<i>Every architect can point to
that one design that changed their career.
<i>For me, it was around the time
of my 31st birthday.
<i>It wasn't a museum or a concert hall
or a skyscraper.
<i>It was something else.
We're opening a restaurant called
Rib Town, and we want it to be shaped...
Like a cowboy hat.
Look, I need the work.
I don't have any other options.
Well, there's always that teaching job.
Yeah, I didn't work this hard to be stuck
in some crappy, dead-end teaching job.
- No offense, Lily.
- I got peed on three times today.
No arguments here.
I just gotta nail this hat building,
so I'll see you all in three days.
<i>For the next three days,
I worked harder
<i>than I'd ever worked in my life.
<i>And I got nowhere.
- Hey, Ted, what're you doing?
- Designing a building shaped like a hat.
- Now a good time to chat?
- No.
- So, what do you think of Robin?
- Barney, I really need to get to work, so...
Great. Say you and I went suit-shopping,
and you happened upon a beautiful suit,
a beautiful Canadian suit.
Double-breasted.
Mmm!
You try it on,
but it's not exactly the right fit for you.
So, you put it back. Then I try it on.
I don't really want
to take the same suit that you had
your eye on, but at the same time,
I really like that suit.
Buy the suit, Barney.
You clearly care about it.
- Tell the suit how you feel.
- Okay.
But, Ted, remember that
that was your answer because...
The suit is Robin.
I know!
Right?
- I'm with you, buddy.
- You are now.
- Because I explained it to you.
- What are you...
Come on, dude, you've been at this
for three days without a break.
Now, it's your birthday. Come up
to the roof and have a beer with me.
No can do. Presentation is tomorrow.
Hat buildings don't design themselves.
It's a rib joint for fat tourists.
Just make sure the doors are wide
and the chairs are reinforced.
Now, birthday beer on the roof. Let's go!
Why do you want me to come up
to the roof so bad?
What, are you throwing me
a surprise party?
What? Come on.
Ted, we threw you a surprise party
last year, okay?
You don't get two surprise parties in a row.
The fact that anyone showed up
to the first one was surprise enough.
Right? Two surprise parties in a row!
That is rich!
That is rich!
Classic! Classic...
He still won't come up.
Come on. What the crap?
I knew having a second surprise party
was a bad idea.
Yes, Robin, I know.
This party is... It's a disaster.
It was my idea. I take responsibility.
And there's really only one thing
to do about it.
- Oh, Marshall, no.
- Lily, I have to do this!
There's no point
in putting it off any longer.
<i>I should explain.
You see, a few years earlier...
No.
Uh-uh. Forget it. This is so not pimped out.
If anything, this is pimped in.
You know who knows how to live?
Those people.
<i>Ah. The rooftop patio
one building over from ours.
<i>Across a chasm of just six or seven feet
awaited a landscaped paradise.
<i>And best of all...
That looks to be one hot tub.
Great. How do we get over there?
What are we gonna do? Jump?
I can jump that far.
Marshall, lately it takes you two tries
to get off the sofa.
You can't jump that far.
- Oh, really?
- Really.
Watch me.
<i>But he didn't jump.
- This actually is kind of nice.
- Right? Right?
Okay. Okay.
<i>And in the years that followed,
he kept almost jumping.
Okay.
Okay!
<i>But each time, without fail...
Okay. Here we go.
<i>...he didn't jump.
But don't worry.
'Cause if I can make this jump tonight,
it's totally gonna save the party.
- Honey, please get down from there.
- Lily!
When Evel Knievel sat astride
his star-spangled rocket
on the rim of Snake River Canyon,
do you think his wife said,
"Honey, get down from there"?
For the last time, I am not Linda Knievel!
I will never be Linda Knievel!
You don't need to remind me.
Marshall, please, don't do this.
Please, don't jump.
I'm sorry, Lily, but I gotta do this.
- You can't do this.
- Why?
You want a reason? I'll give you a reason.
I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, really?
Lily, I mean, I noticed that you gained
some weight lately, but I didn't...
I was lying, you jerk!
Oh, go ahead and jump. I hope you die!
That's all the permission I need.
Listen, Robin.
- There's something I have to tell you.
- But wait.
Before you do,
I have to tell you something first.
- What is it?
- I think I'm in love with you.
- It's Ted. Everybody, shh!
- Shh! Shh!
- Hey, Ted, what's up?
- It's here, Lily.
It's looking at me.
- What is?
- The goat.
<i>Now, I've told you
some of the story of the goat already.
<i>How Aunt Lily invited a local farmer
to come talk to her class,
<i>and how he brought a goat,
<i>and how he told the whole class what he
was gonna do to the goat later that day.
<i>And how Aunt Lily, in a fit of mercy,
<i>bought the goat off the guy
in order to commute its sentence.
Lily, something amazing has happened.
I was talking to Robin,
I was all set to tell her how I feel,
but before I could,
you'll never believe what she said.
I think I'm in love with you.
- Aw! What did you say?
- What do you think I said?
What would anyone say
to something like that?
Yeah, Robin, listen.
You're great.
I mean, you're really awesome,
but, I mean, we're friends.
- It's probably a bad idea.
- I guess you're right.
- Have a good party.
- You, too, kiddo.
- What?
- It's like, as soon as she said that,
no more feelings.
I'm not in love with her anymore.
So, you've been in love with this girl
for the past year,
and the second
she reciprocates those feelings,
- just like that, you're over her.
- How great is that?
No. No! This is a washcloth. Not food.
What the...
Okay. This is it.
Here
we
go!
This is it.
Tracey, Tracey,
tell Lily what you just told me.
- Um, that I just moved to New York?
- No, no, but tell her how you got here.
I just got off the bus from Iowa.
Just got off the bus from Iowa!
How lucky is it that an aspiring dancer
just off the bus from Iowa
runs into the producer of the Rockettes?
I feel like I'm in one of those
classic show-biz stories.
Oh, honey, you are. You really are.
Hey, Tracey, why don't you make me
one of those rum and beers
- that your dad loves so much?
- Sure thing.
- Damn it.
- What?
Everybody always says,
"Don't tell Lily. Lily can't keep a secret. "
And, usually, they're right.
But this time, I kept the secret.
And then you come along with this crap
and you force me to pull
an old classic Lily and spill the beans!
What beans? There's beans?
There's beans.
The suit is Robin.
I know!
Right?
- I'm with you, buddy.
- You are now.
- Because I explained it to you.
- What are you...
There you go.
Oh, crap.
- He said that? Oh, my God!
- Whoa!
What a tremendous,
groundbreaking surprise!
- How long have you known?
- Eight months.
And you've kept it a secret since then?
Good for you.
Yeah. Wow. Good for you, Lily.
I mean, what a bombshell.
Who saw that coming?
- How long have you known?
- Seven months, 29 days.
- What am I going to do?
- I don't know. What are you going to do?
I'm going to marry Barney
in a big church wedding.
And we're going to move
to some sleepy New Hampshire town
and open a bed-and-breakfast.
- Aw!
- Oh!
- Really?
- No! It's Barney!
I mean, it's Barney.
But it's Barney. I gotta tell him no.
Oh, man, you're going to break his...
Whatever it is that pumps
that black sludge through his veins.
Crap. You're right.
The first time Barney expresses feelings
for a girl, and she rejects him?
And not just any girl. I mean...
It will destroy him.
Okay, well, first of all...
Second of all,
there is a maneuver you can try.
It's high-risk, but it's also high-reward.
For lack of a better term, I'm going to call it
- "The Mosby. "
- The Mosby?
No, she couldn't Mosby him.
- She could Mosby the crap out of him.
- What's the Mosby?
Robin, you remember
your first date with Ted?
You wanted to hop on the T-train,
take a ride downtown.
- I was ready to jump that turnstile.
- What changed all that?
- I think I'm in love with you.
- What?
Oh! The Mosby!
- That is genius.
- Thank you.
And, excuse me.
Oh, I mean, you're very pretty,
but you're freakishly tall,
and you don't believe in ghosts.
So, when she said she thinks
she's in love with me,
- she meant the opposite.
- Exactly.
And look how well it worked.
You're back to normal.
Yes. Yes, I am.
And it is great. It's awesome.
- So, Robin's not in love with me.
- Nope.
Why not?
Mr. Goat?
Mr. Goat?
Okay. That's it.
Stupid goat.
I do not understand your fascination
with this washcloth.
I guess that's what happens
when you have a brain the size of a...
No! No! No!
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Marshall, can you just go get Ted?
Lily,
I was just about to jump.
Didn't you hear me saying "Okay"
over and over again?
- I'm sorry. Go ahead and jump.
- No, it's fine.
Sorry, everybody. Lily won't let me jump.
Yeah.
Thank God.
Hospital!
What happened, exactly?
What happened
is you let a freaking wild animal
into our apartment.
I was savaged.
That is the sweetest,
cutest little goat in the whole world.
Sweetest, cutest little goat
in the whole world?
<i>I was pretty
sleep-deprived at this point,
<i>so this probably isn't how
it really happened,
<i>but here's how I remember it.
So, you're the guy
who tried to make it with a goat?
Hey, if anything,
that goat tried to make it with me.
- Can I go, please?
- Sure, you can go.
But remember, buddy, "baa" means "baa. "
Great. Great. Now I'm going to be late
for my presentation.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Goat.
Mr. Goat?
Ted, that goat's a girl.
- Her name's Missy.
- You got beat up by a girl.
- So. You're in love with me.
- What?
Oh, yeah. Very much.
Okay, you can knock it off. Lily told me.
- Oh, damn it, Lily!
- I can't believe you would do that.
It's just...
Like, I care about you, Barney.
And this kind of stuff, the emotional stuff?
It's not your thing.
I thought I'd save you the trouble.
Maybe I don't want to be saved the trouble.
Maybe I want the trouble.
I haven't wanted the trouble in a long time.
But with you, the trouble doesn't seem so
troubling.
I don't know. I thought...
I guess I thought you felt the same way.
Maybe I do.
I don't know.
I'm not exactly the biggest
confronter of feelings.
I mean, clearly,
there's something between us.
Maybe my head was saying,
"Nip it in the bud,"
because my heart was
saying something else.
Look, I have feelings for you, Barney.
Maybe I even love you.
Whoa! This is going pretty fast,
don't you think?
- What?
- We have a really good friendship going.
Why screw up a good thing? Friends?
Friends.
Oh, my God. You just did it again.
You just Mosby'd me.
- I did not!
- You did. You little minx.
Okay, you're right.
I did just Mosby you.
Why are you so afraid
of giving this a chance?
Because I am scared
of how much I like you.
- Whoa! This is a bad idea.
- You're right. This is a mistake.
- Yes. No.
- I love you.
- Let's be friends.
- Okay. Friends, then.
- I love you.
- Let's get married.
- No, you're smothering me.
- Okay, forget it.
You know what? We can sort this out later.
- Yeah. That sounds good.
- That sounds good. Let's go.
<i>It had been a long
and crazy night,
<i>but that morning, against all odds,
<i>I made it to my presentation.
Here you have it, gentlemen.
Rib Town. Right?
- Right?
- Yeah.
Ted, listen. You're great,
and you've done a real special job here.
And you're going to make some
other restaurant very happy someday,
but we have decided to go
another direction here.
- What?
- Feast your eyes on
- Rib Town!
- Rib Town!
Sven.
I'll tell you one thing.
I'm never eating ribs again.
Yeah, right.
I am never
eating ribs again!
In front of Ted!
This is a disaster.
How am I going to come back from this?
Okay, I'm just going to ask this.
Do you really want to come back from this?
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Architecture is killing you, Ted,
and it's killing us to watch it killing you.
You're like that goat with the washcloth.
You want it so bad,
and every time the world
tries to take it away from you,
you keep grabbing it. But you know what?
It's just a washcloth.
Why do you even want it?
Because I have to be an architect. That's...
That's the plan.
Oh, screw the plan.
I planned on being a famous artist.
Marshall planned on being
an environmental lawyer.
Robin planned on being a TV reporter.
Uh, I am a TV reporter.
I'm on every morning at 4:00 a. m.
Is that still on? Good for you.
Okay, somebody watch it, please.
Barney planned on being a violinist.
- Lily?
- Don't tell me things.
Look, you can't design your life
like a building.
It doesn't work that way. You just have to
live it, and it will design itself.
So, what, I should just do nothing?
No. Listen to what the world
is telling you to do and take the leap.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
I love you, Lily.
Oh, no. Metaphorical leap.
Metaphorical leap!
Not cool. Not cool.
Don't do it. Don't do it. No!
Oh, God.
- I did it!
- Baby, you did it.
- I can do anything!
- Yes, you can.
- I'm getting a motorcycle!
- You absolutely are not!
Okay, sorry. Guys, come on over.
<i>That was the year
I got left at the altar.
<i>It was the year I got knocked out
by a crazy bartender.
<i>The year I got fired.
<i>The year I got beat up by a goat.
<i>A girl goat, at that.
<i>And damn it
if it wasn't the best year of my life.
<i>Because, if any one of those things
hadn't happened,
<i>I never would have ended up in what
turned out to be the best job I ever had.
<i>But more importantly,
I wouldn't have met your mother,
<i>because, as you know,
she was in that class.
<i>Of course, that story's only just beginning.
Showing posts with label season 4. Show all posts
Showing posts with label season 4. Show all posts
5/18/2011
How I Met Your Mother - S04E23 - As Fast As She Can
<i>Kids,
Stella Zinman was the girl
<i>I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.
<i>Until she left me at the altar,
smashing my heart to smithereens.
<i>So when I ran into her seven months later,
there was only one way to deal with her.
Stella!
- Great to see you!
- You, too.
And Tony!
- Hey.
- Hey! What a nice surprise.
"What a nice surprise"?
No, a nice surprise would be if a safe fell
from 40 stories and smushed them both.
I mean, you didn't let them have it?
No, we had a nice friendly chat,
then they went their way and I went mine.
Ted, you blew it. He blew it, right?
- Well played, sir.
- Bravo.
- What?
- You see, Robin, Ted played it cool,
which is exactly what
he should have done.
As a matter of fact,
I'd say on a scale ranging from...
And I kept this sweater of yours
and sometimes I just sit in the bathtub
for hours just, you know, just sniffing it.
...all the way to...
This is my new fiancée.
She's basically Stella,
except she's French and,
as you can see, she's got enormous cans.
I'd say you nailed it.
I'll do you one better.
You, sir, got Stella thinking.
"Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today.
Did I choose the wrong guy?"
Give it a week, you'll get her back.
And her front.
Did you just feel that?
I think we just had a "what up" quake.
I don't want her back. Or her front.
I just want to move on.
And this was an important step
towards that. To moving on.
<i>And, you know, I really meant it.
<i>But still, that night,
my mind began to wander.
- I made a terrible mistake.
- I know.
- I'm a better person than you are.
- You totally are.
Let's get back together
and have way more sex than before.
Deal!
Hello, Ted.
No, come in. It's not weird at all.
Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted, Ted.
I knew it was wrong to
steal somebody's fiancée.
I mean, I grappled with it. I was up nights.
And not for the good reason.
Well, sometimes for the good reason.
I mean, Stella and I hadn't
seen each other in five years,
so, as you can imagine, the beginning,
it was just fast and furious.
Lamps breaking, furniture moving.
- You see this bald patch?
- Yeah, Tony...
Anyway, we moved on.
Me, Lucy, Stella,
we were gonna move to LA.
I was gonna become a screenwriter.
Then we bumped into you,
and you just looked so sad.
Sad? No. I...
I think what you're calling sad
was actually a jovial nonchalance.
Ted, you looked awful, okay?
Like a little dachshund puppy
with a bad back
that's got to pull itself around on a cart.
Why are you here?
Look, Ted,
I know I can come across pretty tough,
but I can't bear to have hurt
someone the way I hurt you.
I think fate put me on that corner
to make this right.
Obviously, I can't fill that giant crater
that Stella left in your heart.
I've been dating. Like, a lot.
And then I heard you got fired.
I transitioned
into small business ownership.
- It's the backbone of the economy.
- No, it's not.
Ted, my family's got a lot of money.
And I want to use that money
to make this right with you.
Tony is rich? Oh, Ted.
Oh, Ted, tell me he wrote you a check.
Tell me he wrote you a big, fat check.
A check so big it doesn't take
its shirt off when it goes swimming.
That is a big, fat check.
A check so big, if you had sex with it,
you wouldn't tell your buddies.
That is a big, fat check.
A check so big that when you sit next to it
on an airplane, you find yourself wondering
whether the check should
have bought two seats.
- That...
- Is a big, fat check!
Yeah! He didn't write me a check.
- Ted, I want to offer you a job.
- A job?
Every year, my family gives a lot of money
to Columbia University, so I got some pull.
How would you like to design...
<i>My heart leapt into my throat.
A new library? A new student center?
...your very own curriculum
as a professor of architecture.
No, thanks.
What do you mean, "No, thanks"?
Ted, you would be a great professor, okay?
You are knowledgeable,
you're a good talker,
and when you need to,
you can grow a very handsome neck beard.
I'm not gonna be a professor.
Teaching architecture is what you do
when your career has totally bottomed out
and you need to pay the bills.
Hey, hey, hey! Small business owner.
Backbone of the economy.
I'm not gonna take that job, all right?
I'm gonna be just fine.
- New topic.
- Okay, new topic.
I just got a $200 speeding ticket today.
That sucks, dude.
You couldn't talk your way out of it?
- You can't talk your way out of a ticket.
- I've done it.
It was... What was it? It was 1998.
- So where's the fire?
- There's no fire.
Actually, you know, there is a fire
at this barbecue I'm headed to.
Nothing special. Burgers, ribs, brats.
Son, do you have any idea
how dangerous it is to be...
- Did you say brats?
- Yeah, brats.
My mom marinates them in Belgian beer
for two days. No big.
Funny thing was, I could've
sworn that one of those thick, succulent,
hickory-smoked brats
had some writing on it.
Weird. Anyways, what were you saying?
What... What did it say? The brat?
It said, "Property of Minnesota
State Trooper Jorgensen. "
You a...
You a brat man, Officer Jorgensen?
- You going to this address?
- Mmm-hmm.
Follow me and lean on the horn.
We're gonna be running some reds.
Well, duh. I would've done that, too,
if I'd have been going to a barbecue.
Damn, I was.
See, it's all about sizing up your opponent.
I could tell that the officer was a brat man,
because, well, he was out of breath
just from walking to my car
and he had mustard on his holster.
Marshall Eriksen!
Manipulating an officer of the law
with your sausage.
That is very hot.
You think I can't talk
my way out of a ticket?
You think I can't
talk my way out of a ticket?
I am Barney Stinson,
master of manipulation.
If I can talk a stripper
into paying me for a lap dance,
I think I can talk my way out of a ticket.
Challenge accep... Wait for it.
What? I don't get it.
Oh, "Ted. " "Accep-Ted. "
I get it now.
- What now?
- You want to be an architect? Great.
Guy I went to private school with
wants a new house built.
Job's yours if you want it.
Tony, look, I don't need your help.
Here's what he's offering you.
That is a big, fat check.
Showtime.
License and registration.
Oh. Of course, Officer. Right away.
Sir, this is a gift certificate
for a custom-tailored Italian suit.
So, we done here?
$375!
- And he kept the gift certificate.
- Oh, man.
I'm gonna call Emilio and tell him
to short-sheet him on the crotch.
You are bad at this, dude.
Whatever, Robin.
Like you've ever talked your way
out of a ticket.
Are you kidding me? Robin's a pretty girl.
Pretty girls don't get tickets.
I bet Robin's been pulled over tons
of times, never once gotten a ticket.
That is outrageous!
And factual.
License and...
Oh, honey. Oh, no, no, no, don't cry.
It's okay. No ticket for you.
Just go a little slower next time, okay?
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Yeah!
Excuse me.
I think I left something in New Jersey.
Hey! How did your lunch go
with the rich guy?
Well, it started off great.
I want to design a house that celebrates
the landscape without overpowering it.
You know, when Frank Lloyd Wright
designed Fallingwater in 1935, there's...
Yes, yes, that's all fine.
I'm sure you'll do a great job.
What I'm really worried about
is the basement.
- Specifically, the laundry room.
- The laundry room?
I require a laundry room
of 15 feet by 15 feet,
stain-proof ceramic tile
from floor to ceiling.
I'm a man who likes to do his own laundry,
and sometimes, it gets messy.
- Messy?
- Messy.
Steel chains will dangle from the ceiling
at a height of 9 feet.
And that is where my laundry bags
will hang for three days and three nights
before I clean them.
Ted, it... It kind of sounds like
what this guy is asking you to design...
- It's a murder house.
- It is. It's totally a murder house.
You know, as a martial artist,
I'm trained to trust my instincts,
and my instincts are saying
this feels very good.
The steak is so rare.
Right? Right?
One final concern, soundproofing.
I tend to make a lot of racket
when I launder.
I'll show you what I mean.
I'm gonna go to my laundry room,
and you tell me if you can hear me.
Tony, does something feel off
about this guy?
Yeah.
Off the hook! Bro, you are nailing this.
Ted, you can't design a murder house!
I'm not gonna design a murder house.
- Ted, you can't design a murder house!
- I'm not gonna design a murder house!
Bring it.
Officer, please, my wife is about
to have a baby! Her water just broke!
Where's your wife?
She took the other car.
This is Italian leather, so...
I... Come...
I'm sorry about that murder house thing.
That was my bad. That's on me.
So, new plan.
You, my friend, are gonna build
the Statue of Liberty a husband.
Now, I got some suction down at City Hall.
Tony, stop it!
I don't want your help, okay?
You don't have to do this.
- Yes, I do.
- Why?
Because.
When you were with Stella,
I know how much I missed her.
I can only imagine you feel the same way.
Okay, well, let me put your mind at ease.
I don't want Stella back, okay?
She lied to me and left me at the altar.
What kind of person does that?
I'm better off without her.
She's all yours, buddy.
There you go. Load off my mind.
<i>And that was it. Tony left,
<i>and I began to put this
whole business far behind me.
<i>Or so I thought.
Stella.
Tony broke up with me.
Wow. Okay, Tony broke up with you?
He said it was because
of something you said.
You got Tony to dump Stella?
I am very sorry, but I'm going
to have to insist that you bump this.
Let's... Let's talk out in the hall.
I'll be waiting.
So, why are you here?
Look, Ted, this is about
seven months too late, but here goes.
I've been in love with Tony
since high school.
We dated for a long time,
but then I got pregnant,
and I guess for two 19-year-olds,
it was just too much to handle,
so we broke up.
And for a long time,
I just focused on being a mother.
I forgot about Tony. I forgot about
the very idea of being in love.
And then you came along
and reminded me.
And I loved you for that.
I loved you so much, in fact,
that it was just shy of enough.
But I never stopped loving Tony.
Take him back, honey. He's sorry.
No, that's... That's not...
That's not what's happening.
Just go back inside, Mrs. Matsen.
It was good seeing you, Stella.
Can you talk to Tony?
- What?
- He'd listen to you.
I mean, you changed his mind.
You could change it back.
- I know it's an awful thing to ask...
- Yeah, it's an awful thing to ask.
Well, I don't know what else to do, okay?
I love him.
Oh, you love him. So, what? You're...
You're appealing to the romantic in me?
Is that your strategy?
Because that guy's gone.
You can't pull those strings anymore.
They're not attached to anything,
thanks to you.
Go ahead, honey, kiss him.
- Go inside, Mrs. Matsen!
- Mrs. Matsen, go inside!
Okay, you can do this. You can do this!
Oh, you can do this.
- License and...
- License and registration.
Excuse me?
I can only assume you need a license
to have a face that beautiful.
And that body?
I'm guessing something that explosive
has to be registered
with the proper authorities.
- Get out of the car.
- Why? Am I under arrest?
No.
But you're about to be under me.
No. False. Did not happen.
That's a line from a porno.
I've seen that porno.
Hell, I've made that porno.
When will you guys realize
that the only difference
between my real life and a porno
is my real life has better lighting?
- You're lying.
- I am not lying!
I swear on my mother.
I swear on Goliath National Bank.
I swear on my suits.
I am not lying.
<i>He was lying.
Here's what really happened.
Go ahead, honey, kiss him.
- Go inside, Mrs. Matsen!
- Mrs. Matsen, go inside!
Is there anything
I can do to make this better?
No.
- Hello.
- Ted, it's me! It's Barney.
It's me!
I need your help and I'm in big trouble!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.
What happened?
I'm guessing something that explosive
has to be registered
with the proper authorities.
- Get out of the car.
- Why? Am I under arrest?
Yes, you are. I ran your plates.
You've had 15 moving violations
in the last three days. Get out of the car.
But, no, my wife's having a baby!
I have a sausage with your name on it!
Out of the car now!
I need you to come to Brazzaville,
New Jersey and bail me out.
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Hurry, Ted. You have no idea of the kind
of the hardened criminals
they've got me in here with.
Are we gonna get our spray paint back?
Save me, Ted!
You want to do something for me?
I need a ride to New Jersey.
Okay. You'll pay for tolls, right?
I'm kidding.
<i>So Stella and I drove
all the way out to New Jersey,
<i>bailed your Uncle Barney out of jail
and drove all the way home.
Oh, by the way, Ted,
how's that girl you've been seeing?
That super hot French chick
with the big enormous boobs?
Oh, you mean Claudette?
Yeah, she's... She's fine.
Man, she's the hottest girl
you have ever been with, Ted.
Ever! Bye, Stella.
Bye.
Ted, I'm so sorry again about everything.
- For what it's worth...
- I'll talk to Tony.
Really?
I want you to be happy, Stella.
I'll talk to him.
<i>And I did.
<i>I don't remember what I said to him,
but I guess I changed his mind,
<i>because the next day,
they flew to California.
<i>Stella set up a new dermatology practice.
<i>And against all odds, Tony found
some success as a screenwriter.
<i>His movie, The Wedding Bride,
was a big hit.
<i>But we'll get to that later.
Okay, but just tell me this. Why Tony?
I mean, is it the money,
the kung fu pajamas?
Like, what... What is it?
He's the one.
The one.
Yeah, I know it's kind of sappy, but, yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna say something out loud
that I've been doing a pretty good job
of not saying out loud lately.
What you and Tony have,
what I thought for a second you and I had,
what I know that Marshall and Lily have,
I want that. I do.
I keep waiting for it to happen
and waiting for it to happen, and...
I guess I'm just...
I'm tired of waiting.
And that is all I'm going to say
on that subject.
You know, I once talked my way
out of a speeding ticket.
Really?
I was heading upstate
to my parents' house
doing, like, 90 on this country road,
and I got pulled over.
So this cop gets out of his car.
He kind of swaggers on over and he's, like,
"Young lady, I have been
waiting for you all day. "
So I looked up at him and I said,
"I'm so sorry, Officer.
"I got here as fast as I could. "
For real?
No. It's an old joke.
I know that you're tired of waiting,
and you may have to wait
a little while more,
but she's on her way, Ted.
And she's getting here as fast as she can.
Bye, Stella.
Goodbye, Ted.
She tracked me down two days later
using a phone book.
And that's the last time I wrote
my name in my undergarments.
Hey.
- Hey, Lily!
- Lily!
You're back!
Barney, when you told me
that peanut butter and jam joke,
I was completely disgusted.
But I was in the shower this morning
and it popped into my head
and it actually made me laugh.
Peanut butter.
So I can see now
how I may have overreacted.
Marshall's words, not mine.
- Well, it's good to see you again, Lily.
- Thanks.
So what have you been up to?
I'm going to an amnesia ward
with a bunch of photos of my "children"
and a wedding ring.
I'm gonna find the hottest patient/my wife,
and we are going...
Okay, so that's good enough for tonight.
I gotta ease back into this.
See you tomorrow!
Stella Zinman was the girl
<i>I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.
<i>Until she left me at the altar,
smashing my heart to smithereens.
<i>So when I ran into her seven months later,
there was only one way to deal with her.
Stella!
- Great to see you!
- You, too.
And Tony!
- Hey.
- Hey! What a nice surprise.
"What a nice surprise"?
No, a nice surprise would be if a safe fell
from 40 stories and smushed them both.
I mean, you didn't let them have it?
No, we had a nice friendly chat,
then they went their way and I went mine.
Ted, you blew it. He blew it, right?
- Well played, sir.
- Bravo.
- What?
- You see, Robin, Ted played it cool,
which is exactly what
he should have done.
As a matter of fact,
I'd say on a scale ranging from...
And I kept this sweater of yours
and sometimes I just sit in the bathtub
for hours just, you know, just sniffing it.
...all the way to...
This is my new fiancée.
She's basically Stella,
except she's French and,
as you can see, she's got enormous cans.
I'd say you nailed it.
I'll do you one better.
You, sir, got Stella thinking.
"Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today.
Did I choose the wrong guy?"
Give it a week, you'll get her back.
And her front.
Did you just feel that?
I think we just had a "what up" quake.
I don't want her back. Or her front.
I just want to move on.
And this was an important step
towards that. To moving on.
<i>And, you know, I really meant it.
<i>But still, that night,
my mind began to wander.
- I made a terrible mistake.
- I know.
- I'm a better person than you are.
- You totally are.
Let's get back together
and have way more sex than before.
Deal!
Hello, Ted.
No, come in. It's not weird at all.
Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted, Ted.
I knew it was wrong to
steal somebody's fiancée.
I mean, I grappled with it. I was up nights.
And not for the good reason.
Well, sometimes for the good reason.
I mean, Stella and I hadn't
seen each other in five years,
so, as you can imagine, the beginning,
it was just fast and furious.
Lamps breaking, furniture moving.
- You see this bald patch?
- Yeah, Tony...
Anyway, we moved on.
Me, Lucy, Stella,
we were gonna move to LA.
I was gonna become a screenwriter.
Then we bumped into you,
and you just looked so sad.
Sad? No. I...
I think what you're calling sad
was actually a jovial nonchalance.
Ted, you looked awful, okay?
Like a little dachshund puppy
with a bad back
that's got to pull itself around on a cart.
Why are you here?
Look, Ted,
I know I can come across pretty tough,
but I can't bear to have hurt
someone the way I hurt you.
I think fate put me on that corner
to make this right.
Obviously, I can't fill that giant crater
that Stella left in your heart.
I've been dating. Like, a lot.
And then I heard you got fired.
I transitioned
into small business ownership.
- It's the backbone of the economy.
- No, it's not.
Ted, my family's got a lot of money.
And I want to use that money
to make this right with you.
Tony is rich? Oh, Ted.
Oh, Ted, tell me he wrote you a check.
Tell me he wrote you a big, fat check.
A check so big it doesn't take
its shirt off when it goes swimming.
That is a big, fat check.
A check so big, if you had sex with it,
you wouldn't tell your buddies.
That is a big, fat check.
A check so big that when you sit next to it
on an airplane, you find yourself wondering
whether the check should
have bought two seats.
- That...
- Is a big, fat check!
Yeah! He didn't write me a check.
- Ted, I want to offer you a job.
- A job?
Every year, my family gives a lot of money
to Columbia University, so I got some pull.
How would you like to design...
<i>My heart leapt into my throat.
A new library? A new student center?
...your very own curriculum
as a professor of architecture.
No, thanks.
What do you mean, "No, thanks"?
Ted, you would be a great professor, okay?
You are knowledgeable,
you're a good talker,
and when you need to,
you can grow a very handsome neck beard.
I'm not gonna be a professor.
Teaching architecture is what you do
when your career has totally bottomed out
and you need to pay the bills.
Hey, hey, hey! Small business owner.
Backbone of the economy.
I'm not gonna take that job, all right?
I'm gonna be just fine.
- New topic.
- Okay, new topic.
I just got a $200 speeding ticket today.
That sucks, dude.
You couldn't talk your way out of it?
- You can't talk your way out of a ticket.
- I've done it.
It was... What was it? It was 1998.
- So where's the fire?
- There's no fire.
Actually, you know, there is a fire
at this barbecue I'm headed to.
Nothing special. Burgers, ribs, brats.
Son, do you have any idea
how dangerous it is to be...
- Did you say brats?
- Yeah, brats.
My mom marinates them in Belgian beer
for two days. No big.
Funny thing was, I could've
sworn that one of those thick, succulent,
hickory-smoked brats
had some writing on it.
Weird. Anyways, what were you saying?
What... What did it say? The brat?
It said, "Property of Minnesota
State Trooper Jorgensen. "
You a...
You a brat man, Officer Jorgensen?
- You going to this address?
- Mmm-hmm.
Follow me and lean on the horn.
We're gonna be running some reds.
Well, duh. I would've done that, too,
if I'd have been going to a barbecue.
Damn, I was.
See, it's all about sizing up your opponent.
I could tell that the officer was a brat man,
because, well, he was out of breath
just from walking to my car
and he had mustard on his holster.
Marshall Eriksen!
Manipulating an officer of the law
with your sausage.
That is very hot.
You think I can't talk
my way out of a ticket?
You think I can't
talk my way out of a ticket?
I am Barney Stinson,
master of manipulation.
If I can talk a stripper
into paying me for a lap dance,
I think I can talk my way out of a ticket.
Challenge accep... Wait for it.
What? I don't get it.
Oh, "Ted. " "Accep-Ted. "
I get it now.
- What now?
- You want to be an architect? Great.
Guy I went to private school with
wants a new house built.
Job's yours if you want it.
Tony, look, I don't need your help.
Here's what he's offering you.
That is a big, fat check.
Showtime.
License and registration.
Oh. Of course, Officer. Right away.
Sir, this is a gift certificate
for a custom-tailored Italian suit.
So, we done here?
$375!
- And he kept the gift certificate.
- Oh, man.
I'm gonna call Emilio and tell him
to short-sheet him on the crotch.
You are bad at this, dude.
Whatever, Robin.
Like you've ever talked your way
out of a ticket.
Are you kidding me? Robin's a pretty girl.
Pretty girls don't get tickets.
I bet Robin's been pulled over tons
of times, never once gotten a ticket.
That is outrageous!
And factual.
License and...
Oh, honey. Oh, no, no, no, don't cry.
It's okay. No ticket for you.
Just go a little slower next time, okay?
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Yeah!
Excuse me.
I think I left something in New Jersey.
Hey! How did your lunch go
with the rich guy?
Well, it started off great.
I want to design a house that celebrates
the landscape without overpowering it.
You know, when Frank Lloyd Wright
designed Fallingwater in 1935, there's...
Yes, yes, that's all fine.
I'm sure you'll do a great job.
What I'm really worried about
is the basement.
- Specifically, the laundry room.
- The laundry room?
I require a laundry room
of 15 feet by 15 feet,
stain-proof ceramic tile
from floor to ceiling.
I'm a man who likes to do his own laundry,
and sometimes, it gets messy.
- Messy?
- Messy.
Steel chains will dangle from the ceiling
at a height of 9 feet.
And that is where my laundry bags
will hang for three days and three nights
before I clean them.
Ted, it... It kind of sounds like
what this guy is asking you to design...
- It's a murder house.
- It is. It's totally a murder house.
You know, as a martial artist,
I'm trained to trust my instincts,
and my instincts are saying
this feels very good.
The steak is so rare.
Right? Right?
One final concern, soundproofing.
I tend to make a lot of racket
when I launder.
I'll show you what I mean.
I'm gonna go to my laundry room,
and you tell me if you can hear me.
Tony, does something feel off
about this guy?
Yeah.
Off the hook! Bro, you are nailing this.
Ted, you can't design a murder house!
I'm not gonna design a murder house.
- Ted, you can't design a murder house!
- I'm not gonna design a murder house!
Bring it.
Officer, please, my wife is about
to have a baby! Her water just broke!
Where's your wife?
She took the other car.
This is Italian leather, so...
I... Come...
I'm sorry about that murder house thing.
That was my bad. That's on me.
So, new plan.
You, my friend, are gonna build
the Statue of Liberty a husband.
Now, I got some suction down at City Hall.
Tony, stop it!
I don't want your help, okay?
You don't have to do this.
- Yes, I do.
- Why?
Because.
When you were with Stella,
I know how much I missed her.
I can only imagine you feel the same way.
Okay, well, let me put your mind at ease.
I don't want Stella back, okay?
She lied to me and left me at the altar.
What kind of person does that?
I'm better off without her.
She's all yours, buddy.
There you go. Load off my mind.
<i>And that was it. Tony left,
<i>and I began to put this
whole business far behind me.
<i>Or so I thought.
Stella.
Tony broke up with me.
Wow. Okay, Tony broke up with you?
He said it was because
of something you said.
You got Tony to dump Stella?
I am very sorry, but I'm going
to have to insist that you bump this.
Let's... Let's talk out in the hall.
I'll be waiting.
So, why are you here?
Look, Ted, this is about
seven months too late, but here goes.
I've been in love with Tony
since high school.
We dated for a long time,
but then I got pregnant,
and I guess for two 19-year-olds,
it was just too much to handle,
so we broke up.
And for a long time,
I just focused on being a mother.
I forgot about Tony. I forgot about
the very idea of being in love.
And then you came along
and reminded me.
And I loved you for that.
I loved you so much, in fact,
that it was just shy of enough.
But I never stopped loving Tony.
Take him back, honey. He's sorry.
No, that's... That's not...
That's not what's happening.
Just go back inside, Mrs. Matsen.
It was good seeing you, Stella.
Can you talk to Tony?
- What?
- He'd listen to you.
I mean, you changed his mind.
You could change it back.
- I know it's an awful thing to ask...
- Yeah, it's an awful thing to ask.
Well, I don't know what else to do, okay?
I love him.
Oh, you love him. So, what? You're...
You're appealing to the romantic in me?
Is that your strategy?
Because that guy's gone.
You can't pull those strings anymore.
They're not attached to anything,
thanks to you.
Go ahead, honey, kiss him.
- Go inside, Mrs. Matsen!
- Mrs. Matsen, go inside!
Okay, you can do this. You can do this!
Oh, you can do this.
- License and...
- License and registration.
Excuse me?
I can only assume you need a license
to have a face that beautiful.
And that body?
I'm guessing something that explosive
has to be registered
with the proper authorities.
- Get out of the car.
- Why? Am I under arrest?
No.
But you're about to be under me.
No. False. Did not happen.
That's a line from a porno.
I've seen that porno.
Hell, I've made that porno.
When will you guys realize
that the only difference
between my real life and a porno
is my real life has better lighting?
- You're lying.
- I am not lying!
I swear on my mother.
I swear on Goliath National Bank.
I swear on my suits.
I am not lying.
<i>He was lying.
Here's what really happened.
Go ahead, honey, kiss him.
- Go inside, Mrs. Matsen!
- Mrs. Matsen, go inside!
Is there anything
I can do to make this better?
No.
- Hello.
- Ted, it's me! It's Barney.
It's me!
I need your help and I'm in big trouble!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.
What happened?
I'm guessing something that explosive
has to be registered
with the proper authorities.
- Get out of the car.
- Why? Am I under arrest?
Yes, you are. I ran your plates.
You've had 15 moving violations
in the last three days. Get out of the car.
But, no, my wife's having a baby!
I have a sausage with your name on it!
Out of the car now!
I need you to come to Brazzaville,
New Jersey and bail me out.
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Hurry, Ted. You have no idea of the kind
of the hardened criminals
they've got me in here with.
Are we gonna get our spray paint back?
Save me, Ted!
You want to do something for me?
I need a ride to New Jersey.
Okay. You'll pay for tolls, right?
I'm kidding.
<i>So Stella and I drove
all the way out to New Jersey,
<i>bailed your Uncle Barney out of jail
and drove all the way home.
Oh, by the way, Ted,
how's that girl you've been seeing?
That super hot French chick
with the big enormous boobs?
Oh, you mean Claudette?
Yeah, she's... She's fine.
Man, she's the hottest girl
you have ever been with, Ted.
Ever! Bye, Stella.
Bye.
Ted, I'm so sorry again about everything.
- For what it's worth...
- I'll talk to Tony.
Really?
I want you to be happy, Stella.
I'll talk to him.
<i>And I did.
<i>I don't remember what I said to him,
but I guess I changed his mind,
<i>because the next day,
they flew to California.
<i>Stella set up a new dermatology practice.
<i>And against all odds, Tony found
some success as a screenwriter.
<i>His movie, The Wedding Bride,
was a big hit.
<i>But we'll get to that later.
Okay, but just tell me this. Why Tony?
I mean, is it the money,
the kung fu pajamas?
Like, what... What is it?
He's the one.
The one.
Yeah, I know it's kind of sappy, but, yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna say something out loud
that I've been doing a pretty good job
of not saying out loud lately.
What you and Tony have,
what I thought for a second you and I had,
what I know that Marshall and Lily have,
I want that. I do.
I keep waiting for it to happen
and waiting for it to happen, and...
I guess I'm just...
I'm tired of waiting.
And that is all I'm going to say
on that subject.
You know, I once talked my way
out of a speeding ticket.
Really?
I was heading upstate
to my parents' house
doing, like, 90 on this country road,
and I got pulled over.
So this cop gets out of his car.
He kind of swaggers on over and he's, like,
"Young lady, I have been
waiting for you all day. "
So I looked up at him and I said,
"I'm so sorry, Officer.
"I got here as fast as I could. "
For real?
No. It's an old joke.
I know that you're tired of waiting,
and you may have to wait
a little while more,
but she's on her way, Ted.
And she's getting here as fast as she can.
Bye, Stella.
Goodbye, Ted.
She tracked me down two days later
using a phone book.
And that's the last time I wrote
my name in my undergarments.
Hey.
- Hey, Lily!
- Lily!
You're back!
Barney, when you told me
that peanut butter and jam joke,
I was completely disgusted.
But I was in the shower this morning
and it popped into my head
and it actually made me laugh.
Peanut butter.
So I can see now
how I may have overreacted.
Marshall's words, not mine.
- Well, it's good to see you again, Lily.
- Thanks.
So what have you been up to?
I'm going to an amnesia ward
with a bunch of photos of my "children"
and a wedding ring.
I'm gonna find the hottest patient/my wife,
and we are going...
Okay, so that's good enough for tonight.
I gotta ease back into this.
See you tomorrow!
How I Met Your Mother - S04E22 - Right Place Right Time
<i>In May of 2009,
I was on the verge of scoring
<i>my first big client
as an independent architect.
<i>I was willing to do anything
to make it happen.
Here's what we want, son. It's real simple.
We're opening a restaurant
called Rib Town,
and we want it to be shaped
like a cowboy hat.
<i>Anything.
A cowboy hat?
That's brilliant. I love it!
I mean, nothing says delicious
like the inside of a cowboy hat, right?
Look, I'm telling you, I'm your guy. I...
I think I was born to design this building.
I just...
I see it.
I don't see it. I don't see it. I don't see it.
Hey.
What's so good about it?
Uh-oh. Up all night?
I told these guys
I have a vision for this thing.
They want to see a pitch in a week,
and I got nothing.
- Oh, it's cute.
- Cute?
- Yeah.
- Robin,
I could be designing
concert halls and bridges.
Bridges so beautiful
they could be in museums.
And I could design those museums.
But what am I designing instead?
What has my career come to?
A two-story Stetson
with outdoor dining on the brim.
It's a sick cosmic joke.
The universe is conspiring against me.
Oh, you just need to get out of the house.
Take a walk. Get a bagel.
Yeah. Yeah, that'll solve everything.
I haven't slept for 34 hours,
but a bagel is the answer.
A cinnamon-raisin bagel
with a little cream cheese.
Actually, that sounds pretty good.
I'm going to get a bagel.
Bring an umbrella. It's supposed to rain,
according to Galoshes, our weather clown.
Your show has a clown
who does the weather?
- That's a little cheesy, don't you think?
- Yeah.
And what's that restaurant
you're designing shaped like, Hoss?
Fine. You want me out of the house,
I'll get out of the house.
Uh-huh.
Can't wait to see what the universe
has lined up for me out there.
<i>Kids, I've been telling you
the story of how I met your mother.
<i>And while there's many things
to learn from this story,
<i>this may be the biggest.
<i>The great moments of your life
won't necessarily be the things you do.
<i>They'll also be the things
that happen to you.
<i>No, I'm not saying you can't take action
to affect the outcome of your life.
<i>You have to take action, and you will.
<i>But never forget that, on any day,
<i>you could step out the front door
and your whole life can change forever.
<i>You see, the universe has a plan, kids,
and that plan is always in motion.
<i>A butterfly flaps its wings,
<i>and it starts to rain.
<i>It's a scary thought,
but it's also kind of wonderful.
<i>All these little parts of the machine
constantly working,
<i>making sure that you end up
exactly where you're supposed to be,
<i>exactly when you're supposed
to be there.
<i>The right place at the right time.
<i>Kids, it's a miracle
that I ended up on that street corner,
<i>especially when you consider how easy
it would have been not to end up there.
<i>I mean, for instance, when I first
stepped out of the apartment,
<i>I almost went right instead of left.
<i>Why didn't I go right?
<i>Well, to answer that,
we have to go back a few days.
<i>As you know, back then,
your Aunt Robin hosted a morning show.
Now Eunice here
makes all of these purses herself.
They are hand-embroidered
with the world's finest silk.
And each one takes months to make.
I cannot emphasize
how much work goes into...
Go to weather, you idiot.
Hey, everybody.
We got a high-pressure system
coming in from the west and...
On the plus side,
I bought the cutest purse today.
So, wait, why did you throw up?
- You don't want to know.
- Come on. Tell me.
I'm pregnant.
I will raise this child with you.
You are not alone in this.
We can even get married if you want,
but I'd still want to see other girls,
so it'd have to be
one of those kinds of marriages.
God, stop it.
I'm not pregnant. It's food poisoning. God!
I ate something from this place,
and three hours later,
I was spewing like an open hydrant.
- God. From where?
- Well, that's a gross question.
No, where was the food from?
Oh.
- I don't want to tell you.
- What?
Ted, Ted! Go to YouTube. Put in
"Robin Scherbatsky, morning show, vomit. "
Oh, hey, Robin. Home so soon?
- Someone already put it on YouTube?
- Yeah. Someone.
So, why you been throwing up?
You pregnant?
Yeah, Barney. I'm pregnant.
So, wait, why won't you tell me
where you got food poisoning?
You love this place.
If I tell you, it'll just ruin it.
- Okay. That makes sense.
- Yeah.
Don't tell me.
Is it that Indian place
where the cat jumps on all the tables?
- I'm not saying.
- That Spanish place with the baby's crib
- in the middle of the restaurant?
- I'm not saying.
God, no. No, no, no.
Is it this place? Tell me, damn you!
- Fine, you really want to know?
- Yes!
- It's Schlegel's Bagels.
- No!
Why did you tell me that?
Schlegel's? Thanks a lot, Robin.
Now I'm gonna have to try
to find another place in New York
that serves bagels.
<i>So, you see, kids, if I had gone
to Schlegel's Bagels, as usual,
<i>I would have taken a right.
<i>I would have gotten a bagel,
<i>gone home,
worked on the old hat building,
and you kids might never have been born.
<i>But I turned left instead, to go
to my second-favorite bagel place,
<i>and the rest is history.
<i>Of course, I stopped
at that magazine stand on the way.
<i>Why did I stop there? Here's why.
Yes.
Yes!
<i>Bro's Life magazine.
Page 83. Check it.
"What your paintball gun says
about your personality. "
Below that.
"That last five pounds.
How to get her to lose them. "
Above that.
"Petra Petrova. "
Petra Petrova.
<i>Bro's Life magazine's
Girl of the Year for May.
A delicate flower in stiletto pumps
and leopard panties, straddling an ATV.
These magazines are so lame.
I mean, she's probably
airbrushed and enhanced.
- I have a date with her.
- You are my hero! Are you serious?
- How do you have a date with her?
- Not part of the story.
Ted, I have been waiting
a long time to say this.
This girl is the one.
Of course, she's the one.
You have to marry those.
Her.
Marry?
No. I have something much,
much more special in mind.
Petra here, if all goes well,
will be my... Wait for it... 200th.
Sorry, I couldn't wait. It's all too exciting.
Your 200th, as in "sex with"?
As in "sex with. "
I request the highest of fives.
Not if I was wearing a HazMat suit.
Two hundred is too many.
Oh. Right, 'cause there can be
too many of something wonderful.
"Hey, Babe Ruth, easy, big fella.
Let's not hit too many homers. "
<i>"Hey, Steve Guttenberg, maybe just make
three Police Academy movies.
"America's laughed enough. "
Who are these girls?
That was rhetorical.
Don't show me the list.
A hundred and ninety-nine
satisfied customers.
Anyway, the big night is Thursday.
I'm having a celebratory soirée
beforehand at MacLaren's.
Prepare a toast.
Black tie optional, but preferred.
Gifts are, look, I would say unnecessary,
but follow your heart.
Barney, 200's too many.
- It's not too many.
- It's too many!
- It's not too many.
- Thank you.
No, don't get me wrong.
You're disgusting, and the cops should
probably clamp a boot on your genitals,
but that number should be higher.
After Barney told me about all this,
I crunched the numbers and, well,
I had some charts made up.
Barney here hits on
roughly 20 girls a week.
Whoa! It's way more than 20.
And B. Smooth don't do nothing roughly.
Let's say 20. So, 20 girls a week
means 1,040 girls a year.
In Barney's 16 years of sexual activity,
that means he's hit on 16,640 girls.
Now, if he's bedded 199 of them,
that's a success rate of
a little over one percent.
That's a batting average of 12,
eight times worse than
the career batting average
of one-handed pitcher,
that's right, pitcher, Jim Abbott.
Jealous. Jealous.
Hero.
Suspiciously quiet
during this conversation
about number of sex partners.
Hero.
It's the grand total.
That's the only number that matters.
- Says who?
- Matthew Panning,
the stud of Port Richmond Middle School.
Stinson, you're such a dweeb-o.
I bet you never even done it with a girl.
Neither have you.
How many times do I have to explain this?
I've done it with 100 girls.
They're seventh graders
at my cousin's school on Long Island.
Well, you know what, Matthew?
Someday, I'm gonna do it with 200.
Yeah. Call me when that happens.
And call him I will.
I think he's gonna say it again really slow.
Call him
I will.
Hey, you listed Gaby Allan twice,
as 78 and 162.
What? Let me see.
Seven... One... Oh, my God.
Wait I... I counted the same girl twice?
That means I'm only at 198?
Well, that only means that you're half
a percent less gross than we thought.
I'm seducing a Czech supermodel
in two hours.
I can't squander that on 199.
Petra has to be 200.
Well, what are you gonna do?
I mean, it's not like
you're gonna find someone new
to have sex with in the next two hours.
Hi, Barney Stinson, millionaire astronaut.
Wanna come back to my place
and see some moon shells?
Go away.
I just got back from my wife's grave.
Put her in the ground a year ago today.
Man, I miss her.
I sure could use some comfort.
You're creepy.
Man, aren't you sick of all the games?
I just want to settle down
and have a gaggle of rug rats,
like, right now.
I have Mace, and I enjoy using it.
Marshall.
Knowing how important this is to me,
do you think Lily would even consider...
- And by the way, I would do all the work...
- I will end your life.
Right.
Where'd Barney go? It's been over an hour.
You know,
looking over the names on this list,
I'm not sensing a lot of ethnic diversity.
He should really look at that in himself.
Okay. All done.
One hundred and ninety-nine down,
one more to go.
Hey, you done with your drink?
There's the stuff.
What the hell happened to you?
So, there's this girl at my gym, Pauline.
She's been after me for some time.
- Why'd you wait until now?
- She's not exactly my type.
Looking good, Pauline.
You are gonna rip it up
at the Women's Pumping Iron Classic
in Sarasota this fall.
So, I was thinking about you and me,
and if you're still interested...
- Okay, blondie, time for Mama's cardio.
- Sweet Mommy!
Every inch of her
tasted like roast beef and creatine.
But I did it.
I did it, and I still have 30 minutes
before I'm supposed to meet Petra.
Robin, do you have any concealer handy?
I'd really like to cover up
some bruises and razor burn.
Barney,
- I hate to break this to you, but...
- What?
Well, you did count Gaby Allan twice,
but you also went from 138 to 138.
You used the same number twice.
Wait, so that means
Pauline wasn't 199, Pauline was 200?
Congratulations!
No! Hey, that was supposed to be Petra!
Petra was supposed to be 200!
Gorgeous, feminine,
doesn't-wear-a-weight-belt-in-bed Petra!
- Hey, come on. You made it to 200.
Yeah.
You should be proud.
You should be tested,
but you should be proud.
Who cares if Pauline doesn't pose
for bikini pictures in magazines?
Actually, she does.
<i>She's gonna be in next week's issue
of Muscle Sexxy.
And, like many of the ladies
in that magazine,
"Sexxy" has two X's and one Y.
<i>And so,
on my way to get a bagel,
<i>I stopped at a newsstand for a full minute
to check out a picture of Barney's 200th.
Barney!
<i>If I hadn't done that,
I would've walked right by the newsstand,
<i>cut down 77th
and gotten to that corner a minute early.
<i>I would've gotten the bagel,
done some work,
and you kids might never have been born.
<i>Now, why did I cut down 77th
and give a dollar to the homeless guy?
<i>Here's why.
<i>Back when Marshall first started working
at Goliath National Bank...
Hi.
Fran, I don't mean to bother you,
but I have a big presentation tomorrow,
and it would really help if I could get,
like, some charts and graphs made up.
- Could you help me with that?
- Honey, this is the graphics department.
We can make as many graphs,
as many charts, in as many colors,
on as many kinds of paper as you want.
Oh, Fran.
Oh, Franny, Franny, Fran.
We are gonna have some fun.
I ranked the presidents
in order of how dirty their names sound.
One, Johnson.
Two, Bush.
Three, Harding.
Four, Polk.
This circle represents
"People Who Are Breaking My Heart,"
and this circle represents
"People Who Are Shaking
My Confidence Daily. "
And where they overlap,
Cecilia.
This is a pie chart
describing my favorite bars.
And this is a bar graph
describing my favorite pies.
What's going on?
- Enough with the charts.
- And the graphs.
Really, any visual representation of data.
I'm not an idiot. Okay?
I know how you guys feel
about my charts and my graphs.
As a matter of fact, I've made a chart
of your reaction to my charts.
Let's take a look. Yes, it is true.
Since Cecilia, your interest in my charts
has been steadily dropping.
But, based on recent trends,
I have also made
a projection chart!
And look, huge spike in interest coming!
And this isn't just some dead cat bounce.
This is big, sustainable growth
over the long term.
You're a big, sustainable growth.
Okay. So, I have prepared a few charts
to demonstrate how setting up
a shell corporation in Bermuda
could help minimize
our second-quarter losses
and save you all some jail time.
To begin with...
Could you just please excuse me?
- Mosbius Designs.
- What the hell happened to my charts?
- We threw them away.
- What?
That's how an intervention
works, Marshall.
You wouldn't stop using,
so we flushed your stash.
Come on, Ted! I need my charts, man!
Just for today, and then I promise
I will never ever use charts again.
I'm under a lot of pressure here.
I need my charts, Jack!
My God, you're doing charts at work?
They're for work, you idiot!
I'm giving a big presentation right now,
and if I don't have those charts,
I'm gonna get fired!
Oh, crap. Okay, stay right there.
I'll bring them to you.
Hurry up!
I'll try to think of a way to stall them.
Hi. Okay.
I'm sorry, but there's been
a little delay with the charts.
But we will get started in just a minute.
Fish are weird, right?
I mean, what's up with fish?
Charts! Get your charts here!
Oh! Excuse me, Milt.
I think those are my charts.
- These charts?
- Yeah.
On my blanket?
That's also my blanket.
We'll get to that later.
- But I really need these charts.
- Oh good, 'cause they're for sale.
Fine, how much?
One million dollars.
- I'll give you five bucks.
- A million dollars.
No one's gonna pay
a million dollars for these charts.
One million dollars.
Okay, Milt, you win.
I'm gonna give you one million dollars.
Urinating...
The problem is, the ATM...
The alien time machine.
The alien time machine
has a withdrawal limit.
So, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna give you one dollar a day,
for a million days.
That's...
- That's 2,700 years.
- Yeah.
Deal!
Okay.
Sucker.
I'm sorry, is there a land bass
I don't know about?
Let's get started.
<i>And so, if I hadn't
bought those charts back for Marshall,
<i>I wouldn't have had to cut down 77th
to give Milt his daily dollar
<i>and, well, you know the rest.
Thank you.
<i>So, there you have it, kids.
<i>There's a lot of little reasons
why the big things in our lives happen.
<i>If I had known then where
all those little things were leading me,
<i>and how grateful I'd be to get there,
<i>well, I probably would've done something
<i>like this.
<i>Hey, hey, glad girls
only want to get you high
<i>Hey, hey, glad girls
only want to get you high
<i>Hey, hey, glad girls
only want to get you high
<i>And they're all right
And they're all right
<i>And they're all right
And they're all right
<i>Glad girls only want to get you high
<i>And they're all right
And they're all right
<i>Because, somehow, I ended up
in the right place at the right time.
<i>And, as a result,
my life would never be the same.
<i>The next day, Uncle Barney
finally confronted Matthew Panning,
<i>the stud of Port Richmond Middle School.
So, Barney, great to hear from you
after all this time.
- What's been going on?
- I've had sex with 200 women.
Oh God! That's way too many.
I mean, that's just gross.
Have you sought counseling
for sex addiction?
Because you're a prime candidate.
Have you sought counseling
for I win-you lose?
Yeah, suddenly those 100 girls
you nailed in the seventh grade
aren't so impressive.
A hundred girls?
Is that what this is about?
- Barney, I lied.
- Sure you did.
I was 12. Of course I was lying.
I didn't have a pet Ewok, either.
Sure you didn't.
Your whole adult life has been built around
something I lied about when I was 12?
Jealous?
Look, I gotta go pick my kids up at school.
It sounds like you got a lot of problems.
Good luck, I guess.
I'm awesome.
Okay, 200.
Now what?
I was on the verge of scoring
<i>my first big client
as an independent architect.
<i>I was willing to do anything
to make it happen.
Here's what we want, son. It's real simple.
We're opening a restaurant
called Rib Town,
and we want it to be shaped
like a cowboy hat.
<i>Anything.
A cowboy hat?
That's brilliant. I love it!
I mean, nothing says delicious
like the inside of a cowboy hat, right?
Look, I'm telling you, I'm your guy. I...
I think I was born to design this building.
I just...
I see it.
I don't see it. I don't see it. I don't see it.
Hey.
What's so good about it?
Uh-oh. Up all night?
I told these guys
I have a vision for this thing.
They want to see a pitch in a week,
and I got nothing.
- Oh, it's cute.
- Cute?
- Yeah.
- Robin,
I could be designing
concert halls and bridges.
Bridges so beautiful
they could be in museums.
And I could design those museums.
But what am I designing instead?
What has my career come to?
A two-story Stetson
with outdoor dining on the brim.
It's a sick cosmic joke.
The universe is conspiring against me.
Oh, you just need to get out of the house.
Take a walk. Get a bagel.
Yeah. Yeah, that'll solve everything.
I haven't slept for 34 hours,
but a bagel is the answer.
A cinnamon-raisin bagel
with a little cream cheese.
Actually, that sounds pretty good.
I'm going to get a bagel.
Bring an umbrella. It's supposed to rain,
according to Galoshes, our weather clown.
Your show has a clown
who does the weather?
- That's a little cheesy, don't you think?
- Yeah.
And what's that restaurant
you're designing shaped like, Hoss?
Fine. You want me out of the house,
I'll get out of the house.
Uh-huh.
Can't wait to see what the universe
has lined up for me out there.
<i>Kids, I've been telling you
the story of how I met your mother.
<i>And while there's many things
to learn from this story,
<i>this may be the biggest.
<i>The great moments of your life
won't necessarily be the things you do.
<i>They'll also be the things
that happen to you.
<i>No, I'm not saying you can't take action
to affect the outcome of your life.
<i>You have to take action, and you will.
<i>But never forget that, on any day,
<i>you could step out the front door
and your whole life can change forever.
<i>You see, the universe has a plan, kids,
and that plan is always in motion.
<i>A butterfly flaps its wings,
<i>and it starts to rain.
<i>It's a scary thought,
but it's also kind of wonderful.
<i>All these little parts of the machine
constantly working,
<i>making sure that you end up
exactly where you're supposed to be,
<i>exactly when you're supposed
to be there.
<i>The right place at the right time.
<i>Kids, it's a miracle
that I ended up on that street corner,
<i>especially when you consider how easy
it would have been not to end up there.
<i>I mean, for instance, when I first
stepped out of the apartment,
<i>I almost went right instead of left.
<i>Why didn't I go right?
<i>Well, to answer that,
we have to go back a few days.
<i>As you know, back then,
your Aunt Robin hosted a morning show.
Now Eunice here
makes all of these purses herself.
They are hand-embroidered
with the world's finest silk.
And each one takes months to make.
I cannot emphasize
how much work goes into...
Go to weather, you idiot.
Hey, everybody.
We got a high-pressure system
coming in from the west and...
On the plus side,
I bought the cutest purse today.
So, wait, why did you throw up?
- You don't want to know.
- Come on. Tell me.
I'm pregnant.
I will raise this child with you.
You are not alone in this.
We can even get married if you want,
but I'd still want to see other girls,
so it'd have to be
one of those kinds of marriages.
God, stop it.
I'm not pregnant. It's food poisoning. God!
I ate something from this place,
and three hours later,
I was spewing like an open hydrant.
- God. From where?
- Well, that's a gross question.
No, where was the food from?
Oh.
- I don't want to tell you.
- What?
Ted, Ted! Go to YouTube. Put in
"Robin Scherbatsky, morning show, vomit. "
Oh, hey, Robin. Home so soon?
- Someone already put it on YouTube?
- Yeah. Someone.
So, why you been throwing up?
You pregnant?
Yeah, Barney. I'm pregnant.
So, wait, why won't you tell me
where you got food poisoning?
You love this place.
If I tell you, it'll just ruin it.
- Okay. That makes sense.
- Yeah.
Don't tell me.
Is it that Indian place
where the cat jumps on all the tables?
- I'm not saying.
- That Spanish place with the baby's crib
- in the middle of the restaurant?
- I'm not saying.
God, no. No, no, no.
Is it this place? Tell me, damn you!
- Fine, you really want to know?
- Yes!
- It's Schlegel's Bagels.
- No!
Why did you tell me that?
Schlegel's? Thanks a lot, Robin.
Now I'm gonna have to try
to find another place in New York
that serves bagels.
<i>So, you see, kids, if I had gone
to Schlegel's Bagels, as usual,
<i>I would have taken a right.
<i>I would have gotten a bagel,
<i>gone home,
worked on the old hat building,
and you kids might never have been born.
<i>But I turned left instead, to go
to my second-favorite bagel place,
<i>and the rest is history.
<i>Of course, I stopped
at that magazine stand on the way.
<i>Why did I stop there? Here's why.
Yes.
Yes!
<i>Bro's Life magazine.
Page 83. Check it.
"What your paintball gun says
about your personality. "
Below that.
"That last five pounds.
How to get her to lose them. "
Above that.
"Petra Petrova. "
Petra Petrova.
<i>Bro's Life magazine's
Girl of the Year for May.
A delicate flower in stiletto pumps
and leopard panties, straddling an ATV.
These magazines are so lame.
I mean, she's probably
airbrushed and enhanced.
- I have a date with her.
- You are my hero! Are you serious?
- How do you have a date with her?
- Not part of the story.
Ted, I have been waiting
a long time to say this.
This girl is the one.
Of course, she's the one.
You have to marry those.
Her.
Marry?
No. I have something much,
much more special in mind.
Petra here, if all goes well,
will be my... Wait for it... 200th.
Sorry, I couldn't wait. It's all too exciting.
Your 200th, as in "sex with"?
As in "sex with. "
I request the highest of fives.
Not if I was wearing a HazMat suit.
Two hundred is too many.
Oh. Right, 'cause there can be
too many of something wonderful.
"Hey, Babe Ruth, easy, big fella.
Let's not hit too many homers. "
<i>"Hey, Steve Guttenberg, maybe just make
three Police Academy movies.
"America's laughed enough. "
Who are these girls?
That was rhetorical.
Don't show me the list.
A hundred and ninety-nine
satisfied customers.
Anyway, the big night is Thursday.
I'm having a celebratory soirée
beforehand at MacLaren's.
Prepare a toast.
Black tie optional, but preferred.
Gifts are, look, I would say unnecessary,
but follow your heart.
Barney, 200's too many.
- It's not too many.
- It's too many!
- It's not too many.
- Thank you.
No, don't get me wrong.
You're disgusting, and the cops should
probably clamp a boot on your genitals,
but that number should be higher.
After Barney told me about all this,
I crunched the numbers and, well,
I had some charts made up.
Barney here hits on
roughly 20 girls a week.
Whoa! It's way more than 20.
And B. Smooth don't do nothing roughly.
Let's say 20. So, 20 girls a week
means 1,040 girls a year.
In Barney's 16 years of sexual activity,
that means he's hit on 16,640 girls.
Now, if he's bedded 199 of them,
that's a success rate of
a little over one percent.
That's a batting average of 12,
eight times worse than
the career batting average
of one-handed pitcher,
that's right, pitcher, Jim Abbott.
Jealous. Jealous.
Hero.
Suspiciously quiet
during this conversation
about number of sex partners.
Hero.
It's the grand total.
That's the only number that matters.
- Says who?
- Matthew Panning,
the stud of Port Richmond Middle School.
Stinson, you're such a dweeb-o.
I bet you never even done it with a girl.
Neither have you.
How many times do I have to explain this?
I've done it with 100 girls.
They're seventh graders
at my cousin's school on Long Island.
Well, you know what, Matthew?
Someday, I'm gonna do it with 200.
Yeah. Call me when that happens.
And call him I will.
I think he's gonna say it again really slow.
Call him
I will.
Hey, you listed Gaby Allan twice,
as 78 and 162.
What? Let me see.
Seven... One... Oh, my God.
Wait I... I counted the same girl twice?
That means I'm only at 198?
Well, that only means that you're half
a percent less gross than we thought.
I'm seducing a Czech supermodel
in two hours.
I can't squander that on 199.
Petra has to be 200.
Well, what are you gonna do?
I mean, it's not like
you're gonna find someone new
to have sex with in the next two hours.
Hi, Barney Stinson, millionaire astronaut.
Wanna come back to my place
and see some moon shells?
Go away.
I just got back from my wife's grave.
Put her in the ground a year ago today.
Man, I miss her.
I sure could use some comfort.
You're creepy.
Man, aren't you sick of all the games?
I just want to settle down
and have a gaggle of rug rats,
like, right now.
I have Mace, and I enjoy using it.
Marshall.
Knowing how important this is to me,
do you think Lily would even consider...
- And by the way, I would do all the work...
- I will end your life.
Right.
Where'd Barney go? It's been over an hour.
You know,
looking over the names on this list,
I'm not sensing a lot of ethnic diversity.
He should really look at that in himself.
Okay. All done.
One hundred and ninety-nine down,
one more to go.
Hey, you done with your drink?
There's the stuff.
What the hell happened to you?
So, there's this girl at my gym, Pauline.
She's been after me for some time.
- Why'd you wait until now?
- She's not exactly my type.
Looking good, Pauline.
You are gonna rip it up
at the Women's Pumping Iron Classic
in Sarasota this fall.
So, I was thinking about you and me,
and if you're still interested...
- Okay, blondie, time for Mama's cardio.
- Sweet Mommy!
Every inch of her
tasted like roast beef and creatine.
But I did it.
I did it, and I still have 30 minutes
before I'm supposed to meet Petra.
Robin, do you have any concealer handy?
I'd really like to cover up
some bruises and razor burn.
Barney,
- I hate to break this to you, but...
- What?
Well, you did count Gaby Allan twice,
but you also went from 138 to 138.
You used the same number twice.
Wait, so that means
Pauline wasn't 199, Pauline was 200?
Congratulations!
No! Hey, that was supposed to be Petra!
Petra was supposed to be 200!
Gorgeous, feminine,
doesn't-wear-a-weight-belt-in-bed Petra!
- Hey, come on. You made it to 200.
Yeah.
You should be proud.
You should be tested,
but you should be proud.
Who cares if Pauline doesn't pose
for bikini pictures in magazines?
Actually, she does.
<i>She's gonna be in next week's issue
of Muscle Sexxy.
And, like many of the ladies
in that magazine,
"Sexxy" has two X's and one Y.
<i>And so,
on my way to get a bagel,
<i>I stopped at a newsstand for a full minute
to check out a picture of Barney's 200th.
Barney!
<i>If I hadn't done that,
I would've walked right by the newsstand,
<i>cut down 77th
and gotten to that corner a minute early.
<i>I would've gotten the bagel,
done some work,
and you kids might never have been born.
<i>Now, why did I cut down 77th
and give a dollar to the homeless guy?
<i>Here's why.
<i>Back when Marshall first started working
at Goliath National Bank...
Hi.
Fran, I don't mean to bother you,
but I have a big presentation tomorrow,
and it would really help if I could get,
like, some charts and graphs made up.
- Could you help me with that?
- Honey, this is the graphics department.
We can make as many graphs,
as many charts, in as many colors,
on as many kinds of paper as you want.
Oh, Fran.
Oh, Franny, Franny, Fran.
We are gonna have some fun.
I ranked the presidents
in order of how dirty their names sound.
One, Johnson.
Two, Bush.
Three, Harding.
Four, Polk.
This circle represents
"People Who Are Breaking My Heart,"
and this circle represents
"People Who Are Shaking
My Confidence Daily. "
And where they overlap,
Cecilia.
This is a pie chart
describing my favorite bars.
And this is a bar graph
describing my favorite pies.
What's going on?
- Enough with the charts.
- And the graphs.
Really, any visual representation of data.
I'm not an idiot. Okay?
I know how you guys feel
about my charts and my graphs.
As a matter of fact, I've made a chart
of your reaction to my charts.
Let's take a look. Yes, it is true.
Since Cecilia, your interest in my charts
has been steadily dropping.
But, based on recent trends,
I have also made
a projection chart!
And look, huge spike in interest coming!
And this isn't just some dead cat bounce.
This is big, sustainable growth
over the long term.
You're a big, sustainable growth.
Okay. So, I have prepared a few charts
to demonstrate how setting up
a shell corporation in Bermuda
could help minimize
our second-quarter losses
and save you all some jail time.
To begin with...
Could you just please excuse me?
- Mosbius Designs.
- What the hell happened to my charts?
- We threw them away.
- What?
That's how an intervention
works, Marshall.
You wouldn't stop using,
so we flushed your stash.
Come on, Ted! I need my charts, man!
Just for today, and then I promise
I will never ever use charts again.
I'm under a lot of pressure here.
I need my charts, Jack!
My God, you're doing charts at work?
They're for work, you idiot!
I'm giving a big presentation right now,
and if I don't have those charts,
I'm gonna get fired!
Oh, crap. Okay, stay right there.
I'll bring them to you.
Hurry up!
I'll try to think of a way to stall them.
Hi. Okay.
I'm sorry, but there's been
a little delay with the charts.
But we will get started in just a minute.
Fish are weird, right?
I mean, what's up with fish?
Charts! Get your charts here!
Oh! Excuse me, Milt.
I think those are my charts.
- These charts?
- Yeah.
On my blanket?
That's also my blanket.
We'll get to that later.
- But I really need these charts.
- Oh good, 'cause they're for sale.
Fine, how much?
One million dollars.
- I'll give you five bucks.
- A million dollars.
No one's gonna pay
a million dollars for these charts.
One million dollars.
Okay, Milt, you win.
I'm gonna give you one million dollars.
Urinating...
The problem is, the ATM...
The alien time machine.
The alien time machine
has a withdrawal limit.
So, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna give you one dollar a day,
for a million days.
That's...
- That's 2,700 years.
- Yeah.
Deal!
Okay.
Sucker.
I'm sorry, is there a land bass
I don't know about?
Let's get started.
<i>And so, if I hadn't
bought those charts back for Marshall,
<i>I wouldn't have had to cut down 77th
to give Milt his daily dollar
<i>and, well, you know the rest.
Thank you.
<i>So, there you have it, kids.
<i>There's a lot of little reasons
why the big things in our lives happen.
<i>If I had known then where
all those little things were leading me,
<i>and how grateful I'd be to get there,
<i>well, I probably would've done something
<i>like this.
<i>Hey, hey, glad girls
only want to get you high
<i>Hey, hey, glad girls
only want to get you high
<i>Hey, hey, glad girls
only want to get you high
<i>And they're all right
And they're all right
<i>And they're all right
And they're all right
<i>Glad girls only want to get you high
<i>And they're all right
And they're all right
<i>Because, somehow, I ended up
in the right place at the right time.
<i>And, as a result,
my life would never be the same.
<i>The next day, Uncle Barney
finally confronted Matthew Panning,
<i>the stud of Port Richmond Middle School.
So, Barney, great to hear from you
after all this time.
- What's been going on?
- I've had sex with 200 women.
Oh God! That's way too many.
I mean, that's just gross.
Have you sought counseling
for sex addiction?
Because you're a prime candidate.
Have you sought counseling
for I win-you lose?
Yeah, suddenly those 100 girls
you nailed in the seventh grade
aren't so impressive.
A hundred girls?
Is that what this is about?
- Barney, I lied.
- Sure you did.
I was 12. Of course I was lying.
I didn't have a pet Ewok, either.
Sure you didn't.
Your whole adult life has been built around
something I lied about when I was 12?
Jealous?
Look, I gotta go pick my kids up at school.
It sounds like you got a lot of problems.
Good luck, I guess.
I'm awesome.
Okay, 200.
Now what?
How I Met Your Mother - S04E21 - The Three Days Rule
Great. So, I'll give you a call.
- Hope you do.
- All right.
- Look at this.
- Hey, I just got that girl's number.
Check it out. Holli.
Nice!
Girls whose names end in "L-Y"
are always dirty.
- Holly, Kelly, Carly, Lily...
- Hey!
Yeah, no, it's true.
Don't even get me started on girls
whose names should end in "Y,"
but instead end in "I."
Those girls are like roller coasters.
You got to wait in a long line,
but once you get up there,
you just hold on for dear life
and hope you don't drop your keys.
Hey, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna call her right now.
I'm gonna do that whole,
"Hey, remember me? It's been so long. "
- See, it's funny, because I just saw her.
- Dude, you can't call her.
You have to wait three days
to call a woman. That's the rule.
Barney, that rule is completely played out.
Girls know exactly what you're doing.
Hey! I got a new rule.
It's kind of crazy, but I call it,
"You like her, you call her. "
I'm sorry, can you repeat that?
I don't speak I-never-get-laid.
Barney, the three-days rule is insane.
I mean, who even came up with that?
Jesus.
Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Seriously. Jesus started the whole
wait three days thing.
He waited three days to come back to life.
It was perfect.
If he'd have only waited one day,
a lot of people wouldn't have even heard
that he died.
They'd be all, "Hey, Jesus, what up?"
And Jesus would probably be like,
"What up? I died yesterday. "
And then they'd be all,
"You look pretty alive to me, dude. "
And then Jesus would have to explain
how he was resurrected,
and how it was a miracle.
And then the dude would be like,
"Okay, whatever you say, bro. "
Wow, ancient dialogue
sounds so stilted now.
And he's not gonna come back
on a Saturday.
Everybody's busy doing chores.
Working the loom, trimming their beards.
No. He waits
the exact right number of days.
Three.
Okay, I promise, I'll wait three days.
Just please stop talking.
Plus, it's Sunday,
so everyone's in church already.
They're all in there,
"Oh, no, Jesus is dead. "
Then, bam! He bursts through
the back door, runs up the aisle.
Everyone's totally psyched. And FYI,
that's when he invented the high-five.
Three days, Ted.
We wait three days to call a woman,
because that's how long
Jesus wants us to wait.
True story.
Okay, fine. I promise.
I won't call Holli for three days.
<i>But I never said anything about texting.
<i>I started things off
with something cute and charming.
<i>"I was thinking about you,
<i>"so I thought
I'd send you a little texty text. "
<i>And the moment I hit "Send,"
I realized it wasn't cute at all.
<i>It was the lamest thing
anyone has ever said to anyone.
<i>And the worst thing about texting
is that once you send it...
Oh!
No!
<i>you can never get it back.
<i>And then, you wait.
<i>And just when you've decided
never to text anyone ever again...
<i>HOLLl: "I've been thinking about you, too,
<i>"and how weird is it that you texted me
while I was in the bath?"
- What was that?
- What?
- You made a noise.
- That was my phone. I got a text.
Not that. You made your naked lady noise.
- What?
- Whenever you see a naked lady,
you make the noise...
- I don't do that.
- Really?
Oh God, sorry, Lily.
<i>While the men are out hunting,
<i>the women of New Guinea's
indigenous Korowai tribe
<i>wash their clothes in the river.
That's totally a boob.
Is that Holli who keeps texting you?
Didn't you promise to wait three days?
To call, yes. Texting is totally different.
Okay, well, just try to keep
the naked lady noises to a minimum.
I don't make a naked lady noise.
Really?
<i>Holli and I stayed up texting
until 2:00 in the morning.
<i>And we spent the whole next day
texting each other, too.
<i>She seemed perfect.
Oh wow. Holli just told me
what she's wearing right now.
It is pretty hot.
Yeah, whatever it is,
I can guarantee you she's not wearing it.
- She's lying to you to make you like her.
- How do you know that?
Mmm.
Because no woman
in the history of the world is ever
"just sitting around
reading architecture magazines
"in my old cheerleader uniform. "
Okay, maybe she's lying
about the architecture magazines.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, no.
- Oh, no, this is bad.
- What?
She just sent me a text
that was clearly meant for someone else.
"Hey, baby, I picked up some take out
from Generro's. Be home soon. "
Okay, yes, this sounds bad,
but let's think about this, okay?
It could be for a brother
or maybe her sick dad.
Scroll down.
"And then I want you
to do me on the couch. "
Okay, maybe not a sick dad.
Or a very sick dad. Am I right?
Sorry.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What is this?
Oh. It's some take out from Generro's.
I'm bringing it home for Lily.
That's weird. Holli just texted Ted
something about take out from Generro's.
Wait a second.
You sons of bitches!
What?
You're Holli.
So Ted hasn't been texting Holli at all?
He's been texting you two?
Look, we knew he'd try to call her
before the three days,
so I swiped his phone
and I changed her number to my work cell.
We were just gonna bust on him
for calling her too soon,
but then he started texting her.
"Texty text"?
Oh Ted. Oh poor, sweet Ted. We should...
- We should tell him it's us.
- Yeah.
Or...
We pretend we're Holli,
and we're in the bath.
Yeah, that's better.
That was fun.
- We should tell him that it's us.
- Yeah, we should.
Or...
We tell him our favorite color is red,
and we think the "cowboy" look
is very sexy.
Yeah, that's better.
<i>I'm wearing them right now,
and they do look sexy.
- He put on the boots!
- He totally put on the boots!
That was awesome!
But it's time to tell him
who he really put those boots on for.
Yeah. Or...
We just took off our shirt.
Yeah, that's better.
You think maybe we're wearing
a black lace bra underneath?
I don't think
we're wearing anything underneath.
God, we're hot.
Now he's only wearing the cowboy boots!
- It is on!
- It is so on!
Okay, tell him that we're slowly
slipping out of our...
What are we doing?
I think that we're
about to have sex with Ted.
So you did this to him all day?
That's just mean.
No! No, no,
it was actually for his own good.
We're protecting him from himself.
He really likes this girl.
He had that look in his eye.
Yeah, that crazy "I'm about
to move too fast and screw this up" look.
It was actually the same look he had
on his first date with you.
- We all remember how that went.
- Yeah.
- I think I'm in love with you.
- What?
Yeah, well, I think I was a special case.
This Holli is no Robin Scherbatsky.
And what is the deal with her hair?
I mean, newsflash,
they make conditioners
that don't leave a buildup.
I'm so bad.
Look, it's been a while
since Ted really liked someone.
He's clearly got a lot of crazy stored up.
We just...
We thought
we'd get him to say, "I love you"
before he makes contact with this girl.
And you can tell it's on the way.
He's exhibiting all the telltale signs.
Yeah. One, he joked about getting married.
"You like architecture?
We should get married.
"Ha-ha. LOL. Just kidding. Question mark. "
Two, he made a crazy
way-too-soon trip suggestion.
"I like beer, too.
"We should totally
go to Germany together.
"LOL. JK. LOL."
And three,
he got way too personal way too soon.
"Yeah, my parents got divorced
a couple years back.
"It was really tough.
"LOL."
And he clearly doesn't know
what LOL means.
Yeah, but here's the real problem.
Ted wasn't saying, "I love you"
as easily as we thought he would.
Then we met Stan.
Why are you making so much noise, man?
So we explained everything to him,
and when we were done,
something amazing happened.
Why don't you tell Ted
that just knowing he's out there
thinking about you, caring about you,
makes you feel safe?
So all your fears,
all your yesterdays wash away,
and only hope remains
in the promise of his embrace.
- Wow. Go, Stan! Who is this guy?
- He's a security guard who works nights.
And he eats lunch at MacLaren's
every day.
- And he wasn't done.
- Not by a long shot.
You make me thank God
for every mistake I ever made
because each one led me down the path
that brought me to you.
That's, like, really nice, man.
Whatever. It's okay.
<i>HOLLl: "And when we finally come
together, I want you to hold me. "
Hold me all night. Stroke my hair.
Tell me I'm a woman
and show me you're a man.
Until there was only now.
You and I and now.
Yes!
You want me to text that to Ted.
I know that.
<i>HOLLl: "I do not ask
of the night explanations
<i>"I wait for it and it envelops me
<i>"And so you and bread and light
And shadow are"
That's Pablo Neruda.
I don't know
what bread was doing in there,
but that touched me here
and here.
Well, if Ted won't say it, I will.
I love you.
That's cool.
- Still nothing, huh?
- Maybe he's not in love with us.
How can he not be in love with us?
We're everything he's looking for.
I don't get men.
Gotta head to work.
Will you be back?
I'll be back when the wind
and fates and chance bring me back.
Which will be tomorrow.
It's cheese steak day.
Wow! It sounds like
you were all over this guy.
Hope his girlfriend didn't get jealous.
Did he mention a girlfriend, or...
It was all going great,
until Marshall sent Ted
a text meant for Lily
- and ruined everything.
- Well, it doesn't matter, okay?
It's over now. I gotta get going,
but here's what's gonna happen.
You're going to call him right now,
tell him what you did, and apologize.
- You got it?
- Yes.
Or...
Holli explained everything.
It was all just a misunderstanding.
- Everything's great now.
- Really?
How did Holli explain her way
out of that one?
Well, apparently, her dumb friend Marsha
accidentally used her phone
- to text her husband, Billy.
- Marsha and Billy.
No one sprained any muscles there.
And now we are better than ever.
Look, I know this sounds crazy,
but I think I might actually
be falling for this girl.
- You're falling for Barney and Marshall.
- What?
They didn't believe
that you could wait the three days,
so Barney changed her number
in your phone to his work cell.
Holli is Barney and Marshall.
Wait, that whole time, it was them?
<i>So Holli wasn't in the bath?
<i>Or sitting by her window, looking up
at the stars, thinking about me?
<i>Or lounging in her old cheerleader uniform,
reading architecture magazines?
Yeah. I don't think
they actually did those things.
They were just at the bar.
- Right.
- But, yeah, it was them.
- Unbelievable!
- I know.
So you might as well tell them
you're on to them.
Yeah.
Or...
I text them something
that'll really mess with their heads.
Oh I gotcha. Okay. How about,
"I haven't told any of my friends yet,
but I only have three months to live"?
Not bad. How about,
"I once killed a man with a shovel,
"and those feelings
are creeping up again"?
Uh-huh. I liked that thing someone said
before about having three months to live.
How about, "I've never told anyone this,
but I slept with my best friend's mom"?
That is good,
but I feel like we keep coming back
to that three-months-to-live thing.
- Wait. I think I got it.
- Yeah?
He texted back!
"I probably shouldn't tell you this.
"I mean, we barely know each other.
"But what the hell, I'll just say it. "
This is it, dude.
Here comes the "I love you. "
- I wish Stan were here.
- Stan.
- Whoa!
- What?
"I sometimes have gay dreams
about my best friend. "
"I sometimes have gay dreams
about my best friend. "
Why in the world would Ted text
a girl he barely knows
that he sometimes
has gay dreams about me?
Whoa, whoa, slow your roll.
You? He's clearly talking about me.
- Dude, it's me. I'm his best friend.
- Okay. One, that has never been proven.
Two, if anyone were to have gay dreams
about one of us, it would be me.
I mean, look at me. Now look at you.
A still-in-the-closet 80-year-old
wouldn't be into that mess.
Here's the thing, Barney.
I'm snuggly. You're not.
Who wouldn't want to snuggle up next
to this business on a Sunday morning?
Wrapped in a comforter,
and it's raining outside,
and there's muffins warming in the oven.
I'm cuddly, bitch. Deal with it.
I work out every day.
If there is one thing we know about Ted,
it's that he likes a nice body.
This body would rock his world.
Ted and I have a history.
I know what he likes.
There are things I could do to him
that would blow his mind...
Why do we keep trying
to have sex with Ted?
I don't know. It's weird.
Crazy, right?
Ted's having gay dreams about me?
And by me, he means M-E,
Marshall Eriksen,
star of Ted's gay dreams.
Who cares? So Ted has gay dreams
about one of you guys.
It's not like you found out
he has three months to live.
That's, like, shocking, right?
Whoa! Take a look at this guy.
How's it going, best friend of 12 years?
Well, it's kind of weird,
but I had this crazy dream the other night.
It's a little embarrassing.
You can tell us, Ted. This is a safe space.
Yeah, your feelings
are perfectly natural, buddy.
Okay. Here's what happened.
So I'm at the...
<i>And then I proceeded to waste
a half hour of those bastards'lives,
<i>telling them about this dream I had
<i>where I ate dinner with my top five
favorite architects throughout history.
And then, at the end of the meal,
Frank Gehry slides the check
over to I.M. Pei, and he says,
"Buddy, tonight, your name is I.M. Paying. "
Buckminster Fuller almost did a spit take.
And then I woke up.
So, that's it?
No other dreams?
Nothing confusing or erotic?
No.
Okay, how about this? Ted, you know how,
at some point in the future,
- machines will rise up against us?
- Sure.
Okay. So the machines,
they've killed everybody,
and all that's left is you,
me,
and Barney.
Which one of us would you, like,
get with?
And why do I have to
"get with" one of you?
The machines are forcing you.
They want to watch.
That's just how they get down.
That's a tough one.
I guess it would have to be...
Holli.
Robin told me what you guys did.
That's why I made up
the gay dreams thing.
- Guys, this is Holli.
- Hi.
And I didn't wait
your precious three days to call her.
I knew where she worked,
so I tracked her down.
- Let me ask you. Did I call you too soon?
- I love that he called me right away.
I found it very romantic.
And by the way,
I don't sit around my apartment
reading architecture magazines
in my old cheerleader uniform.
I do that completely naked.
So Holli and I are going out to dinner.
- I'll meet you out front.
- Okay.
I'm sorry, buddy.
We were just trying to help you.
And, also, it was really fun.
I don't need your help, okay?
I can take care of myself.
And, yeah, maybe there are some girls
who wouldn't like it
that I called them right away
or said things too soon, but guess what?
Those aren't the right girls for me.
Maybe the right girl is the one
who loves that I do those things because...
That's just who I am,
and I'm not gonna change
because of some stupid three-days rule.
Oh! And Holli spells her name with an "I."
<i>So I had proven
that the three-days rule was wrong,
<i>and I was out to dinner with a pretty girl.
<i>And until right now, I've never told anyone
<i>the truth about what happened
on that date.
That's so funny! I love indie music, too.
We should get married.
Ha, ha.
Just kidding.
Or am I?
Just kidding again!
That's it.
We're totally going to Brazil together!
And I went to my doctor this morning,
and he said it is all cleared up,
so I'm good to go.
I think I'm in love with you, Ted.
<i>In the end, I didn't need to wait
three days, but Holli really, really did.
<i>Like a lot of rules,
there are times to follow them
<i>and times to not. But I will tell you this.
<i>When I got your mother's number,
I called her right away.
- Stan!
- Hey, fellas.
- Stan, aren't you working?
- Took the night off.
- That's great! We can all hang out!
- Yeah!
- I can't. Got a date. You ready, baby?
- Yep.
What the...
Wait, wait. Couldn't you guys
just stay here and do your date with us?
Yeah, it'll be fun!
Look, I'm laughing!
It's fun here! You like magic?
Fellas, it's time we said goodbye.
I mean, we shared
a very special afternoon together,
and that's something I will always cherish.
I'll never forget you guys.
- Do you even know their names?
- No idea. Is the tall one Ted?
- No. That's Marshall. He's married to Lily.
- You like chicken wings?
Oh, yeah!
- Hope you do.
- All right.
- Look at this.
- Hey, I just got that girl's number.
Check it out. Holli.
Nice!
Girls whose names end in "L-Y"
are always dirty.
- Holly, Kelly, Carly, Lily...
- Hey!
Yeah, no, it's true.
Don't even get me started on girls
whose names should end in "Y,"
but instead end in "I."
Those girls are like roller coasters.
You got to wait in a long line,
but once you get up there,
you just hold on for dear life
and hope you don't drop your keys.
Hey, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna call her right now.
I'm gonna do that whole,
"Hey, remember me? It's been so long. "
- See, it's funny, because I just saw her.
- Dude, you can't call her.
You have to wait three days
to call a woman. That's the rule.
Barney, that rule is completely played out.
Girls know exactly what you're doing.
Hey! I got a new rule.
It's kind of crazy, but I call it,
"You like her, you call her. "
I'm sorry, can you repeat that?
I don't speak I-never-get-laid.
Barney, the three-days rule is insane.
I mean, who even came up with that?
Jesus.
Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Seriously. Jesus started the whole
wait three days thing.
He waited three days to come back to life.
It was perfect.
If he'd have only waited one day,
a lot of people wouldn't have even heard
that he died.
They'd be all, "Hey, Jesus, what up?"
And Jesus would probably be like,
"What up? I died yesterday. "
And then they'd be all,
"You look pretty alive to me, dude. "
And then Jesus would have to explain
how he was resurrected,
and how it was a miracle.
And then the dude would be like,
"Okay, whatever you say, bro. "
Wow, ancient dialogue
sounds so stilted now.
And he's not gonna come back
on a Saturday.
Everybody's busy doing chores.
Working the loom, trimming their beards.
No. He waits
the exact right number of days.
Three.
Okay, I promise, I'll wait three days.
Just please stop talking.
Plus, it's Sunday,
so everyone's in church already.
They're all in there,
"Oh, no, Jesus is dead. "
Then, bam! He bursts through
the back door, runs up the aisle.
Everyone's totally psyched. And FYI,
that's when he invented the high-five.
Three days, Ted.
We wait three days to call a woman,
because that's how long
Jesus wants us to wait.
True story.
Okay, fine. I promise.
I won't call Holli for three days.
<i>But I never said anything about texting.
<i>I started things off
with something cute and charming.
<i>"I was thinking about you,
<i>"so I thought
I'd send you a little texty text. "
<i>And the moment I hit "Send,"
I realized it wasn't cute at all.
<i>It was the lamest thing
anyone has ever said to anyone.
<i>And the worst thing about texting
is that once you send it...
Oh!
No!
<i>you can never get it back.
<i>And then, you wait.
<i>And just when you've decided
never to text anyone ever again...
<i>HOLLl: "I've been thinking about you, too,
<i>"and how weird is it that you texted me
while I was in the bath?"
- What was that?
- What?
- You made a noise.
- That was my phone. I got a text.
Not that. You made your naked lady noise.
- What?
- Whenever you see a naked lady,
you make the noise...
- I don't do that.
- Really?
Oh God, sorry, Lily.
<i>While the men are out hunting,
<i>the women of New Guinea's
indigenous Korowai tribe
<i>wash their clothes in the river.
That's totally a boob.
Is that Holli who keeps texting you?
Didn't you promise to wait three days?
To call, yes. Texting is totally different.
Okay, well, just try to keep
the naked lady noises to a minimum.
I don't make a naked lady noise.
Really?
<i>Holli and I stayed up texting
until 2:00 in the morning.
<i>And we spent the whole next day
texting each other, too.
<i>She seemed perfect.
Oh wow. Holli just told me
what she's wearing right now.
It is pretty hot.
Yeah, whatever it is,
I can guarantee you she's not wearing it.
- She's lying to you to make you like her.
- How do you know that?
Mmm.
Because no woman
in the history of the world is ever
"just sitting around
reading architecture magazines
"in my old cheerleader uniform. "
Okay, maybe she's lying
about the architecture magazines.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, no.
- Oh, no, this is bad.
- What?
She just sent me a text
that was clearly meant for someone else.
"Hey, baby, I picked up some take out
from Generro's. Be home soon. "
Okay, yes, this sounds bad,
but let's think about this, okay?
It could be for a brother
or maybe her sick dad.
Scroll down.
"And then I want you
to do me on the couch. "
Okay, maybe not a sick dad.
Or a very sick dad. Am I right?
Sorry.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What is this?
Oh. It's some take out from Generro's.
I'm bringing it home for Lily.
That's weird. Holli just texted Ted
something about take out from Generro's.
Wait a second.
You sons of bitches!
What?
You're Holli.
So Ted hasn't been texting Holli at all?
He's been texting you two?
Look, we knew he'd try to call her
before the three days,
so I swiped his phone
and I changed her number to my work cell.
We were just gonna bust on him
for calling her too soon,
but then he started texting her.
"Texty text"?
Oh Ted. Oh poor, sweet Ted. We should...
- We should tell him it's us.
- Yeah.
Or...
We pretend we're Holli,
and we're in the bath.
Yeah, that's better.
That was fun.
- We should tell him that it's us.
- Yeah, we should.
Or...
We tell him our favorite color is red,
and we think the "cowboy" look
is very sexy.
Yeah, that's better.
<i>I'm wearing them right now,
and they do look sexy.
- He put on the boots!
- He totally put on the boots!
That was awesome!
But it's time to tell him
who he really put those boots on for.
Yeah. Or...
We just took off our shirt.
Yeah, that's better.
You think maybe we're wearing
a black lace bra underneath?
I don't think
we're wearing anything underneath.
God, we're hot.
Now he's only wearing the cowboy boots!
- It is on!
- It is so on!
Okay, tell him that we're slowly
slipping out of our...
What are we doing?
I think that we're
about to have sex with Ted.
So you did this to him all day?
That's just mean.
No! No, no,
it was actually for his own good.
We're protecting him from himself.
He really likes this girl.
He had that look in his eye.
Yeah, that crazy "I'm about
to move too fast and screw this up" look.
It was actually the same look he had
on his first date with you.
- We all remember how that went.
- Yeah.
- I think I'm in love with you.
- What?
Yeah, well, I think I was a special case.
This Holli is no Robin Scherbatsky.
And what is the deal with her hair?
I mean, newsflash,
they make conditioners
that don't leave a buildup.
I'm so bad.
Look, it's been a while
since Ted really liked someone.
He's clearly got a lot of crazy stored up.
We just...
We thought
we'd get him to say, "I love you"
before he makes contact with this girl.
And you can tell it's on the way.
He's exhibiting all the telltale signs.
Yeah. One, he joked about getting married.
"You like architecture?
We should get married.
"Ha-ha. LOL. Just kidding. Question mark. "
Two, he made a crazy
way-too-soon trip suggestion.
"I like beer, too.
"We should totally
go to Germany together.
"LOL. JK. LOL."
And three,
he got way too personal way too soon.
"Yeah, my parents got divorced
a couple years back.
"It was really tough.
"LOL."
And he clearly doesn't know
what LOL means.
Yeah, but here's the real problem.
Ted wasn't saying, "I love you"
as easily as we thought he would.
Then we met Stan.
Why are you making so much noise, man?
So we explained everything to him,
and when we were done,
something amazing happened.
Why don't you tell Ted
that just knowing he's out there
thinking about you, caring about you,
makes you feel safe?
So all your fears,
all your yesterdays wash away,
and only hope remains
in the promise of his embrace.
- Wow. Go, Stan! Who is this guy?
- He's a security guard who works nights.
And he eats lunch at MacLaren's
every day.
- And he wasn't done.
- Not by a long shot.
You make me thank God
for every mistake I ever made
because each one led me down the path
that brought me to you.
That's, like, really nice, man.
Whatever. It's okay.
<i>HOLLl: "And when we finally come
together, I want you to hold me. "
Hold me all night. Stroke my hair.
Tell me I'm a woman
and show me you're a man.
Until there was only now.
You and I and now.
Yes!
You want me to text that to Ted.
I know that.
<i>HOLLl: "I do not ask
of the night explanations
<i>"I wait for it and it envelops me
<i>"And so you and bread and light
And shadow are"
That's Pablo Neruda.
I don't know
what bread was doing in there,
but that touched me here
and here.
Well, if Ted won't say it, I will.
I love you.
That's cool.
- Still nothing, huh?
- Maybe he's not in love with us.
How can he not be in love with us?
We're everything he's looking for.
I don't get men.
Gotta head to work.
Will you be back?
I'll be back when the wind
and fates and chance bring me back.
Which will be tomorrow.
It's cheese steak day.
Wow! It sounds like
you were all over this guy.
Hope his girlfriend didn't get jealous.
Did he mention a girlfriend, or...
It was all going great,
until Marshall sent Ted
a text meant for Lily
- and ruined everything.
- Well, it doesn't matter, okay?
It's over now. I gotta get going,
but here's what's gonna happen.
You're going to call him right now,
tell him what you did, and apologize.
- You got it?
- Yes.
Or...
Holli explained everything.
It was all just a misunderstanding.
- Everything's great now.
- Really?
How did Holli explain her way
out of that one?
Well, apparently, her dumb friend Marsha
accidentally used her phone
- to text her husband, Billy.
- Marsha and Billy.
No one sprained any muscles there.
And now we are better than ever.
Look, I know this sounds crazy,
but I think I might actually
be falling for this girl.
- You're falling for Barney and Marshall.
- What?
They didn't believe
that you could wait the three days,
so Barney changed her number
in your phone to his work cell.
Holli is Barney and Marshall.
Wait, that whole time, it was them?
<i>So Holli wasn't in the bath?
<i>Or sitting by her window, looking up
at the stars, thinking about me?
<i>Or lounging in her old cheerleader uniform,
reading architecture magazines?
Yeah. I don't think
they actually did those things.
They were just at the bar.
- Right.
- But, yeah, it was them.
- Unbelievable!
- I know.
So you might as well tell them
you're on to them.
Yeah.
Or...
I text them something
that'll really mess with their heads.
Oh I gotcha. Okay. How about,
"I haven't told any of my friends yet,
but I only have three months to live"?
Not bad. How about,
"I once killed a man with a shovel,
"and those feelings
are creeping up again"?
Uh-huh. I liked that thing someone said
before about having three months to live.
How about, "I've never told anyone this,
but I slept with my best friend's mom"?
That is good,
but I feel like we keep coming back
to that three-months-to-live thing.
- Wait. I think I got it.
- Yeah?
He texted back!
"I probably shouldn't tell you this.
"I mean, we barely know each other.
"But what the hell, I'll just say it. "
This is it, dude.
Here comes the "I love you. "
- I wish Stan were here.
- Stan.
- Whoa!
- What?
"I sometimes have gay dreams
about my best friend. "
"I sometimes have gay dreams
about my best friend. "
Why in the world would Ted text
a girl he barely knows
that he sometimes
has gay dreams about me?
Whoa, whoa, slow your roll.
You? He's clearly talking about me.
- Dude, it's me. I'm his best friend.
- Okay. One, that has never been proven.
Two, if anyone were to have gay dreams
about one of us, it would be me.
I mean, look at me. Now look at you.
A still-in-the-closet 80-year-old
wouldn't be into that mess.
Here's the thing, Barney.
I'm snuggly. You're not.
Who wouldn't want to snuggle up next
to this business on a Sunday morning?
Wrapped in a comforter,
and it's raining outside,
and there's muffins warming in the oven.
I'm cuddly, bitch. Deal with it.
I work out every day.
If there is one thing we know about Ted,
it's that he likes a nice body.
This body would rock his world.
Ted and I have a history.
I know what he likes.
There are things I could do to him
that would blow his mind...
Why do we keep trying
to have sex with Ted?
I don't know. It's weird.
Crazy, right?
Ted's having gay dreams about me?
And by me, he means M-E,
Marshall Eriksen,
star of Ted's gay dreams.
Who cares? So Ted has gay dreams
about one of you guys.
It's not like you found out
he has three months to live.
That's, like, shocking, right?
Whoa! Take a look at this guy.
How's it going, best friend of 12 years?
Well, it's kind of weird,
but I had this crazy dream the other night.
It's a little embarrassing.
You can tell us, Ted. This is a safe space.
Yeah, your feelings
are perfectly natural, buddy.
Okay. Here's what happened.
So I'm at the...
<i>And then I proceeded to waste
a half hour of those bastards'lives,
<i>telling them about this dream I had
<i>where I ate dinner with my top five
favorite architects throughout history.
And then, at the end of the meal,
Frank Gehry slides the check
over to I.M. Pei, and he says,
"Buddy, tonight, your name is I.M. Paying. "
Buckminster Fuller almost did a spit take.
And then I woke up.
So, that's it?
No other dreams?
Nothing confusing or erotic?
No.
Okay, how about this? Ted, you know how,
at some point in the future,
- machines will rise up against us?
- Sure.
Okay. So the machines,
they've killed everybody,
and all that's left is you,
me,
and Barney.
Which one of us would you, like,
get with?
And why do I have to
"get with" one of you?
The machines are forcing you.
They want to watch.
That's just how they get down.
That's a tough one.
I guess it would have to be...
Holli.
Robin told me what you guys did.
That's why I made up
the gay dreams thing.
- Guys, this is Holli.
- Hi.
And I didn't wait
your precious three days to call her.
I knew where she worked,
so I tracked her down.
- Let me ask you. Did I call you too soon?
- I love that he called me right away.
I found it very romantic.
And by the way,
I don't sit around my apartment
reading architecture magazines
in my old cheerleader uniform.
I do that completely naked.
So Holli and I are going out to dinner.
- I'll meet you out front.
- Okay.
I'm sorry, buddy.
We were just trying to help you.
And, also, it was really fun.
I don't need your help, okay?
I can take care of myself.
And, yeah, maybe there are some girls
who wouldn't like it
that I called them right away
or said things too soon, but guess what?
Those aren't the right girls for me.
Maybe the right girl is the one
who loves that I do those things because...
That's just who I am,
and I'm not gonna change
because of some stupid three-days rule.
Oh! And Holli spells her name with an "I."
<i>So I had proven
that the three-days rule was wrong,
<i>and I was out to dinner with a pretty girl.
<i>And until right now, I've never told anyone
<i>the truth about what happened
on that date.
That's so funny! I love indie music, too.
We should get married.
Ha, ha.
Just kidding.
Or am I?
Just kidding again!
That's it.
We're totally going to Brazil together!
And I went to my doctor this morning,
and he said it is all cleared up,
so I'm good to go.
I think I'm in love with you, Ted.
<i>In the end, I didn't need to wait
three days, but Holli really, really did.
<i>Like a lot of rules,
there are times to follow them
<i>and times to not. But I will tell you this.
<i>When I got your mother's number,
I called her right away.
- Stan!
- Hey, fellas.
- Stan, aren't you working?
- Took the night off.
- That's great! We can all hang out!
- Yeah!
- I can't. Got a date. You ready, baby?
- Yep.
What the...
Wait, wait. Couldn't you guys
just stay here and do your date with us?
Yeah, it'll be fun!
Look, I'm laughing!
It's fun here! You like magic?
Fellas, it's time we said goodbye.
I mean, we shared
a very special afternoon together,
and that's something I will always cherish.
I'll never forget you guys.
- Do you even know their names?
- No idea. Is the tall one Ted?
- No. That's Marshall. He's married to Lily.
- You like chicken wings?
Oh, yeah!
How I Met Your Mother - S04E20 - Mosbius Designs
Lily, I heard this great joke at work today.
Dude, come on. She's not gonna like it.
It's boy-funny. It's not girl-funny.
That is sexist! Funny is funny, Ted.
- Lily's cool. She'll appreciate this.
- You're on your own, man.
- Just tell me the joke.
- Okay. Ready?
Lily, what's the difference
between peanut butter and jam?
- See? It's funny.
- It's boy-funny.
She's not gonna like it.
Why don't you let me decide?
What's the difference
between peanut butter and jam?
<i>And then
Barney said the punch line.
<i>To this day, it's still the dirtiest joke
I've ever heard in my life.
<i>And no, I'm not gonna say it.
Yeah, I can't hang out with you anymore.
Oh, come on.
That's a funny joke.
- Told you.
- She'll be back.
<i>And we didn't
see Lily for four weeks.
<i>Kids, after getting laid off,
I was finally pursuing my lifelong dream,
<i>starting my own architecture firm.
All I needed was some clients.
I think it's so great that you're
striking out on your own, Ted.
- I admire that.
- Thanks.
And thanks for being so cool
with me using the apartment.
Oh, yeah, of course. Anything you need.
Hey, small thing, do you mind
not watching television
- during business hours?
- This isn't working!
<i>I'm sorry. It's just, I can't concentrate
while Wheel of Fortune is...
A penny saved is a Penny Marshall! Yes!
Ted, I know you're nervous,
but you've got to stop procrastinating.
You've spent the last two days choosing
the official pen of Mosbius Designs.
Hey, I've made some progress, huh?
I've eliminated felt-tip.
Who am I kidding?
Felt's back in the ballgame.
Hey. You hear there's gonna
be more layoffs?
I know. I'm freaking out.
- Are you worried?
- Are you kidding?
The things I know about this company,
I won't ever be fired.
I mean, there's a pretty good chance
one day I'll wash up on shore
with no fingerprints or teeth,
but I won't be fired.
Well, I wish I had your confidence.
Look, you just need a way to make
yourself absolutely essential.
Well, I work harder
than anyone in my division.
Yeah. Keeping your job has
nothing to do with hard work.
- You need a thing.
- What do you mean, a thing?
You know, something that makes you fun
and well-liked, like Marcus Denisco.
<i>Marcus Denisco
worked in Account Services
<i>and was perhaps the most expendable
employee at the company.
I brought some donuts.
They're probably stupid.
<i>But eventually,
he came to be known as...
- Food Guy!
- Food Guy!
Who wants some pulled pork?
Of course you do! Come on!
I love Food Guy.
They could never lay him off.
- Mmm-hmm.
- You know what I love about Food Guy?
- He always has food.
- He always has food.
See? That's what you need.
You need that thing
that makes you a guy.
Oh, I have that thing that makes me a guy.
Maybe even a guy and a half.
Not that thing.
You know, a thing. Like Toy Guy.
Guys, bad news.
As your HR rep, I gotta review the new
overtime scheduling policy with you.
The good news is we're gonna do it
while wearing Wolverine claws!
Section 5A, overtime will no longer
be paid at time and a half.
- This is awesome!
- Claw five!
I love Toy Guy.
See? You need a thing.
Like YouTube Clip Guy.
You're right. I do need a thing.
But choose wisely.
You don't want to be
Creepy Back Rub Guy.
Hey, don't fill up.
Food Guy's got Panna Cotta in his office.
Ooh!
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Douglas.
Wow. You're so tight.
I was relaxed about two seconds ago.
You're next.
Hi. Welcome to Mosbius Designs.
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm PJ, Mr. Mosby's assistant.
- Ted, what the hell is going...
- I'm sorry,
we do not interrupt Mr. Mosby
during his brainstorming hour.
<i>It's okay, PJ. That's Robin. She lives here.
<i>Oh, I'm sorry for the disturbance, sir.
Do you need anything else?
<i>- Well, I wouldn't say no to a cup of...
- You're right there!
So now Ted has an assistant
to help him not do anything.
Hey, PJ's been a huge help to me,
setting up the office,
designing the website.
And in return, I'm mentoring
a bright, young mind.
Ah, yes, the mentoring.
I want you to go outside today and simply
put your hands on buildings. All right?
Feel the concrete pulse. Listen.
Listen to the stories
the stones are telling you.
- And pick up my dry cleaning.
- I will.
- Thank you so much, Mr. Mosby.
- All right.
Hey, Ted?
This table just told me you're a douche.
This whole mentoring thing is
just another way
to procrastinate
from actually calling clients.
I'm not procrastinating. I just...
I want everything to be perfect, okay?
I only get one shot at this.
- Fine, but PJ is not helping.
- Hey, hey.
If Ted says that PJ is important
to the company,
then PJ is not going anywhere.
- See? He's very valuable.
- Whoa, whoa.
PJ's a guy?
PJ's not some hot chick you're banging?
No, I'm mentoring him.
Mentoring.
I mentored a young fellow once.
Even made him my wingman.
Then, one day, he hired an assistant
to work 10 feet from his bedroom
who, get this, isn't a hot chick,
proving he never listened
to a word I said.
And do you know that young man's name?
- Ted Mosby?
- Maybe.
I don't remember.
Because he is dead to me!
PJ's gonna be getting
a very confusing card in the mail
along with a garment
that he should by no means
wear for three days
and then mail back to me.
Hey, Barney.
I thought of a thing
to make me more essential here.
I'm Eco Guy, 'cause everybody
loves a guy who recycles, right?
Fired. What else you got?
I thought of a few others. Wacky Tie Guy.
- Fired.
- Daily Fun Fact Guy?
Did you know that you're fired?
I Know a Good Stretch for That Guy?
Downward-facing fired.
Monty Python Guy?
We are
the knights who say, "You're fired. "
Wait! Wait! I did use to run a fantasy
baseball league back in law school.
That's not bad.
You might be onto something.
Awesome. Awesome! I'll be Fantasy Guy!
We'll have to make you Sports Guy.
We already have a Fantasy Guy.
- What's up, bros?
- Hey, Frank.
Hello?
Hey, PJ. Where are you? You're never late.
You're on top of
the Empire State Building?
Listen to the old gal.
She's got some stories to tell.
Take all the time you need. Okay.
Wait a second. "Ted Mosby Home. "
Oh, my God, the call's coming
from inside the house.
That's not the Empire State Building.
Robin, you cannot sleep with my assistant.
I'm trying to run a business here.
How did this even happen?
Well, at lunch, when you go
on your wisdom walks,
it gives me and PJ
some time alone together.
Inspiration, do your thing.
It always does, sir. It always does.
Hey, PJ, I actually have
an architectural question for you.
How does Ted's ass taste?
I wouldn't know,
but I assume it tastes like genius.
Why is the bathroom locked?
Visitors need to sign in
for the bathroom key.
Listen, Peej, and I want you to think
this over real good before you answer.
Are you telling me that I can't
go to the bathroom in my apartment?
No. I am telling you
that you need to ask permission
to use the bathroom in my office.
Why is that so hot?
Robin, there are billions
of guys in the world.
Why do you have to
sleep with my assistant?
Ted, when I get off work,
it's 5:30 in the morning.
Do you have any idea
what kind of guys I'm meeting?
I deliver newspapers.
It's a dirty job,
but somebody's got to do it.
Don't worry. I'll wash them
before I handle your business.
I live with my mom.
At night, we watch TV in her bed.
We call it Cuddle Club.
So, you get up really early to
trade on the European stock exchanges.
- What's that like?
- Look, is this gonna happen or not?
Okay, first of all,
I've hung out with Fantasy Guy.
You could do a lot worse.
Secondly, this has to stop.
Distracting PJ is going
to kill our productivity.
What productivity?
You haven't even called a single client.
Hey, once I get the website up,
the brochures printed,
and figure out what trust games
we're going to play
at the corporate retreat,
I am making those calls.
Corporate retreat?
Mr. Mosby and I are
going camping on the roof.
Hey, Sports Guy.
I hear people are raving
about your league.
It's a lot harder than I thought it would be.
Between entry fees and transaction fees
and penalty fees, I'm actually...
I'm holding on to a lot of money.
Great work, Sports Guy.
That's for last week.
<i>60, 80, 100.
<i>Okay. This is $18,000 cash.
<i>It's not a big deal.
<i>I'll just take it home
and put it somewhere safe.
<i>Okay, just walking down the street
with some money in my pocket.
<i>Don't touch the money.
That's so obvious. Just be cool.
<i>Oh, no. The baby's onto me.
<i>Babies can smell money.
Everyone knows that!
I'm carrying a lot of money!
Seriously, dude, I'm not sure
how much longer I can keep doing this.
Marshall, last week you were trash
that no one wanted to look at.
Now, you're Sports Guy.
- I was trash?
- Last week!
Hey, there's Ted Mosby
of Mosbius Designs.
How's the home office coming, buddy?
Well, it was going great till
Robin started banging my assistant.
Ted, it's our apartment, okay?
You leave a big chocolate cake
on the counter,
Mama's gonna cut her off a slice.
I told you.
Hire a cute assistant
that you can sleep with,
but instead you hire a cute assistant
that Robin can sleep with.
And of course he's gonna sleep
with her, Ted. Look at her!
She's the greatest woman on the planet!
I'm getting off topic!
You're an idiot!
That's my message! You're an idiot!
No.
One person storming off isn't enough!
Marshall, storm off with me!
Barney. Dude, why are you this upset
about Ted not having sex
with the people he hires?
Because it hurts!
It hurts you how?
It hurts because I love
Ted
having sex with women.
I'm a very dedicated wingman!
Look, Lily's the only person that
I can talk to about this stuff.
Just get her to talk to me.
I'll try, but look, there's no guarantees.
She's still really outraged about that joke.
That joke!
Tore our little group apart,
pitted people I love against each other.
Seriously, I wish...
I wish that joke had
never come into our lives.
- It's kind of funny though, right?
- It's so funny, man.
Hey, good news, PJ.
The brochures you designed just came in.
Really interesting choice for the cover.
I like how instead of one of my designs,
you chose this.
You know what?
I must've sent in the wrong photo.
You think?
Look, PJ, the website's still not done.
You didn't even show up
to the corporate retreat.
By the way, I saw a shooting star,
and you're late every day!
I'm sorry, PJ. I gotta get focused.
You're fired.
- You can't fire...
- PJ, you're fired.
Fine!
Hey, baby. I just got fired.
Yeah, I'll wait for you at your place.
Okay, bye.
<i>Oh! Wheel of Fortune.
I love having all this free time
to spend with you.
- I'm going to kiss you here and here.
- Ooh! Ooh!
And here and here. And...
- Oh!
- Please stop.
I'm going to go to the bathroom.
- I'll miss you.
- I'll miss you, too.
You're already sick of him, aren't you?
He's driving me crazy.
When PJ had a job, he was sexy.
He was guardian of the bathroom key.
A hot guy telling you
when you can and can't pee?
That's the dream.
That's the dream? The dream?
Like what Martin Luther King
was talking about?
I have to end it, don't I?
I'm terrible at breakups.
I still have to go a little bit,
but I couldn't be away from you
one second longer.
Oh! Listen.
- Dude, I don't know.
- What?
Yeah, it's just...
It's not really...
Ix-nay, you know?
Ix-nay on what?
- Not feeling it.
- Not feeling what?
But friends and stuff?
Oh, my God,
this is the worst breakup ever.
You're breaking up with me?
If that's what you want,
I totally understand.
Hey, you still haven't activated that
shortstop the Mariners just brought up.
Gotta have it. Ha!
See, Sports Guy? People love you.
I can't be Sports Guy anymore, okay?
It's killing me!
I keep getting these constant texts
and e-mails and phone calls
in the middle of the night.
Sometimes I even think
that I'm being followed.
Hey, buddy.
I need you to push that trade through,
so I can set up my new lineup.
Wow, you really carry it in
your shoulders, don't you?
Seriously, it's over.
Do you want me to stop?
No.
<i>With Robin and PJ broken up,
I was free to make
<i>some staffing changes in the office.
Hi, welcome to Mosbius Designs.
You got to be kidding me.
<i>And now that PJ
was back at work...
You got to be kidding me.
So, apparently Robin
and PJ are an item again.
You got to be kidding me!
Are you all right?
Okay, since Lily's not talking to me,
there's something that I have to tell you.
And this isn't easy to say, all right?
I'm... Wait for it.
...in... Wait for it.
...love... Wait for it.
...with... Wait for it.
...a... Wait for it.
...certain... Wait for it.
- I know that you're in love with Robin!
- What?
- Lily told me.
- She told you?
Great.
I bet you guys have been laughing at me
behind my back the whole time.
Actually, in a weird way, we both think
you're kind of perfect for each other.
- You do?
- Yeah. Matter of fact,
we even try to sit
on the same side of the booth
so you two will have to sit together.
Really? That's so sweet.
But let's be clear. I don't love her. Okay?
I just miss her when she's not around.
I think about her all the time,
and I imagine us one day
running towards each other
in slow motion,
and I'm wearing a brown suede vest.
Are you ever going to
tell her how you feel?
No. Maybe. Never. I don't know. Look...
I just need to get that PJ idiot
away from her.
If Lily were here, she'd know
exactly how to get rid of him.
Maybe I can help.
Marshall, you're no Lily.
Lily is a diabolical puppet master,
subtly manipulating every situation
to get exactly what she wants.
She's pure evil, Marshall.
You got a good one there. Hang on to her.
<i>Meanwhile, my bizarre
tug of war with Robin over PJ continued.
Hey, PJ.
I was about to go on my wisdom walk.
- Want to join me?
Hey, PJ.
I took the bathroom key without asking.
What are you going to do about it?
Look, you guys are both great,
but the truth is I'm taking another job.
These are for you.
Robin, I hope this letter
offers some closure.
Ted, I'm really going to miss you.
You can't trade Manny Ramirez
for two middle relievers!
If you veto that trade,
I am out of the league!
Okay! Okay! I'll figure it out.
Hire the kid to be a paralegal.
He gets to do all the work,
and you still get to be Sports Guy.
Pure evil, Eriksen. Pure evil.
Hey, thanks.
Hey. You okay?
- What if I don't think of the books?
- Excuse me?
There's this famous architecture story
about an architect
who designed this library.
It was perfect.
But every year, the whole thing would
sink a couple of inches into the ground.
Eventually, the building was condemned.
He forgot to account
for the weight of the books.
This company, it's just me.
What if I don't think of the books?
Okay, first of all, nobody goes to libraries
anymore, so who cares about that guy?
Secondly, you need to get on the phone
and start calling clients.
The longer I put off starting my own firm,
the longer it can remain a dream
and not something I screwed up at.
I mean, it's like I'm giving up
before I even started.
You want to talk about giving up?
I used to describe my ideal guy as
funny, smart, passionate, challenging.
And now, apparently,
I will settle for "in my apartment. "
I mean, didn't you think you'd
have it all more figured out by now?
Are you kidding? By 30, I was
going to be annoyingly successful,
married to the perfect woman,
maybe a kid on the way.
Instead, I'm just some guy
sitting in his apartment
having a staring contest with his phone.
And losing.
Hey. You can take that thing.
Hi, this is Ted Mosby of Mosbius Designs.
I'm calling to inquire about
any design needs you may have
now or in the future.
That sounds great, buddy.
- Really? I sound confident?
- Yup.
- Now call an actual client.
- Great.
Hey, Food Guy!
Hey, Toy Guy!
Who's that guy?
He doesn't work here.
- I think we should leave the building.
- Really?
This has happened before.
Dude, come on. She's not gonna like it.
It's boy-funny. It's not girl-funny.
That is sexist! Funny is funny, Ted.
- Lily's cool. She'll appreciate this.
- You're on your own, man.
- Just tell me the joke.
- Okay. Ready?
Lily, what's the difference
between peanut butter and jam?
- See? It's funny.
- It's boy-funny.
She's not gonna like it.
Why don't you let me decide?
What's the difference
between peanut butter and jam?
<i>And then
Barney said the punch line.
<i>To this day, it's still the dirtiest joke
I've ever heard in my life.
<i>And no, I'm not gonna say it.
Yeah, I can't hang out with you anymore.
Oh, come on.
That's a funny joke.
- Told you.
- She'll be back.
<i>And we didn't
see Lily for four weeks.
<i>Kids, after getting laid off,
I was finally pursuing my lifelong dream,
<i>starting my own architecture firm.
All I needed was some clients.
I think it's so great that you're
striking out on your own, Ted.
- I admire that.
- Thanks.
And thanks for being so cool
with me using the apartment.
Oh, yeah, of course. Anything you need.
Hey, small thing, do you mind
not watching television
- during business hours?
- This isn't working!
<i>I'm sorry. It's just, I can't concentrate
while Wheel of Fortune is...
A penny saved is a Penny Marshall! Yes!
Ted, I know you're nervous,
but you've got to stop procrastinating.
You've spent the last two days choosing
the official pen of Mosbius Designs.
Hey, I've made some progress, huh?
I've eliminated felt-tip.
Who am I kidding?
Felt's back in the ballgame.
Hey. You hear there's gonna
be more layoffs?
I know. I'm freaking out.
- Are you worried?
- Are you kidding?
The things I know about this company,
I won't ever be fired.
I mean, there's a pretty good chance
one day I'll wash up on shore
with no fingerprints or teeth,
but I won't be fired.
Well, I wish I had your confidence.
Look, you just need a way to make
yourself absolutely essential.
Well, I work harder
than anyone in my division.
Yeah. Keeping your job has
nothing to do with hard work.
- You need a thing.
- What do you mean, a thing?
You know, something that makes you fun
and well-liked, like Marcus Denisco.
<i>Marcus Denisco
worked in Account Services
<i>and was perhaps the most expendable
employee at the company.
I brought some donuts.
They're probably stupid.
<i>But eventually,
he came to be known as...
- Food Guy!
- Food Guy!
Who wants some pulled pork?
Of course you do! Come on!
I love Food Guy.
They could never lay him off.
- Mmm-hmm.
- You know what I love about Food Guy?
- He always has food.
- He always has food.
See? That's what you need.
You need that thing
that makes you a guy.
Oh, I have that thing that makes me a guy.
Maybe even a guy and a half.
Not that thing.
You know, a thing. Like Toy Guy.
Guys, bad news.
As your HR rep, I gotta review the new
overtime scheduling policy with you.
The good news is we're gonna do it
while wearing Wolverine claws!
Section 5A, overtime will no longer
be paid at time and a half.
- This is awesome!
- Claw five!
I love Toy Guy.
See? You need a thing.
Like YouTube Clip Guy.
You're right. I do need a thing.
But choose wisely.
You don't want to be
Creepy Back Rub Guy.
Hey, don't fill up.
Food Guy's got Panna Cotta in his office.
Ooh!
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Douglas.
Wow. You're so tight.
I was relaxed about two seconds ago.
You're next.
Hi. Welcome to Mosbius Designs.
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm PJ, Mr. Mosby's assistant.
- Ted, what the hell is going...
- I'm sorry,
we do not interrupt Mr. Mosby
during his brainstorming hour.
<i>It's okay, PJ. That's Robin. She lives here.
<i>Oh, I'm sorry for the disturbance, sir.
Do you need anything else?
<i>- Well, I wouldn't say no to a cup of...
- You're right there!
So now Ted has an assistant
to help him not do anything.
Hey, PJ's been a huge help to me,
setting up the office,
designing the website.
And in return, I'm mentoring
a bright, young mind.
Ah, yes, the mentoring.
I want you to go outside today and simply
put your hands on buildings. All right?
Feel the concrete pulse. Listen.
Listen to the stories
the stones are telling you.
- And pick up my dry cleaning.
- I will.
- Thank you so much, Mr. Mosby.
- All right.
Hey, Ted?
This table just told me you're a douche.
This whole mentoring thing is
just another way
to procrastinate
from actually calling clients.
I'm not procrastinating. I just...
I want everything to be perfect, okay?
I only get one shot at this.
- Fine, but PJ is not helping.
- Hey, hey.
If Ted says that PJ is important
to the company,
then PJ is not going anywhere.
- See? He's very valuable.
- Whoa, whoa.
PJ's a guy?
PJ's not some hot chick you're banging?
No, I'm mentoring him.
Mentoring.
I mentored a young fellow once.
Even made him my wingman.
Then, one day, he hired an assistant
to work 10 feet from his bedroom
who, get this, isn't a hot chick,
proving he never listened
to a word I said.
And do you know that young man's name?
- Ted Mosby?
- Maybe.
I don't remember.
Because he is dead to me!
PJ's gonna be getting
a very confusing card in the mail
along with a garment
that he should by no means
wear for three days
and then mail back to me.
Hey, Barney.
I thought of a thing
to make me more essential here.
I'm Eco Guy, 'cause everybody
loves a guy who recycles, right?
Fired. What else you got?
I thought of a few others. Wacky Tie Guy.
- Fired.
- Daily Fun Fact Guy?
Did you know that you're fired?
I Know a Good Stretch for That Guy?
Downward-facing fired.
Monty Python Guy?
We are
the knights who say, "You're fired. "
Wait! Wait! I did use to run a fantasy
baseball league back in law school.
That's not bad.
You might be onto something.
Awesome. Awesome! I'll be Fantasy Guy!
We'll have to make you Sports Guy.
We already have a Fantasy Guy.
- What's up, bros?
- Hey, Frank.
Hello?
Hey, PJ. Where are you? You're never late.
You're on top of
the Empire State Building?
Listen to the old gal.
She's got some stories to tell.
Take all the time you need. Okay.
Wait a second. "Ted Mosby Home. "
Oh, my God, the call's coming
from inside the house.
That's not the Empire State Building.
Robin, you cannot sleep with my assistant.
I'm trying to run a business here.
How did this even happen?
Well, at lunch, when you go
on your wisdom walks,
it gives me and PJ
some time alone together.
Inspiration, do your thing.
It always does, sir. It always does.
Hey, PJ, I actually have
an architectural question for you.
How does Ted's ass taste?
I wouldn't know,
but I assume it tastes like genius.
Why is the bathroom locked?
Visitors need to sign in
for the bathroom key.
Listen, Peej, and I want you to think
this over real good before you answer.
Are you telling me that I can't
go to the bathroom in my apartment?
No. I am telling you
that you need to ask permission
to use the bathroom in my office.
Why is that so hot?
Robin, there are billions
of guys in the world.
Why do you have to
sleep with my assistant?
Ted, when I get off work,
it's 5:30 in the morning.
Do you have any idea
what kind of guys I'm meeting?
I deliver newspapers.
It's a dirty job,
but somebody's got to do it.
Don't worry. I'll wash them
before I handle your business.
I live with my mom.
At night, we watch TV in her bed.
We call it Cuddle Club.
So, you get up really early to
trade on the European stock exchanges.
- What's that like?
- Look, is this gonna happen or not?
Okay, first of all,
I've hung out with Fantasy Guy.
You could do a lot worse.
Secondly, this has to stop.
Distracting PJ is going
to kill our productivity.
What productivity?
You haven't even called a single client.
Hey, once I get the website up,
the brochures printed,
and figure out what trust games
we're going to play
at the corporate retreat,
I am making those calls.
Corporate retreat?
Mr. Mosby and I are
going camping on the roof.
Hey, Sports Guy.
I hear people are raving
about your league.
It's a lot harder than I thought it would be.
Between entry fees and transaction fees
and penalty fees, I'm actually...
I'm holding on to a lot of money.
Great work, Sports Guy.
That's for last week.
<i>60, 80, 100.
<i>Okay. This is $18,000 cash.
<i>It's not a big deal.
<i>I'll just take it home
and put it somewhere safe.
<i>Okay, just walking down the street
with some money in my pocket.
<i>Don't touch the money.
That's so obvious. Just be cool.
<i>Oh, no. The baby's onto me.
<i>Babies can smell money.
Everyone knows that!
I'm carrying a lot of money!
Seriously, dude, I'm not sure
how much longer I can keep doing this.
Marshall, last week you were trash
that no one wanted to look at.
Now, you're Sports Guy.
- I was trash?
- Last week!
Hey, there's Ted Mosby
of Mosbius Designs.
How's the home office coming, buddy?
Well, it was going great till
Robin started banging my assistant.
Ted, it's our apartment, okay?
You leave a big chocolate cake
on the counter,
Mama's gonna cut her off a slice.
I told you.
Hire a cute assistant
that you can sleep with,
but instead you hire a cute assistant
that Robin can sleep with.
And of course he's gonna sleep
with her, Ted. Look at her!
She's the greatest woman on the planet!
I'm getting off topic!
You're an idiot!
That's my message! You're an idiot!
No.
One person storming off isn't enough!
Marshall, storm off with me!
Barney. Dude, why are you this upset
about Ted not having sex
with the people he hires?
Because it hurts!
It hurts you how?
It hurts because I love
Ted
having sex with women.
I'm a very dedicated wingman!
Look, Lily's the only person that
I can talk to about this stuff.
Just get her to talk to me.
I'll try, but look, there's no guarantees.
She's still really outraged about that joke.
That joke!
Tore our little group apart,
pitted people I love against each other.
Seriously, I wish...
I wish that joke had
never come into our lives.
- It's kind of funny though, right?
- It's so funny, man.
Hey, good news, PJ.
The brochures you designed just came in.
Really interesting choice for the cover.
I like how instead of one of my designs,
you chose this.
You know what?
I must've sent in the wrong photo.
You think?
Look, PJ, the website's still not done.
You didn't even show up
to the corporate retreat.
By the way, I saw a shooting star,
and you're late every day!
I'm sorry, PJ. I gotta get focused.
You're fired.
- You can't fire...
- PJ, you're fired.
Fine!
Hey, baby. I just got fired.
Yeah, I'll wait for you at your place.
Okay, bye.
<i>Oh! Wheel of Fortune.
I love having all this free time
to spend with you.
- I'm going to kiss you here and here.
- Ooh! Ooh!
And here and here. And...
- Oh!
- Please stop.
I'm going to go to the bathroom.
- I'll miss you.
- I'll miss you, too.
You're already sick of him, aren't you?
He's driving me crazy.
When PJ had a job, he was sexy.
He was guardian of the bathroom key.
A hot guy telling you
when you can and can't pee?
That's the dream.
That's the dream? The dream?
Like what Martin Luther King
was talking about?
I have to end it, don't I?
I'm terrible at breakups.
I still have to go a little bit,
but I couldn't be away from you
one second longer.
Oh! Listen.
- Dude, I don't know.
- What?
Yeah, it's just...
It's not really...
Ix-nay, you know?
Ix-nay on what?
- Not feeling it.
- Not feeling what?
But friends and stuff?
Oh, my God,
this is the worst breakup ever.
You're breaking up with me?
If that's what you want,
I totally understand.
Hey, you still haven't activated that
shortstop the Mariners just brought up.
Gotta have it. Ha!
See, Sports Guy? People love you.
I can't be Sports Guy anymore, okay?
It's killing me!
I keep getting these constant texts
and e-mails and phone calls
in the middle of the night.
Sometimes I even think
that I'm being followed.
Hey, buddy.
I need you to push that trade through,
so I can set up my new lineup.
Wow, you really carry it in
your shoulders, don't you?
Seriously, it's over.
Do you want me to stop?
No.
<i>With Robin and PJ broken up,
I was free to make
<i>some staffing changes in the office.
Hi, welcome to Mosbius Designs.
You got to be kidding me.
<i>And now that PJ
was back at work...
You got to be kidding me.
So, apparently Robin
and PJ are an item again.
You got to be kidding me!
Are you all right?
Okay, since Lily's not talking to me,
there's something that I have to tell you.
And this isn't easy to say, all right?
I'm... Wait for it.
...in... Wait for it.
...love... Wait for it.
...with... Wait for it.
...a... Wait for it.
...certain... Wait for it.
- I know that you're in love with Robin!
- What?
- Lily told me.
- She told you?
Great.
I bet you guys have been laughing at me
behind my back the whole time.
Actually, in a weird way, we both think
you're kind of perfect for each other.
- You do?
- Yeah. Matter of fact,
we even try to sit
on the same side of the booth
so you two will have to sit together.
Really? That's so sweet.
But let's be clear. I don't love her. Okay?
I just miss her when she's not around.
I think about her all the time,
and I imagine us one day
running towards each other
in slow motion,
and I'm wearing a brown suede vest.
Are you ever going to
tell her how you feel?
No. Maybe. Never. I don't know. Look...
I just need to get that PJ idiot
away from her.
If Lily were here, she'd know
exactly how to get rid of him.
Maybe I can help.
Marshall, you're no Lily.
Lily is a diabolical puppet master,
subtly manipulating every situation
to get exactly what she wants.
She's pure evil, Marshall.
You got a good one there. Hang on to her.
<i>Meanwhile, my bizarre
tug of war with Robin over PJ continued.
Hey, PJ.
I was about to go on my wisdom walk.
- Want to join me?
Hey, PJ.
I took the bathroom key without asking.
What are you going to do about it?
Look, you guys are both great,
but the truth is I'm taking another job.
These are for you.
Robin, I hope this letter
offers some closure.
Ted, I'm really going to miss you.
You can't trade Manny Ramirez
for two middle relievers!
If you veto that trade,
I am out of the league!
Okay! Okay! I'll figure it out.
Hire the kid to be a paralegal.
He gets to do all the work,
and you still get to be Sports Guy.
Pure evil, Eriksen. Pure evil.
Hey, thanks.
Hey. You okay?
- What if I don't think of the books?
- Excuse me?
There's this famous architecture story
about an architect
who designed this library.
It was perfect.
But every year, the whole thing would
sink a couple of inches into the ground.
Eventually, the building was condemned.
He forgot to account
for the weight of the books.
This company, it's just me.
What if I don't think of the books?
Okay, first of all, nobody goes to libraries
anymore, so who cares about that guy?
Secondly, you need to get on the phone
and start calling clients.
The longer I put off starting my own firm,
the longer it can remain a dream
and not something I screwed up at.
I mean, it's like I'm giving up
before I even started.
You want to talk about giving up?
I used to describe my ideal guy as
funny, smart, passionate, challenging.
And now, apparently,
I will settle for "in my apartment. "
I mean, didn't you think you'd
have it all more figured out by now?
Are you kidding? By 30, I was
going to be annoyingly successful,
married to the perfect woman,
maybe a kid on the way.
Instead, I'm just some guy
sitting in his apartment
having a staring contest with his phone.
And losing.
Hey. You can take that thing.
Hi, this is Ted Mosby of Mosbius Designs.
I'm calling to inquire about
any design needs you may have
now or in the future.
That sounds great, buddy.
- Really? I sound confident?
- Yup.
- Now call an actual client.
- Great.
Hey, Food Guy!
Hey, Toy Guy!
Who's that guy?
He doesn't work here.
- I think we should leave the building.
- Really?
This has happened before.
How I Met Your Mother - S04E19 - Murtaugh
You will not believe what happened
at laser tag last night.
People freaked out because
a creepy man in a suit
- wouldn't leave their kids alone?
- No.
Well, yeah, pretty much.
Come on!
Ow! My shoulder!
- Come on.
Stinson, my office! Now!
Crap.
Disorderly game play,
three counts of shoving, and now this!
Stinson, you're a liability!
I know I don't play by
your "precious rules," McCracken,
but damn it, I get results!
Look, you're a good laser tag player,
maybe the best I've ever seen.
But one of these days,
you're gonna get someone hurt.
Maybe even yourself.
You just forget what it's like out there.
You've had your fat ass stuck behind
that desk for too long.
That's it! You're out of here, Stinson!
- Hand in your gun and your ID badge!
- With pleasure.
Please don't do this. This game is all I got.
And I've almost got enough tickets
for the remote-control helicopter.
Please.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
But I'm gonna give you one last shot.
But so help me,
if you so much as step one toe out of line,
<i>you're gonna be playing Duck Hunt
in your mama's basement
so fast it's gonna make your head spin.
Now, get out of here!
You won't regret this.
Whoa.
That's it, Stinson. You're banned for life!
No!
I can't believe you got kicked out of
laser tag. What are you gonna do?
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
I'll tell you what Ted and I are gonna do.
We're gonna break in after hours
and TP the place.
Barney, we are too old to cover
a place in toilet paper
just because they won't
let you play laser tag.
And for that matter,
we're too old for laser tag.
Ted, laser tag knows no age restrictions.
- Kind of like stripping in the Midwest.
- Yeah, whatever.
- I'm adding laser tag to the Murtaugh list.
- Oh, jeez, not the Murtaugh list.
- Yeah.
- What's the Murtaugh list?
<i>The Murtaugh list
is something that came into being
<i>around the time I turned 30.
<i>It all started with
your uncle Marshall's beer bong.
<i>When we were in our early 20s,
every time we had a party,
<i>that beer bong came out.
<i>And around the time we turned 30,
same thing.
<i>Of course, in our early 20s,
the next day would go like this.
<i>But by the time we were 30,
the next day would go like this.
<i>Then one day, in the throes of
the worst hangover of my life,
<i>I realized there was only one person
in the world that I could relate to.
<i>Detective Roger Murtaugh,
played by Danny Glover
<i>in the '80s noir masterpiece
Lethal Weapon,
<i>known for his oft-quoted catchphrase...
I'm too old for this...
<i>Stuff. He said,
"I'm too old for this stuff. "
It's sad to admit, but as you get older,
there's just certain things
you can't do anymore.
That's why I have this list,
so I never make the mistake of thinking
that I can still pull an all-nighter.
Oh.
I'm too old for that stuff.
Or eat an entire pizza in one sitting.
I'm too old for that stuff.
Or hang posters on your wall
without frames.
Riggs. Riggs!
I'm too old for that stuff.
<i>By the way, how good is Lethal Weapon?
I don't know. It's kind of a rip-off.
Old guy paired up
with a young, renegade cop.
Sound familiar?
<i>Mackleroy and LeFleur.
<i>Don't tell me you guys
have never seen Mackleroy and LeFleur.
It's the greatest Canadian action movie
of all time.
Mackleroy is a young, renegade Mountie
whose horse was just killed
- by evil Americans...
- Wait.
...while LeFleur, his grouchy,
old, African-Canadian partner,
- just bought a cozy ice-fishing shack...
- Wait.
...in northern Alberta.
- Now...
- Stop it!
- I got to go.
- Bye, baby. Have fun at practice.
Practice? Is he doing
that one-man band thing again?
'Cause that was a bummer.
<i>Actually,
Marshall had just taken over as coach
<i>for Lily's kindergarten basketball team.
<i>He thought it'd be fun,
but Lily saw it as something more.
<i>Dad practice.
- Hi.
- Hey! Oh, my gosh!
Orange slices. That is so sweet.
What are you doing here?
I couldn't resist. I wanted to see
Coach Marshmallow do his thing.
Oh!
Okay.
Hey, kids, who wants to knock off early
and have some of these here
orange slices?
Yeah? Well, you can't!
Because oranges are for winners,
and you little turds
haven't even made a single shot yet!
You're embarrassing yourselves,
you're embarrassing Miss Aldrin,
and worst of all, you're embarrassing me!
That's it! Suicides! Baseline! Now!
Run.
Ted, there is not a single thing on here
that you are too old to do.
In fact, if you did everything
on the Murtaugh list,
I'd call that a pretty fun weekend.
Barney, you are not 18 anymore.
If you did everything on that list,
you would die.
- That wasn't a challenge.
- Challenge accepted.
In the next 24 hours, I'm going to do
every single thing on this list.
And after I do, you will TP
the laser tag place with me.
And if you can't do it?
I will spend three hours
listening to you talk about architecture.
You have got yourself a deal.
Robin, will you do the honors?
A gentlemen's agreement!
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
All right, chumps, let's do this.
Barney Stinson!
You really want to make this bet with him?
You know how he is.
Robin, there is some pretty tough stuff
on that list.
Do you really think
Barney's gonna get his ear pierced?
"Get ear pierced. " Check.
All right, I'm off to go
do laundry at Mom's house.
Hey, you guys mind if I crash
on your futon tonight?
- We don't have a futon.
- Put it over there, boys.
- What's going on?
- It's on the Murtaugh list.
"Crash on a friend's futon
instead of getting a hotel room. "
I am too old for that stuff.
Dude, what's going on with your ear?
It looks like the inside of a jack-o'- lantern
on November 3rd.
What, this? Just a little infectsh.
Nothing a young guy like me
can't shake off.
Plus, "Put off going to the doctor,"
on the list.
Oh. Hold on.
Go for...
Keep running!
You know what's funny is I was
supposed to come here to teach them...
Do not stop running!
This whole time, they've been the ones
who are teaching me. Hey!
That's not running! That's falling!
<i>The next morning, Barney
woke up on the futon in our living room.
Check.
"Drinking shots with strangers. " Check.
You okay, Barney?
It looks like you hurt your back.
Oh, no. Just rocking a party hunch. I like it.
Closer to my booze. To youth.
Can I get a straw?
I must say, there is something admirable
about the way Barney wants
to stay young at heart.
- I mean, who wants to get old?
- This guy.
Robin, life is a meal
and old age is the dessert.
I spend so much of my time worrying
about the future.
You know, "Where's my career going?
Who am I gonna marry?"
But when you're old, you don't worry,
'cause all that stuff's already happened.
Plus, you get to wear comfy shoes,
and a chair takes you
up and down the stairs. It's perfect.
That's not perfect. That's pathetic.
You can't just jump to the end.
The journey is the best part.
Oh, Robin, I used to feel that way, too,
but you'll understand when
you're a little bit older.
Marshall, can you try
not to pick on the kids today?
I'm not picking on the kids, Lily.
I'm picking on the culture of losing
around here.
I got to get them in shape
if they're gonna win that game tomorrow.
Win? We don't keep score.
- What?
- We don't keep score.
You don't keep...
What's the point of playing if you don't
keep score? How do you know...
Lily, what were you doing with this team
before I got here?
I was coaching them.
Whee!
That's it, my little angels.
You're all luminous,
wonderful beings of light.
- What's the score?
- It's all tied up at fun to fun!
Because that's the point of playing,
to have fun.
No. The point of playing is
to win the trophy.
And if you don't know who's winning,
who gets the trophy?
Everyone. It's a participation trophy.
Everyone gets one.
It's like you're speaking Chinese
to me right now.
- Hi, this is Barney.
- And Robin.
We can't answer the phone right
now because...
He's watching sports and I'm...
Probably out shopping.
Uh-oh!
Leave a message and we'll call you
back just as soon...
- As...
- We...
- Can!
- Can!
"Leave an annoying two-person message
on your answering machine. " Check.
Probably gonna cost me some dates,
but it's okay.
- Barney, your ear's starting to smell.
- No, it's good.
I hate to send it back, but you did describe
the turkey as extremely lean,
and, well, you tell me.
All right. That's it.
- We have our own list.
- What?
This is a list of things
you're too young to do.
Go out and do each one of these things
and then tell me you still
want to be an old man.
Hmm.
Remove "Colonoscopy"
and "Have sex with an old lady,"
and this is a cakewalk.
New stakes, then. If I can finish your list
before you finish mine,
you have to come with me to TP laser tag,
and you have to buy the toilet paper.
And none of that biodegradable crap.
I want it up there forever.
Fine, but if I finish your list first,
it's a six-hour survey of early 20th-century
American architecture,
and you can never do anything
on the Murtaugh list ever again.
- It's for your own good.
- You, sir, have got yourself a deal.
A gentlemen's agreement!
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
Marshall, they're in kindergarten.
This isn't how you teach basketball.
- Sure it is. It's the way I learned.
- Are you kidding me?
What kind of sociopath
taught you this way?
- Come on, Dad. I'm tired.
- Sleep is for winners.
You can go to bed
when you score a basket.
- I'm trying.
- Let's give you two points for trying.
But negative two points
for having a great big head.
My father gave me no quarter,
and I asked for no quarter.
I totally gotta call that guy.
Keep stretching!
"Put on reading glasses. " Check.
"Yell at neighborhood kids. " My pleasure.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What the hell happened to you?
- Oh, I just had a very minor
blew-out-my-knee-and-it-hurts-like-hell
incident.
How'd you blow out your knee?
We "Helped someone move out of
a sixth-floor walk-up
"in exchange for pizza and beer. "
Or we helped someone
rob a sixth-floor walk-up.
They were in a big hurry
and left all the pictures behind.
Whatevs. It counts.
Now I am off to
"Dye my hair a funny color,"
- and then we are going to "Go to a rave. "
- Mmm-hmm.
Ooh! 4:00! Supper time.
Okay. So, your dad was tough on you.
That stinks,
but you don't have to be like him.
You can learn from his mistakes.
Mistakes? Lily, scoreboard.
The guy nailed it, okay?
He taught me how to be a winner.
That's what I'm teaching these kids.
And, for that matter,
that's what I'm gonna teach
our kids someday.
Okay, that's it. This is not how
we're gonna raise our kids!
And this is not how you're
gonna coach this team!
At tomorrow's game,
if you are anything less
than a teddy bear stuffed
with cotton candy and rainbows,
I will silent-treatment your ass
into the ground!
You'll think the time I found your Internet
search history was a freaking picnic!
Are we clear?
Lily, there are many different...
- Are we clear?
- Yes, ma'am.
You know, what's ironic is that now...
Lily, no!
Just call Ted. I want to go home.
All right. I'm calling him.
But it's 4:30 in the morning.
He's not going to be awake.
"Up at 4:00." Check.
- Is he answering?
- I haven't dialed yet.
Oh, please hurry, Robin.
Ooh, perfect.
"Take forever to answer the phone. "
Come on, Ted.
Someone gave me some aspirin
and I don't think it was aspirin.
Check.
So, I know that I have been a little tough
on you for the past couple days.
And I apologize for that.
So today, we're not gonna worry
about winning.
We're gonna go out there and have fun.
<i>Kids, over the years,
your uncle Marshall has told and retold
<i>the story of this game hundreds of times.
<i>And in reality, the kids on that other team
<i>were probably only a grade older.
<i>But in telling and retelling the story,
they came to look like this.
Yay! Way to let them score that easily.
Now you're sitting down. Awesome.
Addison, it's not soccer.
You don't kick the ball!
Unless that's something
that you think is fun,
in which case, great job having fun.
Whoa, that was a foul, wasn't it, ref?
My name's not Ref. It's Kenny.
And watch your tone.
No tone, Kenny. Great job, Kenny.
Thanks a lot, Kenny. See you later, Kenny.
All right, Barney. As your manager,
I'm throwing in the towel.
This bet is over.
Your ear looks like a free Danish
at a continental breakfast.
No. No. One thing left. "Beer bong. "
Oh! Coming right up.
I found these weird Russian beers
in the basement.
Russian beers? I'll take a brewski.
Hey. Brewski. Get it?
Yeah, it's a little warm.
Hope that's not a problem.
Don't. Okay. Don't, don't, don't.
All right, Ted. You win. I hate this.
I hate all of it. My back is killing me.
Everyone at the rave thought I was a narc.
My ear hurts so bad I can hear it.
I can hear my own ear. Think about that.
My clothes...
What is it... What is it... What am I...
Get this stuff off of me!
Ted, I'll pay you double for your finest suit.
Here's 30 bucks.
And throw in the shoes.
You win, Ted.
I'll never do anything on
the Murtaugh list again.
I'm too old for this stuff.
You know, Barney, last night,
I went to bed at 8:00
because it was on the list,
and I couldn't sleep because,
well, it was 8:00.
<i>So I decided to watch Lethal Weapon.
<i>And then, when I still couldn't sleep,
I watched Lethal Weapon 2.
<i>And then I watched 3.
<i>And then, halfway through
Lethal Weapon 4
<i>is when it occurred to me.
Murtaugh kept saying,
"I'm too old for this stuff,"
but every time he'd say it,
he'd turn around, make another movie
and do more stuff.
I guess what I'm saying is,
screw being old.
- Let's go TP laser tag, huh?
- Yeah.
And then the hospital.
Great job, guys.
At least we're not keeping score, right?
No idea what the score is.
Could be 53 to zero.
Could be some other score.
It's 53 to zero.
What are we doing wrong, Coach?
You know what?
You're not doing anything wrong.
It's great that you guys are losing,
because in life, it doesn't matter
how much effort you put in,
or how hard you try,
people will just give you things
like diplomas and jobs and promotions.
So, it doesn't matter what
you do out there,
as long as you have fun.
<i>At that point, because they
didn't want to fight in front of the kids,
<i>your uncle Marshall and aunt Lily
had one of their telepathic conversations.
<i>Don't you give me that look.
Lily, I can't take it anymore!
<i>- Your way of coaching is crazy!
Stop yelling at me!
<i>Sorry.
<i>But can I please do it my way?
<i>Fine, but I'm going to do it
my way, too. I'm getting my guitar.
<i>I don't know if it was
Marshall's tough attitude,
<i>Lily's gentle encouragement
<i>or some magical combination of the two,
<i>but in the second half of that game,
that ragtag group of little firecrackers
<i>got beat down even worse.
<i>In fact, according to your uncle Marshall,
<i>in the second half,
the other team got even taller.
<i>And one of them turned into a Teen Wolf.
Kenny! There is a Teen Wolf on the court!
That can't be legal.
I know the Teen Wolf looks different, kids,
but try to make sure he feels included.
Oh, yeah!
How is that not traveling, Kenny?
You're killing me!
- You are absolutely killing me!
- Hey, watch it, Coach,
or you'll get a technical.
Oh, Kenny, I'm begging you
to give me a technical.
<i>When the final horn
mercifully blew,
<i>the score was, by Marshall's estimate,
118 to nothing.
<i>And even though they didn't win anything,
<i>everyone, even the coach,
got a participation trophy.
I understand if you don't want it.
I love it.
I just... I worked so hard. It feels good
to be appreciated for my effort.
I know, baby.
Maybe your way is not totally stupid.
Thanks.
Your way is totally stupid.
Ow!
McCRACKEN: Stinson!
Son,
you have been a pain in my ass
ever since you joined this club.
But damn it, if this ain't some of
the finest TP work I've ever seen.
You're reinstated,
- effective immediately.
- Really?
Hell, no! I'm calling the police!
Grown-ass man with pink hair
throwing toilet paper.
You've got to be kidding me,
I'm too old for this...
<i>Stuff, he said, "Stuff. "
at laser tag last night.
People freaked out because
a creepy man in a suit
- wouldn't leave their kids alone?
- No.
Well, yeah, pretty much.
Come on!
Ow! My shoulder!
- Come on.
Stinson, my office! Now!
Crap.
Disorderly game play,
three counts of shoving, and now this!
Stinson, you're a liability!
I know I don't play by
your "precious rules," McCracken,
but damn it, I get results!
Look, you're a good laser tag player,
maybe the best I've ever seen.
But one of these days,
you're gonna get someone hurt.
Maybe even yourself.
You just forget what it's like out there.
You've had your fat ass stuck behind
that desk for too long.
That's it! You're out of here, Stinson!
- Hand in your gun and your ID badge!
- With pleasure.
Please don't do this. This game is all I got.
And I've almost got enough tickets
for the remote-control helicopter.
Please.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
But I'm gonna give you one last shot.
But so help me,
if you so much as step one toe out of line,
<i>you're gonna be playing Duck Hunt
in your mama's basement
so fast it's gonna make your head spin.
Now, get out of here!
You won't regret this.
Whoa.
That's it, Stinson. You're banned for life!
No!
I can't believe you got kicked out of
laser tag. What are you gonna do?
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
I'll tell you what Ted and I are gonna do.
We're gonna break in after hours
and TP the place.
Barney, we are too old to cover
a place in toilet paper
just because they won't
let you play laser tag.
And for that matter,
we're too old for laser tag.
Ted, laser tag knows no age restrictions.
- Kind of like stripping in the Midwest.
- Yeah, whatever.
- I'm adding laser tag to the Murtaugh list.
- Oh, jeez, not the Murtaugh list.
- Yeah.
- What's the Murtaugh list?
<i>The Murtaugh list
is something that came into being
<i>around the time I turned 30.
<i>It all started with
your uncle Marshall's beer bong.
<i>When we were in our early 20s,
every time we had a party,
<i>that beer bong came out.
<i>And around the time we turned 30,
same thing.
<i>Of course, in our early 20s,
the next day would go like this.
<i>But by the time we were 30,
the next day would go like this.
<i>Then one day, in the throes of
the worst hangover of my life,
<i>I realized there was only one person
in the world that I could relate to.
<i>Detective Roger Murtaugh,
played by Danny Glover
<i>in the '80s noir masterpiece
Lethal Weapon,
<i>known for his oft-quoted catchphrase...
I'm too old for this...
<i>Stuff. He said,
"I'm too old for this stuff. "
It's sad to admit, but as you get older,
there's just certain things
you can't do anymore.
That's why I have this list,
so I never make the mistake of thinking
that I can still pull an all-nighter.
Oh.
I'm too old for that stuff.
Or eat an entire pizza in one sitting.
I'm too old for that stuff.
Or hang posters on your wall
without frames.
Riggs. Riggs!
I'm too old for that stuff.
<i>By the way, how good is Lethal Weapon?
I don't know. It's kind of a rip-off.
Old guy paired up
with a young, renegade cop.
Sound familiar?
<i>Mackleroy and LeFleur.
<i>Don't tell me you guys
have never seen Mackleroy and LeFleur.
It's the greatest Canadian action movie
of all time.
Mackleroy is a young, renegade Mountie
whose horse was just killed
- by evil Americans...
- Wait.
...while LeFleur, his grouchy,
old, African-Canadian partner,
- just bought a cozy ice-fishing shack...
- Wait.
...in northern Alberta.
- Now...
- Stop it!
- I got to go.
- Bye, baby. Have fun at practice.
Practice? Is he doing
that one-man band thing again?
'Cause that was a bummer.
<i>Actually,
Marshall had just taken over as coach
<i>for Lily's kindergarten basketball team.
<i>He thought it'd be fun,
but Lily saw it as something more.
<i>Dad practice.
- Hi.
- Hey! Oh, my gosh!
Orange slices. That is so sweet.
What are you doing here?
I couldn't resist. I wanted to see
Coach Marshmallow do his thing.
Oh!
Okay.
Hey, kids, who wants to knock off early
and have some of these here
orange slices?
Yeah? Well, you can't!
Because oranges are for winners,
and you little turds
haven't even made a single shot yet!
You're embarrassing yourselves,
you're embarrassing Miss Aldrin,
and worst of all, you're embarrassing me!
That's it! Suicides! Baseline! Now!
Run.
Ted, there is not a single thing on here
that you are too old to do.
In fact, if you did everything
on the Murtaugh list,
I'd call that a pretty fun weekend.
Barney, you are not 18 anymore.
If you did everything on that list,
you would die.
- That wasn't a challenge.
- Challenge accepted.
In the next 24 hours, I'm going to do
every single thing on this list.
And after I do, you will TP
the laser tag place with me.
And if you can't do it?
I will spend three hours
listening to you talk about architecture.
You have got yourself a deal.
Robin, will you do the honors?
A gentlemen's agreement!
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
All right, chumps, let's do this.
Barney Stinson!
You really want to make this bet with him?
You know how he is.
Robin, there is some pretty tough stuff
on that list.
Do you really think
Barney's gonna get his ear pierced?
"Get ear pierced. " Check.
All right, I'm off to go
do laundry at Mom's house.
Hey, you guys mind if I crash
on your futon tonight?
- We don't have a futon.
- Put it over there, boys.
- What's going on?
- It's on the Murtaugh list.
"Crash on a friend's futon
instead of getting a hotel room. "
I am too old for that stuff.
Dude, what's going on with your ear?
It looks like the inside of a jack-o'- lantern
on November 3rd.
What, this? Just a little infectsh.
Nothing a young guy like me
can't shake off.
Plus, "Put off going to the doctor,"
on the list.
Oh. Hold on.
Go for...
Keep running!
You know what's funny is I was
supposed to come here to teach them...
Do not stop running!
This whole time, they've been the ones
who are teaching me. Hey!
That's not running! That's falling!
<i>The next morning, Barney
woke up on the futon in our living room.
Check.
"Drinking shots with strangers. " Check.
You okay, Barney?
It looks like you hurt your back.
Oh, no. Just rocking a party hunch. I like it.
Closer to my booze. To youth.
Can I get a straw?
I must say, there is something admirable
about the way Barney wants
to stay young at heart.
- I mean, who wants to get old?
- This guy.
Robin, life is a meal
and old age is the dessert.
I spend so much of my time worrying
about the future.
You know, "Where's my career going?
Who am I gonna marry?"
But when you're old, you don't worry,
'cause all that stuff's already happened.
Plus, you get to wear comfy shoes,
and a chair takes you
up and down the stairs. It's perfect.
That's not perfect. That's pathetic.
You can't just jump to the end.
The journey is the best part.
Oh, Robin, I used to feel that way, too,
but you'll understand when
you're a little bit older.
Marshall, can you try
not to pick on the kids today?
I'm not picking on the kids, Lily.
I'm picking on the culture of losing
around here.
I got to get them in shape
if they're gonna win that game tomorrow.
Win? We don't keep score.
- What?
- We don't keep score.
You don't keep...
What's the point of playing if you don't
keep score? How do you know...
Lily, what were you doing with this team
before I got here?
I was coaching them.
Whee!
That's it, my little angels.
You're all luminous,
wonderful beings of light.
- What's the score?
- It's all tied up at fun to fun!
Because that's the point of playing,
to have fun.
No. The point of playing is
to win the trophy.
And if you don't know who's winning,
who gets the trophy?
Everyone. It's a participation trophy.
Everyone gets one.
It's like you're speaking Chinese
to me right now.
- Hi, this is Barney.
- And Robin.
We can't answer the phone right
now because...
He's watching sports and I'm...
Probably out shopping.
Uh-oh!
Leave a message and we'll call you
back just as soon...
- As...
- We...
- Can!
- Can!
"Leave an annoying two-person message
on your answering machine. " Check.
Probably gonna cost me some dates,
but it's okay.
- Barney, your ear's starting to smell.
- No, it's good.
I hate to send it back, but you did describe
the turkey as extremely lean,
and, well, you tell me.
All right. That's it.
- We have our own list.
- What?
This is a list of things
you're too young to do.
Go out and do each one of these things
and then tell me you still
want to be an old man.
Hmm.
Remove "Colonoscopy"
and "Have sex with an old lady,"
and this is a cakewalk.
New stakes, then. If I can finish your list
before you finish mine,
you have to come with me to TP laser tag,
and you have to buy the toilet paper.
And none of that biodegradable crap.
I want it up there forever.
Fine, but if I finish your list first,
it's a six-hour survey of early 20th-century
American architecture,
and you can never do anything
on the Murtaugh list ever again.
- It's for your own good.
- You, sir, have got yourself a deal.
A gentlemen's agreement!
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
Marshall, they're in kindergarten.
This isn't how you teach basketball.
- Sure it is. It's the way I learned.
- Are you kidding me?
What kind of sociopath
taught you this way?
- Come on, Dad. I'm tired.
- Sleep is for winners.
You can go to bed
when you score a basket.
- I'm trying.
- Let's give you two points for trying.
But negative two points
for having a great big head.
My father gave me no quarter,
and I asked for no quarter.
I totally gotta call that guy.
Keep stretching!
"Put on reading glasses. " Check.
"Yell at neighborhood kids. " My pleasure.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What the hell happened to you?
- Oh, I just had a very minor
blew-out-my-knee-and-it-hurts-like-hell
incident.
How'd you blow out your knee?
We "Helped someone move out of
a sixth-floor walk-up
"in exchange for pizza and beer. "
Or we helped someone
rob a sixth-floor walk-up.
They were in a big hurry
and left all the pictures behind.
Whatevs. It counts.
Now I am off to
"Dye my hair a funny color,"
- and then we are going to "Go to a rave. "
- Mmm-hmm.
Ooh! 4:00! Supper time.
Okay. So, your dad was tough on you.
That stinks,
but you don't have to be like him.
You can learn from his mistakes.
Mistakes? Lily, scoreboard.
The guy nailed it, okay?
He taught me how to be a winner.
That's what I'm teaching these kids.
And, for that matter,
that's what I'm gonna teach
our kids someday.
Okay, that's it. This is not how
we're gonna raise our kids!
And this is not how you're
gonna coach this team!
At tomorrow's game,
if you are anything less
than a teddy bear stuffed
with cotton candy and rainbows,
I will silent-treatment your ass
into the ground!
You'll think the time I found your Internet
search history was a freaking picnic!
Are we clear?
Lily, there are many different...
- Are we clear?
- Yes, ma'am.
You know, what's ironic is that now...
Lily, no!
Just call Ted. I want to go home.
All right. I'm calling him.
But it's 4:30 in the morning.
He's not going to be awake.
"Up at 4:00." Check.
- Is he answering?
- I haven't dialed yet.
Oh, please hurry, Robin.
Ooh, perfect.
"Take forever to answer the phone. "
Come on, Ted.
Someone gave me some aspirin
and I don't think it was aspirin.
Check.
So, I know that I have been a little tough
on you for the past couple days.
And I apologize for that.
So today, we're not gonna worry
about winning.
We're gonna go out there and have fun.
<i>Kids, over the years,
your uncle Marshall has told and retold
<i>the story of this game hundreds of times.
<i>And in reality, the kids on that other team
<i>were probably only a grade older.
<i>But in telling and retelling the story,
they came to look like this.
Yay! Way to let them score that easily.
Now you're sitting down. Awesome.
Addison, it's not soccer.
You don't kick the ball!
Unless that's something
that you think is fun,
in which case, great job having fun.
Whoa, that was a foul, wasn't it, ref?
My name's not Ref. It's Kenny.
And watch your tone.
No tone, Kenny. Great job, Kenny.
Thanks a lot, Kenny. See you later, Kenny.
All right, Barney. As your manager,
I'm throwing in the towel.
This bet is over.
Your ear looks like a free Danish
at a continental breakfast.
No. No. One thing left. "Beer bong. "
Oh! Coming right up.
I found these weird Russian beers
in the basement.
Russian beers? I'll take a brewski.
Hey. Brewski. Get it?
Yeah, it's a little warm.
Hope that's not a problem.
Don't. Okay. Don't, don't, don't.
All right, Ted. You win. I hate this.
I hate all of it. My back is killing me.
Everyone at the rave thought I was a narc.
My ear hurts so bad I can hear it.
I can hear my own ear. Think about that.
My clothes...
What is it... What is it... What am I...
Get this stuff off of me!
Ted, I'll pay you double for your finest suit.
Here's 30 bucks.
And throw in the shoes.
You win, Ted.
I'll never do anything on
the Murtaugh list again.
I'm too old for this stuff.
You know, Barney, last night,
I went to bed at 8:00
because it was on the list,
and I couldn't sleep because,
well, it was 8:00.
<i>So I decided to watch Lethal Weapon.
<i>And then, when I still couldn't sleep,
I watched Lethal Weapon 2.
<i>And then I watched 3.
<i>And then, halfway through
Lethal Weapon 4
<i>is when it occurred to me.
Murtaugh kept saying,
"I'm too old for this stuff,"
but every time he'd say it,
he'd turn around, make another movie
and do more stuff.
I guess what I'm saying is,
screw being old.
- Let's go TP laser tag, huh?
- Yeah.
And then the hospital.
Great job, guys.
At least we're not keeping score, right?
No idea what the score is.
Could be 53 to zero.
Could be some other score.
It's 53 to zero.
What are we doing wrong, Coach?
You know what?
You're not doing anything wrong.
It's great that you guys are losing,
because in life, it doesn't matter
how much effort you put in,
or how hard you try,
people will just give you things
like diplomas and jobs and promotions.
So, it doesn't matter what
you do out there,
as long as you have fun.
<i>At that point, because they
didn't want to fight in front of the kids,
<i>your uncle Marshall and aunt Lily
had one of their telepathic conversations.
<i>Don't you give me that look.
Lily, I can't take it anymore!
<i>- Your way of coaching is crazy!
Stop yelling at me!
<i>Sorry.
<i>But can I please do it my way?
<i>Fine, but I'm going to do it
my way, too. I'm getting my guitar.
<i>I don't know if it was
Marshall's tough attitude,
<i>Lily's gentle encouragement
<i>or some magical combination of the two,
<i>but in the second half of that game,
that ragtag group of little firecrackers
<i>got beat down even worse.
<i>In fact, according to your uncle Marshall,
<i>in the second half,
the other team got even taller.
<i>And one of them turned into a Teen Wolf.
Kenny! There is a Teen Wolf on the court!
That can't be legal.
I know the Teen Wolf looks different, kids,
but try to make sure he feels included.
Oh, yeah!
How is that not traveling, Kenny?
You're killing me!
- You are absolutely killing me!
- Hey, watch it, Coach,
or you'll get a technical.
Oh, Kenny, I'm begging you
to give me a technical.
<i>When the final horn
mercifully blew,
<i>the score was, by Marshall's estimate,
118 to nothing.
<i>And even though they didn't win anything,
<i>everyone, even the coach,
got a participation trophy.
I understand if you don't want it.
I love it.
I just... I worked so hard. It feels good
to be appreciated for my effort.
I know, baby.
Maybe your way is not totally stupid.
Thanks.
Your way is totally stupid.
Ow!
McCRACKEN: Stinson!
Son,
you have been a pain in my ass
ever since you joined this club.
But damn it, if this ain't some of
the finest TP work I've ever seen.
You're reinstated,
- effective immediately.
- Really?
Hell, no! I'm calling the police!
Grown-ass man with pink hair
throwing toilet paper.
You've got to be kidding me,
I'm too old for this...
<i>Stuff, he said, "Stuff. "
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