<i>Kids, there are two big
days in any love story:
<i>the day you meet
the girl of your dreams,
<i>and the day you marry her.
Nice! Where'd
you get this?
Stashed a cooler
behind the pulpit.
Beer be with you.
And also with you.
Man, this is what
church has been missing.
Dude, you
fixed church.
Yeah.
You're welcome, God.
Nervous?
What? No. I'm just
hoping it doesn't rain.
Why? Do I
look nervous?
Look at your beer,
dude.
You always do that
when you're nervous.
It's a sad day
in New York, Ted.
A sad day, indeed.
Do you know what I saw
on my way in here?
A girl...
In a sweater.
And you know what that means.
The season
of exposed skin is over.
Exactly.
Gone are the
tank tops, Ted.
Gone are the cute little skirts.
Gone are the
sun dresses.
The sun dresses, Ted!
I don't think
I can make it another eight
months with no sun dresses.
Barney, I really...
I have to grade these papers.
I'm sorry. I'll let you work.
But first,
a riddle:
What piece of women's attire
most stokes a man's desire?
A sun dress.
Correct.
What lightweight outfit,
pink or white,
makes the front of my slacks
abnormally tight?
I really have to get this done.
Of course, of course.
Thank you.
"Sun dress," by the way.
Hey!
What are you nervous about?
Tell me.
Tell me. Tell me.
What flowing cotton frock...
Okay, I'll tell you. Just...
There's a...
There's a girl
sitting at the bar.
Don't look!
I want to see a pretty girl.
Okay, you can look.
Just-just-just be cool for once.
I'll be cool.
Ah, Ted.
You got your beer label
in a bunch over nothing.
Listen to your
Uncle Barney.
You have no reason
to be nervous.
None whatsoever.
And I'm going to tell
you why in one word.
And what's that word?
- Dibs!
- What...
Sync by fant0m
www.addic7ed.com
You can't call dibs on a girl
I've been sitting here
thinking about maybe talking to
eventually at some point.
You never called dibs.
Dibs were implied.
- Implied dibs?
- Yeah.
Ted, you are spitting
on the grave
of Sir Walter Dibs,
inventor of the dib.
It was 1652...
<i>The SS Dibs was lost at sea...
Look, I don't have time
for a fake history lesson,
so I'll keep this simple.
You go over there
and talk to that girl,
I will see you in court.
And who's gonna represent you?
Dibs on Marshall as my lawyer!
Damn it!
Where is Marshall anyway?
<i>Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily
<i>had recently decided
<i>to take a swing
at starting a family.
Tonight was their first at-bat.
Okay,
I'm almost ready to leave.
Let's just go
through the checklist. Candles?
Check.
Music to set the mood?
Check.
Music for when
we're actually doing it?
Check.
You know what?
To hell with your dibs.
I'm going over there right now
and talking to her.
Oh, yeah, yeah?
Be my guest.
Fall in love with her.
Get married.
Just know this:
When I step up
to make my toast
as your best man...
Actually, Marshall would
probably be...
As your best man...
Ladies and Gentlemen...
I... had dibs.
No!
What?
Tell me this
isn't true.
I had implied dibs.
You know,
you've humiliated me!
I had no idea.
You have to know that.
You're the victim
here. We both are.
Let's get out of here.
Or, you know, we could
just do it right here.
We could just do
it right here.
Fine.
Have at it.
Exercise your dibs.
She's got her shields up anyway.
She's reading a book.
Yeah.
At a bar.
That book might as well
be called,
<i>Are You There, Barney?
It's Me, Horny.
That is not
what "shields up" looks like.
That is what
"shields up" looks like.
Move.
God!
Hey. 'Sup, dudes?
Fries?
Oh, good God, woman.
You're a disgrace.
No fries for this guy.
Robin,
seriously, I love you,
but it's like
you have
squiggly cartoon odor lines
coming off of you right now.
You know what,
Barney?
Just cut her some slack, okay?
She just went
through a breakup.
With hygiene?
<i>No, with Don.
<i>A few months earlier...
Here, have some tea.
Thanks.
Robin, I am
here for you.
Whatever you need.
Okay, about that.
Ted, listen.
I know myself pretty well.
And, some time over
the next few months,
I'm going to want
to sleep with you.
And when that happens,
you have to try to say no.
Try?
I will absolutely say no.
Our friendship
is too important.
Okay, you know,
maybe I wasn't clear enough.
I will come at you
with everything I've got.
I will stalk you
like the lioness
stalks the gazelle:
careful, patient, deadly.
And if you let
your guard down
for so much as a second,
as sure as you were born,
I will hump your brains out.
Okay, I'm ready to have sex now.
It was a tough summer,
but I think our girl's
been a real trooper.
She's...
Is this a Cheeto?
No, we ran out
of Cheetos last week.
Oh, yeah,
it's a Cheeto. Dibs.
Oh, you're exquisite.
You must let me paint you.
Hey Robin, what
do you think?
The girl sitting
at the bar.
Shields up?
Mmm, totes, toots.
She's here on a date.
She brought the book
because she got here early,
and she also wants to impress
the guy she's meeting.
Girls like to come across all
classy and smart, you know?
This?
What you're doing right now?
I'm getting a "de-rection."
Hey! How'd it go?
You pregnant yet?
Nope!
Okay, so, here's
what happened.
I was at home,
waiting for Marshall.
Hey! How was your day?
Don't answer. No time.
Bedroom.
No, no. No time.
Floor. No, no time.
Against this wall!
Marshall, whoa! Wait.
A big package just arrived.
Yeah, it did.
No, no.
It's a real package
from your dad.
Well, that's a little weird,
but yeah, it is.
Marshall, look!
A bassinet? Oh, my...
He must've made it
in his wood shop.
Wasn't that sweet of him?
Lil?
Isn't that sweet?
Lily?
You told your dad we're trying
to have a baby?
Of course I did.
I tell my dad everything.
My dad is my best friend.
Lily, we have been
looking forward
to this magical, special night
for two weeks now.
And, sweetie, during that time,
I have been...
How do I put this delicately?
Saving all my love for you.
I have read 11 books
on conception.
I have cut out
alcohol, caffeine and sugar.
I take my temperature
every hour.
But good for you
for not playing with yourself.
I feel you, buddy.
Ah, no! Don't
even touch me, dude.
It's been, like...
It's been two weeks.
I'm, like, a light breeze away
from having a big problem.
Seriously.
Okay, I'm better now.
Okay, Barney.
What's this going
to cost me?
Excuse me?
Your dibs.
I want to buy your dibs.
Two... hundred...
and fifty thousand dollars.
20 bucks.
But I...
Can I go smell her first?
- No.
- Fine.
All right.
Wish me luck.
<i>Now kids,
remember how I told you
<i>about a girl named Cindy?
<i>How I went on one date
with her and it ended...
Get out.
<i>badly? Well...
How are you?
Good.
What the hell are you doing?
That girl she's
talking to?
I dated her.
Oh, that sucks!
And dibs.
So you went on one date
with one of her friends.
It's not necessarily a big deal.
I mean, did it end on bad terms?
Oh, hi Cindy!
Oh, hi Cindy.
Well, I guess
you just got to move on.
I mean, it's not like
you have a shot
with Ready McGee
over there, right?
Ted?
<i>Then I remembered.
<i>Cindy had a roommate.
<i>A roommate
I only caught a glimpse of...
<i>But a roommate who,
<i>by every indication,
was something very special.
<i>Was it possible?
<i>Could this be the girl
attached to that ankle?
I got to see her ankles.
You're one of those?
God, I swear,
one in five guys...
<i>Lily!
We kind of had a plan tonight,
remember?
Candles? Banjo?
Who else did you tell? Did you
tell anyone at the office?
Shannon?
Start the music.
Can you dig it?!
Take it to the
hole, Eriksen!
Sink that putt,
big fuzz!
Put a pillow under
her lower back.
It helps facilitate
conception, bro!
I may have mentioned it
in passing
to a couple of colleagues
at work.
I'm sorry about that,
but you know what?
I got to be able
to tell my dad.
Your dad is the last person
you should tell!
The man is too involved
in our lives!
It's like,
every time the phone rings...
Hello.
Lily, Marvin Eriksen.
I noticed you hadn't changed
your last name yet.
No, I'm gonna...
So, don't worry.
I called the DMV,
I called your Amex, I got
that process started for you.
Hello.
Lily, Marvin Eriksen.
I understand
you and Marshall
have been fighting.
Well, let me tell you what works
for me and the missus.
Frilly French undies
and a box of wine.
Hello.
You might want
to try pickles on that sandwich.
Pickles would have helped
that sandwich!
The man has no boundaries.
And I just can't procreate
under these conditions!
Yeah, well, you know what?
I've already told him,
so the damage is done.
So, call him and tell him
we decided not to have a baby.
Okay, so you just...
You want me
to give my dad a stroke?
Only if you want
to give this a stroke.
That's ridiculous.
Lily, there is no way
that I would ever...
Okay, everyone needs
to shut up so
that I can think!
They're talking
to a guy now.
What kind of guy?
A cheesy guy or a cool guy?
Oh, a cheesy guy.
Don't worry.
Oh, man!
That guy is cool.
His hair's all cool,
he's got a cool belt.
Well, that guy is cheesy,
and if you think
he's not cheesy,
then you're cheesy, too,
and now I want something cheesy.
Who's feeling nachos?
Oh, look at you, Robin.
You're jealous.
Jealous?
Yeah, jealous,
because she's got it,
and you've lost it.
I have not lost it.
You lost it.
I still have it.
I know exactly where it is,
and I can go get it
whenever I want.
Robin, girls are
like cartons of milk.
Each one has a hotness
expiration date,
and you've hit yours.
I'm not saying the occasional
guy won't still open the fridge,
pick you up, give a sniff,
shrug and take a sip anyway.
But it's all
downhill from here.
I don't have to take this.
But I do have to take this.
Okay, so you just want me
to call my dad and tell him
that we're not having a baby?
That's about the size of it.
Okay, out of curiosity,
when do we tell him
about the baby?
We'll tell him about the baby
when there's a baby
to tell him about.
So, he just gets no notice?
He just walks
into his boss's office,
and says,
"I just had a grandson.
I'm gonna be out
for three months."
Out for three months?
Yeah.
He and my mom are coming
to live with us
when the baby's born.
We talked about this.
No, we didn't.
I meant, me and my dad.
You know what, Marshall?
Why don't you have a baby
with your dad?
Oh, okay, Lily.
Why don't you have a baby
with your butt?
What?
I can't think straight!
Why do you have to
wear that shirt?
This is not how I thought
this night was going to go!
Ted?
Oh, God, this sucks!
Do you think she saw me?
Hi, Ted!
Yeah, she
definitely saw you.
Can I see you for a minute...
in private?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
I mean, how could
that not be fun?
If I don't come back,
tell my mom I love her.
Okay, will do. And dibs.
Barney, am I crazy?
Marshall talks
to his dad way too much, right?
Oh, you don't want my opinion
on that.
Why not?
If I had my dad's number,
<i>I would never not be
on the phone with him.
That was really...
Whoa, a hottie with a body!
Boing...!
Brief.
No. Lily, look.
You saucy
little minx.
You sundressed up.
Hi.
14 seconds!
14 seconds, and already
some dingdong
is stepping up,
thinking he can get
some of this broke off.
I... still... got... it.
All right, buddy, you proved
my point. Now scram.
Nice belt,
by the way.
Robin, you do
look super hot.
Oh, do I?
Yeah, you do.
Thanks.
<i>I braced myself
for what was next:
<i>rage, fury,
a possible shanking.
Thank you, Ted.
After things didn't
work out with us,
I got really sad
for a while.
But then I realized,
you're not what I wanted, Ted,
and I'm not what you wanted.
I'm sorry I was such a jerk.
I feel like I should
make it up to you somehow.
You know, buy you a beer
or Yankees tickets, or...
Or set me up with
one of your friends.
No, I'm kidding.
That would be weird.
- No, it wouldn't.
- It wouldn't, would it?
Any one of
those three.
Whichever's easiest
and right nearby.
And not the beer.
I should get back.
Totally.
Come say good-bye
before you leave.
Say good-bye before you leave?
Her words exactly.
Dude, you are so in.
That is so awesome.
A high five doesn't
even cut it.
High six!
She didn't see us
high-six, did she?
No. Good. That was pretty lame.
Yeah, let's never
do that again.
Marshall?
What? Lily, what?
Are there more members
of my family that you
want to crap all over?
- Here's the thing.
- I'm sorry. Hold on.
Just...
It's my dad.
Lily, it's my dad, okay?
I love him, and if he calls me,
I'm gonna answer the phone!
Hey, Dad.
Hey, hey. I know it's late,
but I just had to call.
How'd it go?
Dad, this is...
Did you do everything
the books say?
Did you put the pillow
under her back?
Dad, I'm in the middle
of something right now.
Did it feel like a boy?
You can tell.
He's insane.
My dad is insane.
I'm so sorry, Lily.
He's just...
He's so...
enthusiastic.
It's ridiculous, you know?
Like, who's like that?
You.
You're like that.
You and your dad
both care so much.
It's... it's why
women fall in love
with the Eriksen men
to begin with.
But right now,
it's a lot of pressure.
Baby, I'm not trying to
pressure you one bit.
What if I can't have a baby?
That could happen.
I could totally let you down.
Has that thought
not occurred to you?
Not even for one second.
Not having a baby would suck,
but the idea of you
letting me down...
that's impossible.
That would be like
aliens landing.
That's a bad example,
because that could happen.
It probably already has.
I saw this, episode...
All right.
I'm doing this.
I am going over there.
Wish me luck.
<i>Kids, nothing in this life
quite compares to the sweet,
<i>terrifying exhilaration
of making your move.
<i>When you just put it all
on the line and go for it.
<i>And that night, by golly,
<i>Cindy went for it.
<i>So no, kids,
that girl wasn't your mother.
<i>She ended up being
someone else's mother.
<i>In fact, they both did.
Like I said,
she's here on a date.
<i>So that was not the
day I met your mother.
<i>The day I met your mother
was the day of a wedding.
Okay, maybe I'm
a little nervous.
Dude, it's just
a wedding toast.
I know. I just... I want
it to be great, you know?
I want this whole
day to be great.
It will be.
Best man?
You're being summoned.
Geez, what now?
Ted, seriously, relax.
Everything's...
Okay, and it's raining.
Yeah. You were saying?
You didn't happen to bring
an umbrella, did you?
No. I didn't
bring an umbrella.
I mean, everyone told us that
it might take a while, but...
We thought we might be
the exception to the rule.
Anyways, we're getting
back on that horse.
I mean, feeling good
about the future.
Obviously, this goes
without saying,
but you won't tell Lily
about any of this, right?
No! Of course! Absolutely!
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