How I Met Your Mother - S05E23 - The Wedding Bride

<i>Kids, when you're
in your 2os dating is great,
<i>but by the time you reach your
3os, you find out pretty fast
<i>everyone has baggage.
<i>Sure, you can stick
to the small talk
<i>and pretend it's not there,
but sooner or later...
It's my ex.
Sorry. We're trying
to remain friends.
Hi, pumpkin!
Did you get our
tickets to Maui?
<i>Yeah, it's there.
That spring I just started dating
a girl named Royce.
<i>She was smart, beautiful...
Blah-blah-blah,
we're very happy together.
But...
Exactly.
That's the problem.
Her butt?
What is it, too much?
Too little?
Or is it an issue of access?
No, the "but" is, there's
always gonna be a "but."
No matter how great things
are going,
sooner or later,
it's gonna get ruined.
When she turns 30.
When I find out
what her baggage is.
It's there.
I don't know what it is,
but when I do, party's over.
Whoa. Ted,
please tell me
you are not impugning
emotional baggage.
Baggage is a good thing?
Emotional baggage
is the bedrock
of America's most important
cultural export.
Porn.
Actually, it's porn.
Only women with major baggage
go into porn.
Major Baggage.
Ted, everyone has baggage.
You just got to look past it.
Really? 'Cause the last time
I looked past a girl's baggage,
that baggage belonged
to a girl named Stella,
and, oh, I'm drawing
a blank here.
How did that work out again?
<i>Here's how it worked out.
Marry me.
<i>I asked her to marry me.
She said yes.
<i>We were happy. But then the day
of the wedding,
<i>her karate instructor
<i>ex-boyfriend Tony Grafanello
showed up,
<i>declared his love for her,
<i>and Stella ran off with him
to California,
<i>leaving me utterly and
completely heartbroken.
Ted, look,
what happened with
Stella was awful,
but that doesn't mean
anyone with baggage
is undateable.
Well, I'm just glad
that we met young enough
that I don't have any baggage.
Mother issues.
I do not.
Grandmother issues.
Definitely do not.
Great-grandmother issues.
I just don't like it when she picks me up.
And you know what
your biggest baggage is?
You're too nice.
How is being nice baggage?
Have you ever seen you
walk down the street?
I don't even know
how to answer hat.
Well, let me help you out.
Michael!
Javier, Marcello!
Susanne.
Hey, Deng, let me
help you with that.
That ought to do it.
Oh, guys, no.
I could not today.
It would just be...
That's normal.
There is only one street
where that is normal.
Here's a hint:
A giant yellow bird
lives on it.
Well, I'll be pretty happy
if Royce's only baggage is
that she's too nice.
Too nice?
That is the worst kind of baggage.
Best baggage:
Hates her dad
and thinks she's
fat, but isn't.
Angry sex on the first date,
and then as soon as
you mention breakfast,
she's gone.
Why do guys hang out with me?
<i>That night on
my date with Royce,
<i>I kept waiting to see
what her baggage would be.
So, is spaghetti
your specialty?
Uh, no. The main event
is my pancakes.
I'll make 'em for you sometime.
They are insane.
My dad used to make
multigrain pancakes.
He's the one who got
me working in porn.
You know PORN?
"Parents Offering
Recognition and Nutrition"?
It's a charity
for inner-city teens
who don't have access to
sports or healthy food.
That reminds me...
I killed my brother...
With this joke
I told him last night.
A barber, a stripper
and a Jew...
...lliard-trained violinist
walk into a bar.
<i>I looked and looked and looked,
but it really appeared
<i>as though there was no baggage
to worry about...
<i>until we went
to go see a movie.
♪ ♪
Oh, no.
Hey, what took you guys so long?
Nothing.
Forget about it.
We were on our way here,
and Marshall wanted
to stop and help some guys load
their moving van.
To be nice.
It didn't cost nothing.
D when the moving van
drove away,
who should show up
but the owner of the apartment
we had just helped
some guys rob.
And that one was hard
to explain to the police.
See, Marshall?
This is what I mean.
You can't treat New York City
like it's the small, friendly,
crime-free, inbred, backwoods,
Podunk, cow-tipping, Minnesota
Hickville where you grew up.
Crime-free?
Yeah.
Crime-free? In 1994,
the cashier from the feed store
was held up at hoepoint.
And besides,
I like being friendly, okay?
I'm not gonna change that
about myself.
No, don't change, baby.
I think it's sweet.
Sweet, sweet.
Sweet mother of God,
he's an idiot sometimes.
He actually lent the burglars
gas money.
He gave them money?
Not gave, lent.
They said that they would
send us a check,
so Marshall gave them
our address.
What's to stop them
from coming
to our apartment one night
and maybe tying me up?
I mean, sure,
Marshall and I like to pretend,
but the reality is scary.
Why don't you say something
to him?
What's the point?
<i>He's from Minnesota.
His high school mascot
was a hug.
Hey, guys.
Hey!
How'd the date with Royce go?
It was interesting.
We went to see
<i>that new movie
The Wedding Bride.
Oh, how was it?!
Not that I care.
I mean, that's a chick flick.
This one'll probably drag me
to it,
like, the 7:10 show
tomorrow night or 9:40 because
I have that meeting.
But I can probably get o of it,
so let's try for the 7:10.
What's that
movie about, anyway?
That's the interesting part.
Hey, bonehead,
I'm Jed Mosely!
I'm the most powerful
and corrupt architect
in New York.
I want...
It's about me.
<i>The Wedding Bride is about you?
Yeah.
Okay, are you sure
it's about you?
<i>Because when I saw Spaceballs
for the first time,
I could have sworn...
<i>This movie is
about me, Marshall.
It was written
by Tony Grafanello.
Tony Grafanello?
That's the...
Yeah, the guy
that Stella left me for.
This movie is the
whole story of our breakup.
Why would he write
a movie about that?
Isn't he the bad guy
in that story?
Yeah, and the good guy is a guy
named Ted Mosby.
Funny, that was my
memory of it, too.
But according to the movie...
Mr.
Mosley, your fiancé is here.
Great, the old ball and chain.
I can't wait to make her move
out of her beautiful house
in New Jersey and come live with
me in an apartment above a bar.
Send her in!
Ah!
Stella, to what do I owe
the pleasure?
We're supposed to taste wedding
cakes this afternoon, remember?
Ouch!
No-can-do's-ville, baby doll.
Whoa!
Aw...
Well, I am stunned.
Right?
That's what passes for comedy
these days?
"Whoa, I'm falling back
in my chair!
Whoa!"
Whoa. I'm really falling back
in my chair.
Oh, baby!
Okay, that was pretty funny.
What a jerk.
Did he at least get
someone hot to play me?
You're not in it.
What a jerk!
No. No, no, no,
Tony's not a jerk.
Not according
to the movie, anyway.
I'm going through
with this wedding.
I'm sorry, Tony.
Stella, your happiness is
the only thing I care about,
except for these underprivileged
children
that I work with for free.
Aw...!
I love him.
It's not that easy, Tony.
Jed Mosely may not be
as handsome as you are,
as...
Tall as you are...
<i>I'm taller than that guy.
...and our sex life is terrible.
Once, he even fell asleep
while we were doing it.
I mean...
It was one time.
I was on cold medicine!
What?
Nothing.
<i>This is a terrible movie!
And it got everything wrong!
Re-Remember how I proposed
to Stella?
<i>That spontaneous moment
in the arcade;
<i>I didn't have a ring,
<i>so I gave her a toy I won
from a crane machine?
Oh, that was so sweet.
So romantic.
A little cheesy.
Well, here's how it went
Look, if it'll shut you up,
I guess we can get married.
Aren't you gonna give me a ring?
No-can-do's-ville, baby doll.
Here, put is on your finger.
Hey!
And remember
the two-minute date?
When I squeezed an entire
romantic evening
<i>into just two minutes
<i>to accommodate
Stella's busy schedule?
Oh, Ted,
you're such a good guy.
That was really nice.
Also a little cheesy.
Well, according to the movie...
What about our big
romantic weekend?
No-can-do's-ville, baby doll.
Alls I got time for is
a two-minute date,
if you know
what I mean. Sex!
Whoa!
Aw...!
Hey, if you know
what you're doing,
two minutes is all you need.
Run tell DAT.
<i>But the worst,
the worst was the ending.
So they're at the wedding...
Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosely
to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
I...
Whoa-oh! Spoilers!
Is what, is what I would say
if ever plan on seeing
such an awful film!
Continue.
So they're at the wedding...
I...
Stella!
Tony!
Tony?!
Something I need to say.
A long time ago,
I let this beautiful girl
named Stella
get away.
And now she's with
some jerk
who doesn't appreciate
what he has in this
beautiful wedding bride.
Aw...!
What is wrong with you people?!
You can't talk to me like that!
I'm Ted Mosely!
Did he say "Ted" that time?
Shh!
Stella, I promised
to make you my wife.
And I'd like to live up
to that promise.
Oh, Tony, all I've wanted
all my life was your love.
Oh, go on, honey, kiss him.
Kiss him! Kiss him!
Stella, if you still
truly love me...
Kiss him! Kiss him!
Will you let me make you
my wedding bride?
Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!
Can-do's-ville, baby doll.
No, no, no!
Stop doing that!
Daddy!
Take that, Ted Mosby!
Okay, he definitely
said it that time.
Oh, my God!
That was so good!
I'm laughing, I'm crying.
I... I know
it's all fake,
but didn't those seem
like real characters?
It was just so real!
Hey, how come
you said, "Oh, no"
when the movie started?
<i>That's when I realized
everyone has baggage...
<i>including me.
Oh, uh, no reason.
Ted, I think you need
to tell Royce the story
of what happened
with you and Stella.
It-it's gonna come out
eventually.
Why? Why does it
even have to?
Well, for starters,
it's now the fifth
highest grossing movie
of all time.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I'm taking this to the grave.
It's a stupid movie anyway!
Sounds terrible.
I would never go
see that film because
I support you and I love you.
<i>Kids, you know
where this is going.
Well, she's made her choice.
Don't worry.
I won't go to the wedding.
Oh, you'll go all right!
I'm gonna drive you there myself
and make you watch!
Billy, no!
The code.
This is exactly how it happened.
He got every part right.
Even the thing
with the nunchucks.
<i>So I was resolved
to put The Wedding Bride
<i>as far behind me as possible.
<i>Unfortunately...
<i>Oh, how great was
The Wedding Bride?
Oh! Loved it!
Loved it, loved it, loved it!
We're going to see it again tomorrow.
Oh, can we come?
Ted, you want to see it
again, right?
Yeah, it was good.
"Good"?
Try instant classic!
The only thing wrong
with it--
and I mean, it's such
a minor flaw
in an otherwise
flawless film--
is, I just didn't get
why Stella would even want
to marry a guy like Jed Mosely
in the first place.
I mean, even that guy's
name: Jed Mosely....
Come on, Royce.
You've dated
a few Jed Moselys in your day.
Well, okay, but who hasn't?
He's such a type;
The butterfly tattoo,
the way he pronounces
encyclopedia.
Ugh!
Encyclo-pay-dia.
Totally, totally.
Well, technically,
that is the correct
pronunciation.
I was so, so happy
when that loser got left
at the altar.
And you know why?
Because he had it coming. Mm-hmm.
And the great part is, he is
gonna live a long, sad life,
knowing that he lost
his only chance at happiness.
Oh, and what about when he
got beat up by the goat?!
So funny!
What a loser!
Totally.
Totally!
I mean, the guy's
life was shattered
in a very public humiliation.
What a hoot!
It may be years before he can look
certain family members
in the eye again.
He may be so emotionally traumatized,
he never fully loves or trusts
anyone ever again.
It was hysterical!
Move over, Adolf Hitler,
there's a new king
of comedy, right?
Ted, are you okay?
No, I just think you all might be interested
to learn something
about that movie you all love so much.
It sucks...
And you're all stupid
for liking it.
Wow. That was really mean and
I think you owe us an apology.
No-can-do's-ville, baby doll...
No-can-do's-ville...
You said, "No-can-do's-
ville, baby doll"?
You actually used
Jed Mosely's catchphrase?
I know! I was just
so upset that they...
How do you know
that's his catchphrase?
You dragged me into it. I didn't wanna go.
I wanted to see Avatar.
That's it. I'm just gonna move
to some country
<i>where no one's seen
The Wedding Bride.
Good luck, Ted.
That movie is worldwide.
It's huge.
Maybe North Korea?
Nope. I read
that Kim Jong IL said
it's his second favorite movie
of all time.
Right behind a movie of him
riding a horse in slow motion
Sorry, Ted.
You're screwed.
No, Ted, you know what, no,
Ted is not screwed.
Do you guys want to know
why I'm nice to everyone?
It's because I don't care bout baggage.
I mean, most people, they see
another person walking down the street
with that big heavy bag
they're carrying,
and they just walk on by.
But not me.
I look at them and I say,
I say, "Howdy, stranger.
Can I give you a hand
with that?"
And you know who taught me
to be that way?
A guy called Ted Mosby.
A guy who's uncynical and sincere
and believed in things.
And you know what, Ted?
I believe that deep down,
you're still that guy.
<i>I am still that guy.
I think you want to go out there
and get that girl.
I want to get out there and get that girl.
- Because she's the love of your life.
- Because she's...
Oh, well, we're three dates in.
She seems nice.
Because she seems nice!
<i>She does seem nice!
You're right, Marshall.
I gotta go get her.
And I know exactly where she is.
The wedding's in 15 minutes.
I'll never make it!
You can do it, Sensei.
Go get love a house round kick.
Right in the heart.
You're right. What am I doing?!
There's still time!
Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosely
To be your lawfully wedded husband,
I...
- Royce!
- Stella!
- Ted?!
- Tony?
- Tony?
- Ted?
Barney?
Look, there's something I need to say.
A long time ago,
A long time ago,
I let this beautiful girl Stella
I let a horrible girl named Stella
Break my heart...
Get away...
And now she's with this jerk
who wrote a movie about it
and that movie is called...
<i>The Wedding Bride.
What are you saying?
You can't talk to me like that!
I'm Jed Mosely!
I'm Ted Mosely!
But Royce, this dufus in the red
cowboy boots, this isn't me.
So, just to be clear,
are you saying you that
you don't have a pair of red
cowboy boots in your closet?
- Barney what are you...
- I just wanted...
They're actually more
of a burgundy.
Royce, I promised
Stella, I promised
to make you some pancakes.
To make you my wife.
And I'd like to
live up to that promise.
Ted, all I've wanted all my
life Ted, all I've wanted all week
...was your love.
...was some pancakes.
Oh, go on, honey, kiss him!
Kiss him.
Kiss him, kiss him,
Um, Uncle Barney didn't say "kiss".
Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him,
<i>Still not saying "kiss."
Kiss him!
<i>Sir, you need to leave, now.
<i>This is outrageous.
Who the kiss are you?
Royce, if you still...
If you still truly love me...
...kind of like me...
...can you let me make you
- My wedding bride?
- Can you let me make you some pancakes?
Can-do's-ville, babydoll.
Daddy! Kiss this!
Kissin' movie's over anyway.
Sir...
Oh. Oops. Oops.
Hey, um...
...that stuff
that happened to me,
it was pretty rough.
I'm, uh, I'm still
getting over it.
Let me help you with that.
And just like that, kids,
My baggage didn't seem quite
so heavy anymore.
<i>You see, everyone's
got some baggage--
<i>it's part of life--
but like anything else,
<i>it's easier when someone
gives you a hand with it.
Wow, it feels so good to have told you
all that stuff about me.
I'm really glad I can open up to you.
Ted, it's not
that big of a deal.
Heck, I've been
left at the altar.
Three times.
The last time was because I blew
all our money on online poker.
That's why I live
with my brother now.
Wait, I... I thought you said
you had a tiny studio apartment.
Just the two of us,
You should see how he hogs the covers.
Yeah, you gotta go.