Kids, I bought the
house we live in now way back
before I ever met your mother.
<i>It needed a lot of work
but I had a vision for it.
Vintage rolltop desk here.
I haven't decided
whether to put the fern
on the right or the left side,
but you know, sometimes
you just gotta wing it. Right?
Left side.
Oh, and right outside,
I want to put up a
basketball hoop for the kids.
Huh?
Ted.
This is your seduction lounge.
Sex swing there,
vibrating Jell-O pit
right there,
rotating Vietnamese Shame Wheel
right here.
Don't ask; you're not ready.
And that basketball hoop?
Outdoor stripper pole.
We'll just tell the ladies
to be careful in the winter.
<i>You think a tongue stuck
to a frozen pole is bad...
Hey. Barney, let's go
outside for a second.
We have a confession.
This wasn't really about
seeing Ted's house.
It's an intervention.
Oh, thank God.
I'll go first.
Ted, this house you bought
for your hypothetical family
is super weird.
We talk about it all the time
behind your back.
Yeah. This intervention
isn't for me.
It's for you.
<i>Why did Barney need
an intervention?
<i>It all started
a few nights earlier.
Barney, I can't believe
your giant TV is broken.
It's March Madness.
Okay, uh, I think I see
what the problem is.
Barney, can you grab me
a screwdriver?
Sure thing.
Luis. Barney Stinson, 12 H.
I got a hundred bucks if you can
be here in five. Thanks.
You call the super
for a screwdriver?
Yeah... here's the thing
about me and tools--
the only one I know how to use
is attached to me,
and I am not going to try
putting it in the TV.
Again.
Okay, that's ridiculous.
Everyone should know
how to use tools.
Well, here's our
screwdriver now.
Guys, I'm
pretty sure that's not Luis,
but I can't be certain.
Someone introduce yourself.
Barney, I...
I got your letter.
Dad?
<font color=#ffff00>? How I Met Your Mother 6x19 ?</font>
<font color=#00ffff>Legendaddy</font>
Original Air Date on March 21, 2011
-- sync, corrected by <font color="#00ff00">elderman</font> --
I can't believe Barney is
talking to his dad right now.
Yeah, what do you say
after three decades
of not seeing each other?
"So, how 'bout those
last 30 Super Bowls"?
Okay, now I feel bad
about making fun of him
for the tool thing.
My dad was the one
who taught me all that stuff.
Well, to be fair, everyone has
some glaring gap in knowledge,
something really obvious
you somehow never learned.
Okay, but a screwdriver?
Come on, I don't have any gaps
that fundamental.
Really? I seem to recall...
Daniel Burnham was an architect
whose ever-shifting style
and aesthetic
made him a true architectural
chamma-leeon.
And only the most
gifted chamma-leeon
could've designed
classic beaux arts masterpieces
right alongside
sleek modern flatirons.
His name might as well have been
Daniel Chamma-leeon.
Um, Professor?
Uh, do you mean
"chameleon"?
Betty, I'm pretty sure it's
pronounced "chamma-leeon," so...
Class dismissed.
No homework. For a while.
Okay, I learned that word
by reading it.
That's how I've always
pronounced it.
Oh, Ted, that wasn't easy.
It took a lot of "ch-aracter"
to admit that.
Okay, Scherbatsky.
You want to tussle?
I'll tussle.
You want to tussle?
Let's tussle.
Marine biologist.
Please, no.
So this really
sucks, but
I'm going to be in the North
Pole for the next three months.
Seriously?
The North Pole?
Okay, pal, if you want
to break up with me,
just tell it to me straight.
Don't pretend you're going
someplace we all know
doesn't exist.
Um, I'm going to be studying
the mating habits of...
Of who? Santa's elves?
Rudolph?
You know what? I'm going
on a trip, too, Scott.
It, uh, starts in Narnia.
It works its way up
to Candyland,
and then, hey,
congratulate me,
because I'm the new Defense
Against the Dark Arts teacher
at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus!
Robin, the North Pole
is a real place.
You know that, right?
So... you want
to get pizza later? Or...
I think we should break up.
I still think about him
in the shower.
Hey. Tell us everything.
How'd it go, bud?
Where do I begin?
So, I'm not sure how to start this.
Yeah.
I think I need a drink.
Me, too.
Glen McKenna, neat.
Nice order. Up top.
Look, it's been 30 years.
And now you just
show up out of nowhere?
This is... this is going
to take me a minute.
Yeah. I understand.
By the way, hell of a tie.
Is that Italian silk?
I love you, Daddy. I'm so glad
we're best friends now.
Make a muscle.
There you go.
Ah!
Guys, my dad's awesome.
He's the mother of all fathers.
Check this out.
Hey, back when I was a kid,
you used to be a roadie.
Do you still do that?
Not anymore.
Back in '83 I'm lugging amps for
The Stones through West Germany,
and their tour manager
loses his arms,
bus-surfing through a tunnel.
Gnarly.
Long story short,
I've been managing tours
ever since,
and that dude high-fives people
with his face now.
You're funny.
My dad's funny.
So, all these years,
there's this one question
I've been dying to ask him.
Why did you abandon me?
Why'd you wait so long to contact me?
You've hurt me before,
why should I trust you now?
Do you...
get laid a lot?
Big-time.
Observe.
Oh, my God,
that took you five seconds.
Oh, was it that long?
Life's too short
for chatty chicks.
You're a master.
You are legen-- wait for it--
...daddy!
Legendaddy!
The man is a god.
And he's still out there,
living the dream.
So I'm going to Sydney tomorrow
with Bon Jovi.
I'll be on the road
the rest of the year.
Oh, that's cool.
Say, you want to join me
for the tour's Asian leg?
This is going to be
the second-most fun
I've ever had on an Asian leg.
Barney, we-we know
you're psyched,
but just...
be careful.
What do you mean?
Well, this guy has flaked
out on your whole life.
It sounds like
he just might be
telling you what
you want to hear.
Barney, we just don't
want to see you get hurt.
First of all, Robin,
my dad could beat up your dad.
Second,
you don't have to worry.
He's cool.
Now if you'll excuse me...
I have to go renew my passport,
and get a travel-sized rotating
Vietnamese Shame Wheel.
Don't ask; you're not ready.
I hope Barney's dad
isn't just
pretending to be something
he's not, you know?
Yeah. That would make Jerry
a real chamma-leeon.
You have gaps, too, Lily.
You got nothing on me.
Hey, Lily, can you
toss me a beer?
Sure, honey.
You have terrible aim.
That's not true.
Lily, at our apartment,
you're the one who
pees on the floor.
Oh, my God. Barney's dad.
Hey, uh, you're
Barney's friends, right?
Yeah, but... aren't you
supposed to be off
managing some tour
in Australia?
What?
No, I-I'm a driving instructor
up in White Plains.
And I need your help--
Barney won't return my calls.
What do you mean, Barney
won't return your calls?
He said you two had
an amazing night together.
That's not what happened.
I'm not sure how
to start this.
Yeah.
I think I need a drink.
Me, too.
Glen McKenna, neat.
Milk, skim.
Milk?
Oh, you're taking it easy.
Crazy night?
I'll say.
Between you and me,
I had a lot of acid last night.
Wow.
I think it was the chili dog.
I had to take four Tums.
I was up till, like, 9:30.
Hey, um...
When I was a kid,
you used to be a roadie.
You still do that?
No. I switched lanes years ago.
I should explain.
I'm a driving instructor.
Now you get it, right?
Yeah, no, I get it.
Um, but when I was a kid,
you... you were
this total badass.
Oh, I know.
I was a real hard partier.
Yeah, okay, now we're getting
to the good stuff.
The drugs, the alcohol,
the women...
<i>Yes, yes, yes.
I was out of control.
? Out of control. ?
So when your mom said
I couldn't see you any more,
it was rock bottom for me.
I'm so sorry.
You ever bang Stevie Nicks?
Barney wasn't interested
in my apology.
He just wanted me to be cool.
And I was so desperate
to connect with him,
I did something
I'm not proud of.
<i>I started bragging.
I bet you didn't know
this about me, Barney,
but I've published
two nonfiction books
about asparagus.
And one fiction.
I'm credited with inventing
the word "furgling."
It means fumbling for keys.
So then all the county fair
judges started chanting,
"More quiche! More quiche!"
I guess you could call me
the LeBron James of drapes.
I could tell he just wanted me
to be this big ladies' man,
so...
What a hottie, huh?
I'm sure you're a real player.
Big-time.
Observe.
Excuse me, that's my son
over there.
I'm trying to reconnect
with him after 30 years.
Would you just write down
any seven numbers here,
so that I can impress him?
Please, I'm desperate.
Oh, my God,
you're a natural.
Think of the pickup plays
we can run as a father-son duo.
There's the
"Father Knows Breast,"
there's the
"Bush Dynasty,"
the "Lick Father, Lick Son."
Oh, no, no.
I couldn't do that.
Why?
I have a family now.
That's my wife
Cheryl, my daughter Carly--
she's in college.
This is my son J.J.
I was hoping you could come over
to dinner sometime
and meet them.
You're all wearing
matching sweaters.
That's cute.
Look, I got
to get going, Jerry.
But, uh, this was great.
Glad we did this.
I made him wait
all these years for me and...
I'm just not the guy
he wanted me to be.
I know I don't
deserve it, but...
I need another chance
to connect with my son.
We think you should
give him another chance.
That's the real reason
we're out here.
He lives ten minutes away.
What?
You're having dinner
with him tonight.
No, I most certainly am not.
Look, I met him.
He's not my kind of bro
and that's that.
Are you sure it's
not more than that?
Guys, get it through your heads.
I am never gonna
talk to my dad again.
No, Barney.
I'm never gonna talk
to my dad again.
But your dad is alive
and he lives just down the road.
Fine, I'll go.
Awesome.
Um, Lily, keys.
I'm literally
11 inches from you.
<i>And so Barney agreed to give
his dad one more chance.
Hello. You must be Barney.
I'm Cheryl.
It's just so nice
to finally meet you.
I love that suit.
Oh, thank you very much.
And I love your...
...coat.
I love your coat.
Oh, that's your coat, Barney.
I just took it from you.
Well, I do love it.
It's doing a nice job
covering up that chair.
Guess now we wait.
Hey, I got an idea
how to pass the time.
A little trivia game.
Robin, reindeer: real or fake?
Okay, I'm not an idiot.
Reindeer are obviously
f... re... fake?
Yikes!
I'm surrounded
by a bunch of dum-dums.
Good thing I don't have any gaps
in my knowledge.
I am perfect.
Oh, for the love of God, guys,
enough already.
What, baby?
You've been treating me
with kid gloves
ever since my dad died.
That's not true.
Robin, don't disagree
with Marshall.
I'm sorry.
I first noticed it at the bar.
Hey, Lily,
can you get me a mojito?
<i>Normally, you would've
given me crap
<i>for an hour about a voice crack
that pubescently girl-like,
<i>but nothing.
<i>So then I started
to test you guys.
<i>The Phantom Menace is by far
the best Star Wars movie.
It ages well,
that's the thing.
You guys like my new soul patch?
Righteous hair
tab, brotha.
<i>And once I figured it out,
<i>I started doing crazy stuff
to see how far you'd let me go.
Hey, guys.
This is Rex.
He's a possum.
I found him in the trash.
He lives with us now.
I love him.
Lily, we are living
with a possum.
Rex is violent and he hates us.
But, baby,
you just lost your dad.
None of us wants to upset you.
Please.
If you guys really want me
to get over the worst tragedy
of my life,
I'm begging you,
tear me a new one.
But not like Rex tried to
in my sleep last night.
J.J., dinner.
When I got your letter,
I dug this up.
You were probably
too young to remember,
but this is you, this is me,
and, of course, ZZ Top.
I do remember that.
I climbed up on that
dude's lap and told him
what I wanted for Christmas.
Yeah, I used to love
taking you backstage.
You were the coolest
little kid.
Hi, Barney.
It's great to finally meet you.
J.J., I'm talking
to Dad right now. God.
Seriously,
it's time.
What are my gaps?
Well, I guess maybe
one gap you have is...
you can't wink.
Don't you think that
maybe we should go home
and, uh, "do the laundry"?
<i>You can't swallow pills.
<i>Ooh, ooh, I got one.
You think John Kennedy and Jack
Kennedy are the same person.
Right?
What?
So, Barney, I understand
you have a pretty big job
with a bank.
Yeah, I do.
<i>I make a ton of money.
How much do you make, J.J.?
I'm 11.
Oh, well, huh, now we all know
you make excuses.
I was talking about money.
Actually, J.J.
has a job.
Tell him, J.J.
I got a paper route.
Good time to get into
print media.
Am I right, Dad?
Good slam, Barney.
Jerry.
It's all good fun.
Just ribbing among
long lost brothers.
J.J.'s a heck of
a basketball player.
Uh, you don't strike me
as the athletic type, Jayj.
Dad, check it.
Triceps.
What gym do you go to?
Fourth period?
Sounds like you're having
your fourth period.
Am I right, Dad?!
Got him again.
Jerry!
Oh, okay, Barney.
Uh, maybe that's enough.
Why? J.J. started it.
What does J.J.
even stand for anyway?
J-Jerky... Jerkface?
J.J. stands for Jerome Jr.
Jerome Jr...?
Oh.
He's-He's named after you.
Excuse me.
I like having
a brother.
You always add too
much water to oatmeal.
Yes, I drown the son of a bitch.
You consistently miss
at least one belt loop.
It's like I'm blind.
You're too old to ask
to see the cockpit.
Whoa. Whoa.
Guys, my dad
just died.
Aw, honey.
No, I'm just kidding.
This is great.
I really, I really missed this.
Barney, what
is going on?
This is mine.
I don't understand.
J.J. gets a childhood, a dad,
<i>a real family
and a basketball hoop?
No, no. I at least get the hoop.
I'm taking it with me.
Please, just come down
and talk to me.
Why? Why should I?
You're lame, okay?
You're just some lame
suburban dad.
Why does that make you so mad?
Because if you were gonna be
some lame suburban dad,
why couldn't you have
been that for me?!
Look, Barney,
I know I screwed up...
Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even
begin to describe...
I know, I know, I know!
I want to fix this,
and I don't know how!
Please, tell me what I can do!
I'll do anything!
You're never gonna
get it down like that.
Barney. Barney!
Just put the pointy end
into the grooves.
That's it. Now turn it.
Righty tighty,
lefty loosey.
I have no good excuse, Barney.
It took me years
before I was even able
to look myself in the mirror
for the way I let you down.
It took courage
to send me that letter.
More courage than I've ever had.
I owe you a lifetime
of apologies, and I...
I just have no idea
where to begin.
Can you help me with this?
Here, got it.
Look, if you...
ever feel like you're ready,
I'd love nothing more than
to be a part of your life.
Bye.
Are you sure you don't
want to talk about it?
I'm fine.
Hey, Ted.
Yeah, buddy?
You, uh, still want
a basketball hoop out there?
Oh, well, I also really liked
your outdoor stripper pole idea.
Yeah, it's fine.
No, you were right.
A kid needs a hoop.
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