<i>Aways of dealing with nerves.
It'll just be a few more
minutes, Mr. Stinson.
<i>Some people chew their nails.
<i>Some people tap their feet.
<i>And some people imagine
they're being interviewed
<i>by renowned sportscaster
Jim Nantz.
Hello, friends.
Every sport has had an icon
who transcends the game.
Boxing had Ali,
basketball had Jordan,
and the sport of sleeping
with random hotties
has my next guest,
Mr. Barney Stinson.
Barney, welcome.
Thanks, Jim.
Great to be back
on the show.
Good to have
you with us.
And, you know,
the stats,
they really speak
for themselves.
Over 200 women spanning
six continents,
17 nationalities,
74 sexual positions
and not a single fatty.
It's impressive.
Hey, uh, with all
these accomplishments, though,
there's one laurel
that's always eluded you.
Which brings us to last week.
What was the story there?
Buckle up, Jimbo,
this one's a doozy.
<i>It all started when I decided
<i>to set myself
a little challenge.
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
He's calling his shot.
Whatever girl I'm
pointing to right now,
that's who I'm going
home with tonight.
And...
Play ball!
Hey.
Hey.
How'd the date
with Dale go?
You know, sometimes, that guy
with the horn-rimmed glasses
and the Smurfs T-shirt
is just being ironic.
Sometimes,
he is a dork
with a lazy eye
and a love-hate relationship
with Gargamel.
Robin, just because
a guy talks a lot
about a fictional character
on a first date
doesn't mean he's not
husband material.
Sasquatch isn't fictional.
That was quick.
So, night one was
pretty routine.
Jim, there is nothing routine
about the way I get down.
Respect.
Take us to night two.
See that hottie over there
nursing a Black Russian?
She's about to chase that
with a white American.
Up top!
You know...
if you're not careful,
you're going to lose me.
You guys,
what should I say
when Dale calls
for a second date?
How do you know
he's going to call?
(laughs)
You're cute, Marshall.
But I think Mama knows
when a dude's digging the show.
I mean, he couldn't keep
his good eye off me.
TED:
Well, let him down easy.
People are fragile.
And sometimes, without
even meaning to,
you might rip someone's
beating heart out
and stomp on it in a
room full of 26 people
and a teacher's assistant.
How did school go today, Ted?
Something bad happened.
It was the first class
of the new semester...
Jamie Adamic.
Hi.
Brian Glow-atz.
Glau-atz?
Hi.
Well done.
Adding a fake name
to the sign-up sheet.
That's, uh... that's
real original, guys.
You know, I'd expect
inspired minds such as yours
to be a little more mature,
and frankly, more creative.
I mean, seriously.
What kind of a fake name
is Cook Pu?
Here. (laughs) Come on, guys.
It's got to at least sound real.
Cook Pu?
Here.
Whatever happened
to the classics?
Right, you know?
Seymour Butts.
Hugh Gerection.
Those were fake names,
but Cook Pu?
(crying):
Here.
Cook Pu!
She's back here, bro.
(laughing)
All right, come on,
let me have it.
Bring on all the
Cook Pu jokes.
Oh, we're not going
to make jokes, Ted.
I mean, that girl must be
really down in the dumps.
MARSHALL:
You really...
smeared the Pu name.
You guys finished?
Are you asking us if all the Pu
is out of our system?
(laughing)
LILY:
Wow, back-to-back nights.
Barney is on fire.
That girl's lucky.
Barney was the best sex
I ever had.
He's the best friend
I've ever had.
He's everything I
want Marshall to be.
He's everything
I wish I could be.
I'm just assuming that's what
they say when I'm not around.
I buy it. You're awesome.
Now, night three.
Paint us a word picture.
Jim, I could tell
I was on a roll,
so I decided to mix things up
a little bit.
I think I'm going to go
small boobs tonight.
You're disgusting.
Lily, they're people, too.
Here's your burgers.
Oh, thank you.
Thanks. TED: What,
you're not sharing?
You two always share a burger.
No, we don't.
We're not like weirdos
who share everything.
Uh, yeah, you are.
That's exactly what you are.
We're perfectly normal!
Guys, what's going on?
You know how Lily and I
have been looking
for new couple friends
ever since we lost
Robin and Barney,
and Ted and Stella,
and Ted and Robin,
and Ted and Victoria?
Geez, Ted, when are you going
to get your life together?
How did we end up here?
We went on a great
double date last night.
It... we were cool.
We were casual.
We didn't spaz out.
And then, one tiny
little detail came out
and the whole night
was ruined. Ruined!
(laughter)
And Joanna's toothbrush
flips off the side
of the sink,
hits the ceiling and falls
right into the toilet.
Come on.
That's... That's crazy.
Last week, the same thing
happened to our toothbrush.
<i>Our toothbrush?
Yeah.
Like, one toothbrush?
That you both use?
Every day?
Is that weird?
ALL:
Super weird.
Marshall, four
out of five dentists
just threw up
in their mouths.
Hey, check it out.
Barney's leaving
with another girl.
LILY:
Wow.
Three girls in
three nights.
That's gross,
even for Barney.
Gross? Are you kidding?
He's on his way
to a perfect...
(stammering):
Don't say it!
You'll jinx it.
Jinx what?
I was on my way toward...
a perfect week.
The perfect week.
Seven nights, seven girls,
zero rejections.
Incredible.
I mean, it's really
like the sexual equivalent
of baseball's perfect game,
but even rarer.
Yeah.
Uh, the only player in history
to have ever achieved both
was Mustache Pete Drexell
back in 1896.
(crowd cheering,
lively organ music playing)
Now, this wasn't
the first time
you'd come close
to a perfect week.
You learned the hard way,
though-
one mistake, and it's all over.
<i>Sometimes,
a teammate makes an error.
<i>Sometimes, one wild pitch...
You, me, the canned food aisle
in the bodega next door.
<i>...leads to a walk.
<i>And sometimes,
you just lose focus.
<i>And that almost always leads
to a hit.
But this week,
you were three for three
with no sign of slowing down.
I could do no wrong.
Wish I could say the same
for my friends.
Cook didn't show up
for class today.
I'm sorry.
Cook?
Yeah, Ted, we know, like,
a ton of people named Cook.
Yeah.
Cook Pu.
(laughter, phone ringing)
Uh-oh, here we go.
The dreaded Dale call.
Oh. It's my mom.
She's going through some pretty
major league health stuff.
God, why won't
that guy call?
LILY:
Wait a minute.
You want him to call?
No! Shut up.
Don't you guys
have, like, a...
like, a toothbrush
to share or something?
TED: Yeah. When did you guys
even start doing that anyway?
Like, years ago.
You should know.
We lived with you.
Uh, yeah,
but you always
kept your toothbrush
in the bedroom.
Also weird, by
the way. LILY: No.
We kept it
in the bathroom.
No, there was only one
toothbrush in the bathroom,
and it was mine.
Wait.
Are you saying that,
for eight years,
all three of you
shared one toothbrush?
Oh, my God. TED: Kill me.
Kill me!
I love this so much.
So, you're through four nights.
You're over the hump.
Nice, Jim.
Hey, I try.
I'm no you.
(both chuckling)
But then came night five,
and with it, trouble.
Beer here.
Hey.
Hey.
How's, uh... how's Barney
doing tonight?
Cool as a cucumber.
Just like he's been all week.
Yeah? That's hard to believe.
Why?
Apparently, this big merger
fell through last week
and Barney's being blamed for it.
Oh, that's weird.
He hasn't said anything.
Look, I work with the guy.
I didn't find out
until this afternoon,
when I walked
by his boss's office.
...you cost this company,
Stinson?!
<i>I'd never seen Barney
look that scared.
I... I think he's
going to get fired.
I can't believe Barney
might get fired.
Yeah, they're having
a meeting on Friday
to determine whether or not
he keeps his job.
Poor guy.
He must be freaking out.
Yeah, I'm going to go talk
to him. (stammering): No!
You can't distract a man
in the middle of a...
you-know-what.
Oh, come on,
this is his career.
This is much more important
than some stupid perfect...
Ah!
O- Okay.
You can lick my hand
as long as you want.
I'm not going to let you
ruin his... Ow!
Guys, we need to talk to him.
I'll go.
He needs a bro.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Everything all right?
Absolutely. Sure.
Top of the world.
(sighs)
Who am I kidding?
I need your help.
Anything, buddy.
What is it?
(sighs)
Which one of these girls
looks the dumbest?
All right, kid.
Let's check the scouting report.
What about the heater?
High and outside?
All right.
I'd go with the slider.
Thanks, Skip.
Yep.
So, what did he say?
Hmm? Oh!
Yeah, he's going
to take a swat at the
Hamburglar over there.
You were supposed to talk
to him about losing his job.
Lily, how is forcing him
to dwell on a problem
he can do nothing about
going to help him?
How is ignoring it going
to solve anything?
Well, you ignored
good dental hygiene
for the better
part of a decade,
and you seem to
be doing just...
Cook Pu! (giggling): Cook Pu.
Dale call yet?
Why do you got to...
Guys, guys, guys, look!
Barney, I'm going to
stop you for a second.
There's something I have to ask.
Have you ever used
performance-enhancing drugs?
No, sir.
I respect the game too much.
Although, I can't say
I haven't been offered.
Dude, it was pretty awesome.
You should try it.
I have, I have some more.
No, thanks.
You sure?
All right, suit yourself.
What time is it?
It's, uh, 8:00.
8:00?
I need to go to the hospital.
I'd never touch the stuff.
You can test me if
you want, Jim Nantz.
Barney, I trust you.
I regret I even asked you
the question.
Okay, let's go to night six.
Two girls away from perfection.
(chattering) Hey! Hey.
Dude, what are you doing here?
Get down to the bar!
Ted, relax.
I'm already six for six.
Really?
Yeah.
I was lunching
at Tavern on the Green,
I started chatting up
this Swedish supermodel.
Next thing you know,
I'm playing a day game
in the back of
a horse-drawn carriage.
Giddy-what-up?!
(neighing)
(splutters and stomps)
Awesome.
What really happened?
I had lunch
at a Staten Island Chili's
and banged a drunk hairdresser.
Are you happy, Truthy McGee?
Barney, we know
you might get fired.
Wait, you have to
talk about this.
You are just using
meaningless sex
to distract yourself from
a really serious issue.
It is not meaningless, okay?
Number five and I
really connected.
She's going back to school.
Or has a kid in school-
something about school!
So, today one of
my students told me
Cook is dropping my class.
Oh, my God, Pu dropped out?
She is flushing her
education down the toilet!
Any word from Dale?
It's only been five days,
he's gonna call!
Why do you care anyway?
You said he was a total dork.
Do not talk
about Dale that way, okay?
He is twice the man
you will ever be!
God forbid, if you can't find
another job, sell your place.
Marshall and I have
an extra room.
You can stay there as
long as you need.
Make sure you bring
your own toothbrush.
Lily, what are you doing?
Talking to my friend who's going
through a really tough time.
He's doing fine.
Trying to sleep with seven
women in seven nights
is not "doing fine"
it's a cry for help.
Barney's whole life
is a cry for help.
But you don't mess with a man
when he's in the middle
of a perf...
What?
Perfect week?
(all gasp)
Oh, perfect week, perfect week,
perfect week!
Grow up!
(hissing)
Unbelievable.
You know, there's two
things you don't do.
One: you don't open an e-mail
from Phil Simms
in front of your kids.
And two: you don't jinx a man
going for a perfect week.
I don't know what to tell you.
Lily's always messing with me.
I think she has a thing
for the Barnacle.
You're a keen observer
of the human condition,
Jim Nantz.
I can't believe
you jinxed him.
He doesn't stand
a chance out there.
LILY:
Okay, question:
If I ruined everything,
why is Barney totally
hitting it off
with Third Martini
Girl over there?
Oh, my God!
He's going to do it!
Yeah. See?
There is no such
thing as a jinx.
(gasps)
Tell me she didn't say,
"There's no such thing
as a jinx."
Wish I could.
You were about to achieve
something so beautiful!
Well, well, thanks to her,
the only thing that could ruin
a surefire hookup
was about to walk
through that door.
<i>A member of the 2009
<i>World Champion
New York Yankees.
Lily, I'm getting
my own toothbrush.
Well, I guess that's it.
Barney's streak
ends at six.
What?! Why?!
Because that guy with the
weird hair just walked in?
That's Nick Swisher.
He's a New York Yankee.
No normal guy in New York City
can compete with a Yankee.
And it doesn't even have
to be a current Yankee.
When I first moved here,
I was on a fourth date
with a girl I really liked,
until I got rack-jacked
by Phil Rizzuto.
I was there.
Holy cow, that guy
had game. Mm-hmm.
I'm not seeing it.
Okay, let me try to Canada
this up for you, eh?
How would you react
if one of those
Ca-chuck guys
with the skates and the
sticks walked in here?
Lily, if one of the Vancouver
Canucks walked in here,
my panties would
drop so hard,
there'd be a hole in the
floor halfway to China.
That's what it's like
with the Yankees.
Well, Barney's screwed.
It's happening! Look.
Hey! Want to come over
and look at my snow
globe collection?
Snow globe collection?
He's throwing junk
out there.
<i>That is Nick Swisher!
(all groan)
Good effort.
Good game, good game, good game,
good game, good game.
Not good enough.
This whole week was a waste.
And tomorrow,
I'm going to get fired.
I'm really sorry, dude.
But for what it's worth,
this week wasn't a waste.
We were all having
a really horrible week
and you took
our minds off it.
Yeah, I had my first student
drop my class- it sucked.
I met my soul mate and
he never called me back.
I mean yet. He will.
(voice breaking):
He will.
We scared off
a really great couple
just because we share
a toothbrush.
You share a toothbrush?!
Well, them and Ted.
Wha...?
Wait a second.
When we were dating, you borrowed
that toothbrush all the time.
Oh, my God.
<i>NARRATOR: And that's
when Aunt Lily realized
<i>what's great about sports:
<i>They take your mind off your
troubles, if only for a moment.
<i>And deep down, we all needed
that perfect week.
The second she sits down next
to Swisher, it's all over.
Wait a minute!
MARSHALL:
Aldrin's got a bead on her!
She's running
out of room.
She dives, and...
(thud)
I have no idea where
she's going with this.
Oh, my God, are-are
you okay? Yeah. Oh.
Sorry. I'm such a klutz!
Oh, thanks. Ow!
Oh, I...
think I twisted my ankle.
Can you get me some ice?
Of course.
Oh, my God,
she did it!
I guess- I guess there is
no such thing as a jinx!
Oh, I'll get you
some ice, Lily.
MARSHALL:
Damn it.
Swisher's back
in play!
Swisher's back in play!
Follow me.
Hey, Nick Swisher!
This guy and his wife
share a toothbrush!
So?
So, that's weird, right?
Actually, I think
it's kind of sweet.
In a way, aren't we all trying
to find that special someone
to share a toothbrush with?
Excuse me.
Lily, Nick Swisher
thinks we're sweet.
Martini?
We're having a beer
with a New York Yankee.
How cool is that?
It's amazing.
I totally follow baseball.
Mookie Wilson, is that a thing?
Yeah, baseball, it's amazing.
But I tell you one thing,
it's no hockey.
I live right upstairs.
What do you say we go back
to my place?
(sultry laughter)
Wow, to be honest,
I don't normally do that,
but I feel a real
connection here,
seven- Christy.
Please.
I did it!
(all cheering)
I did...
(laughing)
Amazing!
Congratulations on
your perfect week!
Thanks, Jim.
I couldn't have done it
without my teammates.
Hey, on to a new topic.
Do you really think
you might get fired today?
Um, uh, Jim,
I- I-I told you I don't want
to talk about that.
Barney, I'm a figment
of your imagination,
so apparently you do.
Think about that.
What a jerk.
You're a jerk.
Mr. Donovan will
see you now.
Stinson, we've reached
a decision.
We're keeping you on.
(sighs)
I know this past week
must have been tough on you.
(chuckles)
I barely slept.
Here you go, guys.
The official hat
of Barney's perfect week.
I was going to
do shirts,
but then you have
to guess sizes.
And feelings get hurt.
It's a mess.
In commemoration
of Barney's induction into
the Hall of Game, this tie,
worn on the seventh night
of his perfect week,
is hereby retired.
May Barney's heroic
feat be remembered
and spoken of
for generations to come.
I'm totally going
to sit my kids down one day
and tell them about
the time Uncle Barney
nailed seven chicks in a row.
(all laugh)
<i>NARRATOR:
Am I a bad dad?
Take out order for Cook Pu?
We have a number two
over here for Cook Pu.
You guys got Wendy
saying it now?!
Come on, I- Okay, I get it.
Cook Pu is a stupid name
and it gets stupider and
stupider the more you say it.
Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu.
Here.
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