How I Met Your Mother - S05E17 - Of Course

<i>in 2010,, on a warm March evening
<i>a New York City police boat pulled
a 34-year-old white male
<i>out of the Hudson River:
your Uncle Barney.
All right, kid,
let's hear the story.
From the beginning.
Well, it all started a week ago.
<i>I was making time at the
local watering hole.
<i>Enter... a dame.
Nothing sexier than a
man in a fine cravat.
Except for a woman who
appreciates a fine cravat.
How about we just call it a tie?
You see, a cravat is a kind of tie.
I get it. Anyway,
next thing you know,
I get her back to my place.
Barney...
when I get in bed with a man,
my body becomes a machine
fueled by desire, lust
and a singular hunger to satisfy
my lover's every carnal need.
Good thing the cleaning
lady's coming tomorrow.
Well, good night.
What?
Wait, what?
I thought your body was
going to become a machine
fueled by desire,
lust and a singular hunger
to satisfy my every carnal need.
No.
You know, I really
think that Don and I
are hitting our
stride as a news team.
Yeah. Well, all credit
goes to this lady on my left.
Oh, come on. That story you did
on which rodents to
avoid on the subway...
The answer may surprise you.
It's all of them.
Well, I got to run,
okay? I'll see you. Okay.
It's good to meet you.
Yeah, you, too.
Take care. Okay. Bye, Don.
Okay, Robin, that guy is awesome.
He's funny, he's smart,
he's handsome.
You got to scoop him up
before someone else does.
I hope you're not
talking about you.
It has been four months since
you broke up with Barney.
Maybe it's time to put
yourself back out there.
Yeah, exactly.
Barney's dating again,
and he couldn't be happier.
I couldn't be more unhappy.
All night long,
she's hot and heavy for me.
I get her back to my place,
and she just bolts?
I mean, at least when
I run out on a girl,
I have the common courtesy
to sleep with her first.
It's... it's called manners.
Sounds like she
<i>read that book, Of Course
You're Still Single-
<i>Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb Slut.
What? It... it's this book
that helps single
girls find a husband.
It's Robin's copy.
I've just... I leafed
through it a little bit.
Really. Were you
getting a mani-pedi?
Okay, okay, okay.
Fine.
Barney, when you
were with this girl,
did she subtly slip the word
"sex" into conversation?
I'm in the inter-sex-tion,
and I only have a couple of
sex before the light changes.
I mean, everyone's honking at me,
and it totally sex,
but I can't turn around
because a jogger slipped and
fell in horse sex-crement.
Go on. Go on.
Did she make excuses
to establish physical
contact with you?
Is this cashmere?
Cashmere?
This is hand-spun virgin merino.
The fibers in this suit are
less than 12 microns thick.
12 microns.
I love a tiny fiber.
Well, you're in luck,
because mine's the tiniest.
And the more you touch it,
the softer it gets.
She did that, too.
Now, here is the final test.
Next time you see her,
ask her out for the
following night.
The book says that's forbidden,
so she'll probably give you
some lame excuse like this:
"Ooh, I can't do
anything tomorrow night."
I've already made plans to
clean my garbage disposal
and treat myself to a bubble bath.
But how about next week sometime?
Aha!
<i>You're trying that Of Course
You're Still Single-
<i>Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb Slut crap on me.
<i>It's not crap. Of Course
You're Still Single-
<i>Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb Slut is a brilliant book.
And...
it scares away guys
who are only interested
in getting laid.
Why not just say you have a kid?
You'd be surprised how many
jerks there are out there.
That's why the book says
never sleep with a guy
on the first date.
Totally. Or the second date.
Of course. Or the third date.
Well... Or the fourth date.
Well, just tell me how many dates!
Seventeen.
S... S...
Excuse me, is anyone using this?
Yep, here it is:
no sex until after 17 dates.
Barney, if you're not
going to take her out on 17 dates,
I think you should just give it up.
Oh, no.
I'm not the one who's
going to give it up.
She is.
Because, thanks to Ted's book...
That's Robin's. It's Robin's.
...I can stay two steps
ahead of her at all times.
There's a loophole
in here somewhere,
and I'm going to find it.
Hello.
Hey, Robin. Oh, hey, Don.
Listen, uh...
do you want to go
out Saturday night?
Saturday night...
Is he asking you out?
Say yes! Say yes!
Look, Don, um... listen, it...
it's really sweet of you to ask,
and you're a great guy...
Yes, I will go out with you.
Robin, are you okay?
Um, I just had a little cold.
That's probably
what you're hearing.
But Saturday night sounds great.
We can even go to a steak house,
and you can bring
home some prime rib
for my friend, Marshall.
Okay, gotta go. Love you. Bye.
What the hell are you thinking?
Robin, you've got to do this, okay?
A great guy like Don is rare.
And speaking of rare,
prime rib- don't forget. Thank you.
Oh, my God.
I don't believe it.
Guys... this is her!
She wrote the book.
Huh. Her name must be Anita.
Okay.
My plan was to sleep with her,
but this changes everything.
New plan:
I'm going to sleep with her.
Boy, this girl that
Barney's going after,
she kind of sounds
like the anti-Barney.
Mmm. I love how the universe
decided to bring
those two together.
Actually, Anita's going after
Barney because I told her to.
Wait, you sicced Anita on Barney?
How do you even know her?
She was on my show.
But, um, if you had
to summarize your book
in 30 words or less...
I'll summarize it
in one word, Robin.
And that word
is "no."
By saying no
constantly and consistently,
you empower yourself
while simultaneously
turning any jerk
into a submissive,
sniveling, puddle of a man.
Hmm. And isn't that
every girl's dream?
After the break, we're going
to talk about your new book,
<i>Of Course You Don't Have a
Retirement Plan Yet-
<i>Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut,
due out in June.
We'll be right back.
We're clear.
You guys want any coffee?
Oh, you know what, Mike,
that'd be great.
You? No.
What about you,
Robin? You dating anyone?
Oh.
Dating's not really
my bag right now.
Uh-oh.
Did somebody break your heart?
And then, I- I told her everything.
It just came pouring out.
And by the end of it, she said...
This Barney needs to
be taught a lesson.
You say the word,
and I will destroy him.
What do you mean?
I can use the power of "no"
to break your friend, Barney.
Just say the word.
Come on, that-that stuff
doesn't really work,
does it?
I didn't know what you wanted,
so I got you a cappuccino,
an espresso, a latte, a decaf...
Oh, hi, Robin.
And this is a Turkish coffee.
Thank you, Mike.
Think about it.
<i>I didn't think I was going
to think about it,
<i>but then... I thought about it.
Oh, this Pilates instructor
was off the charts.
Picture Robin, but younger.
And bigger boobs.
Maybe not bigger, but more shapely.
And bigger.
Hello?
I get her up against
the StairMaster,
and we... Do it.
Spoilers.
Anyway, we do it.
It's done.
Thank you, Mike.
I know, it was stupid,
but you have to understand,
back then, I was still really upset
about the breakup.
I was going though
my mourning period.
There was a lot of scotch and a lot
of long nights at
the shooting range.
I hope those weren't
the same nights.
Geez, Lily.
It's not like I
remember all of them.
Hey, babe.
Did you know that Robin
was going through
a mourning period?
I mean, she seemed
fine after the breakup.
Oh, you know how she is.
She tries to keep her
emotions to herself.
But yeah, I caught her
crying a couple times.
She cried?
Like, real tears?
But that means...
Oh, no.
<i>And then, Marshall realized
<i>what a jackass he had
been to Robin.
Exactly. Barney's dating again,
and he couldn't be happier.
I mean,
that guy has been active.
Sexually.
I mean, he's just been, like,
bang, bang, bang!
You know?
It's like...
bang, bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang!
Bang, bang, bang, bangity bang
I said a-bang, bang, bangity bang
Bang, bang, bang
Bang, bang, bangity bang
I said a-bang, bang, bangity bang.
How could you let me do that?
You're my wife,
you're supposed to stop me
from embarrassing myself in public.
I know, but that
song's kind of catchy.
Bang, bang, bangity bang
I said bang, bang, bangity bang
A- bang, bang, bangity bang.
Damn it.
I've read that thing
cover to cover,
and I can't find a loophole.
What am I going to do?
Well, there is one
other option, but, uh,
nah, you're not ready. Tell me.
Well, if you have to seal
the deal in just one date,
it's got to be one
doozy of a date, right?
Yeah. I'm not talking
dinner and a movie.
I'm not talking mini-golf.
I'm talking...
17 dates worth of romance
wrapped up into one
incredible night.
I'm talking about...
a superdate.
A superdate?
Mm-hmm.
That sounds kind of lame.
What if we call it a megadate?
If you want my help,
it's a superdate.
All right. Leave it to me.
I'll plan the whole thing.
<i>You're going to plan the whole thing?
Mm-hmm.
I bet it'll be all gooey
and romantic, huh?
Gooey and romantic?
Barney...
You don't have to take her
To Paris or Peru
Uh, Ted, what are you doing?
You just have to
make her understand
Ted, people are looking at us.
What she means to you
Oh, God, really?
You're really going
to do this right now?
On your superdate
Troubles of the world
will simply have to wait
For wonders and amazement
Served upon a silver plate
Hurry up now, don't be late
'Cause hand in hand
you'll find a land
Where paradise awaits
And then boom!
Fireworks over the
Manhattan skyline!
You kiss her.
And that's your superdate.
That sounds gooey and romantic.
Yeah.
Strip club? Strip club.
<i>Finally, the night of the
big dates arrived.
So, tonight's the big night.
Where's the D-bag taking you?
That's not a good nickname for Don.
I'll think of a better one.
You know, that,
I just... I canceled.
What do you mean you... Wait.
Hey. Hey.
What's wrong?
Robin canceled her date.
What? She was totally
psyched for it
like an hour ago.
Robin Scherbatsky.
You look like the classiest,
most expensive prostitute ever.
Oh, thank you.
I take it you're excited
to go out with Don?
You know what? I kinda am.
Don't tell Marshall.
I won't.
I bet you'll have a
nice time tonight.
Yeah.
Not, however, a super time.
A super time will be had by Barney
on his date with Anita.
Yep.
<i>Carriage ride, dinner at Le
Tombeur des Culottes.
They're calling it a superdate, so.
Ted!
How could you do that?!
Robin just got over
her mourning period!
She seemed so happy
after the breakup.
Oh, Ted.
So unobservant.
Such a guy.
She was obviously crushed.
Wait, but that would mean...
Oh, no.
<i>And then I realized what a
jackass I'd been to Robin.
I said a-bang, bang, bangity bang
Hey, whatcha singing?
Oh, just a little ditty I wrote
about how many girls
Barney's been banging lately.
Well, count me in
for a verse. Great.
Bang, bang, bangity bang
I said a-bang, bang, bangity bang
Bang, bang, bang
Bang, bang, bangity bang
I said a-bang, bang...
No!
Oh, God. Where is she?
I think she's in the restroom.
No, guys, guys,
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Hey.
Dude.
Why would you do that?
Because I'm angry at you.
I'm angry at me.
I'm angry at Ted.
And frankly, I'm still
angry at the Empire.
Why are you angry at me?
Dude, you've been a real
jerk in front of Robin
while she's been going
through her mourning period.
Mourning period?
She hasn't been going
through any mourning period.
So unobservant.
Such a guy. Ugh, Barney,
sit down, you need
to hear some stuff.
What-what, is she
upset or something?
Of course she's upset.
Take a look at yourself,
you dumb slut.
<i>And then Aunt Lily told Barney
every excruciating detail
<i>of what he hadn't been seeing
since the breakup.
You should've seen this girl.
Bang, ping, pa-dow, ga-donk.
Okay, I'm leaving.
So...
we get up to my place...
Bang, bangity bang,
bang, bang, bang
Bang, bang, bangity bang
I said a-bang, bang, bangity bang
Bang, bang, bang...
I can't believe
Robin's been so upset.
I can't believe you threw up
in your Stormtrooper helmet.
Eh. I did something worse in it
<i>after The Phantom Menace premiere.
So, she's been this way
ever since we broke up?
Actually, she was doing much better
until you decided to go on this
stupid superdate with Anita.
And now she's
off sulking God knows where.
I know where.
Hey. Hey.
Barney, what's up?
Thought you were, um,
going on some big date.
Robin, I know you're upset.
What? No.
I- I-I have...
I've never been happier.
And-and this Anita sounds lovely.
I am so glad that you two just...
randomly happened
to find each other.
It just warms my frickin' heart.
Ah.
So, you sure you're not upset?
Of course I'm upset, Barney.
Don't you see
how constantly talking
about your conquests
makes me feel like I'm
just another number to you?
But you're not just
another number to me.
You know, and-and now
you're taking Anita,
who you barely know,
on this amazing date,
when I never got treated that way.
It just...
it just sucks, that's all.
It just sucks.
Wow.
I knew I was bad at
being a boyfriend,
but I had no idea
I'd be so much worse
at being an ex-boyfriend.
I'm sorry.
What can I do to make it up to you?
Nothing, Barney.
You've-you've already proven
that I'm not important to you.
Stop that, I'm serious.
Ask me for anything.
Uh, okay.
Um... don't sleep with Anita.
Done.
Barney,
of course you're going
to sleep with her.
Why else would you be taking
her on this superdate?
She's not going on
the superdate, Robin.
You are.
<i>Your Uncle Barney
<i>finally gave Aunt Robin the
superdate she truly deserved.
<i>With a guy she truly deserved.
<i>Of course, there was still
one loose end.
Barney.
Oh, hey, Anita.
I- I totally meant to call you.
Well, I'm-I'm breaking all
my rules coming down here,
but nobody stands me up like that.
So, are we going out or what?
I'm sorry.
I... I made a promise to a friend.
I have to say no.
Oh. Oh, I see.
You're trying the "no" thing on me.
You really think
that's going to work?
'Cause it won't.
Okay, how about this.
I'll cut you a deal.
Maybe...
you might get lucky
after the 12th date.
No.
The 11th date. No.
Fifth date. No.
Tonight. No.
Tonight before dinner. No.
How about you? You interested.
Yeah.
Come on, Barney.
I'm sorry, Anita.
The answer is no.
Well, good.
Because my answer is no, too.
Okay, here's my final offer.
Barney!
And that's my story.
Well, here's a $500 ticket
for jumping in the river.
I hope it was worth it.
I hope so, too.
It's an old wives' tale.
Oh, hey, Robin.
Hey.
How did the big date go?
Uh, pretty well.
Pretty, uh, pretty well.
Like how "pretty well"?
Oh, guys, guys, come on.
It was fine.
You know, it was nice.
We had a good time.
Let's just, uh...
let's just leave it at that, okay.
Although, um,
one interesting thing,
uh, did happen.
I said a-bang, bang, bangity bang
A- bang, bang, bang, bang,
bang, bangity bang
I said a-bang, bang, bangity bang
Bang, bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang, bang
Bang, bang, bangity bang...