How I Met Your Mother - S04E01 - Do I Know You

Kids, here's something
I wish my dad had told me.
The longest pause you will
ever experience in your life
<i>is the one that follows
asking the question...
Will you marry me?
<i>Your brain goes into overdrive,
imagining every possible response.
No.
Oh, God, no.
You want me to marry... No.
I'm sorry, Ted. I can't.
Mark Johnson, the quarterback
from your high-school football team,
already asked me.
- What's up, Turd?
- It's Ted!
<i>But if you're lucky,
<i>she may answer with the single
greatest word in the English language.
Yes.
<i>Stella and I spent that summer
happily engaged.
<i>Marshall was still coping
with unemployment.
What are you doing?
<i>Lily threw herself into her painting.
What are you doing?
<i>Barney was rehabilitating
from his bus accident.
What are you doing?
<i>And, well, Marshall just kept
coping with unemployment.
What are you doing?
<i>And Robin continued to uphold
<i>the high journalistic standards
of Metro News 1.
Is your favorite brand of dental floss
poisoning your entire family?
Tune in at 11:00 for the shocking tooth.
Okay, I officially hate my job.
I'm not a reporter, I'm just someone
who shows up at night and scares people.
I'm the boogeyman with a teleprompter.
"Boogeyman with a teleprompter. "
That's hilarious!
Great joke, Robin, great joke.
Barney, no offense to Robin,
but that wasn't that funny.
Are you kidding? That was a great joke.
It's smart, funny, beautiful,
it's the whole package.
It's everything
you're afraid to let yourself want.
In a joke.
"Boogeyman with a teleprompter. "
That's classic.
Okay, what is so urgent
that you called me and begged me
to come over at 7:22 in the morning?
I could tell you knew something
was up with me, and you're right.
But I can't tell you what it is.
I should tell you, but I can't!
I have to. I never will!
I'm going to. Let's just drop it.
What's up with you?
Barney, just say it.
I think I'm in love with Robin.
Hey, Lily needs some gift ideas
for Stella's wedding shower.
Does she like to cook?
- Actually, I don't know.
- What's her favorite color?
- Don't know that, either.
- Well, does she have any hobbies?
Yes, she's exactly the kind of person
who would have hobbies.
And interests, too.
I am one lucky son of a bitch.
Dude, you don't know anything
about the woman you're marrying.
- What? You're crazy! I know plenty.
- What color are her eyes?
- The color of the ocean after a storm.
- Which is?
Beautiful.
I don't believe it.
I thought you called me over here
to uncuff you from your sex swing again,
but you're in love? That is so sweet!
It's not sweet. It's like a disease.
I slept with Robin one time
and I caught feelings.
I caught feelings bad.
I used protection and everything.
Barney, you don't catch feelings,
you just have them. And they're good.
They're terrible! I can't eat, I can't sleep.
She's all I think about.
I close my eyes, I see Robin.
- I... I hear a song, it reminds me of Robin.
- Morning.
I sleep with that chick,
I'm thinking about Robin.
Okay, so I don't know every single detail
about Stella.
What's this really about?
Do you not like her or something?
No, Ted, I like Stella a lot.
- She's a Mets fan.
- Really?
It's just that everything with you guys
has moved so fast.
You've only known each other
a few months.
Don't you think maybe you should
slow things down a little bit?
Get to know each other better?
I'll have a whole lifetime
to get to know her better.
Right now, I know the one thing
that I have to, that I love her.
You love her?
Barney, how can you be in love
and still be sleeping with
anything that moves?
I'm sorry, I don't follow you.
That's like saying, "How can an ant
carry 20 times its body weight,
"but root beer floats are still delicious?"
Are the two even related? Really?
Ow!
Barney, you're going to have
to stop screwing around
if you want to be Robin's boyfriend.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Boyfriend?
I don't want to be Robin's "boyfriend. "
Well, what do you want, then?
I don't know. I just want to be with her.
All the time.
I want to hear about her day
and tell her about mine.
I want to hold her hand and smell her hair.
But I don't want to be her stupid boyfriend.
Barney, what you just described
is a relationship
between a boyfriend and a girlfriend.
And a pretty clingy one at that.
Look, Lily, are you going
to help me out with this or not?
I'm a kindergarten teacher.
I see a confused little kid in the corner
trying to eat the lefty scissors,
I gotta help the poor little bastard.
But only if you stop sleeping around. Deal?
Deal.
Coming up next,
is your local ice-cream man actually
driving a roving meth lab on wheels?
Stay tuned for the full scoop.
Really?
- Uh-huh?
- Mmm.
I know dudes think it's girlie
for a guy to cook, but us ladies?
- We find it mighty sexy.
- Really?
You know, my grandma taught me how.
- Oh, yeah, she did.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I had a lot of time after school
to watch her cook,
- because I wasn't good at sports.
- I'm on fire right now.
Delicious. What's in this pesto?
You know, the usual. Basil, garlic, olive oil.
But can you guess my secret ingredient?
- Peanuts.
- Yes. How did you know that?
- Okay, let me think. What else?
- You know what, sweetie?
I woke up so early,
and I had a really long day at work.
And then there was that whole thing
where you tried to kill me.
Can we please just go to sleep?
No, I clearly need to know more about you.
- Let's do firsts. First kiss?
- Dale Harris, second grade.
Wait, you're talking like peck on the cheek
or a full-on passionate making out?
- Passionate making out.
- Okay, yeah, Dale Harris, second grade.
First time you had sex.
- Dale Harris, second...
- Stop it.
- Billy Devito, sophomore year of college.
- Prude.
Molly McKenzie, junior year of high school.
Slut.
Robin just needs
to see this new side of you.
- So just call her up?
- Just call her up.
It's...
- She wasn't there. I left a voice mail.
- You left a voice, but it wasn't male.
Barney, I don't get it. You've called
a million girls a million times.
Yeah, but those were just booty calls.
On a booty call,
you barely even have to talk.
<i>Around 9:00 p. m., you say...
Hey, baby, it's Barney. You busy tonight?
Sweet. See you in half an hour?
Can't wait.
<i>But the later it gets,
the fewer words you need.
Barney. Busy? Sweet.
<i>And by 3:00 in the morning...
Sweet.
A question mark?
You got laid off a question mark?
Ow!
Hey! It's no worse than
your super-obvious code words.
- Rhinoceros.
- We have to go.
Great. Now we need a new code word.
It's her, it's Robin. What do I do?
No, no, no, no...
Robin, great to hear from you.
To what do I owe the pleasure?
You called, went...
and hung up. What do you want?
Help me!
Just ask her something.
- How are you feeling today?
- Fine.
Something personal.
At what age did you first get your period?
- Did you just ask me about my period?
- No, I did not.
Look, Barney, I'm at work right now.
Just ask her out.
Robin, I was wondering if...
Nothing. Gotta go. Bye.
Ha, ha, ha.
That was just a practical joke.
I'm not really in love with Robin.
You should've seen the look on your face.
There's cameras right there
and there and there.
What a legendary prank
that we're never going to speak of again.
Gross.
<i>- First movie you ever saw.
- Benji, 1981.
I watched it recently with Lucy
and I just thought,
"That dog is so dead right now. "
What about you?
<i>My dad took me to an old drive-in
to see the original Star Wars.
<i>You know,
I've actually never seen Star Wars.
<i>She's never seen Star Wars?
<i>Ted, the only people in the universe
who haven't seen Star Wars
<i>are the characters in Star Wars,
and that's 'cause they lived them, Ted!
<i>- That's 'cause they lived the Star Wars.
- You gotta calm down.
I told you. I told you
you didn't know this girl well enough.
What if you show it to her
and she doesn't like it?
Dude, it's just a movie.
<i>Ted, Star Wars is your
all-time favorite movie,
and whether or not Stella likes it
is actually important.
It's a test
of how compatible you guys are.
Marshall, it's just a movie.
It's just a movie.
Okay, if Stella doesn't like this movie,
- I can't marry her.
- No, you can't.
- Want to watch it again?
- Yes, I do.
Wait, where are the boys?
I thought this was a group thing.
Yeah, I lied.
They're not coming and I'm about to leave.
Why?
Because they're not in love with Robin,
and neither am I.
I mean, she's great and sweet.
I'm not gonna pretend
that I haven't noticed her body,
but this is off-topic. Good luck.
Wait, wait, I can't do this.
She'll never take me seriously.
She thinks I'm some womanizing idiot.
Hey. We both know you're more than that.
Okay, just show Robin
the Barney I met the other day.
You mean the insecure,
touchy-feely she-male
- who sounded alarmingly close to Ted?
- Hey, Ted hit that for over a year.
Wish me luck.
I just thought it'd be fun
to watch a movie tonight,
<i>and since you've never seen Star Wars,
I figured, why not? No big deal.
- It's pretty good.
- Sounds like a plan.
Hey, I'm just gonna grab a beer.
You want one?
The movie's already started, so...
Yeah, it's just some words
flying through space.
- I mean, I'm not going to read that anyway.
- Oh, my God.
- Off to a bad start.
- What are you doing down there?
I'm making sure my best friend
is marrying the right woman.
That's what I'm doing.
Dude, what the hell are you doing,
hiding behind the couch?
You need to get a job.
- I really do, don't I?
- Yeah.
So, Robin, tell me about your day,
and not just what happened,
how you felt about what happened.
What?
I'm not looking to problem-solve,
I'm just looking to listen.
- Why are you acting like this?
- Like what?
You're being super-nice.
It's freaking me out.
Be gross, be inappropriate. Be Barney.
I'm being Barney,
and I think tonight's going
to be de... Wait for it... lightful.
- Delightful.
- Right.
Hey, so I went
to the chiropractor yesterday.
That guy bent me over the table
and pounded me for a good hour.
Is insurance gonna cover that?
Sometimes they don't.
That's it? Okay.
Well, today I was at the dentist.
That guy drilled me all day long.
He drilled me hard.
He filled all of my cavities.
- Come on, man.
- Well, your teeth look fantastic.
Who are you?
What?
Nothing.
You were staring at me.
You look really beautiful tonight.
You don't look so bad yourself, mister.
Yeah, great scene, great scene.
<i>Star Wars fun fact number seven,
<i>George Lucas based the film's structure
on Akira Kurosawa's The Hidden Fortress.
He also owes a debt to Joseph Campbell's
work with comparative mythology.
Yeah, Ted, I'm losing wood over here.
What's going on?
Nothing.
Wait, it's really important to you
that I like this movie, isn't it?
No.
Well, I'm not gonna like it
with you staring at me the whole time.
Go to your room
and I will come get you when it's over.
- Stella...
- Go.
Should I leave, too?
What part? What part? What part?
Thanks.
Nothing? Not even a glance?
I mean, even I was thinking about
rocking a motorboat on those bad boys.
What the hell is wrong with you, Barney?
I don't always want to be that guy.
Sometimes I want to be someone
you can have an actual conversation with.
Now, tell me something about you
that I don't know yet.
Seriously.
Okay.
There's a job opening at a new cable
network that would be perfect for me.
Completely legit world news,
interviews with people who matter...
But I decided I'm not going to apply.
- Why not?
- Because I'm a joke.
I'm just the scary news lady
from some stupid local news channel.
Hey, we both know you're more than that.
Promise me you'll apply.
- Barney, it's not as easy...
- Promise me you'll apply.
Okay. I promise.
Okay, she's up to the scene
where Luke, Leia, Han and Chewie escape
from the Death Star's trash compactor.
- Great scene.
- Great scene.
Okay, we should have just heard...
But Stella didn't make a peep.
- I'm gonna take a look.
- All right.
She's not even watching. She's texting.
- I'll tell her you still want to be friends.
- I don't believe this. I believe...
She knows this is important to me.
She's blatantly...
"Stop watching me, jackasses. "
- To taking chances.
- To taking chances.
You know, Robin,
there's actually something
I do want to talk to you about.
- Last call.
- Of course it is.
- One more for the road?
- Yeah, why not? Hold that thought?
I will.
- I loved it.
- Yes!
<i>Yes, I am marrying a woman
who is not only hot but loves Star Wars.
That's the dream. Yes!
What was that?
I was high-fiving 15-year-old me
through the space-time continuum.
We did it.
We did it, you masturbating little bastard.
Champagne for everybody.
It was so good.
- You hated it, didn't you?
- It's so stupid.
I mean, first of all,
how do they understand that walking bear
they hang around with all the time?
- Wookiee.
- Yeah, he goes...
And they're all like,
"That's a good point, Bear, let's try that. "
Okay, he's a Wookiee, and his kind is
actually more intelligent than they appear.
Look, Stella, that is Ted's favorite movie
of all time.
He watches it when he's home,
sick with the flu.
He watches it on rainy Sunday afternoons
in the fall.
He watches it on Christmas Eve.
<i>Ted watches Star Wars
in sickness and in health,
in good times and in bad.
Do you really think that you can pretend
to like a movie that you actually hate
for the rest of your life?
I do.
Well, then, Ted's a lucky guy.
Bear.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- So, here's the deal...
- April, have you met Barney?
- Hi, Barney.
- Hello.
April just finished her shift,
and she's looking to blow off some steam.
Would you excuse us for one sec?
- What are you doing?
- Well, you were so nice to me tonight,
I wanted to return the favor,
wingwoman style.
So, as I was saying, April, Barney
is the Yankees' new second-baseman.
And Barney, April asked if tomorrow,
you could hit a goal for her
during the baseball match.
You can't make this stuff up.
So, you two kids have fun.
So, are you nervous about the game?
Yeah, I'm nervous for the other team,
'cause when I step up to that plate...
Look, April, I am not a New York Yankee.
Any other night, I would probably try
to convince you that I am, but I'm not.
I'm just some guy
who's in love with the girl that just left,
and she's never gonna feel the same way.
So I'm just gonna go.
- And that was it.
- I'm so sorry, Barney.
But you can't give up.
You know, it may take some time,
but once Robin really sees the new you...
Barney, when my family
gets to Yankee Stadium,
are the tickets under your name or mine?
My name, and tell your nephews
to bring their mitts.
- They're going to be in foul-ball country.
- Okay.
Come on. Okay, well,
the Robin stuff was completely true.
Ow!
Damn it, Barney.
I mean, for the last time, you can't,
you can't be in love with Robin
and still be sleeping with
every bimbo on the planet.
You have to choose right now.
- I choose bimbos.
- What?
Hey, Lily, bimbos make me happy.
Bimbos make me feel alive.
Bimbos make me want to pretend
to be a better man.
This whole thing with Robin
was just a fling,
but at the end of the day,
my heart belongs to bimbos.
No, no, this is just a defense mechanism
because you're afraid of getting hurt.
You're just confused.
I'm not confused, Lily.
You know who is confused?
Bimbos. They're easily confused.
It's one of the thousand little things
I love about them.
I love their vacant, trusting stares,
their sluggish, unencumbered minds,
their unresolved daddy issues.
I love them, Lily, and they love me.
Bimbos have always been there for me,
through thick and thin.
Mostly thin. B-man don't do thick crust.
What up?
See you, Barney.
Oh.
- Chimichanga.
- We have to go.