<i>Narrator: Kids, in the fall of 2010,
<i>I was designing the new headquarters
<i>for Goliath National Bank,
<i>which meant working side by side
<i>with your Uncle Barney.
I love your idea about a
giant rooftop ring of fire
you can jump through with a motorcycle,
but I tweaked it slightly and...
this is still super bad-ass.
It's now a patio garden where
you can bring a nice bag lunch.
Sick.
Yeah.
Dude.
Working together is gonna be legen...
Wait for it.
I'll send you an inter-office
memo with the rest
'cause we freakin' work together!
<i>Everything was going great.
<i>That is, right up until Barney said...
Oh, big news.
The board finally settled
on a site for the building.
<i>It was the site of The Arcadian,
<i>one of New York's grandest old hotels.
<i>In its heyday, it was the New
York home to kings and queens.
<i>But lately...
(Funky music plays)
<i>... mostly just queens.
Hi, handsome.
Lookin' for a date?
Uh, no, thank you.
Still got it.
Barney, we have to talk.
Sure. What's up?
Excuse me, Mr. Stinson.
Not now, Trish!
But there's an urgent memo for Mr. Mosby.
- "Dary."
- Legendary!
So, what's on your mind?
(Sighs)
I can't design the building.
Sync by fant0m - corrected by chamallow
www.addic7ed.com
Oh, yeah. (Chuckling)
Oh, baby. No, no.
Not the slipper socks
with the rubber soles.
I work so hard to-to set the mood,
and-and when I see those,
I feel the egg go (Slurping)
Right back up my fallopian tube.
Baby, these satin sheets are slippery.
- Papa needs traction.
- Traction?
As you know,
papa likes to get down with enthusiasm.
Please stop calling yourself "papa."
And without traction,
papa's likely to boogie
himself right out of bed.
It's either these or soccer cleats.
(Slurping)
Hey, so I talked to Robin.
I guess she and Max hooked up last night.
<i>Kids, as you may remember,
Max was a friend of Marshall's
<i>from law school...
<i>with whom Robin was really
starting to hit it off.
Nice! I love that guy.
Max is both his name and
his level of awesomeness.
Yeah. He's a sweet guy.
She feels really comfortable with him.
They bonded over hockey.
I guess he has a small penis,
but they want to double-date next weekend.
(Shouting)
Why would you tell me that?
So you'll clear your schedule.
No! The other part!
Oh, the small penis thing?
Ah! Don't! Stop saying that!
Why do you keep saying that? You...
I don't want to know that.
I'm not going to be able
to look the guy in the eye.
I'm certainly not going to
be able to call him "Max."
That's insane.
I mean, just because you
know Max has a small penis...
(Shouting) Just don't!
You're kidding me.
I'm sorry. I can't do this if it
means tearing down The Arcadian.
It's an architectural landmark.
Plus, people live there.
How does GNB plan to
get hundreds of residents
to just up and leave?
- Snakes.
- Did you just say "snakes"?
I don't recall saying "snakes""
Ted, I know you love crappy
old stuff no one cares about.
But I'm gonna give you
four words to live by:
New is always better.
New is always better?
You know who's a million times hotter
than the hottest girl
I've ever slept with?
Her okay-looking friend
I haven't seen naked.
Why?
Because new is always better.
Mm-hmm? And this theory
applies to everything?
Everything.
<i>So, those new Star Wars movies...
Those are better than the old ones?
Yeah. The first three barely mention
the intricacies of
intergalactic trade law.
And when you're at a
Guns N' Roses concert,
you're like, "yeah, yeah,
Paradise City, whatever.
When are they gonna rock
me some Chinese democracy"?
Axl's really matured as a songwriter, Ted.
Wendy! I'd like to buy my friend a drink.
What's your oldest scotch?
Glen McKenna, aged 30 years in oak casks.
Amazing.
And what's your newest scotch?
Jumbo Jim's grape scotch.
Don't let it touch your skin.
Your call, buddy.
A glass of the J-Jumbo Jim's
grape scotch sounds lovely.
Lots of ice.
New is always better, Ted!
That's a rule.
Just like bigger is always better!
Pfft. That's not true.
Uh, sometimes smaller is better.
"Hey, look how big my cell phone is!"
You don't hear people say that.
No. You want something compact
and efficient that fits
comfortably in your pocket,
and I think Max is just a great guy.
Lily told you.
Told him what?
Max has a small penis.
(Men groaning)
How can you speak of such things?
Girls talk about everything.
Size, shape, left or right
leaning orientation...
Length, resemblance
to a historical figure,
such as Winston Churchill...
Yes, that's one of you.
Girth, grooming...
How can you speak of such things?
You're kidding.
Barney, every time I mention
a woman you don't know,
the first thing you say is, "boobs?"
Not the complete sentence,
"does she have big boobs?"
Which also would not be great.
Just: "Boobs?"
I do not do that.
My friend Lori from work...
Boobs? Damn it.
But... seriously.
Boobs?
So why is it okay for
guys to talk about boobs,
but the moment we bring up a topic
like Max's small penis...
(Men groaning)
I'm gonna pretend this
conversation never happened.
Impossible. Max's penis is stuck
in my brain like a splinter.
Like a splinter-sized splinter.
Speaking of disappointing weenies...
Ted, tell them what you told me
I want to ask the board at GNB
to move the site for the new headquarters
so we don't have to tear
down a classic old building.
I still don't get this.
Why, all of a sudden, out of nowhere,
do you want to ruin...
Wait a minute.
Who's the girl?
- Duh.
- Lily: Of course there's a girl.
What? I...
There's no g... girl.
Why would you even...
her name is Zoey.
Boobs?
Beautiful building, right?
Look, mister, you are very convincing,
and I am very flattered.
Confused, even.
But I'm not looking...
I'm not a drag queen.
But you definitely have me
rethinking this eye shadow.
Not only is she funny,
hot and genetically female,
but get this...
Look at the Palladian windows,
the rusticated stonework,
the marble cornices...
She's an architecture nerd!
A hot architecture nerd!
That's the dream!
Whose dream?
We wound up talking for hours.
I love how old parts of the city are.
Hmm.
It makes me feel connected to history.
Old is always better.
I can't wait to be old.
Me, too.
You can wear elastic everything.
Your lipstick doesn't have
to stay inside the lines.
You can shoplift and
pretend you're just confused.
(Chuckles)
- You could nap anywhere.
- Uh-huh.
Even while driving.
(Laughing) It's gonna be great.
I can't wait to be all run-down
and weathered and wrinkly.
Well, I'd say you got a pretty long wait.
That's sweet.
It would be sweeter if you hadn't thought
I was a tranny before,
but it's still sweet.
Oh, Ted, that's so romantic.
I want to fill a pillowcase
with dead batteries and beat you with it.
Hey, Ted,
can I ask you something?
Anything.
Will you sign this petition?
"Save The Arcadian".
We are gonna stop the bastards at
Goliath National Bank from demolishing it.
Will you support us?
And you said... ?
Where do I sign?
Hmm.
Grape scotch. Not bad.
Ted, you only think the
arcadian needs to be saved
because some pretty girl thinks that.
And seriously...
Boobs?
This isn't about the girl.
It's about the building.
And what did this "Zoey" say
when she found out that you're the one
tearing down her beloved Arcadian?
That you, Ted Mosby, are
the architect of destruction?
Marshall: Whoa!
Sweet wrestling name alert.
Well...
Uh, it's a... it's a
funny thing about that...
So what do you do, Ted?
I'm a veterinarian.
(All laughing)
What? I panicked!
This whole Arcadian
thing is classic Mosby.
Changing your personality
to fit some girl.
I don't do that.
Well, off to meet Steph.
We're adrenaline junkies!
(Ted humming)
Penelope is taking me to
the Battle of Gettysburg.
We're gonna eat squirrel! (Chuckles)
Look, she's really hot, okay?
- All: Aww!
- Come on! Come on!
We all change a little
for whoever we're into.
Barney pretended to
be a rabbi to get laid.
Asian girls love them some Jews.
And Marshall never would've listened
to the Indigo Girls
if it weren't for Lily.
Um, I think you got that
backwards there, chief.
And you're welcome.
The point is, you weren't pretending
to like the indigo girls
for the other person.
You realized you liked them
because of the other person.
Just like me, Zoey and The Arcadian.
Did GNB really put snakes in The Arcadian?
(Snickers) No.
Technically, they were eggs.
- Did you just say "eggs"?
- I don't recall saying "eggs."
So I walk into my boss's office
and suddenly I realize,
"holy crap, I'm about to quit""
<i>Marshall: Small penis.
<i>You have a small penis.
<i>Oh, that's super interesting,
but you have a small penis.
<i>Damn it, Marshall!
<i>Okay. Okay. Think of any two words
other than "small" or "penis."
<i>Got it: Small penis.
<i>Damn it!
Yeah, I... I think it is so cool
that you started your own law firm.
Well, right now it's a
pretty small practice.
(Laughing): Hey, hey.
I bet it's not that small.
Bro, it's...
pretty small.
Yeah, but, uh, you know what they say.
The important thing is...
is how you use it, you know?
"The motion of the
ocean." That whole thing.
He said it's small, Marshall,
and everybody's fine with that.
Let's just move on.
I'm just saying that I bet
it's bigger than he thinks.
And thick.
Nah. Everything about it is tiny.
The office is tiny. The
conference room is tiny.
Plus, I got a very small staff.
Let's order!
<i>Narrator: As I was mustering
the courage to call Zoey
<i>and tell her my true identity...
Zoey...
I'm Batman.
Hmm. That'd be cool.
<i>... The strangest thing happened.
(Knocking)
(Sighs)
I need your help.
Just to warn you.
What I'm about
to show you is not a
hundred percent legal.
Wasn't expecting bunnies.
I stole them, Ted.
My animal rights group
liberated these guys
from an evil cosmetics company.
And I figured, "hey, Ted's a vet.
He can check them out and
make sure they're okay."
Absolutely. Just let me run up
and get my bag of vet supplies.
Okay.
Why would I say that?
Well, I know what I'm getting.
- Oh? Oh?
- The porterhouse.
I've had it here before.
It is like this. It's huge.
Well, spare no expense, buddy.
Dinner is on me, and-and get dessert.
Maybe this molten chocolate lava cake?
I just want you to be happy.
Thanks, man.
- Next time, it is on me.
- Aw.
- Excuse me. I'll be right back. All right.
- Marshall: Totally.
We'll just be here.
You're great.
Ah. Thanks, bro.
It's, uh... it's going on a while.
I know.
Thanks.
Damn, baby, be cool!
You're acting like he
has six months to live.
It's your fault!
You ladies and your salty sailor talk!
Oh, come on! What about you
men and your locker room talk?
Locker room talk.
Do you want to know what it's like
in a men's locker room?
Hey. Hey.
<i>Marshall: It's just a
bunch of uncomfortable dudes
<i>trying to get out of there
as quickly as possible.
<i>And one old guy just
letting it all hang out.
Are you suggesting that
guys don't talk about sex?
Yes, we do, but you know what we say?
<i>"I hit that."
<i>"I got some."
<i>"I tapped it."
<i>"I squeezed those."
Discreet and efficient.
Not to mention classy.
Thank God that I'm not dating.
If I thought that Lily
talked in that much detail
about our sex life, I'd
probably kill myself.
Oh, no.
What did you tell her?
(In high-pitched voice): Oh, nothing.
We don't talk about you!
Are you sure?
Yeah. That argument has
no traction whatsoever.
You just broke in and stole these guys?
Aren't you worried about getting arrested?
Nah. I've been arrested lots of times.
Chinese democracy.
Wow.
You're a little bit crazy.
Well, I'm usually crazy for a good cause.
I can't just sit by while
voiceless people or animals,
or even buildings get screwed over.
I'm certainly not going to just sit by
while GNB turns The Arcadian
into a soulless metal box.
Yeah. Yeah.
Although I hear there's
a lovely rooftop patio
where folks can enjoy
a nice bag lunch, so...
Ted, I will find the bastards
at GNB responsible for this,
and I promise you, I will take them down.
Cuckoo!
Ted, this woman is an anarchist,
a sociopath, a lunatic,
and for the love of God, boobs?!
Solid c-cup, perky bounce.
Momentary grudging respect.
Zoey does what she believes is right,
and I want to do the same thing.
We have to find a new
site for this building.
Ted, that is never gonna happen.
Well, I can't tear down The Arcadian.
I'm sorry, but I'm off the project.
Zoey: Hey, guys!
I appreciate the great turnout,
but just so we're all on the same page,
this is not a rally to legalize marijuana.
Oh, bummer!
Hey.
Hey, Ted.
I'm so glad you came.
Well, you really got
to me the other night.
I want to get involved
with "Save The Arcadian."
Great. I'll grab you a picket sign.
Hmm.
<i>Do you want "GNB puts the
douche in fiduciary... "
Or "it's always 4:20 somewhere"?
Dudes, you forgot your signs!
<i>Narrator: As I looked up at
that magnificent old structure,
<i>i realized I wasn't letting my
feelings for Zoey mislead me.
<i>This building really was worth saving.
Ted, everything okay?
Yea... um... um...
You work for GNB?
Dude, why are you dressed like a wizard?
She was really hot, okay?
(Chuckling)
How the hell could you do that?
Simple. I rented the chair.
The bunny was here
already. That was lucky.
I waited to do the dramatic swivel
until I heard your key enter the door.
The billboard, Barney.
I had to. Now that you
have no shot with the girl,
you'll realize you never
cared about the building,
and everything can go back to normal.
<i>You're wrong. I do care.
And I'm still quitting.
Don't you get it, Ted?
We're tearing down The
Arcadian either way.
It's a stupid old piece-of-crap,
run-down, snake-infested dump!
Okay, are there or aren't there snakes?!
Who mentioned snakes?!
And stop shouting!
You're scaring cottontail.
You named the rabbit?
You took longer to get
here than I thought,
we bonded, I'm keeping her.
The point is,
you now have a chance
to design your own building.
Dude,
you can do whatever you want with it.
You're right.
You're right. I can
design it however I want.
So you're back in?
Yeah.
<i>Narrator: That night, as
I worked on a new design
<i>that just might solve all my problems...
<i>Marshall was visited
by a disturbing vision.
<i>Lily: Ugh, he thinks I like this...
But it feels disgusting.
<i>Uh, it looks disgusting.
Um...
uh, is this working for you?
"Uh, is this working for you?"
Oh, of course,
because what woman doesn't
like being slobbered on
while some giant paws
at her nether regions
<i>like Lenny from of mice and men?
(Both laughing) Oh, you're bad.
More cosmos?
Mm.
I can't... I can't do this!
I can't stop thinking about you and Robin!
Oh, I've had that a couple times.
Just lean into it and let it fuel things.
Look, no. You know what?
Why don't you just... why don't you just
call Robin, okay, and
have a good laugh about it?
(Scoffs)
Marshall: Whoa! (Sliding
and falling with a thud)
Traction could have prevented that.
Well,
hope you don't mind, we made
some changes to the billboard.
Well, that explains a few voice-mails.
Listen, Zoey, I think
we can save The Arcadian.
No. Maybe not in the
way you were picturing,
but I stayed up all night working
on a new concept, all right?
What if my design could
incorporate the Arcadian facade
into the new GNB headquarters?
<i>Narrator: Kids, it was one
of those moments in life
<i>where everything comes together...
<i>the girl, the building,
everything, until...
- Are you married?
- Yeah.
So you were saying, the facade
will be completely preserved?
This isn't about the girl.
It's about the building.
<i>Narrator: Yeah, it was about the girl.
Ted, wh... wh... what are you doing?
(Clears throat) This wouldn't work.
Zoey, The Arcadian was a
really great building once,
but it's falling apart,
and it's full of snakes.
- Snakes?
- I don't recall saying snakes.
Then he gets this panicked
look on his face, says,
"I can't do this," and storms out.
Wow, that is weird.
But here's the crazier part.
No. You know what?
Papa don't back down from a fight.
So why don't you tell Robin... about this!
It was amazing.
He was passionate,
animalistic, a complete stud.
Wow.
So he's right there making
you say all this, huh?
Yup. "'You're like a Greek God, '
I moaned, as the... "
I can't read that, baby.
"Musky scent of man."
"As the musky scent of man
and Marshall's sure-footed
traction intoxicated
and overpowered me."
That sounds real.
Narrator: And as for Zoey, it was funny.
<i>I'd lied to her, then
completely let her down.
<i>And I barely knew the girl.
<i>But there was something about her.
<i>I couldn't help but wonder
if I'd ever see her again.
Zoey: Hey, Mosby!
You're gonna have
to come out of your hole at
some point, you son of a bitch!
Man: Yeah!
Legalize it!
Dude!
Ready.
Aim.
Fire!
<i>Narrator: Why, yes.
<i>Yes, I would see her again.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's it going with Robin?
Uh, I think I have to break up with her.
- Really? Why?
- You with her?
Yeah, well, there's this...
kind of weird thing she
likes to do in the bedroom.
Hey, what's not for everyone?
Guys, come on. What is it?
Come on, bro.
This is a locker room.
I...
What do you think it was, Murray?
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