- So, I guess that decides it.
- Yup.
Hanging out at a coffee place
is not nearly as much fun
as hanging out at a bar.
Man, what's that?
What?
That cute coffee girl
wrote a heart by your name.
Somebody has a crush on you.
Somebody thinks you're me.
Do you really
think she likes me?
I mean, I guess
it's not that surprising.
Every time I come in here,
I totally crack her up.
Marshall, here's
your pumpkin latte.
Wow. How did you fit a
pumpkin in this little cup?
I'll have a pumpkin latte.
How do they even fit a
pumpkin in those little cups?
What? You got a shrink
ray back there?
Yeah.
Hey, remember that
time I said that thing
about how do they fit a
pumpkin into that little cup?
- Which time?
- The first time.
Yeah. That was really funny.
Right.
All right, there's only two
reasons she'd laugh at that.
One, it's the first
joke she's ever heard,
or two, she likes you.
You should totally ask her out.
You think?
Yeah, that why you're not
back with Lily, right?
So you can experience what
it's like to be single.
Well, what if the heart
doesn't mean anything?
What if she writes
it on all the cups?
Mine says "Ted," no heart.
Mine says... "Swarley."
How'd they get
"Swarley" from "Barney"?
It's not even a name.
Who would ever be
called "Swarley"?
Oh, please don't start
calling me "Swarley."
This would never
happen at a bar!
Man! What's up with Swarley?
I know. You almost never see
old Swarlz get that upset.
Hey, guess what?
Oh, sorry.
It's only my mom.
She's just rambling
on like always.
What happened?
Marshall asked out a girl.
Wow.
Well, if anything,
that's Dad's fault.
That'll keep her going a while.
Oh, of course, you know,
he had a little help.
Swarley hooked him up?
Oh, good. You got my text.
- Yeah.
- Oh. No, it was me.
I gave Marshall
one of my secrets.
- So, what she say?
- Nothing.
I don't think she heard me.
It's pretty busy up there.
What? You gave her
the look right?
Head down, eyes looking up,
hands in pockets, shoulders up,
head slightly tilted,
conveying shy vulnerability.
I think so.
Look, can we just go?
Pumpkin latte for Marshall.
I didn't order that.
Phone number.
I love that look.
I think I slept with you
because of that look.
And it's fake?
Oh, and you biting your lower lip,
shyly looking away
and thrusting your
chest out is natural?
Yeah, I hear you.
- Hey!
- Hey, guys.
Are you free tomorrow night?
I was thinking of having
a wine tasting slash
"help me catch the rat
in my apartment" party.
That's a great idea.
You can put out cheese for both.
I should invite
Marshall, right?
It'd be weird if I didn't.
Yeah, I don't think he can go.
Really? Why not?
Uh, okay, um...
Lily, we have to
tell you something.
Marshall has a date.
Oh. Well... good for him.
Really? You're okay with it?
Look, we've been broken
up almost six months.
I mean,
I'm not thrilled about the idea,
but he has every right
to date someone else.
That's very mature.
Why are you holding the phone?
Oh, shoot.
That's hilarious, Mom.
Didn't even notice.
Hey, dude, by the way,
I really like that suit.
Tell me about the fabric.
Is it foreign or something?
Wow. It is foreign.
I'm impressed, Ted.
- It's Moroccan, actually.
- Whoa.
I got a call for Swarley.
Is there a Swarley here?
You weren't interested in
my suit at all, were you?
- Hmm?
- Swarley!
Yeah, I know he's there.
It's really important.
Could you ask again?
Important call for Swarley!
Geez, can't you hear him, Swarley?
There's a call for you.
Stop calling me that.
Uh... Hey, I'd like you guys
to officially meet Chloe.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
It's nice to meet you guys.
- I'll be right back.
- It's right back there.
Right? Right? She's hot!
And she likes me?
She likes Italian food.
I also like Italian food.
She likes Billy Joel.
I also like... music.
And I think we're
going to go out again.
- Dude, you gotta ditch her.
- Obviously.
Why?
She's got the crazy eyes.
Dude. The eyes.
They're crazy.
What are you guys talking about,
the crazy eyes?
It's a well-documented condition
of the pupils, or pupi.
No. Just pupils.
It's an indicator of
future mental instability.
She does not have
the crazy eyes.
You just can't see it
because you're afflicted
with "haven't been laid
in a while" blindness.
She was too far away
in the coffee place,
but when I saw her
up close just now...
Hey, I'd like you guys to
officially meet Chloe.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
It's nice to meet you guys.
You guys,
I'm not going to stop dating Chloe
just because you think
she has the crazy eyes.
You can keep going out with her,
but you're gonna regret it.
One time,
I met a girl at this very bar.
I saw that she had
the crazy eyes...
...but I ignored it.
And then, sure enough.
Barney, can I ask
you a question?
Anything.
Would you like to
have a threesome?
Of course.
Great. It'll be you,
me and Mr. Weasels.
So, did you do it?
No. It ended up
being just a twosome
with the third one
watching from a chair.
Which one were you?
I'd rather not say.
Look, there was a time I didn't
believe in the crazy eyes either,
and then I met Jeanine.
She had serious crazy eyes.
I told myself I was
just imagining it, but then...
So, should we go get a drink?
As long as it's in
your apartment.
Whoa, I'm sorry.
Watch! Where! You're! Going!
So, where do you live?
You guys, Chloe is not
gonna do any of that stuff.
She's a nice girl
from Nebraska.
She's not crazy.
She's... she's awesome.
But you can't avoid
the crazy eyes forever.
Sooner or later, the crazy
comes bubbling to the surface.
Hello?
Marshall, it's Chloe.
Are you the one who's
called me like nine times?
Yeah. Could you come get me?
I'm in the middle
of taking a test.
Please. I'm so scared.
Well, what's going on?
This weird midget guy
started following me
and he was screaming at me
and he had a limp and
a big hump on his back
and the police
didn't believe me
and I almost got trampled
by a horse and...
God I must sound totally
crazy to you right now.
No. Pfft.
Not at all.
So, she's needy crazy.
That's one of the worst kinds.
I've had one of those.
Makes up stories
to get attention.
Went out with her for three weeks--
her dad died twice.
Guys, she was really
freaked out, okay?
Maybe the story is true.
What in the world would make
you believe that's a true story?
She's really hot.
They always are.
- You all done with that, Ted?
- Yeah.
Ned. I told you
to call him Ned.
That's just sad.
Sorry, Swarley.
So, do just you
and Ted live here
or does Swarley live here, too?
Nah. Swarley has his own place.
What was that?
Oh, I, uh, dropped my keys.
So, here you go.
Two pumpkin beers.
I was joking.
They're regular beers.
What is that?
This picture is broken.
Oh. That's too bad.
Is that Lily?
Is that the girl you
were going to marry?
Yeah. Is that what
that sound was?
Did you just smash this?
No.
Why would I do that?
Let me look into your eyes.
Okay.
I had a really
nice time tonight.
Yeah, me, too. Stop blinking.
I like your eyes a lot, too.
S top!
Hi. I'm Lily.
Stop!
Now, kids,
I know Lily hiding in the apartment
while Marshall was on a date with
another girl seems pretty crazy,
but when you hear her
side of the story,
well, it's still pretty crazy.
What's up Swarlz?
No. Okay? No. No more.
I will not let this
become a thing. It's over.
No more Swarley. No Swarlz.
No more Swar-lay.
No more Swar...
wait for it... ley.
No more Bob Swarley, mon.
No more. No! It's over.
Do you understand?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Thank you.
Nice.
- Why didn't you call me?
- Was I supposed to call you?
Yes, about the whole Marshall-
dating-another-girl thing.
You said you were fine with it.
Yeah, in front of Ted,
but then I shot you a look.
- What look?
- This.
That doesn't seem like a look.
Yes it is. It means,
"I'm upset call me later."
You should have pulled me aside
and told me what the look meant.
If I pulled you aside,
I wouldn't need the look.
Well, maybe if it was a
more distinctive look...
Okay, the look isn't important.
What's important is that
I can't stand the idea
of Marshall dating
another woman.
I mean, what if
he falls in love with her?
Well, if it makes
you feel any better,
Ted says she has
the crazy eyes.
What's that?
Apparently, a thing women
have that guys can see
and it tells them that
the girl's crazy.
Oh, kind of like how you
never want to date a guy
with perfect fingernails?
Jerk nails. Exactly.
Well, did-did Ted say
whether she was good-looking?
I mean,
'cause if I knew she was ugly,
then maybe I wouldn't
be so freaked out.
Uh, he didn't say,
but you can find out.
I think her name is Chloe--
she works at Cosa Coffee on 78th.
Phone call for Swarles Barkley?
Hey, Ted. No, he's not here.
Good one, though--
remember that one.
Is, um, Chloe here?
She just left.
You can probably still catch her.
She's easy to spot--
she's got a pink umbrella.
Oh, thanks, Brian.
My name is Scott.
Your tag says Brian.
I know. Funny story.
So, I wake up this
morning, and...
Yeah, see you later, Brian.
There she is.
She doesn't look that great.
She's not fat,
but that doesn't mean anything.
I know tons of skinny,
ugly women.
That's right,
snotty girl in my yoga class,
I'm talking to you.
Come on, Chloe, turn around.
Here we go. Turn around, Chloe.
Come on,
show me that hideous face.
Damn it!
Ooh, I know,
I'll get ahead of her,
then I'll cut back so I... Aah!
Oh, my God, that hurts!
Turn around! Come on!
Just turn around!
Okay, this is ridiculous.
Hey!
Turn around!
What's the matter with you?
Hey, you!
Turn around!
Turn around, Chloe!
She's hot? I'm so sorry.
No, it's fine.
I-It just makes things easier.
Now that I know she's a threat,
all I have to do is keep Marshall
from ever seeing her again.
Okay, I have two plans--
you can help me choose.
Plan A--
remember that time Marshall
and I had sex in the bathroom?
Oops, I got knocked up.
- Lily.
- Okay, plan B
is called "Chloe's Accident."
- Just stop.
- What?
Lily, you can't do
any of those things.
If you two are ever
gonna get back together,
you have to let him work
out whatever this is.
I know. You're right.
Now, come on,
Ted asked us to be upstairs at 6:00.
Some surprise for Barney.
- Barney?
- Uh, Swarley.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Where's Marshall?
Oh, he's getting a haircut.
Oh. For his date.
Good for him.
Hope he has a good
time tonight.
Relax, you've got
nothing to worry about.
The girl's crazy.
Thanks!
He'll just have wild monkey
sex with her five times, max,
and be done with her.
Thanks again.
What are you doing?
I just wanted to listen to
a little music, that's all.
And this next one's
going out to Swarley.
All your friends know
you miss Barney,
but he's gone,
and you got to accept that, baby.
And, Swarley, you're gonna be
a better woman for it.
Here's "I Am Woman"
by Helen Reddy.
Ha-ha! Now I'm a woman.
I love it!
You know, I was thinking about this
whole new name thing last night,
and you know what I realized?
I like it.
You like being called Swarley?
Are you kidding?
I want you to call me that.
Do you really think
this is gonna work?
Do I think what's gonna work?
I'm just saying, I love my new name,
so please only call
me that from now on.
Call you what?
You know, that-that-that new name
that you've been calling me.
Say it.
Why? You guys know what it is.
Say the name.
No, I don't want to! I hate it!
I hate it! It's not funny!
It's never been funny!
I've never done any...
No!
Man, he is really gonna lose it
when all the magazine
subscriptions start coming in.
I signed him up for
People in Espanol,
but I addressed it to Swarlos.
Hey, where's the picture of
Marshall and me at the pier?
Didn't it used to
be by that window?
Oh, yeah, he, uh,
he sort of took it down when you left.
Put it behind some books,
I think.
Oh, well-well,
maybe I should put it back up.
Why, so Chloe'll see
it and get scared off?
No.
So Marshall'll see
it and feel guilty.
Yeah, okay.
But she wasn't okay.
Later that night,
while Marshall was on his date,
Lily came back.
...anymore.
Pretty impressive, huh?
Wow, you really did memorize all the
lyrics to "We Didn't Start the Fire."
Can I, uh,
can I get you a drink?
I'd love a beer.
You got it.
Lily did what any
sensible woman would do.
She hid under the desk.
And she stayed there,
listening to her ex-fiance
on a date with another woman.
I had a really
nice time tonight.
Yeah, me, too. Stop blinking.
I like your eyes a lot, too.
Finally, much like Billy Joel,
she couldn't take it anymore.
Stop!
Hi. I'm Lily.
Lily... Lily,
what the hell are you doing?
I don't know. I...
I don't know... what I'm doing.
Oh, pumpkin beer--
that was a good one.
I'm just... I'm gonna go.
I... I'm so sorry.
En-Enjoy the rest of your date.
She seems nice.
- Lilly, what the hell...
- I'm sorry.
I only snuck up
there because...
when I saw how cute she was yesterday,
I freaked out.
Lily, you saw her yesterday?
Yeah, I...
kind of chased her down the street.
Wait, so you were the
hunchback with the limp?
Yeah.
And she didn't break the picture,
I did.
So Chloe's not crazy, she's...
just a nice, normal girl.
Yeah, she is.
And you deserve a nice,
normal girl.
So, why don't you
just go back up there
and-and finish your date.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Wait, if you were the hunchback,
then why did she think you were a guy?
I-I might have used a voice
that sounded like this.
- Why?
- Because I didn't want
her to know it was me, which
I now realize doesn't make sense,
because she hadn't even met me.
You're crazy.
You have... crazier eyes than
anybody that I have ever met.
Shouldn't you be
going back up...
I mean,
you're out of your mind.
You're... just
absolutely insane.
Shouldn't you be
going back upstairs?
I've missed you so much.
Okay, I ran it by the group,
and we decided we're
gonna give you a choice.
We will agree to stop
calling you Swarley,
but instead,
we'll call you Jennifer.
Well?
I'm thinking.
How about this?
On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays...
Hey.
Look at this.
So right there,
in the exact same place
that six months earlier I had
walked up and found Marshall alone,
crying over his breakup with Lily,
I found him again.
Only this time he wasn't alone,
and he was happy.
So we went to the bar to celebrate,
and it was great.
I was with Robin,
Marshall and Lily were back together,
and Barney had a cool new name.
All was right with the world...
until we got back
to the apartment.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Chloe, I...
guess I forgot I
left you up here.
I was gonna leave,
but I can't find my keys.
They're right there
on the coffee table.
Silly me.
I must have looked
everywhere else.
Well... I'm just gonna go.
Oh, I don't think we've met.
I'm Chloe.
Robin.
It's nice to meet you, Roland.
I'll see you guys later.
Roland?
Your name's Roland.
That's funny, right?
Rock and Roland.
Warsaw is the capital
of what? Roland.
You're Monica Roland-ski.
Hey, yeah,
that's just how I Roland.
- Nice try, Swarley.
- Damn it.
Swarley!
# Sometimes you want to go #
# Where everybody #
# knows your name #
# And they're always #
# glad you came... #
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