How I Met Your Mother: how i met your mother

Showing posts with label how i met your mother. Show all posts

4/23/2013

How I Met Your Mother - S08E21 - Romeward Bound

Kids, by the spring of 2013,
Lily and Marshall had life
figured out;
Lily was making a name as the
art consultant for The Captain,
Marshall was a superstar
environmental lawyer
and home life
was a well-oiled machine.
And then...
something changed.
Captain, you wanted to see me?
Captain? Hello?
Permission to come aboard?
Granted.
I'm moving to Rome

How I Met Your Mother - S08E20 - The Time Travelers

Kids, in April of 2013,
your mother and I were
very close
and yet very far apart.
I was living on
West 82nd Street.
She was up on West 115th.
She was getting
a degree in economics.
I was teaching architecture.
I was always at MacLaren's.
She was always...
not spending
all her time in a bar.
She was dating some
finance guy named Louis.
And I...
I was alone.
Ted, get ready
to be surrounded by
half-naked,
grease-covered bodies.

How I Met Your Mother - S08E19 - The Fortress

In the spring of 2013,
Barney and Robin were
just weeks away
from tying the knot.
But there were still some
pretty big issues
they hadn't agreed on.
Adoption.
I don't know.
It's the only thing
that makes sense.
I can't... I can't believe
you're not open to it.
Okay. Let's try it.
Nope, it doesn't

How I Met Your Mother - S08E18 - Weekend at Barney's

MARSHALL:
This is the life.
We got the three B's.
Beach, booze
and bodacious babes.
I don't know.
I'm starting to think
we should call the police.
Oh, would you relax?
We've got it made.
One whole week
at his bodacious beach house,
no strings attached.
Well, there is one
string attached.
Hi, Barney.
BOTH:
Bodacious.
(gasps)
"Weekend at Barney's!"

How I Met Your Mother - S08E17 - The Astray

Thanks.
That's weird.
I have a message.
That's weird.
You still have
an answering machine.
Ted, this is the Captain.
Please call me back
at your earliest convenience.
Oh, crap.
â™ª How I Met Your Mother 8x17 â™ª
The Ashtray
Original Air Date on February 18, 2013
Kids, you remember the Captain.
He was one of the richest men
in New York,
and when I met him,
he was married to Zoey,
who I ended up... befriending.
Oh, man, he seems pissed.
Does he?

How i met your Mother - S08E16 - Bad Crazy

Kids, early in this
story, you may recall me saying
something along
the lines of...
Okay, no more dating.
I am ready to settle down.
And at the time,
I probably thought I meant it.
But, kids, I'll be honest.
Being single's fun.
As a young unattached man
in New York City,
I had a great time.
A great time.
What was I saying? Oh, yeah.
I had such a great time that
it took someone very special
to make me want to settle down.
And that someone...
was Jeanette.

How I Met Your Mother - S08E15 -P.S. i love you

Kids, sometimes when
you're about to give up
on your love life forever
for the 17th time,
destiny intervenes.
Instead of rushing in,
I took my time
to think up the perfect
opening line.
Wait, no, damn it,
come back! You're really...
You're pretty!
And before I could call
out after her,
in any kind of embarrassing way
that a bunch of teenagers made
fun of for the next five stops
while I stared straight ahead
and pretended not to hear them,
she was gone.

How I Met Your Mother - S08E14 - Ring Up

You guys. You guys will not
believe what just happened.
On my way here, a taxi
jumped the curb
and it pinned this old lady,
and I-I just went into this,
like, crazy adrenaline mode
and I somehow lifted it off her.
Oh, my God, Ted,
your wrist.
Oh, yeah, I guess
it's a little swollen.
I must've strained it lifting.
No,
I believe our dear
friend Lily was referring
to your other wrist.
The one wearing the
male birth control.
I was gonna go with
"chastity bracelet."

How I Met Your Mother - S08E13 - The Final Page: Part Two

NARRATOR: Kids, in late 2012, I received
a very important text message.
Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin
were engaged,
marking a truly happy time
for our little group.
The problem was
one of us was
definitely not happy.
(crying)
Marvin will not
stop crying.
What do you guys think it is?
Is he hungry?
Well, that must be it.
Huh!
Thank you for thinking
of that, Ted.
And here we were
just watering him

How I Met Your Mother - S08E11 - The Final Page: Part one

Can I get you guys
anything to drink?
Scotch, neat.
Jinx.
Oh, my...
God.
Kids, you may be wondering
why five adults
in their 30s would take
a jinx so seriously.
It all started one day
five years ago.
Ooh, Van Helsing.
Ooh, Van Helsing.
Jinx. You're jinxed.
That means that you
can't speak until someone
who was present for the
jinx says your name,
or else you will have very bad luck.
That's ridiculous.
You broke the jinx.

How I Met Your Mother - S08E10 - The Over-Correction

Lily, I just saw
the worst thing ever!
Kind of busy
right now, Marshall.
Quiet.
He can hear you.
Who's "he"?!
He's coming!
Everyone shut up!
Okay, kids, you're probably
wondering how
we all got here.
Oh, hey, buddy, can
we borrow your air mattress?
My mom's coming into
town for a few days.
Absolutely not.
Bummer, I guess

How I Met Your Mother - S08E09 - Lobster Crawl

Well, it's come to this-- we're
drinking with our baby in a bar.
It is not a bar.
It's a restaurant that
happens to have a bar.
Ergo, we are good parents.
Unrelated: I'm getting
faced right now.
Papa needs a grease coat.
While it is
heartwarming to watch
your firstborn teethe
on a jalapeÃ±o popper,
wasn't Mickey
gonna watch him today?
My dad's out all week.
He's got the sniffles.
For someone who's survived
numerous beatings
from loan sharks, he has

How I Met Your Mother - S08E08 - Twelve Horny Women

Kids, this a story about
the time your Uncle Marshall
went before the New York State
Judiciary Committee,
a panel that would decide
the fate of his career.
He thought he'd open
with an icebreaker.
By the way, did I mention
those robes really do you all...
justice?
I'm just saying
that you're all guilty...
of looking sharp.
Mr. Eriksen, please.
You're here to discuss
your conduct in court
during the week
of November 19, 2012.
Of course, Your Honor.
It all
started when...
a so-called friend
from law school
conned me into believing
that he needed my help
getting a job,
when in reality,
he stole my firm's strategy
for our upcoming trial against
Gruber Pharmaceuticals, who'd
been polluting a lake upstate.
Turns out,
he was representing Gruber.
Win this case
or you're fired, Eriksen.
How could you trick me
like that?
This is the biggest trial
in my career.
Mine too, brobeans.
When I win this trial,
I'm gonna buy a new car.
Thinking Lambo.
Awesome. I mean, no!
What happened to you?
You used to be, like,
the nicest guy ever.
We were bros.
More than bros.
We ate brunch together.
And I'll always cherish that.
But after Kara
broke my heart again
for the millionth time,
I said screw being nice,
suited up and started lying
to get what I want.
That does happen.
But you used to want to fight
for the little guy.
Little guys pay
with little checks.
But... you already know that.
You're in
environmental law.
Marshall, you have a kid.
How are you
gonna provide
for the little dude's futche?
I'm worried
about Planet Earth's futche!
That's why
I'm gonna
kick your ass in this trial.
Sure, you may have swiped our
entire strategy for this case,
but I still got
some tricks up my sleeve
that you know
absolutely nothing about.
Really?
No.
â™ª How I Met Your Mother 8x08 â™ª
Twelve Horny Women
Original Air Date on November 26, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Kids, Robin and Barney
had recently shared
an awkward moment.
Whoa, whoa.
After that, they did what any
two mature adults would do:
Hey!
Hey!
How are you?
Great. You?
Good, so good.
Oh, great. Good to see you!
You, too!
They pretended
it never happened.
All right, guys,
this is the biggest case
of Marshall's career.
That is why it's so great
that we all called in sick
to work tomorrow,
so we could be in that
courtroom to support him.
I didn't call in sick.
I called in
for all of us.
Uh, I have strep throat.
Robin, bronchitis.
Barney, massive
hemorrhoids.
Why'd you have
to say "massive"?
Well, if you're gonna
miss work for hemorrhoids,
they kind of have
to be massive.
I don't want to sit
in a courtroom all day.
I bet you don't want to sit
anywhere with those hemorrhoids.
I don't have... Shut up.
Look, you guys
wouldn't understand,
but when you have a rap sheet
as long as mine,
the last place
you want to spend
a day is in court.
Rap sheet?
That's right.
When I was a teenager, Lily,
I was a total badass.
Pfft.
You want to talk
about teenage badasses?
I was like John Gotti
in a training bra.
I'm serious.
In high school, before
I started dating Scooter,
even he was afraid of me.
Lily coming!
Lily coming!
You look okay.
Want to hang out?
Uh, my mom says I'm only allowed
three friends, so...
Your mom don't make the rules
no more, Scooter.
My name's Jeff.
Not no more it ain't.
The one part of
that story I believe
is that Scooter only
had three friends.
Ah!
Here he is.
The pride of St. Cloud,
the environmental lawyer
we've come
to know and love.
He's mean. He's green.
He's not wearing the tie
I bought him for the trial,
but I'm not gonna
mention it...
Marshall "I Was Gonna
Say 'Nice Tie'" Eriksen!
How you feeling,
Counselor?
Well, uh, I mean,
at first
that Brad thing
had me rattled,
but now I feel
pretty good.
I mean, for one thing,
I don't have massive
hemorrhoids. Sorry, buddy.
I don't have ma...
And more importantly,
unlike Brad,
I actually have something
to fight for.
Pop, because of
your precedent-setting
legal victory 14 years ago,
kids like me can fish
in clean lakes
all over the world.
They sure can, champ.
Because when you
do one good deed...
...it creates
a ripple effect.
One good deed
leads to another and another.
Man, you're wise.
That's probably why I never
have felt the need to do drugs
or rebel in any way.
Anyhoo...
The next day, we all headed
down to court
to support Uncle Marshall.
Yeah.
Want to know what
I looked like at age 15?
There it is.
I don't get it.
That guy wasn't masturbating.
Yeah, and the waistband
of his undies wasn't pulled up
to his Cub Scouts neckerchief.
Ted,
you were never a badass.
Au contraire.
Off to a good start...
I was locked up
plenty of times
as a teenager.
Let's just say
Johnny Law was not a fan
of Teddy Westside.
Make sure you get
my good side...
Princess.
You guys want to talk
about hassling
the fuzz?
Finish that, Scoots.
Okay,
let's see some IDs.
Scooter, do you
smell bacon?
Laugh, bitch.
Ha!
Ha ha!
ID now, both of you.
Which one of you
is Yuki Hakutani?
Right here.
So, Yuki, you're 6'1"
and you were born in 1947?
Congratulations.
You can read.
Barney Stinson?
Well, if it isn't
Warren Frankel.
Bailiff
Warren Frankel,
- who knows me.
- You know,
I almost didn't recognize you
without handcuffs on.
Yeah, I've matured quite
a bit since the old days.
The only time I'm wearing
handcuffs now is, uh,
in the bedroom.
Bondage. I get it.
Well,
I have to run.
Stay out of trouble.
Badass.
In summary, I will prove
that Gruber Pharmaceuticals
wantonly and knowingly
polluted Frog Lake
and therefore must pay
restitution of no less
than $25 million.
Thank you.
How's this for a fact:
Frog Lake is home
to a buttload of frogs
and birds.
If it's so polluted,
why don't all those birds fly
to a cleaner lake?
And why don't the frogs
just be like,
"Hey, birds, can I catch
a ride, ribbit?"
Marshall's gonna wipe
the floor with this ding-dong.
Oops.
I seem to have dropped my pen.
Objection, Your Honor.
Nobody needs this long
to pick up a pen.
I'll allow it.
The biggest case of my life
and I'd already lost the jury.
I mean,
I've heard of Twelve Angry Men,
but this was more
like Twelve Horny Women.
Stay on topic.
I can't compete
with Brad.
The jury is
in love with him.
During recess, one of those
ladies raced across the hall
to see if she could
get a divorce.
And I'm pretty sure
there was some funny business
going on under
that judge's robe.
What you guys saw
Brad do was nothing.
He's taken it to a
whole other level.
Ladies and...
ladies of the jury,
I'm sorry if I seem down.
My girlfriend
Kara...
broke up with me last night.
Aww...
She said I listen too much,
whatever that means.
Aww...
Aww...
Can you believe this guy?
Really?
Do I even want to see
what I look like?
Wow.
That's, like, super mean.
Next, Brad brought out
his "expert witness."
So, Dr. Bedrosian,
you're saying
that even if Gruber
Pharmaceuticals'
industry-leading drugs
somehow seeped into Frog Lake,
they could actually be
helping the otter population
grow thicker coats of fur?
Absolutely.
And for the older
birds, who...
maybe don't perform as well
in the bedroom as they used to,
could actually
be having
healthier sex lives?
In my expert opinion...
yes...?
Yes.
So Gruber...
is giving these animals
free medicine.
Medicine that you or I would
have to pay a fortune for if...
we needed help
in the bedroom...
which I don't.
You're so bad.
But I realized,
if Brad could call a quack
as his star witness,
then so could I.
You'll get that in a second.
Meet Paddles,
the duckling.
"Quack."
Continue.
Little Paddles here just spent
three months being nursed
back to health.
Why?
Well, because he was found
in Frog Lake
suffering
from acute dermatitis...
...a painful full-body rash,
caused by who?
Gruber Pharmaceuticals.
For a brief, shining moment,
it looked like I might
just win this thing.
But then...
I took a field trip to this
so-called "polluted" lake.
If you'll indulge me,
I'd like to share my experience.
Frog Lake.
Behold...
nature's beauty.
Polluted?
Polluted with good times.
â™ª
Frog... Lake.
â™ª
â™ª
â™ª
Frog Lake.
Come on in.
The water's fine.
I shot and edited that myself.
Yep, I edit stuff, too.
Sorry, Ms. Aldrin, there's no
rap sheet under your name.
Oh, y-you know what,
it must be under
my street tag: Number One Gunna.
Nope. Sorry,
Number One Gunna.
Next!
Those jive-ass turkeys
must've lost it.
Well, they're
pretty swamped
arresting 1970s pimps
like yourself.
Lily, let it go.
I didn't want to brag,
but I think
it's time to acknowledge
that I was the ultimate
teenage badass of this group.
You were a teen
pop star in Canada.
You sang songs about the mall.
Hey.
There is a dark side
to being a rocker on the road
north of the 49th.
Mm, thanks.
Hey.
We've received
some noise complaints, eh?
Can you please lower the music?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.
Sure.
How aboot, uh,
I lower the TV, too,
yeah?
Three hours later,
I was arrested
drunk, naked,
and driving a Zamboni.
Man, that DUI drove my insurance
through the roof.
Please be seated.
Mr. Morris,
good seeing you this morning.
Mr. Eriksen...
you're here.
Any, uh,
final witnesses?
Well, Your Honor, um...
Um...
Actually, Your Honor,
uh, I'm afraid...
Mr. Eriksen?
Your Honor,
I call Brad Morris
to the stand.
Mr. Eriksen, this is
highly irregular.
I would like
Mr. Morris to remove his shirt.
I'll allow it.
Objection, Your Honor,
on grounds that this is ridonk!
Overruled. Take it off.
Acute...
dermatitis,
courtesy of Frog Lake
and Gruber
Pharmaceuticals.
That was badass.
So, in the end,
one might say you were forced
to do something...
rash?
Rash!
You know, I had that one,
but Lily told me to cut it.
Um, anyway...
all that was left
was the verdict.
"We, the jury,
find Gruber Pharmaceuticals...
guilty."
Yes!
$25 million.
That tie is not only
tasteful; it's lucky!
I hereby fine Gruber
in the amount of $25,000.
Court is adjourned.
Your Honor, $25,000?
What just happened?
Son, yes, Gruber Pharmaceuticals
probably polluted that lake,
but I'm not gonna ruin
an important company
just because they gave
some bird a rash.
No, but it's thousands of birds,
and fish and otters and turtles...
Look, Eriksen,
I hate to cut you short,
but I got tickets to Annie
and my wife is waiting.
You have a wi...
won-wonderful show to see?
Guilty. Ciao.
You'd best get
your mind right, son!
The game is the game,
and there ain't no winners.
How many retired
gangbangers you know?
Exactly.
Barney...
check it out.
I found my scrapbook
from the old days.
We're kind of busy
right now, Warren.
We're scaring kids
straight, so...
No, no.
Barney was
the youngest member
of our Magic Enthusiasts Club
years back.
Famous for
escaping from handcuffs.
Handcuffs, huh?
Very tiny hands.
That was his secret.
See you around, baby hands.
So, you don't know the bailiff
because you were a badass.
You knew him because you guys
were in a nerd club together.
Where you dazzled audiences
with your sleight-of-tiny-hand.
So I was a late hand bloomer!
Go ahead, laugh,
laugh like all the others,
but those magicians pulled off
the greatest trick of all:
they accepted me.
Okay, well,
to be fair,
I... may have
slightly exaggerated
my badass story, too.
Oh, sorry. Uh, no,
thank you, housekeeping.
I've already made my bed.
And I only used
one washcloth, so it's...
Congratulations,
Miss Sparkles.
On behalf
of the Manitoba Hotel
and Curling Rink Association,
we'd like to thank you
for being the nicest, most
well-behaved hotel guest ever.
Oh, yippee!
What a loser!
Your story's not true,
either, is it, Ted?
Not at all.
Make sure you get
my good side, Princess!
I left the courthouse that day
questioning what
I was even doing with my life...
and then that night,
I had a dream.
Sorry I failed, son.
What about your
Pebble Theory, Dad?
One good deed ripples out
and makes another and another?
Yeah.
This is what really happens
when you throw a pebble
into Frog Lake.
The truth is,
you can fight
your whole life to do good
and still get nowhere.
You're wrong.
Some good's gonna ripple
out of this, Dad.
I promise.
Great, I've angered
the Frog King.
Later that night,
some good did ripple out.
Hey.
What, are you
here to gloat?
No. Came here to thank you.
For reminding me
of why I got into law
in the first place:
to fight for the little guy.
Which is why
I said "Hasta Lucia" to my firm,
and took a job
at your firm, brobeans.
Don't "brobeans" me.
My boss would never hire you
after the way you lied to us.
I told him I'd take every
last bit of manipulation,
deception, and accidental
pen-dropping
I used against you guys and
put it towards saving the world.
Even if that's true,
I'm still not sure
that I can forgive you.
Would you object to
an 11:15 brunch rezzy for two
tomorrow at the Popover Pantry?
I'll allow it.
Yes! The Brunch Bros are back!
And thank God we were,
because...
well, what he said next
is the reason that
I'm sitting in this chair.
Seriously,
thanks-- for giving my soul
a little redempsh.
And B-T-dubs,
that judge was an idiot.
It's people
like you,
people with hope
and vision and integ,
that should be behind that bench
making the calls.
And that's when I realized
I wanted to be a judge.
Because judges
are the ones who
can effect real change.
And that's why I'm here,
before the New York State
Judiciary Committee.
I hope that you will consider me
for an appointment
to a judgeship.
Thank you,
Mr. Eriksen.
The panel will take this
under advisement.
Take your time.
It could be a few months.
Better tell my wife
I won't be home for dinner.
Get out.
Hey.
Hey.
How are you?
Uh, great. You?
So gr...
Can we talk about this
for a second?
Yeah.
It is super-weird between us,
and I don't want it to be.
Me, neither.
So let me just say this.
I'm done.
You don't have
to worry anymore.
What do you mean?
I'm done trying to get you.
I can't do it anymore.
I'm sorry it's taken me
this long to figure it out,
but I promise...
I'm done making
a fool of myself.
Barney, you haven't been making
a fool out of yourself...
It's okay.
It's okay.
I want it to be okay.
So here's what's
gonna happen.
I'm gonna get us two drinks,
come back and comment
on the likely size and color
of the nipples
on that redhead at the bar,
with the big, dark nipples.
And you're gonna
be grossed out,
but you're gonna laugh
a little anyway, and then you'll tell
a funny story about
"that bitch Patrice" at work,
but neither one of us
are gonna say,
"Hey, how's it going?"
or "Good to see you!"
Because it really will be
good to see you.
Think we can swing that?
Yeah, I do.
Badass.
Huh.
Thanks for your support, guys.
It means a lot.
We'll call in sick anytime
you have a problem.
Lily coming!
Lily coming!
Badass.

How I Met Your Mother - S08E07 - The Stamp Tramp

Guys, I'm going through
something kinda hard.
Since Quinn and I broke up,
she's gone back to dancing
at The Lusty Leopard,
and it's just really tough because...
'Cause you have to find
a new strip club?
I have to find a new strip club!
I've been going to The Lusty Leopard
for seven years.
Wow. That's like
49 in perv years.
Sixty-nine. Self-five.
Look...
without my open wallet,
The Lusty Leopard
would be nothing.
Thanks to me, they've
been able to expand
and take over that
soup kitchen next door.
Now I'm a free agent,
and all the strip
clubs are after me.
Mr. Stinson, we might not have
the best strippers
at Moneyballs,
but we use sabermetrics to get
you a stripper with a five body,
sure, and another with
a butter face, but together,
with their tireless grinding,
we guarantee
a high on-pants percentage.
I gotta be
honest with you, Fred,
I can't really see myself
signing with the Golden Oldies.
Well, that's what everyone
says... at first.
But our GILFs have got class.
They've got maturity
and experience,
and the kind of mind-blowing
flexibility
that only comes
from advanced hip dysplasia.
Barney, the Lusty Leopard
would be lost without you.
I think you're really
gonna like a couple of the girls
we just pulled up
from the minors.
Don't leave us!
Wow, you're like the
LeBron James of strip clubs.
Actually, you're probably
tied with LeBron James for that title.
LeBron
isn't all that.
The Cavs are doing
great without him.
Yeah!
Hey, guys, you will never
believe who I ran into
outside of work today.
It wasn't the guy
handing out coupons
in the hot dog
costume, was it?
Baby, there's no reason
to be scared of him.
I'm not scared of him.
It's totally normal to see
a hot dog with a face.
No, it was Brad,
my old law school buddy.
I almost didn't recognize him.
Marshall?
Brad?!
Bro!
Oh, hey!
What a kick-ass day!
I run into you,
some sucker throws away
most of a perfectly good
hot dog...
...kick-ass day!
You still doing corporate law?
I got downsized two years ago.
It's been rough.
Going through
a little bit of a depresh.
But just today, boom!
Huge job prospect.
Here's your application.
Just tell them I sent you.
I bet you could fit in
the bratwurst.
Bratwurst with a face.
What'd I tell you?
Looks like I'm about
to be on a roll.
Sounds like that guy
could use some help.
I know!
That's why I said...
You know, I'm at
Honeywell & Cootes,
and they're looking
to hire an associate.
I could totally recommend you.
Leave the
wounded behind!
â™ª How I Met Your Mother 8x07 â™ª
The Stamp Tramp
Original Air Date on November 19, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
'Cause Brad is
an old friend who needs a job.
Why shouldn't I give him
the old Marshall Eriksen
Stamp of Approval?
Marshall,
you're a stamp tramp.
How dare you!
And what is that?!
You give your stamp of
approval to everything.
It's become meaningless.
It's like when my
mom likes a movie.
It just means Richard
Dreyfuss is in it.
Marshall, you love
everything and everyone.
It's-It's what I love
about you,
but it's also why
your stamps are total crap.
Give me one example.
How about when
you turned your boss
into a fountain
of bodily fluids?
You guys like it?
I'll be waiting for you in hell,
Eriksen.
In my defense, that restaurant's
health rating had just gone
from an "F" to a "D,"
and I wanted to reward that.
Marshall, you're
already on thin ice
with that horrible
Honeywell guy.
Don't risk screwing
things up more right before
your biggest case ever.
Okay, Honeywell is not horrible,
he just has a bad temper
sometimes.
And he holds a grudge.
He's kind of defensive
about his height.
And he's cheap.
And he made
those secretaries cry.
But, deep down,
he is a great guy.
Heck, he gets my stamp, too.
Stamp tramp.
Well, maybe
this isn't the moment
to stick
your neck out for Brad.
Well, that's not how
I was raised.
Back in St. Cloud,
we believe in people,
people like Gudren Olsen, the
town wino who became our mayor.
They even wound up naming
a bridge after him.
The one he drove off.
Marshall, why can't you be
more like your wife?
Lily's stamp is gold.
I'm reading this book
because of her.
I'm drinking this beer
because she recommended it.
I'm even wearing
this bra because
of a lingerie store
Lily told me about.
Uh, if anyone's got
the golden stamp,
it's old Teddy
Westside over here.
Please. You're a
piggyback stamper.
How dare you!
And what is that?!
Allow us to demonstrate.
Lily?
Hey, guys, I just found
a great new sushi restaurant.
It's called Katsu...
...yoku.
Katsuyoku.
My idea. I'm Ted.
Nailed it.
Totally.
Okay, Ted, name one cool
thing you've given
your stamp to first...
Dr. Berkowitz.
...that isn't an ear,
nose and throat doctor.
Man, these strip clubs
want me so bad.
They're sending me T-shirts,
beer cozies.
Sticky's even sent me
a boob-shaped
hand-sanitizer dispenser.
It's clean and dirty
at the same time.
That's it?
T-shirts and beer cozies?
That's disrespect, son!
Here's what you do:
hit a few strip clubs
in Jersey and Long Island.
Jersey? Long Island?
Why would I go to
a Third World nation
to get my knob wobbled?
Well, you wouldn't.
But when the clubs in
the city hear
you're sniffing around
across the river,
those beer cozies
and T-shirts turn
into Rolexes and fur coats.
Especially from that
strip club, Fur Coats.
Wow. That's genius.
You're hired.
What do you mean?
I want you to be
my strip club agent.
What is wrong with you?
Well, I just figured I'd ask--
No, I was talking to myself,
because, for some reason,
I really want to do that!
Oh! Oh!
What am I wearing?
Just proof of a stamp
I know I gave first,
from a little band called...
Dishwalla.
Who?
Dishwalla! Come on!
They had that whole,
"Tell Me All Your Thoughts
on God" song.
Oh...
Look, I'm not saying
they're my favorite band,
but for a little while
in college,
we were all into that song,
and it was all thanks to me.
But I turned you on
to Dishwalla.
No way! I played them on
my radio show.
I mean, pirate DJ Dr. X
played them on
his beloved radio show.
We all know
you were Dr. X, Ted!
And I'm the one
who got us into that song.
No! No!
On his beloved radio show,
Dr. X pointed out
that the chorus went,
"Tell me all
your thoughts on God"
â™ª 'Cause I really want
to meet her. â™ª
Her. God's a woman.
And it blew the minds
of everyone listening
to Dr. X that night.
Which was pretty much everyone
on campus... including me.
I'm not Dr. X.
Oh, so you're saying
credit for the stamp goes
to Dr. X then, not you.
Okay... I'm gonna tell you guys
something right now.
Take a sip.
Follow my lead.
I'm Dr. X.
No!
I hope this
works out, bro.
I couldn't even get my leg
in that bratwurst outfit.
Don't be nervous.
Honeywell is gonna love you.
Sweet! Freebie
muff-tops!
Can I pour you
a pocket of coffee?
I didn't say
you were fat.
I said that dress makes
you look fat! Idiot!
Hey! You must be Brad!
I'm excited to meet the man
Eriksen's been talking up
all week.
Mr. Honeywell, I have to say,
your environmental
work is amazing.
Come on, it's not like
I'm saving the world.
Oh, wait, yes, I am!
Great.
Marshall tells me you have
the big Gruber Pharmaceutical
trial coming up.
I'd love to give you my
thoughts on the case,
but I can't take full credit.
Most of these are
from my psychic.
My psychic always
pushes for a settlement.
But my numerologist says
roll the dice with the jury.
I'm waiting for my
astrologist to weigh in,
but he can be
kind of flaky.
You know, Cancer.
Should know more after
he's back from chemo.
Good luck, bro!
You know the best part about you
challenging me on Dishwalla?
Didn't challenge you, don't care.
It made me
dig up my old video diaries
from freshman year.
And somewhere in here
there's gonna be proof
that I am not a
piggyback stamper.
I have my own
original ideas.
Didn't you only do
the video diaries
because of Winona Ryder
in Reality Bites?
No.
I don't know what
you're talk-- shut up.
Let's just watch.
How do you even know there's
gonna be mention
of Dishwalla on those tapes?
I don't.
And it may take me days
to go through them all,
but that is how committed
I am to the truth.
Hey, you guys should check out
that song by the band Dishwalla.
Really?
I've never heard of them.
Damn it!
So?
Bottom line, Vito:
a lot of
strip clubs are into my client.
If you want the Melon Patch
to be in the mix,
we're gonna need bigger melons
and smaller patches.
Otherwise, your establishment
is not where
Barney Stinson
is gonna pitch his tent.
B-Dawg, Barn Door,
Stinson-natti, Bro-hio!
Talk to me.
How's it hangin'?
You are killing it
at this agent thing!
I just got a big box
at Yankee Stadium
from the ladies at The Big Box.
Mm-hmm.
One question: Golden Oldies
just sent me a fax machine
and a Charo calendar.
Mm-hmm.
Aren't they out of the running?
Yeah, but those old bitches
don't need to know that.
Yeah, I just feel kind of bad.
They just spent eight grand
on that wheelchair ramp
up to the stage.
Hey, Larry, how's everything
at the Beaver Dam?
I don't even know
that strip club.
Oh, it's not a club.
My cousin Larry is
a forest ranger in Squamish.
Oh, yeah?
Then I was fired from
Bed Bath & Beyond
for telling
inappropriate jokes.
I mean...
get a sense of
humor, LaShonda.
You know how "they" are.
"They" meaning Bed Bath
& Beyond employees, right?
Hmm?
No. Women.
That still could have
been worse.
Thank God I ran
into Marshall.
This guy's supportive
as balls.
And here I am.
Yes, we both owe Marshall
a debt of gratitude
for getting you
this interview.
Eriksen...
can I see you outside?
Sure.
Good. Try to stay
out there a few minutes.
I just cut one, and I can
tell it's gonna be a slow burn.
What is Generation X?
What does the X in
"Generation X" stand for?
What do we stand for?
Why aren't people on campus
talking about this?
Maybe you should do
a radio show
and call yourself Dr. X.
I just had an amazing idea.
Just turn it off!
I can't look away.
Oh, God, no.
Oh, God, I'm putting on a beret.
You were there.
Why didn't you tell me
that looked stupid?
Ted, that beret looks stupid.
I agree to disagree.
Marshall, that man is the human
equivalent of what came out
of my body after eating
that soup you recommended!
This guy's your friend?
Really more of an
acquaintance than a friend.
No backpedaling.
You're Marshall Eriksen.
You believe in people.
You know what Brad
hasn't told you?
He was third in our
class at Columbia.
That is impressive.
And I suppose he did warn us
about the fart.
He's a great guy.
Please... give him
just one more chance.
Two more minutes.
I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of you for
being proud of me.
You went undergrad
to Holy Cross?
That's my alma mater.
I went there on a basketball
scholarship.
No way. I played center.
Uh-oh.
Why is that so shocking?
'Cause you're, like,
an itty-bitty fella.
Hey, uh, fish, huh?
Fish are crazy, right?
You guys ever think
about fish?
I am six-foot one, sir.
Bro, I'm at least
a foot taller than you.
Well, then I guess that makes
you a freakish seven-foot one.
What do you call fish
with no eyes?
"Fsh."
I am six-feet and one inch,
and I'll prove it.
Eriksen.
How tall are you?
Seven feet.
So, we've got
a deal somewhere?
We sure do.
You are the new face of--
and exclusive customer to...
Golden Oldies!
What?!
I thought we ruled them out!
I don't remember that!
Now let's go. It is 4:00,
and their dinner show starts
in ten minutes.
Wait a minute.
Oh...
Is that a Rolex?
Huh. What do you know?
How did that get there?
Anyway, uh, so
initial here and...
Where'd you get
the bling, Robin?
Uh...
They bribed you.
They bribed you!
Why else would you pick a place
where the strippers say
they're trying to put their
grandkids through college?!
Please leave!
Barney, I can explain, okay?
Please...
leave.
Say it, you giant beast!
Say I'm six-one!
Maybe if you stood on top
of that pot of gold
you have at the end
of your rainbow.
You know something?!
You're nothing but a...
a tree man!
I never want to
see you again, tree man!
Fine.
I have to go to the
little boys' room.
Not your office.
I need to take a dump.
If that's the type of guy
you vouch for,
I can't trust your judgment.
You're off the Gruber
Pharmaceutical case.
No...
Oh, good, we're up to the
time I got my ear pierced.
Do it, do it, do it, do it.
Don't do it! Don't do it!
Don't, don't.
Okay, do it now.
Do, do, do it, do it.
Don't, don't do it!
Don't do it! Don't do it!
Don't! Yes, you can do this.
You can...
That goes on for 45 minutes.
Hey... how was work, baby?
Remember how
I always wanted to know
what it was like to be a ghost?
Well, I don't want that anymore.
Okay, suppose we lead
with the carbon testing
of the residue water.
How do we keep
the jury engaged? Anyone?
You could bring up
the survey from
Dr. Pasquesi's testimony.
Anyone?
Anyone who isn't dead to me?
Then you have to earn
Honeywell's trust back.
Just start small.
Put your stamp on little things
that have nothing
to do with work.
Like a funny video.
I, uh, I may have something.
Don't think, Mosby! Do it now!
Oh, my God, I'm doing it!
Wow, he's a real bleeder!
And then you build to something
else small, like a tasty snack.
Don't sleep on the popcorn.
Try mixing the caramel
and the cheese.
It shouldn't work,
but... it... does.
There's no way caramel
and cheese... That's good!
That is good. Oh!
And when Honeywell starts
trusting your stamp again,
he'll seek out
your opinion on things.
Be honest, Eriksen.
Is this deep-V working?
And that's when
you lie your ass off.
Sir...
I think you could
go even deeper.
And before you know it...
Eriksen, get in here.
...you're back on the case.
Ted, why are you
torturing yourself?
None of us were
our best in college.
Oh, my God, I love
my hair there!
I always thought I was this kid
from suburban Ohio
who had this innate sense
of judgment and taste
and just showed up to college
and wowed everyone.
Now I have concrete proof
that I wasn't.
I was a total gomer.
Maybe I still am.
Wait-- that's
the giant suit
Marshall wore on
our third date.
So...
Marshall Eriksen,
you just came back from
your third date with Lily.
How was it?
Great, yeah.
I just... I think I'm falling
for this girl pretty hard.
But is everything
happening too fast?
I mean, maybe I should
see other people.
Whoa, dude, no!
Lily Aldrin is special.
You hold on to that girl.
She is.
I'm only 18 and...
Marshall, you being 18
isn't a bad thing.
It just means you get to spend
even more of your life with her.
I mean, I'm probably
not gonna meet my wife
until I'm, like, 23.
You're right.
What am I thinking?
I'm in love
with this girl.
Ted, oh, my God.
You gave me
the ultimate stamp.
And in my whole life,
this life...
it all goes back to that moment.
I mean, maybe take
a month off, bang a couple chicks.
Lily's not going anywhere.
Hey, Barney.
Hey.
Um, look, I'm sorry about the
whole skimming-off-the-top-
of-the-strip-club-swag thing.
Hey, it happens to everybody.
Really? Because even
as I said those words,
they did not feel
like a real thing.
Hey, look, wherever you end up,
can I have the dubious honor
of buying you
your first lap dance?
It's a date.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for "The Decision."
Yeah.
Ladies, my bro-dium?
Yeah.
Look at this!
Man, this whole
free agent experience,
it's been an unbelievable
experience,
a real humbling experience.
First of all, The Lusty Leopard
is where I developed my game.
Oh...
I have nothing
but the utmost respect for you skanks.
He's just gonna stay
at The Lusty Leopard.
They have loyalty
and heart.
I bet you
he rewards that.
LeBron moved on, Ted.
So should you.
But Barney Stinson has
to do what's right
for Barney Stinson's penis.
In this fall... This is tough.
Um... in this fall I'm going
to take my talents
to Mouth Beach.
The next day, Uncle Marshall
went to court
for the biggest case
of his life.
Hey, Marshall!
Bilbo!
Brad? What are you...?
Did you just get hired
by Gruber Pharmaceutical's
legal team?
Oh, not just.
I've been working
for them for two years.
I heard about the job opening
at Honeywell & Cootes
and knew that if I hung out
in front of your office
and pretended to be down on
my luck, you'd take pity on me,
get me an interview...
Try to stay out there
a few minutes.
I just cut one, and I can tell
it's gonna be a slow burn.
...and buy some alone time
in the conference room.
I got your firm's strategy
for the case.
Muchas gracias, bro-migo.
He's really more of an
acquaintance than a bro-migo.
Win this case
or you're fired, Eriksen.
And so began the trial that
would change the course
of Marshall's career.
But we'll get to that.
Oh, you see?! This is what
I miss about being single:
cutting loose
at a strip club,
drinkin' some beers,
seein' some boobs,
getting thrown out
for being "too handsy."
You were a little
out of control tonight.
You know,
I really thought
that that bouncer was
bluffing with the Taser.
Man, everything's gonna taste
like pennies for a week.
I had a fun time
tonight, though.
Me, too.
I always have fun with you.
Whoa, whoa.
I-I've got to... um...
We can't, we can't
do this.
This, this can't happen.
Uh, I've got to go.
What...?

How I Met Your Mother - S08E06 - Splitsville

In the fall of 2012,
Nick and Robin
were going strong.
Sometimes it's hard to say
what it is exactly
that makes a couple click.
Wow.
Bravissimo!
Whatever it was, kids,
Nick and Robin
really connected at first.
Hey, you know,
I think I'm really starting
to feel something here...
But then, as often happens,
they started to drift apart.
Why?
Who can say?
Nick and I haven't
had sex in three days.
And it's your fault.
Nick won't have sex
because he pulled
his groin muscle,
all 'cause you made him join
your stupid basketball team.
Did you say
"stupid basketball team"?
Yeah.
Oh, my gosh, guys,
we have to rush Robin
to the hospital.
Because somehow, she swallowed
her vocal cords
and they got lodged
in her rectum,
because she's
talking out of her ass.
Over the summer,
Marshall had joined
a midtown professionals
basketball league.
His team of lawyers was called
The Force Majeurs.
Ever since they lost
to a group of accountants,
he'd started getting
a little intense about it.
You sure you didn't have
a ringer or two out there, Joel?
Don't know
what you're talking about.
Good hustle out there,
Aboubakar!
If Joel can use ringers,
then so can we.
And Nick is our best player.
So as far as I'm concerned,
you can both
keep your groins on ice.
Groins on Ice.
Least popular
Madison Square Garden
holiday show ever.
Why are you so into
this basketball league?
Robin, it's the Little Ivies
Professionals Over 30
Who Work In Midtown League.
It's The Show!
You know, it's kind of funny,
imagining people
icing their groins.
I mean, first they'd be
all cold,
and then the ice
would start to melt,
and things would get
all wet and... steamy.
Okay, Lily.
Look, buddy,
I'm also the captain of a team
in the Little Ivies
Professionals Over 30
Who Work In Midtown League.
I'm addicted
to the adrenaline, too.
Still, don't you
think you're getting
a little obsessive about...
Uh, hold up, hold up.
Are you suggesting
that you are
a member of a sports team
and you're the captain?
So says the "C"
I personally sewed
onto my jersey.
After Victoria
and I broke up,
I had some free time.
So, called up
a few architect friends
and put together
a little team
called the T-Squares.
See that?
The floor's uneven.
And that window placement
is rubbish.
You know, if a genie
gave me one wish,
I would knock down that wall
and create a nice flow.
Great wish.
I mean, there's too
much hardwood, right?
Did you nerds actually
play any basketball?
Um, us nerds focused on
something far more important:
bonding.
You guys are
going to get pounded.
And I am not.
Oh, come on. You can't go
a couple weeks without sex?
Our point guard's a 52-year-old
virgin, happy as a clam.
I'm sure he's quite
a ball handler.
The problem is,
now that we're not having sex,
we're talking more,
and I'm realizing
that Nick is kind of...
dumb.
Really?
News to me.
I hadn't noticed that.
No.
Oh, my God.
You guys think
that he's dumb, too?
So dumb.
Air bags are sharper.
Hot as lava
but just as thick.
â™ª How I Met Your Mother 8x06 â™ª
Splitsville
Original Air Date on November 12, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Wow. When did you guys start to
notice that he was kind of dumb?
Well, there was that time
Nick was doing the crossword.
Hey, what's a four-
letter word for cut?
"Nick."
Yeah?
Is a four-letter
word for cut.
What is?
"Nick."
What?
Oh. I got it.
"Shave."
And there was the comment
about Gypsies.
No, no.
I think Gypsies prefer
to be called Romani now.
Do they? Really?
And what do unicorns
and, uh, elves
and leprechauns
prefer to be called?
You do know, uh,
Gypsies are
a real ethnic group
that actually exists?
Oh, you guys, I
feel terrible now.
I always thought they
were just made up,
like goblins or
trolls or dolphins.
And then there's that story
you told about how you and Nick
picked up
that Danish exchange student
and you all
took a shower together.
I never told a story like that.
Well, no time like the present.
Let's give this
Danish ho a name.
I'm thinking Nadia.
Yeah, she sounds slutty
and bi-curious.
What is wrong with you?
Your kid is right there.
Maybe want to
clean it up a lit...
You're wearing a baby
and you're doing pull-ups?
No, Ted, I'm sitting around
getting soft,
'cause that's what champions do.
The problem is, now that
I know how dumb Nick is,
it's kind of making me
reconsider the relationship.
Why?
Eventually,
Nick's groin will heal
and you'll be back in Sexville,
where all the crossword puzzles
only have one box to fill.
Talk about
a double standard.
Every time I go after a busty
dullard who can't tell time
or thinks I'm the ghost of
Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm shallow.
But somehow it's okay
for Robin to date a guy
who can't be trusted
around outlets.
Dump him!
Okay, that is ridiculous.
Is Nick a genius? No.
But does he have
average intelligence?
No.
But he is
a human being, with a heart!
And you're afraid if I dump
him, it'll throw off his game.
Robin, he got 36 points
and 17 rebounds last week.
And that was with his shoes
on the wrong feet.
Well, you're probably
all wondering
how the T-Squares' practice
went today.
The T-What?
We played up here.
Basketball,
people don't realize,
is all geometry,
physics and engineering.
If you think
like an architect,
you could win a thousand games
without ever touching a ball.
What happened
to your ball?
Some kids from the Hebrew school
next door took it
and wouldn't give it back.
Oh.
Oy.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey. Oh, thanks.
How'd the breakup
with Nick go?
Well...
So, I went to this
fortune teller today
and she said there was
a curse on me.
Did she sell you something
to ward off the curse?
It's like you're
a fortune teller, too.
Nick, um...
I think we need to talk.
Yeah.
Uh... it's just...
Whoa, these are hard.
Anyway, this $500 bracelet
will ward off evil
till the end
of the week, so...
Do you think that
you could do,
uh, sit-ups or something
while you talk?
Yeah.
Anyway, this fortune teller,
she was able to tell me all
sorts of stuff about my future,
just from my credit cards
and my social security number,
I knew you'd cave.
Which is why I came up with
a little extra
incentive
to break up with Nick.
End it by 8:00 p.m. tonight
or this invite goes live.
"Robin and Patrice's
BFF Fun Day?!"
Kids, Patrice was
a coworker of Robin's
who'd become sort of
obsessed with her.
Robin had managed, until now,
to keep Patrice
at arms length.
But if Patrice were invited
to something called
Robin and Patrice's
BFF Fun Day,
she'd latch onto Robin
and never let go.
Why would
you do that?
Delete that right now!
No! If I don't give you
a little push,
you'll let this drag on
until Nick can have sex again,
and then you'll be right back
to procrastinating on all fours.
I hate to admit it, but the
man in the suit has a point.
Ugh!
Fine, but the playoffs
are coming up soon,
and I can't have this
guy an emotional wreck.
If you do dump him, at
least let him down easy.
Yeah, take him
to a nice restaurant.
Preferably a dessert place.
That way, you won't have to
sit through a whole meal
before you get to...
Splitsville.
Exactly.
No, Splitsville.
It's a dessert place
right around the corner.
It's sort of the place
to end a relationship.
Uh, Nick, listen.
You are awesome
and totally sweet,
but we're just not...
You know where I'm going
with this, right?
No. No clue.
Okay, um...
I don't know if we should
keep seeing each other.
You want to start turning
off the lights during sex?
No. God, no.
No! No.
I am just worried that, as
a couple, we're not working out.
You want to start
going to the gym together?
Okay, no, Nick,
here is the deal.
Okay...
Sorry, babe. I got to take this.
Excuse me.
Hello.
Hey, what's up?
You...
What? I...
I don't understand.
But you...
Okay, um, you know what?
I'm sorry, I-I have to go.
What happened?
I...
I, um...
Uh, I'm sorry,
I can't talk about this.
Anyway,
what were you going to say?
Uh...
I was gonna say,
order whatever else you want.
It's on me.
Well, thanks,
but I think I'd just rather
eat it out of a bowl.
Well, no doubt
you're all wondering
how the T-Square's
first game went.
What Squares?
Picture a well-
oiled machine.
Your sewing machine?
There were two seconds
left on the clock.
Aboubakar was all over me.
And that's when all my years
of architectural training
came to my aid.
I saw the space in a way
my opponents never would.
Yes!
I told you guys
I'd make one of these!
Turns out, those two
points were taken away
because apparently the
ball went "out of bounds."
But don't worry,
I'm appealing
to the league office.
This Aboubakar-- I'm assuming
you showered with the guy?
Paint me a word picture.
Hello.
Lil, is Barney there?
He's not answering his phone.
Mm, he's a little busy
right now.
It's Robin.
37... 38...
Put her on speaker. 39...
When did you start being
able to do stuff like this?
A few months ago,
you had to catch your breath
after making a sandwich.
Barney, delete the Robin
and Patrice's BFF Fun Day
invite!
Did you break up with Nick yet?
I can't!
He just got some horrible call.
I think a family member might
have died or something.
Oh!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
I mean, good that Robin
can't dump him.
The death part,
less good.
Robin, if you dump Nick,
he could get mad and
tear your blouse off.
And then he bites
you on the neck,
not super hard,
just on the brink
between pleasure
and pain.
And then that Danish slut
Nadia
bursts in...
You can't wait.
His groin will heal
and then before you know it,
you'll be marrying a man
who once ate
a vanilla-scented candle!
That was on me.
I shouldn't have left it
in the kitchen.
Though, it was lit.
Man, he dumb.
The invite goes live
in five minutes.
What?!
It goes out automatically
unless I stop it,
and that only happens
if I hear you dump Nick
on speakerphone
before then.
Fine.
Hey, Nick. I'm
sorry about that.
Um, listen,
there's something I need
to talk to you about.
No, Robin, I'm sorry.
I'm like half here.
That phone call, it just...
I got some really bad news.
My doctor did an MRI...
and...
Oh... Oh, God.
What, what is it?
My groin injury is worse
than they thought.
I can't play basketball
for weeks.
Thank God. I thought he was
dying or something.
How many weeks?
How many weeks?!
Please tell me
it's not a tear
in the iliolumbar ligament.
It's a tear in the
"libioflumflar linament."
If it's a small tear,
he can still make playoffs.
It's a big tear.
He better not be out
for the season.
I'm out for the season.
Damn it!
They're going up against The
Number Crunchers without me.
It's an after-work basketball
league for lawyers
and accountants
and architects who sew.
I mean, who takes it
that seriously?
No...!
I just hate
letting Coach Eriksen down.
I would follow that man
through the gates of hell!
Winning.
What do we win when we beat
those Number Crunchers
a few short weeks hence?
A game? Sure.
A trophy? Sort of.
We win a $25 gift card
to Bennigan's,
but what is it
that we really win?
The game!
Yes, I said that Nick.
Right.
But we also win
the right to walk tall.
Oh!
The right to call ourselves
champions.
Yeah.
So we are gonna
go out and we are
gonna wipe the floor
with those accountants!
And afterwards,
we will feast like kings
on Southwest Fajitas
and Cajun shrimp!
And that check, that check will
be marginally less expensive!
Yeah! Yeah!
Now, they're probably gonna have
to pay full price for that meal.
Nick, you are so sweet,
but I just...
Good news is
it doesn't really matter
if it takes my groin pull
a little longer to heal,
so I may as well start
having sex again.
Listening.
Sickening.
Exiting.
Nick...
Huh?
I just...
Ah... I...
Hmm?
Um...
Mm-hmm?
Oh...
What do you think?
I think I am suddenly
in the mood
for something hot.
I see. Sounds like I should
order some cappuccinos.
Don't talk till
tomorrow morning.
She can't go home
with you, Nick.
Barney?
Why not?
Because Robin and I are in love.
Barney, what are
you doing here?
Taking care of something
you clearly can't do
on your own.
I'm sorry,
but you and Robin are done.
What? Robin, what is this?
Barney, look, I-I know
what you're doing, okay?
Please stop.
Robin doesn't want
to hurt your feelings
because you're a nice guy,
but she thinks
you're stupid and she hates you.
You're welcome.
Stop doing this.
I love her, Nick.
Look, he doesn't
love me.
He's just saying this because...
I love everything about her,
and I'm not a guy
who says that lightly.
I'm a guy who has faked love
his entire life.
I thought love
was just something
idiots thought they felt,
but this woman has
a hold on my heart
that I could not break
if I wanted to,
and there
have been times
that I wanted to.
It has been overwhelming
and humbling
and even painful at times,
but I could not stop loving her
any more
than I could stop breathing.
I am hopelessly, irretrievably
in love with her.
More than she knows.
Robin,
is this true?
You heard him.
Oh, wow, it feels
like I have
a pulled groin muscle
in my heart.
Nick, I-I'm so sorry.
I just
think that maybe...
Pardon me.
But did you just also get
your heart broken?
Yes.
I just got
my heart broken, too!
Well, do the...
the two of you...
...want to come back
to my place?
Yes.
Yes. Come on.
Thus concluded
the Autumn of Breakups,
Wow.
- Crazy, right?
- Yeah,
you know what would be
really crazy?
If all of 'em
got it on-- Barney, Robin, Nick,
and those two women,
and you just know
Nadia's watching in the corner
with her pet snake.
Okay, why aren't
you two having sex?
What?
Excuse me?
Lily has been slobbering
over Robin's sex life
like a cartoon hobo watching
a pie cool on a windowsill,
and you--
the only other time you've ever
exercised this seriously
was when Lily had mono
freshman year
and I caught you doing
one-armed push-ups
with your genitals
over a bowl of ice.
So, when did
you stop doing it and why?
It was, you know,
before Marvin was born.
What?
Th-That's insane.
Well, you have to wait a while
after having a kid,
and, and then you're exhausted
from being up all night.
And then this uncanny
phenomenon began.
Wow,
you guys got to fix this.
It's not that easy.
Ted, having a kid
changes things.
You don't have the time
or energy, you're never alone.
Come here.
What are you doing?
Taking Marvin
for a walk
so you guys can
have some privacy.
Oh, Ted, come on,
that's, that's just not
the way that it works.
Yeah, it's not
like we can have sex on cue.
Yeah, I'll give you
guys plenty of time.
Maybe I'll even
swing by the gym, show Marvin
where his Uncle Ted
made "the shot."
If I'm late,
it's 'cause I've been delayed
by autograph seekers.
Oh, forgot Marvin's diaper bag.
Yowza!
Okay.
And the Oscar for Best
Fake Romantic Speech
goes to Barney Stinson.
I'd like to thank all
the ladies over the years
with whom I've practiced
fake romantic speeches
and, of course,
Robin Scherbatsky
for being so
hypnotized by hog
that she needed me
to come and save her.
You know what?
I didn't need your help.
You were this close to ripping
off his misbuttoned shirt
and pulling down his
inside-out underpants.
I'll give you this,
you were pretty convincing.
Hey, tricking good-looking
idiots is kind of my thing.
No.
I mean, you were
really convincing.
Please.
I was bro-ing you out.
I'm just glad
he bought it so quick.
Any longer, I'd have had
to kiss you.
Hello.
Whoo, oh, my God,
Robin, BFF Fun Day!
That's the most
amazing thing ever.
Like, you totally read my mind...
Hey, Patrice.
Oh, you got the
invite, great.
Uh, yeah, uh, let
me call you back.
This is so fantastic,
I can't even catch my breath.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
You know
what I forgot to do?
â™ª Like a fool,
I went and stayed too long â™ª
â™ª Now I'm wondering
if your love's still strong â™ª
â™ª Ooh, baby, here I am
â™ª Signed, sealed, delivered,
I'm yours. â™ª
Hey, T-Squares.
Well, bad news.
Heard back
from the league office.
My shot is not going to count.
But onwards and upwards, right?
What do you cats want
to rap about, huh?
Listen, Coach... you're great.
And we all really
want to stay friends.
I can change, I can...
Come on, we, we had
some good times.
Things have been
weird lately and...
Is there another
architect? Just tell me.

How I Met Your Mother - S08E05 - Autumn of Break-ups

Kids, it's no secret your
Uncle Barney is a bit of a dog,
and even though he loved me,
I think he always wanted
a wingman who was
a bit of a dog, too.
And in the fall of 2012...
...he found one.
Respect.
â™ª How I Met Your Mother 8x05 â™ª
The Autumn of Breakups
Original Air Date on November 5, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Hey, guys, thanks again
for a great night last night.
I say again,
great night.
Ted, honey, it was
not a great night.
Ted,
Lily and I noticed
some things last night.
Hey, Ted, can you
pass me a cracker?
Yeah.
It's the least
you can do,
considering I left
a guy at the
altar for you.
Right, right?
Oh, come on, that was a joke.
Women over 30 don't joke
when it comes to commitment.
Victoria is happy
we're taking things slow.
Oh, oh, honeysweetiebaby,
no 32-year-old woman
is happy taking things slow.
Mm.
Trust me, Victoria has got
friends from high school
posting pictures
of second babies on Facebook.
Mm-hmm.
And you think
girlfriend's
all like, "Oh,
let's just bone a bunch
so I'm another year older
and still single"?
Bitch, please.
Mm.
Guys, I've got a new bro--
a bro that puts
all other bros to shame.
The bitches love him.
He buries bones
all day.
Whoo!
No one chases
tail like him.
Why aren't you
guys laughing?
Oh, wait, I probably
should have led with this:
he's a dog.
I've named him
Brover.
I'll go...
...fetch him.
Okay, I'm worried about Barney.
That breakup with Quinn messed
him up more than he let on.
I think he's lonely.
Dude seems fine to me.
I love you so much, Brover.
Seriously, based on last night,
you and Victoria
are headed for trouble.
So I got this kind of
interesting job offer
to run a bakery in Denver.
But that's too crazy,
though, right?
Right?
Uh, yeah.
The high altitude would affect
the density of the pastries.
I mean,
talk about half-baked.
Man, this is
a great night.
That was Victoria asking you
to move to Denver with her.
What?
Then, why wouldn't
she just come right out
and say what she wants?
Men.
It's like, if there weren't
pickle jars to open
and spiders
to kill
and computers to back up,
what would be their point?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, when did Marshall become
a slightly more feminine you?
Look, Ted, it gets exhausting
constantly giving people
advice they haven't asked for,
so I'm training Marshall.
My goal is
to eventually say things
that are so sassy
and wise,
that there is
no possible response
other than "mm"
or "mm-hmm."
And if this is a place where
we can share our dreams--
I like to think
that it is--
I hope someday
to earn a...
"testify."
Look,
Victoria and I are
five months in
and we're
right where we should be.
All right, we-we're cosigning
birthday cards,
w-we got toothbrushes
at each other's places,
foreplay's out the window.
I'm in, I'm out,
I'm sleeping, it's great.
It's more than
five months.
You guys dated before;
that time counts.
The clock doesn't
reset to zero.
It un-pauses from
where you left off.
No way,
no way, the clock resets.
Wait,
so this is what you guys do?
You invite other couples
over for dinner
to judge them and feel superior?
Oh, grow up, Ted,
that's why any couple
invites anyone over ever.
Two Scotches, both neat,
and if you've got some, uh,
nuts, this guy lost a couple.
Ha-ha.
Take the hit, just take the hit.
Okay, this is
a cry for help.
Can we invite Barney over
for dinner tonight?
But I was going to make you
a special meal to celebrate
my show getting nominated
for a Local Area Media Award.
Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention,
Nick had
a cable access cooking show.
Chef Nick Podarutti uses
all fresh,
locally grown ingredients,
but don't think for a second
that means he's not a bad boy.
She runs on corn.
â™ª Nick the Bad Boy
â™ª Chef...
I'm gonna invite him over
for dinner.
Okay, fine, but you'd better
make sure he has a ticket.
'Cause it's all aboard
the Chow-Chow Train!
Honey, I know
it's hard coming up
with a signature
cooking catchphrase,
but I don't think that's it.
I know, but how do you compete
with "Bam!"?
It just says it all.
Hey, you.
Hey, can I ask you
something?
Um, Lily and Marshall think
I'm missing all these hints
you're dropping
that you want
a deeper commitment.
I mean, you'd just come
right out and tell me, right?
Totally.
I-I think I can be a little
bit more direct than that.
Thank you.
Oh, hey, I was cleaning
my apartment today
and I dug this up.
Should I keep
this wedding dress,
or do you think
I'll never, ever need it again?
So Lily and Marshall
were right?
Of course they're right.
When a girl jumps in your
car in a wedding dress,
you can't act
surprised to find out
she wants to get married.
Besides,
we dated before, and
that time counts.
We just hit pause
on the clock.
See, a lot
of really smart people
would argue the clock resets.
It un-pauses,
everybody knows that.
You know, Barney's
a little late.
I hope he's okay.
Ah, he's fine, and
I still don't think
he's crying out for help.
Well...
Sorry we're late.
We just came from the tailor.
Brover couldn't settle on a tie,
so I just bought them all.
You say no to that face.
There's a reason
that you're not
a hundred percent in
this with me, Ted.
Something's holding us back.
Well, what is it?
I think we've established
I'm not great
at picking up on clues--
well, in this situation.
As a kid, I was known
as a bit of a detective.
In fact,
when my friend's retainer
went missing,
the Mosby Boys were put
on the case, and it was...
The retainer was
in the garbage.
The Mosby Boys were
you, your sister,
and a neighborhood squirrel
you thought you had tamed.
I can't believe Squirrel-lock
Holmes turned on us like that.
Eight weeks of training
down the drain.
You know how I
know that, Ted?
Because we covered it in the
"getting to know you" part
of the relationship
six years ago.
Six years.
Then...
what's holding us back?
Call in the
Mosby Boys, Ted,
let me know if they
crack the case.
Guys,
Brover is not only
the best bro I've ever had,
he's amazing with the ladies.
I'm sorry, don't you think
it's a little pathetic
to use a dog to pick up chicks?
Sir, wingmanship is
a two-way street.
If Brover meets a cutie,
I'll take the hit
and chat up
the chubby lady friend.
Sometimes I'll be the jerk...
...so Brover can swoop in
and be the hero.
And like any good wingman,
I gather as much intel
as I can right up front.
How old's your dog?
She's five.
Oh.
What's that in dog years?
Like, 35.
We're done here.
Well, you were right.
Victoria says something's
holding us back,
and I don't have
any idea what it is.
Any brilliant insights, Oprah?
Steadman?
Um, try Gayle.
Marshall, I want you
to take this one.
You're ready.
Oh, I don't know.
Although I do hear this little
voice in the back of my head
trying to tell
me something.
That's your inner goddess.
Listen to her,
channel her.
If Victoria quenches your
thirst like a tall glass
of sweet tea on
a hot July day...
Marshall, why is she Southern?
Don't let him break
the connection.
...well,
you got to make
an honest woman
out of her.
Okay, I'm leaving.
But, but,
if not, well,
then, sugar...
...you got to let
that nightingale
spread her
wings and soar
to her own
beautiful tomorrow.
Testify.
You guys are the worst.
Where am I?
Sorry.
Uh, go for Barney.
Uh-huh.
I see.
Totally understood.
I'll do that.
Great.
Thank you.
That was Brover's owner.
I guess,
while she was
out of town, he ran
away from his kennel,
and now that she's back,
I have to return him.
Oh, Barney, I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's all good.
Um, excuse me for one moment.
Hey,
Barney.
No, no.
No, no!
Oh.
Wha...
Victoria.
Will you marry me?
Yes, of course.
There's just one thing.
Anything. You name it.
You can't be friends with Robin.
You won't marry me
if I'm still friends with Robin?
Wait. She's
the thing that's been
holding us back?
There-There's just too much
history there.
I mean, Robin's the reason
that we broke up
the first time around.
Robin's our roadblock.
Robin's the deep, dark pit
where our relationship
goes to die.
But nicest girl in the world.
Salt of the earth.
But she's with Nick now.
I mean, sure,
his cooking show is lousy
with awkward
catchphrase attempts.
Oh, my gosh,
who's ready to nosh?
Who's popping a chub
for some grub?
I offer my deepest apologies
to anyone who was offended
by my "popping a chub" remark.
I can and will do better.
Won't happen again.
And now who's ready
to eat my meat?
Oh, come on.
But Robin's happy with Nick,
and I'm happy with you.
Look, I,
I just asked you to be my wife.
Isn't that proof there's nothing
between me and Robin?
Well, maybe today there isn't,
but what about tomorrow?
Or next week
or 15 years from now?
I'll always
be wondering.
I never wanted
to be that girl who says
it's Robin or it's me,
but, well...
It's Robin or it's you.
You've been
a hell of a wingman.
And even though I think
it's kind of gross
when you
pleasure yourself orally,
don't ever think
that means I'm not impressed.
Hey...
do you think that Barney's
gonna be okay
bringing Brover back?
Yeah, he'll be fine.
It's not just the ability
to go to town on yourself,
but you do it with
such joie de vivre.
I really think
that I should go with him.
No, but you got
to eat these crÃªpes
as soon as
they're flambÃ©ed.
They're gonna be
bon appe-sweet!
No.
Damn.
We'll work on it
when I get back.
No, I get it.
You know,
I only spent all night
working on these,
but, hey, Barney's
more important.
Nick...
It's fine. Go.
Anyway, let's not make
a big deal of it.
We hung out for a few days,
had some fun...
No big woof.
I don't know who I am
without you.
This is crazy.
Victoria is being
completely unreasonable
about Robin,
and my snap sister
is gonna back me up.
I say again...
I kind of see Victoria's point.
Come again for Ms. Fudge?
Ted and Robin have
so much history.
Exactly. History.
Ancient history.
Ted, you said "I love you"
to her earlier this year.
I'm not saying
this is fair, but I get it.
I didn't get that at all.
How could my inner goddess
be so far off?
Oh, you'll get there, honey.
Oprah wasn't built in a day.
Uh-oh.
What?
I kind of went rogue.
Look, if you really want
to have a baby,
just stop taking the pill.
You guys slept together
at spring break
three years ago.
That means something.
Loves show tunes,
total shopaholic,
not always pestering you
for sex?
Um, Clifford
sounds like a keeper.
Marshall, all of that advice
was terrible.
Not as terrible as you saying
that Ted and Robin
should stop being friends.
I'm not saying they should.
It would be horrible.
But if Ted
really wants to be
with Victoria...
Ted, tell her
that you're not gonna
stop being friends with Robin.
I can't imagine
life without Robin.
But she'll never be
in love with me.
She'll never be
my wife.
She'll never be
the person I grow old with.
Victoria...
Victoria could be.
Are you saying what
I think you're saying?
You ready to say good-bye?
Thanks for coming with me.
Oh, well,
you did the same for me
back when I had to give away
all my dogs. Remember?
Oh, yeah, we drove
to your aunt's farm upstate.
She was awesome.
Yeah.
I love how she
was this wise, old, chilled out,
lesbian farmer.
No, no, no.
She's not a lesbian.
Nor does she farm them.
No, that woman
she lives with,
that's just
her special friend Maureen.
They've lived together for...
Oh.
Oh, this is gonna be tough.
Brover really was
the best wingman ever.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much for bringing
Mr. Sprinkles back.
Mr. Sprinkles...
is a great name for a dog.
Mommy missed you so much.
Yes, she did.
Did this nice couple
take care of you?
That's a laugh. Ha.
Big bro.
I got to split.
Yeah, I got to,
I got to head back
to the farm...
where I live with my
special friend Maureen.
Whom I now realize
is my lesbian
life partner.
Surprise.
Okay. All right.
So...
would you like a drink?
Best wingman ever.
Hey.
What's all this?
I thought you were
mad at me.
I was...
but then I realized
I just have to accept
that you have close guy friends.
I mean, I don't want it
becoming a habit
that they steal you away from me
in the middle of the night.
But...
Oh, sorry.
Oh, Ted needs to see me.
Oh, for the love of God, woman.
Oh, it's not
what you think.
He just wants to have sex.
Kidding.
Just a little hand stuff.
Ha. Kidding again.
Ted's more of a boob man.
I seriously can't stop.
What does he want?
Um...
I don't know,
but he says it's urgent.
I'm so sorry.
Just one more little
steal-away.
Just as long
as he gives you back.
Thanks.
So...
are you okay?
What is this big, urgent thing
that couldn't wait
till tomorrow?
There's something
I have to tell you.
Um...
I've thought about this a ton,
and, um...
I was hoping it wouldn't
come to this,
but...
I'm not in love with Robin, um,
but she's like family to me,
and, uh...
I can't end that.
So...
can you accept that?
I really hope
you get her some day.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey.
So, last night
Ted calls me out to the bar
to talk about something urgent.
Guess what it was.
He wants to write
a series of young adult
mystery novels
called The Mosby Boys.
Why did you need
to tell me that?
You work in the media.
You know people.
Okay, well, first of all,
lose the Mosby nerds
and focus on
that crime-solving squirrel.
That guy is gold.
Yeah.
And secondly, next time
you have a big idea
late at night,
please bug
your girlfriend about it.
Uh, actually...
Victoria and I broke up.
Oh, my God.
Why, what,
what happened?
We just, you know,
wanted different things.
I'm so sorry, buddy.
But, bright side...
Robin is gonna be so touched
when she hears you ended
things with Victoria
because of her.
She can never know.
Promise me
Robin will never find out.
I don't understand.
Promise.
Promise.
Promise.
Of course,
Robin did find out.
But we'll get to that.
So you do have balls?
Run!

How I Met Your Mother - S08E04 - Who wants to be a godparent

Kids, once your
Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily
found a nanny for baby Marvin,
they were excited
for their first night out
together in five months.
And so were we.
Mama.
Dada.
Hi, gang.
Ooh.
Ah, so, now that there's no
screaming baby to distract us,
what have you guys been up to lately?
Yeah.
This was a surprisingly
loaded question.
You see, right
after Marvin was born,
Lily and Marshall
had issued a decree.
you can't come to us
with any issue
unless it's an eight
or higher.
And we were doing
our best to abide.
Ted, how are things
going with Victoria?
My dad made the funniest joke.
He said that since you're
the reason I left the wedding,
you owe him the $70,000
he paid for it,
or else.
You know, he's not
usually funny like that.
Not promising,
but not an eight.
Everything's great.
And Robin, how's
everything with Nick?
Finally ready
for a ride on the bike?
Who? Me?
Let's ride, Big Daddy.
Oh, yeah.
Mama likey.
â™ª â™ª
Robin, over here.
Ooh.
Eco-friendly.
She runs on corn.
Totally lady bone killer,
but not an eight.
Everything's great.
And how are things
for the old Barnacle?
Not an eight.
At best, she was a six,
six and a half.
More like a four by the time
I was done with her.
Mental self-five.
Everything's great.
To long-awaited MacLaren's
return of Marshall and Lily.
Mmm.
I've missed this.
Okay. We got to go.
W-what?
You just got here.
I cleared my whole night
for you guys.
I didn't even bring
my booty-call phone.
Oh, I'm sorry,
but we just really
need some time
to ourselves.
I promise
we'll hang out soon.
See you guys.
Bye.
â™ª Booty, booty, booty,
booty rocking everywhere â™ª
â™ª Booty, booty, booty, booty
rocking everywhere â™ª
â™ª Booty, booty, booty, booty â™ª
Yeah, like I'm going
to leave this at home.
Barney Stinson.
How may I direct my penis?
Oh, geez.
It is so nice to be out
in the fresh air.
You smell that?
Ooh.
That's the smell of urine
that isn't Marvin's.
Oh, God, I miss that smell.
You know, I thought
we'd spend the whole time
worrying about Marvin,
but it's actually nice to be out
in the world, living life.
Yeah.
Death is all around us.
Wow, that urine smell
just got a lot stronger.
â™ª How I Met Your Mother 8x04 â™ª
Who Wants to Be a Godparent?
Original Air Date on October 15, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
So, you guys spent
your first night out
in five months,
sitting at home planning
for your own deaths?
Yeah, we found this Web site
that helps you make a will.
In the event of your death...
Ooh!
I'm sorry.
It-it's just-just real sad
to think about.
Oh, I know.
All right.
In the event of your death...
Okay, no, you know what?
Let's just start
with something easy.
Okay.
Okay?
Please enter your zip code.
We'll never
get mail again.
I keep reassuring Lily
that this is all hypothetical.
Relatively speaking,
New York City is very safe.
Please, faulty elevators,
exploding man hole covers,
jealous husbands.
Mmm.
This place is
a coroner's paradise.
Ooh!
They are way more likely to eat
it in a mugging gone wrong.
There was a double hommy
on your block like a week ago.
Caught it on the scanner
during lunch.
Knife job.
Guy made a real mess
of it too.
Anyway,
then we got to the section
about picking a guardian.
Sometimes couples choose one
of their parents as a guardian.
That makes it simple.
My mom.
Your mom?
What's wrong with my mom?
Are you...
Fine. All right.
Marvin won't go
to my loving mother.
But he's got to go to somebody.
Fine.
What about my mom?
Your mom?
Um, excuse...
Fine.
Not my mom.
What about my dad?
Your dad?
Okay, yeah, he's out.
Wait a minute.
You know who could be good?
My brother Marcus.
He's like a great dad.
Do you remember
his Christmas card?
Questionable denim choices
aside, Marcus is a good dad.
I guess if Marvin has to go
to anyone, it should be family.
Okay, great.
Okay.
Marcus, hey, how's it going?
Pretty freaking sweet, buttwipe.
I packed up all my crap; I said,
"See ya" to Sarah and the kids;
and I finally got my dream job
as a mixologist down here
at Carnalism 2.
Hold on.
Some punk's trying to use
his snorkel rental as a bong.
Hey!
You be packin' that bowl
too tight, mon.
So, now we don't
have a guardian.
You know, as your best friend,
if called upon,
I'd be honored to raise Marvin.
If you want him to be raised
by his underwear on a flagpole,
Ted's your guy.
If you want him
pulling the chord
on some other
nerd's panties,
I'm your guy.
I'll teach that kid
how to be awesome
in ways you and Lily
never could.
It's going to be legend...
...wait for it,
no, I won't wait for it
and neither should
little baby Marvin,
so maybe it's better
if you two just die right now...
...dary.
And so began the longest week
of Lily and Marshall's lives.
Huh?
Huh?
â™ª Bro McDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-bro â™ª
â™ª And on that farm
he had some chicks â™ª
â™ª E-I-E-I-bro â™ª
â™ª With a hot chick here
and a dumb chick there... â™ª
Huh? Huh?
â™ª Bro, bro, bro your broat â™ª
â™ª Gently to the bar â™ª
â™ª Hit on sluts,
then do ten shots and... â™ª
Huh? Huh?
Aah!
â™ª The boobs on the bus
go up and down â™ª
â™ª Up and down, up and down â™ª
â™ª The boobs on the bus
go up and down â™ª
â™ª All through the town. â™ª
What?
You think you can bribe them
with a stroller?
They already got one, foo.
Oh, this is no stroller, Robin.
I call it the Broller.
Go ahead. Look inside.
I don't get it.
I don't see anything.
Yeah, but Papa does.
Those Robin's boobies?
When new nubile hotties lean in
to inspect your bundle of joy,
you can inspect
their bundles of joy.
The Broller.
God, I come up
with a lot of good stuff.
Hey, guys, hey...
Hey.
Lily and I need you
to come upstairs.
This is an important decision
and we can't have you
constantly interrupting us
with this childish competition.
Which is why
we're going to make it
an official competition!
We're going to play
Who Wants to Be a Godparent?
Right after this word
from our sponsors.
Why is he talking
to the wall?
Wait, this is how you're going
to choose a guardian for Marvin?
I mean, why don't
you just put us
in a three-way cage match and
go with whoever's left standing?
We talked about that, but it
gave Robin an unfair advantage.
Yeah, you see,
guys, we were
really struggling
with this decision.
â™ª All through the town. â™ª
Babe, I know
these guys have been
- a little over the top lately.
- A little?
But we still have to pick
a guardian just in case.
In case of what?
Don't make me say it.
Say it. I can handle it.
Say it.
In case we die.
How can you even say it?
And then I thought
what do you do
if you got a wife
who won't stop crying,
three idiots
who won't stop bribing you,
and a universally beloved
skill for gamesmanship?
You take a bunch
of guardianship scenarios,
throw them on a wheel,
buy your wife an expensive dress
so she'll participate.
I'm pretty again.
Bottom line is
I just wanted
to make the idea
of me and Lily dying...
fun.
Oh.
Now, if you'll step behind
your podiums, we'll get started.
Contestants,
here's how the game works.
Lily will spin that wheel.
Not yet.
When it lands
on a parenting issue,
you'll each describe how
you would handle it with Marvin.
The contestant with the
highest score gets to be
his godparent.
Ready to play?
Great. Lily,
spin that wheel!
Okay, now, see, um, enthusiasm
will factor into your scores.
So, I say again:
Lily, spin...
Spin that wheel!
â™ª â™ª
Ooh.
Our demise.
Barney, how would you
explain to little Marvin
why we're not around anymore?
No.
Easy, all I'd have to do
is change a few words
to one of my classics
with the ladies.
The President of the World
has called your parents away
on a super-secret
space mission.
For the sake of the planet,
you will never see them again.
Now pick up your toys
and say good night to Daddy.
What do you know?
That last line stays the same.
Judges?
Okay, Robin,
what would you do, and remember,
"President of the World
called parents away
for a super-secret space
mission" has already been taken.
Well, my dad was always upfront
and honest with me,
so that's how I would be.
All right, kid, here's
the deal with the deal.
Your mom and dad are done-ski.
Belly-flopped
off a subway platform.
Mom busted open like a piÃ±ata.
What was left of your dad
hung around for a few days.
Anyway, plug's pulled.
Organs donated.
Long story short: I'm your
new mommy now. (chuckles)
Sah-wish!
Well, I was saving these
for the showcase,
but here.
Hey, Lily, look, baby,
his-and-her watches.
Ooh.
Ted, the category's all yours.
Okay, here's what I would say.
Well, Marvin, explaining
where your parents are
isn't gonna be easy.
Even I-- Lily and Marshall's
best friend
for almost 20 years--
will have
a hard time doing it.
But I do know a guy who's very
good at this sort of thing.
Professor Infosaurus!
Hey, there, squirt!
Death is a difficult
yet unfortunate certainty.
Good enough!
Ted wins the round!
Yes! Yes!
You'll see.
Professor Infosaurus will be
a big, big hit with children.
Isn't that right, kids?
Moving on.
"Discipline."
"How would you handle Marvin
taking another kid's toy?"
Barney?
That's easy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm calling Child Services.
Wait for it.
I'll return your $1,900
alligator-skin belt
when you return that toy.
Until then, you can wear
this disgusting
black-and-brown reversible belt.
Hey, I don't like it
any more than you do!
Ted, how would you discipline
little Marvin?
I would be firm.
Fair, but firm.
You, sir, just lost
your television privileges.
Okay, you can watch TV,
but nothing violent.
Okay, it can be violent,
but you have
to do the dishes first.
Okay, I'll do the dishes,
you watch TV.
Let's go get some ice cream!
Come on!
But no sprinkles.
Robin?
Okay, sprinkles.
Um, I would do what my dad did:
tough love.
You know where
you're headed, chief?
The British Columbia
Military School for Boys.
Of course, you're actually a
boy, so at least you won't have
to shave off all your hair and
burn your "girlie" clothing in
an old oil drum while
your father stands there
and laughs at you
through the flames!
Oh, my God!
I think that Robin wins
this round
because we love her and she's
in a safe space, right, guys?
Robin matters!
Yay! Totally.
Now, that's just
one point, right?
Lily.
A spin... that... wheel!
Oh...
"Birds and Bees."
Barney, "How would you teach
young Marvin
about the facts of life?"
Hmm...
You're gonna love
Amsterdam, little bro.
Okay, Barney's out
of this round.
Ted, how would you handle
"the talk"?
Well, Marvin would be
a young adult,
so you wouldn't want
to talk down to him.
But that doesn't mean
you can't get down with him.
â™ª When two adults wish to procreate â™ª
â™ª They lay together
and copulate â™ª
â™ª Male gametes, spermatozoa â™ª
â™ª Implant themselves
in the ladies' ova! â™ª
â™ª Break it down! â™ª
I'm sorry, don't you need
to actually have had sex
in order to explain it?
Professor Infosaurus also has
a rap about ignoring bullies.
Robin? Birds and bees?
Well, I, for one, don't think
you have to teach Marvin
a thing.
If he's anything like his dad,
he's a natural-born stud.
Lily got a little braggy
at a cucumber stand once,
big guy.
Robin wins again!
Oh, come on!
That's clearly pandering!
A spin...
that... wheel!
We played long into the night,
eventually making it
to the dreaded...
Lightning round!
First word!
Oh.
Ooh...
Actually, that's a joist,
which carries the stress
of the ceiling
versus the primary
architectural load.
But that's my boy!
Ooh.
Nerd!
That's my boy!
First heartbreak!
I know this hurts,
little buddy,
but you'll love again someday,
because time will heal
a broken heart.
But not that bitch's window.
Run!
Yeah, right.
I've seen Barney throw.
He's no Vinnie Pestano,
am I right?
Beloved Indians'
middle reliever.
Cleveland sports
are still relevant.
LeBron who? Right, guys?
Ted, neither you nor Cleveland
knows how to get over
someone leaving them.
Here's how you'd
handle heartbreak.
Cheer up, squirt.
There are plenty of other
wonderful women out there.
But I thought
that she was the one.
I'll be at
Uncle Barney's.
This is ridiculous.
I've known you for 16 years.
I'm the obvious choice.
Oh, come on,
if Ted raises him,
the poor kid's still gonna
be a virgin when he's 13.
I'm the obvious choice.
Hey, look, as the only one of us
packing a vag, I got
a natural instinct
for nurturing
and crap like that.
Plus, I can teach him
how to bow hunt.
Yeah, I could do that.
I am Barney Stinson!
Guys, guys, guys!
Okay!
All right!
Obviously, none of you knows
what it really means
to be a parent.
Well...
obviously, neither of you
know what it means
to be a friend anymore.
What are you
talking about?
Think about it.
This is the most
we've seen you two
in five months.
You don't
seem to care
what's going on
in our lives
unless it's
an eight or higher.
Well, what do you expect?
We have a baby now.
Yeah.
The days of closing down
MacLaren's are over.
Unless you want
to get up with us
at 5:13 in the morning
with a screaming baby.
So that's it?
The... the end of an era,
just like that?
Look... we're sorry
if-if we don't have time
to sit around the bar listening
to silly little dating problems.
When you have
a baby, it's not just the most
important thing in your life,
it's the only
important thing.
When are you guys
gonna get that?
Think we get it.
â™ª â™ª
I can't believe
they just walked out.
Yeah. Maybe it's
for the best.
Barney was starting
to pull ahead.
I mean, how selfish can they be?
We're trying to raise
a child here.
I'm sorry if I don't have time
to deal with Ted's...
um.... o-or Robin's...
um...
or-or Barney's...
mm...
Huh.
You know, we were about to name
one of them Marvin's godparent,
and... I can't tell you
what's going on
in any of their lives.
Do you think that maybe
we've been a little crappy
as friends lately?
Do you really know
how to bow hunt?
Um, yeah.
At the British Columbia
Military School for Boys
we called it "making lunch."
Hey, guys.
We asked Mickey
to watch Marvin
so we could come
down and talk.
I know that we didn't get
to finish the game, but...
we've reached a decision.
Lily?
We've decided...
...to revoke the
"eight or higher" rule.
What?
We want to know everything
that's going on
with you guys.
Really?
You're our best friends.
Everything is an eight
or higher.
And for the first time
in almost half a year,
Lily and Marshall
closed down MacLaren's.
Anyway,
Victoria's dad and I are
working out a payment plan
with a very reasonable
interest rate.
â™ª â™ª
At least,
Nick's cycle
is fuel-efficient--
we're getting, like,
30, 35 miles to the cob.
Really?
Yeah.
You know, I should've
told you about that
six and a half sooner.
Barney Stinson banging
anything less than an eight?
That's like a 15.
And it was a great night.
Until...
Go
back to bed.
We got this.
â™ª â™ª
And Lily and Marshall
finally decided
on a guardian.
Are you sure about this, baby?
Yes.
No matter what happens, I want
Marvin to stay in the family.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Oh...
Is that a bowling ball
in a onesie?
Run!

4/23/2013

2/17/2013