How I Met Your Mother: How I Met Your Mother - S06E22

NARRATOR:
Kids, when your Uncle Marshall
finally quit
Goliath National Bank to do
something better with his life,
he left on great terms
with his boss.
Good luck, Marshall. And promise
you'll list me as a reference.
NARRATOR:
Which made Marshall's
big interview
with a respected
environmental organization
all the more confusing.
I'm sorry. I don't think
you're the kind
of person we're looking for.
I just got off the phone
with Arthur Hobbs over at GNB.
Oh, yeah, I worked
with Marshall Eriksen...
at least I did
when he actually showed up.
Marshall! Hey, it's,
uh, it's 2:30.
If it's no big deal,
we'd sure love it
if you'd try to get here
at least before lunch.
Yeah? And I'd sure love
to give a rat's ass.
(slaps bottom)
Oh! Mr. Eriksen...
You're not wearing any pants.
Your move.
But Marshall, wh...
What about the environment?
Screw the environment!
"Screw the environment"?!
Oh, yeah.
We fired him when we caught him
clubbing a seal in his office
with an even cuter seal.
The guy's a maniac.
He's just an awful,
flatulent racist.
Sir, none of that is...
Sorry. Interview over.
NARRATOR:
And so Marshall stormed over
to GNB, where he ran into Zoey.
If you want to get back
at those jerks,
I have a proposition for you.
Invitations for the demolition
of The Arcadian.
As head of the project, I get
to decide how we knock it down.
I'm torn between training
an actual coyote
to use an ACME dynamite plunger,
or hooking up a fuse
to Eddie Van Halen's guitar
that goes off the second
he hits the last note
to "Hot For Teacher."
(mimics high guitar note,
fuse igniting, explosion)
(mimics crowd chanting):
Barney! Barney! Bar...
No, no. I'm going to go coyote.
Wait. While no one
wants to see
a, uh, coyote wearing
a little hard hat
more than me, remember:
Zoey's protest could still
shut your whole project down.
Oh, come on. Zoey's not
shutting anything down,
standing out there
with her stupid megaphone,
screaming in the wind; butt
cheeks trembling with fury;
her perky breasts heaving;
her self-righteous nipples...
Dude, that's my girlfriend.
Point is, we are taking her
and The Arcadian down.
Am I right, Teddy Westside?
You know it.
Ha-ha!
Okay. See, that's
so weird to me.
One second you're
defending Zoey,
and the next, you're talking
about her going down.
Glad to know she's also
mouthy in a good way.
(guffaws) What up?
Dude, that's his girlfriend.
Isn't it tough
dating the woman
that's trying to prevent your
building from being built?
At first, yes,
but we figured out
a great way to deal with it:
we never talk about it.
And since then, we've really been
enjoying each other's company.
So, every time The
Arcadian comes up,
you guys just awkwardly
change the subject?
Yeah, but you'd
be surprised.
It doesn't even
come up that often.
- Hey, guys.
- ALL: Hey!
Meet the new lawyer I hired
to help save The Arcadian.
So Oprah's retiring. Oof!
What's that world
gonna be like?
? How I Met Your Mother 6x22 ?
The Perfect Cocktail
Original Air Date on May 2, 2011
== sync, corrected by jacobian @ HDbits.org ==
Wait, Marshall's helping you
save The Arcadian, now?
Yeah. Having a former
GNB employee
on our side
is huge for us.
GNB is going down.
Yeah, totally.
So, they found water
on Mars. What?
Listen, um,
I hate to go up
against my two
best friends, but...
I really, I really
need this right now.
I mean, we're, we're
cool, right?
Not only do you quit the job
I stuck my neck out to get you,
now you sabotage the
project I'm in charge of?
Is this because
I brushed Lily's boob
with my elbow,
the other day?
That was on purpose!
What now?
I mean this is really like...
Barney, please...
NARRATOR:
And thus began an all-out war
between Barney and Marshall...
Delivery from
Mr. Stinson.
Barney sent us pictures
of himself.
Oh, God. What's he doing
to that megaphone?!
(screams)
(screams)
ZOEY: Oh!
(laughing)
? Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! ?
NARRATOR:
Later, back at the bar...
another war was just beginning.
Babe, can I get you
a drink?
No, I'm still not...
ready to put my mouth
on anything yet.
(sighs)
I know.
You know what?
Screw this.
Game on.
Can you believe this one?
Wants our booth.
Keeps giving us the walk-by.
That bitch is not
giving us the walk-by.
The walk-by with the stink eye.
(falsetto):
A stink-eye-walk-by?!
Aw, hell no!
I hope this drink
isn't teething,
'cause it's about to get nursed.
(clunks heels)
(murmurs)
Barney! Your wife just called
from the hospital!
It's a boy!
No.
I' was... I was...
NARRATOR:
This went on for days.
Congratulations.
You're about to be the 250th
girl that Barney has slept with.
BARNEY:
Pfff. Try 283.
250 was months ago.
No, no, no.
No, I mean,
you're totally 250, baby.
No, don't.
Oh, bye-bye.
Mr. Stinson...
I had to rush down as soon
as I got your results.
I'm sorry,
but your crabs have
super-herpes.
Oh, boy.
Look who's back.
Look, Lily, I think
this girl wants our seats.
Should we leave...
or stay here
Lionel Richie style--
"All Night Long"?
Excuse me waitress,
I'll have a mojito!
And you'll have a no-seat-ho.
Oh...!
(wry laugh)
MARSHALL:
Ah, yes...
the sweet, smoky taste
of victory.
Are you sure it doesn't taste
like anything else?
That's it!
Kent! Kent!
Oh, God! Ow...
Why would you do that
to your own jacket?!
That's what you get,
you traitor!
Oh, really? Really?
Yeah. Really.
Really. That... what...
(bottles smashing)
Okay, enough! You
guys are out of here.
(angry grunt)
Ejected!
I meant all of you.
You're all banned
from the bar. Out!
Carl!
(exasperated sigh)
Oh...
This has nothing to do with us.
You're totally ridiculous.
(gasps)
(contented sigh)
(wry laugh)
Don't look, baby. Just
don't look. Come on.
This stupid feud isn't going to
end until Marshall and Barney
finally talk
about their feelings, cry,
and then hug it out
like they do on Oprah.
Man, what are we going to do
without her?
(sighing):
Oh...
Wait, you know what, these guys are
not going to get all mushy sober.
We need to get
these bitches drunk.
Yes, but the right kind
of drunk.
Uh... we should go
with something mellow.
Maybe red wine?
Oh, I don't know.
Red wine has kind of
an odd effect on Barney.
ROBIN:
He reaches a point
of sad clarity.
CROWD (chanting):
Ten, nine, eight...
I'm a B-plus.
My whole life,
I was hoping to be an A,
and I'm a B-plus.
And I'm okay with that.
CROWD:
Happy New Year!
If we want them
to open up,
I say we go
straight-up gin.
Oh... last time
Marshall got gin-drunk
was at that douchey bar
Barney likes to go to.
Marshall almost got
in a fight that night.
MARSHALL:
Look at this meatball.
He's headed right towards me,
showing me no respect.
Well, if he wants
to play chicken,
this rooster
ain't backing down!
(banging)
Oh. Mirror.
How about martinis?
Absolutely not.
I'm not going anywhere
near you and a martini.
Why not?
Ooh...
You know what
would be stupid?
If we made out.
(giggling):
That would be so stupid.
Hey, I dare you guys
to dare us to make out.
Every time.
I only say that because
it would be so stupid if we did.
So stupid...
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah? Well... what
about you and absinthe?
MARSHALL:
I don't know. We could have
water, soda, purple stuff...
ROBIN:
We're a dream a baby's having.
We're a dream a baby's having.
(giggling)
I keep telling you,
that didn't happen.
It happened,
and it changed me.
How about daiquiris?
Maybe. When Marshall
has daiquiris...
LILY:
he gets really into
how beautiful he is.
Hey. I dare you guys
to dare us to make out.
Hey, Marsh, you know
that's another mirror, right?
Peppermint schnapps?
No. Peppermint schnapps
turns Barney
into Richard Dawson.
Who? The crazy old host
of Family Feud,
who greeted women
by kissing them on the mouth.
(as Richard Dawson):
Hey there, darlin'.
How you doin'?
Ah, is this your sister?
Mmm...
Beautiful.
Mmm...
Hey, where are our
chicken wings?
Show me chicken wings!
(bell dings)
OTHERS:
Good order, Ted! Good order!
Okay, I'm gonna go pick up Zoey,
then we're off.
See you Sunday.
LILY: Oh, wait, Ted.
Do you have a specific reaction
to any kind of alcohol?
Bourbon.
When I drink bourbon...
I get weirdly good
at beatboxing.
(beatboxing)
Peace, I'm out.
(crowd cheering)
Yes!
Yes!
Yeah, Ted, I hate to tell you,
but the bourbon only makes it
sound good to you.
(beatboxing discordantly)
? Ki-ki, ki-ki, ki-ki, ki-ki ?
? Ka-ka, ka-ka, ka-ka, ka-ka ?
? Koo-koo, koo-koo, koo-koo,
koo-koo, poo... poo... ?
(spitty breaths)
Poo!
Peace. I'm out.
You had to take that away
from me, didn't you?
Well, enjoy
Martha's Vineyard.
Hopefully by the time
you get back,
we'll be allowed
back into MacLaren's.
What do you mean?
Barney and Marshall's feud
got us banned from the bar.
We lost our booth.
Stop.
Man, how did things
get so screwed up?
NARRATOR:
Of course I knew
the answer to that.
I was dating her.
But I wasn't about to ruin our
first big romantic weekend away
by bringing up the one topic
we agreed was
completely off-limits.
You and The Arcadian are
ruining my life! What?
I thought we weren't
talking about...
We're talking about this.
Look, I can handle you
trying to prevent me
from fulfilling
a life-long dream.
That's just being
in a relationship.
But now? You turn my
best friend against me?
Marshall made his own choice.
Why aren't you mad at him?
Because he's going through
a lot right now.
He, he's looking for
something to believe in,
and you took advantage of that.
You're, you're just like
those Internet swindlers
who tricked him
into paying 300 bucks
for a lock of Sasquatch fur.
You cannot compare The Arcadian
to a Ziploc bag
full of Turkish armpit hair.
The Arcadian
is a beautiful,
magnificent hotel.
Okay. You know what? We're
settling this once and for all.
Okay.
We've cross-referenced
every alcohol
with Marshall
and Barney's reaction.
What's the right drink
for this situation?
ROBIN:
Well, they're not talking.
They're not even looking
at each other.
That reminds me of those
awkward Sunday dinners
with my mom, my dad
and his mistress.
(laughs)
Families, right?
I-I guess. That...
seems like a whole other thing.
We need a drink that
will start a fight.
Do you know what I had
to do to get you that job?
Do you know what
I had to do
to will myself to
show up every day?
What, wear a wrinkled suit
and not give a damn about
what your hair looked like?
I showed up with wet hair once!
Once!
BARNEY:
Oh, my God.
(door opens)
Well, here we are.
I had a reservation
at a four-star inn
overlooking the ocean
but, uh...
How can that compete with such a
beautiful, magnificent hotel?
Welcome to
The Arcadian.
(animals squeaking, scurrying)
So here's the deal.
If you can last until sunrise
in your precious Arcadian,
I'll join your side.
You're on.
This place is fantastic.
They even left a chocolate
on the pillow.
That's not a chocolate.
(arguing heatedly)
Okay, now we need to
get them something
that will make them
emotionally vulnerable
and completely,
pathetically honest.
Yeah, we need a drink that,
that takes subtext and
turns it into text. Yeah.
See, ever since
the death of my father,
I have been drawn
to the idea of preservation.
That's why The Arcadian
speaks to me.
Ever since my father
walked out on my childhood,
I've had serious
abandonment issues.
You walking out
on me like that...
Oh God, I didn't even
think of that...
It made me wonder, "What could
I have done to make him stay?"
Look, you didn't do anything
wrong. It wasn't you, Barney.
That's what everyone
keeps saying
but people just
keep leaving me.
(sobbing)
Wow. That got real o'clock.
Yeah.
We need to get them up
and having fun.
(Robin laughs)
Dance, my puppets,
dance!
LILY:
Now do you see why
I'm always interfering
in other people's lives?
Oh, God, totally!
Mm.
Please?
Well, we're here for the night.
Might as well have some fun.
Care to join me?
Dust just flew out
of that comforter
in the shape of a skull.
Whoa, something just
passed through me.
Can you get STDs from
the ghost of a prostitute?
(woman in bathroom screams)
(screams)
What are...
What are you doing
in our bathroom?
WOMAN (with thick accent):
This bathroom for entire floor!
(toilet flushes)
Okay. Final round.
What simple act
will get the boys
to finally forgive each other?
Sharing a brandy.
Which is what I walked in
on my parents doing once.
Brandy was my
father's mistress.
God, parents. Right?
Again, just a whole
other thing, sweetie.
Where'd they go?
Oh, no.
They did shots.
(sniffs)
What? What is it?
What's the worst thing they
could possibly drink right now?
Your place or mi...
(hiccups)
Your place
or mi... (hiccups)
Le-Let's go to
your place. Mm.
NARRATOR:
Kids, don't drink tequila.
Uh, these were supposed to
be for a romantic dinner
on our balcony as we
were serenaded
by the sounds of the ocean.
But I guess we'll have to
settle for what sounded like
two very large men
having sex next door...
with a third very small man.
I think that small man
sounded very moved by
The Arcadian's beauty.
Okay. What is it?
And don't give me,
"It's beautiful."
Don't give me,
"It's magnificent."
What is it about this place
that makes you so passionate
to save it?
Well...
When I was a little girl...
my family used to live here.
Why, why have you
never told me that?
I never told anyone that.
It makes it sound like
it would be impossible
for me to be
objective, but...
(sighs)
The truth is, I...
I loved growing up here.
We had just moved to New York.
We were completely broke.
But my mom told
my sisters and me
that The Arcadian was a castle.
And we believed her.
I know it's not
what it used to be...
but this building
is a part of who I am.
And that's why I want so badly
(choking up):
for you to like it, too.
NARRATOR:
Kids, you never forget
the first time-- or place--
you tell a girl:
I love you.
I love you, too.
(toilet flushes)
Come on in, you're un-banned.
I gave these guys
some drinks and they calmed down
and made up.
Well, what drink
finally did the trick?
ROBIN:
Of course,
beer.
Beer.
I love you.
I love you.
(laughing drunkenly)
Uh, no. N-Not right...
You know,
I guess this place isn't so bad.
See? With a little renovation,
we could restore it
to its former...
What was that?
What was what?
I think it went under the bed.
Yeah.
I don't see anything.
(squeaks)
(screams)
That, that was...
that!
Oh, my God!
It's the cock-a-mouse!
The what?
Cock-a-mouse.
Part cockroach,
part mouse.
It used to live
in our apartment.
It must have settled
here, and... Oh!
Look, it had babies!
Good for it.
(baby cock-a-mice squeaking)
Ew....
I give up. You win. Let's go!
Be well, my friends!
Aw, just how we left them.
Morning.
Who wants breakfast?
You have some coffee?
So I can throw it in
this traitor's face?
Oh, yeah? Hey! Hey!
Do you guys have some
pancakes, because I... would
really like some pancakes.
They're fantastic. Let's
be honest, I love them.
But I hate this guy!
I thought they
made up last night.
(sighs)
Damn it, I know what happened.
I love you.
I love you.
Uh, no. N-not right...
Carl,
a round of champagne.
Ooh!
The champagne.
We gave them one drink too many.
They must've blacked out
and forgotten the whole thing.
What kind of dirtbag
doesn't stand by
his best friends,
but instead sides with
some self-righteous bitch
with a pointless cause and a megaphone?
TED: Dude.
That's my girlfriend.
And you know what?
I'm on her side now, too.
Whoa, whoa, you have got
to be kidding me. Ted...
Okay, what drink can fix this?
Mama's done with this drama.
What drink can fix the headache
these clowns are giving me?
I got it.
Right?
LILY:
Time is music the planets make.
Music the planets make...
(both giggling)
What is that?
(gagging)
(gagging)

How I Met Your Mother

10/20/2011

How I Met Your Mother - S06E22 - The Perfect Cocktail

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