How I Met Your Mother S03E19 - Everything Must Go

<i>Kids, in the spring of 2008,
<i>something kinda strange had been
happening to your Uncle Barney.
<i>He'd be doing
great with a woman...
So I throw the pressurized
oxygen tank in his mouth,
I shoot the tank, boom!
No more shark.
Mr. Holland and I
swim back to shore.
Let me freshen your drink.
<i>He'd only be gone a few moments,
but when he returned...
So where were we?
<i>...he'd get slapped.
<i>It kept happening.
<i>Until finally, Lily was approached
by a mysterious woman
<i>who warned her
to stay away from Barney.
<i>So when it happened once more...
Again?!
Really?! Wait...
<i>...Barney knew who to look for.
Hey, excuse me.
Did I sleep with you and
then totally screw you over?
No.
What are you doing on Friday?
Amy?
Abby.
Right.
Sync : MiniBen314
Proofreading : MiniBen314.
Transcript : Raceman
Resync : kabbage
<i>How I Met Your Mother
3x19 - Everything Must Go
<i>for the "Have You Met Team"
for www.forom.com
<i>Kids, sometimes you can do something
right a thousand times in a row...
A rainbow!
That's beautiful!
What a beautiful rainbow!
Another rainbow?
It's beautiful!
<i>But then, that
thousand-and-first time...
You're kidding me. Seriously,
aren't you sick of these things?
Hey, how was yo day?
Today, I yelled at a little girl
for painting a rainbow.
A rainbow? Sounds like
that bitch had it coming.
So, uh, I just met with the contractor.
And it turns out, that fixing
the floors of the new apartment
is going to cost a lot more
than the estimate.
But we can barely
afford that to begin with.
I hate to say this,
but I think you're going to have
to sell your stuff.
Whoa! Marshall, that's just a game
we play in the bedroom.
I mean your clothes. All those
designer pieces and everything.
What?
Why just my clothes?
We can sell my stuff, too,
but I got to tell you,
I think your Marc Jacobs cocktail dress
is going to go for a lot more than my
- "Split Happens" bowling shirt.
- Dude.
I'm not selling that.
- I've already made the Website.
- You made a Website?
Yeah, it's called "Lily-and-Marshall
-sell-their-stuff-dot-com."
No, you know what would be
a better name for the site?
Guy-forces-his-wife-to-dress-in-a-garbage
-bag-for-the-next-three-years-dot-com.
That's real.
Now I'm worried. That woman is actually
wearing a garbage bag.
Hmm, but, girlfriend,
you cannot pull off a tall kitchen.
Why are you trying
to ruin my life?
Well, you slept with me and
then you never called me again.
- And?
- That's it.
That's it?
As far as I'm concerned,
if I leave you safe on dry land
with adequate transportation home,
you've got nothing to complain about.
Well, it hurt, okay?
And then Ted, the love of my life,
started dating my boss instead of me.
Do you know how that feels?
Oh, boo-hoo, poor little Ashley.
- Abby!
- Abby.
A few weeks ago, Ted
dumped me as his wingman.
You had a crush on him
for a couple weeks?
I was Ted's best friend
for seven years.
- Ted said Marshall was his best friend.
- Seven years!
Sorry.
Ted.
What an idiot.
With his stupid "meaningful
relationship" with Stella.
- Ted.
- Ted.
- I hate Ted.
- I hate Ted more.
- Are you as turned on as I am?
- Probably not quite as much.
I'm sorry I yelled out "Ted."
I'm sorry I yelled out "Abby."
I am Abby.
Oh, cool.
This is insane.
Has Lily even worn
half this stuff?
Oh, yeah, like there's nothing in your
closet you've never worn?
As a matter of fact,
no, there isn't.
Whatever, red cowboy boots.
Those are nice boots.
I totally pull those off.
If I were to say
"Ted could never pull them off,"
- what would I be talking about?
- His red cowboy boots.
I totally pull them off!
It's a classic Western look.
Oh, okay, uh, today's category:
classic Westerns that involve
red cowboy boots.
Robin.
"The Good, the Bad,
and the Fabulous."
"The Magnificent Kevin."
"No Country for Straight Men."
I don't want to sell my clothes!
I know, sweetie.
Come here.
Is this a hundred percent silk?
Lily, listen,
we really need the money.
I have some leads on a job,
but until then, I just...
I don't know what else
we can do.
I'll sell my paintings!
What?
Yeah, I'll sell my paintings.
Good oil paintings go for like, $500.
Yeah.
Totally.
But...
<i>Kids, sometimes you can do something
right a thousand times in a row...
I love it.
It's a masterpiece.
That's it.
We're selling the TV.
I just want to come home
and stare at this all day.
Somebody call the cops!
My wife stole an awesome painting
from the museum!
<i>But then, that
thousand-and-first time...
...that kind of money
only goes for real paintings.
What does that mean?
Look, it just means that we need money
right now and I'm not sure that
selling your paintings
is how we're going to get it.
You don't believe in me.
No, wait, wait!
Of c...
of course I believe in you!
Marshall, I am proud
of my work as an artist.
My paintings are good.
I bet Robin would buy one.
What now?
I love your painting, I just...
I'm trying to be realistic.
Well, how much money do we need
for the contractor to finish the job?
About 1,500 bucks.
So, if I can sell three of my paintings
at 500 bucks a pop, then
I get to keep all my clothes.
- We need money fast.
- Well, give me a week.
Okay, a week.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Fine.
Pulling. Them. Off.
<i>Lily's first move in the great
art challenge of 2008
<i>was to display one of her favorite
paintings at her friend's gallery.
<i>The night didn't go so well.
<i>But then at the last minute...
- I love it.
- You do?
Your top. It's gorgeous.
Is that 100% silk?
It's not for sale!
My clothes are not for sale!
<i>So the next day, Lily took
her painting to a coffee house
<i>that displayed local artists.
We've been sitting here for hours and
nobody's even glanced at my painting.
Come on.
Let's start talking it up.
I really like that painting!
It's neat!
The-the colors are neat.
The-the shapes are neat.
It's really just...
neat.
What?
Observe.
I think there's a dynamic quality
to the brushwork that,
combined with the fluid composition,
creates an almost
Kandinsky-like emotional resonance.
Yes, and you can still enjoy it
even if you're not a pretentious douche.
Can you clarify something
for me about your critique?
Are the colors "neat" or
are they more "neato burrito?"
Uh, then again,
red cowboy boots.
I pull these off!
I pull these off!
You know what
I hate most about Ted?
What?
His stupid hair.
His stupid, lame awesome hair.
It's so stupid and awesome.
You know what
I hate most about Ted?
What?
How he's always like, "Oh, I want to
fall in love and have a relationship.
I care about the people I have
sex with." He's so lame.
He's so lame and awesome.
You know what he needs?
He needs to see just how horrible
he is when he's in a relationship.
Yeah, and I need to show Ted
that I'm over him.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
I think so.
You're thinking
of having sex with Ted?
<i>After four days without selling a single
painting, Lily was getting desperate.
Painting for sale!
$500!
Lifelong dream
hanging in the balance!
It's like they don't even see us.
Yeah, we're dirt to them.
What do you need money for?
Oh, I'm trying to fix the hardwood
floors in my new apartment.
You?
Heroin.
- Do you like heroin?
- Love it.
If you sell that, I'm going to take
your money and go buy some more heroin.
Thanks for your honesty,
Crazy Sock Guy.
- Oh, I'm never gonna sell this...
- It's not very good.
<i>And just as she was about
to lose all hope,
<i>something amazing happened.
Oh, my God!
500 bucks! Who's a real
painter now, Marshall?
Honey, I never said
you weren't a real painter.
I know, sweetie.
And since I'm a
professional artist now,
I'm going to sketch you
an Aldrin original,
you know, to say thanks for being
such a supportive husband.
I'm thinking about calling it...
"Suck It!"
Lily, come on. I'm proud of you.
Who-who bought it?
Well, that's the best part.
A gay couple without kids.
A G-CWOK!
- You bagged a G-CWOK?!
- Yeah, that's right.
They are the heart and soul
of the art-buying community.
You know what you should do?
You should call up the G-CWOKs
and offer them a free painting
if they throw a private art party
for all their G-CWOK friends.
That's an amazing idea.
I'm going to go call them.
I can probably sell two more
paintings with time to spare.
Oh, wait, Marshall. There was something
I had to tell you. What was it?
Oh, that's right.
Suck it.
Hey.
Ted, fancy bumping
into you here.
Have you guys met
my girlfriend Abby?
- Uh, yeah. Hi, Abby. So...
- Hello, Abby.
So you guys are dating now?
That's right.
I am done with this
whole being awesome thing.
Now I'm all about
farmers' markets and
day hikes in matching khaki cargo
shorts. Isn't that right, sweetie?
That's right.
And girlfriends are lame.
Unless they're me.
I miss you, Ted.
Abby and I are in love.
Not hot passionate love.
Couple love.
You know, movie night
with my girlfriend,
then waiting for her
to go to bed
so I can steal one pitiful moment
of hollow ecstasy
by the cold, blue light
of my computer monitor.
We're showing Ted
how lame he is.
You don't have to say it, though.
Uh, okay, Barney,
you can stop.
Stop what, Ted?
Stop being in love?
Next he'll ask us to stop breathing.
We can't stop breathing, Ted.
Your hair looks amazing.
Barney, I, I see what you're doing.
Please stop.
Not before I share with you what
being in a relationship leads to, Ted.
Abby, Pookie Bear...
I am so pathetically
desperate for you, that...
aw, heck, I'll just say it.
- Will you marry me?
- Wait, really?
I would never joke about true love.
- Yes, I'll marry you.
- Okay.
Thank you, thank you.
I have to call my mom.
That's you.
Uh, yeah, I don't think
Abby knows you're kidding.
Uh, yes, she does.
It finally happened, Mama.
I just wish Daddy were alive
to walk me down the aisle.
Totally committed to the bit.
Yes, Lily Aldrin.
I sold you the painting earlier today.
Oh, honey, hello.
You sound happy.
Are you kidding? We're popping
the champagne right now.
Well, I just wanted to offer you
an exclusive chance
to view some of my other paintings.
Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, oh,
I guess I should have told you.
We just bought that for the frame.
What?
Yeah, it's an original
Anton Kreutzer,
a very rare frame
from the turn of the century.
So... you didn't like my painting?
Oh, honey, oh, sweetie,
no, not at all.
But you know,
good for you.
Well, if you didn't want
the painting, can I...
can I at least get it back?
Yeah, no,
we don't have it anymore.
Where is it?
I see.
H-He threw out my painting.
Champagne for everyone,
on me,
the happiest guy in the world.
Ginger ale.
It's a bit.
This is great.
My dream of becoming
an artist is dead,
and now I'm watching my wardrobe
disappear piece by piece.
There goes my favorite dress.
This dress meant a lot to me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It was spring of 2004 and
I had been having a hard few months.
Day-am.
I got a two-syllable "damn"
in this dress.
A two-syllable "damn."
- That's the dream.
- Yeah.
Now she belongs to...
CanadaGirl@MetroNewsOne.com.
It's still in the family.
Lily, you're not going to believe this.
- Something amazing happened.
- What?
I went to the G-CWOK's apartment.
Really? Why?
Because I felt guilty.
This auction was my idea and now
you've had to sit around all day
while a bunch of vultures ruthlessly
ick apart the carcass of your wardrobe.
It's still in the family.
And more importantly,
I honestly love that painting and
I couldn't stand to think of it
in a trashcan someplace.
Well, what happened?
Well, hello.
Hi, um... Lawrence. I'm here about
the painting my wife Lily sold you...
the one in the nice frame.
Talk about a nice frame.
My, my, you are a big one, aren't you?
And you're married to that little bit
of a thing. How does that work?
I'd like to find out.
Yeah, we get it.
Gay guys like you.
No, Lily,
they love me,
but that's not the important part.
Here's the important part.
Since you're clearly a man
of impeccable taste and style,
I came down here to ask you:
what do you think of the boots?
Boots.
Pulling. Them. Off.
I'll be in the cab.
G-CWOK-approved.
The painting.
Right, so, um, they told me they
threw it in the building's Dumpster.
<i>It wasn't in there, but the super
told me that he'd seen one Dr. Greer,
<i>a veterinarian who
works in the building,
<i>take the painting out of the trash.
Dr. Greer? Who's Dr. Greer and
why did he take my painting?
You're about to find out.
Long story short,
I had to make a trash run.
Been a busy day...
lots of neuterings.
Ooh, we don't need the details.
Oh, no no no,
it's not what you think.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, mostly
just dog testicles. Anyway...
<i>I noticed your painting
<i>just sitting right there on top
and I thought, "Hey, free painting,"
<i>so I brought it upstairs and
hung it up in Exam Room 3,
<i>and then the strangest
thing happened.
Hey, Muffin.
Whoa, I think he remembers me
from the last time he was here.
Take Muffin to Exam Room 3.
I'll meet you there.
<i>I went in, expecting the worst.
<i>I'd never seen Muffin that calm,
<i>and then a little later the same thing
happened again with Tidbit...
<i>and King Larry...
<i>and again
with the Weinstein triplets.
Something about your art
speaks to the canine sensibility
on a very primal level.
- Really? Dogs like my paintings?
- Yeah.
But you know who it bums out?
Birds.
Had a parrot in there today.
He took one look at it,
pried open his cage,
flew right into the ceiling fan.
Anyway, because your first
painting worked so well,
I convinced Dr. Greer
to buy four more.
- Really?
- At $500 apiece.
That's two grand. That's more
than we need for the contractor.
Yeah, but I was actually
thinking we could reinvest it.
- In what?
- In you.
<i>Marshall explained that
he was building a fancy new Web site
<i>specifically to sell
Lily's artwork to veterinarians.
Well, it's not exactly
the clientele I had in mind, but...
thank you for believing in me.
Man,
birds do not get you.
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, I think I left my tie here.
Have you seen it?
No, I'm in wedding-planning mode.
Stressville. Population: me.
Okay, big decision.
What do you think the cake should be:
Fudgie the Whale or Cookie Puss?
Yeah, that was a bit.
We were doing a bit.
So I'm thinking Labor Day.
I was going to say Fourth of July,
but I don't want to steal
any attention away from America.
Abby, I've...
I've got some bad news.
- I can't marry you.
- What?
Ted begged me not to.
I think he's in love with you.
- Really?
- Yes, our plan worked,
better than we ever dreamed.
You have to go to him.
Here's his home address.
But you know what? He works late,
so I wouldn't go before
2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.
Oh, my God, thank you.
But now I feel wrong keeping this.
Oh, yeah, I wouldn't worry about that.
That's made of candy.
Later.