How I Met Your Mother - S04E11 - Little Minnesota

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
It's freezing out there. Where's your coat?
Ted, I'm Canadian. I don't need a coat.
This kind of weather is nothing for me.
Yeah. This is like a spring day
back in Minnesota,
if it weren't for all the taxis
and the skyscrapers and non-white people.
There aren't any black people
in Minnesota?
Not if Prince is on tour.
Well, my sister's plane got in an hour ago,
or as a meteorologist might say,
"Hurricane Heather has just made landfall. "
Come on. She's not that bad.
Here's the back of Heather's baseball card.
It took her six years to graduate
from three different colleges,
during which time she wrecked two cars,
got married for five days,
and lived in a tree for nine weeks,
only to realize that no one had
any intention of cutting it down.
And now,
Heather says she's moving to New York.
- Wow, that's big news.
- She's never gonna go through with it.
Remember a few years back when
she talked about transferring to NYU?
And then,
on the day of the admissions interview...
Heather? Where's my couch and my TV?
I sold them for Nine Inch Nails tickets.
The TV alone is worth two grand.
Well, a last-minute plane ticket
is expensive.
- Wait. Where are you?
- Somewhere in Spain.
Oh! Gotta go. Slow song.
- Oh, crap. It's Barney.
- So?
For all the years
Heather's been visiting New York,
- Ted's never let Barney meet her.
- And I never will.
Every year when the Mosby family
Christmas card shows up...
<i>Pulling down her pants
<i>Yanking off my own
<i>Underneath the mistletoe
I'll make your sister moan
<i>Oh! Heather's hot, Heather's hot
We'll go all the way...
<i>I wish I could see her naked
I wish I could see her naked
<i>I wish I could see her naked
<i>And down on all fours
<i>Ted has a little sister
Gets hotter every day
<i>And if I ever meet her
with her boobies I will play
<i>Everybody! Sister, sister, sister, I...
What? I can celebrate Hanukkah, too.
It's him again. I should probably get it.
<i>- Hey, Barney.
Hey. What's on tap for tonight?
Oh, we're heading over to Marshall and
Lily's for a Kathy Bates movie marathon,
<i>but not Misery. You want to join us?
Oh! He hung up.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey. Great to see you.
Hey, kiddo. You look great.
- How are things back home?
- Well, I moved into your old room.
Did you know that you can see
straight into Mrs. Gottwald's bedroom
across the street?
Oh, yes. I am aware of that.
- How's she looking?
- Ted, she's 62.
- Answer the question.
- Surprisingly perky.
Mmm.
Man, it is cold out there.
Why, hello.
I've been waiting for you.
Wait a second. That's not our chair.
Did you bring that chair yourself?
I needed one that swivels.
Heather Mosby.
Barney. Stinson.
How did you even know
Heather was coming into town?
Never tell me anything.
You know I can't keep secrets
around Christmas.
Robin's giving you an iPod.
Ted, can I chat with you for a sec
in the kitchen?
No one touch the chair. It's a rental.
I can't believe you've been hiding
your sister from me all these years.
Do you blame me?
You're like Weird Al Yankovic
if he only wrote Christmas songs
about banging my sister.
Okay. First of all, I'm flattered.
Secondly, they're just jokes.
A bro can joke about another bro's sister.
It doesn't mean I'm ever gonna act on it.
Look, I love my sister,
and as her older brother,
it's my job to protect her
from guys like you.
- You don't trust me, do you?
- No. And I don't trust her, either.
Fine. Great.
I guess I'll just take my chair and go.
Wait. Stop. Come back.
Lily and I are taking Heather out for dinner
on Sunday. Do you want to come?
I already called Hurley's
and added a fourth.
- You really can't tell Lily anything. Jeez.
- No, you can't tell her a thing.
<i>That year, the holidays
<i>were really making
Aunt Robin miss Canada,
<i>so Marshall brought her
to the spot he went
<i>whenever he got homesick for Minnesota.
The Walleye Saloon.
Evening, everybody.
- Marshall!
- Marshall!
Meet Robin.
- Robin!
- Robin!
Go back to drinking.
- Drinking!
- Drinking!
- What's up, Marshall?
- Hey, what's up... Whoa, Bud!
- What's with the hitch in your giddyup?
- I was playing some hockey today.
- Tore up something in my knee.
- Did you go to the hospital?
Nah. I just poured some beer on it.
Can't miss the Vikes game.
- Twin Cities!
- Oh, yeah!
I love the guys here. They're real men.
No hair products or manicures.
- All New York guys are like 10% girl.
- Well, come on. That seems a little unfair.
<i>I'll have the vichyssoise
with just a soupçon of crème fraîche.
Too much dairy and I tend to bloat.
So, I found an apartment today.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And I was hoping you'd have
a little more wine in you
before I asked you this, but...
I need you to co-sign the lease.
Hmm.
Let me think about it.
That means
he's not going to do it.
I could really use your help on this.
- Let's talk about this later, okay?
- Don't hold your breath.
What is it? You don't trust me?
- You're my sister.
- Now he's just stating a fact.
Look, Ted, I am serious
about a career in finance,
but you just keep looking at me
like I'm a 4-year-old
who says she wants to be an astronaut.
I just don't think you have any idea
how tough it is to make it in New York.
Exactly. You need connections.
If only Ted knew someone
who worked at, say,
Goliath National Bank, then... Wait.
What?
I work at Goliath National Bank.
How about that?
All right.
We got two Bemidji Pale Ales
and, who ordered the mini-burgers?
- Me.
- All right.
Nice.
- Oh, my God. Is that Fisherman's Quest?
- Mmm-hmm.
- I used to play FQ all the time back home!
- Oh, yeah? I kind of have high score.
Not to brag,
but I caught a 35-inch northern pike.
The biggest video fish
anyone's ever reeled in.
I mean, freshwater.
A tip of the angler's cap, my friend.
Thank you for bringing me here.
Those are mine.
This is not a good idea.
Heather and Barney, alone in his office?
And I certainly don't want
to be on the hook for her lease.
She is growing up.
You just can't see it yet.
We're talking about a girl who was busted
for shoplifting eight months ago.
Ted, a lot of women
go through a shoplifting phase.
And sure, maybe to this day,
they swipe the occasional smaller item
because it turns them on in a weird way
that they can't quite explain.
But, if it'll make you feel better,
I'll tag along to GNB tomorrow.
I'll say I'm having lunch with Marshall,
but actually,
I'll be spying on her and Barney.
Okay. Okay, I'm good with that.
Heather!
Heather, good luck tomorrow at GNB.
- I'm sure you'll knock them dead.
- And I'll be spying on you guys.
Damn it!
"I'm drinking till I forget the
1999 NFC Championship"?
That game.
The Vikings were two minutes away
from going to the Super Bowl,
when our kicker, who hadn't missed
all year, shanked a field goal,
and we lost in overtime. Damn!
'99 NFC championship game?
- Yeah.
- Damn!
My dad,
who I'd never seen cry my whole life,
wiped away a tear.
He said, "A little part of me just died, son. "
Wow. I love how intense you guys are
about your Vikings.
<i>It's like when we watch
Hockey Night in Canada, when we...
What?
Don't let anyone in here know
that you're not from Minnesota.
Why? What are they gonna do
if they find out I'm from...
Does this look like a Dallas bar to you, pal?
It's weird, but there's something
comforting about being carried like this.
- See you later, buddy!
- Right?
Man, can you believe that guy?
So, Robin, where are you from?
Uh...
Bemidji. Bemidji, Minnesota.
- Go Vikes!
Yeah!
<i>Kids, for what happened next,
I'm gonna jump ahead a couple days.
- Wow! That is a pretty sweet briefcase.
- Hmm.
That's a pretty sweet
security camera, too.
Oh, and there's another one. And a guard.
- I'm planning on paying for it, Ted.
- Yeah. Well, you don't have the job yet.
That door's a push, not a pull.
There you go.
Hey, thanks again
for keeping an eye on her yesterday.
Look, maybe I was wrong. She sounds
like she handled Barney just fine.
Maybe she'll be able to handle New York.
No thanks necessary!
- Why not?
- I have a secret.
No, I don't. Nothing happened.
Something happened.
- What happened?
- Nothing.
After Heather's interview, I went to say hi
to Marshall for a few minutes,
<i>and when I came back...
Oh, my God!
Lily, Lily, before you say or do anything,
I beg you one favor.
- What?
- Get off that. It's Prada.
- I am so sorry.
- I knew it. I knew it all along.
She is still the same irresponsible
train wreck that she always was,
- and when I see Barney...
- You won't say a word.
Ted, Heather begged me not to tell you.
She will hate my guts
if she knows that I blabbed.
Oh, I love that briefcase,
but I can't afford it. You were right, Ted.
- I certainly was.
- See? She didn't get the briefcase.
That's responsible.
And there's almost no way
she had sex with anyone in there.
Turning over a new leaf.
Evening, everybody!
So my dad and I are at
the '99 NFC championship game.
I say evening, everybody.
And when we missed that field goal
and lost...
- Damn!
- Damn! Damn.
My dad,
who I had never seen cry in my entire life,
wiped away a tear and said,
- "A little part of me just died, son. "
- Son?
Oh!
I told it the way I'm gonna tell my son.
If I'm ever lucky enough to have a son,
and name him Rashad Tarkenton.
- Robin, great story.
- Great story!
- But it does sound a little bit familiar.
- I know. They totally ate it up.
- I see what you're doing here.
- What?
I brought you here as a favor
because I felt sorry for you, okay?
And now it's like
you're trying to steal my bar.
You think I'm trying to steal your bar?
- Get out.
- "Get oot"? What, are you Canadian?
- No, I...
- You want to impersonate a Canadian,
just turn off the lights
and get all scared!
- What was that?
- Well, with Canada right across the border,
we Minnesotans sometimes
like to make jokes at your guys' expense,
and they're all
sort of along the same theme.
- That we're afraid of the dark?
- Yeah. For example.
Hey, everyone, how many Canadians
does it take to change a light bulb?
"What? Oh, no, the light bulb's out?
I'm scared!"
That is insane. Why do you think
that Canadians are afraid of the dark?
Well, where does any prejudice
come from, Robin?
A stereotype starts,
then all of a sudden it spreads like wildfire.
Like Asians can't drive,
Scotsmen are cheap,
Brazilians always put on
way too much postage.
I just don't think
this is gonna work out, Robin.
You can't be hanging out with people
who belittle your beloved homeland,
- so I'll walk you out.
- No, wait, I have something to say.
Hey, everybody.
Let me tell you something
about people from Canada.
- Hey, Robin, please don't make a scene.
- Shh!
Do you know why Canadians
never get a birthday wish?
Because they're too afraid
to blow out the candles.
Oh, God, I love it here. God.
I think your prospects at GNB are good.
You've certainly made it clear
you're willing to take any position.
- Are these new coasters?
- Well, I hope you get the job.
Nothing gives me more pleasure
than filling an opening.
I swear to God these coasters are thicker.
- Well, I am willing to bend over backwards.
- Okay, that's it.
I cannot believe
you had sex with my sister.
- You blabbed?
- Do you know what?
This is a new batch of the old coasters.
I'm just gonna confirm that
with the bartender.
And you,
you're mature and responsible now?
Is it mature and responsible to go to your
first big job interview in New York City
and nail a total stranger?
You've always been
immature and irresponsible.
You will always be
immature and irresponsible.
And I wouldn't co-sign
a library card for you, let alone a lease.
- Barney and I didn't have sex.
- Save it. Lily saw you.
Or did she?
<i>You see, Ted, you had so little
faith in Heather and me...
<i>We decided to give you
exactly what you expected of us.
<i>And I knew
we could count on Lily to blab.
Oh, my God.
- What? Why would you do that?
- Because you deserved it.
Ted, you know I'm no saint.
And yes, it's true that time
I drove your mother to the airport...
Well, let's just say
there was a very confusing,
sexually charged moment
in short-term parking,
but I said I would never go
near your sister, and I meant it.
You should have trusted me.
You're so convinced I'm still
some out-of-control teenager,
you missed the fact I grew up.
I'm gonna find a hotel.
I'll get my things later.
Merry Christmas.
Your mom and I kissed.
Better get a move on. You've got five
seconds to catch two more sturgeon.
Hey, we got a possible gill screen.
Forget it.
You can't catch two fish with one hook.
No, but I can catch one fish
and use that fish to catch the other one.
High score! You beat Marshall!
She's Canadian! Robin's Canadian!
She's Canadian.
She's not from Bemidji and she doesn't
know a darn thing about the Vikings.
You're just mad 'cause she got high score.
Robin, in the '99 NFC championship game
- when the Vikings lost...
- Damn!
Oh, damn!
Who was the kicker
who missed the field goal?
Uh...
Uh...
Rashad Tarkenton.
Gary Anderson.
He's now retired.
Owns a fly-fishing business in Canada.
Goodbye, Robin.
No. You know what?
I'm glad you found out
because I'm proud to be Canadian.
We may not have a fancy NFL team
or Prince,
but we invented Trivial Pursuit.
You're welcome, Earth!
Plus in Canada, you can go
to an all-nude strip club and order alcohol.
That's right.
From Moose Jaw to the Bay of Fundy,
you can suck down a 20-ounce Pilsner
while watching some coal miner's
daughter strip down to her pelt.
Jealous?
In Canada,
people don't care where you're from,
as long as you're friendly
and maybe loan them a smoke
or hand over a donut.
I'm proud to be
from the Great White North.
And I wish I was there right now.
And we're not afraid of the dark.
I mean, we don't love it, but who does?
Merry Christmas.
- Ted...
- Look inside.
You just... If you push it towards the...
Not down, towards the middle.
- Don't need your help.
- Got it.
- You signed the lease.
- Yeah. You know why?
Because you trust me
and think it's a great idea?
Because I want to get to know you.
The new you.
Thanks.
By the way, in your new neighborhood,
you really should get
a good solid deadbolt for the door.
If you want. To live.
Hey.
- Hey. Hey.
- Hey.
I'm so sorry for what happened back there.
I acted like a total jerk.
- I shouldn't have said anything.
- No, look, I'm sorry.
That was your place.
I shouldn't have tried to make it mine.
It's just every year at the holidays,
I get homesick.
And so far,
every year I've had a reason to stay.
A boyfriend, a job, or something.
But this year for the first time, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- What?
We all love you, okay?
If you ever moved back to Canada,
we would hop on a plane,
we would track you down,
and after Barney dragged us to a few
of those strip clubs you talked about...
...we would bring you back right here
where you're supposed to be.
It's not New York
without Robin Scherbatsky.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
I just miss it there sometimes.
I wish I could blink my eyes and be back
in Canada for an hour, you know?
I was hoping you would say that.
<i>Once there was this girl who
<i>Wouldn't go and change
with the girls in the change room
How did you find this place?
- Feels like home, right?
- There's one way to find out.
Oh!
Well, sorry there. Didn't see you.
Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
- Okay, sorry about that.
Have a donut on the house.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
Okay, you bumped into him,
and he apologized
and gave you a donut on the house?
Oh, it's just like home.
Sorry! It's gonna be fine! Sorry.
- No one likes the dark.
- Mmm-hmm.
<i>Next up, from Ontario, Marshall Eriksen.
I didn't know you signed up.
What are you gonna sing?
Oh, I think you'll recognize it.
<i>That's okay
I'm going to rock your body anyway
<i>I'm going to rock your body
till Canada Day
<i>Buddy, you can turn off the screen.
We know the lyrics.
<i>- Everybody come and play
- Everybody come and play
<i>- Throw every last care away
- Throw every last care away
<i>- Let's go to the mall today
- Let's go to the mall today