Kids this is the story of the cab ride that changed my life
I know it sounds crazy
before all I know my life would be very different if I've taken,say
that cab,or that cab
God knows what will happen if I got into that cab
I took this cab
and it changed my whole life
But first we need to back up a little
hey any beer in the fridge?
It's 10 in the morning
grab me one
so something bad just happened
stella and I were out having breakfast
so my sister broke up with her boyfriend
I can finally say it
I hated that guy.
everything in his month is I am a vegen,fish feel pain.
I am never constipate.That guy is an idiot
Actually she is marrying him
I just wanna know your honest opinion
He is actually a real nice guy I think there is a wisdom to catch
Anyway, they picked a date, so, uh,
you want to come with me,
so that we can laugh our asses off
as we watch him walk barefoot down the aisle
in a hemp tuxedo?
Yeah, sure. When is it?
Uh, first weekend in November.
<i>Is that
the something bad?
That she invited you to a wedding?
Six months from now.
As in we'll be together six months from now.
Do you guys remember
Barney's whole thing about making plans in a relationship?
Fourth row.
Ted, no.
You're violating the date-time continuum.
You never make plans with a girl further in the future
than the amount of time you've been going out.
You've been dating this girl for,what,two weeks?
No, you're not taking her to a Springsteen concert in January.
By that time you won't even remember this Robin girl's name.
Ugh, man, I love Springsteen!
He's like the American Bryan Adams.
But Barney had a point.
As soon as she started talking about the wedding,
it freaked me out.
Oh,that sounds like so much fun.
So I get to look forward to it
for six months.
Which is twice as long as we've been dating.
Uh-oh.
I'm sure your daughter Lucy'll come
so it'll be like a... a family trip.
Our first trip as our funny little family.
So that... that'll be super-exciting.
Oh, boy.
Man, they crank up the heat in these places.
What's going on, Ted?
We need to talk.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
"We need to talk"?
There's only two situations where you say that to someone
and unless you're pregnant,
it sounds like you broke up with her.
Yeah, I did.
So how did she take it?
I'm only trying to be honest with you.
You know,Ted. I have to go to work.
Stella, can we just...
I don't want to leave it like this.
No, Ted, it's okay.
We're good.
Ow!
Look, I know it sounds rough,
but Stella's a mom.
I have to be responsible.
If I'm having these feelings now,
what if they don't go away?
What if they just get worse and worse?
and six months from now, I break up with her
over tofu salmon at her sister's wedding?
I can't do that to her.
And I definitely can't do that to her daughter.
It sucks, but I'm being the good guy here.
This is the right decision.
<i>Which brings me back to the cab ride.
Hello, may I speak with Marshall Eriksen?
Hey, guys.
Jell-O?
can't believe this you are totally fine.
No, I'm not fine.
I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I want Stella back.
I've left her like ten messages, but her phone's off.
She's at that arcade Kiddie Funland with her daughter.
Please.
Let me go to Kiddie Funland.
You can say that all you want, buddy,
but you're not getting any morphine.
No, I'm serious. I got to get out of here.
You're not going anywhere until we get the tests back.
You could have internal bleeding.
Your brain could be all full of blood.
Think that's good for it?
It ain't.
This sucks.
This sucks.
-This sucks. This sucks. -Are you...
are you kidding me?
You walked away from a car accident without a scratch.
A miracle took place today.
Oh, here we go.
You don't think this was a miracle?
There's no such thing as miracles.
March 2006, MacLaren's Bar.
That's terrible. Gentle.
That's in! Gentle.
Ow.Here we go.
Hey!
Bravo.
Cheers...
No... way.
That did not just happen.
Am I dead?
Am I dead?
Miracle!
A pencil went up Barney's nose,
and you call it a miracle.
Well, do you have a better explanation for it?
A drunk jackass with a box of pencils?
A drunk jackass called "God!"
And a box of pencils called "destiny!"
Speaking of Barney, I should give him a call.
Why? We're not friends anymore.
You'd want to know if this happened to him.
Go for Barney.
Hey, Barney.
Listen, I have something to tell you.
Oh, boy, here we go.
I've been waiting for this one.
You talked to Robin.
She told you what's under the hood
and you want to take it for a spin yourself.
Not even if you boiled it in detergent.
It's about Ted.
Ted?
My former best friend Ted
who I asked you never to mention to me again?
Yeah.
He's been in a car accident.
He's at Saint Anthony's hospital.
Everything's...
No, I understand.
You've got that important thing.
Okay.
Oh, of course
I'll tell him you love him.
Okay.
Suit up!
He is always saying stuff like that!
-He hung up, didn't he? -Yeah.
See, I told you.We're not friends anymore.
My best friend needs me!
What did he say?
Ah, a hundred and thir... What?
You...
I'm coming, Ted.
So, what made you change your mind about Stella?
Well, I was in the cab,and the car was coming at me,
and you know how they say that your whole life flashes
before your eyes in a near-death experience?
It doesn't.
You don't see everything.
Just the things you love.
I realized in that moment
that Stella is the most important thing in my life
and-and I have to get her back.
Miracle!
Very sweet.
Very romantic.
Not a miracle.
July 1999.
Kennedy Airport.
So, did you enjoy...
Amsterdam?
No.
Nothing illegal.
Paintings.
All right, Bob Marley.
Let's have a conversation.
Shift change.
Oh, Amsterdam.
All right.
Float on through, brother.
Miracle!
Don't you go into the light!
Don't you do it!
Hey, Mosby,
you got a visitor.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Can you guys,uh,give us a minute?
Stella, before you say anything...
I love you.
I love you, too.
Can we just forget about...
It's forgotten.
Is this your chart?
Okay.
Everything looks good.
I think you can handle it.
Handle what?
This morning he dumped her
and now she's dry-humping him on a hospital bed.
-Miracle! -Yeah,
you know, I bet if you call up the Vatican,
they will tell you that most of their certified miracles
involve dry-humping, so.
April 2008.
Lily's kindergarten classroom.
You're gonna go in there
and beg for your old job back?
That's crazy.
You hated it there.
I-I know, the job market is just really bad right now.
Hey, kids,
who wants Uncle Marshall to get his old job back?
They'll cheer for anything if you say it like that.
Kids, a super tanker
spilled five million gallons of oil
off the coast of Alaska this morning!
Hello, Marshall.
Mr. Hewitt,
I came here to apologize.
I'm going to go grab some more glue.
Will you watch them for a sec?
Of course.
Leaving Nicholson Hewitt,and West was a huge mistake,
and I can see that now.
So...
who wants to see the big guy
put on these tiny hats?
My behavior was disrespectful.
It was unprofessional.
I'm a pilgrim.
I know it looks like I have a tiny hat,
but in reality, I have an abnormally large head!
I was going through a stressful time.
I wasn't getting enough sleep.
Fourscore and seven years ago,
I had a great, big giant head!
I had just bought an apartment,
and there were some problems.
I-I don't want to bore you with the details.
I only regret that I have but one giant head
to give for my country.
Sir, if you could just see your way into giving me
-one more chance, I promise... -Marshall.
I'm willing to give this a second chance.
I remember my first years as an attorney.
Why, I don't know how many hours I spent.
I don't think I ever left...
<i>Oh, my God!
<i>I have lice.
<i>Those little bastardsgave me lice.
<i>God, it itches.
<i>Don't scratch it.
<i>You'll look like a fool.
<i>You'll never get your job back.
<i>Okay, you can scratch,but just make it subtle.
<i>Okay, that's not working.
<i>Oh, sweet, sharp cornerof the desk,
<i>how I long to rub my infested scalp against you.
I was, um... just, uh...
You okay, Eriksen?
Oh! Oh, yes, I'm good.
I am good.
Continue.
<i>Mind over matter.
<i>There are no lice in my hair...
<i>laying eggs,
<i>burrowing into my scalp,
<i>eating their way all the way down to my brain!
I have lice!
"Lice"?! Lice! Get out!
Get out of my office!
We've got lice!
Everybody out of the building.
If it weren't for the lice,
I would have gotten my job back,
and I would have been working there when,
<i>two weeks later,the Securitiesand Exchange Commission
<i>came a-knocking.
God sent those lice to my head
like he sent the locusts to Egypt:
to liberate me from corporate bondage.
Miracle.
Hey, guys.
Oh, I'm just so glad
-you and Ted are back together. -Yeah.
Wait, um, what do you mean "back together"?
Well, you know, since you guys broke up.
What? Oh, no.
It was just a small fight.
That wasn't a breakup.
Was that a breakup? Did he think that was a breakup?
What?
Son of a bitch!
That was a breakup. Wasn't it?
You broke up with me.
Yeah.
I didn't know that that was a breakup.
Are you kidding?
I-I said, "I feel awful."
You said, "We're good."
Then you got up and left.
Yeah, I said, "We're good,"
as in "We're good."
Like when the waiter comes around and asks
if you want any more muffins, and you say, "We're good."
Exactly, and I took that "We're good" to mean
you didn't want any more
metaphorical relationship muffins.
This is crazy.
Forget about all that.
That was a whole life-changing car accident ago.
I love you.
I don't want to break up.
But you did.
You did want to.
And if you had those feelings once,
then you're going to have those feelings again,
and you're going to keep on having them.
And I can't count on that car to hit you every time you do.
What are you saying?
I'm saying...
you wanted your breakup,
you got it.
What?! Stella, wait!
No, you know what, Ted?
We're good.
So you broke up with her and she didn't know it.
Apparently.
And you actually said, "I want to break up"?
No, of course not.
Who says "I want to break up"?
That's a horrible thing to say.
Well, that's true.
Hello?
Hi, Ted Mosby?
We have you listed as the emergency contact for Barney Stinson.
What is it?
What it was was this.
I made it. I made it!
Dude, I...
I can't believe you ran all the way up here.
Jeez. Flatter yourself much?
What an ego on this guy.
Um, I was up in this part of town
because I had to attend
a very important international business meeting.
If you're here to come crawling back, just save it.
I'm doing awesome without you.
Even better now,'cause I can play
the sympathy card with the females.
And BTW,
there's one bone downstairs that ain't broken.
Marshall,
you know what I'm talking about.
Up top!
Are you sure?
Yeah, dude. Why do you think I had them set it this way?
Okay.
Worth it.
Barney, you, uh...
You could've died.
Ted, I'm sorry I broke the bro code.
No, I'm-I'm sorry.
Ted, can we be friends again?
Barney, come on, we're... we're more than friends.
We're brothers.
You're my brother, Ted.
You're my brother, Barney.
Did you hear that, Marshall?
We're brothers now.
Marshall's my brother, too.
We're all brothers.
Yeah, but I'm your best brother, right?
And that's how your Uncle Barney
and I buried the hatchet.
It got pretty mushy and embarrassing after that.
<i>Let's skip ahead.
I had to look away because if I watched
what the paramedics were about to do,
I would have passed out.
Then they took out this
electric blade thing and I kept thinking,
"This isn't happening. This isn't happening."
Oh, my God. What did they cut?
My suit.
My beautiful suit.
But you're alive,and, and Ted's alive.
This is amazing!
Two miracles in one day.
What is the matter with you?
How can you possibly be this cynical?!
-You want to know? -Yeah.
-You really want to know? -Yeah!
Fine.
When I was a kid,
I had this dog, Sir Scratchawan.
Anyway, Sir Scratchawan got really old,
so my parents decided to put him down.
It was the toughest day of my young life.
Good-bye, Sir Scratchawan.
I love you.
And when they took him to the vet,
he told them that earlier that very day,
he had learned about an experimental procedure
called a canine/testudine cerebro-xenograft.
Ever heard of it?
No.
Well, it saved Sir Scratchawan's life.
He lived another seven years.
-Miracle. -Except for one...
kind of big side effect from the surgery.
Sir Scratchawan!
Welcome home!
He turned into a turtle.
I know. It's weird, right?
Apparently, a very common complication
from canine/testudine cerebro-xenografts.
And he didn't seem to remember any of his old tricks.
Go get it, Scratchy.
Go get it!
Go get it! Get it!
Go get it, Scratchy.
Go get it.
How long was it before...?
Longer than I'm proud of, Lily.
Longer than I'm proud of.
And that's when I realized
miracles ain't real.
Excuse me.
Mosby, you're still here?
Your tests came back, like, an hour ago. You're fine.
Are you kidding me?Why didn't you tell me?!
I'm sorry.
I guess it was rude of me to keep resuscitating that guy
with a rake sticking out of his chest.
Um, I have to go right now. Barney, I...
Go.
Run, Ted. Run.
If there's anything I've taught you over the years, it's...
Barney, he left.
Hey, Ted said that right before the accident,
his life flashed before his eyes.
You know, all the stuff he loves.
-Did that happen to you? -Oh, yeah.
-I know what he saw: boobs. -Scotch.
And money.
-Suits. -A suit of money.
A suit of boobs.
A giant boob wearing a suit of money.
And the boob is lactating scotch.
I guess that's pretty much everything you love, right?
Yeah, pretty much.
<i>i>Kids, a lotof weird, random things
<i>have happened in my life,
<i>but that car accident is one of the few
<i>I'd call a miracle,not because of what happened,
<i>but because of what happened next.
Can I talk to you?
Okay.
I got you this orange kangaroo.
Uh... thanks.
So I've been thinking about what changed
from the moment I broke up with you
to the moment I knew I wanted you back.
And, um, I think I finally figured out what happened.
Your cab got T-boned by a jackass on a cell phone?
No. I changed.
I'm ready to give you what you need.
That's why I spent
ten minutes on the damn claw machine
trying to get the big,fake diamond ring.
But all I could get was this orange kangaroo.
Diamond ring?
Will you marry me?
Showing posts with label season 3. Show all posts
Showing posts with label season 3. Show all posts
5/17/2011
How I Met Your Mother S03E19 - Everything Must Go
<i>Kids, in the spring of 2008,
<i>something kinda strange had been
happening to your Uncle Barney.
<i>He'd be doing
great with a woman...
So I throw the pressurized
oxygen tank in his mouth,
I shoot the tank, boom!
No more shark.
Mr. Holland and I
swim back to shore.
Let me freshen your drink.
<i>He'd only be gone a few moments,
but when he returned...
So where were we?
<i>...he'd get slapped.
<i>It kept happening.
<i>Until finally, Lily was approached
by a mysterious woman
<i>who warned her
to stay away from Barney.
<i>So when it happened once more...
Again?!
Really?! Wait...
<i>...Barney knew who to look for.
Hey, excuse me.
Did I sleep with you and
then totally screw you over?
No.
What are you doing on Friday?
Amy?
Abby.
Right.
Sync : MiniBen314
Proofreading : MiniBen314.
Transcript : Raceman
Resync : kabbage
<i>How I Met Your Mother
3x19 - Everything Must Go
<i>for the "Have You Met Team"
for www.forom.com
<i>Kids, sometimes you can do something
right a thousand times in a row...
A rainbow!
That's beautiful!
What a beautiful rainbow!
Another rainbow?
It's beautiful!
<i>But then, that
thousand-and-first time...
You're kidding me. Seriously,
aren't you sick of these things?
Hey, how was yo day?
Today, I yelled at a little girl
for painting a rainbow.
A rainbow? Sounds like
that bitch had it coming.
So, uh, I just met with the contractor.
And it turns out, that fixing
the floors of the new apartment
is going to cost a lot more
than the estimate.
But we can barely
afford that to begin with.
I hate to say this,
but I think you're going to have
to sell your stuff.
Whoa! Marshall, that's just a game
we play in the bedroom.
I mean your clothes. All those
designer pieces and everything.
What?
Why just my clothes?
We can sell my stuff, too,
but I got to tell you,
I think your Marc Jacobs cocktail dress
is going to go for a lot more than my
- "Split Happens" bowling shirt.
- Dude.
I'm not selling that.
- I've already made the Website.
- You made a Website?
Yeah, it's called "Lily-and-Marshall
-sell-their-stuff-dot-com."
No, you know what would be
a better name for the site?
Guy-forces-his-wife-to-dress-in-a-garbage
-bag-for-the-next-three-years-dot-com.
That's real.
Now I'm worried. That woman is actually
wearing a garbage bag.
Hmm, but, girlfriend,
you cannot pull off a tall kitchen.
Why are you trying
to ruin my life?
Well, you slept with me and
then you never called me again.
- And?
- That's it.
That's it?
As far as I'm concerned,
if I leave you safe on dry land
with adequate transportation home,
you've got nothing to complain about.
Well, it hurt, okay?
And then Ted, the love of my life,
started dating my boss instead of me.
Do you know how that feels?
Oh, boo-hoo, poor little Ashley.
- Abby!
- Abby.
A few weeks ago, Ted
dumped me as his wingman.
You had a crush on him
for a couple weeks?
I was Ted's best friend
for seven years.
- Ted said Marshall was his best friend.
- Seven years!
Sorry.
Ted.
What an idiot.
With his stupid "meaningful
relationship" with Stella.
- Ted.
- Ted.
- I hate Ted.
- I hate Ted more.
- Are you as turned on as I am?
- Probably not quite as much.
I'm sorry I yelled out "Ted."
I'm sorry I yelled out "Abby."
I am Abby.
Oh, cool.
This is insane.
Has Lily even worn
half this stuff?
Oh, yeah, like there's nothing in your
closet you've never worn?
As a matter of fact,
no, there isn't.
Whatever, red cowboy boots.
Those are nice boots.
I totally pull those off.
If I were to say
"Ted could never pull them off,"
- what would I be talking about?
- His red cowboy boots.
I totally pull them off!
It's a classic Western look.
Oh, okay, uh, today's category:
classic Westerns that involve
red cowboy boots.
Robin.
"The Good, the Bad,
and the Fabulous."
"The Magnificent Kevin."
"No Country for Straight Men."
I don't want to sell my clothes!
I know, sweetie.
Come here.
Is this a hundred percent silk?
Lily, listen,
we really need the money.
I have some leads on a job,
but until then, I just...
I don't know what else
we can do.
I'll sell my paintings!
What?
Yeah, I'll sell my paintings.
Good oil paintings go for like, $500.
Yeah.
Totally.
But...
<i>Kids, sometimes you can do something
right a thousand times in a row...
I love it.
It's a masterpiece.
That's it.
We're selling the TV.
I just want to come home
and stare at this all day.
Somebody call the cops!
My wife stole an awesome painting
from the museum!
<i>But then, that
thousand-and-first time...
...that kind of money
only goes for real paintings.
What does that mean?
Look, it just means that we need money
right now and I'm not sure that
selling your paintings
is how we're going to get it.
You don't believe in me.
No, wait, wait!
Of c...
of course I believe in you!
Marshall, I am proud
of my work as an artist.
My paintings are good.
I bet Robin would buy one.
What now?
I love your painting, I just...
I'm trying to be realistic.
Well, how much money do we need
for the contractor to finish the job?
About 1,500 bucks.
So, if I can sell three of my paintings
at 500 bucks a pop, then
I get to keep all my clothes.
- We need money fast.
- Well, give me a week.
Okay, a week.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Fine.
Pulling. Them. Off.
<i>Lily's first move in the great
art challenge of 2008
<i>was to display one of her favorite
paintings at her friend's gallery.
<i>The night didn't go so well.
<i>But then at the last minute...
- I love it.
- You do?
Your top. It's gorgeous.
Is that 100% silk?
It's not for sale!
My clothes are not for sale!
<i>So the next day, Lily took
her painting to a coffee house
<i>that displayed local artists.
We've been sitting here for hours and
nobody's even glanced at my painting.
Come on.
Let's start talking it up.
I really like that painting!
It's neat!
The-the colors are neat.
The-the shapes are neat.
It's really just...
neat.
What?
Observe.
I think there's a dynamic quality
to the brushwork that,
combined with the fluid composition,
creates an almost
Kandinsky-like emotional resonance.
Yes, and you can still enjoy it
even if you're not a pretentious douche.
Can you clarify something
for me about your critique?
Are the colors "neat" or
are they more "neato burrito?"
Uh, then again,
red cowboy boots.
I pull these off!
I pull these off!
You know what
I hate most about Ted?
What?
His stupid hair.
His stupid, lame awesome hair.
It's so stupid and awesome.
You know what
I hate most about Ted?
What?
How he's always like, "Oh, I want to
fall in love and have a relationship.
I care about the people I have
sex with." He's so lame.
He's so lame and awesome.
You know what he needs?
He needs to see just how horrible
he is when he's in a relationship.
Yeah, and I need to show Ted
that I'm over him.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
I think so.
You're thinking
of having sex with Ted?
<i>After four days without selling a single
painting, Lily was getting desperate.
Painting for sale!
$500!
Lifelong dream
hanging in the balance!
It's like they don't even see us.
Yeah, we're dirt to them.
What do you need money for?
Oh, I'm trying to fix the hardwood
floors in my new apartment.
You?
Heroin.
- Do you like heroin?
- Love it.
If you sell that, I'm going to take
your money and go buy some more heroin.
Thanks for your honesty,
Crazy Sock Guy.
- Oh, I'm never gonna sell this...
- It's not very good.
<i>And just as she was about
to lose all hope,
<i>something amazing happened.
Oh, my God!
500 bucks! Who's a real
painter now, Marshall?
Honey, I never said
you weren't a real painter.
I know, sweetie.
And since I'm a
professional artist now,
I'm going to sketch you
an Aldrin original,
you know, to say thanks for being
such a supportive husband.
I'm thinking about calling it...
"Suck It!"
Lily, come on. I'm proud of you.
Who-who bought it?
Well, that's the best part.
A gay couple without kids.
A G-CWOK!
- You bagged a G-CWOK?!
- Yeah, that's right.
They are the heart and soul
of the art-buying community.
You know what you should do?
You should call up the G-CWOKs
and offer them a free painting
if they throw a private art party
for all their G-CWOK friends.
That's an amazing idea.
I'm going to go call them.
I can probably sell two more
paintings with time to spare.
Oh, wait, Marshall. There was something
I had to tell you. What was it?
Oh, that's right.
Suck it.
Hey.
Ted, fancy bumping
into you here.
Have you guys met
my girlfriend Abby?
- Uh, yeah. Hi, Abby. So...
- Hello, Abby.
So you guys are dating now?
That's right.
I am done with this
whole being awesome thing.
Now I'm all about
farmers' markets and
day hikes in matching khaki cargo
shorts. Isn't that right, sweetie?
That's right.
And girlfriends are lame.
Unless they're me.
I miss you, Ted.
Abby and I are in love.
Not hot passionate love.
Couple love.
You know, movie night
with my girlfriend,
then waiting for her
to go to bed
so I can steal one pitiful moment
of hollow ecstasy
by the cold, blue light
of my computer monitor.
We're showing Ted
how lame he is.
You don't have to say it, though.
Uh, okay, Barney,
you can stop.
Stop what, Ted?
Stop being in love?
Next he'll ask us to stop breathing.
We can't stop breathing, Ted.
Your hair looks amazing.
Barney, I, I see what you're doing.
Please stop.
Not before I share with you what
being in a relationship leads to, Ted.
Abby, Pookie Bear...
I am so pathetically
desperate for you, that...
aw, heck, I'll just say it.
- Will you marry me?
- Wait, really?
I would never joke about true love.
- Yes, I'll marry you.
- Okay.
Thank you, thank you.
I have to call my mom.
That's you.
Uh, yeah, I don't think
Abby knows you're kidding.
Uh, yes, she does.
It finally happened, Mama.
I just wish Daddy were alive
to walk me down the aisle.
Totally committed to the bit.
Yes, Lily Aldrin.
I sold you the painting earlier today.
Oh, honey, hello.
You sound happy.
Are you kidding? We're popping
the champagne right now.
Well, I just wanted to offer you
an exclusive chance
to view some of my other paintings.
Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, oh,
I guess I should have told you.
We just bought that for the frame.
What?
Yeah, it's an original
Anton Kreutzer,
a very rare frame
from the turn of the century.
So... you didn't like my painting?
Oh, honey, oh, sweetie,
no, not at all.
But you know,
good for you.
Well, if you didn't want
the painting, can I...
can I at least get it back?
Yeah, no,
we don't have it anymore.
Where is it?
I see.
H-He threw out my painting.
Champagne for everyone,
on me,
the happiest guy in the world.
Ginger ale.
It's a bit.
This is great.
My dream of becoming
an artist is dead,
and now I'm watching my wardrobe
disappear piece by piece.
There goes my favorite dress.
This dress meant a lot to me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It was spring of 2004 and
I had been having a hard few months.
Day-am.
I got a two-syllable "damn"
in this dress.
A two-syllable "damn."
- That's the dream.
- Yeah.
Now she belongs to...
CanadaGirl@MetroNewsOne.com.
It's still in the family.
Lily, you're not going to believe this.
- Something amazing happened.
- What?
I went to the G-CWOK's apartment.
Really? Why?
Because I felt guilty.
This auction was my idea and now
you've had to sit around all day
while a bunch of vultures ruthlessly
ick apart the carcass of your wardrobe.
It's still in the family.
And more importantly,
I honestly love that painting and
I couldn't stand to think of it
in a trashcan someplace.
Well, what happened?
Well, hello.
Hi, um... Lawrence. I'm here about
the painting my wife Lily sold you...
the one in the nice frame.
Talk about a nice frame.
My, my, you are a big one, aren't you?
And you're married to that little bit
of a thing. How does that work?
I'd like to find out.
Yeah, we get it.
Gay guys like you.
No, Lily,
they love me,
but that's not the important part.
Here's the important part.
Since you're clearly a man
of impeccable taste and style,
I came down here to ask you:
what do you think of the boots?
Boots.
Pulling. Them. Off.
I'll be in the cab.
G-CWOK-approved.
The painting.
Right, so, um, they told me they
threw it in the building's Dumpster.
<i>It wasn't in there, but the super
told me that he'd seen one Dr. Greer,
<i>a veterinarian who
works in the building,
<i>take the painting out of the trash.
Dr. Greer? Who's Dr. Greer and
why did he take my painting?
You're about to find out.
Long story short,
I had to make a trash run.
Been a busy day...
lots of neuterings.
Ooh, we don't need the details.
Oh, no no no,
it's not what you think.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, mostly
just dog testicles. Anyway...
<i>I noticed your painting
<i>just sitting right there on top
and I thought, "Hey, free painting,"
<i>so I brought it upstairs and
hung it up in Exam Room 3,
<i>and then the strangest
thing happened.
Hey, Muffin.
Whoa, I think he remembers me
from the last time he was here.
Take Muffin to Exam Room 3.
I'll meet you there.
<i>I went in, expecting the worst.
<i>I'd never seen Muffin that calm,
<i>and then a little later the same thing
happened again with Tidbit...
<i>and King Larry...
<i>and again
with the Weinstein triplets.
Something about your art
speaks to the canine sensibility
on a very primal level.
- Really? Dogs like my paintings?
- Yeah.
But you know who it bums out?
Birds.
Had a parrot in there today.
He took one look at it,
pried open his cage,
flew right into the ceiling fan.
Anyway, because your first
painting worked so well,
I convinced Dr. Greer
to buy four more.
- Really?
- At $500 apiece.
That's two grand. That's more
than we need for the contractor.
Yeah, but I was actually
thinking we could reinvest it.
- In what?
- In you.
<i>Marshall explained that
he was building a fancy new Web site
<i>specifically to sell
Lily's artwork to veterinarians.
Well, it's not exactly
the clientele I had in mind, but...
thank you for believing in me.
Man,
birds do not get you.
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, I think I left my tie here.
Have you seen it?
No, I'm in wedding-planning mode.
Stressville. Population: me.
Okay, big decision.
What do you think the cake should be:
Fudgie the Whale or Cookie Puss?
Yeah, that was a bit.
We were doing a bit.
So I'm thinking Labor Day.
I was going to say Fourth of July,
but I don't want to steal
any attention away from America.
Abby, I've...
I've got some bad news.
- I can't marry you.
- What?
Ted begged me not to.
I think he's in love with you.
- Really?
- Yes, our plan worked,
better than we ever dreamed.
You have to go to him.
Here's his home address.
But you know what? He works late,
so I wouldn't go before
2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.
Oh, my God, thank you.
But now I feel wrong keeping this.
Oh, yeah, I wouldn't worry about that.
That's made of candy.
Later.
<i>something kinda strange had been
happening to your Uncle Barney.
<i>He'd be doing
great with a woman...
So I throw the pressurized
oxygen tank in his mouth,
I shoot the tank, boom!
No more shark.
Mr. Holland and I
swim back to shore.
Let me freshen your drink.
<i>He'd only be gone a few moments,
but when he returned...
So where were we?
<i>...he'd get slapped.
<i>It kept happening.
<i>Until finally, Lily was approached
by a mysterious woman
<i>who warned her
to stay away from Barney.
<i>So when it happened once more...
Again?!
Really?! Wait...
<i>...Barney knew who to look for.
Hey, excuse me.
Did I sleep with you and
then totally screw you over?
No.
What are you doing on Friday?
Amy?
Abby.
Right.
Sync : MiniBen314
Proofreading : MiniBen314.
Transcript : Raceman
Resync : kabbage
<i>How I Met Your Mother
3x19 - Everything Must Go
<i>for the "Have You Met Team"
for www.forom.com
<i>Kids, sometimes you can do something
right a thousand times in a row...
A rainbow!
That's beautiful!
What a beautiful rainbow!
Another rainbow?
It's beautiful!
<i>But then, that
thousand-and-first time...
You're kidding me. Seriously,
aren't you sick of these things?
Hey, how was yo day?
Today, I yelled at a little girl
for painting a rainbow.
A rainbow? Sounds like
that bitch had it coming.
So, uh, I just met with the contractor.
And it turns out, that fixing
the floors of the new apartment
is going to cost a lot more
than the estimate.
But we can barely
afford that to begin with.
I hate to say this,
but I think you're going to have
to sell your stuff.
Whoa! Marshall, that's just a game
we play in the bedroom.
I mean your clothes. All those
designer pieces and everything.
What?
Why just my clothes?
We can sell my stuff, too,
but I got to tell you,
I think your Marc Jacobs cocktail dress
is going to go for a lot more than my
- "Split Happens" bowling shirt.
- Dude.
I'm not selling that.
- I've already made the Website.
- You made a Website?
Yeah, it's called "Lily-and-Marshall
-sell-their-stuff-dot-com."
No, you know what would be
a better name for the site?
Guy-forces-his-wife-to-dress-in-a-garbage
-bag-for-the-next-three-years-dot-com.
That's real.
Now I'm worried. That woman is actually
wearing a garbage bag.
Hmm, but, girlfriend,
you cannot pull off a tall kitchen.
Why are you trying
to ruin my life?
Well, you slept with me and
then you never called me again.
- And?
- That's it.
That's it?
As far as I'm concerned,
if I leave you safe on dry land
with adequate transportation home,
you've got nothing to complain about.
Well, it hurt, okay?
And then Ted, the love of my life,
started dating my boss instead of me.
Do you know how that feels?
Oh, boo-hoo, poor little Ashley.
- Abby!
- Abby.
A few weeks ago, Ted
dumped me as his wingman.
You had a crush on him
for a couple weeks?
I was Ted's best friend
for seven years.
- Ted said Marshall was his best friend.
- Seven years!
Sorry.
Ted.
What an idiot.
With his stupid "meaningful
relationship" with Stella.
- Ted.
- Ted.
- I hate Ted.
- I hate Ted more.
- Are you as turned on as I am?
- Probably not quite as much.
I'm sorry I yelled out "Ted."
I'm sorry I yelled out "Abby."
I am Abby.
Oh, cool.
This is insane.
Has Lily even worn
half this stuff?
Oh, yeah, like there's nothing in your
closet you've never worn?
As a matter of fact,
no, there isn't.
Whatever, red cowboy boots.
Those are nice boots.
I totally pull those off.
If I were to say
"Ted could never pull them off,"
- what would I be talking about?
- His red cowboy boots.
I totally pull them off!
It's a classic Western look.
Oh, okay, uh, today's category:
classic Westerns that involve
red cowboy boots.
Robin.
"The Good, the Bad,
and the Fabulous."
"The Magnificent Kevin."
"No Country for Straight Men."
I don't want to sell my clothes!
I know, sweetie.
Come here.
Is this a hundred percent silk?
Lily, listen,
we really need the money.
I have some leads on a job,
but until then, I just...
I don't know what else
we can do.
I'll sell my paintings!
What?
Yeah, I'll sell my paintings.
Good oil paintings go for like, $500.
Yeah.
Totally.
But...
<i>Kids, sometimes you can do something
right a thousand times in a row...
I love it.
It's a masterpiece.
That's it.
We're selling the TV.
I just want to come home
and stare at this all day.
Somebody call the cops!
My wife stole an awesome painting
from the museum!
<i>But then, that
thousand-and-first time...
...that kind of money
only goes for real paintings.
What does that mean?
Look, it just means that we need money
right now and I'm not sure that
selling your paintings
is how we're going to get it.
You don't believe in me.
No, wait, wait!
Of c...
of course I believe in you!
Marshall, I am proud
of my work as an artist.
My paintings are good.
I bet Robin would buy one.
What now?
I love your painting, I just...
I'm trying to be realistic.
Well, how much money do we need
for the contractor to finish the job?
About 1,500 bucks.
So, if I can sell three of my paintings
at 500 bucks a pop, then
I get to keep all my clothes.
- We need money fast.
- Well, give me a week.
Okay, a week.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Fine.
Pulling. Them. Off.
<i>Lily's first move in the great
art challenge of 2008
<i>was to display one of her favorite
paintings at her friend's gallery.
<i>The night didn't go so well.
<i>But then at the last minute...
- I love it.
- You do?
Your top. It's gorgeous.
Is that 100% silk?
It's not for sale!
My clothes are not for sale!
<i>So the next day, Lily took
her painting to a coffee house
<i>that displayed local artists.
We've been sitting here for hours and
nobody's even glanced at my painting.
Come on.
Let's start talking it up.
I really like that painting!
It's neat!
The-the colors are neat.
The-the shapes are neat.
It's really just...
neat.
What?
Observe.
I think there's a dynamic quality
to the brushwork that,
combined with the fluid composition,
creates an almost
Kandinsky-like emotional resonance.
Yes, and you can still enjoy it
even if you're not a pretentious douche.
Can you clarify something
for me about your critique?
Are the colors "neat" or
are they more "neato burrito?"
Uh, then again,
red cowboy boots.
I pull these off!
I pull these off!
You know what
I hate most about Ted?
What?
His stupid hair.
His stupid, lame awesome hair.
It's so stupid and awesome.
You know what
I hate most about Ted?
What?
How he's always like, "Oh, I want to
fall in love and have a relationship.
I care about the people I have
sex with." He's so lame.
He's so lame and awesome.
You know what he needs?
He needs to see just how horrible
he is when he's in a relationship.
Yeah, and I need to show Ted
that I'm over him.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
I think so.
You're thinking
of having sex with Ted?
<i>After four days without selling a single
painting, Lily was getting desperate.
Painting for sale!
$500!
Lifelong dream
hanging in the balance!
It's like they don't even see us.
Yeah, we're dirt to them.
What do you need money for?
Oh, I'm trying to fix the hardwood
floors in my new apartment.
You?
Heroin.
- Do you like heroin?
- Love it.
If you sell that, I'm going to take
your money and go buy some more heroin.
Thanks for your honesty,
Crazy Sock Guy.
- Oh, I'm never gonna sell this...
- It's not very good.
<i>And just as she was about
to lose all hope,
<i>something amazing happened.
Oh, my God!
500 bucks! Who's a real
painter now, Marshall?
Honey, I never said
you weren't a real painter.
I know, sweetie.
And since I'm a
professional artist now,
I'm going to sketch you
an Aldrin original,
you know, to say thanks for being
such a supportive husband.
I'm thinking about calling it...
"Suck It!"
Lily, come on. I'm proud of you.
Who-who bought it?
Well, that's the best part.
A gay couple without kids.
A G-CWOK!
- You bagged a G-CWOK?!
- Yeah, that's right.
They are the heart and soul
of the art-buying community.
You know what you should do?
You should call up the G-CWOKs
and offer them a free painting
if they throw a private art party
for all their G-CWOK friends.
That's an amazing idea.
I'm going to go call them.
I can probably sell two more
paintings with time to spare.
Oh, wait, Marshall. There was something
I had to tell you. What was it?
Oh, that's right.
Suck it.
Hey.
Ted, fancy bumping
into you here.
Have you guys met
my girlfriend Abby?
- Uh, yeah. Hi, Abby. So...
- Hello, Abby.
So you guys are dating now?
That's right.
I am done with this
whole being awesome thing.
Now I'm all about
farmers' markets and
day hikes in matching khaki cargo
shorts. Isn't that right, sweetie?
That's right.
And girlfriends are lame.
Unless they're me.
I miss you, Ted.
Abby and I are in love.
Not hot passionate love.
Couple love.
You know, movie night
with my girlfriend,
then waiting for her
to go to bed
so I can steal one pitiful moment
of hollow ecstasy
by the cold, blue light
of my computer monitor.
We're showing Ted
how lame he is.
You don't have to say it, though.
Uh, okay, Barney,
you can stop.
Stop what, Ted?
Stop being in love?
Next he'll ask us to stop breathing.
We can't stop breathing, Ted.
Your hair looks amazing.
Barney, I, I see what you're doing.
Please stop.
Not before I share with you what
being in a relationship leads to, Ted.
Abby, Pookie Bear...
I am so pathetically
desperate for you, that...
aw, heck, I'll just say it.
- Will you marry me?
- Wait, really?
I would never joke about true love.
- Yes, I'll marry you.
- Okay.
Thank you, thank you.
I have to call my mom.
That's you.
Uh, yeah, I don't think
Abby knows you're kidding.
Uh, yes, she does.
It finally happened, Mama.
I just wish Daddy were alive
to walk me down the aisle.
Totally committed to the bit.
Yes, Lily Aldrin.
I sold you the painting earlier today.
Oh, honey, hello.
You sound happy.
Are you kidding? We're popping
the champagne right now.
Well, I just wanted to offer you
an exclusive chance
to view some of my other paintings.
Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, oh,
I guess I should have told you.
We just bought that for the frame.
What?
Yeah, it's an original
Anton Kreutzer,
a very rare frame
from the turn of the century.
So... you didn't like my painting?
Oh, honey, oh, sweetie,
no, not at all.
But you know,
good for you.
Well, if you didn't want
the painting, can I...
can I at least get it back?
Yeah, no,
we don't have it anymore.
Where is it?
I see.
H-He threw out my painting.
Champagne for everyone,
on me,
the happiest guy in the world.
Ginger ale.
It's a bit.
This is great.
My dream of becoming
an artist is dead,
and now I'm watching my wardrobe
disappear piece by piece.
There goes my favorite dress.
This dress meant a lot to me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It was spring of 2004 and
I had been having a hard few months.
Day-am.
I got a two-syllable "damn"
in this dress.
A two-syllable "damn."
- That's the dream.
- Yeah.
Now she belongs to...
CanadaGirl@MetroNewsOne.com.
It's still in the family.
Lily, you're not going to believe this.
- Something amazing happened.
- What?
I went to the G-CWOK's apartment.
Really? Why?
Because I felt guilty.
This auction was my idea and now
you've had to sit around all day
while a bunch of vultures ruthlessly
ick apart the carcass of your wardrobe.
It's still in the family.
And more importantly,
I honestly love that painting and
I couldn't stand to think of it
in a trashcan someplace.
Well, what happened?
Well, hello.
Hi, um... Lawrence. I'm here about
the painting my wife Lily sold you...
the one in the nice frame.
Talk about a nice frame.
My, my, you are a big one, aren't you?
And you're married to that little bit
of a thing. How does that work?
I'd like to find out.
Yeah, we get it.
Gay guys like you.
No, Lily,
they love me,
but that's not the important part.
Here's the important part.
Since you're clearly a man
of impeccable taste and style,
I came down here to ask you:
what do you think of the boots?
Boots.
Pulling. Them. Off.
I'll be in the cab.
G-CWOK-approved.
The painting.
Right, so, um, they told me they
threw it in the building's Dumpster.
<i>It wasn't in there, but the super
told me that he'd seen one Dr. Greer,
<i>a veterinarian who
works in the building,
<i>take the painting out of the trash.
Dr. Greer? Who's Dr. Greer and
why did he take my painting?
You're about to find out.
Long story short,
I had to make a trash run.
Been a busy day...
lots of neuterings.
Ooh, we don't need the details.
Oh, no no no,
it's not what you think.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, mostly
just dog testicles. Anyway...
<i>I noticed your painting
<i>just sitting right there on top
and I thought, "Hey, free painting,"
<i>so I brought it upstairs and
hung it up in Exam Room 3,
<i>and then the strangest
thing happened.
Hey, Muffin.
Whoa, I think he remembers me
from the last time he was here.
Take Muffin to Exam Room 3.
I'll meet you there.
<i>I went in, expecting the worst.
<i>I'd never seen Muffin that calm,
<i>and then a little later the same thing
happened again with Tidbit...
<i>and King Larry...
<i>and again
with the Weinstein triplets.
Something about your art
speaks to the canine sensibility
on a very primal level.
- Really? Dogs like my paintings?
- Yeah.
But you know who it bums out?
Birds.
Had a parrot in there today.
He took one look at it,
pried open his cage,
flew right into the ceiling fan.
Anyway, because your first
painting worked so well,
I convinced Dr. Greer
to buy four more.
- Really?
- At $500 apiece.
That's two grand. That's more
than we need for the contractor.
Yeah, but I was actually
thinking we could reinvest it.
- In what?
- In you.
<i>Marshall explained that
he was building a fancy new Web site
<i>specifically to sell
Lily's artwork to veterinarians.
Well, it's not exactly
the clientele I had in mind, but...
thank you for believing in me.
Man,
birds do not get you.
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, I think I left my tie here.
Have you seen it?
No, I'm in wedding-planning mode.
Stressville. Population: me.
Okay, big decision.
What do you think the cake should be:
Fudgie the Whale or Cookie Puss?
Yeah, that was a bit.
We were doing a bit.
So I'm thinking Labor Day.
I was going to say Fourth of July,
but I don't want to steal
any attention away from America.
Abby, I've...
I've got some bad news.
- I can't marry you.
- What?
Ted begged me not to.
I think he's in love with you.
- Really?
- Yes, our plan worked,
better than we ever dreamed.
You have to go to him.
Here's his home address.
But you know what? He works late,
so I wouldn't go before
2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.
Oh, my God, thank you.
But now I feel wrong keeping this.
Oh, yeah, I wouldn't worry about that.
That's made of candy.
Later.
How I Met Your Mother S03E18 - Rebound Bro
<i>Now, kids, the spring of 2008 was a
complicated time in your old man's life.
<i>The last time I had seen Barney
was shortly after I found out
<i>he had spent
the night with Robin.
Are you saying you don't want
to be bros anymore?
I'm saying I don't want
to be friends anymore.
It's Barney.
Dude, seriously,
you need to stop calling me.
Ted, I'm sorry
I haven't returned your calls.
Yeah, I never called you.
You called me 15 times
and my parents twice.
I'm sorry.
I gotta let you go.
There's just too many
good wingmen out there.
Ted, are you crying?
No, I'm not.
Let it out. Let it out.
Good-bye, Barney.
So, are you two
back together?
I miss Barney.
I haven't high-fived anyone
in like a week.
I think I might be starting to lose
my fist bump callus.
Let me ask you something, Ted.
Why are you so much madder
at Barney than me?
Yeah, she had just as much sex
with Barney as Barney had with her.
You know what?
I'm not sure that's true.
And I think I'd actually prefer it if
you were mad at me; this is too weird.
I'm not mad at anybody.
I've forgiven you, and I've outgrown
Barney as a friend. It's that simple.
I'll tell you why he's not mad.
It's 'cause he's so happy
with Stella.
<i>She was right.
<i>Stella and I had been dating
for two months,
<i>and things were
going really well.
<i>She had met my friends
and passed with flying colors.
<i>There was just
one little problem.
You guys haven't had sex yet?!
When Marshall and I were
two months in, we were doing it 24/7.
I know, I was in the top bunk.
I also sat next to you guys
at football games.
So what are you guys waiting for?
I think she wants to make sure
we're serious first.
That's why she hasn't introduced me
to her daughter, either.
She wants to take things slow.
Wait...
so you haven't had sex
since, like...
Thanksgiving.
Do you know how many big federal
holidays have come and gone since then?
Ooh, baby, do you remember
Martin Luther King Day?
Yeah, I do.
We honored that dude big time.
Look, I'm crazy about this girl,
and if waiting is what it takes,
then I am fine with that.
On a totally unrelated note,
does anybody have any gum
or ice or a piece of bark
they're not chewing?
Hey, Barney,
new SkyMall came in.
So, uh...
Word around the blogosphere is
that you're looking for a new wingman.
I want to let you know
I am available.
Just say the word,
or don't even say the word.
Just do something
with your eyebrow.
Was that it?
No offense, Randy, but there's
a long list of candidates for this slot.
This slot is
Vice President of Awesome,
and you're, like,
Assistant Undersecretary
of Only Okay.
"Assistant Undersecretary
of Only Okay."
Thank you.
I won't let you down.
<i>So Uncle Barney began the search
for a new wingman.
Pete!
Barney Stinson.
Hey, I've been meaning to call you.
It's been a while.
Yeah, yeah, so listen. You should
meet me at MacLaren's tonight.
You're never gonna believe this:
I'm at the hospital.
Just had a baby daughter.
So what do you think,
9:30, 10:00?
Stapleton!
Barney Stinson.
What up, chief?
Need a new bro.
What do you say?
Dude, I'd love to, but right now
I'm bros with Doug Stein.
Oh, I understand.
Doug Stein's a good bro.
I'm happy for you.
Best of luck.
Crazy Willie!
Barney Stinson.
What up, B-Dog? Long time, no bro.
So we gonna tear it up tonight or what?
Yes, finally!
Here's what's on
the rock-it docket.
My wife and I put
the cheese out at 7:00,
Cranium at 8:00,
9:00 p.m. we watch 27 Dresses.
Everybody's home by 11:00.
Boo-yah!
Hello?
Hanging up on you
once wasn't enough.
So I lanced this thing
on this guy's back,
and I'll be honest with you,
I didn't even know what it was,
and then it exploded
like a volcano.
Pus everywhere.
Let's have sex.
Right now. I'll lock the door.
Oh, there's no lock on that door.
We can do it against the door.
It'll be hot!
It'll be like a three-way:
you, me, and the door.
Yeah, but then it's just gonna be weird
between me and the door tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
We're waiting.
It's cool.
You've been so patient, Ted.
The truth is...
I'm kind of nervous.
I have a confession to make.
I was afraid of this.
You're 14.
No, um...
It's kind of embarrassing,
but it's
a while since
I was intimate with anyone.
Wow, it's funny that you say that.
- Me, too.
- Really?
How long's it been for you?
It's been a while.
Tell me.
Me, too!
It's been five months for you, too?
Five years?!
Sync : MiniBen314
Proofreading : MiniBen314
Transcript : Raceman
Resync : kabbage
<i>How I Met Your Mother
3x18 - Rebound Bro
<i>for the "Have You Met Team"
for www.forom.com
Wow. Stella hasn't
had sex since 2003.
Let's put this in context.
The last time Stella had sex,
the movie, Seabiscuit,
had just galloped into theaters...
and our hearts.
Five years?
God, if I even went one year,
I would be out on the street
selling it for a nickel.
The last time Stella had sex,
the world was just
learning about SARS.
Well, Ted, what else did she say? Did
she give you any kind of explanation?
Look, after Lucy was born,
I dated a little,
but it was hard to find a guy
I could trust enough.
Sooner or later, every one of them
gave me a reason not to.
But nobody in five years?
Look, Ted, guys regret
the girls they didn't sleep with.
Girls regret the guys
they do sleep with.
And for the past five years,
I've had no regrets.
Ted, you're staring at
my boobs.
In my defense,
they were staring at me.
So what does this mean for you?
Is she ever gonna want to get intimate?
Actually...
But the truth is, I really do
want to do this with you.
I don't think I'd regret it at all.
Your pillow talk's a little rusty.
You know what I mean, Ted.
I'm ready.
That's great.
Like, "right now" ready?
So her sister's driving up
to baby-sit Lucy,
and we're getting a hotel room
in the city Saturday night.
The last time Stella had sex,
The Da Vinci Code
had just come out.
Well, that doesn't seem
like that long ago.
Not the movie, the book.
It's a lot of pressure, isn't it?
You know what?
It's not.
This woman needs it bad. Anything
you do is going to be fireworks.
I remember my longest drought...
<i>It was that summer
I lived in San Francisco.
<i>I hadn't had been with Marshall
in two months and 19 days.
Oh, San Francisco.
I don't know, Lily, after five years, her
expectations have gotta be pretty high.
Notable deaths in 2003...
Oh, my God...
Nell Carter.
Did you guys know that
Nell Carter had died?
I'm really gonna have to bring
my A-game to satisfy this woman.
Yeah, it'll be pretty hard
now that she's dead.
Not Nell Carter,
Stella.
Dude, relax.
It's all about expectations management.
Do you know why I hated
Jerry Maguire so much?
Because you're dead inside?
No, because you built it up
for, like, two weeks,
saying it was
the greatest movie ever.
With Stella, do the opposite:
lower expectations.
Right, right, and then no matter
what happens, she'll be happy.
Hey, buddy.
I'm married, Barney.
I cannot be your new wingman.
No.
Hey, Randy.
Could you come in here for a minute?
Good news.
I'm calling you up to the majors.
Starting tomorrow night,
how would you like to be
my new wingman?
Just need to check my calendar.
Be right back.
Tomorrow works.
I have a surprise appetizer
for us today. Check it out.
Potato skins.
- Fancy.
- Yeah, right?
God, it's been forever
since I had potato skins.
I remember them as being pretty much
the most delicious things ever.
That's surprising.
- What?
- This potato skin.
It's good, but not nearly as good
as I'd built it up to be in my head.
Even though this potato skin
performed admirably,
and is a totally respectable size...
I couldn't enjoy it because
of my own unrealistic expectations.
Ted, I see what you're doing.
You're trying to lower
my expectations for tonight.
- Is this a length thing?
- No.
- Quick on the draw?
- No.
- Unexpected number of testicles?
- No!
It's just that
this is a big deal for you.
I mean, it's like
Your Virginity: The Sequel.
Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo?
Exactly, and I don't want
to mess it up.
I don't want you to ever
wonder if I was worth it.
Ted, of course it's gonna be worth it.
Stop worrying.
It's you and me.
It already has everything it needs.
"Unexpected number of testicles?"
It happens.
I knew a guy in med school...
We used to joke that he was one ball
away from getting walked.
What up, Bro-seph Lieberman?
No, uh-uh. Randy,
we never use the word "bro"
in the name of a failed Democratic
vice presidential candidate.
Good-bye, "Geraldine Ferrar-bro."
You know what?
I'm excited about this, Randy.
You will be my next masterpiece.
It's like with Ted.
When I first met him,
he was an even bigger loser than you.
What a loser.
But tonight, I am going to make you
the greatest wingman
in the history of wingmen.
Oh, it's gonna be easier
than you think, bro.
Yeah, I've been reading
your blog for years.
You are like a God to me.
That's why tonight
is going to be legendary...
wait for it...
dary.
Okay, Randy, let's do this.
- You ready?
- Yes.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- What? What's the matter?
Nothing.
Let's do this.
No, no, no, no, no, please, please,
please. Just wait. Just wait.
- Just wait. Just wait!
- Randy, what are you doing?
Dripping with game,
that's what I'm doing.
Okay, let's go.
No. Yes. No!
Randy, listen to me:
you can do this, okay?
Oh, I don't know.
Are those girls really that hot?
Yeah, they're hot.
Let's do this. Okay!
Hey, ladies.
Have you met...
- Hey.
- Hey!
So, here's the plan.
Take a horse-drawn carriage through
the park, and it just so happens
the Philharmonic is playing
an open-air...
Ted.
Five years.
- Straight to the hotel?
- Straight to the hotel.
I'll get my bag.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Hey.
So, uh,
looking forward to tonight?
Yeah. Definitely. It's been such
a long time since I've had a night out.
Yeah, we heard.
I would explode if it had been that
long since I had a "night out."
This one wakes me up
at 4:00 a.m. sometimes
just to have a little "night out."
Um, what are you guys
talking about?
Nothing. Pizza.
What are you talking about?
Hey, guys.
Ted, you told them, didn't you?
Told them what?
You told them that
I haven't had sex in five years.
You haven't had sex in five years?!
That is a shocking revelation that
we're just finding out about right now.
Stella, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have told them.
But they're my best friends.
I tell them everything.
I didn't even think about it.
Ted, that was so personal.
- Now your friends think I'm a freak.
- No, they don't.
Look, I realize it's weird, okay?
Not many people go
five years without having sex.
13 years?!
I peaked really young.
That's why it was difficult
for me to tell you.
But I did tell you because
I thought that I could trust you.
You can trust me.
Obviously, I can't.
You know, there's always a reason
not to sleep with a guy, and
you just gave me yours.
Wait, did I give you a reason,
or were you looking for one?
Why would I be looking for one?
Because things are getting
serious between us,
and that scares you.
Good night, Ted.
Okay, Randy,
now, tell me,
without looking at your hand,
what are the three beginner techniques
for picking up a woman at a bar?
Isolate her from her friends;
repeat her name in conversation;
subtly put her down.
Excellent.
Now...
let's put those to use.
I'm right behind you.
Hi, I'm Randy.
What's your name?
- Haley.
- Haley.
Haley, that's a pretty name, Haley.
Haley...
come here, Haley.
Okay.
Haley, you are a fat ugly whore.
I'm sorry, Barney.
So you got a drink thrown in your face.
Happens to me all the time.
Pretty soon you'll be able
to anticipate it,
and when you do?
Free drink.
Oh, hey.
We got two live ones.
New plan: this time
follow my lead.
Evening, ladies.
Oh, I like your broach.
What is that?
Oh, it's a koala bear.
I think they're adorable.
No way!
My friend Randy here is the leading
expert on koala bears in Australia!
He's in town working with
the Bronx Zoo.
You are?
That is so cool!
What is your favorite thing
about koala bears?
Their...
meat is delicious.
- I'm sorry, Barney.
- Ah, it's okay.
New plan:
we need to get you comfortable
just saying words to women.
Now, there's no reason to be nervous,
because my friend, Robin,
has agreed to help out.
Because you threatened to put a video
of us on the Internet,
which I'm still not
convinced you have.
Right, which is why you came
all the way from Brooklyn at midnight.
Now Randy,
let's keep it simple.
Just start by introducing yourself.
Hi.
My name's Randy.
Hi, Randy.
- How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?
- Good, thank you.
- Great.
You're doing really, really well.
Now ask her what she's doing later.
What are you doing later?
Yeah, your nose is bleeding
like a faucet.
Oh, God. This happens every time
I get an erection. I am so sorry.
Okay.
Okay, new plan.
We wrap his face in gauze
so he can't bleed or talk.
- You are the woman...
- Barney,
why are you so desperate
to have this happen?
I'm a wingman.
That's what wingmen do.
Is it possible that you're trying
to fill the void
of losing Ted by rushing into
a new wingman relationship?
What are you saying?
I'm saying that Randy
is your rebound bro.
No.
That's crazy.
What Randy and I have is real.
No, it's not, Barney.
And even if you got Randy laid tonight,
would it feel anywhere near as
meaningful as when you got Ted laid?
He was just so happy
the next morning, you know?
I know.
All right.
It hasn't clotted but I think
it's pretty much
draining backwards now.
Randy.
I've been thinking,
this isn't working out.
Yeah, I figured.
I knew I couldn't fly this close
to the sun without getting burned.
This is the story of my life.
I always let people down.
You, my dad, the chief.
The chief?
Yeah, I was a cop
for like three months.
But I got kicked off the force
because I screwed up so much
I was an insurance liability.
You were a New York City police officer
and you didn't tell me?
Wow!
Did you ever shoot anybody?
- Only all the time.
- But not himself.
- And not in the foot.
- Actually...
- Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
- but nothing.
I don't think there's anything
hotter than a cop.
Are you okay?
Your nose is bleeding.
Old injury. The bullet's still
lodged in his sinus.
Oh, my God!
You know what?
I live right around the corner. Can I
take you to my place and fix you up?
That would be very nice.
Have a great time, you two.
<i>Oh, my God, thank you.
I can't thank you enough.
I am the greatest wingman of all time.
Ted doesn't know what he's missing.
You had to mention Ted, didn't you?
Okay, I really overreacted
last night. I'm sorry.
Maybe I have some trust issues,
but believe me, I have earned them.
You said that I was looking for a reason
for this whole thing to fall apart.
Well, you're onto me, Ted.
That's actually something
that I do a lot.
But I'm not going to
do that with you.
Ted...
I'm in.
This is awkward.
I have a girl here.
Come on.
There is something that
I'm ready to do with you.
Ted, this is Lucy.
- Hi, Lucy.
- Lucy, this is Ted.
<i>Stella and I thought our relationship
<i>was going to take
a big step that weekend.
<i>Turned out,
it took an even bigger one.
- She's sound asleep.
- Oh. She is so great.
I think so.
So, uh, I was thinking,
my sister is in town
until tomorrow.
And, uh, there's a motel
just down the turnpike.
- Wow, that was amazing!
- Oh, yeah.
What are you doing?
I gotta call Marshall and Lily.
Tell them about this.
complicated time in your old man's life.
<i>The last time I had seen Barney
was shortly after I found out
<i>he had spent
the night with Robin.
Are you saying you don't want
to be bros anymore?
I'm saying I don't want
to be friends anymore.
It's Barney.
Dude, seriously,
you need to stop calling me.
Ted, I'm sorry
I haven't returned your calls.
Yeah, I never called you.
You called me 15 times
and my parents twice.
I'm sorry.
I gotta let you go.
There's just too many
good wingmen out there.
Ted, are you crying?
No, I'm not.
Let it out. Let it out.
Good-bye, Barney.
So, are you two
back together?
I miss Barney.
I haven't high-fived anyone
in like a week.
I think I might be starting to lose
my fist bump callus.
Let me ask you something, Ted.
Why are you so much madder
at Barney than me?
Yeah, she had just as much sex
with Barney as Barney had with her.
You know what?
I'm not sure that's true.
And I think I'd actually prefer it if
you were mad at me; this is too weird.
I'm not mad at anybody.
I've forgiven you, and I've outgrown
Barney as a friend. It's that simple.
I'll tell you why he's not mad.
It's 'cause he's so happy
with Stella.
<i>She was right.
<i>Stella and I had been dating
for two months,
<i>and things were
going really well.
<i>She had met my friends
and passed with flying colors.
<i>There was just
one little problem.
You guys haven't had sex yet?!
When Marshall and I were
two months in, we were doing it 24/7.
I know, I was in the top bunk.
I also sat next to you guys
at football games.
So what are you guys waiting for?
I think she wants to make sure
we're serious first.
That's why she hasn't introduced me
to her daughter, either.
She wants to take things slow.
Wait...
so you haven't had sex
since, like...
Thanksgiving.
Do you know how many big federal
holidays have come and gone since then?
Ooh, baby, do you remember
Martin Luther King Day?
Yeah, I do.
We honored that dude big time.
Look, I'm crazy about this girl,
and if waiting is what it takes,
then I am fine with that.
On a totally unrelated note,
does anybody have any gum
or ice or a piece of bark
they're not chewing?
Hey, Barney,
new SkyMall came in.
So, uh...
Word around the blogosphere is
that you're looking for a new wingman.
I want to let you know
I am available.
Just say the word,
or don't even say the word.
Just do something
with your eyebrow.
Was that it?
No offense, Randy, but there's
a long list of candidates for this slot.
This slot is
Vice President of Awesome,
and you're, like,
Assistant Undersecretary
of Only Okay.
"Assistant Undersecretary
of Only Okay."
Thank you.
I won't let you down.
<i>So Uncle Barney began the search
for a new wingman.
Pete!
Barney Stinson.
Hey, I've been meaning to call you.
It's been a while.
Yeah, yeah, so listen. You should
meet me at MacLaren's tonight.
You're never gonna believe this:
I'm at the hospital.
Just had a baby daughter.
So what do you think,
9:30, 10:00?
Stapleton!
Barney Stinson.
What up, chief?
Need a new bro.
What do you say?
Dude, I'd love to, but right now
I'm bros with Doug Stein.
Oh, I understand.
Doug Stein's a good bro.
I'm happy for you.
Best of luck.
Crazy Willie!
Barney Stinson.
What up, B-Dog? Long time, no bro.
So we gonna tear it up tonight or what?
Yes, finally!
Here's what's on
the rock-it docket.
My wife and I put
the cheese out at 7:00,
Cranium at 8:00,
9:00 p.m. we watch 27 Dresses.
Everybody's home by 11:00.
Boo-yah!
Hello?
Hanging up on you
once wasn't enough.
So I lanced this thing
on this guy's back,
and I'll be honest with you,
I didn't even know what it was,
and then it exploded
like a volcano.
Pus everywhere.
Let's have sex.
Right now. I'll lock the door.
Oh, there's no lock on that door.
We can do it against the door.
It'll be hot!
It'll be like a three-way:
you, me, and the door.
Yeah, but then it's just gonna be weird
between me and the door tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
We're waiting.
It's cool.
You've been so patient, Ted.
The truth is...
I'm kind of nervous.
I have a confession to make.
I was afraid of this.
You're 14.
No, um...
It's kind of embarrassing,
but it's
a while since
I was intimate with anyone.
Wow, it's funny that you say that.
- Me, too.
- Really?
How long's it been for you?
It's been a while.
Tell me.
Me, too!
It's been five months for you, too?
Five years?!
Sync : MiniBen314
Proofreading : MiniBen314
Transcript : Raceman
Resync : kabbage
<i>How I Met Your Mother
3x18 - Rebound Bro
<i>for the "Have You Met Team"
for www.forom.com
Wow. Stella hasn't
had sex since 2003.
Let's put this in context.
The last time Stella had sex,
the movie, Seabiscuit,
had just galloped into theaters...
and our hearts.
Five years?
God, if I even went one year,
I would be out on the street
selling it for a nickel.
The last time Stella had sex,
the world was just
learning about SARS.
Well, Ted, what else did she say? Did
she give you any kind of explanation?
Look, after Lucy was born,
I dated a little,
but it was hard to find a guy
I could trust enough.
Sooner or later, every one of them
gave me a reason not to.
But nobody in five years?
Look, Ted, guys regret
the girls they didn't sleep with.
Girls regret the guys
they do sleep with.
And for the past five years,
I've had no regrets.
Ted, you're staring at
my boobs.
In my defense,
they were staring at me.
So what does this mean for you?
Is she ever gonna want to get intimate?
Actually...
But the truth is, I really do
want to do this with you.
I don't think I'd regret it at all.
Your pillow talk's a little rusty.
You know what I mean, Ted.
I'm ready.
That's great.
Like, "right now" ready?
So her sister's driving up
to baby-sit Lucy,
and we're getting a hotel room
in the city Saturday night.
The last time Stella had sex,
The Da Vinci Code
had just come out.
Well, that doesn't seem
like that long ago.
Not the movie, the book.
It's a lot of pressure, isn't it?
You know what?
It's not.
This woman needs it bad. Anything
you do is going to be fireworks.
I remember my longest drought...
<i>It was that summer
I lived in San Francisco.
<i>I hadn't had been with Marshall
in two months and 19 days.
Oh, San Francisco.
I don't know, Lily, after five years, her
expectations have gotta be pretty high.
Notable deaths in 2003...
Oh, my God...
Nell Carter.
Did you guys know that
Nell Carter had died?
I'm really gonna have to bring
my A-game to satisfy this woman.
Yeah, it'll be pretty hard
now that she's dead.
Not Nell Carter,
Stella.
Dude, relax.
It's all about expectations management.
Do you know why I hated
Jerry Maguire so much?
Because you're dead inside?
No, because you built it up
for, like, two weeks,
saying it was
the greatest movie ever.
With Stella, do the opposite:
lower expectations.
Right, right, and then no matter
what happens, she'll be happy.
Hey, buddy.
I'm married, Barney.
I cannot be your new wingman.
No.
Hey, Randy.
Could you come in here for a minute?
Good news.
I'm calling you up to the majors.
Starting tomorrow night,
how would you like to be
my new wingman?
Just need to check my calendar.
Be right back.
Tomorrow works.
I have a surprise appetizer
for us today. Check it out.
Potato skins.
- Fancy.
- Yeah, right?
God, it's been forever
since I had potato skins.
I remember them as being pretty much
the most delicious things ever.
That's surprising.
- What?
- This potato skin.
It's good, but not nearly as good
as I'd built it up to be in my head.
Even though this potato skin
performed admirably,
and is a totally respectable size...
I couldn't enjoy it because
of my own unrealistic expectations.
Ted, I see what you're doing.
You're trying to lower
my expectations for tonight.
- Is this a length thing?
- No.
- Quick on the draw?
- No.
- Unexpected number of testicles?
- No!
It's just that
this is a big deal for you.
I mean, it's like
Your Virginity: The Sequel.
Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo?
Exactly, and I don't want
to mess it up.
I don't want you to ever
wonder if I was worth it.
Ted, of course it's gonna be worth it.
Stop worrying.
It's you and me.
It already has everything it needs.
"Unexpected number of testicles?"
It happens.
I knew a guy in med school...
We used to joke that he was one ball
away from getting walked.
What up, Bro-seph Lieberman?
No, uh-uh. Randy,
we never use the word "bro"
in the name of a failed Democratic
vice presidential candidate.
Good-bye, "Geraldine Ferrar-bro."
You know what?
I'm excited about this, Randy.
You will be my next masterpiece.
It's like with Ted.
When I first met him,
he was an even bigger loser than you.
What a loser.
But tonight, I am going to make you
the greatest wingman
in the history of wingmen.
Oh, it's gonna be easier
than you think, bro.
Yeah, I've been reading
your blog for years.
You are like a God to me.
That's why tonight
is going to be legendary...
wait for it...
dary.
Okay, Randy, let's do this.
- You ready?
- Yes.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- What? What's the matter?
Nothing.
Let's do this.
No, no, no, no, no, please, please,
please. Just wait. Just wait.
- Just wait. Just wait!
- Randy, what are you doing?
Dripping with game,
that's what I'm doing.
Okay, let's go.
No. Yes. No!
Randy, listen to me:
you can do this, okay?
Oh, I don't know.
Are those girls really that hot?
Yeah, they're hot.
Let's do this. Okay!
Hey, ladies.
Have you met...
- Hey.
- Hey!
So, here's the plan.
Take a horse-drawn carriage through
the park, and it just so happens
the Philharmonic is playing
an open-air...
Ted.
Five years.
- Straight to the hotel?
- Straight to the hotel.
I'll get my bag.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Hey.
So, uh,
looking forward to tonight?
Yeah. Definitely. It's been such
a long time since I've had a night out.
Yeah, we heard.
I would explode if it had been that
long since I had a "night out."
This one wakes me up
at 4:00 a.m. sometimes
just to have a little "night out."
Um, what are you guys
talking about?
Nothing. Pizza.
What are you talking about?
Hey, guys.
Ted, you told them, didn't you?
Told them what?
You told them that
I haven't had sex in five years.
You haven't had sex in five years?!
That is a shocking revelation that
we're just finding out about right now.
Stella, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have told them.
But they're my best friends.
I tell them everything.
I didn't even think about it.
Ted, that was so personal.
- Now your friends think I'm a freak.
- No, they don't.
Look, I realize it's weird, okay?
Not many people go
five years without having sex.
13 years?!
I peaked really young.
That's why it was difficult
for me to tell you.
But I did tell you because
I thought that I could trust you.
You can trust me.
Obviously, I can't.
You know, there's always a reason
not to sleep with a guy, and
you just gave me yours.
Wait, did I give you a reason,
or were you looking for one?
Why would I be looking for one?
Because things are getting
serious between us,
and that scares you.
Good night, Ted.
Okay, Randy,
now, tell me,
without looking at your hand,
what are the three beginner techniques
for picking up a woman at a bar?
Isolate her from her friends;
repeat her name in conversation;
subtly put her down.
Excellent.
Now...
let's put those to use.
I'm right behind you.
Hi, I'm Randy.
What's your name?
- Haley.
- Haley.
Haley, that's a pretty name, Haley.
Haley...
come here, Haley.
Okay.
Haley, you are a fat ugly whore.
I'm sorry, Barney.
So you got a drink thrown in your face.
Happens to me all the time.
Pretty soon you'll be able
to anticipate it,
and when you do?
Free drink.
Oh, hey.
We got two live ones.
New plan: this time
follow my lead.
Evening, ladies.
Oh, I like your broach.
What is that?
Oh, it's a koala bear.
I think they're adorable.
No way!
My friend Randy here is the leading
expert on koala bears in Australia!
He's in town working with
the Bronx Zoo.
You are?
That is so cool!
What is your favorite thing
about koala bears?
Their...
meat is delicious.
- I'm sorry, Barney.
- Ah, it's okay.
New plan:
we need to get you comfortable
just saying words to women.
Now, there's no reason to be nervous,
because my friend, Robin,
has agreed to help out.
Because you threatened to put a video
of us on the Internet,
which I'm still not
convinced you have.
Right, which is why you came
all the way from Brooklyn at midnight.
Now Randy,
let's keep it simple.
Just start by introducing yourself.
Hi.
My name's Randy.
Hi, Randy.
- How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?
- Good, thank you.
- Great.
You're doing really, really well.
Now ask her what she's doing later.
What are you doing later?
Yeah, your nose is bleeding
like a faucet.
Oh, God. This happens every time
I get an erection. I am so sorry.
Okay.
Okay, new plan.
We wrap his face in gauze
so he can't bleed or talk.
- You are the woman...
- Barney,
why are you so desperate
to have this happen?
I'm a wingman.
That's what wingmen do.
Is it possible that you're trying
to fill the void
of losing Ted by rushing into
a new wingman relationship?
What are you saying?
I'm saying that Randy
is your rebound bro.
No.
That's crazy.
What Randy and I have is real.
No, it's not, Barney.
And even if you got Randy laid tonight,
would it feel anywhere near as
meaningful as when you got Ted laid?
He was just so happy
the next morning, you know?
I know.
All right.
It hasn't clotted but I think
it's pretty much
draining backwards now.
Randy.
I've been thinking,
this isn't working out.
Yeah, I figured.
I knew I couldn't fly this close
to the sun without getting burned.
This is the story of my life.
I always let people down.
You, my dad, the chief.
The chief?
Yeah, I was a cop
for like three months.
But I got kicked off the force
because I screwed up so much
I was an insurance liability.
You were a New York City police officer
and you didn't tell me?
Wow!
Did you ever shoot anybody?
- Only all the time.
- But not himself.
- And not in the foot.
- Actually...
- Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
- but nothing.
I don't think there's anything
hotter than a cop.
Are you okay?
Your nose is bleeding.
Old injury. The bullet's still
lodged in his sinus.
Oh, my God!
You know what?
I live right around the corner. Can I
take you to my place and fix you up?
That would be very nice.
Have a great time, you two.
<i>Oh, my God, thank you.
I can't thank you enough.
I am the greatest wingman of all time.
Ted doesn't know what he's missing.
You had to mention Ted, didn't you?
Okay, I really overreacted
last night. I'm sorry.
Maybe I have some trust issues,
but believe me, I have earned them.
You said that I was looking for a reason
for this whole thing to fall apart.
Well, you're onto me, Ted.
That's actually something
that I do a lot.
But I'm not going to
do that with you.
Ted...
I'm in.
This is awkward.
I have a girl here.
Come on.
There is something that
I'm ready to do with you.
Ted, this is Lucy.
- Hi, Lucy.
- Lucy, this is Ted.
<i>Stella and I thought our relationship
<i>was going to take
a big step that weekend.
<i>Turned out,
it took an even bigger one.
- She's sound asleep.
- Oh. She is so great.
I think so.
So, uh, I was thinking,
my sister is in town
until tomorrow.
And, uh, there's a motel
just down the turnpike.
- Wow, that was amazing!
- Oh, yeah.
What are you doing?
I gotta call Marshall and Lily.
Tell them about this.
How I Met Your Mother S03E17 - The Goat
Well, kids, here we are.
We've arrived
My 30th birthday.
The long-awaited story of...
...the goat.
That week started just like any other.
Barney woke up in some girl's bed.
In my experience, the way this normally goes is,
We lie here for a while,
Make a little awkward chitchat.
Check.
Then I make up some cabinet meeting, heart surgery,
Rocket test flight I've got to be at,
Slip out of the apartment and never call you again.
And later at the bar,
You tell your good friend robin
The story of your latest conquest,
And she thinks to herself,
"who is this sad, self-loathing idiot
Who climbed into bed with barney stinson?"
Actually, you usually say that out loud.
So...
...i just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend
And I just slept
With my ex-boyfriend's really good friend.
Best friend.
Okay, here's the deal, barney.
The second my feet touch the ground,
This never happened.
Okay.
Wait.
Right click, save as...
Into the .bpeg folder, and okay.
This never happened.
It's a good plan.
Now we go back to exactly the way things were before.
Okay.
Okay.
Right.
So, robin?
Yes, barney?
Guess who nailed the chick from metro news one last night?
Okay, uh, I am gonna take a shower,
Till june, and, um,
Since you were never here to begin with,
You won't be here when I get out.
-Okay. -okay.
This never happened.
Never happened.
Never... happened.
But pretending it never happened
Wouldn't be that easy.
So, tell us,
What was it like?
What?
penetrating that barrier.
You and I are the first ones to hit it.
Well, not the first ones,
Certainly, but the first ones at this table.
I... I...
I'm... I'm...
Although, I'm gonna be hitting it pretty soon.
yeah, you are.
Yeah, and when I hit it, I'm going to go nuts.
It's gonna be all night, and I think I want a clown there.
I'm a little bit scared of clowns, but for you, I'm there.
What are you taking about?!
The big three-oh.
You know,My 30th birthday's this friday.
Did you forget?
What kind of friend is this guy?
Ha-ha right.
A great friend, by the way.
The best.
Is it my imagination,
Or are these drinks getting smaller?
If this were a doctor's office, they'd say, "try again."
How you doing there, robin?
-I'm good. -Oh, so, I made a a decision.
I'm going to go through all my old stuff,
And I'm getting rid of anything I have no use for anymore.
Hmm. barney, you want my xbox?
Ted, she has a name!
And just what are you accusing me of?
Liking video games?
I'm gonna get a drink.
I'll come with you.
Okay.
God, this is awkward.
What is?
Being around ted.
Why?
-Because of our thing.-what thing?
You're really gonna pretend this never happened?
What never happened?
What are you guys talking about?
Nothing.
Guys, cut the act. I know.
I know about the surprise party you guys are throwing me.
Marshall let it slip earlier today.
Hey, I'll totally act surprised and everything.
Just be sure to invite stella.
Stella!
You have a serious girlfriend now!
You're over this one.
Robin who, right?
Stella makes this one look
Like a filthy bag of gbabage, am I right?
Happy birthday, bro.
Hello.
Hey, marshall, I need your help.
Yeah, I'm kind of real focused on the job hunt right now.
I know. I want to hire you.
For the last time, barney, I will not be your butler.
I need a lawyer.
I'll pay you.
How much?
A little.
I'll take it.
Hey. so, I'm reading this, and, I got to say,
This might be a little bit over my head.
For one thing, I'm fairly certain
That if these contracts aren't executed precisely,
We will be at war with portugal.
Forget that.
That's a tuesday for me.
New shredder.
This baby'll chew up a bicycle in 17 seconds.
From sky mall.it's all from sky mall.
Whenever I get upset, I shop at sky mall.
-Want a hot dog? -of course.
Why are you upset?
Marshall, I'm about to tell you a secret
That you can't tell anyone-- not ted,
Not robin, not lily.
No. no, no, no, I don't want any more secrets,
Especially now that I know what you guys did
To the drinking water in lisbon. i...
You are hearing this secret, marshall.
I... I slept...
Stop..stop doing that.
I slept...
I slept with robin.
You slept with robin?
Are you mad at me?
I don't know.
How's the hot dog?
It's helping.
You slept with robin?!
I... I cannot keep that secret.
I mean, you know
I at least have to tell lily.
You can't. you can't tell anyone.
Attorney-client privilege.
Why are you doing this to me?!
Because I need you, Marshall, as my lawyer,
to prove that I didn't do anying wrong.
How can I help you as your lawyer?
You didn't break any laws, did you?
Robin knows you slept with her, doesn't she?
I didn't break any state or federal laws,
but I think I broke a much, much higher law.
The Bro Code.
For many years,
we had heard Barneyquote the Bro Code,
a list of do's and don'ts for all bros.
Some were basic.
Bro Code article one:"Bros before hoes.
Some were unbelievably complicated.
Bro Code article 89:
"The mom of a bro is always off limits,
"but the stepmom of a bro is fair game if she initiates it,
"and/or is wearing at least one a article
of leopard print clothing."
And some werejust plain disturbing.
Bro Code article 34:
"Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's three-way."
Two dudes.
This is not a legal docume..
This is just something you wrote.
You think I wrote that?
Oh, Marshall,
don't you know the glorious history of the Bro Code?
The year was 1776.
The place: Philadelphia.
Benjamin Franklin and George Washington were hangng a drink.
But, bro, seriously,
I called the dibs on that wench.
You codpiece blocked me.
So what if I did?
There's no rule against it.
Well, there should be.
There should be a set of rules that govern
the way bros comport themselves among other bros.
But who shall write such a document?
I have to go to Me, D.C.,and pose for the dollar bill.
And I have to do some kite-flying or setething.
I shall write this set of rules.
And I shall inscribe it on theacack of the Constitution.
To save paper.
It's resolved!
Barney Stinson shall write...
the Bro Code.
And I shl l include a provision
that stateth no eye contact in a devil's three-way.
-Seconded. -Seconded.
Listen, what do you want me for?
I've just been losing my mind lately,
and do you know why I feel so bad?
Yeah, because you slept with Robin.
No, that was awesome.
I feel bad
because the Bro Code clearly states
"No sex with your bro's ex."
But if you,
my lawyer,can find a loophole somewhere,
then that bad feeling will go bye-bye.
And you would pay me for that?
No, I'll just be the one shredding your paperwork.
Technically, you'll be paid by a toy factory in Pyongyang.
Barney, I'm no shrink, okay,
but don't you see that this is just a desperate way for you
to avoid an unpleasant confrontation with Ted?
Hey, if I wanted a psychological evaluation,
I'd hire the guy we pay
to hint notize us before depositions.
Now, get cracking!
While Marshall examined the Bro Code,
Lily's kindergarten class welcomed a special guest.
And with a little luck, in a few days,
Farmer Frank's cold will be all gone.
And that's why Farmer Frank's breath smells like medicine.
Right, Farmer Frank?
You got it, toots.
Any last questions for Farmer Frank? Yes.
Will we ever go to see Missy the Goat again?
Oh! Ah, isn't that sweet!
Well, you know, honey,
right after this,
I'm gonna drop old Missy off at the butcher shop.
And they're going to take
a great big knife...
And Frank went on to traumatize Lily's entire class
with a graphic explanation of where meat comes from..
So not one little scrap of Missy goes to waste.
Ms. Aldrin, please don't let emem eat Missy.
I know, I know.
I already called an animal rescue,
and they're going to come get her on Monday.
Monday?! Where's she going to sleep and eat
and go to the bathroom?!
Okay, where's she going to sleep and eat?
I-I guess I'll keep her up on the roof.
Look, call me crazy. I just...
I don't think having a goat in the apartment is a good idea.
And, boy, was I right,because what Missy the Goat
would go on to do in that bathroom was so...
No, you know what?
I'm m getting ahead of myself.
We'll get there.
Hey, Ted.
You ready to, um...
Where'd the goat turd come from?
How'd you know that was a goat turd?
Well, it was either that,
or a musk ox turd,
and I figured,what the hell would a musk ox be doing in here?
Hey. Guess what your wife brought home.
Attorney-client privilege.I can't talk about it.
Talk about what?
Nothing.
How was your day?
Oh, goat turd on the floor,I see. Is that new?
How does everyone know that's a goat turd?
-Barney told you. -I don't know what you're talking about,madam.
Marshall,
you can't look me in the eye, you're blushing,
coughing,
and your hands are shaking.
come here.
Ted is never finding out about this, you understand?
Because it never happened, none of us are saying anything.
And don't even think about opening that can
until I'm out of the splash zone.
fantastic, you're here.
Give me the good news.
I'm sorry.
You did too good of a job writing this thing.
It's-it's iron-clad.
No!
Bad lawyer!
I need a loophole!
I want to feel better, Marshall!
I can't keep buying things!
I have six self-cleaning litterboxes
and I don't even have a kid.
Wait. How about this?
Ted's probably broken this thing himself, right?
And if he's broken the Bro Code,
then I'm off the hook.
I thought about that.
And I gotta say,
Ted has upheld this thing time and time again.
For example, article 87:
"A bro shall at all times say yes."
So he saved you from an avalanche?
Yes.
And he carried you six miles to safety on his broken leg?
Yes.
And you're a pre-op transsexual nightclub singer
who used to be a member of the Russian mob?
Da.
Article 29
"A bro will in a timely manner alert his bro
to the existence of a girl fight."
Dude, two girls are fighting at MacLaren's.
What?!
Yeah, yeah.
It was crazy. This one girl was like...
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Article 53:
"A bro will, whenever possible,
provide his bro with protection."
That feels nice.
Good.
I just wish we had some wine.
Yeah.
I wish we had some wine, too.
damn it, Marshall.
I'm not paying you to tell me what a saint Ted is!
You're my lawyer!
The answer is in there! Find it!
Okay, this isn't about the Bro Code, and you know it.
The reason that you're upset is because what you did was wrong.
And the only way you're ever gonna feel
any better about it is if you tell Ted what you did.
What if he never wants to talk to me again?
Well, I guess that's just a chance
you're gonna have to take.
Which brings us to April 25, 2008.
My 30th birthday,
or as it would come to be referred to in later years:
The Day of the Goat.
Hey, where are you?
I'm in the limo, right outside ofeded's office.
Great. Well, everyone's here.
Stella just arrived
and there is something here so awesome,
I'm not going to tell you what it is, but you won't believe...
Goat in a party hat?
Damn it!
Well, you still gotta see it.
It's so much fun having a goat at a party!
In a few short hours,
Lily would come to regret those words.
But we'll get there.
Uh, gotta go. Here he comes.
Okay. Bye.
Whoa, you guys went all out.
Okay, everyone, Ted's in the limo, five-minute warning!
Everyone get ready!
Oh, Missy, are you excit??
Yes, you are!
Whoa, we're leaving the city.
Where the hell is this party?
Vegas.
Vegas? I thought the party was on the rooftop.
Surprise!
Just a decoy, my friend.
So there's no roof party?
Oh, no. There is. We're just not going.
This is how good a friend I am.
They want you to spent your 30th standing around
drinking flat beer ten feet above your living room.
But not me, bro.
I pulled out all the stops.
Private jet, Valderrama suite at the Bellagio.
Steaks at BOA,
scotch at Ghostbar, then two ringside seats
to watch Floyd Mayatather go ten rounds with,
wait for it...
a grizzly bear!
Take me home, Barney.
No!
We have to go to Vegas.
Look, Ted, I didn't want to say this, but...
there's something that I have to tell you,
and I wanted you to be
in the best possible frame of mind before you heard it.
You slept with Robin.
Ranjit!
You slept with Robin?
Barney! That is Ted's ex-girlfriend!
When did you find out?
Hey, Robin. Come here!
What's up?
I was, uh, just going through some old stuff
-and I... -Oh, crap!
Anyway, uh,
I came across this.
-From my vacacation in Vermont. -Yeah.
I don't know if you'd even want it, but if you do, it's yours.
I slept with Barney!
What?
It was just one time,
it, it was the night that Simon dumped me
and I was in a really vulnerable place
and I, I wand d to just pretend like it never happened,
but I couldn't, and...
I can't.
I just, I had to tell you.
And...
I just hope that we can still be friends.
Of course we can still be friends.
So you're not mad?
Well, I'm...
it's a little weird, but, um,
No, I'm not mad.
So you're not mad?
No, I'm not mad.
I mean, Robin and I broke up a year ago.
We've, we've both dated lots of people since then.
I'm with Stella now.
Seriously, I...I'm fine with this.
I'm so relieved to hear you say that.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, hey, I just remembered, um,
my mom is coming into town next month.
Maybe you'd like to nail her, too!
Where are they?! I'm getting a cramp.
Marshall, can we keep the goat?
No.
-But she's so cute and furry and soft. -Yeah,
and she also sheds, eats out of the garbage
and can't control her bobowels.
Why don't we just call Duluth Mental Hospital
and say my Uncle Linus can live with us?
Yeah, Lily, that may seem like a good idea
after a couple of drinks but tomorrow morning
you're going to want this thing out of your house.
Oh, you should talk.You slept with Barney.
Marshall!
I'm sorry!
I couldn't take it anymore.
I can't believe you did that.
That's so gross.
Was it amazing?
What? I...
Lily, I really don't want to talk about this.
I know but it's Barney.
It's just hard not to be curious.
Did he have like devices and stuff?
Lily,come on.
-Hot wax? -Stop it.
Did he tie you to anything?
-That's enough. -What's wrong with you?
I'm sorry.
Is he all smooth down there?
Three billion women on the planet!
Three billion!
And you have to sleep with the one that I dated for a year!
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?!
Robin?!
You think I'm proud of this?!
I'm horrified that this happened.
How did it happen? Huh?
Barney, I want to know.
Tell me exactly how it happened.
You mean...
what position?
Okay.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it.
-Hit him! Hit him, -Ted! Stop!
-Hit him! -Stop!
-Hit him! -Okay.
Okay. Okay.
You're pissed.
You deserve to be.
Fine. You know what?
One free shot. On me.
Anywhere but the face.
Who punches someone in the groin?
Okay.Okay.
I deserved that.
I deserved that.
But what's important now is...
we're passed this whole Robin thing now, right?
You think that this is just about Robin?
This is about...
You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff.
I mean some really terrible stuff
to a lot of different people.
I just always thought there had to be a limit.
I always thought I was the limit.
You're always spouting off these rules for bros.
Isn't one of them, "don't do this"?
Yeah. And I broke it.
I'm sorry.
But, Ted...
...seriously, this suite at the Bellagio...
I am not going to Vegas with you!
I'm not going to blow off my friends
and my girlfriend,
and spend my 30th birthday in a strip club.
The fact that you think I would...
You know, Barney,earlier this week
I started putting things in a box
and that box was labeled "stuff I have no use for anymore."
What does that mean?
It means...
maybe you belong in that box.
Are you saying you dnon't want to be bros anymore?
I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.
Okay, I'm going to stop you right there,
because it seems like you're about to say something
that's going to pretty much ruin Vegas.
Ranjit, stop the car.
I'm getting a cab.
Surprise!
Oh, right, the goat.
So funny.You're going to love this.
So later in that night, the goat locked himself in the bathroom
and was eating oneof Robin's washcloths and
wait, hold on.
Robin wasn't living here on my 30th birthday.
When did this happen?
Oh, wait, the goat was there on my 31st birthday.
Sorry,I totally got that wrong.
We've arrived
My 30th birthday.
The long-awaited story of...
...the goat.
That week started just like any other.
Barney woke up in some girl's bed.
In my experience, the way this normally goes is,
We lie here for a while,
Make a little awkward chitchat.
Check.
Then I make up some cabinet meeting, heart surgery,
Rocket test flight I've got to be at,
Slip out of the apartment and never call you again.
And later at the bar,
You tell your good friend robin
The story of your latest conquest,
And she thinks to herself,
"who is this sad, self-loathing idiot
Who climbed into bed with barney stinson?"
Actually, you usually say that out loud.
So...
...i just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend
And I just slept
With my ex-boyfriend's really good friend.
Best friend.
Okay, here's the deal, barney.
The second my feet touch the ground,
This never happened.
Okay.
Wait.
Right click, save as...
Into the .bpeg folder, and okay.
This never happened.
It's a good plan.
Now we go back to exactly the way things were before.
Okay.
Okay.
Right.
So, robin?
Yes, barney?
Guess who nailed the chick from metro news one last night?
Okay, uh, I am gonna take a shower,
Till june, and, um,
Since you were never here to begin with,
You won't be here when I get out.
-Okay. -okay.
This never happened.
Never happened.
Never... happened.
But pretending it never happened
Wouldn't be that easy.
So, tell us,
What was it like?
What?
penetrating that barrier.
You and I are the first ones to hit it.
Well, not the first ones,
Certainly, but the first ones at this table.
I... I...
I'm... I'm...
Although, I'm gonna be hitting it pretty soon.
yeah, you are.
Yeah, and when I hit it, I'm going to go nuts.
It's gonna be all night, and I think I want a clown there.
I'm a little bit scared of clowns, but for you, I'm there.
What are you taking about?!
The big three-oh.
You know,My 30th birthday's this friday.
Did you forget?
What kind of friend is this guy?
Ha-ha right.
A great friend, by the way.
The best.
Is it my imagination,
Or are these drinks getting smaller?
If this were a doctor's office, they'd say, "try again."
How you doing there, robin?
-I'm good. -Oh, so, I made a a decision.
I'm going to go through all my old stuff,
And I'm getting rid of anything I have no use for anymore.
Hmm. barney, you want my xbox?
Ted, she has a name!
And just what are you accusing me of?
Liking video games?
I'm gonna get a drink.
I'll come with you.
Okay.
God, this is awkward.
What is?
Being around ted.
Why?
-Because of our thing.-what thing?
You're really gonna pretend this never happened?
What never happened?
What are you guys talking about?
Nothing.
Guys, cut the act. I know.
I know about the surprise party you guys are throwing me.
Marshall let it slip earlier today.
Hey, I'll totally act surprised and everything.
Just be sure to invite stella.
Stella!
You have a serious girlfriend now!
You're over this one.
Robin who, right?
Stella makes this one look
Like a filthy bag of gbabage, am I right?
Happy birthday, bro.
Hello.
Hey, marshall, I need your help.
Yeah, I'm kind of real focused on the job hunt right now.
I know. I want to hire you.
For the last time, barney, I will not be your butler.
I need a lawyer.
I'll pay you.
How much?
A little.
I'll take it.
Hey. so, I'm reading this, and, I got to say,
This might be a little bit over my head.
For one thing, I'm fairly certain
That if these contracts aren't executed precisely,
We will be at war with portugal.
Forget that.
That's a tuesday for me.
New shredder.
This baby'll chew up a bicycle in 17 seconds.
From sky mall.it's all from sky mall.
Whenever I get upset, I shop at sky mall.
-Want a hot dog? -of course.
Why are you upset?
Marshall, I'm about to tell you a secret
That you can't tell anyone-- not ted,
Not robin, not lily.
No. no, no, no, I don't want any more secrets,
Especially now that I know what you guys did
To the drinking water in lisbon. i...
You are hearing this secret, marshall.
I... I slept...
Stop..stop doing that.
I slept...
I slept with robin.
You slept with robin?
Are you mad at me?
I don't know.
How's the hot dog?
It's helping.
You slept with robin?!
I... I cannot keep that secret.
I mean, you know
I at least have to tell lily.
You can't. you can't tell anyone.
Attorney-client privilege.
Why are you doing this to me?!
Because I need you, Marshall, as my lawyer,
to prove that I didn't do anying wrong.
How can I help you as your lawyer?
You didn't break any laws, did you?
Robin knows you slept with her, doesn't she?
I didn't break any state or federal laws,
but I think I broke a much, much higher law.
The Bro Code.
For many years,
we had heard Barneyquote the Bro Code,
a list of do's and don'ts for all bros.
Some were basic.
Bro Code article one:"Bros before hoes.
Some were unbelievably complicated.
Bro Code article 89:
"The mom of a bro is always off limits,
"but the stepmom of a bro is fair game if she initiates it,
"and/or is wearing at least one a article
of leopard print clothing."
And some werejust plain disturbing.
Bro Code article 34:
"Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's three-way."
Two dudes.
This is not a legal docume..
This is just something you wrote.
You think I wrote that?
Oh, Marshall,
don't you know the glorious history of the Bro Code?
The year was 1776.
The place: Philadelphia.
Benjamin Franklin and George Washington were hangng a drink.
But, bro, seriously,
I called the dibs on that wench.
You codpiece blocked me.
So what if I did?
There's no rule against it.
Well, there should be.
There should be a set of rules that govern
the way bros comport themselves among other bros.
But who shall write such a document?
I have to go to Me, D.C.,and pose for the dollar bill.
And I have to do some kite-flying or setething.
I shall write this set of rules.
And I shall inscribe it on theacack of the Constitution.
To save paper.
It's resolved!
Barney Stinson shall write...
the Bro Code.
And I shl l include a provision
that stateth no eye contact in a devil's three-way.
-Seconded. -Seconded.
Listen, what do you want me for?
I've just been losing my mind lately,
and do you know why I feel so bad?
Yeah, because you slept with Robin.
No, that was awesome.
I feel bad
because the Bro Code clearly states
"No sex with your bro's ex."
But if you,
my lawyer,can find a loophole somewhere,
then that bad feeling will go bye-bye.
And you would pay me for that?
No, I'll just be the one shredding your paperwork.
Technically, you'll be paid by a toy factory in Pyongyang.
Barney, I'm no shrink, okay,
but don't you see that this is just a desperate way for you
to avoid an unpleasant confrontation with Ted?
Hey, if I wanted a psychological evaluation,
I'd hire the guy we pay
to hint notize us before depositions.
Now, get cracking!
While Marshall examined the Bro Code,
Lily's kindergarten class welcomed a special guest.
And with a little luck, in a few days,
Farmer Frank's cold will be all gone.
And that's why Farmer Frank's breath smells like medicine.
Right, Farmer Frank?
You got it, toots.
Any last questions for Farmer Frank? Yes.
Will we ever go to see Missy the Goat again?
Oh! Ah, isn't that sweet!
Well, you know, honey,
right after this,
I'm gonna drop old Missy off at the butcher shop.
And they're going to take
a great big knife...
And Frank went on to traumatize Lily's entire class
with a graphic explanation of where meat comes from..
So not one little scrap of Missy goes to waste.
Ms. Aldrin, please don't let emem eat Missy.
I know, I know.
I already called an animal rescue,
and they're going to come get her on Monday.
Monday?! Where's she going to sleep and eat
and go to the bathroom?!
Okay, where's she going to sleep and eat?
I-I guess I'll keep her up on the roof.
Look, call me crazy. I just...
I don't think having a goat in the apartment is a good idea.
And, boy, was I right,because what Missy the Goat
would go on to do in that bathroom was so...
No, you know what?
I'm m getting ahead of myself.
We'll get there.
Hey, Ted.
You ready to, um...
Where'd the goat turd come from?
How'd you know that was a goat turd?
Well, it was either that,
or a musk ox turd,
and I figured,what the hell would a musk ox be doing in here?
Hey. Guess what your wife brought home.
Attorney-client privilege.I can't talk about it.
Talk about what?
Nothing.
How was your day?
Oh, goat turd on the floor,I see. Is that new?
How does everyone know that's a goat turd?
-Barney told you. -I don't know what you're talking about,madam.
Marshall,
you can't look me in the eye, you're blushing,
coughing,
and your hands are shaking.
come here.
Ted is never finding out about this, you understand?
Because it never happened, none of us are saying anything.
And don't even think about opening that can
until I'm out of the splash zone.
fantastic, you're here.
Give me the good news.
I'm sorry.
You did too good of a job writing this thing.
It's-it's iron-clad.
No!
Bad lawyer!
I need a loophole!
I want to feel better, Marshall!
I can't keep buying things!
I have six self-cleaning litterboxes
and I don't even have a kid.
Wait. How about this?
Ted's probably broken this thing himself, right?
And if he's broken the Bro Code,
then I'm off the hook.
I thought about that.
And I gotta say,
Ted has upheld this thing time and time again.
For example, article 87:
"A bro shall at all times say yes."
So he saved you from an avalanche?
Yes.
And he carried you six miles to safety on his broken leg?
Yes.
And you're a pre-op transsexual nightclub singer
who used to be a member of the Russian mob?
Da.
Article 29
"A bro will in a timely manner alert his bro
to the existence of a girl fight."
Dude, two girls are fighting at MacLaren's.
What?!
Yeah, yeah.
It was crazy. This one girl was like...
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Article 53:
"A bro will, whenever possible,
provide his bro with protection."
That feels nice.
Good.
I just wish we had some wine.
Yeah.
I wish we had some wine, too.
damn it, Marshall.
I'm not paying you to tell me what a saint Ted is!
You're my lawyer!
The answer is in there! Find it!
Okay, this isn't about the Bro Code, and you know it.
The reason that you're upset is because what you did was wrong.
And the only way you're ever gonna feel
any better about it is if you tell Ted what you did.
What if he never wants to talk to me again?
Well, I guess that's just a chance
you're gonna have to take.
Which brings us to April 25, 2008.
My 30th birthday,
or as it would come to be referred to in later years:
The Day of the Goat.
Hey, where are you?
I'm in the limo, right outside ofeded's office.
Great. Well, everyone's here.
Stella just arrived
and there is something here so awesome,
I'm not going to tell you what it is, but you won't believe...
Goat in a party hat?
Damn it!
Well, you still gotta see it.
It's so much fun having a goat at a party!
In a few short hours,
Lily would come to regret those words.
But we'll get there.
Uh, gotta go. Here he comes.
Okay. Bye.
Whoa, you guys went all out.
Okay, everyone, Ted's in the limo, five-minute warning!
Everyone get ready!
Oh, Missy, are you excit??
Yes, you are!
Whoa, we're leaving the city.
Where the hell is this party?
Vegas.
Vegas? I thought the party was on the rooftop.
Surprise!
Just a decoy, my friend.
So there's no roof party?
Oh, no. There is. We're just not going.
This is how good a friend I am.
They want you to spent your 30th standing around
drinking flat beer ten feet above your living room.
But not me, bro.
I pulled out all the stops.
Private jet, Valderrama suite at the Bellagio.
Steaks at BOA,
scotch at Ghostbar, then two ringside seats
to watch Floyd Mayatather go ten rounds with,
wait for it...
a grizzly bear!
Take me home, Barney.
No!
We have to go to Vegas.
Look, Ted, I didn't want to say this, but...
there's something that I have to tell you,
and I wanted you to be
in the best possible frame of mind before you heard it.
You slept with Robin.
Ranjit!
You slept with Robin?
Barney! That is Ted's ex-girlfriend!
When did you find out?
Hey, Robin. Come here!
What's up?
I was, uh, just going through some old stuff
-and I... -Oh, crap!
Anyway, uh,
I came across this.
-From my vacacation in Vermont. -Yeah.
I don't know if you'd even want it, but if you do, it's yours.
I slept with Barney!
What?
It was just one time,
it, it was the night that Simon dumped me
and I was in a really vulnerable place
and I, I wand d to just pretend like it never happened,
but I couldn't, and...
I can't.
I just, I had to tell you.
And...
I just hope that we can still be friends.
Of course we can still be friends.
So you're not mad?
Well, I'm...
it's a little weird, but, um,
No, I'm not mad.
So you're not mad?
No, I'm not mad.
I mean, Robin and I broke up a year ago.
We've, we've both dated lots of people since then.
I'm with Stella now.
Seriously, I...I'm fine with this.
I'm so relieved to hear you say that.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, hey, I just remembered, um,
my mom is coming into town next month.
Maybe you'd like to nail her, too!
Where are they?! I'm getting a cramp.
Marshall, can we keep the goat?
No.
-But she's so cute and furry and soft. -Yeah,
and she also sheds, eats out of the garbage
and can't control her bobowels.
Why don't we just call Duluth Mental Hospital
and say my Uncle Linus can live with us?
Yeah, Lily, that may seem like a good idea
after a couple of drinks but tomorrow morning
you're going to want this thing out of your house.
Oh, you should talk.You slept with Barney.
Marshall!
I'm sorry!
I couldn't take it anymore.
I can't believe you did that.
That's so gross.
Was it amazing?
What? I...
Lily, I really don't want to talk about this.
I know but it's Barney.
It's just hard not to be curious.
Did he have like devices and stuff?
Lily,come on.
-Hot wax? -Stop it.
Did he tie you to anything?
-That's enough. -What's wrong with you?
I'm sorry.
Is he all smooth down there?
Three billion women on the planet!
Three billion!
And you have to sleep with the one that I dated for a year!
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?!
Robin?!
You think I'm proud of this?!
I'm horrified that this happened.
How did it happen? Huh?
Barney, I want to know.
Tell me exactly how it happened.
You mean...
what position?
Okay.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it.
-Hit him! Hit him, -Ted! Stop!
-Hit him! -Stop!
-Hit him! -Okay.
Okay. Okay.
You're pissed.
You deserve to be.
Fine. You know what?
One free shot. On me.
Anywhere but the face.
Who punches someone in the groin?
Okay.Okay.
I deserved that.
I deserved that.
But what's important now is...
we're passed this whole Robin thing now, right?
You think that this is just about Robin?
This is about...
You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff.
I mean some really terrible stuff
to a lot of different people.
I just always thought there had to be a limit.
I always thought I was the limit.
You're always spouting off these rules for bros.
Isn't one of them, "don't do this"?
Yeah. And I broke it.
I'm sorry.
But, Ted...
...seriously, this suite at the Bellagio...
I am not going to Vegas with you!
I'm not going to blow off my friends
and my girlfriend,
and spend my 30th birthday in a strip club.
The fact that you think I would...
You know, Barney,earlier this week
I started putting things in a box
and that box was labeled "stuff I have no use for anymore."
What does that mean?
It means...
maybe you belong in that box.
Are you saying you dnon't want to be bros anymore?
I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.
Okay, I'm going to stop you right there,
because it seems like you're about to say something
that's going to pretty much ruin Vegas.
Ranjit, stop the car.
I'm getting a cab.
Surprise!
Oh, right, the goat.
So funny.You're going to love this.
So later in that night, the goat locked himself in the bathroom
and was eating oneof Robin's washcloths and
wait, hold on.
Robin wasn't living here on my 30th birthday.
When did this happen?
Oh, wait, the goat was there on my 31st birthday.
Sorry,I totally got that wrong.
How I Met Your Mother S03E16 - Sandcastles in the Sand
Now kids, When aunt Robin was the teenager.
She was, well, the Canadian pop star.
But by 2008, she was the entirely different person.
Coming up next,is your baby trying to kill you
Which maybe events that week, all the more surprising.
So, I got up this morning, its freezing.
So I walked over there.
And I don't know why I am still talking.
Because clearly we are all asking the same question.
What in god's creation is going on with Robin's breasts.
I know, right, isn't that amazing.
I spent half an hour making these happen
Its tape in there, cotton balls,
half of a Nerf football, but it works, right?
Totally. What's the occasion?
And old friend from Canada is in town
and I'm meeting him for a drink.
Ooh! Somebody you went to Degrassi with?
No. Actually, he was my first boyfriend.
Simon. I thought he was the coolest guy ever.
He smelled like Drakkar.
He could ollie on a skateboard.
He had the most amazing collection
of Hard Rock Cafe T-shirts.
We spent the whole summer madly in love.
Tell me more. Tell me more.
Like, did he have a car?
So he's the guy who...
How shall I say this like a gentleman?
Robin, did he take your maple leaf?
No, it wasn't like that.
Sounds to me like he gave you your first "O, Canada!" face.
NARROR: This went on for a really long time.
Some of them jokes were elegant and well-crafted...
Wait, wait. Did he break up with you
and tell you he's just not that Inuit?
...others were crude, and ill-formed...
Um, something about fur trapping.
NARRATOR: ...and others were obvious, but needed to be said...
Did you ride his Zamboni?
Oh! Come on! Oh!
(laughter)
Wait, wait, wait. Did he...?
I think I'm out.
Yeah, I'm also "oot."
Okay, now I'm really out.
Well, I'm sorry, guys. It was all very tame.
We only dated for a week and a half.
Wha...? I thought you said you were together all summer.
Yeah. Summer in Canada is pretty much the last week of July.
Anyway, one night,
his band just finish playing this gig...
(panting)
Oh, my God! Simon.
That was such a good show.
You guys totally rocked out.
Yeah.
I know.
I figure we're about four or five gigs away
from really exploding.
We're gonna be big, babe.
I mean, like Crash-Test-Dummies big.
So, that everything?
Yeah.
All right.
Listen, babe...
It's over.
What?
I'm getting back together with Louise Marsh.
Louise Marsh?!
That's a whore's name if I ever heard one.
Yeah, why would he want to get back together with Louise Marsh?
Well, the thing is...
her folks just put in a pool.
Oh... So...
I totally... I get it.
Pools are great.
Swimming's awesome.
We have a sprinkler.
Run right through it.
Well, I should go.
Uh...
Babe, wait.
Yeah, Simon?
You forgot to load the drum set.
No!
Tell me you did not load the drum set.
(drums feet): I did.
(all groaning)
And now he's coming here?
Robin, why do you want to see this guy?
Oh! I know why.
You're gonna win, aren't you?
I have no idea what you' talking about.
Yes, you do.
Whenever you haven't seen someone for a long time,
no matter how much you want to deny it,
there's always a clear winner and a clear loser.
Well, since you brought it up,
let's add up the points.
You're starting out with two big ones right there.
Thank you.
Okay. So, Simon still lives with his mom.
Point Robin.
Um, he never became
a rock star.
Point Robin.
He now works at a water slide park outside of Ottawa.
Point Simon.
Wait. Do they have a wave pool?
No.
Ah. Point Robin. That's five-zip.
There's no coming back from that.
Yeah, he's going down.
I mean, unless somehow, he got hotter.
There he is.
And sure enough, there was a clear winner,
and a clear loser.
It just wasn't clear to everybody.
Hey, babe.
(giggling): Oh, my God.
Okay, what the hell just happened?
Oh, come on, it wasn't so bad, was it?
(others groan)
Hey, Simon.
Wow, look at you.
You got old.
ROBIN: Yeah.
You look great.
You got hotter,
like that's possible.
(giggles)
So...
Look, I know it didn't go as planned,
but I can't help it.
I mean...
he's still got it.
Whoa! Four bucks for a brew?
What a rip.
Good think I'm packing.
(giggles)
So he's not a snob.
He's from a different part
of Canada, you know?
The maple leaf flag on the back of the pickup truck?
He's Red Province.
He's from the Deep North.
The thing is,
we gave you so many opportunities.
So, Simon,
Robin's a bit of a local celebrity here in New York.
She's the lead anchor at Metro News One.
Tell him, Robin.
No. It's stupid.
It's not cool, like Simon's shirt.
I'm sorry, Simon.
Here we are nattering on about our big celebrity.
What do you do for a living?
Oh, I work at the Splish Splash Ottawa Water Slide Park.
Huh! A water slide park.
That sure is different than what Robin does.
Yeah, it is... because I save lives.
If I'm not sitting in that stool
at the top of the slide, going...
Go...
Go...
Go...
people die.
What, you think it's so easy?
You try it.
Um... (clears throat)... okay.
Go.
You didn't put your hand up; kid just died.
No, I didn't know...
Another kid just went; he died too.
Oh, well, sure. I mean, if I was actually...
Another kid just went; now you've got a pile-up
and Robin's got something to report on the news.
This just in: My friend, Ted, just killed a bunch of kids today.
Well, that's cool.
You got to pay the bills somehow
since your whole music thing didn't really pan out, did it?
Well, it hasn't panned out yet, but the band's still going.
About four or five gigs
away from really exploding.
The Foreskins are still playing?
The Foreskins?
How'd you guys come up with that name?
(sighs) Well, there's four of us,
and we play without shirts.
Babe, seriously.
I know. I'm sorry.
I know. I'm sorry.
But you guys just don't understand.
The fact that he kept the band going-- that's impressive.
I mean, I gave up my musical dream.
Which brings us to the most important piece
of information from tonight.
So, Simon,
how did you guys meet?
Oh, I was in her video.
Starred in it is more like it.
Well, once you win Mr. Teen Winnipeg,
everybody wants a piece of the moneymaker.
I'm sorry. I've seen "Let's Go to the Mall"
about a thousand times, and you, sir, are not in it.
No, I was in the other one.
There's another video?!
Robin, seriously,
just make this easier on yourself
and give us the tape.
No.
All right.
You leave me no choice.
From this moment on,
I will spend every waking minute ching down this tape.
I will not sleep. I will not eat.
My life will be a living hell of search engines
and overseas phone calls,
chasing down something that possibly can't be found.
Okay.
It's just...
It was so hard to watch, Robin.
You're usually so cool.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm sitting next to Simon, and suddenly I'm 16 again.
Oh, it's actually a common thing.
When you're around someone from your past,
you kind of revert back to who you were
when you knew them.
There's not really a name for it, though.
It's called "revertigo."
Yeah, I don't know about "revertigo."
You know who gets really bad revertigo?
(whispers): Lily when she around
her high school friend, Michelle.
Michelle? She sounds hot.
You don't know about Lily and Michelle?
No. What about Lily and Michelle?
Oh, my friend, you are in for a treat.
Hey, Lil? What?
You know, I was just thinking,
we haven't seen your friend Michelle in a while.
Oh, yeah. I'll give her a call, see if she wants to hang out.
Yeah.
What... (stammers) Do they make out?
Better.
Comparable. Comparable.
Whatever. It's over. I lost.
I guess you, uh, you don't get second chance.
I got a second chance.
What happened?
He came by my place tonight...
Simon. What are you doing here?
I just feel like there's some unfinished business
between you and me.
Seeing you now...
has made me realize that breaking up with you
is the biggest mistake I made in my entire life.
Oh, I like where this is going.
I know this is crazy,
and I'm only in town for a couple of days,
but do you want to go on a date?
He asked you out?!
Oh, step into my web, Simon.
The coup de grace.
(a la Mortal Kombat): Finish him!
I'd love to!
Wait. You're going on a date with Simon?
That Simon?The one we met?
Robin, this guy doesn't deserve a second chance.
Not after the way he treated you.
That was ten years ago. People evolve.
I mean, are you the same person that you were in high school?
Oh, hell, no!
I think you're gonna enjoy this.
That my girl Michelle? Bitch, you know it!
How she livin'? She living only way she know how to.
Large!
Oh, girl, you gots to get your drink on up in here.
I'm hoping my t ass can hustle me up a vodka-Gatorade.
For reals.
I want her around all the time.
I'd even consider not trying to sleep with her
if that's what it takes.
Guys, I've decided to seduce Michelle.
(rock music playing)
(laughs)
(song ends)
(Robin whoops)
Yeah! Guys, that was great.
Let's take five.
Hey, babe, did you like it
after my bass solo when I flicked my pick at you?
That rocked.
Yeah.
Uh, 'cause I'm gonna need that pick back.
Oh, uh, sure.
Um, I think it...
It's cool. You'll find it later. Oh, cool.
I wish I didn't have to go to work in the morning.
Oh, but, babe, you got to go to work.
You got to play our demo on your show.
Oh, well, you know, it's not a show.
It's the news.
Right. So you can be, like,
"Hey, did you hear there's some news?
There's a rad band you guys should check out."
And then play it.
Or just, like, the first three songs.
And now it's time for "Puppy Corner,"
some little angels looking for a new home,
courtesy of the Midtown Animal Shelter.
* Murder
* Climb aboard the Murder Train *
* Murder
* Climb aboard the Murder Train... *
Hey, a lot of puppies got adopted.
Of course, a lot of the people calling in thought
we were going to kill them.
Robin, your revertigo is really starting to affect your work.
What's revertigo?
It's a stupid, made-up word with no meaning.
No. It's a phenomenon where,
when you're around people from your past,
you start behaving like them.
Oh. One example of that springs to mind.
I think we all know what it is.
You do?
Yeah. Ted.
Me?
Whenever Ted's friend Punchy comes into town,
it's like, all of a sudden, Ted's in high school again.
TED: Okay, okay.
First of all, his name is Adam Punciarello,
and I don't do that.
(both scoffing)
(knocking, classical music plays)
Ooh. That must be Adam.
'Sup, Punchy? 'Sup, Shmosby?!
You want to go? I'm alrey there!
Come on! This is it!
Dude, seriously, I'm sorry about your dad.
Yeah, it was a real shock.
I can't believe you, of all people, are saying this.
Why?
No reason.
Robin, the point is, what are you doing?
I mean, this guy?
Okay, you want the truth?
Yeah. I like Simon.
I do.
We have fun together.
Oh, we know you do, honey, but we're worried about you.
You're worried?
Okay, hold on.
Is there any version of this conversation
where you guys don't sound like my parents?
I don't know. Is there any version
where you don't sound like a 16-year-old?
That's exactly what my mom would say.
No. If I was your mom, I woulsay,
"We forbid you from seeing this boy."
(scoffs) Lily!
No, I'm sorry, but it's for your own good.
(teary): This is my life!
You guys just don't get it!
You've never felt the way that I feel!
Now, now. We were once young and in love, too.
Yeah, like, a billion years ago.
You've been drinking, haven't you?
Yeah, we all have.
You bought the last round.
You're not going to that show tonight!
Oh, yes, I am, and you know what else?
Tonight, after the show,
Simon and I are going all the way!
(all gasping)
Young lady, get back here!
(teary): Thanks for your help.
Hey, so, today at work...
Not now, Ted!
Geez.
Ooh!
Oh, hey, Simon.
Great show.
You guys still rock.
Yeah.
They totally dug my bass solo.
Man!
Why can't I always feel this alive?!
God, I just love seeing you so happy.
Yeah. (laughs)
About that.
Listen, babe.
It's over. What?
I'm getting back together with Louise Marsh.
(laughing): What?
You're kidding me.
You're breaking up with me?
Again?
F-For the same ex-girlfriend?
In the same van?
What is it?
Her-Her parents got a pool?
Is that still the reason?
Well...
I'm sorry, Robin.
I'm fine, really.
Oh, Robin, I'm gonna tell you for real.
Simon's a dawg.
You feel me, Chelle?
Mm-hmm, for reals.
He a scrub.
Mm. True dat.
I'ma get me my champagne and grape soda on.
So, how's Columbia?
Great!
I'm almost done with my disstation.
Hmm. I'm getting a PhD in behavioral psychology.
Um, can I make an observation?
Oh.
I know.
Whenever I'm around Lily,
she just brings out that side of me.
There's a psychological term for the phenomenon.
Revertigo? No.
Actually, it's associative regression. You see,
the neural pathways that...
*
Oh, no, you did not just
put on my jam!
Oh. Put your hands up, girl!
Holla! Holla!
One by one, we all had to go home.
Soon, it was just Robin.
BARNEY: All right.
I can't find your video.
I've wasted three days tr...
*
What's the matter?
*
Uh... Simon dumped me
in his van after the show.
Yeah, Robin, that was, like, ten years ago.
No, tonight.
Ooh.
(laughing): Really?
Oh! Oh, come here.
(sobbing) Come here.
*
It's just...
when I was young, I was so...
vulnerable and-and open to things, you know?
And... I guess I just... I wanted to feel that way again.
I wanted to be 16 again.
Robin, that is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard come out of your mouth.
You want to be 16 again?
I have watched your first
Robin Sparkles video 1,000 times,
and it's not because I'm proud of you as a friend.
It's because you were totally, totally lame back then.
But now, come on. Pa-cow!
You're the most awesome person I have ever known.
Well, second most awesome.
Right. Of course, the-the first being you.
No.
No. The first is this guy
who lives in a place called the mirror.
(laughs) What up.
Oh.
I'm saying
that you are way more awesome than Simon ever will be.
*
Barney, do you want to come back to my place?
Your place?
*
Are you sure you want to do this?
Yeah. I am.
Let's just not tell anyone about this, okay?
Of course.
So, should I just put it in?
Yeah, why not?
(sighs)
(instrumental intro to pop ballad plays)
* Met you at the mall...
This was my big artistic follow-up
to"Let's Go to the Mall."
It kind of tanked.
* My friends said I was a fool
You're a fool. Shut up!
Is that Tiffany? Mm-hmm.
* 'Cause you were older and got kicked out of school *
You are so rad.
* Together we we gonna travel the globe *
* From Alberta to Ontario
It's everything I want it to be and more.
Oh, I'm so glad. Mm-hmm.
* And now I'm building sandcastles in the sand *
* Sandcastles in the sand *
* Thought I could fly when you held my hand *
* Thought I could fly *
But now...
* Eternity returns to black and white... *
Is that Alan Thicke?
Yeah.
* It was the greatest week and a half *
* Of my life
* We used to go to the beach
You know, if you reedit it,
there's a tampon commercial in here somewhere.
* On our favorite bench
* We'd sit and talk and you taught me to french *
* You're good at...
Do you seem how lame you were back then?
Yeah, you're right. I was lame.
Totally lame. Ugh.
* ...so unfair...
ROBOT: You don't understand about love.
And, of course, the robot makes an appearance
in the sad love ballad.
He was my sidekick. He had to be.
And so they watched it again.
* Come back, please
* I've changed my mind
* Let's go all the way
I love you.
Let's do it.
I miss you.
And again.
* Sandcastles may be cute
I'm on the pill now.
And again.
* But now all they do is remind me of you... *
They watched it over and over that night until finally,
they stopped watching.
She was, well, the Canadian pop star.
But by 2008, she was the entirely different person.
Coming up next,is your baby trying to kill you
Which maybe events that week, all the more surprising.
So, I got up this morning, its freezing.
So I walked over there.
And I don't know why I am still talking.
Because clearly we are all asking the same question.
What in god's creation is going on with Robin's breasts.
I know, right, isn't that amazing.
I spent half an hour making these happen
Its tape in there, cotton balls,
half of a Nerf football, but it works, right?
Totally. What's the occasion?
And old friend from Canada is in town
and I'm meeting him for a drink.
Ooh! Somebody you went to Degrassi with?
No. Actually, he was my first boyfriend.
Simon. I thought he was the coolest guy ever.
He smelled like Drakkar.
He could ollie on a skateboard.
He had the most amazing collection
of Hard Rock Cafe T-shirts.
We spent the whole summer madly in love.
Tell me more. Tell me more.
Like, did he have a car?
So he's the guy who...
How shall I say this like a gentleman?
Robin, did he take your maple leaf?
No, it wasn't like that.
Sounds to me like he gave you your first "O, Canada!" face.
NARROR: This went on for a really long time.
Some of them jokes were elegant and well-crafted...
Wait, wait. Did he break up with you
and tell you he's just not that Inuit?
...others were crude, and ill-formed...
Um, something about fur trapping.
NARRATOR: ...and others were obvious, but needed to be said...
Did you ride his Zamboni?
Oh! Come on! Oh!
(laughter)
Wait, wait, wait. Did he...?
I think I'm out.
Yeah, I'm also "oot."
Okay, now I'm really out.
Well, I'm sorry, guys. It was all very tame.
We only dated for a week and a half.
Wha...? I thought you said you were together all summer.
Yeah. Summer in Canada is pretty much the last week of July.
Anyway, one night,
his band just finish playing this gig...
(panting)
Oh, my God! Simon.
That was such a good show.
You guys totally rocked out.
Yeah.
I know.
I figure we're about four or five gigs away
from really exploding.
We're gonna be big, babe.
I mean, like Crash-Test-Dummies big.
So, that everything?
Yeah.
All right.
Listen, babe...
It's over.
What?
I'm getting back together with Louise Marsh.
Louise Marsh?!
That's a whore's name if I ever heard one.
Yeah, why would he want to get back together with Louise Marsh?
Well, the thing is...
her folks just put in a pool.
Oh... So...
I totally... I get it.
Pools are great.
Swimming's awesome.
We have a sprinkler.
Run right through it.
Well, I should go.
Uh...
Babe, wait.
Yeah, Simon?
You forgot to load the drum set.
No!
Tell me you did not load the drum set.
(drums feet): I did.
(all groaning)
And now he's coming here?
Robin, why do you want to see this guy?
Oh! I know why.
You're gonna win, aren't you?
I have no idea what you' talking about.
Yes, you do.
Whenever you haven't seen someone for a long time,
no matter how much you want to deny it,
there's always a clear winner and a clear loser.
Well, since you brought it up,
let's add up the points.
You're starting out with two big ones right there.
Thank you.
Okay. So, Simon still lives with his mom.
Point Robin.
Um, he never became
a rock star.
Point Robin.
He now works at a water slide park outside of Ottawa.
Point Simon.
Wait. Do they have a wave pool?
No.
Ah. Point Robin. That's five-zip.
There's no coming back from that.
Yeah, he's going down.
I mean, unless somehow, he got hotter.
There he is.
And sure enough, there was a clear winner,
and a clear loser.
It just wasn't clear to everybody.
Hey, babe.
(giggling): Oh, my God.
Okay, what the hell just happened?
Oh, come on, it wasn't so bad, was it?
(others groan)
Hey, Simon.
Wow, look at you.
You got old.
ROBIN: Yeah.
You look great.
You got hotter,
like that's possible.
(giggles)
So...
Look, I know it didn't go as planned,
but I can't help it.
I mean...
he's still got it.
Whoa! Four bucks for a brew?
What a rip.
Good think I'm packing.
(giggles)
So he's not a snob.
He's from a different part
of Canada, you know?
The maple leaf flag on the back of the pickup truck?
He's Red Province.
He's from the Deep North.
The thing is,
we gave you so many opportunities.
So, Simon,
Robin's a bit of a local celebrity here in New York.
She's the lead anchor at Metro News One.
Tell him, Robin.
No. It's stupid.
It's not cool, like Simon's shirt.
I'm sorry, Simon.
Here we are nattering on about our big celebrity.
What do you do for a living?
Oh, I work at the Splish Splash Ottawa Water Slide Park.
Huh! A water slide park.
That sure is different than what Robin does.
Yeah, it is... because I save lives.
If I'm not sitting in that stool
at the top of the slide, going...
Go...
Go...
Go...
people die.
What, you think it's so easy?
You try it.
Um... (clears throat)... okay.
Go.
You didn't put your hand up; kid just died.
No, I didn't know...
Another kid just went; he died too.
Oh, well, sure. I mean, if I was actually...
Another kid just went; now you've got a pile-up
and Robin's got something to report on the news.
This just in: My friend, Ted, just killed a bunch of kids today.
Well, that's cool.
You got to pay the bills somehow
since your whole music thing didn't really pan out, did it?
Well, it hasn't panned out yet, but the band's still going.
About four or five gigs
away from really exploding.
The Foreskins are still playing?
The Foreskins?
How'd you guys come up with that name?
(sighs) Well, there's four of us,
and we play without shirts.
Babe, seriously.
I know. I'm sorry.
I know. I'm sorry.
But you guys just don't understand.
The fact that he kept the band going-- that's impressive.
I mean, I gave up my musical dream.
Which brings us to the most important piece
of information from tonight.
So, Simon,
how did you guys meet?
Oh, I was in her video.
Starred in it is more like it.
Well, once you win Mr. Teen Winnipeg,
everybody wants a piece of the moneymaker.
I'm sorry. I've seen "Let's Go to the Mall"
about a thousand times, and you, sir, are not in it.
No, I was in the other one.
There's another video?!
Robin, seriously,
just make this easier on yourself
and give us the tape.
No.
All right.
You leave me no choice.
From this moment on,
I will spend every waking minute ching down this tape.
I will not sleep. I will not eat.
My life will be a living hell of search engines
and overseas phone calls,
chasing down something that possibly can't be found.
Okay.
It's just...
It was so hard to watch, Robin.
You're usually so cool.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm sitting next to Simon, and suddenly I'm 16 again.
Oh, it's actually a common thing.
When you're around someone from your past,
you kind of revert back to who you were
when you knew them.
There's not really a name for it, though.
It's called "revertigo."
Yeah, I don't know about "revertigo."
You know who gets really bad revertigo?
(whispers): Lily when she around
her high school friend, Michelle.
Michelle? She sounds hot.
You don't know about Lily and Michelle?
No. What about Lily and Michelle?
Oh, my friend, you are in for a treat.
Hey, Lil? What?
You know, I was just thinking,
we haven't seen your friend Michelle in a while.
Oh, yeah. I'll give her a call, see if she wants to hang out.
Yeah.
What... (stammers) Do they make out?
Better.
Comparable. Comparable.
Whatever. It's over. I lost.
I guess you, uh, you don't get second chance.
I got a second chance.
What happened?
He came by my place tonight...
Simon. What are you doing here?
I just feel like there's some unfinished business
between you and me.
Seeing you now...
has made me realize that breaking up with you
is the biggest mistake I made in my entire life.
Oh, I like where this is going.
I know this is crazy,
and I'm only in town for a couple of days,
but do you want to go on a date?
He asked you out?!
Oh, step into my web, Simon.
The coup de grace.
(a la Mortal Kombat): Finish him!
I'd love to!
Wait. You're going on a date with Simon?
That Simon?The one we met?
Robin, this guy doesn't deserve a second chance.
Not after the way he treated you.
That was ten years ago. People evolve.
I mean, are you the same person that you were in high school?
Oh, hell, no!
I think you're gonna enjoy this.
That my girl Michelle? Bitch, you know it!
How she livin'? She living only way she know how to.
Large!
Oh, girl, you gots to get your drink on up in here.
I'm hoping my t ass can hustle me up a vodka-Gatorade.
For reals.
I want her around all the time.
I'd even consider not trying to sleep with her
if that's what it takes.
Guys, I've decided to seduce Michelle.
(rock music playing)
(laughs)
(song ends)
(Robin whoops)
Yeah! Guys, that was great.
Let's take five.
Hey, babe, did you like it
after my bass solo when I flicked my pick at you?
That rocked.
Yeah.
Uh, 'cause I'm gonna need that pick back.
Oh, uh, sure.
Um, I think it...
It's cool. You'll find it later. Oh, cool.
I wish I didn't have to go to work in the morning.
Oh, but, babe, you got to go to work.
You got to play our demo on your show.
Oh, well, you know, it's not a show.
It's the news.
Right. So you can be, like,
"Hey, did you hear there's some news?
There's a rad band you guys should check out."
And then play it.
Or just, like, the first three songs.
And now it's time for "Puppy Corner,"
some little angels looking for a new home,
courtesy of the Midtown Animal Shelter.
* Murder
* Climb aboard the Murder Train *
* Murder
* Climb aboard the Murder Train... *
Hey, a lot of puppies got adopted.
Of course, a lot of the people calling in thought
we were going to kill them.
Robin, your revertigo is really starting to affect your work.
What's revertigo?
It's a stupid, made-up word with no meaning.
No. It's a phenomenon where,
when you're around people from your past,
you start behaving like them.
Oh. One example of that springs to mind.
I think we all know what it is.
You do?
Yeah. Ted.
Me?
Whenever Ted's friend Punchy comes into town,
it's like, all of a sudden, Ted's in high school again.
TED: Okay, okay.
First of all, his name is Adam Punciarello,
and I don't do that.
(both scoffing)
(knocking, classical music plays)
Ooh. That must be Adam.
'Sup, Punchy? 'Sup, Shmosby?!
You want to go? I'm alrey there!
Come on! This is it!
Dude, seriously, I'm sorry about your dad.
Yeah, it was a real shock.
I can't believe you, of all people, are saying this.
Why?
No reason.
Robin, the point is, what are you doing?
I mean, this guy?
Okay, you want the truth?
Yeah. I like Simon.
I do.
We have fun together.
Oh, we know you do, honey, but we're worried about you.
You're worried?
Okay, hold on.
Is there any version of this conversation
where you guys don't sound like my parents?
I don't know. Is there any version
where you don't sound like a 16-year-old?
That's exactly what my mom would say.
No. If I was your mom, I woulsay,
"We forbid you from seeing this boy."
(scoffs) Lily!
No, I'm sorry, but it's for your own good.
(teary): This is my life!
You guys just don't get it!
You've never felt the way that I feel!
Now, now. We were once young and in love, too.
Yeah, like, a billion years ago.
You've been drinking, haven't you?
Yeah, we all have.
You bought the last round.
You're not going to that show tonight!
Oh, yes, I am, and you know what else?
Tonight, after the show,
Simon and I are going all the way!
(all gasping)
Young lady, get back here!
(teary): Thanks for your help.
Hey, so, today at work...
Not now, Ted!
Geez.
Ooh!
Oh, hey, Simon.
Great show.
You guys still rock.
Yeah.
They totally dug my bass solo.
Man!
Why can't I always feel this alive?!
God, I just love seeing you so happy.
Yeah. (laughs)
About that.
Listen, babe.
It's over. What?
I'm getting back together with Louise Marsh.
(laughing): What?
You're kidding me.
You're breaking up with me?
Again?
F-For the same ex-girlfriend?
In the same van?
What is it?
Her-Her parents got a pool?
Is that still the reason?
Well...
I'm sorry, Robin.
I'm fine, really.
Oh, Robin, I'm gonna tell you for real.
Simon's a dawg.
You feel me, Chelle?
Mm-hmm, for reals.
He a scrub.
Mm. True dat.
I'ma get me my champagne and grape soda on.
So, how's Columbia?
Great!
I'm almost done with my disstation.
Hmm. I'm getting a PhD in behavioral psychology.
Um, can I make an observation?
Oh.
I know.
Whenever I'm around Lily,
she just brings out that side of me.
There's a psychological term for the phenomenon.
Revertigo? No.
Actually, it's associative regression. You see,
the neural pathways that...
*
Oh, no, you did not just
put on my jam!
Oh. Put your hands up, girl!
Holla! Holla!
One by one, we all had to go home.
Soon, it was just Robin.
BARNEY: All right.
I can't find your video.
I've wasted three days tr...
*
What's the matter?
*
Uh... Simon dumped me
in his van after the show.
Yeah, Robin, that was, like, ten years ago.
No, tonight.
Ooh.
(laughing): Really?
Oh! Oh, come here.
(sobbing) Come here.
*
It's just...
when I was young, I was so...
vulnerable and-and open to things, you know?
And... I guess I just... I wanted to feel that way again.
I wanted to be 16 again.
Robin, that is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard come out of your mouth.
You want to be 16 again?
I have watched your first
Robin Sparkles video 1,000 times,
and it's not because I'm proud of you as a friend.
It's because you were totally, totally lame back then.
But now, come on. Pa-cow!
You're the most awesome person I have ever known.
Well, second most awesome.
Right. Of course, the-the first being you.
No.
No. The first is this guy
who lives in a place called the mirror.
(laughs) What up.
Oh.
I'm saying
that you are way more awesome than Simon ever will be.
*
Barney, do you want to come back to my place?
Your place?
*
Are you sure you want to do this?
Yeah. I am.
Let's just not tell anyone about this, okay?
Of course.
So, should I just put it in?
Yeah, why not?
(sighs)
(instrumental intro to pop ballad plays)
* Met you at the mall...
This was my big artistic follow-up
to"Let's Go to the Mall."
It kind of tanked.
* My friends said I was a fool
You're a fool. Shut up!
Is that Tiffany? Mm-hmm.
* 'Cause you were older and got kicked out of school *
You are so rad.
* Together we we gonna travel the globe *
* From Alberta to Ontario
It's everything I want it to be and more.
Oh, I'm so glad. Mm-hmm.
* And now I'm building sandcastles in the sand *
* Sandcastles in the sand *
* Thought I could fly when you held my hand *
* Thought I could fly *
But now...
* Eternity returns to black and white... *
Is that Alan Thicke?
Yeah.
* It was the greatest week and a half *
* Of my life
* We used to go to the beach
You know, if you reedit it,
there's a tampon commercial in here somewhere.
* On our favorite bench
* We'd sit and talk and you taught me to french *
* You're good at...
Do you seem how lame you were back then?
Yeah, you're right. I was lame.
Totally lame. Ugh.
* ...so unfair...
ROBOT: You don't understand about love.
And, of course, the robot makes an appearance
in the sad love ballad.
He was my sidekick. He had to be.
And so they watched it again.
* Come back, please
* I've changed my mind
* Let's go all the way
I love you.
Let's do it.
I miss you.
And again.
* Sandcastles may be cute
I'm on the pill now.
And again.
* But now all they do is remind me of you... *
They watched it over and over that night until finally,
they stopped watching.
How I Met Your Mother S03E15 - The Chain Of Screaming
Kids,the spring of 2008 was a pretty great time for me
Stella and I had started dating,
And I'd just gotten a big raise at work,
So I decided to purchase something I knew
Would be the envy of all my friends.
A new car!
Ted, this is new york city-- you're never gonna drive it.
This is a really, really stupid purchase,
And I'm sorry, but none of us can support it.
Shotgun for eternity!
You can't call shotgun for eternity.
I just called it.
You can't just call things, barney.
I call that I can call things!
hey, baby.
Beer.
Are you okay?
Beer.
Okay, what happened?
They always told me that working at a big law firm
Was like being at war.
You get out of law school,
It's like getting out of boot camp.
That first day at work, you're storming the beaches,
Full of piss and vinegar...
Dude, we're lawyers now.
Totally.
We've got briefcases and everything.
Freakin' briefcases.
You have anything in yours?
Totally empty. you?
Candy bars.
Then you get in the trenches side by side with your buddies
And you feel a sense of camaraderie.
But before too long...
Hey, marshall.
...the shells start to fall.
Hello, arthur.
Arthur hobbes is one of the senior partners
At my firm, and he's... he's my boss.
He seems like a nice guy,
But he's got a nickname...
Artillery arthur.
How's your morning going?
It's going fine-- how is yours?
Not too bad, not too bad.
Hey, is ferguson in yet?
He is, he's in... just in his office next door.
That's great-- have a good one, buddy.
You, too.
You never know who's gonna get hit...
Hey, ferguson!
I read your report, and it's complete crap!
No, you know what? that's an insult to crap.
If crap could eat and then crap stuff out, it's that!
Your report is the crap that crap craps!
If you last two more days here, I'll be shocked!
Shocked!
It was brutal,
But the worst was a few minutes later.
Did you hear that?
Yeah, sorry.
Can you believe he did that
On take your daughter to work day?
So that brings us to today.
Oh, no.
A little background.
So I'm working on this report
Called "using 23-b-3 spurious class action precedent
"to contest a class certification order
Based on a lack of commonality, numerosity..."
Dude, you lost us.
Can't you just call it something cool
Like "the ninja report"?
Okay. yeah, fine, whatever.
Um, so I'm supposed
To turn in "the ninja report" yesterday.
-Awesome. -wow. cool.
But I got insanely busy with other stuff,
I didn't get a chance to finish it,
And then this morning...
-Hey, ferguson. -hey, arthur.
How's your day going?
-I gotta go. -great. how is yours?
Great, great-- hey, is marshall in yet?
Oh, thank god.
Yeah, he's right in there.
Fantastic. have a good one, buddy.
And then...
He screamed at me.
Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.
What, that's it?
You're upset because a guy talked loudly near you?
Barney, I have never been screamed at
Like that in my life.
Come on, when's the last time you got screamed at at work?
I got screamed at three times today.
Once in korean.
This is corporate america, marshall.
Screaming is a motivational tool,
Like christmas bonuses or sexual harassment.
It's just good business.
Oh, baby, it's just not fair.
You've been working so hard.
Late nights, weekends.
I never see you.
We've barely made love in weeks.
It's bad, guys,mama needs her sugar.
Look, marshall, he screamed at you, you took it.
He probably respects you more for it.
Yeah, about that...
So arthur's busy giving me the full screaming treatment...
Face turning red,
Vein in his forehead about to burst,
Spittle flying like shrapnel.
Everyone you work with walking by your office,
Peering in.
And suddenly, I just felt all of it.
All of what?
All of it.
The fact that I became a lawyer to save the environment,
And now I'm working for the bad guys instead.
The fact that I am stuck in this job
Because of a mortgage I can barely afford
On an apartment that is crooked.
The fact that I am a grown man,
and nobody, not even artillery arthur,
Has the right to talk to me like that!
I begged my body not to do it.
But it was no use.
I just... I just...
Just because you weren't around for this,
I called shotgun for all eternity in ted's car.
dude I can't believe you cried in front of your boss.
I don't know what happened.
There's just something about being yelled at like that,
Like I was being scolded by my dad.
Suddenly... suddenly I was a little boy.
Is "boy" the right word?
I felt absolutely powerless.
Flaccid-- hell, i... I felt castrated.
God, you're hot right now.
And the worst thing is, tomorrow morning I have to walk
Into arthur's office and give him the ninja report.
Ooh. ooh. ninjas are cool.
How the hell am I supposed to face this guy again?
Here's what I would do if I were you.
Hi, arthur.
Hello, marshall.
Have you finally finished the ninja report?
Yeah, I got it.
Right here.
I think it's gonna blow you away.
Please, I have a family.
So we good?
We're so good.
Then why are you still in my office?
Okay, gun violence might be the answer to everything
Up in canada, robin,
But here in america, we solve our problems with words.
Marshall, you go in and you dazzle this guy
With a big eloquent speech defending human dignity.
Like abraham lincoln.
Yeah, because it's so easy just to bust out a big,
Eloquent speech off the top of your head.
Observe.
Arthur?
What do you want, marshall?
Justice, sir.
You see, we are all born with certain incontrovertible rights,
The most fundamentally paramount of which
Is the right...
Wait, you can't be fundamentally paramount.
One means highest, one means lowest.
You are nailing this.
Human beings have rights,
And those rights are, um...
You got me hooked, reel me in.
There are certain justices
That cannot or will not
Be inalienable... as such...
For the future.
Stuck the landing-- bravo!
Thank you.
Security's gonna rough you up a bit on t way out.
Guys, guys, this is not helping, okay?
I can't have some big confrontation with arthur.
I need this job, i... I need the money.
Yeah, but how good would it feel to walk in there tomorrow,
Tell him off and then quit?
It's great to fantasize about,
But nobody ever actually does it.
Gary blauman did it.
Guy I used to work with, the guy's a legend now.
We were at the morning meeting
and old blauman was getting reamed out but good.
Pretty much routine
At the morning meeting, but then,
On this particular day, something amazing happened.
You made yourself look bad,
You made this company look bad, and quite frankly,
You made our friends, the north koreans, look bad!
And I'll tell you something else,
Blauman, if you think for one moment...
You know what, bilson?
You can kiss my ass.
Oh, snap.
-What? -you heard me.
I don't need to take your crap anymore.
My cousin's website went public today,
And I made a pile of money on the ipo,
so you know what I think Of this whole damn company?
Oh, my god.
He peed on the conference table?
Come on, come on, come on,
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Uh, look, could you guys just look away for a second
Till I get started?
Come on.
Come on.
Does this help?
W ur eventually, he just gave up and left.
And then his cousin's website tanked.
And then he became a janitor at an old folks' home
And moved into a one-room apartment above a bowling alley.
That's it? that's the end of the story?
No, no, of course not-- he died.
How does that help me?
How does any of this help me?
Can somebody, for god's sakes,
Please give me one piece of useful advice?
Lily, control your woman.
The lesson of blauman is that when your boss
Screams at you, you never scream back.
That's why there's a little thing in corporate america
I like to call the chain of screaming.
-Chain of screaming? -yes.
The chain of screaming starts at the top.
Arthur's boss's boss screams at arthur's boss.
Arthur's boss screams at arthur.
Arthur screams at you.
You go home and scream at lily.
Lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class.
Then that kid screams at her dad,
Arthur's boss's boss.
And the whole thing starts all over again,
Thus completing the circle of screaming.
I thought it was a chain of screaming.
It's a circle, ted, I called it a circle.
I don't scream at lily.
And I don't scream at my kids,
None of whom have parents who work at marshall's firm.
So it's not a circle.
Fine-- you want it to be a chain of screaming,
It's a chain of screaming.
I came up with the circle idea halfway through,
Cause I thought it was a more elegant metaphor,
But fine, ruin it!
You guys always undermine me
When I'm trying to make a point, and I'm sick of it!
God, I'm surrounded by idiots!
Idiots!
See, doesn't everyone feel better now?
Lily, I need your take on this.
What... what should I do?
Well, what I teach my kids in kindergarten...
Oh, god.
Kt.is, when dealing with a bully, the most important thing
Is to be constructive and positive.
Hello, arthur.
Hello, marshall.
I have the ninja report right here.
But arthur,
In the future, if you want someone to do their best work,
Try to motivate them, not with fear and intimidation,
But through encouragement, inspiration and respect.
Well said, marshall-- I needed to hear that.
By the way,
I saw your wife's picture in your office.
That is one tasty slice.
Oh, you're damn right.
You know what I'm gonna do when I get home?
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna rip that girl's clothes off...
That's it.
...just throw her on the bed...
That's where she belongs.
...and drive her home like a pack of sled dogs!
It's bad, guys.
Mama needs it bad.
You're right, baby, it's about respect.
That is the first useful thing anyone's said to me tonight.
Can you give me that speech again?
I'm gonna drive her home like a pack of...
No, the other part, please.
I have the ninja report right here, but...
And it seemed like that was the end of it,
But it wasn't, because the next night...
Which of these carpets would look better
In the new apartment?
I like the color of this one, but this one's so soft.
It would feel great on your bare feet...
...or your bare back, a bead of eager sweat
Rolling down
Your trembling bosom.
Lily, didn't we just go through this with bathroom tiles?
Shh, don't say my name.
Lily can't know it's me.
Just pretend you're talking to stella.
Be all lovey dovey.
Hey, stella.
Sweetie, how's it going?
Not good, not good at all.
Where are you right now?
Right downstairs, come find me.
Without lily.
Okay, I'll see you soon.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Wow, you two are already saying the "l" word, huh?
Apparently.
You hitting that?
I'm in trouble, ted.
Ted, I'm freakin' out, man.
Um... it's a new car, so just be careful...
I did something stupid-- can we just drive somewhere?
I need to get away-- just drive, man.
Please just drive.
It's just, this is a really good parking spot.
Dude!
Look, just tell me what happened first.
Remember how I said I was gonna give that big speech
That lily told me to give, be firm but respectful?
Well, it didn't totally go that way.
There is a lot of ketchup on that burger.
Sorry-- what happened?
After we all finished talking last night,
I went to the diner to finish working on the ninja report.
Hey, marshall.
How long have you been sitting there?
If you go in there with lily's kindergarten nonsense,
You're gonna get torn apart.
I'm here to save your life-- you hungry?
Yeah, I was just about to order.
What do you want?
A blt and gravy fries.
Okay, friends, what do you like?
A green tea with lemon for me,
And for my friend here, the meatloaf, please.
Very good.
No, I didn't want meatloaf.
Marshall, the chain of screaming is a real thing.
Arthur screamed at you-- now you have to scream at someone else.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do, or else that anger is gonna eat you alive.
Who would I even scream at?
I don't know.
How about somebody who's disappointed you?
Someone who's let you down.
Someone who's gonna bring you meatloaf
When you explicitly ordered a blt and gravy fries.
No.
Hey, I was just heading to the bar.
What are you guys doing out here?
Oh, I was just telling ted a story.
Ooh, I like stories.
You want a lick?
-What? -is that ice cream cone big enough?
Uh, it's delicious enough.
Okay, so...
Then I say to barney...
I'm not gonna scream at the waiter, barney.
Yes, you are.
That waiter is every boss and every bully
Who ever embarrassed or belittled you.
And how dare he deny you
The one thing that you want,
That would make you happy at this moment.
A blt and gravy fries.
One green tea with lemon, one meatloaf.
Enjoy, my friends.
Marshall.
Excuse me?
Yes?
This is not what I ordered.
Yes, it is.
I beg your pardon, sir,
But I ordered a blt and gravy fries,
And as the customer, I'm always right, so...
No, no, I am not going to stand here and take this!
I am at the end of a triple shift-- that's 18 hours!--
And then I have
To take two trains and a bus to astoria
To have my wife scream at me because I'm never home.
No, no, you eat your damn meatloaf!
Hey, what are you guys doing out here?
Oh sweet, can I get a toot?
Uh-uh-- against car rules, it's against car rules!
Oh, ted, relax, it's cuban.
People pay to have their car smell like this.
Well, that's just not true.
Oh, marshall, switch seats with me.
I called shotgun for all eternity.
You can't call shotgun for eternity.
Well, that's funny, cause I did!
It's case by case.
Guys, I'm telling a life-altering story here!
A 20% tip, really, for that waiter?
I don't know, barney, he worked a triple, it just...
If you're not gonna yell at the waiter,
Yell at me.
-What? -yell at me.
I'm not gonna yell at you, barney.
What, you think you're gonna upset me?
Please, give me your best shot.
Okay, fine-- what, you want me to yell at you?
Yeah.
This is me yelling at you, barney.
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly
Landing on a leaf about three blocks away.
This is me yelling at you, barney!
Okay, you got some volume, now give me some content.
Make it hurt.
You don't look as good in suits as you think you do!
No, something that's true-- come on.
The man made you cry.
Make me cry.
Your mom's a slut!
Yes.
Your mom's a slut, and I'm sorry, barney,
But you and your brother clearly have different fathers,
And you know why?
It's probably because your mom is a slutty slut!
Keep going.
I don't care what you say.
Bob barker is not your father!
Okay, now, well, that's just not cool.
Oh my god, barney, I'm so sorry...
No, I'm kidding-- keep going.
Bob barker's not your father!
You've concocted this delusional idea that a game show host
Is your real father, and he's not!
You were abandoned, barney!
You were abandoned, and you never dealt with it,
And so now you never allow yourself
To feel anything, and that's how you survive
In this corporate world, and if I keep heading
Down this path, I'm gonna turn into you!
And I don't want that!
I don't want any of this!
This is not why I became a lawyer.
This is not the person that I wanted to be.
I quit, arthur!
I quit!
Well, thank you, eriksen, I needed to hear that.
Really, 'cause I didn't mean to attack you personally,
It's just that i...
No, no, no, the part where you said, "i quit."
Now we don't have to pay you a severance package.
Uh, security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out.
Robin, you dropped a little ice cream...
-Dude! -dude! -dude!
I'm sorry.
Don't blame this on me, marshall.
I told you to yell at someone beneath you.
The circle of screaming is...
The chain of scr...
Pyramid-- the pyramid of screaming!
The pyramid of screaming.
How am I supposed to tell lily?
She supported me through three years of law school,
And now is the time when I'm supposed to pay her back.
Now we're gonna lose the apartment.
The place where we were gonna raise our children.
How am I supposed to tell the person who I love
More than anything in this world
That I've just thrown away our future?
Everybody out, everybody out of the new car!
Out of the new car!
Ted, screaming never solves anything.
And so marshall finally had to tell lily what happened.
I'm so sorry.
I just lost it.
But I can fix it.
First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna go in there
On my hands and knees and beg for my job back.
No, you're not.
What?
Marshall, our future isn't money or an apartment.
And it's definitely not you being miserable
At that horrible job.
I'm just happy to have my husband back.
We'll figure the rest out.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Ultimately, they were able to make ends meet
Without going bust on the apartment.
You sure about this?
Yeah, who needs a car in new york city, right?
Ted, I don't think I can accept...
Marshall, don't make me scream at you.
Thanks a lot, buddy.
You guys did it in the car, didn't...
Oh, yeah!
Stella and I had started dating,
And I'd just gotten a big raise at work,
So I decided to purchase something I knew
Would be the envy of all my friends.
A new car!
Ted, this is new york city-- you're never gonna drive it.
This is a really, really stupid purchase,
And I'm sorry, but none of us can support it.
Shotgun for eternity!
You can't call shotgun for eternity.
I just called it.
You can't just call things, barney.
I call that I can call things!
hey, baby.
Beer.
Are you okay?
Beer.
Okay, what happened?
They always told me that working at a big law firm
Was like being at war.
You get out of law school,
It's like getting out of boot camp.
That first day at work, you're storming the beaches,
Full of piss and vinegar...
Dude, we're lawyers now.
Totally.
We've got briefcases and everything.
Freakin' briefcases.
You have anything in yours?
Totally empty. you?
Candy bars.
Then you get in the trenches side by side with your buddies
And you feel a sense of camaraderie.
But before too long...
Hey, marshall.
...the shells start to fall.
Hello, arthur.
Arthur hobbes is one of the senior partners
At my firm, and he's... he's my boss.
He seems like a nice guy,
But he's got a nickname...
Artillery arthur.
How's your morning going?
It's going fine-- how is yours?
Not too bad, not too bad.
Hey, is ferguson in yet?
He is, he's in... just in his office next door.
That's great-- have a good one, buddy.
You, too.
You never know who's gonna get hit...
Hey, ferguson!
I read your report, and it's complete crap!
No, you know what? that's an insult to crap.
If crap could eat and then crap stuff out, it's that!
Your report is the crap that crap craps!
If you last two more days here, I'll be shocked!
Shocked!
It was brutal,
But the worst was a few minutes later.
Did you hear that?
Yeah, sorry.
Can you believe he did that
On take your daughter to work day?
So that brings us to today.
Oh, no.
A little background.
So I'm working on this report
Called "using 23-b-3 spurious class action precedent
"to contest a class certification order
Based on a lack of commonality, numerosity..."
Dude, you lost us.
Can't you just call it something cool
Like "the ninja report"?
Okay. yeah, fine, whatever.
Um, so I'm supposed
To turn in "the ninja report" yesterday.
-Awesome. -wow. cool.
But I got insanely busy with other stuff,
I didn't get a chance to finish it,
And then this morning...
-Hey, ferguson. -hey, arthur.
How's your day going?
-I gotta go. -great. how is yours?
Great, great-- hey, is marshall in yet?
Oh, thank god.
Yeah, he's right in there.
Fantastic. have a good one, buddy.
And then...
He screamed at me.
Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.
What, that's it?
You're upset because a guy talked loudly near you?
Barney, I have never been screamed at
Like that in my life.
Come on, when's the last time you got screamed at at work?
I got screamed at three times today.
Once in korean.
This is corporate america, marshall.
Screaming is a motivational tool,
Like christmas bonuses or sexual harassment.
It's just good business.
Oh, baby, it's just not fair.
You've been working so hard.
Late nights, weekends.
I never see you.
We've barely made love in weeks.
It's bad, guys,mama needs her sugar.
Look, marshall, he screamed at you, you took it.
He probably respects you more for it.
Yeah, about that...
So arthur's busy giving me the full screaming treatment...
Face turning red,
Vein in his forehead about to burst,
Spittle flying like shrapnel.
Everyone you work with walking by your office,
Peering in.
And suddenly, I just felt all of it.
All of what?
All of it.
The fact that I became a lawyer to save the environment,
And now I'm working for the bad guys instead.
The fact that I am stuck in this job
Because of a mortgage I can barely afford
On an apartment that is crooked.
The fact that I am a grown man,
and nobody, not even artillery arthur,
Has the right to talk to me like that!
I begged my body not to do it.
But it was no use.
I just... I just...
Just because you weren't around for this,
I called shotgun for all eternity in ted's car.
dude I can't believe you cried in front of your boss.
I don't know what happened.
There's just something about being yelled at like that,
Like I was being scolded by my dad.
Suddenly... suddenly I was a little boy.
Is "boy" the right word?
I felt absolutely powerless.
Flaccid-- hell, i... I felt castrated.
God, you're hot right now.
And the worst thing is, tomorrow morning I have to walk
Into arthur's office and give him the ninja report.
Ooh. ooh. ninjas are cool.
How the hell am I supposed to face this guy again?
Here's what I would do if I were you.
Hi, arthur.
Hello, marshall.
Have you finally finished the ninja report?
Yeah, I got it.
Right here.
I think it's gonna blow you away.
Please, I have a family.
So we good?
We're so good.
Then why are you still in my office?
Okay, gun violence might be the answer to everything
Up in canada, robin,
But here in america, we solve our problems with words.
Marshall, you go in and you dazzle this guy
With a big eloquent speech defending human dignity.
Like abraham lincoln.
Yeah, because it's so easy just to bust out a big,
Eloquent speech off the top of your head.
Observe.
Arthur?
What do you want, marshall?
Justice, sir.
You see, we are all born with certain incontrovertible rights,
The most fundamentally paramount of which
Is the right...
Wait, you can't be fundamentally paramount.
One means highest, one means lowest.
You are nailing this.
Human beings have rights,
And those rights are, um...
You got me hooked, reel me in.
There are certain justices
That cannot or will not
Be inalienable... as such...
For the future.
Stuck the landing-- bravo!
Thank you.
Security's gonna rough you up a bit on t way out.
Guys, guys, this is not helping, okay?
I can't have some big confrontation with arthur.
I need this job, i... I need the money.
Yeah, but how good would it feel to walk in there tomorrow,
Tell him off and then quit?
It's great to fantasize about,
But nobody ever actually does it.
Gary blauman did it.
Guy I used to work with, the guy's a legend now.
We were at the morning meeting
and old blauman was getting reamed out but good.
Pretty much routine
At the morning meeting, but then,
On this particular day, something amazing happened.
You made yourself look bad,
You made this company look bad, and quite frankly,
You made our friends, the north koreans, look bad!
And I'll tell you something else,
Blauman, if you think for one moment...
You know what, bilson?
You can kiss my ass.
Oh, snap.
-What? -you heard me.
I don't need to take your crap anymore.
My cousin's website went public today,
And I made a pile of money on the ipo,
so you know what I think Of this whole damn company?
Oh, my god.
He peed on the conference table?
Come on, come on, come on,
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Uh, look, could you guys just look away for a second
Till I get started?
Come on.
Come on.
Does this help?
W ur eventually, he just gave up and left.
And then his cousin's website tanked.
And then he became a janitor at an old folks' home
And moved into a one-room apartment above a bowling alley.
That's it? that's the end of the story?
No, no, of course not-- he died.
How does that help me?
How does any of this help me?
Can somebody, for god's sakes,
Please give me one piece of useful advice?
Lily, control your woman.
The lesson of blauman is that when your boss
Screams at you, you never scream back.
That's why there's a little thing in corporate america
I like to call the chain of screaming.
-Chain of screaming? -yes.
The chain of screaming starts at the top.
Arthur's boss's boss screams at arthur's boss.
Arthur's boss screams at arthur.
Arthur screams at you.
You go home and scream at lily.
Lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class.
Then that kid screams at her dad,
Arthur's boss's boss.
And the whole thing starts all over again,
Thus completing the circle of screaming.
I thought it was a chain of screaming.
It's a circle, ted, I called it a circle.
I don't scream at lily.
And I don't scream at my kids,
None of whom have parents who work at marshall's firm.
So it's not a circle.
Fine-- you want it to be a chain of screaming,
It's a chain of screaming.
I came up with the circle idea halfway through,
Cause I thought it was a more elegant metaphor,
But fine, ruin it!
You guys always undermine me
When I'm trying to make a point, and I'm sick of it!
God, I'm surrounded by idiots!
Idiots!
See, doesn't everyone feel better now?
Lily, I need your take on this.
What... what should I do?
Well, what I teach my kids in kindergarten...
Oh, god.
Kt.is, when dealing with a bully, the most important thing
Is to be constructive and positive.
Hello, arthur.
Hello, marshall.
I have the ninja report right here.
But arthur,
In the future, if you want someone to do their best work,
Try to motivate them, not with fear and intimidation,
But through encouragement, inspiration and respect.
Well said, marshall-- I needed to hear that.
By the way,
I saw your wife's picture in your office.
That is one tasty slice.
Oh, you're damn right.
You know what I'm gonna do when I get home?
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna rip that girl's clothes off...
That's it.
...just throw her on the bed...
That's where she belongs.
...and drive her home like a pack of sled dogs!
It's bad, guys.
Mama needs it bad.
You're right, baby, it's about respect.
That is the first useful thing anyone's said to me tonight.
Can you give me that speech again?
I'm gonna drive her home like a pack of...
No, the other part, please.
I have the ninja report right here, but...
And it seemed like that was the end of it,
But it wasn't, because the next night...
Which of these carpets would look better
In the new apartment?
I like the color of this one, but this one's so soft.
It would feel great on your bare feet...
...or your bare back, a bead of eager sweat
Rolling down
Your trembling bosom.
Lily, didn't we just go through this with bathroom tiles?
Shh, don't say my name.
Lily can't know it's me.
Just pretend you're talking to stella.
Be all lovey dovey.
Hey, stella.
Sweetie, how's it going?
Not good, not good at all.
Where are you right now?
Right downstairs, come find me.
Without lily.
Okay, I'll see you soon.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Wow, you two are already saying the "l" word, huh?
Apparently.
You hitting that?
I'm in trouble, ted.
Ted, I'm freakin' out, man.
Um... it's a new car, so just be careful...
I did something stupid-- can we just drive somewhere?
I need to get away-- just drive, man.
Please just drive.
It's just, this is a really good parking spot.
Dude!
Look, just tell me what happened first.
Remember how I said I was gonna give that big speech
That lily told me to give, be firm but respectful?
Well, it didn't totally go that way.
There is a lot of ketchup on that burger.
Sorry-- what happened?
After we all finished talking last night,
I went to the diner to finish working on the ninja report.
Hey, marshall.
How long have you been sitting there?
If you go in there with lily's kindergarten nonsense,
You're gonna get torn apart.
I'm here to save your life-- you hungry?
Yeah, I was just about to order.
What do you want?
A blt and gravy fries.
Okay, friends, what do you like?
A green tea with lemon for me,
And for my friend here, the meatloaf, please.
Very good.
No, I didn't want meatloaf.
Marshall, the chain of screaming is a real thing.
Arthur screamed at you-- now you have to scream at someone else.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do, or else that anger is gonna eat you alive.
Who would I even scream at?
I don't know.
How about somebody who's disappointed you?
Someone who's let you down.
Someone who's gonna bring you meatloaf
When you explicitly ordered a blt and gravy fries.
No.
Hey, I was just heading to the bar.
What are you guys doing out here?
Oh, I was just telling ted a story.
Ooh, I like stories.
You want a lick?
-What? -is that ice cream cone big enough?
Uh, it's delicious enough.
Okay, so...
Then I say to barney...
I'm not gonna scream at the waiter, barney.
Yes, you are.
That waiter is every boss and every bully
Who ever embarrassed or belittled you.
And how dare he deny you
The one thing that you want,
That would make you happy at this moment.
A blt and gravy fries.
One green tea with lemon, one meatloaf.
Enjoy, my friends.
Marshall.
Excuse me?
Yes?
This is not what I ordered.
Yes, it is.
I beg your pardon, sir,
But I ordered a blt and gravy fries,
And as the customer, I'm always right, so...
No, no, I am not going to stand here and take this!
I am at the end of a triple shift-- that's 18 hours!--
And then I have
To take two trains and a bus to astoria
To have my wife scream at me because I'm never home.
No, no, you eat your damn meatloaf!
Hey, what are you guys doing out here?
Oh sweet, can I get a toot?
Uh-uh-- against car rules, it's against car rules!
Oh, ted, relax, it's cuban.
People pay to have their car smell like this.
Well, that's just not true.
Oh, marshall, switch seats with me.
I called shotgun for all eternity.
You can't call shotgun for eternity.
Well, that's funny, cause I did!
It's case by case.
Guys, I'm telling a life-altering story here!
A 20% tip, really, for that waiter?
I don't know, barney, he worked a triple, it just...
If you're not gonna yell at the waiter,
Yell at me.
-What? -yell at me.
I'm not gonna yell at you, barney.
What, you think you're gonna upset me?
Please, give me your best shot.
Okay, fine-- what, you want me to yell at you?
Yeah.
This is me yelling at you, barney.
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly
Landing on a leaf about three blocks away.
This is me yelling at you, barney!
Okay, you got some volume, now give me some content.
Make it hurt.
You don't look as good in suits as you think you do!
No, something that's true-- come on.
The man made you cry.
Make me cry.
Your mom's a slut!
Yes.
Your mom's a slut, and I'm sorry, barney,
But you and your brother clearly have different fathers,
And you know why?
It's probably because your mom is a slutty slut!
Keep going.
I don't care what you say.
Bob barker is not your father!
Okay, now, well, that's just not cool.
Oh my god, barney, I'm so sorry...
No, I'm kidding-- keep going.
Bob barker's not your father!
You've concocted this delusional idea that a game show host
Is your real father, and he's not!
You were abandoned, barney!
You were abandoned, and you never dealt with it,
And so now you never allow yourself
To feel anything, and that's how you survive
In this corporate world, and if I keep heading
Down this path, I'm gonna turn into you!
And I don't want that!
I don't want any of this!
This is not why I became a lawyer.
This is not the person that I wanted to be.
I quit, arthur!
I quit!
Well, thank you, eriksen, I needed to hear that.
Really, 'cause I didn't mean to attack you personally,
It's just that i...
No, no, no, the part where you said, "i quit."
Now we don't have to pay you a severance package.
Uh, security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out.
Robin, you dropped a little ice cream...
-Dude! -dude! -dude!
I'm sorry.
Don't blame this on me, marshall.
I told you to yell at someone beneath you.
The circle of screaming is...
The chain of scr...
Pyramid-- the pyramid of screaming!
The pyramid of screaming.
How am I supposed to tell lily?
She supported me through three years of law school,
And now is the time when I'm supposed to pay her back.
Now we're gonna lose the apartment.
The place where we were gonna raise our children.
How am I supposed to tell the person who I love
More than anything in this world
That I've just thrown away our future?
Everybody out, everybody out of the new car!
Out of the new car!
Ted, screaming never solves anything.
And so marshall finally had to tell lily what happened.
I'm so sorry.
I just lost it.
But I can fix it.
First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna go in there
On my hands and knees and beg for my job back.
No, you're not.
What?
Marshall, our future isn't money or an apartment.
And it's definitely not you being miserable
At that horrible job.
I'm just happy to have my husband back.
We'll figure the rest out.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Ultimately, they were able to make ends meet
Without going bust on the apartment.
You sure about this?
Yeah, who needs a car in new york city, right?
Ted, I don't think I can accept...
Marshall, don't make me scream at you.
Thanks a lot, buddy.
You guys did it in the car, didn't...
Oh, yeah!
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