How I Met Your Mother - S04E16.- Sorry Bro

<i>Back in 2009, your Aunt Robin
got a job hosting a morning show.
<i>Which meant she had to get up
kind of early. How early?
Morning, everybody.
- Hey!
Hey, Robin!
So you're actually doing it, huh?
You're actually going to work at 2:00 a. m.
Okay, I'm not doing it for me.
I'm doing it for the fans.
Who exactly are the fans of a show
that airs at 4:00 in the morning?
People getting up to host a show
at 5:00 in the morning?
Ha, ha, ha.
Meth addicts
who haven't sold their TVs yet?
Strippers in that messy gray area
between getting off work
and getting their kids up for school?
Them's my peeps.
All right, catch me up.
What's been going on?
You know, just the uzhe.
- Really, the uzhe?
- Yes.
Robin, think of the funniest thing
that has ever happened.
- Got it.
- Now double that.
So, a chimpanzee wearing two tuxedos?
Something even funnier than that
happened to Marshall today.
Okay, first of all,
there's nothing funnier than that.
Second of all, look,
it's not that good a story.
Oh, come on, you guys.
You're four young, active people living
in the most exciting city on Earth.
You're telling me
you have no stories for me?
What can I say?
Some weeks are just like that.
It's the same thing over and over.
A kid in my class ate some paste.
I used deceitful means to hook up
with a less-than-intelligent girl.
My ex-girlfriend, Karen, moved to town.
It's just... It's all the same, Robin.
Karen's in town?
- You have got to be kidding me!
- No!
<i>Kids,
I think I've told you about Karen.
<i>She was my girlfriend in high school
and intermittently during college.
<i>She was beautiful, smart.
I was madly in love with her.
<i>The only problem was,
Marshall and Lily were not.
<i>I think it had something to do with
every time Karen opened her mouth.
I love that you guys live in a dorm.
It's so American.
It's like, "Let's all eat baloney sandwiches
and be racist. "
Oh, my God, she was such a douche.
Dude, she was the heiress
to the Massengill fortune.
- She really wasn't that bad.
- Of course, you think that.
She turned you into
one of her douche zombies.
"I want to eat your brain,
but only if it's organic and grass-fed. "
What?
- Will you pass the salt?
- Salt?
So bourgeois.
Totally.
- What's that thing?
- That's a TV, Karen.
Oh.
I don't watch TV.
Totally.
You thought I actually bought tickets
to WrestleMania?
I was being ironic.
Totally.
I know that you were being ironic.
I, too, am being ironic.
Let's do this!
What?
That makeup didn't come off for a month.
I had to meet Lily's parents that way.
I've never looked like a bigger jackass.
Until today.
Tell the story. Tell the story.
Tell the story.
Just let it go!
Well, hold on. Is it really funny?
Robin, I am not kidding you.
I almost don't want you to hear it,
because seriously, for the rest of your life,
nothing else will ever be as funny,
and you will curse yourself
for agreeing to ever hear it
in the first place.
But seriously, you got to hear it.
It's so funny.
Fine.
<i>I was at the company gym
this morning playing basketball.
<i>Now, the guys I work with
can be pretty brutal with their ridicule.
Hey, look at Wisniewski.
He's gonna cry. Look at him.
Yeah, look at him.
I don't know. I don't think knees
are supposed to bend that way.
I think he might have torn his ACL.
Bro, the only thing that guy tore
was his cervix or maybe his hymen.
Yeah, or his Fallopian tubes. Boom!
I may have cleaned up the dialog
a little bit.
Anyways, I go to my duffle bag
to get out my work clothes...
Wait, wait, wait, wait. I want to say it.
I want to say it. I want to say it.
Fine. You say it.
Marshall goes to his duffle bag
to get out his work clothes and...
No, no, no, you say it.
It's funnier if you say it.
No, let me say it. No, no, you say it.
You say it. Say it.
Same time.
No, no, no, you go. You go.
- I forgot...
- Marshall forgot his pants!
He forgot his pants.
Okay, Marshall forgot his pants.
That's pretty funny.
It's no chimpanzee wearing two tuxedos.
I mean, what did he...
He forgot he put the first one on?
Stupid monkey.
So Karen in New York. Weird, right?
Ted, you cannot get back together
with Karen.
I never said I was going to
get back together with her.
But I was thinking, she's new in town.
Would it be the worst thing
in the world if I gave her a call?
No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be
the worst thing in the world.
It would be the fourth worst thing.
Number one, super volcano.
Number two, an asteroid hits the Earth.
Number three, all footage of Evel Knievel
is lost. Number four, Ted calls Karen.
Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.
I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list.
You don't know the whole story.
Ted and Karen were off-and-on all through
college, and it always went the same way.
They'd be having fun, douching it up,
and then one day...
I know you think pepperoni is fascist,
and you're totally right, so I...
Oh, my God! Karen!
Sorry, bro.
Before you say anything,
<i>I think that you should read
Baudelaire's Les Fleurs du Mal.
Okay.
So then they break up.
Ted would be all depressed and we would
wait the appropriate amount of time
and then we would tell him
how we really felt.
Karen and I broke up.
- We hated her!
- Bitch had to go!
And then Ted would
build up a head of steam
and finally take the bus to Providence
to give Karen a piece of his mind.
- How'd it go?
- Great.
Look who's back!
- Karen!
- Karen!
And then, sure enough, the whole thing
would start all over again.
Make that 10,002 Maniacs,
because I got us Natalie Merchant...
Sorry, bro.
So she would come visit you at school
and the second you turned your back,
she would bring guys
back to your dorm room?
Respect.
Okay, I was an idiot.
She was my first real girlfriend.
I was madly in love with her.
We all did stuff we regret in college.
Junior year, Marshall grew
a soul patch, wore a Rasta hat,
and asked everyone
to call him M.J. Smooth.
I don't regret that for one second.
So you guys absolutely
don't think I should call her?
Ted, no!
- Of course not!
Get it through your thick skull!
Okay, okay, fine, I won't.
Interesting piece of trivia, I called her.
- What are you doing?
- You idiot!
Finish the pants story.
I can't believe you called her.
Why don't you just ask her to lunch
while you're at it?
Because, Lily, I'm not going
to ask her out to lunch, again.
- Wow.
- You asked her to lunch?
Why would anyone want
to have lunch with their ex?
Glad you asked, Marshall.
There are four possible motives
behind an ex lunch.
Number one, they want
to get back together.
Oh. Like my high school boyfriend, Scooter.
Lilies, clever.
I'm sorry I don't have a scooter for you.
My God, that's funny!
I forgot how funny you are.
- Where is that waiter?
- Why? You like waiters?
I can be a waiter.
I'm going to be the greatest waiter
on this Earth, and then you'll love me.
Number two, they want to kill you.
Like when I had lunch with Wendy.
I'm glad we could finally do this.
You know, after the ninth time
you rescheduled on me,
I almost gave up on you.
But you didn't. You just kept on trying.
By the way, there's something
I've been meaning to give you.
Gun! She's got a gun!
It's a tie.
Number three, they actually do want
to give you your stuff back.
Like when I had lunch with Curt.
By the way, there's something
I've been meaning to give you.
My snub-nose. 38 Police Special!
God, I knew I left that somewhere.
Every time I watch the news,
I'm like, "Oops. Hope that wasn't my gun. "
Breaking up was the right choice.
Or number four, to rub your face
in how great they're doing.
Like my lunch with Nicole Barsamian.
- Who's Nicole Barsamian?
- My ex.
- Hello, Nicole.
- You look well, Marshall.
You look okay, I guess.
- I'm seeing someone.
- Already? Who?
Lee Roberts. He reads at a fifth-grade level.
You have to cancel the lunch.
I would definitely do that, definitely,
except I already had it.
Robin, I'm going to need to
borrow the butt of your gun.
I actually lost it again.
Can you believe that?
How could you break bread
with that woman?
It was just lunch,
and you know she doesn't eat wheat.
We had a great time catching up.
I mean, we even laughed about
what jerks we were back then.
I can't believe I had a beret
for each day of the week.
I can't believe I had an iron-on image
of Molière on my backpack.
Man, we were pretentious.
So pretentious.
What can I get you?
Hi.
I don't want to cause a scene, but
your wine list has a Châteauneuf-du-Pape
listed under your Côtes de Provence.
You might want to alert your sommelier.
And for you?
I hate to go off-menu, but can we have
some bruschett with fresh mozzarell?
It was great. It was great.
I mean, there was one weird moment
towards the end.
Yeah, I mean, how do you say goodbye
in those situations?
A kiss on the cheek is too familiar.
A handshake is too formal.
And a hug is just like a public dry hump.
I think you're hugging wrong.
- So what happened?
- Well...
Schopenhauer made a saucy little
argument in which he posited...
Ted, honey, I want you to go outside
and bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute.
Hey, Karen was the first girl I ever loved.
Okay?
And after the year I've had, I...
I don't know,
I guess having lunch with her just
reminded me of what it was like to be 18
and have my whole life figured out.
And I would like to remind everyone that
at least I was wearing pants, Marshall.
No! No, no, no! You can't just go
changing the subject like that.
Oh. Yeah, the pants story.
Pants story, bomaye! Pants story, bomaye!
There's no story!
I had a little situation, so I called Lily.
And just refresh us,
what was that situation?
I forgot my pants.
What do you mean you forgot your pants?
I forgot them.
Now, I need you to bring me some.
What about your spare pants?
Last Thursday, the mustard incident?
Jeez, woman, you have
the memory of a goldfish.
No, Ted, you're not getting off that easy.
Marshall's pants story, while amusing...
Amusing? Try very amusing.
...is nothing compared to this
Karen madness. Finish your story.
What? That's it.
It was just one kiss in the restaurant.
Why did you say "in the restaurant"?
Did you kiss somewhere else?
Like where, in a tree?
No, Lily, we did not make out in a tree.
What's with this one?
Oh, Ted. What did you do?
Ted, how could you?
Ted, Marshall forgot to bring
his pants to work today,
and you're still the stupidest person
at this table.
Okay, Lily, let's be honest.
We both know your real motivation here.
You hate Karen because she lingered.
You son of a bitch.
What do you mean she lingered?
February 5th, 1998. I was painting...
Sorry. I... Sorry. I...
You know, that color palette
is a bit derivative of early Van Gogh,
don't you think?
Cheat on Ted, criticize my painting,
whatever, that's your business.
But I catch you peeping on my man's junk
and you linger?
You gots to get got.
The game is the game.
In Karen's defense, I had just worked out.
Why'd you have to paint
Marshall nude anyway?
Because he ate my bowl of fruit.
Look, the point is, Karen is a dirty lingerer,
and you cannot bring her
back into our lives.
Relax, it was just that one night!
And the next three after that.
And one morning.
But at least
I had pants on, Marshall.
Although, actually, I didn't.
- Wait, this happened in our apartment?
- Mmm-hmm.
Where was I?
You know those sleeping pills
you're taking
to keep on your crazy new schedule?
I think they're stronger than you realize.
LaFontaine gets the puck to Turgeon.
Turgeon shoots. Glove save.
Hey, Ted. Hey, Lily.
Don't worry. I won't tell Marshall.
I'm gonna grab a beer. You want one?
Beer! I'll start decanting the Bordeaux.
Ted, sure it's fun to look back at a time
when you were a fresh-faced farm girl
with a virgin's glow.
But all that stuff, Ohio, Karen, college...
All that was BS.
"Before Stinson. "
Now your life is awesome!
I mean, yeah, you still live with
your ex-girlfriend, which is ridiculous.
Your Laser Tag chops
are almost nonexistent.
And your wardrobe, it's like, what,
are you allergic to quality fabrics?
Seriously, Ted, shape up.
What were we talking about?
So what's next with this broad?
Oh, please, the story's already written.
Ted is Charlie Brown trying to
kick the football and Karen's Lucy,
who pulls it away at the last second
and has sex with it.
Ew!
You guys know what I mean.
Ted's gonna fall in love,
and then Karen's gonna cheat on him
with some meathead, who's like,
"Sorry, bro. "
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
You must have left the right answer
in your pants, Marshall,
because that's exactly what didn't happen.
<i>Because here's what happened.
<i>One afternoon, we were at Karen's place...
Karen? Oh, my God.
How could you?
Sorry, bro.
<i>So, this time,
the meathead Karen was cheating with...
Was me, Ted. Me...
Remember that time
Marshall forgot his pants?
Damn it, Ted!
You quit trying to change the subject.
You crossed the line.
You are complicit
in breaking some poor guy's heart.
And you, you of all people
know exactly how that feels.
You really don't want to tell
the pants story, do you?
- What?
- Pants, pants, pants, pants...
Fine! Okay?
So, Lily came down to the office
to bring me my pants.
- And why did she have to do that?
- Because I forgot my pants.
- Lily, what are you doing here?
- I'm here to give Marshall something.
Ah.
Here to give him something. Got you. Nice.
Yeah, but I'm in a hurry.
Can I just give it to you?
Sure, okay.
And then you'll give it to him?
Wait, hey. I don't know about all that.
I mean, yours would
have to be really good.
- What are you talking about?
- What are you talking about?
Marshall forgot his pants,
so I'm bringing him a new pair.
Huh. Marshall forgot his pants.
Well, it's a good thing that you came by
because he has a really
important meeting today,
and it would be pretty embarrassing
and not at all funny
if he were to show up not wearing pants.
- So, I'll make sure he gets these.
- Great. Thanks, Barney.
And you didn't give him his pants.
Theodore Evelyn Mosby.
Of course I gave him his pants.
I gave Lily my word. My word is oak.
Though I did make some alterations.
Now, as you'll see on page 44
of the contract...
Hey, Eriksen, when did you join AC/DC?
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Now, can we please just turn
to page 44 of the contract?
<i>Hey, Eriksen, I think the Oliver Twist
auditions are down the hall!
Hey, Eriksen, "Please, sir,
may I have some more pants?"
More pants!
Oh, my God!
That's it? That's the whole story?
- So what happened with Karen?
- I'll finish it for you.
Ted left without saying anything
and Karen got exactly what she wanted.
Mmm-mmm.
Not this time.
So, you have a boyfriend?
We've been drifting apart for a long time.
I've been meaning to break up with him.
God, Karen, you are unbelievable.
You don't have the guts to break up
with someone like a decent human being,
so instead you pull this crap.
Okay, you're right.
I'm great with books. I'm great with art.
I'm great with identifying French wines
from within a mile of
where the grapes are grown.
But I'm really bad when it comes
to looking someone in the eye
and telling them the truth
about how I feel.
Well, we're both bad at that.
But I think we both need to change.
So why don't I go first?
Karen, you're a really hurtful
and reckless person,
and I never want to see you
or speak to you again.
<i>Au revoir.
Ted, wait.
<i>Actually, "au revoir"means
"until we see each other again. "
So, I'm assuming that you mean
we will in fact see each other again?
Sorry, bro.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Yes!
- Bravo.
- Ted, I am impressed with you.
You, too, Marshall.
Have you been wearing those all day?
They show off my calves.
Pants story. Tell it again.
You know, maybe it was good
you called Karen.
It definitely was.
And not just for me, but for her, too.
Later that night, she sat down with Jerry,
and she had the break-up talk
she always avoided with me.
<i>So you see, kids,
<i>sometimes when you
have to have a tough conversation,
<i>the best thing to do...
Wait a second. Wait a second.
You said you were never gonna talk
to Karen again, right?
Yeah.
Then how do you know
she took your advice?
Hmm?
Oh! Right. Well, about that.
After she broke up with that dude,
she called me, we went out,
we hooked up,
and we've been dating ever since.
We're really seeing eye-to-eye,
and this time,
I don't know,
it just feels different somehow.
Here she comes now. Be cool! Hey!
Karen.