Kids, your uncle Barney had been called
<i>a lot of names over the years.
Jerk!
Bastard!
Barack Obama Jr.?!
Mm-hmm.
And yes... we can.
<i>But there's one name none of us
<i>ever expected
to hear him called.
Boyfriend.
Barney Stinson is my boyfriend.
I've said it, like,
a hundred times
it still sounds
weird to say.
Well, anything sounds weird
if you say it a hundred times.
Bowl.
Bowl.
Bowl.
But other than that, things are good?
Bowl.
Bowl.
I don't know.
I think Barney's been single for too long.
Bowl.
Like, the other night, I wake up at 4:00 a. m.-
Bowl.
Barney, are you awake?
Barney?
Barney.
This is not
a one-night stand.
We're dating.
Come back to bed.
Bowl.
That's happened three times.
Bowl.
And it's not just that, it's other things.
Hey. What's wrong?
It was just one thing after another
at work today,
and then...
I found out my aunt's
in the hospital.
I'm just, I'm feeling
so overwhelmed and it's just...
Shh, shh, shh.
What you need to do is talk
through this stuff.
Oh, thanks.
And then, once you're
off the phone with Lily,
I'll be down in the bar
ready to have sex.
Mm-kay?
Bowl.
Look, I'm not
the touchy-feely-est
person in the world, but...
a little more effort
would be nice.
Bowl. Bowl.
I understand.
Bowl. I guess, in a lot of
ways, Barney doesn't stack up.
Bowl. Bowl.
I mean, you've had some pretty incredible boyfriends.
Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl.
No, that's not it.
Bowl.
I don't know.
Maybe he just
doesn't have it in him.
Maybe is whole thing's
a big mistake.
Bowl?
She really said that?
And she meant it.
Trust me. I dated
Robin for a year- if you
don't want to lose her,
you gotta try
a little harder.
Be more attentive
to where she is emotionally.
You know, just be present.
Yes, totally.
Yeah.
Only thing,
and this is just me-
Mm-hmm.
I like my testicles
attached to my body,
rather than rolling around
next to some eyeliner
in Robin's purse.
Stinson out!
<i>But then
a funny thing happened.
<i>Over the next couple weeks,
Barney was thoughtful,
<i>considerate...
<i>sweet.
<i>In short,
the perfect boyfriend.
<i>Which, to Robin,
meant only one thing.
He's cheating on me.
What?!
Why else would
he buy me flowers?
He's gettin' some
on the side.
Oh, come on, Robin.
Barney's not the type of guy
who would... Go on.
Plus, he keeps saying
he's working late.
But when I call his office,
they say he left hours ago.
Well, that doesn't
prove anything.
Yes. Proof. Go word.
I'm glad you
brought that up.
Barney's briefcase.
He forgot it
here this morning.
And what do you plan
on doing with it?
We, we- you and I-
are going to open it up
and look for evidence.
Ted probably has a sledgehammer
around here somewhere.
No! Stop!
Stop! Eye contact.
Listen to me.
Robin Scherbatsky
is many things:
friend, confidant,
occasional guest star
in some confusing dreams
that remind me a woman's
sexuality is a moving target.
But she is no crazy,
jealous stalker-bitch.
Let go.
Hey, I've been down
in the basement
storage area going through
all the stuff that
Lily and I left behind when
we moved out. I'm Robin.
We should've cleared it out
for you much sooner.
There's a basement storage area?
Oh, you're not upset.
Good.
Baby,
guess what I found.
Oh, that's great, honey.
What the hell is that?
Marshall got it in college.
He used it as a
nightstand for years.
Until we found out that Lily
was allergic to barrel resin
Barrel resin?
Just go with it.
So you need a hand
throwing it out?
No, I'm not...
I'm not just going
to throw her out, okay?
Mabel's like family.
So, um, what are you going
to do with Mabel?
I want to give her away,
um, to a lucky new owner.
Do you know anyone?
Yeah, hmm, let me think.
Do I know any rodeo clowns?
Oh, that's weird, I do.
But even Lenny wouldn't
go near that mess.
Well, he's not going
to have the chance,
because I am putting old Mabel
in the Bermuda Triangle.
<i>"The Bermuda Triangle"
was the name we'd given
<i>years earlier to the curb right
in front of our building.
<i>Whenever we wanted
to give something away,
<i>we'd put it right there.
<i>It was uncanny.
This is so exciting.
Right now there's some
out there who has no idea
that tonight they're
going home with just...
just the best barrel.
Well, let's just hope
they're not allergic
to barrel sin
like Lily here.
Be cool, baby. Damn!
See you, sweetie.
Good luck.
Bye, babe.
Now, can we please
get out of here?
Yeah. I'll grab my coat.
Oops.
A college notebook?!
Oh, my God,
he's cheating on me
with some college girl.
I knew there was a skank
but I thought
she'd at least be dumb.
"Birthday: July 23.
"Favorite hockey team:
the Vancouver Canucks.
Age: 29, but tells
people that she's 26."
Oh, my God,
these are notes
about me.
Or some 29-year-old
version of me.
I hope I'm not too late!
I want to see the look of joy
on the new owner's face!
She's still there!
Okay Mabel, let's find
you a new home.
Here comes a guy!
And he... he just walked,
walked right on by it.
He's probably rushing home to
get a handcart or something.
Yeah!
Hey, better hurry up, pal.
What are you guys doing
with Barney's
secret Robin notebook?
Let me rephrase that.
Did you two ladies
lose some weight?
What do you know
about this, Marshall?
Why would Barney
have a notebook full
of information about me?
Well...
<i>The truth was...
<i>Barney was taking a
night school class taught...
<i>by me.
Welcome to Robin 101.
Why is Ted teaching
a class about me?
It all started
a few weeks ago.
...rather than rolling around
next to some eyeliner
in Robin's purse.
Stinson out!
Stinson back in.
Say, hypothetically,
did want to change who I am
to become a better boyfriend
to Robin, which I do not!
What kind of changes
are we talking about?
Why, I mean,
there's just so much
you need to know about her.
Okay, for starters,
don't ever cry in front her.
Okay.
And whatever you do,
don't cry in front of her
four times.
Hey, guys.
What you talking about?
Fantasy football.
Fantasy football.
They realized
they couldn't talk about
this stuff
at the bar, and
since you live with Ted,
they had to find someplace safe.
So... Ted's classroom.
"How To Date Robin Scherbatsky. "
Lesson one.
Now, even though she puts up
a tough exterior,
what Robin really wants,
deep down...
I'm bored.
You said you wanted my help.
Can we draw boobs
on the chalkboard?
We did that ready.
No, like, really big boobs.
No. Look, I need this, too.
I've only been
a professor a few weeks.
Being up here, it's,
it's good practice for me.
Can we have class outside?
No! What Robin really
wants deep down...
Barney!
What?
I'm tweeting about you.
You should be flattered.
How do you spell
blah-blah-blah- "H's" or no?
Wow, you were just,
like, the worst student
in the world, weren't you?
They said I had
A- D... something.
Can we have class outside?
Barney, I'm only gonna
say this once,
so listen up.
I love you and I love Robin.
And I want to make this work.
So if you give me
a few weeks of attention,
I could give you
a lifetime of happiness.
Can you do that for me?
<i>Do you think I should get
Sports Illustrated
for 70% off the cover price?
Can we have class outside?
I got to find a way
to reach this kid.
"Class number two. "
"Top Ten Robin Scherbatsky
Facial Expressions
And Their Meaning. "
Now, notice the vacant eyes,
the pale, queasy expression,
suggesting nausea.
What do these mean?
You guys just had sex?
Oh!
Wasn't me.
Dude! I worked really hard
on these slides, okay?
Can we just...
Okay.
This look is hunger.
If you ever see Robin
looking like this,
get some food in her quick,
Or one of two things
will happen.
One: weird, out-of-context
laughter
Or two: spontaneously falling
to sleep in strange places.
But the most important facial
expression of all?
That's a building.
Oh...
That's for my class.
The Flatiron Building.
Fun story about it.
It was designed by Chicago's
Daniel Burnham
in the beaux arts style;
this architectural gem
Right.
The most important facial
expression of all.
Whoa...
Flared nostril ridges.
Wide, unblinking eyes.
If you ever,
<i>ever see this
face, Barney,
run.
<i>And don't take
a picture of it.
She will punch you.
And you will cry...
for the third time...
that night.
Which brings us
to an important point:
defusing the bomb.
"Defusing the bomb"?
What does that even mean?
"Three Topics
To Distract Robin
From Being Mad At You. "
"Distract" me? Oh, that
is so condescending.
These guys are really
starting to piss me off!
"Immediately switch the conversation
To one of the following,
"unless you want
Robin to start
throwing her shoes. "
One.
"Vancouver Canucks
2004 Division Title. "
What?!
That's not distracting.
That's just talking
about the story
Of a scrappy little
underdog team
that prevailed despite
very shaky goal ending
and, frankly, the declining
skills of Trevor Linden.
Two: "Proper Gun Cleaning
and Maintenance. "
You have to clean your gun
My uncle had
a filthy old shotgun,
blew both his thumbs off
trying to shoot a beaver.
You want to distract someone,
make them watch my uncle
try to eat corn on the cob.
Three: "Emperor Penguins. "
Did you know
that before intercourse,
the male and female emperor
penguins bow to each other?
Mr. Penguin.
Mrs. Penguin.
Oh, God, silly penguins,
acting all fancy.
What were we talking about?
Uh-oh.
Looks like we got a taker.
Oh, come on, dude.
You know you want to
A guy like you,
beard, no mustache.
You're exactly the kind of guy
who could use a sweet barrel.
Do it.
No. No.
That's not a fire hydrant!
What...
For shame, Sir. For shame!
I bet you couldn't even grow
a mustache if you wanted to.
Neither can you, sweetie.
Well, he doesn't
know that, baby! God!
Ted's only teaching Barney
horrible things about me.
I don't know.
Check this out.
This is actually
kind of sweet.
Now, we all know
Robin's not
what you'd call
"touchy-feely. "
She doesn't say, "I love
you," like a normal person.
Instead, she'll laugh,
shake her head,
give you a little smile
and say, "You're an idiot. "
"You're an idiot"?
Yup.
If she tells you you're an
idiot, you're a lucky man.
And if she does say
"I love you,"
she's already broken up
with you in her mind.
I think's nice
that Ted knows you that well.
Ah, well, too bad it's
next to a page entitled...
"Robin Scherbatsky's
Surprising Erogenous Zones. "
Right knee- ticklish.
Left knee...
Does lefty like that?
Oh, yeah...
lefty like that.
I can't believe I'm taking
sexual advice from Ted Mosby.
That's like taking
fashion advice from...
well, Ted Mosby.
Oh, here's a good one.
"Top Five Things Never
to Do Around Robin. "
Three: "Never, ever
play the 'Guess Who' game
with her. "
What do you mean?
Guess who?
It's me! It's me! It's me!
Number four: "Unless you want to
see it 80 times a day,
for the next month,
never show Robin a YouTube clip
of an animal playing
a musical instrument. "
Barney!
Do you have a problem
with this class?
Yeah, it's boring as hell
and I'm not learning anything.
Uh, well, maybe the problem
is your attitude.
You're not listening
to a word I say.
Uh-huh. Uh, can you
hear this, Professor?
Or should I turn it up for you?
It may not have been
a thumbs-up, kids.
Oh, you think you're
not learning anything, huh?
Okay.
Pop quiz.
What...
When Robin's PMS-ing, what kind
of chocolate should you get her?
Trick question.
Get her butterscotch.
Correct! Why?
Butterscotch is
to Canadian women
what chocolate is
to American women.
Correct!
What is Robin's dream job?
To become the most successful
female TV journalist of all time.
Correct! And if she achieves
that, will she truly be happy?
No! Robin's deep-seated need
for attention can traced back
to her father's
emotional distance,
and no amount of success
will ever make up
for what she truly needs,
which is six simple words
from her Dad: "Robin,
I'm proud of you, eh?"
Yes!
But I guess you're right.
You haven't learned anything.
Sorry to have wasted your time.
"Oh, Captain! My Captain!"
<i>How good was
Dead Poet's Society?
I know, right?
The end? Tears.
Okay, can I just say that
my deepest need in life
not to have my father to
say, "I am proud of you, eh?"
I'm not crying.
Oh, sweetie.
Can I get you
some butterscotch?
Oh, stop it.
Wait a second.
It says here that the class
meets at 6:15 on Tuesday.
So?
That's right now.
Now, as you can see,
well over 50% of the blankets
have been dragged
onto her side.
Make no mistake.
Robin Scherbatsky
is a classic, textbook...
cover hog.
Any questions?
Yeah, I have one.
Yes, Robin?
Flared nostril ridges.
Wide, unblinking eyes.
Uh-oh.
I got this.
So, emperor penguins-
crazy, huh?
What the hell
do you two think you're doing?
Marshall, did you sells out?
I said good-bye to
a very dear friend today.
Dude, it's a barrel!
Aw!
You're giving Mabel away?
I have so many questions.
Why would you do this?
What were you thinking?
Who the hell is that guy?
Oh, that's Shin-Ya.
He's sort of been
auditing the class.
"Auditing"?
Well, tried to explain
to him it wasn't a real class,
but I don't think he speaks
much English.
On the bright side, he came in
handy standing in for you
during
the role-playing exercises.
Wait.
You did role-playing exercises
where I was played by Shin-Ya?
You know,
I can't believe you, Ted.
You actually think you're
some kind of an expert on me?
<i>Hey! He is an expert.
He's a great teacher!
Kiss ass.
You know, half the stuff
in this notebook
is patently wrong.
Uh, really?
Name one wrong thing.
"Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising
Erogenous Zones"?
Let me clear something up
for you, Ted.
Does lefty like that?
Oh. Yeah...
Oh, uh, no.
Um, the right one's
ticklish, I guess.
But the left one, yeah,
I'm glad you're back there.
Because that is just some
sweet, sweet lovin'.
Noted.
That was a lie?
We had just started dating.
I was being nice.
And you.
You know,
I got it into my head
this week
that you were
cheating on me.
I even broke open your briefcase
to look for evidence.
That is a huge violation
of my privacy!
Go on.
You know, in a way,
I was right.
You cheated.
You can't get some crib
sheet on dating me.
That's not how it works.
If we didn't figure out
how to be with each other
in a real, honest way,
I don't see the point
of even trying.
What do you want?
Look.
All that stuff I told Barney...
It was personal
between you and me.
I'm really sorry.
I guess I'm impressed
by how much you remembered.
It's funny.
When you date someone, it's like
you're taking one long course
in who that person is and
then, when you break up,
all that stuff
becomes useless.
It's the emotional equivalent
of an English degree.
I guess I just liked the idea
of putting all my Robin
Scherbatsky knowledge
to good use, you know?
Well, since you know me
pretty well...
am I fooling myself
with this whole Barney thing?
I don't know.
I will say this, though.
I've seen Barney work
Very hard to get women.
I've seen him work very
hard to get rid of women.
I've never seen him work
this hard to keep one around.
I was going to
give him an A.
Well, B+ - Shin-Ya kind
of screwed up the curve.
Hey.
Before you say anything,
I am done with this
stupid Robin 101, okay?
Here, I'll get rid
of the notebook.
But there's...
there's something that
I did want to say to you.
Robin, I have been
with a lot of women-
blondes, brunettes, redheads;
big boobs, small
boobs, medium boobs;
some boobs that were big,
but kind of in a bad way.
The point is-
boobs that pointed
in opposite direc-
...I'm really scared that
you're going to dump me
and that's why I did
this and I'm sorry.
You're an idiot.
You know...
Hmm?
That notebook, um, does contain
a lot of personal info,
and I think it has
my home address.
Hmm. And your
work address.
Whoa.
Hey, guys! If you don't want
the barrel,
can you sit somewhere else?
You're scaring away potential takers.
Designed
by Chicago's Daniel Burnham
in the beaux arts style,
this architectural gem was
the first of its kind...
Uh, Professor Mosby?
Yes, Susan?
That's a woman drinking beer
on the toilet.
Right.
That-That...
was Daniel Burnham's wife.
She was a troubled,
troubled woman.
We are moving on.
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