How I Met Your Mother - S06E24 - Challenge Accepted

<i>NARRATOR: Kids, in the spring of 2011,
Zoey and I broke up.
<i>But the good news:
<i>Goliath National Bank
<i>was finally ready
to demolish The Arcadian
<i>and build the new headquarters
I'd designed for them.
Ho!
<i>The only problem was--
I kept butting heads
<i>with my project supervisor
on one very important issue.
I want to press the button
to blow up The Arcadian!
I want to press it!
I want to press it!
I want to press it!
Guys, I dated
you both,
and neither of you
is good at pressing
or even finding
the button.
After some awkward
pawing around,
that building's going
to fake an implosion,
say, "Baby, that was great""
and go to sleep.
She means you.
She means you.
I want to press it.
I want to press it!
I'm gonna press it!
I'm gonna press it!
It's just a button, okay?
Can we just talk about
something else, please?
(sighs)
Well, I ran into Zoey yesterday.
Oh.
Oh.
That's the first time
since the breakup.
How's she doing?
I'm still unemployed,
so I had to get
a couple roommates.
Saving money.
Making new friends.
No downside.
They're all 22 and sell drugs.
Which means they're
not taking them.
So, that's a win.
Well, I can tell
you're really busy
so I should...
I'll let you go.
Hey.
You want to get coffee
sometime?
You know that "coffee" is code for
"I want to get back together" right?
Well, at first I wasn't sure,
but then she said something
that got me thinking.
I want to get back together.
Oh!
Oh!
Don't worry, we're not.
I just, I feel bad Zoey's
having such a hard time.
You know what might...
make you feel better, buddy?
I'm not letting you
press the button.
I want to press
the button!
You're not pressing the
button! It's my button!
<i>Sadly, that's all you need
to know about my summer.
<i>Now, around this time,
Uncle Marshall
<i>was still having a tough time
finding a job.
He's out printing out a
whole new batch of résumés
because he misspelled the phrase
"detail-oriented."
And when he gets back home,
he is going to find
his favorite soup
there waiting for him.
Oh, that's sweet, Lil,
but didn't you guys get
food poisoning here one time?
Three times.
But they're really nice
about it.
Their policy is, "Get sick,
get a free gallon of soup""
(sneezing)
<i>And so, Lily dropped off
Marshall's surprise soup
<i>and headed back to work
to introduce the new class pet.
This is Mr. Buttons 2.
Now, after
what happened
to Mr. Buttons 1,
we have to be very gentle
with... (retching)
Marshall!
(brakes screeching)
(retching)
Don't eat the soup!
Oh, thank God. (panting)
This was about to be
my third bowl.
Why shouldn't I eat the soup?
(retching)
Why shouldn't I eat the soup?
<font color=#ffff00>¶ How I Met Your Mother 6x24 ¶</font>
<font color=#00ffff>Challenge Accepted</font>
Original Air Date on May 16, 2011
== Resync by <font color="#00ff00">jacobian @ Hdbits.org</font> ==
Hey, Mr. Architect,
big day for you
tomorrow, huh?
Yeah. Getting to stand next
to me while I press the button.
That is going to be legend...--
wait for it-- ...dary adjacent.
Legendary adjacent!
You okay?
Yeah... no.
This morning I was
talking to the foreman.
Hey, hotshot.
You know, Rod, um, I'm
loving that nickname,
and I can tell
it's totally affectionate,
but, uh, I'd prefer Ted.
Yeah, but you're
such a hotshot,
I figured I'd just
call you hotshot.
Pick one.
And make sure you like it.
There's going to be
50,000 of these
in your big, hotshot
building, hotshot.
50,000 lightbulbs!
What if this one's too bright?
What if this one flickers
and gives everyone
a weird headache?
Do you know
how many people
it takes to change
50,000 lightbulbs?
Are these people Irish,
Polish, blondes--
what are we dealing with here?
There's just-- there's so
many decisions to be made.
What if I make all
the wrong ones
and my building
just sucks?
Not possible.
Your building is new.
And I have one rule:
New is always better.
You can't keep saying
you have one rule
if they're always
different rules.
Ah, but "new is always better"
is my oldest rule,
which makes it the best.
Hi, Marsh.
Oh, hey, buddy.
TED:
Hey.
Everything okay?
Lily got food poisoning
from some soup.
(Barney sighs)
And then I ate the soup
exactly three hours later.
Which means I can see exactly
three hours into my future, and
it... doesn't... look... good.
<i>I tried to be supportive.
Oh, baby, can you
just hold me, please?
Of course, baby.
<i>But it doesn't help it
that when Lily gets going;
<i>she sounds like a velociraptor
from Jurassic Park.
(roaring)
<i>But then I realized
<i>a man can do a lot of living
in three hours.
So, I'm out experiencing this
beautiful, crazy dance called life.
Ah, my last meal.
MacClaren's famous
jalapeño poppers.
My doctor says
I need to eat healthier,
so I figured
the round-trip flight
these babies are about to take
will land them permanently
on the no-fry list.
Good-bye, my friend.
It's been a hell of a ride.
I have to...
Hey, babe.
The gang says
feel better.
Mm. Thanks. Wait,
you didn't tell them
I had food poisoning, did you?
Um, I...
Marshall,
when it's stomach stuff,
you just say
"under the weather,"
or people start picturing you
doing unspeakable things.
I know.
I just said that
you had the sniffles.
No one is picturing
anything but little
red-nosed you
under a blankie
with some hot tea.
I wonder what end it's coming
out of Lily right now.
I bet it's her tushie.
I bet it's both.
(imitating explosions)
Hey, speaking of explosions--
enough already, Ted!
That button's mine!
Yeah, fine, okay.
I got you this job, so I...
Say what?
Whatever.
It's yours.
I gotta run.
You...
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Yes, it is.
It's Bloom, Greenberg
and Associates.
They want me to come interview.
(roaring like velociraptor)
Yes, I know it's risky to go,
but this is the best
environmental law firm
in New York.
It's my dream job.
(roaring like velociraptor)
That's a great idea, babe.
I'll ask them.
Hey, is it at all possible,
could I come in on Monday?
Okay, I'll, I'll see you
at 5:00.
Thank you.
(roaring like velociraptor)
I love and believe in you, too,
baby.
Why would Ted
just give up the button
like that?
(text alert chimes)
And he forgot his phone.
"See you in an hour."
Who's that from?
Zoey.
They're meeting for coffee.
Ted's getting back together
with her!
Why would Ted get back together
with Zoey? He's doing great.
After a breakup,
we all think we're doing great.
Sometimes the tiniest trigger
can unravel you and send
you crawling right back.
No,
I refuse to believe that Ted
is getting back with Zoey
because of lightbulbs.
Uh, Ted's gone back for less.
(fizzling out)
Hi, Natalie.
You want to get coffee sometime?
Bro.
Ted, I only have one rule.
(voice cracking):
But I can't reach
the worst part.
Hi, Karen.
Want to get coffee sometime?
TV ANNOUNCER:
Coming up next,
our two local pandas,
Ming Ming and Bao Bao,
are expecting a baby.
Robin, you want to get coffee
sometime...?
(blowing raspberry)
Get it together, bro.
According
to my calculations,
at 6:00 p.m.,
my body is gonna pay out
like the most disgusting
slot machine in the world.
That gives me two hours
to go do the interview
and still get back in time.
Oh, but, baby, what if
you hit the jackpot early?
Don't worry.
I'll be prepared.
(military battle preparation
score playing)
(exhales sharply)
(laughing)
I'm talking your ear off, sorry.
Is there anything
I can do for you, sweetie?
Can... I... borrow...
an adult diaper?
We've got to stop Ted.
Where are they meeting?
Okay, Zoey wrote, "Meet me
at 6:00, where it all began,
where you gave me the orchid
at the intersection."
Well, that's good.
All we have to do is think back
to the time Ted told us
about his first date with Zoey.
Amazing first
date with Zoey!
We met at the
intersection.
(voice turns into "wah wah"
Charlie Brown's teacher's voice)
Aw, that's sweet.
You weren't listening either?
I was in a coma.
I mean, who pays attention
to that sappy romantic crap?
(scoffs)
BOTH: Lily!
Yeah, I wasn't
listening, either.
Ted really can go on
about a bitch.
Great. He could be anywhere.
We're flat out of clues.
Hey, wait. Ted left a message.
I could hear it 'cause
I was in the bathroom...
blowing my nose--
I have the sniffles.
(answering machine beeps)
TED: Hey, Lily,
hope you're feeling better.
Marshall told us you're
exploding from both ends
like a busted fire hydrant.
Damn it, Marshall.
Anyway, listen, I was going to
get back together with Zoey
today,
but I came to my senses
on the way out here, so...
False alarm.
(Robin and Barney laugh)
Oh, crap.
Just stepped in some gum.
I'm getting back together
with Zoey!
(both sigh)
Okay, we're never
gonna find him.
Wait, wait, wait.
That's was a subway announcement
in the background.
I speak conductor.
Hey, Lily, hope
you're feeling better.
Marshall told us...
Got it.
Ted's at...
(roaring like
velociraptor)
Oh...
(Lily sneezes)
Ted's at Smith
and Ninth Street.
That's the intersection.
That's in Brooklyn. How are we
ever gonna get there in time?
Way ahead of ya.
Hello!
Marshall. Jake Bloom.
Great to meet you.
Hello, hi.
Hey. Oh, I'm sorry
about the stench.
We're suing a factory
that's been dumping raw sewage
into a local marshland.
Yeah, ten minutes ago,
I was knee-deep
in liquefied human feces.
And that was just
on the F train.
(laughs)
(laughs weakly)
I can't believe Ted's getting
back together with Zoey.
I know. They're
a total train wreck.
Unmitigated disaster.
Worst couple ever.
Yeah, almost as bad as us.
(chuckles)
We were a mess.
(chuckles)
Do you remember how awful
I looked by the end?
My hair was falling out,
my skin was gray,
my back was hunched.
What about me? I got so fat,
<i>at the end of a date,
you'd unhook my bra.
You were the only boyfriend
I ever motorboated.
(both chuckle)
Thank God we're not
sentimental saps
who panic
and get back together.
Seriously,
why would people do that?
I guess I get it.
What do you mean?
Well, no matter how bad
things got...
Ted really did love Zoey
for a minute there.
Didn't he?
Yeah... he did.
And... she loved him, too.
Didn't she?
Yeah, she did.
(car stops)
(clears throat)
Smith and Ninth Street.
So, let me show you some
of the gut-wrenching
environmental atrocities
that we were working
to stop, okay?
Here, pop quiz.
What is that?
That's a seal.
Bingo! Yes, a bloated
seal corpse
rotting in industrial waste.
Mm-hmm.
Now, wait till you see
what we found
when we cut him open.
Okay, where the hell
are they?
Maybe this isn't
the intersection.
Well, maybe it is
and we're too late.
Man, I wish we'd gone
to Brooklyn sooner.
I know, right?
Ever since the Trader Joe's
opened up,
Brooklyn is so... whatever.
Wait. Where'd
you get that?
Across the street
at the Intersection.
So, uh, you guys... want
to buy some weed or...?
She's alone!
There's still time!
But where the
hell is Ted?
Wait a minute.
On their first date,
he brought her an orchid.
How much do you want to bet
he's gonna do it again?
Brilliant. But wait,
he had a huge
head start on us.
There's no way
he's still in there
unless he spent a half an hour
picking out the perfect orchid.
Thanks, Julia!
You know what? Let me see
the pink lady slipper again.
Now, do you know
what that is?
A pile of rotting seagull
carcasses
covered in toxic sludge.
Being eaten by rats. Exactly.
Now this next slide...
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's my wife's water birth.
I don't know how that got
in there.
(sighs)
Anyway, that's all my questions.
<i>Oh, my God, I made it!
<i>Now just shake his hand,
clench your very soul
<i>and run like hell!
Now, I like to set aside
20 minutes at the end
of every interview
for your questions.
So don't hold back.
Whatever you got inside there,
you just let 'er rip.
<i>I can't do this anymore.
<i>I'm just gonna tell him
the truth.
When it's stomach stuff,
you just say
"under the weather"
or people start picturing you
doing unspeakable things.
I have food poisoning and I'm
about to start volcanoing
toxic sludge out of both ends!
Nailed it.
Thanks, Julia!
(sighs)
No, on second thought.
(yelling)
Ooh! Come on.
What the hell?!
You can't get back together
with Zoey just because
you're freaking out
over a lightbulb.
I'm not freaking out
over a lightbulb!
I'm freaking out over
50,000 lightbulbs!
I can't do this!
I only got this job because
you gave it to me, Barney.
I didn't earn it!
Look, Ted, the future is scary.
But you can't just run back
to the past
because it's familiar.
Yes, it's tempting.
But... it's a mistake.
You're right.
Um, excuse me.
Can you give this to the blonde
sitting alone in there
and tell her Ted's really sorry?
Also... indirect sunlight.
Don't overwater. Half a cup
a week is more than enough.
No.
Hi.
<i>And kids...
<i>that's how I met your mother.
Psych. It was just some chick.
Hey, baby, how'd it go?
Lily, this year, this nasty
schoolyard bully of a year
will not stop punching me
in the face.
How did we kick off 2011?
My dad died.
And now after five months
of unemployment,
I just blew my dream job.
The good news is,
in a few seconds,
I'm gonna start heaving
my guts out
because that's what life is
for me now;
just losing what's inside
until I'm just empty.
Baby, come here.
I just want to shut my eyes
for a few seconds
before it starts.
<i>And Marshall slept...
<i>...all night.
Okay, hotshot.
Mr. Stinson.
Who's gonna do the honors?
He is.
You sure?
Yeah. You earned it.
All clear!
Hey, new is
always better, right?
Always.
Ten, nine,
eight...
Lily, it's a miracle.
I didn't get sick.
I didn't get sick.
I know, baby.
I'm pregnant.
ROD:
...one!
¶ Let it roll across the floor ¶
¶ Through the hall
and out the door ¶
¶ To the fountain of
perpetual birth ¶
I'm proud of you
for giving Ted the button.
It meant a lot.
It's just a button.
(voice breaking):
Can we talk about
something else, please?
(chuckles)
(muttering)
Nora.
Hi.
How you been?
Fine.
Look, I don't
know why
you would possibly say yes
to this, but would you want
to grab a cup of coffee with me
sometime?
20 minutes.
I was such a jerk to you.
You can spend the entire time
calling me
every dirty name in the book.
I speak four languages.
I'm gonna need more
than 20 minutes.
I'll call you.
You look beautiful,
by the way.
And here I thought
it was too late for sundresses.
It's never too late, Barney.
Challenge accepted.
LILY:
Best man?
You're being summoned.
Geez, what now?
I heard the groom needed me.
What do you think of this tie?

How I Met Your Mother - S06E23 - Landmarks

<i>NARRATOR:
Kids, this is a story of landmarks.
<i>There are certain moments in
life when you have to decide
<i>which things you can stand
to see torn down,
<i>and which things you have
to preserve, no matter what.
<i>Such a moment came
for all of us
<i>in May of 2011,
at a special meeting of the
<i>New York City Landmarks
Preservation Commission,
where the fate of The Arcadian
<i>would be decided
once and for all.
A symbol of strength
and constancy,
the stone lion of The Arcadian
has watched over
New Yorkers for generations.
So remember:
if the lion head stonework
is regal,
then tearing it down
should be illegal.
(cheering)
MARSHALL: Well...
Did you like that?
All right, uh...
We must make sure
the lion is always there.
Destroy The Arcadian?
Oh, no, don't you dare.
Yeah? Yeah? Okay.
Try this one on for size...
If you want New York's history
at your beck and call...
All right, thank you,
Mr. Eriksen.
I just have...
MODERATOR:
We will now hear from the architect
of the proposed GNB Tower,
Ted Mosby.
(audience cheering)
MODERATOR: Now, uh,
Mr. Mosby, let's just
cut right to the chase.
Do you think The Arcadian
should be a landmark?
(intense music starts
and swells)
(music cuts off)
Okay, it's killing me. What
rhymes with "beck and call?"
Wrecking ball.
Don't go swinging
no wrecking ball.
AUDIENCE:
Ah...
Thank you.
<font color=#ffff00>? How I Met Your Mother 6x23 ?</font>
<font color=#00ffff>Landmarks</font>
Original Air Date on May 9, 2011
== ReSync by <font color=#00FF00>jacobian</font> ==
== for 720p Web-DL @<font color=#00FFFF>hdbits.org</font> ==
Mr. Mosby,
do you think The Arcadian
should be a landmark?
It's not a difficult question.
<i>NARRATOR: Actually, it was
a difficult question.
<i>Of course, had he asked me
a few days earlier,
<i>I would have
immediately said...
"Yes. The Arcadian
should be a landmark."
And then the crowd
gasps: "Oh, my God!
"Did he really
just say that?
"Oh, heavens!
"Oh, my stars!
I must clutch
my pearls!"
So these things are generally
attended by old Southern ladies?
Almost exclusively.
But here's my point:
If they ask GNB's chief
architect-- aka me--
if The Arcadian should be a
landmark, and I say "yes"?
(mimes building blowing up)
That, no, that wasn't The
Arcadian being destroyed;
that was GNB's hopes of
destroying The Arcadian.
I'm sorry, I should
have been more clear.
Yeah.
The Arcadian's gonna
be all like...
Nice.
(chuckles)
I have a message from Barney.
<i>NARRATOR:
Things between Barney
<i>and the rest of us
had gotten a little frosty.
<i>First this happened.
Meet the new lawyer I hired
to help save The Arcadian.
<i>And then this happened.
What kind of dirtbag
doesn't stand by his best
friends, but instead,
sides with some
self-righteous bitch
with a pointless cause
and a megaphone?!
TED: Dude!
That's my girlfriend.
And ya know what?
I'm on her side now, too.
<i>NARRATOR:
Which led to this happening.
Message from Barney?
That's my cue to leave.
Good night, guys.
- I love you.
- Mmm. Love you, too.
Good night.
Good night.
All right,
what's the message?
'Cause if it's another
hypothetical
yet eerily accurate
drawing of my boobs...
Yeah, I have that, too.
Damn it.
All right, here's the message.
(clears throat)
"Oh, hey, guys.
Didn't see you there.
"I was too busy
feelin' fine and..."
Really?
(sighs) "Feelin' fine
and gettin' some 'jine."
ROBIN: "You may have
noticed the giant plate
"of hot wings in front of me.
"I know how much
you love hot wings.
"Too bad someone
bribed the kitchen
"to take them
off the menu tonight.
"So, if you want some,
"you're going to have
to come back to GNB.
"But hurry, this offer
will be gone lickety-split."
"Do evil laugh."
Oh, um...
(meek impression of Barney's laugh)
(silent laugh)
So, what are you turds up to?
Oh, we've got the big
LPC meeting in two days.
I have my whole
presentation worked out.
I just need to find a
good rhyme to end on.
Why does it need to rhyme?
Mm.
If you end an argument
with a rhyme,
<i>it's convincing all the time.
- Yeah.
It's why in
our apartment:
If you're a-hopin'
to score,
don't leave your socks
on the floor.
And she hasn't since.
No.
Okay, okay.
A couple of things.
Lily, how'd I do?
Nailed it.
(dry chuckle)
Secondly, Ted,
I'm sorry I said
mean things about Zoey.
Are you really going to walk
away from this project
just because you're mad at me?
It's not because
I'm mad at you.
Barney, The Arcadian
was designed
by a guy named
John Clifford Larrabee.
And even though he's been dead
for half a century,
it's my duty,
architect to architect,
to keep his work alive.
Please tell me a little
part of you understands.
I understand.
Zoey has magic lady bits.
What?
Zoey's lady bits...
are magic, and that's
how she controls your mind.
You see,
every few hundred millennia,
lady bits leap forward...
I know
you're only just
getting started,
but this is
already gross.
I once knew such a girl.
<i>BARNEY:
It was last call.
<i>In this very bar.
What...?!
No...
What?!
No...
What?!
Um...
thank you for, um, not using
a first name in that story.
Barney, this is
about the building.
Come on. This is so
about the girl.
Okay, fine.
It's about the girl!
I am doing this for Zoey!
I'm in love with her.
Look, I know it's early,
but there's a very good chance
Zoey might be the mother
of my children.
So, in addition to doing this
for John Clifford Larrabee,
I'm also doing this
for Luke and Leia.
Wait. She's gonna let you
name your kids Luke and Leia?
Not if I knock down her favorite
building, she isn't.
Barney, I'm sorry.
Oh, you're not sorry now,
Ted Mosby.
But you will be.
You... will... be.
(evil laugh)
(laughing harder and louder)
That's how you do an evil laugh.
<i>Ciao for now.
<i>NARRATOR:
Now, kids, you remember Arthur Hobbs,
<i>Barney and Marshall's
old boss at GNB?
<i>Well, Arthur was going through
a divorce and taking it
<i>kind of hard.
Hi, Arthur.
(sighs)
Everything okay?
No, everything's not okay.
My stupid wife got
custody of Tugboat.
God, I should have
kept her hidden
in a cage in the basement.
Isn't that animal cruelty?
I'm talking about my wife.
Oh. That's fine, then.
So listen, you know Ted,
the architect?
Yeah, I know your friend Ted.
So,
if Ted stood up at
that big meeting tomorrow
<i>and said that he thought The
Arcadian should be a landmark...
you wouldn't just fire him,
would you?
(laughs uncomfortably):
Right?
You wouldn't just...
You wouldn't just... yeah...
<i>No, Barney.
I wouldn't just fire him.
I'd also fire you.
Come again for Big Fudge?
Can you believe that?!
I can't be unemployed, Robin!
My job is my identity;
It's who I am.
It gives me
the confidence I need
to convince girls
I'm a fighter pilot.
I-I don't understand.
<i>Why would he fire you?
I don't understand.
Why would you fire me?
Have you already forgotten
how Mosby got that job?
By being
the best architect available?
No.
By... being Latino?
No. Let me refresh your memory.
We were in this very room.
Guys, I'm telling you,
if Ted Mosby isn't fantastic,
fire me.
Damn it!
I was kidding?
I'm not kidding!
Oh, by the way, Arthur,
uh, how are things
with you and your wife?
Really good.
In fact, I just put
all my assets in her name.
Smartest thing I've ever done.
BOTH: Damn it!
No,
you'd better make sure Mosby
doesn't screw up tomorrow.
Because either
that building is going down,
<i>or you're going down.
<i>TED:
They're going
to fire him? That sucks.
He loves that job.
And he's been doing it
for years.
Okay, what does Barney
do at GNB?
No idea.
He has a lot of keys.
Okay, Ted, can you just please
think about this before you...
There's nothing to think about.
I-I can't lose Zoey.
That's the only thing
that matters to me right now.
Okay, Ted...
you know I love Zoey.
But, look, sometimes...
I go play chess in the park.
And the key to chess...
Okay, I play online.
But the key to chess...
Okay, it's Angry Birds!
But the key to Angry Birds
is to always try to see
every possible outcome.
And to... hit some pigs
with rocks or something.
I don't know; I don't play.
I can't get it to download.
The point is,
this thing with you and Zoey?
I can see it going
three possible ways.
There's the first scenario.
<i>ROBIN:
The chairman asks you...
Do you think The Arcadian
should be a landmark?
<i>You say...
No.
And Zoey dumps you on the spot.
We're done here.
There's the second scenario.
<i>ROBIN:
The chairman asks you...
Do you think The Arcadian
should be a landmark?
<i>You say...
Yes
<i>And you're happy
for, like, a second,
<i>until you realize the building
you helped save
<i>has just become a monument
<i>to everything
this woman made you give up,
<i>and you resent her for it,
<i>so much so, in fact,
that you dump her.
We're done here.
You said there was
a third scenario.
Right.
<i>ROBIN:
The chairman asks you...
Do you think The Arcadian
should be a landmark?
<i>But before you can answer...
<i>You're hit in the neck with
a blow dart fired by the ninja
<i>Zoey's ex-husband hired
to assassinate you.
That one's less likely.
What I'm saying...
what I hate saying...
is this.
You and Zoey are gonna break up.
But you can still
save your career
and Barney's.
Okay, first of all,
no ninja's getting a jump on me.
I have the reflexes
of a jungle...
Tree?
Second of all,
I don't care that the odds
are stacked against us.
I'd rather try
to make this work with Zoey
than spend the rest of my life
alone playing Angry Birds,
which, by the way, I've shown
you how to download,
like, 20 times.
I've got to say,
I'm with Ted on this.
Thank you.
I mean, yes,
this is a huge,
divisive issue for them.
Which means
no matter what happens,
there's gonna be
a lot of resentment.
Probably lasting
for years...
infecting every single moment of
the rest of their relationship.
So, in conclusion,
I'm with Robin on this.
Thank you.
<i>NARRATOR:
That night,
<i>as I slept soundly...
(gasps)
(panting)
Barney, what are you doing?
Who is this Barney?
My name is
John Clifford Larrabee,
architect of The Arcadian.
And I am
visiting you
(ghostly moaning):
in a dream...
Really? 'Cause it feels
more like my insane friend
renting a costume
and breaking into my apartment
in the middle of the night
for what I wish
I could say was the first time.
Look, it's a dream, it is.
So just... okay?
Theodore...
heed my words:
do not try to save
The Arcadian.
Barney, there's condoms
in the drawer.
Just take them and get out.
(shouting dramatically):
I am not
(ghostly moaning):
Barney...
Whoa! Lighting change!
Theodore, you know The Arcadian
is a badly built,
architecturally unimportant
rat's nest
designed by an overpaid,
plagiarizing ether addict
with two thumbs.
This guy.
Okay, yes,
it's-it's a terrible building,
but... does that mean
we have to knock it down?
I mean, it's
not bothering anyone.
Just anyone who lives in it.
Or looks at it.
Or smells it.
New York is never finished,
Theodore.
She's a lady
only a handful of architects
ever get to dance with.
Do not miss
your turn.
The Arcadian has to go,
doesn't it?
Indeed.
You realize this kind of
screws up my personal life.
Mo' buildings, mo' problems.
This is a dream, right?
Because, Barney, I swear to God,
if that's you...
(groans softly)
(snaps fingers)
Mommy's got
Magic Lady Bits, Ted.
(panting):
Dream! Dream!
It was just a dream.
(panting)
(groans, gasping)
(exhales)
? ?
Hey. I know it's late,
but, uh...
you want to meet up?
ZOEY:
Hello, Mr. Lion.
TED:
"Look on my works,
ye mighty, and despair""
Hey, I met you right...
(laughs)
...here.
Right. And I mistook you
for a prostitute right...
here.
As far as you know,
I still could be one.
Ah.
And you,
my good man, have
run up quite a tab.
Worth every penny.
(sighs): All right...
this was fun.
I'm gonna take this cab.
Big day tomorrow.
We need to get some sleep.
And yet...
No, we should get some sleep.
But this was fun.
Yeah.
It's nice getting one last look
to remember what
we're trying to save.
Exactly.
You okay?
Yeah. Good night.
<i>HORVATH: Mr. Mosby, I'm going
to ask you one last time.
<i>Should The Arcadian
be a landmark?
No, it shouldn't be a landmark.
(audience gasps)
There are a lot
of important buildings
in New York.
The Arcadian isn't one of them.
E-Excuse me,
I have a question for Mr. Mosby.
If he doesn't think
The Arcadian's worth saving,
then whose voice is this?
TED (on recorder):
The Arcadian should be a landmark.
It should.
The lion head stonework
is iconic.
I hate working for GNB.
They're a bunch of...
wieners and gonads.
(all gasp)
Oh, heavens!
My stars!
Is that your voice, Mr. Mosby?
Yeah, that's me.
This is a nightmare.
I can't believe
she kept that tape.
The LPC's gonna
come back with a decision
tomorrow,
and based on today...
They're gonna landmark
the hell out of that place.
Yeah. We'll end up
out of a job,
all thanks to some stupid,
only sort of awesome lion head.
Better get used
to that lion head.
As of tomorrow, it's gonna be
there till the end of times.
And all because
of my sweet, sweet rhymes.
What are we gonna do?
We should buy a bar.
BARNEY: We should totally buy a bar!
We should absolutely
totally buy a bar!
It's really the only
sensible idea right now.
MARSHALL:
Oh, oh, and ready?
It's a theme bar.
TED:
Mm!
It's a courtroom.
Yes!
Ah!
Where the bartenders
wear sexy judges' robes.
I'll allow it!
<i>The only court where you
show up, then get served.
Ho!
You're judged by a jury
of your beers.
That's not bad.
Just stop it!
No one's buying a bar.
Right now we have
a little problem.
Let's just think
of a solution.
Lily, it's over.
The good guys lost.
I don't know, homegirl
is pretty diabolical.
If there is a plan
that'll get us out of this,
it's somewhere
inside this butter churn.
She'll think of it.
I'm just gonna sit here...
and watch it happen.
And she's got it!
Lily, what's the plan?
(groans)
Oh, this ought to be good.
And then Lily told us her plan.
<i>Oh, this is good!
We have to find
Arthur right now.
(shudders)
What is so difficult
about this?!
Tugboat figured this out
in, like, five minutes.
This is bush league!
BARNEY:
Hey, Arthur!
Oh, cute dog!
No! Tugboat, my other dog,
that was a cute dog.
<i>This little disappointment is
nothing but a cheap facsimile.
I said it!
Yeah, my love is
reserved for dogs
that go to the bathroom
on command
instead of wasting my time!
BARNEY:
Listen, Arthur, Marshall's wife
<i>has an idea for how we can
save not saving The Arcadian.
Oh, his wife has an idea.
Let me tell you
about wives, okay?
They leave you and take
your best friend with them.
You're not Tugboat!
You'll never be Tugboat!
(stammers, pants):
Uh...
Hey, Arthur?
I guess this one's
kind of cute or whatever.
So... so what's the idea?
Okay, first hear
my demands. One,
Ted and Barney
keep their jobs.
Two, when you guys do finally
blow up The Arcadian,
one of them gets
to push the button.
Dibs.
Dibs.
Fine! What's the idea?
<i>Well...
Kids, for legal reasons,
<i>I have to skip
this part of the story
<i>and jump ahead
to the next night,
<i>as the Landmarks
Preservation Commission
<i>gave their verdict.
Last night,
this committee took a vote,
and while we have all felt
from the very beginning that
The Arcadian is,
(chuckles):
well, an eyesore...
Mr. Mosby's surprising testimony
<i>about the lion's head
stonework
<i>left us no choice
but to declare it...
a landmark.
(gavel pounding)
But then, something else
happened last night.
<i>That same lion's head
stonework...
(electric tool whirring)
...disappeared.
(audience gasps)
So...
that makes our job
a little easier.
Motion denied.
(gavel pounds)
(preservationists groan,
GNB people applaud and cheer)
Zoey...
Zoey!
All right, what do you have
to say for yourself?
(sighs)
I don't know.
Sometimes... things
have to fall apart
to make way for better things.
We're done here.

How I Met Your Mother - S06E22 - The Perfect Cocktail

<i>NARRATOR:
Kids, when your Uncle Marshall
finally quit
<i>Goliath National Bank to do
something better with his life,
<i>he left on great terms
with his boss.
Good luck, Marshall. And promise
you'll list me as a reference.
<i>NARRATOR:
Which made Marshall's
big interview
<i>with a respected
environmental organization
<i>all the more confusing.
I'm sorry. I don't think
you're the kind
of person we're looking for.
I just got off the phone
with Arthur Hobbs over at GNB.
Oh, yeah, I worked
with Marshall Eriksen...
at least I did
when he actually showed up.
Marshall! Hey, it's,
uh, it's 2:30.
If it's no big deal,
we'd sure love it
if you'd try to get here
at least before lunch.
Yeah? And I'd sure love
to give a rat's ass.
(slaps bottom)
Oh! Mr. Eriksen...
You're not wearing any pants.
Your move.
But Marshall, wh...
What about the environment?
Screw the environment!
"Screw the environment"?!
Oh, yeah.
We fired him when we caught him
clubbing a seal in his office
with an even cuter seal.
The guy's a maniac.
He's just an awful,
flatulent racist.
Sir, none of that is...
Sorry. Interview over.
<i>NARRATOR:
And so Marshall stormed over
to GNB, where he ran into Zoey.
If you want to get back
at those jerks,
I have a proposition for you.
Invitations for the demolition
of The Arcadian.
As head of the project, I get
to decide how we knock it down.
I'm torn between training
an actual coyote
to use an ACME dynamite plunger,
or hooking up a fuse
to Eddie Van Halen's guitar
that goes off the second
he hits the last note
to "Hot For Teacher."
(mimics high guitar note,
fuse igniting, explosion)
(mimics crowd chanting):
Barney! Barney! Bar...
No, no. I'm going to go coyote.
Wait. While no one
wants to see
a, uh, coyote wearing
a little hard hat
more than me, remember:
Zoey's protest could still
shut your whole project down.
Oh, come on. Zoey's not
shutting anything down,
standing out there
with her stupid megaphone,
screaming in the wind; butt
cheeks trembling with fury;
her perky breasts heaving;
her self-righteous nipples...
Dude, that's my girlfriend.
Point is, we are taking her
and The Arcadian down.
Am I right, Teddy Westside?
You know it.
Ha-ha!
Okay. See, that's
so weird to me.
One second you're
defending Zoey,
and the next, you're talking
about her going down.
Glad to know she's also
mouthy in a good way.
(guffaws) What up?
Dude, that's his girlfriend.
Isn't it tough
dating the woman
that's trying to prevent your
building from being built?
At first, yes,
but we figured out
a great way to deal with it:
we never talk about it.
And since then, we've really been
enjoying each other's company.
So, every time The
Arcadian comes up,
you guys just awkwardly
change the subject?
Yeah, but you'd
be surprised.
It doesn't even
come up that often.
- Hey, guys.
- ALL: Hey!
Meet the new lawyer I hired
to help save The Arcadian.
So Oprah's retiring. Oof!
What's that world
gonna be like?
<font color=#ffff00>? How I Met Your Mother 6x22 ?</font>
<font color=#00ffff>The Perfect Cocktail</font>
Original Air Date on May 2, 2011
== sync, corrected by <font color="#00ff00">jacobian @ HDbits.org</font> ==
Wait, Marshall's helping you
save The Arcadian, now?
Yeah. Having a former
GNB employee
on our side
is huge for us.
GNB is going down.
Yeah, totally.
So, they found water
on Mars. What?
Listen, um,
I hate to go up
against my two
best friends, but...
I really, I really
need this right now.
I mean, we're, we're
cool, right?
Not only do you quit the job
I stuck my neck out to get you,
now you sabotage the
project I'm in charge of?
Is this because
I brushed Lily's boob
with my elbow,
the other day?
That was on purpose!
What now?
I mean this is really like...
Barney, please...
<i>NARRATOR:
And thus began an all-out war
between Barney and Marshall...
Delivery from
Mr. Stinson.
Barney sent us pictures
of himself.
Oh, God. What's he doing
to that megaphone?!
(screams)
(screams)
ZOEY: Oh!
(laughing)
? Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! ?
<i>NARRATOR:
Later, back at the bar...
another war was just beginning.
Babe, can I get you
a drink?
No, I'm still not...
ready to put my mouth
on anything yet.
(sighs)
I know.
You know what?
Screw this.
Game on.
Can you believe this one?
Wants our booth.
Keeps giving us the walk-by.
<i>That bitch is not
giving us the walk-by.
The walk-by with the stink eye.
(falsetto):
A stink-eye-walk-by?!
Aw, hell no!
I hope this drink
isn't teething,
'cause it's about to get nursed.
(clunks heels)
(murmurs)
Barney! Your wife just called
from the hospital!
It's a boy!
No.
I' was... I was...
<i>NARRATOR:
This went on for days.
Congratulations.
You're about to be the 250th
girl that Barney has slept with.
BARNEY:
Pfff. Try 283.
250 was months ago.
No, no, no.
No, I mean,
you're totally 250, baby.
No, don't.
Oh, bye-bye.
Mr. Stinson...
I had to rush down as soon
as I got your results.
I'm sorry,
but your crabs have
super-herpes.
Oh, boy.
Look who's back.
Look, Lily, I think
this girl wants our seats.
Should we leave...
or stay here
Lionel Richie style--
"All Night Long"?
Excuse me waitress,
I'll have a mojito!
And you'll have a no-seat-ho.
Oh...!
(wry laugh)
MARSHALL:
Ah, yes...
the sweet, smoky taste
of victory.
Are you sure it doesn't taste
like anything else?
That's it!
Kent! Kent!
Oh, God! Ow...
Why would you do that
to your own jacket?!
That's what you get,
you traitor!
Oh, really? Really?
Yeah. Really.
Really. That... what...
(bottles smashing)
Okay, enough! You
guys are out of here.
(angry grunt)
Ejected!
I meant all of you.
You're all banned
from the bar. Out!
Carl!
(exasperated sigh)
Oh...
This has nothing to do with us.
You're totally ridiculous.
(gasps)
(contented sigh)
(wry laugh)
Don't look, baby. Just
don't look. Come on.
This stupid feud isn't going to
end until Marshall and Barney
finally talk
about their feelings, cry,
<i>and then hug it out
like they do on Oprah.
Man, what are we going to do
without her?
(sighing):
Oh...
Wait, you know what, these guys are
not going to get all mushy sober.
We need to get
these bitches drunk.
Yes, but the right kind
of drunk.
Uh... we should go
with something mellow.
Maybe red wine?
Oh, I don't know.
Red wine has kind of
an odd effect on Barney.
<i>ROBIN:
He reaches a point
of sad clarity.
CROWD (chanting):
Ten, nine, eight...
I'm a B-plus.
My whole life,
I was hoping to be an A,
and I'm a B-plus.
And I'm okay with that.
CROWD:
Happy New Year!
If we want them
to open up,
I say we go
straight-up gin.
Oh... last time
Marshall got gin-drunk
was at that douchey bar
Barney likes to go to.
Marshall almost got
in a fight that night.
<i>MARSHALL:
Look at this meatball.
<i>He's headed right towards me,
showing me no respect.
<i>Well, if he wants
to play chicken,
<i>this rooster
ain't backing down!
(banging)
<i>Oh. Mirror.
How about martinis?
Absolutely not.
I'm not going anywhere
near you and a martini.
Why not?
Ooh...
You know what
would be stupid?
If we made out.
(giggling):
That would be so stupid.
Hey, I dare you guys
to dare us to make out.
Every time.
I only say that because
it would be so stupid if we did.
So stupid...
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah? Well... what
about you and absinthe?
MARSHALL:
I don't know. We could have
water, soda, purple stuff...
ROBIN:
We're a dream a baby's having.
We're a dream a baby's having.
(giggling)
I keep telling you,
that didn't happen.
It happened,
and it changed me.
How about daiquiris?
Maybe. When Marshall
has daiquiris...
<i>LILY:
he gets really into
how beautiful he is.
Hey. I dare you guys
to dare us to make out.
Hey, Marsh, you know
that's another mirror, right?
Peppermint schnapps?
No. Peppermint schnapps
turns Barney
into Richard Dawson.
<i>Who? The crazy old host
of Family Feud,
who greeted women
by kissing them on the mouth.
(as Richard Dawson):
Hey there, darlin'.
How you doin'?
Ah, is this your sister?
Mmm...
Beautiful.
Mmm...
Hey, where are our
chicken wings?
Show me chicken wings!
(bell dings)
OTHERS:
Good order, Ted! Good order!
Okay, I'm gonna go pick up Zoey,
then we're off.
See you Sunday.
LILY: Oh, wait, Ted.
Do you have a specific reaction
to any kind of alcohol?
Bourbon.
When I drink bourbon...
I get weirdly good
at beatboxing.
(beatboxing)
Peace, I'm out.
(crowd cheering)
Yes!
Yes!
Yeah, Ted, I hate to tell you,
but the bourbon only makes it
sound good to you.
(beatboxing discordantly)
? Ki-ki, ki-ki, ki-ki, ki-ki ?
? Ka-ka, ka-ka, ka-ka, ka-ka ?
? Koo-koo, koo-koo, koo-koo,
koo-koo, poo... poo... ?
(spitty breaths)
Poo!
Peace. I'm out.
You had to take that away
from me, didn't you?
Well, enjoy
Martha's Vineyard.
Hopefully by the time
you get back,
we'll be allowed
back into MacLaren's.
What do you mean?
Barney and Marshall's feud
got us banned from the bar.
We lost our booth.
Stop.
Man, how did things
get so screwed up?
<i>NARRATOR:
Of course I knew
the answer to that.
<i>I was dating her.
<i>But I wasn't about to ruin our
first big romantic weekend away
<i>by bringing up the one topic
<i>we agreed was
completely off-limits.
You and The Arcadian are
ruining my life! What?
I thought we weren't
talking about...
We're talking about this.
Look, I can handle you
trying to prevent me
from fulfilling
a life-long dream.
That's just being
in a relationship.
But now? You turn my
best friend against me?
Marshall made his own choice.
Why aren't you mad at him?
Because he's going through
a lot right now.
He, he's looking for
something to believe in,
and you took advantage of that.
You're, you're just like
those Internet swindlers
who tricked him
into paying 300 bucks
for a lock of Sasquatch fur.
You cannot compare The Arcadian
to a Ziploc bag
full of Turkish armpit hair.
The Arcadian
is a beautiful,
magnificent hotel.
Okay. You know what? We're
settling this once and for all.
Okay.
We've cross-referenced
every alcohol
with Marshall
and Barney's reaction.
What's the right drink
for this situation?
ROBIN:
Well, they're not talking.
They're not even looking
at each other.
That reminds me of those
awkward Sunday dinners
with my mom, my dad
and his mistress.
(laughs)
Families, right?
I-I guess. That...
seems like a whole other thing.
We need a drink that
will start a fight.
Do you know what I had
to do to get you that job?
Do you know what
I had to do
to will myself to
show up every day?
What, wear a wrinkled suit
and not give a damn about
what your hair looked like?
<i>I showed up with wet hair once!
<i>Once!
BARNEY:
Oh, my God.
(door opens)
Well, here we are.
I had a reservation
at a four-star inn
overlooking the ocean
but, uh...
How can that compete with such a
beautiful, magnificent hotel?
Welcome to
The Arcadian.
(animals squeaking, scurrying)
So here's the deal.
If you can last until sunrise
in your precious Arcadian,
I'll join your side.
You're on.
This place is fantastic.
They even left a chocolate
on the pillow.
That's not a chocolate.
(arguing heatedly)
Okay, now we need to
get them something
that will make them
emotionally vulnerable
and completely,
pathetically honest.
Yeah, we need a drink that,
that takes subtext and
turns it into text. Yeah.
See, ever since
the death of my father,
I have been drawn
to the idea of preservation.
That's why The Arcadian
speaks to me.
<i>Ever since my father
walked out on my childhood,
I've had serious
abandonment issues.
You walking out
on me like that...
Oh God, I didn't even
think of that...
It made me wonder, "What could
I have done to make him stay?"
Look, you didn't do anything
wrong. It wasn't you, Barney.
That's what everyone
keeps saying
but people just
keep leaving me.
(sobbing)
Wow. That got real o'clock.
Yeah.
We need to get them up
and having fun.
(Robin laughs)
Dance, my puppets,
dance!
LILY:
Now do you see why
I'm always interfering
in other people's lives?
Oh, God, totally!
Mm.
Please?
Well, we're here for the night.
Might as well have some fun.
Care to join me?
Dust just flew out
of that comforter
in the shape of a skull.
Whoa, something just
passed through me.
Can you get STDs from
the ghost of a prostitute?
(woman in bathroom screams)
(screams)
What are...
What are you doing
in our bathroom?
WOMAN (with thick accent):
This bathroom for entire floor!
(toilet flushes)
Okay. Final round.
What simple act
will get the boys
to finally forgive each other?
Sharing a brandy.
Which is what I walked in
on my parents doing once.
Brandy was my
father's mistress.
God, parents. Right?
Again, just a whole
other thing, sweetie.
Where'd they go?
Oh, no.
They did shots.
(sniffs)
What? What is it?
What's the worst thing they
could possibly drink right now?
Your place or mi...
(hiccups)
Your place
or mi... (hiccups)
Le-Let's go to
your place. Mm.
<i>NARRATOR:
Kids, don't drink tequila.
Uh, these were supposed to
be for a romantic dinner
on our balcony as we
were serenaded
by the sounds of the ocean.
But I guess we'll have to
settle for what sounded like
two very large men
having sex next door...
with a third very small man.
I think that small man
sounded very moved by
The Arcadian's beauty.
Okay. What is it?
And don't give me,
"It's beautiful."
Don't give me,
"It's magnificent."
What is it about this place
that makes you so passionate
to save it?
Well...
When I was a little girl...
my family used to live here.
Why, why have you
never told me that?
I never told anyone that.
It makes it sound like
it would be impossible
for me to be
objective, but...
(sighs)
The truth is, I...
I loved growing up here.
We had just moved to New York.
We were completely broke.
But my mom told
my sisters and me
that The Arcadian was a castle.
And we believed her.
I know it's not
what it used to be...
but this building
is a part of who I am.
And that's why I want so badly
(choking up):
for you to like it, too.
<i>NARRATOR:
Kids, you never forget
the first time-- or place--
<i>you tell a girl:
I love you.
I love you, too.
(toilet flushes)
Come on in, you're un-banned.
I gave these guys
some drinks and they calmed down
and made up.
Well, what drink
finally did the trick?
ROBIN:
Of course,
beer.
Beer.
<i>I love you.
I love you.
(laughing drunkenly)
Uh, no. N-Not right...
You know,
I guess this place isn't so bad.
See? With a little renovation,
we could restore it
to its former...
What was that?
What was what?
I think it went under the bed.
Yeah.
I don't see anything.
(squeaks)
(screams)
That, that was...
that!
Oh, my God!
It's the cock-a-mouse!
The what?
Cock-a-mouse.
Part cockroach,
part mouse.
It used to live
in our apartment.
It must have settled
here, and... Oh!
Look, it had babies!
Good for it.
(baby cock-a-mice squeaking)
Ew....
I give up. You win. Let's go!
Be well, my friends!
Aw, just how we left them.
Morning.
Who wants breakfast?
You have some coffee?
So I can throw it in
this traitor's face?
Oh, yeah? Hey! Hey!
Do you guys have some
pancakes, because I... would
really like some pancakes.
They're fantastic. Let's
be honest, I love them.
But I hate this guy!
I thought they
made up last night.
(sighs)
Damn it, I know what happened.
<i>I love you.
I love you.
Uh, no. N-not right...
Carl,
a round of champagne.
Ooh!
The champagne.
We gave them one drink too many.
They must've blacked out
and forgotten the whole thing.
What kind of dirtbag
doesn't stand by
his best friends,
but instead sides with
some self-righteous bitch
with a pointless cause and a megaphone?
TED: Dude.
That's my girlfriend.
And you know what?
I'm on her side now, too.
Whoa, whoa, you have got
to be kidding me. Ted...
Okay, what drink can fix this?
Mama's done with this drama.
What drink can fix the headache
these clowns are giving me?
I got it.
Right?
LILY:
Time is music the planets make.
Music the planets make...
(both giggling)
What is that?
(gagging)
(gagging)

How I Met Your Mother - S06E21 - Hopeless

Barney, afraid this
is good-bye.
Your buzz kill of a ma
thinks I'm a... a bad
influence on you.
What That's...
What is that word you taught me
Bull something
But she's your
mother and I'm...
you know, I'm just
your Uncle Jerry.
So, this is the last
time I can see you.
But you're supposed to
take me to see
that Zeppelin cover band
next week.
The night is gonna be...
Led-and-Jerry.
Sorry, buddy, but this is it.
But don't you forget
your training.
What's a magician's best friend
A drunk audience.
(laughs)
Attaboy.
You still got that button
from the festival we went to
Now... I'm gonna put this
right inside your brain,
behind your ear...
so that I'll know that
you won't forget me.
See you, buddy.
And hey...
Never... stop... partying.
iNARRATOR Kids, in 1983,
Barney watched his father
iwalk out of his life.
iAnd in 2011, when their
first reunion ended badly...
I'd love nothing more
than to be a part of your life.
iNARRATOR This time it was Barney
who did the walking.
Bye.
iNARRATOR And that was almost
the end of it.
iExcept, a few weeks later...
I am so angry at my dad!
Guess who called me today.
Go on, guess.
Mmm.
- Your dad
- My dad!
Barney Stinson.
Hi, Barney. It's your dad.
Look, would you
like to go fishing
with me and J.J.
on Sunday morning
Ooh, hold on, let me
check my personality.
Oh, no. Turns out I would never
do that in a million years.
Barney, look...
I know you're disappointed
that your dad is just...
a boring old driving instructor
from the suburbs.
But that guy I used to be...
Crazy Jerry
He was bad news!
Drinking, partying,
sleeping around.
The party can't go on forever.
You're 35; I'm-I'm sure
you're starting
to realize that, right
You do not know
how right you are.
Zero right!
- We're not getting too old for anything.
- TED You sure
I feel like we collectively
learn the opposite lesson,
like, at least once a year.
(chuckling)
I have to face an ugly truth.
Jerry Whittaker, my own father,
is anti-awesome-etic.
I know.
Crazy Jerry's still
in there somewhere,
but he's trapped under 20 years
of lawnmower parties
- and carpool barbecues.
- ROBIN Wow,
you know nothing
about the suburbs.
Well, this Saturday night,
I am bustin' him out.
I'm gonna
make Jerry realize he was wrong
about giving up his old life
by showing him
the awesomest night
of all time.
And for the awesomest night
of all time, I'm going to need
the awesomest friends
of all time.
Okay, who do I know
Guys...!
Do any of you know
George Clooney
Okay, my dad's almost here.
I need everything to be
as awesome as possible tonight.
That's why you
brought these guys.
iNo. That's why
I brought these guys.
I've made some
minor improvements
to your identities.
- Uh.
- Mm!
You'll find them
on these cards.
- Improvements!
- BARNEY Yeah.
Bro, we are already the four
jiggity-jamminest dudes
and dudettes this side of...
Okay, let's see the cards.
Robin, no one watches the news
unless it's a car chase
or a nip slip.
You are now
a professional scotch taster.
Mm!
Lily, Jerry needs to learn
that other lifestyles
are just as fulfilling
as monogamy,
so now you and Marshall
are in an open marriage.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Gross!
Also, Marshall,
you can't just be unemployed,
so you are now
a gin-swilling,
womanizing playwright.
And, Ted, just be yourself.
(chuckles)
Just kidding.
Here's a giant pile of topics
you should avoid talking about.
Well. Well, this could
actually be fun.
In fact, I believe it
was Oscar Wilde who said,
Man is least himself
when he talks...
- Ted, card.
- Ah.
You're right...
No quoting Oscar Wilde.
Finally...
Robin, you're dating Ted.
Aw, man!
Why
BARNEY
I can't have
any single female friends
lying around.
My dad'll be all,
Why don't you marry Robin
You guys are cute together.
Deep down, you know
you were never happier
than when you were with her.
Uh...
(chuckles)
no, thanks.
Hey, Barney... love
the new identities.
Little thing... instead of
being a naked super ninja,
ican I be Meryl Streep
in The Devil Wears Prada
- How good was that movie
- Oh, my God.
(others talking at once)
And...
hence new identities.
iNARRATOR And so Barney's
dad finally showed up.
Jerry, you remember Marshall...
he's a well-known writer.
Playwright.
We're all writers,
just some of us don't know
what our story is yet.
Lily, his wife.
Well, most nights.
Mama don't let no ring
get in the way of a good time.
That's... a little depressing.
TED
Uh, hi again.
Ted. Oh, and, Jerry,
- you remember my girlfriend.
- Robin. Hi.
So nice to see you again.
Wait, wait. Jerry,
I got to tell you the truth.
Guys, I'm gonna tell him.
We're also a band.
iROBIN
Two, three, four!
 Ba, ba, ba, ba
 Ba, ba, ba
 Ba, ba, ba, da,
da, da, da, da, da!
Ow! Yeah!
So, Saturday night...
time to cut loose, right
Who wants to split a beer
BARNEY
Oh, we're not drinking here.
Tonight we're going big.
Let's see, what club
should we hit first
There's Club Was,
there's Wrong...
Um, those places shut down
a long time ago.
Oh, no.
Oh, No shut down, too.
- There's Where
- Where's Where
Where's where Was
was, isn't it
No, Was wasn't where Where was,
Was was where Wrong was, right
Okay. Not Okay.
That place is lame.
Okay is Lame
I thought Lame was a gay bar.
Or is that Wrong
That's wrong.
That's not Wrong.
Guys, focus.
Oh, I like Focus.
Let's go there.
Where
Not Where. Focus.
I thought Focus was closed.
No, Was was Closed.
Once Was shut down,
it reopened as Closed.
So Closed is open.
No, Closed is closed.
I don't know.
Third base! Right
Ew, Third Base
is all frat guys.
I'll go anyplace, okay
Not Okay. Okay is lame.
Okay is not Lame.
Lame is a gay bar.
Guys, shut up.
No, Shut up shut down.
I can't believe I don't know
the clubs anymore.
Guys, just pick a club, okay
Not Okay!
OTHERS
Okay is Lame!
Gay bar.
For the record, I was
in there once by accident.
I'm pretty sure it's
pronounced Lamé.
It's hopeless, isn't it
i(dance music playing)
MARSHALL Wow.
A lot of these girls
are young enough
- to be our daughters.
- I know.
Daddy's home.
And Granddaddy's home!
Tonight rocks so hard!
I might be allergic
to this stamp.
Oh, my God,
my secret crush is here.
Mila Kunis!
iNo, my secret crush.
We met a few years ago.
Hi. I could use
a woman's opinion.
Is this working for me
Uh... no.
(laughs)
The only good thing
about how ugly that shirt is,
is that it distracts
from how terribly it fits you.
I was trying on the pants.
Oh. (Laughs)
I had to leave before we could
finish talking, so that was it.
You know, ever
since then, I've always...
Oh, my God,
he's coming over here.
Oh. Hello.
- Hi. A few years ago at
a department store... - Hi.
...did you embarrass
the hell out of me
Oh, I'm sorry,
you must have me confused
with the shirt
you were wearing that day.
I should be so lucky.
Hi! I'm Ted!
Robin's boyfriend!
Nice to meet you.
Right.
Um... it was really nice
to see you again.
- Mm-hmm. You, too.
- Yeah.
(pats Robin twice)
(whispers)
You owe me one.
Man, isn't this place great
Uh, I don't know.
It's so loud!
And so bourgeois.
Many of plays are
about the bourgeois.
And ennui.
And one rock opera about...
a frozen yogurt shop.
Uh, L-Lily, uh, talk
about your open marriage.
Okay. Well, after a long day
of style meetings
and photo shoots
and being way too mean
to my assistant,
I sometimes bang
an underwear model.
My goodness!
I sleep around, too.
Just as much.
A little more, even.
Oh, uh, only 'cause you
have nothing to do all day.
Are we having this fight again
Writing plays is a real job!
I work 90 hours a week
subsidizing your real job.
I won a Tony!
I brought French cooking
to America!
What
- Let's do shots.
- Uh, no, thank you, Barney.
I have that fishing
trip with J.J. early tomorrow.
- I... I better take it easy.
- No.
Don't you remember what you said
to me when I was a kid
Never stop partying.
iI said that
To a six-year-old
I don't remember that.
You don't remember
the last thing
you said to me when I was a kid
Well...
you know, why don't you
just go back home
But I want to hang out with you.
Yeah, well, I want to hang out
with Crazy Jerry,
not Stay-at-Home Jerome.
Fine.
You want Crazy Jerry
There! You got him!
I apologize... it might take
a few minutes to kick in.
Oh...
Oh...
(others talking at once)
Hey, sugar!
Five beers for the table,
a Seven-and-Seven for me,
and your ten digits
for this guy here!
Tonight Crazy Jerry's
gonna burn this disco down!
JERRY
Whoo! Wa-hah!
Can you believe it
- This is awesome!
- Barney,
ihow is that awesome

I finally know what it's like
to be embarrassed by my dad.
So you really believe
that if we were in
an open marriage
- that you would do better than me
- Hey,
you do better than me
at a lot of other things,
like digesting dairy...
and reaching for stuff.
Okay, you know what
Game on.
If I can score five
numbers before you can,
then we have sex
in the bathroom.
But...
if you can score
five numbers before me,
then we have sex
in the bathroom.
So our usual wager.
Deal.
Hey, uh, hey, Jerry,
y... you really want to be
out here like this
Oh, sorry, small-town preacher
from the Midwest,
is there a law against dancing
No, of course not.
I... I just...
Oh, this club blows.
Let's hit the greatest
party in the world,
the streets of New York!
- Yeah! Let's do it!
- Yeah!
Uh, maybe fix the tie.
But mostly, party!
Okay, Jerry's gone;
Let's break up.
Okay. I would have stolen
you a whole orchestra.
There. What's the rush
Well, that guy who came over here
who thinks we're dating,
I kind of have a crush on him.
Can you help me clear it up
Really That guy
He was, like, a four.
A four God, you are, like,
the worst judge of guys ever.
Okay, if he is a
four, what are you
Hey!
I'm not perfect;
I'm an eight...
and a half.
You're a doofus and a half.
Fine. Let's go talk to him.
Where'd you meet
this booger-eater anyway
At a close-out sale at Dawes.
Really
I remember that sale.
TED
Hey, Robin.
Oh, Ted. Oh, no.
Look what I just bought.
Right Right
Hold on.
We were dating then.
I specifically remember,
because we had great
sex that night.
Great sex.
Let me guess.
Someone wants to knock...
boots.
(imitating gunshots)
Boots.
- Just take off your damn shirt.
- Okay.
All right.
All right. Whoa,
- stop.
- What
Stop. Perfect.
But I... I can't see,
and you can't see me.
Yeah. Yeah, just like that.
- You were picturing your crush!
- Well,
isomebody had to.
Okay, okay, answer me this.
Are you absolutely sure
it had nothing whatsoever...
to do with the boots
Yes.
You hear that, everybody
She said yes!
We're getting married!
(Ted chuckles)
I love this girl.
I'm never letting her go.
(loud smooch)
(chuckling)
Hey... Bottoms up, amigo!
iNARRATOR
After that,
iBarney's memory of the night
got a little hazy.
You want to fight me
Well, I'll fight you, dummy!
You don't even know!
(laughing)
Hey, hey! There we go!
(grunting)
(yelling)
Oh, look what I just ripped
out of the ground!
Oh...!
(laughing)
I just puked on the
hood of that...
(siren blares)
...police car! (Laughing)
(both laughing)
Too bad your playwright friend
isn't a lawyer.
Barney, I'm so sorry.
I'm afraid this
is what it's like
hanging out with Crazy Jerry.
It's okay, Dad.
I never thought tonight
would be so awesome!
So...
next stop, strip club.
The Lusty Leopard
has a special...
Oh, for corn's sake,
Barney, I'm not drunk!
- What
- I told you,
I don't party anymore,
and you wouldn't take
no for an answer.
So...
iI used a little...
sleight-of-hand...
to make you think otherwise.
Here you go.
(laughs) Whoa!
Bottoms up, amigo!
(chuckles)
Mm.
But all those
crazy things you did.
Do you happen to remember
what a magician's best friend is
A drunk audience.
You want to fight me
Well, I'll fight you, dummy!
No, no, no.
You don't even know!
Right here!
Look.
Look what I just
ripped out of the ground!
Oh...!
(cackles)
(Barney groaning)
What just happened
I... I just puked
on the hood of that...
(siren blares)
(chuckles)
police car.
(chuckling)
Well, why do all those things
I figured if
I showed you what...
never stop partying
really looked like,
you'd realize
you can't do it forever.
(sighs heavily)
Oh, well.
You lied to me all night
for your own selfish reasons
Daddy...!
I wanted to hang out
with you... you're my son.
And since you didn't want
to come with me and J.J.
On that fishing tri...
Fishing trip.
I'll never make it
back in time now.
Hey, you know, a... a pretty
good magician like you
probably knows how to, say,
get out of a standard
set of handcuffs.
Perhaps.
Well, here's something
you didn't know...
I'm a pretty good
magician, too.
(both giggling)
Abracadabra!
(both laughing)
Congratulations!
Oh, hey!
Thank you so much.
We're super excited.
We're thinking June.
(laughs)
Yeah, okay.
Okay, jerk...
do you remember how you ended up
buying those red cowboy boots
(chuckling)
Wow.
Wardrobe malfunction
at the O.K. Corral!
I mean, who in their
right mind would ever...
You would look
so totally hot in those.
Do you have these in a size 11
So get off the field
at the Superdome,
because you ain't no saint.
Hello.
- I, uh...
- Oh.
Hi, Robin.
Could I have your phone number
- We need someplace to hide.
- Where
No, Jerry, this is not the time
to go to another club!
We've got to get you back
home in time for that trip.
But there's no more trains,
there's no cabs.
Well, uh...
I do have a few driving
students in the city.
- Step on it! Jerry...
- Do not step on it.
Jerry, we have got
to get you home
in time for that fishing trip.
The laws are there
to protect...
- This is no time for laws!
- Buckle up, Barney.
- I am not going to buckle up!
- I am your father! You will listen to me!
Hey! How's the
open marriage going
Who was the first one
to get the five numbers
I won that race.
My prize...
sex in the bathroom.
iAnd I won that race.
Aw, sorry that secret crush
didn't work out for you.
Oh, it's okay. I guess
it just wasn't meant to be.
Why are you smiling
I don't know.
Good night.
Saw that girl again.
And guess what
She's engaged.
So that's the end of that.
iNARRATOR It wasn't the end of that.
 More on that later.
And her fiancé
The guy's like a two.
How did you do it
Do what
How did you become this
I mean, I love my life, but...
iI'm not sure I like
loving it.
- Sure, strip clubs...
- You're drifting.
Hey, I'm trying to
open up to you...
No, Mrs. Perkins,
you're drifting!
Go on, Barney.
When I think about going for
anything more than that,
I look at my life,
and who I am, and...
I'm too far gone.
I'm broken.
Son, I was far more broken
than you'll ever be.
And look at me now.
Don't get me wrong...
settling down is... a challenge.
It's the biggest
challenge of your life.
So how do you do it
A magician never reveals
his greatest trick.
But I'll give you a hint.
You gotta meet the right girl.
Who knows
Maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.
Maybe I've met her already.
And park.
And emergency brake.
I did have a good time tonight.
And hey, if you want to
go fishing,
we got room in the boat.
Maybe some other time.
Okay.
Oh, and, uh...
thanks for taking such
good care of this.
It means a lot to me that you
kept it safe all these years.
I'm going fishing with my dad.
(inhales deeply, exhales)
(inhales deeply, exhales)
This...
sucks.

How I Met Your Mother - S06E20 - The Exploding Meatball Sub

<i>Kids, as you know, I was designing
Goliath National Bank's new headquarters
<i>on the site of this old hotel,
The Arcadian.
<i>Problem was, some people didn't want
The Arcadian torn down.
<i>Even bigger problem,
they were led by my girlfriend Zoey.
Hang on, hang on, hang on!
Hey, sweetie!
Are we still on for dinner
at 8:00 at Valenzisi's?
That's great!
I can't wait!
<i>That's great.
I can't wait!
<i>But somehow,
Zoey and I were making it work.
Ted, why are you dating
our arch-enemy?
Wile E. Coyote wasn't trying
to sleep with the Roadrunner.
Or maybe he was.
Think about it.
The way that she bats her eyelashes
and shakes her tail feathers
in his face?
She wants it.
Isn't it hard for you guys
to be on opposite sides of{\* something like} this?
Of course you feel that way.
You and Marshall have basically melded
into one big hermaphroditic blob.
And that's fine for you guys.
But some of us want a partner
who challenges us to grow and evolve.
You guys are in screaming
matches all the time.
Growing matches.
<i>It was true, Zoey and I loved
to challenge each other.
The main character
is a young spoiled prince
thrust into leadership
after the death of his father.
<i>It's obviously a modern-day
retelling of Henry IV!
Are you kidding me?
<i>It's Don Quixote,
the classic quest story
with the hero-jester
and his long-suffering manservant!
<i>Clearly, when we're watching Tommy Boy,
we're watching two different movies.
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up!
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
No, you...
Hold on.
For the love of God, will one
of you idiots hang up the phone?
Why would you do that?
I thought you'd like it.
Who likes that?
I like it.
Your relationship sounds exhausting.
Maybe yours is a bit lazy.
Marshall and I have been together
15 years,
<i>and the only debate
we've had about Tommy Boy
is whether it's awesome
or super awesome.
That's love, bitch.
<i>Team Who's this fucking mother ?
Synchronisation :
Kyros, MiniBen314, Strex
Adaptation :
H3AV3N, Kenji, Luoleilina, tactactac
Relecture :
Titou
6x20 - The Exploding Meatball Sub (1.00)
.:: www.sous-titres.eu ::.
<i>Now around this time,
Marshall had truly come to hate his job.
<i>He hated the paperwork.
<i>{\pos(192,210)}He hated the coffee.
<i>He hated the dirty jokes.
<i>He hated everything.
{\pos(192,230)}- I have to quit.
- Quit GNB? Why?
{\pos(192,230)}I need to do better things
with my life, okay?
{\pos(192,230)}There's an opening
for an environmental lawyer
{\pos(192,230)}at the National Resources
Defense Council.
Sure, it pays less,
{\pos(192,230)}but I'd be saving the oceans,
saving endangered species...
{\pos(192,190)}Saving chicken bones
and an old boot to make hobo soup?
{\pos(192,210)}You can't pay your mortgage
with Hacky Sacks and good vibes.
You have my full support.
{\pos(192,210)}Then,{\* you're not going to be able to pay for} forgot that trip to Spain
that you've been planning.
{\pos(192,210)}Say good-bye
to riding around in gondolas,
{\pos(192,210)}and eating bratwurst
and seeing the pyramids.
{\pos(192,210)}I don't think you know what Spain is.
{\pos(192,210)}I know that a trip there
costs some serious lira.
- It's dinero.
- Where? I want his autograph!
<i>So Marshall walked in the next morning
all ready to quit.
<i>But then something weird happened.
<i>Suddenly, he didn't hate
the paperwork.
<i>He didn't hate the coffee.
<i>He didn't even hate the dirty jokes.
<i>Out of nowhere,
Marshall actually liked GNB.
- It's graduation goggles.
- What?
Graduation goggles,
like with high school.
{\pos(192,210)}It's four years of bullies
making fun of all the kids with braces,
{\pos(192,210)}even after the braces come off
and they can walk just fine.
{\pos(192,210)}But on graduation day,
you suddenly get all misty
{\pos(192,210)}'cause you realize you're never going
to see those jerks again.
I just had graduation goggles
with that guy Scooby I dated.
The guy who was basically a dog?
{\pos(192,210)}He was the worst kisser
I've ever been with.
But the moment
I decided to dump him...
I suddenly got kind of wistful.
He was a good boy.
I've been there, too.
Every time I'm done having sex
with a woman,
at first,
I never want to see her again.
But then...
No, that's pretty much it.
{\pos(192,210)}The point is, you can't trust
graduation goggles.
{\pos(192,210)}They're just as misleading
as beer goggles, bridesmaid goggles,
{\pos(192,210)}and that's-just-a-bulky,
outdated-cell-phone
{\pos(192,210)}in-his-front-pocket goggles.
That one was a bummer.
{\pos(192,210)}You're right.
{\pos(192,210)}Tomorrow, I'm quitting GNB.
You can't quit tomorrow!
{\pos(192,210)}The lady with the big nipples is coming{\*back}
to give a{\*nother} sexual harassment seminar,
{\pos(192,210)}and I bribed one of the maintenance guys
to keep the room at a brisk 55 degrees!
More than ever,
you have my full support.
You know, sometimes I feel
bad for Lily and Marshall.
I'm starting to feel bad
for Ted and Zoey.
It starts with an... "L?"
How can you not remember my name?
It's like they never
challenge each other.
They just automatically
agree all the time.
- They don't do that all the time.
- Yes, they do.
- No, they don't.
- Yes, they do.
It's like they
don't see eye-to-eye on anything!
Totally.
It rhymes with your name.
And I said my name was...?
I did it! I quit.
And then I walked right over to
the NRDC, and I took that job.
Good for you, sweetie.
It's a little less money
than I was expecting.
{\*I mean, c}Compared to what I was
making at GNB, it's nothing.
Actually compared to anything,
it's nothing. It's nothing.
The paid position just got filled,
so all I can do is volunteer right now.
You're cool with that, right?
Baby, if this is what you need
to do, we'll figure it out.
How's Barney handling you leaving?
There's a bunch of models
in the lobby,
and the gossip is
one of them is really a dude.
You wanna play
"Who's Hot and Who's Scott?"
It's always the one
in the turtleneck, Ted.
And no, I don't want to play.
Stupid Marshall ruined everything.
Come on.
Everything's not ruined.
- Guys, everything's ruined.
- What? Why?
Your girlfriend{\* somehow} got
the Landmark Preservation Committee
to agree to a hearing.
If they declare the Arcadian a landmark,
the whole project is dead.
{\*The good news is, I just }Good news, I got the phone number of
a husky-voiced hottie in a turtleneck.
{\pub}So, if the Landmarks Preservation
Committee sides with Zoey,
your whole project
goes down the tubes?
You must be furious.
I'm furiously enjoying
being challenged.
Why don't you admit that your girlfriend
challenging your every move
is getting you
a little murder-suicidey?
{\*Why don't you admit}And you that Marshall quitting his job
and taking an unpaid internship
- is killing you?
- It's not.{\*CP caché}
The downside to having giant, Japanese
anime eyes is{\* that} they're easy to read.
And yours are screaming,
"What about my trip to Spain,
deadbeat?"
The downside
to having a woman's mouth
is your feminine pout
gives away your true feelings.
And yours is saying,
"Oh, Zoey, why can't I be
on top just this once?"
We take turns!
Sometimes.
I just had the best first day
at the NRDC.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
Something Hershel said at work today.
Hershel?
Don't you guys know Hershel?
Didn't I tell you?
He's the new lawyer
who replaced Marshall at GNB.
He is so awesome and funny
and tall... taller than Marshall...
and he knows way more laws.
I'm glad you like your new co-worker.
There's no Hershel!
I was{\* just} saying that to make you jealous!
Why do you insist
we play these games?{\CP caché}
- Just come back to GNB already!
- I'm really loving my new job.
And I'm loving seeing you this happy.
I'm so glad to hear you say that
because I volunteered our apartment
for a big NRDC fund-raiser tomorrow{\* night}.
You're cool with that, right?
- Baby, you have my full support.
- Thanks, baby.
I gotta go.
The invitations are ready.
The party's for{\* a bunch of} environmentalists,
so I found a guy downtown
who makes biodegradable
party invitations
that can also be used
as toilet paper.
That's how I'm gonna use mine.
Why in the world do you care so much
whether Marshall works at GNB?
Care? I don't care.
I'm like, whatever. Marshall who?
He's stupid.
Hershel's way better.
Is it possible that with everything
that's gone on with your dad lately,
you might have some
unresolved abandonment issues
you're transferring onto Marshall?
You are worse than my shrink.
"Barney,
we have to talk about your father."
"{\*Barney,}I'm not gonna teach you{\* how} to hypnotize
people. You'll only use it for evil."
"{\*Barney, }I am not gonna conduct
a couples session
"between you and this woman.
She's obviously a prostitute."
I don't need this!
Half of the world's
most perfect couple!
I was thinking about {\*that woman's mouth}your comment
and I have three good comebacks.
One, your mom didn't seem
to mind it last night...
I need a favor. Would you mind
driving out to Kennedy with me
to pick up this famous ecologist
for Marshall's fund-raiser?
Apparently, he only speaks Spanish.
And you speak Spanish, right?
Perfect. Let's go.
Marshall, it's me.
Listen, I know I've been
kind of a jerk about your leaving GNB.
I just wanted
to call and say I'm sorry.
No apologies necessary.
We're good.
Good.
Any chance you might...
Maybe, I don't know... if you're
not busy, wanna have lunch today?
Buddy, I'd love to, but I can't.
That's cool.
No biggie.
Another time.
- How long have you been there?
- You don't remember?
I was in the neighborhood.
I just wanted to check in on you.
You seemed
really upset the other day.
No, I'm fine.
Well, you wanna go grab some lunch?
Sure.
You okay if I invite Marshall
to join us?
Right.
So...
Chinese?
{\*You know, j}Just because {\*Zoey and I}we are a different
kind of couple than you{\* and Marshall}
doesn't make us a worse couple.
You're right.
If you and Zoey are happy,
then who am I to judge?
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God,
is that how support feels?
It's so warm and wonderful.
I've been so unhappy.
But I thought
you liked being challenged.
Nobody likes being challenged!
Couldn't she agree with me just once,
even on something little,
like what movie to see
or what topping to get on our pizza
or... I don't know, my lifelong dream of
building a skyscraper in New York City?!
In her defense, hamburger pizza, Ted?
What are you, 12?
You were right, Lily.
I mean, Zoey's great, but,
sometimes I do wish we were
a little more like you and Marshall.
There he is. Here we go.
I'm sorry.
I don't speak
whatever it is you're speaking.
- He speaks perfect English.
- Yeah, I know.
Why did you ask me to come?
So you can drive him
to the fund-raiser.
Supporting Marshall this much
is driving me crazy.
I'm going to Spain.
My flight leaves in 45 minutes.
<i>Adios, muchacho.
{\pub}Wait, what do you mean
you're going to Spain?
You were right.
If I hear myself say
"Baby, you have my full support"
one more time,
I swear I'm gonna murder someone!
What are you gonna tell Marshall, huh?
And when are you coming back?
I honestly haven't thought it all
the way through, and I don't intend to.
All I know is that
I'm a ticking time bomb,
and if I don't do something for me,
right away, I swear I'm gonna explode!
That's an evocative metaphor to use
for your nonthreatening,
totally patriotic emotions.
USA!
Okay, Lily, I get it.
Marshall's been asking a lot lately.
But the thing to do
is tell him you've had enough.
I've never been good at that.
And now, ever since his dad died,
I feel like it's my job to just
be fine with everything. But I'm not.
I'm not fine that he volunteers
our apartment for a giant fund-raiser
and that he's not thinking about
how we're gonna pay any of our bills
and that, apparently, we've
given up on trying to have kids.
I'm sorry, Ted, I just,
I gotta do this.
My bag?
No. I got it.
- There's nothing to talk about.
- You trashed your office today.
You obviously have some deep feelings
you're not confronting.
And I think they're about your dad.
- I don't wanna talk about it, okay?
- Why not?{\CP caché}
Because I don't.
And why am I explaining this to you?
You're the most secretive {\*person}one I know.
You never tell anybody anything.
I've never...
told anyone this before.
I was 16.
I was awakened around midnight
by the sound of my father
arguing with his business partner,
Andy Grenier.
As things grew heated...
I watched my father's hand
slowly coil around the heavy
antique clock on his desk.
The sun was just starting to rise
over the bramble orchard
as we packed the fresh earth down
with the flats of our shovels.
My dad and I
got our stories straight.
We walked back to the house
in silence and...
haven't talked about it since.
But sometimes...
on a still night...
you can still hear that clock,
ticking...
ticking...
ticking.
That's...
the most harrowing story
I've ever heard.
Is it true?
But it did get you
to drink three scotches,
which is why
you're ready to spill your guts.
Fine!
The reason I'm upset
about Marshall leaving GNB
is...
is...
The meatball sub.
It all started months ago
in the GNB commissary.
It was Meatball Sub Day.
<i>How I used to love Meatball Sub Day.
<i>And then, the most
humiliating moment of my life.
Buddy, I think you got a tiny little
bit of marinara sauce on your tie there.
<i>I plotted my revenge for weeks.
<i>But nothing seemed right.
<i>Then it hit me.
<i>The answer was
so elegant and simple...
<i>an exploding meatball sub.
<i>For months, I experimented.
More... marinara sauce.
<i>Finally, the sub was perfected.
<i>The plan was in place.
The snare was baited.
<i>And then...
he quit, Robin, he quit!
It's Meatball Sub Day
today, which is why
I wanted Marshall to come over
and have lunch. But no.
All that work wasted.
You want to make God laugh,
tell him your plans, right?
What is wrong with you?
- Thank you so much for coming.
- My pleasure.
I have to use the restroom.
Do you have some extra invitations?
Right over there.
Enjoy.
- Thanks for picking him up.
- Absolutely. Listen,
something happened at the airport...
- What?
- Well,
we got there, and Lily...
Sorry, I...
I had to park
and grab some ice. Sorry.
Thanks, babe.
You would not believe
how much this one has done
to help throw this party{\*, Ted}.
I don't know how she does it.
Can't be easy, huh, Lil?
Yeah. Listen, Marshall, I need
to talk to you about something.
No, you know what?
Me, too.
I wanna thank you for being
so supportive of me in all this.
I've been at the NRDC
for less than a week,
and I've already done more to be
proud of than in two years at GNB.
I can't believe how good it feels.
But now, it's time for me
to find a way to help the Earth
and get paid for it, because
I can't put that burden entirely on you.
So, starting tomorrow,
I'll look for something with a paycheck.
What do you think?
Baby, you have my full support.
What are you doing here?
{\*This is really important to Marshall, so }I came to show my support
to Marshall.
This you can be supportive of?!
What is that supposed to mean?
I have the chance to build a skyscraper
in the best city on Earth,
and who's the one leading the charge
to kill that dream? My girlfriend!
What about my lifelong
dream of not seeing
every beautiful building
in Manhattan bulldozed?
<i>And in that moment, I realized,
though I really cared about Zoey,
<i>I couldn't do this
for the next 50 years.
<i>I had to break up with her.
<i>But then...
<i>Kids, some couples
always support each other,
<i>and some couples
always challenge each other,
<i>but is one really
better than the other?
<i>Yes.
Support is better.
<i>Way better.
<i>But I'd have
to learn that the hard way.
{\pos(192,210)}You're too young.
This isn't fair.
{\pos(192,210)}We're not going anywhere, buddy. We're
gonna stay here right till the end.
Thank you, Marshall.
Can I ask one final favor, my friend?
Yes, of course, of course, anything.
Eat this meatball sub.
- Where'd you get a meatball...
- I don't have much time!
Yes, of course.
Of course.
Does this have some sort
of special meaning?
I'm not sick, you idiots!
I've racked up $30,000
of uninsured medical bills
for symptoms I don't even have.
Totally worth it!
You should see the look on your face.
Wait, you can't... 'cause
it's covered in marinara sauce!
Barney, you got a little
marinara on your pajamas.

How I Met Your Mother - S06E19 - Legendaddy

Kids, I bought the
house we live in now way back
before I ever met your mother.
<i>It needed a lot of work
 but I had a vision for it.
Vintage rolltop desk here.
I haven't decided
whether to put the fern
on the right or the left side,
but you know, sometimes
you just gotta wing it. Right?
Left side.
Oh, and right outside,
I want to put up a
basketball hoop for the kids.
Huh?
Ted.
This is your seduction lounge.
Sex swing there,
vibrating Jell-O pit
right there,
rotating Vietnamese Shame Wheel
right here.
Don't ask; you're not ready.
And that basketball hoop?
Outdoor stripper pole.
We'll just tell the ladies
to be careful in the winter.
<i>You think a tongue stuck
to a frozen pole is bad...
Hey. Barney, let's go
outside for a second.
We have a confession.
This wasn't really about
seeing Ted's house.
It's an intervention.
Oh, thank God.
I'll go first.
Ted, this house you bought
for your hypothetical family
is super weird.
We talk about it all the time
behind your back.
Yeah. This intervention
isn't for me.
It's for you.
<i>Why did Barney need
an intervention?
<i>It all started
a few nights earlier.
Barney, I can't believe
your giant TV is broken.
It's March Madness.
Okay, uh, I think I see
what the problem is.
Barney, can you grab me
a screwdriver?
Sure thing.
Luis. Barney Stinson, 12 H.
I got a hundred bucks if you can
be here in five. Thanks.
You call the super
for a screwdriver?
Yeah... here's the thing
about me and tools--
the only one I know how to use
is attached to me,
and I am not going to try
putting it in the TV.
Again.
Okay, that's ridiculous.
Everyone should know
how to use tools.
Well, here's our
screwdriver now.
Guys, I'm
pretty sure that's not Luis,
but I can't be certain.
Someone introduce yourself.
Barney, I...
I got your letter.
Dad?
<font color=#ffff00>? How I Met Your Mother 6x19 ?</font>
<font color=#00ffff>Legendaddy</font>
Original Air Date on March 21, 2011
-- sync, corrected by <font color="#00ff00">elderman</font> --
I can't believe Barney is
talking to his dad right now.
Yeah, what do you say
after three decades
of not seeing each other?
"So, how 'bout those
last 30 Super Bowls"?
Okay, now I feel bad
about making fun of him
for the tool thing.
My dad was the one
who taught me all that stuff.
Well, to be fair, everyone has
some glaring gap in knowledge,
something really obvious
you somehow never learned.
Okay, but a screwdriver?
Come on, I don't have any gaps
that fundamental.
Really? I seem to recall...
Daniel Burnham was an architect
whose ever-shifting style
and aesthetic
made him a true architectural
chamma-leeon.
And only the most
gifted chamma-leeon
could've designed
classic beaux arts masterpieces
right alongside
sleek modern flatirons.
His name might as well have been
Daniel Chamma-leeon.
Um, Professor?
Uh, do you mean
"chameleon"?
Betty, I'm pretty sure it's
pronounced "chamma-leeon," so...
Class dismissed.
No homework. For a while.
Okay, I learned that word
by reading it.
That's how I've always
pronounced it.
Oh, Ted, that wasn't easy.
It took a lot of "ch-aracter"
to admit that.
Okay, Scherbatsky.
You want to tussle?
I'll tussle.
You want to tussle?
Let's tussle.
Marine biologist.
Please, no.
So this really
sucks, but
I'm going to be in the North
Pole for the next three months.
Seriously?
The North Pole?
Okay, pal, if you want
to break up with me,
just tell it to me straight.
Don't pretend you're going
someplace we all know
doesn't exist.
Um, I'm going to be studying
the mating habits of...
Of who? Santa's elves?
Rudolph?
You know what? I'm going
on a trip, too, Scott.
It, uh, starts in Narnia.
It works its way up
to Candyland,
and then, hey,
congratulate me,
because I'm the new Defense
Against the Dark Arts teacher
at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus!
Robin, the North Pole
is a real place.
You know that, right?
So... you want
to get pizza later? Or...
I think we should break up.
I still think about him
in the shower.
Hey. Tell us everything.
How'd it go, bud?
Where do I begin?
So, I'm not sure how to start this.
Yeah.
I think I need a drink.
Me, too.
Glen McKenna, neat.
Nice order. Up top.
Look, it's been 30 years.
And now you just
show up out of nowhere?
This is... this is going
to take me a minute.
Yeah. I understand.
By the way, hell of a tie.
Is that Italian silk?
I love you, Daddy. I'm so glad
we're best friends now.
Make a muscle.
There you go.
Ah!
Guys, my dad's awesome.
He's the mother of all fathers.
Check this out.
Hey, back when I was a kid,
you used to be a roadie.
Do you still do that?
Not anymore.
Back in '83 I'm lugging amps for
The Stones through West Germany,
and their tour manager
loses his arms,
bus-surfing through a tunnel.
Gnarly.
Long story short,
I've been managing tours
ever since,
and that dude high-fives people
with his face now.
You're funny.
My dad's funny.
So, all these years,
there's this one question
I've been dying to ask him.
Why did you abandon me?
Why'd you wait so long to contact me?
You've hurt me before,
why should I trust you now?
Do you...
get laid a lot?
Big-time.
Observe.
Oh, my God,
that took you five seconds.
Oh, was it that long?
Life's too short
for chatty chicks.
You're a master.
You are legen-- wait for it--
...daddy!
Legendaddy!
The man is a god.
And he's still out there,
living the dream.
So I'm going to Sydney tomorrow
with Bon Jovi.
I'll be on the road
the rest of the year.
Oh, that's cool.
Say, you want to join me
for the tour's Asian leg?
This is going to be
the second-most fun
I've ever had on an Asian leg.
Barney, we-we know
you're psyched,
but just...
be careful.
What do you mean?
Well, this guy has flaked
out on your whole life.
It sounds like
he just might be
telling you what
you want to hear.
Barney, we just don't
want to see you get hurt.
First of all, Robin,
my dad could beat up your dad.
Second,
you don't have to worry.
He's cool.
Now if you'll excuse me...
I have to go renew my passport,
and get a travel-sized rotating
Vietnamese Shame Wheel.
Don't ask; you're not ready.
I hope Barney's dad
isn't just
pretending to be something
he's not, you know?
Yeah. That would make Jerry
a real chamma-leeon.
You have gaps, too, Lily.
You got nothing on me.
Hey, Lily, can you
toss me a beer?
Sure, honey.
You have terrible aim.
That's not true.
Lily, at our apartment,
you're the one who
pees on the floor.
Oh, my God. Barney's dad.
Hey, uh, you're
Barney's friends, right?
Yeah, but... aren't you
supposed to be off
managing some tour
in Australia?
What?
No, I-I'm a driving instructor
up in White Plains.
And I need your help--
Barney won't return my calls.
What do you mean, Barney
won't return your calls?
He said you two had
an amazing night together.
That's not what happened.
I'm not sure how
to start this.
Yeah.
I think I need a drink.
Me, too.
Glen McKenna, neat.
Milk, skim.
Milk?
Oh, you're taking it easy.
Crazy night?
I'll say.
Between you and me,
I had a lot of acid last night.
Wow.
I think it was the chili dog.
I had to take four Tums.
I was up till, like, 9:30.
Hey, um...
When I was a kid,
you used to be a roadie.
You still do that?
No. I switched lanes years ago.
I should explain.
I'm a driving instructor.
Now you get it, right?
Yeah, no, I get it.
Um, but when I was a kid,
you... you were
this total badass.
Oh, I know.
I was a real hard partier.
Yeah, okay, now we're getting
to the good stuff.
The drugs, the alcohol,
the women...
<i>Yes, yes, yes.
I was out of control.
? Out of control. ?
So when your mom said
I couldn't see you any more,
it was rock bottom for me.
I'm so sorry.
You ever bang Stevie Nicks?
Barney wasn't interested
in my apology.
He just wanted me to be cool.
And I was so desperate
to connect with him,
I did something
I'm not proud of.
<i>I started bragging.
I bet you didn't know
this about me, Barney,
but I've published
two nonfiction books
about asparagus.
And one fiction.
I'm credited with inventing
the word "furgling."
It means fumbling for keys.
So then all the county fair
judges started chanting,
"More quiche! More quiche!"
I guess you could call me
the LeBron James of drapes.
I could tell he just wanted me
to be this big ladies' man,
so...
What a hottie, huh?
I'm sure you're a real player.
Big-time.
Observe.
Excuse me, that's my son
over there.
I'm trying to reconnect
with him after 30 years.
Would you just write down
any seven numbers here,
so that I can impress him?
Please, I'm desperate.
Oh, my God,
you're a natural.
Think of the pickup plays
we can run as a father-son duo.
There's the
"Father Knows Breast,"
there's the
"Bush Dynasty,"
the "Lick Father, Lick Son."
Oh, no, no.
I couldn't do that.
Why?
I have a family now.
That's my wife
Cheryl, my daughter Carly--
she's in college.
This is my son J.J.
I was hoping you could come over
to dinner sometime
and meet them.
You're all wearing
matching sweaters.
That's cute.
Look, I got
to get going, Jerry.
But, uh, this was great.
Glad we did this.
I made him wait
all these years for me and...
I'm just not the guy
he wanted me to be.
I know I don't
deserve it, but...
I need another chance
to connect with my son.
We think you should
give him another chance.
That's the real reason
we're out here.
He lives ten minutes away.
What?
You're having dinner
with him tonight.
No, I most certainly am not.
Look, I met him.
He's not my kind of bro
and that's that.
Are you sure it's
not more than that?
Guys, get it through your heads.
I am never gonna
talk to my dad again.
No, Barney.
I'm never gonna talk
to my dad again.
But your dad is alive
and he lives just down the road.
Fine, I'll go.
Awesome.
Um, Lily, keys.
I'm literally
11 inches from you.
<i>And so Barney agreed to give
his dad one more chance.
Hello. You must be Barney.
I'm Cheryl.
It's just so nice
to finally meet you.
I love that suit.
Oh, thank you very much.
And I love your...
...coat.
I love your coat.
Oh, that's your coat, Barney.
I just took it from you.
Well, I do love it.
It's doing a nice job
covering up that chair.
Guess now we wait.
Hey, I got an idea
how to pass the time.
A little trivia game.
Robin, reindeer: real or fake?
Okay, I'm not an idiot.
Reindeer are obviously
f... re... fake?
Yikes!
I'm surrounded
by a bunch of dum-dums.
Good thing I don't have any gaps
in my knowledge.
I am perfect.
Oh, for the love of God, guys,
enough already.
What, baby?
You've been treating me
with kid gloves
ever since my dad died.
That's not true.
Robin, don't disagree
with Marshall.
I'm sorry.
I first noticed it at the bar.
Hey, Lily,
can you get me a mojito?
<i>Normally, you would've
given me crap
<i>for an hour about a voice crack
that pubescently girl-like,
<i>but nothing.
<i>So then I started
to test you guys.
<i>The Phantom Menace is by far
the best Star Wars movie.
It ages well,
that's the thing.
You guys like my new soul patch?
Righteous hair
tab, brotha.
<i>And once I figured it out,
<i>I started doing crazy stuff
to see how far you'd let me go.
Hey, guys.
This is Rex.
He's a possum.
I found him in the trash.
He lives with us now.
I love him.
Lily, we are living
with a possum.
Rex is violent and he hates us.
But, baby,
you just lost your dad.
None of us wants to upset you.
Please.
If you guys really want me
to get over the worst tragedy
of my life,
I'm begging you,
tear me a new one.
But not like Rex tried to
in my sleep last night.
J.J., dinner.
When I got your letter,
I dug this up.
You were probably
too young to remember,
but this is you, this is me,
and, of course, ZZ Top.
I do remember that.
I climbed up on that
dude's lap and told him
what I wanted for Christmas.
Yeah, I used to love
taking you backstage.
You were the coolest
little kid.
Hi, Barney.
It's great to finally meet you.
J.J., I'm talking
to Dad right now. God.
Seriously,
it's time.
What are my gaps?
Well, I guess maybe
one gap you have is...
you can't wink.
Don't you think that
maybe we should go home
and, uh, "do the laundry"?
<i>You can't swallow pills.
<i>Ooh, ooh, I got one.
You think John Kennedy and Jack
Kennedy are the same person.
Right?
What?
So, Barney, I understand
you have a pretty big job
with a bank.
Yeah, I do.
<i>I make a ton of money.
How much do you make, J.J.?
I'm 11.
Oh, well, huh, now we all know
you make excuses.
I was talking about money.
Actually, J.J.
has a job.
Tell him, J.J.
I got a paper route.
Good time to get into
print media.
Am I right, Dad?
Good slam, Barney.
Jerry.
It's all good fun.
Just ribbing among
long lost brothers.
J.J.'s a heck of
a basketball player.
Uh, you don't strike me
as the athletic type, Jayj.
Dad, check it.
Triceps.
What gym do you go to?
Fourth period?
Sounds like you're having
your fourth period.
Am I right, Dad?!
Got him again.
Jerry!
Oh, okay, Barney.
Uh, maybe that's enough.
Why? J.J. started it.
What does J.J.
even stand for anyway?
J-Jerky... Jerkface?
J.J. stands for Jerome Jr.
Jerome Jr...?
Oh.
He's-He's named after you.
Excuse me.
I like having
a brother.
You always add too
much water to oatmeal.
Yes, I drown the son of a bitch.
You consistently miss
at least one belt loop.
It's like I'm blind.
You're too old to ask
to see the cockpit.
Whoa. Whoa.
Guys, my dad
just died.
Aw, honey.
No, I'm just kidding.
This is great.
I really, I really missed this.
Barney, what
is going on?
This is mine.
I don't understand.
J.J. gets a childhood, a dad,
<i>a real family
and a basketball hoop?
No, no. I at least get the hoop.
I'm taking it with me.
Please, just come down
and talk to me.
Why? Why should I?
You're lame, okay?
You're just some lame
suburban dad.
Why does that make you so mad?
Because if you were gonna be
some lame suburban dad,
why couldn't you have
been that for me?!
Look, Barney,
I know I screwed up...
Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even
begin to describe...
I know, I know, I know!
I want to fix this,
and I don't know how!
Please, tell me what I can do!
I'll do anything!
You're never gonna
get it down like that.
Barney. Barney!
Just put the pointy end
into the grooves.
That's it. Now turn it.
Righty tighty,
lefty loosey.
I have no good excuse, Barney.
It took me years
before I was even able
to look myself in the mirror
for the way I let you down.
It took courage
to send me that letter.
More courage than I've ever had.
I owe you a lifetime
of apologies, and I...
I just have no idea
where to begin.
Can you help me with this?
Here, got it.
Look, if you...
ever feel like you're ready,
I'd love nothing more than
to be a part of your life.
Bye.
Are you sure you don't
want to talk about it?
I'm fine.
Hey, Ted.
Yeah, buddy?
You, uh, still want
a basketball hoop out there?
Oh, well, I also really liked
your outdoor stripper pole idea.
Yeah, it's fine.
No, you were right.
A kid needs a hoop.