How I Met Your Mother S07E11

<i>In the fall of 2011,
Lily and Marshall received
<i>a surprising gift
from Lily's grandparents:
<i>their house in Long Island.
<i>Lily and Marshall decided to
sell it for one simple reason.
It's Long Island.
I don't want to spend
my Saturday in Long Island.
I know, babe,
but the realtor staged the
place with fake furniture
and she wants us to check it
out before the open house.
All right.
Can we at least do it
on the fake bed?
I'm embarrassed
that you have to ask.
<i>So, they headed out
to Long Island,
<i>and when they walked
in the door...
We'll take it!
We-We can't take it.
We're the ones selling it.
We are selling it, right?
Baby, your grandparents gave
you this house outright.
So, the way I see it,
we have five options.
One: sell it.
Two: year-round
haunted house.
Three: giant fence around the
perimeter, chimp sanctuary.
There's already a tire
swing in the backyard.
Four: we destroy it
with sledgehammers.
I like four.
Or five: we move in,
raise our children
and make this our family home.
Till they graduate.
Then we destroy it
with sledgehammers.
As a family.
No, this is crazy!
We are New York people.
We have a big, beautiful
apartment that we love.
You're right.
<i>But something happened
to Lily and Marshall that day.
<i>Something that happens
to all New Yorkers
<i>who return home from anywhere
other than New York.
Their big, lovely apartment...
Huh. That's weird.
<i>...shrank.
Okay, after Thanksgiving,
I'm cutting out carbs.
<font color=#00FF00>♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x11 ♪</font>
<font color=#00FFFF>The Rebound Girl</font>
Original Air Date on November 21, 2011
== sync, corrected by <font color="#00ff00">elderman</font> ==
Now, kids, it had been
a rough couple weeks for Barney.
<i>First, he cheated
on his girlfriend with Robin,
<i>then he broke up
with his girlfriend for Robin,
<i>then Robin chose Kevin
over him.
<i>So he was kind of
in a bad place.
Hey.
You all right?
Why wouldn't I
be all right?
Barney's single again!
It's what America's
been clamoring for.
You just went
through a break-up.
That's usually when people
do something crazy.
If you were a girl,
you'd have cut bangs
and be dating you by now.
Just promise me
you won't do something crazy.
I promise I won't
do something crazy.
<i>Don't worry, he's gonna do
something crazy.
In fact, I think
I'm done with girls.
I'm not sure I even
like them anymore.
Based on all the stuff you've
done to them over the years,
I'm not sure
you ever liked them.
I'm serious.
Come on, you love girls.
If anyone should be
done with girls, it's me.
Look at the year I've had.
Zoey, Victoria,
the Slutty Pumpkin.
Now I'm worried
you're gonna do something crazy.
I'm not gonna do
something crazy.
<i>And yes, I'm gonna do
something crazy, too.
But girls, man.
Girls.
- You know what would kick ass?
- Being gay?
Being gay would kick ass!
Word. Guys understand
each other.
Imagine a relationship where,
instead of talking
about feelings all the time,
<i>you just play some Madden,
eat a pizza,
give each other a happy,
roll over
and have some
cuddle-free shut-eye.
Bro, for what it's worth,
if we were both gay,
you'd be my first call.
Would you mind calling Marshall
and telling him that?
'Cause he thinks...
No, this is only in a scenario
where just you and I are gay,
not Marshall.
But if all three of us were gay,
you'd pick me
over Marshall, right?
If all three of us were gay?
Girlfriend, we would
all three of us have some fun.
Damn right we would.
We're not gay.
Nope. Stuck with girls.
I wish men could have children
on their own, like sea horses.
Are you saying
what I think you're saying?
They have a little pouch.
They should be called
sea kangaroos.
No, y-you want kids?
Maybe I've kind of
lately been thinking
about the whole
wife and kids thing.
Just minus the wife.
You could always go it alone.
<i>Like Mr. Drummond
on Diff'rent Strokes.
Yeah, but that was the '80s,
when you could just swing by
any inner-city playground
in your limo
and scoop up some kids.
- Mmm.
- Simpler times.
- Hmm.
I guess it's better
to have someone
in it with you anyway, you know?
Lifetime partnership.
The only partnership in my life
that has stood the test of time
is this one.
The sacred bond of man and bro.
Maybe we should start
a family together.
Are you kidding?
This place is huge.
I mean, look, I can
dance all crazy in here.
Oh! Sh...
Listen, um, Robin,
are you okay with us all
doing Thanksgiving
out in East Meadow?
Uh, yeah, I guess
that'd be nice.
Oh, great!
And then after Thanksgiving,
Lily and I were thinking
that we would just
stay at the house
until, you know...
we die.
What?
No!
You can't move
to Long Island!
But this house
is so nice.
It's big, and it's clean,
and if there's cockroaches,
they respect us enough
to sneak around.
Listen to yourself.
This is Pregnancy Brain
all over again.
No, I'm done
with Pregnancy Brain.
I've moved on
to weird pregnancy sex dreams.
Officer.
You know. You know.
I'm-I'm just saying, you're not
in the right mind to be making
this decision
right now.
You know what? Robin's right.
We are in no state of mind
to make this kind of decision.
Thank you. And now you're
stepping off the crazy bus.
We let the universe decide.
And now you're back on board.
You hear that, Universe?
If you send us a sign
in the next...
24 hours, then we're moving
to Long Island!
Okay?
Go.
Hey, guys,
for the last time,
this place is enormous--
Oh!
Geez, how many lamps
do you have?
It's genius!
Instead of throwing away
your life marrying some girl,
you just go splitsies on a kid
with your best bro!
I wouldn't have to choose
between dating
and having a family.
Hell, I could bring
the kids on dates!
And a broken home?
Um, what's that?
Our kids will never know,
'cause we're never
gonna split up!
Why would we?
I mean, sure,
when your wife walks in
on you banging a hot flight
attendant, you get a divorce.
But when your bro-parent
walks in on you
banging a hot
flight attendant...
You get five of these bad boys,
right up high!
And you totally
join in, right?!
Oh, no, there's the line.
That's the line.
We found the line.
It's good we know where it is.
Hey, guys.
- Hey!
- Hey.
We have an announcement.
So what you're
saying is,
if you're meant to move
to Long Island,
some sign from the universe
will magically appear
at your doorstep?
<i>Now, kids, I don't think
there was a knock on the door
<i>at that exact moment, but for
the purposes of this story...
Hi, I'm Clive.
I live upstairs from you.
Is this your sign?
I don't know, Clive.
Is it?
Oh, did we leave that outside?
Yeah, we're selling our house
in Long Island.
Oh. Too bad you're not
selling this place.
I'd love to turn
mine into a duplex.
And I'd give you a really
good price for it,
because I am so rich.
He did not
say that.
His shoes did.
Okay, the point is,
we got the sign.
We're moving to East Meadow.
Let's get some champagne.
<i>And just like that,
Lily and Marshall
<i>were beginning a new chapter
in their lives.
<i>Which meant only one thing
for us...
We're having a baby!
Bro-parents activate!
- Hey, let's talk baby names!
- Barney...
Oh, my God!
That was my first choice, too.
No, listen.
You and I are drunk.
Which means there's a chance
that adopting a baby--
no matter how cute
he is in my head
with his little cowboy outfit on
and he's riding our dog
like a horse
and we also have a dog,
purebred Golden,
but it's okay, she's a rescue--
might not be a good idea.
You're right.
So let's go home,
take some aspirin,
drink lots of water,
and then see if it's still
a good idea tomorrow.
It's still a good idea!
It's totally still
a good idea!
We're having a baby!
<i>Kids, I cannot
stress this enough:
<i>Barney and I were going
through a tough time.
You're not leaving,
and that's final.
Look what I bought at
4:00 a.m. in New York City.
A bootleg VHS of a very,
very popular Korean movie,
this genuine Lenny Vintone purse
and the number of a man
who can get me a kidney.
Do that on Long Island.
Look, Robin, we appreciate
that you want us
to stay in the city, but
this is what we want.
I mean, you
understand, right?
No.
Here are a
few fun facts
about Long Island.
Number one:
it's Brooklyn's fart trail.
<i>So Barney and I--
<i>and again,
going through a tough time,
<i>can't stress that enough--
<i>found an adoption agency
Web site
<i>and filled out
their online application.
Name: Barney Stinson.
Ted Mosby.
Address...
Oh, put my address
in Westchester.
They'll want to see we'll be
raising this child
in a good environment.
You know, the suburbs.
What? No.
- All my guys are here.
- Your guys?
Yeah. You know how I got
a guy for everything?
Well, they're all in New York.
My suit guy, my shoe guy,
my ticket guy, my club guy.
And if I don't have
a guy for something,
then I have a guy guy
to get me a guy.
And oddly enough,
his name is Guy.
Okay, fine.
How about this?
We stay in the city during
the week, then on the weekend,
country house in the burbs!
This is why bro-parenting works!
Totally!
And with your salary
plus my salary,
we can totally
afford two places.
Oh.
What?
So... uh, you're gonna
keep your job?
Robin, this discussion
is closed.
The universe told us to do it,
so we're doing it.
Well, the universe
gets it wrong sometimes.
Remember when Marshall
was trying to decide between
becoming an environmental lawyer
and working at a bank?
<i>That's a funny story.
<i>Marshall was fed up
with his job at GNB and was
<i>thinking about
leaving it all behind,
<i>so he and Lily agreed
he should wait for a sign
<i>from the universe
to tell him what to do.
<i>Then one day...
Of course.
It's so clear.
It's been right there all along.
I have to call Lily.
Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.
I'm sorry, but, um, can
I please borrow your...
- Ernie Hudson?
- Yes.
Can I borrow your phone?
Who you gonna call?
And did Marshall
become a Ghostbuster?
That firehouse
is still for sale.
Even Ernie Hudson begged you
not to go through with that.
Ernie Hudson is a coward!
Oh!
Of course I'm gonna
keep my job.
Why wouldn't
I keep my job?
Well, I mean,
this whole architecture thing...
isn't it more of a hobby?
Excuse me?
And now we're fighting.
You know what?
Forget I said anything.
No! No, no, no.
We're having this discussion.
Architecture
is my life's work.
<i>Why don't you quit your job?
I don't even know
what it is
you do for a living.
"What it is I do for a living?"
I work, Ted, 14 hours a day
so that our baby can have food
and clothes and a nice house,
while you sit around
doodling pictures of buildings.
That's "what it is I do."
You know what? Screw this.
I'm gonna go to the bar.
Yeah, right, right,
'cause the answer's always
at the bottom of a bottle!
Wait, wait, wait!
Hold it!
Brainstorm.
Brainstorm.
Nobody quits their job.
We get a nanny.
Dibs on the nanny.
No. No banging the nanny.
Ted, please don not dig in
on this whole
no-banging-the-nanny policy.
Okay, fine.
We'll get two nannies.
One for banging,
one for childcare.
Slash banging.
Dibs on both nannies!
Just think of it, Ted,
you and me,
living together,
with our kid,
my two hot nannies,
our pet cobra...
What?
A kid needs a pet cobra, Ted.
Don't be a pill about this.
And we'll have amazing
weeklong parties,
and there'll be swords
and ninja stars lying around.
<i>That's when I realized:
<i>adopting a baby with a friend?
Crazy.
<i>Adopting a baby with Barney?
Freaking nuts.
I can't adopt a baby with you,
Barney.
Why not?
Because we don't even
have one yet
and you're already
a terrible father.
Oh, I get it.
You want one of the nannies.
Well, you can't have 'em!
They're mine!
So you're just gonna have
to get yourself a third nanny.
Except dibs on
the third nanny! Good day!
<i>Which brings us
to Thanksgiving.
<i>Marshall, Lily and Robin
were heading out
<i>to Long Island early
to get ready.
Okay, how is this
even possible?!
'Cause how did we even get it
in here?!
Okay, I change my mind.
I want an epidural.
You guys are crazy.
This place is enormous.
I mean, look arou...
Have you never heard
of overhead lighting?!
You're right.
I get it.
This place is great.
Um, excuse me.
Where is the restroom?
Oh. Right there.
Oh, good, great.
I'm just gonna go
in there and...
not come out until you promise
never to move away!
It's a good thing
we have three bathrooms.
Hey, Barney.
Uh, listen, sorry
about the other day
when I said you'd be
a terrible father.
You had no reason
to think otherwise.
Totally understandable.
I'm not mad.
Thanks.
And, uh, let's be honest,
we were both acting
a little crazy.
I don't think either of us
is truly ready
for the responsibility of...
Daddy's home.
Uh, Barney, uh, where
did you get this baby?
Please.
Did you adopt it?
Please.
Do you have
a baby guy?
Did Guy the guy guy
get you a baby guy?
Ted, we should get going.
No, no, no. I'm not going
anywhere with you.
For all I know, I could be
aiding and abetting
a kidnapping.
Shh. Bro-daddy's not mad.
He's just being a wittle loud.
He wuvs you! Yes, he does!
- This is insane!
- You'll feel better outside.
- Come on.
- No, I can't.
Yeah. Na-na-na.
<i>But then we went outside.
Oh, my goodness.
- What a beautiful baby.
- Thank you.
By the way, my friend and I,
we're not a couple.
We are two straight guys
who are single
and we have a baby.
Just so you know.
Look at this sweet girl.
Hi. I was just telling
this first girl,
my friend and I,
both straight,
both available,
and we have a baby.
Oh, who is this little angel?
me and him,
not gay, single,
have a baby.
We should look
into having a sign made.
<i>Kids, again, we were going
through a difficult time.
But this part was kind of fun.
Aw...!
So cute!
This is awesome.
Right?
Robin, come out
and talk to us.
I'm not coming out
of this bathroom
until everyone stops
acting crazy!
No one is being crazy.
<i>Again, for the purposes
of this story...
Ted and I have
a baby. Crazy!
What the hell is that?
Guys, this is Hurricane
Stinson-Mosby.
Mosby-Stinson.
You named your
baby Hurricane?
That is...
ultimately inconsiderate
to the child
who has to live
with that name.
Okay, how the hell
does Barney have a baby?
No idea. Super confused.
I'm finding it best
to just sort of go with it.
She's super cute,
though, right?
Wait a minute.
Oh, guh! Hurricane
dookied in her drawers.
Ha-ha!
Poopy pants!
She needs
a new diaper.
Right. Where do you
keep your diapers?
We don't have any.
You don't... Wow.
Okay. (scoffs) I guess
I'll go buy some.
You're gonna be a mom and
you don't have any diapers?
Lord, watch over
that child.
Uh, okay.
Come here, you.
So, there was talk
of a cheese plate?
Hey.
Cheese?
Thanks.
If you don't mind
me asking...
what-what is
this all about?
I mean, you are one of the most
strong, independent,
non-locking-themselves-in-
a-bathroom-on-Thanksgiving
people I know.
Why-why are you so upset
about us moving?
Maybe I just need you guys
more than you think.
Is this about more
than us moving?
This is good cheese.
Robin?
Yeah?
Do you think I should've become
a Ghostbuster?
I think you made
the right call, buddy.
Okay, Ted, I'm not gonna ask you
where Barney got this baby.
But do you have any idea why?
Well, a few nights ago,
we were talking...
you know, "We hate girls,
we wish we were gay,"
just guy stuff.
And we kind of
sort of decided to...
adopt a baby.
Yeah, that's crazy.
I know.
Is it, though?
Yes.
I know.
But is it, though?
Yes.
Well, so what if it's crazy?
I've been ready to meet someone
to start a family with
for a long time now,
and I keep not meeting her.
Barney is one of my best friends
in the world, we rarely fight,
and once we iron out
the whole pet cobra thing,
we will be amazing dads.
Why shouldn't we try this?
When's the last time
you fed her?
She had some root beer
on the train.
Oh, Ted.
And I'm sorry,
but you cannot call
a baby Hurricane.
Actually, her name is Sadie.
James, what are you doing here?
Did Barney
not tell you
that we were coming
for Thanksgiving?
Uh, no.
Then he probably also
did not tell you
that he was babysitting
our new daughter.
This is your daughter?
Oh, thank God.
And congratulations.
Thanks. Come here.
Aw...
Aw...
I guess this is good-bye,
Hurri... Sadie.
Your name is Hurricane.
Don't ever forget it.
Go with him. Go on.
Come here.
That a girl.
Hey, Ted,
I overheard
your little speech.
It's not crazy.
About ten years ago,
my best friend and I
nearly did the same thing.
She was single, I was single,
we both wanted a family.
It made sense.
But now?
Every day, we thank our lucky
stars that we didn't do it.
'Cause what she found
with her husband
and what I found
with mine--
it was worth the wait.
Hurricane's
a cool name.
Isn't it, Tom?
The pet store
was closer,
so I just got her
some wee-wee pads.
Oh, I also got this.
It's beef-flavored
and it's good for her teeth.
James! Tom! Hey!
Lily...
did you get
the e-mail
that I sent you
about inviting
James and Tom
to Thanksgiving?
I sent it to your CompuServe.
That's your main one, right?
Happy Thanksgiving, bro.
- Thanks. Hi.
- Hey!
Let's go sit down.
Hi.
All right,
you got me.
James is my baby guy.
But these past three hours--
magical, right?
We can do this!
Say we can do this.
We can't do this.
Sorry, dude.
We got to wait
for the real thing...
no matter how tough it gets.
It gets pretty tough.
I know it does, buddy.
I have some time
before dinner, right?
I'm going to go...
I'm gonna take a little walk.
All right. All right.
God.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Are we still friends?
Hope so.
Good.
'Cause get this.
Ted almost adopted a baby.
Crazy, right?
Poor guy's going
through some stuff.
He actually tried
to rope me into it.
Can you imagine me
being someone's dad?
I'm pregnant.

How I Met Your Mother S07E10

Kids, Einstein was right.
Time moves at different speeds.
<i>To Barney, the previous night
raced by in a blur.
<i>But then, all of a sudden,
<i>time stopped.
This might be the worst
thing I've ever done.
Hey, now,
you weren't at the top of your
game, but it was still pretty...
Oh, my God!
I just cheated
on Kevin.
He is the nicest guy ever.
I'm a terrible person.
It's okay.
We both cheated.
What's that saying about
two wrongs making a right?
"Two wrongs don't make a right"?
No, that's not it.
Oh, my God.
I just cheated on Nora.
How could I do this to her?
What are we gonna do?
I don't know.
Well...
Can I ask you, did
this mean anything?
Of course it did.
Of course it didn't.
Which one are you looking for?
I could see it going either way.
It meant nothing.
It meant nothing!
How could you say
it meant nothing?!
Of course it meant something!
- No, it didn't! It can't.
- (groans)
Okay? You're with Nora,
and I'm with Kevin and...
I have to go.
Wait, what are
we gonna tell them?
Nothing.
God! We made a
horrible mistake.
But it-it is over now.
There's no reason to hurt more
people by talking about it.
You're asking me to lie?
That's... fine.
Damn it.
Nora and I have that work cruise
tomorrow night.
We're all supposed
to go together.
Okay, I know this is thinking
way, way out of the box,
but what if-- and hear me out--
we don't go?
No.
I just want this whole night
to fade into history,
so we have to act like
it never happened.
We should go.
I mean, it's a three-hour
boat ride--
what could happen?
I'm sure that's what Gilligan.
<font color=#00FF00>♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x10 ♪</font>
<font color=#00FFFF>Tick Tick Tick</font>
visit tvshowslatest.blogspot.com
<font color="#00ff00">visit tvshowslatest.blogspot.com</font>
Groovapalooza!
All the smug hippie bands from
the '90s in one big concert
(sniffs)
Ah, even the tickets
smell like cloves
and mediocrity.
Ah, to really
take us back,
I scored us bag
of, yes, mari...
<i>Kids, we used to do something
before concerts
<i>to enjoy them more.
<i>And that thing was to...
eat a sandwich.
...nated steak subs.
Oh, yeah!
Well, as future parents,
we'll pass on the sandwiches.
How could you even suggest
such a thing, Ted?!
(whispers): I better
get my 60 bucks back.
No sandwich?
Marshall, it's a palooza.
We've eaten sandwiches
at every palooza.
Lollapalooza, Funkapalooza...
Gender-diversity-awareness-
palooza, junior year.
Yeah, there were
some real bitches there.
<i>TED:
Okay, quick,
before Lily gets here,
let's fire this up.
No way. I promised Lily
that I would be responsible.
You're not getting
your 60 bucks back.
Give me that.
(coughing)
(piano playing soft music)
Hey, how you
holding up?
Well, I'm about to be
trapped on boat all night
with the guy I cheated on,
the guy I cheated with
and the girl that the guy
I cheated with cheated on.
So, not super.
Hi, Sandy.
You're welcome.
I did not say "Thank you."
Oh, you're too kind.
Too kind.
Excuse me, I
should really try
to have sex with
that new intern.
<i>NARRATOR: Robin's boss, Sandy Rivers
hosted this cruise every year,
<i>mostly to hit on
the new employees.
<i>And he'd found a clever way
to never spend a cent.
Up next, another four deaths
in Arizona's record-breaking
heat wave.
You want real
record-breaking heat?
Try Kristoff's Jalapeño
Coconut Vodka martini.
<i>Muy caliente!
Okay, Nora and Kevin
are gonna be here any minute.
I thought I could handle this,
but I can't.
Okay, um, here's the plan.
We'll grab one of the
lifeboats, get back to shore,
destroy the tape
of us doing it...
There's a tape of us doing it?
...and we'll start
a new life together.
Somewhere simple and homey,
like Vermont or Dubai.
Wait, is that what you want?
For us to be together?
KEVIN:
Hey, Robin.
Oh, God, I really
can't do this.
Don't worry. Just follow my lead
and keep cool.
Hey, guys!
(whispers):
They know!
Oh, no.
I think that sandwich was
laced with other stuff.
Like, hard meats.
What do you mean?
Well, usually after a sandwich,
I feel paranoid. But I'm not.
Why am I not
feeling paranoid?!
What do you mean?
Calm down, dude!
We'll be fine.
Lily's gonna know.
Listen to me.
Whatever we were just
talking about...
we'll be fine.
You're right, she
won't find out.
Hey, guy
(whispers):
She knows!
Good evening.
A special welcome
our four new interns:
Erika... and so on.
One safety matter:
life preservers are
on the side rails,
in case anyone falls overboard.
That's it.
Have a good night.
Don't drink too much.
Or do.
Beautiful night,
huh, gang?
Yeah, Robin and I
were just cheating--
chatting about
how warm it is.
I'm breaking a
trust-- sweat
in here.
(chucks)
And I thought
we'd be cuckold.
I know why you're
so nervous, Barney.
You do?
You're meeting Nora's parents
tomorrow night, right?
(laughs)
That's it!
That's it!
Let's dance!
Bah!
Whoo!
(whispers):
Lily has no idea I'm high.
You're high?
I'm sorry.
(whispers):
Lily has no idea I'm high.
Okay, well, if
your pregnant wife
has to sit here
sober all night,
she's gonna need
some of them nachos.
You got it.
Hey, dude, fork over
some of them nach...
No, not his.
My own.
Ah. Smart.
Come on, Ted.
What?
<i>And thus began the most
harrowing journey of our lives.
<i>To this day,
Robin and Barney swear
<i>this is the song
they danced to that night.
♪ You fooled around
on your baby ♪
♪ Now the least you could do
is to tell her the truth ♪
♪ Yes, you in the suit ♪
♪ Or that secret
will eat up your soul ♪
♪ Girl, the guilt's
gonna drive you crazy ♪
<i>♪ Crazy ♪
♪ You can't live with this lie,
Kevin's such a nice guy ♪
♪ Gotta tell him tonight ♪
♪ Tell them right here
on this boat ♪
♪ You're like scum round
the edge of a toilet bowl ♪
<i>♪ Flush ♪
♪ What the hell is in the place
where you should have a soul? ♪
<i>♪ Slut ♪
♪ You did these two wrong ♪
♪ Don't wt too long ♪
♪ In fact, you know what? ♪
♪ Tell them
right during this song ♪
<i>♪ Tell ', tell 'em,
tell 'em, tell 'em, tell 'em ♪
I'll wait.
<i>♪ Tell 'em, tell 'em,
tell 'em, tell 'em, tell 'em ♪
Oh, come on, seriously,
you're not gonna tell them?
We have to tell them.
Right now.
♪ Sure, act like
it was your idea. ♪
Seriously, you guys suck.
<i>NARRATOR: Marshall and I were still
in line to get Lily's nachos.
Dude, we've been
waiting forever.
Even worse, this is the
line for the ladies room.
I can't believe that our
last Groovapalooza was,
what, 12 years ago?
I mean, time is
going by so fast.
I know, it's crazy.
In, like, an eye blink,
this hand will be, like,
an old man's hand.
I recognize the clichéd nature
of what I'm about to say,
but... whoa!
Yeah.
312?
That's our gate.
Dude, we just walked around
the entire arena.
We've been walking
for, like, an hour
and we still haven't
found the nachos.
I bet Lily
is so upset.
Yo, you want
my nachos, bro?
Thank you.
My husband's been gone an hour
looking for these.
If he can't even do that,
how can I trust him as a father?
You can't, bro.
You can't.
I like your long goatee.
Marshall can't even
grow a beard.
Oh, that's sad.
'Cause one's ability to grow
facial hair directly correlates
with one's ability
to be a good father.
I know it does.
I know it does.
(groans)
Oh.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you know
where the nachos are?
(ominous music plays)
(screaming)
TED:
Marshall!
Over here.
I found the nacho line.
Oh.
So, how'd it go with Kevin?
Well, I was just about
to tell him...
ok, Kevin...
Erika, I've been meaning
to speak with you all night.
Really?
What about
About me bending your hard
little body over the railing
of this boat
and copulating furiously
while I admire
the New York City skyline.
Or, if you're feeling dirty,
we can always face Jersey.
Thoughts?
(screams)
Jalapeño!
And just a hint of coconut.
(screams)
Kevin hit his head,
he might have a concussion.
So obviously
I couldn't tell him.
What about you?
Something even worse
happened to her.
I got a tiny spot of wine
on my sleeve.
I couldn't pile on.
I'm not a monster.
Where are they?
Come on, forget
the nachos.
Everyone here
is having fun.
Look, even these guys.
Check it out.
Wow, music really does
bring people together.
Ted? Ted!
Creepy guitar guy
is following us.
(ominous music plays)
(both screaming)
(panting)
We did a whole nother lap.
Oh, man, we missed like,
half the concert now.
Come on, let's just go
back to our seats.
Ted, Ted, Ted.
The nacho line
was right here all along.
(both laughing)
So stupid.
As soon as we dock,
I'm taking Kevin to the E.R.
God, wish last night
never happened.
(sighs)
I don't.
What do you mean?
What if this whole thing,
it isn't the story of how we
both made a horrible mistake
and ruined our relationships,
what if it's actually the story
of how we got back together?
Okay, I'm gonna ask you
one last time.
Is this what you want?
It's what we both want!
Why else are we rushing
to tell them what we did?
On a boat!
That is a terrible idea!
Barney, we tried this
and we failed.
Why try again?
Because I haven't stopped
thinking about you
and you haven't stopped
thinking about me.
It's such a mess.
Why...
Why do you even like me?
I guess...
'cause you're almost
as messed up as I.
Well, there's the small issue
that we're currently dating
other people.
How about this?
After we dock, let's each do
what we have to do,
and then meet up at MacLaren's
at midnight and...
talk about us.
Don't forget
your mystery gift bags!
They're condoms.
We just went all the way
around again!
Where the hell
are these nachos?!
Who cares
about nachos?
Oh, I love nachos, man!
You gotta relax, man.
You keep worrying about stuff
like nachos,
you're gonna give yourself
a heart attack.
- I'm going back in.
- Fine!
Ha! Joke's on you!
The nacho line was right here
all along!
<i>NARRATOR: Robin and Barney
were finally off the boat.
<i>so they both assumed
it was going to be a lot easier
<i>to admit
what they had done.
Kevin...
Me first.
Look, I don't want
to make too much out
of saying "I love you"
for the first time.
Any way I can jump in
with my thing?
Robin... I love you.
Okay, Nora, lo...
(gasps)
NORA:
Mom! Dad!
Hi, Nora, we
got in early!
BOTH:
Should've done it on the boat.
Ah!
Hey, where's your friend?
We missed almost the entire show
because he put his stupid quest
for nachos ahead of our
friendship, so I bolted.
Well, I'm just a creepy old
guitar player,
but isn't any time spent
with a friend a blessing?
And if nachos is all you seek...
take mine, brother.
Wow!
Thank you.
It's a sign, bro.
It is.
It's a sign
I should go find Marshall!
(laughs)
Marshall! Marshall!
So, Barney, Nora's told us
so much about you,
but we want to know everything.
Uh, let's see. Suit, laser tag.
I say "wait for it" a lot.
That's about it.
You two must be exhausted.
I'll make coffee.
I'm so glad to see how happy
you both are.
When you meet
the right person,
you know it.
You can't stop
thinking about them.
They're your best friend...
and your soul mate.
<i>You can't wait to spend the
rest of your life with them.
No one and nothing else
can compare.
Now, where the hell
is that coffee, eh?
(chuckles)
Look, Nora, there's something
I have to tell you.
(ominous music plays)
(groans)
Heart attack.
Oh, God, Ted was right.
I have to relax!
Ted!
- Marshall!
- Ted?
Ted!
Marshall!
Oh, Ted! Oh, Ted!
I'm so sorry! You were right.
No, Marshall, you...
Yeah, I was right.
But look, nachos!
Come on. Let's
go back inside.
(audience cheering)
That's it.
It's over.
We missed the whole show.
So...
yup, I love you.
Look, Kevin...
there's something
I have to tell you.
I cheated on you.
I don't even know
how to react.
I am so sorry.
I know I don't get
any second chances,
but you will always be...
Was this a one-time thing?
Can you tell me
it didn't mean anything?
No.
I'm sorry, Ted.
I still want to have fun,
There's just not
enough time, you know?
I know.
It's all going by
so damn fast.
Lily!
Hey! Oh, Lily,
I'm so sorry
that we ruined our night.
Yeah.
What are you guys talking about?
You've been gone less
than two minutes.
<i>NARRATOR:
Kids, she was right.
TED:
My hand.
Whoa!
Ah! concert!
Nachos! Ah!
(laughs)
Music!
(both scream)
- Time!
- Nachos!
Thank you!
It's a sign, bro.
Oh, oh...
Heart attack!
Marshall!
Marshall!
BOTH:
Time...
BOTH:
Lily!
Marshall, do you get
what this means?
Life isn't moving
too fast.
We-we still have time
for everything
And we're not gonna miss
the concert!
I'm freaking out right now.
- We gotta get out of here.
- Yeah.
Do you guys know where
the ladies' room is?
- No idea.
- Haven't seen it.
Hey! How's it going?
Oh, not great.
Nora and I broke up.
Oh, my God, what happened?
I don't really feel like getting
into it, but...
I think the worst part is over.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, Kev.
- What's up, Kev?
KEVIN:
How's it going, buddy?
ROBIN:
Hey, guys.
There's something
I have to tell you.
Then don't.
What?
If there's one thing I've
learned as a therapist,
it's that just because something
needs to be told
doesn't always mean
it needs to be heard.
Kevin, I did something bad.
We've all done bad things.
Doesn't mean we're bad people.
Look, I don't care
about every detail
from your past,
and I hope you don't care
about mine either.
What I do care about is you,
and that from tonight forward,
you're in this as much as I am.
What do you think?
I'm such a mess.
Why do you even like me?
Come her
I am constantly amazed
by the things you say,
entranced by the things you do,
and unlike a certain Jalapeño
Coconut Vodka martini,
you're easy on the eye
And if we're together
long enough,
I hope that one day you see
yourself the way I see you.
That's a pretty good answer.
<i>NARRATOR: Sometimes hours
can feel like minutes
<i>and sometimes a single second
can last a lifetime.
<i>For Barney, the second that
would never end was this one.
(ticking)
(ticking stops)
Well, um, I should go.
Tough night.
I'm so sorry.
Don't be. It's nothing.
It feels good to be sober again.
Man, how long have we been
sitting here, right?
12 seconds and you're
in the wrong booth.
I should go to bed.

How I Met Your Mother S07E09 Disaster Averted

Psst. In here!
I'm safe.
Not quite.
The amulet, please,
Mr. Stinson.
Why?
Help! Help!
The kid.
Help!
Hang on, kid.
Grab my tie.
But you're not supposed
to take the tie off.
You lost a bet with your
friends Lily and Marshall
which requires you to wear
the tie for a full year.
If it means saving your life,
I think they'll understand!
They sound like nice people!
Yeah, they are.
Grab that...
Come on.
That's it.
Thanks, Mister.
How can I repay you?
You can stay in school,
that's how.
No!
True story.
But golly, I'm just gonna miss
the heck out of
that ducky tie. I really am.
Look what I just found
in the trash.
No!
== ReSync by <font color=#00FF00>madrockz</font> ==
== for 720p Web-DL @<font color=#00FFFF>hdbits.org</font> ==
<i>Kids, you haven't truly
lived until somewhere,
<i>somebody puts a sign up because
of something you did.
<i>For instance...
Have you guys seen that sign
out front that says
"Absolutely No
Boogie-Boarding"?
What's that all about?
Oh, that's a great story.
You got time for it?
Well, I'm supposed to go to
my mom's birthday party, so...
please make it as
long as you can.
Well, it happened
a few months ago.
The night of the hurricane...
<i>Kids, it was August 26, 2011,
<i>and Hurricane Irene was
barreling towards New York.
Guys, guys, guys.
This storm is serious.
Luckily, you are friends
with a former Boy Scout.
And a Boy Scout is always what?
Unpopular?
Beaten up?
Going to the movies
with his mom?
A Boy Scout is always prepared.
Prepared to spend lunch
in his locker?
Prepared to die a virgin?
Prepared to paint
his sister's nails?
Prepared for emergencies!
That's why a week ago,
when Irene was just
a tropical depression-
You're a tropical depression.
This guy got us...
a disaster backpack,
and a rental car that seats
five, parked right outside.
We're gonna drive up
to my place in Westchester
where we'll all be safe.
Boy Scouted!
You're welcome.
Ted's right, we should go.
Hey, on the way out of the city,
do you mind if we stop at my
place so I can get something?
Okay, what did you have to get?
My drink on.
We're not going anywhere.
What? No!
We don't have time for this!
We gotta get going!
Ted, I'm older than you.
Yeah.
And taller.
Just older.
And when you reach my age,
and height,
you'll see that things like this
hurricane are no big deal.
They're going to close
the bridges.
You guys, we got
to get out of here.
I'm afraid I'm with
blondie on this one.
This storm is nothing.
I'm from Vancouver.
You know what we call
this in the Couv?
Barbecue weather.
Yeah, I'm with these guys.
Drinking beer in front
of Barney's giant TV
beats sitting in the car
<i>listening to
Memoires of a Geisha.
Come on, we're at the best part.
Oh, it's my mom,
checking to see if I'm okay.
Hey, Mom.
Ooh, Mommy!
It's drizzling out!
I'm so scared!
Bikini weather.
Marshall, you're with me, right?
Sorry, old friend.
But I can't afford
to tempt fate.
Oh right, I was being
really weird.
I should explain.
Last summer I quit my job.
And then, a week before
the hurricane...
Huh, my medical
insurance just expired.
That gives me two uninsured weeks
before I'm added to your plan.
It's no biggie.
Ow!
Paper cut.
Death is all around us.
So for the next two weeks
he was basically a really
clingy Edgar Allan Poe.
The Grim Reaper beckons.
I feel his icy grip
around my throat,
the breath of his hounds
at my heels,
the unrelenting rat-tat-tat of
his scythe on my chamber door.
And you, with your
blithe request,
you only hasten
his inevitable triumph.
Is that what you desire?
Is that what you desire, Lily?
I just wanted you
to get us some bagels.
Bagels?!
Do you have any idea
what could happen to me
whilst getting bagels?!
What the...?!
No, not like this!
Fine. I'll go get the bagels.
No!
Why not?
And remember, not too
much cream cheese.
Half a shmear, max.
Thanks, baby.
No! No! Not like this!
Okay, now you're just
being ridiculous.
Well, life is ridiculous, Lily!
People get run over by buses
and hit in the nuts by
skateboards, bitten by babies.
Nobody wakes up and says,
"Today I'm gonna star
in a YouTube video."
You've said that at
least a dozen times.
Lily, for the next two weeks
you must be by my side
protecting me.
Why, what's gonna happen?
Answer: a hurricane.
Just let me take off the tie!
Please!
I have to wear this at work.
Do you have any idea
what that's like?
If the SEC pursues charges,
it's going to be all our asses.
Nobody takes this
more seriously than I do.
Please, can I take it off?
You... may... knot.
With a "K."
A little tie pun.
This is far from over.
You have a price, Eriksen,
and I will find it.
When the end of day is nigh,
I'll have taken off this tie.
I'm going to like the way
I look, I guarantee it.
So boogie-boarding...
Boogie-boarding. So I was trying
to get these guys to leave.
Hey, Nerdlinger,
what's with the safety boner?
I mean, come on.
The disaster kit, the car,
the ladies' rain boots-
Uh, they're men's.
Pink is just easier to
spot from the rescue chopper.
Look, forgive me for caring
about you guys,
but you're my best friends
in the world
and I just want to make sure
you're okay.
Ah. Ted, you are
a giant whining bummer.
Barney...
Come on, Ted,
this storm is not a big deal.
This storm is a big deal.
Let's replay
that harrowing footage
of Irene touching
down in North Carolina.
We gotta get out of here!
Go, go! Come on,
come on!
Please let me take it off!
No.
$5,000?
No.
Is he serious?
$10,000?
No.
Dudes, take the money.
$20,000?
No.
Yes. I'll let you slap me in the face
as hard as you can.
You have my attention.
<i>Kids, you remember Marshall
and Barney's slap bet.
<i>A few years earlier,
Barney lost a bet to Marshall.
<i>His penalty was five slaps
delivered anyplace, anytime.
<i>So far, Marshall had slapped
Barney four times.
<i>Which meant he only had
one slap left.
What do you say, Marshall?
Are you going to seize
this slap-ortunity
or let it slap
through your fingers?
Don't let him
tempt you, Marshall.
I don't know, Lily. I mean
we have a baby on the way.
An extra slap could
really come in handy.
No! No!
This is crazy.
You having to wear that tie
for another ten months
is all the satisfaction I need.
Plus,
I still have one slap left,
and that feels good. But if
you didn't have that slap left-
if say, I were to get you
to slap me tonight-
I suppose that
would change everything.
I suppose it would.
<i>Le jeu commence.
<i>Je m'appelle Marshall.
So boogie-boarding...
Boogie-boarding.
So I was trying to get
these guys to leave,
but there was
one little problem.
Come on, let's go.
I'm staying.
What?!
Barney?!
Hey, hey, it's going to get
pretty crazy out there.
And if some hot woman gets
all her clothes blown off,
and I'm not up here
to videotape it
and put it up on the Internet,
who will, FEMA?
Come on, open your eyes.
No, no, you are coming with us.
We leave no man behind.
Hey, Mom.
Uh, yeah, the boots
were a big hit.
You know, I better pee.
But when Lily and I get back,
we're all leaving.
Wait, I have to go
pee with you?
You want me to go
to the "bathroom,"
the most dangerous room
in the house by myself?
Do you have any idea
what could happen?
Ow! My eye!
I'm blind!
No, no!
Not like this!
I don't think
we're seeing eye to eye
about the likelihood
of that happening.
Hey, it's my dad.
My dad's calling me.
Hey, do you know where...?
Ted got his boots?
Yeah. They're fabulous.
I totally want a pair.
Okay, Dad, I will. Thanks.
Guys, Dad says this hurricane is
a bigger deal than you thought.
I'm taking charge.
We are getting out of here.
Okay, what is with
everybody's parents calling
to check up on them?
It's just a little rain.
Lawn-mowing weather.
Bocce weather.
Wow. You're really bummed
that your dad's
not worried about you.
What?!
Eh... What would my
dad be worried about?
That I'm not wearing
enough sunblock?
House-painting weather.
Ted, you're back.
I've changed my mind.
I'm in. Let's go.
Yeah, I changed my mind, too.
You can't come.
Everybody else,
we're moving out.
That's harsh.
You know what else is harsh?
Ultraviolet light.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed
this week
and I think I got a sunburn
on my cheek.
It's so sensitive.
It's like a big, red bull's-eye.
Ouchie.
Did you take my blush
out of my purse?
So, boogie-boarding.
Boogie-boarding.
Oh, come on, Ted,
you can't just leave him here.
Uh, yeah, I can.
You called me a giant
whining bummer.
You're not allowed in my car.
You don't get to find out
if the geisha finds love.
This is about principle.
Hey, Ted.
I'm ready to go.
And you must be "Principle."
Ah, on a separate note,
guys, this is Maya.
I just met her out in the hall.
We have a lot in common,
such as our mutual love
of country music,
NASCAR and Jeff Foxworthy.
Just go with it.
She needed a ride
out of the city,
and we have an extra seat
in the car, so...
Okay, let's hit it!
Wow.
It's come to this.
You could help a friend,
but instead, you're choosing
the hot girl in
the tight tank top.
Your training is complete!
I'm so proud of this kid!
But seriously,
the storm's coming in,
so dump the hoochie
and wheels up.
You promised me a seat.
Oh, for God's sake.
You two both go.
I'll stay here.
What? Lily, no!
Shotgun!
You're staying. Then
Lily can come! Wha...?
No, no, no, I'll stay here.
Why?
I just want
some time away from you!
What?
Marshall, I'm sorry. I love you,
but I haven't had a second alone
in weeks!
It's summer vacation!
All I want to do is
sit in the bathtub
and read a book, but now...
Baby, I forgot to bring a book.
Do you mind reading
yours out loud?
Hey, it's been no picnic
for me either.
You don't even do the voices.
Blocked number.
Hello?
RJ? It's your father.
Daddy?
I love you.
It means so much
that you called.
Ha! I knew that you
wanted him to call. Busted!
That was you?
I really think
you should slap him.
You should slap him!
Slap him.
Slap him.
Two cheeks, no waiting.
Good, 'cause I really
think I'm gonna slap him!
So, boog -boarding?
Boogie-boarding.
Come on, Ted.
You're gonna give some
random floozy a ride,
but not take Barney?
Floozy?!
If she's going, I'm not going!
Lily, you're staying.
Let's go.
If Lily's staying,
then I'm staying!
Then I'm going.
Then I'm going.
You can't go, Marshall,
'cause I'm going.
If Barney's going, I'm
not going! Then I can go.
Then I'm staying.
Then I'm staying.
Then I'm going.
Then I'm not going.
Okay, you know what?
I'm going.
This storm's been on Doppler
radar for a week.
I'm the only one
who prepared for it.
And you all made fun of me.
So guess what?
This Boy Scout
is taking a hike. Good-bye!
Maya, real quick, did you think
there was anything here, or...
Oh, I have a boyfriend.
Good-bye!
Um, Ted...?
The time for evacuation is over.
Everyone should now go inside
and be prepared
to stay inside until weather
conditions improve,
which won't likely be
until Sunday afternoon.
We're stuck here?
Okay, let's not panic.
You know what?
Let's panic.
Hey, if we don't make it
through the night,
I want you guys to know,
and I really mean this...
I wish I had branched out
and made more friends in my 20s.
Well,
I'm going to go to the bathroom.
By myself, I guess.
Watch out for bears.
Since this might be the end,
I gotta confess something.
Can I?
Might as well.
Barney and I have been doing
the wild thing...
this whole time.
Except a brief period last year
when he was shacking up
with Marshall's mom.
But luckily, three-ways
were on the menu, so...
Marshall, you know she didn't
say any of that, right?
I know, but I just want
to slap him so bad!
But that tie is so stupid!
But the slap would feel so good!
But he hates that tie so much!
Perhaps I can help.
Marshall, ask yourself this
question: why today?
He hasn't said anything about
that tie for weeks,
and yet, suddenly today,
he can't wear it another second?
No, there's a reason.
You've got something coming up.
Something where you're
on display, vulnerable...
exposed.
It's not work-related.
No, this is relationship stuff.
You're trying
to impress someone.
In the lie you told,
you said you were being chased
by two goons.
So it's two people.
A couple, perhaps.
You're meeting
Nora's parents tomorrow!
Wrong!
Wrong, wrong, wrong,
wrong, wrong!
It's in two days, and I really
want them to like me!
Oh-ho!
Therapisted!
Shrinked? Shrunk?
We'll figure it out.
So, boogie-boarding.
Boogie-boarding.
Hey, Lily, can I talk
to you for just a second?
Come here.
Marshall, if I'm in here to
brush your teeth, I swear to...
I'm sorry
that I've been so needy lately.
I know that you need
some time alone.
So... I'll be in
the other room.
You're not going anywhere.
Mmm...
Hey...
And the funny thing is,
after that night,
we'll never be alone again.
You made that in my bathroom?
Whoops.
Wow, a hurricane baby.
Oh, man, Hurricane Eriksen would
be a sweet name.
It would be a crazy sweet name!
Thanks, Ted.
Anyway, the next day,
after the danger had passed...
It's closed.
Now what?
A Boy Scout is always prepared.
Hey!
Nice!
To surviving the hurricane.
Yay!
I love you guys.
Love you.
<i>I did finally make it up here
to the house later that week
<i>only to find that
a falling oak tree had
<i>landed in the living room.
<i>If we'd been here, it would
have crushed us like bugs.
<i>You see, kids, there's no way
of knowing for sure
<i>where the safest place is...
<i>so the best you can hope for is
to have some good company.
Guys, how far do you think I can
boogie-board on this thing?
So far!
Marshall, your insurance doesn't
kick in till tomorrow.
Yeah, well, you know what?
Life kicks in right now.
♪ ♪
Don't worry, he wasn't hurt...
<i>the first time.
I have splints!
<i>The second time he went through
the front window of Maclaren's.
Hence the
"No Boogie-boarding" sign.
All right, guys, I gotta go.
Barney, good luck
with Nora's parents.
Bye.
Bye.
See you later.
All right. See you.
See ya.
Hey, Barney?
Hmm?
Listen, um, we made a baby
in your bathroom.
So we owe you one.
So we say...
you can take off the ducky tie.
For three slaps.
Three slaps?
And to be clear,
this would add three slaps
to Marshall's existing one,
giving him four slaps in total.
Deal.
I'm free!
God, this feels so good!
This was a mistake!
I wanna put the tie back on!
I wanna put the tie back on!
Why do I have to be
Barney right now?
Three slaps remaining!
Three slaps. Wow,
I like the sound of that.
I think I'll save
those bad boys,
you know, for a rainy day.
Okay.
The worst is over.
Ah!
Two slaps remaining!
It's all right.
Hey, it's all done...
for now.
I think I need to go home
and reevaluate how
I make life decisions.
Come on. I have
to go back to work.
Let's split a cab. Okay. Yeah.
Did you ever tell those guys
about that other thing
that almost happened?
That other thing?
Oh, that. No. Did you?
No.
Hey, I'm really sorry
about that phone call.
Oh, it's fine.
No, it is so not fine.
I was a jerk.
And if you don't mind my
saying, your dad is
a complete idiot
for not calling.
He should never let a day go by
without calling you
because when I let a day go by
without talking to you...
Um, that day's just no good.
Um, sorry.
Um...
It's my dad.
Wait, show me your hands.
My hands.
Hey, Dad!
That's what I've been saying!
Golf weather!
Can you believe we almost...?
I know.
Good thing we didn't.
Yeah. I mean, not
long after that
you got together with Nora.
And you met Kevin.
Yeah.
Disaster averted.
Exactly.
It would've ruined everything
if we'd been all...
ah-la-la-la...
I know, right?
So dumb...
La-la-la-la-la-la...
== Legen .... Dary !!! ==

How I Met Your Mother - S07E08 - Perfect on Paper

<i>Kids, for years,
your Uncle Barney
had reveled in mocking Aunt
Robin's Canadian heritage.
To have to grow up in Canada...
with America right there.
It's like an entire
country without a tailor.
Why? Why do we let you be a country?!
<i>But all that was about to change.
I was on Facebook.
Nobody cool's on Facebook anymore.
Well, you know who is on Facebook now?
Everybody's parents.
And I just happen to be friends
with Barney's long-lost father,
Mr. Jerome Whitaker.
- Me, too.
He's gotten really good
at Bejeweled Blitz.
And guess who thought my status
update about Manitoba was
so interesting because his
mother was born in Manitoba?
What?
Which means your grandmother...
No...
Which makes you...
Don't say it!
...one-quarter Canadian!
Welcome to the tribe, hoser!
No...
it's not true!
That's impossible!
How I Met Your Mother 7x08
The Slutty Pumpkin Returns
Original Air Date on October 31, 2011
<b>Sync by AK
ak1.tr@hotmail.com
<i>Once upon a time
at a Halloween party,
<i>I met a girl
dressed like a pumpkin...
<i>a slutty pumpkin.
<i>And she was extraordinary.
<i>But she gave me her
number on a Kit Kat bar,
<i>which was tragically given
away as Halloween candy.
<i>So every year I return
to that same party
<i>hoping I'd see her again.
<i>But with every passing October,
that hope grew a little dimmer.
<i>Then one day, after ten
years of searching...
My God.
The slutty pumpkin.
This might sound creepy,
but do you have a record
of who rented it in 2001?
That was easy.
You're not the first
lovelorn young man
to walk through that door.
Three girls got proposals off
my wife's slutty artichoke costume.
Two others disappeared,
but I focus on the positive.
<i>I couldn't believe it.
I actually had her address.
<i>I knew I had to play this right.
<i>It's not like I could just
walk up and knock on her door.
Hi, you probably don't
remember me, but...
Halloween, ten years ago.
Now that's a slow play.
<i>The next day, Lily and
Marshall headed out
<i>to Lily's grandparents for dinner.
<i>Marshall loved it out in the 'burbs.
Look how many fireflies I caught!
Don't forget to poke holes
in the jar this time.
Now we have a nice surprise for you.
Whatever it is, we're saying no.
- What?
- You know what.
Every time we're here,
my grandparents stick us with
some big old piece of junk
they're getting rid of.
It's like the world's
worst Showcase Showdown.
It's a perfectly usable lawnmower!
We live in an apartment!
But maybe someday
when we move to the suburbs...
We're never moving to the suburbs!
And you also get...
this skinny microphone!
Before we head out to
our place in Florida,
we wanted to give our
favorite granddaughter
a little something.
It's so small. I love it!
- A key?
- We're giving you the house.
Lily, I know you've
always hated the suburbs...
We'll take it!
<i>For my first date
with the slutty pumpkin,
<i>I took her someplace special.
Ted, this is so romantic.
The spot where we first met
ten years ago.
Do you remember the song
that was playing that night?
I remember how beautiful you looked.
# It's been one week
since you looked at me #
# Cocked your head to the
side and said, "I'm angry." #
Is that, the Barenaked Ladies?
# Five days since you laughed at me #
# Saying, "Get that together.
Come back and see me." #
<i>Kids, it took me ten years,
but I finally kissed her.
<i>And it was... terrible.
Lily, you hate the suburbs.
I know, but my grandparents
giving us a house
right when the baby's on the way?
It's perfect timing.
This is great.
I'm finally gonna be able
to barbecue with
proper ventilation.
Marshall!
We're moving to the suburbs, baby!
Okay.
Baby, you're not
moving to the suburbs.
Why not?
Lily is only agreeing
to all this because
of Pregnancy Brain.
Pregnancy Brain?
That's not a thing.
It's totally a thing.
Her brain is marinating in
a cocktail of hormones,
mood swings and jacked-up
nesting instincts.
I mean, yes, right
now Lily is a goddess
bestowing the miracle of life,
but damn, she dumb!
Well, I have noticed some stuff.
I can't find my keys
or wallet anywhere!
I found them...
here in the freezer.
But where are the ice cube trays?
No idea.
Those poor ice cubes!
I guess she has been
a little off lately.
A little? She just texted me
wanting directions back
from the bathroom.
We're over here!
You're doing great, sweetie!
That moron should not be making
big life decisions right now.
If you let her move to the suburbs,
it would be like taking advantage
of a helpless drunk chick.
What? Where?!
I got a girlfriend, right.
Baby, we should put off moving.
Why?
Because I think the pregnancy is
affecting your judgment.
No, Marshall, this is
an amazing opportunity
that we have to take advantage of!
Just because my body
is growing a fungus...
Fetus.
...doesn't mean that
my metal factories...
Mental faculties.
...are in any way funicular.
No idea.
This is nice. What is this?
Canadian whiskey.
I want scotch!
American scotch from Scotland!
Get that swill away from me!
Why are you doing this to me?
You have been ripping on Canada
since Justin Bieber was
knee-high to a snow blower.
So now this Canuck's
gonna beat on you
like the drummer from Yukon
Blonde hopped up on Timbits.
- Hey.
- Hey!
How was your
big date with the Snuffy Tuffkin?
The Sniffy Napkin?
The Slouchy Foreskin?
Lily tie-tie.
It was good...
Look, there's Orion's Belt.
<i>Why does holding
hands feel this weird?
<i>Should our fingers
not intertwine?
<i>What's causing that
pinching feeling?
<i>I'll just cup her hand.
<i>There. That's...
<i>not great.
<i>Her hair's up my nose.
<i>Her shoulder's jabbing
into my windpipe.
<i>Maybe if we reposition.
I have to say something.
She must be feeling it, too.
This feels so right.
We fit like two puzzle pieces.
Yeah.
Ted, I know you've waited
ten years for this girl,
but some things just
aren't meant to be.
Not so fast. At the
end of the night,
when I leaned in and
somehow accidentally kissed
her open eyeball, there was
a slight flicker of something
I might even call chemistry...
adjacent.
Thank you.
Wait.
Where is my cash?
Yeah,
I did a little exchange
for ya, Canucklehead.
This Canadian dollar here
is called a "loonie."
And this two-dollar coin?
A "toonie." True story.
It's federal currency
and you people talk about it
like it's a Hannah-
Barbera character.
Not you people, Barney.
Our people.
<i>Even though my first
date with Naomi was
<i>a little awkward,
<i>our second date
was a lot awkward.
<i>This is the worst
kissing of all time!
<i>How could she possibly be into this?
<i>She sounds like those cows in
<i>Temple Grandin's hug machines.
Do you want to listen to some music?
Ted, this is our song.
Let's make love to this song.
# Chickety China, the Chinese chicken #
# Have a drumstick and
your brain stops tickin' #
Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.
<i># X-Files with no lights on,
we're dans la maison. #
Doofus!
It's me, you at age 15.
And we made a deal
we would always boink any
chick that wants to boink us!
Yes, she's beautiful,
it's just there's no connection there.
I don't feel intimate with her.
"Intimate"? Let me
remind you of some things
you did feel "intimate"
with when you were 15
a catcher's mitt,
an oven mitt, a glass of warm water,
a half-open hide-a-bed
sofa, a top-loading VCR!
It's not gonna happen!
Come on!
It'll take, like, 30 seconds!
Naomi, listen...
You like that, Ted?
Do you ike it when I caress your hair?
Your hair is so nice to caress.
<i>Why is she saying that word?
I like to caress your hair.
<i>There it is again!
"Caress!" Who says that?
Caress.
The thing is, I like her, okay?
I really, really like her.
I just don't seem to like
anything she says or does.
I have to break up
with her, don't I?
Yes!
After you sleep with her, yes!
Marshall, I've been thinking
about what you said.
You're right, we shouldn't
move to the suburbs.
Let's not make any huge
life decisions right now.
Is this because you
tried to make waffles
with the laptop this morning?
Anyway, I'm gonna call
a real estate broker
to come look at the house tomorrow.
By the way,
I ordered those Minnesota Vikings drapes.
You're right, they're totally
gonna class up our apartment.
Okay, yes. It's wrong
to bang a drunk chick.
But you're an idiot if you don't
get, like, a little something.
Yo, Canada.
What? Dammit!
You answer to "Canada" now.
I'll make you a deal.
You wear this costume
to the Halloween party tomorrow night,
I'll drop it forever.
You can't be serious.
I am as serious as a poutine shortage
in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel.
I don't know what any
of those words mean.
Yes. You do.
That must be the broker.
Marshall, will you get it?
Sure. Of course.
Trick or treat!
My gosh. How cute!
I'm sorry, we don't have any candy.
We forgot about trick-or-treaters.
We don't get any where we live.
Yup. Only get this kind of cuteness
in the suburbs.
Look at how sweet and happy
and unarmed they all are!
Are you using adorable
little children in costumes
to manipulate me?
- Bye!
I mean, did you even call
a real estate broker?
No.
I've got Pregnancy Brain like a fiddle
and I've been playing you like a fox.
# Oh, Canada... #
# Our home and native land... #
<i>I knew it would be tough
to break up with Naomi.
<i>But when it's just not
there, you can't force it.
Happy Halloween.
<i>And just like that, I was
taken back ten years...
<i>to the hopeful kid in
the hanging chad costume,
<i>falling head over heels
for the Slutty Pumpkin.
I made you something.
Your costume from that first night.
Although you do realize
that even ten years ago,
the hanging chad reference
was like almost a year old.
I can't believe you made this.
I can't believe you found me.
<i>Stay strong, Teddy. We can do this.
I...
<i>"Have to break up with
you," just say it.
<i>Love... Wait, what?
<i>No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
<i>Say sunsets! Pancakes! Anything!
<i>Just don't say...
You.
<i>No!
Barney? Where are you?
You're moving slower
than John Diefenbaker
climbing Mount Hungabee on Boxing Day.
Those are all real references
to our shared homeland.
I'll be right there.
Can't wait to see you in your
costume, Dudley Do-Right.
# Living in America #
# Eye to eye #
# Station to station #
<i># Living in America #
# Hand in hand #
# Across the nation #
<i># Living in America #
# Got to have a celebration #
# Rock my soul #
If we move here, you're
just going to have that baby,
and then you're going to hate me
for letting you do this.
I'm going to love it here.
We'd have so much
room in the suburbs.
You can get that pinball
machine you've always wanted.
You can put it anywhere you want.
Stop it. You don't know
what you're saying.
Anywhere.
Upstairs, downstairs...
you can stick it in the back.
Lily, I want to be
inside this house so bad.
USA! USA!
USA!
Come on!
Okay, so rather than
wearing a Mountie costume
and end this forever,
you show up shirtless
to an outdoor party?
It's practically November.
No biggie. I ain't cold.
Interesting.
It's fascinating.
Almost as if your body was
accustomed to low temperatures
after generations of adapting.
Canada.
No.
Guys, hey. Robin,
Barney, this is Naomi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Nice to meet you guys.
I'm gonna go make some Tootsie
Rolls. It's a drink I invented.
There's a song and dance
that goes along with
it, but I have to
drink three of them
before I can do it.
Okay. You go.
This way.
Sounds delicious. In theory.
But you never know
until you taste it.
Ted... have you tasted
her Tootsie Roll?
Of course not.
Wait. Have you?
You had sex with someone
you have zero feelings for!
U-S-A!
U-S...
Stop it.
Just no part of it felt right.
At first there was too much
eye contact, then not enough.
Where do you look during sex?
Into the hidden camera
at future me watching it.
Okay. Wait. How does
saying "I want to break up
with you" lead into sex?
I didn't say "I want to
break up with you," exactly.
What did you say, exactly?
"I love you."
Classic Schmosby.
Marshall, this house wants you so bad.
"Mow my lawn.
"Rake my leaves.
Winterize my pipes"
Yes!
Yes! I'm coming...
to terms with this decision!
Trick or treat!
Yay!
Okay.
Happy Halloween.
- Lily.
- Yeah?
You just gave those children
a stapler, a pair of sharp scissors,
and a pretty decent Pinot Noir.
I did?
My God.
I'm going to miss
that stapler so much.
I'm not doing so great, am I?
Maybe not.
We shouldn't make any
huge life decisions
right now, should we?
Look, I love you and I
love the idea of raising
our kids with a lawn and
a white picket fence,
but we have our whole
lives to decide when
and if we want to do that.
Do what?
Let's get you home.
That's for the stapler!
I hate the suburbs.
Naomi...
We have to end this.
I'm sorry, Tootsie Rolls make me
really honest.
Ted... I know you're super into me.
But we are terrible together.
Wait, what?
I've been trying, saying things
felt good that didn't just to...
I thought saying it was good
would make it feel good, but...
...it always felt off.
<i>Why won't he stop
sniffing my hair?
<i>And what's up with
the hand holding?
<i>It's like he's trying
to win a thumb war.
Ted, this is our song.
<i>No, he thinks I'm
actually into this song.
<i>Does he not get sarcasm?
Let's make love to this song.
<i>I'll just be even more ridiculous
<i>to make it clear it's a joke.
# Chickety-China, the Chinese chicken... #
I...
<i>Where you going with this, buddy?
...love...
<i>Nope, too soon.
<i>Say basset hounds, Pretzel
Crisps, anything but...
...you.
<i>God, just kiss him
before he proposes.
Ted, I've been looking
for the Hot Hanging Chad
for the last nine Halloweens.
I've waded through a sweaty parade
of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters,
Antoine Dodsons, and that jackass
who always dresses as laundry.
I hate that guy.
That's why, once I finally found you...
...it was hard to let you go.
Good-bye, Ted.
Let's just not touch ever again.
Probably a good idea, yeah.
Okay.
<i>Kids, after spending a decade
dreaming of the wrong girl,
<i>I wanted more than ever
for the next woman I met
<i>to be the real thing.
Yeah, I don't know, Barney,
she doesn't seem like my type.
I will kill you.
I'll see what I can do.
There, I'm Barney, how are you?
<i>No, I'm Barney.
You pack quite a wallop there.
Hope you didn't hurt your hand.
Why are you so nice?
Sorry about my thick noodle there.
How about we split
the cost of the vase?
Holy Zamboni.
You really put your
weight behind that one.
That was a really good one.
Heavens to Gretzky, that
was a real Chiclet rattler.

How I Met Your Mother - S07E07 - Noretta

<i>NARRATOR:
Kids, in the fall of 2011,
<i>all of my friends
were in relationships.
<i>So when Barney's brother James
came to visit,
<i>it created
a slight logistical problem.
We're gonna need a bigger booth.
I'm gonna go
to the loo.
I don't actually
have to go,
I just want a seat
all to myself.
So, would anyone care
to ask me where
Nora and I are
going tonight?
Don't ask him.
It's a trap.
- Where you going?
- Come on, man, for God's sake!
Bootytown, Kevin!
We are finally going
to Bootytown.
And that's why
we don't ask him.
I'm thinking I'm gonna hop on
the Long Thighland Expressway,
stop off for a nibble
in Breastport,
and then, with any luck,
I'll be pulling into
the Pork Authority by midnight.
<i>Wait. You're finally
going to Bootytown?
Look, we just don't want
to rush anything, okay?
So we decided to wait
until she decides
to let me have sex
with her.
And that's
gonna be tonight!
How do you
know for sure?
Ah, something
she said earlier.
Guess what, my sweet boy,
I've got a special treat
for you tonight.
(electric guitar riff plays)
Oh, yeah, you're going
to Bootytown.
Hello again, my darlings.
Barney, I hope you're ready
for tonight.
Because you're gonna have
to use muscles
you haven't used in years.
I am?
Yes.
And I hope you have
some aspirin at home,
because your arse is gonna be
killing you tomorrow.
It is?
Indeed.
Because tonight...
I'm strapping on this.
We're going skating!
The Pork Authority's
closed.
Looks like it's Hand
Central Station
for you, little buddy.
(Marshall chuckles)
So that's your special treat?
Ice skating?
Of course.
And after that,
we're gonna shag.
We're going ice skating,
everybody!
<font color=#00FF00>♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x07 ♪</font>
<font color=#00FFFF>Noretta</font>
Original Air Date on October 24, 2011
== sync, corrected by <font color="#00ff00">elderman</font> ==
Ask me what
I think of Nora.
What do you think of Nora?
Lovely girl.
Ask me what
I really think of her.
What do you really
think of her?
Guys, she's great, seriously.
Just drop it.
Ask me one more time.
What do you really think?
Fine! If you really must know,
I do not like Barney
with that woman!
Happy?
What could you possibly
not like about Nora?
Her hair?
Her mousy little nose?
The way she does
everything perfectly?
I mean, what's not to like?
It's not that I don't like her.
It's just...
She's our mom.
What do you mean,
she's your mom?
Everything about her
is vaguely our mom-like.
The British accent...
Hello again, my darlings.
<i>Mom's obsessed
with Julie Andrews,
<i>so when we were growing up...
(British accent):
Hello again, my darlings.
- Come here, you.
- Hey.
<i>And the way she hugs him.
<i>Left hand on the nape
of the neck,
<i>three gentle strokes on
the back with the right?
Come here, you.
<i>Trademark Loretta Stinson.
<i>But here's the clincher...
Guess what, my sweet boy.
Guess what
my sweet boy.
I've got a special treat
for you tonight.
I've got a special
treat for you tonight.
Ice cream!
(electric guitar riff plays)
They're coming.
Be cool.
Forgot my raincoat.
That makes one of us.
Well, shall we?
We shall.
Ooh, don't wear out
that tongue, Barney.
Don't wait up.
I mean, sure, Barney has slept
with plenty
of other people's mothers.
But now he's gonna sleep
with ours?
Psychologically speaking,
it's perfectly normal
to wind up with someone
like your parents.
Thanks to my mom, I'll probably
wind up with someone
who loves my brother
more than me.
Well, psychologically
speaking,
I'm gonna go
throw up now.
Oh...
Ugh! This baby
is making it
so I can't button
my pants anymore.
Big whoop.
In 55 years,
I don't think my dad
buttoned his pants even once.
And somehow, despite
sweet talk like that,
I don't feel sexy anymore.
Are you kidding?
I mean, you're-you're
even sexier now
that you're rounding out.
(gasps)
I mean, you're even
more sexy simply
because there's so
much more of you.
(gasps)
I'm never gonna get
in the mood while
your mammoth Eriksen seed
is muffin-topping
the bodiddly out of me.
Are you saying,
"No erky-erky
until this baby
pops out"?
Okay, that's it.
I-I am making it my mission
to help you feel sexy again.
I don't care how much
more bloated you get.
I'll get the
next round!
Kevin!
Yay, Kevin, thank you!
So, Ted, you're cool
with Kevin, right?
I know he's been
over a lot lately.
Oh, yeah, yeah, Kevin's great.
I mean, there was, like,
one weird thing the other day...
He was just standing
there in his boxers?
Yeah.
I'll talk to him.
Ted...
be honest.
You'd bang Lily, right?
<i>NARRATOR:
So, later that night,
<i>Barney and Nora went skating.
Hey, kid, you know
how your mom won't
let you have ice cream
till after dinner?
But then the waiting
kind of makes it taste better?
Well, I've been waiting
two months
for that bowl
of ice cream.
And tonight,
I'm gonna have sex with it.
Look, Barney,
one foot!
Oh!
<i>NARRATOR:
Now, kids, for most guys,
<i>this would have meant
the end of the date.
<i>But your Uncle Barney
is not most guys.
I can turn this around.
Well, I'm impressed
that you know
a 24-hour dentist.
Oh, yeah.
He can also give you tattoos,
do your taxes
and alter a suit.
But I wouldn't trust him
with a suit 'cause...
(glugging)
Speaking of drinking,
you want to...?
No, Barney.
Tonight's been
a disaster.
I think we should just
call it a night.
No! Come on, Nora,
your tooth can't be that bad.
Let me see.
W-Which is the fake one again?
(chuckles)
You look beautiful.
Mmm.
All right, maybe I could go
for one more drink.
Great.
(electric guitar riff plays)
It's funny.
Sometimes the most
romantic moments
can just creep up on you...
(gasping)
(whimpering)
(rat squeals)
(gasps)
I can turn this around.
Hey, um,
should've mentioned this before,
but, um, Ted and I prefer
that our guests remain
fully clothed in
the public areas
of the apartment.
Been some complaints.
Did Ted say something?
Oh, th-there's been
some complaints.
Not pointing any fingers
or anything,
but let's just keep
those pants on, okay? Good talk.
Well, if Ted said that,
I've got something to complain
about, too: Ted's nuts.
Okay, yes, Ted is a little
neurotic, but I wouldn't say...
<i>No, no, no, I mean Ted's nuts.
Hi.
Hey.
(sighs)
(sighs)
So what? It's his apartment.
You're taking his side?
Wait, this isn't
one of those classic
"You still have feelings
for your ex-boyfriend,
"who's oddly also your roommate,
"which for the record
I'm totally cool with,
"even though everybody
tells me I've walked
into a bear trap" things, is it?
No, I just, I feel bad.
Ted's going through
some stuff right now.
You eyeballing his deal
is the most action
he's gotten in months.
I'll be nice to him.
So, I was trying
to think of how
to best express
how sexy you are to me.
A song? A poem?
And then it hit me:
a board game!
<i>You just get women.
No, no, no, you'll like this.
We answer risqué questions
and perform spicy dares
to slowly move up
your shapely legs.
I call it Chutes and Lilies.
I would've guessed Monopo-Lily.
Yeah, that would've been better.
Okay, game play.
Roll the die to see
who goes first,
forfeit a turn on a pass--
intended for two-to-six players.
<i>NARRATOR: As Marshall explained the many
rules of Chutes and Lilies,
<i>Lily thought back
to what Kevin said in the bar.
It's perfectly normal to wind up
with someone like your parents.
<i>And then she thought of
the only other man she knew
<i>who loved board games
that much.
I brought Diseases!
Marshgammon.
Dog Fight Promoter!
Lilial Pursuit.
And that's how you play
the game.
Oh, wait.
I forgot to tell you
what happens
if I land on "community chest."
Honk-honk.
(laughs)
(groans)
I just want to go home,
take a long bath
and go to bed.
No!
I mean, come on.
My place is so much closer.
I'll-I'll draw you a bath,
pour you some champagne,
we can forget all about this.
All right,
that sounds good.
(electric guitar riff plays)
(sighs)
That bath was
wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Of course.
What do you say we go
out on the balcony,
get some fresh air?
Ooh, that sounds lovely.
What a beautiful view.
I couldn't agree more.
MAN:
Good-bye, cruel world!
Oh, my God!
I can turn this around.
Shh.
(thud)
Ooh!
Ooh! Date night.
You know what? I'll just,
just watch this in my room.
Already had dinner in there,
why not a movie?
You should join us.
Yeah, join us.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
Three's a crowd.
Besides, you guys wouldn't
want to watch this anyway.
Try us.
<i>Well, have you seen Die Hard?
Um, yes.
Okay, the guy who played Argyle
produced this documentary
about coin collecting.
Now, I know my sexy
little lady can't resist
a bubble bath,
especially one
with rose petals.
Oh, thanks, baby.
(chuckles)
(shudders)
How about a sensual backrub?
(shudders)
Mm.
- Oh.
- What's the matter, Lilypad?
You love my backrubs.
Ah. I-I do... very much.
Good, because I got you
a brand-
new...
loofah!
(crying)
Oh, yeah!
Rubs... oh, yeah!
Trying to watch the coin
documentary over here.
Hey, Ted, ever figure out who
you're taking to that concert?
No.
- You want to go?
- (whispers): Sure.
- Really?
- Awesome!
It's a date!
<i>NARRATOR: Now, Kevin,
as a trained psychologist,
<i>knew the appropriate way
to voice his displeasure.
I think we need
to calmly discuss
the relationship dynamics
at play here.
I'm uncomfortable
with how close you two are
as roommates, given your
particular romantic history.
<i>NARRATOR: Instead, he took
a different approach.
Aw, hell no!
If you can go on a date
with my girlfriend,
I don't have to wear pants
in your apartment!
I can't wait till
this baby comes out
so we can get started
on another one.
Then again,
why wait?
Ew, wait...
Get off of me!
Damn it!
Ever since Kevin said
it's normal to wind up
with your parents,
I... I keep picturing yo
as my dad.
Lily, that theory is crazy-town.
How do you know?
Because my mother is
six-foot-three,
she buys her clothes
at the drugstore,
and she prefers
to trap her own dinner.
I love you more than anything,
and you're nothing like her.
Aw.
Now, that's how
you turn a girl on.
- Mm...
- Mm...
<i>NARRATOR: But then Marshall
really started thinking
<i>about Kevin's theory.
Midnight snack.
Midnight snack.
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah...!
I am gonna rock...
your...
world.
Yay.
If it's any consolation,
<i>the, uh... the guy stole my
Wall Street Journal once.
So... guess the world's kind
of a better place without...
Oh, God, this
night's ruined.
Oh, come here, you.
Yes, it's been
a very tough night,
but I still think
we can turn this around.
Really?
Why not?
No sense in letting things
get us down.
How does that song
go again?
♪ Raindrops on roses
and whiskers on kittens ♪
♪ Bright copper kettles
and warm woolen mittens ♪
♪ Brown paper packages tied up
with strings ♪
♪ These are a few
of my favorite things ♪
♪ When the dog bites ♪
♪ When the bee stings ♪
♪ When I'm feeling sad ♪
♪ I simply remember
my favorite things ♪
LORETTA:
♪ And then I don't feel ♪
♪ So bad. ♪
(sobbing softly)
Mommy, no.
I want to thank you,
baby, for reminding me of
what a vivacious woman I am.
Yeah.
No, uh, no need really.
Whoa, but I've been
such a naughty girl.
Maybe I need a spanking.
Great. We'll...
we'll just skip
the board games
and get right down to me
making love to you.
Oh...
Okay, good, 'cause
I'm gonna ride you
like an unbroken stallion.
Okay.
Giddyup, cowgirl.
No, I can't go
through with this!
Thank God, me neither!
You're too much
like my dad.
<i>You're too much
like my dad.
Your dad?!
Okay, dropping trou--
bad idea.
We're moving on from that.
This guy is a snake.
What?! No.
Ted? He's a nice guy.
A really, really nice guy.
You should be more like him.
Mom, right on schedule.
- What?
- Nothing.
I'm just saying,
you think he's so fragile,
and yet...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, fragile?
You think I'm fragile?
Yeah, fragile like a fox.
First, he tries
scaring me off
with his little peep show.
Then he crashes our movie.
Now, he's got tickets to
some super romantic concert.
It's Weird Al Yankovic.
Okay. But still, who's the first
person he asked to go with him?
My girlfriend.
(laughs)
Oh, man. Okay.
You think I'm the first
person Ted asked?
(laughs)
Ted, am I the first person
you asked?
Marshall...!
You, me, Weird Al.
No thanks, Ted.
Barney...!
I got two tickets
to Weird Al Yan...
(phone beeps off)
Barney?
Lily...!
Come on! You'll be
the hottest girl there!
Okay, you'll be
the only girl there.
(phone beeps off)
Stuart...!
Claudia...!
Brad...!
Nat-alie...!
Trudy...!
Ranjit...!
Carl the bartender...!
Dude from my bodega...!
Steam cleaning coupon guy...!
Mom...!
Please? I'll fly you out.
I don't think so.
I'm sorry, sweet pea.
Is Clint there?
No.
Wow. You really
are pretty fragile.
Look, I'm trying to explain
to you guys that I'm...
Well, how do you
expect me to feel?!
I mean, all I want
is for someone to go
to a Weird Al concert with me,
and I'm stuck going
with my roommate.
Yeah, I might have to
rain-check you there, buddy.
I'm not a Weird Al fan.
He's just a rip-off
of Peculiar Jacques.
(accordion playing "O Canada")
(boing)
Guess I'm going to
this concert alone.
I'll be that weird guy.
I mean, that
other weird guy.
You know, there is one guy
you didn't ask yet.
Someone who happens to be
the biggest Weird Al fan
in the whole world.
Kevin...?
Ted...!
Oh! Oh, you are gonna flip
when you see our tickets.
They're in the shape
of an accordion.
(falsetto):
What?!
So, uh, you
like Weird Al?
Not in the slightest.
No, dude, I'm the biggest
Weird Al fan.
I know,
I'm agreeing with you.
Do you know that I gave him the
idea for "Like a Surgeon." Yeah.
Yeah. I wrote him a fan letter,
and then a few months later...
ALL: Bam!
Top of the charts!
You guys can eat it.
Just... eat it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd it go with Nora?
Well, among other things,
I realized
Nora's a lot like my mom.
I'll bet that
ruined things, huh?
(electric guitar riff plays)
Come on. Barney Stinson
always turns it around.
- How?
- Simple.
I turned...
it... around.
OTHERS: Oh...
Uh-huh? Uh-huh?
So the mom thing wasn't
a total deal breaker, huh?
No!
Guys, my mom is
the best person I know.
If Nora's even the tiniest bit
like her, I'm a lucky guy.
Hey, you know what?
I'm a real lucky guy.
'Cause I married my dad.
Aw.
So, uh, you want
to go get luckier?
Bye, guys.
See ya.
So, what should
we do now?
"We" should do nothing.
You guys get out of here,
go watch your movie.
I'm fine. Really.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Thanks, buddy.
Uh, hey... hey, Kevin.
I think I'm a clone now.
(laughs)
I'm sorry.
Were you just quoting Weird Al?
I was indeed.
I'm a huge Weird Al fan.
Well, then I need
to buy you a drink.
I'll have a glass of champagne,
sweet pea.
One glass of champa--
Sweet pea?
Sure. Meeting
a fellow Weird Al fan?
That's cause
for celebration.
Bottle of bubbly,
coming right up!
(chuckles)
(sighs)
"Dear Mr. Yankovic,
"my name is Ted Mosby...
"eight years old...
'Eat It' changed my life..."
Blah, blah, blah.
Uhp. Here we go.
"I have some ideas
for new songs you could do."
Why can't they just
leave me alone?!
"Wake Me Up Before You Pogo."
Spend a whole afternoon
on that one?
"Like a Surgeon."
(scoffs)
♪ I finally made it
through med school ♪
♪ Somehow I made it through,
ooh... ♪
Vinny!
Start recording!

How I Met Your Mother - S07E06 - Mystery Vs. History LOL

<i>NARRATOR: By the fall of 2011,
technology had taken
<i>a lot of the intrigue
out of life.
<i>The Internet had everyone's
wall of information.
<i>Nothing was a mystery anymore.
<i>But, kids, there was
a time before that,
<i>way back in the dark ages.
Are you people insane?!
The most popular food in America
is the cheeseburger!
No way! It's pizza!
Are we forgetting about
a certain Mr. Furter,
first name Frank?
Um, what did every kid
bring in their lunchbox
every day till
grade eight?
Pancakes with
maple syrup.
Thanks, Canada.
<i>We're looking for a food
the average American eats.
MARSHALL: Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh!
Chinese food.
<i>And then came the smartphone.
Hey, remember
when we were arguing about
the most popular food?
It's bread.
OTHERS:
Hm.
<i>And the barroom debate
was dead.
<i>BARNEY:
You guys are idiots!
<i>NARRATOR: Okay, not completely dead.
You are seriously telling me
you don't want
to open that envelope
and find out if you're
having a boy or a girl?
Nope. Dr. Sonya only gave us
this in case we wanted to know.
But we don't.
Lilypad and I are just gonna
wait till that baby pops out
and enjoy the big surprise.
Look, I have pretended
to be a licensed therapist
enough times to know
there is something unhealthy
about your not wanting
to find out.
- Back me up here, Kev.
- No, no, no, no, no.
This real therapist
won't risk upsetting
his wonderful new girlfriend by
analyzing her wonderful friends.
No matter how mentally
unbalanced they may be.
I hear you.
I don't think you do.
We just don't want to
burden our little angel
with all kinds of
gender-specific expectations.
Boys can do ballet;
girls can play football.
Hell, the Green Bay
Packers have been
proving that for years.
That would've gotten
a big laugh at a sports bar.
Well, I say define
gender roles early.
All the other girls
got a pretty dress
and a cake when
they turned 14.
Me...
I want to go home, Daddy!
That direction is
nothing but wolves.
And 40 kilometers that way
is the mining town of Smithers.
I'd take my chances
with the wolves.
I'll see you in three days.
Well, wait, wh-what
am I supposed to eat?
Hey, you've got a knife,
the forest is full of animals--
what do you want, a buffet?
Papa...!
Happy birthday, son...!
Got any thoughts
on that, Doc?
<i>If you guys think I'm going near
that, you're crazy.
Why'd you
emphasize "you're"?
No reason.
You're pretty.
<font color=#00FF00>♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x06 ♪</font>
<font color=#00FFFF>Mystery vs. History</font>
Original Air Date on October 17, 2011
== sync, corrected by <font color="#00ff00">elderman</font> ==
By the way, do you guys want
to come over tomorrow night
for sangria and tapas?
<i>Si. Muchas gracias.
That sounds awesome.
Great. We're also
gonna paint the nursery.
Oh, and a quick update
on the sangria and tapas--
that's cancelled.
Mmm...
Guess what smooth
son of a bitch
just picked up
a girl at the bar?
Barney, you're cheating
on Nora already?
<i>No, guys, it's me.
Janet McIntyre.
Struck up a conversation
at the bar
while ordering, she guessed
bread right away,
we laughed, it was
a thing, boom, going
out tomorrow night.
- So, she said yes just like that?
- Just like that.
BARNEY/ROBIN: There's
something wrong with her.
No, no, no, no.
Stop it. They
always do this.
Every time I go
on a first date,
they snap right into
research mode.
<i>It started by accident.
(phone rings)
Ooh.
Hello?
Ted, we did a little
Internet research
on your Mia Plumley.
BARNEY:
We just sent you
a picture of her
from six months ago.
I don't understand--
is Mia standing behind
this morbidly obese wo...
(gasps) Oh, my God!
They had cookies and cream.
And what you were saying
about how women feel
they have to starve themselves
makes so much sense.
Ooh, hot dogs. Score!
<i>After that, background checks
<i>became standard
operating procedure.
The date with Nadine went great.
Unless you guys found something.
Are you sitting down?
No.
She's wanted in Florida
on crystal meth charges.
She breeds pit bulls
for dog fighting.
- Also, the FBI...
- What's this link?
Oh, she also writes
online movie reviews.
Anyway, she's still married to
a death row inmate convicted...
<i>She gave Annie Hall
two out of ten stars?
(gasps)
"Slow and overrated"?
<i>Really? That's
your takeaway?
It's the Wood Man at
the height of his powers.
The way he broke the fourth wall
by talking directly to camera?
People have been
ripping that off ever since.
Can you believe this guy?
Paula Vincenzo.
She's in the bathroom.
What's wrong with her?
Total psycho.
Her Facebook wall
has a link to a site about
dating inanimate objects.
For most of last year,
she was engaged...
to a mini fridge.
And there's pictures:
her and the mini
fridge on a hike,
her and the mini fridge
in wine country,
here's the mini fridge
meeting her parents...
Run like the wind.
(footsteps approaching)
So... want to go
back to my place?
Yeah, all right.
Well, thanks to us,
you ran screaming from
that freak show, right?
- Absolutely.
- Cuckoo!
So what's the problem?
You need us.
No, I don't, okay?
I don't want a
background check.
I want adventure
and excitement.
Look, if it's
a choice
between mystery
and history,
I want mystery.
In fact...
Ted, I wouldn't...
Uh, Janet.
I have a theory.
People don't get the chance
to just discover
each other anymore, so...
here's my idea.
Before we go out tomorrow,
let's not do any prior
Internet research on each other.
It sounds like I'm hiding something
horrible, doesn't it?
I'm pretty sure
you're a serial killer.
I'm not. I'm not.
It's just, you know, like,
when my parents met,
they didn't have the Internet--
they just went out
on a blind date
and fell in love.
That's nice.
And they're still together?
Right up to the divorce.
The point is, I'd love
to get to know you
in person, not on my computer.
I like that.
What started out
sounding really creepy
turned out really sweet.
That's kind of my move.
(laughs)
And she was
on board with the whole
"no Internet" thing?
She loved it.
The bitch is
hiding something.
The bitch is totally
hiding something.
Hey, Ted, before you leave--
is Janet McIntyre
M-A-C or M-C?
For the last time,
I don't want to know
anything about her
before the date.
You might want to see this,
Ted-- naked pictures.
That's not Janet.
Who, now?
Seriously...
if you guys respect
me as a friend...
stop looking.
Well, Ted was pretty
clear there, so...
let's shut those laptops
and go help Lily and Marshall,
just like we promised.
Let's leave
the laptops here
and go paint that baby room.
Without laptops.
Or bring the laptops.
Either way.
This is exciting.
I give you...
the color our child
will grow up with.
Yellow, like the sun.
Or daughter.
Pun snuggle.
Oh, God, this room's about
to get its first spit-up.
Just open the envelope already!
Kevin, will you please
tell Barney that it is
perfectly normal for us to want
to preserve the mystery.
I'm not here to analyze; I'm
here to win boyfriend points.
By the way, you all
look great, especially Robin.
Come on, if you don't
know the gender,
you're gonna get generic crap
at the baby shower.
But if you do know the gender,
you'll get, oh,
I don't know, this!
Marshall! Lights!
Okay.
(dance music playing)
BARNEY: When little Jack's
not turning double plays,
he's turning heads with this
home run of an outfit!
And if it's a little girl...
<i>This royal ensemble
may leave you speechless,
but it's sure to make
little Sally say,
"I wuv you, Mommy,
and I wuv my dress,
and I would love
to see you in the shower."
Sorry, I kind of fell out of
character in that last part.
But if you don't
know the gender...
Little Fran is sure to be
the pariah of the playground
in this hermaphroditic
burlap sack.
♪ ♪
Marshall! Lights!
Barney,
you don't really care abo'.
No. You just
can't stand
not knowing something.
That's ridiculous!
Marshall, will you...
will you hold
these for a second?
Yeah, sure. Why?
Because I gots to know!
Oh, Barney, no!
Help! Get him off of me!
(all shouting) Everybody hold it!
Hold it!
I found Janet McIntyre,
who's been widowed three times.
She's obviously
killing her husbands!
Oh, my God!
They're six minutes
into the date.
Ted's probably already told her
that he loves her!
We've got to get down there!
(all shouting)
Nobody's going anywhere!
Why?!
<i>NARRATOR:
Kids, at that moment,
<i>Kevin thought back
to his earlier rule...
This real therapist
won't risk
upsetting his wonderful
new girlfriend
by analyzing her
wonderful friends.
<i>...and threw it out the window.
You're all the most
codependent, incestuous,
controlling group of
people I've ever met!
By the way, you all look
great, especially Robin.
Oh, mm-mm.
This is so great.
Right? See, if we'd
researched each other,
we'd both be secretly
steering the conversation
one way or the other.
But this is
more exciting, right?
Way more exciting.
I mean, we can talk
about anything we want.
Anything. (laughs)
(mellow jazz playing)
So...
...how was the traffic
getting here?
You picked me up
at my apartment.
I certainly did.
<i>TED:
Oh, my God,
<i>I've lost the ability to talk
to girls without the Internet.
<i>My brain is
completely shutting down.
So, are you folks gonna have
dinner or just drinks?
(laughing)
I-I don't know.
What the hell
was that, Kevin?
We're all crazy just because
I'm looking up some stuff
on the Internet,
and Barney wants
to know the baby's gender?
Well, to be honest,
I noticed some
other disturbing...
Never mind.
It's nothing. I'm sorry.
I gots to know!
Okay, last night alone...
When-When are you coming back?
Because I miss you, silly!
Wait, who's he talking to?
Shh, I'll be back soon.
Yeah, you want me
to bring you a pretzel?
(ding)
Ted's texting me
from the bathroom.
(laughter)
ALL: Oh.
I don't get it.
- It's just a "C" with an apostrophe.
- Oh.
ROBIN:
Oh, yeah.
Sometimes when one
of us is on the can,
we'll, uh, sneak a peek
and then text each other,
you know.
Symbols to describe what your
bowel movement looks like?
(laughter)
This morning,
I took an ampersand.
Last summer,
I dropped a deuce
that actually looked
like the number two!
(ding)
When you worked
late Wednesday,
I... I got
lonely and...
<i>I watched Survivor
without you.
(ding)
Practically the only unhealthy
behavior I didn't see
from you people
was physical violence.
(grunting)
(grunting)
Yeah.
At least we don't do that.
And to top it off,
all the meddling
in Ted's love life,
not to mention Lily's pregnancy?
It all strikes me as
just deeply dysfunctional.
So what you're saying is,
we're fine?
(ding)
So, while this font is often
mistaken for Helvetica,
the fact is...
it's Helvetica Bold.
<i>I can actually hear the sound
<i>of her vagina being boarded up.
I got to be honest, Janet.
First of all...
this is Times New Roman.
Second, I'm having trouble
coming up with things
to talk about.
You? I'm sitting here thinking,
"Damn it, I wish I had something
as good as that font thing.
That's gold."
Guys, I'm so sorry
I said anything.
Um, you basically called
my friends mentally ill.
Yeah, you think some lame
apology will fix that?
What if I just paint the rest
of the room by myself?
ROBIN, LILY & MARSHALL:
Apology accepted.
Okay, let's do this.
Let-Let's find out
each other's likes and dislikes.
Start with something
totally random.
Like, um, oh, I don't know.
Are you a fan of--
I don't know--
<i>Annie Hall?
I'm guessing that's not random
at all, and you use that movie
to test whether a girl is cool?
No, it's-it's the first movie
that popped into...
<i>I love Annie Hall.
Oh, thank God you're cool.
<i>NARRATOR:
But just as things started
<i>to go well
with Janet McIntyre...
Whoa. I just found
Janet McIntyre.
<i>The Janet McIntyre.
BOTH:
Sweet... mother... of God!
(laughs)
(phone chimes)
Uh, well, I got to
run to the restroom.
No internet, Mister.
If you find out my deep, dark
secret, I'll have to kill you.
It's just my friends
checking up on me.
I'll politely let them know
we're having a lovely time.
Okay.
Ted says, "I'm not clicking on
the link, so leave me alone."
And then either texted me a
bunch of symbols for profanity,
or got food poisoning
and dropped the weirdest deuce
of all time.
You guys have
to see this.
No. We're with
Ted on this.
We don't want to
find out about Janet,
just like we don't want to
find out about the baby.
Because we like mystery,
whether it's the hairy
majesty of Bigfoot,
or the bloodsucking ferocity
of the Chupacabra,
or the gender
of our little miracle.
Thanks for putting
those together
in the same
sentence, sweetie.
Mm.
Look, if you guys don't want
to know, how about this?
Let me look,
and I won't tell you.
Absolutely not.
Fine.
(gasping)
Baby, if it will shut him up,
what's the harm?
Can I...?
(muttering)
(both giggling)
This may have been a mistake.
Boy!
Do I like babies!
Girl!
...friend,
your hair looks
fantastic!
Twins!
was the feel-good movie of 1988.
Okay, Barney, hey, it doesn't
matter what you guys say.
We're not gonna cave.
Yes, we are!
Oh, just open
your eyes.
This gender-neutral
yellow is horrible!
We're clearly gonna paint
over the whole thing!
That's what you want to hear.
I gots to know!
Yeah.
"It's a..."
It's a...
Where is the rest
of the card?
I ripped it in half.
I knew you'd be
desperate to see it,
and I'll give it to you.
All you have to do is admit
that mystery is stupid
by reading
about Janet McIntyre.
This is in no way
emotional extortion.
You guys are great.
Fine, we'll look
at your laptop.
BOTH:
Sweet...
mother... of God.
I can't really see
the computer screen.
It just went down
the wrong pipe.
(phone chimes)
<i>TED:
Whoa.
<i>If Lily and Marshall want me
to click on it,
<i>maybe Janet really does have
a deep, dark secret.
What's going on?
I'm a prostitute.
You didn't think I was
actually into you, did you?
Sort of.
(laughter)
<i>TED:
Get it together, Mosby.
Oh.
(sighs)
You don't buy beer,
you rent it.
Am I right?
This is the
men's room.
I know.
I'm a dude.
(gasps)
(sighs)
Listen, there's something
you should know.
I lied.
<i>I only kind of liked Annie Hall.
(gasps)
<i>TED:
I gots to know!
Sweet...
mother... of God.
Hey.
(sighs)
Ted, are you okay?
You look freaked out.
I'm not freaked out.
<i>NARRATOR:
I was freaked out. Why?
<i>'Cause I had just discovered
that Janet McIntyre was...
<i>amazing!
<i>And just like that,
the wall went up.
Okay, he looked at
Janet McIntyre's
Internet
extravaganza.
Here's the other half
of the card.
Wait. Should we
do this? I...
I don't know.
I mean, my soul says no,
but these hideous
yellow walls scream yes.
Should I just stop, or...?
Sweet mother of God!
A dog in Ottawa ran all the way
to Saskatoon!
What?
We figured out the Janet thing.
I'm catching up on Canada.
(gasps)
You're with me on this, right?
Otherwise, I can go down,
and I can get the card.
Absolutely.
Oh, thank you.
<i>NARRATOR: And so the gender
remained a secret,
<i>but Janet McIntyre's life
no longer was.
<i>There was only one problem.
Ted, what's going on?
Nothing.
Did I mention
that I'm the youngest architect
in New York history
to have a skyscraper built?
Oh.
So, I'm not quite
as far beneath you
as you might think.
Why would I think that?
No reason, but this one time
in sixth grade,
I saw a raccoon trapped
in a gutter, and I told my dad,
and the firemen came
and got it out,
so it's not like I pulled a baby
from a creek or anything,
but at least
I didn't ignore it
and keep lighting bugs on fire
with my magnifying glass.
We had one promise,
and you broke it.
What are you talking about?
You looked me up, and now
you find me intimidating.
Why-Why would I find you
intimidating, okay?
It's not like
I donated a kidney,
but I donated blood once,
although I wound up fainting,
and they had to put it
all back in.
(sighs)
I was so excited about this.
But now you're just a blubbering
idiot like the rest of them.
No, I ain't!
I mean, no, I never do
that thing you says.
(sighs)
What I mean is,
you gooder than me
no make difference!
<i>And that's that.
I wish to God I'd never
clicked on that link.
I'm sorry, Ted.
We were just
trying to help.
I said it was meddling
and manipulative,
but Kevin insisted we butt in.
(ding)
No, it's my fault.
I never should have looked.
In the battle
of mystery versus history,
it's best
not to know.
Lily Pad?
What?
We're having a boy.
We're having a boy.
We're having a boy!
You're having a boy!
We're having a...
we're having a boy.
We're having a boy.
(laughter)
We're having
a boy.
I'll go buy
some blue paint.
It needs sharpening.
You see? I told you three days
would go by in no time.
Phineas, take us up!
Well, in case
you were wondering,
it rained the entire time
I was in the Caribbean.
Thank you for asking.
(howling)