How I Met Your Mother - S04E05 - Shelter Island

- Hey.
Hey, guys, how's it going?
- I'm just gonna finish this.
- You...
We just had dinner
with Stella's sister and her fiancé.
They're getting married before us.
Okay, you know how you've dreamt
about your perfect wedding day
ever since you were a little girl?
- Yeah.
- Totally.
My sister is stealing my dream wedding.
Down to every last detail,
on Shelter Island, at sunset...
...just down the beach
from our family's old summer house.
- It's my dream wedding.
- I'm gonna finish this.
- The lamb here is supposed to be great.
- I'm a vegan.
I wish I could tune out
that moral voice inside me
that says eating animals is murder,
but I guess
I'm just not as strong as you are.
That's 'cause you need protein.
I'll have the lamb.
Okay, new goal, I want our wedding
to kick her wedding's ass.
I want our wedding
to take her wedding's head
and shove it in the toilet
and flush it, like, 20 times.
Ted, in high school,
you were her wedding, weren't you?
You know, she's always trying
to one-up me.
I mean, I love her,
but there's a little part of me
that kind of wishes
this whole thing would just fall apart.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him!
God, this steak is so good!
Four days to go and he just runs off
with a vitamin consultant
from Whole Foods?
I gave up make-up for him.
I gave up showering for him.
- I gave up shaving my armpits for him.
- Hard to imagine where it all went wrong.
And now it's so close to the wedding...
There's like bacon or something
in this dipping sauce. I love it.
I can't get any refunds.
I'm gonna be out thousands of dollars.
<i>Kids,
when you're in a relationship,
<i>you develop a kind of telepathy
with your partner.
<i>What do you think?
We could help her out.
<i>No, Stella, we should help her out.
<i>Let's pay for dinner.
Nora, don't worry. We got this.
That's right.
We'll take over your wedding,
pay you back for everything you spent.
Ted and I will get married this Sunday.
Wow! We're getting married this Sunday?
Are we sure we're ready for this?
Ted, I wasted years
trying to get Lucy's dad
to decide he was ready for this,
but he never got ready for this.
That's why we never got married.
Come on, let's just be spontaneous.
I used to dream
that Tony would be spontaneous like this.
Okay, I'm in. And I'm also spontaneous.
I wish I hadn't done that.
Kids, morals usually come
at the end of stories,
but this one is so important,
I'm gonna tell you now.
Don't ever, ever invite
an ex to your wedding.
<i>If someone had given me that advice,
well, it would have changed everything.
Come on, you've got to come.
It's my wedding.
I can't. I'm in Tokyo.
It's my first week on the job.
I can't just take off.
Plus, I'm finally doing serious news.
<i>Robin was doing serious news.
<i>It was the number one English
news network in Japan.
<i>Of course, the news
is a little different over there.
The Federal Reserve Board voted
to leave interest rates unchanged.
It's my wedding. You have to be there.
Okay. Okay. I'll be there. I gotta go.
Good evening.
And I'm Robin Scherbatsky.
Peace talks were stalled once again
in the Middle East.
Despite a promising start
to the latest negotiations,
talks foundered on security issues.
- She's in.
- Yes.
All right, Ted,
your bachelor party, tonight.
I have got three of the most
physically and morally flexible
exotic dancers you've ever seen...
- Can't. There's no time.
- Okay, I'll let you know how it goes.
Marshall, we should really
rent the cars for tomorrow, huh?
Sure.
- What?
- No "Don't get married, Ted"?
No "You're making a big mistake, Ted"?
Barney Stinson, are you no longer
committed to the war on marriage?
No, I just know a hopeless cause
when I see it.
It's the same reason I don't recycle.
Plus, Ted getting married
is in my best interest. You see,
<i>lately I've been working on a problem
of the utmost importance.
<i>I confess I was stumped.
<i>Until one night I decided
to tackle it once and for all.
<i>Then, at last, I cracked the code.
- So you're back on Robin.
- Hopefully.
I mean, this weekend
is the best chance ever
to hook up with her again.
You'll never pull it off.
There's too many distractions.
The first drunk bridesmaid you see,
you'll have your head under her dress
like an old-time photographer.
Lily, don't cheapen this.
I don't want to sound
all mushy-gushy and romantic,
but this weekend,
Robin is the only woman I'm banging.
<i>And so,
the day before our wedding,
<i>Stella and I made the trip
up to Shelter Island.
<i>With everyone else not far behind.
- Zitch dog.
- Zitch dog.
This isn't exactly
where I pictured Ted getting married.
"The Namasté Yoga
and Meditation Collective. "
I don't know about you guys, but
nama-stay here any longer than I have to.
All right, sweetie, go check in
with that dirty hippie over there
and we'll get some drinks.
So, what Scotches you got?
Here at the Center,
we have a very strict no-alcohol policy.
Great, and all the meals
are included, right?
Yep, and they're all 100% vegan.
No. I need alcohol.
I'm not gonna get Robin with this stuff.
Look at this.
"Berry Blaster Brain Revitalizer. "
My God, some of these drinks
could actually make a girl smarter.
What sort of hell has Ted brought us to?
- There's no meat.
- There's no alcohol.
It gets worse.
I'm 90% sure that guy
you were talking with
used to be lead singer of the Spin Doctors.
Hey, guys,
Stella and I have a little problem.
All the programs look great.
I mean, it's not our names on the front,
but otherwise, really nice.
Hey, I talked to Robin.
She's running a little bit late,
but she'll be here just under the wire.
- You invited Robin?
- Yeah, of course.
You never told me that.
I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Can I help? You feel glad.
- But you like Robin.
- Yeah, but she's your ex-girlfriend.
- It's weird.
- It's not weird.
It is weird.
You don't get what it's like for a bride
to see her groom's ex at their wedding.
Stella.
Your new husband used to nail me,
like, three times a day.
Having exes around...
I don't know,
it brings up unresolved things.
How do you know that that spark won't
come back with your ex sitting out there?
Come on, we're just friends. Plus,
Robin and I already had our backslide,
last Thanksgiving, not even that long ago.
Did you place a large bet against yourself
in this argument?
She already got her ticket.
Ted, it's important to me. I mean,
I would never invite Lucy's dad.
I wouldn't care if you did.
Tony's great. Let's invite him, too.
No, Tony is the last person
I want at our wedding, okay?
And Robin is a close second.
Robin's probably about to get on the plane.
Plus, she left a really important job
for this.
Spurred by environmental concerns
and high gasoline prices,
sales of hybrid vehicles
have risen 11% over the previous year.
What should I do?
I don't know.
I kind of get the "no exes" thing.
Why ask a failed romance
to come and watch your successful one?
You know, it's like inviting the
Seattle Mariners to a World Series game.
It's just weird for everyone.
- What? No. Robin has to come.
- Right. She's like my best friend.
- Hey!
- Whoa!
Female friend. My best female friend.
Hey! Whoa! I don't care. Why fake it?
- Dude, Robin has to be here.
- She shouldn't come.
- What are you...
- Justice Aldrin, tie-breaking vote.
Okay, wouldn't feel right without Robin.
But you don't mess with the bride.
I'm gonna tell her not to come.
- No, Ted.
- It's the right decision, Ted.
This is gonna be, like,
the worst phone conversation of all time.
Ted, Ted, Ted. Co-best man, I'm on it.
- Hello?
- Robin, where are you?
Just heading to the airport.
Okay, we'll see you soon.
Have a great flight.
Bad news. I couldn't reach her.
Robin's already on her way.
Okay, Robin's on her way.
You know what? I'm glad.
Exes should be allowed
to come to weddings.
I'll just tell Stella she's got to deal with it.
I think you need to be more delicate
with Stella about this whole Robin thing.
What do you mean by delicate?
Brides are under a lot of stress
before a wedding.
I mean, of course,
I held it together pretty well.
You don't remember?
The florist just told me the roses are more
light medium pink than medium pink.
Light medium pink! Everything's ruined.
Our wedding site uses a gravity furnace
instead of forced-air heating.
That's the one thing I cared about.
Why are we even getting married?
Blobbity-blah. Wickity-wah.
Eeky, eeky, eeky, eeky whee!
After a while, it's all noise.
Poor Stella's had to jam months of crazy
into just three days.
So what do I do?
You wait for the next crisis,
you solve it, you're a hero.
Then you bring up the Robin thing,
but this time she'll say yes.
Yeah, but what if there's no next crisis?
She's a bride. There will be a next crisis.
- There's a next crisis.
- Awesome! What is it?
My daughter, my own daughter
isn't coming to our wedding.
What?
Tony's supposed
to drive her up tomorrow,
but now he's being all petty about me
getting married, and he won't do it.
It's been five years.
Why can't we just move on already?
So first thing tomorrow
I drive down, talk to him,
get him to let me drive Lucy up,
then, boom, crisis solved.
Stella's happy.
Robin comes to the wedding.
- Hey. You Barney?
- Yes.
I hear you're a real man whore,
so listen up.
Tomorrow night I want to do things
so dirty and so depraved
that I forget that this
was supposed to be my wedding.
- I'm kind of here with someone.
- Bring her.
You're never going to make it.
<i>So,
the morning of my wedding day,
<i>I made the trip back
to Tony's house to get Lucy.
- Hey!
- Tony!
Doing a little karate?
Sorry, sorry, man.
You just set off my internal defense alarm.
You got to watch these things.
Stay alert, stay alive.
- Right.
- So what brings you here?
I thought you'd be off
in some honeymoon suite
with my woman right now.
- Not yet. Soon.
- That's right, tonight's the night.
Yeah! Man,
you are going to be sticking it
to the mother of my child.
Actually, I've already stuck it to her
plenty of times.
- Why do I always have to correct people?
- Man, you and Stella.
You lucky dog. I could just...
I'm so happy for you guys.
Yeah. Hey, listen. Here's the thing. Lucy...
- You can't take her.
- Tony, stop.
Look, this is a big day for Lucy, too.
You're going to have to put aside
your own issues
and think about what's best for her here.
Whether you like it or not,
she really should be at her mother's
wedding. So, I'm taking Lucy with me.
You're right, man. You're right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's just, seeing you guys,
it's made me realize
everything I had.
Hey, hey, hey. Let's stop hugging.
I'm sorry.
It's just, Lucy means the world to me.
And I feel like I'm losing her
to this new family,
- a family I'm not even a part of.
- Come on, sure you are.
No, I'm not.
I wasn't even invited to the wedding.
Well, you are now.
Thank you!
Road trip.
Right?
Road trip two, back in the car.
So, today's the day. You hydrating?
Dear female, thank you
for your interest in Barney Stinson.
Your back is going to look
like a Jackson Pollock.
I regret to inform you that at this time...
I was a vegan for two years. I need meat.
...there are currently
no positions available.
I'm a yoga instructor.
Every position is available.
Your room, 20 minutes. No foreplay.
- I'm not going to make it, am I?
- Not a chance.
Okay, just remember,
let me talk to Stella first, okay?
Mommy! Mommy! Ted invited Daddy!
Hi, sweetie. I missed you.
Give me just a sec, okay?
Hey.
- Hey, Tony.
- Hey.
- You invited Tony?
To our wedding?
Ted, we talked about this.
No exes at our wedding.
- Why would you do this?
- Boy, what did Ted do this time?
Ted, what is Robin doing here?
I thought I made myself clear.
No exes at our wedding.
- To be fair, your ex is here.
- You invited him!
- Come on, it's not weird.
- It is weird.
It's like things are not finished
between you two.
And Tony...
I can't deal with Tony right now.
Can you please go out there
and tell him to leave?
You can make me the bad guy.
I'll go talk to Robin
so she knows it's nothing personal.
Okay.
<i>And, kids, if I had just let Stella
talk to Robin,
<i>this whole story
might have ended differently.
I understand.
I get it.
<i>For the first time,
Ted and Stella Mosby.
And that's
how I met your mother.
Blah, blah, blah.
Is your dad finally done yakking?
Now, come on, who wants ice cream?
<i>But I didn't.
Look, can you talk to Tony?
Robin flew all the way here from Tokyo.
I should talk to her.
- Sure.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Sorry about running off like that.
- It's okay.
You would not believe the trip I just had.
I was on a plane for almost a full day.
But it is worth it to see you get married.
- How could I not be here...
- You can't come to the wedding.
- Thank God.
- What?
- Ted, it's weird.
- It's not weird.
It is weird. Do you know how it feels
to be somebody's ex at their wedding?
- Robin.
- Stella.
Suck it, bitch. I win.
- We broke up over a year ago.
- Yeah, but that's not that long ago.
Watching you marry another woman
isn't exactly something
I was looking forward to.
I don't know, I just thought
if I ever changed my mind
about marriage and kids, it was...
It was nice to know that you were there.
So, I was your safety school.
How flattering.
That's not it. It's just that...
Why are you bringing any of this up?
There's nothing between us anymore.
Well, maybe there is.
I mean, of course, there is.
That kind of stuff just doesn't disappear
without a trace.
Look, I'm not just another guest here, Ted.
Right. We used to date,
but we both moved on.
And, look, we got what we wanted.
I'm getting married.
You got your dream job in Tokyo.
- And they all lived happily ever...
- I quit my job.
- You what?
- I'm moving back to New York.
I thought I wanted that job, but
I want to come back to my real life.
- And I think you should go back to yours.
- What's that supposed to mean?
Don't get married.
Look, you're rushing into this.
It's like you're trying to skip ahead
to the end of the book.
Ted, you're the most romantic guy I know.
You stole a blue French horn for me.
You tried to make it rain.
- I did make it rain.
- It was a coincidence.
But after all that, this is how your
great romantic quest comes to an end?
You're just disappearing
into someone else's wedding,
someone else's house, someone else's life
without a second thought.
That's not the amazing ending
that you deserve.
That's not Ted Mosby.
I love Stella.
She's the one. If you really feel that way,
I guess it's a good thing
you're not coming to the wedding after all.
- Big fight?
- Yeah.
Here, it's on the house.
Just keep them coming.
Oh, God, do not keep them coming.
- Hey, Robin.
- Barney. I am having a horrible day.
I snuck some Scotch in
from the duty-free store.
You want to join me?
Yeah, yeah. Let's go to your room.
Far away from this room.
- And we can knock it back.
- They didn't get me a room.
I was actually hoping I could stay with you.
No problem.
I just have to straighten up little bit.
I've got some clothes on the floor, and...
- A naked girl tied to your headboard.
- Towels all over the bathroom. It's a mess.
So, anyway, give me 10 minutes
to get the place in order...
See you, Barney.
I...
She...
Okay, let's do this.
Who the hell is that?
It's the girl from the front desk.
<i>Lovers, they try
<i>They try to whip the stars into compliance
<i>Kids, sometimes you think
you're living out one story,
<i>but the truth turns out to be
something else entirely.
<i>Don't want to knock the
planets out of alignment
<i>At the time, I thought the story was about
whether Robin should be at the wedding.
<i>You're gonna wait a long time
<i>Wait a long time
<i>If only I'd understood
what the real story was.
<i>If you're looking for an invitation
Having exes around... I don't know,
it brings up unresolved things.
<i>You're never gonna get one
How do you know that
that spark won't come back
with your ex sitting out there?
It's like things are not finished
between you two.
I wasted years trying to get Lucy's dad
to decide he was ready for this.
Seeing you guys,
it's made me realize everything I had.
I used to dream
that Tony would be spontaneous like this.
<i>Wait a long time, wait a long time
<i>Seriously, kids,
never invite an ex to your wedding.