..learn about relationships
is that you're never done
getting to know someone.
Everyone has secrets.
Some are nice.
You know how to make crepes?
That is so cool.
Some aren't as nice.
And then there was Derek,
and counting you,
- that puts the total up to--
- Oh, I got your total.
I've been counting along.
And some are just weird.
You're scared of
the seven dwarfs?
Just Doc. He's creepy.
I mean the guy went
to medical school.
What's he doing living
with six coal miners?
Oh, man! I'm so excited.
I couldn't sleep last night.
- I bet you guys couldn't either.
- Why?
Only the Gala event
for the Grand Opening
of Sharper Image's 500th store.
Didn't you get my email?
No, I blocked your address
after the fourth time
you sent me the video of the
monkey sniffing his own butt.
Come on! It's on me.
I'm buying three of you foot massagers
and one of you a nose hair trimmer.
You know who you are.
Come on, let's go.
Okay, I'm in.
- To the Willowbrook Mall!
- To the Willowbrook Mall.
Oh, it's at a mall?
I'm not going.
What? Why not?
I just don't feel
like going to a mall.
We can split a Cinnabon.
No, I'm really not going to go.
- Come on, it'll be fun.
- No, I don't go to malls!
Sorry, I just don't like malls.
Why not?
I'd rather not say.
- Sharper Images.
- But that's where clothes live.
Guys, guys, guys,
Robin doesn't like malls.
If she doesn't want to tell us why,
she doesn't have to.
I think we should all
just respect her privacy.
Thanks, Ted.
So, what's the deal
with you and malls?
I thought you said that,
if I didn't want to talk about it,
I didn't have to.
Yeah, with those people.
But I'm your boyfriend.
Come on. What is it?
Did you get arrested at a mall?
No.
- Dumped at a mall?
- Ted.
Found out you were
Canadian at a mall?
Let it go.
Trapped under a fake
boulder at a mall?
- Let it go.
- Mauled at the mall?
Let it go!
And who gets trapped under
a fake boulder at the mall?
Not me in Ohio when I was nine,
that's for sure.
I don't get it. Why won't Robin
tell me why she hates malls?
Ted, you should be happy
Robin has a secret.
The more you learn
about a person,
the better chance you have of
hitting the fatal "Oh" moment.
The "Oh" moment?
Yeah, that moment when you find
out that one detail about a person
that is going to
be a deal breaker.
It's a promise ring.
I made a pact with God to stay
a virgin till I'm married.
I don't have an
eating disorder.
It's just when I put food in my mouth,
I chew it, and then I spit it out.
I just turned 30.
So trust me,
you want to postpone
knowing anything about each
other for as long as possible.
Mmm. I disagree.
If there is some potential "Oh" moment,
I want to know about it right away.
I mean, what's the alternative?
I now pronounce you,
man and wife.
I love you.
I used to be a dude.
Yeah, I agree with Ted.
In a real relationship,
you share everything.
That's why Marshall and
I don't keep any secrets.
You are such a cutie pie.
Here's a quarter.
Go play a song on the jukebox.
No, it's true.
They tell each other everything.
I can think of tons of things,
there's no way Marshall's told you.
Try me.
Do you know about the time
Marshall was in Trenton?
Donkey ate his pants. Yup.
Bill's bachelor
party in Memphis?
Oh, when they had to pump out
all the nickels from his stomach?
Wow. Okay. Seattle.
Trick question. Marshall's never
been to the Pacific Northwest
because he's afraid
of Sasquatch.
Damn, you're good.
I'm not afraid of Sasquatch,
I just think we should all be on alert.
Trust me. Not only do they
tell each other everything,
they want to know everything.
So after the shower I was brushing
my teeth. And I was like,
"Oh, man!
I wanted to have some orange juice.
I should have done that first."
But I already had the
toothpaste on the toothbrush.
So I just went ahead
and brushed them anyway.
What happened next?
Yeah, meanwhile,
Robin tells me nothing.
Fine. Do you want to know
what Robin's secret is?
You know?
Of course I know.
She couldn't look at us,
her face got flushed--
that's shame, my friend.
Our friend Robin used to do porn,
wait for it...
...ography.
Yeah, we didn't really
need to wait for that.
And it's ridiculous.
I don't know.
He could be right.
She does have the fake
orgasm noises down.
Hey!
What? The walls are thin.
That's not what I'm
"hey"ing you about.
You know what it might be?
This is going to sound a little
crazy but what if Robin is married?
Married? What does that
have to do with the mall?
Well, maybe she got
married at the mall.
Back home in Minnesota,
a ton of people get married
at the Mall of America.
It's great.
There's this gorgeous indoor
golf course for pictures,
numerous fine dining options,
and talk about a reasonable--
- We are not getting married at the mall!
- Well, just meet with the guy.
She's not married.
Robin hates marriage.
Because she already
got married.
At the mall.
No, because before Robin
moved to New York, she...
What was she doing?
Well, I don't know.
Whenever I ask her about Canada,
she kind of clams up.
She's a pretty private person.
Except when she's
talking about...
Oh, a friend of mine in Canada
got married way too young
and it really turned
her off to marriage.
What do you think of
this wedding cake?
Oh, I like it.
Hey, you remember that
friend of mine in Canada
who got married way too young?
Her wedding cake was a Mrs. Fields'
giant cookie.
No.
My friend in Canada who
got married way too young,
they had to do their vows twice,
once in French.
They speak French there, too?
God, that place is a mess.
So you don't think there's
any "friend" from Canada?
Oh, I'm sure there is.
Just like I have a "friend" who
wet his bed till he was ten.
Use your brain, Ted.
Guys, there's no way
Robin is married.
It's ludicrous to
even suggest it.
- Thank you, Barney.
- 'Cause it's porn.
I need another beer.
Robin was not in porn.
I bet you anything that she's married.
$20,000 says it's porn.
I don't have $20,000.
Well, then what do you have?
- Well...
- No.
I've got it.
The ultimate wager--
slap bet.
Oh, slap bet.
We used to do those when I was a kid.
What the hell's a slap bet?
Whoever is right gets to slap
the other person in the face
as hard as they possibly can--
but no rings.
Are you really going to do that?
That's so immature.
- You can be Slap Bet Commissioner.
- Ooh, I love it. What are my powers?
Um, if a problem arises and we
need a ruling, that's your job.
But you have to be unbiased
and put the integrity of
slap bet above all else.
This is an honor you will
take with you to your grave.
On your tombstone,
it will read,
"Lily Aldrin, caring wife,
loving friend,
Slap Bet Commissioner."
And your tombstone will read "Got
slapped by Marshall, so hard he died."
Okay. What if I just ask Robin
point blank if she has a husband?
You said you would
respect her privacy,
so maybe you should
just drop it.
Yeah, you're right.
Husband.
There's no "P" in husband.
Wow, you seem to know
a lot about husbands.
Fine. I'll take it back.
Oh, hey, since you mentioned husbands,
this is great, you're going to love this.
Marshall, you know Marshall.
He thinks that the reason
you didn't want to go to
the mall the other day
is because you got married at a
mall and have a husband in Canada.
I told him he's crazy.
Because he's crazy, right?
I mean, how crazy is that?
Are you asking me
if I'm married?
Well, you can ask me.
Nope, I'm not married.
Your turn.
What happened to
respecting my privacy?
Look, just say, "No,
I'm not married."
Ted, I don't understand
why you can't--
Just say, "No,
I'm not married."
I can't.
Marshall's right.
I was young and I got married.
It was a mistake and
he moved away, but...
yeah. I'm married.
You have a husband?
I was young and stupid
and we got married at a mall
and we broke up at a mall
and I...
I haven't been to a mall since.
Why didn't you get divorced?
He moved to Hong Kong for
work and I was like...
eh, good enough.
Good enough?
That's not good enough.
You order pancakes, you get waffles,
that's good enough.
Look, I haven't
seen him in years.
It's just a part of my
life I want to forget.
Just please don't tell
anyone about this.
Okay.
Dude, your hand is monstrous.
Yeah, well, what'd you expect?
You've seen my penis.
I can't believe you
told us Robin's secret.
What? How could I keep
something like that to myself?
And you begged me to tell you.
No, I didn't.
Please tell us. Just tell us.
I'm begging you.
Tell us. Tell us. Tell us.
Please please please--
Fine. Robin's married.
Yeah, well,
you still shouldn't have told us.
I mean,
what kind of boyfriend are you?
See that's just it,
I'm not the boyfriend.
I'm the mistress.
No, not the mistress.
The mastress.
The master.
What do you call it?
Uh, pretty sure we're
going to call it mistress.
What am I going to do?
My girlfriend's married.
Do I ask her to get a divorce?
Ted, even if she is married,
it's a Canadian marriage.
It's like their money,
or their army.
Nobody takes it seriously.
It's serious to me.
You know what, in some countries,
if you been separated
for longer than five years,
technically, you're no longer married.
I can check it out at the
law library at school.
I can see my hand
print on your face.
Don't get too cocky, Slappy.
I just got a shipment of porn
from Canada I have to go through.
I won the bet.
Why are you still searching?
Just because you were right
doesn't mean I'm wrong.
Oh, right, like you need
an excuse to watch porn.
Canadian porn.
Trust me when I tell you their
universal health care system
doesn't cover breast implants.
If I have to sit through one
more flat-chested Nova Scotian
riding a Mountie on
the back of a Zamboni
I'll go out of my mind.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Listen, dude,
I got to talk to you,
but you got to promise me
that you won't tell Barney.
Fine, I won't tell Barney.
What is it?
- Robin's not married.
- What?
Why would she tell me she was?
I don't know, but I cross-
checked every record in Canada.
There's no record of
her ever being married.
There must be some mistake.
I promise you.
She's not married.
She's not great at
parking legally either.
So she lied to me?
W--What am I going to do?
I-I can't confront her,
'cause then she'll know I told you.
You got to lawyer her.
You got to ask her a bunch of questions,
try to trip her up,
maybe make her feel guilty,
whatever it takes
to get a confession out of her.
Thanks for telling
me your secret.
It means so much to me,
that you could be so--
God, what's the word
I'm looking for?
Honest.
Mm, thanks, Ted.
Yeah. You know what's probably
the best part about your honesty?
How truthful it is.
I say we just move on.
Well, for me to get total
closure on this whole
"my girlfriend has
a husband" thing,
I think I might need a
little bit more information,
like what month did
you get married?
June. We had a June wedding.
Ah, Canada in June.
That's the dream.
Sit-down or buffet?
Well, it's...
weird that you don't remember.
No, I just didn't
know how to answer
because we did butlered hors
d'oeuvres in the atrium,
but the actual dinner was
a buffet in the Food Court
featuring a filet mignon or a
roasted potato-crusted salmon
with a lobster
scallion beurre blanc.
Band or DJ?
A string quartet played
at the ceremony,
but for the actual reception,
we had a seven-piece band.
We paid extra for the sax
'cause I just love that
smooth alto sound.
- How many bridesmaids?
- Seven.
- Flowers?
- Azaleas.
- Color scheme?
- Dusty rose and sienna.
Husband's name.
- You were never married!
- Yes, I was.
- No, you weren't.
- How do you know?
I looked it up at the library.
- What library?
- The one on Fifth.
- When did you go?
- Today at lunch,
and I had an apple brie
panini with potato salad...
I'm not questioning
the lunch part, Ted.
What database did you use?
I used the Canadian
Mall Marriage 6000.
Fine, Marshall looked
it up at school.
- You told Marshall?!
- You lied to me!
See, this is why I don't
tell people secrets.
You were supposed to be the
one person I trusted the most
and even you couldn't
keep a secret.
But it was a fake secret.
Yeah, I was testing
you and you failed.
And now you're never gonna know
why I don't go to the mall.
And it's good, too.
You were testing me?
That's insane.
Oh, yeah? How long did it
take for you to tell Marshall
my biggest secret in the world?
Five minutes?
- That wasn't a real secret!
- Yeah, but it could have been.
You are driving me crazy!
No wonder your fake
husband moved to Hong Kong.
He moved there for business.
You.
You got something to say to me?
What are you talking about?
I know Robin was
never really married.
How could you
possibly know that?
And then I put on my
pajamas and got into bed.
How about you?
Oh, let's see, uh,
first I took the subway to school.
Then I got a bagel.
Then I went to the library and
found out Robin was never married.
Crazy.
Then I was hungry again,
so I went down to the vending machine,
but by the time I got down there,
I wasn't even hungry anymore.
- You told him?
- I had to.
I'm Slap Bet Commissioner.
Believe me, this hurts me more
than it's gonna hurt you.
Don't count on it.
I've been practicing on a tree trunk.
- Barney gets three slaps.
- Three?
One because you lied and two
for being prematurely slapped.
Three slaps.
But--
Oh, my God.
- Are you gonna cry?
- No.
You're gonna cry.
I just don't think it's healthy to
keep big secrets in a relationship.
My parents didn't really talk
to each other for 30 years
and now they're divorced.
I have shared more
of myself with you
than I've ever
shared with anyone.
I'm asking for this one secret,
which has nothing to do with us,
to just be mine.
So I just got a very
interesting phone call.
What are you talking about?
I know Robin's secret.
- What?
- That's right.
I know your secret, Robin.
Or should I say Robin Sparkles?
How do you know that name?
Because I know the truth,
and I am about to show
it to you right now.
Gather 'round, Ted,
you're gonna want to see this.
Yeah, no, I don't.
What?
Robin wants to keep
this a secret, so...
it's gonna stay a secret.
Yeah, it's not
gonna stay a secret.
You see, in my research,
I came upon a certain
gentleman in Malaysia
who is in possession of
a certain videotape.
He just emailed me that
it will be up and running
on My Space in about...
right now.
Robin's world is about to
be turned upside-down.
I mean, I'm guessing.
Barney, don't, okay?
Robin, please don't panic.
I'm only gonna show enough to
prove to Marshall I was right.
No, Barney,
I said we're not watching this.
No, it's time.
Look, I appreciate what
you're trying to do,
but if it's out there, there's no
point in trying to hide it anymore.
Let's just watch it
and be done with it.
Are you as terrified as I am?
I don't want to
get slapped again.
I want to stress
that I was young.
Yeah, you were.
And I didn't know any better.
They never do.
And it started out as an
innocent modeling job.
It always does.
Please, Mr. Johnson.
I'm sorry I was a bad girl.
Please don't give me detention.
Isn't there something I can
do to make it up to you?
Oh, my God.
Well, obviously,
I've been proven right,
so in the interest
of Robin's dignity,
I won't show anymore.
Plus, it's getting late.
It's already slap o'clock.
What the hell was that?
Uh, I slap bet Marshall that
you did porn, so I win.
Porn? I wish it was porn.
It would be less embarrassing.
I know.
How about I sing you a song?
Let's go to the
mall, everybody!
I was a teenage
pop star in Canada.
# Put on your jelly bracelets #
# And your cool graffiti coat #
# At the mall, having fun #
# Is what it's all about #
This is the most amazing
thing I've ever seen.
- That's you?
- Yes.
I had one minor hit.
I had to go all over Canada
and sing this song in malls.
For a whole year, I lived off of
Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.
# Everybody come and play #
# Throw every last care away #
# Let's go to the mall #
# Today #
If this is the '90s,
why does it look like 1986?
The '80s didn't come to Canada till,
like, '93.
Taking a break from the first of many,
many viewings,
I can't help but notice
that this isn't porn.
And yet,
a slap occurred without the permission
of the Slap Bet Commissioner.
Looks like somebody suffered
from premature slapulation.
Oh, my God, Robin's rapping.
Guys, Robin's rapping.
# Went to the mall with #
# a couple of friends #
# I had a whole week's #
# allowance to spend #
Okay, I'm going to
give you a choice.
Either ten slaps
right now in a row,
or five slaps that
can be doled out
at any point from
here to eternity.
You go with the ten now.
No way,
why get ten when you can get five?
Yeah, but the constant fear of
knowing that at any moment,
you could get slapped in the face,
would drive you crazy.
I'm going to go with
the five for eternity.
- Good call.
- Horrible call.
Relax, dude,
I'm just going for my soda, man.
Take it easy.
This is going to be fun.
# Let's go to the mall #
# Let's go to the mall #
# Today #
So just to be clear,
you wanted everybody to
go to the mall today?
Wow, we're going to
watch this a lot.
I can't believe I ever wore
a Bedazzled jean jacket.
Hey, just so you know,
16-year-old me would
have been all over you.
You could have been the girlfriend
in Canada I told everyone I had.
Hey, uh, I'm really sorry
I pried this out of you.
I probably should
have left it alone.
You know what?
You know me better now.
That feels kind of nice.
That's one.
# Everybody come and play #
# Throw every last care away #
Wow.
# Let's go to the mall #
# Today #
Did you have to laugh
like that every time?
Yes.
# This boy I like #
# Met him at the food court #
# He's got hair like Gretzky #
# And he does jumps #
# on his skateboard #
# I hope he asks me out #
# Take me to my favorite spot #
# It'll be just him and me #
# But don't forget the robot #
The robot. Hey!
# But, baby #
# I don't want to wait #
# Let's do it #
No, she doesn't want to wait.
# I'm gonna rock #
# your body anyway #
# I'm gonna rock your #
# body till Canada Day #
# Everybody come and play #
# Throw every last care away #
# Let's go to the mall #
# Today, today, today, today #
# Let's go to the mall #
# Let's go to the ma-a-all #
# Let's go to the mall #
# Let's go to the ma-a-all #
# Let's go to the mall #
# Let's go to the ma-a-all #
# Let's go to the mall #
# Let's go to the ma-a-all #
# Let's go to the mall #
# Let's go to the ma-a-all #
# Let's go to the mall #
# Let's go to the ma-a-all #
# Today #
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