In May of 2007,
Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall got married
at the historic Van Smoot
House in upstate New York.
Wow, it's beautiful, Lily.
Yeah. It's just how
I always pictured it.
Well, that was a load of crap.
You see, kids, when you get married,
you learn a hard lesson.
The wedding you set out to have is
almost never the wedding you end up with.
So, we've decided on a small,
outdoor wedding,
just family and close friends.
No more than 25 people
in a beautiful
garden somewhere,
maybe an acoustic
guitar playing
while we walk down the aisle.
And maybe you already know someone
who went down to the courthouse
and registered as an officiant
so that he or she-- he--
could perform the ceremony.
But you hate marriage.
Why do you want to perform the ceremony?
Because it subtly implants in
the mind of every woman there
that when I ask a question,
you say, "I do."
Yeah.
The closer you get
to the big day,
the more concessions you make.
Great. Now my mom's making
me invite the Lessners.
This puts our numbers
in the triple digits.
Wow. I guess sometimes,
Lessner is more... ner.
You know how like
sometimes less is more.
Yeah. This is one of
those times, sweetie?
You know what? That's okay.
It'll be a slightly big outdoor wedding.
So it's not going to be an
outdoor wedding anymore.
Marshall's dad is convinced if we
have an outdoor wedding in New York,
he's going to get mugged,
so it's going to be inside now.
It'll be great. We're still going
to have our acoustic guitar player.
So now,
instead of an acoustic guitar,
we're having a harp player.
Yeah. My dad owes a guy, and...
that guy's daughter plays the harp.
Is she hot? I'd love to be able to
cross "harp player" off my list.
How long is this list?
Dude, I'm not gonna count
how many pages the list is.
I'm not crass.
Well, it doesn't matter anyway.
She's pregnant.
Sweet! I can cross
off two things.
Transcript: Raceman
Subtitles: Willow's Team
www.forom.com
And the day arrives for Lily and
Marshall's very big indoor wedding...
with a harp.
Hi, Lily.
Wow. Andrea.
You really are pregnant.
Yeah.
How do you play the harp
with your belly so...?
Oh, I don't really--
I can only reach about half the strings.
You only play half the harp?
Yeah.
Oh, no. Uh, okay.
Lily, I will take care of this.
Um, I'll just pluck the other half.
Is it hard to learn?
I've been studying
the harp for 12 years.
Yeah, but I'm a fast learner.
You ever hear of "Guitar Hero"?
Learned that in a day.
Is there a "Harp Hero"?
Robin, it's fine.
So, so, when are you due?
Tuesday.
Wow, that's soon.
Last Tuesday.
Holy crap, we have to fire her.
She's gonna drop a shorty in
the middle of your ceremony.
Robin, I'm not going
to freak myself out.
I hate those women who say,
"Oh, my wedding
has to be perfect."
Things go wrong. Sometimes the
deejay screws up your playlist.
Sometimes you slip on placenta
during the recessional.
Can I grab a scotch
and soda real quick?
No. I'm not allowed to serve
anything until the reception.
Wow. You just cost
yourself a big tip, buddy.
I'm not allowed to
accept tips, buddy.
You allowed to
accept criticism?
You, sir, are an ass... buddy.
Hey, you want to know what line
doesn't work on a harp player?
"Hey, baby, want to pluck?"
Really? That didn't work.
Not even a little.
Hey! Who's Bill?
Bill?
Yeah. This guy came
up to me at the bar.
Can I ask you something?
Where in the ceremony is the place
where they ask if anyone objects?
Uh... Don't think
they do that anymore.
Oh, so when do you think
someone should do it?
Just wait for a lull or what?
Oh, no.
Did he look like a guy who tried
to be an umpire but failed?
He kind of did.
That's Scooter.
Your high school
boyfriend, Scooter?
His real name is Bill.
My mom must have invited him.
Why? Why would she do that?
Our families are really close.
But my ex-boyfriend?
Come on, Mom.
I didn't invite that professional
squash player Dad busted you with.
Oh, I need a glass of wine.
I'll get it.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, how's Marshall doing?
He's great.
He's about to get his hair cut.
Oh. I'm worried my cousin's
going to cut it too short.
Me, too. I was up all night.
Hello, Lily.
Hey, Bill.
Hey, Barney.
Scooter, what are
you doing here?
It's not "Scooter" anymore.
It's Bill.
A lot of things have
changed about me, Lily,
but one hasn't.
I still love you.
And I came here
to win you back.
You're really cute.
Oh, no. Really?
Lily, I-I know it's crazy,
but I love you,
and if you can
look me in the eye
and tell me that you
want to marry Marshall,
I will leave right now and
be out of your life forever.
I want...
I want...
Scooter!
I need a glass of wine.
And I need you to
get out of my face.
It's for the bride, so...
White or red?
White.
And, uh...
she'd also like a scotch and soda.
You got it.
She'd also like a bowl
of smoked almonds.
I don't have any,
but I guess I could run out
to the corner and get some.
Well, it's only the biggest
day of her life, so...
Let the games begin.
Here. Can't stay.
Got to try something.
Maybe my words won't
change your mind,
but maybe the words
of a poet will.
I read from "November Rain."
By W. Axl Rose.
That is a good song.
Barney said you needed me to
bounce some guy named Scooter?
What's up with Bill?
That's Scooter.
I'm on it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Can I have your phone number?
No.
It's for the bride.
Oh. Hold on.
Let me go get a pen.
The bride wants
you to walk slower.
Oh, wow.
Oh. Robin...
My makeup looks
perfect right now,
and I'm about to cry.
Do something.
I have hairy nipples.
Really?
No, but it worked, didn't it?
Hey. Funny story.
I tackled this guy I
thought was Scooter.
Turns out it was
your photographer.
Don't worry. I got this sweet
camera phone, so we're covered.
There's a photographer?
Oh, my God.
- Okay, I just have to call...
- Robin, stop. Stop.
It's okay.
I am not gonna let
anything get to me today.
I just got a call from the florist.
The flowers won't be here
till halfway through
the ceremony.
I'm okay.
I hate to bother you, but... I think
I found your veil in the parking lot.
I'm fine.
Just FYI: my water broke.
But I can probably...
...make it through.
Totally cool.
Oh, no.
Lily, I think I forgot
your bridal panties.
I-I thought I had them.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's okay,
I'll just wear the ones I have on.
Are you sure?
I'm marrying Marshall today.
So it doesn't even matter that
I'm gonna walk down the aisle
without a veil in a room
that has no flowers
to the music of half a harp
played by a woman who's crowning,
as my high school boyfriend
reads Guns N' Roses lyrics.
But that's okay,
because there's no photographer there
to take any pictures of it anyway.
Lily, are you okay?
What do you think?!
Of course I'm not okay!
Everything that could possibly
go wrong at my wedding has!
It's ruined!
What happened to "I don't
want a perfect wedding"?
Oh, grow up, Robin!
Of course I want a perfect wedding!
Oh, God. I wanted... I wanted not
to care about the wedding, but...
I do. I... I'm supposed to
feel like a princess today.
And you will.
It's gonna be okay, sweetie.
Why don't we go outside? I have
something that'll make you feel better.
What could you have that could
possibly make me feel better?
God, I hope Marshall's having
a better day than I'm having.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
Well, it's not too short.
My hair! Look at my hair!
She ruined my hair!
I look like one of
the Backstreet Boys!
You totally do.
And not even the good
Backstreet Boys,
the older, lame dance move,
comeback tour Backstreet Boys.
The good Backstreet Boys?
Guys! Guys!
What am I gonna do?!
What-what the hell
happened to you?
Lily's cousin is
in beauty school,
and Lily didn't want
her to do her hair,
so she said she could do mine.
So, um,
just not-not too short, okay?
Oh, no,
we don't even have to cut it at all.
Could just give it some style.
Oh, okay, yeah, that's great.
'Cause, um, when it gets too short,
it starts to look weird.
And I don't want to look weird
when I'm up there, you know.
Ooh, I could give you
some cool guy tips.
I don't think I need
advice on how to be cool,
but yeah, great,
lay that on me.
I can't get married like this!
There's no way!
Ah, let me see what I can do.
What? What can you do?
I have a superpower.
Lily is gonna kill me!
Look at me!
She's not gonna want
to marry me like this.
That's crazy.
Of course she will.
Would you marry me?
No. But not because of the hair.
It's because I have a rule:
never marry anyone you've
had a farting contest with.
Oh, great. So now you're saying Lily
and I shouldn't even get married?
Could I have everyone's
attention, please?
It's for the bride.
One, the bride would...
like all of this tension
out of my shoulders.
And she would like, let's say,
you in the inappropriately
short dress to rub them.
Two...
What was two?
Okay, we have a
bit of a situation.
Let's not panic.
Let's just find a solution.
Dude, you shaved
your freakin' head.
Yeah, yeah, but it's good.
I ought to shave it all off.
What a great solution.
Just be bald 'cause
it's cool, right?
Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan,
Britney Spears...
Oh, God, what did I do?!
How could you let
me shave my head?!
- What?!
- You're the worst best man ever!
I hate you!
I'm not going out there!
I'm leaving and I'm never coming back.
I'm gonna go find that money
under the rock by the tree
and go live with the guys on
the beach in Zihautanejo.
Dude, those guys are criminals.
Only Red Andy was
falsely accused.
Ted, you're my best man!
You got to do something!
Okay, all right, come here.
Just breathe, breathe, all right?
Don't worry. Don't worry.
- I'll just... I'll take these.
- No!
- Uh, hi. Uncle Ben, right?
- Yes.
Yes, we're, we're having a little
bit of a problem back there.
Um, and I was wondering
if you could help us out.
Yeah.
Marshall accidentally
shaved part of his head.
- Oh, no!
- Yeah.
Yeah, so here's what
I was thinking.
What if I found something
to cover up the bald area?
Yeah, that would probably work,
but with what?
That's a tough one.
Maybe a wig of some
sort or a, um...
toupee.
Something that matches
his hair color,
which is, which is kind of the same
color as the top of your hair.
Mm, yeah.
Does anyone here wear a toupee?
Shouldn't be hard to find out.
Most of them are pretty bad.
That is true. That is true.
We just need to find
someone who wears a toupee
that is the same color
as Marshall's and your hair.
Boy, that's a
pretty tall order.
Really?
You can't think of any
place in the general area
where there might be a toupee of
the kind I'm describing to you?
No, not off the top of my...
No. Can't.
Let me come at this from a different
angle. I got $50 in my pocket
- which is probably a lot more...
- The bride needs this.
Actually, I think
it kinda works.
It totally does.
Barney?
To be honest, I'm, uh,
I'm jealous I don't
get to wear it.
Okay, problem solved.
Crisis averted.
Let's get me married.
It looks terrible, doesn't it?
It kinda looks like fur,
which gives you the appearance
of a cleaned-up Bigfoot.
- Oh, you know...
- In a bad way.
Hey. Cool hair, bro.
What happened to your shirt?
I got sauce on it when
I tackled the caterer.
You gonna put another shirt on?
No, I'm good.
Hey, you guys seen Scooter?
What? What? Scooter's here?
That guy's at my wedding?
Not for long, bro.
Not for long.
Okay, you know what?
I need some air.
I think we should go
for a walk, okay?
It would cover up the problem.
It's festive
and it celebrates the heritage
of this great nation.
Okay, unless you actually
have one in your car,
stop suggesting authentic
Native American headdress.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God!
Marshall...
Lily, you're not
supposed to see me.
Holy crap, I don't think
anyone's supposed to see you.
What happened?
Did Amy do this to you?
Just the frosted tips.
I did the rest. I'm sorry, baby.
I've ruined the whole wedding,
haven't I?
Oh, no,
you didn't ruin the wedding, sweetie.
It was already ruined.
There's no flowers,
no photographer.
Oh, and Scooter's here,
by the way.
Yeah, I know. I heard.
My veil got thrashed,
the harp player is in labor,
and I'm not wearing
my wedding underwear.
What? No "Property of
Marshall" across the back?
How are people going to
know whose butt that is?
What happened?
Remember the wedding we wanted,
the intimate outdoor ceremony?
I wish we could
have that wedding.
So do it.
What?
Get married now.
Right here.
Look, it's outside like
you always wanted.
Intimate, close friends.
There's no guitar,
but it's pretty close.
Barney can officiate.
Yes. Yes, I can.
Uh, excuse me, guys.
You all dropped something:
your jaws--
because Barney Stinson is about
to aid and abet a marriage.
Could we even do that? I mean,
what about all those people in there?
Do that one, too.
And then when everything goes wrong,
you won't care because you already
had the real wedding out here.
What do you think, baby?
I love it.
Me, too.
Let's do it.
Let's get married before we get married.
Great.
Wait, hold on.
Excuse me, sir.
Could we borrow your hat?
Okay.
Thank you.
Hat.
We thought of authentic
Native American headdress
before we thought of hat.
Thank you all for coming.
For those of you
who don't know me...
I'm not the biggest
believer in marriage.
But... you two are so great together,
you know?
It's like you were, uh,
made for each other.
- He's gonna cry.
- No, I'm not.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not,
I'm not, I'm not.
Lily and Marshall...
when everyone sees you, they...
see true love.
It's the best love...
Can we just, um,
move on to the rings or something?
Oh, no.
I don't have my vows.
I don't have mine either.
You don't need your vows.
Just say why you love each other.
Okay, I'll go first.
Lily,
there are a million
reasons why I love you.
You make me laugh
and you take care of
me when I'm sick.
You're sweet, caring and you even
created an egg dish and named it after me.
She puts a little Italian dressing in
scrambled eggs before she cooks them.
It's called "Eggs Marshall,"
and it's awesome.
But the main reason
that I love you is
that you're my
best friend, Lily.
You're, uh...
you're the best friend I ever had.
- I'm sorry, buddy.
- No problem.
It's totally okay.
My turn.
Oh, thank you.
Marshall, I love you
because you're funny
and you make me feel loved
and you make me feel safe
and for our anniversary you
gave me a sweatshirt that says,
"Lily and Marshall.
Rockin' It Since '96."
I kinda wish I was
wearing it right now
'cause it smells like you.
But the main reason I love you,
Marshall Ericksen,
is you make me happy.
You make me happy all the time.
Hey, I found your panties!
I'm good.
Marshall, do you take Lily to be your wife
to have and to hold from this day forward?
- Slow down.
- I can't.
From this day forward so as
long as you both shall live?
I do.
Lily, do you promise to take Marshall to
be your husband to have and to hold... live?
I do.
Okay, then,
by the power invested in me by
the very bitter old Pakistani man
who works down at the
courthouse on Lafayette Street,
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- Do you smoke?
- No.
Wow. First lie of marriage.
That was fast.
After that, we all went back
inside for the second wedding.
And yes,
a lot of things did go wrong,
but it didn't matter
because when I look
back on that day,
what I remember is
the first wedding;
the intimate outdoor ceremony
with just close friends
and an acoustic guitar.
How do you feel?
Tired. I got
married twice today.
So where do you want to do it for
the first time as a married couple,
nice hotel room or a
reception hall bathroom?
What do you think?
Bathroom, of course.
Please don't.
- Sorry, Ted.
- Sorry, Ted.
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