y of my stories I'm a
starry-eyed romantic
on a noble search for true love.
In this one, I'm just a jerk.
Well, guys, tonight is the night.
to see my antique
camera collection.
Ah! It's Ted's bait.
"Bait"?
A true gentleman invents a pretense
to lure an honorable
lady into his apartment.
Some item of interest
or beauty you can both
pretend to admire for five minutes
before she hops on
your disco stick.
Like she's coming up
to "borrow a book"
or "check out an album on vinyl."
Or to see your new rap poster.
"Rap poster"?
Who would that work on?
It was the first week of college.
I was really into Wu-Tang Clan.
Yeah, bait is tricky.
It has to be something interesting
enough to get the girl upstairs,
but not so interesting that
it overpowers the night.
I found that a slot machine
was too fun.
And a trampoline...
turned out to be too dangerous.
But then I found the perfect bait:
a teacup pig.
"A teacup pig"?
Who's that working on?
You have a teacup pig?
! I didn't know you had a teacup pig!
Can we see the teacup pig?!
Hey, can I borrow your teacup pig?
Yes, you can borrow my teacup pig.
You have a teacup pig?! Oh,
my gosh!
I can't believe you
have a teacup pig!
You're just so cute!
Yes, you are the cutest piggy ever!
What?
Were you always this pretty?
Or are you going to
give me that whole,
"Oh, in high school I was
really shy and awkward" line?
I was shy and awkward.
I was, like,
a hundred pounds heavier
and I had these crazy
buck teeth. Seriously?
No, I've always been hot.
What are you going to do?
Do you know who else would
love this teacup pig?
Hmm?
My boyfriend.
You have a boyfriend?
Ugh, I know.
So annoying, right? I mean, he's
not really my boyfriend.
Oh, good. I mean,
technically, he kind of is.
Well, is he or isn't he?
Some of both,
but definitely not either.
Are you getting any of this?
Look, I really like you.
I just need you to be patient.
I don't want to lose you,
Big Brown Eyes.
Yup. Somebody doesn't want to lose
Big Brown Eyes.
Oh, Ted.
She's got you on the hook.
What? What? I'm not on the hook.
Oh, you are totally on the hook.
She's stringing you along.
She's not committing to you,
but she's keeping you
around just in case,
like an old can of
chili in the pantry.
Um, who's buying canned chili
and not eating it immediately?
Amen, sister.
Ted, don't feel bad.
We've all been there.
I've been on both sides of it.
I've been a hookey and a hooker.
Move past it, guys.
I've been a little bit loose,
but money never changed hands.
I've been on the hook.
Lisa Walker. Picture it:
1994, St. Cloud, Minnesota.
So I was, like, thinking, Lisa-
do you maybe want to,
like, go out with me?
That sounds great.
But I'm sort of seeing this guy.
He's got a LeBaron convertible
and an "in" at the roller rink,
so I'd hate to burn that bridge.
I understand.
But how about this?
You can be my secret boyfriend
who does all my homework for me.
A'ight.
You want to see my rap poster?
Poster whore.
Anyway...
Lisa Walker strung
me along for months
until one night,
I went to go tell her
how much I loved her.
Aww. Hmm. Ugh.
In song.
She wasn't home yet,
so I waited.
And waited.
I woke up four hours later,
covered in snow.
And that's when I saw it.
Lisa's footsteps.
She had walked right over me
and into the house.
It was the best thing
that could have happened.
It got me off her hook.
Okay, that is definitely not
what's going on
with me and Tiffany.
Listen to this.
I'm really into you.
I just can't be with you right now.
Huh?! Huh?!
Ted, "right no" is the classic
on-the-hook catchphrase. Yup.
"Right now" paints a picture of
some sort of magical future time
when everything will work out,
but the truth is,
that will never happen.
It's like this.
"I can't be with you." Boom!
"Right now."
Yeah.
I think my high school
boyfriend, Scooter,
is still sort of
on the hook for me.
Sort of? He totally is.
The poor guy showed up at our
wedding hoping to win you back.
Yeah.
It's still sometimes weird
when I see him at work. Wait. What?
Scooter works in the
school cafeteria.
We've talked about this.
Hey, Lily. Nice dress.
Tater-tots?
We most certainly have
not talked about this!
Yes, we have.
I've mentioned it tons of times.
"Lunch Lady Scooter."
I thought that you were referring
to some sort of long overdue
device that carries around
those poor, underappreciated
lunch ladies!
This explains a lot.
Lunch Lady Scooter was
there again today.
Oh, yeah? Did you
jump on that thing?
Give it a ride? No!
Really? If it were me,
I'd be riding that scooter
all day long until I
broke that thang in half.
So those poor women still
have to walk everywhere?
Wait. Scooter is working
at your school?!
Are you jealous?
No, I just feel bad for Scooter.
'Cause the only reason
he took that job
is he thinks he has
a shot with you.
You have to make it
clear that he doesn't,
so that he can move on
and a real lunch lady
can get her job back. Damn!
I've tried.
Hey, Lily.
I saw you had seventh
period free. So do I.
You want to run away together?
Let me be clear, Scooter.
There is no way you and
I can ever be together.
Right now.
I'll see you tomorrow, Lily.
It's Tijuana Tuesday.
"Right now"?
You right-now'd Scooter?
You need to let Scooter off
the hook once and for all.
You're right.
Day after tomorrow,
that's exactly what
I'm going to do.
Why not tomorrow?
Baby, I can't ruin Tijuana Tuesday.
Really?
You're really going to sit here
all night watching the door
because Tiffany said
she'll "try to stop by"?
Barney, I'm not going
to just give up on her.
I should have given up on her.
This girl is special.
She was the devil.
Things are going to
work out with Tiffany.
No, they're not, dumbass.
Ted, let me be clear:
this girl is a poison
and you need to cut her
out of your life forever.
Hey, there she is.
Oh, she brought some
of her coworkers.
Hang on to this girl, Ted.
Hang on to her and never let go!
these are some of the hottest
girls I've ever seen.
And they all work with Tiffany?
Yup. There could only be
one explanation for this.
Ted...
is Tiffany a ph-ph-ph...
pharmaceutical sales rep?
Yeah, how did you know that?
And you never thought
to mention that?
What? It's just a job.
Just a j... just a jah...
Ted, throughout time
there has always been one
cutting-edge profession
to which hot girls,
like Tiffany, have flocked.
Shall I walk you
through the history?
I'm gonna explicitly say no.
It all started 2.
5 million years ago.
Man was a hunter.
So, the hottest profession
of the day?
Gatherer.
Homo erectus indeed.
As man mastered technology,
the hottest profession of
the day evolved.
I'm pretty sure it's a hernia.
Can you check again?
And then, man took to the skies.
And so, hot women put
on high heels
and became stewardesses.
I am in the upright
and locked position.
And then man said, "Life is hard.
I should start taking
lotsf prescription drugs."
And so, hot girls
rolled into doctors' offices,
looking sexy enough to render
the very erection pills
they peddled ironically redundant.
So now,
pharma girls are today's
hottest profession.
Hey, Big Brown Eyes. How you doing?
I'm good.
Hey, by the way, you, uh,
you ditch that loser boyfriend yet?
No, sir.
Touched my nose.
Dude, ditch Tiffany
and join the Barnacle
in a pharma girl free-for-all.
Side effects may include
loss of clothing, rug burn,
shortness of breath and sore
abdominals the next morning.
What in the world is up?!
Hey. So...
I know that you've
been having trouble
letting Scooter off the hook.
Well, I decided what
you need is practice.
Now, you say the problem
is his cute, sad eyes?
Well...
Aww!
All right, shut it, woman.
Now, I want you to look at this
teacup pig and tell him
that there's no way
that you could ever be with him.
Teacup Pig, there is no way
I can ever be with you.
Right now.
Oh, come on! Grow a pair!
I'm sorry, but he's
just so freakin' cute.
I just want to cuddle
him all day long.
Yes, I do. You know that's funny.
I remember when you used to
say things like that about me.
Oh, I still do.
Yeah, not as much, Lily.
Not as much.
* Ain't no party like
a pharma girl party *
* 'Cause a pharma girl
party don't stop! *
Dude, I have already hooked
up with three of them.
Fantasmo.
Plus, my cholesterol is down.
My restless legs syndrome is cured.
I've never felt more alive- oh.
Guys, great news.
Tiffany broke up
with her boyfriend.
Proof that I am not on the hook.
Oh, you're still on the hook.
Ah, uh-uh, listen to how
we spent last night.
First, we cuddled.
Then, we shared chocolate cake.
Then, well, I don't usually join
in on locker room talk,
but I gave her a pretty
sensual foot rub.
And let me guess: it didn't
go any further than that.
Well, no, but...
And tell me, did you by any chance
make that chocolate cake?
It was a mix.
Dude.
There's no shame in
admitting it, Ted.
We've all been on people's hooks
and we've all kept
someone on the hook.
Um, I most certainly have not.
What?!
Are you joking?
What about that girl from
the university library?
Um, Henrietta?
Henrietta and I are just friends.
Oh, she is so on your hook.
Absolutely not.
She totally was.
I mean...
we cuddled.
We shared chocolate cake.
She gave me foot rubs- long ones.
I'm not proud, kids.
You like having Henrietta
around for the same reason
that Tiffany likes
having you around:
it's a nice little ego boost.
No wonder you're such an expert
about keeping people on the hook.
What about that poor
camera guy you work with?
Mike and I are just friends.
Come on.
Mmm...
Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
Robin, have you ever thought
about taking us to the next level?
Well, if you're talking
about doing my laundry,
I'm on board.
You got yourself a deal.
Hmm.
What?!
I- I am not keeping
Mike on the hook.
You are Captain Hook.
Dude, I'm a girl.
Okayour girl parts
are like a spiderweb.
Sometimes you're gonna
catch stuff you don't want.
That doesn't
make it okay.
Oh, a-and Henrietta is in,
in no way
wasting her time with you, right?
Henrietta knows that
we're just friends.
In fact, I'm gonna call her up
and hang out with her
tonight as friends.
Hey, Ted. Hey.
I love you.
What? Uh, do you
want a foot massage?
'Cause I've been
practicing on myself.
No, I'm good.
I didn't know if you were hungry,
so I just threw together some...
it's not a big deal.
Kids, looking back,
I don't know how I didn't see
that Henrietta was madly
in love with me.
Oh.
Hello. Hey, Ted.
Hey, Tiffany.
I'm going out of town
this weekend for my
friend's wedding.
Want to be my date?
I would love to.
Hey, what are you doing right now?
Oh, God, no.
Awesome. Okay, I'll see you in,
like, ten minutes?
Great.
Soy, Henrietta,
something came up.
Take a rain check, pal?
Yeah, it's no problem.
All right, yeah, hey-ho.
Oh, you're strong.
What a jerk.
Henrietta, I...
Wait. Where did Ted go?
I thought we were finally
going to get to meet him.
Yeah, something came up, okay, Mom?
I told you there was no Ted.
I heard that.
So there I was,
at one of the surest signs
of taking a relationship
to the next level:
an out-of-town wedding.
It was finally happening.
Champagne?
Ted, oh, my gosh,
I forgot to call you.
Well, whatever it is you
wanted to talk about,
we can talk about it now.
This is Jack.
He's the best man at the wedding.
We just got back together.
You know, now that
I think about it,
a phone call would have been nice.
You're Ted? Ouch.
But I hear you make a
mean chocolate cake.
Oh, isn't he great?
And he's in a band.
Thanks.
Come on, Lily. You have to
get Scooter off the hook.
Now, try again.
Teacup Pig, oh...
I don't want to be with you.
Right now.
Man up!
Teacup Pig...
I don't want to be with you.
Ever.
Finish him!
We will never be together
in any sort of sexual
way ever again.
Nice.
Sort of a weird thing
to say to a pig.
It felt really wrong.
Anyway, I just don't think
you and I are going to work.
Right now.
And that's when it hit me.
I was on the hook.
I also realized...
I missed this so much, baby.
...Tiffany was on this guy's hook.
It was a vicious cycle.
Henrietta was on my hook.
And years later, I found out
this poor bastard
was on Henrietta's hook.
You know what?
We're not going to work ever.
I'm done.
And it's really better
for the circulation
if you knead the arches
with your thumbs.
Now, I'm done.
Marshall, I can do this by myself.
Okay, well, then prove it.
And, um...
Grab me a pudding.
Listen up, Scooter.
There is no way you and
I will ever be together.
Right now! Marshall!
I'm sorry, but he's
adorable. Listen.
I don't want to be with you.
Right now. Hang in there, Scoots!
I'm not going to live forever.
Last night I was with
this pharma girl who was
so hot, you should call a doctor
if you don't have an erection
for more than four hours.
Am I right, people?
Yeah, there's no people-
just the girl you
most recently dated.
Hey, Barney.
I want you to meet the
newest pharma girl.
Oh.
Gladys Reynolds.
Nice to make your acquaintance.
I represent statins and other
cholesterol-lowering drugs.
Come on, girl.
Let's go get our drink on.
It's over.
What's over?
Pharma girls are no longer
exclusively hot chicks.
It's the en. You're being
a little dramatic.
Am I?
It starts out with a Gladys.
Next thing you know,
a few not-so-fabulous
gay guys enter the ranks.
And before you know it,
pharma girls look like the crew
on a Southwest flight from
Albuquerque to Little Rock.
It's over!
So that night, I went straight
to Henrietta's-
all set to let her off the hook.
This is Jack.
He's the best man at the wedding.
I'm done.
Yes!
The answer is yes!
No.
Oh, it gets worse.
It's perfect!
Mom, Dad! Ted proposed!
Oh, my God! I knew
this day would come!
Son! Yeah, well, there's been a...
No. What did you do?
I seriously considered
just marrying her
out of sheer awkwardness.
But I did what I had to do.
I did what anyone keeping
someone on the hook should do.
I broke her heart.
Henrietta, I'm sorry
if this is blunt,
but I think I owe you this.
I don't want to be with you.
Right now?
Ever.
But we're still getting
married, right?
It was brutal.
Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.
Honesty is tough, but in the end,
it is the far kinder alternative.
Yeah.
Hey, sweetie.
Hey, Mike.
I have to tell you something.
Wait. Did you finish my delicates?
Got one more load. Ah, it can wait.
I...
Hey. Hey, how's it going?
Still in mourning over the
end of the pharma girl era?
No. I realized that their reign
had to end to make room for
some new hot girl profession.
Maybe it'll be intergalactic
communications officer
on a rocket ship to some
distant solar system
we can't possibly imagine.
Maybe it'll be... meter maids.
We just don't know.
But one thing is sure.
The future glows like a giant sun
shooting amber rays of light
into our hearts and minds.
Wow, uh, what changed your mind?
The realization that hope
springs eternal, Robin.
That and this little
bottle of purple pills
I found in my couch cushion.
Don't know what they are,
but they are amazing!
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