Times square on
new year's eve,
Rockefeller center
around christmastime...
Yeah! But most of all...
A college bar? Oh, man.
We're probably going to
run into my students.
They're going to corner me
and want a free lecture.
I don't even have
my slide projector.
damn it.
Ted, I've been skee-ball
champ here since law school.
I have to pop in at
least once a month
To maintain my record.
Whoa. Looks like you've
been gone a while.
Some guy named big fudge
has been cleaning up.
Yeah, he has.
And you're big fudge.
The biggest.
Um, so by the way,
I-I have to tell you
something. Yeah.
I, uh... invited jenkins.
Jenkins? No way!
We'd all started
hearing about jenkins
A few weeks earlier.
You guys will not believe
what jenkins did this time.
Who's jenkins?
Oh, he's this hilarious
New lawyer at
marshall's office.
Hilarious.
Okay, so there's this jar
Of maraschino cherries
in the fridge at work.
So, jenkins says,
"200 bucks,
I'll eat the whole jar."
So, we give jenkins
200 bucks...
Jenkins.
And after that,
the stories kept coming.
So, the cfo comes in to sign
some acquisition papers.
So, jenkins goes,
"Excuse me, mr. Wilcox.
I think we forgot one
of the documents."
Jenkins!
So, we all go out for
beers after work.
Jenkins gets up on the
bar and starts gyrating
Like some sort of
deranged stripper.
Next thing you know,
off comes the shirt!
It was so gross.
All : jenkins.
Right?
Well, it'll be great to
finally meet the famous
jenkins
After all those stories. Yeah.
And there's about to
be one more story.
I'm going to bang jenkins.
What? You heard me.
You-you want to have
sex with jenkins?
With jenkins, on jenkins,
near jenkins.
You name it. I want to
wear jenkins like a sock.
You... but you're...
Haven't you... i'm...
Really? Woman: hey, guys.
Ted, this is jenkins.
Oh.
Okay, this is going
to sound crazy,
But I thought
jenkins was a guy.
What? That's crazy!
What gave you that idea? Oh,
I don't know.
Maybe the whole "Jenkins peed
out the window of a cab"
Story.
Yeah. Much more
impressive now, isn't it?
Yeah. Okay, I'll come clean!
It all started a
few weeks ago.
By the way, four eyes,
new lawyer.
This is jenkins.
Watch out for this guy.
He steals stuff.
I don't steal stuff.
And I don't wear glasses.
I'm marshall. Hi, marshall.
So, are you really a vikings
fan or was he lying about
that, too?
Why? Is this a trap?
Are you a packers fan?
My wife knows I'm here.
She doesn't have money,
but what she does have
Is a very special
set of skills.
I'm a vikings fan, too!
I bleed purple and gold.
I'm from pelican rapids.
Pelican rapids?
No way. Yeah.
My grandpa lives
in pelican rapids.
Well, I mean, he's dead now,
But he haunts a
barn off route 108.
whoa!
Hold it, hold it. Dude,
If you tell me
you have a thing
For a woman that
is not your wife,
I will drag you outside
and kick your ass.
Okay, first of all...
come on, buddy.
You can't handle the fudge.
Second of all, no.
I think of her like a...
A big brother.
Who, I guess, has boobs.
But so does my oldest brother,
marvin jr. Anyway,
That night,
I told lily about it.
Jenkins.
Aw. I can't wait to meet him.
I should have corrected her.
It would have been so easy.
But I didn't, so,
After that, whenever I
talked about jenkins,
I always avoided pronouns.
So, the head of
marketing comes in
To choose people for
the midwest audit.
So, he goes, "Him, him, her,
"Him, him...
Jenkins, him, her."
Look, I don't understand why
you wouldn't just tell lily.
Do you really think she'd
be all that jealous?
Ted, think about those
stories I told you.
Yeah, I could see how
that'd be a problem.
Exactly. That's why
lily can't find out.
Lily can't find out what?
That marshall's going
to buy her a horse.
You are?
That is so awesome!
I love those things.
Hey, guys, why...
Why is that kid over
there staring at me?
I think I know what this is.
I think it has
finally happened.
I'm getting
recognized fromy show.
Oh, robin, that is so cute.
But that's scotty.
He's one of my students,
and he's looking at me. Oh.
How weird is it that I'm
more famous than you?
I'm on tv.
Yeah, and I have 30
students in my class.
That's what,
30 times your viewership?
Now, this will give
scotty a little thrill--
Buying a drink
for the old prof.
All right, scotter,
one question
About neoclassical
architecture, and that is it.
You're robin
scherbatsky, right?
What? Yes, I am.
Wow. Look,
I-I didn't mean to stare.
It's just, I watch
your show all the time.
Really?
Really?
Totally.
What are you doing
out with ted?
Uh, it's professor mosby.
We're friends.
Holy crap!
Robin scherbatsky is friends
with my econ professor.
It's architecture!
All right,
you know what, scotty?
You're crowding us.
Hit the bricks.
Wait a minute.
You're big fudge.
Go!
Hello?
Hey, baby, I'm on my way up.
What? Why?
There was a measles
outbreak at school,
And they called a half day.
Thought I'd come by here,
have lunch,
Maybe give you the measles.
Okay.
Um, I have a problem.
That was my wife.
When I first mentioned you,
She mistakenly thought
you were a guy, and so...
So, now you're worried
that when she finds out
I'm a woman, she's going
to totally flip out.
Yes. E-exactly.
Oh, geez. Oh, gosh. Okay.
Okay, I was in an improv group
In pelican rapids.
Follow my lead. Okay.
Hey! Hey, baby.
Mmm. Oh, oh, hi.
I'm lily, marshall's wife.
I am from the french embassy.
I am here because of a
small but significant
Cheese incident
that occurred...
She's jenkins!
You're jenkins?
Yeah, well, that, uh,
camembert crisis
Isn't going to resolve itself,
So I'll catch you
guys on the flip-flop.
Marshall cringed.
This was the moment
he had feared.
The famous jenkins!
How about that?
Funny, I was picturing a guy.
Anywho, lunch?
Wait. W-w-w-w-wait.
So... so, you're
not jealous at all?
I never have to worry about
you with another woman.
Right, because we're so
hopelessly in love, right?
Yeah, sure.
Anywho, lunch?
She wasn't jealous at all.
Of course, she wasn't jealous.
That's the whole dynamic
of your relationship.
What's that supposed to mean?
Uh, it's like this, my man.
Every good relationship has
a reacher and a settler.
Exactly. One person reaches
For someone out
of their league;
The other one settles for
someone below theirs.
I did not settle for lily.
Okay, yes,
she's a little short,
And-- true- my mom
says she doesn't have
The hips to birth an
eriksen child, but...
Oh, my god, you guys
think I'm the reacher.
That's why lily's not jealous.
The settler is never jealous
of the reacher because,
Where is the reacher
going to go?
The settler, lily,
is the best thing
That the reacher, marshall,
is ever going to get.
No. No... okay.
Yes, I am lucky to have lily,
But lily is just as lucky...
to have me.
Okay. Neither one of
us is the reacher.
Dude, you are so the reacher.
You're getting her a horse!
What? Shh. Take the hit.
Take the hit.
Thus ending modern
architecture's
Very brief experiment with the
v-frame house.
Excuse me a second.
What are you doing here?
I noticed you forgot
something this morning,
So I thought I'd bring it by.
Your pen. This is your pen.
And you chewed on the
end of it. Recently.
Ah, not a problem, ted.
Your class was on my way
to work. No, it's not.
At come on, get up new york!,
Where I'm an anchor, so...
I watch your show
all the time.
What?!
You watch the show? Oh!
Well, paint me flattered.
Any other fans out there?
Oh, we got... oh.
Okay, all right.
Thanks for coming by, robin.
Oh, well, tune in tonight.
I am doing a great
piece on snail poison.
Also,
Who's got the worst
pizza in new york?
I'll give you the
answer after traffic
On the ones, threes,
fives and nines.
Really?
You guys watch her show?
It's like watching a wel
l-lit aquarium,
But not as interesting.
And now that I think about it,
not as well lit.
Well, the truth is,
We watch it for
the drinking game.
The who now?
Her morning show
comes on so early,
We're usually
still at the bar,
So whenever she
does an interview,
You have to drink every
time she says, "But, um..""
"But, um..."?
"But, um..."
Apparently, she says it a lot.
It's funny.
I had a drinking
game based on robin,
But it was actually on robin.
I'd pour peach schnapps
in her belly button...
Dude, we agreed we
wouldn't do this.
Sorry. You're right.
She didn't like it anyway.
Said it woke her up.
Does she really say "But,
um.."" That much?
That night, we found out
just how much she said it.
Robin : oh, that's great.
But, um... ted: but,
um... barney: nice.
This wasn't your first
Spelling bee, was it?
Nope. Third.
Oh, good for you.
But, um...
But, um...
But, um... but, um...
Hmm.
Interesting article
in the paper.
Says that in every
relationship, there's a
reacher and a settler.
Really? Let me see it.
No, uh, it's not
in this newspaper.
It's in one I
read a while back.
This newspaper reminded
me of the other newspaper.
Anywho...
What do you think about that?
Well, I guess sometimes
that's the case.
But not in ours.
What? No, of course not.
Right.
Well, say-- gun to your head--
You had to say one of
us was the reacher.
Well, I'd say it's neither.
That's what makes us great.
Okay, now there's
a gun to my head
And our future children,
and our future cat or monkey,
Depending on who
wins the game of risk
We've been playing
for three years.
Nope.
No reacher, no settler.
Mmm. Mmm.
Well, how about this?
This went on for a while.
Until finally...
Our two kids,
Our eight grandkids,
our 11 great-grandkids
Are all on a plane
piloted by oprah
And it's about to crash
into an art museum
With all of your
favorite paintings,
And the only way... the
only way to save everything
Is just... is just to
answer the question:
Are you the reacher
or the settler?
And oprah's tried everything?
Everything!
You have to decide now.
Well, I guess,
if I had to say,
Then maybe I'd say
I'm the settler.
How could you say that?!
She thinks that
she's the settler.
I mean, that's it.
I gotta-I gotta prove to her
that I am not the reacher.
I gotta make her jealous.
Well, that's easy.
Here's the plan.
*Sleep with jenkins.
*I sleep with jenkins first.
*We do step two first.
I'm gonna go get
started on step two.
Okay, okay, I got something.
Remember the other night,
the skee-ball game?
When you were putting nothing
but wood in the 50 hole?
Whatever.
Just another night
for big fudge.
You thought she was into me?
Full-on lady wood.
Yes.
Of course.
A plan taketh shape.
If lady lily's jealousy
Young marshall cannot budge,
Then perchance,
fair gentles, big fudge...
Can...
Make her jealous.
Okay, let me try that again.
If lady lily's...
I got it, buddy.
I got it.
Ted, I have got a great idea.
Oh, is it "clean your hair
"out of the shower drain
when you're done"?
Seriously, it's like you're
trying to carpet the tub.
If you wanted to print out
one of your lectures or
something,
I could read it on air.
Coming from a more
entertaining source,
Your students might actually
pay attention and learn
something.
Oh, you're entertaining?
Last night, there was
three minutes of dead air
While you sewed a button
back on your sweater.
Look, just because your class
likes me more than you...
You're a drinking game! What?
That's why they watch.
They made a drinking
game out of you.
Every time you say "But,
um..."" They do a shot.
"But, um..."? Yeah.
I don't say, "But, um..."
I've never said, "But, um..."
Well, then, I guess it's not
a very good drinking game.
Which would mean last night,
when barney and I played it,
I didn't get super wasted and
throw up all over myself.
Oh, wait, I did both
of those things.
So, face.
Hey, jenkins. Hey, buddy.
Hey, so, um,
Lily and I are gonna go back
to that college bar again.
And, uh, we were wondering
if maybe you wanted to come.
Uh, you could just, like,
watch me play skee-ball
Or do exactly what you
did the other night.
Something like that.
It's really up to you.
I mean, I know that...
Hey, baby,
what are you doing home?
"Baby."
That's... that's a
name I don't deserve.
What?
Jenkins kissed me.
She kissed me.
The other day,
she saw me play skee-ball,
And I don't know, I guess
She caught some of
the big fudge fever.
But you have to know
I stopped it right away.
And just, you're the
only one for me, baby.
Oh, I see what this is.
This is about the whole
reacher/settler thing.
Come again for big fudge?
You want to make me jealous,
So you're making up a
story about jenkins.
I'm not making this up!
This happened.
That woman kissed
me with tongue.
Her-her tongue
was in my mouth.
Sure it was.
It was thick and rough
like a starfish arm.
Oh, I'm so jealous.
I'm just gonna go over there
and punch her right in the
nose.
Give her a knuckle sandwich.
Come on, baby.
You want some soup?
It happened!
Do you have any...
Split pea left?
These are just a few of
the many contributions
He made to
architecture and yet
He is only remembered
for one thing.
That my friends,
is the sad legacy
Of gregorio franchetti gazebo.
Any questions?
Hey, do you want to go out
drinking with us tonight?
What?
Yeah, we're gonna play
The robin scherbatsky
drinking game.
We were wondering if
you wanted to join us.
Well, what can I say except "
But, ums up."
Can I still come?
I'll pay. Nice.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
So, your third book was your
breakout novel but, um...
But, um...!
Damn!
Sorry.
But-- just "But" No "Um,
" Just "But."
Your first novel was
written more quickly.
That's correct.
But, um... all: but, um...!
How great is this?!
And it was right then
that robin got an idea
That would end the
drinking game forever.
I wanted to ask you about
The novel you're
writing right now.
But, um... all: but, um...!
...it's an idea you've
had for a, but, um...
But, um...!
...long time, but, um...?
But, um...!
No... no, no, no.
Don't drink, it's a trap!
I think I'm gonna go.
You can keep your ten bucks.
Okay, but, um,
thanks for being with us.
But, um, if there's any
college kids watching,
But, um, but, um, but,
um, but, um, but, um,
We have to drink, professor.
It's the rules.
She said "But, um"
But, um, but, um, but,
um... god help us all.
Here you are.
I'm so sorry I
kissed you yesterday.
That's okay.
And I'm sorry I had sex
with you in the mailroom.
That wasn't me.
Oh, good grief, that's two
Awkward conversations
I have to have today.
I don't normally do that.
I-I was really drunk.
You were drunk at 8:
00 in the morning?
Yeah, I don't know
how that happened.
Robin : I thought snail
pellets were safe, but, um...
But, um...!
I gotta get to work.
Man, that game is
really catching on.
Damn it, how could I do this?
It's okay.
No, you know what,
it's not okay.
You're the nicest guy
in this stupid office
And I really don't want to
screw up our friendship.
This is so embarrassing.
Please don't tell anyone.
No, who am I gonna tell?
Lily?
I told lily.
Oh, for pete's sake, well,
I gotta go talk to her.
I gotta apologize.
No! No! Don't... yes.
Marshall, I'm just gonna
tell her that it happened,
That it meant nothing
and that I'm sorry.
No, I...
Yes.
Yes. Do that.
I will.
Yeah, and if you don't
have time for all that,
Just tell her it happened,
and that you're sorry.
And if you're in a real rush,
you don't even have to say,
"I'm sorry""
Just tell her
that it happened.
That's the important part,
that it actually happened.
So emphasize that
as much as you can.
And so, lily, I guess
What I'm saying is,
it happened.
I feel terrible about it,
and I'm really sorry.
Well... it happened.
What are you going to do?
It happened.
Terrible! But like I said...
It happened.
Exactly, and I feel
awful about it.
And I'd hate myself
if what I did
Hurt you in any way or
affected your relationship
with marshall.
Please forgive me.
Kiss my husband?!
My husband?! Nobody kisses
My future baby daddy but me!
Marshall, you're
blocking the shot!
Well, I...
And, kids, your uncle marshall
Never tried to make
lily jealous again.
That's good.
Okay, we're just going to
have a nice, low-key class
today.
Not a lot of talking.
No loud noises.
'sup guys?
No, no, no, no.
Please, just... just go away.
I just wanted to
drop by and say...
Thanks for watching
Come on, get up new york!
Whoo!
But, um...!
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