Barney, afraid this
is good-bye.
Your buzz kill of a ma
thinks I'm a... a bad
influence on you.
What That's...
What is that word you taught me
Bull something
But she's your
mother and I'm...
you know, I'm just
your Uncle Jerry.
So, this is the last
time I can see you.
But you're supposed to
take me to see
that Zeppelin cover band
next week.
The night is gonna be...
Led-and-Jerry.
Sorry, buddy, but this is it.
But don't you forget
your training.
What's a magician's best friend
A drunk audience.
(laughs)
Attaboy.
You still got that button
from the festival we went to
Now... I'm gonna put this
right inside your brain,
behind your ear...
so that I'll know that
you won't forget me.
See you, buddy.
And hey...
Never... stop... partying.
iNARRATOR Kids, in 1983,
Barney watched his father
iwalk out of his life.
iAnd in 2011, when their
first reunion ended badly...
I'd love nothing more
than to be a part of your life.
iNARRATOR This time it was Barney
who did the walking.
Bye.
iNARRATOR And that was almost
the end of it.
iExcept, a few weeks later...
I am so angry at my dad!
Guess who called me today.
Go on, guess.
Mmm.
- Your dad
- My dad!
Barney Stinson.
Hi, Barney. It's your dad.
Look, would you
like to go fishing
with me and J.J.
on Sunday morning
Ooh, hold on, let me
check my personality.
Oh, no. Turns out I would never
do that in a million years.
Barney, look...
I know you're disappointed
that your dad is just...
a boring old driving instructor
from the suburbs.
But that guy I used to be...
Crazy Jerry
He was bad news!
Drinking, partying,
sleeping around.
The party can't go on forever.
You're 35; I'm-I'm sure
you're starting
to realize that, right
You do not know
how right you are.
Zero right!
- We're not getting too old for anything.
- TED You sure
I feel like we collectively
learn the opposite lesson,
like, at least once a year.
(chuckling)
I have to face an ugly truth.
Jerry Whittaker, my own father,
is anti-awesome-etic.
I know.
Crazy Jerry's still
in there somewhere,
but he's trapped under 20 years
of lawnmower parties
- and carpool barbecues.
- ROBIN Wow,
you know nothing
about the suburbs.
Well, this Saturday night,
I am bustin' him out.
I'm gonna
make Jerry realize he was wrong
about giving up his old life
by showing him
the awesomest night
of all time.
And for the awesomest night
of all time, I'm going to need
the awesomest friends
of all time.
Okay, who do I know
Guys...!
Do any of you know
George Clooney
Okay, my dad's almost here.
I need everything to be
as awesome as possible tonight.
That's why you
brought these guys.
iNo. That's why
I brought these guys.
I've made some
minor improvements
to your identities.
- Uh.
- Mm!
You'll find them
on these cards.
- Improvements!
- BARNEY Yeah.
Bro, we are already the four
jiggity-jamminest dudes
and dudettes this side of...
Okay, let's see the cards.
Robin, no one watches the news
unless it's a car chase
or a nip slip.
You are now
a professional scotch taster.
Mm!
Lily, Jerry needs to learn
that other lifestyles
are just as fulfilling
as monogamy,
so now you and Marshall
are in an open marriage.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Gross!
Also, Marshall,
you can't just be unemployed,
so you are now
a gin-swilling,
womanizing playwright.
And, Ted, just be yourself.
(chuckles)
Just kidding.
Here's a giant pile of topics
you should avoid talking about.
Well. Well, this could
actually be fun.
In fact, I believe it
was Oscar Wilde who said,
Man is least himself
when he talks...
- Ted, card.
- Ah.
You're right...
No quoting Oscar Wilde.
Finally...
Robin, you're dating Ted.
Aw, man!
Why
BARNEY
I can't have
any single female friends
lying around.
My dad'll be all,
Why don't you marry Robin
You guys are cute together.
Deep down, you know
you were never happier
than when you were with her.
Uh...
(chuckles)
no, thanks.
Hey, Barney... love
the new identities.
Little thing... instead of
being a naked super ninja,
ican I be Meryl Streep
in The Devil Wears Prada
- How good was that movie
- Oh, my God.
(others talking at once)
And...
hence new identities.
iNARRATOR And so Barney's
dad finally showed up.
Jerry, you remember Marshall...
he's a well-known writer.
Playwright.
We're all writers,
just some of us don't know
what our story is yet.
Lily, his wife.
Well, most nights.
Mama don't let no ring
get in the way of a good time.
That's... a little depressing.
TED
Uh, hi again.
Ted. Oh, and, Jerry,
- you remember my girlfriend.
- Robin. Hi.
So nice to see you again.
Wait, wait. Jerry,
I got to tell you the truth.
Guys, I'm gonna tell him.
We're also a band.
iROBIN
Two, three, four!
Ba, ba, ba, ba
Ba, ba, ba
Ba, ba, ba, da,
da, da, da, da, da!
Ow! Yeah!
So, Saturday night...
time to cut loose, right
Who wants to split a beer
BARNEY
Oh, we're not drinking here.
Tonight we're going big.
Let's see, what club
should we hit first
There's Club Was,
there's Wrong...
Um, those places shut down
a long time ago.
Oh, no.
Oh, No shut down, too.
- There's Where
- Where's Where
Where's where Was
was, isn't it
No, Was wasn't where Where was,
Was was where Wrong was, right
Okay. Not Okay.
That place is lame.
Okay is Lame
I thought Lame was a gay bar.
Or is that Wrong
That's wrong.
That's not Wrong.
Guys, focus.
Oh, I like Focus.
Let's go there.
Where
Not Where. Focus.
I thought Focus was closed.
No, Was was Closed.
Once Was shut down,
it reopened as Closed.
So Closed is open.
No, Closed is closed.
I don't know.
Third base! Right
Ew, Third Base
is all frat guys.
I'll go anyplace, okay
Not Okay. Okay is lame.
Okay is not Lame.
Lame is a gay bar.
Guys, shut up.
No, Shut up shut down.
I can't believe I don't know
the clubs anymore.
Guys, just pick a club, okay
Not Okay!
OTHERS
Okay is Lame!
Gay bar.
For the record, I was
in there once by accident.
I'm pretty sure it's
pronounced Lamé.
It's hopeless, isn't it
i(dance music playing)
MARSHALL Wow.
A lot of these girls
are young enough
- to be our daughters.
- I know.
Daddy's home.
And Granddaddy's home!
Tonight rocks so hard!
I might be allergic
to this stamp.
Oh, my God,
my secret crush is here.
Mila Kunis!
iNo, my secret crush.
We met a few years ago.
Hi. I could use
a woman's opinion.
Is this working for me
Uh... no.
(laughs)
The only good thing
about how ugly that shirt is,
is that it distracts
from how terribly it fits you.
I was trying on the pants.
Oh. (Laughs)
I had to leave before we could
finish talking, so that was it.
You know, ever
since then, I've always...
Oh, my God,
he's coming over here.
Oh. Hello.
- Hi. A few years ago at
a department store... - Hi.
...did you embarrass
the hell out of me
Oh, I'm sorry,
you must have me confused
with the shirt
you were wearing that day.
I should be so lucky.
Hi! I'm Ted!
Robin's boyfriend!
Nice to meet you.
Right.
Um... it was really nice
to see you again.
- Mm-hmm. You, too.
- Yeah.
(pats Robin twice)
(whispers)
You owe me one.
Man, isn't this place great
Uh, I don't know.
It's so loud!
And so bourgeois.
Many of plays are
about the bourgeois.
And ennui.
And one rock opera about...
a frozen yogurt shop.
Uh, L-Lily, uh, talk
about your open marriage.
Okay. Well, after a long day
of style meetings
and photo shoots
and being way too mean
to my assistant,
I sometimes bang
an underwear model.
My goodness!
I sleep around, too.
Just as much.
A little more, even.
Oh, uh, only 'cause you
have nothing to do all day.
Are we having this fight again
Writing plays is a real job!
I work 90 hours a week
subsidizing your real job.
I won a Tony!
I brought French cooking
to America!
What
- Let's do shots.
- Uh, no, thank you, Barney.
I have that fishing
trip with J.J. early tomorrow.
- I... I better take it easy.
- No.
Don't you remember what you said
to me when I was a kid
Never stop partying.
iI said that
To a six-year-old
I don't remember that.
You don't remember
the last thing
you said to me when I was a kid
Well...
you know, why don't you
just go back home
But I want to hang out with you.
Yeah, well, I want to hang out
with Crazy Jerry,
not Stay-at-Home Jerome.
Fine.
You want Crazy Jerry
There! You got him!
I apologize... it might take
a few minutes to kick in.
Oh...
Oh...
(others talking at once)
Hey, sugar!
Five beers for the table,
a Seven-and-Seven for me,
and your ten digits
for this guy here!
Tonight Crazy Jerry's
gonna burn this disco down!
JERRY
Whoo! Wa-hah!
Can you believe it
- This is awesome!
- Barney,
ihow is that awesome
I finally know what it's like
to be embarrassed by my dad.
So you really believe
that if we were in
an open marriage
- that you would do better than me
- Hey,
you do better than me
at a lot of other things,
like digesting dairy...
and reaching for stuff.
Okay, you know what
Game on.
If I can score five
numbers before you can,
then we have sex
in the bathroom.
But...
if you can score
five numbers before me,
then we have sex
in the bathroom.
So our usual wager.
Deal.
Hey, uh, hey, Jerry,
y... you really want to be
out here like this
Oh, sorry, small-town preacher
from the Midwest,
is there a law against dancing
No, of course not.
I... I just...
Oh, this club blows.
Let's hit the greatest
party in the world,
the streets of New York!
- Yeah! Let's do it!
- Yeah!
Uh, maybe fix the tie.
But mostly, party!
Okay, Jerry's gone;
Let's break up.
Okay. I would have stolen
you a whole orchestra.
There. What's the rush
Well, that guy who came over here
who thinks we're dating,
I kind of have a crush on him.
Can you help me clear it up
Really That guy
He was, like, a four.
A four God, you are, like,
the worst judge of guys ever.
Okay, if he is a
four, what are you
Hey!
I'm not perfect;
I'm an eight...
and a half.
You're a doofus and a half.
Fine. Let's go talk to him.
Where'd you meet
this booger-eater anyway
At a close-out sale at Dawes.
Really
I remember that sale.
TED
Hey, Robin.
Oh, Ted. Oh, no.
Look what I just bought.
Right Right
Hold on.
We were dating then.
I specifically remember,
because we had great
sex that night.
Great sex.
Let me guess.
Someone wants to knock...
boots.
(imitating gunshots)
Boots.
- Just take off your damn shirt.
- Okay.
All right.
All right. Whoa,
- stop.
- What
Stop. Perfect.
But I... I can't see,
and you can't see me.
Yeah. Yeah, just like that.
- You were picturing your crush!
- Well,
isomebody had to.
Okay, okay, answer me this.
Are you absolutely sure
it had nothing whatsoever...
to do with the boots
Yes.
You hear that, everybody
She said yes!
We're getting married!
(Ted chuckles)
I love this girl.
I'm never letting her go.
(loud smooch)
(chuckling)
Hey... Bottoms up, amigo!
iNARRATOR
After that,
iBarney's memory of the night
got a little hazy.
You want to fight me
Well, I'll fight you, dummy!
You don't even know!
(laughing)
Hey, hey! There we go!
(grunting)
(yelling)
Oh, look what I just ripped
out of the ground!
Oh...!
(laughing)
I just puked on the
hood of that...
(siren blares)
...police car! (Laughing)
(both laughing)
Too bad your playwright friend
isn't a lawyer.
Barney, I'm so sorry.
I'm afraid this
is what it's like
hanging out with Crazy Jerry.
It's okay, Dad.
I never thought tonight
would be so awesome!
So...
next stop, strip club.
The Lusty Leopard
has a special...
Oh, for corn's sake,
Barney, I'm not drunk!
- What
- I told you,
I don't party anymore,
and you wouldn't take
no for an answer.
So...
iI used a little...
sleight-of-hand...
to make you think otherwise.
Here you go.
(laughs) Whoa!
Bottoms up, amigo!
(chuckles)
Mm.
But all those
crazy things you did.
Do you happen to remember
what a magician's best friend is
A drunk audience.
You want to fight me
Well, I'll fight you, dummy!
No, no, no.
You don't even know!
Right here!
Look.
Look what I just
ripped out of the ground!
Oh...!
(cackles)
(Barney groaning)
What just happened
I... I just puked
on the hood of that...
(siren blares)
(chuckles)
police car.
(chuckling)
Well, why do all those things
I figured if
I showed you what...
never stop partying
really looked like,
you'd realize
you can't do it forever.
(sighs heavily)
Oh, well.
You lied to me all night
for your own selfish reasons
Daddy...!
I wanted to hang out
with you... you're my son.
And since you didn't want
to come with me and J.J.
On that fishing tri...
Fishing trip.
I'll never make it
back in time now.
Hey, you know, a... a pretty
good magician like you
probably knows how to, say,
get out of a standard
set of handcuffs.
Perhaps.
Well, here's something
you didn't know...
I'm a pretty good
magician, too.
(both giggling)
Abracadabra!
(both laughing)
Congratulations!
Oh, hey!
Thank you so much.
We're super excited.
We're thinking June.
(laughs)
Yeah, okay.
Okay, jerk...
do you remember how you ended up
buying those red cowboy boots
(chuckling)
Wow.
Wardrobe malfunction
at the O.K. Corral!
I mean, who in their
right mind would ever...
You would look
so totally hot in those.
Do you have these in a size 11
So get off the field
at the Superdome,
because you ain't no saint.
Hello.
- I, uh...
- Oh.
Hi, Robin.
Could I have your phone number
- We need someplace to hide.
- Where
No, Jerry, this is not the time
to go to another club!
We've got to get you back
home in time for that trip.
But there's no more trains,
there's no cabs.
Well, uh...
I do have a few driving
students in the city.
- Step on it! Jerry...
- Do not step on it.
Jerry, we have got
to get you home
in time for that fishing trip.
The laws are there
to protect...
- This is no time for laws!
- Buckle up, Barney.
- I am not going to buckle up!
- I am your father! You will listen to me!
Hey! How's the
open marriage going
Who was the first one
to get the five numbers
I won that race.
My prize...
sex in the bathroom.
iAnd I won that race.
Aw, sorry that secret crush
didn't work out for you.
Oh, it's okay. I guess
it just wasn't meant to be.
Why are you smiling
I don't know.
Good night.
Saw that girl again.
And guess what
She's engaged.
So that's the end of that.
iNARRATOR It wasn't the end of that.
More on that later.
And her fiancé
The guy's like a two.
How did you do it
Do what
How did you become this
I mean, I love my life, but...
iI'm not sure I like
loving it.
- Sure, strip clubs...
- You're drifting.
Hey, I'm trying to
open up to you...
No, Mrs. Perkins,
you're drifting!
Go on, Barney.
When I think about going for
anything more than that,
I look at my life,
and who I am, and...
I'm too far gone.
I'm broken.
Son, I was far more broken
than you'll ever be.
And look at me now.
Don't get me wrong...
settling down is... a challenge.
It's the biggest
challenge of your life.
So how do you do it
A magician never reveals
his greatest trick.
But I'll give you a hint.
You gotta meet the right girl.
Who knows
Maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.
Maybe I've met her already.
And park.
And emergency brake.
I did have a good time tonight.
And hey, if you want to
go fishing,
we got room in the boat.
Maybe some other time.
Okay.
Oh, and, uh...
thanks for taking such
good care of this.
It means a lot to me that you
kept it safe all these years.
I'm going fishing with my dad.
(inhales deeply, exhales)
(inhales deeply, exhales)
This...
sucks.
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