In the fall of 2009, a new
couple had moved in upstairs.
<i>We hadn't met them yet,
<i>but we could hear them,
all the time.
<i>They were always...
<i>Well, kids, let's just say
they were always
<i>"playing the bagpipes."
Okay, this is ridiculous.
I can't believe those
two are still bagpiping.
I know. It's been six hours.
Must be that tantric bagpiping
that Sting is into.
She keeps yelling out for him
to play the bagpipes harder,
but it sounds like he's
bagpiping her pretty hard.
There's a glass of water
in my bedroom
<i>that's vibrating
like Jurassic Park.
You have neighbors!
Shut the bagpipes up!
Sync by honeybunny & YesCool
www.addic7ed.com
<i>I decided to go to the bar
to get some peace and quie
<i>That didn't work out so well.
Ted, I hate to have
to be the one
to tell you this.
Marshall and Lily
are getting a divorce.
No, they're not.
Just listen
to what I witnessed yesterday.
Baby, you mind washing that?
No problem.
I should go.
She makes him wash his dishes
right away, Ted.
I give 'em two,
maybe, three weeks tops.
Barney, that's not a big deal.
And it's certainly
not a big enough deal for you
to be holding my hands.
They're in big trouble, Ted.
I see what's going on.
You, my friend, are suffering
from a little known condition--
"little known" because I just
made it up--
called New Relationship
Smugness.
You and Robin are
in the honeymoon phase.
Everything's perfect.
Every song on the radio's
about you.
Every other couple sucks.
Enjoy it.
N.R.S. doesn't last forever.
It does when
you're this awesome.
Hey, check it out.
Robin and I have been
keeping a tally of how many beds
we've done it in.
We're up to 83-and-a-half.
A half?
19 century ottoman
in an antique shop.
Hey.
Hey, what'up?
Hey, tiger.
How ya holding up?
Do you need a hug?
You want to talk
about yesterday?
Safe space.
Barney thinks Lily
asking you to wash your dishes
right away is a sign your
marriage is crumbling. What?
Why?
Lily likes a clean sink,
so I do the dishes
right away;
what's the big deal?
I'll tell you
what the big deal is.
You know how I was always
the best at being single?
No.
No.
Well, now I am the best
at relationships.
Even better than you and Lily.
Aw, look at you.
Had a girlfriend for five
minutes, you think you can
play with the big boys--
adorable. Son...
I've been in a relationship
since you had a ponytail
and were playing Dave Matthews
on your mama's Casio.
I'm a good boyfriend
in my sleep.
I can rock a killer foot rub
with one hand and brew a
kick-ass pot of chamomile
in the other that
would make you weep.
Hell,
I've forgotten more
about microwaving
fat-free popcorn
and watching
Sandra Bullock movies
than you'll ever know,
but thanks for
your concern, rook.
Mashall, let me ask you
one question.
Sure.
Do you mind if there is
sink full of dirty dishes?
Not really.
Then it's Lily's problem,
not yours.
Yeah, but if I said
that to her,
it would only lead to a fight, so...
Oh.
You fight.
See, Robin and I never fight.
Of course you do.
No.
And here's the secret:
every time it looks like
we're about to get
into a fight...
Um, why is there
a bag of panties labeled
"April 2008" in your closet?
So any time you think
you might have a fight
you just get up and leave?
100% effective.
Can't fight
if you're not there.
That's what Gandhi taught us.
Boy, that's not true.
I can't believe that
Robin puts up with that.
Oh, don't worry.
She's got a great way
to avoid fights, too.
Um, are ties
machine washable?
No, they most certainly
are not. Why?
What is in your hand?
Oh, my God,
what's in your hand?!
Okay, so you walk away.
Robin gets naked.
Those are the two
stupidest ways
to handle conflict
I've ever heard.
Actually, the naked
thing ain't bad.
That felt kind of weird.
Okay, call me crazy.
But when a problem comes up,
Lily and I
actually talk about it.
There are so many great things
to do withhe human mouth.
Why waste it on talking?
But if you insist,
here's what I would say
about the dishes
if I were Lily's husband.
Barney, you're home!
Dude... Get to the point!
All right.
Thanks, doll.
Sweetie, are you
going to wash that?
I'm glad you bring that up. No.
And here's why.
Lily, I know you don't
like a dirty sink.
But does that make it my job
to keep it clean?
I mean, if one day
I look up
at the living room ceiling
and think,
"Hey, I'd like a replica
of the Sistine Chapel up there."
would it be your job
to paint it?
Well, no.
Of course not.
Exactly! So, baby,
by the same logic,
if you don't like looking
at a sink full of dishes,
Shouldn't it be your job to clean them?
Wow. Thanks for
explaining that.
I get so confused.
That's because
you're a woman.
I don't even know
why we're laughing!
Of course you don't.
You're kidding me with this.
Hang on, Ted.
Let's hear the man out.
Once I have her attention,
it's time
to bring out the big guns.
Look, I love you.
But, baby, with the little
energy I have left after work,
I want to shower you with love,
not wash some silly dishes.
You're right.
I'll do the dishes.
Right after I do this.
Oh, yeah.
Now turn around.
Firm.
Oh, yeah.
Are you going to
hit him or should I?
He's right.
No, he's not.
Marshall, look at me.
Do not get drawn into
Barney Stinson's circus tent
of funhouse mirrors
and flawed logic.
This is exactly how you got
the earring back in '03.
Hey, that earring looked cool.
It did look
cool, didn't it?
Marshall, stay with me!
Barney is wrong.
No, he isn't.
I hate doing my
dishes right away.
You just said
you don't mind!
I hate it, Ted!
I hate it
with a boundless,
burning fury!
I hate it, I hate
it, I hate it!
You're welcome.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Oh, good.
There you are.
You'll tell me the truth.
Barney says
that you two never fight.
Huh. I guess
that's true.
Told ya.
No way.
I love you both,
but you are the two most
emotionally ill-equipped
individuals in the history
of relationships.
You two must have had
at least one fight.
You know what?
We did.
Aha!
ROBIN: Mm-hmm.
There was
one small dispute
about which one of
us was more awesome.
We just called it a tie and had sex.
Speaking of which, I am so glad
we're going skiing this weekend.
I need a break.
The upstairs neighbors
are driving me crazy.
Yeah, it's bad.
I'm gonna say
something to them.
Thank you.
Great.
Okay, we all have
our assignments
for the weekend.
Ted, you're going to stand up
to your neighbors.
Marshall, you're going
to stand up to Lily.
And Robin, I'm gonna need yo
in sort of a crouched position
on the bear-skin rug
at our ski chalet. Ready?
Break!
Bye, guys.Bye.
Have fun.
Barney.
With his crazy, well-
thought-out theories
that probably would work.
Marshall, I'm just gonna
say this one more time.
It's a bad idea.
I think it could work.
Okay, two more times.
It's a bad idea.
Listen, Barney lays out
some logical points
Lily is a
reasonable woman.
I think that if I
explain it to her,
she'll get it and
I'll get my way.
Uh, no.
She'll get mad,
and you'll get
in a huge fight.
Slap bet?
Slap bet.
Baby, could you wash your dishes?
Lily, I'm glad
that you bring that up.
Can I stay here tonight?
Hop it on the sofa, buddy.
The ski bunnies
are back!
(both laughing)
Hey, guys.
(smooching loudly)
How was your trip?
So perfect.
We just spent the whole
weekend cuddling by the fire.
No black diamonds,
but a lot of red hearts.
Aw...
Okay, I'm gonna
go unpack.
Hey, you.
Yeah?
Oh, man.
What the hell has
gotten into you two?
When did you become
so nauseating?
Isn't it great
to finally see her fulfilled
emotionally, spiritually
and sexually?
Um, I dated her
for a year.
Yeah.
Anyway,
how was your weekend?
Terrible, and it's all
your fault, okay?
I took your stup advice!
Baby, could you
wash your dishes?
Lily, I'm glad
that you bring that up.
No, and here is why...
Okay.
So, it's like this, okay?
Yeah, sure.
You want me
to go ahead
and wash my dish.
But maybe...
I want you...
to paint
the ceiling, right?
Like, maybe I should say,
"Okay, yeah.
I'll wash my dish
"if you get up there
and just--you paint
naked babies on the ceiling."
You know?
It just like...
I don't know what happened.
I'm a lawyer.
I argue for a living,
but when it comes to Lily,
I just get all... flustered.
How could you not?
I mean, the girl's
all eyes and boobs.
What happened to the "I'm tired
after my draining day,
I want to use my left over energy
showering you
with love" argument?
I should have written that down.
Look, Lily, I...
I make more money than you.
Excuse me?!
Dance for me.
Oh, Marshall.
Dude.
It all made so much sense
when you said it,
but when I said it,
it turned into a fight.
And once Lily and I
start fighting,
the fight starts to mutate
and multiply.
<i>MARSHALL:Sure, it started
with the dishes, but then...
So you're saying that you
shouldn't have to wash dishes
because you work
harder than me?
Okay, that's not
what I'm saying--
but it's true.
<i>And then all of sudden,
we're also fighting
<i>about who works harder.
I teach kindergarten.
I am molding the future
leaders of tomorrow.
You eat cookies and glue stuff.
<i>And soon more fights spinn off.
I can't believe you'd rather
be killed...
<i>Until there are
more fights going on
<i>than you can even
keep track of.
If you need to go in the middle
of the night,
either turn the bathroom
light on or sit down.
My mother
does not hate you.
She is neutral
about you.
<i>I am not scared of
your Shining impression.
I just don't need to hear
it, especially at night.
(gravelly voice):
Danny's not here,
Mrs. Torrance.
Please don't do that.
Man, Lily fights dirty.
She's small
but vicious like a badger
that your brother's caught
and starved for five days
and then put
in your sleeping bag.
I should just go home
and apologize.
No. What you need
is a surge.
Fight harder.
Picture it, Marshall,
never having to wash another dish
as long as you live,
yet all the dishes
are always clean.
Why, this would take all the anxiety
out of snacking.
No more holding
open your shirt
to form a makeshift bowl
for your salty treats.
That world is
yours, Marshall.
Reach out, take it.
dip it in some
ranch dressing, enjoy.
He's right.
No!
barney's stupid ideas
are what got you
into this quagmire.
There's no exit strategy.
Just wash your stupid dishes.
No! Those dishes are my manhood!
And if I want to leave my
manhood dirty in the sink,
caked with ketchup and pasta...
What are you eating?
...then damn it,
that's my right!
I'll wash my manhood
when I'm good and ready!
Where was he not sitting?
Hey, Barnstormer.
He Ro-Ro.
Ooh!
Okay, now you have
adorable nicknames?
Seriously, what's going on
with your two?
Nothing. We're just happy.
It's like Gandhi said,
"A smile don't cost nothing, sugar."
Mm-hmm.
I'm not sure you know
who Gandhi is.
So, um, Ted, did you
talk to our neighbors?
Yes, yeah, I did.
I went up there ready
to set them straight.
They're old?
Really old.
So what did you do?
Well, I didn't have the heart
to tell them to stop,
because, well, good for them.
So I just weomed them
to the building,
had a hard candy,
nodded politely at some racist
comments and then left.
<i>Over the next couple of days
<i>Barney and Robin continued
to be happier than ever.
<i>And Marshall and Lily
continued to fight.
I don't care if
the dishes aren't done.
Okay, if you care, you do it.
Great. Then I don't care
if you have an orgasm.
If you care, you do it.
I went 18 years without
the touch of a woman.
I can do it again.
You might have to.
<i>And I continued to hear
more bagpiping
<i>than a St. Patty's Day parade.
I don't know what to do.
Lily and I have never
had a fight this long.
It's like I don't
even exist.
On Sunday morning,
she made pancake, Ted.
Pancake and bacon strip.
It's your own fault.
You took relationship
advice from Barney.
Well, maybe Barney
has it all figured out.
He and Ro-Ro are
the best couple now.
Lily and I have
been dethroned.
You know what,
I'm not buying it.
All that cutesy,
lovey-dovey crap,
that's not them.
And I know for a fact
that Robin hates nicknames.
Thanks, Robbsy-wobbsy.
Yeah, I don't do nicknames.
Finished with the
sports page, Sherbs?
Seriously, stop.
Hey, Robin, it's T-Mose.
Yeah, I don't like them
on you either.
Well, she obviously
likes them now.
And, come on
somebody had to put
an end to T-Mose.
No, T-Mose was awesome.
I'm thinking
of bringing it back.
Bagpiping sounds
a little different today.
It's all echo-y.
Yeah. They're
in the bathroom.
I think they're bagpiping
on the shower chair.
<i>And just like that, I realized
<i>exactly how to get the real
scoop on Barney and Robin.
Oh, hey, Ted.
How are Marshall and Lily?
I worry about those two,
I really do.
You and your
big, giant heart.
Okay, enough.
The jig is up.
Ted, whatever do you mean?
Who's this guy?
We'll get to that.
You see, I knew
something was wrong.
You two were too happy,
too shiny, too nickname-y.
Didn't add up.
You two never fight?
Horse apples.
You fight all... the... time.
How would you know that?
Phil told me.
Who the hell is Phil?
Your downstairs neighbor.
Hi. I'm Phil. 12-B.
And he's heard everything.
So Phil tells me that
Ro-Ro and the Barnstormer
have been
fighting... a lot.
Care to explain?
Okay. Everything
was going great.
Our no-fighting techniques
were working perfectly
until we went on that ski trip
last weekend.
So I showed Marshall
that Lily's argument was bananas
and now he'll never have
to wash another dish.
High two.
That's terrible advice.
You agree with Lily?
You...
<i>BARNEY:
Oh, no. We're about
to get in a fight,
<i>and I can't run away.
<i>ROBIN:
I can't take my clothes off.
<i>It's freezing up here.
I get hypothermia.
<i>Maybe I can jump it?
Maybe just my pants?
This no-fighting thing is over, huh?
I think so.
How could you possibly agree with Lily?!
I can't believe that you made Lily get in a fight about this!
She's shorter than him!
And it didn't end there.
We've been fighting
ever since.
All those fights we
kept not having--
they all came back around.
The bag of panties...
The tie Robin murdered.
The tiny camera I found in the headboard.
That's how a
quarterback stays sharp.
Monday morning, he sits
on a bag of ice
and studies the game tape.
Barney for the millionth time...
You don't get to be as good as I am...
using football analogies...
without reviewing the fundamentals
and studying technique!
does not make it any less creepy.
I knew it! I knew you guys were acting
too cute and perfect!
Look, we were just sick
of everyone pointing out
how crappy at
relationships we both are.
Yeah, it was sort of nice
to be the perfect couple for a minute.
TED:
I knew you were lying.
You got to wake up pretty early
to slip one by the T-Mose.
Stop it.
LILY (singsong voice):
Marshall, dinner's ready.
Did you-- did you make
any for me?
No, but it's
your favorite.
(sighing):
Hey.
We need your advice.
<i>NARRATOR:
So Barney and Robin told Lily and Marshall
<i>all about their fighting.
<i>And let's just say,
that in comparison,
<i>their little dishes spat
seemed pretty tame.
<i>And by the end,
<i>Lily and Marshall
both had the same reaction.
I'll wash my dishes right away
from now until the day I die.
I don't care when
you wash the dishes.
But if it's something
cheese-based like a nice ziti,
at least soak it, okay?
Of course, baby.
Oh, I love you.
I love you, too.
ROBIN: See?
Right there,
how did you just do that?
How'd you just
fix everything?
I don't know.
I guess sometimes you just
have to set your ego aside.
Yeah. An-And remember
at the love that you have
for that other person is way
more important than winning.
More important
than winning
Stop, stop it.
Seriously,
what's the secret?
Okay, look, the honeymoon period
may be over,
but now you can get
into the real stuff.
And honestly,
that's the best part.
Good night.
So what do
we do now?
I guess we got to
start talking more
and get into
the real stuff.
Yeah.
Or there's a bench
in the elevator.
Ooh, that's better.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, so what if we're not
the best couple in the world?
Totally. It's not a competition.
No.
We win!
Best couple in the world!
Whoo, yeah!
Whoo, yeah!
Guess what?
These glasses
are plastic.
So we can just
throw them away.
That means no dirty
dishes in the sink.
Mm, you're dirty.
Maybe I should leave
you in the sink.
<i>NARRATOR:
And once that first argument
got worked out,
<i>all those other arguments,
<i>well, they got better, too.
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