<i>It was the Fall of 2009 and I was a professor now.
<i>So I decided to change my look
a little bit.
<i>And people were noticing.
Ah, tweed.
Textile of the eunuch.
You know, I've always
Wondered why those tweed jackets
have elbow patches.
Because the people
who wear them are
constantly going,
"Aw, geez, why can't I get laid?"
You are wrong. Get laid?
The ladies dig
the professor look.
You know, there is
something to that.
I remember thinking my tenth grade
math teacher
Was very sexy.
I wonder if Harold's
still in jail.
What?
Tax evasion.
(quietly):
Among other things.
So guys, Marshall
And I wanted to invite
you to our place
For a little couples' night.
Uh, sure. Why not?
<i>For years, Marshall and Lily
had been the only
<i>Married couple in a group full
of single people.
<i>It got lonely.
<i>(doorbell rings)
so they were always
<i>Searching
for another couple
<i>To double-date.
<i>There was only one problem.
Welcome.
Gouda?
<i>They sucked at it.
(laughing):
This is great.
We're having fun.
You're having fun, right?
So, should we
just go ahead
And lock the four of
us in for new year's?
Um, it's April.
Right. Sorry.
We're getting
ahead of ourselves.
Let's talk Thanksgiving.
Our parents really
want to meet you!
Well, we should
probably be going.
Wait. But, wait,
if you leave now,
Colonel mustard
just gets away with it.
It's getting pretty late.
We're going to go.
There's still pie.
Tonight was fantastic.
We should do it again.
I'm sorry, Marshall,
but Falguni and I
Are just not that into you.
And you.
<i>But just when Lily and Marshall
were about to give up,
<i>Two of their best friends
in the world got together.
<i>And hope returned
to their hearts.
Wohoo!
<i>So when Lily said...
Marshall and I wanted
to invite you to our place
For a little couples' night.
Um, sure, why not?
<i>Barney and Robin had no idea
<i>What they were
about to walk into.
Okay. Game time.
Let's review
the flow of the room.
Barney and Robin
enter here.
Stop here for margaritas.
That's a great
conversation starter.
We can tell them about
our trip to Cabo.
Great, 'cause I got that story
about Sammy Hagar
Anthe Belgian waffle locked
and loaded.
Then we'll move on
to the hot apps station.
And, depending on how
things are going,
Some lively pre-dinner charades.
Right, but, uh,
we'll play that one by...
Sounds like?
Okay, you can be
Robin's partner.
(doorbell rings)
Oh... Baby, we can do this.
Welcome.
Gouda?
<i>Meanwhile,
my half-baked theory
<i>That ladies dig
the professor look
<i>Was actually
proving to be true
So is it hard
to grade papers?
No, you've just got
to make it fun.
For example, uh, every time
I spot a grammatical error,
I do a shot.
I'm trashed right now,
and I blame
Our public school system.
<i>Sometimes things just seem
to magically fall into place.
So, you said
you live right upstairs...
<i>Whether it's
in the dating world...
Take care. Bye.
(laughs)
bye!
<i>...Or the double-dating world.
Nailed it!
Best night ever!
Worst night ever.
(imitates gunshot)
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Hey, how was the big couples'
night with Marshall and Lily?
Brutal.
Really? How?
It was like we were on a date
With a sad, chubby girl
our mom made us call.
And they were so nervous,
That they weren't even making sense
half of the time.
Hey.
Come on in.
Would you
like a margarita?
In Cabo, I saw Sammy Hagar eating a Belgian waffle!
Come on in.
And they kept shoving platters
of food in our faces.
Let me guess:
Did Marshall get, like,
Super intense about the cheese?
(gasps):
Yeah, how'd you know?
Poor Marshall.
Lily's this gourmet cook,
and all she lets Marshall
Is pick out one sad block of cheese.
That's prosciutto-wrapped melon.
You guys are going to want
to get in on this gouda.
That's seared scallops
with a mango chutney.
Seriously, don't sleep
on the gouda.
And that's
Lobster ravioli
in a black truffle oil.
Ooh...
Tick-tock goes the gouda clock.
Um, we-we-we didn't realize
there was gonna be dinner.
We sucked down a couple
tacos outside the subway.
P.S., not
sitting great.
And if anything didn't go
according to plan,
They would freak out.
What do you mean,
the egg timer is broken?
What are we going to use
for charades, sweetie?
I'm working on it, darling.
Okay? Just stall them.
Now, Robin...
You work in television.
We're experiencing some
technical difficulties.
(laughs):
You get that?
We're still laughing.
Right? Laugh, Marshall.
(laughs)
(Lily and Marshall
continue laughing)
Come on, they just
got excited.
They've been looking for couple
best friends forever.
<i>Plus, I'm sure
they weren't that bad.
Show him.
This is a web site
Marshall already made
about last night.
It's called
itwasthebestnightever.com.
(acoustic guitar strums)
Marshall:
* it was the best night ever *
* laughter raining down
like April showers *
* oh, we talked for hours... *
* best night ever *
oh, that's not good.
* then we played charades *
* Lily made some creme brulee,
lay-lay-lay-lay *
* and now that
we're best couple friends *
* there's only one thing *
* left to say... *
* are you free? Are you free?
Are you free? *
* are you free?
Are you free next Saturday? *
That's the 17th.
* are you free? *
Friday or Sunday
would also work.
Or basically any other day.
Needless to say, we've both changed
our e-mail addresses.
I don't understand.
If last night went so horribly,
Why do Lily and Marshall
think it was such a hit?
I mean, we knew we were gonna have
fun tonight,
But we had no idea how much.
Oh.
Yeah, tough luck,
Every Saturday
night I've ever had,
'cause this one just
blew you out of the water.
Let's do it again, soon.
Yeah, we'll call you.
They're your friends!
Why would you just blatantly lie
to them like that?
Well, that's what you say
at the end of a crappy date.
Hey, Ted.
Great time last night.
Well, let's do it again, soon.
I'll...uh, call you.
(door closes)
Right?
Who was that?
Oh, I don't want to brag,
But it seems chicks
are really digging
The whole professor thing.
Last night,
She picked me up at the bar.
And then...
Well, she actually
Wound up falling asleep
on the couch.
But, hey, that happens.
Uh, no, it doesn't.
Sure, it does.
You know, she was,
She was just exhausted
from being turned on.
But you heard her.
She wants to do it again, soon.
Ted, let me ask you a question.
Where does this girl
live, exactly?
Westchester. Why?
(laughs)
You're the sexless innkeeper.
Oh, my god!
You're right!
He's totally
the sexless innkeeper!
What the hell is
"the sexless innkeeper"?
Ted, many a man--
nay, many a soul--
Has their own tale of
the sexless innkeeper.
Why, I had run-in
with one just last year.
I even composed
a poem about it.
Would you care to hear it?
Not really.
T'was the night
before new year's,
And the weather grew mean.
It was 3:00 in the morning,
And I was stranded in queens.
<i>The tavern grew empty,
<i>The gas lights grew dim.
<i>The horse-drawn carriages
were all but snowed in...
Wait. If this was last year,
<i>Why are you acting like it
was Oliver Twist?
Ted, it's a poem.
<i>Last call was approaching,
<i>And my fortunes looked bleak.
<i>Then I turned to my left
<i>And stifled a shriek.
<i>She had a peach fuzz beard
<i>And weighed 16 stone.
<i>She gobbled up hot wings
<i>And swallowed the bones.
<i>I muffled a scream
<i>And threw up in my mouth.
<i>I asked, "where do you live?"
<i>And she said,
"one block south."
<i>I swallowed my pride
<i>And six shots of whiskey.
<i>And prayed to the gods
<i>That she wasn't too frisky.
<i>Back in her cave,
she prepared us a snack.
<i>'neath her mighty hooves,
the floorboards did crack.
<i>But when she returned,
<i>She found a sound sleeper.
<i>And thus she became
<i>The sexless innkeeper.
And so are you
Wait, you're saying that girl
Just used me
for a place to crash?
Ted, you mentioned that
you live right upstairs.
She saw the tweed jacket
which basically says
You're not interested in, nor probably even
capable of, having sex.
And she thought,
"hey, free lodging."
No way.
I'm not the sexless innkeeper.
Ted, that girl
had no intention
Of ever hooking
up with you.
Which is funny,
because usually
It's the innkeeper who offers
turndown service. Oh!
(laughing)
Hey, guys. Good news.
First of all, you can ignore
all the e-mails
And texts we've sent you.
We have. Go on.
Because we went
ahead and booked
That couples' weekend
for all of us in Vermont!
Wait, you guys were
serious about that?
Oh, we never
joke about b&b's,
Especially at the height
of syrup season.
Check it out.
Saturday we've got
apple-picking,
Antiquing, then
a hated hay ride.
And then on Sunday, we're up at 6:00 a.m.
for the fall foliage hike.
Now, you better pack
your long johns, 'cause it is cold up there.
Look! I'm sorry that we have been
dodging your calls,
But we respect
you guys too much
As friends to give
you some song and dance.
You deserve the truth.
(sighs)
The US Navy has found
intelligent alien life
At the bottom of the ocean.
For reasons I can't
explain, Robin and I
Have been tapped
to lead the expedition.
Wow, Barney.
That kind of sounds like
the stuff you say to girls
When you're too much of a coward to dump them.
Yeah.
You know, that's exactly
what it sounds like.
But if that's true,
that's awesome.
What's going on?
Look, all the couple-y stuff,
it's just not us.
Barney and I are barely equipped
to date each other,
Let alone you guys.
Plus, the alien thing.
Come on, Marshall.
Let's go.
No...Lily...
You know what?
I hope those underwater aliens
are cold-blooded.
'cause then you guys will
get along just fine.
I think they bought it.
I can't believe they
broke up with us.
We're so lovable.
No, we're not.
We're ugly and gross.
I thought we did
everything right.
I know!
I know. We had the gouda.
We had my waffle story.
I even sent them a
awesome photo montage.
Nothing.
Oh, dear god.
Marshall, we've been
over and over this.
You have to stop
sending those to people.
<i>It was true.
<i>Marshall had become addicted
to creating songs
<i>And photo montages documenting
various mundane events.
<i>So for months,
all of Marshall's
<i>friends and professional
colleagues
<i>Were getting e-mails
like this...
Marshall:
* ordered Chinese food today *
* some moo shu pork sauce
got away *
* flipped the cushion *
* now everything's okay. *
* cat-sitting for Lily's mom *
* cat-sitting
for Lily's mom *
* it's gonna be fun *
* it's gonna bring us all
closer together. *
* cat funeral *
* cat funeral *
* it was an accident *
* and not entirely my fault *
<i>* cat funeral *
* meow, meow, meow, meow *
<i>* meow, meow, meow, meow *
* cat funeral *
Marshall:
We'll miss you, whiskers.
<i>* meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow... *
I can't believe you sent them one of those.
They think we're insane now.
If I recall, they didn't dump us
Until you brought up
that Vermont trip.
It was way too early.
First, a boat ride
around the city,
Then a trip to Vermont.
It's a rookie mistake,
and you're better than that.
Oh, what about you forgetting
To check the egg timer
for charades?
I gave you one thing
to do, Marshall. One thing.
One thing?
One thing?
Wow. Really?
So, I guess that gouda
Just walked itself
right through the door...
...Sliced itself up,
And arranged itself
in a perfect semi-circle
Around not three, not four...
But five different kinds
Of sturdy,
cheese-bearing crackers?
You're a sturdy,
cheese-bearing cracker!
Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't
been to the bar all week.
They're taking
this really hard.
Ted, I could listen to
this guilt trip all day,
But don't you have to
get back up to the inn?
I mean, who's working
the front desk?
Seriously, they're
your friends.
You got to go apologize.
To your point, Ted,
as an innkeeper,
Do you do that cheapy thing
Where you only change
the linens upon request?
I mean, I mean, I mean, how much
water is that actually saving?
Robin, you know I'm right.
Ignoring a problem
doesn't make it go away.
Usually,
it just makes it bigger.
You're right.
Thank you.
All that sexlessness
has made you wise.
For god's sake!
Mint on the pillow, Ted!
And don't charge for wi-fi. It seems greedy!
It does.
(laughing)
<i>Narrator:
But eventually,
<i>Even Barney and Robin
had to admit
<i>They owed Lily and Marshall
an apology.
Hey.
We wanted to say we're sorry.
Oh. I wish you had called.
Marshall:
I swear, he was right there
Just eating a Belgian waffle!
(laughter)
Well, he can't
have enjoyed it
As much as I'm enjoying
this gouda!
Oh!
Um, listen,
Now's not a good time.
We'll call you.
Wai.t We just want...
Hey! Hey, guys.
Hey. Long time no see.
Have a seat.
Sit.
Oh, we can't.
We're here with Py and Shea.
Yeah, sorry.
Oh, it's just... We haven't
seen you guys all week.
Hey, maybe all six of us could hang out.
Yeah.
Oh, it might be weird.
We're kind of on a double date.
Wouldn't want you to feel
like a fifth and sixth wheel.
Who the hell are these people?
They just moved
here from Hawaii.
Py is a total foodie and Shea, well...
Mmm!
She's...
Shea...Shea is just...
(both laughing)
(sighing contentedly)
Anyhoo, we can't stay long.
We're just gonna grab a quick
beer and then take these kooks
For a boat ride
around the city.
Wow, it sounds like this is
getting pretty serious.
Well, we don't want
to jinx it, but, uh...
We kind of think
they might be the two.
Ooh.
Pfft, who needs 'em?
Pfft. Not us.
(laughing)
* livin' alone *
* we think of all the friends
we've known *
* but when
we dial the telephone *
* nobody's home *
Hi. Two for dinner.
Just the two of you?
* all by ourselves *
* don't want to be *
* all by ourselves anymore *
* all by ourselves... *
Hey, why don't we call
That weird couple
down the hall from you?
You know, with the ferrets?
Maybe they want to come over
and play taboo.
After midnight?
No way.
We can't tabooty-call
them, it's pathetic.
Hey, guys.
(groaning)
Barney,
are you wearing sweat pants?
Maybe. But they're Armani.
Okay, guys, I've got
some bad news for you.
So I'm just going
to come out and say it.
You're a couple.
And no matter how hard
you try to fight it,
Couples need other couples.
That's why you miss
Marshall and Lily.
And can't you just admit that?
(laughing)
Oh, yeah!
That was amazing, Lily!
I know!
When I got that left-hand-
yellow, I was like, "what?!"
You guys are the best.
Oh, right back at you!
(knocking at door)
(ticking)
(bell dings)
(ticking continues)
(bell dings)
(ticking continues)
Ding.
For charades.
How do we know you two
won't hurt us again?
You don't.
You know what?
We have two very nice people
up in that apartment
Who are perfect for us.
Then what are you doing,
Standing out in
the rain with us?
Damn it.
Why is there something so
attractive about a bad boy...
And girl?
I think we can change them.
Come here, you two.
(sobbing)
We'll never sleep
on the gouda again.
* all by ourselves... *
Hey, Barney. I got
a little poem for you.
You want to hear it?
No, not really.
'twas the night
before, I had hours to kill.
<i>I sat in the tavern,
grading parchments with quill.
With quill?
Barney. It's a poem.
<i>A busty, young lassie
flashed me a grin.
<i>Her garb said "classy,"
but her eyes whispered "sin."
<i>She said, "you're a teacher?"
<i>I said, "yes, indeed."
<i>"I must have you," she moaned.
<i>"I'm turned on by tweed."
<i>With haste we did scamper
<i>To my chamber anon.
<i>We fell to the couch,
and, bro, it was on.
<i>I unlaced her bodice.
<i>Our passions grew deeper.
<i>And thus ends the tale
of the sexless innkeeper.
No way.
You made that up.
Are you coming back
bed, professor?
Whew!
God, I love being single.
Barney, you ready for brunch
with Lily and Marshall?
What have I done?
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