How I Met your Mother - S02E17 - Arrivederci, Fiero

This is awesome.
I can't believe this
moment's finally here.
One more mile and my
little boy turns 200,000.
Your baby Fiero's grown into
a really old man Fiero.
And just like an old man,
he leaks fluid, smells stale,
makes weird noises
out the back.
Yeah, he does.
Hey, light up those cigars
in the glove compartment.
They're real Cubans.
I got 'em in Chinatown last year
just for this moment.
Uh, Marshall, I'm not saying
you were definitely ripped off,
but these are chopsticks
wrapped in napkins.
- What are you talking about?
- Whoa, pothole.
What? No. Oh. No.
No, no, no.
No, there's only .8 miles to go.
Come on, buddy.
Buddy!
Is it cool if I
still light these?
Transcript : Raceman
Subtitles : Willow's Team
www.forom.com
Kids, sometimes life forces us to
be someone we didn't want to be.
When that happens, we often try to hold
on to a little piece of who we were.
Maybe a tattoo.
Or a piece of jewelry.
A tiny souvenir that reminds us,
"This is who I really am."
Marshall's souvenir
was not so tiny,
but the more he found himself being
pushed toward the corporate world
and away from his dream of
saving the environment,
the tighter he held
on to that Fiero.
Hey.
One good thing: we're off the
hook for the folding party today.
Hey. It's very important
to both Lily and me
that there be a handmade origami
crane in each of our wedding's...
I couldn't even get through it.
Thank God.
Hey, your car's
going to be fine.
This is the best
auto shop around.
Look at this certificate.
One of the mechanics here
finished a 64-ounce steak.
Surprise.
We felt bad that you
guys were missing
the super-fun origami
folding party, so...
we suggested moving it here.
We insisted.
Terrific.
How's the Fiero?
She's still in triage.
She? I thought it
was your little boy.
Oh, it goes back and forth.
It's sort of a tranny car.
How long have you had her...
slash him?
My brothers handed it
down to me when I was 16.
Oh, how nice of them.
Not really.
Congratulations.
The Fiero is yours.
If you pass the final test.
Come on!
I already shaved my legs and
swallowed five dollars in quarters.
Only $4.50 has come out.
Just go to the
Weinerburger drive-thru
and get us 12 cups of coffee.
- That's it?
- Oh, yeah.
But we get to decide
what you wear.
Agreed. Totally agreed.
You're naked.
I'm aware of that.
You have 50 cents?
No...
Look, can I just have
my coffee, please?
Sorry, we're all out
of trays and lids.
Two tall guys just came through here
a few minutes ago and bought 'em all.
And that is the origin
of Marshall's insane
"no food or drinks in the Fiero,
not even groceries" rule.
It is not insane.
Barney. That's like the third one
in a row that you've screwed up.
Well, I'm trying, but it's...
Look. You fold twice to the middle,
fold back and forth, pull the ends out,
flip over, open the flaps, fold the
edges, crease the front, fold in half,
fold  the wings down, push in the bottom
corners, and fold the wings back out.
Or would you like one of my
kindergartners to show you?
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, I think I've got it.
No.
Forget it; the paper's too expensive.
You're out.
Aw, nerts.
The food rule is insane.
We could have died because of it.
- Remember the 100K fiasco?
- Ah, the Fiero-asco.
Dude, I told you that doesn't work.
It's the 100K fiasco.
- What's the 100K fiasco?
- The Fiero-asco?
It was just before winter break
our freshman year of college.
Marshall and I were roommates,
but we weren't really good friends yet.
I thought Ted was a
little bit pretentious.
And Marshall was a total slob.
Hey.
I'm driving my Fiero
back over break.
I know we see enough of
each other as it is,
but if you want a ride,
I could use the gas money.
You live in Ohio, right?
I could swing through and pick you up.
All right, first of all,
my parents live in Ohio.
I live in the moment.
Plus, Karen and I haven't seen
each other since Thanksgiving.
We're both really invested in making
this long-distance thing work, so...
All right, well,
call me if you change your mind.
My odometer's
going to hit 100K.
She'd be so bummed
if I left early.
It was totally mutual.
I mean, Karen brought it up first,
but I...
it was...
it was totally mutual.
I hear you.
So what's up with you and Lily?
Anything serious?
Yeah.
Dude, we're college freshmen.
I'm not going to get tied down by
the first chick I hook up with.
Lily's  cool, but this bird
you'll never chain, you know?
The next few hours of our
drive were classic road trip.
So... this song.
Oh, it's the best
song in the world.
It's the only song I like.
Just kidding.
Tape's been stuck in the player for,
like, two years.
Better than nothing, though.
Maybe.
I am so... sick...
of this song.
Don't worry.
It comes around again.
What do you mean?
# Just to be the man
who walks 1,000 miles #
# And falls down
at your door... #
Yeah, we totally
nailed the ending.
That was probably our best one.
Hey,  you want to
play Zitch Dog?
- What?
- Uh, it's a car game.
Every time you see a dog, you got to
be the first one to say, "Zitch dog."
- I'm pretty good, so...
- Zitch dog.
Well, no, I didn't know we had...
we'd started, but...
Okay, that's cool.
You got the first point.
- Zitch dog.
- Zitch dog. Damn it!
Are we still playing?
'Cause I wasn't... I wasn't really...
12-nothing.
Marshall.
- Marshall.
- Zitch dog, blue Suburban.
Damn it!
18-nothing.
Then Marshall,
who was so busy cheating at Zitch Dog,
got us totally lost.
Where the hell are we?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
I think you skipped something.
Really? Seems impossible.
Hey, we got some time.
What do you say we get off the highway,
take the road less traveled, you know?
Robert Frost.
Doesn't seem like a smart idea.
Too late.
I'm taking this exit.
Who's not fun
enough now, Karen?
Then we got lost.
Where the hell are we?!
- I'm pulling over.
- No, keep driving.
We're almost out of gas, and we
might not even be on a road anymore.
It's below zero out. If we pull over,
we could be snowed in for days.
Plus, I only have, like, six granola
bars and three bottles of water.
- Nah, I threw them out.
- What?!
No food or drink in the Fiero.
No food or drink in the F...? You
haven't washed your sheets since...
Thus began the longest
night of our lives.
Pretty sure that my
foot is frozen solid.
Marshall...
there's a very real chance that we're
gonna be snowed in here for days.
If I die first,
do whatever you need to survive.
Eat my flesh.
Slice me open like a
tauntaun, whatever.
Thanks, Ted.
You're a good friend.
And if I die first,
you just leave my body alone.
What?
I just said you could cut me
open and crawl inside me.
Yeah, don't do any of that stuff to me;
it skeeves me out.
But... but you're dead,
and I'm gonna die if I don't.
Wasn't an easy decision.
This is all because of
your insane no-food rule.
It's perfectly rational.
Hey! My spectacles!
Hey.
I know we're low on gas,
but can we turn on the
heat for just a minute?
Okay.
Dude...
I hate to say this...
but it's so cold...
there's only one way that we're
gonna make it through this night.
- We should've kept driving.
- Come on, Marshall.
No. No. We might die now.
I may never see Lily again.
I never told
anybody this, but...
I've known for a long time that
I'm gonna marry that girl.
If we survive this,
someday I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sorry about
your spectacles.
That's okay.
They were decorative.
Hey, Marshall.
Yeah?
Are you still
thinking about Lily?
Yeah.
Please stop.
And so Marshall and I thought we were gonna
die out there in the middle of nowhere.
But funny thing...
Hey. You lovers better
just keep on driving.
- Zitch dog!
- Damn it!
You said you were gonna
marry me that long ago?
That is so sweet.
That trip is when Marshall
and I became best friends.
With privileges,
from the sound of it.
Eriksen.
Wow.
Looks like he
really needs a hug.
Ted.
He said it would be at least
3,000 bucks to make it run again.
And even then,
there's no guarantee.
Well, it's a pretty old car.
Yeah. You can keep
prolonging its life,
but it's really mostly
machine at this point.
I know that it's
a lot of money,
but it's my Fiero, you know?
I'm about to graduate and take
some sellout corporate law job,
and without that Fiero,
I'm just another guy in a suit.
- How dare you...
- Hey.
I've been through so
much in that car.
The suicidal cat.
Hitchhiking Waldo.
The homeless guy who broke
in through the window
and threw up all
over the backseat.
Lily, don't.
Be strong. Do not go all
"prisoner's dilemma" on me.
The car's on its deathbed, Robin.
I have to clear my conscience.
Guys, what are
you talking about?
Okay. Shortly
after we met Robin,
she and I were jonesing for
Thai food from this one place.
An hour and a half delivery.
We can't wait that long.
I wish we could take the Fiero, but
Marshall has this insane no-food rule.
But Thai food, Lily.
Pad Yum Mao.
Tom Kai Gah.
Thai See Ran.
Oh! You're just saying random syllables,
and it still sounds delicious.
Okay. Here's what we'll do.
We'll drive over, pick it up,
have them double-bag it,
very carefully drive it back
here with the windows open,
and he'll never know.
Wow, these brakes
are really sensitive.
Oh, Marshall is gonna kill me!
This and the difference between "affect"
and "effect" are the only two things
he's really serious about.
- Lily, it's gonna be fine.
- No, it's not.
Marshall's gonna freak.
Oh, God, oh, God. What are we gonna do?
- Oh, God, oh...!
- Shut up!
Now, listen to me.
The clock is ticking.
Okay, first thing, we scoop up all
these little pieces of tofu and cabbage.
Next, what we need to take care
of are the really messy parts--
the pools that have collected.
We got to soak that soup up.
Last is the smell.
We got to cover up that Tom Kah Gai.
You mentioned cigars.
There's two in the glove compartment,
but he's been saving them.
Hand me those chopsticks.
Hey, how about some tunes?
Oh, great song.
These cigars aren't
helping at all.
Yeah. This was a terrible idea.
Now it just smells like a
homeless guy threw up in here.
The broken windows?
We had to make it
look realistic.
Why did you break two of them?
It looked like fun when she did it.
So I wanted to try.
Can't believe this whole
time it was you guys.
I've been blaming really
tanned dancing leotard guy.
Marshall, I'm so sorry,
but sharing that secret--
that's  when Robin and
I became best friends.
Wow. What a special car.
So, can I crush it into
a little cube yet?
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
Come on, Marshall.
This is your Fiero.
You know the right
thing to do here.
Wow, Barney,
why do you love that car so much?
Love it?
Hold on a second.
Love  it?
I hate it!
What? Why?
Why? Why?
Why?!
- Why?!
- Let me tell it.
It was last year during
the transit strike.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, is Marshall around?
I have a massage in Queens in
half an hour. I need a ride.
Uh, no, he's at the library all day.
Just take the keys.
Hey! Why don't you drive me?
It'll be like a
total road trip.
To Queens?
Yeah, we'll get,
we'll get beef jerky, Triscuits.
Uh, actually I have a
lot of work to do, so.
Okay. Well, anyway,
I'll cancel.
- See you later.
- Wait!
You know how to drive, right?
What, of course I know how to drive.
I love driving.
Hitting the road.
Cruising the lanes.
And braking.
Honking. Love it.
Except for lady drivers.
Don't get me started
on lady drivers.
- Which pedal's the gas?
- Trick question.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
- Middle, left, right?
I never learned how to drive!
I grew up in the city.
I never had a chance.
Well, guess what?
You're getting your chance.
Because I'm going to teach you.
Barney Stinson, buckle up.
This isn't right.
God never meant for us to travel
at such breakneck speeds.
Relax. You're doing great.
Ignore the old lady on the rascal;
this isn't a race.
Dude,  a dog.
Zitch dogs, this. Or nothing.
What do I do?
Tell me what to do, Ted.
Step on the brakes.
Sometime in the next 20 minutes.
Which? Which one's
the break again?
- The left one.
- Left. Oh, man, left.
- I'm totally blanking.
- Make the Ls.
Oh, we're not going to make it.
Why did you just
turn on the radio?
I don't know why I
turned on the radio!
We're going to die.
Tell me what to do, Ted.
Relax. You're being crazy.
- Help me, Ted! I'm being serious.
- Stop, drop and roll.
Screaming is fun!
Screaming is fun!
I can't move.
I can't... I can't feel my...
Wait.
Wait.
We're okay.
- We're okay.
- We're okay.
It's a miracle, Ted!
Wow. Sounds like you had
some accident in that car.
Actually, he had two accidents
if you add the fact that he...
ummina-hummina-hummina-hummina
ummina-hummina-hummina-hummina.
I shouldn't even be here,
thanks to that deathtrap.
But fate...
fate gave me a second chance.
And helped me realize that our days on
this planet are too few to squander.
So I decided from
that moment on
to continue living
life to its fullest.
So you made a life-changing decision
to not change your life at all.
True story.
Guys.
This Fiero's meant
a lot to all of us.
Friendships were made.
Adventures had. Horrors faced.
That's why we have
to get rid of it.
- Yes!
- What?
It's lived a great life and it
deserves to die with dignity.
But 200,000...
But that's life. You know?
You never end up where you
thought you wanted to be.
I'm not helping
the environment.
Ted's not a philosopher.
Lily's not not a
world-famous artist.
Barney's never driven more
than ten miles an hour.
Robin, I'm sure, has also experienced
disappointment in her life.
Maybe?
And my Fiero's not a Fiero
that went 200,000 miles.
It's okay. You know?
Those are old dreams.
We'll get a new car and we'll fill
that one up with new memories.
And that'll be the car we had
when we were first married.
When we owned our first house.
Maybe even the first car
our four kids remember.
That's so sweet.
The first car our
two kids remember.
I would like to say good-bye.
You know what?
This Fiero,
it's effected all our lives.
- Affected.
- That's what I said.
Just making sure.
Got us all a lot of places.
I mean maybe it's time
we return the favor.
This Fiero should have
made it to 200,000.
So, let's get it out that door.
And we'll push it
the last .7 miles.
It'd do the same for us.
Hey, geniuses.
The back wheels are on blocks.
That car ain't going anywhere.
- Close enough!
- Close enough!
And so Marshall said
good-bye to his Fiero.
And as the car's
final gift to us all,
the money he got for scrap parts paid
our bar tab for the next two nights.
Arrivederci, Fiero!
You were the freaking
giving tree of cars.
May you rust in peace.
Rot in hell, devil steed.
And what better friend
is there than that?
Bro. Have you heard
this new song?
I just got the cassingle.
Put it in.
I am never going to
get sick of this song.
Never, ever, never,
never, ever.
Yeah!