Kids, one morning in
2010, I opened the newspaper
only to discover an op-ed
written by Zoey Pierson.
- You remember Zoey.
- Key Ted Mosby's car.
In those four column inches,
she railed against me and my company, GNB, -
for wanting to tear down
a beautiful old building:
The Arcadian.
And as if that wasn't bad enough, -
the piece ran on a Saturday,
which as you both know, -
is Dad's crossword day.
She ruined crossword day!
I can't believe this.
She singles me out by name.
Calls me a "fat cat."
Me and my "fat-cat friends."
- We're not fat cats.
- Exactly.
- I say, Marshall, my good man, how's
my bow tie? - Impeccable, old bean.
- To industry!
- Ah, bully!
Okay, that night we
weren't entirely un-fat-catty.
You see, every year
the Natural History Museum -
holds its Autumn Spectacular.
It's attended by some of the most powerful
and important people
in New York.
And, thanks to
Goliath National Bank...
Us.
Look at us, huh?
In tuxedos?
Can you imagine if our college
selves saw us like this?
They'd pelt us
with their Phish bootlegs.
Yeah, we were pretty
anti-establishment back then.
Oh, God, remember Russell?
Nice monkey suit, Russell.
Yeah.
Come on, guys.
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't hear you
with that corporate noose
around your neck.
And don't even try showing up
to the drum circle this weekend.
Yeah.
Oh, hey. You guys
seen Russell?
I'm supposed to drive him
to his mom's funeral.
I wish I knew
you guys back then.
You know why? Because you
can't kick a story in the nuts.
Hey, we're still those people.
One of these days, Marshall's
going to quit his job
and go to work for the NRDC,
and save the world,
right, baby?
Absotively.
But let's just
remember, I mean,
nobody's the same
as they were in college.
You know, it's like, I wear
a suit to work every day.
Well, yeah, but you
wear it ironically,
like Ted's fanny pack.
Next time we go
to Great Adventure,
you're carrying
your own sunblock.
Ooh! I love this exhibit.
One time when I was a kid, this
room was closed for cleaning,
so I snuck under the rope.
Ooh.
Wow, that's pretty cool.
When I was a kid,
I knocked down the blue whale.
Okay, the giant blue whale
hanging from the ceiling?
I was six. My uncle Jerry
brought me here for the day.
He said, "Don't touch anything"
To a kid.
That's like someone telling us,
"Don't look at that girl's perky
and impossibly symmetrical
knockers."
Ooh.
Not bad.
So, naturally, I snapped
the rib off a triceratops,
blahbity-blahbity-blue,
I knocked down the whale.
I'm surprised security
didn't stop me on the way in.
Well, I'm sure
they don't remember.
I mean, it's been like 30 years
since that completely
made-up story didn't happen.
It happened.
And these people don't forget.
This is not the
Natural Stuff That Happened -
No More Than Five Minutes Ago
Museum. Huh?
Marshall, Barney,
there you are.
I want you to meet an old friend
of mine from Exeter,
George Van Smoot.
But you can, and should,
call me The Captain.
The Captain?
The Captain?
Back in school we met during
a production of Guys and Dolls.
The Captain was Nathan Detroit
to my assistant stage manager.
Marshall and Barney here,
are the future
of Goliath National Bank.
Well, ahoy.
Ahoy.
Ahoy, The Captain.
The Captain pretty much paid
for this entire shindig.
Please, enjoy yourselves,
have fun,
but don't touch anything.
- Thank you, The Captain.
- Challenge accepted.
Wow.
"The future of
Goliath National Bank"?
I know, it's so, uh...
You know, I totally forgot
to tell you, but, um, -
the other day, Arthur offered
me a five-year contract.
Oh, well, don't turn him down
here in public.
I broke up with Scooter
at the prom.
Right before the picture, too.
So whatever you do, don't tell
him here tonight, 'cause...
I think I'm going to say yes.
Ah, that's the stuff.
720p WEB version sync by
CycoMiko@HDBits.org
I didn't realize you
were small potatoes.
And to be clear, I am
referring to your testicles.
Impressive.
Try this on for size.
You want to dance?
Let's dance.
I live for the dance.
Get... your other hand...
off my ass.
Sorry, sorry.
What do you mean,
you're going to say yes?
I-I want to keep
working at GNB.
But I thought that you...
Guys, guys, guys?
Architecture fun fact:
If you stand right here,
and you whisper,
a person all the way across
the other end of the room
hears it like you're standing
right next to them.
It's one of the most
sophisticated pieces
of acoustical design
in the world. Watch.
Diarrhea.
Right? Right?
But a five-year
contract.
I thought you hated GNB.
Look, I don't hate all of it.
Tonight's fun.
Take a look around.
I mean, this is
pretty high-class.
Poo-poo.
Poo-poo platter.
Zoey?
Well, well, well.
You have got to be kidding me.
So, what are we protesting
tonight?
Rising cost of jet fuel?
The government's oppressive
top hat and monocle tax?
And what are you doing here?
Oh, right.
Beautiful old building...
You're here to knock it down.
Can I finish my drink first?
Darling, there you are.
Hi.
Hi.
Ted, this is my husband.
Yeah, old stuff's great.
Mmm. Ah, this Scotch
is good. How's your drink?
This is ridiculous.
We are two grown adults standing
among the greatest collection
of natural artifacts
in the Western hemisphere,
and look at what we're doing.
You're right.
Want to go touch
a bunch of stuff?
Yeah, I do.
So, Captain.
How'd you get that name, anyway?
Gave it to myself.
A real man chooses
his own name.
Well, pleased to meet you,
Captain.
I'm Galactic President
Superstar McAwesomeville.
This is Ted.
Capital.
Honey, I may cut out early.
I have to go check up
on the boat.
The boat?
There's a boat?
You must tell me about
this boat, Captain.
Well, she's an 85-foot sloop.
She!
Do you like boats?
Does the sea call to you
like it calls to me?
Yes. The sea is all like,
"Ted, come hang out."
I like Galactic President
Superstar McAwesomeville.
You're coming on
the boat sometime.
Stepping off.
Man, I wish me and my dad
were as close as you guys are.
Oh. You want
to make this personal?
Okay.
Destroy Ted Mosby.
Now it's personal.
No, if I wanted
to make it personal,
I'd call you
a bored little trophy wife
who likes to play activist
when the shops
on 5th Avenue are closed.
You're going down.
Down where?
To the yacht club?
Oh! I would love to.
W-w-wait.
I'm half Jewish,
will that be a problem?
So what about becoming
an environmental lawyer?
What about saving the world?
Wieners.
That was a great dream.
But we have a mortgage,
and we're trying to have kids.
We're grown-ups now, Lily.
Wieners and gonads.
What would College You say
if he heard what
you were saying right now?
Honestly? Probably
something pretentious,
and pseudo-intellectual, like...
Boogers.
We all change, Lily.
You know, you don't spell
"women" with a "Y" anymore.
And I'm okay with that.
And you need to be okay
with the fact
that I may never become
an environmental lawyer.
So how long have
you felt this way?
Honestly?
Since my first day at GNB.
Hershey squirts.
Hey. How do you
like my date's tux?
Ooh!
Uh, a-thank you!
Oh, none for him.
He's stuffed.
Stuffed.
Oh! Zoey! There you are.
Oh, my God.
You have a monocle.
Is this real?
Is this really happening?
Can you excuse us for a moment?
Let's go for a walk.
Good luck killing James Bond.
Are we allowed in here?
What do you want from me?
I want my crossword day back.
Okay? Go live your perfect
little life,
and leave me the hell alone.
My life isn't perfect.
Oh, please,
what's your biggest problem?
Having to sail
back to the marina
because the Captain's
all out of white Zin?
Oh. Great.
Now you're crying.
Like that's going
to get my sympathy.
It did.
You've known about this
for two and a half years?
So every time you've
talked about wanting to be an
environmental lawyer since then,
that was a lie.
Technically, I never lied.
You asked me questions,
and I responded
with made-up words.
What?
So, you'll probably quit GNB
in a couple years, right?
Affirmatootly.
And become
an environmental lawyer?
Yepskerdoodles.
Hey, by the way,
do you like this scarf?
Posititochadochmecochepopocha.
Lawyered.
Okay, that's also
a made-up word.
Okay. Lily,
what do you want from me?
I want you to be the person
I fell in love with.
Niled it!
Excuse me.
Thank God you're here.
She's been messing
with the exhibits.
I got married when I was 22
to a man who calls himself
The Captain.
He seems like a good guy.
He wears those red pants.
I hate boats, Ted.
I do, I hate 'em.
I can't be on them.
I can't be near them.
I can't even think about them
without getting seasick.
You want to know why I want
to save that building?
Because when I look up
at The Arcadian,
I see something big and solid,
and right now everything else
in my life
just feels like I'm on a boat.
I know it's crazy to care
that much about a building.
It's not crazy at all.
I'm the same way.
Look, Zoey,
The Arcadian should be
a landmark, it should.
The lion head stonework
is iconic.
I hate that we have
to tear it down.
I hate working for GNB.
They're a bunch of wieners
and gonads.
Ted, that was...
really easy.
What?
They're a
bunch of wieners and gonads.
This should be useful.
And in that moment,
another headline appeared
before my eyes.
You tricked me.
Well, it the bug room, Ted.
Your ass just got bugged.
Oh, the offer still stands.
We simply must have you out
on the boat sometime.
Well, aren't you two clever.
Well, guess what,
this museum has seen
every kind of prank
you can think of.
Mummies playing poker,
penguins sticking
out of volcanoes,
dinosaurs from
the Cretaceous period
hanging out with dinosaurs
from the Jurassic period.
One time a kid knocked down
the blue whale.
You name it...
I'm sorry. Did you say someone
knocked down the blue whale?
Oh no, not just someone.
A six-year-old.
Oh, yeah, that
story is legend...
Hold on.
...dary.
And, um, would you
happen to know
what that young man's name was?
No.
But I could,
uh, check the files.
Thank you.
Now, Arthur, your turn.
I just sang three songs.
Now you-you do your part
from Guys and Dolls.
Take your seats, everyone.
The show's about to start.
Douche.
So I hear my wife
got you pretty good.
She caught me on
tape trashing GNB.
Oh, that damn recorder.
Try being married to that.
"But you said you'd get the
corgis neutered this weekend."
"I said no such thing."
"Oh, yeah?" Click.
You're a good guy,
Galactic President
Superstar McAwesomeville.
Tell you what,
when Zoey goes to sleep,
I'll find that tape
and erase it for you.
No hard feelings.
Really?
You'd do that to your own wife?
Sure. Why not?
I mean, I'm glad she has
these little causes,
they keep her out of trouble,
but when she throws
a temper tantrum
and it gets in the way
of someone doing their job,
that's a problem.
No, you know what?
Don't erase the tape.
And for what it's worth,
I don't think
she's throwing temper tantrums.
I just think she's, you know,
standing up
for what she believes in.
I respect that.
Hey, what about this?
I'll take you out
on the boat sometime.
You've got to see this boat.
She's breathtaking.
Kids, there's an amazing
architectural phenomenon
in the Natural History Museum.
If you stand in the right spot,
you can hear
an entire conversation
all the way across the room.
July 23, 1981,
incident report.
At approximately 1000 hours,
No... vandal dislodged
rib from triceratops skeleton...
No...
...and flung said rib
at giant whale.
No.
Causing said giant whale to fall
in a downward trajectory.
No.
And the vandal's name...
No.
Well, I'll be damned...
Barney Stinson.
No! No!
Who's the master, Leroy?
Stinson was reprimanded
and returned to the custody
of his father, Jerome Whittaker.
Uh, no, uncle.
Jerome Whittaker is my uncle.
Uncle Jerry. Says father.
Even signed it
and checked the box
for father and everything.
Jerry's my uncle.
Lily?
Honey, what's wrong?
You okay?
Do you want a hit
of this sandwich?
I want you.
Awesome. Let me just put
a sock on the doorknob.
No. I mean, I want you
as opposed to who you've become.
You've changed so much.
What? How have I changed?
Did I cheat on you?
No.
Did I stop writing poems
for you?
Yes, but I'm okay with that.
Am I not as good at making
the sweet, sweet love to you?
Actually, you're way better now.
You last, like, two,
three times as long.
You said that any longer
would be too much.
It's okay. College Lily thinks
those are orgasms.
No, it's...
it's none of that.
It's just this new Marshall...
Corporate Marshall...
he wears suits
all the time.
He doesn't care about
saving the world.
He's not you.
I want you back.
Well, you can't have me.
Look at the sign.
I'm extinct.
I've gone the way
of Jane's Addiction.
Actually, Jane's Addiction
got back together.
They did?
Yeah, they've done a few tours,
they put out a new album.
Are you serious?
That is awesome!
Are they just as good?
Sure.
Look, I know that
Corporate Marshall
wears a tie and everything,
but it sounds like
he hasn't changed
where it counts.
Hey.
Hi.
Look, Lily,
I know that you
would have been okay
if we were poor and I was
trying to save the world,
but will you still be okay
if I make a lot of money
and I spend all of it
spoiling you and our kids?
We'll make it work.
There he goes.
The Marathon Man.
Mr. Stamina himself.
I can kiss better
than that old man.
So when was the last
time you saw him?
It was that day...
July 23, 1981.
My mom got pretty mad
that he let me destroy
a New York City landmark.
Moms.
He never came around
anymore after that.
Think he moved away.
Well, maybe the security guy
had it wrong.
You never know...
But you do know, you do know.
That's the thing. You know.
He's my dad.
Barney, do you want...
I don't want to do anything.
Don't tell anyone
about this, okay?
I'm serious.
It's a great look.
I think it could come
back, but one question.
Does it cost half
as much as glasses?
Can I steal you for a second?
You don't need
to worry. I...
What are you doing?
Oh, I thought we were...
Fine.
I erased the tape.
What?
I don't need it.
I'm going to beat
you fair and square.
Thanks.
But it's good to know
how easily you can be
manipulated by a woman.
You look gross when
you cry, you know that?
Some women look cute.
You look like a basset hound.
Oh, laugh it up now.
Because starting Monday,
I got you in my crosshairs.
Bring it on, Princess.
Eriksen...
It's, uh, 3:00 a.m.
You know what, you might
as well not even go home.
And so Marshall stayed right on
at Goliath National Bank.
Of course,
it wouldn't last forever.
But that's another story.
No comments:
Post a Comment