Barney, check it,
three blond babies drinking
bad decision juice at 8 o'clock.
Nice rack radar.
- That's my wife.
- No, I got to get going.
Seriously? But they're blond and drunk.
Isn't that your type?
Maybe I don't have a type, Lily.
God, do you think the male mind
is really that simplistic,
that we all have one favorite type? Jeez.
Asian with some boob.
I'm gonna hit the bathroom, then bail.
Okay, have you guys noticed
Barney's been acting weird lately?
Actually, yes.
You know how Barney always says
never buy a girl flowers,
because giving her a living thing
reminds her of babies?
- Sure.
- Well, the other day,
I saw him at that flower shop
on 82nd buying roses.
- What?
- Wait, now that you mention it,
Barney did do something kind of odd
at the office yesterday.
Okay, see you Saturday.
I'm thinking brunch,
farmer's market, maybe a hike.
I love you, too. Bye.
I figured he was just talking
to some girl he was trying to nail.
Or Ted, but now I don't know.
Wait, do you think it's possible
that Barney Stinson has a girlfriend?
Later.
Wait, Barney, hold on.
Where are you going?
Nowhere.
The beach. It's winter. Laser tag.
Home. Shut up. You're going somewhere.
Oh, my God. He's meeting her right now.
- Where is Barney going?
- Yeah.
We're not even in Manhattan anymore.
Where's this girl live?
We're talking about a woman who's
actually gotten Barney Stinson to commit.
I'm guessing Narnia.
Oh, oh, he's stopping.
- What the hell are you guys doing here?
- Where is she?
- Who?
- Your girlfriend.
Oh, hello.
Wow, you really don't have a type,
do you?
Ah... These are my friends.
Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin.
Guys, this is Loretta.
- My mom.
- It's so nice to meet you.
I feel like I already know you all.
Barney goes on and on about you
every day when we talk.
Aw! You call your mom every day?
No. Mom!
So that's what you were being
all secretive about?
You didn't want us to know
you're a big old mama's boy.
Yep, you got me.
Well, guess you guys can leave.
Oh!
- Hello.
- Hi.
Barney, who are all these people?
Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin,
I'd like you to meet Betty,
my wife.
And my son Tyler.
Betty and I are gonna get dinner ready.
There'll be plenty for everyone.
But remember, you,
only one helping of meatloaf
after what Dr. Grossbard said
- about your cholesterol.
- This one wants me to live forever.
Guilty.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
- I love you three!
- Get out of here, you little scamp!
- So, I'll see you guys back at the bar?
- What the hell, Barney?
Okay, it's a long story.
As you know,
my father had to leave my mom
<i>when I was a baby because he got hired
as the host of The Price Is Right.
- It was a very good show.
- Bob Barker is your father.
She had to raise
my brother and me by herself.
And her only wish was for her sons
not to wind up alone, like she was.
Then about seven years ago,
she got really sick.
<i>It looked like she wasn't going to make it.
<i>So I decided to make her wish come true.
Mom, this is Betty.
We're engaged.
I hired an actress to play
my fiancée "Betty. "
Her real name's Margaret.
She mostly does off-Broadway theater.
Wonderful actress.
This close to a Tony.
It's all who you know.
It's very political. I shouldn't get into it.
But there's one problem.
Betty has a slight tendency
to go off-book.
You see, Mom?
I found someone who makes me happy.
- Just like you wanted.
- That's wonderful.
I just wish I could've stuck around
long enough for grandchildren.
I'm pregnant!
And then my mom got better.
Which was miraculous. But it meant
that I had to keep "Betty"
around and cast a kid
to play my son Tyler.
This is crazy.
You actually cast your own son?
Well, for a while,
I got by borrowing/babysitting
my neighbor's baby.
Then this one Christmas,
when my mom was plowed on eggnog,
I got away with a bag of flour
and a Chucky mask.
But eventually I had to hold auditions.
4, 8,
13, you can stay. The rest of you may go.
You said that if I slept with you,
my son would get the part.
Well, apparently
I'm a better actor than your kid.
Bring in the 11:00's!
And that's how the role of Tyler
eventually went to
Grant.
- Come on, Grant seems pretty good.
- You think so?
Watch this. Hey, Tyler.
Tyler. Tyler.
- Grant.
- Yeah?
See? It's like amateur hour over here.
Call me crazy, but child actors
were way better back in the '80s.
Well, Barney, it looks like your mom kept
your childhood bedroom
just the way you left it.
<i>Yeah, that sure is a big poster
of The Karate Kid above your bed.
<i>Hey, The Karate Kid is a great movie.
It's the story of a hopeful young karate
enthusiast whose dreams and moxie
take him all the way
to the All Valley Karate Championship.
Of course, sadly, he loses
in the final round to that nerd kid,
but he learns an important lesson
about gracefully accepting defeat.
<i>Wait. When you watch The Karate Kid,
you actually root for that mean blond boy?
No, I root for the scrawny loser
from New Jersey
who barely even knows karate.
<i>When I watch The Karate Kid,
I root for the karate kid,
Johnny Lawrence
from the Cobra Kai dojo.
Get your head out of your ass, Lily.
Okay, I just figured out
where I know you from.
I saw you perform
at the Disorientation Theater
<i>in Bertolt Brecht's Die heilige Johanna
der Schlachthöfe last fall.
You were a revelation!
- Really?
- Yeah.
Oh, thanks.
I wasn't sure. I mean, the point
of Brecht's work, of course, is to
- alienate the audience.
- Alienate the audience. Sure.
Sorry. Brecht-o-phile right here!
Wow, you really know your theater.
Lady Theater grabbed my heart early on
and she never let go.
Every year at Christmas,
I'd put on a little play for the parents
with all the other kids.
Gee whiz, Santa, do you think
we can take off in this kind of snow?
Cut! Cut! Cut! Ricky!
Grandma and Grandpa are gonna be here
in half an hour,
and you're still butchering my words.
Looks like I'm gonna have to write,
direct and star in this thing.
Give me your elf hat. Go sit.
I always secretly wanted to be an actor.
It's one of those life dreams
that just slipped away, I guess.
Listen, if you want,
I could give you some tips on acting.
- Really? Oh!
- I'd love to.
Okay, acting rule number one,
don't be afraid to...
At least someone's still excited
about acting.
I miss that.
So, you don't like playing Barney's son?
I hate it. But what can I do?
- The phone just ain't ringing.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
I'm a newscaster.
But I just had to take a job
hosting a local morning show
that airs at 4:30 in the morning.
I just thought I'd be so much further along
by this point, you know?
I'm almost 30.
Come on, you still look great.
I love your nose job.
I never had a nose job.
Right. Me neither.
I can't believe we haven't met you before.
Who knew Barney had such a great mom?
Thanks, dear.
Truth is, I wasn't always
the best mother when I was younger.
Oh, don't say that. I'm sure you were great.
Yeah, I was a bit of a whore.
Excuse me?
A whore, dear. A dirty whore.
I'm not proud of it.
But still I had some fun.
There is no thrill equal
to looking into some guy's eyes
and thinking,
"I don't know your name,
you don't know mine,
"but for the next eight minutes,
"we are gonna rock
this gas station bathroom
"right off its foundation.
"And then just drive off
in opposite directions.
"Just keep driving. "
Barney's mom?
- Loretta.
- Loretta.
Oh!
Anyway, that's all in the past now.
I did the best I could,
but sometimes I wonder how Barney
turned out to be so perfect.
You have to tell your mom
the truth, okay?
Listen, she is a sweet,
caring, slightly-too-graphic woman
who deserves better.
No. No way. The truth would kill her.
I don't feel right
about lying to such
a kindhearted woman, okay?
She reminds me of my own mother.
- What?
- "Kindhearted"?
Remember in our wedding vows
when I said we'd be together forever?
Well, on our way back up the aisle,
your mother leaned in and she said,
"Not forever, sweetie.
Marshall's going to Heaven. "
- She was making a joke.
- She hates me, Marshall.
But that's okay because...
Never mind.
No. What were you gonna say?
Nothing. Hey, do you want to go do it
in Barney's childhood bedroom again?
- On the racecar bed?
- Handles great, buddy.
Look, Lily, if today has taught us
nothing else,
it's that honesty is important
when it comes to family.
Now, whatever you're feeling
towards my mother,
we've been together for 12 years, baby.
- I think that I can handle it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I hate your mom.
Well, guess what?
I hate you!
- Two-minute warning for meatloaf!
- Meatloaf?
Tyler no likey!
Grant, we have been over this
a million times!
- You are not getting a catchphrase!
- But it's funny.
Grant, I am not afraid to recast.
Now go memorize your lines
for the big dinner scene.
Wait. So you wrote the dinner
we're about to have?
Yeah, yeah. Just a short script.
Just things that will make
my mom happy to hear.
What kind of things?
And I really thought
Barney had forgotten our anniversary.
So I storm out to the backyard,
and there's smoke coming out of my ears.
Nostrils flaring. Her nostrils flare
when she gets mad. I love it.
Doing it right now. Doing it right now!
- You better stop, mister!
- Okay, okay.
Sorry, sorry, boo bear. Continue.
This is what you're actually like
in a relationship.
So I storm out to the backyard and...
Candles everywhere and a string quartet.
- Can you believe that?
- No, not even slightly.
What about my little Ty-Ty?
What have you been up to?
Funny story,
just the other night,
this little rascal had a nightmare.
And when he came in
to tell us what it was about...
Do you remember what you said, champ?
Uh...
Page four.
The dinosaur bones in the museum
came to life and started chasing me?
All right, thanks a lot, buddy.
I didn't need to sleep tonight.
No. Tyler said, "My nightmare was
"that you and Mommy didn't know
how much I loved you.
"So I wanted to come in
and tell you it was this much. "
- Aw! That's so sweet.
- We're a sweet, happy family.
Okay, I'm gonna grab some ice cream
from the freezer downstairs
and then we'll all hit
the sundae bar in the kitchen.
Wow. Not a weak link in that scene. Bravo.
Back off, Barney.
You have no idea how hard it is
to do a job that's beneath you.
Grant, I really enjoyed your thing
about the dinosaur bones.
Can we please stop talking
about the dinosaur bones?
- Just go eat your sundae.
- I can't.
I'm lactose intolerant.
Well, guess who's not
lactose intolerant? Tyler.
Tyler is gonna go in there
and enjoy every last bite.
- Ice cream time, gang.
- Yummers!
Oh, my God!
Tyler no likey.
You're not getting a catchphrase.
- I don't understand.
- I do.
Follow my lead.
I've been betrayed by my best friend.
How could you do this, Ted?
Think about poor Tyler,
bravely trying to hold back tears.
It's okay, son, you can cry.
Cry!
I don't want my mommy
and daddy to get divorced!
Wow!
What could you possibly have
to say for yourself?
Acting rule number one,
don't be afraid to improvise.
Was it me who betrayed you,
or you who betrayed me?
I'm sorry. What?
Acting rule number five,
invent a rich back-story
for your character.
November 14th, 1998.
The overnight train to Monte Carlo.
I was in the billiards car,
hustling some Algerians
out of a few thousand dinar,
when you seduced my fiancée,
who is blind and thought you were me.
Yes.
What in God's name
are you talking about?
Acting rule number eight,
don't be afraid to get physical.
Ow!
You know damn well
what I'm talking about!
No, I don't!
Yes, you do! And, by God,
I'll hear you say it, scoundrel!
- Mom, can you give us a sec?
- Okay.
- There's chocolate and butterscotch.
- Okay, thanks. Now just...
There are various kinds
of sprinkles and marshmallows.
Just...
Have you lost your mind?
You were amazing!
You completely just became
that character.
Honestly, I wasn't so much playing Ted
as I was just trying
to get out of Ted's way.
What is wrong with you people?
Ted, how am I ever gonna
explain this to my mother?
Well, maybe it's time to tell her
the truth, Barney.
I don't know, Lily.
Sometimes, honesty leads people
to say mean things about a woman
who always took special care of me
because I was the runt of the family.
For crying out loud, I'm only 6'4"!
How good was my crying?
You nailed it. See?
Even at a gig you hate,
you still managed to love what you do.
Maybe that's how it will be
for you at your new job.
- You think so?
- I know so.
Thanks, Grant.
You're pretty smart, you know that?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Sorry! Sorry!
Thought I was picking up on something.
Honey, are you okay?
Look, Mom,
there's something I have to tell you.
Something I should have told you
a long time ago.
Tyler is dying.
And Betty said that when he goes,
she's gonna off herself.
So that's all probably
gonna go down pretty soon.
Oh, my God!
Okay, no. No! None of that is true!
The truth is, I...
The truth is Betty and Tyler are actors
that I hired to pretend to be my family.
What?
I just wanted you to think I had the life
you wanted for me.
I wanted you to be proud of me.
I know it sounds crazy,
and I am so sorry, Mom.
- So Betty is not your wife?
- No.
Thank God! I do not like that woman.
- Really?
- Yes.
And Tyler...
I know I'm his grandma
and I'm supposed to love him,
but I hate that kid. "Tyler no likey. "
- What the hell is that?
- Right?
And those fake friends of yours out there,
I just wanted to shoot myself.
I know! Aren't they horrible?
So really, really, you're not mad?
No, I'm just confused. I don't know
why you thought you had to do this.
Barney, I love you,
perfect family or no perfect family.
I love you no matter what.
- Really?
- Really.
Oh, I am so relieved
because the truth is
I am as far from married
as a human being can possibly be.
My history with women
would shock and appall you.
Doesn't matter. I still love you.
Seriously, you can't imagine
the things I have done.
Barney, when you were three,
I left you with a babysitter
and spent three weeks
with Grand Funk Railroad,
being passed around like a bong.
Mommy!
Just do me a favor.
If you ever do meet someone special,
don't run away from it. Don't be me.
Take a shot at it, will you?
Hey, Barney, cab's here.
I'll try.
<i>And so ended one of
the strangest afternoons of our lives.
And I just wanted to say to you,
if I ever seemed cold
or unwelcoming, I'm sorry.
- Who's she talking to?
- My mom.
It would mean a lot to me
if you and I could be closer.
Now take a deep breath like
this next thing is gonna be hard to say.
I love you.
I love you...
- Mom.
- Yes.
...Mom.
Now pretend I said something nice.
Now pretend I said something nice.
I mean,
that's very nice of you to say, Judy.
Okay. You, too. Speak soon.
Let me get this straight.
You're really telling me
<i>that when you watch The Karate Kid,
- you don't root for Daniel-san?
- Nope.
<i>- Who do you root for in Die Hard?
- Hans Gruber,
charming international bandit.
At the end, he died hard.
He's the title character.
<i>Okay, The Breakfast Club.
The teacher running detention.
He's the only guy
in the whole movie wearing a suit.
<i>I got one. Terminator.
What's the name of the movie, Robin?
Who among us didn't shed a tear
when his little red eye
went out at the end
and he didn't get to kill those people?
I'm sorry. That movie...
I am never watching a movie
with you ever again.
They didn't even
try to help him!
No comments:
Post a Comment