Ladies and gentlemen,
for the first time ever
Mr. and Marshall Eriksen
and Lily Aldrin.
Does it make you kind of sad that
we don't share the same last name?
You know, in a totally evolved
21st-century kind of way,
yeah, a little.
You know what we should do?
We should come up with
a whole new last name.
Oh, that's easy--
Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
I got it. You ready?
- You ready?
- Yeah.
Lily and Marshall Awesome.
Have you met the Awesomes?
Marshall, Lily, their son,
Totally and their daughter, Freakin'?
I love you, Mr. Awesome.
I love you, Mrs. Awesome.
- So...
- So...
Wedding's over.
Yes, it is.
I guess starting tomorrow,
we can tell people.
Tell people what?
Hi, Barney.
Tell people what?
The food looks delicious,
doesn't it?
Tell people what?
Nothing.
Oh, okay. Tell people what?
Can we talk about this later?
Absolutely. Tell people what?
- Hi. Have you met Barney?
- Hey. Barney Stinson.
Lovely dress.
I know, I'm sick of these things, too.
It's like the same wedding over and
over again. You're totally right.
You want to dance? Great,
see you out there. Tell people what?
Look, this is just not something we want
to talk about right now, okay, Barney?
Okay.
Whoo, that was a close one.
Think he'll actually let it go?
Tell people what?
Tell people what? Tell people what?
Tell people what?
Tell people...
There's a black Nissan Stanza in
the parking lot with it's lights on.
Tell people what?
Tell people what?
Subtitles : Willow's Team
Transcript : Raceman
www.forom.com
Can I get a water please?
- Tell people what?
- Oh, God! Okay.
Look, we have some... news.
But we don't want to draw attention
away from Lily and Marshall's big day.
So just forget about it until
they leave for the honeymoon.
Fine.
- It's pretty big, though.
- Oh, my God, just tell me!
- Oh, help us.
- What's wrong?
We're starving.
We planned this amazing
meal with the caterers,
and we haven't
had a bite of it.
Every time we get near the food,
we get cocktail weiner blocked.
Marshall!
We haven't eaten all day.
All right,
let's run some interference.
Yeah, we'll get you back to your table.
Come on.
Oh, there you are.
My dear, you look so beautiful.
Thanks, Grammie,
but we really need to...
And you...
you look like a 1940s movie star.
And you look like a pepper-crusted
rack of lamb with mint jelly.
All right,
let's get these two back to their table.
We will see you on the floor for
the conga line later, won't we?
The answer to that one
was decided weeks earlier.
Conga line.
Oh, yes, definitely.
How about a slide show of
you guys through the years
set to Green Day's
"Time of Your Life"
and ending with your baby
photos side by side.
Oh, that's great.
Going on the list.
What list?
Horrible wedding clichés we're not going
to touch with a ten-foot limbo pole.
Oh, like First Corinthians?
That Bible verse?
They do that at every wedding.
How's it go?
"Love is patient and kind.
"Love does not envy or boast.
"It is not arrogant or rude.
"Love does not insist
on it's own way.
"It is not irritable
or resentful.
"Love bears all things,
"believes all things,
"hopes all things...
"endures all things."
- Lame.
- Going on the list.
We've done it.
A wedding with zero clichés.
Wait, isn't doing it in the reception
hall bathroom kind of a cliché?
Well, okay, one cliché.
Well, technically two.
No! They cleared
our plates again!
Pepper-crusted rack of lamb,
where did you go?!
It's my wedding night.
I was supposed to have my way with you.
Well, you still have me.
Yeah...
Anyway, guys, we're kind of
in the middle of something,
so if you could go bicker or
share a tense, sexless silence
or whatever married people do
somewhere else, that'd be great.
No, Barney, this is my wedding,
and I will sit wherever
I damn well...
Are those mini quiches?
Tell the secret.
Okay, uh...
it was our anniversary,
so we went to this
restaurant Carmichael's,
which is where we went
on our first date.
Remember, the place where I stole
the blue French horn for Robin?
Oh, right, that was you.
I knew that was
somebody I knew.
What?
Dude, you were there.
That was like a big iconic
moment in all of our lives.
Maybe in your life--
I got a lot of stuff going on.
Okay, so we're sitting there
and the waiter comes over...
Champagne?
Um, we didn't order champagne.
Compliments of the house.
Wow.
Thanks.
Cheers.
And there, sitting at the bottom
of my champagne glass is...
Mini quiche.
You're a mega-douche.
Oh, that's right, they moved that
table back toward the kitchen,
because that's where they're setting
up a surprise chocolate fountain.
Oh, no, I gave it away.
So what was in the glass?
Right.
So the waiter comes up
with two glasses of Dom.
He says, "Champagne?"
"We didn't order any champagne."
"Compliments of
the house." "Wow."
You said that already!
Right. So Robin looks down,
and there at the
bottom of her glass...
Is an engagement ring.
Anything you want to say
to the bride and groom?
Don't get married.
Why don't I come back.
An engagement ring?
No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Ted, you cannot do
this to me. No.
No, no, no!
That's what she said.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Ted, you cannot do this to me.
No. No, no, no.
What are you talking about?
This. This is what I'm talking about.
What is this doing in my champagne?
Oh, God, listen...
I just got to get out of here.
That's not mine.
What?
That's not mine.
Then whose is it?
It's mine.
Janna...
will you marry me?
Yes.
Wow.
That was hilarious.
I was like... what?
Anyway.
What the hell was that?
What the hell was what?
That reaction?
I thought you were
proposing to me.
Really? Because it sounded like you
thought I was trying to set you on fire.
Ted, you know how I
feel about marriage.
Now more than ever.
I'm sorry,
were you planning on proposing tonight?
No.
Then why is this an issue?
Because even though you
don't want to get married,
I'd like to think the fact that
we've been together for a year,
and that we love each other
might get me a gentler reaction
than, "No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
"Ted, you cannot do this to me.
"No. No, no, no."
Okay, you're right, I just...
freaked out.
I don't know why.
I'm sorry.
Can we please just let it go?
No.
Hey, Stinson.
Never lie to a man about
a chocolate fountain.
So did you guys find
anything to eat?
I had four strawberries.
Was there a side of champagne
with each of the strawberries?
Yes.
Lily, you could have burped
or said the word "Yes,"
but the fact that you did both
is exactly why I married you.
Oh, look, more strawberries!
So what happened next?
- Ted, don't do this.
- No, seriously.
Where do you see
yourself in five years?
Where do you see yourself?
Honestly, in five years...
I probably want to be married.
And I probably want
to be in Argentina.
- Argentina?
- Or Tokyo, or Paris.
Look, Ted, I don't know where
I'm going to be in five years.
And I don't want to know.
I want my life to be an adventure.
We have an expiration date,
don't we?
Oh, my God.
You guys broke up.
You guys broke up.
I can't believe it.
Barney...
story's not over.
Can we please not talk about this here.
Can we go home?
Yeah, of course.
Uh, excuse me, I'm sorry about this.
Can we actually...
Oh, my God, it's you.
Wha... what?
You're the son of a bitch who
stole our blue French horn.
Run!
Run? Your strategy was run?
It was a perfectly good idea.
They didn't have our
credit card information.
They didn't know us from Adam.
I stand by it.
Yeah?
And how did that
work out for you?
I don't see why they had to keep
my credit card and driver's license
till we bring the horn back.
Well, come on, Ted,
can you blame them?
Look, I'm sorry about
the French horn.
I want to make this right.
So what we're going to do right now is,
we're going to run!
So... Argentina.
Argentina.
Why is this the first
I've heard of Argentina?
Mmm, American schools
suck at geography.
What would be the point in telling
you that I want to live in Argentina?
You don't want to live there.
I could want to
live in Argentina.
No, you couldn't.
I mean,
you life is here and your career.
I'm a journalist,
my career could take me anywhere,
and I hope it does.
Hey. I could be an
architect anywhere, too.
They have buildings
in Argentina.
And Paris. And even Tokyo.
I don't know if you ever saw Godzilla, but
he wasn't knocking down a bunch of tents.
So, what? You're saying you
want to move to Argentina?
Well, I always regretted not taking
a year in college to live abroad.
I just finished a
big project at work.
I got some money saved up.
If ever there were a time in my life to
do something like this, it's right now.
Let's move to Argentina.
Oh, shut up.
You're scared
I might not be kidding.
Aren't you?
Nope.
Your move, Scherbatsky.
Okay.
Let's do it--
let's move to Argentina.
No es posible!
Nobody moves to Argentina.
The Argentinean peso has dropped
two-thirds in five years,
the government is opposed
to free market reforms,
and the railroad has been a mess since
the breakup of Ferrocarriles Argentinos.
I hooked up with an
Argentinean exchange student
in a Porta-John
outside Yankee Stadium.
Man, she was chatty.
Right? Right?
You caught the bouquet?
Barney.
The story's not over yet.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What?
I don't know if I
can do this to you.
Do what?
Well, you say you want
to move to Argentina,
but you want to have kids.
Oh, right.
'Cause there are no kids there.
On Santa's map of the world,
there's a big black "X" over Argentina.
- You know what I mean.
- No, I don't.
Okay, say we had kids.
They wouldn't have to grow
up in some suburb somewhere.
They would grow up on the road
having adventures with us.
Think of all the Hard Rock Cafe
T-shirts they could collect.
Ted, you know that kids were
never a part of my plan.
But if I was going to
have someone's babies,
I'd have your babies.
That's when you run.
Tell me you ran, Ted.
Wait, wait, wait. We don't want to
start having babies right this second.
Do you have a...?
No, I don't.
Well, we probably shouldn't.
Yeah.
- Risk it?
- Risk it.
No.
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
if you're all gather around,
Lily and Marshall are
going to cut the cake.
No. Robin, you're not...
No, say the story's not over.
Come on,
they're cutting the cake.
Say the story's not over!
Oh, God, this is the 12th most worried
I've ever been that someone's pregnant.
Okay, Lily.
I'm really hungry, so let's just,
uh, aim for my mouth, okay?
Besides, the smearing the cake
thing's a cliché, remember?
No, it's going to be so funny.
Lily.
Lily, just feed me the cake.
Please, baby, I am so hungry.
Whoopsy-daisy.
And she's okay.
- She's all right.
- That was funny.
And it's time for
the honeymoon.
Guys, guys, guys.
Thank you so much.
We love you.
I love you.
Getting married, having kids.
It's all a mistake.
It's a horrible, horrible mistake.
God, this guy's
giving me nothing.
All right,
have fun in Scotland.
If you see the Loch Ness Monster,
tell him Ted Mosby says, "What's up?"
Nessie's a she, Ted, come on.
Hey, kiddo.
You are going to miss out
on a lot of awesome stuff.
You'll be at home with the kid
while I am out awesome-ing
all over the place.
And you're going to get fat.
The story's not over, Barney.
Okay, time to get the
horn back to the bistro.
Oh, Ted, I don't know if I can go again.
That tuckered me out.
Not a euphemism.
Right. Okay, let me just go change,
and we'll leave.
Whoa, whoa,
you get to change and I don't? Uh-uh.
Solidarity, sister.
That is crazy. I have a change of
clothes and you don't. Suck it up.
Well, if we'd actually moved in
together, all my stuff would be here,
but we didn't, so...
Yeah.
We were all talk, weren't we?
We're not doing this, are we?
I don't want to have
kids in Argentina.
And I don't want to
have kids in Argentina.
So where does that leave us?
Well...
we could stay together and...
pretend this stuff
doesn't matter.
Or...
we could give back
the blue French horn.
You stole a blue
French horn for me.
I would have stolen
you a whole orchestra.
You did break up.
Yep.
You're not pregnant?
Nope.
An-And Marshall and
Lily don't know?
Well, afterwards, uh,
we came by to tell you guys,
but Lily was pretty
stressed out, so...
We decided not to say anything
till after the wedding.
You guys okay?
Well, it hasn't been the easiest
two weeks of our lives, but...
But we're okay.
The open bar helps.
- Excuse me, Miss.
- Hi.
Could I have this dance?
Well, we knew this day
would come eventually.
Take care of her, little man.
This is by far the drunkest
I've ever seen you.
Uh, driver.
Hello!
Ranjit.
Hey, can we make a stop before
we head back to the hotel?
You do not have to stop.
You can be together as man
and wife right back there,
and because we are friends...
I will not watch.
Um, no,
we actually had something else in mind.
Okay.
Lily, go sit down.
Welcome to Wienerburger.
Hi.
Can we get a number one,
please, with no pickles?
And a number four
with no onions.
Let me guess.
Jefferson High prom?
No.
But thank you.
Actually, we just got married.
- Wow. Congratulations.
- Thank you.
That's $7.80.
- Hey, dude.
- Yeah.
I don't know how to say this, but
your wife just threw up in the trash.
My wife.
So Marshall and
Lily were married,
and Robin and I were broken up.
And as hard as it
was at the time,
in the end we both
got what we wanted.
She did eventually go
on to live in Argentina
and Morocco and Greece, Russia,
even Japan for a little while.
And I... well, I met your mom.
I think for the most part if
you're really honest with yourself
about what you
want out of life,
life gives it to you.
Of course, at that moment, all I
really wanted was a scotch and soda
and a cigar.
I'm really sorry
about you and Robin.
I know I was always joking around
about wanting you two to break up,
but you were really
good together.
Yeah...
we were.
She just wasn't the one,
you know?
The one. Oh, Ted, no.
Do not tell me you're going to
start searching for "the one" again.
The only time I want to
hear you saying "the one"
is if it's followed by the
word "hundredth." What up?
No, I need a break
from all that, I...
I just want to get out there and
have fun for a while, you know?
Really?
'Cause...
you know, you've been in
a relationship for a year.
You're going to...
be a little rusty.
- Yeah.
- I'm just saying...
you're gonna need, need,
need some help out there.
Could be.
Ted?
Yes, Barney.
Do you think...
Do you think maybe you might...
need a wingman again?
I do.
Yes!
Yes! We're back.
We are back.
And Ted, my boy,
it's going to be legend...
Wait for it.
Showing posts with label season 2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label season 2. Show all posts
5/17/2011
How I Met your Mother - S02E21 - Something Borrowed
In May of 2007,
Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall got married
at the historic Van Smoot
House in upstate New York.
Wow, it's beautiful, Lily.
Yeah. It's just how
I always pictured it.
Well, that was a load of crap.
You see, kids, when you get married,
you learn a hard lesson.
The wedding you set out to have is
almost never the wedding you end up with.
So, we've decided on a small,
outdoor wedding,
just family and close friends.
No more than 25 people
in a beautiful
garden somewhere,
maybe an acoustic
guitar playing
while we walk down the aisle.
And maybe you already know someone
who went down to the courthouse
and registered as an officiant
so that he or she-- he--
could perform the ceremony.
But you hate marriage.
Why do you want to perform the ceremony?
Because it subtly implants in
the mind of every woman there
that when I ask a question,
you say, "I do."
Yeah.
The closer you get
to the big day,
the more concessions you make.
Great. Now my mom's making
me invite the Lessners.
This puts our numbers
in the triple digits.
Wow. I guess sometimes,
Lessner is more... ner.
You know how like
sometimes less is more.
Yeah. This is one of
those times, sweetie?
You know what? That's okay.
It'll be a slightly big outdoor wedding.
So it's not going to be an
outdoor wedding anymore.
Marshall's dad is convinced if we
have an outdoor wedding in New York,
he's going to get mugged,
so it's going to be inside now.
It'll be great. We're still going
to have our acoustic guitar player.
So now,
instead of an acoustic guitar,
we're having a harp player.
Yeah. My dad owes a guy, and...
that guy's daughter plays the harp.
Is she hot? I'd love to be able to
cross "harp player" off my list.
How long is this list?
Dude, I'm not gonna count
how many pages the list is.
I'm not crass.
Well, it doesn't matter anyway.
She's pregnant.
Sweet! I can cross
off two things.
Transcript: Raceman
Subtitles: Willow's Team
www.forom.com
And the day arrives for Lily and
Marshall's very big indoor wedding...
with a harp.
Hi, Lily.
Wow. Andrea.
You really are pregnant.
Yeah.
How do you play the harp
with your belly so...?
Oh, I don't really--
I can only reach about half the strings.
You only play half the harp?
Yeah.
Oh, no. Uh, okay.
Lily, I will take care of this.
Um, I'll just pluck the other half.
Is it hard to learn?
I've been studying
the harp for 12 years.
Yeah, but I'm a fast learner.
You ever hear of "Guitar Hero"?
Learned that in a day.
Is there a "Harp Hero"?
Robin, it's fine.
So, so, when are you due?
Tuesday.
Wow, that's soon.
Last Tuesday.
Holy crap, we have to fire her.
She's gonna drop a shorty in
the middle of your ceremony.
Robin, I'm not going
to freak myself out.
I hate those women who say,
"Oh, my wedding
has to be perfect."
Things go wrong. Sometimes the
deejay screws up your playlist.
Sometimes you slip on placenta
during the recessional.
Can I grab a scotch
and soda real quick?
No. I'm not allowed to serve
anything until the reception.
Wow. You just cost
yourself a big tip, buddy.
I'm not allowed to
accept tips, buddy.
You allowed to
accept criticism?
You, sir, are an ass... buddy.
Hey, you want to know what line
doesn't work on a harp player?
"Hey, baby, want to pluck?"
Really? That didn't work.
Not even a little.
Hey! Who's Bill?
Bill?
Yeah. This guy came
up to me at the bar.
Can I ask you something?
Where in the ceremony is the place
where they ask if anyone objects?
Uh... Don't think
they do that anymore.
Oh, so when do you think
someone should do it?
Just wait for a lull or what?
Oh, no.
Did he look like a guy who tried
to be an umpire but failed?
He kind of did.
That's Scooter.
Your high school
boyfriend, Scooter?
His real name is Bill.
My mom must have invited him.
Why? Why would she do that?
Our families are really close.
But my ex-boyfriend?
Come on, Mom.
I didn't invite that professional
squash player Dad busted you with.
Oh, I need a glass of wine.
I'll get it.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, how's Marshall doing?
He's great.
He's about to get his hair cut.
Oh. I'm worried my cousin's
going to cut it too short.
Me, too. I was up all night.
Hello, Lily.
Hey, Bill.
Hey, Barney.
Scooter, what are
you doing here?
It's not "Scooter" anymore.
It's Bill.
A lot of things have
changed about me, Lily,
but one hasn't.
I still love you.
And I came here
to win you back.
You're really cute.
Oh, no. Really?
Lily, I-I know it's crazy,
but I love you,
and if you can
look me in the eye
and tell me that you
want to marry Marshall,
I will leave right now and
be out of your life forever.
I want...
I want...
Scooter!
I need a glass of wine.
And I need you to
get out of my face.
It's for the bride, so...
White or red?
White.
And, uh...
she'd also like a scotch and soda.
You got it.
She'd also like a bowl
of smoked almonds.
I don't have any,
but I guess I could run out
to the corner and get some.
Well, it's only the biggest
day of her life, so...
Let the games begin.
Here. Can't stay.
Got to try something.
Maybe my words won't
change your mind,
but maybe the words
of a poet will.
I read from "November Rain."
By W. Axl Rose.
That is a good song.
Barney said you needed me to
bounce some guy named Scooter?
What's up with Bill?
That's Scooter.
I'm on it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Can I have your phone number?
No.
It's for the bride.
Oh. Hold on.
Let me go get a pen.
The bride wants
you to walk slower.
Oh, wow.
Oh. Robin...
My makeup looks
perfect right now,
and I'm about to cry.
Do something.
I have hairy nipples.
Really?
No, but it worked, didn't it?
Hey. Funny story.
I tackled this guy I
thought was Scooter.
Turns out it was
your photographer.
Don't worry. I got this sweet
camera phone, so we're covered.
There's a photographer?
Oh, my God.
- Okay, I just have to call...
- Robin, stop. Stop.
It's okay.
I am not gonna let
anything get to me today.
I just got a call from the florist.
The flowers won't be here
till halfway through
the ceremony.
I'm okay.
I hate to bother you, but... I think
I found your veil in the parking lot.
I'm fine.
Just FYI: my water broke.
But I can probably...
...make it through.
Totally cool.
Oh, no.
Lily, I think I forgot
your bridal panties.
I-I thought I had them.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's okay,
I'll just wear the ones I have on.
Are you sure?
I'm marrying Marshall today.
So it doesn't even matter that
I'm gonna walk down the aisle
without a veil in a room
that has no flowers
to the music of half a harp
played by a woman who's crowning,
as my high school boyfriend
reads Guns N' Roses lyrics.
But that's okay,
because there's no photographer there
to take any pictures of it anyway.
Lily, are you okay?
What do you think?!
Of course I'm not okay!
Everything that could possibly
go wrong at my wedding has!
It's ruined!
What happened to "I don't
want a perfect wedding"?
Oh, grow up, Robin!
Of course I want a perfect wedding!
Oh, God. I wanted... I wanted not
to care about the wedding, but...
I do. I... I'm supposed to
feel like a princess today.
And you will.
It's gonna be okay, sweetie.
Why don't we go outside? I have
something that'll make you feel better.
What could you have that could
possibly make me feel better?
God, I hope Marshall's having
a better day than I'm having.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
Well, it's not too short.
My hair! Look at my hair!
She ruined my hair!
I look like one of
the Backstreet Boys!
You totally do.
And not even the good
Backstreet Boys,
the older, lame dance move,
comeback tour Backstreet Boys.
The good Backstreet Boys?
Guys! Guys!
What am I gonna do?!
What-what the hell
happened to you?
Lily's cousin is
in beauty school,
and Lily didn't want
her to do her hair,
so she said she could do mine.
So, um,
just not-not too short, okay?
Oh, no,
we don't even have to cut it at all.
Could just give it some style.
Oh, okay, yeah, that's great.
'Cause, um, when it gets too short,
it starts to look weird.
And I don't want to look weird
when I'm up there, you know.
Ooh, I could give you
some cool guy tips.
I don't think I need
advice on how to be cool,
but yeah, great,
lay that on me.
I can't get married like this!
There's no way!
Ah, let me see what I can do.
What? What can you do?
I have a superpower.
Lily is gonna kill me!
Look at me!
She's not gonna want
to marry me like this.
That's crazy.
Of course she will.
Would you marry me?
No. But not because of the hair.
It's because I have a rule:
never marry anyone you've
had a farting contest with.
Oh, great. So now you're saying Lily
and I shouldn't even get married?
Could I have everyone's
attention, please?
It's for the bride.
One, the bride would...
like all of this tension
out of my shoulders.
And she would like, let's say,
you in the inappropriately
short dress to rub them.
Two...
What was two?
Okay, we have a
bit of a situation.
Let's not panic.
Let's just find a solution.
Dude, you shaved
your freakin' head.
Yeah, yeah, but it's good.
I ought to shave it all off.
What a great solution.
Just be bald 'cause
it's cool, right?
Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan,
Britney Spears...
Oh, God, what did I do?!
How could you let
me shave my head?!
- What?!
- You're the worst best man ever!
I hate you!
I'm not going out there!
I'm leaving and I'm never coming back.
I'm gonna go find that money
under the rock by the tree
and go live with the guys on
the beach in Zihautanejo.
Dude, those guys are criminals.
Only Red Andy was
falsely accused.
Ted, you're my best man!
You got to do something!
Okay, all right, come here.
Just breathe, breathe, all right?
Don't worry. Don't worry.
- I'll just... I'll take these.
- No!
- Uh, hi. Uncle Ben, right?
- Yes.
Yes, we're, we're having a little
bit of a problem back there.
Um, and I was wondering
if you could help us out.
Yeah.
Marshall accidentally
shaved part of his head.
- Oh, no!
- Yeah.
Yeah, so here's what
I was thinking.
What if I found something
to cover up the bald area?
Yeah, that would probably work,
but with what?
That's a tough one.
Maybe a wig of some
sort or a, um...
toupee.
Something that matches
his hair color,
which is, which is kind of the same
color as the top of your hair.
Mm, yeah.
Does anyone here wear a toupee?
Shouldn't be hard to find out.
Most of them are pretty bad.
That is true. That is true.
We just need to find
someone who wears a toupee
that is the same color
as Marshall's and your hair.
Boy, that's a
pretty tall order.
Really?
You can't think of any
place in the general area
where there might be a toupee of
the kind I'm describing to you?
No, not off the top of my...
No. Can't.
Let me come at this from a different
angle. I got $50 in my pocket
- which is probably a lot more...
- The bride needs this.
Actually, I think
it kinda works.
It totally does.
Barney?
To be honest, I'm, uh,
I'm jealous I don't
get to wear it.
Okay, problem solved.
Crisis averted.
Let's get me married.
It looks terrible, doesn't it?
It kinda looks like fur,
which gives you the appearance
of a cleaned-up Bigfoot.
- Oh, you know...
- In a bad way.
Hey. Cool hair, bro.
What happened to your shirt?
I got sauce on it when
I tackled the caterer.
You gonna put another shirt on?
No, I'm good.
Hey, you guys seen Scooter?
What? What? Scooter's here?
That guy's at my wedding?
Not for long, bro.
Not for long.
Okay, you know what?
I need some air.
I think we should go
for a walk, okay?
It would cover up the problem.
It's festive
and it celebrates the heritage
of this great nation.
Okay, unless you actually
have one in your car,
stop suggesting authentic
Native American headdress.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God!
Marshall...
Lily, you're not
supposed to see me.
Holy crap, I don't think
anyone's supposed to see you.
What happened?
Did Amy do this to you?
Just the frosted tips.
I did the rest. I'm sorry, baby.
I've ruined the whole wedding,
haven't I?
Oh, no,
you didn't ruin the wedding, sweetie.
It was already ruined.
There's no flowers,
no photographer.
Oh, and Scooter's here,
by the way.
Yeah, I know. I heard.
My veil got thrashed,
the harp player is in labor,
and I'm not wearing
my wedding underwear.
What? No "Property of
Marshall" across the back?
How are people going to
know whose butt that is?
What happened?
Remember the wedding we wanted,
the intimate outdoor ceremony?
I wish we could
have that wedding.
So do it.
What?
Get married now.
Right here.
Look, it's outside like
you always wanted.
Intimate, close friends.
There's no guitar,
but it's pretty close.
Barney can officiate.
Yes. Yes, I can.
Uh, excuse me, guys.
You all dropped something:
your jaws--
because Barney Stinson is about
to aid and abet a marriage.
Could we even do that? I mean,
what about all those people in there?
Do that one, too.
And then when everything goes wrong,
you won't care because you already
had the real wedding out here.
What do you think, baby?
I love it.
Me, too.
Let's do it.
Let's get married before we get married.
Great.
Wait, hold on.
Excuse me, sir.
Could we borrow your hat?
Okay.
Thank you.
Hat.
We thought of authentic
Native American headdress
before we thought of hat.
Thank you all for coming.
For those of you
who don't know me...
I'm not the biggest
believer in marriage.
But... you two are so great together,
you know?
It's like you were, uh,
made for each other.
- He's gonna cry.
- No, I'm not.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not,
I'm not, I'm not.
Lily and Marshall...
when everyone sees you, they...
see true love.
It's the best love...
Can we just, um,
move on to the rings or something?
Oh, no.
I don't have my vows.
I don't have mine either.
You don't need your vows.
Just say why you love each other.
Okay, I'll go first.
Lily,
there are a million
reasons why I love you.
You make me laugh
and you take care of
me when I'm sick.
You're sweet, caring and you even
created an egg dish and named it after me.
She puts a little Italian dressing in
scrambled eggs before she cooks them.
It's called "Eggs Marshall,"
and it's awesome.
But the main reason
that I love you is
that you're my
best friend, Lily.
You're, uh...
you're the best friend I ever had.
- I'm sorry, buddy.
- No problem.
It's totally okay.
My turn.
Oh, thank you.
Marshall, I love you
because you're funny
and you make me feel loved
and you make me feel safe
and for our anniversary you
gave me a sweatshirt that says,
"Lily and Marshall.
Rockin' It Since '96."
I kinda wish I was
wearing it right now
'cause it smells like you.
But the main reason I love you,
Marshall Ericksen,
is you make me happy.
You make me happy all the time.
Hey, I found your panties!
I'm good.
Marshall, do you take Lily to be your wife
to have and to hold from this day forward?
- Slow down.
- I can't.
From this day forward so as
long as you both shall live?
I do.
Lily, do you promise to take Marshall to
be your husband to have and to hold... live?
I do.
Okay, then,
by the power invested in me by
the very bitter old Pakistani man
who works down at the
courthouse on Lafayette Street,
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- Do you smoke?
- No.
Wow. First lie of marriage.
That was fast.
After that, we all went back
inside for the second wedding.
And yes,
a lot of things did go wrong,
but it didn't matter
because when I look
back on that day,
what I remember is
the first wedding;
the intimate outdoor ceremony
with just close friends
and an acoustic guitar.
How do you feel?
Tired. I got
married twice today.
So where do you want to do it for
the first time as a married couple,
nice hotel room or a
reception hall bathroom?
What do you think?
Bathroom, of course.
Please don't.
- Sorry, Ted.
- Sorry, Ted.
Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall got married
at the historic Van Smoot
House in upstate New York.
Wow, it's beautiful, Lily.
Yeah. It's just how
I always pictured it.
Well, that was a load of crap.
You see, kids, when you get married,
you learn a hard lesson.
The wedding you set out to have is
almost never the wedding you end up with.
So, we've decided on a small,
outdoor wedding,
just family and close friends.
No more than 25 people
in a beautiful
garden somewhere,
maybe an acoustic
guitar playing
while we walk down the aisle.
And maybe you already know someone
who went down to the courthouse
and registered as an officiant
so that he or she-- he--
could perform the ceremony.
But you hate marriage.
Why do you want to perform the ceremony?
Because it subtly implants in
the mind of every woman there
that when I ask a question,
you say, "I do."
Yeah.
The closer you get
to the big day,
the more concessions you make.
Great. Now my mom's making
me invite the Lessners.
This puts our numbers
in the triple digits.
Wow. I guess sometimes,
Lessner is more... ner.
You know how like
sometimes less is more.
Yeah. This is one of
those times, sweetie?
You know what? That's okay.
It'll be a slightly big outdoor wedding.
So it's not going to be an
outdoor wedding anymore.
Marshall's dad is convinced if we
have an outdoor wedding in New York,
he's going to get mugged,
so it's going to be inside now.
It'll be great. We're still going
to have our acoustic guitar player.
So now,
instead of an acoustic guitar,
we're having a harp player.
Yeah. My dad owes a guy, and...
that guy's daughter plays the harp.
Is she hot? I'd love to be able to
cross "harp player" off my list.
How long is this list?
Dude, I'm not gonna count
how many pages the list is.
I'm not crass.
Well, it doesn't matter anyway.
She's pregnant.
Sweet! I can cross
off two things.
Transcript: Raceman
Subtitles: Willow's Team
www.forom.com
And the day arrives for Lily and
Marshall's very big indoor wedding...
with a harp.
Hi, Lily.
Wow. Andrea.
You really are pregnant.
Yeah.
How do you play the harp
with your belly so...?
Oh, I don't really--
I can only reach about half the strings.
You only play half the harp?
Yeah.
Oh, no. Uh, okay.
Lily, I will take care of this.
Um, I'll just pluck the other half.
Is it hard to learn?
I've been studying
the harp for 12 years.
Yeah, but I'm a fast learner.
You ever hear of "Guitar Hero"?
Learned that in a day.
Is there a "Harp Hero"?
Robin, it's fine.
So, so, when are you due?
Tuesday.
Wow, that's soon.
Last Tuesday.
Holy crap, we have to fire her.
She's gonna drop a shorty in
the middle of your ceremony.
Robin, I'm not going
to freak myself out.
I hate those women who say,
"Oh, my wedding
has to be perfect."
Things go wrong. Sometimes the
deejay screws up your playlist.
Sometimes you slip on placenta
during the recessional.
Can I grab a scotch
and soda real quick?
No. I'm not allowed to serve
anything until the reception.
Wow. You just cost
yourself a big tip, buddy.
I'm not allowed to
accept tips, buddy.
You allowed to
accept criticism?
You, sir, are an ass... buddy.
Hey, you want to know what line
doesn't work on a harp player?
"Hey, baby, want to pluck?"
Really? That didn't work.
Not even a little.
Hey! Who's Bill?
Bill?
Yeah. This guy came
up to me at the bar.
Can I ask you something?
Where in the ceremony is the place
where they ask if anyone objects?
Uh... Don't think
they do that anymore.
Oh, so when do you think
someone should do it?
Just wait for a lull or what?
Oh, no.
Did he look like a guy who tried
to be an umpire but failed?
He kind of did.
That's Scooter.
Your high school
boyfriend, Scooter?
His real name is Bill.
My mom must have invited him.
Why? Why would she do that?
Our families are really close.
But my ex-boyfriend?
Come on, Mom.
I didn't invite that professional
squash player Dad busted you with.
Oh, I need a glass of wine.
I'll get it.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, how's Marshall doing?
He's great.
He's about to get his hair cut.
Oh. I'm worried my cousin's
going to cut it too short.
Me, too. I was up all night.
Hello, Lily.
Hey, Bill.
Hey, Barney.
Scooter, what are
you doing here?
It's not "Scooter" anymore.
It's Bill.
A lot of things have
changed about me, Lily,
but one hasn't.
I still love you.
And I came here
to win you back.
You're really cute.
Oh, no. Really?
Lily, I-I know it's crazy,
but I love you,
and if you can
look me in the eye
and tell me that you
want to marry Marshall,
I will leave right now and
be out of your life forever.
I want...
I want...
Scooter!
I need a glass of wine.
And I need you to
get out of my face.
It's for the bride, so...
White or red?
White.
And, uh...
she'd also like a scotch and soda.
You got it.
She'd also like a bowl
of smoked almonds.
I don't have any,
but I guess I could run out
to the corner and get some.
Well, it's only the biggest
day of her life, so...
Let the games begin.
Here. Can't stay.
Got to try something.
Maybe my words won't
change your mind,
but maybe the words
of a poet will.
I read from "November Rain."
By W. Axl Rose.
That is a good song.
Barney said you needed me to
bounce some guy named Scooter?
What's up with Bill?
That's Scooter.
I'm on it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Can I have your phone number?
No.
It's for the bride.
Oh. Hold on.
Let me go get a pen.
The bride wants
you to walk slower.
Oh, wow.
Oh. Robin...
My makeup looks
perfect right now,
and I'm about to cry.
Do something.
I have hairy nipples.
Really?
No, but it worked, didn't it?
Hey. Funny story.
I tackled this guy I
thought was Scooter.
Turns out it was
your photographer.
Don't worry. I got this sweet
camera phone, so we're covered.
There's a photographer?
Oh, my God.
- Okay, I just have to call...
- Robin, stop. Stop.
It's okay.
I am not gonna let
anything get to me today.
I just got a call from the florist.
The flowers won't be here
till halfway through
the ceremony.
I'm okay.
I hate to bother you, but... I think
I found your veil in the parking lot.
I'm fine.
Just FYI: my water broke.
But I can probably...
...make it through.
Totally cool.
Oh, no.
Lily, I think I forgot
your bridal panties.
I-I thought I had them.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's okay,
I'll just wear the ones I have on.
Are you sure?
I'm marrying Marshall today.
So it doesn't even matter that
I'm gonna walk down the aisle
without a veil in a room
that has no flowers
to the music of half a harp
played by a woman who's crowning,
as my high school boyfriend
reads Guns N' Roses lyrics.
But that's okay,
because there's no photographer there
to take any pictures of it anyway.
Lily, are you okay?
What do you think?!
Of course I'm not okay!
Everything that could possibly
go wrong at my wedding has!
It's ruined!
What happened to "I don't
want a perfect wedding"?
Oh, grow up, Robin!
Of course I want a perfect wedding!
Oh, God. I wanted... I wanted not
to care about the wedding, but...
I do. I... I'm supposed to
feel like a princess today.
And you will.
It's gonna be okay, sweetie.
Why don't we go outside? I have
something that'll make you feel better.
What could you have that could
possibly make me feel better?
God, I hope Marshall's having
a better day than I'm having.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
Well, it's not too short.
My hair! Look at my hair!
She ruined my hair!
I look like one of
the Backstreet Boys!
You totally do.
And not even the good
Backstreet Boys,
the older, lame dance move,
comeback tour Backstreet Boys.
The good Backstreet Boys?
Guys! Guys!
What am I gonna do?!
What-what the hell
happened to you?
Lily's cousin is
in beauty school,
and Lily didn't want
her to do her hair,
so she said she could do mine.
So, um,
just not-not too short, okay?
Oh, no,
we don't even have to cut it at all.
Could just give it some style.
Oh, okay, yeah, that's great.
'Cause, um, when it gets too short,
it starts to look weird.
And I don't want to look weird
when I'm up there, you know.
Ooh, I could give you
some cool guy tips.
I don't think I need
advice on how to be cool,
but yeah, great,
lay that on me.
I can't get married like this!
There's no way!
Ah, let me see what I can do.
What? What can you do?
I have a superpower.
Lily is gonna kill me!
Look at me!
She's not gonna want
to marry me like this.
That's crazy.
Of course she will.
Would you marry me?
No. But not because of the hair.
It's because I have a rule:
never marry anyone you've
had a farting contest with.
Oh, great. So now you're saying Lily
and I shouldn't even get married?
Could I have everyone's
attention, please?
It's for the bride.
One, the bride would...
like all of this tension
out of my shoulders.
And she would like, let's say,
you in the inappropriately
short dress to rub them.
Two...
What was two?
Okay, we have a
bit of a situation.
Let's not panic.
Let's just find a solution.
Dude, you shaved
your freakin' head.
Yeah, yeah, but it's good.
I ought to shave it all off.
What a great solution.
Just be bald 'cause
it's cool, right?
Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan,
Britney Spears...
Oh, God, what did I do?!
How could you let
me shave my head?!
- What?!
- You're the worst best man ever!
I hate you!
I'm not going out there!
I'm leaving and I'm never coming back.
I'm gonna go find that money
under the rock by the tree
and go live with the guys on
the beach in Zihautanejo.
Dude, those guys are criminals.
Only Red Andy was
falsely accused.
Ted, you're my best man!
You got to do something!
Okay, all right, come here.
Just breathe, breathe, all right?
Don't worry. Don't worry.
- I'll just... I'll take these.
- No!
- Uh, hi. Uncle Ben, right?
- Yes.
Yes, we're, we're having a little
bit of a problem back there.
Um, and I was wondering
if you could help us out.
Yeah.
Marshall accidentally
shaved part of his head.
- Oh, no!
- Yeah.
Yeah, so here's what
I was thinking.
What if I found something
to cover up the bald area?
Yeah, that would probably work,
but with what?
That's a tough one.
Maybe a wig of some
sort or a, um...
toupee.
Something that matches
his hair color,
which is, which is kind of the same
color as the top of your hair.
Mm, yeah.
Does anyone here wear a toupee?
Shouldn't be hard to find out.
Most of them are pretty bad.
That is true. That is true.
We just need to find
someone who wears a toupee
that is the same color
as Marshall's and your hair.
Boy, that's a
pretty tall order.
Really?
You can't think of any
place in the general area
where there might be a toupee of
the kind I'm describing to you?
No, not off the top of my...
No. Can't.
Let me come at this from a different
angle. I got $50 in my pocket
- which is probably a lot more...
- The bride needs this.
Actually, I think
it kinda works.
It totally does.
Barney?
To be honest, I'm, uh,
I'm jealous I don't
get to wear it.
Okay, problem solved.
Crisis averted.
Let's get me married.
It looks terrible, doesn't it?
It kinda looks like fur,
which gives you the appearance
of a cleaned-up Bigfoot.
- Oh, you know...
- In a bad way.
Hey. Cool hair, bro.
What happened to your shirt?
I got sauce on it when
I tackled the caterer.
You gonna put another shirt on?
No, I'm good.
Hey, you guys seen Scooter?
What? What? Scooter's here?
That guy's at my wedding?
Not for long, bro.
Not for long.
Okay, you know what?
I need some air.
I think we should go
for a walk, okay?
It would cover up the problem.
It's festive
and it celebrates the heritage
of this great nation.
Okay, unless you actually
have one in your car,
stop suggesting authentic
Native American headdress.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God!
Marshall...
Lily, you're not
supposed to see me.
Holy crap, I don't think
anyone's supposed to see you.
What happened?
Did Amy do this to you?
Just the frosted tips.
I did the rest. I'm sorry, baby.
I've ruined the whole wedding,
haven't I?
Oh, no,
you didn't ruin the wedding, sweetie.
It was already ruined.
There's no flowers,
no photographer.
Oh, and Scooter's here,
by the way.
Yeah, I know. I heard.
My veil got thrashed,
the harp player is in labor,
and I'm not wearing
my wedding underwear.
What? No "Property of
Marshall" across the back?
How are people going to
know whose butt that is?
What happened?
Remember the wedding we wanted,
the intimate outdoor ceremony?
I wish we could
have that wedding.
So do it.
What?
Get married now.
Right here.
Look, it's outside like
you always wanted.
Intimate, close friends.
There's no guitar,
but it's pretty close.
Barney can officiate.
Yes. Yes, I can.
Uh, excuse me, guys.
You all dropped something:
your jaws--
because Barney Stinson is about
to aid and abet a marriage.
Could we even do that? I mean,
what about all those people in there?
Do that one, too.
And then when everything goes wrong,
you won't care because you already
had the real wedding out here.
What do you think, baby?
I love it.
Me, too.
Let's do it.
Let's get married before we get married.
Great.
Wait, hold on.
Excuse me, sir.
Could we borrow your hat?
Okay.
Thank you.
Hat.
We thought of authentic
Native American headdress
before we thought of hat.
Thank you all for coming.
For those of you
who don't know me...
I'm not the biggest
believer in marriage.
But... you two are so great together,
you know?
It's like you were, uh,
made for each other.
- He's gonna cry.
- No, I'm not.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not,
I'm not, I'm not.
Lily and Marshall...
when everyone sees you, they...
see true love.
It's the best love...
Can we just, um,
move on to the rings or something?
Oh, no.
I don't have my vows.
I don't have mine either.
You don't need your vows.
Just say why you love each other.
Okay, I'll go first.
Lily,
there are a million
reasons why I love you.
You make me laugh
and you take care of
me when I'm sick.
You're sweet, caring and you even
created an egg dish and named it after me.
She puts a little Italian dressing in
scrambled eggs before she cooks them.
It's called "Eggs Marshall,"
and it's awesome.
But the main reason
that I love you is
that you're my
best friend, Lily.
You're, uh...
you're the best friend I ever had.
- I'm sorry, buddy.
- No problem.
It's totally okay.
My turn.
Oh, thank you.
Marshall, I love you
because you're funny
and you make me feel loved
and you make me feel safe
and for our anniversary you
gave me a sweatshirt that says,
"Lily and Marshall.
Rockin' It Since '96."
I kinda wish I was
wearing it right now
'cause it smells like you.
But the main reason I love you,
Marshall Ericksen,
is you make me happy.
You make me happy all the time.
Hey, I found your panties!
I'm good.
Marshall, do you take Lily to be your wife
to have and to hold from this day forward?
- Slow down.
- I can't.
From this day forward so as
long as you both shall live?
I do.
Lily, do you promise to take Marshall to
be your husband to have and to hold... live?
I do.
Okay, then,
by the power invested in me by
the very bitter old Pakistani man
who works down at the
courthouse on Lafayette Street,
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- Do you smoke?
- No.
Wow. First lie of marriage.
That was fast.
After that, we all went back
inside for the second wedding.
And yes,
a lot of things did go wrong,
but it didn't matter
because when I look
back on that day,
what I remember is
the first wedding;
the intimate outdoor ceremony
with just close friends
and an acoustic guitar.
How do you feel?
Tired. I got
married twice today.
So where do you want to do it for
the first time as a married couple,
nice hotel room or a
reception hall bathroom?
What do you think?
Bathroom, of course.
Please don't.
- Sorry, Ted.
- Sorry, Ted.
How I Met your Mother - S02E20 - Showdown
...some weird stuff started happening.
Why does my stomach hurt?
I'm sorry, baby.
I ate a bunch of ice cream earlier today.
Oh, baby, you know
we're lactose-intolerant.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you suggesting that
when one of you feels something,
- the other feels it, too?
- Oh, God, you guys are so codependent.
- No, we're not.
- Oh, really?
What about the other day?
- Oh, I need to get some eggs.
- Oh, I'll come with you.
Just because we like spending time
together doesn't mean we're codependent.
Really?
Then whatever happened to your plan
of spending the last two weeks
before your wedding sleeping apart?
Okay, we decided not
to do that because of...
Logistics.
- Wedding logistics.
- Frickin' logistics, man.
They mess everything up.
You didn't do it
because you couldn't do it.
- Sure we could.
- Then why don't you?
You can stay with me.
It would make our wedding
night more special.
- Okay, let's do it.
- Done.
- I'm gonna go grab a beer.
- I'll come with you.
No. I'll stay.
Subtitles : Willow's Team
Transcript : Raceman
www.forom.com
Okay, I know.
You know? I got to go.
Good-bye.
My mom's driving me cra....
God, you guys are covered in sauce.
We'll get to that.
Me first.
My mom is driving me crazy
about the wedding music.
The woman takes one cruise
to Jamaica, and suddenly, it's
"not a party without steel drums."
Doesn't everybody know
you're not supposed to stress out
a bride right before her wedding?!
Okay, sauce, go.
- Long story. I'll tell you later.
- Yeah.
It's a dirty story, isn't it?
You guys went out to dinner,
did it in the kitchen and got caught.
Scherbatsky reeks of
someone who likes to get caught.
Okay, now I have to wash up
for two reasons.
Oh, you didn't.
That's right.
So you and Lily really think
you can spend two weeks apart?
You know what, Barney?
Lily and I are a lot less chees
than you make us out to be.
Marshmallow, don't forget
to pack my night-night tape.
Night-night tape?
Did you make a tape of
you saying "night-night" to her?
- No.
- He doesn't say it. He sings it.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Why don't you kiss?
I love it when two chicks make out.
Damn it.
Nobody's bought us anything cool yet off our registry.
- What's on there?
- Ooh, lots of stuff.
Kitchen Aide Artisan Series
tilt-head stand mixer...
Retail price $319.99.
What else?
Um, the Dyson DC17 Animal vacuum.
Ah, $549.99.
A little greedy, don't you think?
- Did you memorize our registry?
- No, I'm training.
- Training? For what?
- I'm glad you asked.
Ted, Robin, get in here!
You guys know how it's hard to be
friends with me 'cause I'm so awesome?
Yes, it's hard to be friends with you.
Go on.
Well, this isn't going
to make it any easier.
I am going to be on...
The Price Is Right.
- No way!
- What?!
Yes, in a couple days, Rich Fields
is going to call out my name,
- and I will come on down.
- Whoa, that is so awesome.
Barney, I didn't know you were
such a fan of The Price is Right.
Are you kidding?
T.P.I.R. is not just an indescribably
entertaining hour of television,
it's a microcosm of
our entire economic system--
a capitalist utopia, where consumers
are rewarded for their persistence,
market acumen and intrepid spirit.
I gaze upon the glory of The Price Is Right,
and I see the face of America.
And it is divine.
Plus, you know,
hot chicks on sports cars.
Then Lily headed out to Robin's
for her first night away from Marshall.
- I'm ready!
- Ta-da-da-da-da...
- Wow, Lily, you look so beautiful.
- I know! I'm beautiful!
I'm a fairy princess!
I'm too skinny for my dress!
Meanwhile, I was testing out
my best man toast on Marshall.
Here goes.
Hello, everyone, I'm Ted Mosby,
Marshall's best man.
Strong opening, right?
That's fantastic.
When Marshall graduates
this spring, he'll be a lawyer.
But did you know that
Marshall has a criminal record?
That's right, on a road trip
up to Cape Cod,
Marshall was pulled over for driving
by himself in a car pool lane.
Oh, crap.
Oh, crap.
Are you crazy?
You cannot tell that story
at my wedding.
My entire family's gonna be there.
My little cousins, my mom, my grandma,
my grandpa the minister.
That grandpa died three years ago.
His favorite grandson
is getting married, Ted.
I think he can take a day off from
haunting the barn to make an appearance.
Whoo!
Whoo-whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
- So which one, "A" or "B"?
- What was that?
I have to decide how to run
to contestant's row when they say,
"Barney Stinson, come on down!"
Oh, I didn't realize that's what it was.
Can you do them again?
Yeah, of course.
Hey! Very funny.
Just for that, when I win all the prizes,
the only thing you guys are getting
is Rice-A-Roni and Turtle Wax.
It's $300 just to take the bust in?
Oh, please, you have to have
some sympathy for me.
I'm getting married next Saturday,
and I'm too skinny for my dress.
I lost all this weight
without even trying.
Hello?
- What happened?
- She called me a bitch and hung up.
Oh, I don't know what to do.
I guess I'll just have to pay the $300.
Pay the $300?
Lily, are you crazy?
This isn't a problem.
It's a license to eat.
Look, what have you always wanted to eat but
didn't because it was too ridicuusly decadent?
Ooh, a Valrhona chocolate soufflé
with a raspberry brandy sauce
topped with caramelized bananas
and hazelnut gelato.
I have Cool Whip and half a bag of Fritos.
Done!
Okay, think you're gonna be
happy with my new toast.
There's nothing sexual.
It's, uh, it's just the story of an
important moment in your relationship.
I'm all ears.
Hello, everyone, I'm Ted Mosby,
Marshall's best man.
- Nice.
- Right? That's great.
Back when we were all freshman
and Marshall and Lily were just a few
short weeks into their relationship...
It was 4:00 in the morning, and I'm not
gonna lie, we were a wee bit wasted.
We were starving.
So I'd gone out to get us some
snacks, and when I got back...
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
I know it's soon to say it,
but I'm so glad you did.
Yeah.
So here's what you want to talk
about in front of my entire family:
drinking, having a girl in my room,
eating junk food.
Dude, you're almost 30. Your mom would
be mad at you for eating junk food?
Yeah, Ted, 'cause nutrition's
not important.
Also, so Lily's never heard
that story before.
How's she going to react when she finds out
the first time I said "I love you" to her,
I was actually saying it to you
and a bag of Funyuns?
But who cares? You did love her.
And you still do.
And you're totally over Funyuns,
so it's not weird.
- Hey, Lil.
- Hey.
Hey? That's it?
What are you talking about?
Well, you guys have been spending
the last few nights apart.
I figured there'd be a lot of giggling,
crying, jumping up and down,
and then whatever Lily would do.
Now, one thing I remember about
the bar menu at McClaren's
is that there were no fewer than
11 different deep-fried appetizers.
That night, Aunt Lily ordered them all.
Check it out.
Okay, imagine... imagine, if you will,
that this is the $1 space
on The Price Is Right wheel.
Ready?
Oh, wow, that was pretty close.
Close?
Close?! It's called The Price Is Right,
not The Price Is Close!
Oh, man, this is bad.
If I don't win the spin-off, and I can't
get into the Showcase Showdown,
everything's ruined!
It's all ruined!
What is ruined?
Why, why is this such a big deal?
Okay, guys... sit down,
I've got to tell you something.
The reason I'm going on The Price Is Right
is because I've decided that it's time
for me to meet my real father.
- Your father?
- That's right.
My father... is Bob Barker.
- Your dad... is Bob Barker?
- That's right.
The host of The Price Is Right,
Bob Barker?
That's Pops.
- Barney?
- Yes, Robin?
Why in the world do you think
Bob Barker is your father?
Uh, because my mother told me
he was, that's why.
Mom, who's my dad?
All the other kids at school
know who their dad is.
- Who's mine?
- Oh, I don't know.
That guy.
Look, Dad, I got straight A's!
Hey, Dad, guess who I'm going
as for Halloween?
Want to play some catch, Pop?
So now I'm gonna go to L.A.,
be on the show,
win the Showcase Showdown,
make him proud of me,
and then tell him who I am.
You're gonna tell Bob Barker that
you're his son on national television?
Why is this so hard for you
people to believe?
Drop the popper!
Lily has to gain five pounds
in a week and a half,
and it is my job to help her get there.
This is the best wedding diet ever.
- I lost a pound.
- That is impossible.
You ate McDonald's
every meal for three days.
I knew that Super Size
Me guy was full of it.
Well, it must be the wedding stress.
We just got to up the intake.
Lily Aldrin, drop and give me
20 bites of fudge!
Okay?
Don't nibble at it.
Attack it!
Come on, Lily.
You can do better than that!
I can't.
Well, eat faster, before
your body figures out it's full.
I'm trying.
Oh, are you gonna cry?
You gonna cry?
Skinny little baby's gonna cry?
- Well, eat, damn it, eat!
- Okay!
Hey, so I think I figured out how to do
your toast in a completely appropriate way.
- Finally.
- Yeah.
Good evening. I'm Ted Mosby,
Marshall's best man.
- Still strong, right?
- Great, yeah.
I'd like to share with you all a story
about the momentous evening last fall
when Marshall and Lily got back together.
Afterward, we stayed up
till 10:00 at night,
- doing shots of chocolate milk.
- Man, I'm well nourished right now!
Calcium promotes healthy teeth and bones.
Thanks, Marshall, for teaching us
you don't need alcohol to have fun.
Oh, don't thank me. Thank my parents
for teaching me good values.
Now, I wasn't supposed
to hear this next part,
but Marshall leaned over
to Lily and whispered.
You know what I'd like
to do to you right now?
I'd like to hold your hand.
I'd like to hold your hand so hard
that you're not able
to shake hands for a week.
Are you just going to talk about holding
my hand or are you going to hold it?
Then a little later, Robin caught them...
Oh, um... ...holding hands.
It was a lovely and responsible night.
To Marshall and Lily.
That's the worst toast
I've ever heard, dude.
- It's totally boring.
- Exactly.
It's impossible to write a good toast
with you censoring me, man.
I give up.
I'm just going to read that thing
about Jesus and the footprints.
I give up, too.
I don't care if my dress doesn't fit.
I can't eat anymore.
I-I feel like my stomach's going to explode.
I know.
And so, Lily and I were
both about to give up,
but as you can all see,
Lily does look beautiful in that dress,
and here I am giving a toast.
You know, all this time, I'd been
wracking my brain trying to
pick out the perfect moment to capture
Lily and Marshall as a couple.
But then I realized the perfect
moment wasn't
some needle lost in the haystack
of their ten years together.
The perfect Lily and Marshall
moment happened two nights ago.
Marshall, what are you doing?
Going to the bathroom.
In the hall?
Sleepwalking?
You're wide awake.
- Robbing us?
- Dude.
Turns out, all week long he'd been
sneaking out to a hotel on 72nd,
to meet Lily.
- God, I missed you.
- I can't sleep without you.
Hey, baby?
- Would you be the big spoon for a while?
- Sure, baby.
- How's the weight gaining going?
- Ugh, terribly.
I'm too stressed out without you around.
Well, I'm here now.
And so Lily and Marshall failed in
their experiment with apartness,
but they succeeded
in getting Lily into her dress.
You know, there really are a million things
I could tell you about Lily and Marshall,
but really, the only thing
you need to know is
that ten years into their relationship,
they still couldn't spend
a single night apart.
May they never have to again.
To Lily and Marshall.
To Lily and Marshall.
Now, kids, the story of Lily and
Marshall's wedding is a good one.
No matter how perfectly you plan your...
You know, wait a second, guys.
I'll get to that.
First, I've got to tell you
what happened with Barney.
Rich, what is the name
of our next participant?
- Bob, it's Barney Stinson!
- Come on down!
You're the next contestant
on The Price Is Right.
Nooo. Oh, my God!
Working his way out.
High-five here, high-five there.
- A big old hug here.
- Oh, my God!
Yeah, I know, the camera loves me.
Welcome to contestant's row, Barney.
Nice suit.
- Thanks, Da... Bob.
- Here is the next item up for bid!
Bob, the stylish his-and-her watches
feature an 18k gold bezel and crown
and stainless steel bands.
And Barney, what do you bid on that?
Um... Wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Retail price is $1,349.99, so, since
you round off, I'll say $1,350, Bob.
- $1,350 for Barney.
- So, was it $1,350?
I don't know.
- Was it?
- Oh, my God!
Happy wedding.
Barney, you won that camcorder
in just one second!
That is impressive.
I mean impressive.
Thank you, Bob.
Now, to win the computer,
you're going to have to bid again,
and again I will say higher or lower.
And let's show the audience
the price of the computer,
and audience, please,
do not try to help us.
And the clock will start
with your first bid.
- $1 billion.
- Lower.
So, I brought some photos
that I thought you might like to see.
- This is me on my first birthday.
- Yes, Barney.
- This is...
- What are you doing?
Uh, spending some quality
time with my dad.
That's very nice, but look, the clock is moving.
You have only about 16 seconds.
Keep bidding.
- No, no, I want you to see this. This is great.
- Keep bidding.
This is me at my graduation.
I know, the hair.
That, no, that's nice.
That's nice.
You have only five, four,
three, two, one...
- $999.
- Nine...
Barney, you got it exactly right!
- Happy wedding again!
- Oh, my...
I have to be honest, Bob. The big wheel
is the only weak part of my game.
I'm sure you'll do just fine, son.
Did you just...
- I'm ready, Bob.
- Do it! Do it! Here we go!
He's looking for the dollar.
- It's going around, and around...
- Oh, no, you spun it too hard.
No, he didn't spin it hard enough.
Here it comes, Barney.
You got it!
You won...
But Barney...
Barney, you're not through.
You've won $1,000.
You've won a place in the showcase.
You are doing splendidly so far.
Thank you, would you, would
you say you're proud of me?
Sure.
That was kind of a weird moment.
Very well, Barney, you have seen
the first showcase.
Do you want to bid on it
or do you want to pass it to Millie?
Please, no car and an above-ground spa?
Pass.
Millie, he has passed this showcase
to you. What do you bid on it?
- $17,640.
- $17,640.
Overbid!
Now, let's see Showcase #2.
Barney, your showcase
begins with a mystery.
Oh, I love this.
I can't believe how excited I am right now.
Barney, you have seen your showcase.
What do you bid on it?
Please, please.
Please.
Let me.
1-8-4-2-1.
I don't even know what we're going to do
with a dune buggy, but I want it!
And the actual retail price
of your showcase is...
- $14,628.
- $14,628. Millie, you are over.
Too bad.
Barney, you bid $18,421 on your showcase.
And the actual retail price of Barney's
showcase is... $18,421 exactly right!
- You win both showcases, Barney.
- Oh, my God!
Bob Barker, reminding you,
help control the pet...
Before, before we wrap up the show, there's
just something I want to say to you.
Congratulations on 35 wonderful
years hosting The Price Is Right.
Well, thank you, Barney.
Thank you...
Have your pets spayed or neutered.
Why didn't you tell him?
Well, it's just...
If you lived your whole life
thinking one thing,
it would be pretty devastating
to find out that wasn't true.
I just don't think Bob
could have handled it.
- Bob. Yeah.
- Probably a good choice.
Anyway, on the bright side.
Happy wedding again!
And that's the story of how
Uncle Barney gave
Lily and Marshall a dune buggy
for their wedding.
Um, I thought since we're going to be apart for two whole weeks,
I would sing you your night-night song.
Night-night, Lily
Night-night, Lily
It's time to go to bed, oh, my silly,
little Lily Time to rest your little head
Sha-la-la-la-la
Sha-la-la-la-la
- Come on, Ted.
- No, it's weird.
You promised.
Sha-la-la-la-la
Sha-la-la-la-la
Sha-la-la-la-la
Why does my stomach hurt?
I'm sorry, baby.
I ate a bunch of ice cream earlier today.
Oh, baby, you know
we're lactose-intolerant.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you suggesting that
when one of you feels something,
- the other feels it, too?
- Oh, God, you guys are so codependent.
- No, we're not.
- Oh, really?
What about the other day?
- Oh, I need to get some eggs.
- Oh, I'll come with you.
Just because we like spending time
together doesn't mean we're codependent.
Really?
Then whatever happened to your plan
of spending the last two weeks
before your wedding sleeping apart?
Okay, we decided not
to do that because of...
Logistics.
- Wedding logistics.
- Frickin' logistics, man.
They mess everything up.
You didn't do it
because you couldn't do it.
- Sure we could.
- Then why don't you?
You can stay with me.
It would make our wedding
night more special.
- Okay, let's do it.
- Done.
- I'm gonna go grab a beer.
- I'll come with you.
No. I'll stay.
Subtitles : Willow's Team
Transcript : Raceman
www.forom.com
Okay, I know.
You know? I got to go.
Good-bye.
My mom's driving me cra....
God, you guys are covered in sauce.
We'll get to that.
Me first.
My mom is driving me crazy
about the wedding music.
The woman takes one cruise
to Jamaica, and suddenly, it's
"not a party without steel drums."
Doesn't everybody know
you're not supposed to stress out
a bride right before her wedding?!
Okay, sauce, go.
- Long story. I'll tell you later.
- Yeah.
It's a dirty story, isn't it?
You guys went out to dinner,
did it in the kitchen and got caught.
Scherbatsky reeks of
someone who likes to get caught.
Okay, now I have to wash up
for two reasons.
Oh, you didn't.
That's right.
So you and Lily really think
you can spend two weeks apart?
You know what, Barney?
Lily and I are a lot less chees
than you make us out to be.
Marshmallow, don't forget
to pack my night-night tape.
Night-night tape?
Did you make a tape of
you saying "night-night" to her?
- No.
- He doesn't say it. He sings it.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Why don't you kiss?
I love it when two chicks make out.
Damn it.
Nobody's bought us anything cool yet off our registry.
- What's on there?
- Ooh, lots of stuff.
Kitchen Aide Artisan Series
tilt-head stand mixer...
Retail price $319.99.
What else?
Um, the Dyson DC17 Animal vacuum.
Ah, $549.99.
A little greedy, don't you think?
- Did you memorize our registry?
- No, I'm training.
- Training? For what?
- I'm glad you asked.
Ted, Robin, get in here!
You guys know how it's hard to be
friends with me 'cause I'm so awesome?
Yes, it's hard to be friends with you.
Go on.
Well, this isn't going
to make it any easier.
I am going to be on...
The Price Is Right.
- No way!
- What?!
Yes, in a couple days, Rich Fields
is going to call out my name,
- and I will come on down.
- Whoa, that is so awesome.
Barney, I didn't know you were
such a fan of The Price is Right.
Are you kidding?
T.P.I.R. is not just an indescribably
entertaining hour of television,
it's a microcosm of
our entire economic system--
a capitalist utopia, where consumers
are rewarded for their persistence,
market acumen and intrepid spirit.
I gaze upon the glory of The Price Is Right,
and I see the face of America.
And it is divine.
Plus, you know,
hot chicks on sports cars.
Then Lily headed out to Robin's
for her first night away from Marshall.
- I'm ready!
- Ta-da-da-da-da...
- Wow, Lily, you look so beautiful.
- I know! I'm beautiful!
I'm a fairy princess!
I'm too skinny for my dress!
Meanwhile, I was testing out
my best man toast on Marshall.
Here goes.
Hello, everyone, I'm Ted Mosby,
Marshall's best man.
Strong opening, right?
That's fantastic.
When Marshall graduates
this spring, he'll be a lawyer.
But did you know that
Marshall has a criminal record?
That's right, on a road trip
up to Cape Cod,
Marshall was pulled over for driving
by himself in a car pool lane.
Oh, crap.
Oh, crap.
Are you crazy?
You cannot tell that story
at my wedding.
My entire family's gonna be there.
My little cousins, my mom, my grandma,
my grandpa the minister.
That grandpa died three years ago.
His favorite grandson
is getting married, Ted.
I think he can take a day off from
haunting the barn to make an appearance.
Whoo!
Whoo-whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
- So which one, "A" or "B"?
- What was that?
I have to decide how to run
to contestant's row when they say,
"Barney Stinson, come on down!"
Oh, I didn't realize that's what it was.
Can you do them again?
Yeah, of course.
Hey! Very funny.
Just for that, when I win all the prizes,
the only thing you guys are getting
is Rice-A-Roni and Turtle Wax.
It's $300 just to take the bust in?
Oh, please, you have to have
some sympathy for me.
I'm getting married next Saturday,
and I'm too skinny for my dress.
I lost all this weight
without even trying.
Hello?
- What happened?
- She called me a bitch and hung up.
Oh, I don't know what to do.
I guess I'll just have to pay the $300.
Pay the $300?
Lily, are you crazy?
This isn't a problem.
It's a license to eat.
Look, what have you always wanted to eat but
didn't because it was too ridicuusly decadent?
Ooh, a Valrhona chocolate soufflé
with a raspberry brandy sauce
topped with caramelized bananas
and hazelnut gelato.
I have Cool Whip and half a bag of Fritos.
Done!
Okay, think you're gonna be
happy with my new toast.
There's nothing sexual.
It's, uh, it's just the story of an
important moment in your relationship.
I'm all ears.
Hello, everyone, I'm Ted Mosby,
Marshall's best man.
- Nice.
- Right? That's great.
Back when we were all freshman
and Marshall and Lily were just a few
short weeks into their relationship...
It was 4:00 in the morning, and I'm not
gonna lie, we were a wee bit wasted.
We were starving.
So I'd gone out to get us some
snacks, and when I got back...
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
I know it's soon to say it,
but I'm so glad you did.
Yeah.
So here's what you want to talk
about in front of my entire family:
drinking, having a girl in my room,
eating junk food.
Dude, you're almost 30. Your mom would
be mad at you for eating junk food?
Yeah, Ted, 'cause nutrition's
not important.
Also, so Lily's never heard
that story before.
How's she going to react when she finds out
the first time I said "I love you" to her,
I was actually saying it to you
and a bag of Funyuns?
But who cares? You did love her.
And you still do.
And you're totally over Funyuns,
so it's not weird.
- Hey, Lil.
- Hey.
Hey? That's it?
What are you talking about?
Well, you guys have been spending
the last few nights apart.
I figured there'd be a lot of giggling,
crying, jumping up and down,
and then whatever Lily would do.
Now, one thing I remember about
the bar menu at McClaren's
is that there were no fewer than
11 different deep-fried appetizers.
That night, Aunt Lily ordered them all.
Check it out.
Okay, imagine... imagine, if you will,
that this is the $1 space
on The Price Is Right wheel.
Ready?
Oh, wow, that was pretty close.
Close?
Close?! It's called The Price Is Right,
not The Price Is Close!
Oh, man, this is bad.
If I don't win the spin-off, and I can't
get into the Showcase Showdown,
everything's ruined!
It's all ruined!
What is ruined?
Why, why is this such a big deal?
Okay, guys... sit down,
I've got to tell you something.
The reason I'm going on The Price Is Right
is because I've decided that it's time
for me to meet my real father.
- Your father?
- That's right.
My father... is Bob Barker.
- Your dad... is Bob Barker?
- That's right.
The host of The Price Is Right,
Bob Barker?
That's Pops.
- Barney?
- Yes, Robin?
Why in the world do you think
Bob Barker is your father?
Uh, because my mother told me
he was, that's why.
Mom, who's my dad?
All the other kids at school
know who their dad is.
- Who's mine?
- Oh, I don't know.
That guy.
Look, Dad, I got straight A's!
Hey, Dad, guess who I'm going
as for Halloween?
Want to play some catch, Pop?
So now I'm gonna go to L.A.,
be on the show,
win the Showcase Showdown,
make him proud of me,
and then tell him who I am.
You're gonna tell Bob Barker that
you're his son on national television?
Why is this so hard for you
people to believe?
Drop the popper!
Lily has to gain five pounds
in a week and a half,
and it is my job to help her get there.
This is the best wedding diet ever.
- I lost a pound.
- That is impossible.
You ate McDonald's
every meal for three days.
I knew that Super Size
Me guy was full of it.
Well, it must be the wedding stress.
We just got to up the intake.
Lily Aldrin, drop and give me
20 bites of fudge!
Okay?
Don't nibble at it.
Attack it!
Come on, Lily.
You can do better than that!
I can't.
Well, eat faster, before
your body figures out it's full.
I'm trying.
Oh, are you gonna cry?
You gonna cry?
Skinny little baby's gonna cry?
- Well, eat, damn it, eat!
- Okay!
Hey, so I think I figured out how to do
your toast in a completely appropriate way.
- Finally.
- Yeah.
Good evening. I'm Ted Mosby,
Marshall's best man.
- Still strong, right?
- Great, yeah.
I'd like to share with you all a story
about the momentous evening last fall
when Marshall and Lily got back together.
Afterward, we stayed up
till 10:00 at night,
- doing shots of chocolate milk.
- Man, I'm well nourished right now!
Calcium promotes healthy teeth and bones.
Thanks, Marshall, for teaching us
you don't need alcohol to have fun.
Oh, don't thank me. Thank my parents
for teaching me good values.
Now, I wasn't supposed
to hear this next part,
but Marshall leaned over
to Lily and whispered.
You know what I'd like
to do to you right now?
I'd like to hold your hand.
I'd like to hold your hand so hard
that you're not able
to shake hands for a week.
Are you just going to talk about holding
my hand or are you going to hold it?
Then a little later, Robin caught them...
Oh, um... ...holding hands.
It was a lovely and responsible night.
To Marshall and Lily.
That's the worst toast
I've ever heard, dude.
- It's totally boring.
- Exactly.
It's impossible to write a good toast
with you censoring me, man.
I give up.
I'm just going to read that thing
about Jesus and the footprints.
I give up, too.
I don't care if my dress doesn't fit.
I can't eat anymore.
I-I feel like my stomach's going to explode.
I know.
And so, Lily and I were
both about to give up,
but as you can all see,
Lily does look beautiful in that dress,
and here I am giving a toast.
You know, all this time, I'd been
wracking my brain trying to
pick out the perfect moment to capture
Lily and Marshall as a couple.
But then I realized the perfect
moment wasn't
some needle lost in the haystack
of their ten years together.
The perfect Lily and Marshall
moment happened two nights ago.
Marshall, what are you doing?
Going to the bathroom.
In the hall?
Sleepwalking?
You're wide awake.
- Robbing us?
- Dude.
Turns out, all week long he'd been
sneaking out to a hotel on 72nd,
to meet Lily.
- God, I missed you.
- I can't sleep without you.
Hey, baby?
- Would you be the big spoon for a while?
- Sure, baby.
- How's the weight gaining going?
- Ugh, terribly.
I'm too stressed out without you around.
Well, I'm here now.
And so Lily and Marshall failed in
their experiment with apartness,
but they succeeded
in getting Lily into her dress.
You know, there really are a million things
I could tell you about Lily and Marshall,
but really, the only thing
you need to know is
that ten years into their relationship,
they still couldn't spend
a single night apart.
May they never have to again.
To Lily and Marshall.
To Lily and Marshall.
Now, kids, the story of Lily and
Marshall's wedding is a good one.
No matter how perfectly you plan your...
You know, wait a second, guys.
I'll get to that.
First, I've got to tell you
what happened with Barney.
Rich, what is the name
of our next participant?
- Bob, it's Barney Stinson!
- Come on down!
You're the next contestant
on The Price Is Right.
Nooo. Oh, my God!
Working his way out.
High-five here, high-five there.
- A big old hug here.
- Oh, my God!
Yeah, I know, the camera loves me.
Welcome to contestant's row, Barney.
Nice suit.
- Thanks, Da... Bob.
- Here is the next item up for bid!
Bob, the stylish his-and-her watches
feature an 18k gold bezel and crown
and stainless steel bands.
And Barney, what do you bid on that?
Um... Wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Retail price is $1,349.99, so, since
you round off, I'll say $1,350, Bob.
- $1,350 for Barney.
- So, was it $1,350?
I don't know.
- Was it?
- Oh, my God!
Happy wedding.
Barney, you won that camcorder
in just one second!
That is impressive.
I mean impressive.
Thank you, Bob.
Now, to win the computer,
you're going to have to bid again,
and again I will say higher or lower.
And let's show the audience
the price of the computer,
and audience, please,
do not try to help us.
And the clock will start
with your first bid.
- $1 billion.
- Lower.
So, I brought some photos
that I thought you might like to see.
- This is me on my first birthday.
- Yes, Barney.
- This is...
- What are you doing?
Uh, spending some quality
time with my dad.
That's very nice, but look, the clock is moving.
You have only about 16 seconds.
Keep bidding.
- No, no, I want you to see this. This is great.
- Keep bidding.
This is me at my graduation.
I know, the hair.
That, no, that's nice.
That's nice.
You have only five, four,
three, two, one...
- $999.
- Nine...
Barney, you got it exactly right!
- Happy wedding again!
- Oh, my...
I have to be honest, Bob. The big wheel
is the only weak part of my game.
I'm sure you'll do just fine, son.
Did you just...
- I'm ready, Bob.
- Do it! Do it! Here we go!
He's looking for the dollar.
- It's going around, and around...
- Oh, no, you spun it too hard.
No, he didn't spin it hard enough.
Here it comes, Barney.
You got it!
You won...
But Barney...
Barney, you're not through.
You've won $1,000.
You've won a place in the showcase.
You are doing splendidly so far.
Thank you, would you, would
you say you're proud of me?
Sure.
That was kind of a weird moment.
Very well, Barney, you have seen
the first showcase.
Do you want to bid on it
or do you want to pass it to Millie?
Please, no car and an above-ground spa?
Pass.
Millie, he has passed this showcase
to you. What do you bid on it?
- $17,640.
- $17,640.
Overbid!
Now, let's see Showcase #2.
Barney, your showcase
begins with a mystery.
Oh, I love this.
I can't believe how excited I am right now.
Barney, you have seen your showcase.
What do you bid on it?
Please, please.
Please.
Let me.
1-8-4-2-1.
I don't even know what we're going to do
with a dune buggy, but I want it!
And the actual retail price
of your showcase is...
- $14,628.
- $14,628. Millie, you are over.
Too bad.
Barney, you bid $18,421 on your showcase.
And the actual retail price of Barney's
showcase is... $18,421 exactly right!
- You win both showcases, Barney.
- Oh, my God!
Bob Barker, reminding you,
help control the pet...
Before, before we wrap up the show, there's
just something I want to say to you.
Congratulations on 35 wonderful
years hosting The Price Is Right.
Well, thank you, Barney.
Thank you...
Have your pets spayed or neutered.
Why didn't you tell him?
Well, it's just...
If you lived your whole life
thinking one thing,
it would be pretty devastating
to find out that wasn't true.
I just don't think Bob
could have handled it.
- Bob. Yeah.
- Probably a good choice.
Anyway, on the bright side.
Happy wedding again!
And that's the story of how
Uncle Barney gave
Lily and Marshall a dune buggy
for their wedding.
Um, I thought since we're going to be apart for two whole weeks,
I would sing you your night-night song.
Night-night, Lily
Night-night, Lily
It's time to go to bed, oh, my silly,
little Lily Time to rest your little head
Sha-la-la-la-la
Sha-la-la-la-la
- Come on, Ted.
- No, it's weird.
You promised.
Sha-la-la-la-la
Sha-la-la-la-la
Sha-la-la-la-la
How I Met your Mother - S02E19 - Bachelor Party
It took me a while to figure out
but the key to understanding
your Uncle Barney is this.
When times are hard,
it's impossible to keep him around.
Like when your aunt Lily
and Uncle Marshall were broken up.
Hey. What are you guys talking about?
- Lily.
- I got to go.
But when times are good,
it's impossible to get rid of him.
What are you guys doing?
We just finished planning
Marshall's bachelor party.
Good, you haven't started yet.
Let's talk logistics.
Now, have you laid out
ground rules with Lily?
Where you are or aren't allowed
to touch or be touched?
Show me on Ted.
Actually, we're, uh, we're thinking
of skipping the strippers.
You... you want to have a party
without strippers.
This was the worse thing
I could have said.
You see, uncle Barney loved
cooking up bachelor parties.
And it was always the same recipe.
You start with a slightly
cramped hotel suite.
Arrange the chairs in a circle...
Fill them with your closest friends.
Turn the heat up to about 90.
Pump in a metric ton of cigar smoke.
And then, right in the middle
of the room, you throw in a girl.
But not a beautiful girl--
no, if this girl was ever beautiful,
it was two kids,
three tattoos and one pesky
substance abuse problem ago.
Which one of you is Stuart?
Please, I really don't want to do this.
Shut up, put in your mouth guard.
Then she proceeds to do things
that demean the groom,
herself and really,
the entire human race.
Disgusting.
Ah, horrifying.
- Classic.
- Oh, please, please, no, no.
I don't want anything like that
happening to me.
Stuart's still trying
to forget that night.
It's my bachelor party.
We're not having strippers.
Oh, he thinks he has a sain it.
So, strippers it is!
Now, just, uh, tell me where we're going
to be and I'll make some calls.
I think I can get
the fourth one for free.
Quick question.
Prosthetic arm. Deal breaker?
- Barney, there is...
- Before you say no, it has attachments.
Subtitles : Willow's Team
Transcript : Raceman
www.forom.com
Look, I know you have some stuff planned
for Marshall's bachelor party,
- but he really doesn't want strippers.
- Yes, he does.
- Uh, well, he told me he doesn't.
- Uh, well, he told me he does.
- When?
- Every minute of every day
as his inner animal thrashes against the
cage of his own puritanical upbringing.
Or do you guys not like naked girls.
Um, we love naked girls.
They're one of the best things
in the world.
It goes... naked girls, democracy,
the scene in Every Which Way But Loose
where the monkey gives a guy the finger.
- We just don't like your naked girls.
- What, my girls aren't hot enough?
I mean, all right, fine, the stripper at
Stuart's bachelor party was a 15.
- She was 15?
- No, a 15. Like in blackjack.
As in, not sure whether you'd hit it?
- Exactly.
- Nice.
This is important to Marshall.
So, promise me, no strippers.
All right, I promise.
- I'm serious.
- So am I. No strippers.
Now say it without winking.
No strippers.
- You just winked.
- No I didn't.
So, when the day arrived, we all climbed
into a rented Escalade and set out.
Now, every bachelor party is usually
made up of the same stock characters.
You've got the groom...
the best man...
- the guy who speaks only in clichés...
- Dead man walking!
...the guy who disappears
at the beginning of the night
and doesn't show up again until the end.
All right, who's up for a little
blackjack before we check in.
- No, no, no.
- None for me.
See you guys back at the room, then.
And, of course, well... Barney.
Every bachelor party has a Barney.
Oh, what's this?
This car has a DVD player?
You mean,
we could have been watching
these pornos the whole time?
- Yeah.
- This one's in HD.
This one's in H-double-D.
Oh!
That same night, aunt Lily
was having a wedding shower.
And Robin showed up gift in hand.
Funny story about that gift.
Hey, Barney, check out
what I got Lily for her shower.
It's kind of racy.
Think you can handle it?
Uh, I've been in a ten-way.
So, yeah.
- It's kind of see-through.
- Whoa, ho ho!
You weren't kidding! You know
when you should give that to her?
1850.
Robin, it's her bridal shower!
All her friends are gonna be there,
they're going to be drinking.
You need to get her something daring,
something outrageous.
Well, what do you think
I should get her?
There's a store on Eighth Avenue
that specializes in--
how to put this delicately?--
uh, battery-powered, adult-
recreational fake penises.
And so Aunt Robin went
to a store on Eighth Avenue,
and a battery-powered,
adult-recreational...
Well, it was something inappropriate.
And we're back in.
Robin!
I'm so glad you're here.
Come in, I want you to meet everybody.
Robin, this is my Grandma Lois
and my Aunt Florence.
Oh, lovely to meet you, dear.
They put this whole party together.
It's different from what I expected,
but lovely.
Lovely.
And oh, look, there are little kids here!
Yeah, my cousins.
Listen, I, uh, I forgot something
somewhere so I'm going to just go...
Robin, this is my mom, Janice.
Oh, honey.
I'm so glad to finally meet you.
Me too.
I, I've heard so much about you.
Me, too. Oh, here.
Let me take your gift.
Can I guess what it is?
Is it a, a, a mini food processor?
- No.
- No? Oh.
Oh, give me a hint.
What color is it?
Black.
Well, I guess I'm just going
to have to wait and see!
- Oh, great.
- Robin...
- this is my Cousin Margaret.
- Oh, finally, someone our own age!
Wait, do I introduce you as
"Cousin Margaret" or "Sister Margaret?"
Well, I'm not officially confirmed
as a nun until next month
and I don't want to tick off the Big Guy,
so let's stick with "Cousin" for now.
God's watching.
Excellent!
Man, they spent a lot of money
on this porno.
Whoa-- Morgan Freeman?
Man, that guy's in everything.
Aw, man, I grabbed
the wrong Deep Impact!
No, leave it in, it's a good movie.
- But, dude, there's no sex in it.
- Yeah, just like marriage. Huh? Right?
Oh, oh, hey, check this out!
Don't ask how,
but I procured for us five loco-bueno,
hand-rolled, highly illegal Cubans.
Seriously, you could go to jail
for smoking these things.
Marriage is like jail!
Right, fellas?!
But at least in jail,
you get to have sex!
But we're not lighting these babies up,
till we get to the A.C.
A.C.?
Um, Atlantic City.
Try to keep up, Brad.
We're not going to Atlantic City.
Just a second, Brad.
- Hi.
- Hi.
We're still going
to Atlantic City, right?
Oh, did I not tell you? Yeah, we
switched it. We're going to Foxwoods.
Foxwoods?
But I've got an ipperstray
waiting in tlanticaay itycay.
What the heck's in Foxwoods?
Well, we've got five third row seats
to the Popinski-Salazar rematch.
They've set aside
our very own craps table,
and I reserved a private room
for us at Connelly's,
where the five of us are going
to be sharing a 102-ounce steak
from a cow that I picked out
on the Internet.
- Yeah.
- Great. The night's ruined.
Sorry, Barney.
It was an honest mistake.
This is going to be great!
Meat, violence,
throwing money down the toilet.
America-- one;
every other country-- zero.
- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah.
- You okay, Barney?
- What can I say, Ted? You won.
Hi.
You one... sad, pathetic loser.
Boys, say hello to Treasure.
Hi, Treasure.
- I can't believe that you did this.
- I had to.
- I'm your best man.
- Ted's my best man.
You've yet to make a decision
and that's fine.
But as your best-man-to-be, it's my job
to make sure at your bachelor party
you see a woman take her clothes off while
dancing to Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again."
All right, fine, but...
let's make it fast, all right.
The fight starts in an hour
we don't want to miss it.
It's a girl taking her clothes off.
How long can it take?
It's a bit more complicated than that.
I need two grounded sockets, a large
sterile pot filled with hot water
and you all need to sign these releases.
An egg beater!
Aw, thank you, Aunt Sylvia!
I love that it's cordless.
Well, at least I got that part right.
All of these gifts are so thoughtful.
Lily?
I need you to look at me right now
and read my mind.
- Oh, my God! You're hearing me!
- Yeah!
Sorry this party's so boring.
What's up?
Do not open my gift.
See what I'm doing here?
I'm looking over at the gift,
then back at you,
and I'm shaking my head, "no."
Gift. You. No.
- Are you getting that?
- I totally got it.
Here you go.
Lily said it was your time of the month.
You're welcome.
What are you doing?
Oh, just, um... rearranging the gifts.
The pile looked a bit precarious. So...
Oh, don't worry, I'll keep an eye on it.
Great. You do that.
You're gonna make a damn good nun.
As many times as Robin told
this story over the years,
she would never quite be able
to explain the logic of her next move.
Is this a strip show or a Kiss concert?
Shh! She's starting.
Please turn off your cell phones,
pagers and sense of shame.
All right, boys. Lie back, get
comfortable, and enjoy the show.
Of course there's no way
I'm telling you about her show.
- So, let's skip ahead a little.
- Ow!
Oh my God, are you all right?
No, I am not all right, you idiot.
My ankle is broken!
- Take me to the hospital!
- Um, actually, we have tickets.
You know what?
Thanks a lot, Barney.
She told you at the beginning of the show
not to use the smoke machine
when she's on the hippity hop.
Now I'm going to have to spend the rest
of my bachelor party in a hospital.
Well, hey, maybe
we'll get to see her X-rays.
The ultimate strip show.
- X-rays. More like triple X-rays.
- Just stop.
Which exit is the hospital?
What if she doesn't make it
to the hospital?
Barney, please calm down.
Maybe we should just
take her to the desert,
bury her and wash our hands
of this whole thing!
Dude, what is the matter with you?
I'm just trying to illustrate
to Marshall that as his best man...
- You're not my best man.
- As his best man,
I would help him bury
a hooker in the desert.
- I'm not a hooker.
- And you're not my best man.
You've ruined my bachelor party.
I don't know why you wouldn't just listen
to me when I said I didn't want this.
Well, the fight started ten minutes ago.
Maybe-maybe we should listen.
Oh, Doctor, what a fight!
That knockout will be talked about
for years to come!
Anyone lucky enough to be
in the arena tonight
just witnessed boxing history
in the making!
Thank you so much, Margaret. I can't
believe you carved that crucifix yourself.
So talented.
Didn't think you could carve.
For you.
Oh. And this one's from...
- Grandma Lois.
- Oh. No, wait, darling.
Before you open this,
I-I want to say a few words.
Okay, something you need to know.
Grandma Lois thought she was giving her
granddaughter an antique sewing machine.
And we're back in.
Honey, this handy little device has been
in our family for generations.
I used it,
your great grandmother used it.
Now, her mother didn't use this one,
but she used one just like it.
Of course, back then,
they were made out of wood.
And, uh, I guess before that,
you just had to do it by hand.
- Would you pass the wine, please?
- No.
Hey, Marshall,
while we're here, you may as well
go down to the morgue and
climb into a drawer, 'cause
that's what marriage is like.
Can I get an amen?
- Is everything all right at home, Stuart?
- No.
It's broken.
Oh, damn it, this is bad.
I really can't lose this job.
My daughters are about to start school,
and my fiancé, well...
ever since he got back from Iraq,
pretty much all he does is drink.
I think about leaving him, but...
I don't want my girls growing up
without a dad like I did.
I don't want them
to know what that's like.
- So, show time?
- What is the matter with you?
Her ankle's broken.
I know for a fact that
the second half of her act
takes place largely
in a seated or supine position.
Oh, that's true.
Treasure, please,
don't worry about the show.
Uh, we'd feel bad.
What does that mean?
No. We just mean, uh,
you're off the hook.
You don't have to do it.
I don't have to do it?
Well, guess what?
I know I don't have to do it.
I do it because I am good at it.
Look, I don't need your pity.
All I want to do is give you a great show
because you're getting married!
Is that so much to ask?
Is that such a major inconvenience?!
Oh, that is wrong.
Oh, that's just so wrong.
Well, the doctor did say for her
to keep it elevated.
When I was a girl, my mother taught me
and my sister to use it.
We used to have contests
to see who could finish faster.
It was so exciting. The whole family
would gather around to watch.
And when I was a new bride,
this is what kept me buzy
all those long nights when
your grandfather was in Korea.
And speaking of your grandfather,
though I don't think he'd care to admit
this to any of his army buddies, but...
he'd have a go at it
every once in a while.
And he enjoyed it.
Oh, open it up, sweetie.
May this give for you as much joy
as it's brought me.
Grandma, um...
Wow.
Well, take it out, honey.
I want to show you how to use it.
Okay, no, no!
Don't take it out.
Lily, that's not your grandma's gift.
It's mine.
I panicked, and I switched the cards
because I was embarrassed.
Well, what is it?
It's just like the one Miranda gave
to Charlotte on Sex and the City.
Oh, I love that show.
I always watch it on TBS.
Oh, you would.
You're such a Samantha!
Oh, I'm a Carrie!
You're a Samantha!
And then the night became
a whole new kind of uncomfortable.
- So where do I get one of these?
- Mom!
Man, what a show, huh?
She did some disgusting stuff.
Really sticks with you.
I may be done eating.
Me, too.
I mean, like, forever.
Me, too.
I miss my wife.
Hey, let's go around the table
and say what our favorite part was.
Mine was that thing with the typewriter.
I mean, she made some
spelling mistakes, but still.
Ooh, and you guys were all,
"Barney, put out the cigar!
It's a non-smoking room!" And I was all,
"Hell, no, this is a Cuban!"
Of course, eventually,
I did put it out.
Did I put it out?
I put it out.
Did I put it out?
I put it out.
Did I put it out?
It was a small fire, not even big enough
to force an evacuation of the hotel,
but definitely big enough
to get us kicked out,
and bring Marshall's
bachelor party to an early end.
Is that...?
It is.
Hey, guys.
How was the fight?
Hey, what are you guys doing here?
What happened to the bachelor party?
We missed the fight, dinner was ruined,
we spent half the night in the hospital,
and got kicked out of the hotel.
- What do you think happened?
- Barney. Barney.
Hey, I was just trying
to be a good best man.
You know what a best man does, Barney?
He does what the groom wants.
But all you ever think about is
what you want, what's best for you.
Best man?
I'm not even sure I'm inviting you
to the wedding at this point.
You don't mean that.
Why should I invite you?
You don't even want us to get married.
That's not true.
Lily, don't.
What?
I'm sorry, Barney.
It happened last summer
when we were broken up.
Hey, what are you guys talking about?
- Lily.
- Ah, I got to go.
Newark Airport, please.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Barney, what are you doing here?
I can't believe it's really you.
Come in, have a seat.
Do you want some tea?
I know the apartment's small,
but I don't need much space.
Let me show you some of my paintings.
I think it's some of my best work ever.
Just stop it.
Lily, you have to come home.
You and Marshall belong together.
The two of you
have something that most people search
their whole lives for and never find.
I know you love him, and if you knew
what he was going through right now,
you wouldn't be here
for one more second.
I bought you a ticket home.
Marshall is one
of the best people I know,
and it won't be long until
someone else realizes that,
and you'll lose him forever.
I can't stand the thought
of that happening,
and I cannot keep stealing
chicks from him forever.
Never, ever tell anyone I was here.
I will deny it tooth and nail.
This trip never happened.
Hey, if you had three hours to kill
before your flight, what would you do--
Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?
You really did that?
Marshall, I think Barney's
your best man.
Yeah.
Yes, he is.
See, Lily?
This is why I didn't...
- Really?
- Really.
Real...
In your face, loser!
Take it easy, all right.
Ted's still my best man, too.
You guys are co-best men.
Right.
Yes, we're both best man.
No, um, seriously.
You guys are co-best men.
Of course.
I can't believe you got me this.
Oh, I only did it as a joke.
I can return it for you you want.
Oh, no, it's okay. You don't have
to go all the way back down there.
- I'll, I'll just throw it away.
- Well, I mean,
if you were going to throw it away,
maybe I'll take it
in case I get invited
to another wedding shower.
- It's a great gag gift.
- Yeah, it's really funny.
You know who would get a kick out of it?
Marshall.
So, so maybe I'll just hold on to it.
I would be embarrassed if Marshall
found out that I bought it for you,
- so I'd better just take it.
- Robin, leave it.
but the key to understanding
your Uncle Barney is this.
When times are hard,
it's impossible to keep him around.
Like when your aunt Lily
and Uncle Marshall were broken up.
Hey. What are you guys talking about?
- Lily.
- I got to go.
But when times are good,
it's impossible to get rid of him.
What are you guys doing?
We just finished planning
Marshall's bachelor party.
Good, you haven't started yet.
Let's talk logistics.
Now, have you laid out
ground rules with Lily?
Where you are or aren't allowed
to touch or be touched?
Show me on Ted.
Actually, we're, uh, we're thinking
of skipping the strippers.
You... you want to have a party
without strippers.
This was the worse thing
I could have said.
You see, uncle Barney loved
cooking up bachelor parties.
And it was always the same recipe.
You start with a slightly
cramped hotel suite.
Arrange the chairs in a circle...
Fill them with your closest friends.
Turn the heat up to about 90.
Pump in a metric ton of cigar smoke.
And then, right in the middle
of the room, you throw in a girl.
But not a beautiful girl--
no, if this girl was ever beautiful,
it was two kids,
three tattoos and one pesky
substance abuse problem ago.
Which one of you is Stuart?
Please, I really don't want to do this.
Shut up, put in your mouth guard.
Then she proceeds to do things
that demean the groom,
herself and really,
the entire human race.
Disgusting.
Ah, horrifying.
- Classic.
- Oh, please, please, no, no.
I don't want anything like that
happening to me.
Stuart's still trying
to forget that night.
It's my bachelor party.
We're not having strippers.
Oh, he thinks he has a sain it.
So, strippers it is!
Now, just, uh, tell me where we're going
to be and I'll make some calls.
I think I can get
the fourth one for free.
Quick question.
Prosthetic arm. Deal breaker?
- Barney, there is...
- Before you say no, it has attachments.
Subtitles : Willow's Team
Transcript : Raceman
www.forom.com
Look, I know you have some stuff planned
for Marshall's bachelor party,
- but he really doesn't want strippers.
- Yes, he does.
- Uh, well, he told me he doesn't.
- Uh, well, he told me he does.
- When?
- Every minute of every day
as his inner animal thrashes against the
cage of his own puritanical upbringing.
Or do you guys not like naked girls.
Um, we love naked girls.
They're one of the best things
in the world.
It goes... naked girls, democracy,
the scene in Every Which Way But Loose
where the monkey gives a guy the finger.
- We just don't like your naked girls.
- What, my girls aren't hot enough?
I mean, all right, fine, the stripper at
Stuart's bachelor party was a 15.
- She was 15?
- No, a 15. Like in blackjack.
As in, not sure whether you'd hit it?
- Exactly.
- Nice.
This is important to Marshall.
So, promise me, no strippers.
All right, I promise.
- I'm serious.
- So am I. No strippers.
Now say it without winking.
No strippers.
- You just winked.
- No I didn't.
So, when the day arrived, we all climbed
into a rented Escalade and set out.
Now, every bachelor party is usually
made up of the same stock characters.
You've got the groom...
the best man...
- the guy who speaks only in clichés...
- Dead man walking!
...the guy who disappears
at the beginning of the night
and doesn't show up again until the end.
All right, who's up for a little
blackjack before we check in.
- No, no, no.
- None for me.
See you guys back at the room, then.
And, of course, well... Barney.
Every bachelor party has a Barney.
Oh, what's this?
This car has a DVD player?
You mean,
we could have been watching
these pornos the whole time?
- Yeah.
- This one's in HD.
This one's in H-double-D.
Oh!
That same night, aunt Lily
was having a wedding shower.
And Robin showed up gift in hand.
Funny story about that gift.
Hey, Barney, check out
what I got Lily for her shower.
It's kind of racy.
Think you can handle it?
Uh, I've been in a ten-way.
So, yeah.
- It's kind of see-through.
- Whoa, ho ho!
You weren't kidding! You know
when you should give that to her?
1850.
Robin, it's her bridal shower!
All her friends are gonna be there,
they're going to be drinking.
You need to get her something daring,
something outrageous.
Well, what do you think
I should get her?
There's a store on Eighth Avenue
that specializes in--
how to put this delicately?--
uh, battery-powered, adult-
recreational fake penises.
And so Aunt Robin went
to a store on Eighth Avenue,
and a battery-powered,
adult-recreational...
Well, it was something inappropriate.
And we're back in.
Robin!
I'm so glad you're here.
Come in, I want you to meet everybody.
Robin, this is my Grandma Lois
and my Aunt Florence.
Oh, lovely to meet you, dear.
They put this whole party together.
It's different from what I expected,
but lovely.
Lovely.
And oh, look, there are little kids here!
Yeah, my cousins.
Listen, I, uh, I forgot something
somewhere so I'm going to just go...
Robin, this is my mom, Janice.
Oh, honey.
I'm so glad to finally meet you.
Me too.
I, I've heard so much about you.
Me, too. Oh, here.
Let me take your gift.
Can I guess what it is?
Is it a, a, a mini food processor?
- No.
- No? Oh.
Oh, give me a hint.
What color is it?
Black.
Well, I guess I'm just going
to have to wait and see!
- Oh, great.
- Robin...
- this is my Cousin Margaret.
- Oh, finally, someone our own age!
Wait, do I introduce you as
"Cousin Margaret" or "Sister Margaret?"
Well, I'm not officially confirmed
as a nun until next month
and I don't want to tick off the Big Guy,
so let's stick with "Cousin" for now.
God's watching.
Excellent!
Man, they spent a lot of money
on this porno.
Whoa-- Morgan Freeman?
Man, that guy's in everything.
Aw, man, I grabbed
the wrong Deep Impact!
No, leave it in, it's a good movie.
- But, dude, there's no sex in it.
- Yeah, just like marriage. Huh? Right?
Oh, oh, hey, check this out!
Don't ask how,
but I procured for us five loco-bueno,
hand-rolled, highly illegal Cubans.
Seriously, you could go to jail
for smoking these things.
Marriage is like jail!
Right, fellas?!
But at least in jail,
you get to have sex!
But we're not lighting these babies up,
till we get to the A.C.
A.C.?
Um, Atlantic City.
Try to keep up, Brad.
We're not going to Atlantic City.
Just a second, Brad.
- Hi.
- Hi.
We're still going
to Atlantic City, right?
Oh, did I not tell you? Yeah, we
switched it. We're going to Foxwoods.
Foxwoods?
But I've got an ipperstray
waiting in tlanticaay itycay.
What the heck's in Foxwoods?
Well, we've got five third row seats
to the Popinski-Salazar rematch.
They've set aside
our very own craps table,
and I reserved a private room
for us at Connelly's,
where the five of us are going
to be sharing a 102-ounce steak
from a cow that I picked out
on the Internet.
- Yeah.
- Great. The night's ruined.
Sorry, Barney.
It was an honest mistake.
This is going to be great!
Meat, violence,
throwing money down the toilet.
America-- one;
every other country-- zero.
- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah.
- You okay, Barney?
- What can I say, Ted? You won.
Hi.
You one... sad, pathetic loser.
Boys, say hello to Treasure.
Hi, Treasure.
- I can't believe that you did this.
- I had to.
- I'm your best man.
- Ted's my best man.
You've yet to make a decision
and that's fine.
But as your best-man-to-be, it's my job
to make sure at your bachelor party
you see a woman take her clothes off while
dancing to Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again."
All right, fine, but...
let's make it fast, all right.
The fight starts in an hour
we don't want to miss it.
It's a girl taking her clothes off.
How long can it take?
It's a bit more complicated than that.
I need two grounded sockets, a large
sterile pot filled with hot water
and you all need to sign these releases.
An egg beater!
Aw, thank you, Aunt Sylvia!
I love that it's cordless.
Well, at least I got that part right.
All of these gifts are so thoughtful.
Lily?
I need you to look at me right now
and read my mind.
- Oh, my God! You're hearing me!
- Yeah!
Sorry this party's so boring.
What's up?
Do not open my gift.
See what I'm doing here?
I'm looking over at the gift,
then back at you,
and I'm shaking my head, "no."
Gift. You. No.
- Are you getting that?
- I totally got it.
Here you go.
Lily said it was your time of the month.
You're welcome.
What are you doing?
Oh, just, um... rearranging the gifts.
The pile looked a bit precarious. So...
Oh, don't worry, I'll keep an eye on it.
Great. You do that.
You're gonna make a damn good nun.
As many times as Robin told
this story over the years,
she would never quite be able
to explain the logic of her next move.
Is this a strip show or a Kiss concert?
Shh! She's starting.
Please turn off your cell phones,
pagers and sense of shame.
All right, boys. Lie back, get
comfortable, and enjoy the show.
Of course there's no way
I'm telling you about her show.
- So, let's skip ahead a little.
- Ow!
Oh my God, are you all right?
No, I am not all right, you idiot.
My ankle is broken!
- Take me to the hospital!
- Um, actually, we have tickets.
You know what?
Thanks a lot, Barney.
She told you at the beginning of the show
not to use the smoke machine
when she's on the hippity hop.
Now I'm going to have to spend the rest
of my bachelor party in a hospital.
Well, hey, maybe
we'll get to see her X-rays.
The ultimate strip show.
- X-rays. More like triple X-rays.
- Just stop.
Which exit is the hospital?
What if she doesn't make it
to the hospital?
Barney, please calm down.
Maybe we should just
take her to the desert,
bury her and wash our hands
of this whole thing!
Dude, what is the matter with you?
I'm just trying to illustrate
to Marshall that as his best man...
- You're not my best man.
- As his best man,
I would help him bury
a hooker in the desert.
- I'm not a hooker.
- And you're not my best man.
You've ruined my bachelor party.
I don't know why you wouldn't just listen
to me when I said I didn't want this.
Well, the fight started ten minutes ago.
Maybe-maybe we should listen.
Oh, Doctor, what a fight!
That knockout will be talked about
for years to come!
Anyone lucky enough to be
in the arena tonight
just witnessed boxing history
in the making!
Thank you so much, Margaret. I can't
believe you carved that crucifix yourself.
So talented.
Didn't think you could carve.
For you.
Oh. And this one's from...
- Grandma Lois.
- Oh. No, wait, darling.
Before you open this,
I-I want to say a few words.
Okay, something you need to know.
Grandma Lois thought she was giving her
granddaughter an antique sewing machine.
And we're back in.
Honey, this handy little device has been
in our family for generations.
I used it,
your great grandmother used it.
Now, her mother didn't use this one,
but she used one just like it.
Of course, back then,
they were made out of wood.
And, uh, I guess before that,
you just had to do it by hand.
- Would you pass the wine, please?
- No.
Hey, Marshall,
while we're here, you may as well
go down to the morgue and
climb into a drawer, 'cause
that's what marriage is like.
Can I get an amen?
- Is everything all right at home, Stuart?
- No.
It's broken.
Oh, damn it, this is bad.
I really can't lose this job.
My daughters are about to start school,
and my fiancé, well...
ever since he got back from Iraq,
pretty much all he does is drink.
I think about leaving him, but...
I don't want my girls growing up
without a dad like I did.
I don't want them
to know what that's like.
- So, show time?
- What is the matter with you?
Her ankle's broken.
I know for a fact that
the second half of her act
takes place largely
in a seated or supine position.
Oh, that's true.
Treasure, please,
don't worry about the show.
Uh, we'd feel bad.
What does that mean?
No. We just mean, uh,
you're off the hook.
You don't have to do it.
I don't have to do it?
Well, guess what?
I know I don't have to do it.
I do it because I am good at it.
Look, I don't need your pity.
All I want to do is give you a great show
because you're getting married!
Is that so much to ask?
Is that such a major inconvenience?!
Oh, that is wrong.
Oh, that's just so wrong.
Well, the doctor did say for her
to keep it elevated.
When I was a girl, my mother taught me
and my sister to use it.
We used to have contests
to see who could finish faster.
It was so exciting. The whole family
would gather around to watch.
And when I was a new bride,
this is what kept me buzy
all those long nights when
your grandfather was in Korea.
And speaking of your grandfather,
though I don't think he'd care to admit
this to any of his army buddies, but...
he'd have a go at it
every once in a while.
And he enjoyed it.
Oh, open it up, sweetie.
May this give for you as much joy
as it's brought me.
Grandma, um...
Wow.
Well, take it out, honey.
I want to show you how to use it.
Okay, no, no!
Don't take it out.
Lily, that's not your grandma's gift.
It's mine.
I panicked, and I switched the cards
because I was embarrassed.
Well, what is it?
It's just like the one Miranda gave
to Charlotte on Sex and the City.
Oh, I love that show.
I always watch it on TBS.
Oh, you would.
You're such a Samantha!
Oh, I'm a Carrie!
You're a Samantha!
And then the night became
a whole new kind of uncomfortable.
- So where do I get one of these?
- Mom!
Man, what a show, huh?
She did some disgusting stuff.
Really sticks with you.
I may be done eating.
Me, too.
I mean, like, forever.
Me, too.
I miss my wife.
Hey, let's go around the table
and say what our favorite part was.
Mine was that thing with the typewriter.
I mean, she made some
spelling mistakes, but still.
Ooh, and you guys were all,
"Barney, put out the cigar!
It's a non-smoking room!" And I was all,
"Hell, no, this is a Cuban!"
Of course, eventually,
I did put it out.
Did I put it out?
I put it out.
Did I put it out?
I put it out.
Did I put it out?
It was a small fire, not even big enough
to force an evacuation of the hotel,
but definitely big enough
to get us kicked out,
and bring Marshall's
bachelor party to an early end.
Is that...?
It is.
Hey, guys.
How was the fight?
Hey, what are you guys doing here?
What happened to the bachelor party?
We missed the fight, dinner was ruined,
we spent half the night in the hospital,
and got kicked out of the hotel.
- What do you think happened?
- Barney. Barney.
Hey, I was just trying
to be a good best man.
You know what a best man does, Barney?
He does what the groom wants.
But all you ever think about is
what you want, what's best for you.
Best man?
I'm not even sure I'm inviting you
to the wedding at this point.
You don't mean that.
Why should I invite you?
You don't even want us to get married.
That's not true.
Lily, don't.
What?
I'm sorry, Barney.
It happened last summer
when we were broken up.
Hey, what are you guys talking about?
- Lily.
- Ah, I got to go.
Newark Airport, please.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Barney, what are you doing here?
I can't believe it's really you.
Come in, have a seat.
Do you want some tea?
I know the apartment's small,
but I don't need much space.
Let me show you some of my paintings.
I think it's some of my best work ever.
Just stop it.
Lily, you have to come home.
You and Marshall belong together.
The two of you
have something that most people search
their whole lives for and never find.
I know you love him, and if you knew
what he was going through right now,
you wouldn't be here
for one more second.
I bought you a ticket home.
Marshall is one
of the best people I know,
and it won't be long until
someone else realizes that,
and you'll lose him forever.
I can't stand the thought
of that happening,
and I cannot keep stealing
chicks from him forever.
Never, ever tell anyone I was here.
I will deny it tooth and nail.
This trip never happened.
Hey, if you had three hours to kill
before your flight, what would you do--
Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?
You really did that?
Marshall, I think Barney's
your best man.
Yeah.
Yes, he is.
See, Lily?
This is why I didn't...
- Really?
- Really.
Real...
In your face, loser!
Take it easy, all right.
Ted's still my best man, too.
You guys are co-best men.
Right.
Yes, we're both best man.
No, um, seriously.
You guys are co-best men.
Of course.
I can't believe you got me this.
Oh, I only did it as a joke.
I can return it for you you want.
Oh, no, it's okay. You don't have
to go all the way back down there.
- I'll, I'll just throw it away.
- Well, I mean,
if you were going to throw it away,
maybe I'll take it
in case I get invited
to another wedding shower.
- It's a great gag gift.
- Yeah, it's really funny.
You know who would get a kick out of it?
Marshall.
So, so maybe I'll just hold on to it.
I would be embarrassed if Marshall
found out that I bought it for you,
- so I'd better just take it.
- Robin, leave it.
How I Met your Mother - S02E18 - Moving Day
Kids, in the spring of 2007, everything
was great between me and Robin.
So we decided to try
and make it even better.
We decided to move in together.
So, I can have the moving
truck here by 8:00 am.
Does that sound
good to everybody?
By the way,
what are you guys doing with Ted's room?
'Cause if you need help with the rent,
I'll take it.
Why would you want
to live with us?
I don't call what
you guys do "living."
Here's the deal,
I need a room closer to the bar.
It takes me exactly 23 minutes
to get a girl from the
bar back to my apartment.
A lot can go wrong
in 23 minutes.
This is going to be so hot.
She's paying.
I swear,
if he doesn't call me back,
I'm going to go
through with this.
Please hurry, sir.
I want to do dirty
stuff with you.
Stuff I won't let him do.
Every red light run
is an extra $20.
Baby?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
It was all my fault.
I am so drunk.
When I'm this drunk,
I go crazy!
I bet you do.
Check this out.
What up NYPD?
So close.
See? If I had a room here all I
have to do is get them upstairs.
Come on, guys. It'll be great!
We'll come in after
you guys are asleep
and I'll be gone
before you wake up.
So, you get to have sex and we get to
wake some skanky girl up in the morning
and kick her out?
God, Lily.
Some guy just told her that he loved
her then pretended to go to the bathroom
and never came back
you can't make her a cup of coffee?
Real nice.
Transcript : Raceman
Subtitles : Willow's Team
www.forom.com
I put all your heavy jackets
in this box marked "winter."
And all your colorful sweaters
in this box marked "Bill Cosby."
Make fun,
but America loved that guy for a reason.
Wow!
Almost done.
Not so fast.
Take your sword.
Wow.
- End of an era.
- Yeah.
It's a bummer to break up the set,
but you're going to need that sword.
It's true--
my building is infested with dragons.
Looks like our little boy
is finally moving out.
It seems like just yesterday
he was a cute little freshmen.
Discovering Reggae
and ultimate Frisbee.
He did it later than the other
kids but we never pushed him.
We knew he'd get there.
You haven't moved in yet,
have you?
Good. You guys have
to take this quiz.
I found it in a magazine.
It's called the "Are you ready
to move in together?" quiz.
Well, if it's anything like you're
"Are you wearing panties" quiz,
I'm out.
Question one,
Ted, "Do you want to
move in with Robin?"
Mm. Yes.
Oh, you got the
first one wrong.
The answer is "no," you
secretly want to be single
and hang out with your
awesome friend Barney."
Question two.
Robin, "Do you think you can
score a hotter guy than Ted?"
Correct. The answer
was awkward silence.
Question three, "Did I just make
up this quiz to prove a point?"
Yes.
Yes, I did.
Really? You mean it's not from
Old Yellow Legal Pad Magazine?
So? We all agree?
We move Ted's
stuff back up here?
Mm... no.
We're still moving in together.
Why? This is crazy.
Ted you're throwing your life away.
This girl is blinding you.
With her shiny hair and
her boobed shaped boobs.
This is bad for you,
too, you know.
How are you going to feel when
he sees you without any makeup?
I'm not wearing
makeup right now.
Holy crap, you're beautiful.
All right then, how will you feel when
you can't sneak the occasional cigarette?
Oh, come on,
Robin doesn't smoke.
Wait, do you?
Of course not. Why?
Don't tell me how
to live my life!
Ted, I can't let you do this.
Come on. This is happening.
So instead of fighting it why,
why don't you just help?
- You want me to help you?
- Yeah.
Okay, Ted.
I'll help you.
Can't believe we actually
got him to take a box down.
Maybe he's finally
getting on board.
Where's the truck?
Where's Barney?
Wait for it.
I can't believe this! Everything
I own in the world is in there.
Except for this
box of pot lids.
And the sword.
I'm going to kill him.
I swear to God I'm going to kill him!
Right. Maybe I'll just hold on to that.
For now.
Marshall, we live alone.
This is so great!
We can finally do all the things we always
said we wanted to do if we lived alone.
Oh, I know what I
want to start with.
So, here we are, right?
Sitting around the
apartment naked.
- Awesome.
- Yep.
It's not as awesome as
I thought it would be.
- My butt itches.
- I'm cold.
I noticed.
Yeah, like you're
one to talk, Pointy.
Barney, I don't know if you
got my other 47 messages,
but if my stuff isn't here within
the hour I'm calling the cops.
This is the last time
I'm calling you.
Because my charger's in
the back of the truck.
Don't worry, it's Barney.
He'll bring the stuff back.
No, it's just... I was really looking
forward to settling in, you know?
Maybe setting up my TV.
Watching a movie in bed.
What?
Do we really want a
TV in the bedroom?
I thought we did.
I'm not sure that we do.
Well, where else
would we put my TV?
We could just put it in our
storage unit in the basement.
But wouldn't we miss my TV?
- Would we?
- Yes, we would.
We've had that TV
for a long time
and we would feel more at home
if it were setup in our bedroom.
- We need wine, don't we?
- Yes, we do.
Should we, um,
move this to the bedroom?
Why?
Ted doesn't live here anymore.
We can do it wherever we want.
You know what else?
We don't have to
be quiet anymore.
We can be as loud as we want.
Okay, I think we need to
lay down some ground rules.
Just because we can be loud
doesn't mean we have to be loud.
And although it
might turn you on,
you screaming,
"I'm the best," doesn't do much for me.
Well, it's a lot better than yelling,
"Ted's not here," over and over again.
Well, at least what
I said is true.
Well, that was unnecessary.
Well, since I only have one box I
figure I might as well unpack it.
Mm, where do you think
we should put it?
Well, unless you have a separate pot
lid room, I was thinking the cupboard.
What?
Uh, the thing is my
kitchen is kind of small.
And, um,
I already have a bunch of pot lids
and mine come with pots, so...
You're saying there's no way to make
room for the single box of stuff
I try to move into our place?
Well, why don't you just
take it down to the...
Do not say storage space.
I was going to say Dumpster.
Damn it, Robin,
this is all I have left in the world--
eight pot lids and a sword.
Yeah, about the sword.
Hello.
Put on the suit, Mr. Mosby.
Barney, I know it's you.
Where's my stuff?
It's not me.
If you want to see your
precious possessions again,
put on the suit.
What suit?
Ding-dong. Oh, what's that?
The doorbell.
That's the suit
I'm talking about.
I haven't gotten
to the door yet.
Oh, okay,
let me know when you get there.
Okay, I opened it.
And there's a suit there.
That's the suit
I'm talking about.
- Barney....
- This isn't Barney.
But I hear that guy's awesome.
All right.
Listen very carefully.
You will get your stuff back if you are
able to complete a series of challenges.
Number one, put on the suit.
Number two,
meet me at McClaren's in an hour.
How will I know who to look
for since we've never met?
I look like Barney.
Oh, hey, Ted.
Suit and sneakers.
A little Ellen DeGeneres
but you pull it off.
I don't have any other shoes
because you stole them along
with everything else
I own in the world.
Where's the truck, Barney?
Barney.
People's whose trucks I'm not
holding for ransom call me Barney.
I think you should
call me The Commodore.
- I'm not calling you...
- You're not getting your stuff back.
Can I please have
my stuff back...
The Commodore?
No.
Here's the deal,
Ted, you're my bro.
And you're about to become a henpecked,
beaten down, shell of a man.
So tonight, we are going to have one
last awesome night together as bros.
It's a bro-ing away party.
A special bro-casion.
A bro-choice rally.
Bro-time at the Apollo.
Oh, bro me.
Well, so what do I have to do?
No, it's not what you have to do,
it's what you want to do,
and you want to
have a good time
before you go take Fun Ted
out back and shoot him.
So... first thing
on the docket...
- get me that girl's number.
- Absolutely not.
Mm. That's too bad.
Hey, hypothetical question:
if I was all your stuff,
would I rather be at the bottom
of the East River or The Hudson?
Hey, look,
world's strongest man is on.
Ooh, it's the one where
Lou Ferrigno pulls the bus
from the Partridge
family with his teeth.
It's the best one.
Hey, Ted, get in...
- We live alone.
- Yay.
Well, I win.
You need to give my
friend your phone number.
Wow, I really didn't think Lou
Ferrigno could pull that bus.
Are you sure this is live?
It looks pretty old.
Yeah, that's 'cause the,
uh, TV is old.
So, I'll, uh,
call you tomorrow?
Yeah. Um, not too early.
I have church.
You were impressive, buddy.
Nice work.
All right, next challenge.
No. No next challenge. Look, this is
my first night living with Robin.
She's probably pissed I'm
spending it out with you.
This might be our last hurrah,
my little friend.
Marshall, I am gonna cook you
the best dinner of your life.
How would you like a...
one-egg omelet with
some ketchup and film?
Guess Ted's the one
who did the shopping.
Ooh, look, a microwave pizza!
Guess the microwave
was Ted's, too.
Yeah.
So were all the towels.
Turns out that everything that was
useful in this apartment was Ted's.
Everything that was a Foghat poster we
bought ironically in college was mine.
Marshall.
Yeah, baby?
I miss Ted.
Is it too soon to call him?
No, we shouldn't.
I don't want to interrupt his
first night living with Robin.
Ha, nice shooting.
You know, if we win this one it's free onion
rings at the Intergalactic Snack Shack.
What a bargain.
We only had to spend
20 bucks a game.
Admit it, you're having fun.
Maybe.
I mean, it was pretty funny when that
little girl fell over that space barrel.
Nice... We win.
Oh, walk of shame, walk of game--
what up?
Okay. Let's go one more.
- I don't know.
- You know you want to.
All right, let's do it--
I just got to call Robin real quick.
Oh, so that's what it's
gonna be like from now on?
No. Okay, okay. You call your old
lady and ask permission to have fun.
Me, I will be at the Snack Shack eating
our victory onion rings Han style.
Solo.
- Hey, Ted.
- Hey, sweetie listen,
I'm really sorry but I'm gonna be
pretty late, so don't wait up.
Oh, it's totally fine.
You do what you got to do.
Thanks. You're the best.
I love you.
I love you, too. Bye.
Hey, sorry about that.
Thanks for holding.
Um, so if you could go ahead and cancel
my subscription to Guns and Ammo,
that would be great.
No, it's a great magazine.
Really great.
They've printed
three of my letters.
It's just that my
boyfriend is moving in
and he kind of doesn't approve
of the whole gun thing.
A free hand grenade phone?
You know what?
Let me give you my work address.
I did it, baby!
I got beer. I got food.
We don't need Ted anymore.
I am the provider of
this apartment now,
and I have provided!
"Provode"? Provided.
Anyway, I got us
everything we need.
Could you toss me
the toilet paper?
Be right back, baby. Sit tight.
Hey, I got to admit, um...
I didn't think I would, but, uh...
I had a really
good time tonight.
You're a good friend, Barney.
Hey, man, why don't you, uh...
why don't you tell me
where my truck is.
No, I don't think so.
Where's my truck?!
Do you know why I haven't given you
any of your possessions back yet?
Uh, because you're Admiral Jerk
of the British Royal Douchery?
Because you don't
want them back.
You could've left at any time tonight,
but you didn't, Ted.
Why is that?
Because I didn't want to go back
to Robin's without my stuff.
False. You know what I think?
I think you spent one day with
her and it already sucked.
I think you didn't like being there,
she didn't like having you there
and you both realized that
you made a huge mistake.
And that's why you spent your
first night living with Robin
out playing laser tag with me.
And that's why
three seconds ago
you didn't call it "my place"
or "our place" or "home,"
you called it "Robin's."
You know what?
You can keep my stuff.
- Hey.
- Hey, did you get the truck back?
No.
Why not? What happened?
Oh, he pissed me off so much,
I left.
Anyway, I just wanted to come back here,
space out and watch a movie.
Do you anything that
wasn't made by John Woo?
Why, do you?
You know, forget the movie.
I just want to sit.
What?
It's just I eat at that table.
Fine, I'll take my shoes off.
You know, why don't you just
throw me down in the storage space
where you have room for me.
- Ted, come on.
- No, you come on.
I had to jump through
hoops all night for Barney
and then it took me an hour
to get home because his place
is so far away from the bar.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
I know where Barney
put my truck.
Let's go back to my place.
I bet you my place is closer.
Here we are.
You live in the loading
dock behind the bar?
I don't live here, baby.
This is just my ride.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not getting into any van,
I've seen Silence of the Lambs.
Oh, my God. We're drinking champagne
in the back of a moving van.
Why, yes, Sara. Yes, we are.
Those other Rockettes who
called you slow are crazy.
Oh, my God. I knew it.
You're kidnapping me.
- Help! Help!
- No, no, no, no.
I can explain.
Hello?
Enjoying the ride?
Ted? Ted, you let us out of here.
You let us out of here this instant!
This isn't Ted.
But I hear that guy's awesome.
So I took Sara home and I took
Barney to a bar near his apartment.
Apparently, that strategy
had never occurred to him.
That poor girl must've
been so confused.
Yeah.
Well, at least Barney
learned a valuable lesson.
You do not want to get scissor
kicked in the groin by a Rockette.
So, uh,
I guess we should get you unpacked.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess we should.
Lily... deep within the
Amazonian rainforest,
there is a type of tree that only grows
around the body of an existing tree.
It cannot survive
without this tree.
It is supported...
by this tree.
Lily, we are that tree.
- The inside tree or the outside tree?
- The outside tree.
- Shouldn't there be three trees?
- You and I are one tree.
Okay, look, Lily,
the point is that we grew around Ted
and without him,
we're slowly dying.
What do we do?
I think we can
marry each other.
But we also have to marry Ted.
I'll tell you right now, my Dad is
not gonna pay for that wedding.
Ted!
What are you doing here?
Robin and I aren't gonna
move in together after all.
What happened?
I thought we decided
we were ready?
I know.
How did we come to that again?
I don't remember.
We were fighting?
- It's all so blurry.
- Yeah.
The "let's move in together"
sex was pretty amazing.
I know.
I did that thing with no hands
I normally need both to do.
You know...
I'm really happy with you.
I really happy with you.
The way things are.
Maybe we shouldn't
mess with that.
I don't know that we should.
Hey... I hear the "let's not move in
together" sex is pretty incredible.
Let's go back to my place.
- Ooh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- No, thank you.
- You'll be very happy.
Look, I know you guys are really excited
about having the place to yourself.
Until after the wedding, I mean,
if it's not too much of an imposition...
God, this feels so right.
Never leave us again.
Guys, Robin's down in the truck and
there's actually a lot of boxes,
so maybe we should...
Do we have time for this?
Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my
hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list.
The category: top ten things
I would've called my truck...
It was never your truck.
...if Ted hadn't been a
jerk and given it back.
It was a rental.
Number ten, "The Winne-Bango."
Number nine,
"The Pick-Up Truck."
Number eight,
"The Ford Explore Her."
Number seven,
"The You Scream Truck."
You Scream.
Number six,
"Feels On Wheels." Hello!
Number five,
"The Ride Her Truck."
Number four, "The 18-Squeeler."
Number three, "The Esca-Laid."
Number two, "The Slam-Boney."
and... the number one thing
I would've called my truck
if Ted hadn't been a jerk
and given it back...
"The '69 Chevy."
Sorry.
was great between me and Robin.
So we decided to try
and make it even better.
We decided to move in together.
So, I can have the moving
truck here by 8:00 am.
Does that sound
good to everybody?
By the way,
what are you guys doing with Ted's room?
'Cause if you need help with the rent,
I'll take it.
Why would you want
to live with us?
I don't call what
you guys do "living."
Here's the deal,
I need a room closer to the bar.
It takes me exactly 23 minutes
to get a girl from the
bar back to my apartment.
A lot can go wrong
in 23 minutes.
This is going to be so hot.
She's paying.
I swear,
if he doesn't call me back,
I'm going to go
through with this.
Please hurry, sir.
I want to do dirty
stuff with you.
Stuff I won't let him do.
Every red light run
is an extra $20.
Baby?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
It was all my fault.
I am so drunk.
When I'm this drunk,
I go crazy!
I bet you do.
Check this out.
What up NYPD?
So close.
See? If I had a room here all I
have to do is get them upstairs.
Come on, guys. It'll be great!
We'll come in after
you guys are asleep
and I'll be gone
before you wake up.
So, you get to have sex and we get to
wake some skanky girl up in the morning
and kick her out?
God, Lily.
Some guy just told her that he loved
her then pretended to go to the bathroom
and never came back
you can't make her a cup of coffee?
Real nice.
Transcript : Raceman
Subtitles : Willow's Team
www.forom.com
I put all your heavy jackets
in this box marked "winter."
And all your colorful sweaters
in this box marked "Bill Cosby."
Make fun,
but America loved that guy for a reason.
Wow!
Almost done.
Not so fast.
Take your sword.
Wow.
- End of an era.
- Yeah.
It's a bummer to break up the set,
but you're going to need that sword.
It's true--
my building is infested with dragons.
Looks like our little boy
is finally moving out.
It seems like just yesterday
he was a cute little freshmen.
Discovering Reggae
and ultimate Frisbee.
He did it later than the other
kids but we never pushed him.
We knew he'd get there.
You haven't moved in yet,
have you?
Good. You guys have
to take this quiz.
I found it in a magazine.
It's called the "Are you ready
to move in together?" quiz.
Well, if it's anything like you're
"Are you wearing panties" quiz,
I'm out.
Question one,
Ted, "Do you want to
move in with Robin?"
Mm. Yes.
Oh, you got the
first one wrong.
The answer is "no," you
secretly want to be single
and hang out with your
awesome friend Barney."
Question two.
Robin, "Do you think you can
score a hotter guy than Ted?"
Correct. The answer
was awkward silence.
Question three, "Did I just make
up this quiz to prove a point?"
Yes.
Yes, I did.
Really? You mean it's not from
Old Yellow Legal Pad Magazine?
So? We all agree?
We move Ted's
stuff back up here?
Mm... no.
We're still moving in together.
Why? This is crazy.
Ted you're throwing your life away.
This girl is blinding you.
With her shiny hair and
her boobed shaped boobs.
This is bad for you,
too, you know.
How are you going to feel when
he sees you without any makeup?
I'm not wearing
makeup right now.
Holy crap, you're beautiful.
All right then, how will you feel when
you can't sneak the occasional cigarette?
Oh, come on,
Robin doesn't smoke.
Wait, do you?
Of course not. Why?
Don't tell me how
to live my life!
Ted, I can't let you do this.
Come on. This is happening.
So instead of fighting it why,
why don't you just help?
- You want me to help you?
- Yeah.
Okay, Ted.
I'll help you.
Can't believe we actually
got him to take a box down.
Maybe he's finally
getting on board.
Where's the truck?
Where's Barney?
Wait for it.
I can't believe this! Everything
I own in the world is in there.
Except for this
box of pot lids.
And the sword.
I'm going to kill him.
I swear to God I'm going to kill him!
Right. Maybe I'll just hold on to that.
For now.
Marshall, we live alone.
This is so great!
We can finally do all the things we always
said we wanted to do if we lived alone.
Oh, I know what I
want to start with.
So, here we are, right?
Sitting around the
apartment naked.
- Awesome.
- Yep.
It's not as awesome as
I thought it would be.
- My butt itches.
- I'm cold.
I noticed.
Yeah, like you're
one to talk, Pointy.
Barney, I don't know if you
got my other 47 messages,
but if my stuff isn't here within
the hour I'm calling the cops.
This is the last time
I'm calling you.
Because my charger's in
the back of the truck.
Don't worry, it's Barney.
He'll bring the stuff back.
No, it's just... I was really looking
forward to settling in, you know?
Maybe setting up my TV.
Watching a movie in bed.
What?
Do we really want a
TV in the bedroom?
I thought we did.
I'm not sure that we do.
Well, where else
would we put my TV?
We could just put it in our
storage unit in the basement.
But wouldn't we miss my TV?
- Would we?
- Yes, we would.
We've had that TV
for a long time
and we would feel more at home
if it were setup in our bedroom.
- We need wine, don't we?
- Yes, we do.
Should we, um,
move this to the bedroom?
Why?
Ted doesn't live here anymore.
We can do it wherever we want.
You know what else?
We don't have to
be quiet anymore.
We can be as loud as we want.
Okay, I think we need to
lay down some ground rules.
Just because we can be loud
doesn't mean we have to be loud.
And although it
might turn you on,
you screaming,
"I'm the best," doesn't do much for me.
Well, it's a lot better than yelling,
"Ted's not here," over and over again.
Well, at least what
I said is true.
Well, that was unnecessary.
Well, since I only have one box I
figure I might as well unpack it.
Mm, where do you think
we should put it?
Well, unless you have a separate pot
lid room, I was thinking the cupboard.
What?
Uh, the thing is my
kitchen is kind of small.
And, um,
I already have a bunch of pot lids
and mine come with pots, so...
You're saying there's no way to make
room for the single box of stuff
I try to move into our place?
Well, why don't you just
take it down to the...
Do not say storage space.
I was going to say Dumpster.
Damn it, Robin,
this is all I have left in the world--
eight pot lids and a sword.
Yeah, about the sword.
Hello.
Put on the suit, Mr. Mosby.
Barney, I know it's you.
Where's my stuff?
It's not me.
If you want to see your
precious possessions again,
put on the suit.
What suit?
Ding-dong. Oh, what's that?
The doorbell.
That's the suit
I'm talking about.
I haven't gotten
to the door yet.
Oh, okay,
let me know when you get there.
Okay, I opened it.
And there's a suit there.
That's the suit
I'm talking about.
- Barney....
- This isn't Barney.
But I hear that guy's awesome.
All right.
Listen very carefully.
You will get your stuff back if you are
able to complete a series of challenges.
Number one, put on the suit.
Number two,
meet me at McClaren's in an hour.
How will I know who to look
for since we've never met?
I look like Barney.
Oh, hey, Ted.
Suit and sneakers.
A little Ellen DeGeneres
but you pull it off.
I don't have any other shoes
because you stole them along
with everything else
I own in the world.
Where's the truck, Barney?
Barney.
People's whose trucks I'm not
holding for ransom call me Barney.
I think you should
call me The Commodore.
- I'm not calling you...
- You're not getting your stuff back.
Can I please have
my stuff back...
The Commodore?
No.
Here's the deal,
Ted, you're my bro.
And you're about to become a henpecked,
beaten down, shell of a man.
So tonight, we are going to have one
last awesome night together as bros.
It's a bro-ing away party.
A special bro-casion.
A bro-choice rally.
Bro-time at the Apollo.
Oh, bro me.
Well, so what do I have to do?
No, it's not what you have to do,
it's what you want to do,
and you want to
have a good time
before you go take Fun Ted
out back and shoot him.
So... first thing
on the docket...
- get me that girl's number.
- Absolutely not.
Mm. That's too bad.
Hey, hypothetical question:
if I was all your stuff,
would I rather be at the bottom
of the East River or The Hudson?
Hey, look,
world's strongest man is on.
Ooh, it's the one where
Lou Ferrigno pulls the bus
from the Partridge
family with his teeth.
It's the best one.
Hey, Ted, get in...
- We live alone.
- Yay.
Well, I win.
You need to give my
friend your phone number.
Wow, I really didn't think Lou
Ferrigno could pull that bus.
Are you sure this is live?
It looks pretty old.
Yeah, that's 'cause the,
uh, TV is old.
So, I'll, uh,
call you tomorrow?
Yeah. Um, not too early.
I have church.
You were impressive, buddy.
Nice work.
All right, next challenge.
No. No next challenge. Look, this is
my first night living with Robin.
She's probably pissed I'm
spending it out with you.
This might be our last hurrah,
my little friend.
Marshall, I am gonna cook you
the best dinner of your life.
How would you like a...
one-egg omelet with
some ketchup and film?
Guess Ted's the one
who did the shopping.
Ooh, look, a microwave pizza!
Guess the microwave
was Ted's, too.
Yeah.
So were all the towels.
Turns out that everything that was
useful in this apartment was Ted's.
Everything that was a Foghat poster we
bought ironically in college was mine.
Marshall.
Yeah, baby?
I miss Ted.
Is it too soon to call him?
No, we shouldn't.
I don't want to interrupt his
first night living with Robin.
Ha, nice shooting.
You know, if we win this one it's free onion
rings at the Intergalactic Snack Shack.
What a bargain.
We only had to spend
20 bucks a game.
Admit it, you're having fun.
Maybe.
I mean, it was pretty funny when that
little girl fell over that space barrel.
Nice... We win.
Oh, walk of shame, walk of game--
what up?
Okay. Let's go one more.
- I don't know.
- You know you want to.
All right, let's do it--
I just got to call Robin real quick.
Oh, so that's what it's
gonna be like from now on?
No. Okay, okay. You call your old
lady and ask permission to have fun.
Me, I will be at the Snack Shack eating
our victory onion rings Han style.
Solo.
- Hey, Ted.
- Hey, sweetie listen,
I'm really sorry but I'm gonna be
pretty late, so don't wait up.
Oh, it's totally fine.
You do what you got to do.
Thanks. You're the best.
I love you.
I love you, too. Bye.
Hey, sorry about that.
Thanks for holding.
Um, so if you could go ahead and cancel
my subscription to Guns and Ammo,
that would be great.
No, it's a great magazine.
Really great.
They've printed
three of my letters.
It's just that my
boyfriend is moving in
and he kind of doesn't approve
of the whole gun thing.
A free hand grenade phone?
You know what?
Let me give you my work address.
I did it, baby!
I got beer. I got food.
We don't need Ted anymore.
I am the provider of
this apartment now,
and I have provided!
"Provode"? Provided.
Anyway, I got us
everything we need.
Could you toss me
the toilet paper?
Be right back, baby. Sit tight.
Hey, I got to admit, um...
I didn't think I would, but, uh...
I had a really
good time tonight.
You're a good friend, Barney.
Hey, man, why don't you, uh...
why don't you tell me
where my truck is.
No, I don't think so.
Where's my truck?!
Do you know why I haven't given you
any of your possessions back yet?
Uh, because you're Admiral Jerk
of the British Royal Douchery?
Because you don't
want them back.
You could've left at any time tonight,
but you didn't, Ted.
Why is that?
Because I didn't want to go back
to Robin's without my stuff.
False. You know what I think?
I think you spent one day with
her and it already sucked.
I think you didn't like being there,
she didn't like having you there
and you both realized that
you made a huge mistake.
And that's why you spent your
first night living with Robin
out playing laser tag with me.
And that's why
three seconds ago
you didn't call it "my place"
or "our place" or "home,"
you called it "Robin's."
You know what?
You can keep my stuff.
- Hey.
- Hey, did you get the truck back?
No.
Why not? What happened?
Oh, he pissed me off so much,
I left.
Anyway, I just wanted to come back here,
space out and watch a movie.
Do you anything that
wasn't made by John Woo?
Why, do you?
You know, forget the movie.
I just want to sit.
What?
It's just I eat at that table.
Fine, I'll take my shoes off.
You know, why don't you just
throw me down in the storage space
where you have room for me.
- Ted, come on.
- No, you come on.
I had to jump through
hoops all night for Barney
and then it took me an hour
to get home because his place
is so far away from the bar.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
I know where Barney
put my truck.
Let's go back to my place.
I bet you my place is closer.
Here we are.
You live in the loading
dock behind the bar?
I don't live here, baby.
This is just my ride.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not getting into any van,
I've seen Silence of the Lambs.
Oh, my God. We're drinking champagne
in the back of a moving van.
Why, yes, Sara. Yes, we are.
Those other Rockettes who
called you slow are crazy.
Oh, my God. I knew it.
You're kidnapping me.
- Help! Help!
- No, no, no, no.
I can explain.
Hello?
Enjoying the ride?
Ted? Ted, you let us out of here.
You let us out of here this instant!
This isn't Ted.
But I hear that guy's awesome.
So I took Sara home and I took
Barney to a bar near his apartment.
Apparently, that strategy
had never occurred to him.
That poor girl must've
been so confused.
Yeah.
Well, at least Barney
learned a valuable lesson.
You do not want to get scissor
kicked in the groin by a Rockette.
So, uh,
I guess we should get you unpacked.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess we should.
Lily... deep within the
Amazonian rainforest,
there is a type of tree that only grows
around the body of an existing tree.
It cannot survive
without this tree.
It is supported...
by this tree.
Lily, we are that tree.
- The inside tree or the outside tree?
- The outside tree.
- Shouldn't there be three trees?
- You and I are one tree.
Okay, look, Lily,
the point is that we grew around Ted
and without him,
we're slowly dying.
What do we do?
I think we can
marry each other.
But we also have to marry Ted.
I'll tell you right now, my Dad is
not gonna pay for that wedding.
Ted!
What are you doing here?
Robin and I aren't gonna
move in together after all.
What happened?
I thought we decided
we were ready?
I know.
How did we come to that again?
I don't remember.
We were fighting?
- It's all so blurry.
- Yeah.
The "let's move in together"
sex was pretty amazing.
I know.
I did that thing with no hands
I normally need both to do.
You know...
I'm really happy with you.
I really happy with you.
The way things are.
Maybe we shouldn't
mess with that.
I don't know that we should.
Hey... I hear the "let's not move in
together" sex is pretty incredible.
Let's go back to my place.
- Ooh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- No, thank you.
- You'll be very happy.
Look, I know you guys are really excited
about having the place to yourself.
Until after the wedding, I mean,
if it's not too much of an imposition...
God, this feels so right.
Never leave us again.
Guys, Robin's down in the truck and
there's actually a lot of boxes,
so maybe we should...
Do we have time for this?
Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my
hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list.
The category: top ten things
I would've called my truck...
It was never your truck.
...if Ted hadn't been a
jerk and given it back.
It was a rental.
Number ten, "The Winne-Bango."
Number nine,
"The Pick-Up Truck."
Number eight,
"The Ford Explore Her."
Number seven,
"The You Scream Truck."
You Scream.
Number six,
"Feels On Wheels." Hello!
Number five,
"The Ride Her Truck."
Number four, "The 18-Squeeler."
Number three, "The Esca-Laid."
Number two, "The Slam-Boney."
and... the number one thing
I would've called my truck
if Ted hadn't been a jerk
and given it back...
"The '69 Chevy."
Sorry.
How I Met your Mother - S02E17 - Arrivederci, Fiero
This is awesome.
I can't believe this
moment's finally here.
One more mile and my
little boy turns 200,000.
Your baby Fiero's grown into
a really old man Fiero.
And just like an old man,
he leaks fluid, smells stale,
makes weird noises
out the back.
Yeah, he does.
Hey, light up those cigars
in the glove compartment.
They're real Cubans.
I got 'em in Chinatown last year
just for this moment.
Uh, Marshall, I'm not saying
you were definitely ripped off,
but these are chopsticks
wrapped in napkins.
- What are you talking about?
- Whoa, pothole.
What? No. Oh. No.
No, no, no.
No, there's only .8 miles to go.
Come on, buddy.
Buddy!
Is it cool if I
still light these?
Transcript : Raceman
Subtitles : Willow's Team
www.forom.com
Kids, sometimes life forces us to
be someone we didn't want to be.
When that happens, we often try to hold
on to a little piece of who we were.
Maybe a tattoo.
Or a piece of jewelry.
A tiny souvenir that reminds us,
"This is who I really am."
Marshall's souvenir
was not so tiny,
but the more he found himself being
pushed toward the corporate world
and away from his dream of
saving the environment,
the tighter he held
on to that Fiero.
Hey.
One good thing: we're off the
hook for the folding party today.
Hey. It's very important
to both Lily and me
that there be a handmade origami
crane in each of our wedding's...
I couldn't even get through it.
Thank God.
Hey, your car's
going to be fine.
This is the best
auto shop around.
Look at this certificate.
One of the mechanics here
finished a 64-ounce steak.
Surprise.
We felt bad that you
guys were missing
the super-fun origami
folding party, so...
we suggested moving it here.
We insisted.
Terrific.
How's the Fiero?
She's still in triage.
She? I thought it
was your little boy.
Oh, it goes back and forth.
It's sort of a tranny car.
How long have you had her...
slash him?
My brothers handed it
down to me when I was 16.
Oh, how nice of them.
Not really.
Congratulations.
The Fiero is yours.
If you pass the final test.
Come on!
I already shaved my legs and
swallowed five dollars in quarters.
Only $4.50 has come out.
Just go to the
Weinerburger drive-thru
and get us 12 cups of coffee.
- That's it?
- Oh, yeah.
But we get to decide
what you wear.
Agreed. Totally agreed.
You're naked.
I'm aware of that.
You have 50 cents?
No...
Look, can I just have
my coffee, please?
Sorry, we're all out
of trays and lids.
Two tall guys just came through here
a few minutes ago and bought 'em all.
And that is the origin
of Marshall's insane
"no food or drinks in the Fiero,
not even groceries" rule.
It is not insane.
Barney. That's like the third one
in a row that you've screwed up.
Well, I'm trying, but it's...
Look. You fold twice to the middle,
fold back and forth, pull the ends out,
flip over, open the flaps, fold the
edges, crease the front, fold in half,
fold the wings down, push in the bottom
corners, and fold the wings back out.
Or would you like one of my
kindergartners to show you?
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, I think I've got it.
No.
Forget it; the paper's too expensive.
You're out.
Aw, nerts.
The food rule is insane.
We could have died because of it.
- Remember the 100K fiasco?
- Ah, the Fiero-asco.
Dude, I told you that doesn't work.
It's the 100K fiasco.
- What's the 100K fiasco?
- The Fiero-asco?
It was just before winter break
our freshman year of college.
Marshall and I were roommates,
but we weren't really good friends yet.
I thought Ted was a
little bit pretentious.
And Marshall was a total slob.
Hey.
I'm driving my Fiero
back over break.
I know we see enough of
each other as it is,
but if you want a ride,
I could use the gas money.
You live in Ohio, right?
I could swing through and pick you up.
All right, first of all,
my parents live in Ohio.
I live in the moment.
Plus, Karen and I haven't seen
each other since Thanksgiving.
We're both really invested in making
this long-distance thing work, so...
All right, well,
call me if you change your mind.
My odometer's
going to hit 100K.
She'd be so bummed
if I left early.
It was totally mutual.
I mean, Karen brought it up first,
but I...
it was...
it was totally mutual.
I hear you.
So what's up with you and Lily?
Anything serious?
Yeah.
Dude, we're college freshmen.
I'm not going to get tied down by
the first chick I hook up with.
Lily's cool, but this bird
you'll never chain, you know?
The next few hours of our
drive were classic road trip.
So... this song.
Oh, it's the best
song in the world.
It's the only song I like.
Just kidding.
Tape's been stuck in the player for,
like, two years.
Better than nothing, though.
Maybe.
I am so... sick...
of this song.
Don't worry.
It comes around again.
What do you mean?
# Just to be the man
who walks 1,000 miles #
# And falls down
at your door... #
Yeah, we totally
nailed the ending.
That was probably our best one.
Hey, you want to
play Zitch Dog?
- What?
- Uh, it's a car game.
Every time you see a dog, you got to
be the first one to say, "Zitch dog."
- I'm pretty good, so...
- Zitch dog.
Well, no, I didn't know we had...
we'd started, but...
Okay, that's cool.
You got the first point.
- Zitch dog.
- Zitch dog. Damn it!
Are we still playing?
'Cause I wasn't... I wasn't really...
12-nothing.
Marshall.
- Marshall.
- Zitch dog, blue Suburban.
Damn it!
18-nothing.
Then Marshall,
who was so busy cheating at Zitch Dog,
got us totally lost.
Where the hell are we?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
I think you skipped something.
Really? Seems impossible.
Hey, we got some time.
What do you say we get off the highway,
take the road less traveled, you know?
Robert Frost.
Doesn't seem like a smart idea.
Too late.
I'm taking this exit.
Who's not fun
enough now, Karen?
Then we got lost.
Where the hell are we?!
- I'm pulling over.
- No, keep driving.
We're almost out of gas, and we
might not even be on a road anymore.
It's below zero out. If we pull over,
we could be snowed in for days.
Plus, I only have, like, six granola
bars and three bottles of water.
- Nah, I threw them out.
- What?!
No food or drink in the Fiero.
No food or drink in the F...? You
haven't washed your sheets since...
Thus began the longest
night of our lives.
Pretty sure that my
foot is frozen solid.
Marshall...
there's a very real chance that we're
gonna be snowed in here for days.
If I die first,
do whatever you need to survive.
Eat my flesh.
Slice me open like a
tauntaun, whatever.
Thanks, Ted.
You're a good friend.
And if I die first,
you just leave my body alone.
What?
I just said you could cut me
open and crawl inside me.
Yeah, don't do any of that stuff to me;
it skeeves me out.
But... but you're dead,
and I'm gonna die if I don't.
Wasn't an easy decision.
This is all because of
your insane no-food rule.
It's perfectly rational.
Hey! My spectacles!
Hey.
I know we're low on gas,
but can we turn on the
heat for just a minute?
Okay.
Dude...
I hate to say this...
but it's so cold...
there's only one way that we're
gonna make it through this night.
- We should've kept driving.
- Come on, Marshall.
No. No. We might die now.
I may never see Lily again.
I never told
anybody this, but...
I've known for a long time that
I'm gonna marry that girl.
If we survive this,
someday I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sorry about
your spectacles.
That's okay.
They were decorative.
Hey, Marshall.
Yeah?
Are you still
thinking about Lily?
Yeah.
Please stop.
And so Marshall and I thought we were gonna
die out there in the middle of nowhere.
But funny thing...
Hey. You lovers better
just keep on driving.
- Zitch dog!
- Damn it!
You said you were gonna
marry me that long ago?
That is so sweet.
That trip is when Marshall
and I became best friends.
With privileges,
from the sound of it.
Eriksen.
Wow.
Looks like he
really needs a hug.
Ted.
He said it would be at least
3,000 bucks to make it run again.
And even then,
there's no guarantee.
Well, it's a pretty old car.
Yeah. You can keep
prolonging its life,
but it's really mostly
machine at this point.
I know that it's
a lot of money,
but it's my Fiero, you know?
I'm about to graduate and take
some sellout corporate law job,
and without that Fiero,
I'm just another guy in a suit.
- How dare you...
- Hey.
I've been through so
much in that car.
The suicidal cat.
Hitchhiking Waldo.
The homeless guy who broke
in through the window
and threw up all
over the backseat.
Lily, don't.
Be strong. Do not go all
"prisoner's dilemma" on me.
The car's on its deathbed, Robin.
I have to clear my conscience.
Guys, what are
you talking about?
Okay. Shortly
after we met Robin,
she and I were jonesing for
Thai food from this one place.
An hour and a half delivery.
We can't wait that long.
I wish we could take the Fiero, but
Marshall has this insane no-food rule.
But Thai food, Lily.
Pad Yum Mao.
Tom Kai Gah.
Thai See Ran.
Oh! You're just saying random syllables,
and it still sounds delicious.
Okay. Here's what we'll do.
We'll drive over, pick it up,
have them double-bag it,
very carefully drive it back
here with the windows open,
and he'll never know.
Wow, these brakes
are really sensitive.
Oh, Marshall is gonna kill me!
This and the difference between "affect"
and "effect" are the only two things
he's really serious about.
- Lily, it's gonna be fine.
- No, it's not.
Marshall's gonna freak.
Oh, God, oh, God. What are we gonna do?
- Oh, God, oh...!
- Shut up!
Now, listen to me.
The clock is ticking.
Okay, first thing, we scoop up all
these little pieces of tofu and cabbage.
Next, what we need to take care
of are the really messy parts--
the pools that have collected.
We got to soak that soup up.
Last is the smell.
We got to cover up that Tom Kah Gai.
You mentioned cigars.
There's two in the glove compartment,
but he's been saving them.
Hand me those chopsticks.
Hey, how about some tunes?
Oh, great song.
These cigars aren't
helping at all.
Yeah. This was a terrible idea.
Now it just smells like a
homeless guy threw up in here.
The broken windows?
We had to make it
look realistic.
Why did you break two of them?
It looked like fun when she did it.
So I wanted to try.
Can't believe this whole
time it was you guys.
I've been blaming really
tanned dancing leotard guy.
Marshall, I'm so sorry,
but sharing that secret--
that's when Robin and
I became best friends.
Wow. What a special car.
So, can I crush it into
a little cube yet?
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
Come on, Marshall.
This is your Fiero.
You know the right
thing to do here.
Wow, Barney,
why do you love that car so much?
Love it?
Hold on a second.
Love it?
I hate it!
What? Why?
Why? Why?
Why?!
- Why?!
- Let me tell it.
It was last year during
the transit strike.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, is Marshall around?
I have a massage in Queens in
half an hour. I need a ride.
Uh, no, he's at the library all day.
Just take the keys.
Hey! Why don't you drive me?
It'll be like a
total road trip.
To Queens?
Yeah, we'll get,
we'll get beef jerky, Triscuits.
Uh, actually I have a
lot of work to do, so.
Okay. Well, anyway,
I'll cancel.
- See you later.
- Wait!
You know how to drive, right?
What, of course I know how to drive.
I love driving.
Hitting the road.
Cruising the lanes.
And braking.
Honking. Love it.
Except for lady drivers.
Don't get me started
on lady drivers.
- Which pedal's the gas?
- Trick question.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
- Middle, left, right?
I never learned how to drive!
I grew up in the city.
I never had a chance.
Well, guess what?
You're getting your chance.
Because I'm going to teach you.
Barney Stinson, buckle up.
This isn't right.
God never meant for us to travel
at such breakneck speeds.
Relax. You're doing great.
Ignore the old lady on the rascal;
this isn't a race.
Dude, a dog.
Zitch dogs, this. Or nothing.
What do I do?
Tell me what to do, Ted.
Step on the brakes.
Sometime in the next 20 minutes.
Which? Which one's
the break again?
- The left one.
- Left. Oh, man, left.
- I'm totally blanking.
- Make the Ls.
Oh, we're not going to make it.
Why did you just
turn on the radio?
I don't know why I
turned on the radio!
We're going to die.
Tell me what to do, Ted.
Relax. You're being crazy.
- Help me, Ted! I'm being serious.
- Stop, drop and roll.
Screaming is fun!
Screaming is fun!
I can't move.
I can't... I can't feel my...
Wait.
Wait.
We're okay.
- We're okay.
- We're okay.
It's a miracle, Ted!
Wow. Sounds like you had
some accident in that car.
Actually, he had two accidents
if you add the fact that he...
ummina-hummina-hummina-hummina
ummina-hummina-hummina-hummina.
I shouldn't even be here,
thanks to that deathtrap.
But fate...
fate gave me a second chance.
And helped me realize that our days on
this planet are too few to squander.
So I decided from
that moment on
to continue living
life to its fullest.
So you made a life-changing decision
to not change your life at all.
True story.
Guys.
This Fiero's meant
a lot to all of us.
Friendships were made.
Adventures had. Horrors faced.
That's why we have
to get rid of it.
- Yes!
- What?
It's lived a great life and it
deserves to die with dignity.
But 200,000...
But that's life. You know?
You never end up where you
thought you wanted to be.
I'm not helping
the environment.
Ted's not a philosopher.
Lily's not not a
world-famous artist.
Barney's never driven more
than ten miles an hour.
Robin, I'm sure, has also experienced
disappointment in her life.
Maybe?
And my Fiero's not a Fiero
that went 200,000 miles.
It's okay. You know?
Those are old dreams.
We'll get a new car and we'll fill
that one up with new memories.
And that'll be the car we had
when we were first married.
When we owned our first house.
Maybe even the first car
our four kids remember.
That's so sweet.
The first car our
two kids remember.
I would like to say good-bye.
You know what?
This Fiero,
it's effected all our lives.
- Affected.
- That's what I said.
Just making sure.
Got us all a lot of places.
I mean maybe it's time
we return the favor.
This Fiero should have
made it to 200,000.
So, let's get it out that door.
And we'll push it
the last .7 miles.
It'd do the same for us.
Hey, geniuses.
The back wheels are on blocks.
That car ain't going anywhere.
- Close enough!
- Close enough!
And so Marshall said
good-bye to his Fiero.
And as the car's
final gift to us all,
the money he got for scrap parts paid
our bar tab for the next two nights.
Arrivederci, Fiero!
You were the freaking
giving tree of cars.
May you rust in peace.
Rot in hell, devil steed.
And what better friend
is there than that?
Bro. Have you heard
this new song?
I just got the cassingle.
Put it in.
I am never going to
get sick of this song.
Never, ever, never,
never, ever.
Yeah!
I can't believe this
moment's finally here.
One more mile and my
little boy turns 200,000.
Your baby Fiero's grown into
a really old man Fiero.
And just like an old man,
he leaks fluid, smells stale,
makes weird noises
out the back.
Yeah, he does.
Hey, light up those cigars
in the glove compartment.
They're real Cubans.
I got 'em in Chinatown last year
just for this moment.
Uh, Marshall, I'm not saying
you were definitely ripped off,
but these are chopsticks
wrapped in napkins.
- What are you talking about?
- Whoa, pothole.
What? No. Oh. No.
No, no, no.
No, there's only .8 miles to go.
Come on, buddy.
Buddy!
Is it cool if I
still light these?
Transcript : Raceman
Subtitles : Willow's Team
www.forom.com
Kids, sometimes life forces us to
be someone we didn't want to be.
When that happens, we often try to hold
on to a little piece of who we were.
Maybe a tattoo.
Or a piece of jewelry.
A tiny souvenir that reminds us,
"This is who I really am."
Marshall's souvenir
was not so tiny,
but the more he found himself being
pushed toward the corporate world
and away from his dream of
saving the environment,
the tighter he held
on to that Fiero.
Hey.
One good thing: we're off the
hook for the folding party today.
Hey. It's very important
to both Lily and me
that there be a handmade origami
crane in each of our wedding's...
I couldn't even get through it.
Thank God.
Hey, your car's
going to be fine.
This is the best
auto shop around.
Look at this certificate.
One of the mechanics here
finished a 64-ounce steak.
Surprise.
We felt bad that you
guys were missing
the super-fun origami
folding party, so...
we suggested moving it here.
We insisted.
Terrific.
How's the Fiero?
She's still in triage.
She? I thought it
was your little boy.
Oh, it goes back and forth.
It's sort of a tranny car.
How long have you had her...
slash him?
My brothers handed it
down to me when I was 16.
Oh, how nice of them.
Not really.
Congratulations.
The Fiero is yours.
If you pass the final test.
Come on!
I already shaved my legs and
swallowed five dollars in quarters.
Only $4.50 has come out.
Just go to the
Weinerburger drive-thru
and get us 12 cups of coffee.
- That's it?
- Oh, yeah.
But we get to decide
what you wear.
Agreed. Totally agreed.
You're naked.
I'm aware of that.
You have 50 cents?
No...
Look, can I just have
my coffee, please?
Sorry, we're all out
of trays and lids.
Two tall guys just came through here
a few minutes ago and bought 'em all.
And that is the origin
of Marshall's insane
"no food or drinks in the Fiero,
not even groceries" rule.
It is not insane.
Barney. That's like the third one
in a row that you've screwed up.
Well, I'm trying, but it's...
Look. You fold twice to the middle,
fold back and forth, pull the ends out,
flip over, open the flaps, fold the
edges, crease the front, fold in half,
fold the wings down, push in the bottom
corners, and fold the wings back out.
Or would you like one of my
kindergartners to show you?
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, I think I've got it.
No.
Forget it; the paper's too expensive.
You're out.
Aw, nerts.
The food rule is insane.
We could have died because of it.
- Remember the 100K fiasco?
- Ah, the Fiero-asco.
Dude, I told you that doesn't work.
It's the 100K fiasco.
- What's the 100K fiasco?
- The Fiero-asco?
It was just before winter break
our freshman year of college.
Marshall and I were roommates,
but we weren't really good friends yet.
I thought Ted was a
little bit pretentious.
And Marshall was a total slob.
Hey.
I'm driving my Fiero
back over break.
I know we see enough of
each other as it is,
but if you want a ride,
I could use the gas money.
You live in Ohio, right?
I could swing through and pick you up.
All right, first of all,
my parents live in Ohio.
I live in the moment.
Plus, Karen and I haven't seen
each other since Thanksgiving.
We're both really invested in making
this long-distance thing work, so...
All right, well,
call me if you change your mind.
My odometer's
going to hit 100K.
She'd be so bummed
if I left early.
It was totally mutual.
I mean, Karen brought it up first,
but I...
it was...
it was totally mutual.
I hear you.
So what's up with you and Lily?
Anything serious?
Yeah.
Dude, we're college freshmen.
I'm not going to get tied down by
the first chick I hook up with.
Lily's cool, but this bird
you'll never chain, you know?
The next few hours of our
drive were classic road trip.
So... this song.
Oh, it's the best
song in the world.
It's the only song I like.
Just kidding.
Tape's been stuck in the player for,
like, two years.
Better than nothing, though.
Maybe.
I am so... sick...
of this song.
Don't worry.
It comes around again.
What do you mean?
# Just to be the man
who walks 1,000 miles #
# And falls down
at your door... #
Yeah, we totally
nailed the ending.
That was probably our best one.
Hey, you want to
play Zitch Dog?
- What?
- Uh, it's a car game.
Every time you see a dog, you got to
be the first one to say, "Zitch dog."
- I'm pretty good, so...
- Zitch dog.
Well, no, I didn't know we had...
we'd started, but...
Okay, that's cool.
You got the first point.
- Zitch dog.
- Zitch dog. Damn it!
Are we still playing?
'Cause I wasn't... I wasn't really...
12-nothing.
Marshall.
- Marshall.
- Zitch dog, blue Suburban.
Damn it!
18-nothing.
Then Marshall,
who was so busy cheating at Zitch Dog,
got us totally lost.
Where the hell are we?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
I think you skipped something.
Really? Seems impossible.
Hey, we got some time.
What do you say we get off the highway,
take the road less traveled, you know?
Robert Frost.
Doesn't seem like a smart idea.
Too late.
I'm taking this exit.
Who's not fun
enough now, Karen?
Then we got lost.
Where the hell are we?!
- I'm pulling over.
- No, keep driving.
We're almost out of gas, and we
might not even be on a road anymore.
It's below zero out. If we pull over,
we could be snowed in for days.
Plus, I only have, like, six granola
bars and three bottles of water.
- Nah, I threw them out.
- What?!
No food or drink in the Fiero.
No food or drink in the F...? You
haven't washed your sheets since...
Thus began the longest
night of our lives.
Pretty sure that my
foot is frozen solid.
Marshall...
there's a very real chance that we're
gonna be snowed in here for days.
If I die first,
do whatever you need to survive.
Eat my flesh.
Slice me open like a
tauntaun, whatever.
Thanks, Ted.
You're a good friend.
And if I die first,
you just leave my body alone.
What?
I just said you could cut me
open and crawl inside me.
Yeah, don't do any of that stuff to me;
it skeeves me out.
But... but you're dead,
and I'm gonna die if I don't.
Wasn't an easy decision.
This is all because of
your insane no-food rule.
It's perfectly rational.
Hey! My spectacles!
Hey.
I know we're low on gas,
but can we turn on the
heat for just a minute?
Okay.
Dude...
I hate to say this...
but it's so cold...
there's only one way that we're
gonna make it through this night.
- We should've kept driving.
- Come on, Marshall.
No. No. We might die now.
I may never see Lily again.
I never told
anybody this, but...
I've known for a long time that
I'm gonna marry that girl.
If we survive this,
someday I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sorry about
your spectacles.
That's okay.
They were decorative.
Hey, Marshall.
Yeah?
Are you still
thinking about Lily?
Yeah.
Please stop.
And so Marshall and I thought we were gonna
die out there in the middle of nowhere.
But funny thing...
Hey. You lovers better
just keep on driving.
- Zitch dog!
- Damn it!
You said you were gonna
marry me that long ago?
That is so sweet.
That trip is when Marshall
and I became best friends.
With privileges,
from the sound of it.
Eriksen.
Wow.
Looks like he
really needs a hug.
Ted.
He said it would be at least
3,000 bucks to make it run again.
And even then,
there's no guarantee.
Well, it's a pretty old car.
Yeah. You can keep
prolonging its life,
but it's really mostly
machine at this point.
I know that it's
a lot of money,
but it's my Fiero, you know?
I'm about to graduate and take
some sellout corporate law job,
and without that Fiero,
I'm just another guy in a suit.
- How dare you...
- Hey.
I've been through so
much in that car.
The suicidal cat.
Hitchhiking Waldo.
The homeless guy who broke
in through the window
and threw up all
over the backseat.
Lily, don't.
Be strong. Do not go all
"prisoner's dilemma" on me.
The car's on its deathbed, Robin.
I have to clear my conscience.
Guys, what are
you talking about?
Okay. Shortly
after we met Robin,
she and I were jonesing for
Thai food from this one place.
An hour and a half delivery.
We can't wait that long.
I wish we could take the Fiero, but
Marshall has this insane no-food rule.
But Thai food, Lily.
Pad Yum Mao.
Tom Kai Gah.
Thai See Ran.
Oh! You're just saying random syllables,
and it still sounds delicious.
Okay. Here's what we'll do.
We'll drive over, pick it up,
have them double-bag it,
very carefully drive it back
here with the windows open,
and he'll never know.
Wow, these brakes
are really sensitive.
Oh, Marshall is gonna kill me!
This and the difference between "affect"
and "effect" are the only two things
he's really serious about.
- Lily, it's gonna be fine.
- No, it's not.
Marshall's gonna freak.
Oh, God, oh, God. What are we gonna do?
- Oh, God, oh...!
- Shut up!
Now, listen to me.
The clock is ticking.
Okay, first thing, we scoop up all
these little pieces of tofu and cabbage.
Next, what we need to take care
of are the really messy parts--
the pools that have collected.
We got to soak that soup up.
Last is the smell.
We got to cover up that Tom Kah Gai.
You mentioned cigars.
There's two in the glove compartment,
but he's been saving them.
Hand me those chopsticks.
Hey, how about some tunes?
Oh, great song.
These cigars aren't
helping at all.
Yeah. This was a terrible idea.
Now it just smells like a
homeless guy threw up in here.
The broken windows?
We had to make it
look realistic.
Why did you break two of them?
It looked like fun when she did it.
So I wanted to try.
Can't believe this whole
time it was you guys.
I've been blaming really
tanned dancing leotard guy.
Marshall, I'm so sorry,
but sharing that secret--
that's when Robin and
I became best friends.
Wow. What a special car.
So, can I crush it into
a little cube yet?
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
Come on, Marshall.
This is your Fiero.
You know the right
thing to do here.
Wow, Barney,
why do you love that car so much?
Love it?
Hold on a second.
Love it?
I hate it!
What? Why?
Why? Why?
Why?!
- Why?!
- Let me tell it.
It was last year during
the transit strike.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, is Marshall around?
I have a massage in Queens in
half an hour. I need a ride.
Uh, no, he's at the library all day.
Just take the keys.
Hey! Why don't you drive me?
It'll be like a
total road trip.
To Queens?
Yeah, we'll get,
we'll get beef jerky, Triscuits.
Uh, actually I have a
lot of work to do, so.
Okay. Well, anyway,
I'll cancel.
- See you later.
- Wait!
You know how to drive, right?
What, of course I know how to drive.
I love driving.
Hitting the road.
Cruising the lanes.
And braking.
Honking. Love it.
Except for lady drivers.
Don't get me started
on lady drivers.
- Which pedal's the gas?
- Trick question.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
- Middle, left, right?
I never learned how to drive!
I grew up in the city.
I never had a chance.
Well, guess what?
You're getting your chance.
Because I'm going to teach you.
Barney Stinson, buckle up.
This isn't right.
God never meant for us to travel
at such breakneck speeds.
Relax. You're doing great.
Ignore the old lady on the rascal;
this isn't a race.
Dude, a dog.
Zitch dogs, this. Or nothing.
What do I do?
Tell me what to do, Ted.
Step on the brakes.
Sometime in the next 20 minutes.
Which? Which one's
the break again?
- The left one.
- Left. Oh, man, left.
- I'm totally blanking.
- Make the Ls.
Oh, we're not going to make it.
Why did you just
turn on the radio?
I don't know why I
turned on the radio!
We're going to die.
Tell me what to do, Ted.
Relax. You're being crazy.
- Help me, Ted! I'm being serious.
- Stop, drop and roll.
Screaming is fun!
Screaming is fun!
I can't move.
I can't... I can't feel my...
Wait.
Wait.
We're okay.
- We're okay.
- We're okay.
It's a miracle, Ted!
Wow. Sounds like you had
some accident in that car.
Actually, he had two accidents
if you add the fact that he...
ummina-hummina-hummina-hummina
ummina-hummina-hummina-hummina.
I shouldn't even be here,
thanks to that deathtrap.
But fate...
fate gave me a second chance.
And helped me realize that our days on
this planet are too few to squander.
So I decided from
that moment on
to continue living
life to its fullest.
So you made a life-changing decision
to not change your life at all.
True story.
Guys.
This Fiero's meant
a lot to all of us.
Friendships were made.
Adventures had. Horrors faced.
That's why we have
to get rid of it.
- Yes!
- What?
It's lived a great life and it
deserves to die with dignity.
But 200,000...
But that's life. You know?
You never end up where you
thought you wanted to be.
I'm not helping
the environment.
Ted's not a philosopher.
Lily's not not a
world-famous artist.
Barney's never driven more
than ten miles an hour.
Robin, I'm sure, has also experienced
disappointment in her life.
Maybe?
And my Fiero's not a Fiero
that went 200,000 miles.
It's okay. You know?
Those are old dreams.
We'll get a new car and we'll fill
that one up with new memories.
And that'll be the car we had
when we were first married.
When we owned our first house.
Maybe even the first car
our four kids remember.
That's so sweet.
The first car our
two kids remember.
I would like to say good-bye.
You know what?
This Fiero,
it's effected all our lives.
- Affected.
- That's what I said.
Just making sure.
Got us all a lot of places.
I mean maybe it's time
we return the favor.
This Fiero should have
made it to 200,000.
So, let's get it out that door.
And we'll push it
the last .7 miles.
It'd do the same for us.
Hey, geniuses.
The back wheels are on blocks.
That car ain't going anywhere.
- Close enough!
- Close enough!
And so Marshall said
good-bye to his Fiero.
And as the car's
final gift to us all,
the money he got for scrap parts paid
our bar tab for the next two nights.
Arrivederci, Fiero!
You were the freaking
giving tree of cars.
May you rust in peace.
Rot in hell, devil steed.
And what better friend
is there than that?
Bro. Have you heard
this new song?
I just got the cassingle.
Put it in.
I am never going to
get sick of this song.
Never, ever, never,
never, ever.
Yeah!
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