Kids, back in 2009,
your Aunt Robin was the host
of a morning show
for local New York cable.
And it was on early.
How early?
Mike? wakey, wakey.
But then, everything changed.
Hey.
Hey.
See my show?
Oh, I meant
to watch it.
I just got so busy
with the whole
"being sound asleep" thing.
It took all night,
eight hours down the drain.
Oh, it's fine.
But get this:
After the broadcast...
Hi. Are you Robin?
Yeah.
I'm Don, your new co-host.
Don was Don Frank,
seasoned veteran of no fewer
than 39 local
morning news teams
from all over the country.
The guy was an industry legend.
Oh.
Wow! You are
so going to hit that.
No, I just think we're going
to be great together
on the air.
And on the sofa and on the bed
and on the coffee table.
All right,
all right.
I'm gonna go up on the
roof and stand there
by myself for five minutes.
Have fun.
And that's exactly
what she did.
She just stood there.
All right, kids,
I'm gonna level with you.
That's not what she did.
Here's what she did.
All right,
all right.
I'm going to go
have a cigarette.
What?!
I promised her
I'd never tell you this,
but once upon a time,
your Aunt Robin
did enjoy
the occasional cigarette,
and occasionally
that occasional cigarette...
was more than just occasional.
I just left something
like this in my apartment.
Robin, come on,
take it to the roof.
We said no smoking
in the apartment
after you torched
the throw rug doing push-ups.
All right, all right, all right.
Geez.
Yeah, Robin,
I mean, God,
not only is that a
filthy habit, but also,
can I bum one?
Sure.
What?!
<i>"How I Met Your Mother"
Kids, your Uncle Marshall
definitely doesn't want you
to know this,
but he also smoked off and on.
It all started when he was 13,
on a camping trip in Minnesota.
Come on, Marshall,
let's celebrate.
It's summer vacation.
Okay, but just one.
This is my first
and last cigarette ever.
And that was the first of many,
many "last cigarettes ever. "
That's it.
I am done, I am out.
Last...
Cigarette...
...ev-arrh!
So, by that point,
I'd heard it all before.
Last cigarette ever.
What are you doing? You
haven't smoked in six months.
Is this about the McRib?
It's gone, dude, let it go.
I'm worried
about work, okay?
They just hired a new head
of the legal department,
and he's going
to be letting people go.
So that's
why you're worried?
The new head of the legal
department is Arthur Hobbes.
As in "Artillery Arthur"?
As in your former boss?
Arthur Hobbes was
the meanest boss
Marshall or anyone else
had ever had.
The last time Marshall worked
for him, it ended like this.
I quit!
Yikes.
So does he hold it
against you?
Worse.
I'm sorry,
who are you?
I'm, I'm Marshall Eriksen.
Hmm.
Um, we had a fairly intense
screaming match.
No.
Wherein I suggested
that you take your head
and store it within yourself
in a fashion that,
while, while space-saving,
might limit its exposure
to, to sunshine.
Well, that describes
95% of my employees
and everyone in my family...
except for my dog.
He's such a good boy.
Well... I'll see you
later, uh...
Randall Wilkerson.
Marshall Eriksen.
Gary Dinkersfield, right.
Great, he doesn't remember you.
Not great.
Arthur Hobbes hating Marshall...
that's no big deal.
He hates everyone.
It's the people he doesn't know
that he cuts loose.
He just fired
What's-His-Face.
He fired What's-
His-Face, Ted,
and What's-His-Face
was invaluable.
Look, I can understand
you getting upset,
but it's not worth
killing yourself over.
Yeah, wait till you get
laid off, then kill yourself.
Like What's-His-Face.
Although I guess now
it's more like Where's-His-Face.
Look, it was just
two cigarettes.
Okay, I can handle two.
As long as I don't have three
within 24 hours,
then I'm not going
to get hooked again.
What's Lily going
to say when she finds out
you smoked?
Lily's not going to find out.
I have a system.
Ah, yes, Marshall's system.
Hey, Lil.
You smoked.
Damn it!
The next morning,
your Aunt Robin was thrilled
to be finally going on the air
with a real pro.
In three, two, one...
Hi, I'm Robin
Scherbatsky.
And I... am Don Frank.
Two teens were arrested
late last night
for stealing
a police cart.
No, I'm sorry, not a
police cart, a police car.
Oh.
Aw, screw it.
Brain fart.
Don't you hate those?
Oh, look at that,
the teleprompter's
still running.
Something about a woman
giving birth on an uptown bus.
Well, no point
in jumping in halfway.
I'll just wait
till it's done.
Uh... and she cut the cord
with a Metropass.
We'll be right back.
And we're clear.
What the hell was that?
Don, you said "brain fart. "
Look, Robin, you seem
like a nice kid, but this is
my 39th local news show, okay?
And in that time,
I've learned three things:
avoid the all-you-can-eat
sushi buffet in Bismarck,
do not go to the bathroom
with your lapel mic still on,
and three, at this hour,
your entire
viewing audience is
one half-drunk slob sitting
in his underwear, so...
Back in five, four...
Well, let's do a great show
for that half-drunk slob.
Well, that half-drunk slob
appreciates it.
The next day, Marshall found
himself craving a cigarette.
It was driving him crazy, so he
decided to get some fresh air.
Oh, no.
You're not up here to jump,
are you?
No, no, no, no.
I fired a lot of people today.
I don't need another jumper
in my file.
Oh, uh, cigarette?
No, no, thank you.
That's too bad.
You know what I miss, Jeffrey?
Getting to know
somebody over a smoke.
People are
so interchangeable now,
but you share a butt with
somebody, you got a real bond.
You know what?
I will, I will take one.
Okay.
Thank you.
I'm Marshall, by the way,
it's Marshall,
Marshall Eriksen.
Yeah. Tell me something
Marshall Eriksen.
How would you
like to see
a picture of the cutest dog
in the world?
Hey.
- You smoked.
Yes, I smoked,
and it was my third of the day.
You know what
that means?
I'm a smoker now.
It's all over.
I even bought a pack
on the way home and a lighter
and a Vikings lamp, which has
nothing to do with anything,
but I saw it in the window
and I liked it.
Damn it, Marshall.
We already have four
Viking lamps and smoking kills.
It was a way to bond
with my boss, okay?
You should have seen me
up there.
That is a cute dog.
Yeah.
Are those your kids?
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Hey, oh, look what I got
at the mall.
Aw.
There he is.
There he is.
Go ahead, you can pet him now.
No.
Yeah, yeah,
come on, he likes it.
Scratch him under the chin.
I don't care
what your reasons are.
You know how I feel
about smoking.
Now, give me
the cigarettes.
And the lighter.
Ah, that's the stuff.
What?! What?! Oh, yeah,
add your Aunt Lily to the list.
Whenever Uncle Marshall fell
off the wagon,
your Aunt Lily got dragged
right down with him.
What you doing?
If you must know,
I am reaching out
to City Hall to try to get
the mayor on our show.
Oh, my goodness, you are
adorable,
but the mayor's not coming
on a show nobody watches.
My colonoscopy had
more viewers than this show.
At least that had
some twists and turns.
You know, I don't,
I don't know
why you're acting
like this.
Maybe you're just bitter
because you never had
a shot at a network job,
but I think I still do,
so I really need to focus.
I've been
on a network.
You were on a network?
It was the best Labor Day
weekend of my life.
When you do the news, you're
in these ergonomic chairs.
It feels like you're sitting
on a cloud.
Which was nice 'cause it was
right after my colonoscopy.
And the dressing rooms?
Oh.
There's dressing rooms?
Oh, you bet
your sweet headset
there's dressing rooms, Mike.
No changing in the KFC
bathroom across the street.
No, sir.
It was heaven.
But the second you get used
to it, they go find someone
who isn't "going through
a bitter divorce"
and doesn't "reek of gin,"
and before you know it,
you're stuck
in a dead-end gig,
surrounded by people
going nowhere,
doing the news
in your tighty whities.
Okay, the underwear thing
was your choice,
and I don't like
that it's catching on.
Ah, looking good,
fellas.
Feels good, right?
God, I want
to kill him.
Of course people
watch the show.
You guys watch the show,
that's, like, two right there.
Oh, my God.
You guys still
haven't seen my show.
What? We never miss it.
We've seen it!
Really? What color is the set?
Uh...
Yeah, uh...
It's black.
Right. Yeah.
With, like, silver
Uh-huh. Yeah.
around the edges.
Not your TV set, my show set.
Ah...
Oh...
God, if I can't even get
my best friends to watch,
who's going to watch?
Lots of people.
Uh, you got bedridden insomniacs. Hmm.
Bums camping outside
a department store.
People waiting
in the ER, where
the TV is in a cage,
so you can't change
the channel.
Ooh, do you have any stalkers?
Yeah, but even Leonard
won't watch my show.
I can't believe those guys
are smoking out there.
It's freezing out.
Remember when you used to be
able to smoke in bars?
Oh, hey, dude.
I think that
hot girl over there's
smiling at me.
Uh, that's a chair.
But yeah, dude, hit that.
Guys?
Marco!
Polo!
Polo!
Well, it's dividing our group
into smokers and non-smokers.
And that's not healthy.
You're right.
Let's go have a smoke.
What?!
What?!
Yeah, I'm not proud of it.
Look at you two.
Smokers.
Just like the rest of us.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I am not a smoker.
I only smoke
in certain situations.
Postcoital,
when I'm with Germans...
sometimes those two overlap...
coital, birthdays,
to annoy my mom,
precoital,
on a sailboat, the day the Mets
are mathematically eliminated
every year,
and, of course...
wait for it,
'cause Lord knows I have...
pregnancy scares.
Why are you smoking
right now?
I'm always precoital, Ted.
You know, maybe
smoking's not so bad.
I mean, at least it gets us
out in the fresh air.
Yeah, and all the coughing
really works my abs.
I... am... ripped!
But, as glamorous as it was,
within a week,
we all hit our breaking point.
You okay, sweetie?
Actually, baby,
my throat's a bit sore.
So, I'm whapping
him across the nose
with the newspaper, right? Yeah.
And my wife says,
"Come on, you can't
treat your son like that. "
I don't know.
Michael, call 911.
Oh... oh, my God.
Okay, yes, yeah, right away.
It's Marshall, by the way.
Oh, my God.
I hope Arthur's okay.
Dibs on his office if he's not.
We have to quit smoking.
Honey, you said a mouthful.
I wish I had never started.
I mean, I think back
to myself at 13 years old.
If I could only go back
to that moment...
I hate that little bastard.
Me, too.
Okay, that's it.
Let's quit.
Let's... Let's do it.
Well, I am proud of you guys.
I have heard how difficult it is
for smokers
like yourself
to quit,
so, on behalf of nonsmokers,
I salute you,
and I am here to help.
So, hand in your cigarettes,
and I will get rid of them
one at a time.
You're quitting, dollface.
I know I don't normally
call you dollface,
but it kind of works
in this voice.
Dollface.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Uh, I was just wondering, um,
is anyone else
interviewing the mayor
tomorrow on TV,
or is it just me?
Hey, that's great.
Whoa!
Hey!
Yeah, Don can suck it
while I suck this.
Light me, Marshall.
Actually, um, we've decided
that we're all
quitting smoking.
That's fantastic.
I'm sick of you guys
bumming my cigarettes.
No, come on, Robin.
We-we can't do it
unless we all do it together.
No.
You can sleep with Marshall.
Oh, God, Lily, no.
Sorry, baby, you got to take one
for the team.
I-I don't want
to sleep with Marshall.
I've seen the looks.
Right.
I can't quit right now.
Not before the biggest interview
of my life.
It's-it's too stressful.
It's too stressful!
Let's just have one more.
Give me a cigarette!!
No, wait! Robin, Robin,
think about this
for a second.
Bloomberg
is the antismoking mayor.
Do you really want to show up
to that interview
smelling like smoke?
It'd be like interviewing
a vegetarian
smelling like a McRib.
Really? Like I'm not going
through enough right now?
Look,
you're quitting.
We're all quitting.
Fine. I'll quit.
Great. Great.
We just have to get
through the first 24 hours.
After that, it's a cakewalk.
Barney, do you have
to bite your nails so loud?
I'm not biting
my nails.
I'm trying to suck
the leftover nicotine
out of my fingertips.
Marshall, can you
pass the onion rings?
What, you got dinosaur arms?
They're right there.
What do you think cigarettes
are doing right now?
You think they're
thinking about us?
Dude, if you don't stop
tapping your foot,
it's coming off.
Oh, my God, Ted,
I'm so sorry.
Maybe I should move it a
little bit closer to your ass!
All right.
I am ready to do this right now!
None of us knew
what we were fighting about.
We just knew
we wanted to smoke.
More than anything
in the world.
It wasn't going very well
for Robin, either.
Sorry I'm late.
Someone used the microwave,
and the elevator stopped.
What are you doing?
Okay, Don, Don,
seriously, not tonight.
Okay, I'm a little bit on edge
because I quit smoking
for my interview with
the mayor, so just...
Oh, you precious little
porcelain unicorn, you.
Why would you do that?
Why?!
Because I care, Don.
I-I care about the show,
I-I care about my career.
Unlike you,
you unprofessional jerk!
You're-You're
sloppy, you're rude,
and I wish you
worked half as hard
as the elastic on those
stretched-out underpants.
I'm starting to feel like this
is getting a little personal.
No, Don, it would be
getting personal
if I would say
that the reason you bounce
from market to market
is because you're a loser...
a lazy,
obnoxious, loser.
The mayor canceled.
In five, four,
three, two...
Hi, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.
You think I'm a loser?
You're' right. I'm a loser.
But at least
I've accepted it.
A plucky raccoon has been
cheering up patients
at a local senior center.
I used to be just like that.
Always wanting more
and never getting it.
It's a dead end, Robin.
You're never going to be
a network anchor.
Just like you're never
going to quit smoking.
What are you doing?
I'm enjoying a cigarette.
Oh, that'll get you there.
Oh, that's good.
You want a drag?
Can we be professionals?
Please?
Yeah. Yeah, professionals?
You know who's working
the camera right now?
A chair.
We're on a show
where we can't even get
the cameraman to watch.
That's why the mayor
canceled, Robin.
And that's why Mike
is on a fried chicken run.
And that's why you
and I can enjoy a cigarette
right here on the air.
No, thank you.
Why?
Because of our millions and
millions of impressionable viewers?
Okay... If any
impressionable viewers
have a problem with this,
please give us a call.
The number's on the screen.
Chirp, chirp?
Chirp, chirp?
Come on, Robin...
live a little.
Oh, that must be Mike.
He always forgets...
extra crispy.
Hello?
Robin, don't smoke
that cigarette!
Marshall?!
We're all watching
and we're all very
impressionable.
And I swear to God,
if you smoke
that cigarette,
we're all going to smoke.
You...
You guys are watching?
We sure are, sweetheart,
and you look fabulous.
Oh, you guys.
You don't have to do this,
Robin. You don't have to smoke.
Resist it, honey.
Thanks for the call, guys.
Oh, she did it!
Good for her.
We're not going to smoke.
I have a pack stashed
up on the roof.
Uh-oh.
I'm awake.
And I'm smoking!
Robin, you know how dangerous
it is to wake a sleep smoker?
It's fine.
I bought a pack on my way home.
Hey, great show, Robin.
Yeah, but that
Don guy, what a tool.
Well, no, he actually
apologized to me.
No, I mean when
he stood up.
Those briefs were
pretty revealing.
You should date that guy.
Yeah.
Not in this lifetime.
They were dating
within two months.
But more on that later.
Hey, guys, look,
the sun's coming up.
You know what right now
is a perfect time for?
A last cigarette ever.
No, I mean,
a real last cigarette ever.
Damn it, let's do it.
Okay.
All right.
Last cigarette ever
on, uh, on the count of three.
One...
Two...
Three.
I wish I could tell you
this was anyone's last
cigarette,but it wasn't.
But we did eventually
all quit smoking for real.
Robin's last cigarette
was in June 2013.
Barney's last cigarette
was in March 2017.
Lily's last cigarette
was the day
she started trying
to get pregnant.
And Marshall's last cigarette
was the day
his son was born.
And my last cigarette?
Two weeks into dating
your mother.
And i'm almost back.
I'm sorry I hit you, buddy.
I wanted to make it
up to you,
by giving you this.
Wow, she's hot!
Yeah. Well... some day,
you're going to marry her.
No way.
We're pretty lucky.
Totally.
I'll be in my tent.
Oh, no. Wait, hey!
No, don't, don't do that.
Well...
have fun for me.
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