How I Met Your Mother - S04E03 - I Heart NJ

<i>Kids, in the fall of 2008,
I had a little problem.
All right, I gotta get to Stella's.
Tonight's the night, guys.
I've tried it before. I've failed every time.
This time, I am gonna do it.
Tonight I pick up a lesbian.
- Robin, I need your lipstick.
- Oh, man!
- Take pictures, all right?
- Bye, Ted.
<i>I lived in New York,
<i>but Stella lived across the river
in New Jersey.
Oh, man.
<i>Which meant
I was always taking the train.
- What's up, Ted?
- Hey, Matisse.
- Hey, T-Diddy!
- Theodore!
- You missed it.
- Robin got that national anchor job.
And we got a free bottle of champagne.
- But it's empty now.
- Oh, man.
<i>And as result, it seemed like
I was missing out on everything.
Sorry, we couldn't wait.
It was getting cold.
Oh, man!
- Hey, big guy.
- What's up, G?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. It's just,
you know,
I wanna hang out with you guys.
I wanna hang out with my friends.
I just feel like
I'm spending all my time on the train.
Okay, how about this.
Why don't you ask your friends
- to come out here sometime?
- That's a great idea.
You want us to go to New Jersey?
That is rich.
- Why?
- Well, for starters,
I don't have
any of my gold medallions anymore.
I sold them when they went out of style
400 years ago.
- Lily?
- Sorry, Ted.
I'm a born and raised New Yorker.
I'm programmed to despise and loathe
New Jersey and all that it stands for.
Why am I telling you this?
You hate New Jersey more than anyone.
What? I don't hate New Jersey.
Why would you think that?
And then he cut in front of me!
God, I hate line cutters
more than I hate New Jersey!
Well, that's not true. There is nothing
I hate more than New Jersey.
Huh?
Right?
Hey, you want us to wait for you or...
No, I might be a while.
I gotta drop a massive New Jersey.
Okay, so New Jersey's
not my favorite place.
But once Stella and I get married
and she and Lucy move in with me,
I'll never set foot in New Jersey again.
Unless I'm going to see a Giants game
or flying out of Newark
or, God forbid, disposing of a body.
Ted, if you murder me
and bury me in New Jersey,
I'll haunt you forever.
But if I murder you
and bury you somewhere else?
I'll leave you alone.
I'm sure you had your reasons.
<i>Kids, your Aunt Robin was
sick of her job at Metro News 1.
<i>She was sick of the low production value...
I'm Robin Scherbatsky,
and you're watching
Etro News 1 at 11:00.
And again at 1:00.
<i>...sick of the stories she had to report...
So hurry up and get your votes in
for New York's cutest doggie.
<i>...and most of all,
she was sick of all the stupid puns.
Four transit workers were electrocuted
when a subway train jumped the tracks.
Stay tuned for the shocking derails.
Joel, people died.
<i>So when the call came in
that she got the big national anchor job,
<i>she finally got to say the words
she'd been dreaming of saying for years.
<i>Tonight will be my last broadcast.
<i>I came to Metro News 1
as a little caterpillar,
<i>and for four years,
this desk has been my cocoon.
<i>But tonight,
I emerge an ambitious butterfly.
Why does she sound like an idiot?
Did she have a stroke?
Yeah. A stroke of genius.
This speech is really good.
<i>With one eye on the horizon,
one eye on the truth,
<i>and one eye on all of you.
You wrote it for her, didn't you?
It's a modified version of the speech I gave
when I had to leave the swim team
because of a chronic inner ear situation.
- I thought you were the towel boy.
- It's part of the team.
<i>So that Saturday, as Robin went off
for her first day at her new job,
<i>we all headed across the river
<i>to experience
some of that crazy New Jersey nightlife.
Okay, Stella couldn't find a sitter,
so we can't go out.
Instead, we're all gonna hang out here,
and it's gonna be just as awesome.
Right? We got board games,
we got movies,
and I think there may be some beer
out in the garage.
Ted, this is pathetic. It's Saturday night.
We should be out at a bar drinking alcohol.
Now I know that that sounds depressing,
bordering on tragic, but it's just a fact!
Yeah, and I wanna take another crack
at that chick, Doris.
- I know I can land that lesbian plane.
- No snakes on that plane.
Okay, guys. Come on, you promised.
Let's just hang out here, try to have fun.
I mean, we're all together.
Friends hanging out.
Isn't that what really matters?
Okay, if we take the next train,
we can be at MacLaren's by 11:00.
- We can be there by 10:00.
- No, I have to change first.
I am not walking into MacLaren's
smelling like New Jersey.
Whoa.
Wow. You guys really hate it here, huh?
What? No, Stels.
No. No, I get it.
I mean, you guys are all New Yorkers.
You need to go hang out at a bar.
Well, you could just hang out
at the coolest bar in the state,
which is so close it will blow your mind.
And boom goes the dynamite.
The coolest bar in New Jersey.
- Yeah, it probably is.
- This is great!
We got darts. Half a ping-pong table.
A fish bowl. Look what turned out to be
an awesome night as promised.
Maybe we can drop some Bac-Os in here
and make them fight.
No, thanks. I don't mess with fish bowls
unless they have my two favorite fish,
the suckerfish and the blowfish. What up!
For blowfish? I don't think so.
- Marshall.
- You're better than that.
- Lily.
- Not good enough.
Stella?
Sorry.
I am not lowering this
until someone gives me the respect
of another person's knuckles
tapping against mine
in a light but decisive manner.
Pretty, pretty. Pretty, pretty. Pretty...
Who's a pretty baby?
Then know this.
Until it gets what it wants, nay, deserves,
this fist will not yield.
It will not yield.
- So who wants to play Scrabble?
- Sure, whatever.
Heads up, the X tile is a little hard to read
'cause a couple years ago,
it went all the way through my dog.
You know,
maybe we should get a dog again,
- when you move in.
- When I what?
Great. There's Robin.
- I thought they were moving in with you?
- So did I.
Oh, God, am I moving to New Jersey?
Hey, guys, I bet that dog
was really flying high
after it swallowed a little X. Nailed it!
Come on!
- I can't live here.
- It wouldn't be that bad.
You could put a minifridge over there
and maybe some Nok Hockey.
Nok Hockey. Nice one, big man.
Yeah, I meant New Jersey in general,
not this basement.
She wants me to move here? I don't get it.
We discussed this months ago.
So I was thinking after the wedding,
you and Lucy could move in here.
Yeah, she could play
out on the fire escape,
maybe make friends with that guy
who sleeps on that couch out in the alley,
ride her bike up and down Broadway.
That's a great idea, Ted.
Look, I don't understand
why you'd want to live in New Jersey
when you have a chance
to live in Manhattan.
I thought having a rent-controlled
apartment on the Upper West Side
was half the reason
she agreed to marry me.
Really, I thought it was the whole reason.
What is up?
- Hey.
- Robin, hey! Looking good.
- Bump the Barnacle.
- Stella already told me not to.
- How was your first day?
- It wasn't.
- What?
- It wasn't my first day.
I showed up
and there were 20 other people.
It turns out, I didn't actually get the job.
I only got an audition.
- What, how did that happen?
- I don't know,
because he told me that I got it.
I got it? I got it!
<i>And just to be clear,
when I say "you got it,"
<i>I mean an audition. You got an audition.
<i>I don't want there to be any confusion.
You have an audition only.
<i>Not the job.
Thank you! Thank you!
Okay, I'm gonna call and beg Joel
to give me my job back.
- No.
- You hated that job.
I don't know. It wasn't so bad.
Robin, what did they make you call
Tropical Storm Hector
when it was raining cats and dogs?
A furricane.
Hey, Ted.
- Rock me like a furricane.
- Nice.
Mean.
Okay, yeah, it sucks, but what can I do?
I mean, I'm not gonna get that other job.
You guys should have seen
the other women at this audition.
They all had more experience than me,
were more ethnic than me.
There was an African-American chick
with blue eyes.
How can I compete with that?
You can't.
No, you can compete with anyone.
You're Robin Scherbatsky.
You're confident, strong, tall,
with crazy long legs
that look great in shorts.
I'm calling Joel.
No, no. Robin, if you call him right now,
you will hate yourself.
Look, I have slept with lots of women
who afterwards told me off
and stormed out. And sometimes,
they'd pick up the phone
and they'd call me,
and then we'd hook up again.
And when we were finished,
I could see that look on their faces,
that look that says they hate themselves
and they wish they'd never called.
But if you could see that look...
Actually, you can see that look,
there's a video, www...
No, no! Stop, okay? I won't call.
Don't drink the beer!
I just remembered when I bought it.
It was right before
I got pregnant with Lucy.
Ted, would you mind
running to PriceCo and picking some up?
And while you're there,
maybe you could sign up for a card.
I mean, you'll probably
end up going there all the time.
That's the look.
I can't move here. I hate it here.
I would kill myself.
Maybe New Jersey's not that bad, okay?
Stella has a lawn.
You could get a riding lawn mower.
They sell them over there.
I saw one with a cup holder.
I saw a recliner with a built-in cup holder.
I even saw a hammock with a cup holder.
You live in New Jersey,
you never have to hold a cup again.
I don't think I have as big a problem
holding cups as you do.
I will give you $100 to fist bump me.
$200.
Just put it down, Barney.
Your arm must be killing you by now.
$10,000.
Look, you'll be right across the river.
You'll be in New York all the time.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Excuse me.
You guys are from New York, right?
Yeah, we moved here from Manhattan.
- Do you ever get into the city?
- All the time.
See? All the time.
- When was the last time you were there?
- We just had dinner at O'Rourke's.
That's been closed for six years.
Maybe it has been a while.
Funny, we don't miss it.
I guess we're New Jersey-ians now.
Honey, look, dog shirts.
I can't do it. I'm just gonna tell Stella
she and Lucy have to move
into the city and that's that.
Okay, what do you guys think?
Beagle or Boston terrier?
Are those tears?
They're awesome, manly pain tears.
They're not emotional.
Okay, they're a little bit emotional.
Where's Robin?
Oh, no. She's...
Hey, Shirley, it's Robin calling for Joel.
- Robin, hang up the phone. Don't do this.
- Sorry, I know, okay?
- If you don't hang up right now...
- Stop! Hey, Joel, it's Robin.
So Madam Butterfly
wants to come back to the cocoon.
Yeah, look, I'm sorry I said all that stuff.
Well, you can stick your sorries
in your sock drawer
'cause you've already been replaced.
I've got Brian in makeup
and he couldn't be more excited.
I can't do this. I can't do this.
Okay, look, as much as I wanna see
college boy here wet himself on camera,
if you can get here in time
to read the 11:00 news,
you can have your old job back.
Okay, I have a half hour
to make it to the studio.
There's no way
you can make it to the city in a half hour.
Robin, don't do this.
I know it's scary to bet on yourself,
but if you don't, nobody else will.
And I'm not just saying that
to get a fist bump.
Although, come on, a fist bump
would be great. But I really mean that.
I am betting on myself. I am betting
that I can make it there by 11:00.
Hey, did you get the beer?
Yeah, I got a 144-pack.
The rest is in the trunk.
- And did you sign up for the membership?
- No.
- Why not?
- There was a line for the photos.
My hair's a mess.
I don't wanna move to New Jersey.
- What?
- I can't do it,
and I can't see any reason why
you and Lucy shouldn't move to New York.
Well, my daughter goes to school here,
all of her friends are here,
I've lived here my whole life,
my whole family is here,
this is my house, I'm on the PTA
and, as of June 1, I'm the deputy mayor.
Yes, but my apartment
is really close to the subway.
Ted, we're not moving. End of discussion.
How can it be end of discussion
if there's never been a discussion?
This is part of being a parent.
I can't just uproot Lucy.
People with kids move all the time.
I think it would be really great for Lucy
to grow up
in the greatest city in the world.
Here we go. New York's the greatest city
in the whole wide world.
It's where dreams come true
and pigeon poop tastes like tapioca.
Wanna know a little secret, Ted?
New Jersey is better than New York.
Better than... You think... I...
The Empire State... H&H...
Lincoln... Zabar's... Papaya King!
New York is the intellectual
and cultural hub of the planet.
New York is full of weirdoes
and snobs and mean people.
Ted, do you know that, once,
an old lady actually called me a bitch
and threw a cat in my face?
And you wanna know if that
happened in New Jersey? Uh-uh.
86th and Lex, right in front
of your beloved little Papaya King.
Ted, people are nice in New Jersey.
I mean, it's the kind of place
where you know your neighbors.
- Hey, I know my neighbors.
- Oh, yeah? Like who?
Right across the hall, I got Claxpamon.
- Claxpamon?
- His name is Paxton.
Love that dude.
Sorry, in a hurry. Gotta get to the front.
Gotta get off first.
Don't run over Matisse.
Okay, Stella, this is crazy.
You can't actually think
that New Jersey is better than New York.
New York has Broadway.
We win right there.
Oh, no, she did not. Knuckle up for safety.
We have Atlantic City.
Can't beat the AC. Pretty please?
No one has to know.
- New York has Greenwich Village.
- New Jersey has the Shore.
Woody Allen.
Oscar-winning chronicler
of urban neuroses. Bump it!
- Bruce Springsteen.
- Sinatra!
Yeah, he's from Hoboken, New Jersey.
<i>Yeah, but what city is he singing about?
It's not Secaucus, Secaucus.
Come on.
<i>Now, you kids can either
believe this or not,
<i>but this is how
your Aunt Robin swears it happened.
Look, Stella, I understand that,
coming from New Jersey,
you don't picture yourself
loving New York,
but trust me, Marshall didn't expect to,
and now he wouldn't think
of living anywhere else.
I hate New York!
I'm sorry, but it's true.
Okay, today I was walking around PriceCo.
Have you ever been there? It's huge.
All the stores in New York are so cramped.
Every time I turn, I knock something over.
I'm like some huge monster that came out
of the ocean to destroy bodegas.
- But, Marshall, you love New York.
- Yeah, I do, except that I hate it.
I'm too big for New York, okay?
I'm always trying to fit
into cramped little subway seats
or duck under doorways
that were built 150 years ago.
Hey, guess what? People are bigger now.
Build bigger doorways.
- What the hell is the matter with you?
- Small city, big man, give it up.
And it's so loud all the time.
Yes, it's the city that never sleeps.
Well, guess what, I like to sleep.
I've been tired for eight years.
Tired and scared
with black and blue marks on my elbows
from trying to fit through
all these tiny elf doorways.
New Jersey's great.
It's got huge stores and lawns
and you never have to carry a cup again.
Not for the rest of your life.
I'm not afraid to say it. I love New Jersey.
I'm just kidding.
Look, Stella, I get it, okay?
I see what you're saying. I guess,
we could live in Brooklyn.
You know what, Ted?
Live wherever you want. I don't care.
Awkward silence. Tap it.
Hey, Lucy. What are you doing up?
There were some loud noises
in the basement.
Sorry about that.
- Why don't you get back to bed, sweetie?
- I can't go to sleep without a story.
- Okay, I'll just get your mom...
- Why don't you read it to me?
Okay, come on.
<i>You know she thrills me
with all her charms
<i>When I'm wrapped up
in my baby's arms
<i>My little girl
gives me everything
<i>When I'm walking down the street
with you
<i>Sing sha la la la la la la
I'm moving here.
- Really?
- Really.
New Jersey wins.
Thank you!
Wait!
Good evening, New York.
Hey, look, she made it.
Our top story tonight,
the newborn panda at the Central Park Zoo
got its first tooth today.
I guess that makes her a molar bear.
Molar bear.
Molar bear.
You know what? I really am done.
Good night, New York.
Wow, she really quit.
You think we had anything
to do with that?
Yeah, I think we did.
Nice job, Barney.
Oh, my God! Thank you!
That was killing my arm.
My arm hasn't been this sore
since I was 13 years old
and figured out how to lock a bathroom.
Up top.
Oh, no.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What's wrong?
Well, I officially didn't get that job.
- I'm so sorry.
- That's okay.
They offered me another one.
Hey, that's great.
What are you gonna be doing?
Foreign correspondent.
I'm moving to Japan.