...some weird stuff started happening.
Why does my stomach hurt?
I'm sorry, baby.
I ate a bunch of ice cream earlier today.
Oh, baby, you know
we're lactose-intolerant.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you suggesting that
when one of you feels something,
- the other feels it, too?
- Oh, God, you guys are so codependent.
- No, we're not.
- Oh, really?
What about the other day?
- Oh, I need to get some eggs.
- Oh, I'll come with you.
Just because we like spending time
together doesn't mean we're codependent.
Really?
Then whatever happened to your plan
of spending the last two weeks
before your wedding sleeping apart?
Okay, we decided not
to do that because of...
Logistics.
- Wedding logistics.
- Frickin' logistics, man.
They mess everything up.
You didn't do it
because you couldn't do it.
- Sure we could.
- Then why don't you?
You can stay with me.
It would make our wedding
night more special.
- Okay, let's do it.
- Done.
- I'm gonna go grab a beer.
- I'll come with you.
No. I'll stay.
Subtitles : Willow's Team
Transcript : Raceman
www.forom.com
Okay, I know.
You know? I got to go.
Good-bye.
My mom's driving me cra....
God, you guys are covered in sauce.
We'll get to that.
Me first.
My mom is driving me crazy
about the wedding music.
The woman takes one cruise
to Jamaica, and suddenly, it's
"not a party without steel drums."
Doesn't everybody know
you're not supposed to stress out
a bride right before her wedding?!
Okay, sauce, go.
- Long story. I'll tell you later.
- Yeah.
It's a dirty story, isn't it?
You guys went out to dinner,
did it in the kitchen and got caught.
Scherbatsky reeks of
someone who likes to get caught.
Okay, now I have to wash up
for two reasons.
Oh, you didn't.
That's right.
So you and Lily really think
you can spend two weeks apart?
You know what, Barney?
Lily and I are a lot less chees
than you make us out to be.
Marshmallow, don't forget
to pack my night-night tape.
Night-night tape?
Did you make a tape of
you saying "night-night" to her?
- No.
- He doesn't say it. He sings it.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Why don't you kiss?
I love it when two chicks make out.
Damn it.
Nobody's bought us anything cool yet off our registry.
- What's on there?
- Ooh, lots of stuff.
Kitchen Aide Artisan Series
tilt-head stand mixer...
Retail price $319.99.
What else?
Um, the Dyson DC17 Animal vacuum.
Ah, $549.99.
A little greedy, don't you think?
- Did you memorize our registry?
- No, I'm training.
- Training? For what?
- I'm glad you asked.
Ted, Robin, get in here!
You guys know how it's hard to be
friends with me 'cause I'm so awesome?
Yes, it's hard to be friends with you.
Go on.
Well, this isn't going
to make it any easier.
I am going to be on...
The Price Is Right.
- No way!
- What?!
Yes, in a couple days, Rich Fields
is going to call out my name,
- and I will come on down.
- Whoa, that is so awesome.
Barney, I didn't know you were
such a fan of The Price is Right.
Are you kidding?
T.P.I.R. is not just an indescribably
entertaining hour of television,
it's a microcosm of
our entire economic system--
a capitalist utopia, where consumers
are rewarded for their persistence,
market acumen and intrepid spirit.
I gaze upon the glory of The Price Is Right,
and I see the face of America.
And it is divine.
Plus, you know,
hot chicks on sports cars.
Then Lily headed out to Robin's
for her first night away from Marshall.
- I'm ready!
- Ta-da-da-da-da...
- Wow, Lily, you look so beautiful.
- I know! I'm beautiful!
I'm a fairy princess!
I'm too skinny for my dress!
Meanwhile, I was testing out
my best man toast on Marshall.
Here goes.
Hello, everyone, I'm Ted Mosby,
Marshall's best man.
Strong opening, right?
That's fantastic.
When Marshall graduates
this spring, he'll be a lawyer.
But did you know that
Marshall has a criminal record?
That's right, on a road trip
up to Cape Cod,
Marshall was pulled over for driving
by himself in a car pool lane.
Oh, crap.
Oh, crap.
Are you crazy?
You cannot tell that story
at my wedding.
My entire family's gonna be there.
My little cousins, my mom, my grandma,
my grandpa the minister.
That grandpa died three years ago.
His favorite grandson
is getting married, Ted.
I think he can take a day off from
haunting the barn to make an appearance.
Whoo!
Whoo-whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
- So which one, "A" or "B"?
- What was that?
I have to decide how to run
to contestant's row when they say,
"Barney Stinson, come on down!"
Oh, I didn't realize that's what it was.
Can you do them again?
Yeah, of course.
Hey! Very funny.
Just for that, when I win all the prizes,
the only thing you guys are getting
is Rice-A-Roni and Turtle Wax.
It's $300 just to take the bust in?
Oh, please, you have to have
some sympathy for me.
I'm getting married next Saturday,
and I'm too skinny for my dress.
I lost all this weight
without even trying.
Hello?
- What happened?
- She called me a bitch and hung up.
Oh, I don't know what to do.
I guess I'll just have to pay the $300.
Pay the $300?
Lily, are you crazy?
This isn't a problem.
It's a license to eat.
Look, what have you always wanted to eat but
didn't because it was too ridicuusly decadent?
Ooh, a Valrhona chocolate soufflé
with a raspberry brandy sauce
topped with caramelized bananas
and hazelnut gelato.
I have Cool Whip and half a bag of Fritos.
Done!
Okay, think you're gonna be
happy with my new toast.
There's nothing sexual.
It's, uh, it's just the story of an
important moment in your relationship.
I'm all ears.
Hello, everyone, I'm Ted Mosby,
Marshall's best man.
- Nice.
- Right? That's great.
Back when we were all freshman
and Marshall and Lily were just a few
short weeks into their relationship...
It was 4:00 in the morning, and I'm not
gonna lie, we were a wee bit wasted.
We were starving.
So I'd gone out to get us some
snacks, and when I got back...
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
I know it's soon to say it,
but I'm so glad you did.
Yeah.
So here's what you want to talk
about in front of my entire family:
drinking, having a girl in my room,
eating junk food.
Dude, you're almost 30. Your mom would
be mad at you for eating junk food?
Yeah, Ted, 'cause nutrition's
not important.
Also, so Lily's never heard
that story before.
How's she going to react when she finds out
the first time I said "I love you" to her,
I was actually saying it to you
and a bag of Funyuns?
But who cares? You did love her.
And you still do.
And you're totally over Funyuns,
so it's not weird.
- Hey, Lil.
- Hey.
Hey? That's it?
What are you talking about?
Well, you guys have been spending
the last few nights apart.
I figured there'd be a lot of giggling,
crying, jumping up and down,
and then whatever Lily would do.
Now, one thing I remember about
the bar menu at McClaren's
is that there were no fewer than
11 different deep-fried appetizers.
That night, Aunt Lily ordered them all.
Check it out.
Okay, imagine... imagine, if you will,
that this is the $1 space
on The Price Is Right wheel.
Ready?
Oh, wow, that was pretty close.
Close?
Close?! It's called The Price Is Right,
not The Price Is Close!
Oh, man, this is bad.
If I don't win the spin-off, and I can't
get into the Showcase Showdown,
everything's ruined!
It's all ruined!
What is ruined?
Why, why is this such a big deal?
Okay, guys... sit down,
I've got to tell you something.
The reason I'm going on The Price Is Right
is because I've decided that it's time
for me to meet my real father.
- Your father?
- That's right.
My father... is Bob Barker.
- Your dad... is Bob Barker?
- That's right.
The host of The Price Is Right,
Bob Barker?
That's Pops.
- Barney?
- Yes, Robin?
Why in the world do you think
Bob Barker is your father?
Uh, because my mother told me
he was, that's why.
Mom, who's my dad?
All the other kids at school
know who their dad is.
- Who's mine?
- Oh, I don't know.
That guy.
Look, Dad, I got straight A's!
Hey, Dad, guess who I'm going
as for Halloween?
Want to play some catch, Pop?
So now I'm gonna go to L.A.,
be on the show,
win the Showcase Showdown,
make him proud of me,
and then tell him who I am.
You're gonna tell Bob Barker that
you're his son on national television?
Why is this so hard for you
people to believe?
Drop the popper!
Lily has to gain five pounds
in a week and a half,
and it is my job to help her get there.
This is the best wedding diet ever.
- I lost a pound.
- That is impossible.
You ate McDonald's
every meal for three days.
I knew that Super Size
Me guy was full of it.
Well, it must be the wedding stress.
We just got to up the intake.
Lily Aldrin, drop and give me
20 bites of fudge!
Okay?
Don't nibble at it.
Attack it!
Come on, Lily.
You can do better than that!
I can't.
Well, eat faster, before
your body figures out it's full.
I'm trying.
Oh, are you gonna cry?
You gonna cry?
Skinny little baby's gonna cry?
- Well, eat, damn it, eat!
- Okay!
Hey, so I think I figured out how to do
your toast in a completely appropriate way.
- Finally.
- Yeah.
Good evening. I'm Ted Mosby,
Marshall's best man.
- Still strong, right?
- Great, yeah.
I'd like to share with you all a story
about the momentous evening last fall
when Marshall and Lily got back together.
Afterward, we stayed up
till 10:00 at night,
- doing shots of chocolate milk.
- Man, I'm well nourished right now!
Calcium promotes healthy teeth and bones.
Thanks, Marshall, for teaching us
you don't need alcohol to have fun.
Oh, don't thank me. Thank my parents
for teaching me good values.
Now, I wasn't supposed
to hear this next part,
but Marshall leaned over
to Lily and whispered.
You know what I'd like
to do to you right now?
I'd like to hold your hand.
I'd like to hold your hand so hard
that you're not able
to shake hands for a week.
Are you just going to talk about holding
my hand or are you going to hold it?
Then a little later, Robin caught them...
Oh, um... ...holding hands.
It was a lovely and responsible night.
To Marshall and Lily.
That's the worst toast
I've ever heard, dude.
- It's totally boring.
- Exactly.
It's impossible to write a good toast
with you censoring me, man.
I give up.
I'm just going to read that thing
about Jesus and the footprints.
I give up, too.
I don't care if my dress doesn't fit.
I can't eat anymore.
I-I feel like my stomach's going to explode.
I know.
And so, Lily and I were
both about to give up,
but as you can all see,
Lily does look beautiful in that dress,
and here I am giving a toast.
You know, all this time, I'd been
wracking my brain trying to
pick out the perfect moment to capture
Lily and Marshall as a couple.
But then I realized the perfect
moment wasn't
some needle lost in the haystack
of their ten years together.
The perfect Lily and Marshall
moment happened two nights ago.
Marshall, what are you doing?
Going to the bathroom.
In the hall?
Sleepwalking?
You're wide awake.
- Robbing us?
- Dude.
Turns out, all week long he'd been
sneaking out to a hotel on 72nd,
to meet Lily.
- God, I missed you.
- I can't sleep without you.
Hey, baby?
- Would you be the big spoon for a while?
- Sure, baby.
- How's the weight gaining going?
- Ugh, terribly.
I'm too stressed out without you around.
Well, I'm here now.
And so Lily and Marshall failed in
their experiment with apartness,
but they succeeded
in getting Lily into her dress.
You know, there really are a million things
I could tell you about Lily and Marshall,
but really, the only thing
you need to know is
that ten years into their relationship,
they still couldn't spend
a single night apart.
May they never have to again.
To Lily and Marshall.
To Lily and Marshall.
Now, kids, the story of Lily and
Marshall's wedding is a good one.
No matter how perfectly you plan your...
You know, wait a second, guys.
I'll get to that.
First, I've got to tell you
what happened with Barney.
Rich, what is the name
of our next participant?
- Bob, it's Barney Stinson!
- Come on down!
You're the next contestant
on The Price Is Right.
Nooo. Oh, my God!
Working his way out.
High-five here, high-five there.
- A big old hug here.
- Oh, my God!
Yeah, I know, the camera loves me.
Welcome to contestant's row, Barney.
Nice suit.
- Thanks, Da... Bob.
- Here is the next item up for bid!
Bob, the stylish his-and-her watches
feature an 18k gold bezel and crown
and stainless steel bands.
And Barney, what do you bid on that?
Um... Wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Retail price is $1,349.99, so, since
you round off, I'll say $1,350, Bob.
- $1,350 for Barney.
- So, was it $1,350?
I don't know.
- Was it?
- Oh, my God!
Happy wedding.
Barney, you won that camcorder
in just one second!
That is impressive.
I mean impressive.
Thank you, Bob.
Now, to win the computer,
you're going to have to bid again,
and again I will say higher or lower.
And let's show the audience
the price of the computer,
and audience, please,
do not try to help us.
And the clock will start
with your first bid.
- $1 billion.
- Lower.
So, I brought some photos
that I thought you might like to see.
- This is me on my first birthday.
- Yes, Barney.
- This is...
- What are you doing?
Uh, spending some quality
time with my dad.
That's very nice, but look, the clock is moving.
You have only about 16 seconds.
Keep bidding.
- No, no, I want you to see this. This is great.
- Keep bidding.
This is me at my graduation.
I know, the hair.
That, no, that's nice.
That's nice.
You have only five, four,
three, two, one...
- $999.
- Nine...
Barney, you got it exactly right!
- Happy wedding again!
- Oh, my...
I have to be honest, Bob. The big wheel
is the only weak part of my game.
I'm sure you'll do just fine, son.
Did you just...
- I'm ready, Bob.
- Do it! Do it! Here we go!
He's looking for the dollar.
- It's going around, and around...
- Oh, no, you spun it too hard.
No, he didn't spin it hard enough.
Here it comes, Barney.
You got it!
You won...
But Barney...
Barney, you're not through.
You've won $1,000.
You've won a place in the showcase.
You are doing splendidly so far.
Thank you, would you, would
you say you're proud of me?
Sure.
That was kind of a weird moment.
Very well, Barney, you have seen
the first showcase.
Do you want to bid on it
or do you want to pass it to Millie?
Please, no car and an above-ground spa?
Pass.
Millie, he has passed this showcase
to you. What do you bid on it?
- $17,640.
- $17,640.
Overbid!
Now, let's see Showcase #2.
Barney, your showcase
begins with a mystery.
Oh, I love this.
I can't believe how excited I am right now.
Barney, you have seen your showcase.
What do you bid on it?
Please, please.
Please.
Let me.
1-8-4-2-1.
I don't even know what we're going to do
with a dune buggy, but I want it!
And the actual retail price
of your showcase is...
- $14,628.
- $14,628. Millie, you are over.
Too bad.
Barney, you bid $18,421 on your showcase.
And the actual retail price of Barney's
showcase is... $18,421 exactly right!
- You win both showcases, Barney.
- Oh, my God!
Bob Barker, reminding you,
help control the pet...
Before, before we wrap up the show, there's
just something I want to say to you.
Congratulations on 35 wonderful
years hosting The Price Is Right.
Well, thank you, Barney.
Thank you...
Have your pets spayed or neutered.
Why didn't you tell him?
Well, it's just...
If you lived your whole life
thinking one thing,
it would be pretty devastating
to find out that wasn't true.
I just don't think Bob
could have handled it.
- Bob. Yeah.
- Probably a good choice.
Anyway, on the bright side.
Happy wedding again!
And that's the story of how
Uncle Barney gave
Lily and Marshall a dune buggy
for their wedding.
Um, I thought since we're going to be apart for two whole weeks,
I would sing you your night-night song.
Night-night, Lily
Night-night, Lily
It's time to go to bed, oh, my silly,
little Lily Time to rest your little head
Sha-la-la-la-la
Sha-la-la-la-la
- Come on, Ted.
- No, it's weird.
You promised.
Sha-la-la-la-la
Sha-la-la-la-la
Sha-la-la-la-la
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