Barney is crazy
if he thinks this is gonna work.
- I think it's gonna work.
- I hope it doesn't work.
Here he comes.
- You there, what's your name?
- Excuse me?
Your name, woman, what's your name?
- Cindy.
- I knew it.
You're the Cindy,
the one who can change everything,
or spell our inevitable doom.
Now listen to me, Cindy.
I am Barney Stinson, and I am
on an urgent mission from the future.
- The future?
- The future, and I can prove it to you.
In exactly four seconds,
the woman at that booth
is going to slap that man.
Ow! What the hell?
- Wow!
- In a few minutes,
the young me from your time
is going to come through that door.
Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane,
but in order to save the planet,
you need to sleep with him tonight.
- What? I...
- Sleep with Barney Stinson tonight,
in whatever way he wants it,
or he won't be able to find
the solution to global warming
that saves the human race.
- What are you talking about?
- I have no time to explain.
I have to get back to the reality accelerator
before the vortex closes.
Only you can save us, Cindy. I must away!
Okay, guys, the movers are coming
in 14 hours.
We've got to get back upstairs
and finish packing.
You guys still aren't finished packing?
How is this taking so long?
Hey, all the great memories of our 20s
took place in that apartment.
It's not like throwing stuff in a box.
You start to reminisce.
Not me. The key?
Throw stuff out, never look back.
I'm moving to Japan.
It took me a half hour to pack.
- A half hour?
- Well, it would have taken me 20 minutes,
but a friend called me in tears.
- Moving is really emotional, okay?
- It is. I mean, everything is changing.
I'm gonna be living in New Jersey
with Stella,
you guys will be in your new place.
- You're starting a new job in Tokyo.
- Hmm.
I mean, it's the end of an era.
I think we should have a toast,
but not our usual crap.
Hey, Wendy,
your most expensive bottle of Scotch.
That's 50-year-old Glen McKenna,
and it's $2,500.
Excellent.
A bottle of that with beer chasers,
- and what do you think, cancel the Scotch?
- Yeah.
- Vodka rocks.
- It's not gonna work.
Oh, my God! You're... Oh, my God!
Can I buy you a drink?
Oh. Yeah,
I suppose I have time for one drink
and 45 minutes to an hour
of some other activity,
but after that, I have to get back
to a top-secret research project
I'm working on.
- Global warming?
- My God! How did you know that?
Hey, look at this.
A photo from the first day
we moved into this place.
So many great memories.
See? That is exactly the type
of crap you should be trashing.
So you don't keep any photos?
No, they're like love letters
or yearbooks or someone's ashes.
They just take up space.
Besides, Stella's not gonna
let you keep half of this junk.
Why wouldn't she?
Oh, Ted, oh, sweetie.
Okay, here's the thing that guys only learn
after they move in with a woman.
- All of your stuff is stupid.
- Like what?
Um... Like anything you bought
at a Renaissance fair.
Hey, there's not enough mead in the world
to make me get rid of my flail.
Oh, hey, Ted, since we're clearly
not getting our security deposit back,
I thought maybe you could reimburse me
for my half.
Wait a second.
Why should I have to pay more than you?
Because you treated this apartment
the way John Bonham
treated his central nervous system.
- That's not true.
- Exhibit A.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What's that?
- A 1986 World Book Encyclopaedia.
- It's exactly the one I grew up with.
- Encyclo-pay-dia?
Oh. You think it should
be pronounced encyclo-pee-dia.
It's a common mistake.
But if you look up that squished together
"A-E" symbol in this here encyclopaedia,
you'll learn that it's a ligature derived
from the Anglo-Saxon rune ash...
You know, you're gonna have
to pay-dia for that.
But you never did.
And then, there's Exhibit B.
Good morrow, fair gentles.
Look what I won at the Renaissance Faire.
And you're also responsible
for any damage Robin did
- while she was your girlfriend.
- Whoa! What damage did I cause?
Do you remember that night
when you drank the 12er of Molson
and you got all super-Canadian?
Stanley Cup, Game 6, eh?
The Rangers are about to be sorry
they ever played shinny with the Canucks.
Hey. Hey, Robin.
- Yeah?
I'll give you 20 bucks if you
can shoot it through this front door.
You're nuttier
than a Tim Horton's maple log.
Timmy Ho!
That's it, Robin. Give me the stick.
I'll give you summer teeth.
Some are here, some are there.
Robin, give me the stick.
- Take off, hoser.
Whoa!
- That's it!
- Hey, hey!
- Get her, boys, get her!
- You want to scrap? I'll scrap!
- Guys, come on!
- Go America!
All right. All right, break it, break it up!
Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight!
Never!
Entirely Barney's fault. As, by the way,
is the big scorch mark over the fireplace.
<i>Kids, to understand the story
of the scorch mark,
<i>I first need to tell you the story
of the intervention for our friend Stuart.
- What's going on?
- Stuart, this is an intervention.
"The alcohol changes you, Stuart.
It makes you a different person.
"And I'm in love
with the man that I married. "
Thank you.
This is just the push I need.
I love you guys.
Hey, hey! There's the birthday boy.
Time to let the party monster
out of its cage, Stewie!
- No!
- Come on, buddy.
People don't want to see
Bruce Banner, dude.
They want to see the Hulk.
Hulk. Hulk. Hulk. What?
Oh.
That's what I get for skimming the Evite.
<i>Later that day, we celebrated
our first successful intervention.
I'm really proud of us for helping Stuart.
Yeah, what an amazing,
honest, human moment.
I agree. Yay us.
Marshall, are you really gonna
keep wearing that hat?
Yeah, it's been two weeks, Marshall.
Two awesome weeks.
And heck, yeah, I'm gonna keep wearing it.
- Hey.
- Marshall,
this is an intervention.
- It's about the hat.
- What? No. I have it under control, okay?
I can take it off whenever I want.
"Dear Marshall,
"I do not like that stupid hat.
I want to beat it with a bat.
"Or maybe stab it with a fork.
It makes you look like such a dork. "
<i>After that,
interventions became a
<i>pretty regular thing around our apartment.
Cor blimey.
This is a nice bloody surprise.
What's this about, then?
Lily, it's about
the weird, fake English accent.
Bollocks.
I think we should...
Spray tan?
They reel you in with a coupon,
and then you just get hooked.
Oh, we know, sweetie, we know.
No, no, no, no, this is a new sweater.
- What?
- The magic tricks.
- Specifically, those involving fire.
- Magic tricks?
Guys, interventions are supposed
to help people,
not attack every little thing
you don't like about them.
I'm sorry, but that really steams me.
That really burns me up!
I mean, I am filled with a white-hot rage!
Thank you.
- Oh, shoot.
- I smell hair! I smell hair!
<i>And that's the story
of the scorch mark.
Wait, that's weird.
When I was going through the closet,
I thought I saw the intervention banner.
So?
So, the banner burned up.
Why is there a new one?
And there are sealed letters
here from all of you that say "Ted. "
Were you guys planning
an intervention for me?
Oh, that. That was stupid.
Yeah, just forget about that.
What was it for? The Crocs?
- The hair product?
- Not Stella.
Oh, my God, this was about Stella.
I just said "Not Stella. " So maybe it was
about your poor listening skills, Ted.
- What?
- It's out of control. See?
You guys don't think I should marry Stella.
You guys don't think I should marry Stella.
Ted, we do. We're all really happy for you.
- Yeah, like I said, it was stupid.
- Well, obviously, it wasn't,
because we agreed not to have
any more stupid interventions
at our intervention intervention.
We're having too many interventions.
So, what was your big, serious
problem with me and Stella?
Yes! Yes! In everyone's face!
You all said the future-Barney thing
wouldn't work.
You told me I was crazy.
My shrink told me I was crazy.
Well, who's the narcissist with severe
attachment disorder now, Dr. Grossbard?
- Intervention banner? What's that for?
- Stella.
Oh.
- "Ted, I cannot stand idly by... "
- You've just been carrying that around?
Please, Ted? "I cannot stand idly by
"while you make the biggest mistake
any man can make. Getting married.
"Mark my words, this whole thing
is gonna go up in flames!"
Oh, damn! I put the flame cue too early.
I had so many more
important things to say, and...
The point is, Ted, marriage is stupid.
Every year, there are a million
new, hot 22-year-olds walking into bars,
and call me "glass-half-full,"
but I think they're getting dumber.
Oh, come on, Barney,
even you aren't still gonna be
hitting on 22-year-olds when you're 80.
- I accept that challenge.
- What challenge?
To prove to you that I will be exactly
this awesome when I'm 80,
I will hook up with a 22-year-old
while in my old-man makeup.
I didn't remotely challenge you to that.
I mean, I definitely want to see it.
But I didn't remotely challenge you to that.
- I want to hear the other letters.
- Ted, this is ridiculous.
- We changed our minds.
- And suppose you change them back?
Lily, come on, let's hear yours.
"Gilbert's reading skills have
improved drastically since... "
Wait, this is a letter I meant to send home
with one of my kindergarteners.
Uh-oh.
Gilbert, are things moving too fast
between you and a girl named Stella?
I wish.
Robin, could I hear yours?
"Dear Ted, it's encyclo-pee-dia,
not encyclo-pay-dia.
"Why do you always say things
in the most pretentious way possible?
"It makes you sound douchey,
and that's douche-ee, not douch-ay. "
Yeah, you already read that one
at my pronunciation intervention.
- Where's the letter about Stella?
- I didn't write one. I'm your ex-girlfriend.
I figured anything I said on the subject
would sound catty.
Plus, I'm hotter than her, so who cares?
Marshall?
- Dude, it's water under the bridge...
- Please.
"Dear Ted,
Stella seems like a wonderful person.
"But you don't know her
well enough to get married.
"You certainly don't know her well enough
"to commit
to raising a 7-year-old with her.
"You're not doing her, her child or yourself
any favors by rushing into this.
"Just give it some more time. "
Dude, that was months ago, all right?
That was before we got to know Stella,
and see how awesome she is
and what a great couple you guys are.
That's why we decided not
to even have that intervention.
Thank you. Because I really need you guys
to be on board with this.
- And we are.
- We hope you're not mad at us.
Of course not. I mean,
it's not like what you said was crazy.
- You had a lot of valid concerns.
- Yeah, but concerns
we have completely moved on from.
But you had a point. I mean,
this whole thing has moved pretty fast.
Well, you know what? Maybe that's
because when it's right, you just know.
Yeah, I guess, but we are still
getting to know each other.
And, Lily, maybe you're right.
Maybe Stella won't like any of my stuff.
Like the robot cookie jar.
This was, like, the first thing
we bought for this place, remember?
Yeah, of course I do.
Marshall,
my sensors indicate
that your pecan-sandy levels
are dangerously low.
My collection of
James Bond movies.
Remember? We watched them all in order,
and then Lily spoke in that weird
English accent for, like, the next month?
- It was sophisticated.
- No.
- Nope.
- No.
My signed Bernie Kosar cleats.
My elephant lamp.
The English phone booth. My sombrero!
- Ted, what are you doing?
- Unpacking.
I am never
leaving this apartment.
No, no, Ted, stop unpacking.
You're just freaking out.
I'm not ready for all the responsibility.
And I'm certainly not ready to be
a stepdad to a 7-year-old.
I mean, if I get married and move
to the suburbs, in the blink of an eye,
I've become an old man!
Why, hello, young lady.
You want a butterscotch candy?
What do you mean, "Nothing in common?"
We're both seniors.
- You're cute. How old are you?
- 83.
- How old are you?
- Thirty-one.
Okay, Ted has officially snapped.
There are moving men coming
in 10 hours.
His fiancée is waiting for him
in New Jersey. We have to do something.
I've got this.
- Hey, bud?
- Hey.
- Why don't you come here for a minute?
- What?
Look, I want you to know
this is all totally normal.
Big transitions can be scary, and cold feet,
well, they're just part of the deal.
So how about you give me the knife?
Give me the knife.
Come on.
So I can start unpacking, too.
I'm staying here
right by your side forever, buddy!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Marshall!
- Lily, our lives have been good here.
That's why we've been putting off packing.
Because, subconsciously, we both know
that it would be stupid to leave.
It's safe and warm here.
There's a bar downstairs
and a cookie robot in the kitchen.
- This is my home, and I'm never leaving!
- Listen to you.
You sound like that fat,
dweeby kid at camp.
"Mom, Dad, I want to come home.
"The cool kids are playing Keep Away
with my inhaler. "
I can't believe my dad
read that letter at our wedding.
Marshall, you can't do this to Lily.
Yes, I know your new place
has had some problems,
with the slanted floors
and the nearby sewage treatment plant,
but you're gonna turn it into a great home.
Tell him, Lily.
It's a black hole where dreams go to die.
I'm not moving, either.
- Oh, come on!
- Yes!
Okay, you guys finish unpacking.
I'm gonna go bake some cookies
to fill R2-Sweet Tooth.
Oh, my God, look at you cowards!
So afraid of any kind of change.
So terrified of anything new.
So desperate to cling to anything
comfortable and familiar.
I can't move to Japan.
- Yes!
- Whoa!
What was I thinking? It's so far away
and I don't speak the language.
I don't even have any good pictures
of you guys.
Oh, sweetie.
Everybody says change is so great, right?
But what's so great about change?
Hey, who wants to walk
down to our same old bar,
sit in our regular booth
and order the usual?
- Yeah!
- The usual! My favorite!
Oh, my God.
Well, well, well.
I believe someone owes me $200.
Barney, this was never a bet. Nobody...
This proves that I will be
this awesome when I'm 80.
Arthritis-five.
I'm moving to New Jersey.
- What?
- And you and Marshall should move
to your new place,
and Robin should go to Japan.
Why?
Because we're gonna get older
whether we like it or not,
so the only question is,
whether we want to get on with our lives
or desperately cling to the past
and end up like that?
You mean awesome?
I'm 80, dude,
and I'm making out with a 22-year-old.
<i>Take me to your place, chéri.
<i>- I want to see your World War II medals.
- In a minute, mon petit.
- All right, so that doesn't count.
- What? Why?
She's French. That's like playing tennis
with the net down.
You know what?
I'll cover the security deposit.
I'm glad to,
because every dent in that place
represents a memory
that I'll cherish forever.
But on one condition. We all put aside
10 bucks every week for the next year,
and we come back here
and we buy that 50-year-old Scotch,
and we toast the incredible
life-changing year we've all had.
Get out of our booth.
Me with my new family,
Marshall and Lily in their new apartment,
and Robin as the number-one
English-speaking journalist
in the Pacific Rim, visiting us
here in New York to celebrate this day,
the day we closed
an incredible chapter in our lives,
only to open up a new one.
- Um. I think I left my cell...
- Get out of here!
<i>And one year later,
that's exactly what we did.
And so, let's raise a glass of $2,500 Scotch
for one hell of a year.
Hmm.
- Amazing.
- That's unbelievable.
It's kind of smoky,
with a hint of aged cedar, and...
Do you guys taste the difference
between this and $10 Scotch?
- Not at all.
- No difference.
I want to cut mine with Red Bull.
- Oh, Wendy, will you take a picture?
- Sure.
<i>A lot of things
did change that year,
<i>but some things stayed the same.
So, what do you say we move this party
upstairs to the apartment?
- Yeah.
- Great idea.
What the...
Barney, this is an intervention.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
- All right, enough with the old-man bit.
- What about the old sand pit?
- Let it go.
- Let it snow? I love that old ditty!
- I'm getting my flail.
- You're setting sail?
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