<i>OLDER TED; It was May of 2006
in New York City, and life was good,
<i>But everything was about to change,
So what do you think?
Robin again?
Ted, the universe clearly does not want
you and Robin to be together.
Don't piss off the universe.
The universe will slap you.
Don't you think the universe
has more important things
to worry about than my dating life?
Unless your dating life is the glue
holding the entire universe together.
Whoa, chills. Anybody else get chills?
Look, I realize we've been
down this road before,
but the fact is, whatever I do,
it all keeps coming back to Robin.
So I gotta do this.
- What the hell?
- That wasn't me.
That was the universe.
<i>OLDER TED; The funny thing was,
at that very moment,
<i>the universe was working
on something,
<i>A storm,
So Tropical Storm Willie
is gonna be with us at least until Monday.
It's gonna rain cats and dogs, folks.
So don't step in a poodle.
- Sandy, Robin?
- Thanks, Lou.
Boy, too bad.
<i>Our big Metro News 1 camping trip
was gonna be this weekend.
Yeah, but camping out in the rain?
No fun. Muddy. Yuck.
Guess we'll have to take a rain check.
And we'll check in
with you tomorrow, New York.
Have a great night.
MAN: And we're clear.
Bummer. I was hoping to finally have sex
with you this weekend, Scherbatsky.
Well, I'd give you the
"I don't date co-workers" speech again,
but, God, you must have
that son-of-a-bitch memorized by now.
Shame, though.
It was a pretty hot show tonight.
The rhythmic give and take
of our improvised banter there at the end
really got my freak juice flowing.
(LAUGHS)
Dude, he is right.
How many times do you have
to watch this crash and burn
- before you say, "Enough"?
- One more. One more time.
One more big, beautiful, stupid,
romantic gesture
and then, whatever she says,
yes or no, that's it.
If it's yes, great.
If it's no,
then I am done going after Robin forever.
So what's this big, beautiful,
romantic gesture?
I am going to make her
a mix CD.
No, I'm kidding. I got a plan.
Lily, I'm gonna need the spare key
to Robin's apartment.
I see where this is going.
Ted, waiting naked in a girl's bed
wearing whipped cream undies
does not work.
Usually. The setting,
Martha's Vineyard, 1999.
The characters, yours truly
and a raven-haired au pair by the...
Universe.
So this plan you speak of.
Remember the first night
Robin and I went out?
<i>TED; I stole a blue French horn for her,
and it almost worked,
Yeah, dude, that was awesome.
But how are you ever gonna top that?
She should be here any second. So...
We're pretty hungry.
When do we get our pizza?
Enough with the...
We'll go get pizza later, all right?
Just stay...
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(SIGHING)
ROBIN: Damn it.
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hello?
- Hey, Lily.
I'm locked out of my apartment.
I need to come pick up my extra key.
Extra key?
Do I have an extra key to your apartment?
Yes, I gave it to you.
Oh, right. That key. Yeah, I lost it.
Great. Now I gotta go to the locksmith.
No. Wait.
Maybe you should just knock.
Knock?
Lily, my dogs aren't that well-trained.
(DOOR OPENING)
<i>(ROBIN CHA TTERING ON PHONE)
<i>Hello, Lily, This is Janet Kagen,
<i>at the Russell House Art Foundation
here in San Francisco,
<i>I'm pleased to inform you
that we've accepted your application
<i>for our summer fellowship,
<i>We look forward to hearing from you,
Bye-bye,
Robin, I gotta go. Just knock, okay?
Summer fellowship?
Just knock. Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
(GASPS)
Robin. I've sort of said this already.
I mean, I've half-said it.
I've tried to say it and I've said it badly.
So this is me, just saying it.
With strings.
I'm crazy about you.
I think we should be together.
What do you say?
- What do you say?
- Yes. No. I don't know.
Those are the three options.
- Ted, this is so...
- I know.
<i>I mean, I come home,
I was gonna watch Jeopardy,
and there's a string quartet,
and I have to pee.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Well, go ahead, we'll wait.
- Great.
Yeah, 'cause when we talked earlier,
you said there'd be pizza.
No, I said I'd get you a pizza afterwards.
Look, could we talk about this later?
- I'm sort of professing my love here.
- Sure.
We're not getting any pizza.
Okay. Let's talk.
Okay.
Hey, you guys wanna take five? All right.
Thanks, guys, we just need a minute.
Sort of a big life decision.
Love the blue instruments, though.
Kind of an inside joke.
Thanks.
- You're crazy.
- Right. Come on.
It's not that I haven't thought about this.
You know that I have.
But let's look at this, okay?
We only just started being friends again.
I know. But come on.
And... And we want different things.
That's still there. That's not going away.
I mean, what if we do this
and it doesn't work out
and I'd lose you as a friend?
I gotta think about this.
Okay, fine. Think about it on the plane.
Let's go to Paris for the weekend.
I'm serious.
(EX CLAIMS)
- I'm kidding. I'm serious.
- I can't go to Paris. I'm going camping.
- Well, I thought that thing was canceled.
- Well, it's back on.
- Since when?
- Since like an hour ago.
Sending the storm
back out into the Atlantic.
So it's blue skies this weekend.
- Sandy, Robin?
- Thanks, Lou.
But that blue sky
isn't without at least one cloud.
I'm sorry to announce
that one week from today
<i>I will be leaving Metro News 1,
It has been an honor
to bring you the news each night,
and read the paper to you each morning.
I will always treasure it.
Good night, New York.
MAN: And we're clear.
- You're leaving?
- There. I quit my job.
We're not co-workers.
Will you please have dinner with me?
(EX CLAIMS)
I'm joking. I got offered a job at CNN.
- Oh, congratulations.
- Congratulations, yourself.
- What do you mean?
- Well, Joe asked me
who I thought should replace me
as lead anchor.
I told him you.
They're announcing it next week.
Act surprised.
Wow. Thanks.
And, yes.
- Yes, what?
- Yes, let's go get dinner.
How about this weekend
on the camping trip?
I roast a mean weenie.
You're kidding me. No way.
Don't go on this thing.
Ted, I have to go.
It's a company camping trip.
Really? Because it also kind of
sounds like a date with Sandy
and his weenie.
(LAUGHS)
- I mean, is this not a date?
- I don't know.
- So, what, you actually like this guy now?
- I don't know.
- Are you gonna hook up with him?
- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.
- No, Ted, I don't.
And you know what? That's okay.
I don't plan out every second of my life,
like you do.
- I don't plan out every...
- Oh, really?
What is all of this?
I mean, why can't you just say,
"Hey, Robin, let's go get some sushi?"
No, it has to be a string quartet,
and Paris, and flowers, and chocolates,
and "Let's spend
the rest of our lives together."
(EX CLAIMS) Don't you think
we're a little past sushi at this point?
God, you are so terrified of anything real.
It's like you're floating out in space.
Touch the ground, Robin.
Live in the world, make a mistake.
Make this mistake.
I need to think about this.
Fine.
No. I'm sorry,
I can't do this anymore. I need an answer.
If you want me to say yes right now,
I can't do that.
Well, if it's not yes then it's a no.
Then I guess it's not meant to be.
- Nice try, buddy.
- Good hustle out there.
Look at the bright side.
At least you got some closure.
She's made her choice,
and you can finally move on.
Screw that. This ain't over.
(BARNEY AND LILY EX CLAIMING)
You sat here, in this very booth,
and you said...
I don't care what I said.
This is gonna happen.
She can't say it's not meant to be.
It is meant to be.
And you know why?
'Cause I mean it to be.
(STAMMERING)
- Unpause?
- Unpause.
<i>OLDER TED; Let's pause,
<i>See, Marshall and Lily had a rule
that at any point during a fight,
<i>they could pause and take a break,
Their fights often lasted for days,
- A painting fellowship?
- I was never gonna take it.
- In California?
- I was never gonna take it.
Ted, she is going on that camping trip.
Dude, barring some act of God,
Robin's gonna be
with Sandy this weekend.
Fine.
If an act of God is what it takes,
then an act of God it is.
What are you talking about?
I'm gonna make it rain.
I can't let Robin go camping with this guy.
So how do I keep that from happening?
Simple. I make it rain.
Ted, do you want me to slap you again?
'Cause I kind of enjoyed it the first time.
I might be crazy right now.
No, you know what?
I am definitely crazy right now.
But I have a plan.
That girl you used
to go out with, Penelope.
Wasn't she getting her PhD
in Native American culture?
- Yeah.
- Are you still in touch with her?
Sure. I mean,
even though we stopped having sex,
we still get together like once a month
to chat and catch up,
and of course I'm not in touch with her!
Well, you're gonna
need to get in touch with her.
She's gonna teach me
how to do a rain dance.
- Did you just say a rain dance?
- Yes.
- A rain dance?
- Yes.
- A dance to make it rain.
- Yes.
(MUTTERING ANGRILY)
- No, we are not!
- Yes, we are!
Ted, you're forcing me
to be the voice of reason.
And it's not a good look for me!
- Why the hell should I help you?
- Come on.
I know it didn't work out between us,
but we did have a relationship.
We had sex twice in your car
and then you dumped me.
How is that a relationship?
Twice?
Barney, there is no way I am...
(MAN SHUSHING)
Seriously, come on.
Penelope, I really need
to make it rain this weekend.
Why?
There's this girl...
(SCOFFS) "There's this girl?"
You know, the traditional rain dance
is a sacred prayer to nature.
I don't think the Great Spirit
looks too kindly on white dudes
who co-opt it to get laid.
Penelope, this is the girl I love.
If it doesn't rain this weekend,
she's gonna end up with the wrong guy.
Please.
- This wrong guy, is he a huge jackass?
- Absolutely.
- Kind of like Barney?
- Kind of.
- Hey.
- You hit on my mom.
We weren't exclusive.
I'm in.
<i>OLDER TED; And so the three of us
headed to the roof of my building,
Okay.
Crouch down and bend over a little bit.
Wow, it took five shots of tequila
to get you in that position.
I will throw you off this roof.
So much of your mom in you.
And she's been throwing up ever since.
So how'd she manage
to eat so much chocolate?
Remember that guy, Ted,
that I was telling you about?
Well, I came home
and I found him waiting in my apartment
with a string quartet and roses
and chocolates...
Oh, that's so sweet.
Okay, yes, it's sweet in theory.
But isn't it also kind of crazy?
I mean, a string quartet in my living room.
- Who does that?
- Nobody does that.
- Exactly.
- No, honey. Nobody does that.
But I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.
I'm gonna put my hand up your dog now.
(WHIMPERING)
So you're saying
you would forbid me from going.
Forbid? Who said forbid?
I was just reminding you that there's this
wedding coming up in a couple of months,
and I was kind of hoping
you'd save the date.
Look for me,
I'll be the guy in the awesome suit.
I mean, come on, Lily,
it's what you've always wanted.
Yeah, but there's a lot of things
I've always wanted
and I haven't done any of them.
I'm sorry. I just need to do this
before settling down forever.
So now we've gone
from "I was never gonna do it"
to "I need to do this."
Did I leave the room at some point?
When did that happen?
Oh, maybe when you said
you wouldn't let me do it.
I never said that!
You know, if you're having
these kind of doubts now,
what's gonna change in three months?
Maybe we just shouldn't get married
at all.
Maybe not.
- Pause.
- Pause.
- So are you just like starving?
- Totally.
Red Lobster?
Oh, lobster, lobster, lobster,
you are delicious.
Oh, God, I love butter sauce.
There's nothing bad about it.
Say something bad about butter sauce,
I dare you.
I wouldn't dare.
Marshall, no.
We're on pause.
There's no crying in pause land.
Pause land is a magical place
with popcorn shrimp mounds
and butter sauce rivers.
Damn it!
Ted, this is funny.
Still funny.
Still... And now it's sad.
Hey, Penelope,
you sure I'm doing this right?
I think so.
Does it look anything
like a real rain dance?
I think so.
Hey, Penelope, have you ever actually seen
a rain dance performed?
No.
- No?
- I've read extensively on the subject.
First-hand accounts,
theoretical criticisms, anthropological...
Have you ever seen a rain dance?
I've seen a film strip.
Terrific. Look, I should run.
<i>I'm getting brain surgery from some guy
who's seen a couple episodes of ER,
I can't believe this.
We've been up here for the past hour
making complete asses of ourselves.
What do you mean "we," white man?
How did we get here?
A couple of days ago,
the biggest problem in my life was,
"Did Ted eat the last pudding snack pack
in the fridge?"
- Think there's still one left.
- Dibs.
- Unpause?
- Unpause.
Look, I know this sucks.
It's just something I'm going through.
I'm not asking you to understand it.
I'm not asking you to be happy about it.
I'm just asking you to support it.
Look, I want to, Lily, okay?
I really do. But I just can't.
- Why not?
- Because you're scaring the hell out of me.
That's why not.
What if you decide to go be a painter,
and then you realize
I don't fit into your life anymore,
and three months becomes forever?
Can you promise me that
that's not gonna happen?
- Marshall...
- 'Cause if you can't promise me that,
we should just break up right now.
I'm not gonna wait around
for three months
just to have my heart ripped out.
Marshall, I love you.
Can you promise me that
that's not gonna happen?
- Pause.
- No, Lily, we cannot pause this anymore.
Can you promise me that
that's not gonna happen?
- Pause!
- Why do you want me to pause?
That's just a great use
of the pause function, baby.
Thank you.
(GRUNTING)
Hey, Ted, what you doing?
A rain dance.
Dude, that's not a rain dance.
That's a fat kid with a bee in his pants.
Look, I highly doubt the Great Spirit's
a stickler for choreography.
It's the thought that counts.
She's leaving in half an hour.
(WHOOSHING)
Dude, these are your awesome years,
you're wasting them on this girl.
- This isn't gonna work.
- Yeah. I know that.
- Well, then why are you doing it?
- Because I love her.
I love her!
I told her that the first night we went out,
and here it is, eight months later,
and nothing's changed.
So, yes, I know this isn't gonna work.
But it has to work!
(YELLING) Do you hear me, universe?
This is Ted Mosby talking!
Give me some rain!
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
Oh, come on!
(LAUGHING JUBILANTLY)
Pushing the front
back into the tri-state area,
<i>and giving Manhattan
one of its worst storms
<i>in over a decade,
How about that? He did it.
Robin. Hey, Robin.
Oh, thank God you're here.
My camping trip got rained out.
I know. I'm sorry.
- It's not your fault.
- Yeah, it is.
Come down here.
It's pouring. You come up.
No, you have to come down here.
- Why?
- Why?
Because I made it rain.
That's what I did today.
And that's enough.
I've done my part, now get down here!
I'm not dressed, Ted. You come up.
I'm not coming up there, Robin, I'm not.
You have to come down here.
- I was gonna...
- I know.
<i>OLDER TED; And that's how Robin and I
ended up together,
<i>Turns out all I had to do was make it rain,
<i>As I rode home the next morning,
the city looked the same,
<i>the people looked the same,
it all looked the same,
<i>But it wasn't,
<i>In just one night, everything had changed,
<i>(ALTERNA TIVE ROCKSONG
PLA YING)
Showing posts with label season 1. Show all posts
Showing posts with label season 1. Show all posts
5/18/2011
How I Met Your Mother - S01E21 - Milk
<i>OLDER TED; Kids, life is a dark road,
You never really know what's up ahead,
<i>One night, you're cruising along,
enjoying the ride,
<i>and then all of a sudden, you're 28,
- And for the birthday boy, lasagna.
- Thank you.
- Careful. The plate is very hot.
- Okay.
Oh, go on, touch it.
(EX CLAIMS)
Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!
All right, so, Barney,
are you doing this or what?
- Oh, jeez, Barney, don't do this.
- I have to. It's my birthday present to Ted.
You don't have to.
Please, it's going to be embarrassing,
and we're gonna have
to stop coming here, which will suck,
in addition to probably being
kind of healthy.
Come on, Marshall,
it's the greatest pickup line of all time.
Barney.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Ah! Happy birthday, Ted.
(WHOOPS)
Excuse me, has anyone ever told you...
- Oh, my God!
- What?
Oh, call an ambulance!
- What's going on?
- Try not to speak. Here, sit down.
Just don't talk. Don't talk.
- Is she okay?
- I'm serious, call 911.
What's wrong? What's the matter?
(SHUSHING)
Just don't move. Don't move. Just try...
Here, have some water. Water!
Here, drink this.
You know, the more I watch this,
the less convinced I am
that it's the greatest pickup line
of all time.
Wait for it.
Twenty-eight.
Two more until the big one. Three-O.
<i>OLDER TED; Actually,
my 30th birthday wasn't so bad,
<i>Well, except for the goat in my bathroom,
Which is a great story,
(BLEATING)
<i>But I'll get to that later,
Still, you know, another year older.
Still single.
You don't hear
your Ted-o-Iogical clock ticking?
Nope. I hit the snooze button.
And here come the paramedics.
- Oh, thank God, you're here.
- What is going on?
I think there might be
some internal bleeding.
Probably some fractures.
We gotta get her to the hospital.
- What are you talking about?
- You've had a terrible fall.
No, I haven't.
Really? 'Cause I could swear
you fell straight out of heaven, Angel.
Give him your number. What?
Give him your number. What?
Give him your...
Come on, guys, you're embarrassing me.
- Give him your number.
- Give him your number.
What are you... Come on.
- Give him your number.
- Give him your number.
They're not going to stop
till you give me your number.
- Give him your number.
- Give him your number.
- All right!
- It works!
(CHEERING)
I cannot believe
that she gave him her number.
Maybe she really does have a brain injury.
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you, everyone. It's been fun.
It's Wendy the waitress. Tip her well.
Thanks a lot, guys.
<i>Troilus and Cressida,
Neighborhood Playhouse.
Check them out, they're good.
They're good.
I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky.
I'm not going to settle.
If I'm going to marry someone,
she has to be perfect.
- Well, what's perfect?
- Well, it's not like I have a list.
- Oh, yes, you do.
- Attractive, college-educated.
She wants two kids, a boy and a girl.
- That's not hard. I know at least...
- I'm not done.
She likes dogs, Otis Redding,
does the crossword.
She's into sports,
but not so much so that her legs
are, like, more muscular than mine.
That weirds me out.
And she plays bass guitar
like Kim Deal from the Pixies.
- Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth.
- Any Kim from any cool band, really.
- Can't be too picky.
- You're never going to find this girl.
Exactly. So I'm just going to wait
for her to come to me.
I am done trying to plan the unplannable.
So, what, you think fate's just going
to take care of it?
That's the plan.
<i>OLDER TED; And little did I know,
at that very moment, fate,
<i>in the form of a 600-gigahertz,
super-processing computer
<i>was taking care of it,
<i>(BEEPING)
(TED GROANING)
- Whoa, you're up early.
- Yeah, thought I'd whip up some pancakes.
- Does Marshall know?
- He's still sound asleep.
Awesome! So awesome!
God! Best girl ever.
Screw these pancakes, I should cover you
in syrup and gobble you up.
TED: Please don't do that.
Hey, is this milk any good?
(GAGS)
Oh, yeah, that totally got me yesterday.
God, why didn't you throw it away?
I'm going shopping after work.
I'll pick up some milk.
Oh! These pancakes are delightful.
What's wrong, baby?
This is the high point of my day.
<i>OLDER TED; It was true,
<i>See, Marshall had always dreamed
of using his law degree
<i>to protect the environment,
<i>But he needed money for the wedding,
<i>so he'd been interning for two months
at Barney's firm,
<i>and he hated every minute of it,
Hey, Barney, I had some questions
about filling out these requisition forms.
Binoculars. Second pair, on my desk.
I don't have time to be creepy, dude.
I have a lot of work to do.
Just take a look, will you?
Hey, corner office. Top floor.
Check out that guy.
BARNEY: Name's Clark Butterfield.
He works over
at Nicholson, Hewitt and West,
and every morning, he orders a sandwich
from the deli downstairs.
- So?
- So, guess what I did to that sandwich?
Here, I took a picture.
Oh! Sweet Lord!
And now I'm e-mailing said picture to him.
Duck!
That is sick!
- Why would you do that?
- Who knows?
This feud goes so far back
I can't remember who fired the first shot.
- You?
- Totally.
Well, look, if you would just
help me fill out these forms,
that would be great.
What?
Butterfield is going to retaliate
within the next four hours.
That's been his pattern.
This is war, Eriksen.
I need you to clear your schedule. Call Lily.
Tell her you'll be home late.
This is stupid.
Come on, man, I didn't recruit you
to work here for your lawyering skills.
I recruited you to be
my executive mischief consultant.
This is a job for me, Barney.
It's a way to make
some extra wedding money, and that's it.
Now, I'm sorry, but I have work to do.
Tracy, could you come in here, please?
Would you please inform Mr. Eriksen
that I'm no longer speaking to him?
- Mr. Eriksen, Mr. Stinson is no longer...
- I get it. Thank you, Tracy.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Hello. May I speak with a Mr. Ted Mosby?
Speaking.
Mr. Mosby, how you doing, sir?
Bob Rorschach over here
at Love Solutions.
<i>You signed up for our services
about six months ago,
Yeah. You guys never found me a match.
Right. Well, actually,
that's why I'm calling.
<i>We found her, sir,
We found your soul mate,
I don't understand.
What happened to Ellen Pierce?
Doesn't she run this place?
Well, my firm bought out the company.
You know, we're a high-end meats
and textiles conglomerate,
but the geniuses at corporate
decided they wanted to diversify,
so here I am.
So I'm in good hands.
You found me a match?
There she is. Your soul mate.
That'll be 500 bucks.
No way. The last time I did this,
the girl turned out to be engaged.
She's not engaged. She's your soul mate.
Just read the file.
(SIGHS)
<i>OLDER TED; So I read the file,
And, by God, this woman was perfect,
<i>She liked dogs,
She spent her summers in North Carolina,
<i>She played bass guitar,
She didThe Times crossword,
<i>She played tennis, She liked old movies,
Her favorite food was lasagna,
<i>Her favorite book was
Love in the Time of Cholera.
<i>Her favorite singer was Otis Redding,
And she wanted two kids, a boy and a girl,
All right, fine. Set it up.
You wanted to see me,
so I guess that means we're talking again.
Will you taste this latte for me?
I think they gave me decaf.
It tastes normal to me.
That's what I thought, too.
Then I got this e-mail from Butterfield.
- Oh, God!
- It got me as well.
Well, then why did you have me drink it?
Because now you're in.
Okay.
Don't think I'm overlooking
the obvious fact
that I should just be mad at you.
But Executive Mischief Consultant
Marshall Eriksen reporting for duty.
Let's make that bastard pay.
You think that
we should brush our teeth first?
- Yeah, it's probably a good idea.
- Let's go.
<i>OLDER TED; So, that night I had
a blind date with my perfect match,
<i>I was so excited, I got there early,
<i>But before it even started,,,
(PHONE RINGING)
Lily?
Hey, Ted, are you busy?
Um, yes.
Oh, right. Soul mate. Forgot.
Listen, could you take
a cab out to Dutchess County
and change a flat on Marshall's Fiero?
<i>What?
What? No. Can't you just call Marshall?
Marshall can't know about this.
Look, Ted, it's dark,
I don't know how to change a tire,
and I've stumbled into the beginning
of a very scary campfire story.
- Can you please hurry?
- I can't. I'm waiting...
Oh, my God,
is that a drifter with a hook for a hand?
No, drifter, no!
- Come on, Lily.
- But you see my point.
All right, stay there. I'm on my way.
<i>OLDER TED; And so, one $90 cab ride later,
I was in the middle of nowhere,
Oh, thank God. I'm so sorry about this.
- Did you get ahold of your date?
- Yes.
- And was she okay about pushing it back?
- Yes. Because she's perfect!
So, what am I doing here?
- You can never tell Marshall.
- I won't.
Ever. Swear. Swear on the lives
of your unborn boy and girl.
I swear on Luke and Leia.
About a month ago,
I started getting insomnia.
<i>LIL Y; Marrying Marshall had been
all I wanted for a long time,
<i>But now that it was really happening,
it seemed kind of huge and scary,
<i>TED; Did you talk to Marshall about it?
LIL Y; He wouldn't have understood,
<i>He's not exactly nervous
about tying the knot,
(SNORING)
<i>So I spent my nights reading, painting,
<i>setting the high score
on Super Bomberman,
<i>- TED; That was you? Awesome!
- I know!
<i>I just got in the zone and,,,
Not the point of the story,
<i>And then I started thinking about Victoria
<i>and how she followed
her dream to Germany,
<i>then I found this art fellowship,
- Let me guess. It's somewhere far away.
- San Francisco.
But it's not like I'm going to do it.
The dates conflict with the wedding.
But I love painting,
and I've always wondered if I'm any good.
This was the way to find out.
- And the interview is tonight.
- In New Haven.
You don't want to get married.
Of course I want to get married!
I... It's not like I was ever going to do it.
I just... I just really wanted to see
if I could get this.
Lily, we live in the center
of art and culture in America.
I'm sure you could find a program here
that's just as selective.
But you chose one
in a city 3,000 miles away,
and you didn't tell Marshall.
I think it's pretty clear what that means.
Okay, I...
I was having second thoughts.
But I'm not anymore.
I... I mean, this flat tire was a sign.
I'm not supposed to do this.
I'm supposed to go home
and be with Marshall.
- You must think I'm so stupid.
- I don't think you're stupid.
- I love Marshall.
- I know you do. Come here.
It's okay.
Look, marriage is big.
You're allowed to freak out.
But why am I the only one?
How come Marshall isn't doing
anything crazy?
So all we need is one large shipping box
and 100 white mice.
All done.
Ted, let's go to New Haven.
Lily, don't do this to yourself.
I just need to know if I can get in.
If I do this interview,
and get into the program, then I'll know,
and I can forget all about it,
and get married.
Come on! It's an adventure.
No, it's not an adventure. It's a mistake.
Okay, yes, it's a mistake.
I know it's a mistake.
But there are certain things in life
where you know it's a mistake,
but you don't really know it's a mistake,
because the only way to really know
it's a mistake is to make the mistake,
and look back and say,
"Yep, that was a mistake."
So, really, the bigger mistake would be
to not make the mistake
because then you'd go your whole life
not really knowing
if something is a mistake or not.
And, damn it, I've made no mistakes!
I've done all of this,
my life, my relationship,
my career, mistake-free.
Does any of this make sense to you?
I don't know. You said "mistake" a lot.
Lily, don't do this.
Ted, I'm getting married in two months,
and I'm freaking out,
and you're my best friend,
- and you just have to forgive me for this.
- But forgive you for what?
Lily. Lily!
Hey, Lily, this is Ted,
the guy you left stranded
by the side of the road.
Just wanted to say good luck
with the interview.
Remember to pick up some milk.
Oh, and when I get home,
I'm going to kill you.
And, also, I texted you the same thing.
Hey, I need a big favor.
Anything, bro.
I need you to come up to Dutchess County
and pick me up.
No.
- It's kind of an emergency.
- What are you doing in Dutchess County?
Apple picking. Can you just get up here?
I wish I could help, buddy,
but I'm stuck here at work.
We're kind of swamped.
- Hey, is that Ted?
- Yeah. He's stuck in Dutchess County.
Don't you have a big date tonight?
(STAMMERING) Marshall. Hi. Yes. Yes, I do.
So what are you doing
in Dutchess County?
Can't a brother go apple picking
without getting the third degree? Damn!
Okay, well, hang on.
I'm coming to get you.
- No!
- Relax, man. I'll take the Fiero.
No, no, no. Just forget it.
A little prank. I'm not in Dutchess County.
So, that's the prank?
That you're not in Dutchess County?
Yep. Gotcha! Classic! Gotta go.
Hey, check it out.
This one actually looks like Butterfield.
(GIGGLING)
You know, over at the NRDC,
it's a bunch of really committed people
who take their job of saving the Earth
very, very seriously.
Which is great and everything, but
I can't imagine having
this much fun over there.
You're thinking about
coming to work here full-time?
Maybe.
- Don't tell Lily, okay?
- No.
- Taking off for the night.
- Thanks, Tracy.
Are you guys planning
on punching some holes in that box?
Of course we are.
- Were you going to think of that?
- No.
- That would have been bad.
- Horrible.
<i>OLDER TED; Luckily, there was still
one person I could call to get a ride home,
- Need a ride, cowboy?
- Sorry. I don't get in vans with strangers.
- Too bad. I got candy.
- Candy?
So, you're not going to tell me
what you were doing
by the side of a highway
in Dutchess County?
- Nope. Sworn to secrecy.
- Oh, come on.
- I like your hat.
- Right.
This is embarrassing. I got highlights.
Oh, for the waiting room
of your dental practice?
<i>- Highlights is a children's magazine.
- Yeah, I got it.
I thought it might look cool.
Of course, my colorist took "highlights"
to mean, "I want to look like a tiger,"
- hence the hat.
- Oh. I gotta see this.
- No way.
- Please. I bet it doesn't look that bad.
I bet it looks great!
"So," she says, changing the subject,
"Big date tonight."
How does she rate
on the Mosby checklist?
Kind of amazingly. She's 28, like me.
Wow, I'm 28.
College-educated, check.
Plays tennis, check.
<i>Favorite book
is Love in the Time of Cholera, check.
I read that. More like,
"Love in the time of don't bothera."
You know, it's very rude
to wear a hat indoors. I'm just saying.
- We're not indoors. We're in a van.
- Vans have doors. Let me see your hair.
- Never. What else?
- She loves lasagna.
- Barf.
- You know, I am sensing a pattern here.
What else?
Let's see what else.
Oh, she doesn't look like a tiger, check.
(EX CLAIMS)
And she's looking to get married
and have kids?
Check and check.
She wants two kids, a boy and a girl.
Wow.
You know, I've been thinking about this.
I think I want to have zero kids.
Really? You don't want kids?
You know, Ted, not everyone
is as much of a woman as you.
Hey. I'm driving.
Look at that. 8:56. You're early.
Hey, thanks for picking me up.
Good luck on your date.
I hope she's everything you're looking for.
Thanks.
(EXHALES)
All right, you've clearly had a rough night.
I want you to go in there
with a smile on your face,
so here's what I'm going to do.
You're going to show me your hair?
Actually, I was going
to show you my breasts,
but, sure, we can do hair.
(LAUGHING)
You just made my night.
Go.
<i>(MOTHER OF PEARL PLA YING)
Tomorrow morning,
Barney's going to send out the package,
and Butterfield's going to be knee-deep
in angry white mice.
- Oh, hey, dude.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Hey.
So, Lil, did you get the milk?
Yeah. Yeah, I got it.
You think you might want
to drink the milk?
No. Nope, I'm good.
I don't need any milk.
Look, guys, I know milk is important.
It's got vitamin A, vitamin D.
It's a great way to start the morning,
but Ted just had a huge date.
- How'd it go, dude?
- I didn't go.
What? Why?
I changed my mind.
I don't want to meet her.
Why? She sounds perfect.
I don't want perfect. I want Robin.
Oh, God, not this again.
- Ted, it's a mistake!
- Maybe.
But it's a mistake I have to make.
Wrong. It's a mistake
you don't have to make.
Look at the evidence.
You and Robin have tried this
again and again...
<i>OLDER TED; Here's the thing
about mistakes,
<i>Sometimes, even when you know
something's a mistake,
<i>you gotta make it, anyway,
(EX CLAIMS)
Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!
Hey, is this milk any good?
(GAGS)
<i>OLDER TED; Even really,
really dumb mistakes,
You never really know what's up ahead,
<i>One night, you're cruising along,
enjoying the ride,
<i>and then all of a sudden, you're 28,
- And for the birthday boy, lasagna.
- Thank you.
- Careful. The plate is very hot.
- Okay.
Oh, go on, touch it.
(EX CLAIMS)
Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!
All right, so, Barney,
are you doing this or what?
- Oh, jeez, Barney, don't do this.
- I have to. It's my birthday present to Ted.
You don't have to.
Please, it's going to be embarrassing,
and we're gonna have
to stop coming here, which will suck,
in addition to probably being
kind of healthy.
Come on, Marshall,
it's the greatest pickup line of all time.
Barney.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Ah! Happy birthday, Ted.
(WHOOPS)
Excuse me, has anyone ever told you...
- Oh, my God!
- What?
Oh, call an ambulance!
- What's going on?
- Try not to speak. Here, sit down.
Just don't talk. Don't talk.
- Is she okay?
- I'm serious, call 911.
What's wrong? What's the matter?
(SHUSHING)
Just don't move. Don't move. Just try...
Here, have some water. Water!
Here, drink this.
You know, the more I watch this,
the less convinced I am
that it's the greatest pickup line
of all time.
Wait for it.
Twenty-eight.
Two more until the big one. Three-O.
<i>OLDER TED; Actually,
my 30th birthday wasn't so bad,
<i>Well, except for the goat in my bathroom,
Which is a great story,
(BLEATING)
<i>But I'll get to that later,
Still, you know, another year older.
Still single.
You don't hear
your Ted-o-Iogical clock ticking?
Nope. I hit the snooze button.
And here come the paramedics.
- Oh, thank God, you're here.
- What is going on?
I think there might be
some internal bleeding.
Probably some fractures.
We gotta get her to the hospital.
- What are you talking about?
- You've had a terrible fall.
No, I haven't.
Really? 'Cause I could swear
you fell straight out of heaven, Angel.
Give him your number. What?
Give him your number. What?
Give him your...
Come on, guys, you're embarrassing me.
- Give him your number.
- Give him your number.
What are you... Come on.
- Give him your number.
- Give him your number.
They're not going to stop
till you give me your number.
- Give him your number.
- Give him your number.
- All right!
- It works!
(CHEERING)
I cannot believe
that she gave him her number.
Maybe she really does have a brain injury.
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you, everyone. It's been fun.
It's Wendy the waitress. Tip her well.
Thanks a lot, guys.
<i>Troilus and Cressida,
Neighborhood Playhouse.
Check them out, they're good.
They're good.
I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky.
I'm not going to settle.
If I'm going to marry someone,
she has to be perfect.
- Well, what's perfect?
- Well, it's not like I have a list.
- Oh, yes, you do.
- Attractive, college-educated.
She wants two kids, a boy and a girl.
- That's not hard. I know at least...
- I'm not done.
She likes dogs, Otis Redding,
does the crossword.
She's into sports,
but not so much so that her legs
are, like, more muscular than mine.
That weirds me out.
And she plays bass guitar
like Kim Deal from the Pixies.
- Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth.
- Any Kim from any cool band, really.
- Can't be too picky.
- You're never going to find this girl.
Exactly. So I'm just going to wait
for her to come to me.
I am done trying to plan the unplannable.
So, what, you think fate's just going
to take care of it?
That's the plan.
<i>OLDER TED; And little did I know,
at that very moment, fate,
<i>in the form of a 600-gigahertz,
super-processing computer
<i>was taking care of it,
<i>(BEEPING)
(TED GROANING)
- Whoa, you're up early.
- Yeah, thought I'd whip up some pancakes.
- Does Marshall know?
- He's still sound asleep.
Awesome! So awesome!
God! Best girl ever.
Screw these pancakes, I should cover you
in syrup and gobble you up.
TED: Please don't do that.
Hey, is this milk any good?
(GAGS)
Oh, yeah, that totally got me yesterday.
God, why didn't you throw it away?
I'm going shopping after work.
I'll pick up some milk.
Oh! These pancakes are delightful.
What's wrong, baby?
This is the high point of my day.
<i>OLDER TED; It was true,
<i>See, Marshall had always dreamed
of using his law degree
<i>to protect the environment,
<i>But he needed money for the wedding,
<i>so he'd been interning for two months
at Barney's firm,
<i>and he hated every minute of it,
Hey, Barney, I had some questions
about filling out these requisition forms.
Binoculars. Second pair, on my desk.
I don't have time to be creepy, dude.
I have a lot of work to do.
Just take a look, will you?
Hey, corner office. Top floor.
Check out that guy.
BARNEY: Name's Clark Butterfield.
He works over
at Nicholson, Hewitt and West,
and every morning, he orders a sandwich
from the deli downstairs.
- So?
- So, guess what I did to that sandwich?
Here, I took a picture.
Oh! Sweet Lord!
And now I'm e-mailing said picture to him.
Duck!
That is sick!
- Why would you do that?
- Who knows?
This feud goes so far back
I can't remember who fired the first shot.
- You?
- Totally.
Well, look, if you would just
help me fill out these forms,
that would be great.
What?
Butterfield is going to retaliate
within the next four hours.
That's been his pattern.
This is war, Eriksen.
I need you to clear your schedule. Call Lily.
Tell her you'll be home late.
This is stupid.
Come on, man, I didn't recruit you
to work here for your lawyering skills.
I recruited you to be
my executive mischief consultant.
This is a job for me, Barney.
It's a way to make
some extra wedding money, and that's it.
Now, I'm sorry, but I have work to do.
Tracy, could you come in here, please?
Would you please inform Mr. Eriksen
that I'm no longer speaking to him?
- Mr. Eriksen, Mr. Stinson is no longer...
- I get it. Thank you, Tracy.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Hello. May I speak with a Mr. Ted Mosby?
Speaking.
Mr. Mosby, how you doing, sir?
Bob Rorschach over here
at Love Solutions.
<i>You signed up for our services
about six months ago,
Yeah. You guys never found me a match.
Right. Well, actually,
that's why I'm calling.
<i>We found her, sir,
We found your soul mate,
I don't understand.
What happened to Ellen Pierce?
Doesn't she run this place?
Well, my firm bought out the company.
You know, we're a high-end meats
and textiles conglomerate,
but the geniuses at corporate
decided they wanted to diversify,
so here I am.
So I'm in good hands.
You found me a match?
There she is. Your soul mate.
That'll be 500 bucks.
No way. The last time I did this,
the girl turned out to be engaged.
She's not engaged. She's your soul mate.
Just read the file.
(SIGHS)
<i>OLDER TED; So I read the file,
And, by God, this woman was perfect,
<i>She liked dogs,
She spent her summers in North Carolina,
<i>She played bass guitar,
She didThe Times crossword,
<i>She played tennis, She liked old movies,
Her favorite food was lasagna,
<i>Her favorite book was
Love in the Time of Cholera.
<i>Her favorite singer was Otis Redding,
And she wanted two kids, a boy and a girl,
All right, fine. Set it up.
You wanted to see me,
so I guess that means we're talking again.
Will you taste this latte for me?
I think they gave me decaf.
It tastes normal to me.
That's what I thought, too.
Then I got this e-mail from Butterfield.
- Oh, God!
- It got me as well.
Well, then why did you have me drink it?
Because now you're in.
Okay.
Don't think I'm overlooking
the obvious fact
that I should just be mad at you.
But Executive Mischief Consultant
Marshall Eriksen reporting for duty.
Let's make that bastard pay.
You think that
we should brush our teeth first?
- Yeah, it's probably a good idea.
- Let's go.
<i>OLDER TED; So, that night I had
a blind date with my perfect match,
<i>I was so excited, I got there early,
<i>But before it even started,,,
(PHONE RINGING)
Lily?
Hey, Ted, are you busy?
Um, yes.
Oh, right. Soul mate. Forgot.
Listen, could you take
a cab out to Dutchess County
and change a flat on Marshall's Fiero?
<i>What?
What? No. Can't you just call Marshall?
Marshall can't know about this.
Look, Ted, it's dark,
I don't know how to change a tire,
and I've stumbled into the beginning
of a very scary campfire story.
- Can you please hurry?
- I can't. I'm waiting...
Oh, my God,
is that a drifter with a hook for a hand?
No, drifter, no!
- Come on, Lily.
- But you see my point.
All right, stay there. I'm on my way.
<i>OLDER TED; And so, one $90 cab ride later,
I was in the middle of nowhere,
Oh, thank God. I'm so sorry about this.
- Did you get ahold of your date?
- Yes.
- And was she okay about pushing it back?
- Yes. Because she's perfect!
So, what am I doing here?
- You can never tell Marshall.
- I won't.
Ever. Swear. Swear on the lives
of your unborn boy and girl.
I swear on Luke and Leia.
About a month ago,
I started getting insomnia.
<i>LIL Y; Marrying Marshall had been
all I wanted for a long time,
<i>But now that it was really happening,
it seemed kind of huge and scary,
<i>TED; Did you talk to Marshall about it?
LIL Y; He wouldn't have understood,
<i>He's not exactly nervous
about tying the knot,
(SNORING)
<i>So I spent my nights reading, painting,
<i>setting the high score
on Super Bomberman,
<i>- TED; That was you? Awesome!
- I know!
<i>I just got in the zone and,,,
Not the point of the story,
<i>And then I started thinking about Victoria
<i>and how she followed
her dream to Germany,
<i>then I found this art fellowship,
- Let me guess. It's somewhere far away.
- San Francisco.
But it's not like I'm going to do it.
The dates conflict with the wedding.
But I love painting,
and I've always wondered if I'm any good.
This was the way to find out.
- And the interview is tonight.
- In New Haven.
You don't want to get married.
Of course I want to get married!
I... It's not like I was ever going to do it.
I just... I just really wanted to see
if I could get this.
Lily, we live in the center
of art and culture in America.
I'm sure you could find a program here
that's just as selective.
But you chose one
in a city 3,000 miles away,
and you didn't tell Marshall.
I think it's pretty clear what that means.
Okay, I...
I was having second thoughts.
But I'm not anymore.
I... I mean, this flat tire was a sign.
I'm not supposed to do this.
I'm supposed to go home
and be with Marshall.
- You must think I'm so stupid.
- I don't think you're stupid.
- I love Marshall.
- I know you do. Come here.
It's okay.
Look, marriage is big.
You're allowed to freak out.
But why am I the only one?
How come Marshall isn't doing
anything crazy?
So all we need is one large shipping box
and 100 white mice.
All done.
Ted, let's go to New Haven.
Lily, don't do this to yourself.
I just need to know if I can get in.
If I do this interview,
and get into the program, then I'll know,
and I can forget all about it,
and get married.
Come on! It's an adventure.
No, it's not an adventure. It's a mistake.
Okay, yes, it's a mistake.
I know it's a mistake.
But there are certain things in life
where you know it's a mistake,
but you don't really know it's a mistake,
because the only way to really know
it's a mistake is to make the mistake,
and look back and say,
"Yep, that was a mistake."
So, really, the bigger mistake would be
to not make the mistake
because then you'd go your whole life
not really knowing
if something is a mistake or not.
And, damn it, I've made no mistakes!
I've done all of this,
my life, my relationship,
my career, mistake-free.
Does any of this make sense to you?
I don't know. You said "mistake" a lot.
Lily, don't do this.
Ted, I'm getting married in two months,
and I'm freaking out,
and you're my best friend,
- and you just have to forgive me for this.
- But forgive you for what?
Lily. Lily!
Hey, Lily, this is Ted,
the guy you left stranded
by the side of the road.
Just wanted to say good luck
with the interview.
Remember to pick up some milk.
Oh, and when I get home,
I'm going to kill you.
And, also, I texted you the same thing.
Hey, I need a big favor.
Anything, bro.
I need you to come up to Dutchess County
and pick me up.
No.
- It's kind of an emergency.
- What are you doing in Dutchess County?
Apple picking. Can you just get up here?
I wish I could help, buddy,
but I'm stuck here at work.
We're kind of swamped.
- Hey, is that Ted?
- Yeah. He's stuck in Dutchess County.
Don't you have a big date tonight?
(STAMMERING) Marshall. Hi. Yes. Yes, I do.
So what are you doing
in Dutchess County?
Can't a brother go apple picking
without getting the third degree? Damn!
Okay, well, hang on.
I'm coming to get you.
- No!
- Relax, man. I'll take the Fiero.
No, no, no. Just forget it.
A little prank. I'm not in Dutchess County.
So, that's the prank?
That you're not in Dutchess County?
Yep. Gotcha! Classic! Gotta go.
Hey, check it out.
This one actually looks like Butterfield.
(GIGGLING)
You know, over at the NRDC,
it's a bunch of really committed people
who take their job of saving the Earth
very, very seriously.
Which is great and everything, but
I can't imagine having
this much fun over there.
You're thinking about
coming to work here full-time?
Maybe.
- Don't tell Lily, okay?
- No.
- Taking off for the night.
- Thanks, Tracy.
Are you guys planning
on punching some holes in that box?
Of course we are.
- Were you going to think of that?
- No.
- That would have been bad.
- Horrible.
<i>OLDER TED; Luckily, there was still
one person I could call to get a ride home,
- Need a ride, cowboy?
- Sorry. I don't get in vans with strangers.
- Too bad. I got candy.
- Candy?
So, you're not going to tell me
what you were doing
by the side of a highway
in Dutchess County?
- Nope. Sworn to secrecy.
- Oh, come on.
- I like your hat.
- Right.
This is embarrassing. I got highlights.
Oh, for the waiting room
of your dental practice?
<i>- Highlights is a children's magazine.
- Yeah, I got it.
I thought it might look cool.
Of course, my colorist took "highlights"
to mean, "I want to look like a tiger,"
- hence the hat.
- Oh. I gotta see this.
- No way.
- Please. I bet it doesn't look that bad.
I bet it looks great!
"So," she says, changing the subject,
"Big date tonight."
How does she rate
on the Mosby checklist?
Kind of amazingly. She's 28, like me.
Wow, I'm 28.
College-educated, check.
Plays tennis, check.
<i>Favorite book
is Love in the Time of Cholera, check.
I read that. More like,
"Love in the time of don't bothera."
You know, it's very rude
to wear a hat indoors. I'm just saying.
- We're not indoors. We're in a van.
- Vans have doors. Let me see your hair.
- Never. What else?
- She loves lasagna.
- Barf.
- You know, I am sensing a pattern here.
What else?
Let's see what else.
Oh, she doesn't look like a tiger, check.
(EX CLAIMS)
And she's looking to get married
and have kids?
Check and check.
She wants two kids, a boy and a girl.
Wow.
You know, I've been thinking about this.
I think I want to have zero kids.
Really? You don't want kids?
You know, Ted, not everyone
is as much of a woman as you.
Hey. I'm driving.
Look at that. 8:56. You're early.
Hey, thanks for picking me up.
Good luck on your date.
I hope she's everything you're looking for.
Thanks.
(EXHALES)
All right, you've clearly had a rough night.
I want you to go in there
with a smile on your face,
so here's what I'm going to do.
You're going to show me your hair?
Actually, I was going
to show you my breasts,
but, sure, we can do hair.
(LAUGHING)
You just made my night.
Go.
<i>(MOTHER OF PEARL PLA YING)
Tomorrow morning,
Barney's going to send out the package,
and Butterfield's going to be knee-deep
in angry white mice.
- Oh, hey, dude.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Hey.
So, Lil, did you get the milk?
Yeah. Yeah, I got it.
You think you might want
to drink the milk?
No. Nope, I'm good.
I don't need any milk.
Look, guys, I know milk is important.
It's got vitamin A, vitamin D.
It's a great way to start the morning,
but Ted just had a huge date.
- How'd it go, dude?
- I didn't go.
What? Why?
I changed my mind.
I don't want to meet her.
Why? She sounds perfect.
I don't want perfect. I want Robin.
Oh, God, not this again.
- Ted, it's a mistake!
- Maybe.
But it's a mistake I have to make.
Wrong. It's a mistake
you don't have to make.
Look at the evidence.
You and Robin have tried this
again and again...
<i>OLDER TED; Here's the thing
about mistakes,
<i>Sometimes, even when you know
something's a mistake,
<i>you gotta make it, anyway,
(EX CLAIMS)
Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!
Hey, is this milk any good?
(GAGS)
<i>OLDER TED; Even really,
really dumb mistakes,
How I Met Your Mother - S01E20 - Best Prom Ever
(BOTH EX CLAIMING)
<i>OLDER TED; Kids, about eight months
<i>into Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall's
engagement,
<i>there occurred
a game-changing emergency,
- Van Smoot is available.
- Oh, my God.
<i>OLDER TED; Van Smoot House
was a gorgeous mansion
<i>right on the Hudson River,
<i>It had everything Marshall and Lily
wanted for their wedding,
<i>but it was never available,
And then, suddenly, it was,
There was a cancellation
two months from now.
You want to have our wedding
in two months?
No. It's impossible.
It's Van Smoot, Lily. It's the dream.
No, there's just not enough time.
There's no...
Mini-vomit.
Okay, look, look, look.
I know that it's sudden, but check it.
If we don't take this, guess who's
on their way with a deposit check?
Todd and Valerie?
<i>OLDER TED; When you're
planning a wedding,
<i>there's always one couple
with similar taste
<i>that seems to be one step ahead of you,
<i>Todd and Valerie were that couple,
We got to make a decision.
Todd and Valerie are in motion.
Van Smoot!
No! Kids, color!
- Baby, pick me.
- Come on, come on, come on.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Hello, Marshall. Lily.
Todd. Valerie.
Stairs.
I can't believe it.
We got Van Smoot House.
It is on. It is on! Like the former
Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan.
- What?
- You're a wonder.
Wow. You guys are getting married
in two months.
How are you going to get
everything done?
Division of labor.
Everyone's got a job to do, so listen up.
Okay, Robin, you and Ted go to the florist.
<i>OLDER TED; Robin had been mad at me
since the night I slightly exaggerated
<i>my not-having-a-girlfriend-ness,
- Was it...
- It was your girlfriend.
You might want to call her back.
Or, actually, Robin,
why don't you go to the florist?
And, Ted, I could use your keen
architectural eye on the invitations.
Wow, that was really awkward, Lil.
And still.
It's still really awkward right now.
Hey, what about me? What's my job?
What do I get to do?
Okay, your job is very simple.
At the wedding, do not sleep with
anyone even remotely related to me.
(LAUGHS)
Lil, you know I can't promise that.
Look how cute she looks. All tuckered out.
Hey, babe. Hey, little one. Hey, Lilypad.
Crap! Band! We forgot a band!
It's just gonna be silence
and then people chewing.
(SHUSHING)
Baby, don't worry about it. I called The 88!
- Who?
- The 88.
They're this awesome band.
They played my law review party.
They were found guilty.
On three counts of rocking.
Yeah, I saw them two months ago
at my cousin Bonzo's wedding.
They were great.
John "Bonzo" Bonham from Led Zeppelin?
Yes, Lily, my cousin, the drummer
from Led Zeppelin who died in 1980,
got married two months ago.
Look, I can't sign off on a band
I've never even seen.
We don't even know
if they can play our song.
They're going to have to
come over here and audition.
Baby, The 88 don't audition. They're like
The Wiggles of wedding bands.
Well, then I have to say no.
Baby, they're only holding the date
until Monday.
Well, are they playing
anywhere this weekend?
Let me check their website.
What?
Lily, you're being a wee bit intense
about this band thing.
Intense? I have a wedding to plan
in nine weeks for 200 people.
Even if a dinosaur
should poke his head out of my butt
and consume this coffee table,
- I need you to roll with it, okay?
- Wow.
Guys. I just tasted an amazing caterer.
- We already have a caterer.
- Oh, right. You're getting married.
You see what I did there?
It looks like The 88 are playing
at a high school prom
in New Jersey tomorrow.
A prom? Can we go to that?
Yeah, we'll just call the high school,
they'll let us stand in the back and watch.
- Yeah. No, they won't.
- Why not?
'Cause it turns out
we're not in high school.
No sweat, we'll just sneak in.
We're not sneaking
into a high school prom.
Yes, we are. It's the only way.
You're getting on board
with Barney's idea?
Man, you really have snapped.
It's nine weeks till the wedding.
At this point,
I'd say yes to just about anything.
- Well...
- No, Barney.
<i>OLDER TED; And so, Aunt Lily
hatched the plan to crash a prom,
- I'll go with you.
- Really?
Yeah, I never got to go to my prom.
We always had field hockey nationals
in the spring.
(FEIGNED COUGHING)
Lesbian.
The cough is supposed to cover
the "lesbian."
No, I'm trying to start a thing
where the cough is separate.
Do you think we look young enough
to blend in at a high school?
Please, I'm ageless, Scherbatsky
just needs a good night's sleep,
and you've got "statutory"
written all over your body.
Hey, why don't we all go?
I don't know.
More people might be harder to sneak in.
We don't want to mess things up for Lily.
Yeah, you're right. Besides, Marshall and I
have been planning
on having a guys' night out
before the wedding.
Why don't we just make it
tomorrow night?
Sounds awesome. We should go out
and just get fricking weird.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause, you know,
you'd be a bad, bad man,
and I be an outlaw.
(EX CLAIMING)
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) What?
Wow. Hey, Thelma, Louise, y'all don't
drive off no cliffs now, you hear?
Lame!
But seriously, leave me a message,
and we'll meet up later.
All right, what do you think?
Horrible.
You're gonna make such a great dad.
You look so classy and nice.
You're gonna stick out like a sore thumb.
Have you seen how the kids
are dressing these days,
with the Ashlee and the Lindsay
and the Paris?
They all dress like strippers.
It's go ho or go home.
Well, we have to get in.
I have to see this band,
'cause we have to
make a decision by Monday,
'cause I'm getting married in 71 days,
and we still don't have...
(SHUSHING) Sweetie,
just focus on one thing at a time, okay?
Right now, you just have to dress
like a whore and that's it.
- All right.
- That's the spirit.
Now, ladies, slut up.
I never thought this would be a bad thing,
but my wardrobe just isn't slutty enough.
- I didn't know I still had this.
- What?
The dress I wore to my actual prom.
<i>(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLA YING)
Dude, you are the hottest girl at this prom,
and not like in a corporate, plastic way.
Like, truly, truly hot. Like a hot soul.
You look great, too, Scooter.
So, big news. I heard from umpire school.
I'm in!
Oh, disco! I am so happy for you.
You mean happy for us, right, babe?
Scooter, you're gonna be
an umpire someday.
No, baby.
We're gonna be an umpire someday.
Nice.
Now, you ladies look good,
but your outfits are missing just one thing.
No, Barney, this is as far as we're going
to go. I'm not showing any more...
Two beautiful flowers
for two beautiful flowers.
(EX CLAIMING)
Sweet. Thank you.
Hmm.
- Robin, are you tearing up?
- No.
- Robin, are you tearing up?
- No.
I've never been to prom before, okay?
- We got to go. See you.
- Bye, have fun.
- Bye.
- See you.
They grow up into skanks so fast,
don't they, Ted?
- So, what, we ready for tonight?
- Yeah.
Just one thing we got to do first.
Shot of Jim Beam?
- Yeah.
- Yes!
And then I promised Lily that we'd stuff
200 wedding invitations.
- What?
- I'm sorry, dude,
but you saw how stressed out she is.
Come on! You've been doing
wedding stuff nonstop. Take a break.
Once you're married, if we go out,
and you get so drunk
you throw up, it'll be sad,
but if we do it tonight, it'll be less sad.
Okay, it'll be cool. I'll tell you what.
We'll make a game out of it.
First one to stuff 100 invitations
gets a big prize.
Do I look like I'm four?
All right, what kind of prize
are we talking about?
<i>(MUSIC PLA YING)
Wow, a lot more security
than when we were kids.
- Is this gonna work?
- Yeah.
Look, when I was 17,
I used to sneak into clubs all the time.
It's all about confidence. Follow me.
(EX CLAIMING)
Happy prom, everybody. Going to prom.
(EX CLAIMING)
- You're adults.
- Okay, bye.
Okay, look, I just need to see the band.
I'm getting married in two months, and...
(LAUGHING)
And you're just finding a band?
Hey, hey.
I'm sorry, ma'am. You either need to be
a student or the date of a student.
Wow. "Ma'am?" Check and mate.
It's cool. Time to activate Plan "B."
Scherbatsky, how comfortable are you
with a crossbow?
Scherbatsky?
Hey, guys.
You want to take two hot girls to prom?
We don't have that kind of money.
- For free.
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Great. I'm Robin, this is my friend Lily.
- Hi.
- Shall we?
- Sure.
I knew it would happen. This is the dream.
Hey, wait. How's Barney getting in?
Don't worry about me. I'll get in.
Oh, I'll get in.
<i>(PLA YING ROCKSONG)
<i>- We're in!
- Thank you, We're going to take a break,
You're kidding me.
Hey, you ladies want something
to take the edge off?
Yeah, what the hell? It's prom.
That tastes like cough syrup.
Yeah, we couldn't get any alcohol.
Our fake IDs say we're only 20.
We didn't realize it
till after we bought them.
Nerds who aren't good at math?
Life's going to be rough, boys.
Hi. Excuse me.
<i>I was wondering if you guys could
play Good Feeling by the Violent Femmes.
I know it's probably not in your repertoire,
but I'm getting married and my fiancé
wants to hire you guys as the band,
<i>but I can't sign off on it
until I hear you play Good Feeling
because that's our song,
and what kind of wedding band
would you be
if you couldn't play our song, right? Right?
Look, I'm kind of wasted right now,
so I didn't understand any of that.
But if you get us the sheet music,
we'll play your song.
Okay.
So, you buzzing, baby?
My phlegm feels looser.
This is pathetic. It's guys' night.
We should be out in a bar getting in fights.
Hey, if I got in a fight,
would you have my back?
You know it.
I'd have your back, too.
That's cool.
(LAUGHS)
What, you don't think you'd need my help?
Hey, you don't know what I can do.
I'm like...
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Like a berserker.
Okay, Ted. Hello?
Hey, it's Robin.
<i>Lily needs you to download
the sheet music for Good Feeling
and bring it out here, like, now.
Hang on. It's Robin.
She wants me to go to prom.
- Can Ted come?
- Wait! Don't ask! That's so lame!
I don't even want to go, anyway.
I don't know.
Things have been so weird between us.
What'd she say? What'd she say?
He lied and told me he broke up
with his girlfriend
to try to hook up with me.
I mean, I know he apologized for it
but it's just... It's not easy to forgive.
Well, look,
if you absolutely must bring Ted,
it's not like I'm going to claw
my own eyes out if he comes.
Okay, bye.
She totally wants you to come.
(EX CLAIMING)
All right, sheet music's on the way.
You okay?
There's just so much to do
for this wedding. My head is swirling.
It's just all moving too fast.
How is it moving too fast?
We've been together for two years.
I just...
I just don't want everything
in my life to be decided already.
What's decided?
I go to umpire school, you go to college.
We move into my dad's house
in Staten Island.
We have kids, we grow old together.
What's decided? It's wide open!
Scooter, when I go off to college,
that's the end for us.
You're breaking up with me?
There's still so much I want to do.
I want to travel, live overseas as an artist,
maybe have a lesbian relationship.
Plus, I think I was just dating you 'cause
you look a little bit like Kurt Cobain.
I can't believe this.
I can change.
I can look more like Kurt Cobain.
Please, just don't leave me!
I'm nothing without you, baby.
Please don't put that kind
of pressure on me! It's too much!
- It's just one dance. God!
- What?
Well, we did promise them one dance.
Yeah, sure, okay.
<i>(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLA YING)
So, Andrew, what's your big plan?
What's life going to be like after tonight?
Well, you know, I got it all worked out.
Leave this place in my dust,
four awesome years at college,
and then I'll move to Prague or start my
own video game company or something.
- No, you won't.
- I won't?
No, you won't accomplish anything
you set out to.
You'll get a girlfriend
the first day of college
and you'll give up your independence
and you'll never live abroad
and you'll wind up old
before your time, wondering,
"Whatever happened
to my hopes and my dreams?"
You really think I'll get a girlfriend?
So, what's the deal here?
Am I getting lucky tonight?
Sean, look, you're a nice guy,
but I just don't...
(VOMITING)
No, you're not getting lucky tonight.
Okay, just be cool. Don't look at me.
- Okay.
- How'd you get in here?
What's it to you, giant turtle?
It's me. Barney.
- Hey. Where's Lily?
- She's in the bathroom.
- Wait here, I should go talk to the band.
- All right.
How did you guys get in here?
- We just snuck in the back.
- You just... Are you serious?
I've been trying to get in here all night.
I finally paid a janitor 200 bucks
to let me borrow this mascot costume.
- But you got in.
- Yeah.
Slow and steady won the race.
Hey, bro, have you seen my fiancée, Lily?
Your fiancée? Whoa.
Tonight she's with me, bro.
Unless you're looking for trouble.
Listen, little buddy, I understand it's prom
and the adrenaline's pumping, but...
No, not tonight.
I've waited too long for this.
I finally got a girl and I'm not going
to let you take her away from me.
(CHUCKLING) Whoah, whoah.
- Look, let's not get carried away.
- (EX CLAIMING) Nunchaku!
(GROANS)
TED: I'm coming at you!
I can't believe I unloaded like that
on a high school senior.
I can't believe a high school senior
unloaded like that on me.
I'm going to ask you something
and maybe it's crazy
'cause you guys
are the cutest couple ever.
But are you having second thoughts?
Yeah.
But not about Marshall. About me.
I just keep thinking about
the girl I was 10 years ago
and wondering what happened to her.
I don't want to be tied down.
I want to live in France and Spain and Italy
and just soak up life
and put it on a canvas,
even if it means being
a waitress in crappy cafés for five years,
I don't care. I'm going to be a painter.
And I can't do any of that with a boyfriend
shackled around my neck, you know?
But, anyway, I'm blabbering.
Way to make new friends, Lily.
I'm sorry. What was your name again?
Marshall.
Nice to meet you, Marshall.
Guess we're hall mates.
Yeah.
<i>(VIOLENTFEMMES PLA YING
GOOD FEELING)
It works.
- Violent Femmes. I love this song.
- Me, too.
I didn't have any of the experiences
I set out to.
The travel, the bohemian art life,
my big lesbian experience.
I didn't do any of it.
Lily, you're marrying
your best friend in the world.
I mean, isn't that worth
all the other experiences combined?
Yeah.
And, look, you can still travel.
I mean, you can still paint.
And as far as your lesbian experience...
- Happy?
- Yeah.
- So field hockey, huh?
- Shut up.
Trespassing, assaulting a minor.
And this mascot costume you stole
cost $5,000.
We can have you guys arrested,
you know that?
Oh, come on, you're the one who let in
a kid with nunchucks.
You call yourself security guards?
I was just defending my boy here.
- I totally could have taken that kid.
- Yeah, and I totally had your back, so...
- Well, I didn't need it, but thanks.
- Yeah, you did, and you're welcome.
No, the kid was totally like
a white belt and I'm gigantic.
Listen, guys, I'm sorry. Please, I just need
to get in there for one more song.
Absolutely not.
You guys will thank me
for this later, okay?
- Listen, Don, Ray, can't we all...
- Hey!
You know, for a turtle,
he's surprisingly quick.
This one goes out to that redhead girl
and that tall guy.
<i>(PLA YING GOOD FEELING)
- So, how was your first prom?
- You tell me.
I hated my dress, my date got wasted
and puked on me, there was a huge fight,
and I kissed a girl.
So, basically, it was a prom.
(LAUGHS)
Okay, I've missed you.
Not in a we're-going-to-make-out way,
not even in an l-forgive-you way.
Just in an I've-missed-you way.
I'll take what I can get.
And that, my friends, is why
you don't get your money's worth
when you wear jeans to a strip club.
So you got to admit,
The 88 are rocking our song.
Yeah, it's good.
Band. Check.
Two months, baby. Two months.
Two months.
Two months.
<i>OLDER TED; Kids, about eight months
<i>into Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall's
engagement,
<i>there occurred
a game-changing emergency,
- Van Smoot is available.
- Oh, my God.
<i>OLDER TED; Van Smoot House
was a gorgeous mansion
<i>right on the Hudson River,
<i>It had everything Marshall and Lily
wanted for their wedding,
<i>but it was never available,
And then, suddenly, it was,
There was a cancellation
two months from now.
You want to have our wedding
in two months?
No. It's impossible.
It's Van Smoot, Lily. It's the dream.
No, there's just not enough time.
There's no...
Mini-vomit.
Okay, look, look, look.
I know that it's sudden, but check it.
If we don't take this, guess who's
on their way with a deposit check?
Todd and Valerie?
<i>OLDER TED; When you're
planning a wedding,
<i>there's always one couple
with similar taste
<i>that seems to be one step ahead of you,
<i>Todd and Valerie were that couple,
We got to make a decision.
Todd and Valerie are in motion.
Van Smoot!
No! Kids, color!
- Baby, pick me.
- Come on, come on, come on.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Hello, Marshall. Lily.
Todd. Valerie.
Stairs.
I can't believe it.
We got Van Smoot House.
It is on. It is on! Like the former
Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan.
- What?
- You're a wonder.
Wow. You guys are getting married
in two months.
How are you going to get
everything done?
Division of labor.
Everyone's got a job to do, so listen up.
Okay, Robin, you and Ted go to the florist.
<i>OLDER TED; Robin had been mad at me
since the night I slightly exaggerated
<i>my not-having-a-girlfriend-ness,
- Was it...
- It was your girlfriend.
You might want to call her back.
Or, actually, Robin,
why don't you go to the florist?
And, Ted, I could use your keen
architectural eye on the invitations.
Wow, that was really awkward, Lil.
And still.
It's still really awkward right now.
Hey, what about me? What's my job?
What do I get to do?
Okay, your job is very simple.
At the wedding, do not sleep with
anyone even remotely related to me.
(LAUGHS)
Lil, you know I can't promise that.
Look how cute she looks. All tuckered out.
Hey, babe. Hey, little one. Hey, Lilypad.
Crap! Band! We forgot a band!
It's just gonna be silence
and then people chewing.
(SHUSHING)
Baby, don't worry about it. I called The 88!
- Who?
- The 88.
They're this awesome band.
They played my law review party.
They were found guilty.
On three counts of rocking.
Yeah, I saw them two months ago
at my cousin Bonzo's wedding.
They were great.
John "Bonzo" Bonham from Led Zeppelin?
Yes, Lily, my cousin, the drummer
from Led Zeppelin who died in 1980,
got married two months ago.
Look, I can't sign off on a band
I've never even seen.
We don't even know
if they can play our song.
They're going to have to
come over here and audition.
Baby, The 88 don't audition. They're like
The Wiggles of wedding bands.
Well, then I have to say no.
Baby, they're only holding the date
until Monday.
Well, are they playing
anywhere this weekend?
Let me check their website.
What?
Lily, you're being a wee bit intense
about this band thing.
Intense? I have a wedding to plan
in nine weeks for 200 people.
Even if a dinosaur
should poke his head out of my butt
and consume this coffee table,
- I need you to roll with it, okay?
- Wow.
Guys. I just tasted an amazing caterer.
- We already have a caterer.
- Oh, right. You're getting married.
You see what I did there?
It looks like The 88 are playing
at a high school prom
in New Jersey tomorrow.
A prom? Can we go to that?
Yeah, we'll just call the high school,
they'll let us stand in the back and watch.
- Yeah. No, they won't.
- Why not?
'Cause it turns out
we're not in high school.
No sweat, we'll just sneak in.
We're not sneaking
into a high school prom.
Yes, we are. It's the only way.
You're getting on board
with Barney's idea?
Man, you really have snapped.
It's nine weeks till the wedding.
At this point,
I'd say yes to just about anything.
- Well...
- No, Barney.
<i>OLDER TED; And so, Aunt Lily
hatched the plan to crash a prom,
- I'll go with you.
- Really?
Yeah, I never got to go to my prom.
We always had field hockey nationals
in the spring.
(FEIGNED COUGHING)
Lesbian.
The cough is supposed to cover
the "lesbian."
No, I'm trying to start a thing
where the cough is separate.
Do you think we look young enough
to blend in at a high school?
Please, I'm ageless, Scherbatsky
just needs a good night's sleep,
and you've got "statutory"
written all over your body.
Hey, why don't we all go?
I don't know.
More people might be harder to sneak in.
We don't want to mess things up for Lily.
Yeah, you're right. Besides, Marshall and I
have been planning
on having a guys' night out
before the wedding.
Why don't we just make it
tomorrow night?
Sounds awesome. We should go out
and just get fricking weird.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause, you know,
you'd be a bad, bad man,
and I be an outlaw.
(EX CLAIMING)
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) What?
Wow. Hey, Thelma, Louise, y'all don't
drive off no cliffs now, you hear?
Lame!
But seriously, leave me a message,
and we'll meet up later.
All right, what do you think?
Horrible.
You're gonna make such a great dad.
You look so classy and nice.
You're gonna stick out like a sore thumb.
Have you seen how the kids
are dressing these days,
with the Ashlee and the Lindsay
and the Paris?
They all dress like strippers.
It's go ho or go home.
Well, we have to get in.
I have to see this band,
'cause we have to
make a decision by Monday,
'cause I'm getting married in 71 days,
and we still don't have...
(SHUSHING) Sweetie,
just focus on one thing at a time, okay?
Right now, you just have to dress
like a whore and that's it.
- All right.
- That's the spirit.
Now, ladies, slut up.
I never thought this would be a bad thing,
but my wardrobe just isn't slutty enough.
- I didn't know I still had this.
- What?
The dress I wore to my actual prom.
<i>(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLA YING)
Dude, you are the hottest girl at this prom,
and not like in a corporate, plastic way.
Like, truly, truly hot. Like a hot soul.
You look great, too, Scooter.
So, big news. I heard from umpire school.
I'm in!
Oh, disco! I am so happy for you.
You mean happy for us, right, babe?
Scooter, you're gonna be
an umpire someday.
No, baby.
We're gonna be an umpire someday.
Nice.
Now, you ladies look good,
but your outfits are missing just one thing.
No, Barney, this is as far as we're going
to go. I'm not showing any more...
Two beautiful flowers
for two beautiful flowers.
(EX CLAIMING)
Sweet. Thank you.
Hmm.
- Robin, are you tearing up?
- No.
- Robin, are you tearing up?
- No.
I've never been to prom before, okay?
- We got to go. See you.
- Bye, have fun.
- Bye.
- See you.
They grow up into skanks so fast,
don't they, Ted?
- So, what, we ready for tonight?
- Yeah.
Just one thing we got to do first.
Shot of Jim Beam?
- Yeah.
- Yes!
And then I promised Lily that we'd stuff
200 wedding invitations.
- What?
- I'm sorry, dude,
but you saw how stressed out she is.
Come on! You've been doing
wedding stuff nonstop. Take a break.
Once you're married, if we go out,
and you get so drunk
you throw up, it'll be sad,
but if we do it tonight, it'll be less sad.
Okay, it'll be cool. I'll tell you what.
We'll make a game out of it.
First one to stuff 100 invitations
gets a big prize.
Do I look like I'm four?
All right, what kind of prize
are we talking about?
<i>(MUSIC PLA YING)
Wow, a lot more security
than when we were kids.
- Is this gonna work?
- Yeah.
Look, when I was 17,
I used to sneak into clubs all the time.
It's all about confidence. Follow me.
(EX CLAIMING)
Happy prom, everybody. Going to prom.
(EX CLAIMING)
- You're adults.
- Okay, bye.
Okay, look, I just need to see the band.
I'm getting married in two months, and...
(LAUGHING)
And you're just finding a band?
Hey, hey.
I'm sorry, ma'am. You either need to be
a student or the date of a student.
Wow. "Ma'am?" Check and mate.
It's cool. Time to activate Plan "B."
Scherbatsky, how comfortable are you
with a crossbow?
Scherbatsky?
Hey, guys.
You want to take two hot girls to prom?
We don't have that kind of money.
- For free.
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Great. I'm Robin, this is my friend Lily.
- Hi.
- Shall we?
- Sure.
I knew it would happen. This is the dream.
Hey, wait. How's Barney getting in?
Don't worry about me. I'll get in.
Oh, I'll get in.
<i>(PLA YING ROCKSONG)
<i>- We're in!
- Thank you, We're going to take a break,
You're kidding me.
Hey, you ladies want something
to take the edge off?
Yeah, what the hell? It's prom.
That tastes like cough syrup.
Yeah, we couldn't get any alcohol.
Our fake IDs say we're only 20.
We didn't realize it
till after we bought them.
Nerds who aren't good at math?
Life's going to be rough, boys.
Hi. Excuse me.
<i>I was wondering if you guys could
play Good Feeling by the Violent Femmes.
I know it's probably not in your repertoire,
but I'm getting married and my fiancé
wants to hire you guys as the band,
<i>but I can't sign off on it
until I hear you play Good Feeling
because that's our song,
and what kind of wedding band
would you be
if you couldn't play our song, right? Right?
Look, I'm kind of wasted right now,
so I didn't understand any of that.
But if you get us the sheet music,
we'll play your song.
Okay.
So, you buzzing, baby?
My phlegm feels looser.
This is pathetic. It's guys' night.
We should be out in a bar getting in fights.
Hey, if I got in a fight,
would you have my back?
You know it.
I'd have your back, too.
That's cool.
(LAUGHS)
What, you don't think you'd need my help?
Hey, you don't know what I can do.
I'm like...
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Like a berserker.
Okay, Ted. Hello?
Hey, it's Robin.
<i>Lily needs you to download
the sheet music for Good Feeling
and bring it out here, like, now.
Hang on. It's Robin.
She wants me to go to prom.
- Can Ted come?
- Wait! Don't ask! That's so lame!
I don't even want to go, anyway.
I don't know.
Things have been so weird between us.
What'd she say? What'd she say?
He lied and told me he broke up
with his girlfriend
to try to hook up with me.
I mean, I know he apologized for it
but it's just... It's not easy to forgive.
Well, look,
if you absolutely must bring Ted,
it's not like I'm going to claw
my own eyes out if he comes.
Okay, bye.
She totally wants you to come.
(EX CLAIMING)
All right, sheet music's on the way.
You okay?
There's just so much to do
for this wedding. My head is swirling.
It's just all moving too fast.
How is it moving too fast?
We've been together for two years.
I just...
I just don't want everything
in my life to be decided already.
What's decided?
I go to umpire school, you go to college.
We move into my dad's house
in Staten Island.
We have kids, we grow old together.
What's decided? It's wide open!
Scooter, when I go off to college,
that's the end for us.
You're breaking up with me?
There's still so much I want to do.
I want to travel, live overseas as an artist,
maybe have a lesbian relationship.
Plus, I think I was just dating you 'cause
you look a little bit like Kurt Cobain.
I can't believe this.
I can change.
I can look more like Kurt Cobain.
Please, just don't leave me!
I'm nothing without you, baby.
Please don't put that kind
of pressure on me! It's too much!
- It's just one dance. God!
- What?
Well, we did promise them one dance.
Yeah, sure, okay.
<i>(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLA YING)
So, Andrew, what's your big plan?
What's life going to be like after tonight?
Well, you know, I got it all worked out.
Leave this place in my dust,
four awesome years at college,
and then I'll move to Prague or start my
own video game company or something.
- No, you won't.
- I won't?
No, you won't accomplish anything
you set out to.
You'll get a girlfriend
the first day of college
and you'll give up your independence
and you'll never live abroad
and you'll wind up old
before your time, wondering,
"Whatever happened
to my hopes and my dreams?"
You really think I'll get a girlfriend?
So, what's the deal here?
Am I getting lucky tonight?
Sean, look, you're a nice guy,
but I just don't...
(VOMITING)
No, you're not getting lucky tonight.
Okay, just be cool. Don't look at me.
- Okay.
- How'd you get in here?
What's it to you, giant turtle?
It's me. Barney.
- Hey. Where's Lily?
- She's in the bathroom.
- Wait here, I should go talk to the band.
- All right.
How did you guys get in here?
- We just snuck in the back.
- You just... Are you serious?
I've been trying to get in here all night.
I finally paid a janitor 200 bucks
to let me borrow this mascot costume.
- But you got in.
- Yeah.
Slow and steady won the race.
Hey, bro, have you seen my fiancée, Lily?
Your fiancée? Whoa.
Tonight she's with me, bro.
Unless you're looking for trouble.
Listen, little buddy, I understand it's prom
and the adrenaline's pumping, but...
No, not tonight.
I've waited too long for this.
I finally got a girl and I'm not going
to let you take her away from me.
(CHUCKLING) Whoah, whoah.
- Look, let's not get carried away.
- (EX CLAIMING) Nunchaku!
(GROANS)
TED: I'm coming at you!
I can't believe I unloaded like that
on a high school senior.
I can't believe a high school senior
unloaded like that on me.
I'm going to ask you something
and maybe it's crazy
'cause you guys
are the cutest couple ever.
But are you having second thoughts?
Yeah.
But not about Marshall. About me.
I just keep thinking about
the girl I was 10 years ago
and wondering what happened to her.
I don't want to be tied down.
I want to live in France and Spain and Italy
and just soak up life
and put it on a canvas,
even if it means being
a waitress in crappy cafés for five years,
I don't care. I'm going to be a painter.
And I can't do any of that with a boyfriend
shackled around my neck, you know?
But, anyway, I'm blabbering.
Way to make new friends, Lily.
I'm sorry. What was your name again?
Marshall.
Nice to meet you, Marshall.
Guess we're hall mates.
Yeah.
<i>(VIOLENTFEMMES PLA YING
GOOD FEELING)
It works.
- Violent Femmes. I love this song.
- Me, too.
I didn't have any of the experiences
I set out to.
The travel, the bohemian art life,
my big lesbian experience.
I didn't do any of it.
Lily, you're marrying
your best friend in the world.
I mean, isn't that worth
all the other experiences combined?
Yeah.
And, look, you can still travel.
I mean, you can still paint.
And as far as your lesbian experience...
- Happy?
- Yeah.
- So field hockey, huh?
- Shut up.
Trespassing, assaulting a minor.
And this mascot costume you stole
cost $5,000.
We can have you guys arrested,
you know that?
Oh, come on, you're the one who let in
a kid with nunchucks.
You call yourself security guards?
I was just defending my boy here.
- I totally could have taken that kid.
- Yeah, and I totally had your back, so...
- Well, I didn't need it, but thanks.
- Yeah, you did, and you're welcome.
No, the kid was totally like
a white belt and I'm gigantic.
Listen, guys, I'm sorry. Please, I just need
to get in there for one more song.
Absolutely not.
You guys will thank me
for this later, okay?
- Listen, Don, Ray, can't we all...
- Hey!
You know, for a turtle,
he's surprisingly quick.
This one goes out to that redhead girl
and that tall guy.
<i>(PLA YING GOOD FEELING)
- So, how was your first prom?
- You tell me.
I hated my dress, my date got wasted
and puked on me, there was a huge fight,
and I kissed a girl.
So, basically, it was a prom.
(LAUGHS)
Okay, I've missed you.
Not in a we're-going-to-make-out way,
not even in an l-forgive-you way.
Just in an I've-missed-you way.
I'll take what I can get.
And that, my friends, is why
you don't get your money's worth
when you wear jeans to a strip club.
So you got to admit,
The 88 are rocking our song.
Yeah, it's good.
Band. Check.
Two months, baby. Two months.
Two months.
Two months.
How I Met Your Mother - S01E19 - Mary the Paralegal
Her favorite CD
in the Otis Redding box set? Disk three.
My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone?
Come on. Disk three!
God, Victoria's so amazing.
I could talk about her for hours.
What do you mean could?
I'm sorry. It's just...
God, I'm crazy about this girl.
It feels like, maybe...
- I don't wanna say it.
- Trust that impulse, Ted.
Hey, something kind of cool
just happened.
My story on Pickles, the singing dog,
just got nominated
for a Local Area Media Award.
- A LAMA?
- We prefer Local Area Media Award.
Um, there's gonna be this big banquet.
I know these things aren't much fun,
but it would really mean a lot to me
if you guys came.
Oh, well...
And there's an open bar.
- Oh, yes!
- Word up!
Put me down for two.
- Really? It's three months away.
- I know.
But, guys, I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it.
I have a feeling Victoria's gonna be around
for a long time.
I'm gonna miss Victoria.
I should just skip this thing entirely.
Robin is still pissed at me after,
you know...
You lied and said you were broken up
with Victoria before you actually were,
so you could try to nail Robin,
and you wound up losing both girls
in one night.
Yes, that's what I meant by, "You know..."
I haven't seen her in three weeks.
She won't return my calls.
- Look, I shouldn't go.
- You should definitely go.
Look, it's a chance to show her
you're still friends
and that you support her.
Or it's a chance to mess with her head
by showing up with someone hotter.
Even better, triple threat,
hotter and bigger boobs.
- That's only two.
- Count again.
Barney, I'm not bringing a date
even if I wanted to.
The thing's in two hours.
- So get an escort.
- By escort, you mean prostitute?
- Why not?
- Because gross?
Oh, what, gross?
What, you have some puritanical hang-up
about prostitution?
Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.
- You really think that's true?
- Oh, yeah.
I bet even Cro-Magnons
used to give cave-hookers,
like, an extra fish for putting out.
Uh-huh. So, then, the oldest profession
would be fisherman. Kaboom!
You've been lawyered.
Come on, Ted. Let's get you a hooker.
It'll be fun.
Okay. To bring to the banquet
and hang out with ironically
- or to actually have sex with?
- Yes.
No, it's illegal. And did I mention gross?
That's adorable.
Ted, you're such a hayseed.
The companionship business
is the growth industry of the 21st century.
You do realize that one out of every eight
adult women in America is a prostitute.
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.
Lawyered.
(GROANS)
The point is... How long has it been?
Fifty-seven days.
- Is that your water? May I?
- Yeah, go ahead.
Much obliged.
Fifty-seven days! Ted, you are in a slump.
No, it's not a slump.
It's an intentional hiatus from girls.
A slump is when you strike out
every time you step up to the plate,
but I'm off the roster, baby.
I'm in the locker room
sitting in the whirlpool.
And I'll tell you something,
it feels pretty good.
Yeah. You know what else
is in that locker room?
A bunch of naked dudes hanging brain.
Ted, you need a lady,
and I've got the next best thing. Mary.
She lives in my building.
She's smart. She's hot. She's totally cool.
Oh, she sounds great.
And, who knows, maybe we will wind up
getting married someday,
you know,
if we can get a blessing from her pimp.
You wanna judge a fellow human being
based solely on
one external characteristic?
That's racism.
And I do not drink with racists. Good day!
You're just waiting for me to speak,
so you can...
I said good day!
So should I wear my hair up or down?
So should I wear my hair up or down?
- Lily.
- What?
- You okay?
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
I'm just exhausted from work.
The stupid school board took away
naptime in all kindergarten classes,
and now the kids are just going crazy
by the end of the day.
And it's much harder to deal with
because, well, I don't get my nap.
Oh, wait, you were taking naps
when the kids were? Is that safe?
Oh, they're only five.
What are they gonna do to me?
- Ted's still coming to this thing, right?
- Yep.
Do you think, hypothetically,
it would be weird if I bring a date?
Look at you, Scherbatsky,
blatantly trying to make Ted jealous.
(STAMMERING) No, it's just this guy
at the station.
I never get involved with coworkers,
but he asked me and I said yes.
- Is it gonna be weird?
- No, it's not gonna be weird at all.
- Robin's bringing a date.
- That's gonna be really weird.
- I know.
- Okay.
- Robin's bringing a date.
- Oh. Okay, that's not weird.
She's bringing a date.
I'm glad she's moving on.
- Dude, it's gonna be weird.
- No, it's fine.
Look, in spite of whatever happened
between us, Robin and I are still friends.
I don't think it'll be weird.
- Yeah, it won't be weird.
- Thank you.
Because you're gonna bring
your own date.
- Hello, Barney.
- Hi, Mary.
Have you met Ted?
- Nice to meet you, Ted.
- Hi, Mary.
Wow! It's, uh, nice to meet you, too.
So, we're going to an award show?
Yep. Could you just excuse us
for one minute?
- Barney?
- See you in two shakes, Mar.
You two make yourselves comfortable.
What the hell?
Dude, your narrow-minded views
on professional fornicators
are harshing my mellow.
- So, I got you a date for the evening.
- You got me a hooker.
A really hot... A hooker!
Think about it. This is perfect.
A, it will make Robin insanely jealous.
B, you get to have sex with her.
And C, maybe by getting to know Mary,
you'll come to see
that courtesans are people, too.
And D, B all night long.
I'm not taking a prostitute
to Robin's banquet.
Dude, the only people who will know
are you, me and Marshall.
No one will suspect a thing.
They'll just see you with
this unbelievably smoking hot girl and...
Okay, yeah, that's a little bit suspicious.
Look, I'm just trying to expand
your horizons a little bit tonight.
But if you're not interested, fine,
I'm out 500 bucks. Whatever.
Five hundred bucks, you?
<i>Ted, you're my cabrón,
You think I'm gonna stick you with some
toothless tranny from the Port Authority?
Look at how hot she is.
Robin would be so jealous.
I'm not trying
to make Robin jealous, Barney.
Look, I... Tell Mary thanks, but no thanks.
I have a soul.
<i>OLDER TED; And then
your Uncle Marshall and I
<i>had one of our famous
<i>telepathic conversations,
<i>- Check out Robin's date,
- I know,
<i>- Is that who I think it is?
- Yep, It's Sandy Rivers,
<i>OLDER TED; Sandy Rivers
was the face ofMetro News 1,
<i>the most low-budget
cable news channel ever,
Sandy time. Sandy time!
<i>He was best known for his morning
segment in "Today's Paper,"
<i>during which he literally flipped through
today's paper reading it aloud to viewers,
<i>Here we have on the front page
a story about a,,,
<i>I guess a guy in a superhero costume
climbing the Empire State Building,
<i>Looks interesting,
<i>OLDER TED; These idiotic filler pieces
were a guilty pleasure of ours,
Oh, which Sandy do we want today?
Uh...
- French Sandy, porn-star Sandy...
- Yosemite Sandy, definitely.
Excellent choice.
(LAUGHING)
<i>SAND Y;,,, I raised these as a child,
I tell you it's not easy,
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I love this guy.
I hate this guy.
- Hey. Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Lily.
- I'm Mary. Nice to meet you.
Mary is a friend of Barney's.
Barney invited her.
Just met Mary ourselves.
Don't know too much about Mary.
Look, a beer.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You look nice.
- Oh, Ted, this is Sandy.
Hi, Sandy Rivers. Use my full name.
People get a kick out of it.
Hi, Sandy Rivers.
- So, are you two...
- Starting a bunch of office rumors?
Looks that way. Looks that way.
Oh, how rude of me.
Robin, Sandy... Rivers,
this is Mary, my date.
<i>ANNOUNCER; Ladies and gentlemen,
<i>welcome to the 45th annual
Local Area Media Awards,
<i>Please say hello
to our host for the evening,
<i>king of the Saturday afternoon
kung fu movie, Vampire Lou,
<i>Tonight we celebrate the very best
in broadcasting
<i>and the triumph of the human spirit,
Man, Vampire Lou just looks great.
I can't believe I'm on a date with a hooker.
Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily
go to the ladies' room together, man.
Secrets come out in there.
Oh, please, how's it gonna come out?
"Pass me a towel.
P.S. I have sex for money."
- Who had sex for money?
- Nobody.
What did you guys talk about in there,
anything interesting?
No, not really.
We just chitchatted,
and I borrowed her lipstick.
Yeah, why is Vampire Lou the host
of a Saturday afternoon kung fu movie?
You know? It just makes no sense.
God, that pisses me off.
Lily, you okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm just tired.
And when I get tired, I get cranky.
Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.
"Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky."
Wow. Why are you so tired?
Well, I teach kindergarten,
and the school board
took away my naptime...
The kids' naptime.
Lily, quit your job.
Work at a private school.
You won't have to deal
with the school board,
- and you'll make a ton more money.
- Well, guess what, Barney?
I don't base all my life decisions
on how much money I'm gonna make,
unlike you and sadly my fiancé.
Well, it's just an internship
for the record for everybody...
Yeah, because if I did sacrifice
all my values just for an easy buck,
- what would that make me?
- A prostitute.
Exactly. Thank you, Mary.
- So, Mary, what do you do for a living?
- She's a paralegal.
Yes, I'm a paralegal.
ROBIN: So, Mary the paralegal.
What does a paralegal do exactly?
I just assist with day-to-day clerical work
in a law firm, downtown.
- Oh, what firm?
- Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.
- That's a real law firm.
- I know.
Nice.
- Pretty good on your feet.
- Are you flirting with me?
- Is that allowed?
- Yes, it's encouraged.
(STAMMERING) You know,
I wouldn't normally say this on a first date,
but, well, considering,
I'm just gonna say it.
You are so hot.
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Mary, Ted is a great guy.
You hold on to him.
Don't let him out of your sight
for a minute.
So, Sandy, what do you do?
Oh, wait, I know what you do.
You're the guy
who reads the paper in the morning.
You got me. What do you do, Ted?
Oh, same thing as you.
I read the paper every morning.
But then after that, I finish my coffee
and I go to my real job as an architect,
where I make an actual contribution
to the world.
I'm just kidding. Love your show.
You're terrific.
Thanks. I never tire of hearing that.
<i>Hey, you know that scene in Empire
where they lower the helmet
onto Darth Vader's head?
Do you think that's how Sandy
puts his hair on in the morning?
You just insulted someone I hate
by referencing something I love.
Damn! You just got even hotter.
<i>OLDER TED; And so, as the night wore on,
I started to realize
<i>this girl, despite what she did for a living,
was kind of great,
- Hey.
- Hey.
Mary seems nice.
Have you kissed her yet or are you waiting
until you're in a serious relationship
with someone else?
Yeah. I've been meaning to apologize
for everything that happened.
And just like that it's all okay. Roll credits.
So you're gonna be mad at me forever?
What, we're not even friends now?
- We're still friends.
- We're... Are we?
You don't return my calls.
We never hang out.
And now you're trying to make me jealous
by waving Edward R. Moron in my face?
Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here
in her low-cut dress to make me jealous?
Oh, so now she's a whore?
- What?
- You know something?
Mary the paralegal is awesome.
And you know what else?
I didn't come here tonight
to make you jealous.
I came here to support you as a friend,
and frankly, I'm sick of trying.
I like that guy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What were you guys
talking about over there?
Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend
that I think you're awesome.
Well, thanks.
You know, this is one of the nicer hotels
I've ever been in.
Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel.
You should see the rooms,
the views are amazing.
Yeah? Maybe it's too bad
we don't have a room.
Room 1506, my treat. You kids go nuts.
Actually, don't use the minibar.
Do it. Come on, Ted, do it.
This is one of those things you have to do
before you turn 30.
- Sleep with a prostitute?
- No, lose your virginity. What up!
Statistic. Men who have had
at least one relationship with a prostitute
are 75% more likely
to have success in future relationships.
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.
Lawyered. Okay, three things.
First of all, Robin's category is almost up.
And second of all, you cannot do this.
It's wrong on every level.
And third, I've been placing small items
in Sandy's hair all night,
and he still hasn't noticed.
I know I can't do this. I'm not doing this.
It's just... It's a shame. She's really cool.
- Yeah, well... Here we go.
- All right.
<i>,,, Brampton for
"A Bicycle, Joy Ride or Deathtrap?"
<i>Mike Murphy
for "Thirteen, Pregnant and Addicted,"
<i>And Robin Scherbatsky
for "Pickles, the Singing Dog,"
<i>And the winner is Robin Scherbatsky,
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Thanks.
<i>Oh, wow, This is really a surprise,
<i>You know, it's nice to be able
to share this award with my friends,
<i>They're all here tonight,
<i>Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers,,,
<i>(ROBIN GIGGLES)
<i>Barney,
<i>And that's it, Those are all my friends,
Thank you,
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thanks.
- Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab?
- Sure. Let's go.
Yeah, this party is dead.
Mary, you wanna go upstairs?
We got a room.
<i>- Dude, what are you doing?
- What's it look like?
<i>It looks bad, is what it looks like,
You cannot do this,
<i>Marshall, she is a really cool girl
when you get to know her,
<i>- Besides, I'm trying to make Robin jealous,
- Oh, that's real mature,
<i>Marshall, what is up with you and Ted?
<i>Nothing, baby, Don't worry about it,
<i>Fine, Do what you want,
<i>Hey,
Should we go?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Well, good night.
Good night.
So, did you and Barney ever...
- There's not enough money in the world.
- Oh, thank God.
Yeah.
(SIGHS)
- Wow, so they're...
- Uh-huh.
- Robin, where's Sandy Rivers?
- I put him in a cab.
- So, wait, you and he aren't...
- I don't date people I work with.
I was just trying to make Ted jealous.
- Is he...
- He's off trying to make you jealous.
Oh, well, good for them.
And, you know, if Ted likes her,
she's probably pretty cool.
<i>Lily, I know you're asleep,
but I have to tell someone this,
<i>and we tell each other everything,
So here it goes,
<i>Mary's not a paralegal, She's a prostitute,
Mary's a prostitute?
- What?
- Barney paid for her.
Barney, is that true?
We were having a conversation
about prostitution.
And then Barney calls her up,
and then she shows up at the bar,
and now she and Ted are upstairs.
Okay, seriously,
what is going on with Ted, lately?
Is he having a nervous breakdown?
You know, Barney,
for anyone else this would be a new low,
but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle.
Oh, my God, I used her lipstick. Oh!
That's her napkin.
(EX CLAIMING)
Okay, well, I guess now
is as good a time as any.
In keeping with tonight's
award show motif,
I'd like to announce
this evening's big twist ending.
(EX CLAIMS)
Vampire Lou, would you do the honors?
"Mary is not really a prostitute."
- What?
- That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done.
- So she's not...
- No.
Mary is just a paralegal
who lives in my building.
Oh! And here's the best part.
She has no idea
that Ted thinks she's a hooker.
(BARNEY LAUGHING)
Oh, come on.
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Feel kind of like Richard Gere.
- Not shy about your looks, are you?
- No.
You know, Mary,
I've never done this before.
- Done what?
- You know, been on a date.
Right.
- Wait, you're kidding, right?
- No.
Why, is that so odd?
Well, Ted, I mean,
I've been going on dates since I was 15.
God, you were just a kid.
Well, look, let's just have a few drinks.
We'll relax...
Yeah, that sounds great.
I had clients riding me all day long.
- Must be tough.
- Yeah.
I mean, this one guy
just wouldn't leave me alone.
I mean, talk about anal.
Here we are.
Okay, look. Mary, I like you a lot.
(STAMMERING) I'm sort of amazed
at how much I like you.
But I can't do this, you're a hooker.
What?
Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned,
but I'm sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me.
I'm not gonna have sex with a prostitute.
Ted, I'm a paralegal.
Come on, Mary,
there's no one else around.
You're a hooker.
No, Ted. I'm a paralegal.
No, you're a hooker.
No, I'm a paralegal.
You're a paralegal.
(LAUGHING)
- That was not funny.
- Not funny, dude.
I know. It was hilarious.
- Why would you do that?
- I did it to prove a point.
(SCOFFS) What point?
Stay with me, it's gonna come to me.
Okay, here's the point.
You thought that Mary
was a sure thing, right?
So what happened? She took you up
to a hotel room on the first date.
All you have to do is be that confident
with every girl you meet
and your slump's over.
So the message is,
I should treat every woman like a whore?
Come on, dude.
You should be thanking me.
She slapped me and stormed off.
Can you blame her?
You called her a hooker.
I'm sorry, dude. It was funny.
Yeah. Well, it's getting late.
- I should get back to my room.
- Your room?
Yeah, that really expensive hotel room
you put on your credit card,
never checked out.
By the way, you know what's super fun?
Pouring Dom Perignon
down a bathtub drain.
Well, it's almost 3:00.
Got a massage. Toodles!
Come on.
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.
in the Otis Redding box set? Disk three.
My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone?
Come on. Disk three!
God, Victoria's so amazing.
I could talk about her for hours.
What do you mean could?
I'm sorry. It's just...
God, I'm crazy about this girl.
It feels like, maybe...
- I don't wanna say it.
- Trust that impulse, Ted.
Hey, something kind of cool
just happened.
My story on Pickles, the singing dog,
just got nominated
for a Local Area Media Award.
- A LAMA?
- We prefer Local Area Media Award.
Um, there's gonna be this big banquet.
I know these things aren't much fun,
but it would really mean a lot to me
if you guys came.
Oh, well...
And there's an open bar.
- Oh, yes!
- Word up!
Put me down for two.
- Really? It's three months away.
- I know.
But, guys, I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it.
I have a feeling Victoria's gonna be around
for a long time.
I'm gonna miss Victoria.
I should just skip this thing entirely.
Robin is still pissed at me after,
you know...
You lied and said you were broken up
with Victoria before you actually were,
so you could try to nail Robin,
and you wound up losing both girls
in one night.
Yes, that's what I meant by, "You know..."
I haven't seen her in three weeks.
She won't return my calls.
- Look, I shouldn't go.
- You should definitely go.
Look, it's a chance to show her
you're still friends
and that you support her.
Or it's a chance to mess with her head
by showing up with someone hotter.
Even better, triple threat,
hotter and bigger boobs.
- That's only two.
- Count again.
Barney, I'm not bringing a date
even if I wanted to.
The thing's in two hours.
- So get an escort.
- By escort, you mean prostitute?
- Why not?
- Because gross?
Oh, what, gross?
What, you have some puritanical hang-up
about prostitution?
Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.
- You really think that's true?
- Oh, yeah.
I bet even Cro-Magnons
used to give cave-hookers,
like, an extra fish for putting out.
Uh-huh. So, then, the oldest profession
would be fisherman. Kaboom!
You've been lawyered.
Come on, Ted. Let's get you a hooker.
It'll be fun.
Okay. To bring to the banquet
and hang out with ironically
- or to actually have sex with?
- Yes.
No, it's illegal. And did I mention gross?
That's adorable.
Ted, you're such a hayseed.
The companionship business
is the growth industry of the 21st century.
You do realize that one out of every eight
adult women in America is a prostitute.
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.
Lawyered.
(GROANS)
The point is... How long has it been?
Fifty-seven days.
- Is that your water? May I?
- Yeah, go ahead.
Much obliged.
Fifty-seven days! Ted, you are in a slump.
No, it's not a slump.
It's an intentional hiatus from girls.
A slump is when you strike out
every time you step up to the plate,
but I'm off the roster, baby.
I'm in the locker room
sitting in the whirlpool.
And I'll tell you something,
it feels pretty good.
Yeah. You know what else
is in that locker room?
A bunch of naked dudes hanging brain.
Ted, you need a lady,
and I've got the next best thing. Mary.
She lives in my building.
She's smart. She's hot. She's totally cool.
Oh, she sounds great.
And, who knows, maybe we will wind up
getting married someday,
you know,
if we can get a blessing from her pimp.
You wanna judge a fellow human being
based solely on
one external characteristic?
That's racism.
And I do not drink with racists. Good day!
You're just waiting for me to speak,
so you can...
I said good day!
So should I wear my hair up or down?
So should I wear my hair up or down?
- Lily.
- What?
- You okay?
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
I'm just exhausted from work.
The stupid school board took away
naptime in all kindergarten classes,
and now the kids are just going crazy
by the end of the day.
And it's much harder to deal with
because, well, I don't get my nap.
Oh, wait, you were taking naps
when the kids were? Is that safe?
Oh, they're only five.
What are they gonna do to me?
- Ted's still coming to this thing, right?
- Yep.
Do you think, hypothetically,
it would be weird if I bring a date?
Look at you, Scherbatsky,
blatantly trying to make Ted jealous.
(STAMMERING) No, it's just this guy
at the station.
I never get involved with coworkers,
but he asked me and I said yes.
- Is it gonna be weird?
- No, it's not gonna be weird at all.
- Robin's bringing a date.
- That's gonna be really weird.
- I know.
- Okay.
- Robin's bringing a date.
- Oh. Okay, that's not weird.
She's bringing a date.
I'm glad she's moving on.
- Dude, it's gonna be weird.
- No, it's fine.
Look, in spite of whatever happened
between us, Robin and I are still friends.
I don't think it'll be weird.
- Yeah, it won't be weird.
- Thank you.
Because you're gonna bring
your own date.
- Hello, Barney.
- Hi, Mary.
Have you met Ted?
- Nice to meet you, Ted.
- Hi, Mary.
Wow! It's, uh, nice to meet you, too.
So, we're going to an award show?
Yep. Could you just excuse us
for one minute?
- Barney?
- See you in two shakes, Mar.
You two make yourselves comfortable.
What the hell?
Dude, your narrow-minded views
on professional fornicators
are harshing my mellow.
- So, I got you a date for the evening.
- You got me a hooker.
A really hot... A hooker!
Think about it. This is perfect.
A, it will make Robin insanely jealous.
B, you get to have sex with her.
And C, maybe by getting to know Mary,
you'll come to see
that courtesans are people, too.
And D, B all night long.
I'm not taking a prostitute
to Robin's banquet.
Dude, the only people who will know
are you, me and Marshall.
No one will suspect a thing.
They'll just see you with
this unbelievably smoking hot girl and...
Okay, yeah, that's a little bit suspicious.
Look, I'm just trying to expand
your horizons a little bit tonight.
But if you're not interested, fine,
I'm out 500 bucks. Whatever.
Five hundred bucks, you?
<i>Ted, you're my cabrón,
You think I'm gonna stick you with some
toothless tranny from the Port Authority?
Look at how hot she is.
Robin would be so jealous.
I'm not trying
to make Robin jealous, Barney.
Look, I... Tell Mary thanks, but no thanks.
I have a soul.
<i>OLDER TED; And then
your Uncle Marshall and I
<i>had one of our famous
<i>telepathic conversations,
<i>- Check out Robin's date,
- I know,
<i>- Is that who I think it is?
- Yep, It's Sandy Rivers,
<i>OLDER TED; Sandy Rivers
was the face ofMetro News 1,
<i>the most low-budget
cable news channel ever,
Sandy time. Sandy time!
<i>He was best known for his morning
segment in "Today's Paper,"
<i>during which he literally flipped through
today's paper reading it aloud to viewers,
<i>Here we have on the front page
a story about a,,,
<i>I guess a guy in a superhero costume
climbing the Empire State Building,
<i>Looks interesting,
<i>OLDER TED; These idiotic filler pieces
were a guilty pleasure of ours,
Oh, which Sandy do we want today?
Uh...
- French Sandy, porn-star Sandy...
- Yosemite Sandy, definitely.
Excellent choice.
(LAUGHING)
<i>SAND Y;,,, I raised these as a child,
I tell you it's not easy,
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I love this guy.
I hate this guy.
- Hey. Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Lily.
- I'm Mary. Nice to meet you.
Mary is a friend of Barney's.
Barney invited her.
Just met Mary ourselves.
Don't know too much about Mary.
Look, a beer.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You look nice.
- Oh, Ted, this is Sandy.
Hi, Sandy Rivers. Use my full name.
People get a kick out of it.
Hi, Sandy Rivers.
- So, are you two...
- Starting a bunch of office rumors?
Looks that way. Looks that way.
Oh, how rude of me.
Robin, Sandy... Rivers,
this is Mary, my date.
<i>ANNOUNCER; Ladies and gentlemen,
<i>welcome to the 45th annual
Local Area Media Awards,
<i>Please say hello
to our host for the evening,
<i>king of the Saturday afternoon
kung fu movie, Vampire Lou,
<i>Tonight we celebrate the very best
in broadcasting
<i>and the triumph of the human spirit,
Man, Vampire Lou just looks great.
I can't believe I'm on a date with a hooker.
Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily
go to the ladies' room together, man.
Secrets come out in there.
Oh, please, how's it gonna come out?
"Pass me a towel.
P.S. I have sex for money."
- Who had sex for money?
- Nobody.
What did you guys talk about in there,
anything interesting?
No, not really.
We just chitchatted,
and I borrowed her lipstick.
Yeah, why is Vampire Lou the host
of a Saturday afternoon kung fu movie?
You know? It just makes no sense.
God, that pisses me off.
Lily, you okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm just tired.
And when I get tired, I get cranky.
Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.
"Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky."
Wow. Why are you so tired?
Well, I teach kindergarten,
and the school board
took away my naptime...
The kids' naptime.
Lily, quit your job.
Work at a private school.
You won't have to deal
with the school board,
- and you'll make a ton more money.
- Well, guess what, Barney?
I don't base all my life decisions
on how much money I'm gonna make,
unlike you and sadly my fiancé.
Well, it's just an internship
for the record for everybody...
Yeah, because if I did sacrifice
all my values just for an easy buck,
- what would that make me?
- A prostitute.
Exactly. Thank you, Mary.
- So, Mary, what do you do for a living?
- She's a paralegal.
Yes, I'm a paralegal.
ROBIN: So, Mary the paralegal.
What does a paralegal do exactly?
I just assist with day-to-day clerical work
in a law firm, downtown.
- Oh, what firm?
- Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.
- That's a real law firm.
- I know.
Nice.
- Pretty good on your feet.
- Are you flirting with me?
- Is that allowed?
- Yes, it's encouraged.
(STAMMERING) You know,
I wouldn't normally say this on a first date,
but, well, considering,
I'm just gonna say it.
You are so hot.
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Mary, Ted is a great guy.
You hold on to him.
Don't let him out of your sight
for a minute.
So, Sandy, what do you do?
Oh, wait, I know what you do.
You're the guy
who reads the paper in the morning.
You got me. What do you do, Ted?
Oh, same thing as you.
I read the paper every morning.
But then after that, I finish my coffee
and I go to my real job as an architect,
where I make an actual contribution
to the world.
I'm just kidding. Love your show.
You're terrific.
Thanks. I never tire of hearing that.
<i>Hey, you know that scene in Empire
where they lower the helmet
onto Darth Vader's head?
Do you think that's how Sandy
puts his hair on in the morning?
You just insulted someone I hate
by referencing something I love.
Damn! You just got even hotter.
<i>OLDER TED; And so, as the night wore on,
I started to realize
<i>this girl, despite what she did for a living,
was kind of great,
- Hey.
- Hey.
Mary seems nice.
Have you kissed her yet or are you waiting
until you're in a serious relationship
with someone else?
Yeah. I've been meaning to apologize
for everything that happened.
And just like that it's all okay. Roll credits.
So you're gonna be mad at me forever?
What, we're not even friends now?
- We're still friends.
- We're... Are we?
You don't return my calls.
We never hang out.
And now you're trying to make me jealous
by waving Edward R. Moron in my face?
Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here
in her low-cut dress to make me jealous?
Oh, so now she's a whore?
- What?
- You know something?
Mary the paralegal is awesome.
And you know what else?
I didn't come here tonight
to make you jealous.
I came here to support you as a friend,
and frankly, I'm sick of trying.
I like that guy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What were you guys
talking about over there?
Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend
that I think you're awesome.
Well, thanks.
You know, this is one of the nicer hotels
I've ever been in.
Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel.
You should see the rooms,
the views are amazing.
Yeah? Maybe it's too bad
we don't have a room.
Room 1506, my treat. You kids go nuts.
Actually, don't use the minibar.
Do it. Come on, Ted, do it.
This is one of those things you have to do
before you turn 30.
- Sleep with a prostitute?
- No, lose your virginity. What up!
Statistic. Men who have had
at least one relationship with a prostitute
are 75% more likely
to have success in future relationships.
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.
Lawyered. Okay, three things.
First of all, Robin's category is almost up.
And second of all, you cannot do this.
It's wrong on every level.
And third, I've been placing small items
in Sandy's hair all night,
and he still hasn't noticed.
I know I can't do this. I'm not doing this.
It's just... It's a shame. She's really cool.
- Yeah, well... Here we go.
- All right.
<i>,,, Brampton for
"A Bicycle, Joy Ride or Deathtrap?"
<i>Mike Murphy
for "Thirteen, Pregnant and Addicted,"
<i>And Robin Scherbatsky
for "Pickles, the Singing Dog,"
<i>And the winner is Robin Scherbatsky,
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Thanks.
<i>Oh, wow, This is really a surprise,
<i>You know, it's nice to be able
to share this award with my friends,
<i>They're all here tonight,
<i>Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers,,,
<i>(ROBIN GIGGLES)
<i>Barney,
<i>And that's it, Those are all my friends,
Thank you,
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thanks.
- Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab?
- Sure. Let's go.
Yeah, this party is dead.
Mary, you wanna go upstairs?
We got a room.
<i>- Dude, what are you doing?
- What's it look like?
<i>It looks bad, is what it looks like,
You cannot do this,
<i>Marshall, she is a really cool girl
when you get to know her,
<i>- Besides, I'm trying to make Robin jealous,
- Oh, that's real mature,
<i>Marshall, what is up with you and Ted?
<i>Nothing, baby, Don't worry about it,
<i>Fine, Do what you want,
<i>Hey,
Should we go?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Well, good night.
Good night.
So, did you and Barney ever...
- There's not enough money in the world.
- Oh, thank God.
Yeah.
(SIGHS)
- Wow, so they're...
- Uh-huh.
- Robin, where's Sandy Rivers?
- I put him in a cab.
- So, wait, you and he aren't...
- I don't date people I work with.
I was just trying to make Ted jealous.
- Is he...
- He's off trying to make you jealous.
Oh, well, good for them.
And, you know, if Ted likes her,
she's probably pretty cool.
<i>Lily, I know you're asleep,
but I have to tell someone this,
<i>and we tell each other everything,
So here it goes,
<i>Mary's not a paralegal, She's a prostitute,
Mary's a prostitute?
- What?
- Barney paid for her.
Barney, is that true?
We were having a conversation
about prostitution.
And then Barney calls her up,
and then she shows up at the bar,
and now she and Ted are upstairs.
Okay, seriously,
what is going on with Ted, lately?
Is he having a nervous breakdown?
You know, Barney,
for anyone else this would be a new low,
but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle.
Oh, my God, I used her lipstick. Oh!
That's her napkin.
(EX CLAIMING)
Okay, well, I guess now
is as good a time as any.
In keeping with tonight's
award show motif,
I'd like to announce
this evening's big twist ending.
(EX CLAIMS)
Vampire Lou, would you do the honors?
"Mary is not really a prostitute."
- What?
- That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done.
- So she's not...
- No.
Mary is just a paralegal
who lives in my building.
Oh! And here's the best part.
She has no idea
that Ted thinks she's a hooker.
(BARNEY LAUGHING)
Oh, come on.
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Feel kind of like Richard Gere.
- Not shy about your looks, are you?
- No.
You know, Mary,
I've never done this before.
- Done what?
- You know, been on a date.
Right.
- Wait, you're kidding, right?
- No.
Why, is that so odd?
Well, Ted, I mean,
I've been going on dates since I was 15.
God, you were just a kid.
Well, look, let's just have a few drinks.
We'll relax...
Yeah, that sounds great.
I had clients riding me all day long.
- Must be tough.
- Yeah.
I mean, this one guy
just wouldn't leave me alone.
I mean, talk about anal.
Here we are.
Okay, look. Mary, I like you a lot.
(STAMMERING) I'm sort of amazed
at how much I like you.
But I can't do this, you're a hooker.
What?
Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned,
but I'm sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me.
I'm not gonna have sex with a prostitute.
Ted, I'm a paralegal.
Come on, Mary,
there's no one else around.
You're a hooker.
No, Ted. I'm a paralegal.
No, you're a hooker.
No, I'm a paralegal.
You're a paralegal.
(LAUGHING)
- That was not funny.
- Not funny, dude.
I know. It was hilarious.
- Why would you do that?
- I did it to prove a point.
(SCOFFS) What point?
Stay with me, it's gonna come to me.
Okay, here's the point.
You thought that Mary
was a sure thing, right?
So what happened? She took you up
to a hotel room on the first date.
All you have to do is be that confident
with every girl you meet
and your slump's over.
So the message is,
I should treat every woman like a whore?
Come on, dude.
You should be thanking me.
She slapped me and stormed off.
Can you blame her?
You called her a hooker.
I'm sorry, dude. It was funny.
Yeah. Well, it's getting late.
- I should get back to my room.
- Your room?
Yeah, that really expensive hotel room
you put on your credit card,
never checked out.
By the way, you know what's super fun?
Pouring Dom Perignon
down a bathtub drain.
Well, it's almost 3:00.
Got a massage. Toodles!
Come on.
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.
How I Met Your Mother - S01E18 - Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M.
<i>TED; Previously on How I Met Your Mother.
<i>TED; She was completely amazing,
<i>She was amazing and funny and,,,
- You have feelings for Ted?
- Maybe.
I've just been offered a fellowship
at a culinary institute in Germany.
- Do you wanna try long distance?
- Yes!
"This long distance thing sucks, huh?
"And I really need to talk to you tonight."
- She's gonna dump me!
- She's not gonna break up with you, Ted.
Hello?
Do you want to come over?
<i>OLDER TED; Kids, your grandma
always used to say to me,
<i>"Nothing good happens after 2,{{{{{00 a, m,"
<i>She was right,
When 2,{{{{{00 a, m, rolls around,
<i>just go home and go to sleep,
<i>Case in point,,,
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hello?
- Hi, Ted, it's Robin.
Listen, I know it's late,
but do you want to come over?
<i>OLDER TED; Let's back up a little bit,
Sit.
Good boys. Okay.
Remember, stay out of the liquor cabinet.
See you tonight.
So, the life of a television reporter
is very rewarding,
and I strongly urge you
to consider it as a career.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Do you have a fiancé?
Marshall was here yesterday.
They just learned the word "fiancé."
No, I don't have a fiancé.
Then who do you live with?
Well, actually, I've got five dogs.
Don't you get Ionely?
No, I've got five dogs.
My Grandma has five cats
and she gets Ionely.
Well, yeah, that's cats.
I'm not some pathetic cat lady.
Not that your grandmother is...
Does anyone else have a...
- Yes.
- Are you a lesbian?
No, are you? Just because a woman
lives alone doesn't mean she's a...
Okay. Let's have a big hand
for Robin the reporter!
All right, our next guest is another friend...
So, Robin, you ever report on train wrecks
'cause I just saw one. What up. Tiny five.
Laugh now. Those kids are monsters.
They're gonna eat you alive.
He has a job doing...
- What do you do?
- Please.
Kids, let's rap.
You guys don't give half a brown Crayola
what I do for a living, do you?
- KIDS: No.
- No, no. I know what you want.
- Magic.
- Yeah!
- Hello?
- Why hasn't she called yet?
Okay, you're making yourself crazy.
It's Saturday night.
Go out and do something.
No, what's the point of going out?
I got a girlfriend. For now.
Besides, if I go out,
who's gonna watch the news?
I'm like half your viewership.
I'm flattered
you think we have two viewers.
MAN: And, we're clear.
So, Scherbatsky. Got a boyfriend?
No, and why does this
keep coming up today?
I just thought that guy you
were on the phone with...
What? Oh, no. That was Ted.
He's just a friend.
I mean, there was this moment
where we almost dated,
but we want completely different things.
Anyway, now he has his girlfriend
in Germany
and he thinks she's calling
to dump him tonight,
but I don't think she is.
And, besides,
we want completely different things.
- We should have sex.
- What?
Why not?
We're both available. We're both
attractive. We're both good at it.
At least, I'm good at it.
And even if you're not, don't worry.
I'll have a good time either way.
Well, moving past the horrifying image
of your hair helmet
clanging against the headboard,
I don't get involved
with people I work with.
Get involved? Who said get involved?
I'm just saying we should have sex.
- MAN: We're on in five, four...
- It'd be fun.
Having sex is fun.
Home number. Call me anytime.
A lot of local teams in action tonight.
Hey, guys.
Miss me?
I missed you, too.
Hi, Ted, it's Robin.
Listen, I know it's late,
but do you want to come over?
- Ted?
- Yeah. Hi, I'm here.
- Do you want to come over?
- Why? What's up?
Well, I just finally set up my new juicer,
and I was gonna make some juice.
And I was like,
"You know who likes juice? Ted."
I love juice.
Great, so you want to come over
and make juice?
<i>When it's after 2,{{{{{00 a, m, just go to sleep,
<i>Because the decisions you make after
2,{{{{{00 a, m, are the wrong decisions,
Okay, sure, I'll come over, we'll
- juice.
- Yes, we'll juice.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye.
Bye.
This is fine. This is totally fine.
What's fine?
Oh, I'm going over to this girl's house
to make some juice.
Nice.
No, it's not like that.
We're juicing as friends.
See, I have this girlfriend.
I would never cheat on her.
She lives in Germany.
See, she was supposed to call me
four hours ago to have a serious talk.
I still haven't heard from her. I don't know.
Sorry to bug you with my problems.
Guess cab drivers
are the new bartenders, huh?
You ain't kidding, kid.
Want a nip?
You could just let me out right up here.
- Where are you going to buddy?
- Park Slope, Eighth and Eighth.
Okay, here's where I left off
with the last guy.
See, I have a girlfriend, but I'm going over
to this other girl's house...
And you're wondering if I'd be upset.
Hi, Ted. Remember me? Your girlfriend.
Okay, relax. Robin's just a friend.
Right. You're gonna go make some juice.
Yes, yes. Juice is perfectly harmless.
In fact, it's healthy.
Oh, yeah? Then why are you wondering
what she looks like naked?
I am not...
Okay, even if I am wondering that,
it's only 'cause you put it in my head.
But I am just a manifestation
of your subconscious,
so actually, you put it in your own head.
Damn it!
Nothing's gonna happen.
- Right.
- Okay, okay. You want a second opinion?
Fine.
(DANCE-MUSIC RINGTONE PLAYING)
Hey. Did she call?
No. I need a ruling.
I'm... Yeah, this is stupid.
It's not even a big deal,
but I'm on my way over to Robin's
right now.
She got a new juicer. Whatever.
We're gonna test it out.
Let me call you back.
Honey, there's a situation developing.
Do you remember the huge secret
that you told me
that you weren't supposed to, but you did?
The thing about Robin?
You mean, how Robin's in love with Ted?
You mean, how Robin's in love with Ted?
- What?
- What?
Yeah. She told me already. Go on.
Wait. So I'm the only one
that she didn't tell?
She told you and not me?
Well, I guess I'm just better friends
with her than you are.
Well, I'm better friends with Ted
than you are.
- That is a lie.
- It is not a lie.
- Okay, that's it. You and me.
- You think you can take me? Come on!
I'm not afraid of you!
You're embarrassing your...
I'll show you things
you've never seen before!
(BOTH SHOUTING)
Come on. Pick up.
Damn it, Victoria. Where are you?
Pick up! Pick up!
- Cupcake?
- No, thanks.
Where are you? Why haven't you called?
I'm out hooking up.
With three other guys.
Or maybe I'm a devoted girlfriend
and I'm calling you right now.
Yeah, why do I doubt that?
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hello?
- Ted. I just saw the news,
and a truck carrying sulfuric acid
overturned right in front of Robin's house.
<i>And it's melting through the sidewalk,
You can see straight down into Hell.
It's bad. You should go home, dude.
Marshall, it's fine.
Nothing's gonna happen.
- Ted, what does your Mom always say?
- Nothing good ever...
Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m.
Go home! It's too late for juice.
Dude, Robin and I are just friends.
She doesn't even like me that way.
Yes, she does! She likes you. She told me.
- What?
- It's a big secret.
So don't tell her I told you,
but she's very vulnerable right now.
And you have a girlfriend. Go home, Ted.
<i>- She likes me?
- Yes,
<i>So you see why it would be
a very bad idea for you to go up there,
<i>Go home, Ted,
She likes me?
Go home, Ted.
You're right, I'll see you at home.
Good. He's going home.
He is so not going home.
I cannot believe you just told him that.
- What do you mean?
- Lily, here's what you just said,
"Ted, whatever you do,
"don't go up there. There's a beautiful girl
who wants to have sex with you."
And then she's gonna
make you some delicious juice!
No. He's not going up there.
He has more sense than that.
<i>OLDER TED; I did
have more sense than that,
- Keep the change. Thanks.
- Thanks.
<i>But after 2,{{{{{00 a, m,,
my good sense was sound asleep,
So, you're doing this?
You're going up there?
You want to get out of the way?
I'm not in the way.
You know, if you had just called me, I...
(EXHALES)
- Hi!
- Hey.
I got some vegetables. I got carrots.
I got beets.
Or we could just drink wine.
Wine not. Wow, that's the stupidest thing
I ever said.
Thanks.
Make it a big glass.
Sure.
So, how's it hanging? "How's it hanging?"
Haven't you ever had one of those days
where nothing at all
that monumental happens,
but, by the end of it, you have no idea
who you are anymore,
or what the hell you're doing
with your life?
Do you ever have one of those days?
About once a week.
I don't know. It was just a rough day,
and the only person I wanted to see
at the end of it was you.
So, how was the big phone call
with your girlfriend?
<i>OLDER TED; When the clock strikes two,
just go to sleep,
We broke up.
What?
Yeah. Yeah. She finally called.
We talked for a while.
How hard long distance is,
and then she dumped me.
Ted, I'm so sorry.
That's just terrible.
I feel awful.
You're smiling.
Am I? No, I'm not.
Well, I'm a news anchor.
Smiling is a part of the job.
Thousands died
in a tragic avalanche today.
See?
You're smiling, too.
Yeah.
I have no idea what that's all about.
(SINGING)
How much does Korean Elvis rock?
I'll answer that. Infinity.
He rocks infinity.
Okay, it's time for bed.
What? No. It's 2:30.
And nothing good ever happens
after 2:00 a.m.
You know, I have found in my travels
that all the best things in life
happen after 2:00 a.m.
When I look back
at the best stories of my life,
the Liberty Bell incident, the little scrape
I got in at the Russian embassy,
- the almost four-way.
- You never had a four-way.
- I said "almost"!
- Well, all right.
All those things happened after 2:00 a.m.
Because after 2:00 a.m. Is when things get,
audience, say it with me, legendary!
- We gotta go.
- What's that? "Interesting theory, Barney,
"but I'll need some proof." Okay.
Korean Elvis. How would you like
to have a drink with me and my friends?
Rock 'n' roll.
And it begins.
So, hey. I got a new phone.
Same as yours. Look.
Oh, yeah, do you like it?
Yeah. Yeah.
This is some solid small talk.
I had that other phone, and it was good,
but I think, the whole time,
a little part of me
wanted this phone instead.
This phone
feels right.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, wow. Weird.
Yeah, I should probably take this.
I'll be here.
- Hello?
- Ted. This is your main man K.E.
I want you to shake your tail feather
down here ASAP. You dig?
Okay. Sorry about that.
Who... Was that Korean Elvis?
I'll explain later.
Hey, we're heading down to MacLaren's.
Actually, I'm at Robin's.
Yeah, and I might have done
something bad.
I just lied and told her I broke up
with Victoria.
Ted, I don't want to swear
in front of Korean Elvis,
but what the bleep are you doing, dude?
What do you expect from me? It's Robin!
Victoria's great, but it's Robin!
I've made up my mind,
I'm gonna end it with Victoria.
- Gonna?
- Yes. First thing tomorrow.
Okay, but as of right now,
at 2:45 a.m. You still have a girlfriend.
Ted, I love you. I love Robin.
But if you do this right now,
your entire future with her
will be built on a crime!
<i>Just go home, Ted,
Don't do this the wrong way!
I hate how you're always right.
It's my best and most annoying trait.
Okay.
I'm coming home. I'll see you soon.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I should probably get going.
It's pretty late.
- I'm sorry. I...
- Oh, no. I understand. It's fine. Yeah.
- Can I call you tomorrow?
- Totally.
- Totally. Call me tomorrow.
- Okay.
- Good night, Robin.
- Good night, Ted.
Oh, my God! We're making out.
- Right!
- This is crazy.
Right! Right!
Should we go to my room?
I mean, there's five dogs in there, but...
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
I just, I have to run to the bathroom.
Real quick.
Okay.
(EX CLAIMS)
Stop doing that!
What are you doing?
I'm calling you.
We're breaking up.
I'm doing this right now.
I'm coming out of this bathroom
a single man.
Okay.
Say, Ted, how long do you think
that conversation's gonna be?
Length of an average pee? No.
We're gonna be on the phone
for at least 20 minutes.
Robin's out there. She's gonna think
you're in here taking a massive...
What do you want from me?
People break up. It happens.
Not like this.
Not from the bathroom of the girl
that you're about to sleep with.
It's not ideal.
<i>OLDER TED; Meanwhile, back at the bar,
<i>Barney was still trying to prove that
good things can happen after 2,{{{{{00 a, m,
Come on, Lily!
How many women can say they've been
personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?
Barney, you tried. I think that's great.
But we're going.
- No. No, come on!
- Yes!
Dude. We haven't hit legendary yet.
We're only at the "le."
We still got the "gen," the "da," the "ry."
Okay, if we're at the "le,"
then I say we follow it up
with a "t's go home."
Oh, wow! You just got burned.
Phonics style!
No, no, no, no. Baby, baby, baby, don't go.
- Just one dance, huh?
- Okay, seriously.
Hey, I know what you like.
<i>OLDER TED; And so, Barney was right,
<i>The night was legendary,
<i>It would come to be known as the time
Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards,
Hey, you guys remember that time
that Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards?
You're right.
You're right.
I owe you a real breakup call.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Good. So, you're gonna go home?
Why should I have to go home?
You know, there's every chance
Robin's the woman I'm gonna marry.
- Ted.
- It could happen!
And so, really, what's it gonna matter
in 50 years if I jump the gun by one night?
Look, I know this is a moral gray area, but
it's Robin.
And I'm exhausted.
I am. I'm exhausted from pretending
I'm not in love with her.
I think that makes this okay.
Oh, please. You just want to get laid!
Yes, I do. You got me.
That is exactly what I want right now.
And so what?
I want this. She wants this.
It's happening. And if you have a problem
with it, don't be in Germany!
It's been nice pretending to talk to you.
Thanks for not calling me and good night.
That's not your phone.
This isn't my phone.
Okay. Bye.
I thought it was mine, so I answered it.
- Was it...
- It was your girlfriend.
You might want to call her back.
<i>OLDER TED; I called Victoria from the cab,
and we broke up,
Yes, I'm...
<i>And there you have it, kids,
<i>The stupidest thing I've ever done,
<i>In one night, I managed to hurt
two people I cared about,
<i>And none of it would've happened
if I had just listened to my mom,
<i>So, I guess if there's a lesson
to be learned here, it's this,
<i>when it's after 2,{{{{{00 a, m,,
<i>just go to sleep,
<i>TED; She was completely amazing,
<i>She was amazing and funny and,,,
- You have feelings for Ted?
- Maybe.
I've just been offered a fellowship
at a culinary institute in Germany.
- Do you wanna try long distance?
- Yes!
"This long distance thing sucks, huh?
"And I really need to talk to you tonight."
- She's gonna dump me!
- She's not gonna break up with you, Ted.
Hello?
Do you want to come over?
<i>OLDER TED; Kids, your grandma
always used to say to me,
<i>"Nothing good happens after 2,{{{{{00 a, m,"
<i>She was right,
When 2,{{{{{00 a, m, rolls around,
<i>just go home and go to sleep,
<i>Case in point,,,
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hello?
- Hi, Ted, it's Robin.
Listen, I know it's late,
but do you want to come over?
<i>OLDER TED; Let's back up a little bit,
Sit.
Good boys. Okay.
Remember, stay out of the liquor cabinet.
See you tonight.
So, the life of a television reporter
is very rewarding,
and I strongly urge you
to consider it as a career.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Do you have a fiancé?
Marshall was here yesterday.
They just learned the word "fiancé."
No, I don't have a fiancé.
Then who do you live with?
Well, actually, I've got five dogs.
Don't you get Ionely?
No, I've got five dogs.
My Grandma has five cats
and she gets Ionely.
Well, yeah, that's cats.
I'm not some pathetic cat lady.
Not that your grandmother is...
Does anyone else have a...
- Yes.
- Are you a lesbian?
No, are you? Just because a woman
lives alone doesn't mean she's a...
Okay. Let's have a big hand
for Robin the reporter!
All right, our next guest is another friend...
So, Robin, you ever report on train wrecks
'cause I just saw one. What up. Tiny five.
Laugh now. Those kids are monsters.
They're gonna eat you alive.
He has a job doing...
- What do you do?
- Please.
Kids, let's rap.
You guys don't give half a brown Crayola
what I do for a living, do you?
- KIDS: No.
- No, no. I know what you want.
- Magic.
- Yeah!
- Hello?
- Why hasn't she called yet?
Okay, you're making yourself crazy.
It's Saturday night.
Go out and do something.
No, what's the point of going out?
I got a girlfriend. For now.
Besides, if I go out,
who's gonna watch the news?
I'm like half your viewership.
I'm flattered
you think we have two viewers.
MAN: And, we're clear.
So, Scherbatsky. Got a boyfriend?
No, and why does this
keep coming up today?
I just thought that guy you
were on the phone with...
What? Oh, no. That was Ted.
He's just a friend.
I mean, there was this moment
where we almost dated,
but we want completely different things.
Anyway, now he has his girlfriend
in Germany
and he thinks she's calling
to dump him tonight,
but I don't think she is.
And, besides,
we want completely different things.
- We should have sex.
- What?
Why not?
We're both available. We're both
attractive. We're both good at it.
At least, I'm good at it.
And even if you're not, don't worry.
I'll have a good time either way.
Well, moving past the horrifying image
of your hair helmet
clanging against the headboard,
I don't get involved
with people I work with.
Get involved? Who said get involved?
I'm just saying we should have sex.
- MAN: We're on in five, four...
- It'd be fun.
Having sex is fun.
Home number. Call me anytime.
A lot of local teams in action tonight.
Hey, guys.
Miss me?
I missed you, too.
Hi, Ted, it's Robin.
Listen, I know it's late,
but do you want to come over?
- Ted?
- Yeah. Hi, I'm here.
- Do you want to come over?
- Why? What's up?
Well, I just finally set up my new juicer,
and I was gonna make some juice.
And I was like,
"You know who likes juice? Ted."
I love juice.
Great, so you want to come over
and make juice?
<i>When it's after 2,{{{{{00 a, m, just go to sleep,
<i>Because the decisions you make after
2,{{{{{00 a, m, are the wrong decisions,
Okay, sure, I'll come over, we'll
- juice.
- Yes, we'll juice.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye.
Bye.
This is fine. This is totally fine.
What's fine?
Oh, I'm going over to this girl's house
to make some juice.
Nice.
No, it's not like that.
We're juicing as friends.
See, I have this girlfriend.
I would never cheat on her.
She lives in Germany.
See, she was supposed to call me
four hours ago to have a serious talk.
I still haven't heard from her. I don't know.
Sorry to bug you with my problems.
Guess cab drivers
are the new bartenders, huh?
You ain't kidding, kid.
Want a nip?
You could just let me out right up here.
- Where are you going to buddy?
- Park Slope, Eighth and Eighth.
Okay, here's where I left off
with the last guy.
See, I have a girlfriend, but I'm going over
to this other girl's house...
And you're wondering if I'd be upset.
Hi, Ted. Remember me? Your girlfriend.
Okay, relax. Robin's just a friend.
Right. You're gonna go make some juice.
Yes, yes. Juice is perfectly harmless.
In fact, it's healthy.
Oh, yeah? Then why are you wondering
what she looks like naked?
I am not...
Okay, even if I am wondering that,
it's only 'cause you put it in my head.
But I am just a manifestation
of your subconscious,
so actually, you put it in your own head.
Damn it!
Nothing's gonna happen.
- Right.
- Okay, okay. You want a second opinion?
Fine.
(DANCE-MUSIC RINGTONE PLAYING)
Hey. Did she call?
No. I need a ruling.
I'm... Yeah, this is stupid.
It's not even a big deal,
but I'm on my way over to Robin's
right now.
She got a new juicer. Whatever.
We're gonna test it out.
Let me call you back.
Honey, there's a situation developing.
Do you remember the huge secret
that you told me
that you weren't supposed to, but you did?
The thing about Robin?
You mean, how Robin's in love with Ted?
You mean, how Robin's in love with Ted?
- What?
- What?
Yeah. She told me already. Go on.
Wait. So I'm the only one
that she didn't tell?
She told you and not me?
Well, I guess I'm just better friends
with her than you are.
Well, I'm better friends with Ted
than you are.
- That is a lie.
- It is not a lie.
- Okay, that's it. You and me.
- You think you can take me? Come on!
I'm not afraid of you!
You're embarrassing your...
I'll show you things
you've never seen before!
(BOTH SHOUTING)
Come on. Pick up.
Damn it, Victoria. Where are you?
Pick up! Pick up!
- Cupcake?
- No, thanks.
Where are you? Why haven't you called?
I'm out hooking up.
With three other guys.
Or maybe I'm a devoted girlfriend
and I'm calling you right now.
Yeah, why do I doubt that?
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hello?
- Ted. I just saw the news,
and a truck carrying sulfuric acid
overturned right in front of Robin's house.
<i>And it's melting through the sidewalk,
You can see straight down into Hell.
It's bad. You should go home, dude.
Marshall, it's fine.
Nothing's gonna happen.
- Ted, what does your Mom always say?
- Nothing good ever...
Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m.
Go home! It's too late for juice.
Dude, Robin and I are just friends.
She doesn't even like me that way.
Yes, she does! She likes you. She told me.
- What?
- It's a big secret.
So don't tell her I told you,
but she's very vulnerable right now.
And you have a girlfriend. Go home, Ted.
<i>- She likes me?
- Yes,
<i>So you see why it would be
a very bad idea for you to go up there,
<i>Go home, Ted,
She likes me?
Go home, Ted.
You're right, I'll see you at home.
Good. He's going home.
He is so not going home.
I cannot believe you just told him that.
- What do you mean?
- Lily, here's what you just said,
"Ted, whatever you do,
"don't go up there. There's a beautiful girl
who wants to have sex with you."
And then she's gonna
make you some delicious juice!
No. He's not going up there.
He has more sense than that.
<i>OLDER TED; I did
have more sense than that,
- Keep the change. Thanks.
- Thanks.
<i>But after 2,{{{{{00 a, m,,
my good sense was sound asleep,
So, you're doing this?
You're going up there?
You want to get out of the way?
I'm not in the way.
You know, if you had just called me, I...
(EXHALES)
- Hi!
- Hey.
I got some vegetables. I got carrots.
I got beets.
Or we could just drink wine.
Wine not. Wow, that's the stupidest thing
I ever said.
Thanks.
Make it a big glass.
Sure.
So, how's it hanging? "How's it hanging?"
Haven't you ever had one of those days
where nothing at all
that monumental happens,
but, by the end of it, you have no idea
who you are anymore,
or what the hell you're doing
with your life?
Do you ever have one of those days?
About once a week.
I don't know. It was just a rough day,
and the only person I wanted to see
at the end of it was you.
So, how was the big phone call
with your girlfriend?
<i>OLDER TED; When the clock strikes two,
just go to sleep,
We broke up.
What?
Yeah. Yeah. She finally called.
We talked for a while.
How hard long distance is,
and then she dumped me.
Ted, I'm so sorry.
That's just terrible.
I feel awful.
You're smiling.
Am I? No, I'm not.
Well, I'm a news anchor.
Smiling is a part of the job.
Thousands died
in a tragic avalanche today.
See?
You're smiling, too.
Yeah.
I have no idea what that's all about.
(SINGING)
How much does Korean Elvis rock?
I'll answer that. Infinity.
He rocks infinity.
Okay, it's time for bed.
What? No. It's 2:30.
And nothing good ever happens
after 2:00 a.m.
You know, I have found in my travels
that all the best things in life
happen after 2:00 a.m.
When I look back
at the best stories of my life,
the Liberty Bell incident, the little scrape
I got in at the Russian embassy,
- the almost four-way.
- You never had a four-way.
- I said "almost"!
- Well, all right.
All those things happened after 2:00 a.m.
Because after 2:00 a.m. Is when things get,
audience, say it with me, legendary!
- We gotta go.
- What's that? "Interesting theory, Barney,
"but I'll need some proof." Okay.
Korean Elvis. How would you like
to have a drink with me and my friends?
Rock 'n' roll.
And it begins.
So, hey. I got a new phone.
Same as yours. Look.
Oh, yeah, do you like it?
Yeah. Yeah.
This is some solid small talk.
I had that other phone, and it was good,
but I think, the whole time,
a little part of me
wanted this phone instead.
This phone
feels right.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, wow. Weird.
Yeah, I should probably take this.
I'll be here.
- Hello?
- Ted. This is your main man K.E.
I want you to shake your tail feather
down here ASAP. You dig?
Okay. Sorry about that.
Who... Was that Korean Elvis?
I'll explain later.
Hey, we're heading down to MacLaren's.
Actually, I'm at Robin's.
Yeah, and I might have done
something bad.
I just lied and told her I broke up
with Victoria.
Ted, I don't want to swear
in front of Korean Elvis,
but what the bleep are you doing, dude?
What do you expect from me? It's Robin!
Victoria's great, but it's Robin!
I've made up my mind,
I'm gonna end it with Victoria.
- Gonna?
- Yes. First thing tomorrow.
Okay, but as of right now,
at 2:45 a.m. You still have a girlfriend.
Ted, I love you. I love Robin.
But if you do this right now,
your entire future with her
will be built on a crime!
<i>Just go home, Ted,
Don't do this the wrong way!
I hate how you're always right.
It's my best and most annoying trait.
Okay.
I'm coming home. I'll see you soon.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I should probably get going.
It's pretty late.
- I'm sorry. I...
- Oh, no. I understand. It's fine. Yeah.
- Can I call you tomorrow?
- Totally.
- Totally. Call me tomorrow.
- Okay.
- Good night, Robin.
- Good night, Ted.
Oh, my God! We're making out.
- Right!
- This is crazy.
Right! Right!
Should we go to my room?
I mean, there's five dogs in there, but...
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
I just, I have to run to the bathroom.
Real quick.
Okay.
(EX CLAIMS)
Stop doing that!
What are you doing?
I'm calling you.
We're breaking up.
I'm doing this right now.
I'm coming out of this bathroom
a single man.
Okay.
Say, Ted, how long do you think
that conversation's gonna be?
Length of an average pee? No.
We're gonna be on the phone
for at least 20 minutes.
Robin's out there. She's gonna think
you're in here taking a massive...
What do you want from me?
People break up. It happens.
Not like this.
Not from the bathroom of the girl
that you're about to sleep with.
It's not ideal.
<i>OLDER TED; Meanwhile, back at the bar,
<i>Barney was still trying to prove that
good things can happen after 2,{{{{{00 a, m,
Come on, Lily!
How many women can say they've been
personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?
Barney, you tried. I think that's great.
But we're going.
- No. No, come on!
- Yes!
Dude. We haven't hit legendary yet.
We're only at the "le."
We still got the "gen," the "da," the "ry."
Okay, if we're at the "le,"
then I say we follow it up
with a "t's go home."
Oh, wow! You just got burned.
Phonics style!
No, no, no, no. Baby, baby, baby, don't go.
- Just one dance, huh?
- Okay, seriously.
Hey, I know what you like.
<i>OLDER TED; And so, Barney was right,
<i>The night was legendary,
<i>It would come to be known as the time
Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards,
Hey, you guys remember that time
that Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards?
You're right.
You're right.
I owe you a real breakup call.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Good. So, you're gonna go home?
Why should I have to go home?
You know, there's every chance
Robin's the woman I'm gonna marry.
- Ted.
- It could happen!
And so, really, what's it gonna matter
in 50 years if I jump the gun by one night?
Look, I know this is a moral gray area, but
it's Robin.
And I'm exhausted.
I am. I'm exhausted from pretending
I'm not in love with her.
I think that makes this okay.
Oh, please. You just want to get laid!
Yes, I do. You got me.
That is exactly what I want right now.
And so what?
I want this. She wants this.
It's happening. And if you have a problem
with it, don't be in Germany!
It's been nice pretending to talk to you.
Thanks for not calling me and good night.
That's not your phone.
This isn't my phone.
Okay. Bye.
I thought it was mine, so I answered it.
- Was it...
- It was your girlfriend.
You might want to call her back.
<i>OLDER TED; I called Victoria from the cab,
and we broke up,
Yes, I'm...
<i>And there you have it, kids,
<i>The stupidest thing I've ever done,
<i>In one night, I managed to hurt
two people I cared about,
<i>And none of it would've happened
if I had just listened to my mom,
<i>So, I guess if there's a lesson
to be learned here, it's this,
<i>when it's after 2,{{{{{00 a, m,,
<i>just go to sleep,
How I Met Your Mother - S01E17 - Life Among the Gorillas
When your Uncle Marshall
was 10 years old,
<i>he read a book called
Life Among The Gorillas.
<i>It was written by an anthropologist
named Dr, Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez,
<i>and it told the story of the year she spent
<i>living among the western lowland gorillas
of Cameroon,
<i>When Dr, Birnholz-Vazquez
<i>came to the local community college
to give a lecture,
<i>Marshall, the youngest member
of the audience,
<i>raised his hand with a question,
What advice do you have
for a budding anthropologist?
So, you want to be an anthropologist?
Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live
with the gorillas just like you did.
<i>OLDER TED; What she said next
changed his life,
Oh, that's wonderful,
but I'm afraid you can't.
They'll all be dead by then.
And if economic sanctions
and trade restrictions aren't enforced,
the destruction of the rainforests
will continue,
and over a million species
will be wiped out.
So you don't want coffee?
I'm saying that the coffee industry
is causing irreversible...
- All right, I'm pouring it out.
- Okay, one cup.
Kid needs to be alert.
First day on the job and everything.
Still can't believe you're going
all corporate on us.
The Kid has become the man.
Okay, it's just an internship
to make a little money.
After law school,
I'm still gonna work for the NRDC.
They're gonna stop global warming.
<i>OLDER TED; Well, I mean,
they did their best,
Here's your sack lunch.
(CHUCKLING)
Okay. I love you because, one,
you made me a sack lunch,
and, two, you laugh
every time you say the word "sack."
(CHUCKLES)
- I love you, Marshmallow.
- I love you.
TED: I love you, too, Marshmallow.
Uh-oh.
- Ted?
- Oh, no!
- No, she didn't.
- Yeah. Yeah, she did.
Another care package?
<i>OLDER TED; Another care package,
<i>I'd been in a long-distance relationship
with Victoria for nearly a month,
<i>Long-distance relationships are a bad idea,
- How many is that so far?
- Three.
And how many have you sent her?
In the mail or in my mind? Zero.
She's up three-zip.
Oh! Cupcakes. Great.
I bet they're delicious, too.
Yeah. They're delicious.
Damn it!
I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes.
God, I hate myself right now.
God, that is so me at 15.
<i>OLDER TED; Marshall was going to work
for a big corporation called Altrucel,
<i>Altrucel was most well-known
for making the yellow fuzzy stuff
<i>on the surface of tennis balls,
<i>I mean, this was a huge company,
so they did other things,
<i>But mostly, they wanted the public
to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff,
<i>Anyway, Marshall managed to score
an internship in their legal department
<i>because he knew someone
who worked there,
<i>(PHONE RINGING)
Go for Barney.
<i>Mr, Stinson,
this is Willis from lobby security,
<i>Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports
of a Sasquatch loose in the building,
<i>- A Sasquatch?
- That's right, sir, A Bigfoot,
<i>We don't want to alarm you,
but he's been spotted on your floor,
(BARNEY LAUGHING)
Yes! Look at you.
You're suited in an unmistakably
upward direction.
Whoa! That is a butt-Ioad
of motivational posters.
Yeah. Hell, yeah. I got them all.
"Teamwork, courage, awesomeness."
- There's one for awesomeness?
- Yeah. I had it made.
- Sit.
- Hey, so, now that I'm working here,
are you finally gonna tell me
exactly what your job is?
(LAUGHING) Please.
- My dawg!
- My dawg!
Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall.
These guys are in legal.
You're gonna be working with them.
Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you.
- Nice tie. Steak sauce.
- Oh, steak sauce. For true, though.
- Where? I don't see any...
- Marshall, sidebar.
Your tie is steak sauce. It means A-1.
A-1? Get it? Try to keep up.
Okay, Eriksen. Let's get to work.
It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside.
Ding-dong. What? The doorbell?
Oh, hello, Jessica Alba,
in a trench coat and nothing else.
But wait. Knock, knock.
Somebody's at the back door?
- I don't have a back door, so...
- Oh, my gosh.
Jessica Simpson? What a surprise.
Two Jessicas. You gotta pick one.
What do you do? Go.
Right, well, I'm engaged, so...
Fiancée's out of town.
What do you do? Go!
We're still engaged, even if she's out...
Okay, fiancée's dead. Hit by a bus.
What do you do? Go.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Sure you don't want one?
- How many of those have you eaten?
Fourteen.
No. Just four.
- And the icing from two more.
- Mmm.
So, anyway. Here's the problem.
Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep.
Anyway, I got the care package
and it's just great.
Here, listen.
(MOANING IN SATISFACTION)
So, I'm standing there,
my mouth full of this delicious,
relationship-winning cupcake,
and I said something dumb.
Oh, and don't worry. Yours is in the mail.
I sent it a couple days ago.
And it's awesome. Really, really awesome.
Why did I say that?
I think frosting makes me lie.
Oh, Teddy boy.
Yeah. So now, whatever I send her,
she'll know I sent it after I talked to her.
So, that's the problem. You work on that.
I'm gonna eat this cupcake.
All right, here's what you do.
Put together a care package of stuff
from New York.
Some H&H Bagels,
an Empire State Building key chain,
<i>and then, top off the package
with a New York Times, ready?
From three days ago.
- That's brilliant.
- Mmm.
You're brilliant.
You know, it's funny, not so long ago,
I was coming to Marshall and Lily
for advice on how to impress you.
That is funny.
<i>OLDER TED; And here's why it was funny,
<i>Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier,
<i>here's what Robin was saying to Lily
about me,
Okay, fine! I have feelings for him.
Now, it's ironic the girl I used to like
is helping me impress the girl I now like.
The irony is clear, Ted.
- Hey! How was your first day?
- I don't want to talk about it.
The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks.
- What?
- They're jerks.
- Well, what makes them jerks?
- Forget it. I don't want to talk about it.
Well, like today at lunch.
What you got there, Eriksen?
Mommy pack your lunch?
(LAUGHING)
For your information, my fiancée did.
Oh! Does she cut the crusts
off your sandwich, too?
(BILSON LAUGHING)
No.
- What's that?
- Nothing. Give it!
"Dear Marshmallow, good luck today.
I love you! Lilypad."
Give it!
"P.S. If you've unfolded this note,
your kiss already got out. Quick, catch it!"
Give it back! Hey, give it! Give me!
Give it!
- Oh, screw those guys. We're adorable.
- I know.
God! It's like freshman year, all over again.
Only, this time, my sweet dance moves
aren't gonna be enough to win them over.
Not even Old Reliable.
Sweetie, it would be cool
to have some extra money,
but if you're unhappy, it's not worth it.
- I quit.
- What? No. You...
We're having so much fun.
You, me, working together. It's great.
We're not even working together, Barney.
I'm in the legal department and you're...
- Seriously, what is it that you do?
- Please.
I'm sorry. Dude, this corporate thing,
it's just... It's not for me.
No, of course it's not for you.
It's for Lily.
- What?
- Marshall, Lily's a catch.
But do you really think you're gonna
hang on to a girl that great
- without the package?
- The package?
The package. The house, the car,
sending your kids to a great school.
- A vacation once in a while.
- Lily doesn't care about that stuff.
Well, no. Now she doesn't.
But how's she gonna feel
in a couple of years
when she's supporting you
on a kindergarten-teacher's salary,
while you're off in court,
defending some endangered
South American flying beaver.
I know.
- She'll be happy.
- Okay.
But will you be happy,
knowing you could have
made her a lot happier?
And all four are totally naked.
You gotta choose one.
What do you do? Go.
I guess, uh, Bea Arthur.
(IMITATING BUZZER SOUNDING)
Wrong. Betty White.
Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.
So, did she get
the awesome care package, yet?
Yep. Yesterday.
- Did she love it?
- Oh, she loved it.
So, what's the problem?
So, I was talking to her last night,
and I should tell you,
we've been talking on the phone
every other night,
for, like, an hour and a half.
Eventually, you just run out of stuff to say.
What did you have for lunch today?
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, rye bread.
Oh.
(SIGHING)
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Oh, Teddy boy.
I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend,
but this never-seeing-each-other thing,
it's a bitch.
Maybe it just can't be done.
I think it's clear what I have to do.
It's pretty clear.
I have to go to Germany and surprise her.
Totally what I was thinking.
Get out of my head, man.
Barney, how do I get these idiots
to leave me alone?
Marshall, consider the penguins.
- The penguins?
- On the wall.
"Conformity. It's the one who's different
that gets left out in the cold."
This is a motivational poster?
Look at yourself, Marshall.
You're not happy.
And you know why?
Because you're different.
Now, I suppose you could learn
to love yourself
for the unique little snowflake
that you are.
Or you could change
your entire personality,
which is just so much easier.
Change your personality? That is so awful.
And not at all motivational.
Not necessarily.
Okay, at first, I was appalled.
But then I realized
<i>it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez
in Life Among The Gorillas,
No, I have to gain the acceptance
of the herd
by behaving exactly like one of them.
It's an anthropological study.
Isn't that cool?
Well, it sounds kind of like peer pressure.
No, no, no. It's totally anthropological.
And it's cool. And I'm doing it.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure.
We have an assembly every year.
I'm portraying someone
who succumbs to peer pressure.
All right.
But if those guys try to pressure you
to smoke, what do you say?
- Only when I'm drunk.
- Good boy.
<i>OLDER TED; And so,
to fit in with the gorillas,
<i>Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla,
<i>And that meant gorilla lessons,
Okay. I'm psyched about this.
But if I'm gonna mentor you,
I need to know
you're psyched about this, too.
Oh, I am. I'm psyched.
Yeah, but it's one thing to say it.
It's another thing to show it.
Show it.
I'm psyched.
What was that?
Marshall, I should feel
tremors of psychetude
rock my body like a seizure.
That was like a declawed, pregnant cat
on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly
on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
- Wow, that was really specific.
- Show me you're psyched!
Let's do this!
- That hurt!
- So badly!
And then you slip it to the guy
with a discreet handshake,
- and he'll get it done.
- Right.
Get what done?
- Whatever.
- Cool. And what guy is this?
- There's always a guy.
- Okay. All right. I, uh...
- I think I'm ready.
- You sure?
You want to practice your story
one more time?
All right.
So, dude, check it. I'm in San Diego
with two of my brosephs from Kappa,
and they're all,
"Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs!"
So, I'm like, "A-snappa-doo!"
So we find this choice nudie nest
near the airport.
And that is when the bouncer
kicked us out.
Now, I have no idea
if Svetlana ever got her green card,
but, dudes, fake diamond ring?
Worth every penny, bro.
Eriksen, that was steak sauce!
- Awesome, bro.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Get out!
- Great story.
<i>OLDER TED; The next morning,
I was about to buy my ticket to Germany,
<i>when I got an e-mail,
Uh-oh.
"Hey, Ted.
Sorry I missed your call last night.
"This long-distance thing sucks, huh?
"Listen, I've been thinking
and I really need to talk to you tonight.
"I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria."
- So?
- So, she's gonna dump me.
Has anyone ever said,
"Listen, I've been thinking,"
and then followed it up
with something good?
It's not like, "Listen, I've been thinking,
Nutter Butters are an underrated cookie."
What else could it be?
What could she possibly have to say to me
that she couldn't write in an e-mail?
I cut off all my fingers.
Ted, you're a great guy. I know it.
You know it. She knows it.
I would bet you a gazillion dollars.
No, I'm even more confident.
I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars
that she's not calling to break up with you.
Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy.
So I should still buy
that plane ticket, right?
I'd wait.
MARSHALL: 'Sup, Blauman. E-Bomb here.
We still on for karaoke?
Dope!
I'm gonna rock you on the mike so hard
your ears are gonna bleed gravy.
Catch you on the flip, butt puppet.
Okay.
- What do you think?
- Steak sauce.
- Steak sauce?
- Yeah.
Yeah, look, you know,
whatever anthropology you do at work
is your business.
But, please,
don't act like that around here.
Lily, when Doctor Aurelia Birnholz...
No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline
came home from the gorillas,
she didn't run around
picking nits out of people's hair
and throwing feces.
I'm begging you. Just leave it at the office.
Why?
Because you're acting
like one of those guys,
and those guys are lame.
Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes.
But they're actually good guys,
and if you got to know them,
then you would see that.
Look, come karaoke with us tonight,
and you'll see how totally
not that lame they are.
- Okay?
- Okay.
But, wait. Knock, knock, back door.
Who's there?
Angelina Jolie, wait, in a wheelchair.
What do you do? Go.
Dude, Scarlett Johansson with no arms
any day of the week!
(LILY FEIGNING LAUGHTER)
You're right. They're delightful.
So, Barney, you gonna sing anything?
(EX CLAIMS)
I'm so over karaoke.
Really? I thought you'd be totally into it.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good.
The best, really.
But it's the greatest samurai
who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.
<i>Oh, baby, they have our song.
Let's do Don't Go Breaking My Heart,
What?
<i>Don't Go Breaking My Heart,
Elton John. Kiki Dee.
No way.
- You gotta go with some Black Sabbath.
- Oh.
Well, actually, Marshall and I have
this little dance routine we do...
<i>Iron Man, I could do Iron Man,
- Steak sauce.
- Steak sauce, dude.
Should we tell him?
All right, Eriksen,
I've got some good news.
On Monday, Bilson and I
are gonna talk to Montague in HR.
When you graduate,
we want you working with us.
What do you say?
- Yes!
- My man!
- I told you he would.
- BILSON: We are gonna have a hoot.
- We're gonna own the office.
- Steak sauce.
Okay, that was gross.
When were you gonna tell me
you changed your entire career path?
Nothing has changed, okay?
I still want to help the environment.
I just thought that maybe
I can make some money for a few years.
We could buy an apartment,
send our kids to good schools.
You could quit your job
and focus on your painting,
I know that you say you don't need it,
but I love you
and I want to give it to you anyway.
I want to give you the package.
The package?
You've already given me the package.
You've got a great package, Marshall.
I love your package.
Lily, you're the most
incredible woman I know
and you deserve a big package.
Your package has always been big enough.
You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen,
but you've got a huge package.
<i>(MUSIC PLA YING)
Yeah.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Hello?
- Why hasn't she called yet?
Okay, you're making yourself crazy.
It's Saturday night.
Go out and do something.
No, what's the point of going out?
I got a girlfriend. For now.
Besides, if I go out,
who's gonna watch the news?
I'm like half your viewership.
Oh, I'm flattered
you think we have two viewers.
She's not gonna break up with you, Ted.
You're awesome.
Thanks. Anyway, it's almost 11:00.
I should let you go.
Break a leg.
<i>OLDER TED; And so, as I sat at home,
waiting for the phone to ring,
<i>something occurred to me,
I'm actually sitting at home,
waiting for the phone to ring.
<i>(MAN SINGING)
- Marshall.
- Hey.
Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you
in a month.
Yeah.
Yeah. How're you doing?
I think Victoria's
about to break up with me.
Oh, God. I'm sorry, man.
Yeah, well,
honestly, I'm having trouble
remembering what she looks like.
The more I try to picture her,
the more I can't.
Like, I remember how she makes me feel,
I just don't completely remember her.
It's like I'm trying to preserve something
that's already gone.
Preserving something that's already gone.
Sounds like environmental law.
I don't know.
I mean, we struggle so hard
to hold on to these things
that we know
are gonna disappear eventually.
And that's really noble.
But even if you save every rainforest
from being turned into a parking lot,
well, then,
where are you gonna park your car?
(MUSIC STOPS)
<i>Rockupied, Dude, what,,,
<i>Next up, Marshmallow and Lilypad,
<i>(MUSIC PLA YING)
<i>(SINGING)
<i>OLDER TED; It turns out
some things are worth preserving,
<i>But here's the real question, It's 2,{{{{{00 a, m,
<i>Your friends are still out singing karaoke,
but you're home early,
<i>because you're expecting a call
from your girlfriend in Germany
<i>who was supposed to call four hours ago,
<i>And then the phone rings,
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Hi, Ted, it's Robin.
Um, listen, I know it's late,
but do you want to come over?
<i>OLDER TED; What do you do? Go,
was 10 years old,
<i>he read a book called
Life Among The Gorillas.
<i>It was written by an anthropologist
named Dr, Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez,
<i>and it told the story of the year she spent
<i>living among the western lowland gorillas
of Cameroon,
<i>When Dr, Birnholz-Vazquez
<i>came to the local community college
to give a lecture,
<i>Marshall, the youngest member
of the audience,
<i>raised his hand with a question,
What advice do you have
for a budding anthropologist?
So, you want to be an anthropologist?
Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live
with the gorillas just like you did.
<i>OLDER TED; What she said next
changed his life,
Oh, that's wonderful,
but I'm afraid you can't.
They'll all be dead by then.
And if economic sanctions
and trade restrictions aren't enforced,
the destruction of the rainforests
will continue,
and over a million species
will be wiped out.
So you don't want coffee?
I'm saying that the coffee industry
is causing irreversible...
- All right, I'm pouring it out.
- Okay, one cup.
Kid needs to be alert.
First day on the job and everything.
Still can't believe you're going
all corporate on us.
The Kid has become the man.
Okay, it's just an internship
to make a little money.
After law school,
I'm still gonna work for the NRDC.
They're gonna stop global warming.
<i>OLDER TED; Well, I mean,
they did their best,
Here's your sack lunch.
(CHUCKLING)
Okay. I love you because, one,
you made me a sack lunch,
and, two, you laugh
every time you say the word "sack."
(CHUCKLES)
- I love you, Marshmallow.
- I love you.
TED: I love you, too, Marshmallow.
Uh-oh.
- Ted?
- Oh, no!
- No, she didn't.
- Yeah. Yeah, she did.
Another care package?
<i>OLDER TED; Another care package,
<i>I'd been in a long-distance relationship
with Victoria for nearly a month,
<i>Long-distance relationships are a bad idea,
- How many is that so far?
- Three.
And how many have you sent her?
In the mail or in my mind? Zero.
She's up three-zip.
Oh! Cupcakes. Great.
I bet they're delicious, too.
Yeah. They're delicious.
Damn it!
I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes.
God, I hate myself right now.
God, that is so me at 15.
<i>OLDER TED; Marshall was going to work
for a big corporation called Altrucel,
<i>Altrucel was most well-known
for making the yellow fuzzy stuff
<i>on the surface of tennis balls,
<i>I mean, this was a huge company,
so they did other things,
<i>But mostly, they wanted the public
to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff,
<i>Anyway, Marshall managed to score
an internship in their legal department
<i>because he knew someone
who worked there,
<i>(PHONE RINGING)
Go for Barney.
<i>Mr, Stinson,
this is Willis from lobby security,
<i>Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports
of a Sasquatch loose in the building,
<i>- A Sasquatch?
- That's right, sir, A Bigfoot,
<i>We don't want to alarm you,
but he's been spotted on your floor,
(BARNEY LAUGHING)
Yes! Look at you.
You're suited in an unmistakably
upward direction.
Whoa! That is a butt-Ioad
of motivational posters.
Yeah. Hell, yeah. I got them all.
"Teamwork, courage, awesomeness."
- There's one for awesomeness?
- Yeah. I had it made.
- Sit.
- Hey, so, now that I'm working here,
are you finally gonna tell me
exactly what your job is?
(LAUGHING) Please.
- My dawg!
- My dawg!
Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall.
These guys are in legal.
You're gonna be working with them.
Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you.
- Nice tie. Steak sauce.
- Oh, steak sauce. For true, though.
- Where? I don't see any...
- Marshall, sidebar.
Your tie is steak sauce. It means A-1.
A-1? Get it? Try to keep up.
Okay, Eriksen. Let's get to work.
It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside.
Ding-dong. What? The doorbell?
Oh, hello, Jessica Alba,
in a trench coat and nothing else.
But wait. Knock, knock.
Somebody's at the back door?
- I don't have a back door, so...
- Oh, my gosh.
Jessica Simpson? What a surprise.
Two Jessicas. You gotta pick one.
What do you do? Go.
Right, well, I'm engaged, so...
Fiancée's out of town.
What do you do? Go!
We're still engaged, even if she's out...
Okay, fiancée's dead. Hit by a bus.
What do you do? Go.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Sure you don't want one?
- How many of those have you eaten?
Fourteen.
No. Just four.
- And the icing from two more.
- Mmm.
So, anyway. Here's the problem.
Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep.
Anyway, I got the care package
and it's just great.
Here, listen.
(MOANING IN SATISFACTION)
So, I'm standing there,
my mouth full of this delicious,
relationship-winning cupcake,
and I said something dumb.
Oh, and don't worry. Yours is in the mail.
I sent it a couple days ago.
And it's awesome. Really, really awesome.
Why did I say that?
I think frosting makes me lie.
Oh, Teddy boy.
Yeah. So now, whatever I send her,
she'll know I sent it after I talked to her.
So, that's the problem. You work on that.
I'm gonna eat this cupcake.
All right, here's what you do.
Put together a care package of stuff
from New York.
Some H&H Bagels,
an Empire State Building key chain,
<i>and then, top off the package
with a New York Times, ready?
From three days ago.
- That's brilliant.
- Mmm.
You're brilliant.
You know, it's funny, not so long ago,
I was coming to Marshall and Lily
for advice on how to impress you.
That is funny.
<i>OLDER TED; And here's why it was funny,
<i>Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier,
<i>here's what Robin was saying to Lily
about me,
Okay, fine! I have feelings for him.
Now, it's ironic the girl I used to like
is helping me impress the girl I now like.
The irony is clear, Ted.
- Hey! How was your first day?
- I don't want to talk about it.
The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks.
- What?
- They're jerks.
- Well, what makes them jerks?
- Forget it. I don't want to talk about it.
Well, like today at lunch.
What you got there, Eriksen?
Mommy pack your lunch?
(LAUGHING)
For your information, my fiancée did.
Oh! Does she cut the crusts
off your sandwich, too?
(BILSON LAUGHING)
No.
- What's that?
- Nothing. Give it!
"Dear Marshmallow, good luck today.
I love you! Lilypad."
Give it!
"P.S. If you've unfolded this note,
your kiss already got out. Quick, catch it!"
Give it back! Hey, give it! Give me!
Give it!
- Oh, screw those guys. We're adorable.
- I know.
God! It's like freshman year, all over again.
Only, this time, my sweet dance moves
aren't gonna be enough to win them over.
Not even Old Reliable.
Sweetie, it would be cool
to have some extra money,
but if you're unhappy, it's not worth it.
- I quit.
- What? No. You...
We're having so much fun.
You, me, working together. It's great.
We're not even working together, Barney.
I'm in the legal department and you're...
- Seriously, what is it that you do?
- Please.
I'm sorry. Dude, this corporate thing,
it's just... It's not for me.
No, of course it's not for you.
It's for Lily.
- What?
- Marshall, Lily's a catch.
But do you really think you're gonna
hang on to a girl that great
- without the package?
- The package?
The package. The house, the car,
sending your kids to a great school.
- A vacation once in a while.
- Lily doesn't care about that stuff.
Well, no. Now she doesn't.
But how's she gonna feel
in a couple of years
when she's supporting you
on a kindergarten-teacher's salary,
while you're off in court,
defending some endangered
South American flying beaver.
I know.
- She'll be happy.
- Okay.
But will you be happy,
knowing you could have
made her a lot happier?
And all four are totally naked.
You gotta choose one.
What do you do? Go.
I guess, uh, Bea Arthur.
(IMITATING BUZZER SOUNDING)
Wrong. Betty White.
Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.
So, did she get
the awesome care package, yet?
Yep. Yesterday.
- Did she love it?
- Oh, she loved it.
So, what's the problem?
So, I was talking to her last night,
and I should tell you,
we've been talking on the phone
every other night,
for, like, an hour and a half.
Eventually, you just run out of stuff to say.
What did you have for lunch today?
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, rye bread.
Oh.
(SIGHING)
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Oh, Teddy boy.
I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend,
but this never-seeing-each-other thing,
it's a bitch.
Maybe it just can't be done.
I think it's clear what I have to do.
It's pretty clear.
I have to go to Germany and surprise her.
Totally what I was thinking.
Get out of my head, man.
Barney, how do I get these idiots
to leave me alone?
Marshall, consider the penguins.
- The penguins?
- On the wall.
"Conformity. It's the one who's different
that gets left out in the cold."
This is a motivational poster?
Look at yourself, Marshall.
You're not happy.
And you know why?
Because you're different.
Now, I suppose you could learn
to love yourself
for the unique little snowflake
that you are.
Or you could change
your entire personality,
which is just so much easier.
Change your personality? That is so awful.
And not at all motivational.
Not necessarily.
Okay, at first, I was appalled.
But then I realized
<i>it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez
in Life Among The Gorillas,
No, I have to gain the acceptance
of the herd
by behaving exactly like one of them.
It's an anthropological study.
Isn't that cool?
Well, it sounds kind of like peer pressure.
No, no, no. It's totally anthropological.
And it's cool. And I'm doing it.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure.
We have an assembly every year.
I'm portraying someone
who succumbs to peer pressure.
All right.
But if those guys try to pressure you
to smoke, what do you say?
- Only when I'm drunk.
- Good boy.
<i>OLDER TED; And so,
to fit in with the gorillas,
<i>Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla,
<i>And that meant gorilla lessons,
Okay. I'm psyched about this.
But if I'm gonna mentor you,
I need to know
you're psyched about this, too.
Oh, I am. I'm psyched.
Yeah, but it's one thing to say it.
It's another thing to show it.
Show it.
I'm psyched.
What was that?
Marshall, I should feel
tremors of psychetude
rock my body like a seizure.
That was like a declawed, pregnant cat
on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly
on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
- Wow, that was really specific.
- Show me you're psyched!
Let's do this!
- That hurt!
- So badly!
And then you slip it to the guy
with a discreet handshake,
- and he'll get it done.
- Right.
Get what done?
- Whatever.
- Cool. And what guy is this?
- There's always a guy.
- Okay. All right. I, uh...
- I think I'm ready.
- You sure?
You want to practice your story
one more time?
All right.
So, dude, check it. I'm in San Diego
with two of my brosephs from Kappa,
and they're all,
"Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs!"
So, I'm like, "A-snappa-doo!"
So we find this choice nudie nest
near the airport.
And that is when the bouncer
kicked us out.
Now, I have no idea
if Svetlana ever got her green card,
but, dudes, fake diamond ring?
Worth every penny, bro.
Eriksen, that was steak sauce!
- Awesome, bro.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Get out!
- Great story.
<i>OLDER TED; The next morning,
I was about to buy my ticket to Germany,
<i>when I got an e-mail,
Uh-oh.
"Hey, Ted.
Sorry I missed your call last night.
"This long-distance thing sucks, huh?
"Listen, I've been thinking
and I really need to talk to you tonight.
"I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria."
- So?
- So, she's gonna dump me.
Has anyone ever said,
"Listen, I've been thinking,"
and then followed it up
with something good?
It's not like, "Listen, I've been thinking,
Nutter Butters are an underrated cookie."
What else could it be?
What could she possibly have to say to me
that she couldn't write in an e-mail?
I cut off all my fingers.
Ted, you're a great guy. I know it.
You know it. She knows it.
I would bet you a gazillion dollars.
No, I'm even more confident.
I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars
that she's not calling to break up with you.
Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy.
So I should still buy
that plane ticket, right?
I'd wait.
MARSHALL: 'Sup, Blauman. E-Bomb here.
We still on for karaoke?
Dope!
I'm gonna rock you on the mike so hard
your ears are gonna bleed gravy.
Catch you on the flip, butt puppet.
Okay.
- What do you think?
- Steak sauce.
- Steak sauce?
- Yeah.
Yeah, look, you know,
whatever anthropology you do at work
is your business.
But, please,
don't act like that around here.
Lily, when Doctor Aurelia Birnholz...
No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline
came home from the gorillas,
she didn't run around
picking nits out of people's hair
and throwing feces.
I'm begging you. Just leave it at the office.
Why?
Because you're acting
like one of those guys,
and those guys are lame.
Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes.
But they're actually good guys,
and if you got to know them,
then you would see that.
Look, come karaoke with us tonight,
and you'll see how totally
not that lame they are.
- Okay?
- Okay.
But, wait. Knock, knock, back door.
Who's there?
Angelina Jolie, wait, in a wheelchair.
What do you do? Go.
Dude, Scarlett Johansson with no arms
any day of the week!
(LILY FEIGNING LAUGHTER)
You're right. They're delightful.
So, Barney, you gonna sing anything?
(EX CLAIMS)
I'm so over karaoke.
Really? I thought you'd be totally into it.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good.
The best, really.
But it's the greatest samurai
who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.
<i>Oh, baby, they have our song.
Let's do Don't Go Breaking My Heart,
What?
<i>Don't Go Breaking My Heart,
Elton John. Kiki Dee.
No way.
- You gotta go with some Black Sabbath.
- Oh.
Well, actually, Marshall and I have
this little dance routine we do...
<i>Iron Man, I could do Iron Man,
- Steak sauce.
- Steak sauce, dude.
Should we tell him?
All right, Eriksen,
I've got some good news.
On Monday, Bilson and I
are gonna talk to Montague in HR.
When you graduate,
we want you working with us.
What do you say?
- Yes!
- My man!
- I told you he would.
- BILSON: We are gonna have a hoot.
- We're gonna own the office.
- Steak sauce.
Okay, that was gross.
When were you gonna tell me
you changed your entire career path?
Nothing has changed, okay?
I still want to help the environment.
I just thought that maybe
I can make some money for a few years.
We could buy an apartment,
send our kids to good schools.
You could quit your job
and focus on your painting,
I know that you say you don't need it,
but I love you
and I want to give it to you anyway.
I want to give you the package.
The package?
You've already given me the package.
You've got a great package, Marshall.
I love your package.
Lily, you're the most
incredible woman I know
and you deserve a big package.
Your package has always been big enough.
You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen,
but you've got a huge package.
<i>(MUSIC PLA YING)
Yeah.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Hello?
- Why hasn't she called yet?
Okay, you're making yourself crazy.
It's Saturday night.
Go out and do something.
No, what's the point of going out?
I got a girlfriend. For now.
Besides, if I go out,
who's gonna watch the news?
I'm like half your viewership.
Oh, I'm flattered
you think we have two viewers.
She's not gonna break up with you, Ted.
You're awesome.
Thanks. Anyway, it's almost 11:00.
I should let you go.
Break a leg.
<i>OLDER TED; And so, as I sat at home,
waiting for the phone to ring,
<i>something occurred to me,
I'm actually sitting at home,
waiting for the phone to ring.
<i>(MAN SINGING)
- Marshall.
- Hey.
Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you
in a month.
Yeah.
Yeah. How're you doing?
I think Victoria's
about to break up with me.
Oh, God. I'm sorry, man.
Yeah, well,
honestly, I'm having trouble
remembering what she looks like.
The more I try to picture her,
the more I can't.
Like, I remember how she makes me feel,
I just don't completely remember her.
It's like I'm trying to preserve something
that's already gone.
Preserving something that's already gone.
Sounds like environmental law.
I don't know.
I mean, we struggle so hard
to hold on to these things
that we know
are gonna disappear eventually.
And that's really noble.
But even if you save every rainforest
from being turned into a parking lot,
well, then,
where are you gonna park your car?
(MUSIC STOPS)
<i>Rockupied, Dude, what,,,
<i>Next up, Marshmallow and Lilypad,
<i>(MUSIC PLA YING)
<i>(SINGING)
<i>OLDER TED; It turns out
some things are worth preserving,
<i>But here's the real question, It's 2,{{{{{00 a, m,
<i>Your friends are still out singing karaoke,
but you're home early,
<i>because you're expecting a call
from your girlfriend in Germany
<i>who was supposed to call four hours ago,
<i>And then the phone rings,
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Hi, Ted, it's Robin.
Um, listen, I know it's late,
but do you want to come over?
<i>OLDER TED; What do you do? Go,
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