How I Met Your Mother: How I Met Your Mother - S05E08

Kids, the secret to dating
is very simple:
Be confident, be comfortable
in your skin,
be assured of who you are.
Uncle Barney was really good
at that last one,
even though a lot of the time
who he was was someone else.
Hi. Do you see that guy
over there in the scuba suit?
You thinking of going
and talking to him?
No.
Good. He's seriously
the biggest jerk
on the face of the Earth.
How do you know him?
Oh, he's one of my best friends.
So what's with the scuba suit?
Well, it's a long story.
See, he just went through
a breakup...
NARRATOR:
There's two basic philosophies
of how to handle yourself
after a breakup.
Some people throw
themselves into...
My career. That's my number one
focus right now.
From now on, no more dating.
It's all about work.
NARRATOR:
While others throw
themselves into...
Every woman in New York City.
That's right, Barney Stinson
is back on the market.
Mothers, lock up your daughters.
Daughters, lock up
your MILSWANCAs.
MILSWANCAs?
Wait, I can get this.
Mothers I'd Like To Sleep With
And Never Call Again.
Correct!
Cile gets the square.
Don't you think you're kinda
rushg back into this?
Lily, since I started dating
Robin, there's a certain
thing I haven't used as much
as I would like to.
It's... kinda big,
surprisingly heavy,
kind of leathery,
and it's black.
Huh?
This, my friends...
is The Playbook.
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Corrected by cRaZyMaGgOt and Alex28
www.addic7ed.com
The Playbook contains
every scam, con, hustle,
hoodwink, gambit, flimflam,
stratagem and bamboozle
I've ever used--
or ever hope to use--
to pick up chicks
and give them the business.
Wow, you wrote
another book?
Uh... we got a...
Stephen King over here.
It's all in here.
Everything from basic moves like
"The Don't Drink That."
Whoa, don't drink that.
I saw some guy
slip something in there.
What? Who?
Uh...
that guy.
(Ted grunts)
Thank you.
To more advanced maneuvers
like "The Mrs. Stinsfire."
Now Kappas, after our
disciplinary hearing
for lewd behavior last semester,
we have been aigned
a new housemom.
I'd like you to meet
Mrs. Stinsfire.
Hello, girls!
Wow. I can't picture
a way that wouldn't work.
What's
"The Loreo Von Matterhorn"?
I'm glad you asked.
"The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn"
will be
my grand return to the stage.
Or you know, the bed.
Actually, my bed
is kind of on a stage.
I put a platform underneath,
and got some lights going.
It's a real production.
Barney exits!
So, how about you,
Robin?
You getting back
out there?
Where is your playbook?
My playbook?
Yeah.
Bro, uh, two-volume
set, right here.
It's a great read
actually.
Yeah, I'm reading
it right now.
Anyway, I told you already, I'm
taking a break from all that.
Mm, mm. Marshall,
it's totally gonna happen.
So gonna happen.
What's gonna happen?
You're gonna fall in love.
So soon.
(laughs) Not likely I'm
focusing on my career.
I'm done with dating.
Oh, okay, we playing
The Pyramid?
Okay, uh,
"Things people say
right before they meet
the love of their life."
Ooh! Kelly Harris,
girl I went
to law school with said...
(Marshall's voice):
Hey, law school'so hard,
I just want to focus
on my studies.
Six months later?
Married!
We, that's all
well and good...
Travis Frenchroy, backup
bartender tells me...
(Ted's voice): Oh, I'm so
over the whole dating game.
I just want to focus
on my Star Trek fan fiction.
Six months later...
Married!
May I respond?
Mm-hmm
Well, that's all well
and good for them...
Matthew Blitz,
accountant at my office says...
(Marshall's voice):
Oh, I'm gonna die
single and alone.
I might as well just focus
on this year's taxes.
Six months later?
Protest all you want,
but it's gonna happen.
It's a law of nature.
Lawyered. Of nature.
Believe me, I'd love to have
no interest in a relationship.
There's no way
I'd be single right now
if I wanted to be single.
Okay, now you're ready.
Ready for what?
Three years ago,
this girl Shelly
started teaching
at my school.
The moment I saw
her, I was like,
"This is the girl for Ted."
Why am I just
hearing about her now?
Ah...
You know, I usually
hate being set up
but this Ted just
sounds so great.
Oh, he is.
He's so sweet and thoughtful
and intelligent.
MARSHALL:
Come on buddy!
One more chicken finger
and the crown is yours!
Hmm, I don't see him anywhere.
He must be out
doing charity work.
So, different bar?
(muffled): That girl with Lily's
pretty cute!
Oh, yeah she was cute.
Yeah, still is.
And now you're ready.
Yeah, bro, now
you can fit like,
three times as many
chicken fingers in your mouth.
You know it.
Okay, I will set it up,
but promise me you won't
do anything stupid.
I promise I won't do
anything stupid.
And I kept that promise.
But only because...
she never showed up.
I know. I'm sorry,
I feel terrible.
You should feel teible!
I do feel terrible! I do!
You should!
You should!
You should!
I do, I do!
I don't.
Look, I was really
looking forward to meeting Ted,
but I got to the bar
an hour early
and I met this amazing guy.
Like, seriously amazing.
And you met him at MacLaren's?
Yeah, right at the bar.
What's his name?
I shouldn't say.
Oh, what the heck.
It's Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!
You son of a bitch.
So, he hooked up
with Shelly?
You must've been pissed.
Damn straight.
Barney, I've had Shelly set
aside for Ted for three years.
Dude, Ted was not missing out.
She's brainy and annoying,
kind of boring in the sack.
Oh, I guess she would've
been perfect for Ted.
Oops.
Ow! Ok.
Had I known that
she was there to meet Ted,
of course I wouldn't
have done it, but...
given the circumstances,
I think Ted'll be proud of me.
I pulled off
"The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn."
Okay, what's the
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn?
My question exactly.
Okay, what's the
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn?
Glad you asked.
BARNEY:
To perform the
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn,
here's what you'll need:
Basic knowledge
of Web site design
and a very unique fake name.
So, think of your
fake name right now.
Have you got it? Good.
Now, select your target.
Preferably a girl
with a real ni...
phone.
(sighing)
Yeah, it's me.
Do I know you?
I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
Are you, like,
famous or something?
Yes.
(laughs)
What a refreshing
change of pace.
Nice to meet you...
Shelly.
Shelly.
Once again,
I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
Spelled like it sounds
two "T"s.
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
Ciao.
BARNEY:
Then, as soon as you're gone,
she gets out her phone
and does an Internet search
for Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
And that's when she discovers.
a series of fake Web sites,
all devoted
to the incredible life
of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
There's the fake
business article
about Lorenzo,
the reclusive billionaire.
The fake Explorers Club
newsletter
describing his balloon trek
to the North Pole
as a feat of pure
daring and imagination.
The fake medical journal
featuring the heartbreaking
story of doctors telling him
penis reduction surgery
isn't an option.
And by the time you get back..
Hi, Shelly,
uh, I hate to be forward,
but can I buy you
a cup of coffee?
Yes! Please.
What does coffee go
for these days, $50?
(laughs):
Oh, Lorenzo.
And it is on.
That's awful.
You realize you broke
her heart, right?
She's inconsolable.
Why would she be inconsolable?
Lorenzo's balloon
won't disappear over the Arctic
for another week.
The only way she would
be upset is if someone
told her it was all
a bunch of lies.
It was all just
a bunch of lies?
It was all just a bunch of lies.
The balloon expedition?
Lies!
The man-made island
shaped like his face
off the coast of Dubai?
Lies!
Finishing third
in the laser tag competition?
Li-- Oh, actually,
that one's true.
I went to that.
You went to the Vatican?
Lies!
Oh, my God!
Well, I hope you're
happy with yourself.
What?
You broke that girl's heart.
Me?
You!
She'll probably never
trust a guy again.
You ruined her for Ted.
Not to mention
Julio Von Matterhorn,
Lorenzo's twin brother.
Can you believe that?
He blames me
Oh, and by the way, Ted,
I bet she'd still
go out with you.
Hm, let me think.
Do I want to go out with
a girl Barney hooked up with?
Guys, help me out
with the harmonies.
Sure.
* Hell no...
* Hell no...
* Hell no...
* Hell no...
Well, you must be a
little bothered by this.
Well, it's his life.
Look, if these girls are dumb
enough to fall for this crap,
Agreed.
Have you seen the one
there labeled "The SNASA"?
Wow, you're an astronaut?
Shh!
I'm actually in a top secret
government space program
called Secret NASA
or SNASA.
Wow, SNASA.
Mm-mm.
Do you go to the Moon and stuff?
Well, not the Moon
you're familiar with,
though I have been
to the Smoon.
Wow, the Smoon.
If you fall for that one,
my heart breaks for you,
but I'm sorry,
you're a smoron.
So, what happens next?
Well...
Come on, Barney,
you just...
You just got out of an
honest to God relationship.
(sighs)
You're a real boy now.
You can't go back
to these cheap tricks.
Cheap tricks?!
Not one of these
is a cheap trick.
Except for "The Cheap Trick."
I'm the bass player for Cheap Trick.
And even that one involves
expensive hair extensions.
Now, if you don't mind,
I am off to prepare for
tonight's main event.
I will be performing
"The He's Not Coming."
Glad you asked.
BARNEY:
To perform
"The He's Not Coming,"
here's what you'll need:
The observation deck
of the Empire State Building.
Are you there?
Good.
For generations,
this has been the spot
New Yorkers have chosen
for their romantic reunions
with long-estranged lovers,
so all you have to do
is walk up to every girl you see
and say..."He's not coming."
What are you
talking about?
Never mind.
He's not coming.
He's not coming.
She's not coming?
Sorry.
Until sooner or later...
(sighs)
He's not coming.
He's not?
But we agreed.
We always said
we'd meet here.
On this night.
(gasps)
(sobbing):
I'm such a fool.
Shh, shh, shh...
All right, I'm going
to go get the paper.
More like,
go get a husband.
Totally.
Okay, you guys need
to stop that, seriously.
The last thing I am looking for
right now is a relationship.
Uh-huh. When you
pick up that newspaper,
be sure to check
the wedding announcements.
(singsongy):
For yours.
MARSHALL:
Robin, it's like this.
Do you have any idea how
many times in my life
I've gone to t freezer
looking for frozen waffles
and not found them?
Thousands?
Millions.
But when I go to the freezer
looking for a Popsicle--
or the remote control because
Lily and I are having a fight
and she's hidden it there--
you know what I fi?
Frozen waffles.
That's how it works.
You go out there looking
for a paper,
you're coming back
with frozen waffles.
And, in this case, frozen waffles
is a guy.
Also, could you pick up
some frozen waffles?
In that case, frozen waffles...
are frozen waffles.
Guys, code red! Emergency.
Lock down. Nobody's leaving.
Whoa, what happened?
I tried "The He's
Not Coming,"
and it worked.
Gangbusters.
You should have
seen this girl.
Bang, ping,
pa-dowga-donk.
Okay, I'm leaving.
So, we get up to my place,
and I go into my room
to set up the camera--
to light the candles--
and when I come out,
she's gone,
and so is The Playbook!
I think we all know
who is responsible for this.
Yeah, we do.
Yeah.
Al-Qaeda.
No, you idiot.
It was me.
You son of a bitch.
Wow, you stole
The Playbook?
So, the girl on the
Empire State Building?
A friend of mine--
an actress.
An actress.
Of course.
That explains her impeccable
diction and her sluttiness.
Barney, I've got half a mind
to take that playbook
and put it up on the internet
for the whole world to see.
You wouldn't.
I won't, as long as you agree
to no more scams, no more cons,
no more hustles,
no more hoodwinks,
no more gambits,
no more stratagems
and no more bamboozles.
I notice you
left out flimflams.
No more flimflams!
Damn it.
Oh, my God.
I-I'm sorry to interrupt,
but look at this.
No.
I got left at the altar.
Oh, my God, that's horrible.
I wonder if that would work.
That's not even
the worst one in here.
Have you guys seen, uh,
"My Penis Grants Wishes"?
Really?
A genie comes t of it?
Only if you rub it hard enough.
So, then, what happened?
It says here he breaks
into song,
and then the furniture comes
to life and dances with him.
It's not very well
thought out.
It's no
"Mrs. Stinsfire."
No, what happened
in real life?
Well, a few
hours later...
(banging on door)
You know,
I heard it was gonna rain.
If anyone's interested,
I will be at MacLaren's Pub
performing a play
out of The Playbook entitled "The Scuba diver"
That is all.
Okay, that's it.
I'm putting The Playbook up
on the Internet.
Baby, can you put The Playbook
up on the Internet?
Yeah. Of course, baby,
but here's the...
here's the weird thing.
I have literally been through
this book cover to cover.
There is no play in here
called "The Scuba Diver."
BARNEY:
Oh.
So, now you guys want to know
what "The Scuba Diver" is.
Well, it was
on the last page
of The Playbook,
but I ripped it out
just in case.
Don't worry, though,
You're about to see it
in action.
See the blond over there
by the bar?
Tizzarget acquizzired.
Barney, don't do this.
You're so...
Ah, give it a rest, pest.
If anyone
should be mad,
it should be Rob.
She loves The Playbook.
I don't love
The Playbook.
What are you talk...?
The Playbook-- it's gold.
You got to admit
it's pretty spectacular.
Look, Barney, we just broke up.
I mean, yes,
the costumes are cute, but...
we just broke up.
Well, I didn't...
I didn't know you felt that way.
I guess I've been so wrapped up
in my own stuff that I...
Oh, crap,
she's looking over he.
Quick, everyone,
scatter.
That's it.
Hi. You see at guy
over there in the scuba suit?
And that brings us
to rig now.
Wow.
But... wait.
So, why is he
wearing scuba gear?
We don't know.
And it's killing us,
Claire.
It's killing us!
Let's go ask him.
So, what's
"The Scuba Diver"?
And this iClaire, by the way.
Hello, Claire.
My name is Lieutenant
Frank Lyman.
I train bomb sniffing
dolphins for the Balt...
You know what?
I'm... I can't...
I can't...
I can't do ts.
Robin...
I'm so sorry.
I guess
this breakup's
been tougher on me
than I thought.
I think
this playbook
was just a way to take my mind
It's okay.
It's been tough on me, too.
I mean, look at me.
I've sworn off relationships.
She's so about
to get married.
I got to work
on my toast.
I got to make
sure my tux fits.
I will bang your heads together
like coconuts.
LILY:
Barney, I'm so glad
you're stopping this.
And-and, frankly,
the real Barney
is way cooler than any
of the fake Barney's
in this any book.
Oh, is that right?
Claire, you've
probably heard a lot
about the real
Barney tonight.
Want to grab a
cup of coffee?
Claire, before you
turn him down,
I-I think you should know
that under this neoprene suit
with what appears to be
a tube sock stuffed
in the crotch.
Can of Pringles,
but go on.
...is an amazing guy.
He's fun
and one of my
best friends.
And he landed
this hottie.
He's a good guy.
Come on, Claire,
go out with him.
MARSHALL:
It's just a cup
of coffee, right?
Right? Come on.
ROBIN: Yeah.
LILY: Can't hurt.
All right, all right.
Let's t some coffee.
NARRATOR:
And by the end of the night...
I'm prd
of that guy.
To be that vulnerable
takes a lot of Prings.
(cell phone chiming)
Ooh. I got a text
from Barney.
Oh.
"Look under the table."
Oh.
It's a page from The Playbook.
What does it say?
's "The Scuba Diver."
BARNEY:
Step one: tell a meddlesome
female friend
about The Playbook.
Step two: run play
on one of her coworkers,
king her so angry
She steals the Playbook.
Step Three: Put on a scuba suit
and tell her you're going to do
one more scam
called "The Scuba Diver"
on the hot girl
standing by the bar.
Your fend--
let's call her Lily--
goes and talks to the girl
and tells her
everything about The Playbook.
Now, here's where
it gets tricky.
When Lily and the girl ask
at "The Scuba Diver" is,
about your deep-seated
insecurities
which don't really exist
because-- let's face it--
you're awesome.
Feeling bad for you,
Lily talks you up
to the girl, who then agrees
to go get coffee with you.
And it... is... on.
You son of a bitch.
I'll give you a call.
All right. Bye-bye.
Uh, for those of you
keeping score,
"The Ted Mosby" works.
Shh.
Robin, here we go.
Say you don't want a relationship.
Well, the love of
your life is about
to walk through
the door,
and it's...
that guy.
Yeah, I'm not falling in love
with that guy.
Right, right, right,
because it's going to be...
th guy.
Mmm, I don't know.
The blue blazer's just,
like, not doing it for me, so...
Yeah, yeah.
You're right, 'cause here
he comes. It's that guy!
Oh, Robin.
You should at least
give her a chance.
You know, make out
with h a little,
see if there's
something there.
Okay, I'm going to work.
Yeah, you are.
No, i'm actually going to work.
Uh-huh. Go, work it.
Mm-hmm.
NARRATOR:
And the ironic part was...
Hi. Are you Robin?
Yeah.
I'm Don, your new co-host.
That was the day she met Don.
Damn it, Marshall.

How I Met Your Mother

5/18/2011

How I Met Your Mother - S05E08 - The Playbook

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