<i>This is the story
of two blind dates.
<i>One in 2009...
<i>And one seven years earlier.
<i>In all that time,
my dating routine
<i>remained more or less
the same...
<i>...until the fall of 2009,
<i>when I finally had a date
that was different.
<i>Because it was
exactly the same.
<i>I was on a blind date
with the same woman
<i>I went on a blind date with
seven years earlier.
Ted?
Ted?
Jen?
Jen?
It's nice to meet you.
<i>And she didn't remember it.
<i>But then again...
It's nice to meet you, too.
<i>Neither did I.
Do you want to...?
Yeah.
Guess who just got four tickets
<i>to the "Origins of Chewbacca"
Star Wars exhibit?
Why?
No, I said, "Guess who?"
I heard you.
Yeah, um, isn't it a little early
in our relationship
to do something that
would end our relationship?
What? No, what are
you talking about?
It can be our first
double date as couples!
And plus,
it sounds awesome!
Is the original Chewbacca
going to be there?
Peter Mayhew, in the fur.
Who's with me?
Hey, do you think
they'll have
Wookiee to English
dictionaries there?
I mean, even just an everyday
phrase book would be helpful.
We're not going
to the "Origins of Chewbacca"
exhibit, Marshall.
It's in Houston this year.
Everyone knows that.
I just wanted to get
rid of the girls.
Where are you taking me, Barney?
<i>This wasn't the first time
your Uncle Barney had kidnapped one of us.
Wait a second.
The "Origins of Chewbacca"
exhibit's in Montreal this year.
Everyone knows that.
Where are you taking me?
My guy in the DA's office
scored us
front row seats
to a lethal injection.
But we're still stopping
for chili dogs first.
Stop the cab.
Where are you taking me?
Barney,
why are we here?
Marshall, now that
Robin and I are together,
I've learned a lot
about relationships
by watching you and Lily.
Thanks, man.
You're a terrible couple.
Lily has taken
all the man out of you.
I used to think that's just
every relationship.
But what I've got with Robin
proves that you can
have a girlfriend and fully
functioning male genitalia
all at the same time.
Okay, right.
So, if Robin knew
that you were here,
she would be completely
fine with it?
Are you kidding?
She'd sprint down here
with a purse full of singles
and a poncho
for the 10:30 Jell-O show.
BT-Dub, I called ahead-
it's lime.
<i>Meanwhile, Jen and I were at
my favorite
<i>first date restaurant...
<i>for the second time.
So, Jen, what do you do?
I'm between jobs-
banking crisis.
I'm between jobs-
Internet bubble burst.
Makes me realize I should
go into something
more stable...
like banking.
So what about you?
I'm an architect.
Hopefully, one day,
I can use my own humble brush
on the masterpiece that is
Manhattan's skyline.
I teach aritecture.
Get 50% off
Married!
What is wrong with you?
You're just looking.
It's like fantasizing
about other women.
It's harmless.
What.
Don't tell me you don't
fantasize about other women.
I do!
It's just not that easy.
False.
I once fantasized about
that silhouette chick
you see on a truck's mudflaps.
Took me less than a mile.
Not everyone is you,
okay, Barney?
Even when I do start to have
a dirty thought like that...
<i>it seems so much like cheating
on Lily, that I feel guilty
<i>So first, I need to have
a different fantasy.
Bad news.
Lily has a rare and fatal
hiccup disorder
that's apparently
medical illegitimate.
What?! How could this be?!
Beats me, but it says it
right here
on this doctor clipboard
that doctors have.
It's time, baby.
I will never love again.
No, Marshall, you must.
And after
an appropriate number of years,
you should
find someone else.
Someone like that
busty delivery girl
from that one time.
And plow her like a cornfield.
And so, Marshall,
to honor Lily,
you must find that busty
delivery girl from that one time
and plow her like a cornfield.
Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
Where do I sign?
And then watch out,
because it is on!
That is the saddest thing
I've ever heard.
Dude, Lily gets you
in real life
She has no business
in your fantasies.
It's all I know, okay?
I can't, I can't help it.
I accept your invitation.
Marshall Eriksen,
from this day forward,
I will be the wingman
of your mind.
Now, focus on the next dancer.
Put Lily completely
out of your mind.
Gentlemen,
say hello J-J-J-Jasmine.
Barney?
Is it just me or does that
stripper look exactly like...?
Ted, we found a stripper who looks
exactly like Lily!
Yeah, I can't
talk right now.
I'm speechless, too.
Everything's as perky
as we've always imagined!
Stop looking at her.
Uh, look, I got to go.
Take a picture.
Oh, I will.
But first, I'm going to
make Marshall
watch as I wedge
Ulysses S. Grant
between his wife's tatas.
I'll kill you!
Sorry about that.
So, any thoughts on food?
Yeah, do you wanna share the oysters?
I would love to share
the oysters.
Good. 'Cause if you didn't...
...that would be
mighty shellfish.
Wow, that's bad.
That's why it's funny!
We've been on this date before.
We've been on this
exact blind date before.
In this exact same restaurant.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think
that blind date went too well.
Me neither.
I remember thinking
that you were a little snobby.
Wait, you...
You dress ur cats up
in weird costumes.
They're not weird.
See, you're being snobby again.
Oh, my God.
Do you realize what this means?
Since our first date,
we've done a complete lap
of all the single people
in New York
only to end up back here,
with each other.
Whoa.
We're going to die alone,
aren't we?
Well, you've got your cats.
This is insane.
Wait, I got to ask.
Why did you think I was snobby?
Wait... Okay...
yeah, we were
sitting over there...
Main Lobster.
They spelled "Maine"
without the "e. "
Good to know we're not
getting the crappy
understudy lobsters, right?
Tonight, the role of
pound-and-a-half lobster
will be played by...
I get it, Ted.
Pointing out
spelling errors in a menu
makes you seem kind of snooty.
Huh.
I had no idea.
Okay, well, what about me?
Aside from the cats,
how did I come across?
That's right- the check.
The check came
and, of course,
I was going to pay,
but you didn't
do the check dance.
Guys want to wave the girl off
and, you know,
look like a big shot.
Huh. I had no idea.
This is good.
We're learning stuff.
You know what we should do?
We should retrace
the rest of that night
and figure out what else
we do wrong on first dates.
'Cause let's be honest-
we are scaring people off, Jen.
We really are.
Okay, I'm in.
Great.
Where'd we go next?
I think we went to MacLaren's.
Okay.
Hey, I didn't really talk about
my cats that much, did I?
And then,
there's Tabby-gail Adams,
the jester of the group.
Tone down the kitty talk.
Check.
You will not believe
who we saw tonight.
Dude, um...
We saw the third
doppelganger!
<i>I should explain.
<i>Over the years we had spotted
two strangers
<i>who looked exactly like
members of our group.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
<i>Lesbian Robin.
<i>And Moustache Marshall.
<i>By the following summer,
<i>we would find the remaining
two doppelgangers.
<i>But I'll get to that.
Ladies, meet Stripper Lily.
Oh!
Okay.
Yeah, I couldn't get
her face in it.
But she looks
just like you.
So you went
to a strip club?
Busted.
And there was a stripper
who looked exactly like me?
Okay, babe, look,
before you get mad, let me...
Awesome!
I bet the guys were going crazy.
Oh, I bet they wanted
to touch her so bad.
But all you can do is look,
unless you go
into the back room, but honey,
you got to pay for that.
So...
Strip club.
Marshall made me go.
All right, so what did I do
wrong next?
Let me have it.
I'here to learn.
Well, I kept telling you I was cold,
but you didn't offer me your jacket.
It's a little brisk
out tonight, huh?
Not really.
Really?
I can't feel my fingers.
I'm pretty impervious
to stuff like that.
I couldn't
admit I was cold.
I didn't want
to seem like a wimp
compared to your
action hero ex-boyfriend
who you wouldn't
stop talking about.
After a day
of fighting fires,
Jim would love
to come home and unwind
working on his
'68 Camo.
That or bare-knuck boxing,
which he learned
in the Marine Corps.
I had an aunt
in the Coast Guard.
Okay, so no talking
about the ex.
Not even about his
shockingly small wiener?
See? Why didn't you
lead off with that?
Was there
a shower on stage?
Sometimes there's
a shower on stage.
I bet stripper me
would get in there
with another girl
and just go bananas.
See, Marshall?
We got to have a bros'
night at a strip club
and both of our ladies
are totally cool with it.
I'm not cool with it.
Because they understand
that it's healthy for us
to do that
from time to time.
It's disgusting.
Because it's harmless.
Did one of your
whores tell you that?
And, Lil, Marshall shouldn't have to go
to so much trouble
just to have
an innocent fantasy.
Trouble?
What trouble?
It's, no, it's nothing.
Marshall, tell her.
We're all friends here.
No, we're not.
Sometimes I think about
other women.
Okay, it happens
But even when I do,
I feel so guilty
that I-I have to imagine you...
passing away first,
You're... you're
just my life, baby.
And I love you.
You kill me first?!
I mean, fantasize about
other girls all you want,
but could you maybe
not murder me?!
Murder?!
No! I, baby-no.
You develop
a chronic illness!
I spare no expense
for your care!
We're, like, this close
to a cure.
Remember?
Oh, yeah!
I do remember.
We went in here for a drink
with your friends.
Who I loved...
Or hated,
depending on whether you're
still friends with them.
You loved them.
They're family, Ted.
Let's go in and see
what they remember.
And they are my best friends,
so don't be surprised if they
suddenly "can't think"of
anything I do wrong.
Did he juggle? Bad puns? Mmm.
Expect a standing ovation
for picking up a $19 check
Oh, let's not forget
the menu typo gold mine.
Keep pannin'
that river, buddy.
Well, it is a lot cheaper
than buying a coom.
Oh!
Actually you know
what it was?
I remember him coming across
as kind of a player.
Me?
Ted? Ted?
Yeah.
We were all sitting
over there...
And here's a picture of my cats
dressed up like Batman villains.
You got the Joker,
the Riddler, Mr. Freeze...
Wh about Cat Woman?
Yeah, that would've been good.
Psst! Ted!
Nice.
Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no!
I member that.
Psst, Ted.
Nice.
We were checking out
Moustache Marshall.
Ah.
Ah.
Gosh, I thought you
were such a jerk.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, well,
it's nice to know
"past me" wasn't
a total jackass, huh?
"Present you"
isn't so bad, either.
Thank you very much.
You got it.
Yes.
Oh, yeah!
I remember this.
...and there's the
Chrysler Building.
And the Empire
State Building.
And at 12:00,
a rotund couple
going at it
against the glass.
Aww...
That's kind of sweet.
Oh, look.
Snack break.
Good for them.
Letting a guy eat pizza
off your back, that's love.
So, um...
I know this wasn't the best
first date of all time,
but, uh, I'm glad we
stuck it out.
Me, too.
That was really great.
Wh... What went wrong?
I remember now.
Wow.
Yeah.
So would you
maybe, um...
want to go out again?
Yeah, I, I would.
Will you call me?
Absolutely.
Promise?
Promise.
I have been so busy.
Good night, Ted.
Hello?
Jen, I sorry.
Look, I know I'm seven years
late with this call,
but I was an idiot
back then.
You saw the goatee.
The truth is,
I had a great time tonight,
and I'd love
to see you again.
Ted, there are
two kinds of guys.
The guys that you want
to call you, who don't;
and the guys you don't want
to call you, who always do.
And somehow,
right now, you're both.
Baby...
You should be able to fantasize
about another woman
without feeling guilty,
I wish that I could,
but I've been doing
this for so long,
I'm all confused
about death and sex.
It's gotten to
the pot where
every time I drive
past a cemetery,
I'm sportin' a partial.
All right,
we got to fix this.
Okay, when
Stripper Lily gets out here,
you have my permission
to fantasize about her.
And since she's
basically me,
maybe you won't feel guilty.
Thanks, baby.
I'm-I'm so lucky I have you.
And stripper you.
Bring out Stripper Lily!
You know, I don't
come here that much.
Hey, Barney.
He's the usual
and I'll send over
the other usual as soon
as she's done stretching.
Hmm...
Thank you, kindly stranger.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Oh, hey, Barney.
Didn't see you come in.
I'll load up some
AC/DC for you, buddy.
Ladies and gentlemen, please
put your hands together
for Jasmine.
I am hot!
Ye.
Oh, crawl for it, stripper me.
I is awesome.
Baby, can I get another hundred?
That was a hundred?
Wow, she crawls fast.
Look, Jen,
I wish I could
go back and talk some sense
into 2002 Ted,
but that guy's
a lost cause.
He's 24.
He thinks a little facial hair
makes him look like John Depp.
And he has no idea
what a great girl
he's missing out on.
But I've learned a lot
since then.
I've learned a lot tonight.
The only thing that we've learned
is that, seven years ago,
it was mistake
for us to go out.
And I guess it was a mistake
for us to go out tonight.
No, it wasn't.
I had a great time tonight.
And seven years ago,
if you think about it,
we didn't miss by that much.
If a couple things
had gone a little bit
differently...
who knows what
would have happened?
Wow.
Wow.
You are the best.
My girlfriend is
at a strip club with me
and she couldn't care less.
I do care, Barney.
Look, we're dating now, okay?
That changes things.
We have to have a serious
talk about this.
Just the best.
Hey.
Girlfriend trouble?
I wish I could help,
but my unbelievably cool wife
just bought us a private dance
with her stripper body double.
So if you need me,
I'll be getting grinded
like some pepper,
in the Champagne room.
Just the best.
...now what?
I just remembered
why I didn't call you.
Why?
I can't believe I'm gonna
screw this up again, but, um...
I like finding typos in menus.
What?
And I know my shellfish pun is stupid
but the truth ...
I'm not suddenly gonna stop
making stupid jokes.
Now that you mention it...
I'm never going to stop
talking about my cats.
They're funny and adorable
and totally worth having
to take six Benadryl a day.
Shouldn't we hold out
for the person who doesn't just
tolerate our little quirks,
but actually kind of likes them?
Even if it means
finding ourselves
on another blind date with each
other, seven years from now?
Oh, dear God,
I hope that don't happen.
Well... good luck
out there, Jen.
You too, Ted.
You'll find your shellfish lady.
<i>And kids, when I told your
mother that shellfish joke,
<i>she did laugh.
And I swear, it was only,
like, 30% pity.
Hey, Lil.
Looks like, uh, Jasmine's
having a hard time
getting out of those boots.
What did you say, buddy?
Lily?
Who?
Oh, yes... I am this Lily.
We married long time.
May I have monies for shopping?
Lily!
No comments:
Post a Comment