How I Met your Mother - S02E03 - Brunch

It was taken back in 2006, when
Grandma and Grandpa came to visit me
and we all went out to brunch.
We all look pretty
happy, right?
Wrong.
I wish your face
would melt off.
I wish your eyeballs
would explode.
- I hate you.
- I hate you more.
- I'm going to kill him.
- I can't say I blame you.
No, I mean I'm seriously
going to kill him.
I don't care how unpleasant it is.
You have to talk to him.
- Not now.
- Okay, if you don't, I will.
Robin...
Okay, for any of this to make sense,
you got to understand,
there are three
parts to this story.
Let's start with the
Marshall and Lily part.
As a 30th anniversary gift, I had flown
my parents to New York for the weekend.
Oh, I forgot to tell you,
your cousin Jimmy
had a wonderful time at
that spa he visited.
You mean the spa the judge ordered
him to go to to quit cocaine?
Coffee?
Now, Grandma and Grandpa didn't
like to talk about things
that were
uncomfortable, emotional,
or in any way... real.
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Mosby.
Oh, Lily! Hi, Marshall.
Good to see you.
I was just stopping by to
pick up some of my things.
Yes, we were so sorry
to hear about your...
you know, the, the...
Well...
Lily calling off the
wedding and dumping me?
Me begging Marshall to take
me back and him rejecting me?
I love your hair.
This was only the second
time Marshall and Lily
had seen each other
since breaking up,
but to their credit,
it wasn't that awkward.
Actually, we're cool.
We just divided up CDs.
It was all very civil.
I'm proud of us;
we're, we're good.
Well, we were all going to
go to Casa a Pezzi at 8:00.
Lily, would you
like to join us?
Um...
What?
Well, I-I don't want to go if it
would make you uncomfortable.
Why would it?
Well, I mean, yeah, we're...
we're good,
but you got to admit there's
that stuff between us.
Um, not for me.
Now it's just like
we're friends.
It's like we're
brother and sister.
"Brother and sister"?!
Okay. Fine, yeah,
I'll see you at the restaurant, bro.
See? Not awkward at all.
- Hello, everyone.
- Hi.
Hello, Marshall.
Lily, that is a stunning dress.
Oh, thanks.
It's kind of revealing,
but I thought,
"Hey, we're all
family." Right, bro?
What's wrong?
Oh, I,
I hurt my ankle in yoga today.
The instructor told me to
just take deep breaths
to get through
the pain, just...
Are you all right?
You're kind of sweating.
No, I'm fine. It's just...
this roll is really spicy.
Lily is evil!
She just wore that
dress to torture me.
Well, you know what?
Two can play at that game.
See, at brunch,
I'm going to torture Lily right back.
Yeah. There's a part of my body
that she's got a weakness for, too.
Dude, you can't whip
that out at brunch.
No, not that.
I'm going to unleash my calves.
That's crazy.
Nobody's turned on
by men's calves.
They're a thoroughly
unerotic body part.
Well, yeah, I'd say that, too, if I
had those skinny little chicken legs.
I'll be waiting by the
phone for your apology.
So Marshall showed up
at brunch with a plan.
- Hello.
- Oh, hi.
- Hey, Marshall.
- Hey.
Hey. How are you feeling?
You looked kind of
feverish last night.
Oh, no, I actually feel great.
It is kind of warm in here,
though, isn't it?
Oh, I don't know,
if anything, it's kind of...
What are you doing?
Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.
I'm  just making myself feel a
little bit more... comfortable.
Oh.
Oh, yes.
I've been doing all these
toe lifts lately, and so...
my calves have really
been cramping up.
Take off your dress.
Take off the rest
of your pants.
I really wasn't
expecting that to happen.
Yeah, me neither. It kind of
complicates things, doesn't it?
Yeah, it does. Why did you have to
throw your magnificent calves at me?
You know you have
a punter's leg.
Well, why did you have to throw
your beautiful boobs at me?
You know you have... boobs.
Just admit it,
you came here trying to seduce me.
Seduce you? You seduced me.
You  sat down next to me and
took most of your pants off.
You went to San Francisco
for three months.
How is that seducing you?
Well, it's not but I'm
still mad about it.
All right, that's it--
I want The Beatles Anthology.
Oh, well, that's too bad;
I'm keeping it.
And you know the U2
box set I gave you?
Look inside--
all Dave Matthews.
You are evil.
Smile.
I'm going to kill him.
I can't say I blame you.
No, I mean I'm seriously
going to kill him.
Now let's talk about the
Barney part of the story.
This was going to be Robin's
first time meeting my parents,
so  we were both
a little nervous.
Barney, what are
you doing here?
Uh... I'm here to
meet your parents.
They must be dying
to meet me after all
the legendary Barney
stories you've told them.
I haven't told them any
legendary Barney stories.
What?
Barney, here is a list of all the things
I talk with my dad about: baseball.
But I'm your best friend.
Well, actually Marshall's my...
I'm the most important
person in your life.
Well, Robin's actually...
How could your parents
not know about me?
I'm delightful.
To us, sure, in very small,
infrequent doses.
I mean, come on,
you're not exactly the kind of friend
parents want their kid to have.
Oh, really?
Then I guess those
shoes aren't the thing
you're most wrong about today.
- Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
- Ted.
I know you've all been
excited to meet...
Barney Stinson.
An honor to meet the two of you.
That needlepoint "Bless This
Mess" pillow you made for Ted--
what a stitch.
Stitch! Did that just happen?
Uh, Mom, Dad,
this is my girlfriend, Robin.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Oh, it's wonderful
to meet you, Robin.
Oh, you are so pretty.
Isn't she pretty, Al?
A real looker.
That's funny, I didn't even
"look" in the mirror today.
That's not anything, is it?
So, I made a reservation at
San Marino tonight for 8:00.
San Marino.
Oh, you're serious? Yikes.
No. We have to
try Casa A Pezzi.
Best salmon risotto
I have ever had.
I love salmon risotto.
I know.
How are we supposed to get
a table at Casa A Pezzi?
They're booked for weeks.
Well, lucky for you,
I happen to know the head waitress,
which is ironic because...
Ironic because we both work at a
homeless shelter where I serve the food.
Where do you volunteer, Robin?
What's the matter with you?
I'm his girlfriend,
and I'm not even trying that hard.
Way to wreck the
curve, kiss-ass.
Robin, I'm his best friend.
That's a commitment.
Girlfriend, that's
like a bad flu.
Out of your system after
a couple weeks in bed.
High five.
Can I help?
Yes, you can, Virginia.
There's a story behind that broach,
and I'm going to hear it.
Well, funny you should ask.
Whoa! Bravo, Barney.
That is my all-time
favorite sonata.
Barney, you are
just delightful.
No, Virginia, you're delightful,
I am deligh-ted.
And he's just Ted.
I'm really not planning these things;
they just keep happening.
Whoops. I think I dropped
an ice cube down here.
Ow, it's so cold.
All right, that's it,
I'm out of here.
In a minute.
Anyone up for a
drink at MacLaren's?
- No, I'm kind of tired.
- Me, too.
Yeah, I'm sure my
folks are gonna want...
I feel like I could knock
back a few cervezas.
Cervezas?
Did he fall?
I'd join you, too, but I want to
get up early for Mass tomorrow.
St. Peter's, 8:45 a.m.,
it's my favorite service.
Wait a minute-- you're able to
cross the threshold of a church?
I'll save you a seat.
Oh, you are just terrific.
Isn't he, Susan?
Robin.
Susan, her name is Virginia.
Dude, I am sincerely ticked
at your dad right now.
Why?
Last night,
we go to MacLaren's for a drink, right?
So Barney darts back
into the burning house,
lifts up the refrigerator
I'm pinned under
and pulls me to safety.
Whoa. You're like a hero.
Oh, I'm no hero, Wendy.
You know who is a hero?
My Dalmatian, Smokey.
He... didn't... make it out.
I'm sorry.
You poor, brave man.
Why don't you give
the guy a hug?
I'm... oh.
My dad was your wingman?
This is really
messing with my head.
Barney, is my dad cool?
I'm not done.
So, your dad stays
to finish his drink,
but I take off because I have to be
up early for Mass with your mom.
Sure.
Anyway, I realize that I left my
phone on the bar, so I come back...
Oh, my God...
Oh, my God.
Is that really...
- Oh, my God!
- I know.
Can you believe your dad
rack-jacked me like that?
My dad made out with
Wendy the waitress?
He cheated on my mom?
No, that's impossible.
Ted, it's a well-known
statistic that 83% of people
married longer than six months
are seeing someone on the side.
Do you know that when you make up
a statistic, you always use "83%"?
You think I'm lying.
Well, have you done any
surveys on the subject?
Because the good people at
www.swingers.open-marriage-is natural\
legalize-polygamy.org have,
and they beg to differ.
That's not a real Web site.
Oh, and I suppose I didn't get a real
T-shirt for running in their 10K.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hey, Ted. Barney.
- Enjoying your vacation so far?
- Oh, yeah.
Uh, listen,
can I speak to you outside for a sec?
Sure.
So you went out with
Barney last night?
Yeah.
You have a good time?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sorry you couldn't join us.
Yeah.
So...
What?
Well...
Well what?
You think Cerrano's got
a shot at the RBI title?
I wanted to confront him,
but I couldn't.
I guess I got the let's-not-talk-
about-anything-uncomfortable gene
Well, you didn't get your dad's
close-the-deal gene, that's for sure.
Smile.
Great.
I don't care how unpleasant it is.
You have to talk to him.
Not now.
Okay, if you don't, I will.
Robin...!
Okay, now I got to back up
all the way to the beginning
to tell you the me and
Robin part of the story.
We were expecting my
parents at any minute.
One last thing about my mom.
She grills every single
one of my girlfriends
about when we're gonna
get married and have kids.
But this is the first
time she's meeting me.
Doesn't matter.
And you'll know it's coming when
she mentions my cousin Stacy--
six kids in five years.
The woman's basically
a ride at a water park.
But I don't want to get
married and have kids.
What am I supposed to say?
You know what?
You're an adult with
perfectly valid opinions.
You shouldn't have to
apologize for them.
- I'm gonna lie.
- I would.
Thanks again for letting
me have the U2 box set.
I know how important
it is to you.
I talked to Aunt
Caroline the other day.
Stacy's pregnant again.
Oh, good for her.
- So, dear...
- Oh, boy.
Tell us what it's like
being a journalist.
I'm just not ready.
Okay. No pressure.
Oh. Uh, I thought you, um...
It's great.
Good.
Focus on your job now,
because your career clock is ticking.
There's time for marriage and kids
and all that other stuff later.
Ooh,  a piano!
You lucked out with my
mom last night, huh?
What a relief, right?
Oh,  absolutely.
Whew, what a relief it is to
know I'm the one girlfriend
your mom doesn't want
you to have kids with.
Hooray?
I  mean, did she really think that
your college girlfriend Cheryl
would pop out
attractive children?
'Cause I've seen pictures,
and, I'm sorry,
that girl had a brow
ridge like a caveman.
Come on, she was just
frowning under direct light.
And besides, that's not even what
I liked about her. It was her...
It's not important.
What happened to
Marshall and Lily?
They've been fighting lately.
They're probably off
somewhere going at it.
More coffee?
Oh, no, thank you.
Isn't she sweet?
Well, if she's so sweet,
maybe she should have Ted's babies.
Excuse me?
Nothing.
Just a minute.
Maybe less.
Robin, dear.
Did I say something to upset you?
Why don't you want me
to have your grandkids?
Do you want to
have my grandkids?
No! I mean, I don't know.
I just... I want you to want me
to want to have your grandkids.
And you should.
I'm a genetic gold mine.
No family history of
diabetes or heart disease.
Everyone has nonporous
teeth and perfect eyesight.
I had one schizophrenic uncle,
but even he had perfect vision.
Which was unfortunate
for the people around
the bell tower he was in,
but still he was a
very fine man, and...
Excuse me. Sorry.
Didn't know that there was a line.
Marshall, your zipper.
Robin, it's not that I
don't want grandkids.
It's just I don't think anyone
should make the mistake
of getting married too young.
Why do you say that?
I mean, you got married pretty young.
That wasn't a mistake.
Was it?
Well...
Okay, there's something
you don't know.
Smile.
I wish your face
would melt off.
I wish your eyeballs
would explode.
I'm gonna kill him.
I don't care how unpleasant it is,
you have to talk to him.
- Not now.
- Okay, if you don't, I will.
Robin...!
Oh, gosh, let me help you
pick those up, sweetheart.
Sweetheart? Sweetheart?!
The only sweetheart in your
life should be the woman
you married 30 years ago,
not the waitress at the bar last night
and not this clumsy floozy!
I'm sorry, you're not a floozy.
I'm upset,
I don't know what I'm saying.
But stay away from my dad.
Ted, what are you
talking about?
Dad?
You, uh, want to tell Mom what
happened at the bar last night?
Okay.
I hooked up with a waitress.
Oh.
Oh?
I mean, oh!
Oh! Ooh!
We're going to have a serious talk
about this when we get home, Al.
Oh, ooh!
Serious talk? Mom, what...?
He was kissing another woman.
Don't you care?
Mrs. Mosby?
Ted, we weren't quite sure
how to tell you this...
Your mother and I are divorced.
What do you mean you're divorced?
Since when?
Oh, gosh,
it's been about nine months now.
Closer to ten, I think.
Time flies.
So ten months ago,
you just up and decided
to get divorced
without telling me?
No, it wasn't a snap decision.
We'd been separated
almost two years.
How could you not
tell me this?!
We meant to, it just never
seemed like the right time.
So last Christmas...?
We talked about
telling you kids then,
but it didn't seem
very Christmasy.
I got you a tandem bike.
Oh, it didn't go to waste. Your mother
and Frank ride it all the time.
Who the hell is Frank?!
Oh, great guy.
I actually set them up.
You remember Dr. Muchnik.
He did your braces.
Okay, my head's
about to explode,
and I don't want to get it
all over everyone's waffles,
so I am leaving.
Teddy bear, oh...
You know,
he mentioned he was divorced last night.
I totally spaced on that.
Ooh, no line at
the omelet station.
Lily...
I'm sorry that I said
all those things.
Me, too.
I just find it really confusing
to be around you right now.
It's the same for me.
I think we're probably
both better off trying
to keep some distance
for a while.
Yeah, I think you're right.
Are you wearing a push-up bra?
Did you Mystic Tan your calves?
I withdraw the question.
We're sorry we didn't say
anything about the divorce.
It was wrong not to tell you.
Thank you.
But listen,
don't tell your sister.
It would just upset her.
No, this is ridiculous!
We have to start talking about stuff,
and not just baseball.
Indians won today on
a walk-off double.
Against the Red Sox?
Boy, that's a big win.
No. No. No.
We're not gonna blow past this.
I mean,
I don't even know who you people.
I don't even know how you met.
I never told you how
I met your mother?
- No.
- Oh, great story.
At a bar.
That's it?
That's what passes for
communication in our family?
Man, when I have kids,
and I tell them how I met their mother,
I'm gonna tell them everything,
the whole damn story.
I think it was an Irish bar.
I just, I don't...
I don't understand.
You seemed so happy.
When I was growing up,
you seemed so...
What happened?
We just realized we're
very different people.
Your father's kind of a
head-in-the-clouds romantic,
and I'm much more
down to earth.
So?
Robin and I are like that.
That doesn't mean anything.
I wanted kids.
And your mother...
also wanted kids.
Robin and I have different
views on families.
We're not about to
break up because of it.
On some level, I always knew.
I didn't even want to go out
with him in the beginning.
But he spent months badgering
me until I finally gave in.
Well, when you don't connect on
that many fundamental levels,
it's only a matter of time before you
realize you're not meant to be together.
But we love Robin.
Absolutely.
Meeting you was the
highlight of my trip.
Well, second highlight.
- We'll see you inside.
- Sorry.
Wow.
I know.
They love me!
So we are definitely going
to try and communicate more.
From now on, full disclosure.
Good. Good, I think it'll be
really good for the family.
By the way, how's Grandma? She hasn't
returned my last couple calls.
I'm gonna get some juice.
No.
No.
You missed a great game last night.
Real squeaker.