How I Met Your Mother - S05E20 - Home Wreckers

Kids, everyone
has one or two moments
when they make a huge,
crazy decision
that changes their lives
forever.
This is the story of mine.
It all started
with a visit from my mom
and her longtime boyfriend, Clint,
who was always saying stuff like...
"Ted,
Your mother is a very...
Very erotic woman.
Please don't.
As a painter, slash,
songwriter, slash,
volunteer fear-fighter,
I find her...
incredibly sexual.
But you have your own sexual memories
with your mom, don't you?
Please don't.
Exiting her womb,
receiving her milk.
You get me?
Good.
I cannot believe I am with that man.
Mom, mom, it's ok.
You don't have to settle.
There are plenty of guys who...
He is so cool!
And he picked me!
Well, I'm, uh...
I'm glad you're both so happy.
Well, good, because we do
have an announcement...
Son.
<font color="#EC14BD">Re-sync and corrections by honeybunny</font>
<font color="#EC14BD">www.addic7ed.com</font>
Yes, my mom was lapping me.
Getting married
for a second time
before I was even married once.
I was so happy for them.
So freaking happy.
Still, weddings can be magical.
For all I knew, I'd end up sharing
a dance with my future wife there.
And if you don't boil
those jam jars,
it's just a welcome mat
for bacteria.
That wasn't her.
Oh, congratulations!
Oh!
We are so happy for you.
I feel like I'm 19 again. Oh.
It's like the last 35 years
of my life never happened.
So wonderful to hear, mom.
Son, to show that your mom and I
will always be there for you,
I want you to have this beautiful picture
that I painted.
Kids, there was no guitar.
Excuse me, Ted.
Best...Wedding...
E...ver.
Hello, everyone.
Mahallow for being here with us.
My entire life...
Well, this life.
I've waited
for a muse like Virginia.
Baby...
this is your song.
* When I squeeze her trembling bosom *
Oh, God...
* The blood pumps to my loins *
* When I penetrate
her...*
Kids, I swear to God, I blacked
out for the next 12 minutes.
So I have no idea how the song
got to this ending.
* And Mahatma Gandhi *
* And the pancakes * Everyone!
* And the dragon *
* And you *
Guys, guys! Guess what
Robin just did.
* Red and true...*
Are you crying?
I know it's stupid, but...
Everyone!
* And the dragon...*
They're happy, you know?
Not as happy as I am, Robin.
Guys, guys! Guess what
Robin just did.
And then, I told you guys
what Robin just did,
but you were there for that.
I gotta tell the rest
of the wedding.
Aunt Meredith!
Kids, I can't overstate
how horrible it is
to be the single guy
at your own mother's
second wedding.
So, Ted, when's your wedding?
So, Ted, when's your wedding?
When's your wedding?
When's your wedding?
When's your wedding?
Robin cried at Clint's song.
Oh, I told you already.
Ted's hot sister, Heather!
I have to leave.
Wait, Ted.
What about your toast?
Make up some emergency
or something. I just...
I-I can't handle this.
Ted, Ted, where are you going?
It's your mother's wedding!
Uncle Larry, my hand to God.
Niagra Falls.
She's pouring.
And my friends didn't see me
for the next 72 hours.
Seriously, is Ted okay?
I mean, I know it was
a rough weekend, but...
- this radio silence is weird.
- I know.
His mom's called, like, five times
asking where he disappeared to.
Sorry, Robin.
They're all out of pretzels.
And I know how
emotional you get.
Shh.
Shh. Let it go.
Let it go.
Okay!
Shh.
Okay, I...
I cried at Clint's song.
She cried at Clint's song.
- Hey, guys.
- Ted, where have you been?
Are you okay?
Oh, I'm better than okay.
I am on top of the world. Come on.
We're going for a ride!
Hey, buddy, do you want to, maybe,
let somebody
who isn't having some sort
of manic episode drive for a while?
Yeah, and where the hell
are we going?
First, let me tell you what happened
the night of the wedding.
Watching my mom get married,
I realized how far behind
I was in my own life.
I just had to get out of there.
So I went back to my hotel room
and got onto this Web site
I sometimes visit
when I can't sleep...
Oh! Oh! Oh-oh! Ted,
come on. Oh, God. T.M.I.
We do not want to know what you
and the Internet do when you're lonely.
I didn't... I...
That's not the part of the night
I was talking about.
I went to my favorite
real estate auction site...
Come on, we've all got one...
scrolled through
a few properties and...
Guys...
I just bought my dream house.
What do you mean
you bought this house?
I mean, I made a bid online.
I won the auction the next day
and I got approval.
I just finalized the paperwork.
And was the Blair Witch
easy to deal with,
Or did she haggle
over the closing costs?
Don't even joke about that, man.
So, I'm thinking this room
will be the study.
You know, a place just for Dad.
I mean, the kids
are welcome in here
if they're reading
a book, but no toys.
It's not a question
of withholding love.
It's a question
of drawing boundaries.
Whoa.
Ted, this is insane.
This is going to take years
and a small fortune
to make livable.
I'm an architect.
I'll find a way.
And if I start right now,
it'll be done by the time
the ol' wifey and I
are ready to move in.
Is she in the room
with us right now, Ted?
Okay, okay, I know
I haven't found Mrs. Mosby yet,
but I will, knock on wood.
Careful, buddy.
Ted, you can't just skip ahead
to where you think your life should be.
Doesn't work that way.
Yeah, I gotta agree. This may be
the stupidest thing you've ever done.
Stupidest thing any of us has
ever done.
Okay, all right.
- Let's lay off Ted, all right?
- Thank you.
Alright? We've all done some
stupid things in our lives.
For example, I remember a time
when I dropped some
bottle rockets in the toilet,
and I tried to dry them
off in the microwave.
God, you must have been
drunk off your ass.
No, too stupid to be an adult.
He was obviously a kid when it happened.
- Kid? Why...
- Throw rockets in the...
Oh, my God, guys!
Great new game:
"Drunk or Kid."
Which one was I?
Lock in your guesses.
Drunk. Drunk. Kid.
Kid.
Drumroll, please.
I was...
Drunk!
You know, I'm glad
Robin got it right.
Cause she's very sensitive and fragile.
I'm referencing the time
she cried at Clint's song.
And even though I'm whispering,
I actually hope she hears me.
- It wasn't me!
- What?
I'm not the one who cried
at Clint's song.
Are you... crying?
I know it's stupid, but...
Everyone!
* And the dragon...*
They're just happy, you know?
Not as happy as I am.
I will give you $500 if this just
happened to you instead of me.
500 bucks? Deal.
Thank you, Robin.
You just saved me unspeakable public
humiliation and shame.
Guys! Guys!
Guess what Robin just did.
Wait, you guys are...
Hi, I'm here
for the inspection.
Oh, great! I was worried
you weren't coming.
I was actually here a few minutes ago,
but I guess the doorbell doesn't work.
Hmm.
Oh, hey!
Doorbell does not work.
Wait, wait. You're just getting
this place inspected now?
Well, yeah.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Okay! All right!
All right, let's all remember
that we've all done
some stupid things
in our lives, okay?
For example, I once
tried to ride my bike down
an extension ladder from
the roof of a two-story house.
The only looming question is
Was I drunk or a kid?
Drunk! Kid! Kid! Drunk!
Drumroll, please.
I was...
Marshall's dead!
Marshall's dead!
- A kid.
- Marshall!
Moms, right?
Just always
making a big deal out of nothing.
*** under a week.
Hey, let's check out the porch, huh?
Come on.
I'm going to put
a grill out here.
Every Sunday, right here,
it's going to be
a total sausage fest.
Hmm...
Sausage party?
Burgers, we'll do burgers.
Ted, stop it. You can't keep this house.
It's a huge mistake.
Lily, listen to me.
I had a plan, okay?
Wife, house, kids.
As it turns out, the Universe
it's being kind of a ***
about the whole wife and kids part.
So, what's the one
thing I can control?
The house. I bought it.
- It's not a huge mistake.
- Exactly.
Now, me driving my brother's car
the wrong way down I-94,
that was a huge mistake.
Drunk! Kid! Kid! Kid!
I was...
A kid.
Yes!
Wow, Barney.
Did you cry on that
guy or something?
Yeah. You got leaky pipes.
But the bright side:
the pond in your basement is drowning
some of the larger, slower rats.
The rest of them, well...
they're headed this way.
See, you should have waited to find out
the problems with this house.
You can always find problems
with any decision,
but you can't
let that stop you.
Freshman year, Marshall knew right away
he wanted to spend his life with you.
What if someone had been there
to second-guess that decision?
Bye.
I know we've only been on two dates, but
dammit, Lily Aldrin, I'm gonna marry you.
Not so fast.
We got some
structural issues here.
These hips are not
Eriksen baby-compliant.
And this thing right here
does not have a proper filter.
That's a maintenance issue
that's never going to go away.
And I know you think that you
like this Gothic exterior now
But deep down, didn't you always
picture yourself in something Spanish?
I'd recommend you look
into the rental option.
But Marshall took that leap of faith,
and it's the best thing
that ever happened to you both.
It was Robin!
"What?!"
Yes, it was Robin
who cried at Clint's song!
But she said...I know what she said.
But here's what
she didn't want you to know.
Listen, Barney,
I can't stand all these jokes
about me crying.
If I pretend to reveal
that you were the one who cried,
will you go along with it?
Sure.
I made a mistake
letting you go, didn't I?
Your penis is enormous.
- Dude, you almost had us.
- You always take it one too far.
Dammit.
All right, good news.
- Think we'll be out of here early.
- Really?
Yep, I finished downstairs
and the outside.
Now, I could keep looking
and see what else I can find
besides the black mold,
the damaged retaining wall,
the frayed electrical wires,
the lead paint,
the water damage,
the fire damage,
the sun damage,
the broken furnace,
the rotted floorboards...
Oh, look at that. No termites.
The cracked chimney,
the bats, the rats,
the spiders,
the raccoons, the hobo,
the detached gutter,
the outdated fuse box and
the paint job in the kitchen,
which is fine, but the trim
really clashes with the countertops.
Or I could just recommend
that you do not buy this godforsaken
Guantanamo Bay of a house,
and suggest that we all
get our asses out of here
before a medium-sized wind
blows the whole sumbitch down.
What if I already
bought the sum'bitch?
I- I will check out the upstairs.
Did he say he found a hobo?
Ok, yes. There are problems.
But I see this house for what I know it can be.
I see a swing
on that tree outside.
I- I see a wreath
on the front door at Christmas.
I see a grill
out on that patio where I'll be
barbecuing every weekend.
I see a life that I know
I can have here.
I see a lawsuit.
Found termites.
Hey, well, the good news is the inspector
killed some roaches on impact.
Oh, hold on.
Giant pole in second floor.
Just wanted to make sure
the report is thorough.
You were right.
This was a huge mistake.
It's just...
Everyone's moving on but me.
You guys got a place years ago;
Robin's getting serious with Don.
Barney...Maybe that's a new tie?
Thank you. Geez.
Now my mom is remarried.
I... I'm exactly where I was
five years ago. I'm sick of it. I'm...
I'm ready for the life
that fits into this house.
It's all right, buddy.
Sometimes people make
the wrong decisions in life.
Like your mother.
What do you mean?
Ted, as you know, I've always been
very, very fond of your mother.
Please don't.
In fact, Virginia and I shared
a special moment back in
2006 B.C....
Before Clint.
What the hell are
you talking about?
I wanted to be your dad!
- What does that even mean?
- Don't you talk back to me, young man.
That's why I cried at Clint's song.
Because that bastard
took her away from me.
And now, all I'm left with...
is the memory of dropping
her off at the airport.
And that's how you
got the brooch?
Unbelievable.
You...
So...Here we are.
Here we are.
We made good time...
Not a lot of traffic...
Oh, I love this song.
Do you?
Hmm.
I can...
Listen...
Ted's mom.
I...
should really...I sh...
* Workin' on our night moves *
* Tryin' to make some
front-page drivin' news *
* Workin' on our night moves *
Your penis is enormous.
Again?! Always one too far!
Okay, all right.
Fine, that last part I made up,
but the rest of it,
I swear it was true.
Come on, dude.
Your mom is a cougar.
Wait, I thought you said
a cougar can't be over 50.
Okay, she's a Mellencamp.
Guys, I am screwed. I mean, the best
I can do is level this place
and sell the property
for a huge loss.
Look, Ted...
Usually in life when you make a stupid
decision you just have to live with it.
But how often do you get the chance
to pick up a sledgehammer
and bash the living hell
out of it?
- This is stupid.
- Your mom and I got to second base.
* I'll light the fire *
* You place the flowers
in the vase *
* That you bought today *
Thanks, Lily.
That felt fantastic.
To Ted Mosby-
homeowner,
friend, and if he can
rent it out, slumlord.
There's, uh...
There's one last thing I gotta do.
And my friends didn't see me
for the next 72 hours.
He was our ride.
- Hi.
- Ted, what are you doing here?
I never got to give
you guys your toast.
I was selfish and I freaked out
and I'm so sorry, so...
Here it is...
"How bout a hand for the deejay?
Gesture to dee..."
I'll skip down.
"Mom, I love you,
"and I've never seen you
as happy as you are with Clint.
"And, Clint, welcome to the family...
"What you two have
is what I one day hope to find."
But until then, cheers to you both.
I love you, guys.
Ted...
I am so...
baked right now.
I'm only 60% sure you're actually
standing in front of me.
But if you are, I love you.
And you are the best son
a mother could ever have.
There was no logical reason why
my mother should be with a guy like that.
And yet, as you kids know,
being with your Grandpa Clint was
the best decision your grandma ever made.
Sometimes our best decisions
are the ones
that don't make
any sense at all.
- Hey.
- Hey, buddy.
How did you know I was
gonna be up here today?
Robin told me.
Happy housewarming.
But I-I, I told you the last time
I saw you I'm selling the place.
I know what you said.
I also know my best
friend, Ted Mosby.
Look...
Of all the times over the years
when I've said to you
"Slow down! Don't rush
into things with this girl."
you haven't listened to me
a single damn time.
Your heart is both
drunk and a kid.
- Thanks for sticking up for me, man.
- That's what I do.
Can I... Can I tell you some
of the ideas I have?
Yeah.
And, kids, Marshall was right.
I didn't give up
on my dream house
because that's the thing
about stupid decisions:
We all make them.
But time is funny.
And sometimes a little magic...
It can take
a stupid decision...
...and turn it
into something else entirely.
Because, kids, as you know,
That house....
is this house.