Kids, you may be wondering
How many of these stories
I'm telling you are true.
It's a fair question.
After all, there's a fine line
Between a good story
and a bald-faced lie.
I've never met anyone
Who could work that line
better than your Uncle Barney.
Heck, he could jump rope with it.
I love to travel myself.
Really?
Where's the best
place you've visited?
Hawaii's nice.
A buddy of mine lives in Seattle.
That's a good spot.
But the best place?
I'd have to say the moon.
Hi. Neil Armstrong.
No! You did not convince
a girl that you were
The first man to walk on the moon!
That happened seven years
before you were born!
Ted, baby doll, minor hurdle.
Oh, yeah, well, our spaceship
passed through a wormhole
Or some gamma Rays or something.
I started aging backwards,
blah, blah, blah.
So, you work in a yogurt shop.
That must be wild.
Although, I did actually work In
a yogurt store in High School.
And it was indeed...
Wild.
Anyhoo, 20 minutes later,
the eagle landed.
We knocked Space boots.
Houston, we have a moaner.
Other Space-related
double entendres.
Why do you feel the need
to lie all the time?
I'm not lying!
Guys, we made sweet love.
I got pictures.
I hate my job.
What are you talking about?
I thought you just
interviewed the mayor.
Mayor mcwoof.
He wears a dog costume and
teaches kids not to litter.
At least He's supposed to.
Oh, I don't want to
talk about mayor mcwoof.
I want to talk about these amazing
insoles From bon appe-feet!
Just look how
shock-absorbent they are!
Prop table! Table's a prop!
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Oh. Sorry, Robin.
Got bored.
Yeah, I don't blame you.
Man, just one decent interview
Would be so nice for a change.
Fine. I'll look at my schedule,
see when I'm available.
But I want a list of
questions ahead of time,
And my personal life is off limits.
Ted, you caught seven
peanuts in a row.
It's impressive,
but it's not newsworthy.
- You caught seven in a row?
- Seven in a row.
But that's not what I'm
talking about that.
No. I'm talking about how
I was selected to build
A scale model of the
empire state building
For the largest recreation Of the
New York skyline in the world.
Is that the thing you were
playing with the other night?
I wasn't playing.
I was working.
"it's you."
"it's me."
"I saw you in the street.
Are you Annie?"
"yes."
Ted, are you acting
out the last scene
Of sleepless in Seattle
with little dolls?
How long have you been out here?
Ten seconds.
Yeah. Just the last scene.
Oh, Ted. Again?
Ooh. That's the pizza.
Baby, do you have any cash?
Oh. You know, uh,
I don't... I actually...
I don't think that I
should Have to pay.
'cause I'm not a fan of pizza.
What?!
Marshall, we've driven
halfway across the country
For a piece of pizza
literally hundreds of times.
I once caught you eating
pizza in the shower.
Marshall, there's a cartoon
of you on our coupons.
I'm not saying Marshall's
a guy who likes pizza,
But last time he went
in for a physical,
Doctor says, "marshall,
you got to stop eating pizza."
Marshall says, "why?" doc says,
"so I can examine you."
But seriously,
we kid because we love.
All right, look, the reason
That I don't have any
money on me is because...
I got mugged.
You...? What?
Can somebody please pay Arthur?
All right? I'm starving!
How's your dad, by the way? Better.
Good. Mm. Mm.
<font color="#EC14BD">Sync by honeybunny</font>
<font color="#EC14BD">www.addic7ed.com</font>
Oh, my God, you got mugged?!
Who mugged you?
Was he wearing a black skull-knit
cap And a five o'clock shadow?
Did he say, "stick 'em up?"
Yes, Barney, because
I got mugged in 1947
At the corner of abbott
and costello. No.
I was cutting through central
park on my way home from work...
Watch it.
Don't get any closer.
It's cool. It's cool.
It was... Completely terrifying.
It was... Completely terrifying.
What are you doing?
I'm rehearsing.
I'm gonna pretend this
happened to me later
To try and get some sympathy sex.
Barney, that won't work.
Will it?
Big time. I'll allow it.
I can't believe Someone pointed
a gun at my marshmallow.
Now, I'm shaking.
I-I don't think I'm going
to be able to sleep tonight.
Oh! Here, sweetie. I have something
that will help you sleep.
Just stick this under your pillow.
You'll sleep like a freakin' baby.
Robin, put that away.
It's not going to hurt anyone.
The safety's... on.
Okay, you know what?
Let's all just relax.
We don't need a gun.
I'd just like to forget
this ever happened
And try to move on with my life.
Just like to forget
this ever happened
And try to move on with my life.
This is great stuff.
I think I'm gonna
add tears, though.
Listen, baby, I know that it's scary,
but look at me.
I'm fine, okay?
Can we just put this behind us?
Oh, that's gold, but I'm going
To switch it to "
put me behind you."
Look, baby, you don't
have to worry about me.
I mean, yes, I'm a little scared,
but I'm a new yorker.
I'm not gonna let this change me.
I've changed!
I'm a gun person now.
Clip! Yeah,
maybe we should just take
A break for a little bit...
I said, "clip."
You want to get a gun?
Not a scary one.
Just a cute, little,
pink beretta that matches
These adorable strappy
sandals I just bought.
By the way,
our new credit card works.
You don't need a gun.
Every statistic in the world
points to the fact that
It's safer not to have a gun
in the home than to have one,
Especially in our home.
You know how I'm always
accidentally injuring you.
Pretty easy, right?
Hurry up, baby.
The party's about to start.
Boo!
Oh, my God, Lily!
I thought you were
going as a sexy cat!
I changed my mind.
And now you want to bring
a gun into that equation?
I know, you're right,
but every time I close my eyes,
I picture that guy
pointing a gun at you.
And you're my whole world,
Marshall.
If something ever happened to you,
I would just...
I would just... Okay.
Okay... No, I know. I know.
Okay, look, I've got
to admit something.
That mugging didn't happen exactly
the way that I said it did.
Aha! So he was wearing a black,
skull-knit cap.
Told... Ja! No, he wasn't
wearing A black, skull-knit cap.
He wasn't wearing anything.
Wait, so... Watch it.
Don't get any closer.
It's... It's cool.
It's cool.
He naked-muggered you?
I'm not going to ask where
he was keeping the gun.
Are we sure it was a gun?
Okay, no, guys.
I was, I was walking home from work...
Through central park,
And I stopped at the zoo.
Watch it. Don't get any closer.
Oh, it's cool. It's cool.
You're telling us... That you
got mugged... By a monkey.
I got mugged by a monkey.
You got mugged by a monkey?
Yep, I got mugged by a monkey.
I was embarrassed,
so I made up the other story.
But the point is, Lily,
you don't need a gun.
Oh, forget about the gun.
We're on this now.
Whoa, monkeys are
mugging people now?
It really is a jungle out there.
Oh, my God! That
monkey has our address.
What if he's in a gang?
I hope he doesn't do a swing-by.
Why didn't you just ask the
zookeeper to get your wallet back?
'cause I saw what the
monkey was doing with it,
And I didn't really
want it after that.
Hey, guys. What's up?
Oh, some new information has come
to light on Marshall's mugging.
Oh, really? Did they catch the guy?
Well, he's behind bars.
Well, where did they find him?
Oh, I'm guessing naked in a tree,
throwing his own feces.
Oh, I've seen that guy.
See, that's why I take cabs.
You know how they
caught him, right?
There was a tail on him.
There was a tail on him!
Okay... What is going on?
All right, Robin,
here's what happened.
No-no-no-no! Let me tell it.
It's my story.
You see, young Marshall Was
at the zoo eating a banana...
No, I wasn't eating a banana!
If you're gonna tell it,
tell it right.
Oh, you're right.
The banana was on the ground.
There was no...
There was no banana.
Marshall, I apologize... truly.
Robin, here's what happened.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, don't shoot.
There was no banana! Oh, come on.
Barney, I know, Marshall
didn't get mugged by a monkey.
Marshall?
That part he got right.
Guys!
This is not an
uncommon thing, okay?
In Thailand, in China,
in Costa Rica,
People get mugged by
monkeys all the time.
Monkeys are gatherers.
Because of their
intersocial dynamics,
Having a predisposition
towards stealing
Gives one a genetic advantage.
You were mugged by a monkey!
Maybe he was just curious.
Were you wearing a yellow hat?
Marshall, in all seriousness,
this is a great story.
I mean, can I interview
you about it on my show?
What?! He gets to be on your show?
What about my model?
No one wants to see a guy come
on my show and play with dolls.
Okay, first of all,
that is not what it is.
And second of all,
You just had a guy on your
show playing with dolls.
So, your dolls are favored to win
At the rhinebeck collector
awards next month.
Only if they behave themselves.
Last year, I found
one of them cavorting
With a g.I. Joe.
It's not funny.
What were you thinking?
What if you'd gotten pregnant?
And you invited him back
for a follow-up interview.
Only because the FBI asked us
To keep him occupied while
they search his house.
Come on, Marshall. I need the story.
It's got everything.
Crime, monkeys, no stupid model
of the empire state building
That takes up my entire living room
And makes the whole
place smell like glue.
Come on. Do this for me...
As a friend?
It'd be fun to see you on tv. Yeah.
Okay... Can you promise
to present it in a way
That doesn't make a
joke out of the fact
That I got mugged by a monkey?
You got mugged by a monkey.
Oh, my God.
I just got mugged. What?
Is what I was saying to this
girl at the bar earlier...
It was completely terrifying.
I just want to forget
This ever happened and try
to move on with my life.
Oh, you poor thing.
Neil?
Neil. Neil. I... I... Neil!
Lady, my name's not Neil.
It's bar... Gah-gah!
Why are you calling him Neil?
Because that's his name.
He's Neil Armstrong.
The cyclist? I thought
You were supposed to be
on a shuttle mission?
I thought you just got mugged.
Okay, I can do this.
Uh, uh, you see,
I was on my way to the launch pad
When I was mugged.
And the mugger took
my space shuttle keys.
Nailed it.
Who's up for a three-way?
I am.
Me, too.
And it was the best three-way ever.
Strange, 'cause you look
Like you just had two vodka
tonics thrown in your face.
And you have lime in your hair.
I do?
The story's better with my ending.
Just... Okay?
So, there we are, zero gravity.
The three of us wearing
nothing but space helmets...
Marshall!
You won't believe it.
I pitched the monkey mugger story
To my producer and he loves it!
Oh... Wow. Yeah!
Really? Cool. Yeah!
I mean, who's ever heard of a
guy getting mugged by a monkey?
No one except for the
good people of Thailand,
China, Costa Rica,
and plenty of other countries
Where monkey crime is an
extremely common nuisance.
Well, the best part is,
he said that
It might get picked
up to go national.
Guys, this monkey mugger
story could make me famous.
Me, too.
Guys, this is bad.
I-I can't, I can't do this.
So, it'll be a little
embarrassing... so what?
It's not that. Guys...
I wasn't mugged by a monkey.
So, you weren't mugged by a monkey?
No, I wasn't.
So what you're saying is
The monkey tricked you into
giving him your wallet?
No, that's not what I'm saying.
So you mugged the monkey?
Guys, there was no monkey!
It was a human being with a gun.
Are you sure it wasn't one monkey
Standing on another
monkey's shoulders,
Wearing a men's trench coat?
Be about the right height.
No! I... I just made that story up
So that Lily wouldn't get a gun.
The truth is that
it never happened.
I don't buy it. What?
You heard me. I think you
were mugged by a monkey.
You just don't want
to go on Robin's show
'cause you're afraid it'll make you
Look like a big joke.
Well, won't it?
The biggest, 'cause it's so funny.
Well, it never happened, okay?
And I can lie to you guys about
it because you're my best friends.
I am, but go on.
But I can't lie about
it on national tv.
Ted, you've known him the longest.
Is he telling the truth?
Ted, don't...
I can't tell.
He smells good.
But I just can't tell.
Well, I'm still saying it happened.
Maybe. But, Marshall,
if you didn't get mugged by a monkey,
You can't let Robin
report it on her show.
I mean, this could
hurt her credibility.
Oh, please! Journalists
lie all the time.
I'm sorry, but I will believe
That Jack Palance is
dead when I see the body.
Okay, this may come as
a shock to you, Barney,
But people don't
like to be lied to.
Wrong! They don't like finding
out they've been lied to.
"because a lie is
just a great story
That someone ruined
with the truth."
Barney Stinson.
Case in point, what that
girl Sarah did to me!
I think you mean
what you did to her.
No, I mean what she did to me.
The truth is, I'm afraid
the three-way story
Didn't go exactly the
way I said it did.
Nailed it.
Who's up for a three-way?
Lisa, wait.
Yes, Neil?
Oh, you're Lisa? Sarah, wait.
Look.
I'm not Neil Armstrong.
I'm sorry I lied.
Well, I guess I wasn't completely
honest with you, either.
I mean, I said that I was 28,
But the truth is
that I'm really 31.
And if we're being
completely honest,
I went to the doctor the other
day and found out... 31!
I was happy, very happy,
Thinking that I had nailed a
28-year-old with some sun damage.
People want the lie.
Marshall, they need the lie,
which is why,
As far as I'm concerned,
you were mugged by a monkey.
Just as sure as I
had that three-way.
I am the greatest in the world!
Bar... Barney!
Is that the three-way belt?
You know it. Props!
Man, I slept so great last night.
Can you believe I
almost bought a gun?
I'm so glad you got
mugged by a monkey.
Okay... You guys got me.
I was just nervous.
I, I got mugged by a monkey.
Yes! I knew it.
Wait a minute. Now I'm thinking
You really weren't
mugged by a monkey.
Come on, Ted. Why would he
make something like that up?
Yeah, come on, Ted.
Come here.
Okay, seriously,
what is that cologne?
It's intoxicating.
So, late the following night,
We all went to the
set of Robin's show.
Okay, Marshall, now,
don't be nervous.
What we're going to do is
we're going to sit you...
What the hell is this?
I don't know. Looks like
something covered by a sheet.
Guess if you want to find out,
You're going to have
to do a story on it.
You're going to be
covered by a sheet
If you don't get your
stupid model out of here.
Dude, what are you doing?
I don't think Marshall's
going to lie on tv.
And when he backs out,
I want to be there
For my friend, Robin, with a story.
Or rather, 102 stories,
Because that's how tall a certain
iconic New York landmark is.
Now, I want to buy a gun.
Whoa, the monkey's here.
Yeah, surprise.
We thought it would help the story
To bring him here so you
could face your attacker.
Yeah. Because of this incident,
We will be sending Captain
Bobo to a wildlife sanctuary.
Oh, I bet he'll like it there.
No, ma'am.
You see, we'll be splitting
him up from his mate, Milly.
They've been together
for a long time.
His mate's name is Milly?
And then, the interview began.
Marshall, in your own words,
Describe what happened.
Well, I would, I...
I would love to tell you
what happened, Robin.
But I'm just, I'm so curious
As to what is going on
underneath that sheet.
Well, we're not here
to talk about that.
We're here to talk about
your mugging. Right.
Well, people get mugged in
New York City all the time,
Robin, but how often
do you get to see
Whatever's under that sheet?
Mike, can we get a shot of that?
We'll be right back. We're clear.
What the hell are you doing?
Robin, I... I wasn't really
mugged by a monkey, okay?
I just made up that story so
that Lily wouldn't buy a gun.
So you weren't mugged by a monkey?
No, what are you
talking about, baby?
Of course I was mugged by a monkey.
Great, tell it to America.
We're back in five.
No-no-no, not back in five.
I wasn't mugged by a monkey.
Okay, that's it.
I'm getting a gun. No-no-no!
Don't get a gun.
I was mugged by a monkey.
Well, then Bobo here is going away.
Wasn't! I wasn't
mugged by a monkey!
Ted, do you have any idea if
Marshall was mugged by a monkey?
None whatsoever.
Just tell me, were you or were
you not mugged by Captain Bobo?
Yeah, baby, just tell
us what really happened.
Yeah, Marshall,
just us tell the truth.
And that's when Marshall realized
There was only one
thing he could say.
All right!
Here's the truth.
I...
Am going back to bed.
And that was it.
We never found out what really
happened to Uncle Marshall's wallet.
But we do know this.
Aunt Lily never got a gun,
Robin's credibility remained unimpeached,
And Bobo and Milly lived
out their days together
In the Central Park Zoo.
Damn it.
All right, Ted, mic up.
Mic'd up and made up.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Well, that wasn't very satisfying.
When I tell everyone
at work this story,
I'm saying he was
mugged by a monkey.
And I'm going to keep the
banana on a string thing.
That was working.
Barney, enough with the lies.
You can't just tack on a new ending
Because you're not satisfied
with how a story wraps up.
Oh, really?
Well, mark my words, Mosby.
Someday you'll be telling this story,
you'll see it my way.
Doubtful.
And then, kids, you'll never
believe what happened.
The monkey got loose!
He's got one of my dolls!
Bobo, come here, Bobo.
Bobo... Whow whow whow...
He's climbing the building!
Bobo, come here.
I'll get him.
Is this really happening?
Sure is, Ted.
No comments:
Post a Comment