<i>Kids, up to
this point in the story,
<i>we had found doppelgangers.--
Eerie but awesome look-alikes
<i>for four of the five members
of our little group.
<i>There was Lesbian Robin...
<i>Mustache Marshall...
<i>Stripper Lily...
<i>and Mexican Wrestler Me.
<i>Yes, mine was the coolest.
<i>And so we were all eager
<i>to find The Fifth Doppelganger:
Barney's.
<i>Turned out,
it was more important
<i>to some of us than others.
We agree there's no sense
in having a baby
until we've seen
all five doppelgangers, right?
Yeah, of course.
Stands to reason.
Okay, so, when we finally see
Barney's doppelganger,
that's the universe
telling us it's go time.
And that's when
we'll start trying.
Deal?
Deal.
<i>And then one day,
a few weeks later...
Baby, were we serious about
the whole Fifth
Doppelganger thing?
I mean, having a baby
is a pretty big thing
to leave up to the universe.
Yeah, I know it's crazy.
It's just so much easier
to let the universe decide.
Why do you ask?
Boom!
Universed!
Oh, my God!
Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
That could easily be Barney
pulling some scam
to meet chicks.
I'm one step ahead of you.
Go for Barney.
Barney, hey.
It's Marshall.
So you are at work?
You're not--
I don't know--
driving a cab, wearing a wig.
Yes, I'm at work.
That's the sound of my stapler.
That's the sound
of my three-hole punch.
And this is the sound
of me filing
my corporate guidelines
on sexual harassment.
What is up?!
Got to go, Big Chief.
Barney's at work.
That-that was The
Fifth Doppelganger.
Marshall Eriksen...
put a baby in my belly.
I can't wait to tell the gang.
This is one of those moments
you dream about.
"Guys...
"Lily and I...
are having unprotected sex."
Ooh, I just got the chills.
We're not gonna say anything.
What? Why?
Marshall, if we tell them,
we're basically
inviting them into
the most private,
intimate moment of our lives.
You guys banging?
Keep going; I'm
not even here.
But just for the record,
having a baby: huge mistake.
Now, show me what you got.
Uncle Teddy's here!
Quick question:
How you guys gonna handle
the whole Santa thing?
I'm thinking, just be honest.
Ah, hell. I'll dress up.
This just in...
is what Marshall Eriksen
is about to say to his wife
as he attempts
to impregnate her.
Chopper 12 is live on the scene
with "Baby Watch: 2010."
Okay, fine. I won't tell anybody
about the baby thing.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Guys...
We saw The Fifth Doppelganger!
Whoa!
Amazing!
That is awesome!
Mm-hmm.
Ooh, freaky.
A brunette Barney.
I know.
Say what you will
about the guy,
but Barney seems right
as a blond.
Well, that's true.
Not every dude
can pull that off
the blond look.
I don't know about that.
What?
Oh, that summer
I was lifeguarding
at the Chagrin Falls
Country Club,
I was lathering a little
lemon juice into the old mop,
playing with some
natural highlights.
Let's just say there were a few
senior citizens who pretended
to drown on my watch.
And sadly, one who did.
Anyway,
I'd look good blond.
<i>Okay, people,
we're in a delicate
<i>but very, very promising
situation here.
<i>If we play the
next 30 seconds right,
<i>Ted will dye his hair blond.
<i>Guys, this is mean.
<i>We can't--
uhp, just pictured it.
<i>How do we do this?
What are we all thinking about?
<i>Nachos?
<i>Ted Mosby responds to
<i>one thing above all else.
<i>I don't know, I'm still
<i>kind of full from lunch.
A bunch of people emphatically
<i>telling him
not to do something.
<i>Follow my lead.
<i>Ah, screw it, I could eat.
Yes, we'd all like
some nachos.
I love you, buddy, but
there's absolutely no way
that you could pull off blond.
It-it just wouldn't
look right.
Yeah, seriously, Ted,
don't go blond.
I'm going blond!
No!
No!
That is not the outcome
we were hoping for!
<i>Now, kids, Robin and Don
<i>were becoming
such a great team, both off
<i>and on the air, that local
Channel 12 started asking them
<i>to guest-host some of
their other top-notch programs.
So, that's why Monty and I
vow never to do drugs.
Because drugs are bad.
Right, Monty?
We, sure,
man-made
chemical stuff.
But things that grow in nature--
they're okay to try,
like, once or twice.
Not looking for
gray areas here, Monty.
I don't think it's right
to lie to the kids, Moo-Moo.
So... what are you saying?
I've experimented with drugs.
<i>Fun fact: highest-rated
<i>Monty and Moo-Moo episode ever.
Mmm.
Hmm, what was that for?
Before I met you, I'd
given up on everything.
Relationships, career, pants.
But you made me
want to try again.
I love you for that.
Oh. Huh?
Ooh.
Oh, I see.
Mmm.
Hi. Hey, hi.
Sorry.
Um, you don't know me,
but I just wanted
to say thank you.
You're actually a very
important person in my life.
Important?
More like legendary.
Marshall, it's me!
Barney!
<i>Oddly enough,
this would rank as only
<i>the second biggest surprise
of the day.
Wow, this is just very sudden.
Sure, I can get you
an answer by tomorrow.
Okay.
Thanks.
Ted, something big
has just happened,
and you're the most
sensible person I know.
I need to talk to you right now.
You know what, it can wait.
No, go ahead. I'm listening.
Okay, well,
the executive producer from WNKW
happened to see our
show the other morning
and loved me.
They offered me the lead
anchor job, starting next week.
Wow, that's great!
It is great.
But, um, here's the catch.
WNKW is in...
H-Helen, kill the dryer!
Is in Chicago.
But you were
The Fifth Doppelganger.
How-how can you be you?
I called you, Barney;
We had a whole conversation!
Ah, yes, I know what happened.
See, people at work have
this very strange expectation
that I, well, work.
I know, I know.
<i>So to make my colleagues think
I'm busting my hump
<i>when I'm really out humping
busty chicks,
<i>I decided to record
a special message.
What is up?!
Got to go, Big Chief.
How can it be a recording?
You called me Big Chief,
my special workplace nickname.
Oh, buddy.
Hey, hey.
Come on, Big Chief.
Don't.
Just don't.
Why does this have
to happen now?
I mean, just when things are
going so great with Don.
It's the never-ending battle
of my life:
Career versus romance.
"Never-ending battle"?
Career has been
trouncing romance for years.
It's like the Globetrotters
versus the Generals.
Career's sinking hook shots
from half court,
Romance is just
a bunch of slow white guys
who couldn't make it
in the Italian league.
Ted, I'm lost.
What should I do?
Okay, you seriously need
to talk to Don about this.
I'm just too confused
to put this on Don.
I need to leave him out of it
until I figure out what I want.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
And I'm sorry I can't give you
better advice on this.
The truth is,
it's impossible for me
to be objective
about you moving away.
Mm. Did you get a manicure?
No, I didn't get a...
He sure did.
Flo!
Why are you brunette
and driving a cab?
Oh, that.
You know how
it's my dream to have sex
with at least one woman from
every country on the planet?
Sure.
Wow.
You're doing surprisingly well
in the Baltics.
Mm-hmm.
So, I figure,
what's the quickest way
to get around the world
in 180 lays?
Lease a cab and wait outside
the U.N. building
for hot foreign chicks.
<i>It was the perfect plan.
<i>There was only one small detail
I didn't take into account.
Chicks don't want
to bang cab drivers.
Chicks do not want
to bang cab drivers!
And I put a lot of
work into this one.
I can't believe this.
Now I got to tell Lily The Fifth
Doppelganger is a fake.
So? What does she care?
Lily decided that once
we spotted your doppelganger,
we'd start trying to have kids.
Kids?! No!
Uh-uh!
The rule is: no kids
until you're at least 45!
Do you ever read my blog?!
It's gotten a lot better.
I'm ready to be a dad, you know?
But Lily needs some sign
from the universe.
And now it could be years.
I'm sorry, buddy.
That'll be $37.50.
<i>So that night,
<i>Marshall went home
to break the bad news to Lily.
The universe has spoken.
Marshall Eriksen,
let's make a baby.
I...
Okay.
Hey.
Hey.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
I heard you were doing this,
so I worked on some stuff.
Uh, hey, uh, I'm planning
a "White Wedding."
Tell me, Billy Idol,
is it a nice day for that?
Some other Billy Idol ones.
Um, if anyone's looking for
the real Slim Shady,
he's right here.
That one's only okay.
Robin, why aren't you
getting in on this?
Okay, first of all,
I'm getting tons of compliments.
Second of all, tell him.
He's not getting
tons of compliments.
No, the other thing.
Oh.
I might move to
Chicago next week.
Mm, um, hey, baby.
Hmm?
Not for nothing or nothing,
but we'd still be doing this
even if we hadn't seen
Doppelganger Barney, right?
Ooh, but we did see him,
which means the universe--
in all its infinite wisdom--
is telling you to stick me
and stick me real good.
I can't. I can't in good
conscience stick you.
I know what's bothering you.
Really?
The cabbages didn't look
enough like Barney.
Well, that's just not true.
No! Time-out!
This is a group decision!
You can't just move to Chicago
unless we all say it's okay.
Barney, I think
this has to be Robin's...
Stay out of this,
Brigitte Nielsen
<i>or Dolph Lundgren
from Rocky IV!
We need Marshall and Lily.
That cabbie was like
a foot shorter than Barney!
He was the exact same size!
And you know what?
I think he was Asian.
Yeah, that guy was like
a tiny, graying Asian man
WI-with a soul patch
and a potbelly.
Have you completely forgotten
what Barney looks like?!
You guys banging?
Why are you in our bedroom?
<i>Why are you
in our bedroom?
Why is Ellen DeGeneres
in our bedroom?
Hey, this is working!
Wait a minute.
Candles...
Flowers...
Oh, I guess Marshall
"forgot" to tell you.
The Fifth Doppelganger...
was me.
What? Wait, and you
knew about this?
You lied to me?
By omission,
and it's only because
this whole "leave it
to the universe" thing
of yours is insane, Lily.
Baby, you... Lily, we need to
be in control of our own...
Guys, guys! We're forgetting
what's really important here.
Ted's blond.
Guys, I am pulling this off.
Now, Robin has something
important to tell you.
He's not pulling it off.
No, the other thing.
He got a manicure.
The other thing.
I got a job offer in Chicago.
Whoa.
That's why we all
came down here--
to try and talk Robin
out of making a huge...
Actually, I-I've, I've
already made a decision.
Guys, I gotta take it.
I can't believe
we're losing Robin.
<i>Guys, this might be
the depression talking,
<i>but is Ted's hair starting
to look kind of good?
<i>Thank God, I thought
I was the only one!
<i>He looks like
a freakin' movie star!
Oh, and by the way,
this was a huge mistake.
I'm changing my hair back.
Smart.
Told ya.
Not at all awesome.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
So, I just got off the phone
with Chicago.
Yes, I have made a decision.
Um...
I appreciate the offer,
but I can't take the job.
Thanks.
I'm staying.
Damn straight!
Yay!
Robin!
Hey, Lily,
tell me something.
When you saw actual Barney
driving that cab,
and you thought he was a petite,
potbellied Asian man?
I know. Weird, right?
It's not weird.
It means you're not ready.
And I'm... I'm sorry
that I tried to rush things.
Our baby can wait
for the real Doppelganger
Barney.
Oh...
Mm.
Mm.
Hey, Moo-Moo.
Monty made you
thin-crust pizza
just the way you like it!
Hi.
Mmm...
You okay?
Robin, you're not gonna
believe this.
I got offered the lead anchor
job at WNKW in Chicago.
Oh.
Um, what'd you say?
I said yes.
I've been waiting years
for a shot like this.
Barney?
I am simple street performer
from Estonia.
Who is this Barney?
Oh, he's just this guy we know
who has, like,
a really lame blog.
I hear it's getting better.
I mean, wha-what is "blog"?
It's just something that was
cool, like, eight years ago.
Still cool.
Still sounds pretty cool, man.
What's your name?
Kristof.
Kristof what?
Kristof...
Doppelganger.
Really?
Yep.
You're gonna go with
the last name "Doppelganger"?
That's my name, man.
Bro...
Robin, wait. Please
try to understand.
I gotta get out of here.
Wait. Put yourself
in my shoes.
Can you imagine what it's like
to have the phone ring,
and it's your dream job
on the other end?
Yes... I can.
Good luck in Chicago, Don.
Barney, why are you doing this?
Wait a minute.
Could it, could it be
that Barney Stinson actually
wants us to have kids?
Who is this Barney?!
Take American chill pill!
Well, let me tell you
about him.
He talks a big game
about how no one should
ever have kids before
they're at least 45.
I would be interested in reading
some of these opinions
in blog form.
But I think I know
what happened.
Yesterday, Barney thought
he had to say good-bye
to someone he truly loves.
And it got him thinking...
Maybe it wouldn't
be the worst thing
if a baby joined
our little group.
Babies...
<i>can be cute.
Mm. And someday,
he's gonna make
the best uncle in the world.
Because this Barney...
He's family to us.
Excuse me.
I heard you're from Estonia.
So am I.
Excuse me one moment.
<i>Estonia
would close out the Baltics!
And I am
street performer like you.
Ay-yi-yi-yi!
Hey.
Say yes to this.
Okay.
Can I move back in?
Yes.
But, Ted, am I just
the biggest idiot in the world?
Look, think about all
of us five years ago
when we first met you.
<i>Marshall and Lily were just
boyfriend and girlfriend.
<i>Now they're married
and thinking about kids.
<i>And Barney?
<i>Barney was never gonna commit
to anyone ever.
And last year, he fell in love.
<i>And me?
<i>I was chasing some girl I was
convinced was "The One."
Now she's one of my
closest friends.
And you?
<i>Five years ago, you never
would have chosen love
over your career,
but today you did.
Looks like I'm getting dumber.
No,
just more courageous.
Look, we've all been searching
for The Five Doppelgangers,
right?
Mm.
But eventually, over time,
we all become
our own doppelgangers.
You know, these... these
completely different people
who just happen to look like us.
"Five Years Ago Robin"?
That girl, she was pretty great.
But Doppelganger Robin?
She's amazing.
We've, um, we've had
a lot to drink...
I don't care.
What?
Oh. Oh, yeah.
I forgot I'm blond.
I have blond hair.
<i>And that's the story
of how dying my hair blond
<i>kept us from doing something
<i>we both would have regretted
that night.
<i>Kids, the universe is funny.
Oh, my God!
Yes! You're here!
This is fantastic!
Baby, simmer.
Your husband's right there.
<i>At least attempt
to hide it.
Guys, follow me!
Guys, look!
The Fifth Doppelganger!
Uh, Lily?
That dude looks noth...
Guys...
Go with it.
<i>Kids, you can ask the universe
for signs all you want...
It's uncanny.
Right?
Just like Barney.
Amazing.
It's like looking
in the mirror.
<i>But ultimately, we only see
what we want to see
<i>when we're ready to see it.
So, um, does this mean...?
Marshall Eriksen...
put a baby in my belly.
Mm...
5/18/2011
How I Met Your Mother - S05E23 - The Wedding Bride
<i>Kids, when you're
in your 2os dating is great,
<i>but by the time you reach your
3os, you find out pretty fast
<i>everyone has baggage.
<i>Sure, you can stick
to the small talk
<i>and pretend it's not there,
but sooner or later...
It's my ex.
Sorry. We're trying
to remain friends.
Hi, pumpkin!
Did you get our
tickets to Maui?
<i>Yeah, it's there.
That spring I just started dating
a girl named Royce.
<i>She was smart, beautiful...
Blah-blah-blah,
we're very happy together.
But...
Exactly.
That's the problem.
Her butt?
What is it, too much?
Too little?
Or is it an issue of access?
No, the "but" is, there's
always gonna be a "but."
No matter how great things
are going,
sooner or later,
it's gonna get ruined.
When she turns 30.
When I find out
what her baggage is.
It's there.
I don't know what it is,
but when I do, party's over.
Whoa. Ted,
please tell me
you are not impugning
emotional baggage.
Baggage is a good thing?
Emotional baggage
is the bedrock
of America's most important
cultural export.
Porn.
Actually, it's porn.
Only women with major baggage
go into porn.
Major Baggage.
Ted, everyone has baggage.
You just got to look past it.
Really? 'Cause the last time
I looked past a girl's baggage,
that baggage belonged
to a girl named Stella,
and, oh, I'm drawing
a blank here.
How did that work out again?
<i>Here's how it worked out.
Marry me.
<i>I asked her to marry me.
She said yes.
<i>We were happy. But then the day
of the wedding,
<i>her karate instructor
<i>ex-boyfriend Tony Grafanello
showed up,
<i>declared his love for her,
<i>and Stella ran off with him
to California,
<i>leaving me utterly and
completely heartbroken.
Ted, look,
what happened with
Stella was awful,
but that doesn't mean
anyone with baggage
is undateable.
Well, I'm just glad
that we met young enough
that I don't have any baggage.
Mother issues.
I do not.
Grandmother issues.
Definitely do not.
Great-grandmother issues.
I just don't like it when she picks me up.
And you know what
your biggest baggage is?
You're too nice.
How is being nice baggage?
Have you ever seen you
walk down the street?
I don't even know
how to answer hat.
Well, let me help you out.
Michael!
Javier, Marcello!
Susanne.
Hey, Deng, let me
help you with that.
That ought to do it.
Oh, guys, no.
I could not today.
It would just be...
That's normal.
There is only one street
where that is normal.
Here's a hint:
A giant yellow bird
lives on it.
Well, I'll be pretty happy
if Royce's only baggage is
that she's too nice.
Too nice?
That is the worst kind of baggage.
Best baggage:
Hates her dad
and thinks she's
fat, but isn't.
Angry sex on the first date,
and then as soon as
you mention breakfast,
she's gone.
Why do guys hang out with me?
<i>That night on
my date with Royce,
<i>I kept waiting to see
what her baggage would be.
So, is spaghetti
your specialty?
Uh, no. The main event
is my pancakes.
I'll make 'em for you sometime.
They are insane.
My dad used to make
multigrain pancakes.
He's the one who got
me working in porn.
You know PORN?
"Parents Offering
Recognition and Nutrition"?
It's a charity
for inner-city teens
who don't have access to
sports or healthy food.
That reminds me...
I killed my brother...
With this joke
I told him last night.
A barber, a stripper
and a Jew...
...lliard-trained violinist
walk into a bar.
<i>I looked and looked and looked,
but it really appeared
<i>as though there was no baggage
to worry about...
<i>until we went
to go see a movie.
♪ ♪
Oh, no.
Hey, what took you guys so long?
Nothing.
Forget about it.
We were on our way here,
and Marshall wanted
to stop and help some guys load
their moving van.
To be nice.
It didn't cost nothing.
D when the moving van
drove away,
who should show up
but the owner of the apartment
we had just helped
some guys rob.
And that one was hard
to explain to the police.
See, Marshall?
This is what I mean.
You can't treat New York City
like it's the small, friendly,
crime-free, inbred, backwoods,
Podunk, cow-tipping, Minnesota
Hickville where you grew up.
Crime-free?
Yeah.
Crime-free? In 1994,
the cashier from the feed store
was held up at hoepoint.
And besides,
I like being friendly, okay?
I'm not gonna change that
about myself.
No, don't change, baby.
I think it's sweet.
Sweet, sweet.
Sweet mother of God,
he's an idiot sometimes.
He actually lent the burglars
gas money.
He gave them money?
Not gave, lent.
They said that they would
send us a check,
so Marshall gave them
our address.
What's to stop them
from coming
to our apartment one night
and maybe tying me up?
I mean, sure,
Marshall and I like to pretend,
but the reality is scary.
Why don't you say something
to him?
What's the point?
<i>He's from Minnesota.
His high school mascot
was a hug.
Hey, guys.
Hey!
How'd the date with Royce go?
It was interesting.
We went to see
<i>that new movie
The Wedding Bride.
Oh, how was it?!
Not that I care.
I mean, that's a chick flick.
This one'll probably drag me
to it,
like, the 7:10 show
tomorrow night or 9:40 because
I have that meeting.
But I can probably get o of it,
so let's try for the 7:10.
What's that
movie about, anyway?
That's the interesting part.
Hey, bonehead,
I'm Jed Mosely!
I'm the most powerful
and corrupt architect
in New York.
I want...
It's about me.
<i>The Wedding Bride is about you?
Yeah.
Okay, are you sure
it's about you?
<i>Because when I saw Spaceballs
for the first time,
I could have sworn...
<i>This movie is
about me, Marshall.
It was written
by Tony Grafanello.
Tony Grafanello?
That's the...
Yeah, the guy
that Stella left me for.
This movie is the
whole story of our breakup.
Why would he write
a movie about that?
Isn't he the bad guy
in that story?
Yeah, and the good guy is a guy
named Ted Mosby.
Funny, that was my
memory of it, too.
But according to the movie...
Mr.
Mosley, your fiancé is here.
Great, the old ball and chain.
I can't wait to make her move
out of her beautiful house
in New Jersey and come live with
me in an apartment above a bar.
Send her in!
Ah!
Stella, to what do I owe
the pleasure?
We're supposed to taste wedding
cakes this afternoon, remember?
Ouch!
No-can-do's-ville, baby doll.
Whoa!
Aw...
Well, I am stunned.
Right?
That's what passes for comedy
these days?
"Whoa, I'm falling back
in my chair!
Whoa!"
Whoa. I'm really falling back
in my chair.
Oh, baby!
Okay, that was pretty funny.
What a jerk.
Did he at least get
someone hot to play me?
You're not in it.
What a jerk!
No. No, no, no,
Tony's not a jerk.
Not according
to the movie, anyway.
I'm going through
with this wedding.
I'm sorry, Tony.
Stella, your happiness is
the only thing I care about,
except for these underprivileged
children
that I work with for free.
Aw...!
I love him.
It's not that easy, Tony.
Jed Mosely may not be
as handsome as you are,
as...
Tall as you are...
<i>I'm taller than that guy.
...and our sex life is terrible.
Once, he even fell asleep
while we were doing it.
I mean...
It was one time.
I was on cold medicine!
What?
Nothing.
<i>This is a terrible movie!
And it got everything wrong!
Re-Remember how I proposed
to Stella?
<i>That spontaneous moment
in the arcade;
<i>I didn't have a ring,
<i>so I gave her a toy I won
from a crane machine?
Oh, that was so sweet.
So romantic.
A little cheesy.
Well, here's how it went
Look, if it'll shut you up,
I guess we can get married.
Aren't you gonna give me a ring?
No-can-do's-ville, baby doll.
Here, put is on your finger.
Hey!
And remember
the two-minute date?
When I squeezed an entire
romantic evening
<i>into just two minutes
<i>to accommodate
Stella's busy schedule?
Oh, Ted,
you're such a good guy.
That was really nice.
Also a little cheesy.
Well, according to the movie...
What about our big
romantic weekend?
No-can-do's-ville, baby doll.
Alls I got time for is
a two-minute date,
if you know
what I mean. Sex!
Whoa!
Aw...!
Hey, if you know
what you're doing,
two minutes is all you need.
Run tell DAT.
<i>But the worst,
the worst was the ending.
So they're at the wedding...
Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosely
to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
I...
Whoa-oh! Spoilers!
Is what, is what I would say
if ever plan on seeing
such an awful film!
Continue.
So they're at the wedding...
I...
Stella!
Tony!
Tony?!
Something I need to say.
A long time ago,
I let this beautiful girl
named Stella
get away.
And now she's with
some jerk
who doesn't appreciate
what he has in this
beautiful wedding bride.
Aw...!
What is wrong with you people?!
You can't talk to me like that!
I'm Ted Mosely!
Did he say "Ted" that time?
Shh!
Stella, I promised
to make you my wife.
And I'd like to live up
to that promise.
Oh, Tony, all I've wanted
all my life was your love.
Oh, go on, honey, kiss him.
Kiss him! Kiss him!
Stella, if you still
truly love me...
Kiss him! Kiss him!
Will you let me make you
my wedding bride?
Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!
Can-do's-ville, baby doll.
No, no, no!
Stop doing that!
Daddy!
Take that, Ted Mosby!
Okay, he definitely
said it that time.
Oh, my God!
That was so good!
I'm laughing, I'm crying.
I... I know
it's all fake,
but didn't those seem
like real characters?
It was just so real!
Hey, how come
you said, "Oh, no"
when the movie started?
<i>That's when I realized
everyone has baggage...
<i>including me.
Oh, uh, no reason.
Ted, I think you need
to tell Royce the story
of what happened
with you and Stella.
It-it's gonna come out
eventually.
Why? Why does it
even have to?
Well, for starters,
it's now the fifth
highest grossing movie
of all time.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I'm taking this to the grave.
It's a stupid movie anyway!
Sounds terrible.
I would never go
see that film because
I support you and I love you.
<i>Kids, you know
where this is going.
Well, she's made her choice.
Don't worry.
I won't go to the wedding.
Oh, you'll go all right!
I'm gonna drive you there myself
and make you watch!
Billy, no!
The code.
This is exactly how it happened.
He got every part right.
Even the thing
with the nunchucks.
<i>So I was resolved
to put The Wedding Bride
<i>as far behind me as possible.
<i>Unfortunately...
<i>Oh, how great was
The Wedding Bride?
Oh! Loved it!
Loved it, loved it, loved it!
We're going to see it again tomorrow.
Oh, can we come?
Ted, you want to see it
again, right?
Yeah, it was good.
"Good"?
Try instant classic!
The only thing wrong
with it--
and I mean, it's such
a minor flaw
in an otherwise
flawless film--
is, I just didn't get
why Stella would even want
to marry a guy like Jed Mosely
in the first place.
I mean, even that guy's
name: Jed Mosely....
Come on, Royce.
You've dated
a few Jed Moselys in your day.
Well, okay, but who hasn't?
He's such a type;
The butterfly tattoo,
the way he pronounces
encyclopedia.
Ugh!
Encyclo-pay-dia.
Totally, totally.
Well, technically,
that is the correct
pronunciation.
I was so, so happy
when that loser got left
at the altar.
And you know why?
Because he had it coming. Mm-hmm.
And the great part is, he is
gonna live a long, sad life,
knowing that he lost
his only chance at happiness.
Oh, and what about when he
got beat up by the goat?!
So funny!
What a loser!
Totally.
Totally!
I mean, the guy's
life was shattered
in a very public humiliation.
What a hoot!
It may be years before he can look
certain family members
in the eye again.
He may be so emotionally traumatized,
he never fully loves or trusts
anyone ever again.
It was hysterical!
Move over, Adolf Hitler,
there's a new king
of comedy, right?
Ted, are you okay?
No, I just think you all might be interested
to learn something
about that movie you all love so much.
It sucks...
And you're all stupid
for liking it.
Wow. That was really mean and
I think you owe us an apology.
No-can-do's-ville, baby doll...
No-can-do's-ville...
You said, "No-can-do's-
ville, baby doll"?
You actually used
Jed Mosely's catchphrase?
I know! I was just
so upset that they...
How do you know
that's his catchphrase?
You dragged me into it. I didn't wanna go.
I wanted to see Avatar.
That's it. I'm just gonna move
to some country
<i>where no one's seen
The Wedding Bride.
Good luck, Ted.
That movie is worldwide.
It's huge.
Maybe North Korea?
Nope. I read
that Kim Jong IL said
it's his second favorite movie
of all time.
Right behind a movie of him
riding a horse in slow motion
Sorry, Ted.
You're screwed.
No, Ted, you know what, no,
Ted is not screwed.
Do you guys want to know
why I'm nice to everyone?
It's because I don't care bout baggage.
I mean, most people, they see
another person walking down the street
with that big heavy bag
they're carrying,
and they just walk on by.
But not me.
I look at them and I say,
I say, "Howdy, stranger.
Can I give you a hand
with that?"
And you know who taught me
to be that way?
A guy called Ted Mosby.
A guy who's uncynical and sincere
and believed in things.
And you know what, Ted?
I believe that deep down,
you're still that guy.
<i>I am still that guy.
I think you want to go out there
and get that girl.
I want to get out there and get that girl.
- Because she's the love of your life.
- Because she's...
Oh, well, we're three dates in.
She seems nice.
Because she seems nice!
<i>She does seem nice!
You're right, Marshall.
I gotta go get her.
And I know exactly where she is.
The wedding's in 15 minutes.
I'll never make it!
You can do it, Sensei.
Go get love a house round kick.
Right in the heart.
You're right. What am I doing?!
There's still time!
Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosely
To be your lawfully wedded husband,
I...
- Royce!
- Stella!
- Ted?!
- Tony?
- Tony?
- Ted?
Barney?
Look, there's something I need to say.
A long time ago,
A long time ago,
I let this beautiful girl Stella
I let a horrible girl named Stella
Break my heart...
Get away...
And now she's with this jerk
who wrote a movie about it
and that movie is called...
<i>The Wedding Bride.
What are you saying?
You can't talk to me like that!
I'm Jed Mosely!
I'm Ted Mosely!
But Royce, this dufus in the red
cowboy boots, this isn't me.
So, just to be clear,
are you saying you that
you don't have a pair of red
cowboy boots in your closet?
- Barney what are you...
- I just wanted...
They're actually more
of a burgundy.
Royce, I promised
Stella, I promised
to make you some pancakes.
To make you my wife.
And I'd like to
live up to that promise.
Ted, all I've wanted all my
life Ted, all I've wanted all week
...was your love.
...was some pancakes.
Oh, go on, honey, kiss him!
Kiss him.
Kiss him, kiss him,
Um, Uncle Barney didn't say "kiss".
Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him,
<i>Still not saying "kiss."
Kiss him!
<i>Sir, you need to leave, now.
<i>This is outrageous.
Who the kiss are you?
Royce, if you still...
If you still truly love me...
...kind of like me...
...can you let me make you
- My wedding bride?
- Can you let me make you some pancakes?
Can-do's-ville, babydoll.
Daddy! Kiss this!
Kissin' movie's over anyway.
Sir...
Oh. Oops. Oops.
Hey, um...
...that stuff
that happened to me,
it was pretty rough.
I'm, uh, I'm still
getting over it.
Let me help you with that.
And just like that, kids,
My baggage didn't seem quite
so heavy anymore.
<i>You see, everyone's
got some baggage--
<i>it's part of life--
but like anything else,
<i>it's easier when someone
gives you a hand with it.
Wow, it feels so good to have told you
all that stuff about me.
I'm really glad I can open up to you.
Ted, it's not
that big of a deal.
Heck, I've been
left at the altar.
Three times.
The last time was because I blew
all our money on online poker.
That's why I live
with my brother now.
Wait, I... I thought you said
you had a tiny studio apartment.
Just the two of us,
You should see how he hogs the covers.
Yeah, you gotta go.
in your 2os dating is great,
<i>but by the time you reach your
3os, you find out pretty fast
<i>everyone has baggage.
<i>Sure, you can stick
to the small talk
<i>and pretend it's not there,
but sooner or later...
It's my ex.
Sorry. We're trying
to remain friends.
Hi, pumpkin!
Did you get our
tickets to Maui?
<i>Yeah, it's there.
That spring I just started dating
a girl named Royce.
<i>She was smart, beautiful...
Blah-blah-blah,
we're very happy together.
But...
Exactly.
That's the problem.
Her butt?
What is it, too much?
Too little?
Or is it an issue of access?
No, the "but" is, there's
always gonna be a "but."
No matter how great things
are going,
sooner or later,
it's gonna get ruined.
When she turns 30.
When I find out
what her baggage is.
It's there.
I don't know what it is,
but when I do, party's over.
Whoa. Ted,
please tell me
you are not impugning
emotional baggage.
Baggage is a good thing?
Emotional baggage
is the bedrock
of America's most important
cultural export.
Porn.
Actually, it's porn.
Only women with major baggage
go into porn.
Major Baggage.
Ted, everyone has baggage.
You just got to look past it.
Really? 'Cause the last time
I looked past a girl's baggage,
that baggage belonged
to a girl named Stella,
and, oh, I'm drawing
a blank here.
How did that work out again?
<i>Here's how it worked out.
Marry me.
<i>I asked her to marry me.
She said yes.
<i>We were happy. But then the day
of the wedding,
<i>her karate instructor
<i>ex-boyfriend Tony Grafanello
showed up,
<i>declared his love for her,
<i>and Stella ran off with him
to California,
<i>leaving me utterly and
completely heartbroken.
Ted, look,
what happened with
Stella was awful,
but that doesn't mean
anyone with baggage
is undateable.
Well, I'm just glad
that we met young enough
that I don't have any baggage.
Mother issues.
I do not.
Grandmother issues.
Definitely do not.
Great-grandmother issues.
I just don't like it when she picks me up.
And you know what
your biggest baggage is?
You're too nice.
How is being nice baggage?
Have you ever seen you
walk down the street?
I don't even know
how to answer hat.
Well, let me help you out.
Michael!
Javier, Marcello!
Susanne.
Hey, Deng, let me
help you with that.
That ought to do it.
Oh, guys, no.
I could not today.
It would just be...
That's normal.
There is only one street
where that is normal.
Here's a hint:
A giant yellow bird
lives on it.
Well, I'll be pretty happy
if Royce's only baggage is
that she's too nice.
Too nice?
That is the worst kind of baggage.
Best baggage:
Hates her dad
and thinks she's
fat, but isn't.
Angry sex on the first date,
and then as soon as
you mention breakfast,
she's gone.
Why do guys hang out with me?
<i>That night on
my date with Royce,
<i>I kept waiting to see
what her baggage would be.
So, is spaghetti
your specialty?
Uh, no. The main event
is my pancakes.
I'll make 'em for you sometime.
They are insane.
My dad used to make
multigrain pancakes.
He's the one who got
me working in porn.
You know PORN?
"Parents Offering
Recognition and Nutrition"?
It's a charity
for inner-city teens
who don't have access to
sports or healthy food.
That reminds me...
I killed my brother...
With this joke
I told him last night.
A barber, a stripper
and a Jew...
...lliard-trained violinist
walk into a bar.
<i>I looked and looked and looked,
but it really appeared
<i>as though there was no baggage
to worry about...
<i>until we went
to go see a movie.
♪ ♪
Oh, no.
Hey, what took you guys so long?
Nothing.
Forget about it.
We were on our way here,
and Marshall wanted
to stop and help some guys load
their moving van.
To be nice.
It didn't cost nothing.
D when the moving van
drove away,
who should show up
but the owner of the apartment
we had just helped
some guys rob.
And that one was hard
to explain to the police.
See, Marshall?
This is what I mean.
You can't treat New York City
like it's the small, friendly,
crime-free, inbred, backwoods,
Podunk, cow-tipping, Minnesota
Hickville where you grew up.
Crime-free?
Yeah.
Crime-free? In 1994,
the cashier from the feed store
was held up at hoepoint.
And besides,
I like being friendly, okay?
I'm not gonna change that
about myself.
No, don't change, baby.
I think it's sweet.
Sweet, sweet.
Sweet mother of God,
he's an idiot sometimes.
He actually lent the burglars
gas money.
He gave them money?
Not gave, lent.
They said that they would
send us a check,
so Marshall gave them
our address.
What's to stop them
from coming
to our apartment one night
and maybe tying me up?
I mean, sure,
Marshall and I like to pretend,
but the reality is scary.
Why don't you say something
to him?
What's the point?
<i>He's from Minnesota.
His high school mascot
was a hug.
Hey, guys.
Hey!
How'd the date with Royce go?
It was interesting.
We went to see
<i>that new movie
The Wedding Bride.
Oh, how was it?!
Not that I care.
I mean, that's a chick flick.
This one'll probably drag me
to it,
like, the 7:10 show
tomorrow night or 9:40 because
I have that meeting.
But I can probably get o of it,
so let's try for the 7:10.
What's that
movie about, anyway?
That's the interesting part.
Hey, bonehead,
I'm Jed Mosely!
I'm the most powerful
and corrupt architect
in New York.
I want...
It's about me.
<i>The Wedding Bride is about you?
Yeah.
Okay, are you sure
it's about you?
<i>Because when I saw Spaceballs
for the first time,
I could have sworn...
<i>This movie is
about me, Marshall.
It was written
by Tony Grafanello.
Tony Grafanello?
That's the...
Yeah, the guy
that Stella left me for.
This movie is the
whole story of our breakup.
Why would he write
a movie about that?
Isn't he the bad guy
in that story?
Yeah, and the good guy is a guy
named Ted Mosby.
Funny, that was my
memory of it, too.
But according to the movie...
Mr.
Mosley, your fiancé is here.
Great, the old ball and chain.
I can't wait to make her move
out of her beautiful house
in New Jersey and come live with
me in an apartment above a bar.
Send her in!
Ah!
Stella, to what do I owe
the pleasure?
We're supposed to taste wedding
cakes this afternoon, remember?
Ouch!
No-can-do's-ville, baby doll.
Whoa!
Aw...
Well, I am stunned.
Right?
That's what passes for comedy
these days?
"Whoa, I'm falling back
in my chair!
Whoa!"
Whoa. I'm really falling back
in my chair.
Oh, baby!
Okay, that was pretty funny.
What a jerk.
Did he at least get
someone hot to play me?
You're not in it.
What a jerk!
No. No, no, no,
Tony's not a jerk.
Not according
to the movie, anyway.
I'm going through
with this wedding.
I'm sorry, Tony.
Stella, your happiness is
the only thing I care about,
except for these underprivileged
children
that I work with for free.
Aw...!
I love him.
It's not that easy, Tony.
Jed Mosely may not be
as handsome as you are,
as...
Tall as you are...
<i>I'm taller than that guy.
...and our sex life is terrible.
Once, he even fell asleep
while we were doing it.
I mean...
It was one time.
I was on cold medicine!
What?
Nothing.
<i>This is a terrible movie!
And it got everything wrong!
Re-Remember how I proposed
to Stella?
<i>That spontaneous moment
in the arcade;
<i>I didn't have a ring,
<i>so I gave her a toy I won
from a crane machine?
Oh, that was so sweet.
So romantic.
A little cheesy.
Well, here's how it went
Look, if it'll shut you up,
I guess we can get married.
Aren't you gonna give me a ring?
No-can-do's-ville, baby doll.
Here, put is on your finger.
Hey!
And remember
the two-minute date?
When I squeezed an entire
romantic evening
<i>into just two minutes
<i>to accommodate
Stella's busy schedule?
Oh, Ted,
you're such a good guy.
That was really nice.
Also a little cheesy.
Well, according to the movie...
What about our big
romantic weekend?
No-can-do's-ville, baby doll.
Alls I got time for is
a two-minute date,
if you know
what I mean. Sex!
Whoa!
Aw...!
Hey, if you know
what you're doing,
two minutes is all you need.
Run tell DAT.
<i>But the worst,
the worst was the ending.
So they're at the wedding...
Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosely
to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
I...
Whoa-oh! Spoilers!
Is what, is what I would say
if ever plan on seeing
such an awful film!
Continue.
So they're at the wedding...
I...
Stella!
Tony!
Tony?!
Something I need to say.
A long time ago,
I let this beautiful girl
named Stella
get away.
And now she's with
some jerk
who doesn't appreciate
what he has in this
beautiful wedding bride.
Aw...!
What is wrong with you people?!
You can't talk to me like that!
I'm Ted Mosely!
Did he say "Ted" that time?
Shh!
Stella, I promised
to make you my wife.
And I'd like to live up
to that promise.
Oh, Tony, all I've wanted
all my life was your love.
Oh, go on, honey, kiss him.
Kiss him! Kiss him!
Stella, if you still
truly love me...
Kiss him! Kiss him!
Will you let me make you
my wedding bride?
Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!
Can-do's-ville, baby doll.
No, no, no!
Stop doing that!
Daddy!
Take that, Ted Mosby!
Okay, he definitely
said it that time.
Oh, my God!
That was so good!
I'm laughing, I'm crying.
I... I know
it's all fake,
but didn't those seem
like real characters?
It was just so real!
Hey, how come
you said, "Oh, no"
when the movie started?
<i>That's when I realized
everyone has baggage...
<i>including me.
Oh, uh, no reason.
Ted, I think you need
to tell Royce the story
of what happened
with you and Stella.
It-it's gonna come out
eventually.
Why? Why does it
even have to?
Well, for starters,
it's now the fifth
highest grossing movie
of all time.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I'm taking this to the grave.
It's a stupid movie anyway!
Sounds terrible.
I would never go
see that film because
I support you and I love you.
<i>Kids, you know
where this is going.
Well, she's made her choice.
Don't worry.
I won't go to the wedding.
Oh, you'll go all right!
I'm gonna drive you there myself
and make you watch!
Billy, no!
The code.
This is exactly how it happened.
He got every part right.
Even the thing
with the nunchucks.
<i>So I was resolved
to put The Wedding Bride
<i>as far behind me as possible.
<i>Unfortunately...
<i>Oh, how great was
The Wedding Bride?
Oh! Loved it!
Loved it, loved it, loved it!
We're going to see it again tomorrow.
Oh, can we come?
Ted, you want to see it
again, right?
Yeah, it was good.
"Good"?
Try instant classic!
The only thing wrong
with it--
and I mean, it's such
a minor flaw
in an otherwise
flawless film--
is, I just didn't get
why Stella would even want
to marry a guy like Jed Mosely
in the first place.
I mean, even that guy's
name: Jed Mosely....
Come on, Royce.
You've dated
a few Jed Moselys in your day.
Well, okay, but who hasn't?
He's such a type;
The butterfly tattoo,
the way he pronounces
encyclopedia.
Ugh!
Encyclo-pay-dia.
Totally, totally.
Well, technically,
that is the correct
pronunciation.
I was so, so happy
when that loser got left
at the altar.
And you know why?
Because he had it coming. Mm-hmm.
And the great part is, he is
gonna live a long, sad life,
knowing that he lost
his only chance at happiness.
Oh, and what about when he
got beat up by the goat?!
So funny!
What a loser!
Totally.
Totally!
I mean, the guy's
life was shattered
in a very public humiliation.
What a hoot!
It may be years before he can look
certain family members
in the eye again.
He may be so emotionally traumatized,
he never fully loves or trusts
anyone ever again.
It was hysterical!
Move over, Adolf Hitler,
there's a new king
of comedy, right?
Ted, are you okay?
No, I just think you all might be interested
to learn something
about that movie you all love so much.
It sucks...
And you're all stupid
for liking it.
Wow. That was really mean and
I think you owe us an apology.
No-can-do's-ville, baby doll...
No-can-do's-ville...
You said, "No-can-do's-
ville, baby doll"?
You actually used
Jed Mosely's catchphrase?
I know! I was just
so upset that they...
How do you know
that's his catchphrase?
You dragged me into it. I didn't wanna go.
I wanted to see Avatar.
That's it. I'm just gonna move
to some country
<i>where no one's seen
The Wedding Bride.
Good luck, Ted.
That movie is worldwide.
It's huge.
Maybe North Korea?
Nope. I read
that Kim Jong IL said
it's his second favorite movie
of all time.
Right behind a movie of him
riding a horse in slow motion
Sorry, Ted.
You're screwed.
No, Ted, you know what, no,
Ted is not screwed.
Do you guys want to know
why I'm nice to everyone?
It's because I don't care bout baggage.
I mean, most people, they see
another person walking down the street
with that big heavy bag
they're carrying,
and they just walk on by.
But not me.
I look at them and I say,
I say, "Howdy, stranger.
Can I give you a hand
with that?"
And you know who taught me
to be that way?
A guy called Ted Mosby.
A guy who's uncynical and sincere
and believed in things.
And you know what, Ted?
I believe that deep down,
you're still that guy.
<i>I am still that guy.
I think you want to go out there
and get that girl.
I want to get out there and get that girl.
- Because she's the love of your life.
- Because she's...
Oh, well, we're three dates in.
She seems nice.
Because she seems nice!
<i>She does seem nice!
You're right, Marshall.
I gotta go get her.
And I know exactly where she is.
The wedding's in 15 minutes.
I'll never make it!
You can do it, Sensei.
Go get love a house round kick.
Right in the heart.
You're right. What am I doing?!
There's still time!
Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosely
To be your lawfully wedded husband,
I...
- Royce!
- Stella!
- Ted?!
- Tony?
- Tony?
- Ted?
Barney?
Look, there's something I need to say.
A long time ago,
A long time ago,
I let this beautiful girl Stella
I let a horrible girl named Stella
Break my heart...
Get away...
And now she's with this jerk
who wrote a movie about it
and that movie is called...
<i>The Wedding Bride.
What are you saying?
You can't talk to me like that!
I'm Jed Mosely!
I'm Ted Mosely!
But Royce, this dufus in the red
cowboy boots, this isn't me.
So, just to be clear,
are you saying you that
you don't have a pair of red
cowboy boots in your closet?
- Barney what are you...
- I just wanted...
They're actually more
of a burgundy.
Royce, I promised
Stella, I promised
to make you some pancakes.
To make you my wife.
And I'd like to
live up to that promise.
Ted, all I've wanted all my
life Ted, all I've wanted all week
...was your love.
...was some pancakes.
Oh, go on, honey, kiss him!
Kiss him.
Kiss him, kiss him,
Um, Uncle Barney didn't say "kiss".
Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him,
<i>Still not saying "kiss."
Kiss him!
<i>Sir, you need to leave, now.
<i>This is outrageous.
Who the kiss are you?
Royce, if you still...
If you still truly love me...
...kind of like me...
...can you let me make you
- My wedding bride?
- Can you let me make you some pancakes?
Can-do's-ville, babydoll.
Daddy! Kiss this!
Kissin' movie's over anyway.
Sir...
Oh. Oops. Oops.
Hey, um...
...that stuff
that happened to me,
it was pretty rough.
I'm, uh, I'm still
getting over it.
Let me help you with that.
And just like that, kids,
My baggage didn't seem quite
so heavy anymore.
<i>You see, everyone's
got some baggage--
<i>it's part of life--
but like anything else,
<i>it's easier when someone
gives you a hand with it.
Wow, it feels so good to have told you
all that stuff about me.
I'm really glad I can open up to you.
Ted, it's not
that big of a deal.
Heck, I've been
left at the altar.
Three times.
The last time was because I blew
all our money on online poker.
That's why I live
with my brother now.
Wait, I... I thought you said
you had a tiny studio apartment.
Just the two of us,
You should see how he hogs the covers.
Yeah, you gotta go.
How I Met Your Mother - S05E22 - Robots vs Wrestlers
Guess what I've got
behind my back.
Wait, wait, wait,
I got this one. Left.
Wrong game. But correct.
<i>Five front-row tickets
to Robots vs. Wrestlers.
<i>Robots vs. Wrestlers?
That is awesome!
<i>You've heard of
Robots vs. Wrestlers?
Never. But we assume it's
some sort of sporting event
That pits robots
against wrestlers!
That's exactly what it is,
According to the Web site!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who's the fifth ticket for?
Uh... Robin.
I know--
She moved in with her boyfriend
And said she doesn't want
to hang out with us anymore,
<i>But this is Robots
vs. Wrestlers.
<i>Robots...
<i>Vs. Wrestlers!
Barney is right.
It's impossible
to say no to that.
No to that.
I wish I could, but I
Have plans with don on Saturday.
He's making me Chinese.
I'll assume you're
talking about food,
Otherwise, I have some
follow-up questions.
Oh, I'm sorry, Lily,
But I got to give this thing
with don a chance.
And I can't do that if I'm out
drinking with you guys
Every single night--
especially when "you guys"
Includes two
of my ex-boyfriends.
I understand.
You're right.
It's just we
all really miss you.
Aw, I miss you, too.
Oh, listen, I got to go.
Talk soon?
Okay, bye.
Sorry, New York,
I had to take that.
Now, where were we?
Yeah. Yes. Bus crash.
She said no?
How could she say no?
<i>Robots vs. Wrestlers
is our most important tradition
As a group.
Tradition? We've never
done this before?
<i>It's Robots vs. Wrestlers, Lily.
How is that not
gonna be a tradition?
Well...
This is how it starts.
First Robin moves in with don,
Then Marshall and Lily
have a baby,
Then Ted...
Gets married?
I was gonna say,
"is found alone
In his apartment
devoured by his cats,"
But either way, not pretty.
Everyone's
Leaving me,
and I don't like it!
Oh, Barney, you
don't have to worry
About Marshall
and me having kids.
<i>That's a long way
down the road.
Exactly-- it's,
uh, down the road,
A medium way.
A medium-long way.
I mean, you can see it ahead.
In the vast, vast distance.
But you're already seeing
exit signs for it.
Really? I didn't see any.
You might want to get
in the right lane.
I understand
how you feel, Barney.
Friendships are important.
In fact, Emerson wrote
A great poem entitled
"friendship."
You guys are gonna love this.
"a ruddy drop of manly blood,
the surging sea outweighs..."
<i>That's how it had
always been for me with the gang
<i>Any time I tried to get
a little high-minded.
You guys, you've got
to try this syrah.
Hints of creme de cassis,
red berries,
Toasty oak...
Hmm.
Five letters, blank baritone.
Of course! Lyric baritone!
Which is actually higher
than a dramatic baritone.
You know, there's
a telling moment
<i>In the second act
of la bohème...
Guys, come on, I'm
just trying to add
A little class to
these proceedings.
It's like that line
<i>From Dante's inferno.
You were not born
to live like brutes."
"but to follow virtue
and knowledge""
Or...
In the original Italian...
<font color="#EC14BD">Sync by honeybunny</font>
<font color="#EC14BD">www.addic7ed.com</font>
You guys are right.
I'm totally overreacting
To this whole Robin thing.
What's this envelope?
Is this a wedding invitation?
Robin's marrying don.
I'm gonna die alone!
Ted's gonna get eaten by cats!
Dude,
Relax-- it's for Marissa Heller.
Marissa Heller?
She sounds hot.
Face, boobs, describe.
Start with boobs.
<i>Who was Marissa Heller?
<i>That mystery began
when Marshall and I
<i>First moved in together.
Ted! We got our
first mail delivery!
We are popular.
We've got
A golf magazine for...
Marissa Heller,
We've got a wicker
furniture catalog,
Also for Marissa Heller,
And...
A coupon for a bird store...
Addressed to Marissa Heller or--
stay with me--
"current occupant."
That's us!
We've got mail!
Fantastic!
Marissa Heller?
She must be the woman
who lived here before us.
I wonder what she was like.
<i>And just like that,
<i>A picture began
to take shape...
<i>A picture of Marissa Heller,
the golfer...
<i>...Marissa Heller,
the wicker catalog shopper...
<i>Marissa Heller,
the bird owner.
And since then, with each
piece of mail we've gotten,
The picture's become
a little clearer.
The only thing
We don't know is
what she looks like.
Well, I guess
I'll forward this along
Like I've been forwarding...
Oh, just open it.
Okay.
It's an invitation
to Jefferson van Smoot's
Annual spring social
this Saturday night...
In the penthouse apartment
of the Alberta!
You guys... That's the most
beautiful building in Manhattan!
We-we got to go
to this party.
That depends-- does it say
anything on that invitation
About robots battling wrestlers
for intergalactic supremacy?
No, but it says open bar.
Revised agenda
Free booze
at Marissa Heller's party,
<i>Then Robots vs. Wrestlers.
One of us just
Needs to pretend
to be Marissa Heller.
guys, I'm flattered,
But I think Lily should do it.
<i>So the big night arrived.
<i>Our first stop...
<i>The Alberta building.
Wow! This building is amazing!
Did you guys see
the Porte Cochere
And the Terra-cotta
spandrels outside?
Oh, my God, look!
I just got a text from Robin.
It says...
Okay, guys, huddle up.
Now, Lil, you can do
this-- all you have to do
Is look that guy in the eye,
say your name
Is Marissa Heller,
and we are golden.
And again, just so
we're clear, no accent.
Are we sure
she's not British, isn't it?
No! No!
No!
All right! Here I go.
I'm doing it.
Hi.
Hello.
Ooh. Sorry.
Go ahead.
I'm here for
the van Smoot party.
My name is Marissa Heller.
Bollocks.
So that's Marissa Heller.
Huh.
<i>She fine.
Her teeth look really nice.
She must be remembering
to go to the dentist
Even without those
reminder postcards.
So, what are we doing?
I'm getting us into
the party, that's what!
Marissa Heller!
Barney Stinson!
We met at that gathering for...
Bird owners.
I don't think so.
Wicker lovers?
No.
Stinson out.
Guys, it's not gonna happen.
I got this.
You know, this elevator
still uses the same mechanism
From when it was first
installed in 1906.
Rumor is,
Louis Lamar Skolnick,
The architect who
designed this building,
Carved these panels himself.
Oh, a Skolnick fan?
Well...
I love
His juxtaposition between
The north German
renaissance exterior...
And the decidedly French
influence on the inside! I know!
He was an architect
With the soul of a poet, really.
No, no, no, don't, don't.
- It's working.
- You know,
I have a confession to make.
We're not on the guest list,
But... I've always wanted to see
the inside of the Alberta.
Well, then right this way.
We're all together.
Told you I'd get us in.
So...
<i>Anyone been watching
the young and the restless?
awesome!
<i>Who ordered
soap opera illustrated?
Huh. Marissa Heller,
I like your style.
Anyone?
Am I to understand
that there isn't
A single soap opera fan
in this entire elevator, Hmm?
I don't own a TV.
The only operas I watch
Are at the met.
Dibs.
Ah. Excuse me.
Jefferson, darling.
Wow, I am not dressed for this.
One word, made up:
"douche-pocalypse""
Guys... That's
Peter Bogdanovich
Talking to Arianna Huffington
and Will Shortz,
Editor of the new
York times crossword!
Look, let's give
this party a chance, okay?
There's free food, free booze.
20 minutes, then we can leave.
But, you see,
music was changing,
And Giovanni Artusi
simply didn't understand
The new style of composing.
Excuse me, are you
talking about Monteverdi
<i>And his fourth book
of madrigals?
My dear chap, what else?
That's my favorite
book of madrigals!
Smoked Foie gras
With caramelized mango
and crème fraîche?
Hey, uh, hey, guy,
Do you have anything in the
mini cheeseburger department?
I don't think so, sir.
No? Mini pizzas?
Little cups of fries?
Any food at all that'll
make me feel like a giant?
I'll check, sir.
He's not gonna check.
I'm performing
open-heart surgery
On the dutch ambassador
in the morning.
I hope he pulls through.
Really? A colleague of mine
just prescribed cumadin
To the dutch ambassador.
And there's no way
<i>She'd be on anticoagulants
<i>If she were about
to undergo surgery.
Just...
Okay?
You know who published
a great article
On Walt Whitman
and the politics of semantics?
Professor Hammersmith of Oxford.
<i>I am Professor Hammersmith.
Wha...?!
...Which is exactly what
truffaut was talking about
<i>In his 1954 article
in Cahiers Du Cinéma.
Film is an auteur's
medium, full stop.
Movies...
Right?
Actors.
Willem Dafoe.
Funny thing
about Willem Dafoe--
Uh, his name kind of
sounds like a frog...
Talking to a parrot.
Willem.
Defoe!
Willem.
Defoe!
No?
As undersecretary
of the treasury,
I had a big hand in crafting
that legislation.
Now... I wonder
If you'd like to join me
in the map room
<i>And give my package
some stimulus.
I'm afraid not, darling.
You are too old for my taste.
Okay, Zsa Zsa Gabor is still
looking pretty hot,
But otherwise,
This party sucks.
Yeah, well, we
gave it a chance.
It's been 20 minutes.
Let's get out of here.
Where's Ted?
Yeah.
I know how to find him.
Just give me one...
Mm.
Gongs, right?
Uh, louder than you think.
Young man, that gong
is a 500-year-old relic
That hasn't been struck
since W.S. Gilbert hit it
<i>At the London premiere
of the Mikado in 1885.
Wife is a 500 year relic that
hasn't been struck since W.S. Gilbert hit it
at the London premiere
of the Mikado in 1885.
Guys, Will Schorz, editor
of the Times' crossword.
You know how I've been
saying they always use ulee
<i>From Ulee's gold
because of the vowels?
Well, tell 'em,
will. Tell 'em.
It's because of the vowels.
It's because of the vowels!
Oh, wow. Ted, can I talk
to you just for a second?
Hey, will, ten-letter-word for
diminutive egg-based torte?
Mini-quiche? Where?!
Right there.
Such a great party. Such a
Great party! Yeah, totally, Ted.
It's time to go.
<i>It's Robots
vs. Wrestlers o'clock.
Oh.
Ted.
There you are.
We'll be blind taste-testing
French whites in a bit.
Should be a hoot and a half.
Well, I decan't miss that.
I know.
You don't have to say it.
You don't decant white wine.
Miss Lily in the living
room with the candlestick.
Oh, my heavens, no!
That was Edgar Allan Poe's!
Sorry!
Uh, guys, listen,
I'm having fun here,
<i>So I think I'm gonna skip
Robots vs. Wrestlers.
But Ted, you've never missed
Robots vs. Wrestlers!
No! No! No! No!
No! No! No!
No! No! No! No! No!
Ted, this isn't happening.
First Robin ditches us,
and now you?
And for these stuffy,
pretentious snoots?!
Actually, I kind of like these
stuffy, pretentious snoots.
They don't make fart noises
every time I open my mouth.
Now, look, I'm going to stay.
- I'll see you guys tomorrow.
- Yeah.
Come on, Barney.
It's just one night.
It doesn't mean anything.
Oh, it means everything.
<i>Ted, if you don't come
to Robots vs. Wrestlers,
It's the end of our friendship.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Fine. Then you are out
of our gang forever.
You can reapply in two years.
Marshall, Lily,
Let's go watch
Wrestlers fight robots.
So embarrassing.
I forgot something.
So Ted, where did those chums
of yours scoot off to?
Oh, you know.
Poetry reading.
Best tradition ever!
Don't humor me, Marshall.
Let's face it.
The gang is over.
Ted's gone. Robin's gone.
We might as well just go
our separate ways.
God, Barney, enough
with t a abandonment issues.
Ted's allowed to have a life
outside of the group.
We all are.
Wait a minute.
Why are you saying that
all of a sudden?
Oh, God, you're pregnant!
No.
Oh, God, you
already had the baby!
It's right behind me, isn't it?
No, you idiot.
It's just, eventually,
we're all gonna move on.
It's called growing up.
Is that all you got, bitch?
But can you at least promise me
That you won't get pregnant
for another year?
I can't make that promise.
You can't?!
You can't?!
Hmm?
Citrus and honeycomb flavors
with crisp acidity.
It's a sauv blanc, Loire valley.
Town of Sancerre.
Ah. Correct again!
Bravo, boy!
No! You can't
have kids!
You don't want to bring a child
Into this crazy,
messed-up world.
I don't know.
The world seems pretty awesome
right now, Barney.
Okay, Lily,
you leave me no choice.
If you have a daughter, the day,
Nay, the minute she turns 18...
Gong!
Oh, my God!
Hey, but Lily.
Lily... Babies.
Oh!
I hope
Ted is miserable right now.
♪ constance fry,
constance fry ♪
♪ anytime you'd call ♪
♪ constance would fulfill
your needs ♪
♪ winter, spring ♪
♪ or fall. ♪
Ted, your lyric baritone
is outstanding.
Thank you, Will Shortz.
Fine, you guys can have a baby,
1) you promise to always
love me more than the baby;
2) once a month, I get to use
the baby to pick up chicks;
3) that may involve
the baby falling
From a two-story window
and me heroically catching it;
4) no breastfeeding
in front of me;
5) forget about four.
You can whip them out
whenever you want.
<i>And then, something
amazing happened.
Holy crap!
I don't believe it.
Well, of course, hell is an
interesting concept, isn't it?
I've always loved to imagine it
<i>As Dante did in
the divine comedy.
If you'll allow me.
In the original Italian.
<i>I cannot believe this.
<i>I'm reciting
the divine comedy
<i>In its original Italian,
<i>And nobody's making
fart noises!
<i>Wow, this is weird.
<i>Never gotten this far.
<i>You know, I actually sound
kind of douchey.
<i>My God, I'm out of control!
<i>Listen to me.
I'm completely unleashed.
<i>I'm the biggest douche
on the planet.
<i>Ugh! I wish
somebody would stop me.
<i>And then, somebody did.
<i>Kids, I think I told you
how earlier that year,
<i>We had seen some doppelgangers
of ourselves around town.
<i>There was lesbian Robin.
<i>There was moustache Marshall.
<i>And, of course, stripper Lily.
<i>Well, that night,
<i>One more doppelganger
surfaced--
<i>Mexican wrestler Ted.
<i>Soy el conquistador
de las máquinas!
Oh!
Oh!
I got to go.
Rule number 83.
If anything
that comes out of that baby
Gets on one of my suits,
I get to touch Lily's boobs.
Dude, what is it with you
and my wife's boobs tonight?
Hey, hey,
I don't make the rules.
Baby, are you really starting
to think about this?
I don't know.
Maybe a little.
Okay.
Well, for whatever it's worth,
I think that we're ready.
I mean, look,
We love each other,
We're financially stable,
and honestly, I don't think
It would change our lifestyle
all that much.
<i>Aunt Lily still likes
<i>To remind Uncle Marshall
he once said this.
Marshall, if we were at home
with a baby tonight,
We never would have seen
Ted's doppelganger.
Imagine missing that.
How would that feel?
I would blame that child
for the rest of his life.
Exactly.
For the rest of her life.
Okay, you're right.
There's, there's no hurry.
Okay, how about this?
We agree there's no sense
in having a baby
Until we've seen
all five doppelgangers, right?
Of course. Stands to reason.
Okay, so when we finally see
Barney's doppelganger,
That's the universe
telling us it's go time.
And that's when
we'll start trying. Deal?
Deal.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Well, well, look who thinks
He can just waltz in here
And be part of the gang again.
Well, you can forget it.
Listen, Barney, I...
Please be part
of the gang again!
I don't want
to lose anyone else!
We're all really sorry.
We'll even let you recite
all the douchey poems you want,
And we'll never, never say
a bad thing about it, I promise.
Really? Because
There actually is a poem
I'd like to recite--
"friendship" by
Ralph Waldo Emerson.
"a ruddy drop of manly blood,
the surging sea outweighs.
The world uncertain
comes and goes..""
I'm sorry.
Someone had to do that.
Who wants another drink?
I'm buying.
<i>Kids, I'd love to
tell you that over e e years,
<i>We didn't all drift apart
a little
<i>At one time or another.
<i>You don't mean
for it to happen, but it does.
<i>But no matter what,
to this day,
<i>Come hell or high water,
<i>We still all get together
every year
<i>For Robots vs. Wrestlers.
Good night! Thanks a lot.
I had a great time.
Willem.
Dafoe!
Willem.
Dafoe!
Willem.
Dafoe!
behind my back.
Wait, wait, wait,
I got this one. Left.
Wrong game. But correct.
<i>Five front-row tickets
to Robots vs. Wrestlers.
<i>Robots vs. Wrestlers?
That is awesome!
<i>You've heard of
Robots vs. Wrestlers?
Never. But we assume it's
some sort of sporting event
That pits robots
against wrestlers!
That's exactly what it is,
According to the Web site!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who's the fifth ticket for?
Uh... Robin.
I know--
She moved in with her boyfriend
And said she doesn't want
to hang out with us anymore,
<i>But this is Robots
vs. Wrestlers.
<i>Robots...
<i>Vs. Wrestlers!
Barney is right.
It's impossible
to say no to that.
No to that.
I wish I could, but I
Have plans with don on Saturday.
He's making me Chinese.
I'll assume you're
talking about food,
Otherwise, I have some
follow-up questions.
Oh, I'm sorry, Lily,
But I got to give this thing
with don a chance.
And I can't do that if I'm out
drinking with you guys
Every single night--
especially when "you guys"
Includes two
of my ex-boyfriends.
I understand.
You're right.
It's just we
all really miss you.
Aw, I miss you, too.
Oh, listen, I got to go.
Talk soon?
Okay, bye.
Sorry, New York,
I had to take that.
Now, where were we?
Yeah. Yes. Bus crash.
She said no?
How could she say no?
<i>Robots vs. Wrestlers
is our most important tradition
As a group.
Tradition? We've never
done this before?
<i>It's Robots vs. Wrestlers, Lily.
How is that not
gonna be a tradition?
Well...
This is how it starts.
First Robin moves in with don,
Then Marshall and Lily
have a baby,
Then Ted...
Gets married?
I was gonna say,
"is found alone
In his apartment
devoured by his cats,"
But either way, not pretty.
Everyone's
Leaving me,
and I don't like it!
Oh, Barney, you
don't have to worry
About Marshall
and me having kids.
<i>That's a long way
down the road.
Exactly-- it's,
uh, down the road,
A medium way.
A medium-long way.
I mean, you can see it ahead.
In the vast, vast distance.
But you're already seeing
exit signs for it.
Really? I didn't see any.
You might want to get
in the right lane.
I understand
how you feel, Barney.
Friendships are important.
In fact, Emerson wrote
A great poem entitled
"friendship."
You guys are gonna love this.
"a ruddy drop of manly blood,
the surging sea outweighs..."
<i>That's how it had
always been for me with the gang
<i>Any time I tried to get
a little high-minded.
You guys, you've got
to try this syrah.
Hints of creme de cassis,
red berries,
Toasty oak...
Hmm.
Five letters, blank baritone.
Of course! Lyric baritone!
Which is actually higher
than a dramatic baritone.
You know, there's
a telling moment
<i>In the second act
of la bohème...
Guys, come on, I'm
just trying to add
A little class to
these proceedings.
It's like that line
<i>From Dante's inferno.
You were not born
to live like brutes."
"but to follow virtue
and knowledge""
Or...
In the original Italian...
<font color="#EC14BD">Sync by honeybunny</font>
<font color="#EC14BD">www.addic7ed.com</font>
You guys are right.
I'm totally overreacting
To this whole Robin thing.
What's this envelope?
Is this a wedding invitation?
Robin's marrying don.
I'm gonna die alone!
Ted's gonna get eaten by cats!
Dude,
Relax-- it's for Marissa Heller.
Marissa Heller?
She sounds hot.
Face, boobs, describe.
Start with boobs.
<i>Who was Marissa Heller?
<i>That mystery began
when Marshall and I
<i>First moved in together.
Ted! We got our
first mail delivery!
We are popular.
We've got
A golf magazine for...
Marissa Heller,
We've got a wicker
furniture catalog,
Also for Marissa Heller,
And...
A coupon for a bird store...
Addressed to Marissa Heller or--
stay with me--
"current occupant."
That's us!
We've got mail!
Fantastic!
Marissa Heller?
She must be the woman
who lived here before us.
I wonder what she was like.
<i>And just like that,
<i>A picture began
to take shape...
<i>A picture of Marissa Heller,
the golfer...
<i>...Marissa Heller,
the wicker catalog shopper...
<i>Marissa Heller,
the bird owner.
And since then, with each
piece of mail we've gotten,
The picture's become
a little clearer.
The only thing
We don't know is
what she looks like.
Well, I guess
I'll forward this along
Like I've been forwarding...
Oh, just open it.
Okay.
It's an invitation
to Jefferson van Smoot's
Annual spring social
this Saturday night...
In the penthouse apartment
of the Alberta!
You guys... That's the most
beautiful building in Manhattan!
We-we got to go
to this party.
That depends-- does it say
anything on that invitation
About robots battling wrestlers
for intergalactic supremacy?
No, but it says open bar.
Revised agenda
Free booze
at Marissa Heller's party,
<i>Then Robots vs. Wrestlers.
One of us just
Needs to pretend
to be Marissa Heller.
guys, I'm flattered,
But I think Lily should do it.
<i>So the big night arrived.
<i>Our first stop...
<i>The Alberta building.
Wow! This building is amazing!
Did you guys see
the Porte Cochere
And the Terra-cotta
spandrels outside?
Oh, my God, look!
I just got a text from Robin.
It says...
Okay, guys, huddle up.
Now, Lil, you can do
this-- all you have to do
Is look that guy in the eye,
say your name
Is Marissa Heller,
and we are golden.
And again, just so
we're clear, no accent.
Are we sure
she's not British, isn't it?
No! No!
No!
All right! Here I go.
I'm doing it.
Hi.
Hello.
Ooh. Sorry.
Go ahead.
I'm here for
the van Smoot party.
My name is Marissa Heller.
Bollocks.
So that's Marissa Heller.
Huh.
<i>She fine.
Her teeth look really nice.
She must be remembering
to go to the dentist
Even without those
reminder postcards.
So, what are we doing?
I'm getting us into
the party, that's what!
Marissa Heller!
Barney Stinson!
We met at that gathering for...
Bird owners.
I don't think so.
Wicker lovers?
No.
Stinson out.
Guys, it's not gonna happen.
I got this.
You know, this elevator
still uses the same mechanism
From when it was first
installed in 1906.
Rumor is,
Louis Lamar Skolnick,
The architect who
designed this building,
Carved these panels himself.
Oh, a Skolnick fan?
Well...
I love
His juxtaposition between
The north German
renaissance exterior...
And the decidedly French
influence on the inside! I know!
He was an architect
With the soul of a poet, really.
No, no, no, don't, don't.
- It's working.
- You know,
I have a confession to make.
We're not on the guest list,
But... I've always wanted to see
the inside of the Alberta.
Well, then right this way.
We're all together.
Told you I'd get us in.
So...
<i>Anyone been watching
the young and the restless?
awesome!
<i>Who ordered
soap opera illustrated?
Huh. Marissa Heller,
I like your style.
Anyone?
Am I to understand
that there isn't
A single soap opera fan
in this entire elevator, Hmm?
I don't own a TV.
The only operas I watch
Are at the met.
Dibs.
Ah. Excuse me.
Jefferson, darling.
Wow, I am not dressed for this.
One word, made up:
"douche-pocalypse""
Guys... That's
Peter Bogdanovich
Talking to Arianna Huffington
and Will Shortz,
Editor of the new
York times crossword!
Look, let's give
this party a chance, okay?
There's free food, free booze.
20 minutes, then we can leave.
But, you see,
music was changing,
And Giovanni Artusi
simply didn't understand
The new style of composing.
Excuse me, are you
talking about Monteverdi
<i>And his fourth book
of madrigals?
My dear chap, what else?
That's my favorite
book of madrigals!
Smoked Foie gras
With caramelized mango
and crème fraîche?
Hey, uh, hey, guy,
Do you have anything in the
mini cheeseburger department?
I don't think so, sir.
No? Mini pizzas?
Little cups of fries?
Any food at all that'll
make me feel like a giant?
I'll check, sir.
He's not gonna check.
I'm performing
open-heart surgery
On the dutch ambassador
in the morning.
I hope he pulls through.
Really? A colleague of mine
just prescribed cumadin
To the dutch ambassador.
And there's no way
<i>She'd be on anticoagulants
<i>If she were about
to undergo surgery.
Just...
Okay?
You know who published
a great article
On Walt Whitman
and the politics of semantics?
Professor Hammersmith of Oxford.
<i>I am Professor Hammersmith.
Wha...?!
...Which is exactly what
truffaut was talking about
<i>In his 1954 article
in Cahiers Du Cinéma.
Film is an auteur's
medium, full stop.
Movies...
Right?
Actors.
Willem Dafoe.
Funny thing
about Willem Dafoe--
Uh, his name kind of
sounds like a frog...
Talking to a parrot.
Willem.
Defoe!
Willem.
Defoe!
No?
As undersecretary
of the treasury,
I had a big hand in crafting
that legislation.
Now... I wonder
If you'd like to join me
in the map room
<i>And give my package
some stimulus.
I'm afraid not, darling.
You are too old for my taste.
Okay, Zsa Zsa Gabor is still
looking pretty hot,
But otherwise,
This party sucks.
Yeah, well, we
gave it a chance.
It's been 20 minutes.
Let's get out of here.
Where's Ted?
Yeah.
I know how to find him.
Just give me one...
Mm.
Gongs, right?
Uh, louder than you think.
Young man, that gong
is a 500-year-old relic
That hasn't been struck
since W.S. Gilbert hit it
<i>At the London premiere
of the Mikado in 1885.
Wife is a 500 year relic that
hasn't been struck since W.S. Gilbert hit it
at the London premiere
of the Mikado in 1885.
Guys, Will Schorz, editor
of the Times' crossword.
You know how I've been
saying they always use ulee
<i>From Ulee's gold
because of the vowels?
Well, tell 'em,
will. Tell 'em.
It's because of the vowels.
It's because of the vowels!
Oh, wow. Ted, can I talk
to you just for a second?
Hey, will, ten-letter-word for
diminutive egg-based torte?
Mini-quiche? Where?!
Right there.
Such a great party. Such a
Great party! Yeah, totally, Ted.
It's time to go.
<i>It's Robots
vs. Wrestlers o'clock.
Oh.
Ted.
There you are.
We'll be blind taste-testing
French whites in a bit.
Should be a hoot and a half.
Well, I decan't miss that.
I know.
You don't have to say it.
You don't decant white wine.
Miss Lily in the living
room with the candlestick.
Oh, my heavens, no!
That was Edgar Allan Poe's!
Sorry!
Uh, guys, listen,
I'm having fun here,
<i>So I think I'm gonna skip
Robots vs. Wrestlers.
But Ted, you've never missed
Robots vs. Wrestlers!
No! No! No! No!
No! No! No!
No! No! No! No! No!
Ted, this isn't happening.
First Robin ditches us,
and now you?
And for these stuffy,
pretentious snoots?!
Actually, I kind of like these
stuffy, pretentious snoots.
They don't make fart noises
every time I open my mouth.
Now, look, I'm going to stay.
- I'll see you guys tomorrow.
- Yeah.
Come on, Barney.
It's just one night.
It doesn't mean anything.
Oh, it means everything.
<i>Ted, if you don't come
to Robots vs. Wrestlers,
It's the end of our friendship.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Fine. Then you are out
of our gang forever.
You can reapply in two years.
Marshall, Lily,
Let's go watch
Wrestlers fight robots.
So embarrassing.
I forgot something.
So Ted, where did those chums
of yours scoot off to?
Oh, you know.
Poetry reading.
Best tradition ever!
Don't humor me, Marshall.
Let's face it.
The gang is over.
Ted's gone. Robin's gone.
We might as well just go
our separate ways.
God, Barney, enough
with t a abandonment issues.
Ted's allowed to have a life
outside of the group.
We all are.
Wait a minute.
Why are you saying that
all of a sudden?
Oh, God, you're pregnant!
No.
Oh, God, you
already had the baby!
It's right behind me, isn't it?
No, you idiot.
It's just, eventually,
we're all gonna move on.
It's called growing up.
Is that all you got, bitch?
But can you at least promise me
That you won't get pregnant
for another year?
I can't make that promise.
You can't?!
You can't?!
Hmm?
Citrus and honeycomb flavors
with crisp acidity.
It's a sauv blanc, Loire valley.
Town of Sancerre.
Ah. Correct again!
Bravo, boy!
No! You can't
have kids!
You don't want to bring a child
Into this crazy,
messed-up world.
I don't know.
The world seems pretty awesome
right now, Barney.
Okay, Lily,
you leave me no choice.
If you have a daughter, the day,
Nay, the minute she turns 18...
Gong!
Oh, my God!
Hey, but Lily.
Lily... Babies.
Oh!
I hope
Ted is miserable right now.
♪ constance fry,
constance fry ♪
♪ anytime you'd call ♪
♪ constance would fulfill
your needs ♪
♪ winter, spring ♪
♪ or fall. ♪
Ted, your lyric baritone
is outstanding.
Thank you, Will Shortz.
Fine, you guys can have a baby,
1) you promise to always
love me more than the baby;
2) once a month, I get to use
the baby to pick up chicks;
3) that may involve
the baby falling
From a two-story window
and me heroically catching it;
4) no breastfeeding
in front of me;
5) forget about four.
You can whip them out
whenever you want.
<i>And then, something
amazing happened.
Holy crap!
I don't believe it.
Well, of course, hell is an
interesting concept, isn't it?
I've always loved to imagine it
<i>As Dante did in
the divine comedy.
If you'll allow me.
In the original Italian.
<i>I cannot believe this.
<i>I'm reciting
the divine comedy
<i>In its original Italian,
<i>And nobody's making
fart noises!
<i>Wow, this is weird.
<i>Never gotten this far.
<i>You know, I actually sound
kind of douchey.
<i>My God, I'm out of control!
<i>Listen to me.
I'm completely unleashed.
<i>I'm the biggest douche
on the planet.
<i>Ugh! I wish
somebody would stop me.
<i>And then, somebody did.
<i>Kids, I think I told you
how earlier that year,
<i>We had seen some doppelgangers
of ourselves around town.
<i>There was lesbian Robin.
<i>There was moustache Marshall.
<i>And, of course, stripper Lily.
<i>Well, that night,
<i>One more doppelganger
surfaced--
<i>Mexican wrestler Ted.
<i>Soy el conquistador
de las máquinas!
Oh!
Oh!
I got to go.
Rule number 83.
If anything
that comes out of that baby
Gets on one of my suits,
I get to touch Lily's boobs.
Dude, what is it with you
and my wife's boobs tonight?
Hey, hey,
I don't make the rules.
Baby, are you really starting
to think about this?
I don't know.
Maybe a little.
Okay.
Well, for whatever it's worth,
I think that we're ready.
I mean, look,
We love each other,
We're financially stable,
and honestly, I don't think
It would change our lifestyle
all that much.
<i>Aunt Lily still likes
<i>To remind Uncle Marshall
he once said this.
Marshall, if we were at home
with a baby tonight,
We never would have seen
Ted's doppelganger.
Imagine missing that.
How would that feel?
I would blame that child
for the rest of his life.
Exactly.
For the rest of her life.
Okay, you're right.
There's, there's no hurry.
Okay, how about this?
We agree there's no sense
in having a baby
Until we've seen
all five doppelgangers, right?
Of course. Stands to reason.
Okay, so when we finally see
Barney's doppelganger,
That's the universe
telling us it's go time.
And that's when
we'll start trying. Deal?
Deal.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Well, well, look who thinks
He can just waltz in here
And be part of the gang again.
Well, you can forget it.
Listen, Barney, I...
Please be part
of the gang again!
I don't want
to lose anyone else!
We're all really sorry.
We'll even let you recite
all the douchey poems you want,
And we'll never, never say
a bad thing about it, I promise.
Really? Because
There actually is a poem
I'd like to recite--
"friendship" by
Ralph Waldo Emerson.
"a ruddy drop of manly blood,
the surging sea outweighs.
The world uncertain
comes and goes..""
I'm sorry.
Someone had to do that.
Who wants another drink?
I'm buying.
<i>Kids, I'd love to
tell you that over e e years,
<i>We didn't all drift apart
a little
<i>At one time or another.
<i>You don't mean
for it to happen, but it does.
<i>But no matter what,
to this day,
<i>Come hell or high water,
<i>We still all get together
every year
<i>For Robots vs. Wrestlers.
Good night! Thanks a lot.
I had a great time.
Willem.
Dafoe!
Willem.
Dafoe!
Willem.
Dafoe!
How I Met Your Mother - S05E21 - Twin Beds
Kids, your aunt Robin had only
been dating Don a short while,
But one evening, out of nowhere...
- Robin? - Mm?
- Do you wanna move in?
Well, um it it... it's...
Kind of soon, but...
Sure, I would consider...
moving in here, just let me think about it.
No, I meant do you want to move in
on the couch so I can sit down.
Yeah, that's what I meant too,
- Like I said, just let me think about it.
- Ok.
- Yeah, I'm OK with that.
- Okay.
But, now that you mentioned it...
Do you wanna move in?
So what did you say?
- I'm considering it.
- You're considering it?
- Yeah.
- You barely know him.
Plus the guy is a loser
with a dead end job.
- We have the same job, Barney.
- And we couldn't be prouder of you, angel.
- Oh, sweetie, this does seem kind of fast.
- I know.
- Well, maybe you're right.
- Well, I think you should move in with him.
- You do?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I mean I...
I see how happy you are and
as much as I love you as roommate,
I want you to do what's right for you.
Are you trying to kick me out
because of the milk thing?
It's really annoying.
Robin?
No...
I have a system. I put the empty carton
back in the fridge to remind us to buy milk.
Ok, why don't you leave a full carton
to remind us we don't have to buy milk?
Alright, alright.
As your ex...
Before you jump in to anything,
I need to meet this guy.
I think it's kind of weird
I haven't met him yet.
Totally weird, it's almost like someone
carefully orchestrated that way on purpose.
Fine, but you have to promise to be
on your best behavior.
I promise.
So I'm banging this Portuguese
contortionist...
And I swear...
She is so flexible, at one point she was
on top of me and underneath me
On top and down low!
- Who needs? Who needs?
- I'm good.
- And that would be Barney,
- He means well.
Well actually, I'm not sure that's true.
Well, I think he's awesome.
But I'd feel bad for any woman with a kinda low
self esteem to actually date a guy like that.
And that's when I realized Robin
never told Don she had dated Barney.
I like you, Don.
We both love a good scotch, we
both enjoy my compelling stories
And we both dated Robin.
Now he knew.
<font color="#EC14BD">Synced and transcripted by honeybunny</font>
<font color="#EC14BD">www.addic7ed.com</font>
So Barney's your ex and
you still hang out with him?
I gotta say I'm a little
uncomfortable with that.
Oh, don't be, it's like we never dated.
Long story short, this exchange students arms gave out
And we both fell *** over sex swing.
Seriously, I have never been able to find
a girl who can do that position since Robin.
Hey, Lily, Marshall, how was your
weekend away or any other topic?
- Awful.
- Terrible.
Twin beds? I can't sleep in separate beds.
We should go complain.
Yeah, you're right, I'm gonna march
down there and demand another room.
Yeah, I'll go with you and...
Just a sec...
House keeping!
Could you come back a little later?
We're taking a little cat nap.
It's time to check out.
We slept for 18 hours.
- We missed 3 prepaid meals.
- I lost 11 pounds.
Hey, Ted, you think it's weird that
Robin is still friends with Barney?
I think it's weird that we're all
still friends with Barney.
I just don't know how to feel about her
hanging out with one of her exes all the time.
And that's when I realized Robin had failed
to tell Don about another one of her exes.
Me.
No, hanging out with one ex
is fine, even 2 I'd give a pass.
Hell, 2 might be even better than one.
For some reason.
Yeah, but if you were dating someone
and he hung out with one of his exes...
Wait, I'm sorry.
- He?
- Yeah, he was friends with one of his exes.
Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
- Do you think I'm gay?
- Well...
- Yeah.
- Why would you assume that?
- Hey.
- Hey, your calligraphy teacher called...
- And?
- And your ink is in.
Yes.
Hey, guys, just wanna make sure
Project Runway is recording.
Did the Jets get new costumes?
Well, I guess we won't be having
creme brulee tonight,
My browning torch is broken.
You know, when I heard your roommate was
a single guy, I was a little jealous,
But now that I know that he's gay...
- I'm OK.
- Oh, but Ted's not...
But we still got home made lady fingers
And piping hot dog chilling(?)
Thank you.
- Ted's not what?
- Ted's not gonna be around a lot.
He's following Cher on tour.
Hey, don't get me wrong, Cher puts on
a hell of a show.
But I am not gay.
Hey, Lily, be honest.
Is it weird that Robin hangs out
with one of her exes all the time?
Well Ted and Robin broke up years ago.
It's a non issue.
- Ted?
- And Robin?
Not seeming so gay now, am I, Donnie?
- An Appletini for the gentleman.
- Thank you.
You dated Ted, too?
Robin, of the four people you consider
your best friends in New York,
- you've slept with 50 percent of them.
- Don...
They're just my friends.
Yes, but they're also your exes.
And you live with one of them.
Look, I'm sorry. I gotta, I gotta think
about all this,
My God!
She's 1000 degrees.
It's like putting my leg against
a tail pipe.
Ow!
He's toe nails are like daggers.
I'd love a sandwich.
But no eating in bed.
Stupid rule!
We have ants one time...
Great! And now he's falling asleep.
Cue the river of drool.
My knee itches.
Just one little scratch.
Marshall!
- You think we should get separate beds?
- Yes, a mini fridge.
And separate beds.
Deal!
- Don!
- Hi.
I came to apologize to all of you.
I overreacted.
Well, we.. Owe you an apology too, Don.
We've said some pretty hurtful things.
- No, you didn't.
- Right, that was after you left.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth
in the first place.
No, I acted like a total drama queen.
That's not offensive, right?
Still not gay.
Sorry. The point is you both are clearly
very important to Robin
So why don't we all have dinner
tomorrow night at my place?
- Oh, that's great.
- Looking forward to it, buddy.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Should we go?
- Yeah, see you guys! - Bye.
- Ted.
- Yeah.
I must have Robin back.
- You're kidding, right?
- No.
I don't know what it is,
but I want Robin back.
I know what it is... You're like...
a little kid who throws a toy away
And then wants it back the second
another kid starts playing with it.
Well maybe I wasn't done playing with it.
Maybe I just set it down cause I wanted
to play with another stuff for a second.
Okay. You're ready.
Ready for what?
To read the letter.
Kids...
The letter was a device I'd invented
To remind myself why I'd broken up
with somebody.
I've been doing it for years.
Dear future Ted,
Never get back with Karen
because she's a pretentious snob.
Oh, also she cheated on you.
I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
See? We're already laughing about it.
Dear future Ted,
Stay away from Natalie.
Or any girl who can pin you to the ground
and beat you senseless
in front of a cheering crowd.
P.S.
Please consult a therapist about
why that turned you on a little bit.
Dear relationship genius
Stella left you at the altar,
You may never love again.
And you'll probably die alone.
Huh.
It doesn't look so sad written
in calligraphy.
So when Barney and Robin broke up
the previous fall...
Dating Robin was a huge mistake.
Write that down.
What?
Write yourself a letter.
That way, when you miss Robin,
And you will, you can remind yourself
why you broke up.
- Gladly.
- Mhm.
- Dear... future... Barney...
- Uuh.
This ink is cool.
Right? Right?
You...
and Robin were a terrible couple.
You just didn't work.
Sure, you'll always love Robin,
But remember other women...
More importantly...
remember other boobs,
and all that cool stuff
you can do with boobs...
Nozzle, juggle, honka, honka...
I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.
And there's just a bunch of drawings
of boobs.
- You get it now?
- Yeah, I get it.
I definitely want her back.
I don't think human beings were ever
meant to sleep in the same bed.
Somehow sex and sleep got jumbled together
but they're two different things.
I know.
I mean I love you, but I want this new bed
To be a sanctuary for sleep and sleep alone.
Me too. And some light snacking
but that's it.
Hey, you know what we should get?
We should get a third bed, just for sex.
Oh, yes, a sex bed...
A dirty, dirty, sex bed.
Genius. That way each bed will have a specific purpose.
Exactly. We'll have 2 sleep beds,
a sex bed,
And I'm thinking a bean bag chair
just for special birthday stuff.
Baby...
- Can we just revolutionize modern marriage?
- Damn straight.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Hey, guys. hey, Don.
I hope you like sushi.
How cool is that Don makes do sushi?
He learned while on assignment in Japan.
Mmm. Ring wormalicious.
Barney, be nice. You only want her
because you can't have her.
It's like if I said "You can sit
anywhere in this room except...
that chair."
- Are you so petty that...
- My chair! My chair!
Oh, spicy tuna with halopania (?)?
My favorite.
Mine too. I love spicy food.
- The hotter, the better.
- I love spicy stuff too, guy.
Probably more than you do.
Suck it.
Mmm.
Super... hot.
I'm not feeling good.
Hey, Lily.
You won't believe it. It's the craziest
thing. Don has twin beds too,
Oh my God! We just got twin beds.
Oh, oh. Great. Great.
Oh, wait. That "great" didn't
sound so great.
Well my ex wife and I thought
it would be a good idea
But we just started to drift apart.
Yeah, but I bet you didn't have
another bed just for sex.
No, but she did, at her
personal trainer's house.
This chili is like an ice cube
in my mouth.
I will say this, though...
I'm gonna get a king size bed if Robin
decides to move in.
Oh, I'd like that.
- If I move in.
- If you move in.
Hey, hey, hey, Tokyo Don...
You ever...
Do this back in Japan?
- Wasabi!
- Barney, don't!
- Oh, my God, Barney!
- Aaah!
- Awesome!
- Give him some milk.
- Spit it out, spit it out!
- Oh, we're out of milk.
But thanks for the reminder, Robin.
Oh, you're sweet...
Well, I hope you're happy.
Hey, I stand by what I did.
It was bold and romantic.
You soiled yourself from
both ends of your body.
Oh, come on. You have done
tons of stupid stuff to impress Robin.
Yeah, I did, but I don't anymore,
cause I'm over her.
- Just like you are.
- You are not over her.
You want her back just as much as I do,
you just won't let yourself go there.
That is ridiculous and I'll tell you why.
For my biographer?
Just, just focus on the letter, okay?
Dear Ted, Robin is
the perfect girl for you
but she doesn't want
to be in a serious relationship.
You need someone who wants to settle down.
So until Robin is ready
for that next step,
she's not your girl.
Still, I'll always remember stealing her
the blue French horn,
our first kiss, the look in her eye when she told me
she loved me.
Dammit. Now I want her back.
So that night your uncle Barney and I
sat down to have a calm, rational discussion
about who deserved Robin more.
- No!
- I stole her a blue French horn...
dated her for a year.
I wanted her to be the mother
of my children
and spend eternity in her arms.
She... I...
want to have sex with her
at least one more time.
- She is mine.
- She's not yours.
And she is not mine either. She's...
- Don's.
- Right.
- We gotta get rid of that guy.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You know, figuratively.
- Of course.
- Or literally.
Oh my God, Ted, this is how it starts.
This is how it starts. I'm scared, Teddy,
I'm scared, Teddy.
- Two guys talking, two guys talking.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Marshall, I'm worried.
- Why?
I don't wanna get divorced.
Oh, baby...
Baby...
That's Don. That's not us.
Our new sleeping arrangement is only
gonna bring us closer together.
Now get out of my bed.
- Can we at least push them together?
- Sure.
- Okay. - Oh, you meant the beds.
I don't wanna do that.
- Why not?
- Baby...
I love you more than life itself.
But you're a million degrees.
Honestly, I'm surprised your hourly
pee breaks aren't just steam.
Well, you're no picnic in bed either.
Oh, except for the food and the ants. But...
Well, I still want to be next to you.
Why? So you can kick me and slap me
all night?
I swear to God, the second you fall asleep
is like you grow extra limbs.
It's like spooning
with a Hindu Didi Ganesh.
Wanna push them together?
- We're still talking about the beds?
- Nope. - Get over here.
- Robin Stinson.
- Robin Mosby.
- Robin Stinson.
- Ted Scherbatzky. I'll take her name.
- I don't care.
- Okay. Wait.
How about this? How about this?
We share her.
I'll take her until she's forty
and then you can have her after that.
Who are we kidding, who are we kidding?
She's with Don now,
We just have to accept that
- and move on.
- You're right.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to the bath...
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
And then I'll skip out...
Hello?
Hey, Robin, it's Barndoor.
Guess what. I'm open.
Hey, Barndoor. Hang on.
I'm getting another call.
- Hello?
- Hey, Robin.
Teddy bear. Need a little honey?
- No. Ted, hang on.
- Okay.
Hey, Barney, I...I'm gonna
have to call you back.
Ted's on the other line and I...
I think he's in trouble.
Ted's calling you?
Oh, he's in trouble alright.
Ted, what's up?
You've pretty hair. That's what's up.
And down your back.
Well, we almost let
that get out of control.
Agreed.
I'm gonna get out of here
before we do something we regret.
Robin!
Robin, I love you!
- You son of a bitch.
- Robin!
Robin!
I brought you the blue French horn.
I brought you the blue French horn, Robin!
Ted is just holding it for me.
Sorry, buddy, I was there.
Oh God, guys...What are you doing?
Robin, I want you back!
Hey, guys, why won't you come upstairs?
Oh, hey!
Alright! Don...
Let's settle this!
- You, me and Ted.
- Yeah, a 3-way.
Look, guys, Robin and I have to do our show,
so why don't you have a sit on the couch...
Watch some television and we'll talk
about this when we get back, okay?
Oh, you gave up easy. game, set...
Match!
Winner wins a chicken dinner...
Where's...
Where's this TV you've been
bragging about?
It's right here.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Good night, boys.
- Night night, papa.
- That was nice.
- Yeah.
Well, you got to go.
What?
Oh, I'm sorry.
That was a blast. And you're great.
I have to be up early, so...
You're just kicking me out?
You knew what this was.
Lily, Lily, wait.
Don't forget your sweatshirt.
Nice try.
- Teddy bear, Barndoor.
- Papa?
Rise and shine, jackasses.
So do you guys remember
anything from last night?
Yeah...
Boy, was Ted drunk. Embarrassing!
I'm really sorry. We both are.
We were drunk and stupid, but...
We're gonna do anything we can to make
sure that Don feels a part of the group.
Don's not gonna be a part of the group.
And neither am I.
At least for a while.
Guys, this thing with Don is real.
And I wanna see where it goes.
And I'll never be able to do that
if I keep hanging our with
my ex-boyfriends all the time.
It just won't work.
I'm moving in with Don.
* It should be boredom by now... *
* I know the tricks... *
So, what's going on with Robin?
You were right. She was just mad.
It's been four days and she hasn't said
another word about moving out
But listen...
We can never pull crap like that
ever again.
Agreed.
In fact I even wrote myself
another letter.
Dear future Barney,
You think you want Robin back again
but you really don't.
Let her go.
Sincerely, past Barney.
- Let me see that.
- Hey, hey, give it to me.
P.S. That top part was just for Ted.
Did he buy it? good.
Now get back together with Robin,
but don't mention your plan to Ted
cause he'll just screw it up again.
And then there's more drawings of boobs.
Okay, okay. In my defense,
- How great are boobs?
- They're pretty great.
- They're pretty great.
- So...
* I go for it every time *
Robin!
* Just like a heavy drinker...*
* I go for it every time...
Hook, line and sinker *
been dating Don a short while,
But one evening, out of nowhere...
- Robin? - Mm?
- Do you wanna move in?
Well, um it it... it's...
Kind of soon, but...
Sure, I would consider...
moving in here, just let me think about it.
No, I meant do you want to move in
on the couch so I can sit down.
Yeah, that's what I meant too,
- Like I said, just let me think about it.
- Ok.
- Yeah, I'm OK with that.
- Okay.
But, now that you mentioned it...
Do you wanna move in?
So what did you say?
- I'm considering it.
- You're considering it?
- Yeah.
- You barely know him.
Plus the guy is a loser
with a dead end job.
- We have the same job, Barney.
- And we couldn't be prouder of you, angel.
- Oh, sweetie, this does seem kind of fast.
- I know.
- Well, maybe you're right.
- Well, I think you should move in with him.
- You do?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I mean I...
I see how happy you are and
as much as I love you as roommate,
I want you to do what's right for you.
Are you trying to kick me out
because of the milk thing?
It's really annoying.
Robin?
No...
I have a system. I put the empty carton
back in the fridge to remind us to buy milk.
Ok, why don't you leave a full carton
to remind us we don't have to buy milk?
Alright, alright.
As your ex...
Before you jump in to anything,
I need to meet this guy.
I think it's kind of weird
I haven't met him yet.
Totally weird, it's almost like someone
carefully orchestrated that way on purpose.
Fine, but you have to promise to be
on your best behavior.
I promise.
So I'm banging this Portuguese
contortionist...
And I swear...
She is so flexible, at one point she was
on top of me and underneath me
On top and down low!
- Who needs? Who needs?
- I'm good.
- And that would be Barney,
- He means well.
Well actually, I'm not sure that's true.
Well, I think he's awesome.
But I'd feel bad for any woman with a kinda low
self esteem to actually date a guy like that.
And that's when I realized Robin
never told Don she had dated Barney.
I like you, Don.
We both love a good scotch, we
both enjoy my compelling stories
And we both dated Robin.
Now he knew.
<font color="#EC14BD">Synced and transcripted by honeybunny</font>
<font color="#EC14BD">www.addic7ed.com</font>
So Barney's your ex and
you still hang out with him?
I gotta say I'm a little
uncomfortable with that.
Oh, don't be, it's like we never dated.
Long story short, this exchange students arms gave out
And we both fell *** over sex swing.
Seriously, I have never been able to find
a girl who can do that position since Robin.
Hey, Lily, Marshall, how was your
weekend away or any other topic?
- Awful.
- Terrible.
Twin beds? I can't sleep in separate beds.
We should go complain.
Yeah, you're right, I'm gonna march
down there and demand another room.
Yeah, I'll go with you and...
Just a sec...
House keeping!
Could you come back a little later?
We're taking a little cat nap.
It's time to check out.
We slept for 18 hours.
- We missed 3 prepaid meals.
- I lost 11 pounds.
Hey, Ted, you think it's weird that
Robin is still friends with Barney?
I think it's weird that we're all
still friends with Barney.
I just don't know how to feel about her
hanging out with one of her exes all the time.
And that's when I realized Robin had failed
to tell Don about another one of her exes.
Me.
No, hanging out with one ex
is fine, even 2 I'd give a pass.
Hell, 2 might be even better than one.
For some reason.
Yeah, but if you were dating someone
and he hung out with one of his exes...
Wait, I'm sorry.
- He?
- Yeah, he was friends with one of his exes.
Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
- Do you think I'm gay?
- Well...
- Yeah.
- Why would you assume that?
- Hey.
- Hey, your calligraphy teacher called...
- And?
- And your ink is in.
Yes.
Hey, guys, just wanna make sure
Project Runway is recording.
Did the Jets get new costumes?
Well, I guess we won't be having
creme brulee tonight,
My browning torch is broken.
You know, when I heard your roommate was
a single guy, I was a little jealous,
But now that I know that he's gay...
- I'm OK.
- Oh, but Ted's not...
But we still got home made lady fingers
And piping hot dog chilling(?)
Thank you.
- Ted's not what?
- Ted's not gonna be around a lot.
He's following Cher on tour.
Hey, don't get me wrong, Cher puts on
a hell of a show.
But I am not gay.
Hey, Lily, be honest.
Is it weird that Robin hangs out
with one of her exes all the time?
Well Ted and Robin broke up years ago.
It's a non issue.
- Ted?
- And Robin?
Not seeming so gay now, am I, Donnie?
- An Appletini for the gentleman.
- Thank you.
You dated Ted, too?
Robin, of the four people you consider
your best friends in New York,
- you've slept with 50 percent of them.
- Don...
They're just my friends.
Yes, but they're also your exes.
And you live with one of them.
Look, I'm sorry. I gotta, I gotta think
about all this,
My God!
She's 1000 degrees.
It's like putting my leg against
a tail pipe.
Ow!
He's toe nails are like daggers.
I'd love a sandwich.
But no eating in bed.
Stupid rule!
We have ants one time...
Great! And now he's falling asleep.
Cue the river of drool.
My knee itches.
Just one little scratch.
Marshall!
- You think we should get separate beds?
- Yes, a mini fridge.
And separate beds.
Deal!
- Don!
- Hi.
I came to apologize to all of you.
I overreacted.
Well, we.. Owe you an apology too, Don.
We've said some pretty hurtful things.
- No, you didn't.
- Right, that was after you left.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth
in the first place.
No, I acted like a total drama queen.
That's not offensive, right?
Still not gay.
Sorry. The point is you both are clearly
very important to Robin
So why don't we all have dinner
tomorrow night at my place?
- Oh, that's great.
- Looking forward to it, buddy.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Should we go?
- Yeah, see you guys! - Bye.
- Ted.
- Yeah.
I must have Robin back.
- You're kidding, right?
- No.
I don't know what it is,
but I want Robin back.
I know what it is... You're like...
a little kid who throws a toy away
And then wants it back the second
another kid starts playing with it.
Well maybe I wasn't done playing with it.
Maybe I just set it down cause I wanted
to play with another stuff for a second.
Okay. You're ready.
Ready for what?
To read the letter.
Kids...
The letter was a device I'd invented
To remind myself why I'd broken up
with somebody.
I've been doing it for years.
Dear future Ted,
Never get back with Karen
because she's a pretentious snob.
Oh, also she cheated on you.
I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
See? We're already laughing about it.
Dear future Ted,
Stay away from Natalie.
Or any girl who can pin you to the ground
and beat you senseless
in front of a cheering crowd.
P.S.
Please consult a therapist about
why that turned you on a little bit.
Dear relationship genius
Stella left you at the altar,
You may never love again.
And you'll probably die alone.
Huh.
It doesn't look so sad written
in calligraphy.
So when Barney and Robin broke up
the previous fall...
Dating Robin was a huge mistake.
Write that down.
What?
Write yourself a letter.
That way, when you miss Robin,
And you will, you can remind yourself
why you broke up.
- Gladly.
- Mhm.
- Dear... future... Barney...
- Uuh.
This ink is cool.
Right? Right?
You...
and Robin were a terrible couple.
You just didn't work.
Sure, you'll always love Robin,
But remember other women...
More importantly...
remember other boobs,
and all that cool stuff
you can do with boobs...
Nozzle, juggle, honka, honka...
I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.
And there's just a bunch of drawings
of boobs.
- You get it now?
- Yeah, I get it.
I definitely want her back.
I don't think human beings were ever
meant to sleep in the same bed.
Somehow sex and sleep got jumbled together
but they're two different things.
I know.
I mean I love you, but I want this new bed
To be a sanctuary for sleep and sleep alone.
Me too. And some light snacking
but that's it.
Hey, you know what we should get?
We should get a third bed, just for sex.
Oh, yes, a sex bed...
A dirty, dirty, sex bed.
Genius. That way each bed will have a specific purpose.
Exactly. We'll have 2 sleep beds,
a sex bed,
And I'm thinking a bean bag chair
just for special birthday stuff.
Baby...
- Can we just revolutionize modern marriage?
- Damn straight.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Hey, guys. hey, Don.
I hope you like sushi.
How cool is that Don makes do sushi?
He learned while on assignment in Japan.
Mmm. Ring wormalicious.
Barney, be nice. You only want her
because you can't have her.
It's like if I said "You can sit
anywhere in this room except...
that chair."
- Are you so petty that...
- My chair! My chair!
Oh, spicy tuna with halopania (?)?
My favorite.
Mine too. I love spicy food.
- The hotter, the better.
- I love spicy stuff too, guy.
Probably more than you do.
Suck it.
Mmm.
Super... hot.
I'm not feeling good.
Hey, Lily.
You won't believe it. It's the craziest
thing. Don has twin beds too,
Oh my God! We just got twin beds.
Oh, oh. Great. Great.
Oh, wait. That "great" didn't
sound so great.
Well my ex wife and I thought
it would be a good idea
But we just started to drift apart.
Yeah, but I bet you didn't have
another bed just for sex.
No, but she did, at her
personal trainer's house.
This chili is like an ice cube
in my mouth.
I will say this, though...
I'm gonna get a king size bed if Robin
decides to move in.
Oh, I'd like that.
- If I move in.
- If you move in.
Hey, hey, hey, Tokyo Don...
You ever...
Do this back in Japan?
- Wasabi!
- Barney, don't!
- Oh, my God, Barney!
- Aaah!
- Awesome!
- Give him some milk.
- Spit it out, spit it out!
- Oh, we're out of milk.
But thanks for the reminder, Robin.
Oh, you're sweet...
Well, I hope you're happy.
Hey, I stand by what I did.
It was bold and romantic.
You soiled yourself from
both ends of your body.
Oh, come on. You have done
tons of stupid stuff to impress Robin.
Yeah, I did, but I don't anymore,
cause I'm over her.
- Just like you are.
- You are not over her.
You want her back just as much as I do,
you just won't let yourself go there.
That is ridiculous and I'll tell you why.
For my biographer?
Just, just focus on the letter, okay?
Dear Ted, Robin is
the perfect girl for you
but she doesn't want
to be in a serious relationship.
You need someone who wants to settle down.
So until Robin is ready
for that next step,
she's not your girl.
Still, I'll always remember stealing her
the blue French horn,
our first kiss, the look in her eye when she told me
she loved me.
Dammit. Now I want her back.
So that night your uncle Barney and I
sat down to have a calm, rational discussion
about who deserved Robin more.
- No!
- I stole her a blue French horn...
dated her for a year.
I wanted her to be the mother
of my children
and spend eternity in her arms.
She... I...
want to have sex with her
at least one more time.
- She is mine.
- She's not yours.
And she is not mine either. She's...
- Don's.
- Right.
- We gotta get rid of that guy.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You know, figuratively.
- Of course.
- Or literally.
Oh my God, Ted, this is how it starts.
This is how it starts. I'm scared, Teddy,
I'm scared, Teddy.
- Two guys talking, two guys talking.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Marshall, I'm worried.
- Why?
I don't wanna get divorced.
Oh, baby...
Baby...
That's Don. That's not us.
Our new sleeping arrangement is only
gonna bring us closer together.
Now get out of my bed.
- Can we at least push them together?
- Sure.
- Okay. - Oh, you meant the beds.
I don't wanna do that.
- Why not?
- Baby...
I love you more than life itself.
But you're a million degrees.
Honestly, I'm surprised your hourly
pee breaks aren't just steam.
Well, you're no picnic in bed either.
Oh, except for the food and the ants. But...
Well, I still want to be next to you.
Why? So you can kick me and slap me
all night?
I swear to God, the second you fall asleep
is like you grow extra limbs.
It's like spooning
with a Hindu Didi Ganesh.
Wanna push them together?
- We're still talking about the beds?
- Nope. - Get over here.
- Robin Stinson.
- Robin Mosby.
- Robin Stinson.
- Ted Scherbatzky. I'll take her name.
- I don't care.
- Okay. Wait.
How about this? How about this?
We share her.
I'll take her until she's forty
and then you can have her after that.
Who are we kidding, who are we kidding?
She's with Don now,
We just have to accept that
- and move on.
- You're right.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to the bath...
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
And then I'll skip out...
Hello?
Hey, Robin, it's Barndoor.
Guess what. I'm open.
Hey, Barndoor. Hang on.
I'm getting another call.
- Hello?
- Hey, Robin.
Teddy bear. Need a little honey?
- No. Ted, hang on.
- Okay.
Hey, Barney, I...I'm gonna
have to call you back.
Ted's on the other line and I...
I think he's in trouble.
Ted's calling you?
Oh, he's in trouble alright.
Ted, what's up?
You've pretty hair. That's what's up.
And down your back.
Well, we almost let
that get out of control.
Agreed.
I'm gonna get out of here
before we do something we regret.
Robin!
Robin, I love you!
- You son of a bitch.
- Robin!
Robin!
I brought you the blue French horn.
I brought you the blue French horn, Robin!
Ted is just holding it for me.
Sorry, buddy, I was there.
Oh God, guys...What are you doing?
Robin, I want you back!
Hey, guys, why won't you come upstairs?
Oh, hey!
Alright! Don...
Let's settle this!
- You, me and Ted.
- Yeah, a 3-way.
Look, guys, Robin and I have to do our show,
so why don't you have a sit on the couch...
Watch some television and we'll talk
about this when we get back, okay?
Oh, you gave up easy. game, set...
Match!
Winner wins a chicken dinner...
Where's...
Where's this TV you've been
bragging about?
It's right here.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Good night, boys.
- Night night, papa.
- That was nice.
- Yeah.
Well, you got to go.
What?
Oh, I'm sorry.
That was a blast. And you're great.
I have to be up early, so...
You're just kicking me out?
You knew what this was.
Lily, Lily, wait.
Don't forget your sweatshirt.
Nice try.
- Teddy bear, Barndoor.
- Papa?
Rise and shine, jackasses.
So do you guys remember
anything from last night?
Yeah...
Boy, was Ted drunk. Embarrassing!
I'm really sorry. We both are.
We were drunk and stupid, but...
We're gonna do anything we can to make
sure that Don feels a part of the group.
Don's not gonna be a part of the group.
And neither am I.
At least for a while.
Guys, this thing with Don is real.
And I wanna see where it goes.
And I'll never be able to do that
if I keep hanging our with
my ex-boyfriends all the time.
It just won't work.
I'm moving in with Don.
* It should be boredom by now... *
* I know the tricks... *
So, what's going on with Robin?
You were right. She was just mad.
It's been four days and she hasn't said
another word about moving out
But listen...
We can never pull crap like that
ever again.
Agreed.
In fact I even wrote myself
another letter.
Dear future Barney,
You think you want Robin back again
but you really don't.
Let her go.
Sincerely, past Barney.
- Let me see that.
- Hey, hey, give it to me.
P.S. That top part was just for Ted.
Did he buy it? good.
Now get back together with Robin,
but don't mention your plan to Ted
cause he'll just screw it up again.
And then there's more drawings of boobs.
Okay, okay. In my defense,
- How great are boobs?
- They're pretty great.
- They're pretty great.
- So...
* I go for it every time *
Robin!
* Just like a heavy drinker...*
* I go for it every time...
Hook, line and sinker *
How I Met Your Mother - S05E20 - Home Wreckers
Kids, everyone
has one or two moments
when they make a huge,
crazy decision
that changes their lives
forever.
This is the story of mine.
It all started
with a visit from my mom
and her longtime boyfriend, Clint,
who was always saying stuff like...
"Ted,
Your mother is a very...
Very erotic woman.
Please don't.
As a painter, slash,
songwriter, slash,
volunteer fear-fighter,
I find her...
incredibly sexual.
But you have your own sexual memories
with your mom, don't you?
Please don't.
Exiting her womb,
receiving her milk.
You get me?
Good.
I cannot believe I am with that man.
Mom, mom, it's ok.
You don't have to settle.
There are plenty of guys who...
He is so cool!
And he picked me!
Well, I'm, uh...
I'm glad you're both so happy.
Well, good, because we do
have an announcement...
Son.
<font color="#EC14BD">Re-sync and corrections by honeybunny</font>
<font color="#EC14BD">www.addic7ed.com</font>
Yes, my mom was lapping me.
Getting married
for a second time
before I was even married once.
I was so happy for them.
So freaking happy.
Still, weddings can be magical.
For all I knew, I'd end up sharing
a dance with my future wife there.
And if you don't boil
those jam jars,
it's just a welcome mat
for bacteria.
That wasn't her.
Oh, congratulations!
Oh!
We are so happy for you.
I feel like I'm 19 again. Oh.
It's like the last 35 years
of my life never happened.
So wonderful to hear, mom.
Son, to show that your mom and I
will always be there for you,
I want you to have this beautiful picture
that I painted.
Kids, there was no guitar.
Excuse me, Ted.
Best...Wedding...
E...ver.
Hello, everyone.
Mahallow for being here with us.
My entire life...
Well, this life.
I've waited
for a muse like Virginia.
Baby...
this is your song.
* When I squeeze her trembling bosom *
Oh, God...
* The blood pumps to my loins *
* When I penetrate
her...*
Kids, I swear to God, I blacked
out for the next 12 minutes.
So I have no idea how the song
got to this ending.
* And Mahatma Gandhi *
* And the pancakes * Everyone!
* And the dragon *
* And you *
Guys, guys! Guess what
Robin just did.
* Red and true...*
Are you crying?
I know it's stupid, but...
Everyone!
* And the dragon...*
They're happy, you know?
Not as happy as I am, Robin.
Guys, guys! Guess what
Robin just did.
And then, I told you guys
what Robin just did,
but you were there for that.
I gotta tell the rest
of the wedding.
Aunt Meredith!
Kids, I can't overstate
how horrible it is
to be the single guy
at your own mother's
second wedding.
So, Ted, when's your wedding?
So, Ted, when's your wedding?
When's your wedding?
When's your wedding?
When's your wedding?
Robin cried at Clint's song.
Oh, I told you already.
Ted's hot sister, Heather!
I have to leave.
Wait, Ted.
What about your toast?
Make up some emergency
or something. I just...
I-I can't handle this.
Ted, Ted, where are you going?
It's your mother's wedding!
Uncle Larry, my hand to God.
Niagra Falls.
She's pouring.
And my friends didn't see me
for the next 72 hours.
Seriously, is Ted okay?
I mean, I know it was
a rough weekend, but...
- this radio silence is weird.
- I know.
His mom's called, like, five times
asking where he disappeared to.
Sorry, Robin.
They're all out of pretzels.
And I know how
emotional you get.
Shh.
Shh. Let it go.
Let it go.
Okay!
Shh.
Okay, I...
I cried at Clint's song.
She cried at Clint's song.
- Hey, guys.
- Ted, where have you been?
Are you okay?
Oh, I'm better than okay.
I am on top of the world. Come on.
We're going for a ride!
Hey, buddy, do you want to, maybe,
let somebody
who isn't having some sort
of manic episode drive for a while?
Yeah, and where the hell
are we going?
First, let me tell you what happened
the night of the wedding.
Watching my mom get married,
I realized how far behind
I was in my own life.
I just had to get out of there.
So I went back to my hotel room
and got onto this Web site
I sometimes visit
when I can't sleep...
Oh! Oh! Oh-oh! Ted,
come on. Oh, God. T.M.I.
We do not want to know what you
and the Internet do when you're lonely.
I didn't... I...
That's not the part of the night
I was talking about.
I went to my favorite
real estate auction site...
Come on, we've all got one...
scrolled through
a few properties and...
Guys...
I just bought my dream house.
What do you mean
you bought this house?
I mean, I made a bid online.
I won the auction the next day
and I got approval.
I just finalized the paperwork.
And was the Blair Witch
easy to deal with,
Or did she haggle
over the closing costs?
Don't even joke about that, man.
So, I'm thinking this room
will be the study.
You know, a place just for Dad.
I mean, the kids
are welcome in here
if they're reading
a book, but no toys.
It's not a question
of withholding love.
It's a question
of drawing boundaries.
Whoa.
Ted, this is insane.
This is going to take years
and a small fortune
to make livable.
I'm an architect.
I'll find a way.
And if I start right now,
it'll be done by the time
the ol' wifey and I
are ready to move in.
Is she in the room
with us right now, Ted?
Okay, okay, I know
I haven't found Mrs. Mosby yet,
but I will, knock on wood.
Careful, buddy.
Ted, you can't just skip ahead
to where you think your life should be.
Doesn't work that way.
Yeah, I gotta agree. This may be
the stupidest thing you've ever done.
Stupidest thing any of us has
ever done.
Okay, all right.
- Let's lay off Ted, all right?
- Thank you.
Alright? We've all done some
stupid things in our lives.
For example, I remember a time
when I dropped some
bottle rockets in the toilet,
and I tried to dry them
off in the microwave.
God, you must have been
drunk off your ass.
No, too stupid to be an adult.
He was obviously a kid when it happened.
- Kid? Why...
- Throw rockets in the...
Oh, my God, guys!
Great new game:
"Drunk or Kid."
Which one was I?
Lock in your guesses.
Drunk. Drunk. Kid.
Kid.
Drumroll, please.
I was...
Drunk!
You know, I'm glad
Robin got it right.
Cause she's very sensitive and fragile.
I'm referencing the time
she cried at Clint's song.
And even though I'm whispering,
I actually hope she hears me.
- It wasn't me!
- What?
I'm not the one who cried
at Clint's song.
Are you... crying?
I know it's stupid, but...
Everyone!
* And the dragon...*
They're just happy, you know?
Not as happy as I am.
I will give you $500 if this just
happened to you instead of me.
500 bucks? Deal.
Thank you, Robin.
You just saved me unspeakable public
humiliation and shame.
Guys! Guys!
Guess what Robin just did.
Wait, you guys are...
Hi, I'm here
for the inspection.
Oh, great! I was worried
you weren't coming.
I was actually here a few minutes ago,
but I guess the doorbell doesn't work.
Hmm.
Oh, hey!
Doorbell does not work.
Wait, wait. You're just getting
this place inspected now?
Well, yeah.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Okay! All right!
All right, let's all remember
that we've all done
some stupid things
in our lives, okay?
For example, I once
tried to ride my bike down
an extension ladder from
the roof of a two-story house.
The only looming question is
Was I drunk or a kid?
Drunk! Kid! Kid! Drunk!
Drumroll, please.
I was...
Marshall's dead!
Marshall's dead!
- A kid.
- Marshall!
Moms, right?
Just always
making a big deal out of nothing.
*** under a week.
Hey, let's check out the porch, huh?
Come on.
I'm going to put
a grill out here.
Every Sunday, right here,
it's going to be
a total sausage fest.
Hmm...
Sausage party?
Burgers, we'll do burgers.
Ted, stop it. You can't keep this house.
It's a huge mistake.
Lily, listen to me.
I had a plan, okay?
Wife, house, kids.
As it turns out, the Universe
it's being kind of a ***
about the whole wife and kids part.
So, what's the one
thing I can control?
The house. I bought it.
- It's not a huge mistake.
- Exactly.
Now, me driving my brother's car
the wrong way down I-94,
that was a huge mistake.
Drunk! Kid! Kid! Kid!
I was...
A kid.
Yes!
Wow, Barney.
Did you cry on that
guy or something?
Yeah. You got leaky pipes.
But the bright side:
the pond in your basement is drowning
some of the larger, slower rats.
The rest of them, well...
they're headed this way.
See, you should have waited to find out
the problems with this house.
You can always find problems
with any decision,
but you can't
let that stop you.
Freshman year, Marshall knew right away
he wanted to spend his life with you.
What if someone had been there
to second-guess that decision?
Bye.
I know we've only been on two dates, but
dammit, Lily Aldrin, I'm gonna marry you.
Not so fast.
We got some
structural issues here.
These hips are not
Eriksen baby-compliant.
And this thing right here
does not have a proper filter.
That's a maintenance issue
that's never going to go away.
And I know you think that you
like this Gothic exterior now
But deep down, didn't you always
picture yourself in something Spanish?
I'd recommend you look
into the rental option.
But Marshall took that leap of faith,
and it's the best thing
that ever happened to you both.
It was Robin!
"What?!"
Yes, it was Robin
who cried at Clint's song!
But she said...I know what she said.
But here's what
she didn't want you to know.
Listen, Barney,
I can't stand all these jokes
about me crying.
If I pretend to reveal
that you were the one who cried,
will you go along with it?
Sure.
I made a mistake
letting you go, didn't I?
Your penis is enormous.
- Dude, you almost had us.
- You always take it one too far.
Dammit.
All right, good news.
- Think we'll be out of here early.
- Really?
Yep, I finished downstairs
and the outside.
Now, I could keep looking
and see what else I can find
besides the black mold,
the damaged retaining wall,
the frayed electrical wires,
the lead paint,
the water damage,
the fire damage,
the sun damage,
the broken furnace,
the rotted floorboards...
Oh, look at that. No termites.
The cracked chimney,
the bats, the rats,
the spiders,
the raccoons, the hobo,
the detached gutter,
the outdated fuse box and
the paint job in the kitchen,
which is fine, but the trim
really clashes with the countertops.
Or I could just recommend
that you do not buy this godforsaken
Guantanamo Bay of a house,
and suggest that we all
get our asses out of here
before a medium-sized wind
blows the whole sumbitch down.
What if I already
bought the sum'bitch?
I- I will check out the upstairs.
Did he say he found a hobo?
Ok, yes. There are problems.
But I see this house for what I know it can be.
I see a swing
on that tree outside.
I- I see a wreath
on the front door at Christmas.
I see a grill
out on that patio where I'll be
barbecuing every weekend.
I see a life that I know
I can have here.
I see a lawsuit.
Found termites.
Hey, well, the good news is the inspector
killed some roaches on impact.
Oh, hold on.
Giant pole in second floor.
Just wanted to make sure
the report is thorough.
You were right.
This was a huge mistake.
It's just...
Everyone's moving on but me.
You guys got a place years ago;
Robin's getting serious with Don.
Barney...Maybe that's a new tie?
Thank you. Geez.
Now my mom is remarried.
I... I'm exactly where I was
five years ago. I'm sick of it. I'm...
I'm ready for the life
that fits into this house.
It's all right, buddy.
Sometimes people make
the wrong decisions in life.
Like your mother.
What do you mean?
Ted, as you know, I've always been
very, very fond of your mother.
Please don't.
In fact, Virginia and I shared
a special moment back in
2006 B.C....
Before Clint.
What the hell are
you talking about?
I wanted to be your dad!
- What does that even mean?
- Don't you talk back to me, young man.
That's why I cried at Clint's song.
Because that bastard
took her away from me.
And now, all I'm left with...
is the memory of dropping
her off at the airport.
And that's how you
got the brooch?
Unbelievable.
You...
So...Here we are.
Here we are.
We made good time...
Not a lot of traffic...
Oh, I love this song.
Do you?
Hmm.
I can...
Listen...
Ted's mom.
I...
should really...I sh...
* Workin' on our night moves *
* Tryin' to make some
front-page drivin' news *
* Workin' on our night moves *
Your penis is enormous.
Again?! Always one too far!
Okay, all right.
Fine, that last part I made up,
but the rest of it,
I swear it was true.
Come on, dude.
Your mom is a cougar.
Wait, I thought you said
a cougar can't be over 50.
Okay, she's a Mellencamp.
Guys, I am screwed. I mean, the best
I can do is level this place
and sell the property
for a huge loss.
Look, Ted...
Usually in life when you make a stupid
decision you just have to live with it.
But how often do you get the chance
to pick up a sledgehammer
and bash the living hell
out of it?
- This is stupid.
- Your mom and I got to second base.
* I'll light the fire *
* You place the flowers
in the vase *
* That you bought today *
Thanks, Lily.
That felt fantastic.
To Ted Mosby-
homeowner,
friend, and if he can
rent it out, slumlord.
There's, uh...
There's one last thing I gotta do.
And my friends didn't see me
for the next 72 hours.
He was our ride.
- Hi.
- Ted, what are you doing here?
I never got to give
you guys your toast.
I was selfish and I freaked out
and I'm so sorry, so...
Here it is...
"How bout a hand for the deejay?
Gesture to dee..."
I'll skip down.
"Mom, I love you,
"and I've never seen you
as happy as you are with Clint.
"And, Clint, welcome to the family...
"What you two have
is what I one day hope to find."
But until then, cheers to you both.
I love you, guys.
Ted...
I am so...
baked right now.
I'm only 60% sure you're actually
standing in front of me.
But if you are, I love you.
And you are the best son
a mother could ever have.
There was no logical reason why
my mother should be with a guy like that.
And yet, as you kids know,
being with your Grandpa Clint was
the best decision your grandma ever made.
Sometimes our best decisions
are the ones
that don't make
any sense at all.
- Hey.
- Hey, buddy.
How did you know I was
gonna be up here today?
Robin told me.
Happy housewarming.
But I-I, I told you the last time
I saw you I'm selling the place.
I know what you said.
I also know my best
friend, Ted Mosby.
Look...
Of all the times over the years
when I've said to you
"Slow down! Don't rush
into things with this girl."
you haven't listened to me
a single damn time.
Your heart is both
drunk and a kid.
- Thanks for sticking up for me, man.
- That's what I do.
Can I... Can I tell you some
of the ideas I have?
Yeah.
And, kids, Marshall was right.
I didn't give up
on my dream house
because that's the thing
about stupid decisions:
We all make them.
But time is funny.
And sometimes a little magic...
It can take
a stupid decision...
...and turn it
into something else entirely.
Because, kids, as you know,
That house....
is this house.
has one or two moments
when they make a huge,
crazy decision
that changes their lives
forever.
This is the story of mine.
It all started
with a visit from my mom
and her longtime boyfriend, Clint,
who was always saying stuff like...
"Ted,
Your mother is a very...
Very erotic woman.
Please don't.
As a painter, slash,
songwriter, slash,
volunteer fear-fighter,
I find her...
incredibly sexual.
But you have your own sexual memories
with your mom, don't you?
Please don't.
Exiting her womb,
receiving her milk.
You get me?
Good.
I cannot believe I am with that man.
Mom, mom, it's ok.
You don't have to settle.
There are plenty of guys who...
He is so cool!
And he picked me!
Well, I'm, uh...
I'm glad you're both so happy.
Well, good, because we do
have an announcement...
Son.
<font color="#EC14BD">Re-sync and corrections by honeybunny</font>
<font color="#EC14BD">www.addic7ed.com</font>
Yes, my mom was lapping me.
Getting married
for a second time
before I was even married once.
I was so happy for them.
So freaking happy.
Still, weddings can be magical.
For all I knew, I'd end up sharing
a dance with my future wife there.
And if you don't boil
those jam jars,
it's just a welcome mat
for bacteria.
That wasn't her.
Oh, congratulations!
Oh!
We are so happy for you.
I feel like I'm 19 again. Oh.
It's like the last 35 years
of my life never happened.
So wonderful to hear, mom.
Son, to show that your mom and I
will always be there for you,
I want you to have this beautiful picture
that I painted.
Kids, there was no guitar.
Excuse me, Ted.
Best...Wedding...
E...ver.
Hello, everyone.
Mahallow for being here with us.
My entire life...
Well, this life.
I've waited
for a muse like Virginia.
Baby...
this is your song.
* When I squeeze her trembling bosom *
Oh, God...
* The blood pumps to my loins *
* When I penetrate
her...*
Kids, I swear to God, I blacked
out for the next 12 minutes.
So I have no idea how the song
got to this ending.
* And Mahatma Gandhi *
* And the pancakes * Everyone!
* And the dragon *
* And you *
Guys, guys! Guess what
Robin just did.
* Red and true...*
Are you crying?
I know it's stupid, but...
Everyone!
* And the dragon...*
They're happy, you know?
Not as happy as I am, Robin.
Guys, guys! Guess what
Robin just did.
And then, I told you guys
what Robin just did,
but you were there for that.
I gotta tell the rest
of the wedding.
Aunt Meredith!
Kids, I can't overstate
how horrible it is
to be the single guy
at your own mother's
second wedding.
So, Ted, when's your wedding?
So, Ted, when's your wedding?
When's your wedding?
When's your wedding?
When's your wedding?
Robin cried at Clint's song.
Oh, I told you already.
Ted's hot sister, Heather!
I have to leave.
Wait, Ted.
What about your toast?
Make up some emergency
or something. I just...
I-I can't handle this.
Ted, Ted, where are you going?
It's your mother's wedding!
Uncle Larry, my hand to God.
Niagra Falls.
She's pouring.
And my friends didn't see me
for the next 72 hours.
Seriously, is Ted okay?
I mean, I know it was
a rough weekend, but...
- this radio silence is weird.
- I know.
His mom's called, like, five times
asking where he disappeared to.
Sorry, Robin.
They're all out of pretzels.
And I know how
emotional you get.
Shh.
Shh. Let it go.
Let it go.
Okay!
Shh.
Okay, I...
I cried at Clint's song.
She cried at Clint's song.
- Hey, guys.
- Ted, where have you been?
Are you okay?
Oh, I'm better than okay.
I am on top of the world. Come on.
We're going for a ride!
Hey, buddy, do you want to, maybe,
let somebody
who isn't having some sort
of manic episode drive for a while?
Yeah, and where the hell
are we going?
First, let me tell you what happened
the night of the wedding.
Watching my mom get married,
I realized how far behind
I was in my own life.
I just had to get out of there.
So I went back to my hotel room
and got onto this Web site
I sometimes visit
when I can't sleep...
Oh! Oh! Oh-oh! Ted,
come on. Oh, God. T.M.I.
We do not want to know what you
and the Internet do when you're lonely.
I didn't... I...
That's not the part of the night
I was talking about.
I went to my favorite
real estate auction site...
Come on, we've all got one...
scrolled through
a few properties and...
Guys...
I just bought my dream house.
What do you mean
you bought this house?
I mean, I made a bid online.
I won the auction the next day
and I got approval.
I just finalized the paperwork.
And was the Blair Witch
easy to deal with,
Or did she haggle
over the closing costs?
Don't even joke about that, man.
So, I'm thinking this room
will be the study.
You know, a place just for Dad.
I mean, the kids
are welcome in here
if they're reading
a book, but no toys.
It's not a question
of withholding love.
It's a question
of drawing boundaries.
Whoa.
Ted, this is insane.
This is going to take years
and a small fortune
to make livable.
I'm an architect.
I'll find a way.
And if I start right now,
it'll be done by the time
the ol' wifey and I
are ready to move in.
Is she in the room
with us right now, Ted?
Okay, okay, I know
I haven't found Mrs. Mosby yet,
but I will, knock on wood.
Careful, buddy.
Ted, you can't just skip ahead
to where you think your life should be.
Doesn't work that way.
Yeah, I gotta agree. This may be
the stupidest thing you've ever done.
Stupidest thing any of us has
ever done.
Okay, all right.
- Let's lay off Ted, all right?
- Thank you.
Alright? We've all done some
stupid things in our lives.
For example, I remember a time
when I dropped some
bottle rockets in the toilet,
and I tried to dry them
off in the microwave.
God, you must have been
drunk off your ass.
No, too stupid to be an adult.
He was obviously a kid when it happened.
- Kid? Why...
- Throw rockets in the...
Oh, my God, guys!
Great new game:
"Drunk or Kid."
Which one was I?
Lock in your guesses.
Drunk. Drunk. Kid.
Kid.
Drumroll, please.
I was...
Drunk!
You know, I'm glad
Robin got it right.
Cause she's very sensitive and fragile.
I'm referencing the time
she cried at Clint's song.
And even though I'm whispering,
I actually hope she hears me.
- It wasn't me!
- What?
I'm not the one who cried
at Clint's song.
Are you... crying?
I know it's stupid, but...
Everyone!
* And the dragon...*
They're just happy, you know?
Not as happy as I am.
I will give you $500 if this just
happened to you instead of me.
500 bucks? Deal.
Thank you, Robin.
You just saved me unspeakable public
humiliation and shame.
Guys! Guys!
Guess what Robin just did.
Wait, you guys are...
Hi, I'm here
for the inspection.
Oh, great! I was worried
you weren't coming.
I was actually here a few minutes ago,
but I guess the doorbell doesn't work.
Hmm.
Oh, hey!
Doorbell does not work.
Wait, wait. You're just getting
this place inspected now?
Well, yeah.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Okay! All right!
All right, let's all remember
that we've all done
some stupid things
in our lives, okay?
For example, I once
tried to ride my bike down
an extension ladder from
the roof of a two-story house.
The only looming question is
Was I drunk or a kid?
Drunk! Kid! Kid! Drunk!
Drumroll, please.
I was...
Marshall's dead!
Marshall's dead!
- A kid.
- Marshall!
Moms, right?
Just always
making a big deal out of nothing.
*** under a week.
Hey, let's check out the porch, huh?
Come on.
I'm going to put
a grill out here.
Every Sunday, right here,
it's going to be
a total sausage fest.
Hmm...
Sausage party?
Burgers, we'll do burgers.
Ted, stop it. You can't keep this house.
It's a huge mistake.
Lily, listen to me.
I had a plan, okay?
Wife, house, kids.
As it turns out, the Universe
it's being kind of a ***
about the whole wife and kids part.
So, what's the one
thing I can control?
The house. I bought it.
- It's not a huge mistake.
- Exactly.
Now, me driving my brother's car
the wrong way down I-94,
that was a huge mistake.
Drunk! Kid! Kid! Kid!
I was...
A kid.
Yes!
Wow, Barney.
Did you cry on that
guy or something?
Yeah. You got leaky pipes.
But the bright side:
the pond in your basement is drowning
some of the larger, slower rats.
The rest of them, well...
they're headed this way.
See, you should have waited to find out
the problems with this house.
You can always find problems
with any decision,
but you can't
let that stop you.
Freshman year, Marshall knew right away
he wanted to spend his life with you.
What if someone had been there
to second-guess that decision?
Bye.
I know we've only been on two dates, but
dammit, Lily Aldrin, I'm gonna marry you.
Not so fast.
We got some
structural issues here.
These hips are not
Eriksen baby-compliant.
And this thing right here
does not have a proper filter.
That's a maintenance issue
that's never going to go away.
And I know you think that you
like this Gothic exterior now
But deep down, didn't you always
picture yourself in something Spanish?
I'd recommend you look
into the rental option.
But Marshall took that leap of faith,
and it's the best thing
that ever happened to you both.
It was Robin!
"What?!"
Yes, it was Robin
who cried at Clint's song!
But she said...I know what she said.
But here's what
she didn't want you to know.
Listen, Barney,
I can't stand all these jokes
about me crying.
If I pretend to reveal
that you were the one who cried,
will you go along with it?
Sure.
I made a mistake
letting you go, didn't I?
Your penis is enormous.
- Dude, you almost had us.
- You always take it one too far.
Dammit.
All right, good news.
- Think we'll be out of here early.
- Really?
Yep, I finished downstairs
and the outside.
Now, I could keep looking
and see what else I can find
besides the black mold,
the damaged retaining wall,
the frayed electrical wires,
the lead paint,
the water damage,
the fire damage,
the sun damage,
the broken furnace,
the rotted floorboards...
Oh, look at that. No termites.
The cracked chimney,
the bats, the rats,
the spiders,
the raccoons, the hobo,
the detached gutter,
the outdated fuse box and
the paint job in the kitchen,
which is fine, but the trim
really clashes with the countertops.
Or I could just recommend
that you do not buy this godforsaken
Guantanamo Bay of a house,
and suggest that we all
get our asses out of here
before a medium-sized wind
blows the whole sumbitch down.
What if I already
bought the sum'bitch?
I- I will check out the upstairs.
Did he say he found a hobo?
Ok, yes. There are problems.
But I see this house for what I know it can be.
I see a swing
on that tree outside.
I- I see a wreath
on the front door at Christmas.
I see a grill
out on that patio where I'll be
barbecuing every weekend.
I see a life that I know
I can have here.
I see a lawsuit.
Found termites.
Hey, well, the good news is the inspector
killed some roaches on impact.
Oh, hold on.
Giant pole in second floor.
Just wanted to make sure
the report is thorough.
You were right.
This was a huge mistake.
It's just...
Everyone's moving on but me.
You guys got a place years ago;
Robin's getting serious with Don.
Barney...Maybe that's a new tie?
Thank you. Geez.
Now my mom is remarried.
I... I'm exactly where I was
five years ago. I'm sick of it. I'm...
I'm ready for the life
that fits into this house.
It's all right, buddy.
Sometimes people make
the wrong decisions in life.
Like your mother.
What do you mean?
Ted, as you know, I've always been
very, very fond of your mother.
Please don't.
In fact, Virginia and I shared
a special moment back in
2006 B.C....
Before Clint.
What the hell are
you talking about?
I wanted to be your dad!
- What does that even mean?
- Don't you talk back to me, young man.
That's why I cried at Clint's song.
Because that bastard
took her away from me.
And now, all I'm left with...
is the memory of dropping
her off at the airport.
And that's how you
got the brooch?
Unbelievable.
You...
So...Here we are.
Here we are.
We made good time...
Not a lot of traffic...
Oh, I love this song.
Do you?
Hmm.
I can...
Listen...
Ted's mom.
I...
should really...I sh...
* Workin' on our night moves *
* Tryin' to make some
front-page drivin' news *
* Workin' on our night moves *
Your penis is enormous.
Again?! Always one too far!
Okay, all right.
Fine, that last part I made up,
but the rest of it,
I swear it was true.
Come on, dude.
Your mom is a cougar.
Wait, I thought you said
a cougar can't be over 50.
Okay, she's a Mellencamp.
Guys, I am screwed. I mean, the best
I can do is level this place
and sell the property
for a huge loss.
Look, Ted...
Usually in life when you make a stupid
decision you just have to live with it.
But how often do you get the chance
to pick up a sledgehammer
and bash the living hell
out of it?
- This is stupid.
- Your mom and I got to second base.
* I'll light the fire *
* You place the flowers
in the vase *
* That you bought today *
Thanks, Lily.
That felt fantastic.
To Ted Mosby-
homeowner,
friend, and if he can
rent it out, slumlord.
There's, uh...
There's one last thing I gotta do.
And my friends didn't see me
for the next 72 hours.
He was our ride.
- Hi.
- Ted, what are you doing here?
I never got to give
you guys your toast.
I was selfish and I freaked out
and I'm so sorry, so...
Here it is...
"How bout a hand for the deejay?
Gesture to dee..."
I'll skip down.
"Mom, I love you,
"and I've never seen you
as happy as you are with Clint.
"And, Clint, welcome to the family...
"What you two have
is what I one day hope to find."
But until then, cheers to you both.
I love you, guys.
Ted...
I am so...
baked right now.
I'm only 60% sure you're actually
standing in front of me.
But if you are, I love you.
And you are the best son
a mother could ever have.
There was no logical reason why
my mother should be with a guy like that.
And yet, as you kids know,
being with your Grandpa Clint was
the best decision your grandma ever made.
Sometimes our best decisions
are the ones
that don't make
any sense at all.
- Hey.
- Hey, buddy.
How did you know I was
gonna be up here today?
Robin told me.
Happy housewarming.
But I-I, I told you the last time
I saw you I'm selling the place.
I know what you said.
I also know my best
friend, Ted Mosby.
Look...
Of all the times over the years
when I've said to you
"Slow down! Don't rush
into things with this girl."
you haven't listened to me
a single damn time.
Your heart is both
drunk and a kid.
- Thanks for sticking up for me, man.
- That's what I do.
Can I... Can I tell you some
of the ideas I have?
Yeah.
And, kids, Marshall was right.
I didn't give up
on my dream house
because that's the thing
about stupid decisions:
We all make them.
But time is funny.
And sometimes a little magic...
It can take
a stupid decision...
...and turn it
into something else entirely.
Because, kids, as you know,
That house....
is this house.
How I Met Your Mother - S05E19 - Zoo or False
Kids, you may be wondering
How many of these stories
I'm telling you are true.
It's a fair question.
After all, there's a fine line
Between a good story
and a bald-faced lie.
I've never met anyone
Who could work that line
better than your Uncle Barney.
Heck, he could jump rope with it.
I love to travel myself.
Really?
Where's the best
place you've visited?
Hawaii's nice.
A buddy of mine lives in Seattle.
That's a good spot.
But the best place?
I'd have to say the moon.
Hi. Neil Armstrong.
No! You did not convince
a girl that you were
The first man to walk on the moon!
That happened seven years
before you were born!
Ted, baby doll, minor hurdle.
Oh, yeah, well, our spaceship
passed through a wormhole
Or some gamma Rays or something.
I started aging backwards,
blah, blah, blah.
So, you work in a yogurt shop.
That must be wild.
Although, I did actually work In
a yogurt store in High School.
And it was indeed...
Wild.
Anyhoo, 20 minutes later,
the eagle landed.
We knocked Space boots.
Houston, we have a moaner.
Other Space-related
double entendres.
Why do you feel the need
to lie all the time?
I'm not lying!
Guys, we made sweet love.
I got pictures.
I hate my job.
What are you talking about?
I thought you just
interviewed the mayor.
Mayor mcwoof.
He wears a dog costume and
teaches kids not to litter.
At least He's supposed to.
Oh, I don't want to
talk about mayor mcwoof.
I want to talk about these amazing
insoles From bon appe-feet!
Just look how
shock-absorbent they are!
Prop table! Table's a prop!
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Oh. Sorry, Robin.
Got bored.
Yeah, I don't blame you.
Man, just one decent interview
Would be so nice for a change.
Fine. I'll look at my schedule,
see when I'm available.
But I want a list of
questions ahead of time,
And my personal life is off limits.
Ted, you caught seven
peanuts in a row.
It's impressive,
but it's not newsworthy.
- You caught seven in a row?
- Seven in a row.
But that's not what I'm
talking about that.
No. I'm talking about how
I was selected to build
A scale model of the
empire state building
For the largest recreation Of the
New York skyline in the world.
Is that the thing you were
playing with the other night?
I wasn't playing.
I was working.
"it's you."
"it's me."
"I saw you in the street.
Are you Annie?"
"yes."
Ted, are you acting
out the last scene
Of sleepless in Seattle
with little dolls?
How long have you been out here?
Ten seconds.
Yeah. Just the last scene.
Oh, Ted. Again?
Ooh. That's the pizza.
Baby, do you have any cash?
Oh. You know, uh,
I don't... I actually...
I don't think that I
should Have to pay.
'cause I'm not a fan of pizza.
What?!
Marshall, we've driven
halfway across the country
For a piece of pizza
literally hundreds of times.
I once caught you eating
pizza in the shower.
Marshall, there's a cartoon
of you on our coupons.
I'm not saying Marshall's
a guy who likes pizza,
But last time he went
in for a physical,
Doctor says, "marshall,
you got to stop eating pizza."
Marshall says, "why?" doc says,
"so I can examine you."
But seriously,
we kid because we love.
All right, look, the reason
That I don't have any
money on me is because...
I got mugged.
You...? What?
Can somebody please pay Arthur?
All right? I'm starving!
How's your dad, by the way? Better.
Good. Mm. Mm.
<font color="#EC14BD">Sync by honeybunny</font>
<font color="#EC14BD">www.addic7ed.com</font>
Oh, my God, you got mugged?!
Who mugged you?
Was he wearing a black skull-knit
cap And a five o'clock shadow?
Did he say, "stick 'em up?"
Yes, Barney, because
I got mugged in 1947
At the corner of abbott
and costello. No.
I was cutting through central
park on my way home from work...
Watch it.
Don't get any closer.
It's cool. It's cool.
It was... Completely terrifying.
It was... Completely terrifying.
What are you doing?
I'm rehearsing.
I'm gonna pretend this
happened to me later
To try and get some sympathy sex.
Barney, that won't work.
Will it?
Big time. I'll allow it.
I can't believe Someone pointed
a gun at my marshmallow.
Now, I'm shaking.
I-I don't think I'm going
to be able to sleep tonight.
Oh! Here, sweetie. I have something
that will help you sleep.
Just stick this under your pillow.
You'll sleep like a freakin' baby.
Robin, put that away.
It's not going to hurt anyone.
The safety's... on.
Okay, you know what?
Let's all just relax.
We don't need a gun.
I'd just like to forget
this ever happened
And try to move on with my life.
Just like to forget
this ever happened
And try to move on with my life.
This is great stuff.
I think I'm gonna
add tears, though.
Listen, baby, I know that it's scary,
but look at me.
I'm fine, okay?
Can we just put this behind us?
Oh, that's gold, but I'm going
To switch it to "
put me behind you."
Look, baby, you don't
have to worry about me.
I mean, yes, I'm a little scared,
but I'm a new yorker.
I'm not gonna let this change me.
I've changed!
I'm a gun person now.
Clip! Yeah,
maybe we should just take
A break for a little bit...
I said, "clip."
You want to get a gun?
Not a scary one.
Just a cute, little,
pink beretta that matches
These adorable strappy
sandals I just bought.
By the way,
our new credit card works.
You don't need a gun.
Every statistic in the world
points to the fact that
It's safer not to have a gun
in the home than to have one,
Especially in our home.
You know how I'm always
accidentally injuring you.
Pretty easy, right?
Hurry up, baby.
The party's about to start.
Boo!
Oh, my God, Lily!
I thought you were
going as a sexy cat!
I changed my mind.
And now you want to bring
a gun into that equation?
I know, you're right,
but every time I close my eyes,
I picture that guy
pointing a gun at you.
And you're my whole world,
Marshall.
If something ever happened to you,
I would just...
I would just... Okay.
Okay... No, I know. I know.
Okay, look, I've got
to admit something.
That mugging didn't happen exactly
the way that I said it did.
Aha! So he was wearing a black,
skull-knit cap.
Told... Ja! No, he wasn't
wearing A black, skull-knit cap.
He wasn't wearing anything.
Wait, so... Watch it.
Don't get any closer.
It's... It's cool.
It's cool.
He naked-muggered you?
I'm not going to ask where
he was keeping the gun.
Are we sure it was a gun?
Okay, no, guys.
I was, I was walking home from work...
Through central park,
And I stopped at the zoo.
Watch it. Don't get any closer.
Oh, it's cool. It's cool.
You're telling us... That you
got mugged... By a monkey.
I got mugged by a monkey.
You got mugged by a monkey?
Yep, I got mugged by a monkey.
I was embarrassed,
so I made up the other story.
But the point is, Lily,
you don't need a gun.
Oh, forget about the gun.
We're on this now.
Whoa, monkeys are
mugging people now?
It really is a jungle out there.
Oh, my God! That
monkey has our address.
What if he's in a gang?
I hope he doesn't do a swing-by.
Why didn't you just ask the
zookeeper to get your wallet back?
'cause I saw what the
monkey was doing with it,
And I didn't really
want it after that.
Hey, guys. What's up?
Oh, some new information has come
to light on Marshall's mugging.
Oh, really? Did they catch the guy?
Well, he's behind bars.
Well, where did they find him?
Oh, I'm guessing naked in a tree,
throwing his own feces.
Oh, I've seen that guy.
See, that's why I take cabs.
You know how they
caught him, right?
There was a tail on him.
There was a tail on him!
Okay... What is going on?
All right, Robin,
here's what happened.
No-no-no-no! Let me tell it.
It's my story.
You see, young Marshall Was
at the zoo eating a banana...
No, I wasn't eating a banana!
If you're gonna tell it,
tell it right.
Oh, you're right.
The banana was on the ground.
There was no...
There was no banana.
Marshall, I apologize... truly.
Robin, here's what happened.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, don't shoot.
There was no banana! Oh, come on.
Barney, I know, Marshall
didn't get mugged by a monkey.
Marshall?
That part he got right.
Guys!
This is not an
uncommon thing, okay?
In Thailand, in China,
in Costa Rica,
People get mugged by
monkeys all the time.
Monkeys are gatherers.
Because of their
intersocial dynamics,
Having a predisposition
towards stealing
Gives one a genetic advantage.
You were mugged by a monkey!
Maybe he was just curious.
Were you wearing a yellow hat?
Marshall, in all seriousness,
this is a great story.
I mean, can I interview
you about it on my show?
What?! He gets to be on your show?
What about my model?
No one wants to see a guy come
on my show and play with dolls.
Okay, first of all,
that is not what it is.
And second of all,
You just had a guy on your
show playing with dolls.
So, your dolls are favored to win
At the rhinebeck collector
awards next month.
Only if they behave themselves.
Last year, I found
one of them cavorting
With a g.I. Joe.
It's not funny.
What were you thinking?
What if you'd gotten pregnant?
And you invited him back
for a follow-up interview.
Only because the FBI asked us
To keep him occupied while
they search his house.
Come on, Marshall. I need the story.
It's got everything.
Crime, monkeys, no stupid model
of the empire state building
That takes up my entire living room
And makes the whole
place smell like glue.
Come on. Do this for me...
As a friend?
It'd be fun to see you on tv. Yeah.
Okay... Can you promise
to present it in a way
That doesn't make a
joke out of the fact
That I got mugged by a monkey?
You got mugged by a monkey.
Oh, my God.
I just got mugged. What?
Is what I was saying to this
girl at the bar earlier...
It was completely terrifying.
I just want to forget
This ever happened and try
to move on with my life.
Oh, you poor thing.
Neil?
Neil. Neil. I... I... Neil!
Lady, my name's not Neil.
It's bar... Gah-gah!
Why are you calling him Neil?
Because that's his name.
He's Neil Armstrong.
The cyclist? I thought
You were supposed to be
on a shuttle mission?
I thought you just got mugged.
Okay, I can do this.
Uh, uh, you see,
I was on my way to the launch pad
When I was mugged.
And the mugger took
my space shuttle keys.
Nailed it.
Who's up for a three-way?
I am.
Me, too.
And it was the best three-way ever.
Strange, 'cause you look
Like you just had two vodka
tonics thrown in your face.
And you have lime in your hair.
I do?
The story's better with my ending.
Just... Okay?
So, there we are, zero gravity.
The three of us wearing
nothing but space helmets...
Marshall!
You won't believe it.
I pitched the monkey mugger story
To my producer and he loves it!
Oh... Wow. Yeah!
Really? Cool. Yeah!
I mean, who's ever heard of a
guy getting mugged by a monkey?
No one except for the
good people of Thailand,
China, Costa Rica,
and plenty of other countries
Where monkey crime is an
extremely common nuisance.
Well, the best part is,
he said that
It might get picked
up to go national.
Guys, this monkey mugger
story could make me famous.
Me, too.
Guys, this is bad.
I-I can't, I can't do this.
So, it'll be a little
embarrassing... so what?
It's not that. Guys...
I wasn't mugged by a monkey.
So, you weren't mugged by a monkey?
No, I wasn't.
So what you're saying is
The monkey tricked you into
giving him your wallet?
No, that's not what I'm saying.
So you mugged the monkey?
Guys, there was no monkey!
It was a human being with a gun.
Are you sure it wasn't one monkey
Standing on another
monkey's shoulders,
Wearing a men's trench coat?
Be about the right height.
No! I... I just made that story up
So that Lily wouldn't get a gun.
The truth is that
it never happened.
I don't buy it. What?
You heard me. I think you
were mugged by a monkey.
You just don't want
to go on Robin's show
'cause you're afraid it'll make you
Look like a big joke.
Well, won't it?
The biggest, 'cause it's so funny.
Well, it never happened, okay?
And I can lie to you guys about
it because you're my best friends.
I am, but go on.
But I can't lie about
it on national tv.
Ted, you've known him the longest.
Is he telling the truth?
Ted, don't...
I can't tell.
He smells good.
But I just can't tell.
Well, I'm still saying it happened.
Maybe. But, Marshall,
if you didn't get mugged by a monkey,
You can't let Robin
report it on her show.
I mean, this could
hurt her credibility.
Oh, please! Journalists
lie all the time.
I'm sorry, but I will believe
That Jack Palance is
dead when I see the body.
Okay, this may come as
a shock to you, Barney,
But people don't
like to be lied to.
Wrong! They don't like finding
out they've been lied to.
"because a lie is
just a great story
That someone ruined
with the truth."
Barney Stinson.
Case in point, what that
girl Sarah did to me!
I think you mean
what you did to her.
No, I mean what she did to me.
The truth is, I'm afraid
the three-way story
Didn't go exactly the
way I said it did.
Nailed it.
Who's up for a three-way?
Lisa, wait.
Yes, Neil?
Oh, you're Lisa? Sarah, wait.
Look.
I'm not Neil Armstrong.
I'm sorry I lied.
Well, I guess I wasn't completely
honest with you, either.
I mean, I said that I was 28,
But the truth is
that I'm really 31.
And if we're being
completely honest,
I went to the doctor the other
day and found out... 31!
I was happy, very happy,
Thinking that I had nailed a
28-year-old with some sun damage.
People want the lie.
Marshall, they need the lie,
which is why,
As far as I'm concerned,
you were mugged by a monkey.
Just as sure as I
had that three-way.
I am the greatest in the world!
Bar... Barney!
Is that the three-way belt?
You know it. Props!
Man, I slept so great last night.
Can you believe I
almost bought a gun?
I'm so glad you got
mugged by a monkey.
Okay... You guys got me.
I was just nervous.
I, I got mugged by a monkey.
Yes! I knew it.
Wait a minute. Now I'm thinking
You really weren't
mugged by a monkey.
Come on, Ted. Why would he
make something like that up?
Yeah, come on, Ted.
Come here.
Okay, seriously,
what is that cologne?
It's intoxicating.
So, late the following night,
We all went to the
set of Robin's show.
Okay, Marshall, now,
don't be nervous.
What we're going to do is
we're going to sit you...
What the hell is this?
I don't know. Looks like
something covered by a sheet.
Guess if you want to find out,
You're going to have
to do a story on it.
You're going to be
covered by a sheet
If you don't get your
stupid model out of here.
Dude, what are you doing?
I don't think Marshall's
going to lie on tv.
And when he backs out,
I want to be there
For my friend, Robin, with a story.
Or rather, 102 stories,
Because that's how tall a certain
iconic New York landmark is.
Now, I want to buy a gun.
Whoa, the monkey's here.
Yeah, surprise.
We thought it would help the story
To bring him here so you
could face your attacker.
Yeah. Because of this incident,
We will be sending Captain
Bobo to a wildlife sanctuary.
Oh, I bet he'll like it there.
No, ma'am.
You see, we'll be splitting
him up from his mate, Milly.
They've been together
for a long time.
His mate's name is Milly?
And then, the interview began.
Marshall, in your own words,
Describe what happened.
Well, I would, I...
I would love to tell you
what happened, Robin.
But I'm just, I'm so curious
As to what is going on
underneath that sheet.
Well, we're not here
to talk about that.
We're here to talk about
your mugging. Right.
Well, people get mugged in
New York City all the time,
Robin, but how often
do you get to see
Whatever's under that sheet?
Mike, can we get a shot of that?
We'll be right back. We're clear.
What the hell are you doing?
Robin, I... I wasn't really
mugged by a monkey, okay?
I just made up that story so
that Lily wouldn't buy a gun.
So you weren't mugged by a monkey?
No, what are you
talking about, baby?
Of course I was mugged by a monkey.
Great, tell it to America.
We're back in five.
No-no-no, not back in five.
I wasn't mugged by a monkey.
Okay, that's it.
I'm getting a gun. No-no-no!
Don't get a gun.
I was mugged by a monkey.
Well, then Bobo here is going away.
Wasn't! I wasn't
mugged by a monkey!
Ted, do you have any idea if
Marshall was mugged by a monkey?
None whatsoever.
Just tell me, were you or were
you not mugged by Captain Bobo?
Yeah, baby, just tell
us what really happened.
Yeah, Marshall,
just us tell the truth.
And that's when Marshall realized
There was only one
thing he could say.
All right!
Here's the truth.
I...
Am going back to bed.
And that was it.
We never found out what really
happened to Uncle Marshall's wallet.
But we do know this.
Aunt Lily never got a gun,
Robin's credibility remained unimpeached,
And Bobo and Milly lived
out their days together
In the Central Park Zoo.
Damn it.
All right, Ted, mic up.
Mic'd up and made up.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Well, that wasn't very satisfying.
When I tell everyone
at work this story,
I'm saying he was
mugged by a monkey.
And I'm going to keep the
banana on a string thing.
That was working.
Barney, enough with the lies.
You can't just tack on a new ending
Because you're not satisfied
with how a story wraps up.
Oh, really?
Well, mark my words, Mosby.
Someday you'll be telling this story,
you'll see it my way.
Doubtful.
And then, kids, you'll never
believe what happened.
The monkey got loose!
He's got one of my dolls!
Bobo, come here, Bobo.
Bobo... Whow whow whow...
He's climbing the building!
Bobo, come here.
I'll get him.
Is this really happening?
Sure is, Ted.
How many of these stories
I'm telling you are true.
It's a fair question.
After all, there's a fine line
Between a good story
and a bald-faced lie.
I've never met anyone
Who could work that line
better than your Uncle Barney.
Heck, he could jump rope with it.
I love to travel myself.
Really?
Where's the best
place you've visited?
Hawaii's nice.
A buddy of mine lives in Seattle.
That's a good spot.
But the best place?
I'd have to say the moon.
Hi. Neil Armstrong.
No! You did not convince
a girl that you were
The first man to walk on the moon!
That happened seven years
before you were born!
Ted, baby doll, minor hurdle.
Oh, yeah, well, our spaceship
passed through a wormhole
Or some gamma Rays or something.
I started aging backwards,
blah, blah, blah.
So, you work in a yogurt shop.
That must be wild.
Although, I did actually work In
a yogurt store in High School.
And it was indeed...
Wild.
Anyhoo, 20 minutes later,
the eagle landed.
We knocked Space boots.
Houston, we have a moaner.
Other Space-related
double entendres.
Why do you feel the need
to lie all the time?
I'm not lying!
Guys, we made sweet love.
I got pictures.
I hate my job.
What are you talking about?
I thought you just
interviewed the mayor.
Mayor mcwoof.
He wears a dog costume and
teaches kids not to litter.
At least He's supposed to.
Oh, I don't want to
talk about mayor mcwoof.
I want to talk about these amazing
insoles From bon appe-feet!
Just look how
shock-absorbent they are!
Prop table! Table's a prop!
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Oh. Sorry, Robin.
Got bored.
Yeah, I don't blame you.
Man, just one decent interview
Would be so nice for a change.
Fine. I'll look at my schedule,
see when I'm available.
But I want a list of
questions ahead of time,
And my personal life is off limits.
Ted, you caught seven
peanuts in a row.
It's impressive,
but it's not newsworthy.
- You caught seven in a row?
- Seven in a row.
But that's not what I'm
talking about that.
No. I'm talking about how
I was selected to build
A scale model of the
empire state building
For the largest recreation Of the
New York skyline in the world.
Is that the thing you were
playing with the other night?
I wasn't playing.
I was working.
"it's you."
"it's me."
"I saw you in the street.
Are you Annie?"
"yes."
Ted, are you acting
out the last scene
Of sleepless in Seattle
with little dolls?
How long have you been out here?
Ten seconds.
Yeah. Just the last scene.
Oh, Ted. Again?
Ooh. That's the pizza.
Baby, do you have any cash?
Oh. You know, uh,
I don't... I actually...
I don't think that I
should Have to pay.
'cause I'm not a fan of pizza.
What?!
Marshall, we've driven
halfway across the country
For a piece of pizza
literally hundreds of times.
I once caught you eating
pizza in the shower.
Marshall, there's a cartoon
of you on our coupons.
I'm not saying Marshall's
a guy who likes pizza,
But last time he went
in for a physical,
Doctor says, "marshall,
you got to stop eating pizza."
Marshall says, "why?" doc says,
"so I can examine you."
But seriously,
we kid because we love.
All right, look, the reason
That I don't have any
money on me is because...
I got mugged.
You...? What?
Can somebody please pay Arthur?
All right? I'm starving!
How's your dad, by the way? Better.
Good. Mm. Mm.
<font color="#EC14BD">Sync by honeybunny</font>
<font color="#EC14BD">www.addic7ed.com</font>
Oh, my God, you got mugged?!
Who mugged you?
Was he wearing a black skull-knit
cap And a five o'clock shadow?
Did he say, "stick 'em up?"
Yes, Barney, because
I got mugged in 1947
At the corner of abbott
and costello. No.
I was cutting through central
park on my way home from work...
Watch it.
Don't get any closer.
It's cool. It's cool.
It was... Completely terrifying.
It was... Completely terrifying.
What are you doing?
I'm rehearsing.
I'm gonna pretend this
happened to me later
To try and get some sympathy sex.
Barney, that won't work.
Will it?
Big time. I'll allow it.
I can't believe Someone pointed
a gun at my marshmallow.
Now, I'm shaking.
I-I don't think I'm going
to be able to sleep tonight.
Oh! Here, sweetie. I have something
that will help you sleep.
Just stick this under your pillow.
You'll sleep like a freakin' baby.
Robin, put that away.
It's not going to hurt anyone.
The safety's... on.
Okay, you know what?
Let's all just relax.
We don't need a gun.
I'd just like to forget
this ever happened
And try to move on with my life.
Just like to forget
this ever happened
And try to move on with my life.
This is great stuff.
I think I'm gonna
add tears, though.
Listen, baby, I know that it's scary,
but look at me.
I'm fine, okay?
Can we just put this behind us?
Oh, that's gold, but I'm going
To switch it to "
put me behind you."
Look, baby, you don't
have to worry about me.
I mean, yes, I'm a little scared,
but I'm a new yorker.
I'm not gonna let this change me.
I've changed!
I'm a gun person now.
Clip! Yeah,
maybe we should just take
A break for a little bit...
I said, "clip."
You want to get a gun?
Not a scary one.
Just a cute, little,
pink beretta that matches
These adorable strappy
sandals I just bought.
By the way,
our new credit card works.
You don't need a gun.
Every statistic in the world
points to the fact that
It's safer not to have a gun
in the home than to have one,
Especially in our home.
You know how I'm always
accidentally injuring you.
Pretty easy, right?
Hurry up, baby.
The party's about to start.
Boo!
Oh, my God, Lily!
I thought you were
going as a sexy cat!
I changed my mind.
And now you want to bring
a gun into that equation?
I know, you're right,
but every time I close my eyes,
I picture that guy
pointing a gun at you.
And you're my whole world,
Marshall.
If something ever happened to you,
I would just...
I would just... Okay.
Okay... No, I know. I know.
Okay, look, I've got
to admit something.
That mugging didn't happen exactly
the way that I said it did.
Aha! So he was wearing a black,
skull-knit cap.
Told... Ja! No, he wasn't
wearing A black, skull-knit cap.
He wasn't wearing anything.
Wait, so... Watch it.
Don't get any closer.
It's... It's cool.
It's cool.
He naked-muggered you?
I'm not going to ask where
he was keeping the gun.
Are we sure it was a gun?
Okay, no, guys.
I was, I was walking home from work...
Through central park,
And I stopped at the zoo.
Watch it. Don't get any closer.
Oh, it's cool. It's cool.
You're telling us... That you
got mugged... By a monkey.
I got mugged by a monkey.
You got mugged by a monkey?
Yep, I got mugged by a monkey.
I was embarrassed,
so I made up the other story.
But the point is, Lily,
you don't need a gun.
Oh, forget about the gun.
We're on this now.
Whoa, monkeys are
mugging people now?
It really is a jungle out there.
Oh, my God! That
monkey has our address.
What if he's in a gang?
I hope he doesn't do a swing-by.
Why didn't you just ask the
zookeeper to get your wallet back?
'cause I saw what the
monkey was doing with it,
And I didn't really
want it after that.
Hey, guys. What's up?
Oh, some new information has come
to light on Marshall's mugging.
Oh, really? Did they catch the guy?
Well, he's behind bars.
Well, where did they find him?
Oh, I'm guessing naked in a tree,
throwing his own feces.
Oh, I've seen that guy.
See, that's why I take cabs.
You know how they
caught him, right?
There was a tail on him.
There was a tail on him!
Okay... What is going on?
All right, Robin,
here's what happened.
No-no-no-no! Let me tell it.
It's my story.
You see, young Marshall Was
at the zoo eating a banana...
No, I wasn't eating a banana!
If you're gonna tell it,
tell it right.
Oh, you're right.
The banana was on the ground.
There was no...
There was no banana.
Marshall, I apologize... truly.
Robin, here's what happened.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, don't shoot.
There was no banana! Oh, come on.
Barney, I know, Marshall
didn't get mugged by a monkey.
Marshall?
That part he got right.
Guys!
This is not an
uncommon thing, okay?
In Thailand, in China,
in Costa Rica,
People get mugged by
monkeys all the time.
Monkeys are gatherers.
Because of their
intersocial dynamics,
Having a predisposition
towards stealing
Gives one a genetic advantage.
You were mugged by a monkey!
Maybe he was just curious.
Were you wearing a yellow hat?
Marshall, in all seriousness,
this is a great story.
I mean, can I interview
you about it on my show?
What?! He gets to be on your show?
What about my model?
No one wants to see a guy come
on my show and play with dolls.
Okay, first of all,
that is not what it is.
And second of all,
You just had a guy on your
show playing with dolls.
So, your dolls are favored to win
At the rhinebeck collector
awards next month.
Only if they behave themselves.
Last year, I found
one of them cavorting
With a g.I. Joe.
It's not funny.
What were you thinking?
What if you'd gotten pregnant?
And you invited him back
for a follow-up interview.
Only because the FBI asked us
To keep him occupied while
they search his house.
Come on, Marshall. I need the story.
It's got everything.
Crime, monkeys, no stupid model
of the empire state building
That takes up my entire living room
And makes the whole
place smell like glue.
Come on. Do this for me...
As a friend?
It'd be fun to see you on tv. Yeah.
Okay... Can you promise
to present it in a way
That doesn't make a
joke out of the fact
That I got mugged by a monkey?
You got mugged by a monkey.
Oh, my God.
I just got mugged. What?
Is what I was saying to this
girl at the bar earlier...
It was completely terrifying.
I just want to forget
This ever happened and try
to move on with my life.
Oh, you poor thing.
Neil?
Neil. Neil. I... I... Neil!
Lady, my name's not Neil.
It's bar... Gah-gah!
Why are you calling him Neil?
Because that's his name.
He's Neil Armstrong.
The cyclist? I thought
You were supposed to be
on a shuttle mission?
I thought you just got mugged.
Okay, I can do this.
Uh, uh, you see,
I was on my way to the launch pad
When I was mugged.
And the mugger took
my space shuttle keys.
Nailed it.
Who's up for a three-way?
I am.
Me, too.
And it was the best three-way ever.
Strange, 'cause you look
Like you just had two vodka
tonics thrown in your face.
And you have lime in your hair.
I do?
The story's better with my ending.
Just... Okay?
So, there we are, zero gravity.
The three of us wearing
nothing but space helmets...
Marshall!
You won't believe it.
I pitched the monkey mugger story
To my producer and he loves it!
Oh... Wow. Yeah!
Really? Cool. Yeah!
I mean, who's ever heard of a
guy getting mugged by a monkey?
No one except for the
good people of Thailand,
China, Costa Rica,
and plenty of other countries
Where monkey crime is an
extremely common nuisance.
Well, the best part is,
he said that
It might get picked
up to go national.
Guys, this monkey mugger
story could make me famous.
Me, too.
Guys, this is bad.
I-I can't, I can't do this.
So, it'll be a little
embarrassing... so what?
It's not that. Guys...
I wasn't mugged by a monkey.
So, you weren't mugged by a monkey?
No, I wasn't.
So what you're saying is
The monkey tricked you into
giving him your wallet?
No, that's not what I'm saying.
So you mugged the monkey?
Guys, there was no monkey!
It was a human being with a gun.
Are you sure it wasn't one monkey
Standing on another
monkey's shoulders,
Wearing a men's trench coat?
Be about the right height.
No! I... I just made that story up
So that Lily wouldn't get a gun.
The truth is that
it never happened.
I don't buy it. What?
You heard me. I think you
were mugged by a monkey.
You just don't want
to go on Robin's show
'cause you're afraid it'll make you
Look like a big joke.
Well, won't it?
The biggest, 'cause it's so funny.
Well, it never happened, okay?
And I can lie to you guys about
it because you're my best friends.
I am, but go on.
But I can't lie about
it on national tv.
Ted, you've known him the longest.
Is he telling the truth?
Ted, don't...
I can't tell.
He smells good.
But I just can't tell.
Well, I'm still saying it happened.
Maybe. But, Marshall,
if you didn't get mugged by a monkey,
You can't let Robin
report it on her show.
I mean, this could
hurt her credibility.
Oh, please! Journalists
lie all the time.
I'm sorry, but I will believe
That Jack Palance is
dead when I see the body.
Okay, this may come as
a shock to you, Barney,
But people don't
like to be lied to.
Wrong! They don't like finding
out they've been lied to.
"because a lie is
just a great story
That someone ruined
with the truth."
Barney Stinson.
Case in point, what that
girl Sarah did to me!
I think you mean
what you did to her.
No, I mean what she did to me.
The truth is, I'm afraid
the three-way story
Didn't go exactly the
way I said it did.
Nailed it.
Who's up for a three-way?
Lisa, wait.
Yes, Neil?
Oh, you're Lisa? Sarah, wait.
Look.
I'm not Neil Armstrong.
I'm sorry I lied.
Well, I guess I wasn't completely
honest with you, either.
I mean, I said that I was 28,
But the truth is
that I'm really 31.
And if we're being
completely honest,
I went to the doctor the other
day and found out... 31!
I was happy, very happy,
Thinking that I had nailed a
28-year-old with some sun damage.
People want the lie.
Marshall, they need the lie,
which is why,
As far as I'm concerned,
you were mugged by a monkey.
Just as sure as I
had that three-way.
I am the greatest in the world!
Bar... Barney!
Is that the three-way belt?
You know it. Props!
Man, I slept so great last night.
Can you believe I
almost bought a gun?
I'm so glad you got
mugged by a monkey.
Okay... You guys got me.
I was just nervous.
I, I got mugged by a monkey.
Yes! I knew it.
Wait a minute. Now I'm thinking
You really weren't
mugged by a monkey.
Come on, Ted. Why would he
make something like that up?
Yeah, come on, Ted.
Come here.
Okay, seriously,
what is that cologne?
It's intoxicating.
So, late the following night,
We all went to the
set of Robin's show.
Okay, Marshall, now,
don't be nervous.
What we're going to do is
we're going to sit you...
What the hell is this?
I don't know. Looks like
something covered by a sheet.
Guess if you want to find out,
You're going to have
to do a story on it.
You're going to be
covered by a sheet
If you don't get your
stupid model out of here.
Dude, what are you doing?
I don't think Marshall's
going to lie on tv.
And when he backs out,
I want to be there
For my friend, Robin, with a story.
Or rather, 102 stories,
Because that's how tall a certain
iconic New York landmark is.
Now, I want to buy a gun.
Whoa, the monkey's here.
Yeah, surprise.
We thought it would help the story
To bring him here so you
could face your attacker.
Yeah. Because of this incident,
We will be sending Captain
Bobo to a wildlife sanctuary.
Oh, I bet he'll like it there.
No, ma'am.
You see, we'll be splitting
him up from his mate, Milly.
They've been together
for a long time.
His mate's name is Milly?
And then, the interview began.
Marshall, in your own words,
Describe what happened.
Well, I would, I...
I would love to tell you
what happened, Robin.
But I'm just, I'm so curious
As to what is going on
underneath that sheet.
Well, we're not here
to talk about that.
We're here to talk about
your mugging. Right.
Well, people get mugged in
New York City all the time,
Robin, but how often
do you get to see
Whatever's under that sheet?
Mike, can we get a shot of that?
We'll be right back. We're clear.
What the hell are you doing?
Robin, I... I wasn't really
mugged by a monkey, okay?
I just made up that story so
that Lily wouldn't buy a gun.
So you weren't mugged by a monkey?
No, what are you
talking about, baby?
Of course I was mugged by a monkey.
Great, tell it to America.
We're back in five.
No-no-no, not back in five.
I wasn't mugged by a monkey.
Okay, that's it.
I'm getting a gun. No-no-no!
Don't get a gun.
I was mugged by a monkey.
Well, then Bobo here is going away.
Wasn't! I wasn't
mugged by a monkey!
Ted, do you have any idea if
Marshall was mugged by a monkey?
None whatsoever.
Just tell me, were you or were
you not mugged by Captain Bobo?
Yeah, baby, just tell
us what really happened.
Yeah, Marshall,
just us tell the truth.
And that's when Marshall realized
There was only one
thing he could say.
All right!
Here's the truth.
I...
Am going back to bed.
And that was it.
We never found out what really
happened to Uncle Marshall's wallet.
But we do know this.
Aunt Lily never got a gun,
Robin's credibility remained unimpeached,
And Bobo and Milly lived
out their days together
In the Central Park Zoo.
Damn it.
All right, Ted, mic up.
Mic'd up and made up.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Well, that wasn't very satisfying.
When I tell everyone
at work this story,
I'm saying he was
mugged by a monkey.
And I'm going to keep the
banana on a string thing.
That was working.
Barney, enough with the lies.
You can't just tack on a new ending
Because you're not satisfied
with how a story wraps up.
Oh, really?
Well, mark my words, Mosby.
Someday you'll be telling this story,
you'll see it my way.
Doubtful.
And then, kids, you'll never
believe what happened.
The monkey got loose!
He's got one of my dolls!
Bobo, come here, Bobo.
Bobo... Whow whow whow...
He's climbing the building!
Bobo, come here.
I'll get him.
Is this really happening?
Sure is, Ted.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)