Lily has always
been one of those people
who loves their birthday.
Loves it.
It's my birthday!
So it's a good thing
she married Marshall.
It's still my birthday!
Because he loves
planning birthdays.
Feliz cumpleaños, baby.
The theme of this today's
birthday breakfast
in bed is...
"Spanish Interlude"
# #
Ooh!
And...
How on Earth did we end up
in the lyrical rolling hills
of Northern Spain?
Yay!
Baby, tonight is going
to be so much fun.
Just the five of us,
black-tie dinner,
and Ted is picking up
your favorite cognac pumpkin
cheesecake from Edgar's.
Yay!
Okay, I am off
to run your super secret
birthday errand.
Yay!
And I'm taking
this guy with me
because I don't like the way
he's looking at you.
Yay.
A new camera!
Oh, thank you, Marshall.
I love it!
Well, little bonus:
I took some naked pictures
of myself before I wrapped it.
Put a bow on it.
There wasn't a bow on it.
Wrong "it."
Thank you, honey.
I'm going to get
some great shots of our
little group with this.
Now, kids, you've seen
your Aunt Lily's
photo albums:
leather bound,
acid free paper,
adorable handwritten captions.
And most importantly,
the group shot.
Cute photo, right, kids?
But what you don't see
is what happened
ten seconds
before this picture was taken.
Okay, I want to get
the perfect group shot.
Marshall, sit between
Barney and Robin.
Why?
Oh, you know,
uh, light,
color, balance, aperture...
You're just saying
camera words.
Wait- you don't want
Barney and me
to look like a couple
in this picture,
do you?
Of course I don't!
You two aren't going to last!
I'm going for timeless here.
How dare you?
That is so rude!
It's true.
Totally true-
we're running
on fumes here,
but still rude.
We hated Lily's group shots.
Okay, maybe I get
a little bossy,
but I just want
to remember those times.
Like tonight.
I can't imagine
a better birthday than,
than being here with just
my four best friends.
Yay!
And Ted's here now. Yay!
Oh!
Happy birthday!
This is Amanda.
And Amanda... yay.
Ted, you were supposed
to bring a cheesecake,
but instead you
brought two grocery bags
and a woman we've
never seen before.
Hi. I'm Marshall.
Welcome to our home.
Start talking.
Amanda's going to make
Lily a cake.
She's a chef.
We met when I was
at a restaurant
last week and I sent
some soup back.
Lucky, she's got
such pretty hair
I didn't mind eating
a little bit of it.
They call me
"The Shedder" at work.
I'm so glad you're
making my birthday cake!
In honor of Lily's
32nd birthday,
I've got
a lot of great games
planned, starting with...
"Lil-ial Pursuit."
Okay, who's
got number one?
I do.
Of course you do.
Okay, Amanda
goes first.
32 seconds on the clock
to answer as many questions
as possible. And...
Go! Question one:
What is Lily's favorite color?
Well, she's wearing pink,
so I'm going
to say pink.
Okay, that's Robin.
Oh, uh...
Her...
favorite color is...
elbow.
I believe Ted was mouthing
the word "yellow."
Which also
would have been wrong.
This game is called
"Gilding The Lily."
Nice.
Thank you.
Okay, you've all
written down
your favorite things
about the birthday girl.
And Lilypad,
you guess who wrote what.
"Lily makes
"everyone in her life,
from her friends
to her students..."
Lily's a kindergarten teacher-
that's what he means
by "students."
"...feel loved.
"She makes the best
"oatmeal raisin cookies ever,
can recite every line
from Goonies..."
Lily saw Goonies in the theater
right after her parents separated.
For a long time after that, she
had real trouble trusting people...
Ted!
"And she's the strongest person
I've ever met.
"I can't imagine
my life without her.
I love you, Lily."
Aww... Robin!
Of course it was me.
Come on.
Aww, that's so sweet.
Okay, Lily,
you try to guess
who wrote this.
"You seem really nice."
Oh...
I'm going
to guess Amanda?
No, that w me.
And I meant every word.
Well, I should get back
to that cake.
Okay, let me know
if you need anything.
All right, quick!
Let's do the group photo!
Everybody gather
around the fireplace.
Oh, uh, hang on, I'll, uh,
I'll let Amanda know.
Oh, no, that's okay.
She's busy in the kitchen.
Let's not bother her. Come on.
Hey, hang on a second.
You...
You don't want Amanda
in the photo, do you?
No, no, it's just, you know,
auto-focus,
shutter speed, zoom...
Lily, what's going on?
Who wants a party hat?
Hey, look!
Look, I'm a bird!
Let's all be birds.
Lily, tell me the truth.
No, of course not.
I'm not going to let
another one of your dumb skanks
ruin my precious memories.
Lily, what are you
talking about?
Ted, you always do this.
You bring girls
that we barely know
to all our big group events.
I do not.
Oh, really?
Oh, well, let's just
take a little walk
down Random Skank Lane.
Or, or we could just
keep on a-strolling down
Best Birthday Ever Avenue.
Do I get a vote?
Skank Lane! Skank Lane!
Hey, hey, guys. I've composed
a song for the evening.
Follow along.
The chorus goes like this:
# Happy, happy Lily day #
# Happy, happy
Lily day... #
Christmas morning,
four years ago.
Our first Christmas together,
just the five of us.
Ooh, Ted, here's another
fun little trivia me.
It's called:
Name That Bitch.
It's, it is Sa... San...
Wrong. You're
thinking of Santa,
'cause it was Christmas.
Fun fact- each year,
my mother has Easter tea
with her friend Bunny.
Okay, not that fun.
I remember her name.
It's Sarah.
Close. It's Leilani.
She just had to come
to Christmas because you said,
"Guys, she might be the one."
And she's
not the only
"might be the one."
New Year's Eve, 2007:
Barney, Lily, Robin,
Ted, Marshall
and "She's the One" Emily.
Robin's Uncle Cecil's funeral:
Marshall, Lily,
Robin, Barney, Ted and...
"this just proves
you find the one
when you're not looking" Isabel.
My appenx surgery:
Robin, Marshall,
Barney, Lily, Ted, and...
Well, this one you admitted
you were just trying to bang.
Respect.
Oh, hey.
Remember this yoga instructor
you brought
to my birthday last year?
# You. #
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my- oh, my God.
You guys are not going
to believe who just came in.
Don't look.
Don't look!
Why aren't you looking?!
It's Slash
from Guns N' Roses!
Okay, okay, group shot.
Group shot!
And we got it.
We got a picture
with Slash on my birthday.
Awesome, right? Right?
We were there.
We know how this ends.
Wrong!
You know what's funny
about this picture?
He was grabbing my ass.
Really?
He was grabbing my ass, too.
He was grabbing
my ass, too- how many hands
does that guy have?
No wonder he's such
a good guitarist.
Actually, I'm sorry dude,
I thought that you were Lily.
Wait a second.
Look at these pictures again.
Barney has the same pose
in each shot
and these are,
like, years apart.
Ah, yes, about that:
I never take a bad picture.
Never have, never will.
There has to be
a bad picture of you.
Nope, not one.
What about from
elementary school?
Everyone has bad
pictures from school.
Not the Barnacle.
I always look
drop dead, stone cold amazing.
Unlike Marshall, who just looks
dead, stoned and cold.
He was right, kids.
Your Uncle Marshall
does a lot of things well,
but he does not take
a good picture.
They're not
all bad, okay?
Like... here.
Here, look at this one.
My eyes are open.
Marshall, no!
Oh, you did
put a bow on it.
Chip and dip, Barney?
Sure.
Aha!
Got it! A bad picture.
Is it though?
No! Wait!
You were eating a chip!
Where's the chip?
It is physically impossible
for me to take a bad picture.
I don't know why.
Ask God.
Look, Lily,
I'm sorry about Amanda.
I'm just going to say it.
You are being
a birthday brat.
You're all bent out
of shape just 'cause
you think I ruined
a couple pictures.
Oh, Ted.
These girls have ruined
so many events,
or are you forgetting Paris?
What happened in Paris?
It was junior year and I was
studying abroad in Paris,
and I hadn't seen
Marshall for two months.
Two months.
And I had just started
having sex.
I wasn't ready to stop
for two months.
And Marshall was coming
to visit over spring break.
And at the last minute,
Ted decided to come
with the girl he had just
gotten back together with, Karen.
Karen.
I am so excited you're here.
I'm so excited
to go to Paris.
I'm so excited
to have sex again.
But just before the plane
took off...
Wait, I want to tell
you something.
Really? 'Cause I think I want
to tell you the same thing.
Is your thing, I had sex
with my philosophy
professor last night?
'Cause that's my thing.
And thus began the longest
seven and a half hours
of Marshall's life.
# #
When I picked them up
at the airport...
Ted broke up with me.
I need to sleep
in your room this week.
Marshall can bunk with Ted.
Two months!
My balls were bleu! Bleu!
This will come
as no shock, but the rest
of the trip was terrible.
And all I wanted was
a romantic kiss picture
in front
of the Eiffel Tower, which
I actually did get.
It just happened to be between
Karen and Francois,
our waiter from the day before.
Wow, that's just awful.
Just... Ugh!
Just-Just...
Oopsies! Hey.
I dropped my phone. You mind
picking it up for me?
Oh, sure. Smile,
you son of a bitch!
Got it!
Did you, though?
Wait. How do you do that?!
You weren't even standing up!
The camera loves me, Robin.
More than loves me.
The camera lusts after me.
The camera wants
to put on some nice lingerie,
pop in an Al Green CD,
dim the lights
and do all the work
while I just lie there
with my eyes closed.
Look, I'm sorry
about Paris
and all the ruined
group shots,
but when you're
single, you got to hope
that each next new
girl is the one.
I mean, Erin.
Emily.
Irene.
Or Isabel.
And Sarah.
It's Leilani.
What is wrong with you?
At the time,
yes, I thought
each of these girls
could be the one,
but I got to stay hopeful.
I mean, what's
the alternative?
Here's the alternative.
How about no more random skanks
at my birthday!
Hey, sweetie!
Hi. Uh, do you guys
have a cooling rack?
Oh, drawer under the oven.
Can't wait.
You're just the best!
Ted, I'm sorry.
I gonna have
to agree with Lily on this.
I mean, these kind
of events
are hard for a new person.
That's why
I didn't bring Don tonight.
I mean, when I lived
in Japan,
this guy, for our third date,
brought me
to his brother's wedding.
Now, I- a total stranger-
am in that Japanese couple's
wedding picture
for all eternity.
Uh...
Yeah, Ted, I think you
should listen to Robin.
Right, right, 'cause...
'cause Robin's your best friend.
Mm.
Exactly.
Your best friend
in the whole world.
Absolutely.
Careful, Lily. It's a trap.
And before she was your
best friend, what was she?
Oh, that's right.
One of my random skanks.
Hey!
Okay, yes, Ted.
This particular skank... Hey!
...happened
to work out,
but she's the
skanky exception,
not the skanky rule.
Okay, I'm crying
a little bit. Okay.
Hey, guys, that about wraps up
this whole skank conversation.
Let's get back
to the birthday song!
Okay, um, Barney,
your part goes like this.
# She's cute #
# She's cute. #
Lily, I bring girls
to these events
because you guys
are important to me.
You're my family.
And, oh, hey, Robin.
Hey, Robin, Robin,
your part goes
like this.
# And nice and nice #
# And also nice! #
Yes. We're a family.
So why can't these
events ever just be us?
Like the time we celebrated
Marshall passing the bar exam.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
This is the disgusting,
smelly hippie I'm dating.
Hey!
I did not say that!
Well, you might
as well have.
Hey, guys.
This is Strawberry.
Hey!
Um, should we
order more food?
Oh, no. Uh,
Strawberry's not eating.
I'm a vegetarian.
Okay.
Well, let's all raise a glass.
Mm.
For the last three years,
Marshall has been
working so hard,
and I am so proud of you.
Meat is murder!
Murder!
Okay, I admit it.
Strawberry was a mistake.
But how could I have known that
going in?
Her name was Strawberry.
Look, if it's such a big deal,
Amanda doesn't have to be
in the group photo.
But I promise she's not gonna
ruin your birthday.
Just-Just give her a chance.
See, look, guys.
We're all friends again!
Now let's work
on those harmonies.
# Happy happy Lily day! #
# Happy happy
Lily day... #
All done.
I hope you like it.
"Happy 42nd birthday, Lori."
Kids, you know how
I've told you about Lily's
"you're dead to me" look-
that expression
she gets just before
she explodes
in white-hot rage?
Well, this wasn't it.
But this was Marshall's.
"42nd"?
Does this
hot piece of ass look 42 to you?
Or! Or does she look
like her name is Lori?!
No, Marshall, it's okay.
No, Lily, it's not okay.
Ted, get this stranger
out of my house!
I am so sorry.
Out!
# Happy, happy Lily day #
# Happy, happy
Lily day. #
Well... Amanda refused
to come back.
She thinks you guys hate her.
Marshall, you have
to go apologize.
You ruin Lily's birthday
and you want me to apologize?
If anything, you should
apologize to me.
What are you talking about?
Ted, you bring girls
to these intimate events
and it makes them think that
things are really serious.
And then when you
break up with them,
you know who they turn to?
Me. I've been your girlfriend
cleanup crew for yea.
February, 2005.
I had just come back
from a marathon study session
at the law library.
Hey.
Hey, Natalie,
where's, uh, where's Ted?
We broke up... again!
Uh-oh.
Won't you sit with me
for a little while?
Just sit?
Man, you know what? I've been up
for, like, 36 hours.
Just for a few minutes.
And at first,
I was completely sympathetic.
But damn it, Ted,
over the years,
you made me cynical.
You know what? I'm going to
go get us some Rocky Road,
and we're just going to sit here
and talk it out until it makes sense.
I just thought we had
something so special, you know?
Me, too. Yeah.
But, you know, life
goes on, sweetheart.
I don't know how I'm going to put
my life back together after this.
Oh, shut up.
Well, I'm sorry my search
for true love has been
such an inconvenience
to you guys.
You know what?
Maybe your precious pictures
would look a lot better
if I wasn't in them.
They'd look a lot better if Marshall
weren't in them. Cheap shot, bro.
Cheap shot.
You know what these
pictures are, Lily?
They're a big, fat lie.
They're posed.
They're touched up.
They're what you want our life
to be, not what it is.
That's not true!
Oh, yeah? Okay.
Look at this one.
Halloween,
two years ago.
You and Marshall
got in a huge fight
because you didn't want
to dress up as penguins.
No, no-no, it's not just
that she didn't want to.
It's that she called
penguins "lame." Penguins.
And yet, here you are,
smiling like nothing's
wrong- completely phony.
Robin's birthday,
three years ago.
Robin had a cold
and you made her
change out of her
pajama's for the picture.
And then you pinched my cheeks
really hard to get
some color in them.
Yeah, but you look pretty.
And then, we all ate
chocolate cake in my bed.
Actually, that was
a really nice night.
Yeah, it was.
Yeah, I guess it was.
Hey, look at this one.
This is the first picture
the three of us
ever took together.
That's right. It was.
Yeah, you remember
how it happened?
Okay, ready?
Wait, wait, wait.
What pose should we do?
Buddy cop picture?
Oh, no, no-no!
What about, um, '80s sitcom
about two roommates who never
agree on anything? Mm-hmm.
Nice. Okay,
one, two...
Hi, Marshall.
Ready for the movie?
Um, yeah. Just a
second though, okay?
We're about to
make history.
We're about to take our
first ever roommate picture.
Yeah. Hey, why don't you
get in the picture, too?
Really?
Yeah.
What are you doing, Ted?
What if we break up?
What if you don't?
Come on.
Come on.
I forgot all about that.
Marshall and I had just
been dating a few weeks
and you invited me
into the picture.
I liked you.
We have to get Amanda back.
Really?
Ted,
you believed in me.
It's my turn
to believe in you.
For all I know,
she's the one.
Thanks, Lil.
I think Lori's age
has made her very wise.
They say your forties are when you
really get to know yourself. Hmm.
So, your Aunt Lily
called Amanda.
All right, people,
gather around.
Let's make a memory.
Okay, Marshall-
Marshall, try this.
Keep your eyes closed
until the last second,
and when I say so,
open them. Okay.
Hey, Barney, is that
a hole in your suit jacket?
What? Where?
Now, Marshall!
Damn it!
Ted, name that bitch.
Birth... a?
Bertha?
No, it was my birthday.
Your brain makes associations
in a very obvious way.
All right, people.
Gather around.
Let's make a memory.
Hey, Robin, what's in
this dip you made?
'Cause it tastes
like... cilantro.
And you know that
cilantro makes me...
Yes!
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