Kids, the key to a good
relationship is communication.
- You need to talk.
- How about Mimi's?
Nah, I don't really
feel like Mimi's.
Well, I'm hungry.
Let's just pick a place and go.
Oh, you know where we
should go? Cynthia's.
You love that place--
remember what a great time we had
the last time we were there?
- We did?
- Yeah, yeah.
We had that crazy waiter who kept going,
"You two should get married!
You two should get married!"
It's also important to
know when to stop talking.
Come on. Then we stepped outside.
It was raining.
It was so romantic?
How can you not remember this?
Because it wasn't me.
Oh, right!
It was...
my sister.
You see,
by the time you've hit your late 20s,
you've dated a few people,
but when you're in a relationship,
it's common courtesy to pretend
that you haven't.
Oh, my God, Van Helsing is on.
Remember when we
went to see it?
We sat in the back row.
I've never seen Van Helsing.
That's right.
I saw it with my sister.
My boss just got
back from Maui.
He said it was really romantic.
Oh, it's so romantic.
When were you in Maui?
- I... went... with my sister.
- With my sister.
Why do you always say that?
Look, we're not 16.
We've both dated other people.
It's silly to try to
act like we didn't.
You're right.
We should just be honest.
Totally.
See that girl over there?
Three years ago,
I totally made out with her.
I don't want to hear that.
- What? You said...
- God, that is so insensitive.
- Remember honesty...?
- You're a jerk!
Well, you're...
confusing.
Transcript : Raceman
Subtitles : Willow's Team
www.forom.com
Okay, so you have to
have sex with one.
Either classic mermaid;
bottom half fish, top half human,
or inverted mermaid,
top half fish, bottom half human.
Go!
I don't know. Is she fat?
Yeah, but it's a fish,
so it's the good kind of fat.
Hot off the presses!
I-I don't take flyers.
You took one two seconds
before you walked in here.
That's different.
It was for a strip club.
Two bucks off wings.
How much is your flyer
going to save me on wings?
Fine. It's a flyer
from my play.
Oh, Lily, I'd love to,
but we're not in college
and I'm not trying
to sleep with you.
- So anyway, this mermaid...
- Hey, Lily's friend asked her
to be in this play,
and it's gonna be really good.
Lily, I love you,
but we're too old for this.
Asking someone to
come see your play
is like asking someone
for a ride to the airport
or to crash on your couch
or to help you move.
Call a cab, book a room,
hire some movers
and repeat after me:
Friends don't let friends
come see their crappy play.
Okay, first of all,
I've thought about it and top half fish.
Second of all, we need you guys
to decide something for us.
Yes, you should break up.
So, earlier tonight...
Mm, we should get
down to the bar.
I know we should,
but you just look so sexy
in my red sweatshirt.
Oh, God,
why is this part of the story?
We're getting to it.
Damn, my face is so dry.
Is there any moisturizer around here?
Yeah, there's some
in the bathroom.
Got to moisturize!
Got to keep that
pretty face moist.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- What's wrong with her?
- She hates that word.
- What word, "moist"?
- No! Seriously, stop!
So, anyway, Ted goes into the
bathroom to get the moist...
face lotion...
Wow, this is great stuff.
Now I know the secret to
your great complexion.
What are you talking about?
It's yours.
No, it's not.
Oh, well...
then I guess it's Lily's.
No, it's not.
Whose moisturizer is this, Ted?
Um, my sister's.
So, in other words,
some girl you went out with.
Um... I love you.
Disgusting. You let me put on the
same moisturizer as one of your exes?
It was probably Carla's.
Her face was a train wreck.
I'm don't think Ted was
dating her for her face.
Thank you, Marshall.
Thank you so much.
Why is that still
in your apartment?
I don't know.
I just never threw it out.
Well, why not? Do you still
have feelings for this girl?
Yeah. I'm madly
in love with her,
and the only way
I can deal with it
is by holding onto a
three-dollar tube of lotion.
Not three dollars! Try 14.
Why is this such a big deal?
Because I don't want to use
some whore's moisturizer!
Whoa, she wasn't a whore.
Well, she's leaving expensive
lotions all over town.
It sounds like a whore to me.
What else do you have from old
girlfriends just lying around?
Nothing. That's it.
Well, except for
the phone booth.
And the lamp by the desk...
and the...
N o.
No! No! Oh, Ted!
Ah, the age-old question:
after you break up with someone,
what do you do with the stuff?
Question? Ain't no
question, girl.
Obviously, he's got
to get rid of it.
Which is obviously crazy and obviously,
I'm not gonna do it.
So we agreed that we
would let you guys decide.
Yeah, like we did with
Marshall's pants.
Ah, the 2005 landmark case of Lily v.
The Joey Buttafuoco Pants.
Nice, right?
I'm gonna have to say no.
I don't want some 16-year-old
girl falling in love with you
and then shooting
Lily in the face.
Yes!
I vote they can stay.
"Check out the jackass in the
parachute pants" is a good icebreaker.
Ted.
Ted? Ted?
Sorry, buddy,
it's a "no" for me, too.
Oh, and by the way,
Bel Biv Devoe called.
Even they don't want
those pants back.
They were insanely comfortable!
They were like pajamas
you could wear outside.
Marshall, it's over.
We even gave you an appeal and they
didn't look any better with combat boots.
All right, well, let's hear the
arguments. Ted, you go first.
Okay. The fact that I still have things
from ex-girlfriends is no big deal.
I mean,
when I see the phone booth on the piano,
I don't think of
Jeannie Radford,
I think of the good times I
had backpacking through Europe.
And when I see the lamp,
I don't think of Allison Moses.
I remember when I was broke,
just out of college,
and I really needed a lamp.
And when I see that throw pillow,
I don't think of Lauren Stein.
I think of that weird orange-brown
stain and how it got there.
Creamsicle and turkey gravy,
not at the same time.
Well, that's adorable,
but from now on, when I walk into the
apartment, here is what I will see.
I'm Ted's college girlfriend.
He made me 12 mix tapes.
How many has he made you?
He calls you "sweetie pie"?
He called me "sweetie pie."
I'm stupid,
but my rack is bigger than yours.
Really? You can't
look at a pillow
without seeing my ex-girlfriend--
a pillow!
Yes, Ted, the fact that you still
have that pillow is creepy and gross.
- You're creepy and gross.
- Your mom's creepy and gross.
Order! Order!
I got to side with Robin.
She's your girlfriend, and if the stuff
upsets her, you got to get rid of it.
I've got to side with Ted.
Just 'cause you still have
something an ex-girlfriend gave you
doesn't mean you're
holding onto her.
All right, Barney.
It all comes down to you.
- I side with Robin.
- What?
Ted, your place
is too cluttered.
It's like you're living
in a Bennigan's.
Or a Danby's.
What, they don't have
Danby's in the US?
Really?
Well, then were do you get
Grizzly Paw ice cream sandwiches?
Just stop, sweetie.
So I had no choice.
I packed up everything I had
gotten from ex-girlfriends.
It was painful,
but not as painful as what I
had to endure later that night.
New York is famous
for its theater,
but there's many
different levels.
There's Broadway,
off-Broadway,
off-off-Broadway,
homeless people
screaming in the park,
and then below that,
the play Aunt Lily was in.
Eight flights, of stairs.
Who puts a theater up
eight flights of stairs?
What kind of building is this?
From the smell of it,
I'm guessing a urine factory.
Where do you guys want to sit?
I know where I
don't want to sit.
Guys, four together!
I brought a bag in case
anyone needs to puke.
Come on.
It's not gonna be that bad.
No? Okay.
I... am... Rage!
I... am Greed.
I am Rage... Envy!
I am outta here.
No, you're not.
You have to stay.
This is the face
of Consumerism!
Oh, my God.
Ted's part of the play.
Hello, Greed, Rage...
Envy...
and Consumerism.
I... am your father...
America!
Oh, baby, that was wonderful!
Totally, I had no idea
Greed was the killer.
And when it became a
play within a play,
I was, like,
"Now we are really cookin'!"
Wow, Lily, that sucked!
Barney!
What? It was terrible.
I mean, come on.
You guys agree, right?
Hey, sorry, I'm just being honest
'cause, you know, we're friends.
No, friends make each
other feel good.
They build each other
up and support them.
That's what being a
good friend is about.
Yeah, if you're a Smurf.
You know if you did a play,
I would sit through the whole thing
and I would compliment
you on it afterwards.
Oh, really? You would?
Yes.
Bad move, Aldrin, bad move.
We'll be starting our
Q&A with the director--
yours truly--
in five minutes right here.
Can you believe Barney said
that about Lily's play?
I know.
He can be really insensitive.
It was pretty bad, though.
Oh, my God, it was so bad.
Oh, my God, you've been robbed!
Nope.
All that stuff was
from old girlfriends?
Don't you buy anything
for yourself?
What can I say?
Papa gets swag.
And that should've been the end of it.
But the next day...
You know, at first I was really bummed
about getting rid of all my stuff.
But seeing how happy it makes you--
totally worth it.
Mm, that's kind of how I feel when
I begrudgingly have sex with you
when I'm really tired.
Exactly. Sometimes you
gotta take one for the team.
Well, sit. Sit, yeah.
So you never keep anything
your ex-boyfriends gave you?
Nope.
Well, except for my dogs.
So I had to get rid of everything
from my past relationships
because you don't keep things
from your past relationships
except, uh, where are your five
dogs from? Oh, that's right:
your past relationships.
What's your point, Ted?
Well, you know how you said
you come over to my apartment,
and all you can see
are my ex-girlfriends?
What, so when you look at my dogs,
all you see is my ex-boyfriends?
I do now.
That's ridiculous.
I thought you said you got rid of
everything your ex-boyfriends gave you.
Well, yeah, but not my dogs.
You said everything.
But not living things.
Well, tell that to the rare
Bolivian cactus I threw away.
Things with a
heartbeat can stay.
Enjoying this?
Pickles, go get your ball.
Go get your ball.
Just admit it.
It was a little hypocritical of you
to make me get rid
of all my stuff.
Well, what do you want me to do, Ted?
Get rid of my dogs?
Guess what position
we did it in.
Yes. Yes,
I want you to get rid of your dogs.
Um, no.
Really? Well,
I say we take it to the group,
but I don't like your chances.
She's not getting
rid of the dogs.
What's the matter with you?
- Even I wouldn't do that.
- Yes!
You can ask somebody to get rid of their
iguana after it poops in your hair,
but not their dog.
I miss Jebediah.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Flyers for my new play.
Very funny.
Oh, it's not a joke.
It's my one-man show
premiering tomorrow night.
And even though it's terrible
and excruciatingly long,
I expect you all to be there
since we're such good friends.
Oh, we'll be there.
Unless, of course, you just want
to admit that you were wrong...
- Never.
- Good.
Okay, I gotta go rehearse.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Bring a poncho;
the first three rows get wet.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
where the dogs came from.
I'm sorry I asked you
to get rid of them.
That was ridiculous.
So we're-we're okay?
Yeah, we're great.
And I thought we were,
but just as it did in the
seventh act of Aunt Lily's play,
Jealousy reared its ugly head.
Oh, yeah, that's the spot.
Dude, I gotta pee.
I gotta go.
Oh, he's really having trouble
dealing with this, huh?
Yeah, he really is.
It's got me thinking,
maybe I should get rid of my dogs.
Might be time to send
them to the farm.
- You're gonna kill your dogs?!
- No! No, no, no,
there really is a farm.
My aunt has a farm upstate.
Oh, thank God.
Aw, you know,
if I were five dogs,
I'd rather live on a farm than
in an apartment in Brooklyn.
Yeah. I could visit
them on weekends.
My aunt is awfully lonely up there.
It's just her and her lover, Betty.
Oh, that's perfect.
They love dogs.
"They"? What do
you mean by "they"?
Uh... uh.... uh...
People upstate.
Oh, look, it's starting. Shh!
Are you sure you're
gonna be okay?
I mean,
you know that this is gonna be...
I know, but I'm gonna sit
through the whole thing,
and I'm gonna say something
nice about it afterwards.
You know why?
Because that's what friends do.
Moist.
Moist.
Moist.
Moist.
That was the first 40
minutes of Barney's show.
Moist.
And then we endured
about 20 minutes of this.
I have to go refill.
I'll be back in a moment.
Play's not over.
I never get picked for
audience participation.
And then it just got weird.
Feelings.
Inside.
Oh, no!
And when that didn't work...
Okay! Stop!
You win. Fine.
Barney, I'm sorry I made
you come to my show.
Thank you, Lily.
Is there anything you'd
like to say about my show?
No.
No, I have nothing nice
to say about your show.
You were right, Barney.
Let's go to the bar.
Yes! I win!
I love winning!
Oh, Lily. Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily.
I was just getting
warmed up, man!
If you had any idea what was
coming up in act two... oh!
Well, I imagine it was pretty awful,
so let's go.
Pretty awful? Pretty awful?!
It was a masterpiece of awful.
It's genius how bad it is.
I kind of wish you guys could see it.
Yeah, well, anyway.
Act two is where I
really hit my stride.
Spoiler alert:
the robot falls in love.
How about this, Barney?
How about we stay
and-and watch the
rest of your show?
It's your funeral.
Five, six, one, two.
So we stayed and let Barney torture
us for another hour and a half,
'cause that's what
friends do, apparently.
Hey.
Where've you been?
I called you earlier.
I gave my dogs away to my aunt.
You what?
Yeah. Just for a few months
as a test run, but...
I think it's for the best.
Wow.
Oh, man.
Can we go inside?
Uh, no.
Uh, let's go to the bar.
Why? What's going on inside?
- Um, the floors are gone.
- What?
Yeah. I-I sent them out to get,
um, fixed.
This is a terrible lie.
I'm just going to bail.
I didn't know you were
getting rid of the dogs!
You said you threw
all that stuff away!
Kids, this was the worst
fight Robin and I ever had.
It was one of those fights
that last for hours
and you start to get woozy and lose
track of what you're fighting about.
We fought for so long,
seasons changed outside the window.
Pages of the calendar blew off.
It was crazy.
But, ultimately, and I couldn't
tell you how for the life of me,
but somehow we got to here.
We're really doing this?
Yeah.
- We're moving in together!
- We're moving in together!
The robot found love
Confusing my circuitry
My software's been hacked
Toaster oven
You're the one for me
Two, three, four.
That's two.
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