How I Met Your Mother: How I Met Your Mother - S07E08

Kids, for years,
your Uncle Barney
had reveled in mocking Aunt
Robin's Canadian heritage.
To have to grow up in Canada...
with America right there.
It's like an entire
country without a tailor.
Why? Why do we let you be a country?!
But all that was about to change.
I was on Facebook.
Nobody cool's on Facebook anymore.
Well, you know who is on Facebook now?
Everybody's parents.
And I just happen to be friends
with Barney's long-lost father,
Mr. Jerome Whitaker.
- Me, too.
He's gotten really good
at Bejeweled Blitz.
And guess who thought my status
update about Manitoba was
so interesting because his
mother was born in Manitoba?
What?
Which means your grandmother...
No...
Which makes you...
Don't say it!
...one-quarter Canadian!
Welcome to the tribe, hoser!
No...
it's not true!
That's impossible!
How I Met Your Mother 7x08
The Slutty Pumpkin Returns
Original Air Date on October 31, 2011
Sync by AK
ak1.tr@hotmail.com
Once upon a time
at a Halloween party,
I met a girl
dressed like a pumpkin...
a slutty pumpkin.
And she was extraordinary.
But she gave me her
number on a Kit Kat bar,
which was tragically given
away as Halloween candy.
So every year I return
to that same party
hoping I'd see her again.
But with every passing October,
that hope grew a little dimmer.
Then one day, after ten
years of searching...
My God.
The slutty pumpkin.
This might sound creepy,
but do you have a record
of who rented it in 2001?
That was easy.
You're not the first
lovelorn young man
to walk through that door.
Three girls got proposals off
my wife's slutty artichoke costume.
Two others disappeared,
but I focus on the positive.
I couldn't believe it.
I actually had her address.
I knew I had to play this right.
It's not like I could just
walk up and knock on her door.
Hi, you probably don't
remember me, but...
Halloween, ten years ago.
Now that's a slow play.
The next day, Lily and
Marshall headed out
to Lily's grandparents for dinner.
Marshall loved it out in the 'burbs.
Look how many fireflies I caught!
Don't forget to poke holes
in the jar this time.
Now we have a nice surprise for you.
Whatever it is, we're saying no.
- What?
- You know what.
Every time we're here,
my grandparents stick us with
some big old piece of junk
they're getting rid of.
It's like the world's
worst Showcase Showdown.
It's a perfectly usable lawnmower!
We live in an apartment!
But maybe someday
when we move to the suburbs...
We're never moving to the suburbs!
And you also get...
this skinny microphone!
Before we head out to
our place in Florida,
we wanted to give our
favorite granddaughter
a little something.
It's so small. I love it!
- A key?
- We're giving you the house.
Lily, I know you've
always hated the suburbs...
We'll take it!
For my first date
with the slutty pumpkin,
I took her someplace special.
Ted, this is so romantic.
The spot where we first met
ten years ago.
Do you remember the song
that was playing that night?
I remember how beautiful you looked.
# It's been one week
since you looked at me #
# Cocked your head to the
side and said, "I'm angry." #
Is that, the Barenaked Ladies?
# Five days since you laughed at me #
# Saying, "Get that together.
Come back and see me." #
Kids, it took me ten years,
but I finally kissed her.
And it was... terrible.
Lily, you hate the suburbs.
I know, but my grandparents
giving us a house
right when the baby's on the way?
It's perfect timing.
This is great.
I'm finally gonna be able
to barbecue with
proper ventilation.
Marshall!
We're moving to the suburbs, baby!
Okay.
Baby, you're not
moving to the suburbs.
Why not?
Lily is only agreeing
to all this because
of Pregnancy Brain.
Pregnancy Brain?
That's not a thing.
It's totally a thing.
Her brain is marinating in
a cocktail of hormones,
mood swings and jacked-up
nesting instincts.
I mean, yes, right
now Lily is a goddess
bestowing the miracle of life,
but damn, she dumb!
Well, I have noticed some stuff.
I can't find my keys
or wallet anywhere!
I found them...
here in the freezer.
But where are the ice cube trays?
No idea.
Those poor ice cubes!
I guess she has been
a little off lately.
A little? She just texted me
wanting directions back
from the bathroom.
We're over here!
You're doing great, sweetie!
That moron should not be making
big life decisions right now.
If you let her move to the suburbs,
it would be like taking advantage
of a helpless drunk chick.
What? Where?!
I got a girlfriend, right.
Baby, we should put off moving.
Why?
Because I think the pregnancy is
affecting your judgment.
No, Marshall, this is
an amazing opportunity
that we have to take advantage of!
Just because my body
is growing a fungus...
Fetus.
...doesn't mean that
my metal factories...
Mental faculties.
...are in any way funicular.
No idea.
This is nice. What is this?
Canadian whiskey.
I want scotch!
American scotch from Scotland!
Get that swill away from me!
Why are you doing this to me?
You have been ripping on Canada
since Justin Bieber was
knee-high to a snow blower.
So now this Canuck's
gonna beat on you
like the drummer from Yukon
Blonde hopped up on Timbits.
- Hey.
- Hey!
How was your
big date with the Snuffy Tuffkin?
The Sniffy Napkin?
The Slouchy Foreskin?
Lily tie-tie.
It was good...
Look, there's Orion's Belt.
Why does holding
hands feel this weird?
Should our fingers
not intertwine?
What's causing that
pinching feeling?
I'll just cup her hand.
There. That's...
not great.
Her hair's up my nose.
Her shoulder's jabbing
into my windpipe.
Maybe if we reposition.
I have to say something.
She must be feeling it, too.
This feels so right.
We fit like two puzzle pieces.
Yeah.
Ted, I know you've waited
ten years for this girl,
but some things just
aren't meant to be.
Not so fast. At the
end of the night,
when I leaned in and
somehow accidentally kissed
her open eyeball, there was
a slight flicker of something
I might even call chemistry...
adjacent.
Thank you.
Wait.
Where is my cash?
Yeah,
I did a little exchange
for ya, Canucklehead.
This Canadian dollar here
is called a "loonie."
And this two-dollar coin?
A "toonie." True story.
It's federal currency
and you people talk about it
like it's a Hannah-
Barbera character.
Not you people, Barney.
Our people.
Even though my first
date with Naomi was
a little awkward,
our second date
was a lot awkward.
This is the worst
kissing of all time!
How could she possibly be into this?
She sounds like those cows in
Temple Grandin's hug machines.
Do you want to listen to some music?
Ted, this is our song.
Let's make love to this song.
# Chickety China, the Chinese chicken #
# Have a drumstick and
your brain stops tickin' #
Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.
# X-Files with no lights on,
we're dans la maison. #
Doofus!
It's me, you at age 15.
And we made a deal
we would always boink any
chick that wants to boink us!
Yes, she's beautiful,
it's just there's no connection there.
I don't feel intimate with her.
"Intimate"? Let me
remind you of some things
you did feel "intimate"
with when you were 15
a catcher's mitt,
an oven mitt, a glass of warm water,
a half-open hide-a-bed
sofa, a top-loading VCR!
It's not gonna happen!
Come on!
It'll take, like, 30 seconds!
Naomi, listen...
You like that, Ted?
Do you ike it when I caress your hair?
Your hair is so nice to caress.
Why is she saying that word?
I like to caress your hair.
There it is again!
"Caress!" Who says that?
Caress.
The thing is, I like her, okay?
I really, really like her.
I just don't seem to like
anything she says or does.
I have to break up
with her, don't I?
Yes!
After you sleep with her, yes!
Marshall, I've been thinking
about what you said.
You're right, we shouldn't
move to the suburbs.
Let's not make any huge
life decisions right now.
Is this because you
tried to make waffles
with the laptop this morning?
Anyway, I'm gonna call
a real estate broker
to come look at the house tomorrow.
By the way,
I ordered those Minnesota Vikings drapes.
You're right, they're totally
gonna class up our apartment.
Okay, yes. It's wrong
to bang a drunk chick.
But you're an idiot if you don't
get, like, a little something.
Yo, Canada.
What? Dammit!
You answer to "Canada" now.
I'll make you a deal.
You wear this costume
to the Halloween party tomorrow night,
I'll drop it forever.
You can't be serious.
I am as serious as a poutine shortage
in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel.
I don't know what any
of those words mean.
Yes. You do.
That must be the broker.
Marshall, will you get it?
Sure. Of course.
Trick or treat!
My gosh. How cute!
I'm sorry, we don't have any candy.
We forgot about trick-or-treaters.
We don't get any where we live.
Yup. Only get this kind of cuteness
in the suburbs.
Look at how sweet and happy
and unarmed they all are!
Are you using adorable
little children in costumes
to manipulate me?
- Bye!
I mean, did you even call
a real estate broker?
No.
I've got Pregnancy Brain like a fiddle
and I've been playing you like a fox.
# Oh, Canada... #
# Our home and native land... #
I knew it would be tough
to break up with Naomi.
But when it's just not
there, you can't force it.
Happy Halloween.
And just like that, I was
taken back ten years...
to the hopeful kid in
the hanging chad costume,
falling head over heels
for the Slutty Pumpkin.
I made you something.
Your costume from that first night.
Although you do realize
that even ten years ago,
the hanging chad reference
was like almost a year old.
I can't believe you made this.
I can't believe you found me.
Stay strong, Teddy. We can do this.
I...
"Have to break up with
you," just say it.
Love... Wait, what?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Say sunsets! Pancakes! Anything!
Just don't say...
You.
No!
Barney? Where are you?
You're moving slower
than John Diefenbaker
climbing Mount Hungabee on Boxing Day.
Those are all real references
to our shared homeland.
I'll be right there.
Can't wait to see you in your
costume, Dudley Do-Right.
# Living in America #
# Eye to eye #
# Station to station #
# Living in America #
# Hand in hand #
# Across the nation #
# Living in America #
# Got to have a celebration #
# Rock my soul #
If we move here, you're
just going to have that baby,
and then you're going to hate me
for letting you do this.
I'm going to love it here.
We'd have so much
room in the suburbs.
You can get that pinball
machine you've always wanted.
You can put it anywhere you want.
Stop it. You don't know
what you're saying.
Anywhere.
Upstairs, downstairs...
you can stick it in the back.
Lily, I want to be
inside this house so bad.
USA! USA!
USA!
Come on!
Okay, so rather than
wearing a Mountie costume
and end this forever,
you show up shirtless
to an outdoor party?
It's practically November.
No biggie. I ain't cold.
Interesting.
It's fascinating.
Almost as if your body was
accustomed to low temperatures
after generations of adapting.
Canada.
No.
Guys, hey. Robin,
Barney, this is Naomi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Nice to meet you guys.
I'm gonna go make some Tootsie
Rolls. It's a drink I invented.
There's a song and dance
that goes along with
it, but I have to
drink three of them
before I can do it.
Okay. You go.
This way.
Sounds delicious. In theory.
But you never know
until you taste it.
Ted... have you tasted
her Tootsie Roll?
Of course not.
Wait. Have you?
You had sex with someone
you have zero feelings for!
U-S-A!
U-S...
Stop it.
Just no part of it felt right.
At first there was too much
eye contact, then not enough.
Where do you look during sex?
Into the hidden camera
at future me watching it.
Okay. Wait. How does
saying "I want to break up
with you" lead into sex?
I didn't say "I want to
break up with you," exactly.
What did you say, exactly?
"I love you."
Classic Schmosby.
Marshall, this house wants you so bad.
"Mow my lawn.
"Rake my leaves.
Winterize my pipes"
Yes!
Yes! I'm coming...
to terms with this decision!
Trick or treat!
Yay!
Okay.
Happy Halloween.
- Lily.
- Yeah?
You just gave those children
a stapler, a pair of sharp scissors,
and a pretty decent Pinot Noir.
I did?
My God.
I'm going to miss
that stapler so much.
I'm not doing so great, am I?
Maybe not.
We shouldn't make any
huge life decisions
right now, should we?
Look, I love you and I
love the idea of raising
our kids with a lawn and
a white picket fence,
but we have our whole
lives to decide when
and if we want to do that.
Do what?
Let's get you home.
That's for the stapler!
I hate the suburbs.
Naomi...
We have to end this.
I'm sorry, Tootsie Rolls make me
really honest.
Ted... I know you're super into me.
But we are terrible together.
Wait, what?
I've been trying, saying things
felt good that didn't just to...
I thought saying it was good
would make it feel good, but...
...it always felt off.
Why won't he stop
sniffing my hair?
And what's up with
the hand holding?
It's like he's trying
to win a thumb war.
Ted, this is our song.
No, he thinks I'm
actually into this song.
Does he not get sarcasm?
Let's make love to this song.
I'll just be even more ridiculous
to make it clear it's a joke.
# Chickety-China, the Chinese chicken... #
I...
Where you going with this, buddy?
...love...
Nope, too soon.
Say basset hounds, Pretzel
Crisps, anything but...
...you.
God, just kiss him
before he proposes.
Ted, I've been looking
for the Hot Hanging Chad
for the last nine Halloweens.
I've waded through a sweaty parade
of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters,
Antoine Dodsons, and that jackass
who always dresses as laundry.
I hate that guy.
That's why, once I finally found you...
...it was hard to let you go.
Good-bye, Ted.
Let's just not touch ever again.
Probably a good idea, yeah.
Okay.
Kids, after spending a decade
dreaming of the wrong girl,
I wanted more than ever
for the next woman I met
to be the real thing.
Yeah, I don't know, Barney,
she doesn't seem like my type.
I will kill you.
I'll see what I can do.
There, I'm Barney, how are you?
No, I'm Barney.
You pack quite a wallop there.
Hope you didn't hurt your hand.
Why are you so nice?
Sorry about my thick noodle there.
How about we split
the cost of the vase?
Holy Zamboni.
You really put your
weight behind that one.
That was a really good one.
Heavens to Gretzky, that
was a real Chiclet rattler.

How I Met Your Mother

11/04/2011

How I Met Your Mother - S07E08 - Perfect on Paper

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