How I Met Your Mother: How I Met Your Mother - S05E01

Kids, on my first day
as a college professor,
there re two things
I didn't know
that I wish did.
The first thing was that your
mother was in that classroom.
The second thing?
Well, to explain tt,
we have to go back
to the beginning of the summer,
when, after a year of wrestling
with their feelings
for each other,
Barney and Robin
finally, well...
Whoo!
Lily, volume.
Use your indoor "whoo. "
Sorry, whoo!
It's jt they kissed!
They're finally a couple.
Oh, my God, you guys!
This is our first double date!
First of millions!
What if our kids
get married?!
Oh, I love this!
Yeah... Lily, listen.
Barney's awesome.
Ron's more than
just awe-"some. "
She's awe-"quite a bit. "
She's awe-"a whole darn lot. "
Wait, what are you saying?
We're just not
feeling it right now.
But we'll totally still
be friends. Oh, yeah.
Is it something I did?
Oh, no, no, no, no, God, no. No, no, no.
Uh-uh.
Lily, it's not you.
It'ss.
Yeah.
It's us.
You understand, right?
Sure, of course.
As long as you're happy,
I'm happy.
We were gonna take
cooking lessons together
and we were gonna go
on camping trips together
and then we were gonna sit
around telling funny stories
about our cooking lessons
and our camping trips.
I know, I know.
(sobbing
So, has the boat sailed
onex tonight or...
After that, the summer
went by way too fast.
Until all of a sudden,
it was the Friday
before my firsday
as a college professor.
Whoa, what's this?
Oh, boy.
It's just a little something
that we got for you
that used to belong to my
favorite professor of all time.
A fedora.
I'm Indiana Jones!
That, my friend,
is the Dominator 8000,
the best bullwhip on the market,
according to my whip guy.
Yeah, I have a whip guy.
You know what we should do?
We should...
Finish ourd rinks, go out
in the alley, and whip stuff.
God, you just get me.
Okay, I should get going.
I got a date.
Oh, are you still
seeing that guy?
Uh, even better,
seeing him naked.
What!
Oh!
I should go, too.
I hooked up with this
Chinese girl last night,
and I don't know, it's weird.
I already feel like seconds.
Okay, Ted, you got first whip!
All right.
(imitating Clint Eastwood)
Hey, dummy.
What did tell you
about smoking in here?
Make him whip the habit!
I'so excited
about this whip!
I got whip fever!
Just whip him, Ted!
Don't even aim!
Just whip him!
I am so sorry.
No, it's just the whip's
not a toy, Ted.
There's such a thing
as common sense, you know.
Hey, you can whip me
if you want.
I will, some other time.
Whoo!
So, how long has
this been going on?
All summer.
I knew it!
I knew it! I knew it!
You guys are boyfriend
and girlfriend.
Whoa, hey.
Whoa.
Wow, no.
Whoa...
Whoa, whoa, whoaLily.
Girlfriend?
Slow your roll there,
Lilypad. Yeah, yeah.
You've been together all summer.
I dot get it.
Okay, it's like this.
After we kissed,
we sat down to have the talk.
We should figure out
what this is.
Yes, we should.
Or.
Or...
Okay, now, we have
to figure this out.
Yes, we do.
Or. Or...
Whoa!
We kept trying to have the talk
and then we realized
we hate the talk.
Yeah, the talk sucks.
You have to, like, talk.
And be all,
"I don't know.
"It's not that
I don't like you.
"It'sust that I haven't
had a girlfriend
"in a really ng time.
I hope it doesn't
make you mad. "
Who needs it?
You needs it.
Guys, you can't
just keep hooking up
and not at least
try and fire out
what you mean to each other.
Yeah, we knew
you would say that.
That's why we
kept it a secret.
We, that and the fact
that elaborate lies
really turn us on.
No, no, no. No.
You need tdefine
the relationship.
You ne to have
the talk.
Or. Or..
I know what you're all thinking.
"Who's this cool peer of mine
up in front the class?"
Well, I know the board says
"Professor Mosby,"
but to you
I'm Ted, huh?
Question. Awesome.
Hit it.
Yeah, here's my question.
"Ted," who the hell
do you think you are?
Yeah, "Ted. "
We're supposed to learn
from you?
You failed as an architect.
Well...
And if you're a professor,
where's your h
and your whip?
They're at home.
I didn't think I'd need...
And where are your pants?
Oh! (gasps
Oh, God.
Barney, it was awful.
I was teaching...
Shh, Ted, now's
not a good time.
Whe do you keep
your condoms?
Okay, look, mistake #1
was taking that
girl's question.
You don't take questions
on the first day.
It shows weakness.
Mistake #2
was you should've hit that.
Dude, your pants
were already off,
u had a classroom full
of people to cheer you on,
and you n't knock her up
'cause it's a dream.
Class dismissed.
Mistake #3:
dude, where was the hat?
Because if y're not going to
wear it, I'm taking it back.
I think what Barney's
saying is that
definitions are important.
You're their teacher,
not their friend.
Exactly.
If people don't know their place,
nobody's happy.
Amen.
You have to make things clear.
Run tell dat.
Define the relationship.
Yes! No!
Lily, private convo time.
Lily, can't you just
let us be happy?
You're not happy.
You just think you're happy
because you feel happy.
And that's not happy?
Of course not.
You and Robin need
to have the talk.
Why? Give me one good reason.
I'll give you 20...
Wow, you can't even
think of one.
Headlights. Deer.
Lily, for the last time,
things with me and Robin are
as good as they can possibly be.
Oh, hey, look, Brad's here.
I've got two tickets
to the Rangers/Canucksame
tomorrow night.
I know you're a hockey fan,
so I was tnking...
Uh, oh, um...
Uh...
What do I have to do?
Put a gun to your head?
Buy you a six pack?
Oh, come on, Brad, that's...
Wow, there's really
six of them.
Uh, t, uh, I can't.
Why not?
You have a boyfriend?
No. No, no boyfriend.
Great! It's a date.
Hey, Barn.
Hey, Brad...
Eventually, Robin and Brad
went to a hockey game.
You're probably wondering
why I've been quiet all night.
Um...
Damn it, Hordichuk!
You miss another gimme
like that,
I'm gonna come down there
and put a slapper right up
ur beerhole! Come on!
Not really.
The truth is,
I- I feel kind of weird
being out with you.
Oh, man.
Is this the talk?
What?
No, this is good.
Let's get it all
out of the way.
Robin, I'm looking
for something serious.
No, Brad, no, it's...
But before we go any further,
you should know something
about my stuff
below the belt.
I was born
a little different.
God, no, uh,
Brad, no, um...
This iabout me and
Barney. You and Barn...
Oh, oh, so you,
you guys are...
Well, we-we-we don't
know what we are.
I mean, my heart says
"leap into it. "
My brain says
"it's a bad idea. "
Sounds like you guys
need to have the talk.
We're not gonna have the talk!
Would you just
have the talk, okay?
It's a five-minute conversation,
and then you get
to have sex afterwards.
It's great! Back me up, Ted.
I don't think
the talk is necessary.
What?!
Thank you, Ted.
Because Robin is already
his girlfriend.
What?!
MacLaren's Bar,
four years ago...
How do you keep a girl
from becoming your girlfriend
Simple: the rules for girls
are the same as the rulesfor gremlin
"Gremlins"?
Gremlins. Rule #1:
never get them wet.
In other words, don't let her
take a shower at your place.
#2: keep them away
from sunlight--
i. e. don't ever see them
during the day.
And rule #
never feed them after midnight.
Meaning she doesn't sleep over
and you don't have breakfast
with her ever.
What about brunch?
Is brunch cool?
No, Ted.
unch is not cool.
Ok, new topic.
How do I pick a tie?
Simple: remember
in the movie Predator...
I've done all three
of those things with Robin.
Is she my girlfriend?
Just once, I wish you guys
would call me on Tuxedo Night.
ANNOUNCER Ladies and
gentlemen, time to pucker up
for the New York Rangers
Kiss Cam!
CROWD
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Okayhow about this?
If you kiss me and you
feel bad about it,
you're meant
to be with Barney.
Why not? Lay it on me.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Hey, Bd.
Brad, we can't fight
like this all night!
We both got some good shots in.
Let's call a truce!
It's oy, dude.
I shouldn't go kissing
some other guy's girlfriend.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, girlfriend?
He come on.
That's putting it
a bit strongly.
A bit strongly. She's no
Okay, yeah.
A gifriend's
a bit much, Brad, okay?
Okay, seriously.
We're at the point
of physical violence.
Now, will you ease
have the talk?
Because of that?
Come on. That's thing.
I'm always punching guys.
Mm-hmm.
Girls- I'll punch a baby.
I don't care.
Finally, my first clas
had arrived.
For real this time.
I knew I had to make
a strong impression.
I had thought of everything.
Except...
Wait. Does professor
have one "F" or two?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Professor.
Pro-fess-or.
They're all staring at me.
Professor.
Uh, I don't know.
Ju do something!
Two "F's. "
That looks right.
I think that's right.
Hey, sorry I went little
too far last night.
Oh, look, we've been over this.
Unless I say "flugelhorn,"
you haven't gone too far.
No, meant punching Brad.
Oh, right. Look,
don't even worry about it.
It's... oh. God.
The doorknob's broken off.
We're locked in here.
Did, did you do this?
No.
Flugelhorn.
Did you do this?
No.
Ted? Ted, are you out there?
Ted's not here, Robin.
Lily, let us out of here.
I'd be glad to.
Just as soon as you
and Barney have the talk.
Lily! Come on.
Let us out!
No. Sit down,
define the relationship,
write down
that definition
on a piece of paper,
slip it under the door,
and if I like what I read,
you can go.
We are not
having the talk!
Then you'll die in there.
You're gonna
lock us in here?
Well, guess what?
Maybe we'll spend
the whole day having sex!
Well, guess what?
I brought Marshall with me,
so maybe we'll do the same.
Hey, guys.
I still hadn't decided
what kind of professor
I wanted to be-
authoritative or cool guy.
I thought I would decide
in the moment.
And I did. About 20 times.
Good morning.
'Sup, dudes?
Silence!
This is Architecture 101.
I am Professor Mosby.
But you can call me Ted.
Professor Mosby.
T- Dawg.
Do not call me T-Dawg.
Ner take questions
on the first day.
It shows weakness.
Also,
don't look right here.
Okay, good luck. Byesies.
This was it:
my crossroads moment.
What kind of professor
was I gonna be
I had to decide.
Please save all your qstions
until the end of the lecture.
Thank you!
Now...
Professor Mosby d arrived.
Of course, if I had taken
that girl's question-
who, by the way,was not your mo
Your mom was sitting...
Wait, let me finish this story
al quick.
Here's what
that girl wod have said.
I'm sorry to bother you,Professor Mo
but this isn't Architecture 101.
This is Economics 305.
You're in the wrong classroom.
Yes, I was
in the wrong classroom.
And thus began
the most humiliating
seven minutes of my life.
Here's your ink-about-it
for the day.
Every single person
in this room
is already an architect.
Architect?
Hmm. Ooh.
"We're just hanging out. "
Just hanging out?
Not good enough.
Not good enough!
Can anyone here tell me what
this class is really all about?
Economics?
No. No, no. Don't laugh.
He's not...
He's not entirely wrong.
An architect must be economical
in his use of space,
so, well done.
Looks like somone's building
towards an A, huh?
"We're seeing
where things are going. "
I'll tell you
where things aren't going-
out of that bedroom.
Not good enough.
Not good eugh!
You-
why do you want
to be an architect?
I don't want to be an architect.
Yes. Yes, exactly.
It-It's not something
you want to be.
It's something you need to be.
You dot have a choice, right?
None of you has a choice
No questions!
"We're Barnman and Robin. "
Oh, come on, you got to admit,
that's kind of funny, Lily.
Not good enough.
Not good enough!
So if any of you
have even
the slightest inclination
to do anything with your life
other than become an architect,
you're wasting my time
and yours.
There's the door
You can go.
Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
Don't-Don't all leave!
Architecture's
fun! Look!
I brought a hacky sack!
Sorry, I'm late, everyone.
My name is Professor Calzonetti.
This is Economics 305.
You may return to your seats.
Uh, sorry, sir.
This is, uh, Architecture 101.
Who invited their dad, right?
Young man,
for the last 28 years,
Economics 305 has been taught
right here
in building 14, room 7.
Uh, yeah.
Buddy, I'm sure
200 architecture students
and their professor
all got the room wrong.
T- Dawg,
you're in the wrong room, bro.
Sorry. Coming through.
Excuse me. Whoa.
20 minutes late
on your first day?
That's rough.
Mm.
Yeah, but here's
the funny thing.
By that point,
I didn't have time
to think about what kind
of teacher I was going to be.
I just got up there
and talked about architecture.
And it was kind of great.
That's awesome, Ted.
Yeah.
Congratulations, buddy.
Thanks.
Nice job, Ted.
Hey, Ted, door five!
Were you there? Yeah, I got you, buddy.
They still haven't
had the talk, huh?
I think I know
how to speed things up
Oh, not cool!
Pancakes, fresh bacon.
It is so yummy.
Uh, dude,
I'm starving. Let's...
Let's just have the stupid talk.
Come on.
Fine.
But
how do these this even work?
What do we say?
Huh.
Where do you see this relationship going?
Oh, my God,
that sounds so cheesy.
(laughin
I know, right?
Totally. But, um,
where-where do you see
this relationship going?
I don't know.
I mean,
it's not like I don't like you.
I just haven't had a girlfriend
for a long time.
I hope
that doesn't make you mad.
Mad?
I feel the same way.
I suck at relationshs.
I mean,
except with Ted.
Man, he really got it right.
I know it's a cliche
but he really ruined me
for other men.
Of course, I wasn't in the room
for this conversation,
but I have to imagine
Robin said something like that.
Hmm.
Maybe we should go back
to being jt friends.
Maybe.
But, um,
I don't want
to stop having sex.
Oh, good. Me, neither.
Yeah. Friends
isn't gonna work.
Nope. Oh, we're not good
at being friends.
We're nogood at being
in a relationship.
Wh are we good at?
I know something we're good at.
I don't know. If we're
gonna do it again,
I'm gonna need
some Gatorade, or...
No! No, t that.
Lying. Okay, think about it.
We spent the whole summer lying
about being just friends.
Why not just keep lying?
Really?ROBIN:
Yeah.
Really. We sat down.
We had the talk.
Barney's my boyfriend now.
And Robin's
my girlfriend.
I know it sounds nuts,
but it feels good to say.
We're both afraid of commitment,
but, the fact is,
we also can't live
without each other.
And if the alternative
is not being together,
then it's worth taking
this risk 'cause...
...she's awesome.
And he's awesome.
He looks nice in a suit.
She can handle
her Scotch.
He's my boyfriend.
And she's my girlfriend.
Oh!
Good enough!
We are good. She bought it.
Hook, line, and sinker.
are good.
Oh, totally. Mm.
So, you want
to get some breakfast?
You know, brunch actuall
does sound kind of good.
Hmm. Well, lead the way,
sweetie pie.
Wow! Flugelhorn.
Yeah, that felt wrong.
Mm.
Mm.
You do realize
they were lying, right?
No, Ted.
They don't realize
they weren't lying.
And that's the story
of how Barney and Robin became
boyfriend and girlfriend.
Oh, hello.
Hello. Good evening.
Hello. Don't get up.
Didn't we meet on a yacht?
Hello.
What?
Oh, no!
Did I not tell you guys
that it was Tuxedo Night?
Doesn't feel
very good, does it?

How I Met Your Mother

5/18/2011

How I Met Your Mother - S05E01 - Definitions

No comments:

Post a Comment