<i>NARRATOR:
Kids, when Lily and Marshall
started trying to have a baby,
<i>they went a t ttle crazy.
We've been trying
and trying,
and still
nothing's happened.
I'm just worried
we can't have children.
And how long
have you been trying?
Six days.
Oy.
<i>But then, months went by,
and still nothing happened.
Something must be wrong.
W-We're doing it
a lot.
And everywhere--
the kitchen, the bathroom,
the living room,
outside in your
wait-- the kitchen.
LILY:
Seriously, Doc,
why isn't
this happening?
Look,
if you're really worried,
here is a number
for a reproductive
endocrinologist-- Dr. Stangel.
<i>He's the best in
the city.
MARSHALL:
Dr. John Stangel?
I don't know, baby, do we
really need a specialist?
Well, what's your
plan, Marshall,
just have unprotected sex
day after day after day
in every position
imaginable
until...?
Wait, it sounded
worse in my head.
Guys, we've got a problem.
This is
the application
for the regional doubles
laser tag tournament
in Poughkeepsie.
Problem is, only one of you
can be my partner.
So it looks like we've got
a bake-off.
You may now present
your arguments.
I'm not playing laser tag.
I'm absolutely
not playing laser tag.
Damn it.
And Marshall's
the winner.
Well, I'm gonna
call Dr. Stangel.
It can't hurt.
<i>NARRATOR:
So Aunt Lily went to see
Dr. John Stangel, the man
<i>who knew more
about human reproduction
<i>than anyone in New York City.
So I understand
you want to get pregnant.
Transcript by Addic7ed.com
Yeah, and it cuts in and out.
Ooh!
How did you do it?
Oh, God, you found
one of the cameras.
I swear that's the only one.
Wait, which one did you find?
What are you talking about?
<i>What are you talking about?
My visit
to a certain Dr. Stangel.
We'll look at all the factors
that contribute
to fertility:
dietary, environmental, genetic.
But first, Ms. Aldrin,
do you have
any questions
for me?
Just one, "Dr. Stangel."
Where'd you get the beard?
Well, m-my mother's Armenian.
Lily, I've been
with Barney since 9:00 a.m.
Between the sexual harassment
seminar all morning
and the secretary
beauty pageant all afternoon,
he hasn't left
my sight.
Wait, so you weren't wearing
a fake beard
and examining girl parts
all day?
Not today I wasn't.
Wow, we finally found
Barney's doppelg nger.
I guess we can
tell you now, Lily.
That hot dog guy did
not look like Barney.
Uh, Marshall?
Yes, I know, we made
our little deal
with the universe,
but...
No, we've made a binding
covenant with the universe.
We said we weren't going
to try to have kids
until we saw
Barney's doppelg nger.
Oh, this is
bad news.
This is like a black cat
walked through my uterus.
Okay, that's it.
I am going back to Dr. Stangel
and getting
thoroughly checked out.
Or--
or cost-saving alternative:
you could get checked out by
someone who looks just like him.
I'm gonna go scrub up;
I'll meet you in stall three.
<i>LILY:
I still
kind of think
it's Barney.
There's no way
it's Barney.
Hello, you must be Mr. Eriksen.
I am Dr. Stangel.
It's Barney.
Wow.
Really, dude, bravo.
You almost got a peek.
But seriously,
what second-rate community
theater did you get...?
Would you...?
I...
So my wife and I are
trying to get pregnant.
All right, Ms. Aldrin,
please just put
your feet up in the stirrups.
We can begin.
Uh-uh, no.
Can't do it.
No, but, baby,
I yanked on
his beard.
He checks out.
I really don't have
time for this.
No, Barney--
Doctor, wait,
please, it's...
Can you just give us
a couple minutes?
I... (groans)
Lily,
how can I convince you
that this is not Barney?
Wow, it is
like looking
into a poorly
dressed mirror.
Okay, you
have to go.
Leave the model
of the vagina.
Okay.
Convinced.
Great. All right,
you're a little low
on the table. Please scoot up.
"Suit up"--
not convinced.
This whole thing stinks
to high heaven.
Baby, you just
saw Barney.
He could have pulled
some crazy switch.
Remember when his
Swedish cousin came to visit?
Oh, yeah-- Bjorney.
Yeah, I'm sorry, but unless
I see Barney at the same time,
I-I'll never be sure
that Dr. Stangel isn't him.
How you doing, Lily?!
Should I have
a boner?!
Okay, we're all done.
I'll call you in a few days
with the results.
Thank you.
Hey, you don't mind
if I take pictures, do you?!
Can we leave him
in here for a while?
I'm done for the day.
You can leave him
in here all night.
Aw, yeah.
Smile for the
birdie, Lil!
(laughs)
(à la Jimmie Walker):
Gyno-mite!
<i>NARRATOR:
Now, while all this
was going on,
<i>your Aunt Robin was starting
her new job at World Wide News,
<i>aka the big leagues.
<i>She was excited.
<i>This job was a new start,
<i>a clean slate.
(sighs)
So, first day of work?
(blows raspberry)
Everyone, say hello to
your new research associate
Robin Scherbatsky.
Hi, guys.
Welcome.
<i>Oh, here comes our
new Hardfire host.
Robin, this is
Sandy Rivers.
Sandy Rivers?!
<i>NARRATOR:
Sandy Rivers--
<i>Robin's old cohost
and my old nemesis.
We should have sex.
Oh, I hate that guy.
It gets worse.
Sandy, this is...
Robin.
You two know each other?
Know each other?
We've had sex.
<i>TED:
You had sex
with Sandy Rivers?
No! Ugh!
And I can't believe
it's my first day,
and already I'm the girl who
slept with the host of the show.
Already?
Were you planning on eventually
sleeping with the host?
Well, now that I know
it's Sandy, I'm not.
(groans)
Hey, babe.
Hi, honey.
There's a couple messages
on the machine.
Your dad called.
He wants to know
if you have any sixes.
Yeah, uh, we got a game of
"Go Fish" going on the phone.
P.S., Pops, go fish.
(chuckles)
Who's the second
message from?
Dr. Stangel's office.
I'm extremely fertile.
You're extremely fertile!
Oh, my God.
I told you there was
nothing to worry about.
I got to call my dad and
tell him the good news.
ANNOUNCER: ...puts the ball
on the 44-yard-line.
If you're fertile, um, then
that means I'm the problem.
Okay, now you're being
ridiculous.
An hour ago,
you didn't even think
there was a problem.
Well, I was just putting
on a brave face.
Okay, think about it:
we've had unprotected sex
203 times in the
past four months.
Obviously I'm
the problem.
Problem?!
You can't get a
girl pregnant.
That's the dream.
I'd give
my firstborn
to not be able
to have children.
So, second day
of work?
(blows raspberry)
What's wrong?
Oh, you didn't hear?
She's the office slut.
Already?
Oh, honey.
I wish I was the office slut.
And we can explore how those
policy changes will affect Iraq.
Yes.
We definitely had sex.
We did not
have sex.
Then why do I remember you?
I don't know, maybe because I'm
a smart, talented, professional.
No, none of those.
Oh, I remember.
We didn't have sex.
Thank you.
You're the girl
who did the report
on the carriage driver
and slipped and fell
in horse poop...
We did have sex.
Oh, I-I remember now.
Gregory,
do me a favor.
But this reporter
takes pride in-- whoa!
(all guffawing)
And now everyone calls me
Scherpoopie.
(guffawing)
It's not funny.
Robin,
a word of advice:
play along.
Okay, the more you fight it,
the worse it's going to get.
It's like when your car
slides on ice,
you steer
into the skid.
MARSHALL:
Mm-hmm.
BARNEY:
Exactly!
Or when your--
I don't know--
friend invites you to
a laser tag tournament,
you don't fight it.
You just strap on
the vinyl holster
and race into that
abandoned JCPenney
guns a-blazin'.
I'm just agreeing
with Ted.
(phone rings)
Oh, it's my dad.
(line ringing)
Aren't you going
to get it?
No, no, you know what?
Um, I'm gonna get my
stuff checked out first.
I'll call my dad
after Dr. Stangel
gives me the thumbs up.
Ew!
He has to do that?
But I thought you talk
to your dad about everything.
I only like to call
my dad with good news.
I mean, telling
him good news
is what makes it
feel real to me.
I'm getting married!
Yeah...!
I passed the bar!
All right!
I found
an amazing Viking lamp
that fits
right on the coffee table,
as long as we don't mind
stepping over the cord.
That's what I'm
talking about!
Right?!
I found someone
who can fix the Viking lamp!
(shouts)
But the news that
I might not be able
to give him
a grandchild?
You know, like,
I don't even know
how to have that
conversation.
I'll show you.
"Dad, there's, uh, there's
something I need to tell you,
"and it's going to come
as a bit of a shock to you,
"but here goes.
"You are speaking
to the 2011 Tri-County
Laser Tag Co-Champion."
Barney, I've
already told...
"Oh, and my sperm don't work.
"Yeah, yeah,
<i>the laser tag
thing is awesome."
So, third day of work?
(blows raspberry)
And the fertilizer is seeping
into the ground water,
causing...
Is Scherpoopie pitching
a story about manure?
(laughter)
Genius.
Okay, yes, I, uh,
I fell into some manure.
It's hilarious, fine.
In a five-year career
of on-air reports,
there are bound to be
a few embarrassing moments.
A few?
Uh, but in my case,
it was just the one,
and you found it, so, uh...
Just the one.
Gregory.
Oh, God.
What did they find?
(Robin sighs,
"Let's Go to the Mall" fades in)
Everything.
? Everybody, come and play ?
I'm a dirty, dirty girl.
? Throw every last care away ?
(retching)
? Let's go to the mall today ?
? Today, today ?
The Federal Reserve Board voted
to leave interest...
? Let's go to the mall ?
? Today ?
? Let's go to the ma-a-all ?
Aah.
? Let's got to the mall today ?
? Let's go to the ma-a-all
? Today ?
? Let's go to the mall ?
? Today ?
? Let's go to the ma-a-all ?
? Today... ?
? Let's go to the mall... ?
They even found the video of me
getting attacked by an owl.
You got attacked by an owl?
I did not
get attacked by an owl.
Robin, listen,
here's what you need to do--
Okay, don't you dare tell me
to steer into the skid, okay?
It's too late. I'm already
wrapped around a hydro pole.
It's a Canadian telephone pole.
I never should have
taken this job.
<i>Kids, at that moment,
I knew what I had to do
<i>for my friend Robin.
<i>But first I had
to do something for me.
Show me "owl attack."
I am freaking out.
Is there a chance
that I can't have kids?
I've been hit
in the nuts a lot.
Well, we won't know anything
until we run some tests.
We'll need a sample
of your sperm.
No, no, no.
There's a room
at the end of the hall.
If you find yourself
inside the elevator,
you've gone too far.
You'd think
I wouldn't have to say that,
but you'd be surprised.
All yours, buddy.
The thing you're
about to do in here--
I did that in here, too.
(whispering):
Three minutes ago.
I was here
eight minutes ago.
14 minutes ago.
I'm here every Thursday.
(screaming)
I can't do it, Doc.
Is there, like,
another option?
Could I...
Could I take this home?
Sure, you could, but, uh...
we close in an hour
and I'm not back till Tuesday.
So, clock is ticking.
Make it fast.
Only way I know how, Doc.
Only way I know how.
Surprise!
Surprise!
Mom. Dad. Uh...
What are you doing here?
We hadn't heard from
you in a couple days.
We were worried
about you.
For God's sake, son.
Do you have any sixes?
Go fish.
(chuckling)
Excuse me. Hey, Lily,
can I just talk to you
in here for a minute?
Oh, yeah.
Isn't it great?
They just showed up.
Your mom's already
rearranged my kitchen,
organized my closet...
and she asked me
if I lost height.
Not weight. Height.
Yeah, I'm very excited
that they're here, too.
But right now, I have to get
excited about something else.
Oh, okay. Well, I'll go
handle your parents.
And you handle your, well...
Wait, wait, wait.
Marshall.
Thank you, baby.
You're the best.
JUDY:
Marshall. Marshall.
I just got my new bathing suit
for the beach this summer.
It's a two-piece.
I mean, can you imagine?
Me in a two-piece
bathing suit at my age?
Just picture it!
Picture it!
That's why Fred Cox
is the greatest kicker
the Vikings ever had.
Seriously, Marshall,
picture it.
Just picture it.
Give me a "C."
Give me an "O."
Give me an "X."
What's that spell?
Cox! Cox!
Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox!
Uh...
Okay, I did
a bad thing last night.
I looked up his address.
Who?
(laughing)
Sorry. You said "who."
It reminded me
of the owl footage.
Genius.
No.
Sandy.
How dare he laugh at you.
Who does he think...
(laughing)
Sorry. "Who."
Anyway.
I looked up his address
in your contact list.
Oh, God. Tell me
you didn't go over there.
I just thought he needed
to listen to common sense
and reasonable discourse.
Oh, God. Tell me those aren't
the names of your fists.
They're my feet.
I'm actually more of a kicker.
So I went to his apartment.
(grunts, makes whooshing
sounds along with gestures)
(grunts in pain):
Ah...
You're not the pizza guy.
Oh, my God.
This is...
This is how you make sure Sandy
never makes fun of you again.
I told you to steer into
the skid. That was bad advice.
So new advice.
Steer into Sandy,
and run him down.
If people found out
Sandy wears a toupee...
Really? That's your take-away?
Nothing on the bear in the bra?
Oh, no.
He's very open about that.
That's Gregory.
Nice guy.
And the top is so low-cut.
Your father
says he has
front-row seats
to the Minnesota Twins.
Oh. Oh.
By the way, Marshall,
we do need to know if you're
coming to Florida this summer.
Are you coming?
Marshall?
Marshall,
are you coming?
This isn't working.
Where you going, son?
I'm-I'm going to...
I'm-I'm going to...
<i>Kids, to this day,
your uncle Marshall is thankful
<i>for what Lily said next.
He's going to masturbate.
Lily!
Marshall, just tell them
what's going on.
<i>And so Marshall told
his parents everything.
And so, now, I'm just scared
that we won't be able
to give you a grandchild.
Aw, Marshall.
Hey, we don't care
about that one bit.
And if you guys
want kids,
there are other ways.
Adoption.
Maybe you have a good friend
who could loan you some sperm?
Aw, yeah.
(makes whooshing sounds
with each kick)
Maybe adoption.
What I'm saying is,
we love you no
matter what.
Now, why don't you pretend
you're in high school,
get back in that bathroom,
and "blow dry your hair."
Wait, you knew?
We didn't have
a hair dryer, dear.
So?
Possibly last day of work?
Actually, it was a good day.
And I need more numbers
on how the holiday season
impacted the economy.
Sparkles, got anything on malls?
(all laughing)
Actually, Sandy,
I have something I think
you're all gonna want to see.
Yes! Put him in a body bag!
Hoo! Hoo! Hyah!
Okay, I didn't do it.
What?
I didn't want
to just viciously attack someone
out of the blue
like some kind of...
Owl?
Exactly.
So, instead
of taking your advice,
I took your advice.
<i>That day, Robin decided
to steer into the skid.
<i>And though she never quite
shook the nickname,
<i>Sparkles went on to do very
well at World Wide News.
<i>Especially after this happened.
(man gasps, all laughing)
<i>After his parents
had gone back to Minnesota,
<i>Marshall got
the results of his test.
I'm afraid I have
some very bad news, Marshall.
Judging from the results
of your test, it is...
it is very unlikely that you'll
be able to father a child.
Oh, God.
I know, I know.
It's just...
Now...
in some rare cases,
a regimen change
can fix the problem,
so I'm recommending
a spirited cardio routine.
Preferably
with a partner,
involving any
light-based firearm activity
in the Tri-State area.
Poughkeepsie, for example.
Have you heard
of the gentlemen's sport
known as laser tag?
Surprise!
Damn it, Barney!
What are you doing in here?
Think about it, Marshall.
All entrants get 20% off
at the snack bar!
Oh, BT-dub,
the receptionist.
What's her situation?
Go!
(sighs)
Well, Marshall.
I've got your results.
And?
Your sperm is fine.
My sperm is fine!
(all cheering)
Count, motility...
everything's
off the charts.
You, sir, have got
some strong swimmers.
Bro, that is awesome.
Motility five!
MARSHALL: Whoa!
ROBIN:
Nice.
Hey, um, can I
borrow your phone?
I want to call my dad.
Yeah, go ahead.
Man, this is great.
I was expecting bad news.
I really was.
(phone ringing)
You're here! Oh, my God!
I love you so much!
Can you believe it?
Marshall...
Something's happened. Um...
Your father,
he had a heart attack.
He... He didn't make it.
(sobbing)
My dad's dead?
(sniffling)
I'm not ready for this.
No comments:
Post a Comment