How I Met Your Mother: How i met your Mother - S08E16

Kids, early in this
story, you may recall me saying
something along
the lines of...
Okay, no more dating.
I am ready to settle down.
And at the time,
I probably thought I meant it.
But, kids, I'll be honest.
Being single's fun.
As a young unattached man
in New York City,
I had a great time.
A great time.
What was I saying? Oh, yeah.
I had such a great time that
it took someone very special
to make me want to settle down.
And that someone...
was Jeanette.

What made Jeanette so special?
Well...
That was a foul!
Jeanette was the last girl
I dated
before I met your mother.
The girl who finally got me
to say...
No more dating.
I'm ready to settle down.
...and really mean it.
Oh!
â™ª How I Met Your Mother 8x16 â™ª
Bad Crazy
Original Air Date on February 11, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
But let's back up a little bit.
She broke your TV
with a beer bottle?
In her defense,
she was aiming for the window.
Dude, you gotta get rid
of this girl.
Agreed.
Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye
before you get stab-stabbed.
Oh, really?
And are you guys saying this
because you don't want me
to be with Jeanette,
or because you want me
to stay single so you guys
can keep your clubhouse?
J'accuse!
I had a point,
and they knew it.
You see, in early 2013,
I was the only single guy
in the group.
Which meant whenever Marshall
or Barney bought something
they weren't allowed to keep
in their apartments...
â™ª
You know what, Ted?
That reminds me.
I just bought this
antique Swiss clock,
but Robin won't let us put it
in the apartment,
so I was gonna leave it
at your place.
Only problem? It's broken.
So I was just gonna sit here
and try to fix it
while maybe you tell us what you
and Jeanette did last night?
Okay. Well, uh, Jeanette
is a big Marilyn Monroe fan.
There you go!
Now it's working!
Sorry. Sorry. Go on. Go on.
She's a Marilyn Monroe fan
so I guess you watched
one of her movies?
Uh, No, we had a sÃ©ance.
Look at that! Good as new.
Anyway, were you able
to contact Marilyn
in the spirit world?
No. We talked to her cat.
Screw loose!
That's the problem.
Uh-oh.
Looks like somebody's
hungry.
I'm gonna get
his food ready.
Robin, can you grab him?
Can I? Try and stop me!
Now, kids,
what Lily didn't realize--
what none of us realized,
in fact-- was that
in the eight months since your
cousin Marvin was born,
Robin had never once held him.
The truth was, the thought
of holding him terrified her,
so she had always avoided it,
ever so discreetly.
Can you hold...
Oh, shoot! Look at that!
Oh, geez.
I got him.
Come here,
you little munchkin.
Aw, man...
Oh, well, I call next.
Well, I should go. It's time
for Jeanette's... something.
Time for Jeanette's what, Ted?
Uh, we're taking her dog
to an exorcist.
Wow, Ted, that sounds...
Crap, it's really broken now.
Okay, fine. I admit it.
She's crazy.
Obviously.
But I'm not in this
for the long haul.
It's just, you know,
it's just fun.
Of course it's fun, at first.
But then when she starts calling
out the name of her
high school science teacher
in the throes of passion,
it's really fun.
But then when she starts
bringing knives into bed
and making you fear
for your safety?
It's really, really fun.
But then when she starts
unbuttoning your pants
while you're being forced
to drive blindfolded
down the freeway
with a gun pointed at your...
I'm sorry,
what were we talking about?
Jeanette.
Oh, right. That girl's crazy.
You gotta break up with her.
I know.
I know. You're right.
I-I have to break up with her.
I should do it
in a public place, though,
so she doesn't flip out.
So the next night,
I met her in a public place
so she wouldn't flip out.
I will kill you, ref!
I will kill you in front
of all these people!
Oh, boy.
What, you think I won't
just 'cause I'm in
a public place?!
I'll go to jail for the rest
of my life if I have to!
Listen, before the game starts,
I think we need to talk.
I can't believe
Ted's dead.
I know.
What a way to go.
Killed by a bazooka.
All right, all right,
so I'm not on my game today.
Anyway...
I gotta hop out for a bit.
You guys stay here.
Oh, and, um,
if Jeanette comes by,
do not let her into
the apartment.
Don't let her in. Got it.
Guys, this is serious.
This girl is like bedbugs.
Once she's in the apartment,
there's no getting her out.
Ted, buddy,
how long have we been dealing
with Barney's insane
girlfriends? Years.
Nigh on a decade!
I had to testify
in five competency hearings.
I think we can handle Jeanette.
Okay, okay.
See you soon.
That kid. Am I right?
Now look who forgot his keys.
What is it?
Meanwhile, Lily and Robin
were out getting lunch,
when disaster struck.
Oh, God, I left his binky
on that bus!
Wait. Don't you have
other binkies?
That one's his favorite!
He'll know the difference!
I'm not gonna let
this be the reason
he resents me later in life!
If he starts crying,
just pick him up!
What? Uh, uh...
Okay, okay.
Yeah, there, there, there. Okay.
Hey, I'm back.
Did I miss anything?
Nope.
Did Jeanette come by?
Jeanette? I know
lots of Jeanettes.
Um...
Guys!
Okay, she came by
because she forgot
her book.
So we let her go up
in your room and get it.
And then?
And then what?
And then she left?
I think she left.
Are you sure she left?
I am... 90% sure...
that she left.
80 percent.
Actually, I'm gonna
change my answer.
I am now starting to
think she never left,
and instead she barricaded
herself in your room.
And I'm never coming out!
A hundred percent.
I cannot believe
you guys!
Well, maybe if you had given us
a warning that she was crazy!
Dude, it's okay.
She can't stay
in there forever.
She'll have to come out
to eat and drink
and go to the bathroom, right?
Now, a few months earlier,
the East Coast had been hit
by a bad storm,
and some intelligent,
forward-thinking
New Yorkers took it
as a wake-up call,
making sure to stock
their bedrooms with enough
food and water to last months,
not to mention a portable waste
management system.
It was really
the smart thing to do.
You dumbass!
Really, Ted. How could you be so
unbelievably stupid?
No, no, you guys are the ones
who invited
a vampire into my apartment!
This is your fault!
And P.S., if this disaster
had been a superstorm
instead of a hot lunatic,
you'd all be begging to eat
my freeze-dried protein paste
and crap in my biohazard bucket.
Just sayin'.
I got it.
It was on the
floor of the bus.
I should
probably throw it out. Eh.
Did he give you any problems?
He cried a little,
but then he stopped.
Oh, good.
Anything else happen?
Nope.
That... is... it.
All gone!
We have to do this more often.
Oh, we totally do.
I can't believe Marvin's
in kindergarten.
He's growing up so fast.
Can I confess something to you?
Remember the day you left
Marvin's binky on the bus
and you left me alone with him?
Yeah.
Well, I didn't tell you this
at the time, but...
Okay, okay.
Yeah, there, there, there.
Okay, shh, shh.
Oh, no, it looks like
somebody's not happy.
No kidding.
I'm miserable.
Listen to this thing.
He probably just wants
to be held.
I think you're right.
Can you do it?
All right.
Come here, handsome. Oh.
Yeah.
Yes.
Oh.
I let a stranger pick up Marvin.
I'm sorry.
It's just, I hadn't actually
picked him up
at that point,
and I was scared, so...
You know what?
It was four years ago.
He's obviously fine.
Don't even worry about it.
Really?
Yeah.
Thank you.
I mean, as long as there's
not more to that story.
Nope. That... is... it.
Jeanette, you
have to leave!
In a minute!
I still haven't
found that book!
Listen, Jeanette,
I didn't want to do this,
but I called the police.
They're on their way.
All units, all units.
Possible 10-90 in progress
at 521 West 82nd,
apartment 15.
Where's that coming from?
Is that you, Dolores?
Jeanette?
Hey, girl. How you been?
Oh, you know, I'm just doing me.
Anyway, I'll check out
that 10-90.
Okay, but remember...
I know, no excessive force.
Last thing I need is another
suspension, am I right?
And that, kids,
was how I found out
what Jeanette did for a living.
Wait a second.
Is she a cop?!
I think she's a cop!
Did you know
she was a cop?!
I didn't know
she was a cop!
Ted, I'm sorry I have to say
this-- Jeanette lives here now.
This is her place.
You're gonna have to leave.
What?
Why don't you have to leave?
They can stay.
Thank you, Officer Jeanette.
Thank you, Officer Jeanette.
All gone.
We need to do this more often.
We totally do.
I can't believe
Marvin's in middle school.
Oh, he's growing up so fast.
Can I confess something to you?
Remember that day
you left Marvin's binky
on the bus and I let
that old lady pick him up?
I seem to recall
that was the entire story.
There's a little bit more.
There, there, little one.
Let's put you back
in your strolly-poo,
so you can drift off
to dreamy-dreamy land.
Oh, thank you
so much.
Yeah, this is my first time
alone with him,
and, you know, um, I have this
weird feeling that I'm gonna,
I don't know, like, drop him
or injure him in some way,
which is completely insane.
But...
Oh, heavens.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
I know, I'm so sorry.
Well, you know what?
That was what, 12 years ago?
Don't even worry about it.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, thank you.
Just promise me
there's no more to that story.
Nope, that is it.
Are you sure
you want to do this?
The girl's a cop.
Yeah, this seems
like a really bad idea.
I don't care.
I am going into
that bedroom
because this is my home
and I have to defend it.
But mostly because
my allergy medication
is in there!
All right, just
be careful, okay?
This girl is
really crazy.
Yeah, why can't she just accept
the fact that you guys broke up?
I know, I know, why can't
she just accept that?
Why, it's, like, why?
It might be because
we didn't actually break up.
Aw, man.
Jeanette, come on,
that's vintage vinyl.
Ted, did you
or didn't you break up
with Jeanette last night?
I don't know,
it's kind of confusing.
I think we need to talk.
Oh, oh, okay.
I see where this is going.
You're in love with Lily.
That's it, isn't it?
What? No, I...
Like I should be surprised
with her fancy medical degree
and her sexy Southern drawl.
What? She's not...
Don't talk to me,
don't look at me.
I hate you and I never
want to see you again!
And then things got crazy
and we got thrown out
of the Barclays Center.
I don't know, it felt
pretty breakup-y.
Mm.
Anyway,
we parted on pretty
bad terms, so...
I kind of thought maybe
I could...
Never contact her again
and hope she'd take
the hint and just
leave you alone?
Barney, give me some credit.
Was that the plan?
Yes.
All gone.
We need to do this more often.
We totally do.
I can't believe Marvin's
in high school.
He's growing up so fast.
Can I confess something to you?
Oh, no. What?
What happened?
Tell me what you did to my son.
This is not going
well at all.
Oh, honey, you are shaking.
Let's get you out
of the cold.
What's open near here?
â™ª
You took my infant child
to a strip club?
It was just topless.
He saw yours
all the time anyway.
Okay, I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have done that,
but that is all there is.
Okay, there is no more
to the story.
I have now told you everything.
All gone.
We need to do this more often.
We totally do.
I can't believe
Marvin's driving.
He's growing up so fast.
Okay, there's one other thing.
What?
Well, I have to go use
the ladies' room.
Can you watch him for me?
Of course.
I could just eat you up.
You left him
with a complete stranger?
He could've been...
Robin, how could you?
Lily,
please, okay,
it was 16 years ago.
He's fine.
You're right.
It's fine.
God, it feels so good to have
gotten this off my chest.
Finally it is all on the table.
All secrets are exposed
and there is nothing left
to be revealed.
All gone.
We need to do this more...
There's more to the story.
Damn it, Robin.
What could you possibly
have left out?
It's just there's, um,
one little detail that
I may have slightly altered.
If he starts crying,
just pick him up.
Yeah, there, there.
Come on,
buddy, shh.
Looks like
somebody's unhappy.
No kidding, I'm miserable.
Listen to this thing.
Maybe he needs to be held.
I think you're right.
Can you do it?
Sure.
Come here, handsome.
Come here, come here,
you handsome devil, you.
You're such a beautiful...
Aw, you're such
a cool dude.
Oh, look at you, oh.
All right, there, there,
little one, there, there.
Let me put you back
in your strolly-poo
so you can drift off
to dreamy-dreamy land.
Okay? All right.
Thank you so much.
Hey, don't worry about it.
It's my first time
alone with him,
and I just have
this weird feeling
I'm gonna drop him
or injure him in some way.
I know it's completely
insane...
Oh, heavens, oh,
watch it, no!
No!
This is not going well at all.
Oh, hon, you're shaking.
Let's get out
of the cold.
Is there anything open
near here?
â™ª
Hey, I need to go to the ladies'
room-- can you watch him for me?
Of course.
I could just eat you up.
Look at you,
yum, yum, yum, yum.
You waited 17 years to tell me
that you met the greatest boxer
of all time?
My son was rocked to sleep
by Senator Mike Tyson?
I wanted to tell you, believe me.
How could you...?
Okay, this is the
right thing to do.
You got to go up there and
break up with her for real.
And don't worry,
if anything happens,
just scream,
we'll come rescue you.
Okay.
Did you guys not hear me
screaming up there?
Aw, I feel so awful.
We went to get subs.
We got you one though.
We didn't get you one.
So, Jeanette's squatting
in your room?
What are you guys doing here?
We heard you screaming
from three blocks away.
Why is she in there?
Lily, there is no reason why.
That's like asking
why is the earth round?
Why does the sun come up
in the morning?
What do I do for a living?
There are some questions we're
not meant to know the answer to.
Crazy girls are crazy
because they're crazy.
I-I don't think it's
quite that simple.
I was talking
to a friend of mine
about Ted and Jeanette.
Oh, great, what
friend is this?
Uh, just this wise
old lady that I know.
Here's the thing
about crazy.
When a guy sends mixed
signals to a girl,
it takes a toll on her
psychological well-being.
You want to know why
a girl acts crazy,
look at the guy she's dating.
Then you really see some crazy.
Trust me.
Are you Mike Tyson?
Now, hold on.
I've dated tons
of crazy girls in my life,
and not once have I ever treated
them with anything other than...
Oh, right, I'm a monster.
Maybe the old lady
with the face tattoo is right.
Maybe the reason Jeanette's
acting this way
is Ted.
Me? How is this my fault?
Yeah, come on, this is Ted
we're talking about.
I'm sure he didn't do anything
to lead her on
or send mixed signals,
right, Ted?
Don't talk to me,
don't look at me.
I hate you and I never
want to see you again!
And we got thrown out
of the Barclays Center.
Okay, that's disappointing.
So disappointing.
Seriously.
But that was last night.
I mean, it's not like...
Listen, Jeanette, we really need
to have a serious talk
about our...
So, did Lily leave
these boots here
or was it some other bitch?
Marshall, Barney, help me!
I don't think they're coming.
I guess not.
It's those red boots.
They just look sexy
on everyone.
Okay, Ted,
what is with the red boots?
You're a smart guy,
you've got some taste,
you got a visual sense, I mean,
you're an architect
for Pete's sakes.
How can you look at
those boots and think...
Oh, my God, I'm holding it,
I'm holding the baby.
What, you've never
held him before?
Uh, tons of times.
This-this is not a
big moment for me.
This is exhilarating.
Look, yes, I know what
you're gonna say.
I have to break up with her.
No,
I was actually gonna
say the opposite.
I think you need to be
with Jeanette right now.
Because she's the one.
No. What? No.
She's insane.
But I think you are also
a little insane right now.
So I think
you need to go
be with your crazy girl for a
while and when it all goes down
in flames-- and I don't mean
that figuratively,
I expect there
to be actual flames...
And there were.
...we'll be here for you
because we love you.
Jeanette I just want
to say that, uh,
you going through
my stuff like that...
You are really
something special.
I'm gonna send Lily
a dead animal in the mail.
I think I'm falling for you.
I think we should have
a three-way with my therapist.
He's 70.
What is your ring size?
Robin.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
Really?
Yeah, you sure you
don't want to just
put him in the crib and,
you know, go home?
No, I'm good.
Okay.
Good night.
Good night.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
What's that smell?
Lily! Lily!

How I Met Your Mother

4/23/2013

How i met your Mother - S08E16 - Bad Crazy

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